Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Nina Conti

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

Award-winning comedian and ventriloquist Nina Conti is in the Dream Restaurant this week. And Ed and James do their usual monkeying around.Nina Conti is on tour now with ‘Whose Face Is It Anyway?’. For dates are tickets go to ninaontour.comNina’s directorial debut film ‘Sunlight’ will have a UK theatrical release from 18th October 2025 (screening details here), or you can pre-order it on Apple TV here (UK) and here (Ireland) - available digitally from 28th November 2025.Follow Nina on Instagram and TikTok @theninacontiWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Fri 19 Sep.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu podcast. And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about all our relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Tackax. Yes, all our relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food. parcel delivery schemes as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing. And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast. We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time. And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James. Absolutely. So if people would like to donate, please go to all our relations.com.com. Or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram. every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza. Thank you so much. And enjoy the episode.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the creme of conversation, adding the sugar of friendship and blow-torching with the flame of the internet. Crembrillet podcast. Crembrillet. That is Edgible. My name is James Edcastle. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week, we're inviting a guest and asked them a favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. I just said crem, but for creme brulee, but it's more complicated than that,

but, you know, I didn't want to take up too much time with that bit. And this week, our guest is Nina Conti. Nina Conti. A wonderful comedian ventriloquist, many more things besides. One of the absolute great, she occupied such a unique place on the comedy landscape. The Nina Conti place. And is, and it's just incredible. Like, she's so funny, so original, so inventive.

We're very lucky to have her on the podcast. Yes, absolutely we are. And she is on tour. It's been extended into the autumn with Nina Conti, whose face is it anyway? And this, I think, involves a lot of, I mean, the brilliance of Nina Conti. of putting these masks on audience members using them as her puppets improvising by what they do with their bodies

and their movements. It's absolutely incredible. It's always good. Always good. One of the only people I've ever seen absolutely take the roof off of the tent at latitudes, the comedy tent, which is notoriously hard to play and you'll see horror stories.

There's been reports in newspapers of comedians walking off stage during that gig. because it is a bit difficult. And that's one of the nicest festival gigs. It's one of the nicest festival gigs. Audiences often are really enjoying the comedy in that tent. But, you know, they're at a festival. They're lying down.

They're not being that vocal about it laughing that loud. They're just chilling out and watching the comedy. It takes a really engaging comic that they can't, they just get completely drawn into to really make them laugh out loud, especially to the point where everyone in that tent is losing it. And let me tell you, that comic ain't me. That comic ain't me. but it is Nina Conti.

The kids run around like stray dogs. Yeah, literally. The times I've done it, I'm just talking for my allotted time and then I'm walking off. And do you know what? I don't even bother slagging the gig off on stage.

That's how much I'm not invested in it. I'll wait until I'm on a podcast years later. But Nina's brilliant. This is the point. Yes, Nina is absolutely fantastic. However, if Nina does pick the secret ingredient ingredient, which we have deemed to be unacceptable,

but we will be forced to kick it out of the dream restaurant. So this week, the secret ingredient is monkey nuts, monkey nuts, monkey nuts, because of course probably the puppet that is most famous from Nina's repertoire is a monkey called monkey. A monkey called monkey, who I first saw in a Christopher guest film. I can't remember which Christopher guest film it is, actually. I think maybe for your consideration, but there's a scene where Nina plays a weather purse, in the weather report

and just has the monkey with her and you just go oh I guess that's the thing but I didn't know who she was I didn't know that it was like you know But you saw Nina as well in that right Yeah Nina's there

You said that You said I first saw monkey In the Christopher guest film And I thought That's pretty harsh Sure If she's It's also where I first saw Nina

She's done an audition tape But Monkey's been reading off camera And they've gone Who's doing the reading lines It's a monkey Get the monkey in It's got the monkey in

For that part Yeah, they're both in it. Yeah. But I was like, it's waiting at that way if a person's got a monkey on their hand. Yeah. I think I'm going to look into that person and see who it is and discovered the comedy of Nina Conti.

Nina has also directed a film, her directorial debut and written the film, co-written with Shanoa Allen. It's called Sunlight and it's done the festival, so keep an eye out for sunlight. Yeah, it's bound to be on a platform soon and we're going to talk to Nina about it, find out more. Executive produced by Christopher Guest.

Really? Yes. Well, I think I know where they met. This is the off-menu-menu of Nina Conti. Welcome, Nina to the dream restaurant. Thank you for having me. Welcome, Nina Conti to the dream restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, wow, exciting. Did you spill something? It sounded explosive. Whoa, I did sound like I spelt something, didn't it? Yes. Yeah, yeah. What would be the... the worst thing I could have spilt just then

and what would be the best thing? Minestroni, but worst? Yeah, that's bad. Because you've got bits in it. Popcorn, fun to look at. Fun to look at and pretty fun to pick up and put back in a box, would you say? And eat. And eat.

Yeah, that's why when I go to the cinema, I tip my popcorn all over the floor because I know the staff will really enjoy picking that up. And eating it. And eating it, yes. It's really hard not to spill your popcorn in the cinema. It is. There's something large about that.

There's no to put it under your feet. I feel very tense about where my feet and my Popcorn are. Yeah. Well, there's no other else to put it. Yeah. They should provide, like, overhead storage, like on trains for you to put your popcorn. You put your popcorn on it.

What about the people sat behind you? Bad luck. What? What about popcorn all over the floor? You can't have both. So, hang on. It's one of the ever. Are you imagining above your head wherever you're sitting?

Yeah, but like a net. Yes, now you're talking. A net. Like a net shelf. In fact, the whole cinema is hammocked. Yeah. We're lying in hammocks. And we have separate hammocks for popcorn.

Separate hammocks for the popcorn next to you and then you can just reach over and pick out the popcorn. Are you thinking? Yeah, on either side. Or you could lie in a hammock and then just they could come and pour the popcorn into the hammock with you and then you're just in a sort of big old hammock full of popcorn. It would fall through the holes.

But like I think maybe if people were beneath you, that would be nice because they'd get the rained on with the popcorn above them. It's like, we need an acid. I think, there's something, this is lovely, but it's a little tame as hallucinations go. Is it? I've never done drugs.

This is wild for me. I haven't actually done it. What should we add to this cinema then? I don't know. I was just thinking, I've got to kick this up a notch. What are we going to do with this popcorn now? You know what I mean? Surely you've done acid.

Your shows are crazy. Look at that face you're putting on people. I know. It's very like that. It's like it's like a dungeon or something. Yeah. You must have been on acid to write that No, I know

No, I haven't Believe it or not I'm scared My dad told me When I was about 14 That he knew someone Who curled into a ball And screamed for a year

After taking acid And it really went in It went in It's obviously a lie now looking back It's a lie, got to be It's a lie, Dad But there are those Childhood lies that you don't

You don't unpick them Until you're much older And go, hang on a minute You know that whole thing you get told if the wind changes if you make a stupid face, the wind changes you'll stay like that? Exactly, yes. My mum told me she went to school with someone

who that happened to, like genuinely happened to. But I think my mum believed it. Really? She said a girl came back after the summer break and her face had, she'd be making a stupid face and her face had changed. Pretty sure it's like, are you sure it was convinced by it? Oh, God.

How old were you? She's like 13, 14. I was like, you sure it wasn't? A different girl? A different girl. Or just like the, changes of life. She's got a different face. You've seen him in a while.

Got a haircut. Speaking of faces, whose face is it anyway? Great link, man. The fantastic show by Nina Conti. Autumn 2025 tour extension. That must mean it's been a popular show, Nina. It's been very nice.

Yes, it's been full. Yeah. So we're doing more. And I'm making it very compact in October. I'm doing a lot touring. I'm so sorry. I'm feeling really guilty. I shout on.

the popcorn hammock dream. I think it was tame. I feel bad that you did that. I feel like you were blocking an improv. I started it and I blocked. Maybe we can add some shit to it. I'm so sorry. You eat the popcorn you shit through the hammock.

Never shit through a hammock. No, no. Imagine. Like Play-Doh factory. Oh, geez. What? Not tame enough for you? Oh, God.

Joe Lice is back. Yeah. Have you seen his back coming through this? It's like a chair or something. It's a hammock, I think. Yeah, yeah. It is a hammock you did that with. Yeah.

I got mistaken for Lysitt again at the weekend. By two apps, they were hammered, but it was like five in the afternoon. I went in a shop. They're absolutely trashed. They clocked me. And they, well, for one, they were called me James Lancaster. And then they were like, so good. You're special an eight out of ten cats does countdown.

And I was like, what are you talking about? They don't do comedy specials. Eight out of ten cats does countdown, just do comedy specials. They were like, no, no, your special was on that. And one of them was Australian. He kept saying, look, cunt. It was, it was, it was. on the Act 10th's countdown.

You read out the letters that you said to the car parking guys. I was like, that's Joe Licey. No, no, no, that's not a special. Yeah, it's not a special. It was a segment that you did on it. They were furious that I wouldn't admit. They thought I was being, they said, stop being humble. Stop being humble and saying it wasn't you.

Wow. But what we're talking about is your show, not Joe Lice here on AI10 Cancel's Countdown. My show, I just did four in Scotland. And I got to a point at the end of the one last night in, oh God, it's so hard to remember. where we've just been, I was in Aberdeen. Yeah. And I got to a point where I had people going like this.

I can't remember how it started, but I'm just showing the listener, these tweaky little birds my hands are making on either side. And they were all, all four people were going like this, and I was making them say, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky. And something flipped, and suddenly I couldn't speak. And I have to apologize and say, I've taken this somewhere to you, just so stupid. That I can't speak.

You've got me. I did it. I blew it. I blew the fuse. There must be those moments now and again, because I get them and I'm just like up there just telling stories or whatever. But when you're doing that and you've got the audience involved with the masks, you must just be like, take a moment and go, how's it got to this?

How do we get here? I'm looking left and right going, what is happening in the universe in this little square, 12 foot square? It's really odd. But it was delightful. Yeah. And coming out the train and. Aberdeen and seeing the rain in the face in the back of the car parks and these sort of fly over roads that they have pavements and then then you get to the theatre and I think I'm definitely in the right job because this theatre feels like the best building to be in right now anywhere you know it's like cozy the lights come on you oh thank goodness home but then I made them do that why did you make him do that well it happens without any planning and someone lifts their hand and I'm watching everyone like a hawk for something to go with somebody

He lifts a hand, like, I don't know, I suppose they were gesturing about my monkey or something, but I make him say, I have a duck, and I have two, and this one's happy, and this one's sad, and then it's just gone, and then other people start lifting their hands, and they want to have their ducky-duckies, and everyone's going ducky-ducky. I'm like, what sort of, what sorts of, rost of blobby nonsense of I come up with here? How do we get home? How do we rise somewhere higher-minded? you met blobby

never met blobby I've been terrified I met blobby have you I'd love to meet blobby in and out of the suit out of the suit quite the thesp

is it really really talks quite loftily about blobby yeah talks about blobby in the in the mask

like the mask yeah yeah right yeah so guess you gotta do sometimes you know yeah

I've seen you your amazing documentary her master's voice when you're doing the ventralicus dummies in the evening when you've had

a bit to drink I don't think you know which is which, Nina. Maybe not. That was compelling stuff. There's a point when you push a dummy off your hand or you're like, you're horrible. You think Blobby goes home, gets pissed, puts the head on? Goes, where is he? Is there a head?

Is it a separate head? Good question. It was it one long fold. I didn't see him standing like that with a, yeah, I just saw him completely out of the costume or in the costume where he is full blobby, even in rehearsals for the panel show. Wow. And you cannot get him to do what he's told. Blobby doesn't make a noise, does he?

He's such blobby, bobby. That's how we know he's called Mr. Blubby. And that's the guy in there is the one making the blobby noise. Wow. Yeah, he's going insane. I think it's him doing it. I actually didn't ask that question. I should have asked that question, but I'm not.

But you're like in the same biz as Blopby. Yeah, listen. So you would have to ask that. Is that okay to say? James, that's not. How does that make you feel when James said that you're in the same biz as Blopie? It's pretty similar. I can't. Please know.

You just said you were on stage shouting ducky, ducky, ducky. I know. That's not far away from blobby, blobby, blobby. I know, but that was the absolute Nadia of my career. Last time I saw you was a Christmas party, and I think I spent most of it reprimanded you for giving me the hardest gig of my life years ago. I know, do you want to go for it again one more time?

I'd love to hear this, please. I thought I didn't come out well of this story. I think you'd come out well. I think it's just funny. I think it's a funny street. circumstances when Nina and I did a new material night, what we were told was a new material night. We turned up and then we discovered while we were there, the compair was on, everyone was having a bad gig, there was about 20 acts on, and the compair at one point spoke to someone

in the front row who revealed how much they'd paid for their ticket. And Nina was next to me and he went, what the fuck, that's loads. We can't all be going up there doing new stuff. Oh no. And I was like, well, it's new material. We're not getting paid. And then I was like, I don't for good about this. And then I just saw her put the new puppet back in her bag and then bring out the monkey. And I was like, you're in trouble. I was like, Nina, I'm on after you.

What are you doing? Goes on, just obliterates, not just the venue. All of Soho was like in ruins after this gig. Like, absolutely the audience's heads are spinning around and popping off. People can't believe how funny it is. It's literally the best. So, you know, Nina's like got a set with that monkey that is some of the best comedy you'll ever see.

Yeah. And then I had to go on up that with my newest stuff. Why didn't you pivot? Because I didn't have anything like that. Come on. Even my old stuff. Ready to eat apricart. No, I think it's pure.

He's there to do the art. That's what you should do. That's why I think he's more valiant in that story. Because you go on, you do your new stuff. That's how you create. You're a professional name. You gave those people a good night. Yeah.

All right. James refuses to give people a good night. Yeah, famously. I think I probably didn't have new material. I probably was just thinking... You did have new material. You had a bunch of puppets that were all new. They were all sitting at the back next to me while I was watching you,

looking at those guys going, well? Have you ever had a new puppet to do new material, and then it turns out it just doesn't work? Yeah, I've never really had any other puppets than monkey. I had a granny for a bit, and then I thought it was a man puppet, actually, that put an address. But then I thought, I'll get an actual granny, and then I'll, I spent a lot of time and money designing this old lady

and then when she arrived, she had nothing to say. And I would look at her and think, say something, God damn it, nothing. It's just a sad, needy look like a dog that you have to leave in the house. And so I don't... She's sitting there when you come back from gigs being like, do you have a good time? Do you have a good, another good one, did you? Use the fucking monkey again.

Turs and just like... this feeling of owing and so I ended up just using monkey really there's something so comfortable about that monkey to me it's the one it's the one it's got the it's got the voice i was going to say i've definitely fallen for my own illusion but he's very easy fits in a handbag he's very straight looking face that you can project anything on so i don't really i have i'll be really surprised if i use another puppet it serves the purpose i'm not a puppet guy. I'm not actually a monkey guy either. Well, now this thing of putting the masks on the audience as well, I think when you hit on that, that must have been absolutely huge.

But that's lovely and it just keeps generating new stuff. Yeah, I love that. And I've started making my own of those a bit. And then I've got somebody, I've got a better system now with 3D printing them and you can come up with a few more faces more quickly. So yeah, it's different every time and that's really a relief. It's lovely. If Ed, myself and Benito were puppets, who do you think would be the most inspiring if you looked at us to, and who would have the most to say? Well, Benito's the most inspiring in this situation. He hasn't got a mic and it's like, what would he, what would he say? What's he thinking?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's thinking a lot of stuff. I mean, he's fucked up a lot this week. I mean, you go very capable with your own faces. I don't feel like the need to override what you've got. Yes. You know, you know.

I, yeah, the silent. producer is an intriguing character. It's very, very... He definitely hates our guts, I'll tell you that. He hates our guts. If he was a puppet, it'd be slagging us off, even though he's fucked up a lot this week. We always start with still a sparkling water, Nina.

Oh, yes. I'm going to go sparkling, belting stuff from the highlands, not this gentle Italian biz. Yeah. That really, stuff that hurts. You want to scoriates the roof of your mouth. Feel sparkling. Strong bubbles, spiking bubbles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How ferocious do you want the bubbles like? As ferocious as it gets, yeah. Yeah, you want to feel it. Well, this is the dream restaurant, so we can take it dangerously ferocious if you want. Yes, go for it. We can, it's really going to be painful, though. Yeah.

It's going to be like a big cup of pins. Yeah. Yeah. Like they're moving really fast. Okay, let's go for it. Just constantly. Wow, you're tough, man. Yeah.

You're so tough. How long have you been tough for? Yeah. 10 minutes. Yeah. 10 minutes toughness. 10 minutes toughness. Tap.

Do you get a lot of tap? Some people do specify tap and it's because where they grew up or where they live has very good tap or they're very proud of it. No, I also think it's people who want to seem down to earth during an interview. Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, no, I just have tap. Yeah. You look at them and you're like, you ain't having tap. Yeah.

No way. You'd throw tap back in your assistant's face. In a restaurant I actually often do go. tap when they say still or sparkling, but then you feel guilty. It's like, oh, okay, tap. I don't think you should feel guilty. I think they set it up so you have to ask for tap. So when they go, do you want still or sparkling water, you have to make that step and say tap to get it for free? Yeah, yeah. All they're doing is trying to get more money out. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Yeah. And you should say all that to them. Yeah. You go, I know what you're doing.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be like, I know what this is. Now, bring me sparkling water that's painful. Let's start as we mean to go on here and be honest with each other and open. And then I have you try and just pull the wool over bars and trick me. Well, sometimes it's off the way around. Yesterday I had a whole thing with the shop around the corner from me, always trying to get me to have a loyalty card.

Oh. And I'm always like, no, I don't want one. Hang on, what do you mean always? Do they know it's you every time or do they offer it as a new customer? They know it's me every time. They always offer me in a loyalty card and go, no, I'm all right. Once I had it and I lost it. within a week. And I was like, I'm not bothering with this. And yesterday, she was like,

come on, just you're in here all the time, get a loyalty card. And I was like, I'm not having one. I don't, I'll lose it. It'll become a whole thing for me where I've got to remember to have it. It'll become a stress in my life I don't need. And I'm trying to say to her, I'm loaded without saying it. So I try to say, look, and I eventually I had to go, look, I promise you, I'm going to come in here just as much as I do anyway, either way. So you're even going to get more or less money. What sort of shop is it? Just a nice shop.

I go and get my fruits and vegetables, go and get my smoked salmon, go and get my kombucha. Oh, it's that? You can get a loyalty card in a shop like that. They know you're loaded, because you're going in to get your kombuchas and smoked salmon from a shop regularly.

Yes. I feel like if I had managed to fill up a whole thing of stamps and then I got a free coffee, would it be enough? No, I don't know if it would feel enough. What would you want instead? Much more. I'd want all kinds.

I don't know. I'd want a holiday. Yeah. I bought 10 coffees and now I'm claiming my holiday. I managed to fill this up. Do you know what it took to remember that and bring it? And this coffee is not the big enough reward, I would say. If it was a holiday to Aberdeen, would that be a good enough holiday?

No, although I did have a holiday in a car park in Selkirk during lockdown. And that was really, that was a big, big era. I fell for the photographs on the Airbnb, which were a country mansion with rolling hills. And they were nearby, but they weren't part of the bloody place. It was in a car park. I'm not joking. So on the photos, it was just photos of the local scenery rather than the view from the window.

So I find that kind of thing painful. I found booking painful, and I don't read the small print. I just think, oh, I'm not going to go if I'm not going to go. I don't just book it. Shall I just book it? She has a book and then go and then suffer. Par park. Terrible at that.

Yeah. So in my head you were in a car as well. You were sleeping in your car. Yeah. On the holiday, in the car park. That's what I thought, when you said that, I thought, oh, my God. It's the most depressed I think I've ever heard. But you were in a house in the car park, which I can't even get my head around how that works.

I think somebody had a garage and they turned it into a sort of a lofty barn sort of thing. But it wasn't really. It was probably still out there Were you in the little box With the arm that goes up and down And that's people in and out Was that way you were sleeping? I'd like to sleep in one of those

In a little toll booth? Yeah In a toll booth, yeah Upright On the arm up and down all night Please Sliding all the way down And then sliding back to the middle

Yeah If you worked in a toll booth Would you like duck down below the table And do the monkey Yes Thank God Then I wouldn't have to be there It would be

laughing and apologising for everything he says, just them. Now the monkeys come back up. I'd really like to talk about your film, actually. Tell us a little bit about sunlight. Your directorial debut. Yes, I know. It was a real pleasure to do. It's been, since I began working on that,

seven years, believe it or not. I cannot believe how long it takes to make a film. But that's a love story between a man and a woman who doesn't want to come out of a monkey suit, which is me. Yes. And that really is me, I think, in the world. And so deciding that you, whatever you had doctored yourself as the way to present in life isn't right, not really what you want, but you're stuck in it.

And then you don't make good decisions because you're not a good ambassador for yourself and then you get a monkey and you're hidden in it and you just don't have to be a woman or of anything and you can just start from scratch. That was kind of the premise. And that's what I kind of did on stage. I got a monkey built by the woman who made Chewbacca, and I really, really loved being in it. But it was very stuffy, and I couldn't breathe, but it definitely was my happy place because I couldn't. I don't know.

It was very freeing. And I did an hour of stand-up in that monkey, straight out the gate without a plan, new material, James, for you or not. Wow, where was I? Not going on next to that game. Nina, let me borrow the monkey costume for my bit as well. But I was working with Chenoa Allen of the pyjama men and we were doing little gigs together

and I was sort of falling in love with him from inside this monkey suit and I thought this is a weird seduction but it might just work you know maybe I can pull this off and yeah sorry anyway

do you still love him if you're not in the suit I do very much yeah yeah I came out but he has to be in the suit he has to be in the suit yeah someone's going to have a suit on your suit just lie next to us but the um i really enjoyed making it and went to new mexico uh felt like proper american road trip movie and uh yeah i love doing that it was yeah it was great chenoa's a little pervert

oh yes i remember this go on please he walked it at glassby festival my girlfriend and i were uh in our caravan um sleeping on top of the it's so hot it's boiling hot so we're sleeping on top of the bed just in our underwear chenoa just walked in out of nowhere oh no it's his caravan He got the wrong caravan. He reversed out of them. It was very, very, it was extremely British, actually, in that moment. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. And I was like...

Didn't you immediately shout that he was a pervert? Yeah, I said, get out of here, you're doing a little pervert. I'll slap you silly. That's home alone. That's home alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Poplar's or bread. Poplar's or bread, Nina Concey.

Poplarums or bread? Popper Dom's or bread, do you say? Yes. Just a bit? You did just a bit say that. I would like, Popadoms, please. Lovely, lovely choice. Why the popadoms are over, oh, yeah.

Thin. Sources, fun sauces. You can have all the sources, take us through the fun sources. I wasn't expecting that. Krush, it was a purple little eye down. Wow. Yeah, Popatoms. I like those little popadoms in a bag of crisps kind of.

They're not in with the crisps, they are the crisps. And I would have them at the Royal Shakespeare Company. I was there, darling. and the Dirty Duck Pub after the show they would sell those and I'd have them with my old friend Annie Do you want those for your dream menu then

We'll get it from the Dirty Duck pub From the Dirty Duck Little packet of Popatoms Packet Bobadoms The mini ones People have a certain idea about Shakespeare and the RSC The sort of how highfalutin the whole thing is

I think people might be surprised to hear that you're off to the Dirty Duck for a bag of Popatoms It's all about shagging out there I think Oh, yeah? It was. It was a bit like a summer camp or something. Yeah. You know? But then, was going to really slag it off. I thought I was scared. What if I want to go back?

But it was, I don't want to go back. Come on, slug it off there, listen to this. It was just so... What do you think Shakespeare's going to hear? Shakespeare's not going to hear of it. I like Shakespeare. Shakespeare would roll over in his grave if he knew how bad some of those shows were. There we go. There we go.

He was absolutely leapt over the line. You were scared of approaching a bit. There's a possibility about it, and there's sort of got to behave there and all of this. But it's actually kind of a theme park, I think, when they're doing it all the time. And maybe there have been good ones. I'm talking about a long time ago.

I was there in 2000. It was a long time ago, and it felt like everybody was pretending. I don't know. I just couldn't feel, I couldn't believe in any of it. But maybe I was just very sour grapes doesn't have any lines

and I was in a very tight dress and I had to not laugh or anything. I had to hold my hands in a clasp like that, you know, the chest bone and pretend to take an unnatural interest in what the speaking characters were saying.

Was that your first puppet? Just the hands in front, not saying anything? The hands holding on to each other. Well, I would dig my nails in because I would get the giggles because it was serious and I wasn't allowed to get the giggles

and you had to behave well. You got told off all the time. I got sent to the, voice department and stuff. The voice department? Yeah. Well, on day one in the Swan Theatre, we walked around and we had to say, I'm wonderful. And I can't tell you how unhappy that made me.

Quite rightly. And some people, these drama exercises, I think they do have their point because they get you out of yourself or something. But that really broke me that while I'm wonderful in a big voice. I felt so silly. Yes. But maybe now, actually, looking back, I think I was a very, I hadn't bloomed at all. I was a very tense person. And so I would say everything was stupid because I didn't want to take the risk of looking stupid.

Yes. So actually, in retrospect, I go, go for it then. See, if you can walk around the theatre saying, I'm wonderful, properly and sonorously, then maybe you do belong here. Can you do it now? I'm, no. I think that's one of the, or maybe the biggest difference between comedians and actors,

is that I think to be an actor, you really have to not give a shit about looking silly and being embarrassed and just go for it. And comedians, we think everything is stupid, we don't want to do it, we feel really stupid doing that sort of stuff. And looking silly should be our job. It should be our job, but actually we are very, we're all very controlled.

And just the way that we like it. we don't want to do the stuff that feels stupid. No, we don't want to do and say someone else's lines and do all of that. No, I would find it really hard going back to acting. Even if I had to go walk over there and pick up a cup. Yeah. On the way, I'd be feeling like a fraud.

I've never picked up a cup before. But surely they know I'm not really going to pick up this cup. What was the play? What was the Shakespeare play? I was in As You Like It and I was in Comedy of Eras and I was in a very long George Bernard Chawl play called Back to Methusler. As you like, it was the really big challenge. That was the big challenge where I was really set dressing and standing in that dress. It was very difficult.

So I got out of there. That's when I went to comedy as I got out of there. Yeah. I became ventrilochrist-shorturing the time I was there. I had to do a school play once where I played a waiter who didn't have any lines because it was like a cafe in the background of the whole play. And they were like, just come out now and again and sweep the road. I'd sweat that road every 30 seconds, I'd say.

That's the waiter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just, you know, in charge of the cafe and pop out, sweep. They were like, just do it whenever you want. But, like, you know, you're just sweeping the road. That road was squeaky clean by the interval. Should I be sweeping the road as the genie waiter? Well, maybe you should, actually, yeah.

I was supposed to be sweeping the road. I didn't know. That was one of my duties. Let's start with your dream starter. My dream starter is a pistachon nut tree. What? It's a tree, and you eat the pistachos off the tree because they're very different on the tree. Wow.

And they're beautiful. They're pink, these lovely little pink buds. And the tree is a very beautiful tree, and it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year. And I was in love with this tree thinking that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was, but on that leaf app thing when it tells you what it is, and our phones do it anyway, it told me you take a picture and then it's like Shazam's the tree

and pistachio came up and that was so exciting I was oh my God those little pink butts are pistaches and then you can open them and they're pink and they're sort of fruity and they taste amazing. Wow. That was in Greece. I don't know any of what you've just said existed

until you just said it. I didn't know if Paschio trees were a thing. I didn't know you can Shazam a tree. Like this is incredible. Wonderful. Yeah, it's really, really lovely. I know we always think of them as those open guys in bowls and they're salty and they're colourless. These were really pink. Are they still in shells? Are there still shells? It was a shell. You had to kind of, you bite through that with your teeth. Obviously, they're not as open. Is that when you take them off and you dry them maybe? I'm trying to remember, I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting it open.

It's a bit lazy. Yeah. No dentist to take you off for that. Right, and the molars, yeah, it works. Did your dentist listen to this podcast? I haven't been in a while. Mine does. Obviously. What you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast,

he lives in an animated world, in a small village, like in a sort of Feynman Sam world. Oh, lovely, yes. Where he knows his dentist, he knows his dentist, but his full name. You know the dentist's full name? Yeah, yeah. And how long you've been going to this dentist? Quite a while since 2018, I'd say.

You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that is when I moved to that flat and then I just carried on going to, even when I moved out, carried on seeing the same dentist. And seven years that you've been seeing this dentist. Have you seen him more than one a year? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist and then I'll see them in the corridor. My dentist, I go, oh, just seeing the hygienist. He'll say, I listened to that episode the other day. And then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode? Oh, no. Did I speak loads about sweets again?

Is he going to have me probably in the bad books? James is very obsessive about things like that. So James goes to the dentist every day to have his teeth brushed. Yeah. Me again. Because you're a ventriloquist when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth. I can. I can.

Yeah, I can still talk. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while. Do you say, do them saying what great teeth you have? Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Your teeth are so. Oh, perfect. You don't need to come back for five years. Yeah, it's the very back of your mouth. You're using the back of your tongue and the soft palate to form substitute lips at the back. And that's where you do plosives.

Now we're at plosive, all over the wall behind you. That's how you form plosives. Oh, wow. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth. So that can be open and things can be in. can still say Peter Piper and all that if you want to. Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips.

No? No. No. No. I don't know, just when something just scratches the wrong itch. Yes. It doesn't sound nice. Yeah, yeah.

Sounds pretty horrible. Yeah. As well as whatever you said, humping your tongue against the back of your pallets. Humping's nasty. Substitute lips is nasty. I've lowered the tone. But I would, if I was you, I'd be talking all the time during the dentist.

I absolutely love it Especially last time I was there Like when I went in It's the hygienist and the assistant Just said hello to me No small talk beforehand As soon as they're in my mouth They start saying to each other

So who do you think's gonna win traitors And I was like Are you fucking kidding me I can't get it I was having to like put my thing Like one of them said To be fair to her She said the person who did end up winning

But I disagreed at the time I put my hand in the air And I wag my finger Well they were in my mouth And they were like, you don't agree? I was like, but you left the dentist, they offered your loyalty card.

Yeah, yeah. I'd take that one. I'm there every morning. A pistachio tree sounds amazing. We haven't had this. Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant? You say, we say it's time for your starter

and the tree grows in front of you. Yes, if it can be sped long a bit. Oh, yeah, no, no, I don't mean growing in real time. Okay. Yeah. It's quite a long start. It's actually the most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time. Yes, a very long time.

I'd say most of the meal, yeah. Yeah. We don't know what the rest of it is, yeah? Could be stuff that takes even longer. Yes, they can roll it out. Roll it out with this big clump of earth. How big is it? I think it's on a par with a trend over another tree.

Rhone tree maybe. It's about the size of a football. A football goal? A football goal? Thanks for speaking our language. You took one look at us and you went, we're going to have to make this about football for these lads. Hang on a minute.

I think the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree. On our shoulders? You're the trunk on your shoulders and we reach our hands out. We got about the size. And we should do that one day. We'll do that one day. And we're like acrobats on their shoulders. All come out of different angles.

Yeah, and with our fingers splayed and everything, extremities out, and that each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts. Your dream main course? My dream main course. Gosh, this is a dream. I should have drent bigger because this is something that I can have any time. But my dad makes a spaghetti pomodoro, which is very nice with fresh. tomatoes and it comes from his father. It's Italy. It's my Italian connection, which I tried to make the most of. I never met anyone Italian in my family. They all died. But this is a connection, this dish. And I made a video of him making it with the monkey. And he put up with it very sweetly and made the whole spaghetti with the monkey being facetious. So it's that. And you make, you don't put the garlic.

in it, you don't eat the garlic but you flavour the oil with the garlic, good olive oil, fresh tomatoes and very al dente pasta, which he has a weird thing, he doesn't use a colander, he takes a pinch, a pincer thing and takes them out

and sort of waggles them around a bit and then into the place. Nice. I like that. Yeah. Is that to keep some of the water? A bit of the water, yeah. It's not too drying. Nice. This does sound absolutely delicious. That does sound good. Classic. It's quite simple. No cheese. little bit of chilly, a little bit of Arabiata,

a little bit angry, that means if you want a little bit angry, but... Is that what that, I don't think I ever knew what that means? Is that what it means? That's what he done me. But he's an actor as well, he could have been. I mean, I don't trust him with the acid story. Yeah, exactly. He did, he did tell you about a man who screamed for a year.

Yeah, scream for a year. Yeah. That man was very Arabiata. And you, it's your whole life you've had this, your dad's been making this. I guess so, yeah, I think so. And then I went to, he told me that the tomatoes are the best. If you go to the Amalfi Coast, that's where you get the tomatoes the most lovely. And I went there this year and had it there.

And it was lovely. So maybe the man did scream for a year. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he did. Maybe still screaming. Oh, no. Oh, so you think it was a year when your dad told you? Yeah, it was only a year then.

It was a year in. Yeah, it was a year in. Yeah. He hasn't unbowled either He's still Terrible for your back That awful Yeah he's fucked

If he's still doing it He's never getting out of that position He's always going to be a little ball Maybe my dad was on acid When he told me that Yeah That's true It could have been

When he Yeah look that man It's just over there screaming Yeah The pastor was very weird that day All over the place You used to colander That's how you knew

Yeah That guy must be on acid He's tripping balls You said that you put up with the monkey. What does your dad think of all your comedy and your shows? I think he's sort of astounded that I would be a ventriloquist. As am I. I don't know how it's happened.

It's a very strange thing to say you are. It's not something I've been a fan of or anything. He's astounded and I don't know. I think he's a little frightened maybe of what that monkey can say, that it might be angry or maybe that I'm not okay, it's everything okay. Why is he so foul to you, that sort of thing. Oh, that's what he says? Yes. And I don't think of the monkey is foul. Everybody says he's a rude monkey and everything. I don't know if he is really. I think he's kind of all right. Seems normal to me. I don't know. He's the best part of myself.

That's a line from Tutsi It would be weird if the monkey was just Like completely normal and agreeable though Right He is As in he's not You know He is rude

He's cheeky monkey He's not deliberately rude That wouldn't be a show If you had a monkey puppet It was just normal and fine Agreed with you No he's just honest He's not out to be rude

I mean I guess my honest Self might be rude But I consider it sort of straight talking Quite yogic Quite calm He's got a steady pulse and just says things quite honestly. Unlike me, I'm like fretting around at his side. But I don't think of him as rude.

I think of him as steady. And what's like, I swear that there's bits in it where, like, if I'm thinking about the 10-minute gold and all the hits set that you did at the Noobit 2, there's plenty of lines in that where you say something in the monkeys like, fires back at you with a little, you know, a dig. Yes. I mean, he's all the time called me. me a slut and a bitch

and all of that some people would say that's rude some people would I can't get enough of it for some reason I don't know I think I find it honest

I couldn't say that and then start saying I'm being yogic guys I'm being yogic you're but your sluts it's funny I don't know why I'll never not find it funny

and calling me a slut I don't know why what does that mean that I find that so funny and then if I say don't tell us call me that hasn't aged well you never just said again

and it got I just some reason well that is funny the monkey call monkey calling you it's like it's funny yeah as long as we know it's actually you doing it yeah yeah as long as we know it's me doing it yeah yeah if that was you and Chanoa and Chanoa said that on stage I'd be like I got used to fucking

it's a bit much yeah yeah what that's not that's not funny that's rich coming from a perv yeah yeah yeah that's rich coming from you should know your little perth but like that's part of the thing isn't it that we know it, we know it's you. Yes. But also, we're not sure that you know it's you.

No, where am I? As the audience, we're like, does she know that's her? Yeah. Because that comment from the monkey seemed to have genuinely caught her off guard just then. Yeah, and it's true. And I've lent into that as much as possible. So I have let control go. I would like to encourage madness and, you know, split personality with that monkey.

I try not to get in the way. I look at him and I try to have nothing to do with what. what comes out his mouth. So I wonder if I've grown a little separate neural pathways that's slightly different from my own over time. I hope I have. I love to go on a brain scan and see what happens when he's talking or when I'm talking. It'd be really fun to see a different bit light up. I hope so. I've been working out for ages. I think Severance. You think it's like Severance, yeah. He's like Seference. I think, yeah, he's your in-e work self and you're the outy and you're just on stage together and you don't know that it's both you. No. I have to look

at him as well for it to work. I actually have to look at the face to properly engage the severance because then it seems to talk to me. And during a bad gig, I look at it and it seems to look at me. This is not good, Nina. You've let me down.

I was it, he never takes responsibility for the bad day. No, he looks at me blankly like, that wasn't this? It's not okay, Nina. They don't like you. And I'm here having to put up with this. It's quite a toxic double act, really. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like us. Yeah, it's true. But then sometimes he's a real friend, like with the French, the Paris food gig I did where everybody's standing up and they're taking little morsels off trays and there was music playing and it was a corporate I shouldn't have done

but I thought Paris would be nice. And they weren't listening. It was just a lady on stage with a teddy trying to hold herself together. And they were all chatting and I looked at monkey and, oh my God, I could have hugged him. It's just like the only friend in the world We were in it together

And I looked at him I mean really I wanted to just hug him And leave As this is a food podcast Do you remember any of the food at the food At the food gig that you did And it was an awful game

I'm afraid I don't remember I don't remember I had a nap under the table Before I went on Feeling really bleak It was a tough one It was a tough one Because that lady

That's that lady Was that lady was napping under the table Just enough With her puppet Yeah Are you kidding me? She's on? He's the crazy lady.

I kicked her earlier. Your dream side dish. Oh God, I haven't made these fun enough. These are all real. I was in New York recently. We started with a pistachio tree. I don't want you to worry about your menu. This is fantastic.

We've had a lovely pistachio tree, a beautiful dish that reminds you of your dad and he used to cook it and still cooks it with the monkey. We've got all of these. Thank you. Thank you.

We've got Shakespeare and Popatoms. It's great. Okay, great. Great. Great. Well, this is broccoli rub. Oh, yes. R-A-A-B.

And it's from Little Italy and New York. And when I was doing shows there last year, there's an Italian delicatessen. I think it's called DePaolo, I hope it is. And it was on the corner and you have to go there early. They're a little bit rude to you. You have to stand in a special place to the queue. You don't walk up to the counter,

They're not like that. And you have to wait. They shout at you to wait. And then you go, but you have to go early in the morning or the rob will be gone. Right. And it's freshly made.

And so, and then you go up and you talk to them and they do explain a lot about the food. You realize it's kind of a show and that's why you had to wait your turn. You can't, like, interrupt the show. And that was really lovely. And I had that most days.

That does sound delicious. And I'm still not totally sure. I've seen it on TV shows. I've seen people talk about it. I don't know where to buy it. I don't know what it is, really. Is it quite bitter? It's a tiny bit bitter, yeah, and it's much thinner, stringier than broccoli. Yeah.

But it's soft and it's so delicious. Yeah, a little bit bitter. Also, because I think I've only ever heard Americans say broccoli rub. So I didn't know it was actually called broccoli rub. I thought they were saying broccoli rob. Yeah, I thought that because the first place I heard it was the American office where Andy Bernard's character has a friend called broccoli rub. But the way he says it, I thought he's saying, because it's a person he's talking about.

Broccoli Rob. His name was called, his name was Broccoli Rob and, oh, that's, and because they never, you never see that character. It's a friend of his from college who he talks about who he was in an a cappella group with. And he gets mentioned a few times. So you're like, well, I guess this is the guy called Robby, like broccoli. Or he has got big sort of puffy hair. Sure. Like broccoli, yeah.

He could have had been puffy hair like broccoli. So like, you don't know any of that. And then actually when I learned it was Broccoli Rob, I was like, so I don't what the fuck that character's named after an entire dish. That was even more question. for me. Yeah, Rob sounds easier to say because Rob. You get lost in that vowel. That's a shame, isn't it? Yeah. Don't take acid and try and say Rob. You'll be saying it for a year. Eating Rob and a Saab and a Saab. I don't like a double A really. No, I agree. Lose the will to live before the end. What, how did they prepare this broccoli rab? I didn't see that. I imagined it was a slow saute. Oh, saut. That's another difficult one.

So sauteed, Rob. Yeah, I think that they, it's very oily. And there's a lot of garlic in it that you do eat. It was delicious. That's on the side. And I've got to ask as well, because you said these men were rude. The staff are rude to you. Now, earlier, you said the monkey wasn't rude, and we know what the monkey says. So how bad must these people have been?

What were they calling you? Yeah. I think I got just shouted out quite stern. to get in the queue because I went to the counter and they didn't want me there at all back in the queue but it was

I don't know it's Italian this kind of charming road you know it's part of the experience it's not so bad yeah I'm getting over now

it's not so bad I like I get a real kick out of doing things right and following the rules so I'd be the first time I went and I'm told off

for going to the counter I'd be gutted and I'd have to build up the bravery to go back really, the courage. I did. It took a lot.

But then when I go back and do the right thing straight away, I'd love it and I'd love it if someone else was there for the first time when they messed up. He's explaining exactly what happened. How do you not know this? Oh, they're going to get it. Oh, yeah. When I first started, you know, doing gigs in London,

little boy from Ketran, I'd stand on the wrong side of the escalator, get bollocked. Now, if I am about to go up the escalator and I see someone standing on the wrong side, I'm like, here we go. Yeah, yeah. Oh, rubbing my hands together I don't even want to walk up that side But I'm doing it

Especially if it's a family with small kids Yeah Excuse me Can you be just stupid fucking kids Move out the way of this Absolutely brilliant And then they always move muttering Oh people London are so rude

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Fuck you Fuck you stand on that side of the escalator It's written everywhere You fucking idiot I love it Do you cause trouble in the public Yeah

Do you say fuck off to people No no no no I'm actually very nice I'm very polite and I said excuse me but I think I think almost

I do it in a way that's even worse You have to because you're famous though If you weren't You think you would let it out a bit No No no no

I've never I've always tried to be As nice as possible But they can tell They can see it in my eyes And I'm like Oh excuse me They're like

That guy He thinks my kids are fucking idiots Yeah And I'm like Yeah I do Fair enough Fair cop I do think that.

Dream drink. I've stopped drinking for three years, but dream drink, I can have wine. I could have white wine. I could have puifume, cold. Beautiful. Oh, it's been ages.

I could have a chili margarita. I could have everything again. I could get it all back. I could have a tequila. Yes, you could. Oh, can I? Yeah, it's been. It's so long three years.

Wow. And I'm not going back to it because life is way better. Yes. Yeah. But, you know, obviously I still love it. And a pint of lager with my Popaton, Chris. Oh, my God. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. I could get really hammered on my deathbed. But I have to wait because I'm getting so much more done when I'm sleeping well. Managed to make a film. I would never have made that. That would have been a dream dinner if I hadn't stopped drinking. But now it's a real dinner that film.

That's huge, isn't it, to say you wouldn't have made the film. I don't think I would. You have such long evenings without booze in them. I mean, the evening, it's a whole work day. You can send all the emails and make the film happen. You can fund a film if you're not getting drunk. And that was, I look back on that with great relief. That's very motivating as well.

Yeah, that's great to hear. Because, like, yeah, I mean, I'm trying. a stop at the minute. Are you? I've done three weeks so far. Oh, well done. But, like, yeah, that's what I do feel better. But then also, like, I'm definitely at that point where I'm just like, I'll think of a

drink that I like. I'll be like, oh, my God. Yeah. That tastes so good. Yeah, it tastes so good. I'm not drinking a huge amount at the moment. And I am having, you know, nights at home where I'm not drinking. And the evenings are definitely longer.

But I just don't do anything. Yeah, this guy. It does it really easy. Just watch a bit of telly. Yeah, he loves watching telly. You're right. I panic. I get panic attacks watching tele. Or starting a long show that's a box set or something. Oh my God. I really feel like my life is...

Oh, I love it. Ebbing away. Yeah. I hung a wash-up last night. I was so proud of myself. What with the TV on? No, I paused the TV, went and hung it up, put a podcast on while I did the washing. Because I was like, I'm going to hang this wash up, but I need something going on in the background. You need two things at once. I need something going on.

He needs something going on. So I hit play and I was like, this would be good. I'll listen to a podcast while I do this. and I'd really built up to doing this one chore. So in my head, I think I thought it was going to take maybe two, three hours. So I hit the podcast, I hung the washing up. It was two and a half minutes it took me because I paused the podcast again. That's so fast. No, that's a great tip.

That's a life hack. So, yeah, I had a busy night last night. Very busy. Yeah, this guy. I can do, I can just about do television if I've got a jigsaw. I was going to say, who am I? But I did have a jigsaw. I put a jigsaw out at Christmas and the cat shatn it.

And they treated it like a litter box. And then I didn't know, it was like in, there wasn't that film with Richard Dreyfus that one that Spielberg made ages ago? Oh, Close Encounters of the first time. Why that's coming up in my head. But the jigsaw had turned into these sort of pyramids. Yeah, like his sculpts of the mashed potato. And I thought that, well, he's really done something there with that jigsaw,

but I'm really scared to touch those pyramids, yeah. It was bad. It was bad what he'd done. So, I don't know. You have to do jigs. It was very quick at my house. All that happened. Yeah.

What if you looked at the shit and you realized that when he had, like, put it all together in that pyramid, he's actually done the jigsaw? Yeah. That would be really wonderful. It's actually put all the pieces together and made it a 3D little jigsaw. Yeah, it was amazing. But he did, yeah, he did create a landscape from it. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

That is pretty bad that that happened. What was the jigsaw of? What was the picture? The jigsaw was Moomins. the finished cartoon yeah the finished cartoon yeah I love that I don't know why

I think whatever it was specifically would have made me laugh but moomins particularly yeah that's funny do you like the moomins like them well enough yeah my son's girlfriend is Finnish

and that's why that was there because I'd bought it for her for Christmas because she's finished oh dear that's not good that's not good that's such a mum choice

Mom choice is it. You're finished. This is the Moomin's. Well, they did have a t-shirt with Moomans on it when they came back from Finland. So, you know, they'd open the door. They are very proud of the Moomans in Finland from what I can work out. So I think it's a fair enough, it's a fair enough gift. Good. I've spent all of one day in Finland, and I was given a Moomins mug by someone as a gift. So they, yeah.

It's okay then. Yeah. All right, good. They know. It's their royal family. The Moomins. Yeah. My cat doesn't know that. Yeah, it is.

They sweep all the, you know, all. all the bad stuff about the Moomin's under the rug and try and ignore it. You know, one of the Moomans swears it can't sweat. Yeah. One of the Moomans had the other one killed in the car crash. Yeah, yeah.

That's a, that was a Grizzly episode. Grizzly. I actually don't realize I don't know anything about the Moomins. They could, like. Are they talking? Oh, yeah. One of them doesn't stop talking to the press about how him and his wife

had been treated and everyone's like, shut up. They've got a Spotify deal. Yeah, they're like, shut up, guys. If you don't like the limelight so much, why don't you just shut up? That's what people say to them. It's not fair. Yeah. Your dream drink.

My dream drink is. Oh. Is the wine. The wine. It's all the booze. What kind of wine is it? All the booze. It's another horrible.

It's like broccoli rabe. It's a hard one to say without sounding like a tosser. Pui-fume. Pu-fume. It's the pui. Pui. Pui-fume. Pui-fume.

Pui-fume. I used to like that. You saw after your cat got to it. That works. I don't. well. Yeah, boy, through me. Oh, Christ.

Hello. It's really some terrible ingredients. Okay. We'll throw in a spicy margarita as well. Yes, please. I want a chili margarita. A chili margarita. A chili margarita.

Yeah. Beautiful. And coriander in it too. Yeah, oh, nice. Lovely. And also a pint of lager with your bag of cressers from the dirty duck. Yes. A bag and popperon crisps.

And espresso martini. I mean, there are so many good drinks. Yeah, there are. So the more drinks you list, the more impressive it is that you haven't drunk for three years. It's very impressive. There's so many lovely ones. Yeah.

I know, I have zero beer now. I have zero beer after the show because it sort of helps a little bit. Is there a good one? Yeah, what's your faith. And what's your faith. And what's your saint's all right as well. Everyone says the Heineken one's the best.

Yes. If it's really cold and someone's put it in a glass and you sip it, you can sometimes go, oh God, was that real? You just had to wipe your mouth then. You sounded like worried as well. You sort of went, oh, God, is that real? Well, I wouldn't be worried. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I've broken it. Do you have nightmares about breaking your three-year stint? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'd actually killed someone. I woke up and I killed someone. I was like, this is so much work to cover this up.

And then it was because I was drunk and I'd let it happen or I'd deliberately done it. Yeah, and there was such a joy to wake up from that and go, oh, I don't have. It's the best. Just to be clear, your main worry when you had killed someone was that it would be a lot of work to cover it up. Big trouble. And that you'd broken your three years, it wasn't, I'm my fucking God, I've killed someone. Well, the person that I'd killed was dangerous. Who was it?

A dangerous person. I can't remember who it was, but they were malevolent. It had to be done. But not everyone knew how malevolent they were And it was a big story It can't be a big thing These are the traces I have of it in my mind I've been trying to remember my dreams more

Since David Lynch died Because the thread is He was into transcendental meditation and all of that So I had a little bit of a go at that And there's a nether region Where it gets a little bit dreamy And you can start to actually tap into remember And I have been remembering my dreams

A lot more since then That's pretty cool. And I did some meditating on the way here, and the taxi driver had the radio on, and it was so noisy and irritating and infiltrating that I put my headphones in and put some strong Tibetan music humming sonorous notes in. I came in here, and it was still going in my pocket, and James said, what's playing on your phone? There we go.

I didn't want to tell me. I didn't want to divulge. No. And I was like... What's that on your phone? No. I don't want to divulge it. I've been transcendental meditating yet.

I'm too new to it. And it sounds too weird. But it's David Lynch's fault. I've been on a deep David Lynch time for the last couple weeks. Have you done the paid bit at the beginning? No. I did the introductory course. And actually the woman was like 20 minutes late and not very apologetic.

And then she went up to the desk and said, has there been a delivery for me and is the photocopier working is the effects working and I thought this is not this doesn't bode well reaching enlightenment

you've got to be mindful throughout all of that I know I did think she's obviously she's very chill she's not in any rush your favourite David Lynch film before we erase her head

is amazing I love that one the puppet and that is amazing have you seen that ducky ducky acid We arrive at your dream dessert Yes

I'll lower the tone here I was just thinking what would be fun And I Back in the 1980s When sugar was just I don't know Everyone having it It was a great fine thing to have

A pile of sugar on a wheatobics So it's like a snowy mountain With the milk on it That'd be a dessert Amazing think. That's fair enough. I love stuff. I mean, I used to do that as well. That's very nostalgic. A pile of sugar. Yeah. It has to be a heap so you can see it. Yeah. Bananas as well. No, that's nowadays. Nowadays, I'm a goddamn growing up and I put slice up some bananas on my wita bics. But back then, I was just heaping on that sugar.

Is it something you actually do now, but you know your dentist is listening? Please. How high is this pile of sugar? I want to... I think it's about as high as, you know, your thumb, that kind of height. It's like a... Yeah, well, okay. I didn't do that.

Yeah. But like that, that's impressive. As high as my thumb or James' thumb, because James got a really long thumb. No, not up the way, across the way. You lie your thumb laterally along the... Oh, just the... Oh, okay. Not as long as your thumb is...

You're going to be... When you add the milk, it's going to pour away, so maybe a little bit more, so it ends up. about this. Yeah, I can relate to that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is, it's funny, I've been measuring

things. My metrics are weird today. You're mainly measuring stuff by, like, bits of our bodies. But what we have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look at us and going. Yeah. So how many wheat of picks?

I'm one, actually. Whoa. Whoa. Fancy. What are we in a mission-starred restaurant? I'll tell you why, because my bowl is a little bit small in this dream. And there isn't room for two

lying flat. One would be upright and you wouldn't get the sugar even. Yeah. So we got to have just one. But you could have another one afterwards. So you want the sugar on the flat side. Sorry? You want the sugar on the flat side.

I used to line them up first, you know, like on like, you know, whatever. Like toasts in the toaster. Like toast in the toaster. I get about four and then I'd put the sugar on top of those. On the side? On the sides of them. On the, huh? Yeah, on the sides of them.

Yeah. Which are all lined up to make one surface now. But then you're only getting the sugar on a little bit, right? So you're not... I agree with Nina that you need to get as much surface area of the sugar as possible, right? So it would be the flasker. I mean, you know, I'm learning it, we're all learning. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, but I've never done it like that. I like that in your dream the bowl is small and you're not willing to change that. I'm sorry, that's how it comes. Yeah. That's how it comes. Otherwise, it's a white bowl, a two wheat-a-bix wide bowl is one of those kind of... That's the one kind of bowl.

Like a lasagna dish. Yeah, we're getting into that. We don't want to get into that. No, no. Much milk in there? Munch milk? Much milk? Enough milk, yeah.

There'll be a little bit, what body part will this do? And here's side on ears worth of milk in the bottom of the... Mine or James has got quite small ears. Yeah, he's got the little... I guess they're the same thickness, aren't they? Yeah, yeah.

Same thickness. That's why yours looks like a weight. Yeah. This is such gross metrics. I'm sorry. What sort of milk? What sort of milk? I think it'll be whole.

I've gone oat recently, but it's got to be whole milk for that. But in the 80s. Well, you're already shit-faced. You may as well have a whole milk at this point, right? Yes. Yeah. Got your espresso martini with this. Yeah.

What's the milkiest cocktail there is? Oh, it could be a pinocalada. White Russian. Mudslide. Mudslide. We eat a bit. Mudslide Wheatapix sounds amazing. Yeah.

That's my best friend at school. Don't ask how much got that name. Don't ask how I got that name. To say that jigsaw never got recovered. That was he got involved. That sounds great. I really like this. You're not warming it up in the microwave.

Some people warm up their wheatobics in the microwave. I think it's sacrilegious. I think that's sacrilegious. It would have to be cold milk. Yeah. And frosty. For the snow theme, is this snow cap to make? out in the Sweetabakes.

Is this your favourite cereal as well? Is this the King of Serial's Wheatabings? No, I think I would go for a sugar puff or a frosty if I'm allowed. I don't have it these days. This is like just the kids finished of the thing. Yeah. I have a very mature porridge, you know, it's made with water and salt. Yeah.

And the weird way my dad always ate it was with a separate bowl for the milk. And then you've got the salt porridge water in one bowl. You'd take the hot porridge and you dip that into the cold milk. Uh-huh. So that the milk's still cold around the spoon and you got hot and cold in your mouth at the same time. You would never pour the milk on the porridge. Wow. I like this.

So the milk's always cold. It's always really cold. The porridge is hot. That's a good system. And it's still like all mushed up porridge. It's not like what? What do you mean almost up? Just trying to think about what the porridge looks like.

It looks like porridge. Yeah, it's actually on the kind of watery side. And it's in a bowl far away from you. because you have to start with that, then the milk, so the milk doesn't have long to travel to the mouth. You see what I mean? Oh, so the porridge is far away. It comes on the journey.

Into the cold milk. Straight in. Quick, because you've got to keep those temperatures separate. I love it. Yeah, very specific. Lined up like that. That's unusual, isn't it? What's you doing this every morning?

It's unusual. There are things that he does that, yeah, now I realize are unusual. There's also the way he makes toast is he and flaps it like with long arms, like he's bringing a plane in. And that's because you have to cool it down or the butter will melt onto the toast. He doesn't want the butter to melt. No, no, there's very specific temperatures.

But I've inherited these things now because I think that's how it's done, you know. So you do that with the toast? I do. I flap my toast about it. When was the first time you realised that toast flapping wasn't normal? I think I just one day looked at him and thought, you look like you're flying and that's really unusual. I don't know, maybe it was about 35. Okay, I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water, painfully sparkling water. You would like a packet of Popin' On Crisps from the Dirty Duck Pub with a pint of lager. Start you on a pistachio nut tree. Main course, your dad's spaghetti, Pomodora, side dish of broccoli rabe from De Paolo's in New York. For a drink, you would like, hmm. Now, I knew, as we were saying this earlier,

You're not going to remember how to say this, James. Puelly, Pooley. You know to not say the elves, man. Pui? Think of the jigsaw. Pue, if you may. White wine. You also want a chili margarita at some point

and an espresso martini at some point. Desert, a pile of sugar on a single flat wheatobics with an ear's thickness of milk and maybe a mudslide on the side. Beautiful. I love it. That was a delicious menu. Thank you.

I'm so glad you. I liked it. I think it's very nice. Great. I want some spaghetti Pomodoro now. I want some wheat of eggs. Spaghetti is great without anything on it.

Spaghetti's great. Even like just hard spaghetti, would you eat that? I would give it a go. You can't do that. Yeah, yeah. Some people who do it. I put one in my ear once.

What? Oh, no. Yeah. A hard one? Yeah, yeah. Touch my own brain. Ah! He didn't touch his own brain.

I swear it down I touched my brain. He didn't touch your own brain. Swear down. I planted seeds up my nose when I was a kid. You planted seeds up your nose. Yeah, and it was such a bad idea. It was too, and then it couldn't get them out. And then it just like, thank God they didn't grow.

Because they might have, that might be the right environment for them. Bestructure a tree? Yeah. You were trying to grow seeds. That was the aim. What was the aim? It was very, I hadn't thought it through. You stuffed them up there wanting to plant them.

I thought that might grow up there. Can you remember what they were? What you were growing? They were tiny and I think they came out of a poppy. Poppy seeds Yeah Imagine if that On Remembrance Sunday

Just pull the poppy out your nose That would be the new standard then Yeah Every year people are going Why aren't you growing a poppy out of your nose Yeah If you don't pull the poppy out your nose

You don't care about the fallen Nina Thank you so much For coming to the dream restaurant Thank you Thank you Thank you There we are James

What a great menu I love the menu I love the tree I really want to try those pistachios now It sounds like another world A completely different thing Try the tree I'm not going to try the tree

What, take a bite out of the tree Well you take the nut of the tree Right You take the nut off the tree Put the nerd in your mouth Talking of nuts Yeah They weren't monkey nuts luckily

We were skating on thin ice there Yeah we were But they weren't monkey nuts So it's okay Yes We didn't kick Nina out of the restaurant But like Yeah there were some pistachio nuts

in early doors. Yes. That could have been out during the starter. Which I wouldn't have like that. I wouldn't have felt good about it. Although then we could have switched

it up, Monkey could have come on. Do you know what we could have done that? Yeah. Like, there's nothing that says we can't do that. Yes. That would have been good. I really wish we'd kicked him out. Yeah.

Too late. That would have been funny. But it was funny as it was. Let's face it. I had a good time. Very, very good episodes. Go and see Nina on tour. Whose face is it anyway?

Yeah. It's been extended into the autumn. Go and check out the dates at Nina on tour. and get yourself a ticket for shows near you. Yeah, for shows near you. Ed, do you have anything to say? I know that it's been a tough week,

but it's been fucking up. He's been fucking up all week. He's fucked up a lot this week. He was supposed to send us sunlight, the film to watch, that Nina, the Nina's made. He fucked that up. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next time.

Bye-bye. Oh, hi, James. Have you heard the news? Oh, yeah, go on. You and I are modern boys, because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube. This is embarrassing. Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube. I love watching clips on YouTube, sure. Now people can watch clips of off-menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool. We're on YouTube with the great and good. The coolest people in the world are on YouTube. Me, you, Logan Paul. Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession? At Off Menu podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now. And we're on TikTok. This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man. We're cool. We're like Olivia Rodrigo. And Ed. People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually. They want to watch the Stephen Graham Supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes. They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did. or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it. Follow us at Off Menu official on TikTok at Off Menu podcast on YouTube. You can watch clips from the podcast and on YouTube you can watch full video episodes. People have been asking for it and you're finally getting it full video episodes so you can see every single nuance on our little faces.