Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Paul F. Tompkins (Tasting Menu)

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Fan favourite from way back in Series 3 of Off Menu, US podcasting royalty and ‘Bojack Horseman’ star Paul F. Tompkins returns to the Dream Restaurant for a Tasting Menu. Listen to Paul’s original episodeListen to Paul F. Tompkins’s podcasts ‘Spontaneanation’ and ‘Threedom’ wherever you get your podcasts. Follow Paul on Instagram and TikTok @pftompkinsDon’t forget, video episodes of Off Menu are out every Wednesday on our YouTube.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, fresh hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows. They're going to be great. They're on sale now.

Ed Gamble.com.com.com. For ticket details. Welcome to the Off menu, Tasting Menus. We get a fan favourite back on the podcast. We give them the menu of another fan favourite and they react to it. This week, our returning fan favourite guest is Paul F. Tompkins. Paul Lev Tompkins. I remember the first time we had Paul on James, I was so excited.

I love Paul F. Tompkins' work. We interviewed him in America. It's fantastic that he was over in the UK to record this. Yeah. Delighted to have him back on, we'll be giving him the menu of another fan favourite. This feels like the second part of like a phone exchange student, kind of like pen pal situation. You go and visit them where they live

And now he's come into our home Learning all our little ways Yeah, that's exciting Did you do foreign exchange when you were a kid? No, we had pen pals with like just another school in England And we went to their school at one point And obviously my one kind of didn't want to hang out with me When he met me in person

And he kind of ditched me for this other He kind of hang out with his friend And his pen pal from my class So I was kind of just drifting around on my own At this other school for the day But look at you now That kid is going to be gutted right now. You could have been friends with James A. Castor.

That kid's David Beckham. Very excited to speak to Paul. Of course, listen to Spontaneation, Paul's podcast. He's got another podcast called Threedom as well. Listen to that one. He's on all sorts of podcasts. He's brilliant. Always funny. Always a pleasure to talk to. Let's see how he reacts to this menu, Ed. This is the off-menu tasting menu of Paul L. Tompkins. Welcome back, Paul to the dream restaurant. Paul, it's good to see you.

I thank you. It's good to see you, fellow. We were just chuckling there at Ben's clap. It was fun. Ben does a little clap to... The clap, though, what does that actually do? It... Sinks up the sound, I think. Shouldn't it be in front of the cameras, though,

to sync up the sound with the audio? Okay. Oh, he's telling you it's boring. Wow. That's the earliest Ben's ever said to us, this is boring in an episode. No, no, no, that was not boring. It was a genuine question from me, Paul.

That was just my actual personality. Of course. Only time that Ed's ever shown an interest in Ben's life. Yeah. And that's... Telling him, he's probably don't. something wrong. Oh, oh, it was wrong.

Shouldn't they be in front of the camera? Yeah. So everything we're saying now, they will have already heard it. Right. And our faces are doing it right now. Yeah. Our faces are doing it right now. Our faces are doing it right now.

Yeah. Yeah, but they've already heard it. Yeah, but our faces are doing it right now. Are you guys? I should not have gotten high before this. This is hard for me. Listen, man, this is different territory now. When you came on this podcast, those early days, we were bought.

Yeah. We're men now. You can't push us around that you did the first time. You know what? I respect that. Yeah. I respect that.

Do you remember being pushed around by Paul? Yeah. Yeah. Push us around. Oh, I don't push people. Oh, no. I'm a sweetie. You are a sweetie, actually.

I'm a little sweetie. Yeah. We were just little boys with little dicks. And now we're going to show him. We're going to show him who we are. Oh, okay. Sorry, he would show me we are. We've got to show him who we become now.

Yeah. And we've started. Paul, it's a delight to have. you back. I'm very happy to be back. I'm glad this all worked out. To experience a tasting menu. Yes. When we last saw you, it was February 2020 before everything kicked off. And kick off it did. How have you been since we saw you? Anything happened? I've what's funny now is that when you see somebody you haven't seen in a while in

the States now and you ask them how they are, they always start with, I mean, I mean, you know, it's like, understood, understood. Just in general, you as a human being, how are you doing your day-to-day life? Yes. Don't feel like you have to. We know what's going on. We just want surface level. Yeah, you're not a bad person if you start with the injustice.

It's like, yes, understood. Yeah, if you start going, fantastic, everything's great. No one's assuming you think everything's great. Are you kidding me? This person doesn't care. What you do is you give a high-pitched, good, good. Yeah. But pretty good.

Sells it. You know, you know exactly what's going on. They know. Yeah, that's good. Did you turn down Viyadh? Let me tell you something. They offered me $1,000 to go over there. What? And I said, uh-uh.

I have principals. That was a life-changing amount of money. That was the MC, the new act showcase. Yes, the new face, the fresh faces. The new faces. The Riyadh. New faces. I was going to do the character night.

Yeah. And it's too bad. You had to pay for your own flights as well, though, right? Yes. Out of the 1,000. Yes. And then some sort of travel tax that I had to pay upon arrival at the venue? And accommodation.

Yeah. Total nightmare. Yeah, no one talks about, yeah, the comics are often the most disrespectful deals. Yeah. They've ever come across. You know, I have my principles. Me and James are setting up the Riyadh free fringe. Yeah.

Because we feel like ticket prices have got too high. Oh. It's so... Yeah. It used to be great. Yeah. The Riyadh Comedy Festival used to be so lovely. And now it's just...

It's too big. Yeah. It got too big. Yeah. It's too corporate, may I say? Yeah. Yeah. They got chilies.

Yeah. Everyone knows that. Yeah. Everyone knows that. That's very well above the size. So... It's really too bad the money was so low because I was looking forward to building a bridge between our cultures. Yeah.

And, uh... You know, in many ways, uh, America's more oppressive than any of Europe. That's a good point. Yeah. It's a good point. Too bad. Now, you've heard some tasting menus in the past. Yes, I have.

Is there any, you know that we're going to give you another guest's menu? Yes. Anyone that you're hoping for? Anyone that you think are absolutely not that person? Do you know it's difficult because they get sort of confusing because the guests seem very put off by the whole idea? I think it was the first one John John Cairns

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah That's the one that sticks in my mind the most Yeah Yeah So he had Miriam Marguerese's menu Yeah Yeah yeah

I think people come into the dream restaurant And they assume that They're just gonna be able to pick What they like again Because it's a dream Yeah But this is a forced dream We're making

This is a nightmare Well Well it might be a nightmare It might not be It depends on the menu But we are Essentially making you have a specific dream,

sort of like a Black Mirror episode. Okay. You're not going to give me Stevie Martins, I hope. No. No. Don't worry. Didn't like Stevie Martin's finding? Main course of nachos. Yeah. It wasn't all her food the same color?

It was, yeah, it's pretty... It had a consistency in the color palette. Yeah, yeah. I like a pop of color. Yeah, sure. I think there's pops of color in this. Oh, there's actually quite a lot of color in this. Yeah. Looking at it.

Actually... Oh. We didn't really bring it up at the time, but there was not, no, this is all the same color. Yeah. Yeah, this is pretty similar color-wise. So you know when I said there's some colors in this? I meant the opposite. Yeah.

Why? Well, I don't know. I think I just didn't know. Yeah. But it sounds like you're trying not to say that you lied. Yes. It wasn't a lie. I just said.

I meant the opposite of what I said. I meant the opposite of what I said. That sounds like a lie. And it was in error. It was in error. so it didn't come from the heart. I would have led with I was mistaken. I was, okay.

Rather than I meant the opposite of what I said. I meant. You're lucky we're not in court. What I said was not what I meant. Unfortunately, it's the exact opposite of what I said. But is that a lie? Who are we to say? See, if you were the opposing lawyer

and you made that noise, I think I've won the case. I'm about to... I feel like I'm about to deploy Ben's famous catchphrase, this is boring. Do you know, the last time we were together, the only thing I remember from the episode is the famous Canary Nicole line. Yes. Canundrum. Canary in a cold mine, I also remember the Brussels song.

Yeah. You sing a song about Brussels Spouts. Yeah. I don't remember that. You seem to know the song off by heart at the time, so it's a shame that I dropped out of by heart at the time, Paul. And I didn't. No. I tried my own version.

Meatballs. Oh, the meat, maybe the meatballs. Five, we did both. Yeah. On top of spaghetti? Yeah. Is that the one? Well, we did that, and we did the Brussels Spouts.

What's the Brussels Spouts? Do you remember it? Yeah. Let's hear it. Let's do it together. Let's do it together. This is happening again. Brussels sprouts, they're going south.

Good as well as last time. Brussels rats, they're going south. Yeah. I love they going south. What did we, what did we determine about the canary and the coal? I cannot remember that. I think the idea was testing something, something being the canary in the coal mine.

And then we were wondering, how did they get the canary in the coal? What did they do? Did they lower a cage with a canary? Of course. And I can't remember what the real thing was. I think no one else that would have started with farts. So it probably would have been a room full of farts

and that you send a canary in there to check if the farts have cleared yet. After you've had your Brussels sprouts or something. so disgusted with you right now. I know that didn't happen. Yeah? You're not a fart guy, right? You're not a fart humorist. No.

No, I wouldn't call myself that. You don't call yourself a fart humor? I wouldn't be so humoristic as to lay claim to that title. When others do it so well. Yeah. Yeah. They were actually too many of those guys going to rear. That's why you missed out in the end.

Yeah. That's right. There was a mandate. Yeah. Yeah. We got too many. There was a special clause in the contract that said, you could only fart this many times.

Yeah. You're not allowed to fart this much. During your set or the whole time you're there? Whole time you're there. Wow. So you're imagining that Paul as a fart humorist at literally farts

rather than just talks about farts. He does a joke about farts and then after the punch sign cocks her cheek and farts as like a little bit of punctuation at the end. It's an edit point. You just lift that all out. We're giving you Alex Horns menu.

Okay. Okay. Now, he's a vegetarian, is that correct? Nope. No. Not at all. Why did I think that? He looks vegetarian. He does look vegetarian. He seems like a guy you'd go to a restaurant with and it would be a problem.

Yeah. Well, that's true. That's true. But not because of any dietary needs. Is he a picky little boy? No. Picky little boy. He's just trouble. He's just trouble. He's the sort of person you'd be eating your main course and suddenly he'd just reach over and grab a bit.

Oh, no. And then you'd pop it in a little. mouth, I think. Oh, absolutely not. It's an alien, like when it comes to food. It's like he doesn't really understand the concept of... By the way, you left such a big gap between alien and when it comes to food, that it sounded like you were just going with.

I thought this was a scoop. Yeah. It was an exclusive. He's an alien. But I don't think that would surprise anyone. That man was an alien? Absolutely not. See him try and talk to me.

When he's on TV, that's him as most charismatic. He's turning it on for the cameras. Off camera, So uphill. Would have a chat with that guy. I think it's because you two are too similar, you and Alex on. No.

Because out of everyone, I know from Comedy, Paul, and out of everyone you know from comedy, who would you point out as being the most likely to be an alien? Wow. Give you a little clue. You're looking at me. You know Sam Campbell?

I think I feel... Sam Campbell. Yeah, that's true. Sam Campbell. I feel like you're a little too, a little too combative to be an alien. Thank you. Yeah.

Aliens are famously friendly, aren't they? Well, I mean, if you're trying to... Have you seen Independence Day? Now, hold on a second. They're not trying to live like us on Earth. They just came to destroy things. That's pretty combative in my book. You're saying there's one kind of alien?

No, I'm saying they're not familiar with the whites, with the greys? But the grays, the grays are combative, aren't they? As far as I'm concerned. They're just nosy. They're nosy, and they're. most of them want you to take them to your dealer from memory. Is that a thing in America?

Take me to your dealer? Is that a thing in America? That aliens say this? Yeah. Yeah, it was a big poster over here in the 90s. And T-shirts. And T-shirts. So it would be a big picture of a gray alien

holding his finger up, and it's like glowing like a spliff. And it says, take me to your dealer. Why would he need the dealer when he's already got a built-in joint? That's fair enough. But you couldn't ask him.

Or is he looking to sell the finger? Maybe he's looking to sell the finger. Take me to your dealer and is he looking to buy product? I have no experience in business. How much to make from this? You seem to have a good thing going on this planet. Take me to your dealer. That's one of the great posters, I think.

One of the great posters. It's iconic. And we were kids. That was huge. Take me to the dealer. Adi hash was another good one. That would be like a flag, like the Adidas logo, but it's a weed leaf and it says adi hash. That sounds familiar.

You must have seen it. Are they still making things like that? They surely sell things like that at festivals still, I think. Yes. But I've not seen Take Me to Your Dealer in a long time. Needs bring them back. Yeah. Take me to your dealer.

Or its own film. I beg your part. It should have like a film. Based on the popular poster? Yeah. Yeah. We've had like Barbie, the movie, right? Yeah.

It's about the time we started basing movies on posters. Based the thing on a book. Yeah. And maybe they'd take me to your dealer people would be like the bar, the Mattel people and be up for, you know. being criticized during it as well. That's right. Lightly.

That's right. Yeah. About the dangers of marijuana. Yeah, it'd be like, hey, I grew up with Take Me to Your Dealer and now I'm stone 24-7. Let's brainstorm this. So it would be an alien. I mean, it has to be an alien comes down to Earth. It's like an E.T-type story.

Yeah, yeah. But it lives on the planet where all the Take Me to Your Dealer aliens live. So on this planet, it's full of aliens who are all looking for a dealer, but there isn't one there. I think it's a planet of dealers. And one alien. And what? No, there are alien dealers. Yeah.

Paul saying all the aliens are drug dealers. You're saying that all the aliens are human. You're saying there's all human drug dealers on a planet. And one alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you think it is. But then why would that guy then need to come here to find a dealer? The two societies, there's two societies and they're split between dealers and dealer wanters.

Okay, yeah, yeah. And so, well, are they? Or is it just the way their society is? And who are we to judge? Yeah. The film will explore that, I guess. Yes. And he comes to Earth or she.

Yep. And is lost because it's like, how can I, I can't believe there's no dealers around. Yeah. And because weed is now, they just sell it in stores and stuff. It's very confusing. He wants to go to a dark hole. He needs a dealer. Yeah.

One of a dealer. Yeah. He needs to find somebody. a dealer. Well, then he needs to come to the UK. This needs to be UK-based, I think. Because we don't have it. We don't have the shops here. We're not selling it. I thought I saw one. No, you got done. It's got the green

cross. Does that mean something else? That's just a regular pharmacy. Whatever you bought. Boy, that's confusing. I feel sorry for people coming to America. What have you been smoking this whole trip? Some parisites. It's a fix vapor up. I don't smoke anything, but I do

eat gummies all day long. Yeah. Yeah. So those were With a little laxative pills you're eating I guess so That would explain a great deal Yeah That's a good bit for the film isn't it Oh yeah

The Aean accidentally eats laxatives Croops everywhere And you can do the fart For the voiceover Ed That's two I didn't realize you're on a counter You don't want to get to three

Okay Because then you're gonna You'll find out You know what I think you're gonna do But I can't mention it Because then it'll be three Yeah This is an absolute catch-22.

Catch-22. There we go. lifts up nicely. For your water course, you had still water. Yes. Alex Horner's gone a different way. What do you think Alex has done? And this is what you're going to...

Has he come up with a third thing? Yes. And this might be something you don't have in the US of A. I haven't seen it there. Another type of water? Well... Is it not a water? I don't think, no.

He's really bent the rules here. We've let him. Oh, he likes to do it. He likes to do it. Oh, it's okay when he does it. Sure. So still is sparkling or is it like a cola of some sort? No.

But you're right. It's just a completely different drink and it's like a, and it is just a brand name of something that he bought. Santa? Very close. Santa. Santa. Ganta?

It's a tall glass of Santa. That's pretty close to Fanta. What would say Ganta is? If you had to imagine what Gantua is as a drink. I mean, obviously, it's Fanta laced with marijuana. Yeah. So it's a hybrid of Ghanja and Fanta. Yeah.

Which sounds fantastic. Yeah. And Gantastic. We're having fun. I'm here with my friends, Teddy and Jim. Omengina. Get the fuck. Orange.

To start a meal? Yeah. Ovengina. Why not just orange juice? Yeah, they want some of in Gina. So you have orange eat here? Yeah. And is it in a fun bottle as well?

Yeah. That looks like an orange? You know what? I don't know if it still is, but I remember when it was a new thing in the States. That was exciting. It was an exciting time. Yeah.

There's a new drink innovation. Yeah. I remember my mother who was, you know, she was a kid during the Depression, and she thought I never thought I'd see this day. Yeah. It's a wonderful day for freedom. Yeah.

She cried an orange tier. What's the latest drink innovation in America at the minute? Is there something that's like? Everything's a zero in terms of your mainstream soda pops. The sort of lightly flavored sparkling water, what is it, LaCroix, all that stuff, which I really don't like because it's neither fish nor foul. It is either I want no flavor or I want some flavor, but it feels like you're drinking. out of a reused glass.

Yeah. It's just like the tiniest little... I don't get it. I don't get what the point is. It's like the memory of a flavor. Yeah. I don't find it refreshing more enjoyable. But people...

It's now the default everywhere you go. Those kind of drinks. Spin drift. Others. And it used to be, if you'd go to a place like this that had like a little kitchenette or something, you would find water, you'd find maybe some soft drinks. And now it's all that.

And if you don't drink, that, you're out of look, baby. Yeah. Are you a fan of liquid death? It's so cool. Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? It's so cool. And a lot of times when I'm drinking water, I feel like a big loser.

And I remember thinking, if only there was a way to make this rock and roll. And they did it. They did it. They finally did it. Yeah. I would love that if Paul had started drinking liquid death and that was your drink. And everyone was like, you see you know if Tompkins is drinking liquid death all the time?

Turns up with a big load of liquid death. Absolutely. Yeah. What I like about liquid death is if you have it when you're driving, it looks like you're having a big beer. Yeah. And then the police might stop you and you'd be like, there's nothing they can do.

Suckers. Yeah. It's water. Police hate this one trick. But there's nothing they can do about it. Yeah. And then they have to be like, all right, we'll leave you alone.

Forever. And they will do that. If there's no laws broken, they have to leave you alone. Yeah. And they can't make anything out. Yeah, yeah. All shucks sticking their hands in their pockets, kicking a rock.

Got me again. And then they walk back to their car, and then I go, hey, copper. And then I throw them a can of liquid death. It spins through the air. They catch it, and they go, mm, and then open it and take it. This is an advert now. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Yeah, sometimes I just go into an advert.

Right, yeah. And then they are fired because the commissioner of police drives by, sees them drinking a, I think it's a beer. Yeah. It goes down the line, right? Yeah. The commissioner comes out, gives him a dressing down in front of everyone. Yeah.

The cop is there taking the dressing down. Yeah. But knows they've got an eight in the hole. Mm-hmm. This is water. The captain's just completely... The captain's gutted. What?

Oh, man, I got a... Oh, shucks. Hand in the pocket. He's kicking a rock. Got me again. Or he shoots him. That's how we... That's how things are solved where I came from.

Yeah. Yes. I forgot if this is set in America. Because the police commissioner were saying, he's a dirty cop. Or he knows I'm a dirty cop. cop, the shield. Yeah. Gotta get rid of them.

I'm thinking this advert is... The TV show The Shield. Yeah. This advert is all filmed with like body cam footage as well. Yeah, it's one. Yeah, that's not released at first. Yeah, yeah. They have to really position.

This is an advertisement. You have to fight to get released. That's sweet petitions and... Yeah. And the advert kind of what ends with you as the kind of citizen or steering wheel. Just panicking because a cop has shot another cop. Yeah. Go in the, what the fuck of my God?

Oh, Jesus Christ. And then it was got liquid death, of course. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Or I, like, take a glug and that calms me down or something. And then the tagline is the police captain saying, you didn't see shit. Liquid death. You didn't see shit.

Yeah, that's good. I think, you know, sometimes when we mention products, they send us some. I don't know if that's going to happen this time. We'll see. If it does. You don't think liquid death is cool enough to like this commercial we've just come over? Have you looked at the kids? But they do a lime one anyway. They do like a lime seltzer version.

Oh, do they really? Yeah, it's called like fucking lime or something. Lime up your ass. Your bread course, you chose hot, fresh sour dough and a dark peasanty bread is what you said. Yeah. And I think we all know what you mean. Yeah. And you stand by. It still sounds nice. Alex Horns, this is what you're having. So I'm saying you're not having that today. Communion Wafers. I'm genuinely checking if that's in there.

It's a great guess. Okay. It's not in there. Okay. But I'm smiling for a reason. Anyway, Oh, that's nice. You'll find out what, the reason later.

He's just smiling. He's just so happy. It's smiling for a reason. I'm not an idiot. I'm not smiling for no reason. Yeah. And I don't want you to think that. You're not tetched.

Okay, you're going to, we're sending over some mighty white, medium-slice bread with butter, shrimp primula, sliced cheese and gluten, river flavor and a Biscoff Pop-Tart. It's your bread course. There was an ingredient in there. What was the shrimpula? Shrimp primula. It's a shrimp spread.

It's like a... Not a shrimp who's been turned into a vampire. Shrimp primula? Yeah. I can't believe we've come up with another show. We've come up with two shows. Two shows in an advert, so far. We've almost got a whole hour of programming.

A shrimp has turned into a vampire. So I guess a vampire... Bit the shrimp. Yeah. Doesn't like seafood, yeah. Put it back. Yeah.

The shrimp's a vampire. The shrimp's a vampire, yeah. And I guess it takes place under the sea like SpongeBob, but it's like a... But yes, it's stay under a rock all day. It's like a dark sponge bob. Yeah. Can't see the sun. It has to go into that dark bit of the ocean.

Yeah. Where we don't even understand it. Oh, my God. The fish with a light bulb head. I don't like that. Thumbs down. I don't like those guys. No one likes those.

No, see-through skulls and stuff. Yeah. Out of here. Awful. Although Shrimpula would have to be friends with one of those guys so you can see around in the dark, right? Yeah, Shrimpula would have to be friends of one of those guys. Shrimpula would be forced to be friends with one of those guys.

Yeah, yeah. There's no way around it. Probably become everyone's favorite character in the cartoon. Oh, yeah. You're not of fun with those guys. Yeah. And, like, make it quite an adorable. A fun, dumb, psychic.

You'd have to spit it so it's not like as psychotic as it looks. It's quite a fun little friend to have around. And then everyone would love Bulbo or whatever. Just a huge jaw full of razor-sharp teeth. Yeah. Just black eyes like bulb head. Yeah. But then he's funny.

Yeah, he's quite sensual. He doesn't get things. A good listener. He's a good listener. He cares about Shrimpula. He cares about Shrimpula. He's nice sure to Shrimpula than Shrimpula is to him. Yeah.

By far. Oh, for sure. So what the fuck is that? That's a, it's like a prawn. It's like spreadable cheese in a tube. It's like spreadable cheese in a tube. But, which is shrimp. But shrimp flavored.

Yeah. It's not a bestseller. Wait, wait. Spreadable cheese in a tube is called Primula? Yeah. Where does that come from? I genuinely don't know. Primula. Ben, you'll have to Google it. You'll have to Google where the word primula even comes from.

This sounds like a children's medicine, right? Yeah, it does. Yeah, that doesn't sound. Do you have spreadable cheese in a tube? Of course. What's it called? I dare say we invented it. If anyone did.

Almost certainly. Almost certainly. I was going to say cheese whiz, but that's a different thing. I can't think of a brand name. But yeah, it's like it almost, it comes out looking almost like a sort of cake frosting kind of thing. Yeah, we've got Primilar. It comes in like, it looks like a toothpaste tube, basically, like a big toothpaste tube. We've got Primula sounds like you would say that to someone on the phone.

They can't come over. Sorry, we've got Primilom. We've got Primilom. We've got, we're shielded. It actually looks like, Matt, it looks like a sort of topical cream. Yes. I would say. I think you're right that it sounds like a pharmaceutical thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not. The baby's got the croup. The more that we had to get. It's a rubble in his chest. So he can sleep. And you do, you just squeeze it onto bread and spread it out or now and again, I've gone straight to mouth.

Sure. Cheap to mouth. When I was a young bachelor, I remember realizing I could buy that if I wanted to. Yeah. All the things my mother would say, no, that's garbage. Yeah, we're not going to eat that. Yeah. But I've got money now.

I can walk into a shop. I can buy that. I can squeeze it straight into my mouth. That's right. What was the worst thing you did that with as a young bachelor? Probably, I used to buy these, it would be like just a box of microwavable chicken. Yeah. Banquet.

Banquet chicken, it was called. And you would get like eight pieces of chicken. And I would make that last almost a week. Wow. Yeah. So some days you're having, you're doubling up on the chicken. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. when you're splashing out, but then other days you're just having one piece of chicken. That was a time of life where a meal would be something that you would eat all week long, the same thing all week long. Yeah, yeah. Make a big batch of it. When I moved to Los Angeles, I was saved by my mother who would make up her pasta sauce, red sauce, and meatballs and sausages and send that to me frozen. So then I could just buy some spaghetti and heat that up. And it was very much necessary.

It saved me many times. You're one of those people. who I just imagine their mother is you in a wig. Oh, there's more. You're one of those people, maybe not. You're one of those people. Yeah, I can only imagine, like, when people talk about their mother

and I haven't met their mother, usually it's just like, an image doesn't come into my head. But for you, I do just imagine you in a wig. I've had this with people. That's all I imagine. When you say my mother, I'm like, oh, that's Paul in a wig.

I've had this exact, same thing. There was a TV show called WKRP in Cincinnati, and there was a character on that show called Les Nesman, and there was an episode where his mother comes to visit, and it's just the actor, you know, made up to look like his own mother. And there was a guy

that I knew that when he would talk about his mother, that's exactly what I pictured. Was him in a wig and lipstick like little glasses? I think, I can't imagine any member of your family that isn't just you in a different costume. Now, do you imagine my mother having a mustache?

Yeah. Okay. Just you? She was Italian. You're racist. So it was racist in the end. You're one of those people. I was right.

Yeah. It ended up being racist. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got there in the end. James is one of the slowest racists on the planet. Yeah. The other racist are very disappointed in me.

At the about a time. Every time you have a meeting. Okay, Acosta, you know what we're going to say. It's still taking you too long to get to the racism every single time. Stop with a small talk. Yeah. You've got to stop getting to know these people. Take it the long way around.

Cut to the chase. It's so convoluted every single time. There's so many people to be racist to. Who do we think the fastest racist on Earth is? Ooh. There's a few out there. There's a few speedy lads out there. Yeah.

There's a lot of people at the minute who are vying for that. They should do a racist Olympics. Wouldn't that be lovely? Yeah. To get them all in one place. Yeah. He's also got sliced cheese there. than with this squeasy cheese.

Abisk off Pop-Tarts. You love Pop-Tarts in America. You love it. You're American. You love it. You love Pop-Tarts. I can't deny that. That's true. Pop-Tarts are very enjoyable.

I haven't had one in a while. Would you want it as part of your bread course before a meal? No. No. Because I take the podcast seriously, and I'm not here to fuck around. Yeah. And be a little devil. I think Alex is fucking around a little bit,

but also I just think he has no real taste in food and just panics when... That makes me sad. Because every time, if you're filming Taskmaster with him, they'll come around and say, what does everyone want for lunch? And he'll, all he wants is whatever the most people are ordering.

Yeah. There. Because it seems like the most correct thing. The most correct thing. Yeah. What everyone else wants is what he wants. Alien. He's an alien.

That's totally an alien trying to blend in, isn't it? That's an alien trying to blend in. Yeah. That's all it is. And this is like, he's not even trying to be like that weird with it. I think gluten and riboflavin,

yeah, He's like, that's funny. But everything else, he's like, I would genuinely eat that. And I would enjoy it if I was just allowed to eat anything I wanted. I don't know if he had put the shrimp primula on the Biscop part. I'm guessing you wouldn't. No, this is bleak. Well, how about this for a start then?

And, I mean... Oh, I forgot that was just the bread. Yeah, that's just the bread course. And then again, just to remind you, you had, from Lily Langtrees, you had the cream of celery soup. Lovely. Delicious. Pretty similar. I thought it was cream of broccoli.

Did I say celery? That's what it says here. That's what Benito wrote down. Ben, have you been taking information off the Wikipedia, the fan made Wikipedia? They changed one thing slightly. Yeah. I bet it was celery, I bet I'm misremembering in my mind. Cream of celery.

It does sound nice. Sounds nice. Either way, I'd eat that soup. Cream of anything, really. I mean, you can't go wrong. It's the cream, really, doing a lot of the happy-mifting, isn't it? Let's be honest. So, yeah.

I don't think this could be more opposite, actually, what he's had. A crisp platter, so that you call them chips in the US, a crisp platter with dips, Jules Watson's pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching. Is his starter? Pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching. How are you feeling about that? What is his, what's his wordplay there?

There's no wordplay. So pork, are you aware of pork crackling, of course? Yeah, the crackling bit on the side of the pork. Pork scratching is a, you buy them in bags in pubs here. It's just bits of fat. It's the same as crackling. Yeah. But sometimes they have hair still on them.

Hair, hair? Yeah, like pig hair. But I mean, do you, does your tongue register it as hair? Yeah, it looks like hair, yeah. It looks like it, but when you, when you, what's the sensation of eating? I've never tasted the hair. It's not like you're chewing. Like when you get a hair caught in your mouth, it doesn't feel like that.

No, because it's been deep fried. It's been deep fried, so it's a crunchy hair. Yeah. But I'm not going to eat that. I feel like I have eaten that and I didn't. Yeah, I don't mind it. Because it doesn't say with hair, right? Right? No. You specified the hairless.

Sorry, we've only got it with hair left. Shave it off. I think we said on the episode, shave it off with a razor. Yeah. Because do they make them? They make them hairless as well. That's an option you can have? I think the aim is hairless. The aim is always hairless. But sometimes,

they're going to get in there. Yeah, when you're shaving a pig, you can't be really getting every inch. Here's a character for you. Pork F. Scratchings. That's for me Yeah Okay

I think only you could do it Okay What do you think are the The sort of characteristics Of scratches It's you Is he a pig with eczema He's a pig

Yeah I think that would be a charming character For you Really? Yeah You think a character Any character with eczema Is a charming character

A pig What people want to see? A pig though A pig Yeah A pig with a skin Irritation Yeah

Okay You constantly Like using your trotters To be like Right. Yeah. I mean, it's not a character point. They don't have a lot of reach.

Well, that's the worst thing about it. That's the worst thing about this charming character. You've got to scratch up against stuff. Yeah. Like a bear. Like a bear does, but you're a pig. All right. I'll think about it.

What would his job be? I think before we pitch this to the studios. He's got a job now? How has this guy been through enough? I definitely think Paul Keff Scratchens has a hat. Yeah. Yeah. Dresses like you, but with a hat.

And I've seen you in hats before. Yeah. I wear hats The last time I saw you. I was wearing a hat when I saw you yesterday. Yeah. So definitely just like,

dressed like you but a pig with eczema. Little mustache. Yeah, definitely. What's his job? I don't know why I'm on the spot here.

You want to do this character so goddamn, James! This is what you do. Yeah. This is what you do? You think I'm going to fall for this? Like you're going to make it

like it was my idea? Yeah. Uh-uh. I came ready for you today. I'm so glad you've called him on this pool. Ed thinks he wanted to do this podcast. You're no better.

Because you enable him. You like to get your back here. You like to sit back and watch it. Yeah, you enable me. I had to step in on that one, though, because this aggressive form of improv that you've invented is not on. Cornering people.

Torturing them by making them improvised characters. Yeah. Yeah. Is this a new thing you've started doing? Yeah, cornering people. Yeah. It's good. especially on the podcast it's funny

it it's good it generates it's good yeah it's good it's good yeah

it works a lot at the time like you're just too clever for us yeah well you I'm sure you have a lot of I feel like we've got a fox into the hen house

what a disaster that would be can you imagine I don't know why people talk about doing it so much it would be a terrible mess it would end so badly yeah it's like when people are like oh let's let a bull into that

China shop. I'm like, think it through. Yeah. What a weird expression? Let the bull into the china shop. Crazy. When does that ever happen? Yeah. Keep them separate. I say keep them separate. How do we know the bull is going to go crazy in there? We should

do it. We should run that experiment. Let a bull into a china shop and just see what happens. He might just stand still. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be being quite confused. Yeah. Also, when was the last time you saw a China shop? It's a very good question.

The shop just sells. Find China. I think the expression has stopped people opening China shops. Mmm. Even the possibility that it could happen. I could be wiped out in seconds. Not worth it. It's not worth it to have a China shop.

And you're happy that all this pork cracklin and stuff has come to your table? No, of course not. Do you like... This is a dream restaurant. You know what I mean? These are attainable things in the waking world Yes This is not a big dream

Do you like pork crackling And I like it okay A little bit goes a long way Yeah I can eat like three of those Before I'm like Yes Basta

I've not heard someone say that before Yeah, that's cool That is cool Americans are so cool So cool Blue jeans Oh. They've used a baby.

Main course. You had a lovely Ricotoni Arabiata, beef and ragu sauce with some spice. There's a bit of spice in there. Similar. This one, Pena pasta. Okay, normal. With pesto, borsan, frankfurter and cheddar.

Like cut up hot dogs? Yeah. That's like your beef, your beef and your... Is he an alien or is this a big situation? where he's a little boy in an adult's body. I thought you meant just a big situation, which if he was an alien, he's a whole big situation.

Mr. President, we've got a big situation. There's an alien on Earth. This is a big situation. Drop what you're doing. Stop talking to the cast of Ted Lasson. So it's penny pasta. I'm not a big penny guy. I think it's a little too earthy for me,

that pine sort of, flavor, you know? Pesto. Pesto. Did he say Pesto or no? He said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pesto is a bit too much for me. Yeah.

Yeah. There's pine nuts and parmesan and basil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I like some spices, but Pesto is not my favorite. Yeah. It sticks around. It sticks around. You have it, and then for the rest of the day, you're tasting it.

Yeah. It's not going anywhere. It's also not as satisfying to me as a rich red sauce. And I prefer a red sauce to a cream sauce. Yeah. I'm not going to turn down a cream sauce. Yeah, he would. Don't get me wrong.

No, it was turning that. But I love a red sauce. Okay, so penny pasta, pesto. He's just going for a little bit more. Borsan. What's that? We're back in the cheese territory. It's like a spreadable.

You can not again. It comes in like a little puck in like foil. It's like cream cheese, but a little bit more crumbly, and they do like a garlic and herb one. It's nice. It's way nice. than primula. It's nice. It would have to be. Yeah.

Yeah. So I guess it would just be put in the pasta and melt in there with everything. My memory of this is that he did just kind of, he's not had this. He's not eaten this. Yeah. It was something that he just thought that would be good. Came up with on the spot. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Of Frankfurt and cheddar. Cut of hot dogs and cheddar cheese. So not, so two types of cheese. Yeah, yeah. Why stop it two? And there's parmesan in the pesto as well. So there's actually three types of cheese in there.

I take it all back. That sounds delicious. And then Primula, obviously, in the starters. But you'd have to, I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, the concept of the cut-up hot dogs, I think works with, like, a macaroni and cheese. If you want to have, like, a sort of grown-up kid's meal. Yeah.

Yeah. But not in a pasta. I don't think so. It's really interesting what you say about Alex being in a big situation, because it does make sense. Because of, like, he wears clothes that are, like, just being, like, Hawaiian shirts that just been bought for him. And he very much looks like a 14-year-old going to his first, like, school dance where they can all wear their own clothes, you know? Is that how old you think he is, 14, really?

Based on this meal? So far? Yeah. Seven. Yeah. Yeah. It's fair enough. Do we think that's going to change? No.

He's not going to get any older. There's quite a lot more for Maine, isn't there? Because this was a Christmas episode as well, we should say. Oh, dear. So it's a big feast. You're actually getting quite a lot. there's a second main. So he introduced this.

It's only time we've let someone do this hack. He's got a Jamie Oliver pork roll. That you would get in the market? So it was, I think, from a Jamie Oliver branded place, maybe at a service station, it was like a hot pork roll, like bread roll with pork in it. Has Jamie Oliver made it over to your side of the pond? Yes, of course. How has he gone down over there?

I think he had a TV show where I think. think there was some pushback because he was trying to get people to eat healthy and people were not interested in that. To see that on television. It was met with that here as well. Yes. That was very much the reaction here to him trying to make children eat healthier. Yeah.

Was there was a lot of pushback from the parents of the very same children who were rotting inside. Those children have grown up and hate him. Yeah. None of them have grown up and gone. Actually, that guy, looking back, that was good. That whole generation hates his guts. He was trying to do a good thing. That's really funny to think of it.

They hate him. They eat him on sight. They all hate it. He moved their lives. He took away their turkey twizzlers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The big thing was the turkey twizzlers that they all wanted. What is a turkey twizzler?

So it's like something they used to serve in schools. So it's like reconstituted turkey, so it's barely any turkey in it, but just like fake meat, basically. Yeah. but in a, like, spring formation and then, like, in a sweet sauce. In a sweet sauce. Yeah, well, like, sort of, you know, like a barbecue-y type sauce, I think. So it's like, but the key for the twizzle is the spring formation.

Of course, of course. It wouldn't be called that otherwise. No, exactly. Yeah. It's like corkscrew, a corkscrew or a pig's penis. Yeah. Okay. I know what a corkscrew is.

Yeah. Okay. I didn't need reference for that, corkscrew. Oh, like pig's penis. I just thought that would give you some more inspiration for poor keff scratching. Yeah. With a little corkscrew dick. What if he has a penis shape like a bottle opener?

Oh, yeah. That's what sets him apart. Yeah. That'd be a good visual gank in the first episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the other pigs were opening bottles of wine. Yeah. And then he's cracking open a beer with his.

Yeah. Well, maybe no one wants to talk to him because he's always scratching his ex-ma. Yeah. And then the end is he got. goes to the party and everyone's like, how can I open my beer? And then he pulls his trousers down. Yeah. And do you think he

comes every time? Yeah. Every time a bottle is open? That's the great tragedy. Yeah, every single time. That's the great tragedy. He's like, hey, Paul gets scratches, we've got a six bag of beer here. We've got to open him, whip it out.

He's like, oh, six? Oh, gosh, I don't know. Have you guys got about four hours? I feel like this is a character you could play. That was not bad. That was good. Yeah. Him, like, the dreads setting in. Yeah. Like the face and everything. But of course he's going to do it because he wants to be popular. He was popular. Yeah. Yeah. You guys invited all these bachelor parties.

But if I'm playing now, I'm going to have... Stag dudes, excuse me. Thank you. You were a bachelor. I was. I was. Went to many a party, I'll imagine. Of course. Yeah. We used to have bachelor parties all the time. Yeah, yeah. Nobody needed to get married. No, constantly.

No. Any party's a bachelor party when you're a partying bachelor. No married men allowed. Who's the worst married man you know? Is the devil married? Good question, actually. To his job. He's married to his work. Yeah. He does work a lot. He's always on the job.

Always looking out for idle hands. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Tempting people. Yeah. He can't hold a relationship, Dan. He's dumb when you think about it. Yeah. Yeah.

What is it? You waste his time going around trying to get little kids to lie or steal a candy bar or something? Yeah. What? You're the Prince of Darkness. But it's wild.

Like his day must be so varied because it's like, make a kid steal a candy bar or make someone like... Commit murder. Commit murder. Yeah. Yeah.

And does he just flip between the two things? Well, it's also, you know, making people cheat on their spouses, you know, things like that, look at pornography. Yeah. Yeah. Think about pornography. Think about pornography.

Yeah. Sometimes it gets them with that. And yet we still persist. It's attributable to us, really. Glutenese. He's still doing that? Does he do that or is that just something that we do? No, but that's a sin, right?

It is a sin. He's sticking to the seven deadly sins. But I don't know if he really, if for some reason it doesn't seem to me that he is like whispering in someone's ear, eat more of that. Yeah. I feel like that one's on us Yeah That was firmly on us

Oh, this fucking devil's making me Yeah Is he really? It was the devil That's when little Christian kids It was so Christian Just like try and get out of trouble But I said it was the devil

That made me laugh Yeah Love it Love it The devil made me do it I love it Yeah I was very scared

To the devil when I was a kid I was Catholic I was scared Terrifying And to this day Horror movies I can watch any horror movie but if it has a devil element,

it will be 10 times scary for you. Even though I don't believe it. That's just in there. My parents now don't, they're still Christian, but they don't believe in hell. And I think maybe it's because

my mom listens to this podcast, she'll have to verify it with me. But I think I had so many questions about hell as a kid that at some point you went, yeah, this doesn't make sense. Yeah. It really doesn't.

I don't believe in that, but anymore. You got me. Your questions are insane. At least Catholics have purgatory. where you go to hell for a little, it's a little mini hell. Yeah, yeah. But you can get out of it.

It's like the admin area, isn't it? Yeah. It's like the processing plant. When I was a kid, I used to think it was more like a sort of waiting room kind of thing. Yeah, that's why I thought it was. But it's not. Is it not?

No, you atone for your sins. Oh, I thought it was like a blank room. Nope. That's what I always thought. Oh. Limbo is where the unbaptized babies would go. But limbo sounds so fun. It does fun.

It does sound. It does sound fun. But the dry babies. The problem is for people who are not baptized. All the unbaptized babies. So, look. But they can't walk. So they can't, if you can't walk, you can't limbo.

You can slide under the limbo pretty easily. By accident. I don't think they intentionally are going under the... Well, who's doing that? Just the devil bowling babies under the limbo. Just slide in a... He shouldn't be allowed in there. It's like curled with the boom.

They only recently, like, within... It was Pope Francis said, we're not doing limbo anymore. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, all the other people are going to shut it down. Yeah. Yeah. It was like an oversight. Like, oh, shit.

Yeah. I forgot about this. Yeah, that's not a thing. Did he say it's not a thing? Or was he like, we've closed that for now? No, he said it's not, there is no limbo. There's never been a limbo. Of course, of course a baby, even unbaptized, would go straight to heaven if there's a heaven.

Yeah. Why would you make a baby hang out? It's not the baby's fault. But I just like the idea the Pope was like there was one. Yeah. I've had a word and we've shut it down now. Yes. We have ceased operations.

Yeah. The babies are going straight to heaven. Yes. I feel at that point the Pope may as well just say this is all made up. I think at that point you've got to just go. Probably another 500 years we'll get there. Yeah. We'll dismantle these things one by one.

Yeah. 500 years from now, there's no hell. God wouldn't do that. Yeah. When another five, probably another thousand years to say there's no heaven. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It'll be bit by bit. But they would still keep the church going. Yeah, for fun. For the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What a badass pope that's going to be. Oh, yeah. He was like, this is all made up. And you know what? This hat is dumb. Your main cause isn't ended there, by the way.

You got the pork roll. You got the peni pasta with all the stuff. But obviously it's Christmas dinner as well. So you're getting bucks fizz, turkey with all the trimmings. And then you are playing the pineapple game and you are getting some afterates. So. What's the pineapple game? Yeah.

After rates, of course, I know. Yeah. I thought always be your first question. This is a tradition in Alex's house. Oh, only in his house. It's a genuine thing, and he sent me a photo of it on Christmas Day to prove that it is real, where his family get a pineapple, and they all look at the pineapple, and they have to all guess how many leaves are on the pineapple.

And then Alex's father, I believe, plucks all the leaves off one by one, and they count how many leaves on it, and whoever got it closest wins the pineapple game. As far as I'm aware, there's no prize. Just a bald pineapple, I guess. There's just the bold pineapple at the end, and whoever. So you're going to play that with. Who would you like to play the pineapple game with? Yeah.

And it doesn't have to be your family. Obviously, Martin Luther King, Jr. Paul Shear. Jesus Christ. Leonardo da Vinci. William Shakespeare. Paul Shear. Who?

Paul Shear. Sure, throw it there. He was the next name coming anyway, right? In that list to people. In that list? Yeah, yeah. No, I always list them in order. Yeah. Same order every time.

My's a Luther King, Jr. Gandhi. Mary Magdalene. How could this game possibly have started? How boring is this family? Where they're sitting around, I picture them sitting around in silence. Some neighbor has given them a pineapple. They've never seen one before in their lives.

It's the most exotic thing they can imagine. It's sitting on the table. Somebody says, breaks the crushing silence by saying, boy, a lot of leaves. How many leaves would you imagine would be on a pineapple? Come on. But I think it's more than you think. Ten. It's way more than that, I think.

It's way more than that? Yeah. Yeah, he sent me a thing. I sent my guests back. And whatever it was, this was my Christmas. And whatever the answer was, I couldn't believe it. It was so many leaves. If you think it's a sad Christmas playing the pineapple game,

imagine spending your Christmas playing the pineapple game by text message. Remotly. I hate to say this, but I am sort of intrigued by it. Yeah, there you go. Now I'm thinking about it. Yeah. And also Alex is obviously obsessed with pineapples anyway. They feature in Taskmaster a lot. They're very much a sort of recurring motif.

It's very true. Within the Taskmaster's Cinematic Universe. It's also a symbol in the Swingers community. It is, yeah. Is it a pineapple or an upside down pineapple? I believe it's an upside down pineapple. Yes. Because it's 69 in?

It means come on in. Yeah. Oh, okay. Not because it's 69 in there. Regular pineapple, just letting you know. Yeah. Oh, there is a price. There's some stuff going on in here, but not for you.

Sorry, there is a price of the pineapple game. Everyone puts in 20p. But now everyone puts in a pound. I should hope so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's adorable. It's kind of adorable. Used to be 20p.

Yeah. I just think, I don't know who looks at a pineapple and goes, I'm going to go in that room if there's an upside down point. Because it happens on cruise ships a lot, right? Oh, you know who does it? Creeps. Yeah. Oh, right.

Yeah. Thank you. Horny creeps. I thought you were going to name someone, then. Is there any other kind? You could be horny, you can be a creep. If you're a creep, you're always horny. But not all horny people are creeps.

Not all horny people are creeps. You're right, I can't imagine someone who's creepy and then being like, I'm not turned on right now. I'm not horny. I'm not interested in you sexually. I would actually say, if there was an orgy going on, and there was someone in the middle of the room just hanging out and they're not horny,

they are the creep to me. Oh, I'll say that, who's that creep? Just standing there eating a pancake or whatever. I would, well, eating a pancake, yes, that's a creep. Yeah. Eating a pancake while everybody's having an orgy? Knife and fork or just in the hand. Is it with the hand?

At the packet pancakes. Yeah. watching, I wouldn't call that a creep. I'd say that's creep. I'd say it's more weird. It's definitely strange. Yes. But if you're not watching the orgy while you're eating the panache.

I don't think you're a creep. I don't think you're a creep. Yeah, I think you're mad. You're more perplexing. Like, why are you here? Accentric. One of the guys having the orgy can shout, hey, don't you hate it when you go to a pancake restaurant

and we'll build an orgy around you? That'd be good. That looks like a heckle put down. Yeah, yeah. I'd be a little annoyed if I was in that orgy and that guy took the time to heckle the pancake guy. You've got to mention the pancake guy.

I'm like, hey, man, we're doing something here. Be present. Yeah. Be present. I just think I wouldn't want to kind of like, if I went to an orgy, like I wouldn't want to see anyone that I knew. Oh, no, absolutely. That's why you wear the masks.

Yeah. Oh, you got to wear the masks. Fidelio. I think that having somebody stand there watching makes me think of a sort of lifeguard, which I think would not be a bad idea. On a high chair. Yeah. Just making sure everybody's okay.

Because you know people are going to try shit that they've never done before. They're going to get acrobatic and it's going to end badly. Because they're all middle-aged. They are not hot young people. They are all people you don't want to see in an orgy. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's back has gone by the end of that thing. I love that, an orgy lifeguard.

Yeah. Fantastic. Who would you least like to see it in orgy if you're there? Is it the same list? Besides you? Besides me? Is it the same list as the pineapple game? Yes.

Leonardo da Vinci. Jesus the Christ. Mahatma Gandhi. Mother Teresa. Paul Shear. Paul Shear. Now get this. This is why I was smiling earlier.

Get this. Side dish. A couple of nice and spicy communion wafers. Wow, we. You called it. Called it earlier. I've never been more disappointed to be Amazing, though, right?

You predicted communion wafer. Do you think it's because we both have gaps in our teeth that we are somehow connected, technically? Maybe. I don't know Alex's sort of religious upbringing, whether he had a Catholic upbringing as well. I don't think he did, because he had to ask a lot about what communion wafer's were

before putting on his name. Well, then that's very disrespectful. Yeah. If I joke about it, it's one thing. Yeah. Did you like a communion wafer growing up? It was terrible. Yeah.

It was so bad. And it was the whole thing surrounding it. What was great about Communion was it was a break and it was something new to do instead of just sitting there and listening. Or kneeling, sitting back down, standing up, whatever. Community you get up, you get in a line and all that. And there's a ceremony. I loved the ceremony of Catholicism. That I really loved.

All the robes and everything loved all of that. The swinging guy. Oh! Are you kidding? kidding me. When they break out the incense, when they do the holy water, all of that. The smell is great. The smell is great.

Yeah, yeah. I chase that smell in everything. Yeah. In like, cologne, soap, whatever. I'm always trying to find that smell. There's canned. I think you can get a can't. Yes, and I have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And let me tell you, it's very funny to get on a list of the mailing list of a Catholic goods store. The things you're very excited about all the feast days and stuff like that. All you want is the smell. Yeah. It's St. Thomas Aquinas Day. You know what that means.

Savings. I grew up around the time when they were making the transition of you could either have it fed to you in your mouth or you could have a place in your hand and then you could put it in yourself. So I'd mix it up. I'd do one one week, one the other. But the host itself tasted, it was so bad. And purposely, it's supposed to be bland. It's unleavened bread.

It's supposed to be a guy's body. They don't want to get you into it. eating human flesh, right? That's true. So imagine if it was delicious. Yeah. Next thing you know. I bet that guy's taste good too.

It would get stuck to the roof of your mouth was really terrible. Yeah. Because of whatever it's, you know, it's very thin. And so it gets stuck there and that's, and you weren't supposed to touch it. You're not supposed to touch it? No, because it's holy. Yeah. So you can't like get in there and scrape it off.

Are you not touching something that's in your mouth? Huh? I'd say if something's in your mouth, you're touching it. I guess it's touching you. I don't think of my mouth as something that touches things. Yeah. If I said to someone touch me and they touch me with the roof of their mouth, I wouldn't be happy about that.

Yeah. Hold my hand. But I think it's the same. To me, it's the same difference. Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean you're right. Touching something. If you're touching something and that's disrespectful.

It's an amazing argument. To me, it's the same difference. To me, it's the same. But you're not understanding. I think this. Yeah. Here's what you don't get. So listen, I think this.

I know that you pushed back against this earlier, but to be clear, this is what Ed thinks. But is it because it's holy, so you can't touch it with your hands? Yes, that was the idea. So why is it, so why, if it's in your mouth, is that any more respectful than touching it with your hands? Because that's the intended purpose. That's a good point, that.

Yeah. That wasn't your idea. That was their idea. I think honestly, I do see what I've done there. It's probably when I think about it, It's probably they didn't want to see kids, you know, doing that. Just terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I imagine that when you had the, you know, the weeks where you thought, I'd like it put in my mouth, it would be very tempting for the priest. Priests, did they call it? When you've got a gap in the front teeth, I would want to put that wafer in, like a slot machine, like a coin. Not something that thin because it would feel you would be afraid that. it would like sort of feel like it was cutting you, the roof of your mouth. But if I was the priest, I'd be like, I want to... Oh, if you were the priest!

Yeah, if you were like, put it in my mouth, I would be so temp because you'd go in down the line. Yeah. Boring, boring, boring. Then the kid with a gap is there. Yeah. I would really want to just put it through. Yeah. And then pull your arm.

Fertically. Yeah. Then pull you up. Yeah. Your eyes roll around. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. And then they'll fall on the floor.

And it's like, no! That's what I'd want to do. Sure. Priests are so fun. They're fun. They're fun, guys. They're whimsical. That's what I like about them.

Okay. Oh. You wanted a pint of cold Amstil when you had your drink? I had one last night. Did you? Yeah. How was it? It was a dream.

It was a dream. Yeah. I also had a Camden Hills, which I like because they put it in its little Erlenmeyer flask. Yeah. I love that they all have to brand. The glass is crazy. The glass is so funny to me. The Camden Hell's crazy.

glass is crazy. I love it. At first, I thought, it's the one I wanted like the regular pint shaving. And then I had another one and I was like, I like this actually. But it's too wide. It's so wide. It's like drinking out of like a cat bowl. A cat bowl. Just be clear, Ed thinks this. To Ed, this is true. To you, it's like that. Yeah. What you have to understand is to me. And it is and I think that. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it. I was against it at first, but I came around. Alex made this up on the spot, but he has since drunk this. He has had this since.

Okay. But he made it up on the podcast. Moul's marine juice with bread sauce and a glug of baileys, all mixed together. All mixed together. What's the first ingredient? Moul's marinae. Marignet. You know when you have muscles, and it is like white wine, garlic and a little bit of cream or butter or something.

He wants that, the juice from the bottom of a bowl of muscles, mixed together with, bread sauce and... Bread sauce? Yeah. What's bread sauce? We would have a roast dinner and it's like milk and then you put stale bread in it and some like cloves maybe and like cook it all right down and say it's like this lumpy bread sauce.

I've never seen Paul look so sad. I'm going to get a still of this camera because I've never seen Paul look like this. This is a different man. You look a different man. So even the bread sauce. I should be happy. Yeah. Even the bread sauce is upsetting.

as a thing. Well, no, I mean, I'm intrigued by the bread sauce. But certainly not these things together. No, it's crazy. And not to drink. You don't drink a bread sauce, right? Well, when you mix it with the more mariner juice. But I'm not going to.

Oh, so when we put the side of you're not going to. Well, let's be in the real world for one second. Yeah, yeah, sure. So the bread sauce is sort of, you put it on top of things, right? Yeah, you would have it at the side of a roast dinner or something and you'd like... Dip stuff in? Yeah, you might have that and then maybe like some cranberry sauce and like, yeah. It's not something you eat on its own.

No, no, no, no. Yeah. And certainly you don't drink it. No. No, no. No, no one in their vibe, man. Yeah. Okay.

But Alex wants that with Bailey's, you found of Baileys? I have not tasted Bellies in a very long time. In a very, very long time. Well, I'd say it probably tastes the same as the last time you tasted. I would imagine. Not in this context. No, not in this context. No, it tastes like bread sauce and more marineriagees.

Do I want to have the Baileys ever again? Good question. Good question. Do you want to know what I? Yeah, once's the last time you've had one? It's probably been a few years since I've had a Bailey's. I mean, it's not a drink, really, is it? It's like a dessert.

Yeah. It's cream. We talked about how much you like cream. Yeah. It's cream. Maybe nice for after a meal. It is cream. It feels very Christmassy to me.

Yeah. Very cozy, you know? Yeah. Like a snowy. It feels more like a home drink than a drink you would have out at a bar or a pub. Yeah. I know if you're having it at a pub, it's like night's over. Go home.

Yeah, just go home. Go home. Yeah, go home. Yeah. And he had this in what a tankard. Puta tankard. He wanted it in a pewter tankard. And that's what he got.

That's what, well... So he made this happen. Well, I made it happen, really. Aw. So this is a few years ago. Mm-hmm. I had a pewter tanker engraved for Alex, sent it to Alex.

And I'm not joking. It cost me 50 pounds to have that done. Sure. Not joking. And he's not joking about this. This is not funny. They made him the drink. Mm-hmm.

Who made him the drink? Andy Devonshire from Taskmaster. Okay. A de Vector. and then filmed it and then said, I'll get you the video and he's never sent me the video.

Do you think it's that horrific that he's, it was like a grizzly man situation? He's like, no one must ever see this. The camera falls down. Then you just see the mug falls down. You must never listen to this. The wildest thing about that scene to me is the woman sitting there watching him listen to it

with this sort of expected look like, is it good? It's like, no. What does it sound like? It's not good. Someone getting eaten by a bear? Maybe. This is the very last thing.

Just like, give me a ballpark idea of, should I listen to this or not? I'm on the fence about it. I appreciate you offering to listen to it in advance. Isn't it yes? Oh, so no. Okay. I must never listen to it. Why?

There's a lot of slander because people have now transmuted that into here. He makes her listen to it. I've heard several people say this. That's not what happened. He tells her never to do it. Yes. Yeah. She makes him listen to it.

Yeah. My favorite bit of Grizzly Man is when Timothy Treadwell goes nuts about the park service and really dunks on how much he hates the park service. Those fascists. Herzog talks over it. He mutes it and says, here, Shredwell crosses a line that we will not. and he's talking about how it's too much to talk about. He thinks what he says about the park service is too bad.

And so he won't cross that line himself. But he's still got the footage going on as he talks over it. And it's Treadwell, like, raised middle fingers in the air. He does a wanking sign at one point on his actual dick. Like, he mimes wanking himself off and then, like, throwing the cum at the camera. He's got all of that stuff. You will never find out what he said about the park's office. Yeah, we will never say this.

is so disrespectful visually anyway. We don't know if he changed if he changed topics. Yeah, he could have talked about some of the stuff. Or he might have just had a thing where all of his gestures never match up to the sentiment of what he's saying. Yeah. He's being like, I love the park service man. Number one. They make me feel good.

I don't know if he does throw it at the camera. He definitely, like, choreography. They make me feel good. That's a gif? No! I hope you're happy. Don't, don't you dare. That gift's going to do the way.

Don't you dare. They make me feel good with you doing that. What do you think that clap does? Yeah. It creates a waveform. And also a visual marker of something that can be cut out. That's what I think it does. And it's...

What do you think it doesn't do, James? What do I think it doesn't do? Yeah. I remember what you think is very important. Yeah, I think it doesn't undo what just happened. Yeah, I think. Benito, am I right? Ben Toboxo.

It's also a good marker. Ben will be able to find out the exact moment you did that, and then we can clip it up straight away. Makes you feel good. Before you're back at your hotel today. You have to do his too, though. You have to do Eds as well. Yeah, and that just be me.

See which one is the most popular online. People are so used... Oh, the great giff off. People are so used to be doing this sort of stuff. really? Yeah, for you, I think it's... Look inside. You don't look like the sort of guy who do that,

so that would be a way better gift. Yeah. You know what? Good point. How much of that drink, a balancing to drink? If you had to drink, drink it,

how much of it do you think you would manage? Zero. Zero. I mean, I honestly can't, I can't see... The first ingredient is enough to make me sick.

I don't think I could I think even the smell of it Have you ever like a medicine or something That you had to take And even just bringing it up to your lips You're like oh no How am I gonna get it inside Yeah yeah

It's this bad right now I think I could I could easily see myself getting sick Yeah It sounds so fucking disgusting That is Worst medicine you've ever had What was it for

What was your aim what was wrong with you? Well I had a colonoscopy recently and the preparation that you have to do is you have to drink this horrible, horrible stuff truly the worst thing

I've ever tasted in my life and you have to drink a lot of it many times. Is it to diarrhea? Yeah, to flush you out. Flushing everything out? That's not the worst part. The worst part is drinking

this stuff. The other is like the rest of it is heaven compared to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They make you drink diarrhea before your colonoscopy? Is that what you just said? No. I absolutely didn't say that.

I'm happy to say that Paul did not say that. Thank you. Yeah. Paul did not say they made me drink diarrhea before my colonoscopy. Oh.

Okay, you need to be clearer when you're like saying stuff. It gives you diarrhea. Yeah. Correct? Yeah. Yeah. But just because it gives you diarrhea

doesn't mean it was diarrhea when it went in his mouth. Yeah. Okay. You just need to be clear of it when you... If you eat an egg, it doesn't give you an egg.

And that's iron clad. That's ironclad. Not even a chicken. If you give a chicken an egg, it does not give the chicken an egg. Not even those guys. No, if the chicken has an egg after eating egg, that's a coincidence. And they have to say that to their friends. This is a coincidence.

I once saw pigeons in a gutter eating fried chicken, and it really made me sad. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah. Whenever, yeah, that is so bad. But they're not the same guys, right? They're close. They're close. Sure, they're cut.

Come on. Dessert, you wanted a New York cheesecake. Yes, I did. And so did Alex. That's not true. He wanted a Mars bar. He wanted a Mars bar. Just a Mars bar.

To eat with a knife and fork? I guess so, maybe. But that's it. Just a Mars bar. Just a Mars bar. No weird add-ons. No weird add-ons. No fish paste on top of that.

No. I think it's the only thing that he's actually, you know, properly eaten on the whole menu. and had as a thing on its own, because that is more reflective of his life that he would grab a Mars bar on the way to work or something. That's more his thing.

How do you feel about the Mars bar within the world of confectionery? The Mars bar, I think, is the equivalent of our Milky Way bar. Yes, that's true. And was always a childhood favorite of mine. Yeah. The number one for me is Reese's peanut butter cups.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely number one with a bullet. Yeah. But Milky Way, delicious. What do you think about it's menu? I'm not a fan. I think, you know, obviously

he's trying to have some fun. He's being a little devil. And, you know, I get it. It's comedy. We're having a good time. But he, of course, never dreamed that this was going to come back to haunt someone else and an instant stranger.

Has it affected your opinion of Alex Horn, the man? and is wide a body of work? That's an interesting question. And first of all, let me say, it's wonderful to be here today, and I thank you for inviting me. When we consider the effect this could potentially have,

on my view of Alex Horn the person and what he does professionally, I think as a person, it keeps him, to me, unknowable. He's hiding behind these joke ingredients. And maybe it's because he really doesn't have specific tastes. And he's happy to just eat whatever's put in front of him. And so he decides, I guess I should have some fun because I could be embarrassed if I say, I don't know.

What do I want at Christmas? Christmas dinner. The same as everybody else, you know. How it affects my opinion of his work, it doesn't. I appreciate his work. And this to me is in. indicative of the way that he likes to work. He likes to be silly. He likes to be a little...

I have to say it a third time. A little devil. So it's in keeping with his character that he presents to the world. Behind closed doors? Who can say? Yeah. Who can say?

No one nice to real, Alex. Maybe not even his wife and children. They definitely don't. Yeah. You're scared of the devil, though. I am scared of the devil. So how do you feel? If he's real.

Yeah. If he's not, I'm not. I think that makes sense. Yeah. If it turns out the devil is real, I will be scared of him. Yes. For sure. Yeah.

I love the devil. Say more about that. I love heavy metal. Yeah. I love devil iconography. The devil himself, I love. Okay. This is the part of what you say more about.

Okay. But I love the music. Yes. And I like pictures. Stop going through those things again. I like pictures of the devil. You're just saying... I like the artwork.

What Paul is... And I love the devil and who he is, and this person. Okay. It's a person. Yeah. And what is it about him that you love so much? And you can't talk about visual images. You can't talk about things connected to...

You can't talk about music. Okay. Or things associated with him. You have to talk about him and himself. The devil, his deeds, his empty promises. Well, aren't all promises empty? No. Oh.

I like that he's cheeky. He does some bad stuff, sure. Sure. Such as? But he's charming. Is he charming? Oh, come on. He is charming.

He is charming. He is charming. That's how he gets people to do all the bad stuff. Isn't the whole thing when the devil comes back? He's going to be like a cool guy. The double point. He goes from this to this. I just like him.

I think he's slick. You know what I think he's slick. That is likable. Yeah, yeah. When somebody's slick, I do like that. Yeah. I feel like he'd wink at you and you'd be like, oh, you. Oh, he'd probably wink at you.

all the time. Yeah, that's true. He double wink. So what a wonderful menu. You seem to really like it and really enjoyed eating it. So another success. Another success for the boys. Another success for the boys. James in it. Sorry, you got a new tattoo there? Not there, don't worry, you're right. Okay, thank God.

Ed's got a few new tats. And if I smacked him then, I immediately was like, oh, no. I saw it yesterday, and he told me that he had some fresh tats, and I asked what he got, and he did not seem to know. No, he doesn't know. A lot of eyes. such a lot of eyes

big mouth he got the eyeball from the substance whatever's going on there and a hand holding some eyeballs teeth

it's hand it's got eyes and teeth it's sort of like a big hand oh and a little stairway and a candle coming out yeah

there's a candle because you got to go in it's a crazy house you can imagine what's he's what's crazy is that in our group of friends

Ed is always like he'll make quite a quite a big deal of going like fucking hell once again, I'm the only normal one these fucking freaks. And then you look at his arms

and you're like, I think the writing is on the wall, my friend. I think you're holding a lot in. This is because I love the devil, though. Yeah, sorry, that normal thing that he loves. I think it's a mistake. To love the devil? Yeah, Ed, I think you're back in the wrong horse. Because he doesn't,

I don't think he rewards people very well. Yeah. I think he does if you're on his side. He leads you to, he leads you to believe that. Prince of lies. You're not enough on his side, Eddie. Just get the tattoos. But I think a lot of people who call him the Prince of Lies

are lying themselves. You see? It's a smear campaign against the devil. We've got to have this up. The devil rewards you. The devil. Paul, thank you so much for coming back to the dream restaurant. Thanks, guys.

Thank you, Paul. Nice man. Very nice. Nice man. There we are. What a delight to see Paul. Oh, Paul. Thank you so much for swinging by and chatting to us. Yeah. It was lovely. Sometimes when people come over from America, I'd love to be like, hey, let me just take you out on the town. We'll go for a meal, but I'm too shy to do that, so we have to record a podcast with them.

Yeah, yeah. And it's the only language me and Paul understand. It is. Yeah. That and love. That and love. One of the nicest voices One of my favourite voices in comedy Like literal voices

Love listening to Paul's voice So what a treat for you And his comic voice And his comic voice is unique Top of the tree Top of the tree We love Paul F Tompkins And we hope that he liked

Oh I don't think he did like Alex Horne's menu disgusting No no no Listen to Spontaneation And listen to Threatom And all the other brilliant work That Paul does And go on Edgambour.combe

com.com, why not? Yeah, see what's on there I give you a clue it's at all. Yeah, fresh help. Yeah. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Goodbye.