Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Phil Ellis

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

The Dream Restaurant’s open for business once more, and our first diner for series 16 is ‘Taskmaster’ star and Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee Phil Ellis. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts you can now watch this episode too. And what an episode to watch. Phil Ellis is currently on a nationwide stand-up tour with Bath Mat, including an extra London show at Wilton’s Music Hall on 10th October. He will also be taking the show to Monkey Barrel 1 as part of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from 3rd - 30th August at 1.55pm. For more info and tickets visit philelliscomedy.com Listen to Phil’s podcast ‘Early Worms’  Follow Phil on Instagram @philelliscomedy Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, injecting the cheese of conversation into the sausage of humor, wrapping it in the bacon of the internet, deep-frying it in the oil of love, and putting it in the bun of podcast. Sort of like a deep-fried bacon-wrapped cheese sausage bun, James. Does that sound nice? That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acastle. Together we own a dream restaurant every single week.

We inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start a make-all-s dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Phil Ellis. We love Phil Ellis, a wonderful comedian, an agent of chaos, star of Taskmaster, also star of his new tour show, Bath Matt. Bath Matt, go and see it, go and get tickets, go and laugh at Phil Ellis live. Yeah, he's so funny and he's so lovely. I can't wait to chat to him. But of course, we will kick him out because there's a secret ingredient that we've already agreed upon.

Again, this will be a very funny part of the time. We've agreed upon it. We've agreed upon it. Not Phil. Not Phil. Phil's got no idea. No, Phil's got no idea. He would be a great person to kick out.

It would be absolutely great to kick out. It'll be gutted, but he'll also love it. And this week, the secret ingredient is lemsip. Lemsip is the secret ingredient. It's actually suggested by a previous guest, Ed, Rod Gilbert. Rod Gilbert, Welsh comedian. In a live episode, suggested that we should choose Lemtip. And he's right, it's gross.

It's nice. I like it. Look forward to being ill. Crazy. Absolutely crazy. But, well, let's hope that Phil Ellis doesn't share those sentences. because otherwise he might choose lemon sip and we'll have to kick him out. So, yeah.

That would be a shame if Rod basically got Phil kicked out at the Dream Restaurant. I had extra lemons to it. Would you believe it? It's the first episode of series 16. I don't believe it. No, James doesn't believe it. You can't believe you're still here. Oh, my God.

I'm on tour, edgambled.com.com.com. For tickets, fresh hell. Yeah, go and go see that show. This is the off-menu menu of Phil Ellis. Welcome, Phil, to the Dream Restaurant. Yay. Thanks for having me. Welcome, Phil out of this, to the Dream Restaurant,

but it's been to you for some time. Yeah. Well, it's nice to finally make it down to the front of the queue. Yes, you're at the front of the queue. Yeah. Skip the queue because you've been on Taskmaster, so that's straight in. That's the golden ticket.

I've pushed some really hungry people out the way. It's like, people go down the queue and they're like, anyone on their own? Is anyone on their own? Yeah. You'll put you on the counter. Yeah, I'm like, no one's about strictly two years ago, mate, out the way.

Season 20. You're saying you did Strictly two years ago? No, I'll just pretend I'm pushing someone out of the way. Who are you pushing out the way? I don't know if I didn't watch it. But I hope you're doing all right. Yeah, yeah. Would you do strictly?

I'd love. I'd do anything. I'd love to see you on Strictly. Yeah, it would be great. I think on ice would be better for me. No skates. Yeah, yeah. Just get me out there.

Bare foot? Barefoot, sliding around, trying to get a grip. Skinning the soles of your feet on the life. Yeah. I've never been. I once went ice skating with my dad and the way he taught us was he said just walk around the edge and hold on to that rail.

Yeah. Didn't build up from that. Weirdly, no, I never took it on after that. What's your dad like? Five foot seven. He looks like when Dick Van Dyke did diagnosis murder. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

He looked like that. Yeah. He was an orphan, still is an orphan. Yeah. Not wants to adopt him at 85. You can never go back, really, can you? Not really. He's an orphan.

Yeah, once you get into your 20s, that's you orphan for life. Yeah, permanent orphan. And, yeah, he's a good man, you know, military man. Yeah. But, yeah, he's still really fit, which is odd like, because he holds himself. I've realised, if you're old, the way you look younger is you do this. You change your posture. Yeah, yeah.

Just push your shoulders back. Yeah. Walk with purpose. That is good. Yeah. You don't, to me, and this is not an insult, but you don't seem like you're from a military family. Do you see the shiniest of those shoes? That's true.

Very shiny shoes, yeah. I don't know, if you just got rid of the burns, I can see you in the army. Yeah. If you're just listening to this, by the way, Phil is horribly burned. Yes. Yes, sorry. I know, I've been joking. I've been able to go and save those children.

Very cavalier about it when I bought it up. You weren't going back in? I could see, like, you know, like a World War One film. Oh, you know? Hell could be a good soldier in the year. But I'd die in the first sea, wouldn't I? I'd be the guy going, come on everyone, you wanna die? You wanna live forever?

You wanna die? You wanna die? You wanna die? You wanna die? Do you wanna die? Followed by, do you wanna live forever? You've got two. There are only two options.

I would not follow that man into battle. No way. It's going over the top. Come on everyone, you wanna die? And then convicted themselves to themselves don't want to live forever. You're dead immediately. I'm like, good job none of us followed him.

Because come on everyone you want to die. It's the last thing I want to hear with someone going home for themselves. Would you have... Get back in that kitchen, Ellis. Put that gun down. Would you have played football on Christmas Day in World War I? I reckon I'd be on the subs bench.

Yeah. I wrote a short of Philbonds, which was that. Which was just, it was like, you had to do a thing for Skylight like, Phil Ellis is Christmas. So I wrote a script. Yeah. Didn't get picked up. And it was just me on the subs bench, you're not getting picked for the entire football.

That's good. That's good. That's really good. And eventually the ball rolls out of play. Yeah. And I pop it and it restarts the wall. So I think this is good. Yeah.

That's probably why it didn't get commissioned. It was that one when you restart the war for a lot. Yeah. And you scream, you scream, do you want to die and then pop the ball? Yeah. Why do you want to die? Do you want to die?

Do you want to die? Dush, dush. Um, you mentioned being a cook there. in the kitchen. Do you like food? Do you cook yourself? I'd never cut myself. Always working. Oh, yeah, good. Yeah, yeah. I am actually cooking in this stupid leather jacket.

You've got to keep it on now. Actually, we do, no, you used to post pictures of your dinners online. Oh, yeah. They were beige. They were exclusive to beige. You only ate beige food, right? Yeah, it's quite grim, actually. Well, yeah, I realized. I did it for a bit of a laugh after.

But after a while, it made me sad. Because, yeah, so I like the best meal, I think, I've prepared. was plain spaghetti and a pork chop. And I didn't realize how bleak. Oh, and boiled carrots just sliced. Well, that's a bit of colour at least. Well, yeah, but it's still really great. It doesn't pop amongst the page.

Amongst the beige boy. I can't imagine that tasted good, Phil. No, no, it didn't. But, you know, I was probably drunk. Yeah. So this is, you get drunk and you make beige food. This is the cooking show. I think I've just quite bought.

Well, growing up, I didn't like sauces at all. I mean, it's not changed since, sadly. And my mum, I think because my mum and dad had quite a hard up brigand. They didn't want to push anything on me. So when I went, I don't like that, they'd go, that's all right, then but a cup. You sit there with that piece of bread. Yeah.

You're our special little soldier. Do you want to die? So you don't really cook now? No, I do, but again, it's still beige. Is it still beige? Yeah, well, I roasted a chicken yesterday. Bage? Yeah, beige.

Yeah, Bage. Put a potato next to it. Yeah, beige. Yeah, it was a slightly overcooked, so even more beige. And on the side, a Bage stone. Nice little bit of grit. A bays stone. What did I have with it? Bread sauce?

No, I made cheese sauce. Uh-huh. Yeah. So you know, you're saying you don't like sauces, but there's this cheese sauce. Oh, yeah, but I don't count as it. It's just runny sauce. cheese. Okay.

It's just melted cheese, really, cheese sauce. Was that on the potato? Oh no, I kept it away. So do you not

like things touching each other? No, yeah. So I went for one of those roast dinners, you know, doing the Yorkshire pudding.

Yeah. But they'd use the base layer. It was like a sweet carrot, like carrot cooked in honey. Right. Like carrot and turn it, but they'd smothered

the entire Yorkshire pudding and then put the roast dinner on top so I had to just leave the roast pudding. The yorkshire pudding. It would eat. It touched all the other things. It touched everything else. Yeah.

So I just spent the whole dinner just scraping carrot off every item. It's horrible. You have to get your knacking out to clean a pig in blanket before you eat it. It's not a good dinner, is it? So you're like a fussy eater, would you say, or just specific? Yeah. And I think I need to be pushed into something. If I was trying to impress someone, say it looked like a big Hollywood producer,

and then I like, hey, I want to come, have some grits. I don't know what a grits. Do you want to come out of dinner? How do you want to come have some grit? Is that a male? Like all the big Hollywood producers. Your characters, Matt. He's got a 10-year-old.

Phil, we want to sign you up. Beverly Hills Cup 12. Do you want some grits? The only test, you don't need to audition. All we want to know. How you answer this question will be very important for your future in Hollywood. Do you want some grits?

A little bit of sauce on that? My wife's homemade sauce. Oh, wow. Wait to Papa Lazzery there. The bastard. Feared into papalazzar. So unspecific as well, just my wife's homemade sauce. Yeah. Yeah.

So if that, the Hollywood producer said, you want some grits with my wife's homemade sauce. I'd be like, Mm, God, these grits? And the sauce really complements the grits. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Would you be able to eat, eat them and keep a straight faith?

I think so. I don't know. I had, have you ever had a meal prepare for you that's so bad, but you don't want to be rude? Yeah. The worst, I can't tell this, I think I mentioned it once and he got really upset. All right, I'll change his name.

He's called Graham. Graham. And he'd made me and he's a really lovely guy and he's a very good friend of mine. Yeah. Because I've got a feeling he'll watch this because he watches, he does tend to watch podcasts. And I respect you very much. Anyway, maybe the worst breakfast ever once at his house. And everything was raw.

And it was like, and he'd be there. He put a raw sausage in the thing. And then he'd be like, oh, and he'd be swinging it around. And I go, all right. So maybe we want to cut that a bit more. But I, no, they don't really need to be cooked anyway. sausages. I'm like, they really do? Like, it's not a, that's not a thing, is it?

Sausages, you don't have to cook them all the way through. I'd say, sausages are one of the things you definitely need. Yeah, one of the main ones. Yeah, yeah. And the bacon, it was like you just sort of put the bacon in the pan and just sort of ran it out and then put it on the plate. It's like, it didn't stop moving. And I was, and I was just watching it.

I can't eat. I don't know what to do about this. And he's such a nice guy and he was like, going, don't you, or you sit down and enjoy yourself. I've got breakfast. And he's not washed it. And his raw fingers on the toast and the egg, the egg, again. just went near the pan, I think. Just sort of went, there's a pan. Do you want to go in that?

The egg went, no, do you know what? Just pop me straight on the plate, mate. So I sat there with his nightmare for me because I'm weird about the food being cooked properly. And then there were beans on it. I can't eat beans. And I don't know what the fuck to do. And then he just sort of sat on a chair,

but he'd angled it to look at me whilst I ate the breakfast as well. So I was going, well, but then he had to keep leaving the room to do stuff and I had my rucksack because I'd stayed at here. It's Phil. So I keep taking a bit. when he's not in the room and putting them in my

rucksack. Raw meat in your rucksack? Raw meat in my rucksack. Because I thought, well, look, I'm going to go into town in a minute on my own and I'll just go to the bin

at the bus stop and I'll put the whole rucks like that. I was thinking more like the Great Escape. Bomb disposal unit come to get rid of your rucksack as there's a raw breakfast in there.

There's not just dogs around. They're screaming, do you want to die as you putting on the sausage in your mouth? Do you want to die? But like, where were you putting it in the rucksack? Was there a little,

like pocket that you could put the whole breakfast in. There was a little side pocket. So you didn't contaminate the entire rucksack. Yeah. I wasn't putting it with my fresh socks. Yeah. In the main one. Yeah.

But I put it with this movie script. But that's very nice of you, Phil, to do that because you didn't want to upset him. Well, yeah. And then it kind of gone quite well because he kept going for a cigarette and then he was doing something else. So I was getting rid of the room. This guy. Who's this guy? He's like a character in it.

Like this is a video game. Yeah. And the challenge was to get it all in your rucksack. and just constantly leaving the room for no reason. I'm just going to do this. More than anyone would ever leave the room. Yeah, it's like Monkey Island or something. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly like Monkey Island. Your guy for a shriepe wreath. He's going in and out the room. I have to keep scaring a parrot. Yeah, yeah. More beans, more beans. Fuck it, I love Monkey Island. But I got rid of most of it.

I left like a little bit to make it look like I was like, oh, I'm so full. I can't possibly finish that raw egg. And again, I love you so much. you're a brilliant guy. And so I went, right, and then I thought, well, I can just walk there now. And then he went, and I had my car, I was leaving my car outside his house. And he went, hey, I'll give you a lift.

And I'm like, I can't get in his car because he's going to smell the breakfast. Can smell the rural breakfast. You can smell all the breakfast. You're going to be in your bag. Seal of this grease. So I had to go in my boot and go, I was going to get some out of my boot. And I had to empty this uncooked breakfast into the boot of my car. What?

Because I couldn't take it in his car. None of these choices are good. Why are you not using your car to drive to wherever you were going? Why don't you just drive? You couldn't park in whatever city centre this was. You couldn't park in that city centre. I love you keeping it vague, even though he definitely knows who you're talking about. I love you so much.

You're such a good person. And you've already said out on another podcast. He knows. And I put it all in the boot. And I managed to get it all out. But it was the middle of summer and I had to leave my car there for like three days. And I just remember. As he drove away, I was like, I was just left like,

I just got an uncut breakfast in the booth. I had to go back and dry. And it's absolutely fun. It's like an experiment to see what would happen to a dog if you left it in a hot car. Yeah, I left a window open for the sausage. Perfectly cooked breakfast. Yeah.

To perfection. Yeah. Just the most delicious breakfast you ever had. Played the long game. Well, I can't wait to see what Phil's picked on. I can't wait to hear it. We should talk about Phil's show first. We should, absolutely.

Your new tour, Bathmat, Phil. Yes. I'd say Bathmat, but I don't want to fall out. Thank you for having me on the show. Bathmat. If I went... Bathmat. If I went...

Me, if I went to your new show, Bathmat. That would be awful. No, you're right. Likewise, if I went, well, Bathmat, actually, Ed. Bathmart. No, you're right. I don't know why. I think I got nervous.

I'm trying to show off. I was trying to show off in front of my head. Mission accomplished. What I'm going to know my phone for? Yeah, Bathmat. Out of everyone, out of everyone who's been in this new camera setup that we've got here, you're the one who's held gaze directly down the camera. You're like, yeah.

It's like, it's like you have been captured and you're just like, just talking directly to the camera. Terrified. You just got your phone out for no reason. Come on, the ransom's only 12 quits. They get the sharpening things. Tell us about Bathmat, Phil. Well, Bathmat is my new tour.

Just look at it in the camera. Look at what you like, Phil. It's fine. Whatever you want to do, mate. It's horrible when someone holds like a mirror up to you and you go, what is wrong with me? Why do I have to do? That's why I hate those new doorbells.

You're ringing it. You're right. Are you in, Sandra? When you're straight down. When you're straight down the door. Still looking at the doorbell. Yeah, yeah, I like Keith. Can you send me this?

We transfer this clip to me. I'll put it online. Sorry, the Bathmat tour is my new tour. Did you? All over the UK. Where's the most like, you know, off the beaten track place that you go into? That is a good question.

But then does, am I, like, am I slagging off the town, if I say? I think they know they're off the beating track. They'll be appreciative that you're going there because not many tour shows go there. And I don't think it's an insult to say someone's off the beaten track. No.

No, you're right. Okay, okay, cool, cool. What about, is Colchester off the beating track? A little bit. I mean, I said what's the most off the beating track? That could be the most off the beaten track. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because a lot of those, I tried in my last tour, and I refused to go back to them. Yeah, sure. That's insulted.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, well, they're horrible people. Yeah, yeah. So if you're not going there, then they know that you should be a friend of me. Only if Phil's been there before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's not been there before, and it's not personal.

But if Phil has been to your city or town and he's not come back, it is for a reason. And that goes for us as well, by the way. Well, they know it goes for me. I tell them I'm never coming back here again on stage. Bridport know that, and that was last week. Name in shame.

I live for the text from James when he's on tour. Oh, really? About the places. Yeah. I love it. And do you blame the tag? All the people in the town. You just go, that entire town is now dead to me.

No, I just go, whatever was going on in that room. I'm never being a part of that again. Whatever happened. Forget it. You know, sometimes I know it's me. Yeah. So I don't, you know, that's not them. That was absolutely, you know, I was in a bad mood.

But sometimes I'm like, no, that was definitely, that was unwinnable. I'm never going back there again. Yeah, I did one tour. The last tour I did when I was dressed as a cat, I dressed as a cat. And it was funny in Edinburgh when you couldn't see me in this skin type cat suit. But when you're on tour and you're quite well lit with a stage, it was

rank, like, because it really hugged the body. And it was like the only show that people wanted a restricted view. Can I make me behind a pillar? Oh God. But like, and I went to this one town, I won't name it. But before the gig had a bit of time to kill so I thought, well, I'll go and get like a Pepsi or something from the shopping centre.

And I had to step over a peacock in the shopping centre and I was like, this is not going to go well. If I have to step over a peacock before a gig. How do you dress as a cat when you're snapping up?

No, not yet. Proudly. Peacock's shit in itself. You sure it was a peacock? It might have been another comedian doing a show in a different movie. Could have been. Could have been on their way

to do the arts center. Look at him stepping over his support act. Yeah, don't be peacocking out there. I'm the main act. Yeah. Yeah. Keep them feathers down.

Straight to the camera. I'm going to try to move it. I love it. I absolutely love it. Can't move it, Phil. Well, we always start with still a spark than water, Phil. Yeah, I love. Still water, please. Yeah, there's no way I thought you'd go spark.

No way. No way. Do you ever put like a little bet? You should have a little book, shouldn't you know? We should, you know, make it interesting for ourselves. Do a little sweepstake before every game. comes on. But you were dead, sir, still water. Still water. Tap. Yeah. Tap. Yeah. No, it would be tap.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You stand next to a bus stop. Yeah. You just stand next to a bus stop where there's like a puddle in the gutter and you just open your mouth when a bus comes along. Yeah. That's how you're doing. Do you want to die? And saying, I'm going to turn around. That was my favourite bit. But either, you got to chop that up and make a giff.

Phil going, that was a leaf? Straight into the camera. He's writing it down. He's writing it down. Make a gift of it. That should just be the episode. The shortest episode.

Are you anti-sparkling water? It just doesn't pop up in your life very often. Well, it's sometimes free in a room. Free in a room? Not only to say a room. These big rooms are, it's all free stuff. You're just walking.

It's not really terrified. in the corner. How did you get it? He stepped over a peacock and then you just get something from the room. All these free things in this house. Look, don't know, children, he'll be gone.

I don't know. I don't like it because it never quenches my thirst. I always think there should be something else going on in it. Like, there should be some sugary, you know, sort of, um, what did you used to put? What's it called?

Syrup. Ciro. Is that syrup? Squatia. No, but when you used to do... You're making them at home. Oh, yeah, yeah. Was it called syrup when you pour it in?

Yeah, yeah. I guess so, yeah. I think, you might write in. Yeah, that's what I do in pubs and stuff. We'll put an email at the bottom there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Phil's email at the bottom. But Phil's email at the bottom.

Yeah, great. So, yeah, I thought you wouldn't go for Sparkling because it's like la-di-da, and you're a very soul-of-the-earth guy. Oh, yeah. I'd be like, Sparkly and Martin. Yeah, yeah.

And you can put them belly shoes down as well, you know, son of mine. You'll get back in that call center like my dad before me and my granddad. You would be great. Yeah. Billy Elliot's dad. Yeah.

So what is he's Billy Elliot's dad? Trying to squash his dream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good dream squasher. Yeah, yeah. I would try.

No, I think I'd be very, my parents encourage me and look at that turned out. I'd probably be doing him in favor. If you were Billy Elliot's dad, what would you, like, if it was like your real, like, if you're not just playing it in a film that someone's offered you

if you eat some grits. But like, if this is like real, what are you doing, how you conducting yourself? First of all, I never wear a shirt. Just braces on bare skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boots, just in case the factory reopens. Yeah. Someone needs a bit of coal digging up. Always be carrying a shovel. Yeah. Not like a massive one, but just one that, you know, I can go, I can crack on for a bit,

but I'll have to go home and get my big one. I'm always ready for work and I'd probably be drunk all the time Yeah, yeah I think so I'd carry myself But I'd have a heart of gold And at the very end

When my son does do it And I see him ballet dancing on the wall Like I will go Would it go just that way Yeah Now get back to you or what did I say about ballet So yeah So in your version of it

He would not be allowed to do ballet at the end So still at the end of the film He's not allowed to do it No But then we'd cut forward 20 years later and he'd have like five kids and a wife and he'd go, do you know what, Dad? You were right. I'm so much happier.

Look at all my other ballet friends and they're all like outside and waiting for a bus to drive past a puddle. That's the version of Billy Elliot I want to see. Where he never does. He never does ballet. And the dad was right. Yeah, the dad was right.

I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I assume it comes all right. None of us have seen Billy Elliot. No. No, I just watch Lockstock and Two Smoking Bows on a Big. It seems like a big film that we should have watched. Yeah, but I think we get it.

Yeah, yeah. Not really earlier. Yeah, yeah, I get that. I've seen the bit when he's dancing down the street. Yeah, I get it from the trailer. Yeah. There's loads of films like that where you're like, I get it. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Yeah. I already agree. Huh? Vera Drake. I get it. I get it. I'm not even seen the trailer for that. The trailer.

I don't want to see the trailer, mate. No, Blake. Pop love's off then. bread, Phil Ellis. Pop-en-Obs or bread. I need to blow my note. Am I allowed to do that? I thought you were getting your phone out for your notes again. You know where you've got to look while you're doing it.

Look, directly down the camera while you're blowing your nose. You can have a fresh tissue because this one looks rank. That was being in the boot of your car for three days. Oh, sorry. I could leap forward, I suppose. Slowly. Thank you so much. This is all good. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to do this as a Patreon? Right down. Straight down the back of the camera, please, Philip. I know, but I wanted to do the picking thing. Yeah, you've got to do the picking thing. Yeah, you've got to do the picking thing. It's good. No, you're clean.

I think it says a lot about a man with nose blowing style, doesn't it? It does. Yeah. If I did a cartoon, one way, it goes, woo-r-ro. Yeah. If it makes a honking noise.

But yeah, you've got to get in there. Yeah. Sometimes. And, like, the people who don't, they're going to pay the price later on. I wonder what age you stop blowing the child's nose for them. You know, like, they always go and blow. My mom still does mine.

Mom, can you come round? They suck it out, some parents. You know that. Well, they don't. Because kids can't, like, babies can't blow their nose. So they literally, they recommend, or, you know, a lot of people do this, literally sucking it out for them. Is that true?

Yeah, that's true. But then there's this tube being invented that you, like, put over your kid's nose and suck it through the tube so it doesn't end up in your mouth, but some parents just... It's fine, I'm pet. Yeah, I've got to say this. I have a mint. Yeah, I think that's just part of being a parent. You've got to suck snot out your baby's head.

No, thank you. I mean, this is a different podcast. run by two other losers. But it sounds disgusting. Yeah. I'm glad I can't have kids. Yeah. That's what it entails.

Pop-alums are bed, though. Oh, sorry. Thank you for my apologies. I've gone off. Bread. I'm a bready boy. I bet you guessed that as well. I don't know, actually.

I wouldn't have guessed that. I guess Pop-a-dom's got a lot of dips, and you said you don't like sauce. So I guess that's going to put you off. Because sometimes I would eat the pot. I'll put on it around like a, if I go out and I always have a, if I go to like an Indian restaurant, I'll always have the mixed grill so I get the driest things. Wow.

All the teak of stuff. Yeah. So it's just still like, I like the flavor. Yeah. But I just don't, and I take the onions off. Do they want these onions? Wow. They go in.

I love going out. I love having done it with Phil Alice. He always gives me his onions. His metal tray is going. Anyone? Can't want lid. Does anyone want my onions? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm trying to give the lid a lick. And that's good to go. So you just have the meats. Yeah. And sometimes I would go, oh, do a popadol? I'll try that. And then it's just, it's dry in it.

You just have on it. Yeah, well, I don't know if I like, I'd have put some margarine on it. On a popadom? Yeah, if they had it. Got any vitalite? I'm aware, they'll have some in the kitchen. You probably cook with a bit vital.

So bread, you're going with the bread. Yeah. Is there a specific type of bread or a bread from a specific place that you want? Oh, no. Do you know, do you know, the best bread I ever had? Please. Was, like, a baton. Like, you know, they've called them batons.

You know, you couldn't wield it as a weapon. But it was like, I suppose you'd call it, like just, what would you call it? I mean, like a roll, I suppose. Yeah. No, it was really soft white bread. Yeah. And then I just remember when you're cutting it, it wasn't like air. It wasn't too airy.

I'd like a nice sort of solid feel to it, but it wasn't too hard. It's just right. And I put a lovely egg in it. cracked it, but in it. My friend taught me how to do it. Where was this bread? It was in the late district. It's a big area.

Yeah, we're gonna narrow it down. We're gonna narrow it down. So was it at a restaurant? Were you staying somewhere? No, it was in like a deli. And they had this nice baton. And I said, can I have a sausage and egg? And it was the nicest thing.

My mouse was watering it. I've nearly cried, remember? That can be your bread course if you want. You can have that with a sausage and egg. I can have that as well. I can put stuff in the bread. Yeah. Oh, brilliant.

I have a sausage and egg batten, please. Yeah. Thank you. Batson's from the Lake District. Whereabouts in the Lake District, was it? Could you remember? It was near a lake. Sort of the kind of district.

I can't remember. It's a long time ago. I think this sounds like lovely bread course. Yeah, it's right. Yeah. I love a bit of bread. What sort of sausages is in there? Just plain port, please.

Plain pork, please. Played pork. Played porky boys. And cooked all the way through. All the way through, please. And cut them in half. Yeah. I don't want to rolling around in there.

Yeah, that's a good point for a sausage sandwich. Yeah, yeah. You've got a split and flatten. Yeah. Yeah, you've got a split in that. It took me years to figure that out. Always rolling out. Always like eating a bat and he'd be trying to chat to someone.

He always been like poking one back in. And it was like, there must be a better way than this. Yeah. In any way to stabilize these cylindrical meat? I have a regular argument with my tour manager, Paul Brown. Full name. We have a lot of breakfast together. And I think this is a stupid thing to do.

Always ask for a sausage is well done. Yeah, unnecessary. I feel like it's unnecessary, but he claims that most places undercook their sausages. Or there's a lot of places that undercooked them and you're at risk of having the situation that you had with a raw sausage.

But I've never had that before. No, I know, I do get, I think because pork is the thing that we all feel. don't we? Because we've been told for years, pork if it's undercut, you will, that's you done.

Yeah, you're dead. But I think it goes back to the days when we didn't have fridges. Yeah. But I think that is one fit, yeah. But sometimes you happen.

I suppose if you used to, maybe if you go to a place and you weren't happy the first time, then you can say, can you cook the sausages more? Yeah. But I generally give some of the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, I think so.

But then we were on tour the other day, and it was a buffet situation. We lifted up the lid and the sausages were the pale list looking things and some of them were broken up and they're all in pile. It's horrible, like, visceral. I did get told once though. I went to Weather Spoons for breakfast and they brought

and the eggs out, well they brought out on their own. May I present to the eggs. But they and they were all hard. So I went, oh sorry, do you remember I have a runny egg? You've got to ask for that.

Which you've just done. What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what's happening. But that's what's happening now. Yeah.

It was literally what is going on right now. You can't, I can't be your response. Yeah, you can't get me on that. The response to the question can't be. I have to ask the question. And so ever since, I go in and go, I could have my eggs running. They go, yeah, they come running.

And I was like, well, no, I'm the idiot, but I was told specifically to ask. And the one day you don't ask, it'll be a hard egg again. Yeah, it happened. How often you're having Weatherspoons breakfast, Phil? We're just trying to get a picture of your life. Yeah.

Tomorrow morning, I will have a weather spoon breakfast. So that's how often. you know in advance that you're having a weather's breakfast tomorrow. Yeah, get there before 12. Get there before 11.30 because otherwise the chef's like, oh, I mean, burger's own. Yeah, really. I've had enough of breakfast. So, sorry, Phil.

So there are loads of places, greasy spoons and stuff that do really good fry-ups. Yeah. Why are you going to weather spoons, which I don't think is as good as your standard calf? I would agree with you. Yeah, okay. But do the cafes do a bottomless coffee?

for £1.70. I see. So that's what's drawing you in there. Do they have the atmosphere? The jovial, warm atmosphere of a weather spoon. At 11.30 a yeah, yeah, yeah. And the plates. Yeah, and the smell of a fresh Guinness on the table next to you.

The smell of it, or you order it would have been one of those. I put it on the table next to me, and then we just to clear it away. I go, oh, no, no, no, no. I was pretending I'm not drinking it. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember the last time I had a weather spoon's breakfast or food and weather spoons, to be honest. I'll have a breakfast in like an airport cafe and a pint maybe now and again. Love to be a lad now and again. Sure. Yeah. What's the earliest you've had a pint

alone? Oh, great question. Not even started the main menu next. I'm sorry. Phil's asking, what's the earliest you've had a pint alone? It's probably at an airport. Yeah. But I don't think I would have been alone though, because I would have been flying with someone. Yeah, or a stack do. But you wouldn't be alone, would you? No. That's sorry. Probably alone of my stag. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be at an airport, but then I can't even think... I probably wouldn't have a point alone.

I don't know. To be honest, what about you? Please answer the question. Well, tomorrow... What do you pair with a weather spins breakfast? What pint is the best? Oh, I just go for like a nice Kalsberg. It's easy, it's fresh, it's low alcohol,

so you don't feel too bad. Yeah. And he did his sausage in. And do you have to... ask for the Karsberg, Ronnie? Yeah. Rock-hard Kalsberg.

I know you've got to ask for that. Yeah, yeah. Did you specify? Your dream starter, Philoess. Ox tail. Did you just look down the camera and you took a sip of your team? I did, but I didn't turn up to, so I looked at

and realized to have me back. What is that? It's weird. I've done it again. An oxtail soup. Yeah. Not too heavy, but I'm getting a bit of a meaty hit before we get...

Well, don't want to know. No spoilers. No, no spoilers. We might be meeting the rest of that bovine baby. This is tail to nose eating we're doing. Yeah, yeah. Start at the back, work our way forward. The dessert will be the else's nose. Cupbed in powdered sugar.

The dessert's the thing it's looking at. Yeah, yeah. You've gone so far, nose to tail, that you go beyond of what it's looking at. Pass the ring in its nose. Yeah, yeah. This surprises me because you don't like sauce. But you picked a soup, which I would say is a big bowl of sauce. Big bowl of sauce.

Yeah, that is an issue that people do say that soup is a sauce. When does a liquid become a sauce, and when does a sauce become a liquid? And what is soup? What's on the subject? Source is liquid, I think, people would say. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but then soup is liquid too, but then I guess it's presentation. Yeah. So am I having a nice cup of sauce? No No, no, no, no, that's a Oh, two sugars in my sauce, please, and milk. Tea sauce. Yeah, that's, I think it's, presentation, it's context.

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not pouring the oxytale soup on anything. No, it's in a bowl. Yeah, so it's contained, I kind of get it. It's not tainting anything around it. You can have soup in a mug, and then that becomes, does that become a drink then? That becomes a really lonely phase of your life. Yeah.

Believe you, me, mate. I hate soup in a mug, man. It's weird. I really hate it. I really hate it. So you're supposed to just drink it? Do you like drinking it out of the mug? Yeah, as long as there's no bits in it.

When there's bits in it, it's annoying out the mug because then they're all just sinking to the bottom. That's annoying. And there's bits in the oxtail soup, I'm guessing. Yeah, but the ones I get, the tin, oxtail I get, luckily the bits of carrot in it, which ruin it, all float to the top. So if you open the, leave it to settle,

open the tin carefully, and then you can scoop all them out before you start. Flick them in the sink, get them in that little, Then plug you up. Throw them straight in the bin. This is your dream starter. The chef will be doing this for me. That's the cooking.

I forgot that's part of the cooking. They're flipping the carrots into the sink and then scrape them out from on the plug hole and putting them in the bin. Yeah, yeah. That should be ready now. Yeah, straight in your oxen. All right, get that in the microwave.

Three minutes. So this is what you want. You want the tinned oxtail soup that you like. You want the chef to flip the carrots out into the sink. Yes, please. And then you want it three minutes in the microwave. Yeah. Don't get Hines. They have bits of tomato in it. Right, and you don't want that.

Do you just want, is it almost like a clear soup, basically? But the little bits, little chunks of oxtail, they're a nice little surprise. Yeah. You like those. They're not a surprise. You've got rid of any surprises for yourself. So fucking hell, there's a bit of oxdale in this oxtail soup. Whoa.

Never know, do you? Let your yard down for a second. He gets the ox tail. Is there a danger when you're a little? Is there a danger when you're a little. flicking the carrot out that you accidentally flick a bit of ox tail into the sink. And in that situation, what do you do? Well, before you start, you want to clean that sink so that if you do lose any ox tail, you feel confident enough that it's clean that you can pop that back in the tin. So you do that. You do pre-clean your sink in case you accidentally, you flick some

oxtail into it when you're flicking out the carrots. Do you believe that he pre-cleans the sink? Nope. Well, it's a sink. The sink is clean anyway, isn't it? So, okay, we've immediately... Yeah, yeah, not cleaning it anyway. I've not been putting stuff in there to dirt. I put stuff in there that's dirty, and when it comes out is clean. I assume the area around... The sink is clean. The sink is clean. Or where does the dirt... Where does the dirt go from the thing that you're cleaning in the sink?

Down, that... I mean... All goes down. Straight down. Down the plug hole and out, out into the sea. Where it belongs. What if... What if I just got, like, a tin of oxal toilet soup? Mm. And I just poured it down... Flushed toilet.

Are you going to be licking that off the sides of the bottle? Yeah, a bit of Oxtail in the... But I'm not using soap in the toilet. There's soap in the sink when you're cleaning your dishes. Plus, I'm not shooting in the sink, by the way. By the way. The only guest he's ever had to say that. Yeah.

Also, I don't fully believe you. That you've never done that. Why, have you got that chopstick next to the sink then, Phil? It's our first oxdale soup on the pod, I think. It might be. I don't know. Certainly tinned with all the character. it's strained out.

Yeah. Oh. I feel quite... What is the make of the soup that you use? Because you say no Heinz, but like... I have Aldi's own. Aldi's own, yeah. Which hasn't been in stock as much recently.

I don't know if that's a Brexit thing. Okay. Could be. Aldi's own, not Aldi's own. It's not like Burger's own. No, no. Not Aldi's own. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Timothy Spore picked Oxtail stew

with chicken slash lick. So like a kebab with it. which must have been his main, right? But yeah, that's a different thing to Aldi's own Oxdale Super. And he took my part from Harry Potter. I was meant to play that mouse character. It's a rat. Yeah, rat, yeah.

That's why you get it. Yeah, beginning to see why he didn't get it. I wasn't before. There's a TV series being made now, Phil, and I'm pretty sure no one's really queuing up for it. So if you want to play that role, as long as you're okay, setting fire to your new fan base, that followed you from Taskmaster.

Straight into the audition room. There's a mouse, is it? Yeah. But yeah, fuck, Joe what, mate, fine,

just, the part's yours. I'd mute your mentions if I was you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not the one, I'm not saying you can separate the art from the artist.

Straight in the compilation. Oh, so, yeah, but I don't think an oxytale stew's the same as soup. No, no, no, no, no.

No, stew and soup, too very different. Plus, what else do you have in it? Kim and Chi. Chicken. Chicken.

Yeah, not kimchi, mate. Do you want to have a guess of what kimchi is? Yeah. A fruit. Yep. I'm back. Yeah. And I've got a BAFTA's ball.

Has he got a... Almost certainly got a BAFTA. He definitely got a cough, aren't he? Or doesn't he? So it's one of the two. You've not won that, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He's great. He's in my favourite, one of my favourite Mike Lee films,

all or nothing. Yeah. Lovely. Good actor. What did you get a BAFTA for? Me? Yeah. Have I got a BAFTA for?

No, I didn't know you had a BAFTA. No, I haven't. No, I said, he's got a BAFTA. Did I? You said, and I've got a BAFTA sport. Oh, did I? It was very clear. You're very clear.

He said, and I've got a BAFTA sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I got caught up. And I think I, for a moment, I believe, I don't know for them. Yeah. I thought, I didn't know if he didn't go, oh, what was that?

What was that for? It was just like, what have you got one for? It was that. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. That was anger. But he didn't, he believed it. Yeah.

I wasn't angry. I wasn't angry, but just confused. I was happy for you. But I was like, I was like, Phil doesn't expect me to know what everyone's won. I got a BAFTA. Yes, Ed's got a BAFTA because he won Taskmaster Series 7 and then won a BAFF. Nine, you were in seven. Sorry, that was me.

We'll get, we'll miss speaking. We're all me. Can we agree that we'll miss speaking? I may have a BAFTA winner soon as well? Yeah, you might be. How hot are you making this Oxtail soup? Do you want to piping? I don't want to be waiting for it.

Yeah, I want it. Microwave, two and a half minutes, mate. Get them carrots out. What did I say about the carrots? Take it back. Take it back. Open a new tit. I don't want that one.

You're just spitting it. Two and a half minutes. Good to go. Don't need the spoon. I love that the dream restaurant, you could, you know, have someone make an oxdale suit from scratch, you know, without any carrots in it anyway. You know, you could create this whole thing for yourself, but you just want, and I respect this.

You want what you know, which is the LDs. own oxdale soup with a carrot scooped out from the microwave two and a half minutes.

Yeah, and I like to think this dream restaurant is, I'm like, they're just, it's my house. It's your house.

And the chef's just in my kitchen. Yeah, yeah, so he's quite limited of what he's got to be honest, unless he brings

his own stuff. Sure. Plus that microwave, it stops at 30 seconds. You have to take it. So we're always adding it on 30 seconds. Yeah,

we just always add 30 seconds onto what you want to do, really, and it'll stop itself at 30. Your dream main course. is let me get out this sack. This is going to be quite involved this

because Phil's going to his notes. Egg. No. I've got a funny egg story actually. No, I've got time. We do. We do have time. I've got the time.

Well, I was going to put lamb, but I thought that's boring. So, then I was going to put pheasant, because I went through a phase of really enjoying stuff you could eat that you could find on the road. Oh my God.

But I wasn't finding it on the road. I was just like, I'd go, oh, if I was like a roadkill guy, I had a pheasant rabbit and maybe a guinea fowl. So I tried all them, didn't like one. I couldn't eat the rabbit either, to be honest. I felt too bad. Yeah. I cooked it, though.

Throw it in the bin. It's worse. So much worse. So you liked the idea of eating roadkill or animals that would have been run over on a road. It just like, I like the, Isn't there a law that if you've not run it over but you're the car behind, you can then crack on?

Don't think there is. You have to be the car behind. I don't think, because otherwise it could be like... I'm two cars behind. I'm starving. The car behind is yours. You just can't be the car that hits it. Otherwise, it's like you could have done it with intent. Yeah.

Like, you could have got that pheasants having it. Yeah, yeah. Starving. And then, yeah. So you have to have found it. Yeah. And then a friend of mine lived up in the peak district And he was starting to do that

He was telling me about it I found a pheasant that it was fresh And so I just took it home and we ate it But then he told me the terrific story Where he found a, I think he made a bit of a mistake with this one He found a dead sheep And I don't think this is legal I think he meant to leave a dead sheep

Yeah Because they're marked Even a few other car behind Yeah And he popped it in his boot But he was on his way to a gig Oh my God This story is horrific

drove it into Manchester. The gig overran. It was quite a hot day. Kind of forgot about this sheep in the back of his car. And he got to the car and he was like, and he couldn't breathe. It was stank that much. Because obviously the sheep had started to release in the boot.

And it was so bad. He had to take the sheep out and he just left it in a car, multi-street car park in the middle of Manchester. So was this you, Phil? Yeah. Phil, this is you. He was at a gig.

Yeah. The gig over a man. He put the sheep next to the raw breakfast. Yeah, it just sounds like it's useful. It's pretty next to the pain display. I went to, when I was at university, there was someone who got drunk one night and blackout drunk and then woke up the next day

and sort of put two and two together that on the way home he'd killed a pigeon and cooked it when he got home. What? That's mad, isn't it? He'd killed a pit. On the way home, caught a pigeon, killed it. What?

And then got home and cooked it. He's really ill. And then he did it again two weeks later. What the hell was going on? Is he like de-febbering it and everything? Yeah, I guess so. He's doing all the stuff. I just heard about this guy.

But not cooking it thoroughly. Yeah, yeah, not cooking it thoroughly. Just a normal pigeon. But also it's just like a street pigeon. A street pigeon. It's not, you know, this is not on a farm. The sheep story seems so tame now, doesn't it? Both of those.

Both of those are awful. Yeah, both of those are awful. Yeah. Where was this? In London. Durham. Oh, Durham. That's not a different... Different flock of fidget over there.

Yeah, yeah. So what are you choosing? Oh, sorry. A Tomahawk steak. Lovely. Yeah. Because I had one once and it was so well cooked and everything that it got really emotional.

I'm getting emotional. I think about it. Yeah? And it was really nice. Nothing with it. Absolutely nothing with it. Nothing with it. Whereabouts did you have this Tomahawk steak?

What district? Uh... In Italy. Lovely. I bet you didn't think I'd been. No. No. Well, I don't like you.

Won a holiday. You won a holiday to Italy? Where did you win the holiday? I was in, I was in a mom and dad's living room at the time. Okay. And what competition was it, Phil? We're in a trip to Italy.

Okay. Well, how... It was online. All the information we actually need, you refuse to get. No, I, I entered it online. Yeah. Not thinking about it, really.

Was it like a little advert, like on the side of you on a... Just popped up on a like a little post. Yeah. And I was like, I love them to have been to Italy. Yeah. Love a Tomahawk steak, famous for the... Hang on. Was that famous?

They didn't mention the tomahawk steak on the competition, did it? No, it didn't know. But to be honest, I was there and I wanted to really sample the delicacies. I tried a lasagna on the first day. But they do it all backwards. Like, there's not cheese on top. There was tomorrow on top when I just went, this is... I'm out.

And so I just had steak every night. So how long was the holiday that you won? Five nights. So you've won five nights in Italy. And whereabouts in Italy, was it? Lake Garda. Another lake. Yeah, of course.

In a hotel? Do you have any batons? In a hotel? Yeah, kind of like a hotel. Why can I sort of a shalee? Yeah. We call them a chalet. So you'd won, I guess, I'm presuming the flights are paid for.

the accommodation. Is that it? Breakfast. Lovely. Breakfast comes in the competition. But if you want to eat again, you know, pay for it or wait until breakfast.

Yeah. So breakfast every morning, but nothing. Do what I do. Steal as many sausages as you can, get them in your pockets. Yeah. You'll eat like a king all day. Yeah. Do you do that?

If you have a buffet breakfast, do you're taking lunch as well? I used to, like, when I was really skint, gig in, I remember I had no money at all. I was in Cardiff through the Glee. and they had the breakfast and I made, I would make my little rolls for dinner

and I said there was these other acts when I was doing it in Newcastle, the same thing. And I went to one of the acts who was doing a different, like I think they're doing jonglers or something in Newcastle and I went,

just a little tip. What I do is I make a little sandwich for dinner. And one of them when I took a full English breakfast like towering on the plate and they went, yeah, what do you think this is? And he just walked past,

and I'm trying to hide like an apple in my sleeve and that. And he just walked past reception with a full English breakfast, grabbed a free paper, and got in the lift, went to his room. He just had that waiting until dinner. Oh, God, what is it?

These old breakfasts we're talking about. It's horrible. You know, my wife's done in the past, when she's been in a cold country, is take two fresh, boiled eggs, put them in her gloves for the day to keep her hands warm, and then eats it for lunch.

How long do they retain the heat? But long enough to keep you warm, I think, for the morning, yeah. And then... I hope he doesn't have to clap anything to do it. We're going to watch Phil Ellis live. The eggs will be friends. That's a good way of getting people into your tour, actually.

If you've got boiled eggs in your gloves, you'll be right. If you leave with them uncracked, you get your money back. This Tomahawk steak sounds wonderful, though. How's it cooked to what's... Medium rare. Medium rare. But more towards the rare. I quite like a slightly rare, you know,

but when you say medium rare, a proper chef who knows what, they'll make it quite bloody anyway, won't they? And is there a nice, like, seasoning on the outside? as there a crust to it? I like a very salty steak. Yeah. But I don't want the bloke coming out and pouring it down his arm.

If you see that online where that guy will come... Salt Bay. You're talking about Salt Bay? How quickly you forget, James. You not remember Salt Bay? The guy comes out, he's got like a black glove on,

like he's in hostel. The Turkish guy. Yeah, and you come out and you'll go, hey, look at this nice steak. And he goes, hmm. And then he pour salt down his arm and it goes through all the hair. All the hair.

On to your steak? Do you not remember saltbair? I know you're not on social media, but you must have... You must have no salt bake. I don't fit... It's a few years ago. I've seen a video of Gemma Collins go into a steak place where they make a state that's got gold all over it.

That's that guy's place. Because off the back of his viral fame doing that, with dropping all the salt through his hair, he opened loads of restaurants. And they did well for a bit because he'd go to all of them on opening night and do that and like David Beckham's there. loving salt bay and all of this. But then obviously to stop going to them

and there's like, there's one in London that no one ever goes in because it's like 800 quid for a steak covered in gold leaf. Yeah. It's awful. Yeah, Gemma Collins had it. She was so excited about it. Someone showed it to me like, look at this is pathetic. Yeah. And it was like, and he's coming over

Salt Bay or whatever's name is, and doing the whole thing. And she's like losing her mind and drinking like, you know, loads of champagne and being like, she's looking down the camera like you would. Yeah. And being like, here we go, baby,

yes, that's it. And it's like, he's cutting up the steak and you're like, that is... It's just so bleak. We all know you can't taste gold.

Yeah, yeah. So like, whatever you're doing, we all, like, no matter who is watching this knows it's stupid.

No one, no one is watching this thing and it's cool. Yeah. Gold leaf thing. It's just like the gross sort of debiification of everything where it's like,

look at how well I'm doing I'm eating a gold steak for no reason. It's horrible, yeah. Oh, It's me sat there chewing on an earring. When's his oxdale soup getting here?

No, we won't bring out. And that salt bake guy as well, he got in loads of trouble because he was there at the World Cup final ones when Argentina won. And he kept like, he's like walking into their shot where they're holding the World Cup and stuff, like standing next to them being like, yeah, we did it together. What?

Trying to get in a photo with Messi. Or salt into the cup. Yeah, yeah. Putting more gold on the World Cup. Jim McCollins go, We assume he's got a clean elbow. You've got to assume he's got a clean elbow. If I'm doing a restaurant, I just go, do it on my ass crack.

All right, ready for salt? Yeah, I mean, that is different. Phil, tell me you see the difference. The problem is, yeah, Phil doesn't know his ass from his elbow. Yeah, brilliant. Excellent work. Come on. I think now, you know, now you've done Taskmas, and you've found fame,

I think you could do a restaurant pop-up where you sprinkled salt through your ass crack. onto people's steak, into their oxdale. Yeah, well, they go crazy for it. Yeah. Your dream side dish. Now, you've said that you want this steak on its own, so this is a bit of a conundrum. Well, on its own, because I sometimes get too caught up

with all the other bits, and I'm like, I just want to enjoy this massive tumult. Like, it takes up the whole plate. We know you don't want any sauce with it, certainly. Although, sometimes I'll have a peppercorn sauce, and I'll dip it in. You stay in your little tub, mate. I'll come to you.

That's the beginner's steak sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. What else would you have? Well, that's just the first, you know, the first sauce you try with a steak is a peppercorn sauce. And you're like, okay, fine. I don't know what other sauces you can possibly have. Jimmy Churry?

I can avoid a joke about that being someone. Great, great prop comic. Jimmy Chiris on next. That's a good name for a prop comic, isn't it? Jimmy Chiri. Yeah. I'm a toaster. Hang on.

This prop comic is saying, I'm a to. toast. He's got a bit of bread on, is there? Whoa, okay. This is opening bit. Bernays? All right, yeah. Another character.

Weekend at Bernay. You're sure with that character? Yeah. But yeah, peppercorn's like a solid chutz. But I'm kind of with you. I wouldn't really have, I don't really have sauces with steak, because if it's good steak and it's got a lot of fat in it anywhere and it's like delicious, you just want to taste the beef.

Maybe sometimes when they bring like butter, like butter along. Yeah. Like, you know, if it's garlic butter or bone marrow butter sometimes, they bring it over. And I find it quite hard to resist just like running the steak through that. Yeah. You know, getting a nice bit of steak in them. I'm with you on that.

They can put it. Yeah, go on. I had a nice, twist it out. I had a nice blue cheese holland days at Hawksmore the other day with the steak. Oh, I like Hawksmore. Yeah. Yeah, I go there in Manchester's nice. You went there on your own, didn't you?

Yeah. I went to Hawksmoor on my own. It was lovely. I had a 600 gram ribbuye. Oh, yeah, that's a big boy, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. They were like, you sure you want that? I was like, yeah.

Finish it? Yeah, yeah, I felt so sick. Ed texted me saying he was there and he was going to do it. And like, you know, Ed and I will often have like, you know, kind of an ongoing text exchange during a meal if the other person's, like, excited about it. But there was something about it. Ed texts me saying, I'm at Hawksmoe on my own and I couldn't be happy. I made such a great decision.

This is going to be great. And I just was like, you know what? I think Ed would like to be left alone during this. I picked up from the thing that like Ed has texted me because of out of habit. Yeah. But I think Ed is in his head is like going, why have I done that? No, I didn't think that. But you're...

I'm here on my own. Yeah. Now I'm going to get texts from this guy. So I just left him to do it. That's nice. And I knew, I'll probably hear about it on the pod and here we are. Yeah. And did you take your time with it?

Oh, yeah, of course. You have to do 600 grams. I think so. You can't be racing through that. But I've always, like, I always think, like, I see the staggot, it's not quite big enough that. And I always want to try a proper big. That's why I don't want the other bits getting in the way. I just want that big slab of meat.

Yeah. But that sounds amazing. How many grams of the tomahawk? I don't know, but you've got to take the bone into account. Yeah, you can get big ones, like over a kilo, really. I think for your dream meal, we should get you like a 1.2 kilo. My mouth watered a bit then. Yeah.

I'm not really pathetic. Are you chewing the bone? I do. I like the bone. Yeah. Yeah, I like a meat bone. Sometimes I've had friends and family will save a bone for me. I was at a family barbecue, not of late.

And they went, don't worry, and they gave the lamb bone to one of the cousin's dogs. And then they even looked at me as he did it, and they went, sorry, Phil. And this dog didn't appreciate that lamb bone. I bet it did. Well, did it? Yeah, but it loved it. Famously, famously loved that. Yeah.

I was like, watching the Simpsons eating that. So I love that, so when you initially said sometimes they save the bone for me, it's when you're there, right? Because in my head, you're not there and they're going, save that for Phil. Save that for Phil. Burmere in the garden, you'll get up. Save that for our film.

Yeah. Postman knocking. You won't go through the letter box. Well, that'll be a bone. Must have been gutted when you're fred through that sheep away. The whole skeleton there for you. I would have had that. I would have done that.

A nod on that. Yeah, watching the Simpsons. So many bones. Oh, don't put Nana down there. Full of bones. It's all she was, about the end. That's horrible. Yeah, pretty horrible.

I'm sorry, the Simpsons tune on your Nana's hip bone. Always the Simpsons. Always the Simpsons. What was your dream side, though? It has to go with the state, doesn't it really? It doesn't have to. It's a poached egg aside. Yeah?

You have it on the side. I don't help that as the side. Have a nice poached egg, please. A poach day. Second egg. Take it with a bit of kitchen. A bit of kitchen towel before you pop it on the toe, so it's not too wet. So you've got toast as well on the side?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Poachdeg on top. It's not just a single point. That is what we thought you'd said. Sorry, poach egg. Maybe you want to consider how we reacted to it. Yeah, yeah. And go, what does that say about me?

Yeah. That they thought it was funny, but they didn't think it was out of the question. But I had a friend once, right? We were on a night out. And he went, and we were going home afterwards. And I went, oh, I might go. I might have gone get a kebab on the way home. And he went, he went, and I still, he was, oh, I'm all right.

I fried three eggs before I came out. The world you live in is so gross, Phil. The people you know are so gross. But I just left it at that, but I went over like, what is he? Why would you fry three eggs and then leave the house? Yeah. You go, I'll have those later. Just surely do them fresh when you're in, right?

Yeah. They're not that long to do, are they? No. And they're not. They're nice or hot. Yeah. And they're not long enough that you'll be going, I'll probably be able to do this before I have to go and meet Phil.

Oh, right time. That'll happen. Does he have him cold? Must it? Yes, has to have them cold. You can't warm. You can't? You can't?

I don't think you can reheat. No, he's eating three cold eggs out of them. Probably still in the pan, I would imagine, where he left. Maybe he fried six eggs before leaving the house. Got through three of them went out, full up. I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can have to put some cling to the things. I'll put one of my pocket in. Maybe later I'll. Maybe later I'll have them, but make. Put one in the boot. Yeah, yeah, obviously. Frisbee one into the boot.

Drive into town to see Phil. So you've got poached egg, one poach egg on toast. Yes, please, thank you. A little bit of salt and pepper. Lovely. No sauce is needed. No sauce is needed, but the egg is a sauce. The eggs are sauce.

Yes, his own sauce. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What kind of bread are we talking? Just white. White toasted bread. White toast, yeah. Do you have a preferred brand?

Aldi again, please. Aldi's own. Straight to Aldi. And who does a voiceover for Alty? I don't know. Jim Broadbent these days, is it? Is it? Or is he little?

Spall, Broadbent. Maze Adam does Azda. Oh, yeah. Congratulations. I'd like Morrison's. You'd like Morrisons? That'd be your... I've worked to jingle out for Morrison's.

Let's hear it. So it's Christmas time. I think you do like an Oliver thing. And someone goes, God, you get so much more. And then someone goes, more more and then they go Marissons

Marisans never before as a store offered more you're really going to have to watch this one everyone because obviously that ended with Phil looking right and he's still he's looking down the camera at the end of the song then all the time it took me to say that I look back and realised Philip you're looking down the camera for the whole time really rushed it at the end

yeah yeah sorry you just wanted to be out of the song but the advert's like all the carrots dancing down the aisle and chasing down the aisle yeah well it's carter it's not really. So they're in Morrisons, dancing about Morrisons. Yeah.

Yeah. And they're like, come we down, Morrisons, Morrisons. Never before has a store of. Not more. Yeah. That's good. Copyright.

Yeah. Can I copyright that song? Yeah, I don't think you need to. You can if you want. Is Morrison's your favorite supermarket? Or is it? No, it must be Aldi. Of course it's Aldi.

What's the best thing from Aldi? The hand-cooked, the salt and sharp. Adé, vinegar, crisps. But a little tip for you, look on the back, pick the right chef. Because Dilip doesn't put enough salt and vinegar on it, but Somnath and Deepak do. Here's your tip. Why are the chefs listed on the back?

I have no idea, but they are. And they do vary in extremities of like, if you want a really intense hit, Somnath or Deepak. But I'm assuming they're just all made in the same factory, though, and these men are just invented. I wonder if they're like the names of the machines with the lottery. So number 22, not seeing that one for one. And we'll be drawing from Deepak today. Yeah, it might be that.

But there's three chefs who are making all the crisps. Yeah. I think so. I think there's a fourth one I can't remember. But you're not interested in that guy. No, no. You're two favorites. One who you absolutely hate.

I don't know who you never know. I mean, if I'm desperate, I'll have a dilip. But I'd rather have a somnathor. D-pack. Yeah. They get the salt level, right? Salt level

intense. Deepak, proper big hit. You can't have a full packet because you'll burn what about the vinegar though?

For me, it's all about the vinegar. Yeah, they're just the right, the vinegar's really intense. Yeah. What did you do if you found out if you saw a video

on Deepak's doing all the salt through his last track? You're like, that's why. That's why I like it. Jim and Collins going crazy.

Oh, Deepak, that's incredible. I love. I love this. Yeah, I've not, I've not really gone into the details in ALDI before. I didn't realize there was different chefs for the different crew. I was just like, why is this a bad batch? I couldn't figure it out. So I started looking more into it, and I realized that the chef's names on the back. So now I thought I'll go and get a cross section. Yeah. That's how you find out. Do you think that's for all of ALDI or is that just in the branch of ALDI that you shop in? Well, I've been to Wales and there's a few Deepak's in there. Yeah?

Yeah. He gets out and about, doesn't he? Yeah, he's a busy boy. Your dream drink? I think I'll just have, like I like Coca-Cola. I'll have a little Coca-Cola. Or if we're having a bit of a cheeky drink, a little tipple. Yeah. A nice weather spoons Pinot Grosio, please, from the tap. No, I won't.

You can have that if you want. Can I? I. I'll have that. Is that your dream? That's your favourite. We get two for one on Friday. This is all three anyway. It's all three? Yeah.

Oh, I'll have three then, please. Four's too much. You can have a bottle if you want. Or it's not in a bottle, though, is it? It's out of the tap. Yeah. We'll just bring the tap to me. Yeah, we can get you a weather spoons.

You put a tap on the side? Yeah, we put a weather spoons tap on your table for Pinotrigo if you want. I'll have that, thank you. Yeah. What do you like about the weather spoons pinotry show? It's two for one on a Friday. Did I start? Yeah.

Did I stutter? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Tom. Is there anything about the taste that you enjoy? No, not really. No, it's horrible. Yeah. I went through a phase of, oh, so I went on a diet because I thought I don't need to get in shape for the Taskmaster show.

Because I was wearing, I thought a strongman outfit. I thought, but you don't want to look really bad. So I thought I'll start exercising. So I read somewhere that if you drink Guinness or white wine, it helps, you know, keep the calories off. What? If you want to drink. Like, you're probably best just going to live in. So you decided I don't want to get in shape.

You're like, there is no way in hell that I am stopping drinking. Yeah, yeah. So I have to Google. Yeah, I went through all of them. Even though that's kind of like, yep, go on. That's not happening. Why is that not happening? That was horrible.

Yeah. Plus, I don't like the bottom of the glass, which is blue. I don't understand why it's blue. Sorry, I went for Guinness and White Wine. And how many Guinness and White Wine would you say is okay on a diet? Well, I would normally fall asleep on a bench in a pub around four Guinness, three wines in. Yeah. Because you need to alternate them.

Yeah. Because Guinness is too heavy, so then you have a nice wine. Four Guinness and three wines. All right, Cape Moss. So you're starting with a Guinness. I'll have a Guinness to start, please, thank you. And you're alternating between them. And when you get to the fourth Guinness, you've fallen asleep on a bench.

Yeah, so we better get that dessert out. Well, we can probably do that. We can probably put two taps on your table in the dream restaurant. And one's Guinness and one's Pinotrygio. But, yeah, weather spoons. So I don't know how they keep the lines at Weather Spoons in terms of the Guinness. I don't know how well they preserve their Guinness. Well, they serve so many, they're all right.

Yeah. But if you were to have like a good light, yeah. This is going to taste a bit like bleach. Yeah. Do you mind if someone does the Guinness for me? Oh, of course, yeah. Who would you like?

Deepak, please. Deepak, of course, Deepak, yeah. Straightening, it's going to be a salty Guinness. Okay, well, that sounds good, Phil. I mean, that's, I mean... Doesn't sound good. It sounds awful. Yeah, it's just a awful meal, I don't know?

It sounds like I find it hard to believe that you've never, because you know, you do like to drink. I don't believe you've never had a better drink. Oh, no, I like to, I used to like going for a Malbec, which my friend, you know, Mick Ferri, the comedian, a very funny comedian, he would always, he got me into Malbec. But I quite like the way he'd say, well,

because we couldn't say it in like, can have a Malbec, we'd have to be like, give it a girl, like, you know, we'll have a Malbec. So it's like, we're trying. Every time I order to him, I go, I'll have a Sauvignon Blanc, suppose. Why do you feel like you need to do it like that? I feel like a class traitor, if I say, right. Yeah.

Especially if I say, when they say New Zealand or Chile, I go, I go, bothered. I go, one, half of each. If they say, next time, if they say chili, you go, yeah, I want it cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do that. But I like a mouth, yeah, like a mile back. Lovely.

Are you going to be drinking, is this meal going to be drinking, pleasure or effect, because at the moment, it feels like that's for effect. What, the Malbec? Sovignon Blancor, the Pinotrygia, sorry. All right, yeah. If I was paying for it, I'd do this. You're not paying for the... Well, then I'll have a Malbec, please.

Lovely. Thank you. It goes well with the tape. So you don't want the taps now. You can leave them there because I'll probably... You do want the tap. Because I'll probably want to keep drinking, but I'll start if I'm flagging a bit. Yeah.

Phil, is your dream drink an entire weather spoons bar attached to the tape? Yeah, basically. Yeah, sounds like. I'll tell you what, bring a couple of the locals round. as well in case I get bored. Any people in particular characters from your local that you want sat maybe in the room?

There used to be a local I drank in London and the guy he had no vocal cords because he was a heavy smoke and I was a heavy smoke at the time. He always used to say to me. He had like two left I think so he could sort of get a bit out. And he was like

you need to stop smoking Phil please and then he'd always ask for a cigarette. Yeah. I'd like him. You'd like him there? Yeah, because he's like good to chat to, but he also had to have like a rest now and then, so he wasn't, didn't go on too much.

No. It's still in fucking agony when he was talking to. Just begging you not to smoke and then smoking in front of you. Yeah. While you're still smoking. Yeah. On my money.

Yeah, on your money. Yeah. But I quit now, so. Yeah. Well done. So he won't be able to anymore. Yeah. Thank you.

And if you've got problems smoking, why don't you, put a number there for you. Put Phil's an number That was my bon number Your dream dessert Phil To top off this treats of a meal

What better way than a nice Perfectly defrosted Serrelly Gatto Here we go Of course It's the Serrily Gatto It's a Cerely chocolate Triple chocolate Gatto please

Yeah It was always my favourite Growing up And it makes And I used to go to school With the girl called Serely Of course Nothing like the Gatto

Funny story Was that, did you mention that to her at school? Would you be like, oh, did you invent the gatto, that sort of stuff? Yeah, of course. Yeah, a bit of fun of school. Yeah, I was probably the joker in the pack, wasn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a fun I was at school.

No, but I did sometimes, like, look and I wonder she does eat sara lee gatto. So you wouldn't make jokes out loud about it, but in your head, you would think I wonder if she eats saraly gatto. Yeah, I'd be like, but like, if there was a cake called the Phil Ellis Sponge. Yeah. I mean, you'd try it. But what if it was horrible? It wasn't for you. You wouldn't just have it because it was, you know, called the fillet-lis spun.

Yeah. Fuck it out. So I don't think she'd be obligated to always have... What's for dessert? Serra Liga. Yeah, yeah, my ghetto. Yeah. Yeah, what are you having walkers?

Crisps. Walkers, he's just good walkers, that guy. What about you, Fabloli? I'm a twit. I couldn't tell you. the last time I had a Sarah Leagueato. And are they still going strong? You can still get them.

I'm not checking the shares. But are you still eating them? No, no. Are they still available? I can't afford them. I have the Audi equivalent. Yeah, of course. Of course you do.

Phil has bought someone from his management here with him today, and I hope they're taking note on how skinned Phil is. And that they really need to start working harder. He's just on Taskmaster. Yeah, well, exactly. Doesn't last long that, man. I've got out the window. That's my lifestyle.

I think of all the, the king of the frozen desserts from the 1970s is the Vienetta for me. Oh yeah, that's a good one. Never liked it though. Never, but it, but it, no, it made it. So it's not a good one. No, it's not.

He used to come with the KFC family feast. Yes, it did, yeah. My dad loved it. I was never a fan. No. Why didn't, why didn't you like it? I don't know. It was always like,

I didn't like the effort going through the chocolate. when you had to crunch through each level. I don't know. I'd like the side bit with the squiggly bit of ice cream. That would go first, and then I just leave the middle. Well, you cut it that way? No, I would just cut, no, I'd have my slides. Yeah.

And I go, I'm just going on the end bits. That's wild. The middle was going. Anyone want that? Anyone want that? Anyone want that? Because you didn't want all the little bits of chocolate in there? Yeah. So you're offering your onions and the middle of a vienna, basically.

Yeah, that's what it is. Very generous guy. Hey, hands off that Guinness. No, but the vionette is another. classic frozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're a Sarah Lee guy. I'm a Sarah Lee guy.

What do you like about the Serra Lee Gatto? Yeah, thank you for the specifying it was the gatto. Serely, I hope you're doing well wherever you are. I'm not seeing you for 30 years, but she was a good person. Have you talked about now? The school. Yeah, the person from school. Yeah, the person from school.

Yeah. But yeah, the gato, the thing I like most about it, I liked it was soft. It was just the right richness of just. chocolate. The sponge was nice. But sometimes you rush it because you'd be like, oh, I want the gatto. Yeah, yeah.

And it wasn't defrosted enough. And then, but you persevere. You get through the icy middle. But you can't do that. You've got to be patient. That's a good thing about. Serali gatto has taught me the value of patience. Patience is a virtue.

Yeah. And that's all thanks to Sarah Lee. Sometimes you want that chocolate hit, but give it a bit of time. Yeah. And you'll appreciate it more. Are you having anything with the gato? Ice cream.

Oh, no. It's all in there. It's got a nice sort of moosey texture on the outside, nice spongy middle. You've got the little hard hit on top. You've got a few curled chocolate. And I'll just have an odd-dive one to myself, thank you. A whole one? Yeah, just pull a curtain round the table.

Okay. And just as the curtain's been pulled around, you just see my putting my hand in it, like pushing my hand in it. You're still in your own house, right? Oh, no. Do you know what? I've been imagining myself in the corner of Weatherspoons now. Yeah.

Pull a curtain around in your own house. What would you do if you're eating the... You've pulled the curtain round, you're eating the Serra Ligato with your hands. You're eating the poo in it. You just, yeah, you just see the curtain moving and you realise Deepak's just peeping through. Or it opens up.

As it's reopened, as it's reopened, there's a whole audience there. And they're all going, you'd like that would you? Stand up. Yeah. Egg splighting in their hands. Yeah.

Gross. Well, on a very... Lead your menu back to you now, Phil. I'll see how you feel about it. You would like Stillwater, Tapwater. Yes, thank you. You want a sausage and egg baton from the late district for your breadcours. How have you done that?

Huh? I'm reading your menu. It's not an iPad. Magic menu is a genie. Oh, wow, sorry. Star, you would like a tin dach's towel soup. The carrots flipped out. Microwe for two and a half minutes.

I'll do you. Our design. Main course, Tomahawk steak from the free holiday in Italy at Lake Garda. Medium rare. side dish poached egg with salt and pepper on white toast drink Malbec but you'd also like a pinonogriggio tap and a Guinness tap Yes please

And Benito's thrown in a Coca-Cola here for you Yeah I'll thank you Does Sarah Lee triple chocolate gatto All to yourself with the curtain drawn out of you Yes thank you It says a lot, I think the menu Sometimes with guests says a lot about their life And I feel like that's one of them

Yeah Hearing it back I do see how they're that could seem a bit bleak. You know what really threw me, and I thought about it at the time, but only hearing it in isolation now, as it made me realise how weird it is,

that you start with a sausage and egg sandwich and then your side dishes egg on toast. Yes. Yeah. We should have picked you up on that at the time. No, but I didn't, but you threw the sausages at me. I never do that.

Well, you said, hey, you can have sausage in it if you want, the bread. Well, no. You said that that's what you'd had in the late district. So we said we can give you that. Oh, right. Yeah, I want that. And you went, yeah, I'll have that exact thing.

And then later on. We didn't know that later on as your side dish, forgive us for not presuming this, that you were going to choose egg on toast. With your Tomahawks steak. Your beautiful Tomahawk steak that you got on a free holiday in Italy. Can I back? Do you do do do doggie bags?

Like, could I just, yeah, bag up. Well, maybe I'll just bag up the sausage egg sandwich over that. Yeah, but we know where that's going. Yeah. So I don't think. I don't think with a good conscience I can give you that. Because they're only going to find it when they do your MOT. Yeah.

Do you do the toggie boot? Open it up. It's just like all the doggie bag from the Dream Restaurant, a dead fox. It's a right off, mate. Well, Phil. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks for having me in. Do you know what?

I think we can all safely say that tour is sold out. Of the back of the... And if anyone from Hollywood's listening, or Morrisons. All Morrisons, yeah. Now, thank you very much for having me on. It's been an absolute pleasure, and I'm sorry if I've made any of your listeners

feel physically sick. Well, there we are. The first episode of Series 16 done, James. Last episode ever of the podcast. One down, 19 to go in this series, and then onwards. Oh, man. Lovely to see, Phil.

A disgusted in menu. Disgusting man. Really disgusting man. But go and see him on tour doing Bathmat. Also, his podcast. He'll look different now, though. Oh, yeah. It looked different now.

So don't be scared if he looks different to how he did on the video for this. Yeah, he'll look different. Because he's had hair plugs. Yeah. And they've really started to come in. I saw him the other night. I can't like to see that. Yeah.

They've been very well done. Listen to his podcast, Early Worms as well. Early Worms, yes. Go and see Bathmat, Phil Elliscomedy. dot com and he's got a brand new bath mat right on his bonts. I mean, I guess Edgambl.combe.com.com. Yeah, fresh hell on my tour. No hair plugs as of yet, but we'll see what happens.

New haircut, though. New haircut? To the video. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of the hair. James likes the hair. I'd imagine there'll be some comments below saying they don't like it. They're idiots if they don't like the new hair.

I love the old hair. Love this new hair so much. Thank you. Very excited about it. Not sure my wife likes it, but that's a discussion. I'll have a later date. Awkward! She pushed it up the other night.

She went like that. And then she went, there you are, like the little kid in hook. Yeah. There you are, Pia. Yeah. There you are, Ed. Where you are, Ed Gamble. Ed Gamble.comble.comble.

Thank you. Bye.