Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Pierre Novellie

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Stand-up, podcaster, and Ed's wine club buddy Pierre Novellie has a table booked this week. They chat dream meals, getting trapped in caves, and whether the Queen in Narnia was fit. Pierre Novellie is at London’s Soho Theatre with his new show ‘OK, One More Then Bedtime’ until Thu 1 Oct 2026. Get tickets at sohotheatre.com Pierre will be announcing a tour very soon – sign up to his mailing list to find out tour dates at pierrenovellie.com Pierre’s book, ‘Why Can’t I Just Enjoy Things?: A Comedian's Guide to Autism’ is out now. Buy it here. Follow Pierre on Instagram @pierrenovellie Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour in 2027 with ‘Fresh Hell’. For dates and tickets go to edgamble.co.ukOff Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the beef of conversation, drying it in the hot air of humour, creating the borovos of podcasting. It's thematic for our guest. That is a gamble. My name is James Akester. That was them for our guest. And every single week, we invite in a guest

and we ask them their favourite ever start at Maycoors dessert, cider shan drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is. This might be sausage. Sorry to any South Africans out there. I get your dried meats mixed. up. Pierre Navelli.

He's South African. Pierre Navelli is from South Africa, of course. He's a fantastic comedian, author, podcaster, multi-hyphenate, I guess. Yeah, he's brilliant, Pierre. Delighted to finally get him on the pod. Yes, it's been too long.

And he's a foodie as well. He's a foodie. He's part of Ed's little wine crew. We'll get into that later, I hope. I'll be bringing that up. Yes. And even though he is all of these things, we will kick him out if he says

the secret ingredient, ingredient we need to be unacceptable. And this week, the secret ingredient is black current lemship. I like black current lempsip. Ed doesn't like it. Don't call it lempsip if it doesn't have any lemmon it. So I like it, black current lempsib. I prefer it to normal lempsip.

Ed doesn't like it. It doesn't think it should even be called lempset because it's not got lemon in it. We're going to see if Pierre picks it and then we can have that debate. I don't think he will but it's worth a shot. It's unlikely. But I would like the public and I've on this. and our viewers who might be watching this on YouTube right now to discuss it.

Yes. And talk about... Tweet Benito. Tweetin. The Great Betwito. The Great Betwito. We've already had Lemsip as a secret ingredient. This is a sequel of sorts.

Yeah, Phil Ellis had Lemsip as a secret ingredient. And now we've got Black Current lempsip. And I guess if they ever do any other flavors. Yeah. Which they will, probably. Yeah, yeah. Then we can include that. They'll probably do Biscop or something.

Birthday cake flavor. Or salted carrot. Yeah, something like that. So we'll see what the boys at Lembsep come up with. Yeah. And girls. I'm assuming it's mainly boys. At Lemsep?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. This is the off-money menu of Pierre Novelli. Yeah, Novelli! Welcome Pierre to the dream restaurant. Welcome Pierre Nivelli to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you very much. When you imagine yourself as the genie, are you blue like Aladdin? Like, are you a different... I'm as the gay. Because it's your dream restaurant. I'm as the guest imagines me each episode. Okay, 100% Robin Williams, Aladdin kind of thing. Sort of.

There's no other genie really in my mind. Who else am I going to... Did I see a Panto that was better than that film? Yeah. Yeah, I guess Panto genie, but then, you know, it's not as good as Robin Williams. Someone who was in EastEnders? No. Compared to Robin Williams at his height.

Yeah. Also, like, genies have been, like, you know, just like a thing for... centuries? Yeah. People talking about genies? In the West 800 years. A long time. There you go.

Look, this is what's going to be good this episode. Is when you try and do a bit of history, you're clearly just making it, pulling out your ass. Right, we've got Pierre here. He knows a shit. Yeah, literally just said, in the West 800 years. In the West 800 years. Yeah.

And you go, it's for ages. Eight of centuries. Both correct. Yeah, both correct. I mean, but luckily, in the case of James. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but good instincts. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, good instincts. Driving towards the facts. Yeah, but not really knowing that they're there. Also, you should be driving. Yeah, I shouldn't be driving, not a bad driving. But I know the history there. But, yeah, I mean, Robin Williams, in the 90s, do an Aladdin.

Yeah. And completely changing how everyone sees genies, which have been about for centuries. And now, whenever we think's about a genie, they think of the Robin Williams version. is quite a thing. To be like the Coca-Cola Red Father Christmas of genies. Exactly.

They're blue now. Yeah, they're blue now. And they're whimsical. Yeah. And they do impressions that make more funny if you were sort of an adult in the 80s. Yeah, yeah. In the hindsight. Man, I loved it so much.

If I actually met the genie from Aladdin, I think he'd get on my nerves within six minutes. So stop doing so much. That's because you'd have to say to the genie, look, I'm in the business as well. Yeah. I riff as well. Just like wishes, please. When the genie appears to comedians, he's like a deadly serious Hollywood agent.

It looks no fun at all. You're really serious. Just give me the rules. What are the percentages here? And he's like, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. Imagine the genie, yeah, when it is a comedian that's rubbed the lamp, the genie turns into, like, you know, when you're on a long car journey to a gig with another comic, you don't know that well.

And they go from being really fun on stage to just, like, well, who books that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can never get him with that person. He's like slagging off other genie. However, they get all the, that of a genie gets all of the way. Everyone wants to, like, rub his lamp. And what's wrong with my lamp? I've been doing this for so long.

You've got to do Panto. You've got to learn the trade. Yeah. He just goes leapfrogs straight to Disney? Yeah, straight away. I don't understand how they're doing it. There's all these young genies these days. It's all like, it's the grouting wishes on TikTok.

Yeah, yeah. People doing comments. They're just popping out the lamp on what, chatting to the people who've rub the lamp, and that's good enough now, apparently. I've got it on a show. The whole thing. change it to all these different characters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do impressions? Yeah, don't learn their craft, man. Yeah. For you, am I also doing all the characters, like Williamson, change it into stuff all the time? Or you want me to be a bit more. I think, as you, your, your disposition, but it still looks kind of like that, yeah.

Happy to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. And what's the lamp like for you? What's that like? Is that the Aladdin lamp? Yeah, it looks like, I really like how those, like Moroccan lamps look, I guess, like lighting lamp.

of stained glass and things. It's like a sort of an aspect of that to it. Yeah. It would be nice. Yeah. I think I've seen these. A stained glass lamp? Yeah, well, there's sort of,

lots of different colored bits of stained glass in a kind of brass frame and hanging from the ceiling. I mean, these are lighting lamps as opposed to oil lamps like the... Yeah. I never even, when I was a kid, they would say, oh, that's a lamp. Yeah. And I'd like, look at a lamp in my house and be like,

it must be two different things. Yeah. They must be for two different purposes. A lamp must mean something. Why can you go inside that one? Yeah, yeah, why are you inside that one? Why is it got a spout? Yeah, I guess in the modern one, he should be inside a bulb.

Yeah, a ball. Yeah, a ball. Yeah, see him the whole time. That's good. Yeah, that's what Will Smith should have been. Like, a tamagotchi. Yeah. A magical tamagotchi.

Yeah. It's out, slaps out, slaps you. Yeah. Surely there's a Tamagotchi movie around the corner. You've got to hope so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Just stick him in it. Stick him in it. Jmanmajee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the end of the movie is the kid, because obviously then you like zoom out and it's all happening inside the Tamagotchi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the end of the movie is the kid like pushing a pencil into the button. You can push at the back, you know, Tamagocchi's.

It like resets the Tamagotchi. Well, they have to try and convince the big pencil not to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also on the poster, one of the Tamagocchi is posing with her arms folded and one eyebrow raised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it's an animated film. Yeah, yeah. They have to look a little cheeky.

So the pencil's the villain. Mm, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. And it's quite like they're trying to convince that God from their point of view not to reset them. Yeah. Even though they keep shitting. And the pencil's English. In the real.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a pencil. They've got a sort of AI, Tim Curry voice to do that. Yeah, yeah. They've convinced Tim Curry to sign over the rights that I generate. You know, it's the home alone two voice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The finest in New York. That's my favorite part of one. What do you say, said? Pizza. Yeah, I watched it recently. He doesn't know what pizza is. cheese, pizza, so good in that film.

Really good. He's probably the best part of that film. Yeah. I think, like, and it's a classic, every part of that film I love, but every time I watch it, I forget how good Tim Curry is in this movie.

It's just always, always interesting for listeners to know this is our second episode recording this day. I don't know how far apart the episodes are going to be, but this is also our second Home Alone 2 riff of the day. Wow. Yeah, second of the day. It's in the air.

And if you can figure out listeners, the two episodes that we recorded on the same day. Yeah. Tweet the off-menu podcast and the great Benito will send you a signed chopping board. Off-menu jigsaw. Off-menu jigsaw. If listeners can place episodes in the order in which they were recorded, that's a big prize, though, for a full year for episodes.

Yeah. That's good. For a full year, it's got to be... If someone can take this whole series that we're doing now, put them in the order that they were recorded and send them in, do you know what? I'm going to say it. Ed and I will also sign the chopping board.

Hang on. So in the past one, we've been promising signed chopping boards, which have never been sent to anyone. Are you imagining it's just Ben who signed the chopping board? Yes. Oh, excuse. I thought that went about saying Belito signs the chopping board. He sent it to them.

He thought that as well. And he did do it once. And that's what he did. He just signed Great Benito and he sent it to them. That's fine. But if someone gets the whole of this series in order, we will sign it and we will try and get as many guests who have been on the podcast, that series,

including Pierre. Yeah. To sign that chopin board. That means we have to get in contact with like 20 people. Yeah. Yeah. To sign a shopping board after they've been on the podcast. Benito is the one who's going to go to the anime.

Remember that. We don't have to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Go around London on a moped. Yeah. Just getting signatures. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely have to go to L.A. at some point. But you're not allowed to take anything apart from the chopping board. Yeah, you just have to take the chopping board. That's your luggage. Hand luggage.

Yeah. Enjoy the reaction of the security there. Yeah. We'll check it in. You can check it in. Yeah, you can check it in. want. No one's going to stop you from checking it in. Yes, take a shrapi.

Oh, check the board in and take the pen as hand luggage. Yeah, that's your hand luggage. That's your hand luggage. Go on with that. Pop it in the overhead compartment. Yeah, yeah. You're not allowed to keep it anywhere else. You have to put it in the overhead. You have to insist on going to the overhead. These are all the rules for you beneath them.

Yeah, there you go. Got it. Didn't write any of that. This is only if someone gets them all in the right order. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big challenge. Did you use a Sharpie when writing your book, Pierre? Ah! Not the best link you've ever. done because who would use a Sharpie to write a book?

Big book. Huge font. How many pages? Well, a lot of pages, but it's not a long book. Yeah. You're sending it off to your publisher going, I've written 500 pages. Like, Pierre, it's eight words. Yeah, you're symbol them. When you're trying to print something too big on only A4. What comes out in little segments? It's like a birthday banner.

I do, I had a Sharpie with me during the fringe to sign it if anyone wanted it signed after the show. Nice. Because Monkey Barrel were kind of enough to let me sell it. Yeah. That would have been a better link. That was nice. A better link would have been,

and have you signed copies of your new book, Pierre? Why can't I just enjoy things? Yes. The name of the book. It's a fantastic book. Yeah, that's not Ed out loud. Thank you. Out loud.

Well, Ed. I also feel like that. It's not what the podcast has come to. Midway for an episode. Yes. Why can't I just enjoy things? The subtitle, a comedian's guide to autism. I tried to do a 101 book because I got diagnosed at like 31, I think, around there.

and the books were like informative but very like medically written and quite serious. And also mainly they were written like they were talking to your parents. Right. So you're going to, it's not the most friendly way to. Yeah. It's not fun either. And also I thought, everything ends with pass it on. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. So tell that little weird out to sharpen up. When was this written? The 90s. Sharpen up. Chapter three, pull your socks up. Yeah. Chapter four, just eat it.

just eat it yeah and so I thought that was my book yeah yeah to be fair if you make it funny then also like it's not as hard as sell for like your your

reluctant relative or partner to read right you'd be like no no it's funny like sugar the pill yeah yeah so that was the plan and have you have you had much like since it's been out in the world you must have had people like

get in touch and say yeah what effect or how they found it and like yeah is there any thing that sticks in your mind it is like, oh, good, that's exactly what I wanted, and that's, you know. I've had a few handwritten letters, and one, the guy sent a letter that was very nice and very, like, profound about his own life. And he attached pictures, little polaroids, and this is nice.

It might sound sinister, like, polaroids of his kids. And he's like, these are my kids, and they're both autistic and now I know I am. I can be nicer to them, you know, what I had. So did he sort of, did his diagnosis start with reading your book? He read the book When he realized how similar his issues as a kid were to his kids Right, okay Like live now

A lot of middle-aged men find out that way Yeah Where they go to somewhere because their kids having a hard time And the doctor describes a bunch of stuff And they go, but that's normal But that's life, isn't it? Yeah. So I get a message from someone Like mainly it's like DMs or something

Once every two or three days, I think on average. Sometimes you get a bunch in a row and yeah, a few handwritten letters. It's very nice. It does make comedy seem a bit more shallow. You don't get a handwritten letter of the picture of someone's kids going, they're going to enjoy bum jokes

just as much as I wish I'd done. Thanks to your bum joke show. Well, speaking of comedy, you are on tour as well. That's a good link. That's good. Yeah. That was good. But we've been through it how.

It's not a good link if you say it's a good link. Do you remember? But that's normal. Yeah. The show is fantastic. Thank you. And there's a long story in it about beef. Yeah.

Which is on brand. Yeah. You arrived here with beef, of course. I did, yeah. Well, it's like a cowboy in his gun, isn't it? I can't go anywhere without it. So it's my safe thing. It makes you feel safe.

It's like you're constantly worried that you're going to be searched by the beef police. The beef police, yeah, yeah. But the beef police, in this context, they need you to have beef. Beef, yeah. They're not policing, but they're policing non-beef. They're policing non-beef. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Sergeant Mince.

Sergeant Sarsson. Sergeant Sossage, of course. Reports to May amends. In the beef police. Yeah. They stink. Yeah, every time I go somewhere, I think, are they going to have beef there? Yeah.

That's the first question I asked. Yeah, planning my life. Are they going to have beef there? Yeah. I bring my own. Are you eating a lot of beef? on tour? I try not. I try not to, but you know, you know what it's like when you've done a tour show, one that's finished, it maybe unusually early and you're in a major city where you can

maybe have something nice as opposed to something terrible late at night and you think, I could have a massaman curry. Yeah, sure. Right now. Instead of staring at the art choices of whatever I best saw. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough to resist. I've been told to eat more. beef. Yeah? What the fuck? Yeah. I know you're speaking my language.

Yeah, I've been told that I don't get enough iron. I'd kill for that. And they said just a couple of times a week, just like, you know, if you want to have a steak or something, you should probably do something like that. You got a beef prescription? I was like, let me see some credentials. Because I was like,

this is an old Texan doctor. Yeah. Well? I think you need a little more beef. You get it roo in the background. What's that noise? on a cattle thub. No, no, that's a patient.

I'm being very unprofessional. That's someone who's had too much beef. So I'm balanced. I go both ways. I'm telling him to eat less and you to eat more. Yeah. But you're quite a pale man. Is that what it is?

I think so. You need to look more red than the face. This was like a Zoom consultation with a nutritionist who was able to say to me, are you getting enough iron Are you getting enough iron in your tyre? You don't look From the form you filled out And looking at you over Zoom

I think you are not getting enough iron in your tyre It's odd to me that they didn't Say get an iron supplement Well I do have that I was prescribed that as well Yeah She said you need to start doing multivitamins Have this one

Yeah It's have an iron in it But they were like You know If you could just Every now and again just like get a steak because we're going through like

what I have protein wise. Yeah. And I was just like, I just don't ever really have. I said I went for a big steak phase in like 2015. Yeah. Yeah. Where like I suddenly got into steak and I couldn't stop eating them. And then got to the point where I was like, what the hell am I doing?

This is insane. I have to stop. Prescribed beef over Zoom as like a modern Tom White's or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's from Singapore. Prescribed beef of Zoom by a quote. whilst I was playing some tin cans in the back. Yeah, yeah.

I wish I could. That's a great Zoom call to have. Yeah, that bit of a conversation. You and I are never having that conversation with anyone. No one's good. If anyone tells us to eat more beef, it's sarcasm. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's how I pronounce that word. Yeah, sarcasm. Yeah, yeah. I love when people do that. The only way anyone's telling me to eat more beef is if they're like, you've got to eat a huge bit of beef just to try and drive the rest of the beef through the arteries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of a shock to the system.

The only thing that can fix this beef is the bigger beef. It's like Alien versus Predator in there. It's like when Homer gets stuck in the slide and they send all the kids down. You have what we call beef-dependent organs, and now that you've had this much beef over such a long time, to cut you off now would kill you. You have to microdice beef for the rest of your life.

Little meatball. Yeah, little meatball in the morning. Like a pill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A meatball in a capsule. It just dissolves. Yeah. Or just that someone blowpiping it into your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight in there. Yeah. Beef assassin.

A beef assassin. That's what the beef bullies are for. Yeah. They're doing their best. It was like Jack the Ripper, you know, they're humiliated by this guy. Before we get into the menu, yeah, yeah. Are you much for foodie? Yeah, yes and no. So, I think there's three categories and I'm in the middle. There's people who, it's just like fuel, the Joel Domit's. Sure. Where in an ideal world, he would have access to like a kind of Costco version of how they create the NASA food. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Toothouse. Everything's got a toothpaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd love a meatball. Oh, he'd love it. Oh, he'd love it. Yeah, yeah. And one that is just so dry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A turkey mince meatball.

Oh, God. If you've ever tried to make those. Yes. Just end up adding fat back in. Yeah, yeah. Waste of time. So there's people like that, and then there's pure foodies. And I definitely would put Ed in that category, James probably as well, where pretty much every time you have a meal, you think, well, why not make it nice? Yes. It could just be nice. Yeah.

The trouble with me is that I can't be trusted, right? Because when I start thinking, why not make it nice? Then suddenly every day is boxing day. Yeah. I'm like the food version of someone who can't have one beer. Yeah. It's just I can't. So when I go to a restaurant, I am a foodie.

or when I'm planning to be a foodie, or having people over, I'll stay up till the other day I stayed up till like 2 a.m. Dicing the ingredients for like a big pie. Made a big, like a real witch's pie, you know, from a fairy teller. Like a desperate damn pie. Oh, yeah, it looked great. Brushing egg on that thing. Yeah.

Absolutely. Then I'll do that. But the rest of the time, in order to keep myself just fitting in my own clothes, I have to eat more like Joel Domit. So I'm half and halving it. Yeah. So I've got high. So with the restaurants, it's fine because someone else is in control of the portions.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. And they know when they are going to stop adding butter. Yeah. Well, there's no real point where I ever feel like there's enough butter on toast. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, until the crust is soaked. Yeah. You could add more.

There's no limit on it, you know. Yeah. I can't, oh, yeah, no. So I have to, at home, I try and not keep too many nice things in the house. No, I think we are quite similar, Pierre. I think we might be in the same category. We always start with still have sparkling mortup, yeah. Sparkling, I think, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to disrupt whatever's happening in the mouth between bites. I think. But I've got an issue with Fizz. I don't know if you guys do this, but I only know one other person who does this consistently, or have heard of them doing it, and they're also autistic, so it might be a mouth texture thing. Diet Coke is my favorite drink of all drinks, but to my detriment, you know, I just think it tastes like the future.

Yeah. It's like drinking the inside of a robot's mind. Yeah, that's fair enough. But I defizz it by like 30%. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. It's, how are you defizzing?

What's your defizzing method? I've got a patented, if it's in a bottle. Yeah. A series of careful shakes and hissers. Shakes and release. Shake and release. Yeah. Tip it, tip it to try and, you know, get the bubbles back down again.

Shake and release. Do that like three times. Can is harder. Hopefully you're somewhere where you've got a coffee stirer. Yeah. You stick that in. little swizz. Now you're,

you're swizz it around, or do you just put it in there? Put it in there and swizz it around. Like you're stirring the Diet Coke. You could do glass to glass as a defizzing method. That's true, and you'd feel like an alchemist.

I used to have to do that, and you can really get the height going with how you're pouring it. I saw someone fuck that up when it's the best thing. See the cocktail, do the whole thing, and they used to do the floor, then I used to do that for when I worked in a pub

for one of the regulars who didn't want his high, to be fizzy. Oh, really? So I had to get two glasses, pour a pint of Heineken, pour it into the glass, pour it back into the glass to take some fizz off the Heineken. Fully take the fizz, or just a little...

A little bit. A little haircut. I think he would just leave it for ages as well, yeah. Yeah. He knew. It doesn't even... It was not a nice pub. Flat lager.

Still, if you're going to be that fussy. Yeah. Flat lager, yeah. Yeah, if you're going to order a hynican, buddy. Yeah, but I've since, you know, since found out just now, it might have been... Your own own television. Well, that's true, yeah.

It might have been a mouth texture. It's in that guy. Come up in the book. Yeah, yeah. Read it in whatever frightening pub is in now. Yeah, in the corner of the pub. Going, what? Oh!

Every now and then. Between sips of post-house party flat Heineken. Calling his mates over. I think you might want to meet this. Do you want the sparkling water defizzed a bit? A little bit. Yeah. But I would like it to taste like a cave.

I like it when it's really... It's not just normal water with fizz in it. Yeah, yeah. There's minerality. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Someone's dropped a chalk thing from a blackboard in there. Overnight, that's what I want.

Are there like stalactites in the cave? Is that a kind of cave or just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. People go on tours there, walk around. Yeah. They try and remember which is stalactites and which is stalagmites. Yes. There's always, there's normally a sort of chart or something in a cave.

If you're going on a tour, it'll tell you which ones which. Yes, yeah, yeah. Stalicites are holding tightly to the... the ceiling. Oh, nice. Yeah. I just remember Harry Hill, but

yeah. Stalekites. Stelligites. Yeah. What a great legacy. Yeah. Yeah. Does it leave one thing behind?

I went through a phase of watching YouTube videos of people who've got trapped in caves. Oh, yeah. It's my worst nightmare. I can't. It's genuinely my worst nightmare. I can't watch videos of them succeeding.

Yeah. It is like scariest one. It's a guy. who had, you know, gone caving. Is this the nutty-butty one or whatever? Yeah. No. The famous one where they couldn't get him out.

Well, they couldn't get him out. He was head down. Head down. Jesus, Moses Christ. Yeah, it's about like breaking his legs at the knee to try and get him out. Just die. Yeah. It's so fucking bad.

So hard to explain. Don't call it spolunking. That sounds so fun. Spelancing sounds, yeah, like it involves trampolines. Yeah. This is not spolunking. This should just be called. Death wish.

Death wish. Yeah. Hades Finding Hades I'm just love to do a Hades Death Wish, do you want to come? No, I'm all right, thanks mate No, but I'm glad they called it that

So that I can pass immediately We call it the fucking trampoline gumdrop Challenge Yeah Yeah, I'll come to them Yeah, I'll come, what the hell is this? I've got to squeeze into a space that's smaller than me Spelunking is like a Dr. Seuss thing

Yeah Little hairy creatures of machines that cover in horns and springs and things Oh, it's horrible It's just in matter of, I know this isn't exactly what people tune in to this podcast to hear this because I've just remembered the guy getting trapped

head down, just the amount of fingers that you start. Like I, every time I've made a mistake in life that cannot be undone and I am now in trouble whatever the thing is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so much why did I do that? I think about the little decision,

the split second decision, and think if I could just go back in time and not do that, imagine what my life would be like now. Imagine that. If I was, the amount of time he was upside down headfirst in that cave. The amount of time you've got to think to yourself, why did I not just check if that was the right way? Because you've gone the wrong way.

And why did I, when I thought, oh, this is a bit narrow, why didn't I just take a second to make sure? Why did I carry on? And now all the bloods rushed to my head. I'm upside down in the fucking cave. And everyone keeps trying to get me out. And I really don't feel like I'm going to get out of it. Also, I'd be going, I hope I don't get out of here, because this is so embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would still want to get out. Fair enough, different people. Different guys. I would get out, and then if I was as embarrassed, as you say, I would just go out of the cave. Thank you for asking me. And say to all my friends and family have turned up because they were hoping I was going to get out of the cave. It's been nice to know you guys.

I'm going to go and live a new life now. I'm too embarrassed. I can't see any of you ever again. I'm really glad I got out of the cave, but I'm not going to... We're done. You wouldn't live in a field. You wouldn't style it out. You wouldn't go,

it was just getting good in there. Yeah, yeah. I was loving it. And you guys were a bunch of wimps. You guys are the ones who panicked. I was about to figure it all out. I was Spalunkin. Bright red,

because all the blood's in your head. Yeah, yeah. Your whole body withered and pale. Just as a huge bloody head. Me spending the wrong way like a grassy. I liked it. Pop-n-absor bread. Pop-obsor bread.

Pop-Obs-bent. It's got to be bread for me Here's what's great about this We've had many many meals together So I know if you're lying It's true Yes You guys are big

You're in a gang Spooky little club Yeah we're in a spooky club You're in a spooky little club We're going for dinner A lot Same group of us go for dinner a lot Yeah yeah yeah

And get absolutely hammed It's always like I always tend to see Ed the day before For some of me Just coincidentally What you're doing Oh I'm going out with the With the wine gang

Yeah going away for the weekend. All right. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be sensible, though, this weekend. I've been, you know, really healthy lately. I've been really on top of stuff. And I do want to maintain that.

And I think it'll be quite quiet. And I was like, well, you're going to like, Wang and Pierre and Ollie and people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to, I'm just going to keep it. And just say Freddie, because he's the last one. He'll be absolutely got to be messed out. Freddie's going to be there. And then, and then, like, literally, Ed will go, see you later.

And it's like, Ed walks up the door. The door swings. and then by the time it swung shut, he sent me a text of all of you fucking hammered. Here we are, and I've never seen any group of people look more clearly drunk in my life. It's always just like...

The red man. Some of you are trying to look sober. Some of you are not, and they're just like going, whatever. We know what's going on here. And it's always not even trying. And it's always trying to communicate in the photo how drunk he is.

Just smiling at the camera really pleased himself. And there's always like a humongous bottle of wine or some like ridiculous, like a pig's head or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the middle of the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like a Henry the age diagram. Yeah. And Ollie's like this like dad or like, like, really a big, big mum who just like breastfeeds their children wine.

Where is? Like it seems to be that's what's going on in your group. It's one red, one white. Yeah, yeah. He's just there with you all just pumping you're full of wine constantly. and that's the gang. I do like the updates. Like, I love the meals.

I love the wine. What I can't deal with anymore, I think I am more of a lightweight as I get older. What I can't deal with any more is pints before and pints after. That is an absolute kiss of death to me. Pints after, I feel like they're more dangerous

because we're going from wine to beer. Yeah. And if you go from stronger to weaker, it just is like nothing. Yeah. And that's a mistake. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. It is funny, though.

There are, like, in those pictures, there's like an amount of empty bottles on the table that doesn't match up with the amount of people who are there. No, not at all. And you'd be, like, props from a school play trying to suggest, like, how much wine to grown-ups drink? Three or four bottles each, I imagine. Completely inaccurate looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you guys are nuts. I'm amazed that I remember.

Brett, sorry, yeah. I'm amazed I remember anywhere we've been. Yeah. But what were you going to say? You say we can bring for a few meals together. So what's surprising about the bread? No, it wasn't surprising. I was like, oh, I'm not really into bread.

I'll be like, shut up. Yeah. Don't style this out. You know, you can't at any point lie on this podcast. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a CIA. Yeah.

A whole wired up, hooked up. Straight in. Ed's the polygraph. Yes. I'd never been to an Indian restaurant until I was over 18, until I was at uni, because my parents can't deal with spice of any kind. And there wasn't really one where I grew up madly. Maybe they was, but it just never came up as a thing.

The Isle of Man for the listeners. The Isle of Man, yeah. So I moved to the Isle of Man from South Africa. It was a normal thing to have done. Yeah. And so we just never done it. Like, I'd had things like that, but, like, I wasn't conversant. And I remember sort of having to, like, learn as an adult.

Like, I don't know what the difference between a madras and a boonet is. Like, I try to try everything and figure it all out. And I do like Papadums, but there's less variety. And I've been to a couple of restaurants where something that they do where I just think, this is dangerous, is it's not just they give you a roll, but there's a whole bread basket. And there's like a very dark, like almost sweet rye slice. And there's a pretzel one. Yeah. It's got that shine.

And then there's white potato sour dough. And then there's like, just like bog standard like baguette. piece, just all this array and all the places now are doing like whipped anchovy butter. So you can have like normal butter, whipped anchovy butter, the olive oil, the balsamic. Oh man. Yeah. I'm losing my mind.

And you want these warm? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm and in a kind of a rustic basket. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you want to have wove the basket? Wove the basket. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah.

I want them to have done it. What's he going to sound like when he weaves the basket, James? my name is Andrew Hello hello hello I'm weaving a basket and it's time to go Yeah that's exactly it I have to remember the song for a second Uncanny luckily I remember the whole song

I love a song with it So it looks like hello hello Hello hello Yeah good Do you want them to bring the whole basket And put it on the table in front of you Or do you want them to do the thing Where they come around with a selection of bread

and go, would you like some bread? Which one would you like? No, I hate that. Yeah, I thought you might hate that. Yeah, I want to say to them, don't toy with me. Leave me with the basket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the bread version of leave the bottle from a detective movie.

Yeah. Leave the bottle. Don't, I want all of the, leave it. I want all of the bread. I want the one of the seeds. I want the one that's from Denmark. I want all the bread. I want that's from Denmark.

Yeah, yeah. It's not messing around, of course. Just put it, put it out. I'll pull it out of all the different types of butter. Very good, sir. That's what they said. I'll tell the baker. I want the butter, I want the whipped anchovy stuff and all the fancy ones,

but I want the normal, the plain butter to be from Outer Man creameries. Ah. Out of Man butter is, it's as good in my head as Irish butter is to Irish people. Kerry Gold and stuff. I mean, they're very similar places geographically. It's really good. No, you were saying, the standard of butter.

Before we started recording, you were saying you're a second South African guest. Yes. after JoJo. Yes, Jojo. I think you might also be our second guest who's grown up on the Isle of Man. No. Oh, no, maybe it's Isle of White.

Joe Locke. Joe Locke. It might be Isle of Man, actually. Will you check? Ooh. I'm not sure. This really, I'm not sure. I've got excited by Iron Man.

I was right? I doubted myself. Joe Locke. So I think you're a second Isle of Man, second South African in the same effort, in one man. Yeah. Yeah, combined.

Yeah. Like Jojo and Joe Locke. have done that Dragon Ball Z finger-touching thing, and I've popped out. Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo-Joe. Joe-Joe-Joe-Joe-Joe-Lo. And we've got no shout-outs for the butter during that episode. Well, did he mention the seafood?

We mainly talked about him having a fake assistant. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah. I'm not a big seafood guy, but I've always been told how good the seafood is on the Isle of Man. And it was backed up by your friend and mine, Phil Wang, because I was doing a gig there with Phil and Chloe Pets, and we went and did a gig there.

And Phil just went to some high street place in Douglas, I'm not sure where. And he just had like a seafood pastor maybe or something. He was blown away by it. Oh, wow. And he's a man of delicate princely taste. So I trust him. Queenies are from the Isle of Man. That's a big thing.

They're like massive scallops. Yeah. They're from like the water's very, very clean. So I think maybe that's part of it. And Locton Lamb, you'd like Locton Lam's there because they've got four horns and they look like the devil. Their skulls look like the devil's skull I'd love that Yeah they look really frat

It's a new tattoo for Really rare lamb I've seen Queenies And Manx Queenies and Manx Locht and Lamb On pretentious menus before Oh really So someone out there is You know in London or Paris

Is flying these things in and they've got a good reputation But yeah I'm not It's wasted on me I'm not a big seafood guy So yeah that's where I don't want the butter to be from What do you think about when Phil got trapped in the snowman costume Do you hear about that? No No

What? Big deal, big deal over Christmas. You're trapped in the snowman car. Yeah, yeah, my parents were texting me about it because it was on some TV show they watch. Some like, you know. That's such a death of terrestrial TV.

You know, one of those parents. One of the ones where you've got to watch it at the time it's on. Do you remember those? A detective drama. Yeah. Like one of those ones. Yeah.

And it's like on his seaside town or something and there's like, you know, a detective knocking about. Yes, yeah, yeah. And just one of the, you know, I don't think I'm doing fill down by saying I think it was the C plot. I mean, it doesn't sound like the A plot. You can see why terrestrial tellies on its way out.

Someone sabotage your snowman. Do you have any enemies? Yeah. Which is a cringe, but yeah. But yeah, he's someone for the whole episode is knocking around the station in a snowman outfit and they're there because they can't get out of it. And they're trapped in it.

And every now and again you go back to them. they're chatting to people and stuff. And my mum said it was so brilliant at the end where they finally get, pull the snowman's head off and it's Phil Wang. Are you sure they weren't watching the Masked Singer and got really mixed up? Yeah.

She went to the toilet, your dad turned it over. Wow, Phil Wang's on it. The detective's got a velvet jacket. Yeah. Yeah. But like, yeah, she was, I'm, but obviously, my mom is like, it was so great. It was Phil Wang the whole time. He was so brilliant. She said, he was so convincing the whole time. just so convincing as a snowman someone stuck in a snowman outfit. Obviously my dad's response is just I don't think it was him the whole time. I think Phil got someone else to just do all the scenes where he's got the snowman head on

and then he probably only did the scene where they took it off. So obviously I had to text Phil and go my parents are having a debate about this and Phil was like, it was me the whole time. And I was like, well, wow, you proved my dad wrong, but probably the first time someone's proved my dad wrong and I've lost respect for them.

I think. Normally, you beat my dad, but I was like, well, dad. But I was like, well, you're in the slow enough for the whole day. That is weird. Why'd you agree to that? Why'd you do that? What'd be crazy. You're in Wonka.

You're in Wonka, man. I hope he'd sellotaped an iPad to the snowman's in the face. So you can at least watch stuff. Hang out and just, yeah. My God. Yeah, you can FaceTime the group. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys.

What do we know we know, it's going to get him a lot. I'm going to snobin' out of him. Absolutely gasping with some wine. Snowman's just, muttering about wine. Ollie would have given me some wine by now. What did you say? Snowman?

Nothing. Your dream starter, your menu proper now. So, choosing stuff like this, it's a difficult choice between... My thing when I go to a restaurant is always never anything I can do myself. Yeah. Otherwise, why am I here? Yeah. And also with something like this in my dream restaurant, it's very tempting to fill the entire

thing with, like, nostalgia choices. So this is my nostalgia choice, is the starter. That's what I'm spending it on. Yeah. Nostalgia. When I was a kid, my mom would always make me an in hindsight, autistically specific type of cheese on toast. So it's like a slice of normal bread, normal cheese. And then as a kid, I'd watched Conan the Barbarian, the cartoon, not the quite adult film.

There was a mad cartoon from the 80s that was on TV in South Africa that I was a obsessed with. And there was a lot of grinding of herbs and potions and things. So I was like a potions kid. I know exactly what you mean by potions kid. I think we're all potions kids, right? We're probably all potions kids. I like potions, sure. I try to make George's

marvelous medicine. Say it. Exactly. So yeah. Finggo-bang. We've got so much trouble with Alex Rosedale's mum. We raided a medicine cupboard. Oh, God, really. I don't get my dad to drink it. There was bleaching it. Bleaching it.

Me, my friend, my friend George, that's why we did it. Yeah, of course. If your friend's called George. At a birthday party at his house. Farn, bleach. Yeah. Well, that's one of the things we put in there. Yeah, well, I mean, to my dad, drink that.

He was like... It's blue. You made it blue. It has to be blue, yeah. I'll be like, no, it's fine, dad, snickering. It'll shrink you. It really got told off. Yeah.

Yeah. He tried to kill his dad. Yeah. I think mine was stuck with mainly like, I think it was made pretty clear to me to try not to make any medicine from under the sink. Yeah. But I did waste, I think, a lot of nice bathroom products created mad revolting potions. But the herb aspect, I was very entranced by the spice rack.

The idea of like mystical leaves that you can add to things that can change them. I thought that was great. So cooking is like potions. Exactly. Add these herbs. Yeah. Ah. You know, it'll protect you against the snake king or whatever.

Brackle's make the stew nicer. Yeah, either way. Yeah, yeah. Both good. And I was obsessed with, I think maybe it was just the one that my mom had the most of, so she was like, whatever. So cheese on toast, normal oregano. It's also the one best one for cheese on toast. It's dried oregano from the shaker, shaking it on the magic herbs.

Just make cheese on toast basically into pizza, essentially. Yeah, it's like, exactly. It's like ready-made pizza flamethring on the nose. And then sliced sort of discs of like cheap, you know, Frankfurters, like cheap hot dogs. Oh, this is a piece. Yeah. And they're like arranged, you know, in like... This is where the autistic stuff comes in.

Spot where the autism comes in. It's like a hazard awareness test. And they are arranged. They are. Perfectly symmetrical. Yes. In like a chessboard formation. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. You're really doubling down on this. Loads of toothpicks. And a dot, I would put a dot of ketchup on each... Great. So it tastes the same each bite Yeah It tastes the same in each bite

And you have Each bite has one Frankfurter thing in it Yeah So you're like eating it like chocolate in squares Yeah Yeah God forbid you accidentally

Take two bigger bite And take half a piece Of Frankfurt Oh my God Yeah Oh my God Yeah All in the bin

On top of the stilton Every follow Yeah Oh Go on Sorry mother No If that happens

Then every subsequent bite Has to be like that To balance the house Yeah Of course. Yeah. Yeah. And will the maths add up by the end?

Will the final bite be a miserable, frankfertilus corner? Only time will tell. So that's, my mum's name is Claire. I'm going to call that Clairbit. South African Claire Bit. Yes, please. Claire bit. Yeah, Claire bit.

Yeah, that's good. South African Claire bit. South African Claire bit. That's my starter. I'm having a, for my starter, I'm trying to turn myself into the ratatooy food critic. Yeah. I can have my psychic flashback moment. It'd be so funny if in the film Rattitude,

it wasn't Rattitude that did it, but it was South African Claire. People watching it going, what is that? What's that from something? But then the film would have to be called it as well. The film would be called South African Claire. Which doesn't make sense because there's no rat.

Where's the rat pun? I'm like, bit like, that's good bite you? Like a bit. Claire bit? Bit by the rat? Bit by the rat. Is it a rat called Claire? I think if you put it in with enough authority,

because it's all set in France, people would go, oh, I guess it's some French thing. Yeah, yeah. And then you find out, no, it's that the food critic is South African. Yeah. Growing up in South Africa,

their mum, Claire, used to cook them. Very specific cheese on toast. That cat would be a lot longer. Yeah, it's so long. And then the rat somehow knows about this. Yeah, the rat found it out. Or the rat had the same upbringing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The rat's psychic or something. Yeah. You can't control people with their hair like that. Yeah, yeah. I think what's happening is the rats. It's got some weird like avatar thing when he grabs your hand, he's like plugged into your brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I, like, you know, we've gone on a record many times saying how much I love ratatooie. Everyone says, like, just a perfect film. And it is, but you can't control people by pulling that. No, let's be honest. That is the only thing. But I'm getting it's a cartoon and we have to do a leap

and it's a talking rat and a loads of talking rats and all of this and obviously it's just a laugh. Yeah. But that leap, I'd say it's bigger than the rest of the lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a huge leap. Yeah.

Like, you just have to just immediately go, well, I'm just going to accept that. I don't know, man, I'd say talking right is a big leap too. Oh, you're used to that in cartoons. That's true. In cartoons, yeah. It's got more present. Yeah, so as soon as you're in a cartoon, I assume the animals can talk. Yeah.

Yeah. It's scary if they were acting like actual rats. Yeah, you'd be more worried by the ones that aren't talking. Look like people's hair and stuff. Then it would be like, I'll be on the side of everyone in that kitchen. Get them out. Yeah. Get them out at the kitchen.

this is awful. Yeah, they can't choose when to go to the toilet. They shouldn't be in a kitchen. That's never addressed. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy how much like the head chef is just like he's the bad guy and Democci doesn't want a rat in the kitchen. Yeah, he's just completely right. Yeah.

Oh, he's 100% right. Oh, yeah. Especially on one of his chef's heads. Yeah. They end of getting him sectioned or something at the end of it. They fully castlighting to the point where it's just like he's sectioned. It's like when you get older and you are. all those kids' films and the dad is like working too much.

Yeah, yeah. They've got this huge American house. You're like, kid, do you want to live in that? The dream main course. Dream main course. So, there's been a lot of steak choices. And is it a coincidence that one of your most prominent autistic guests, Dan Aykroyd, chose basically what I wanted to do. I was fuck when you chose it. Big mixed grill, all that?

Oh, yeah. Man, I was annoyed. But you can still have that. Yeah, but you want to leave your own mark on things. You want to be... You are very much like Ed. Yeah. Yeah.

This is Ed as well. I order the same thing that someone else has ordered. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I try to not do that anymore because now that's become a thing that people think I do. So I have to give myself a talking to before I go and eat with people. That if it happens, it's fine.

Because people will be like, oh, well, no, I won't order that because you're ordering that. And now you don't like that. So now I have to be like, I'm fine with it. it actually, I'm alright with it. Actually, I think it's brilliant. Yeah, but I don't know why you would. So there's not, I don't know why you'd want to do that. Resenting having to be on brand. Yeah. It's like fine, you can do it.

Just let you know, I think you're mad. When they say that to you, oh, you don't like it if I'm under that. Just slam the menu down and say, I'm not a cartoon character. Get really angry. I'm at gamble on my own man. I'm a real person. I'm a lovely boy. I'm not the same every day.

The character in South African Claibet So you want a big A Big Mix Grill? The main course is a brigh platter Ah Huh? So a brie is a South African barbecue

Oh BR double AI And I would like a kind of general Sort of sharing platter Of all the things that you would get On a bri So Sassatis are basically It's like a cabat

Like skewer Uh huh I honestly thought it was going to be sausages and I was going to tease you of making it up. Oh, sausages are coming. Societies. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, it's pronounced sausages, Pierre.

That would be funny. I'm very dry mouth. We thought you were saying loads of South African words, and actually you just have never learned how to say these English words. It's because they're very salty. I like these turkeys. The sausages. Can I have a plate of success.

This is his favourite. This is his favourite sort of. Claire bit as well. It's a word that is immediately funny to say in a stupid voice. I could do that all day. Shoshagi. Yeah, yeah. He loves it.

And I've heard him do that voice before. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really timid. Yeah. He's a plate of society. It's his favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to have to move on.

Otherwise, we'll get stuff on this. You know when you have like chicken satay? Satay is funny in that voice as well. Carry on, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little dehydrated mouth. Saté is the same word in Saucati, because the South African food's got a lot of like chutney

and sweet and sour and spice and things. A lot that's from Malaysia and Indonesia because the Dutch trade routes. So Saucati's are, that's the word for sauce and then satay. Same thing. Yeah, yeah. So you get a skewer and it will be like, Like, marinated, it's generally mutton, but it could be anything, whatever.

Yeah. And you've marinated and, like, fried chilies and garlic and tamarind. There's a lot of tamarind happening. Yeah. You put it on the skewer with dried apricots, red onions, peppers, and then you barbecue that. Amazing. So you just have a bunch of societies of whatever meat. Let's say loctin lamb.

Yes. Let's bring it back. Yeah, this is your two sides. My heart and have an infusion dish. Yeah. Nice. Oh, great. Restaurant shuts down.

This is it. days. If you were like on one of those cooking competition shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be something

that you would do and they would go. Oh, and speak about, because this is very personal to you, isn't you? Yes, yes,

yes. And you'd be able to speak about those. Is this fusion both of my cultures? Yes, yeah. Oh, exactly. I would do my long

nostalgic thing to try and put some emotional resonance inside some some food. Yes. And then it would cut to...

Well, you'd fail miserably because you'd start it by saying, ah, is this my time to put some emotional resonance into the food? Yes, and they'd say, cut back to a reaction shot clearly filmed on a different day.

Yeah, and also a picture of you when you were a kid that we slowly zoom in on. Yeah, like, but too slowly. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Societies, bourgeois. And now that is a sausage. Now we are talking about this. Yeah, yeah. So bourrevorce is like sort of, it's the closest thing.

It's like a cumberset sausage. It's in the big spiral. So you get a big spiral of it, but it's mainly beef, but you can mix in, people mix in certain amount of pork or lamb as well, sometimes both. And I knew a guy who would make his own, and he would mix in pork fat because it would liquefy, whereas lamb and beef fat sometimes it stays in those chunks, which are fine, that's fine.

But he would mix in fact that he knew would liquefine spread throughout the whole spiral. Because when you cut into a borough of horse, it's like, you want a bit of an explosion, right? You don't want to ever prick it or pop it or anything until it's ready to eat. And I would break my heart as a kid watching people like, These sausages are nearly done. I'll just pop them so all the juice leaves. Lovely evaporated juice.

Enjoy your dry cylinder. I would hate that. Break my heart. And I can never remember all the things that are in. Oh, yeah. That breaks my heart. That's how to break my heart. That's how to break my heart.

Burivores has in it, coriander, cloves, nutmeg, all-spice, dark vinegar or red wine vinegar, all mixed in. Those are the ingredients. So there's a slight vinegar aspect to it. Yeah. There's a bit more spice in it than you would think.

Spice brackets, exotic as opposed to spice brackets hot. You know, there's chili versions, garlic versions that are... Most definitely. All done on coals, ideally. You want that real carcinogenic flavour to it. Yeah. Real singed. Yeah.

Like, this is bad for me. It's like I'm smoking while I'm eating. Yeah. That's what I want. That's a true compliment to me, isn't it? Yeah. I feel like I'm having a fag. Yeah.

Let me step out this sausage. Like a big cigar. Absolutely. So, Sassati's boulevo's lamb chops, which here are expensive. Yeah. But in South Africa, which is just chops on the bribe would be like the easy, cheap thing. Yeah. Yeah, we'd have a curu, lamb.

That would be nice. Lamb chops with a lemon juice on. I can try and cut through that fat, because, I mean, they are fatty. I once went to a bribe where they had separate to all the beef and lamb, just two whole chickens that they did. One that had been marinated. in a kind of, quite quickly, because otherwise the lemon juice cooks the chicken. You get like chicken, what's the thing with fish?

Chicken saviets. You get chicken savić. Which is going to be on your death certificate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause of death, shot himself to death, but it's chicken saviche. No way. ate some chicken saviche and then went spolunking. He was upside down in a cave, firing liquid shit out of himself.

Drand himself. Yeah. Drounded his own shit. That would be a lesson tea Kids With a TikTok trend For Spalunking and chicken saviche That would have been that had been marinated

I think the longest you can really do It's like an hour or two Before it starts to get out of hand So like time and rosemary and lemon And the other one had been marinated All night in Perry Perry Because of course Nando's is South Africa Yes

Everything says Portuguese Yeah It's just a weird business With an aesthetic That confuses people that's all. But in South Africa, it's much more like McDonald's. Like, you'd go, like, Nando's, like, drive-thru.

You wouldn't sit in and do the whole thing. Really? Yeah. Nando's drive-thru. Yes, please. Yeah. Because it's Nando's. Is there a separate window on the drive-thru for cut the reading stuff?

I keep asking if you've driven here before. Yeah, yeah. Then on to the next one. Do you want olives. Yeah. All the different sources. Yeah. Every window.

Or you've got to go through, like, a car wash thing, and just hold the food up. to like school at the source of that. Yes. So you've got to have Perry Perry, I think. It's a national obsession. It's got to be on there. So wide range of meat. Am I missing anything else out? Can I have like the briacutra, the other things that come with the bri that

aren't the meat? Let's have them. Yeah. So like Pup, I think Jojo had Pup. His choice where it's like mealy flour kind of, it's like mashed potato, but from cornmeal flour. Yeah. So that's good. And like a very basic you can add chili if you want, but like just tomatoes

and red onion salsa. Yeah. That kind of thing. You've had Chakalaka. Yes, you've made Shacalaka. I made some Shacalaka and it ate it. Good? Yeah, it was lovely.

What is Shacala? Sort of beans in a kind of thick tomato and ginger and chili sauce. It's really nice. You can make it sweet by adding like apple chutney and stuff. Mrs. Ball's Chutney. That's the national brand, which is a very funny name. Yeah. Mrs.

Mrs. Balls. Oh, yeah. Mrs. Bulls Chutney. Yeah, that's fine. Going on about Ball's Chutney. Yeah. It's also my drag name. Mrs.

Mrs. Balls. Mrs. Balls. Just Mrs. Balls. I do Bulls chutney like a hyphen, like a double battles. Yeah, I mean, that's... Mrs. Bulls' chutney. That's really a better drag note. That's someone...

I was thinking Mrs. Bulls and then I wouldn't have to tuck properly. I could just... My thing could be my balls are always hanging out. Yeah. You're not getting booked very much. And you'd have to be addressed like Mrs. Bowles is on the label. Yeah. Early 1900s.

I'd be huge in Johannesburg. Like, I could just go over there and do all the drag clubs in Johannesburg. It gets enough. thing in the UK. Every now and then someone goes, oh, I've seen that. Yeah, there's that shop in Paddington Station. Oh, right.

I guess you look like the lady. What a weird thing. Ball's Chutney is a posh surname. Yeah. It's someone who's at the coronation. Yeah. And no one makes fun of them in those circles. No, no. No, no. Because they don't see why you're used to it. Yeah, yeah. If you pointed out it was funny, they'd take

a second and go, oh, yeah, I suppose. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I suppose. Probably not really the sort of things bring up at an event like this. You need to either be really polite or incredibly rude. It's the rules in that kind of event. Astoundingly self-confidently rude or like insanely jeeves perfect polite. Anything in between us not interesting.

It's like you don't know what you're doing. They want one or the other. Nothing funny about balls chutney? Excuse me, Lord Cuntington. Do you think there's anything funny about balls chutney? Great. I love the brie. I love the sound of all of this.

Yeah. You can absolutely have all of it. Yeah. There are little extras there. Are they your dream signs? Or do you want that as part of your main? Part of the main, yeah. Great.

And that's part of a kind of sharing platter aspect of it. And, you know, generic barbecue sides all around the world. Potato salad, Coleslaw. No salad. Because it is such a big. I'm not doing that. There's apricots on the society. Yeah.

You got your five a day with the apricots. Yeah. Who do you want at the barrage? Because, like, I think an event like that, I'm absolutely going to let you have all that different food, but I think I need to know that there were more people there. Yeah, I think... Because you got a...

It's a social event. Yes, I think that's right. I think eating that amount of meat, for me personally, if I was alone, I'd feel awful about it. What if you had a next to you, a little hobbit singing a sad song? Like Denethor. You know, I'd feel more easily eating the tomatoes and everything. I'd feel better about that, I guess.

But I think if I'm eating more than two meats, I need other people there. Yes, that's a good rule. Yeah. That's a good rule. And Bryce are social, you know. I had a teacher on the island of man who is South African. At the end of term, he would do like a big barbecue thing. But, I mean, he really, he got an oil drum, an old oil drum.

He cut it in half just with like a table saw. And he'd fill it with coals. and he'd like built himself from like bits of metal a spit. Wow. And he'd buy a whole lamb and cook it on an oil drum with like a really long handle that he like made. At what point during this did he get fired as a teacher? Promotion after promotion. Can't stop doing this in lessons.

You can get crackling off a lamb. Oh. And it's just so it's so salty and fatty and like it comes off in like little panels. Oh, it's good. Yeah. Yeah. If I could have something sprinkled on the bribe platter, it would be that lamb crackling from that. Powdered lamb crackling war from the in shards.

But it's not tough. It's like to get through like pork. Yeah. Here's a twist on the guests. Yes. You're allowed free guests and they all have to be called Brigh. Okay. So short for Brian.

Short for Brian's. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Or Brian. So Brian, I think Brian May is a vegetarian. So he doesn't want to come. I don't know if he is. He can invite him.

He's like playing the whole time. Yeah, yeah. I was once walking through Graves End and Kent did a gig there and I was walking back to the train station. And I heard someone like doing sick, like, will, wail, like Jimmy Hendrick stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, is someone like practicing with their window open or something? But it was winter.

So I thought, what is there fucking? And I looked around and I was walking past a restaurant where it was just the guy in the corner just whaling. Weill! It's like they're in restaurant music. That's funny. But he was doing like full on, like the guitar's about to burst into flame. Fucking sick. Solos, 70 stuff.

People are just like. Yeah, yeah. No one even fucking looking at it. People just hunched over lasagnas. Just people just slowly ignoring this incredible riffmaster. I just remembered. On my birthday,

my friend Graham had texted me and he said that he'd been listening to the police again. Oh, yeah. And the police. And he was like, oh, what kind of stuff you've been listening to? He said,

just keep listening to every breath you take all the time. And I was like, okay. and then I went out that night. Yeah. I went straight into a bar that night. And there was a guy in the corner playing every breath you take, which I never heard of someone do that musician.

So then I filmed it, sent it to Graham, going, what a coincidence. I've just realised now I've not got a reply to that. That was weeks ago. That was like over a week ago. So you have very dutifully replied to him saying, I'm listening to every breath you take a lot. Yeah.

And you'd be like, as a, because Veroni is like, all right. I'm doing your favorite thing. You've responded. You've found a video of it, and he's obviously gone, all right. Who cares? Yeah, who cares about that? You've got to give that at least a That's Mad. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you've got to give it a That's Mad or like a little shocked emoji or something. Can't Graham. Yeah. You can't. Yeah. Blanking, it's even worse than thumbs-upping in. Yeah. I've got nothing.

I've moved on to Fields of Gold now. Yeah, yeah. The solo stuff. I'm trying to think of famous Bryans. Yeah. Still on the Browns. Brian blessed. Brian blessed.

He is going to help him. He would love a bride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian's bride. He'd be all over that. Yeah, I'd be lipping apart those turkeys. So sartis! Yeah.

Yeah. So, sartis! Oh, that'd be brilliant. Did I ever tell you about the time I shut myself on Everest? Yes, Brian? Say it again. When you arrived, but we love the story. Don't me if it tastes like a Yeti or not.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely he's there, blessed him. Brian blessed us there. Is Brian blessed there? Is Brian made there? whaling on guitar. Sure. He'd be playing in the corner like that guy

he went to the restaurant. Yeah. He can eat what... He can have a salsa. I'm just assuming... Yeah, he can have the salsa. Yeah. Eat a chakalaka.

He can have the shakalaka. That's true. He can have the shackalaka and he can play boom chakalaka on the guitar. Yes, he can. I don't know if he's a vegetarian. Or chakaka. But he loves badgers so much.

I think he's either veggie or vegan, I think. He's got to be. Yeah, yeah. No one loves badgers that much and still eats meat. Yeah. That's my view. I can't hate budges.

Yeah. One of the only animal that is a cunt, I think. Comes across Bad and Wind of the Willers. Yeah. Standoffish. And so it gets worse in real life. They're not even dressed. Yeah.

Have some fucking respect. One chased me down the street. Yeah, they're aggressive, man. Yeah. I can't see Biddyo because he's behind a camera. Got to assume he's laughing at that. But he put his head in his hands because I called the badger a cunt. Yeah.

Yeah. But justifiable. Yeah. Chaste you. Horrible. It was a little clocking on the pavement. Chasing you. Yeah, we had a showdown.

I was walking back to my mum's house later night. It's in like suburban London. And it was just in front of me on the pavement. I was like, well, I'll keep walking because it'll run off because it's an animal. Yeah. And then it was like, nope, and came at me. Wow. Nails on the pavement.

I can't believe this. Clause. People wait outside badger sets for hours trying to catch a glimpse of a badger. You get, you run away for me. I'd across the road, yeah. If my mum was out walking in a badger, she'd have her fucking face ripped up. She would love it.

No, she wouldn't. If the badger ran at her like that, it was scary, man. She would stand there and be like, I can't be able to get to see a badger. She'd be the first person killed in a horror film about a badger. What if in that show... Hello, Badger, how are you? What if in that show of Trust and Faith,

the Badger's like sprinting up to your mum? And then it's just like, that stupid video where the lion recognizes the guy and just hugging it. Yeah. straight into a hug. Yeah, you didn't consider that, Ed. Yeah. I didn't consider that because I don't know.

I don't know your mum's history with badges, whether she brought up a baby badger, and now it's in the wild. I wouldn't put it past her either. She's a lovely woman. If you're listening, Mom, tweet the podcast with the answer to the question. Yep.

Anthony will send you a sign chopper board. Yes. Yeah. And we'll get a badger to scratch their signature in a lot. A badger will sign it. Yeah. We'll discover that Edmiss out on the chance of having a badge of going, Edward, how are you?

Yeah. Oh, you know, boy! Clathing you on the bagger. A little Narnia badger, just trying to get you to pick up arms and join the fight against the Queen. Honestly, if I went through Zanania and I didn't know Narnia was a thing, and that badger

came up to me, or who else was there, there's beavers and stuff. Yeah. I'd batter them, I'd, like, kick their heads off. Don't, Mr. Johnson to death. Just immediately they think, shut that cupboard. Yeah. They're really awful book. Awful book, if it was Ed.

Yeah. Well, there was a... Well, there was an Eddie went there, and he wasn't great. Yeah, he was easily swayed by the queen, which he would have straight away. I would be swayed so quickly, so hot. The Turkish delight. Hot goth, lady, giving me Turkish delight. Oh, mine is your dream. You're kidding me?

Hello. Hello, fit goth lady. Yes, yes, I'll get in your sled. No one has ever called the queen in Narnia fit. She's so thick. Are you kidding me? No one has ever talked about her in this way. I've never heard this.

She's so fit. I'm going to turn you down and live in a tunnel with some rats. And eat whatever they dig up from the frozen earth. Yeah. No, it's a better. I'd sell. We need one more Brigh before we can move on.

Brian Adams. Of course. Yeah. Are there any other famous Bryans that I'm forgetting? I've heard of Brian Clough. Don't know anything about football. Brian Cox.

Brian Cox. Brian Cox, of course. You've got both. You got two Brian Coxes. Of course. Have them both there. And then the succession one can have a shout-off

with Brian Blessed. Yeah. You can do the sausage. When I bring out the borough of us, he can shout sausages like it does in succession. And everyone will go, I saw you on this.

It's quite a loud party, really, isn't it? You got, whi-m-h-h-h-hound in the background. Oh, sausages! And then fuck us! It's the bellowing Brian's bribe. Yeah. Fantastic. What it is.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The dream side dish. So, I'm missing out a lot of stuff that I like in this, because it's a tough choice. Yes. I'm missing out how much I love Seshwan things. Yes. Tianan impression next to Arsenal Stadium.

I've never been, but I've heard. Wonderful thing. It's just so good. It's my cucumber. Yeah. I've learned so much about Chinese food genuinely through just going for dinner with Phil over and over again in my life. Chicken's feet, you know?

I mean, they're fine. Yeah. It's basically just chicken crackling on a creepy stick. Yeah, I think the only reason to eat chicken's feet is if you're with someone who would never eat chicken's feet and you show off to them. Yes, that's true. Yeah.

To sort of win them over to like the kind of food equivalent of that thing where you scare kids by pulling your thumb off. Yeah. Whoa, I'm willing to do this I got your nose, got your nose Crazy, yeah Got your chicken feet There used to be a place

When me and Phil were at uni together And it did, it was the first time I had salt and pepper chicken And it was like little, you know, battered chicken Kind of lumps Yeah, knock on nuggets Yeah And you know, tossed in chili and spring onions And garlic and all that

And it was so good And I want that but with Setschuan chili Oh yeah, nice Go a bit numb Yeah, yeah because I can't not put fried chicken somewhere in this. Yeah, yeah. It's just the best one.

Yeah. It's the best kind of chicken that there is. And as much as, you know, I am hitting some of my, my, my, my, my, my tastes for, for more like flavors from like Southeast Asia or whatever with the society is a little bit. And Mrs. Ball's chutney is around. Sure. Why know? Mrs. Ball is there. Looking over the garden fence.

Offering chutney from a mad fruit tree. I need to, yeah, I want the Session, chili. Yeah. pepper chicken. Beautiful. Yeah, I mean, I had some Setsuan fried chicken recently. Oh, man. And it was like a massive drumstick as well where I was just like, how was this a chicken? But like,

yeah, so good. Like, I wish it had been a whole chicken. When you're eating something and you're like, this is too big to be on the animal that I think it's from. Yeah. You're just like, you've got to ignore the backstory and just eat it, right? I'm not interested. Yeah. Just you're too late. It's too like, you're really hungry.

You just want to eat it. I don't know. I don't want to know what lab this is going from. You might never know. Well done, whoever invented this. Yeah. Fine, fine, fine. So we talked about going to like Disney World before and get the turkey leg. The turkey leg. He's like, I don't know. I think this might be a dog.

And it would not be a small dog from what I've seen, the pictures. It's not a handbag dog, is it? No, no, no, no. A handbag dog would be like one of those things you have to eat with the bones, like a sardine. Just eat the whole egg dog. Just crunch it all down. Just crunch it all down. It's nice.

The eyes get crispy. Well, I was a kid in school. There was like this story. I mean, there's a kid coming in and saying that somebody knows had a little chihuahua and a cat. And that they came down one morning and the cat was just sitting there. There's just a tail popping out of its mouth because it had eaten in the chihuahua. And I believed that for so long. And was like...

And did it slap it like spaghetti? Yeah, like it was just there. And just the tail up, just hanging out of his mouth on that. I don't know where he is. I still think about it. Every time I see one of those little dogs. Well, now I'm going to think about it. Yeah, yeah.

A cat swallowing a whole chihuahua. It's a chihuahua like that. And I think the story was like, yeah, they had loads of yapping from the kitchen and it got more and more intense. They went down to see what had happened. Yeah, and then the capping became muffled. Yeah.

From inside the cats, the burping cat. Yeah, the chihuahua's like, I guess if the tail's there, the chihuahua was like, Head first upside down, like it's gone caving. Yeah. Like they're just down the gullet. Like that, it's a trap. And it's thinking,

oh, if I just made one, one decision differently. Wish I hadn't done all that yapping. Just not yapped. I wish I hadn't dived directly into this cat's mouth. I hadn't spilunked into this cat. Also, it's quite close to the, it's not a long enough dog for the tail to. I don't think it's true, Pierre. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, right, yeah, that was the point. That's my. I was lying to by a kid at school I believed all the lies deceived did you yeah I got some Teenish Mutant Ninja Turtles bubble bath and I ran my mouth off about it

before I actually used it you know at school just like I got a bubble buff can't wait to use it home so called turtles and this could went I got a bubble buff I used it once

and the bubbles when they come up and rise up in the buff that bubbles rise up in the shape of the turtles and I was like Like something out of Fantasia. I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, just out of the bubbles. What do you mean?

Hang on. What? What were you talking about? Like, it was like, it's like their full bodies. He said, they come up. Such a stupid life. He said they've all got their weapons. So you can tell which one it is.

Yeah, otherwise you wouldn't know. Yeah, you can tell which one it is. And he was saying the pose is like, Raphael's got the foot, but it's like crossed the two fours. And I was like, what the, the, so. And you were slamming him up against the wall by his lapels. What do you mean? I'm like, I come.

believe this. You're like, you're going, Miss, I feel sick. I need to go home early because you're so desperate to have a bath. Just rolling in mud and break time. I remember, I remember being in the bath and just like, I want it to be in there as it happened. I didn't want to be seeing it from outside the bar. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sitting in there

in the warm, but. You're like one of the turtles, yeah. Yeah, I want to be... You're pouring that with a shaking hand as well. Oh, shit. I'm splinter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hanging out with these guys. Yeah. And the bubbles just come up. obviously normal.

Maybe there was a point where I tried to convince myself like this, a bit like Donny tally. But like that's at the top of his head. At the top of a turtle's head, he's coming, he's grounding. A bunch of fucking bubbles.

Never seen someone look so miserable in a bubble bath. Just sitting there, little kid, absolutely gutted. So much less than you were promised. Yeah. I remember going into school the next day. For some reason, and it's pretty on brand for me,

running across the playground, fell over. Yeah. Yeah. as on only time beneath us laughed all episodes yeah yeah

loves it as on face down in the playground that same kid runs up to me yeah and he kind of like jumps on my bucket

and I went you're right mate and I don't remember the rest of the conversation you must have laid it out to him why you weren't I must have gone

are you fucking kidding me yeah I sat in that bath and you know what I'm about to say don't even out like you don't

my fingertips are still wrinkled yeah yeah There's no turtles. Don't come up in the shape of the turtles. He would... He'd play me for a mug. If you're lying about that,

he's then just going to go like, oh, it's a different type or something. Yeah. My man paid for the special one. Yeah, mine's from America. Yeah. The circle bubbles you saw were the turtles in their shells. Yeah, yeah.

They were shy. They were still in their shells. Yeah, yeah. They were still in their shells. And that's what your parents only bought the shell ones. Kids doubled down on those kind of lies. Yeah, he would have doubled down,

stupid kid. If you're listening. You know who you are. Now, I don't often say this out loud on the podcast, but how did we get here? Chicken. Chicken.

Fried chicken. Fried chicken. Dog leg. Dog leg. Lies at school. Yes. Turtles bubble bath. Yes. We got it. The anatomy is there. All laid out. Easy. Right. Your dream drink, Pierre. It's difficult with a dream drink because if it's a wine, then it's only one wine. And there's a lot of different courses here.

And, you know, me and Ed are in a spooky little wine club. So there's a lot of options. There's a lot of wrongs and rights. Yes. What I do, I don't know if you do this, Ed, but what I try and do is I try and guess from my, like the things I half remember that Olly and Freddie have said about wine. Yeah.

But they always say it when we're drinking wine, so it doesn't show. Yeah, nothing ever stays. No, absolutely not. It's like a magic room. Yeah. If you go in the room, you know everything. The second you leave, the second you leave, you forget. Oh, is that a film?

Should, sure. Copy right. Okay. Yeah, it's mine. I absolutely love that. Also, I find, and this is not just with wine, but with... The severance is severance. With any...

Getting battered. I might have always hung over. Oh, you're allowed to drink at work? Yeah, yeah. Fuck sake. Any information now that is presents to me, not just with wine, when someone starts telling me something that I know they know about and I'd like to remember, my brain goes, no.

Really? No room. Your brain is like a bodyguard leaping in the way of the information. No, no room over capacity. So I'll just, if you're telling me anything, like, you know, you have lots of great facts, Pierre. Sure. You like to talk about it. Brackett's autism.

But genuinely interesting things. And I'm just, I will just do this. You're enjoying it like food. It's there, but then it's gone. That's all that's happening in my head. You're like in a saving private Ryan. Yeah. After the big explosion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. In your head, the little numskulls, like in the comic book, they're just weighing a box label like New Fact and a box label like WWF. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if you tell me something that happened in the 90s, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will remember that because I already knew that once. Yes, that's known as the Whittaker phenomenon.

Anything from the 90s? Yeah. It's just like a fucking time capture of the future. The only thing I can take in now is things I knew in the past, and I'm now being reminded of them. Yes, okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Eternal Sunshine of the Wrestling.

mine. Yeah, I'm basically blowing the dust of old memories. Yes, yes, yes. I'm going, oh, yeah, that. Ah, like an archaeologist. Look, I once knew of this man, the Undertaker. Yes. There's no dust on that guy.

He's forefront every day I wake up. Yeah, yeah. Just in case he's about to pop up. Yeah. It's all they'd think of. I'm scared of the Undertaker again. What I like to do is I think, what wine would work with this? And I try and see if I can get it right in my head and then I'll look it up.

and I'm sometimes, you know, there's broad brush rules that you can just learn and then that hard. Yes, this is the way Pierre approaches wine. Yeah. Like an exam. Yes. So the thing with taste is,

you know, who are we to say what you can smell or taste in something? Yes. But what Pierre will do is it'll go, I'm getting a bit of vanilla, there's quite a lot of oak on that. There's berries, sort of red fruits,

black pepper, and they'll put the glass down, and they'll look at Freddie and Oli and go. Was I right? Yes. Yeah. I miss exams so much. We don't know if you're right.

Sure. Because it's about the personal experience, right? They know, though. Oh, so there's no definitive answer there. I thought that was. Well, there is. If you look it up, those flavour profiles will be listed. Sort of broadly agree.

Like, no one's throwing avocado in there as a note. Yeah, yeah. Well, I get this. Yeah, yeah. But I can be convinced. So if someone said, I'm getting rosemary, I'll go, yeah, me too, now. Yeah. But I did do a wine tasting thing.

A friend of mine got married in Bordeaux, and you want to make it more of a trip, right? Because you're like, well, we're going to go there. So we may as well do something, touristy stuff around it. And we went to like a wine tasting thing. And the guy said, avocado as an example, because he said, do you all think I'm just tricking you? And half the people were like, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, weird, random, not relevant. This whole time I'm sat next to a guy who's like a fucking clone of Napoleon. I cannot. He even has like slightly. Neklonian, please. Naclonian. It's going to drive me insane.

He's German, though. So what's that about? I'm sat right next to Neklonian. Who must be very popular when he visits France. Maybe that's why he also goes on holiday to France. It's so funny. You so rarely see people who look like someone from that long ago. But I mean, like, you know what I mean?

You know the Napoleon thing. I mean, I say that. You know the Napoleon thing. This is my struggle with doing stand-up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, cutting that bit. Yeah.

It's like slightly balding, but with like the long black bit, like just swept across a little bit, like in every painting of him. That guy had that. The problem, the problem for me is, if you say that guy looks like Napoleon, the guy I'm imagining is the guy who played Napoleon

in Bill and Ted. I was thinking about Napoleon, Dynamite. There's a lot more guys who look like that to be funny. So the guy said,

like, oh, do you all think we're making it up? And I say gooseberries and you can just taste gooseberries. And all of us, Napoleon, we all agreed that we thought, yeah, we do kind of think that.

He went, okay, well, take a sip, let's try something. Take a sip. Take a sip. And the guy went, Avocado and we all went, yeah, no. Yeah, yeah.

No, can't get any of them. See, I can't really trick you. I can't really trick you. It's not, it is in there like a chemical level. It's not like a... But then he did it wrong. Who did? That guy, he did the trick wrong.

He did the trick right. He should have said something that wasn't there. No, you should have said, and you get quite a lot of avocado on the nose here. Ah, but we know you're going to be tricked. You set up the trick too much. That changes the test to who here is willing to be rude to a man. I wouldn't go, no, I'm not.

And that's part of it. It's like hypnotism. Maybe, maybe. I have faith in it. That's why I see Freddie and Ollie like wizards. Yeah. No, I do have faith in it because you can agree on various things. But it is funny that you're like, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Would I win the wine? Yes. Yeah, Max. A star wine.

I got very into it because when we all met Freddy for the first time, Freddie was a fan of this podcast and Budpod, which I did with Phil. Now I do with Glenn Moore. And he wrote into us, and it was right of the, the end of lockdown and he took us to like a wine tasting thing. He organized. And I'd lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID for like two months. And then it was wonky for like another nine months. Things tasted like petrol. Things taste like burn plastic, cigarettes. Like it was horrible. And it was starting to come back. And so the wine tasting had a double thing for me because I was

like, if I can get these notes right, then my smell and taste is coming back broadly in line. It's what things should taste like. Whereas if I start saying, weird stuff. I know it's still not fixed. Yeah, yeah. So I was very relieved to get it right. Although petrol is a good night for reeling. Oh, see? This is what we do. And then we forget. So he just has to get his catchphrase in every episode.

Every single episode. Any of those t-shirts do you guys sell? Yeah, yeah. Pactual is a good night for reasoning. So it's difficult to choose the wine because I've got like, oh, okay, what can stand up to, you know, all this, like, spicy meat and things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And still work with the dessert or whatever else, because it's got to be the one wine.

But then I don't know if you always want one to stand up and be as like overpowering as the meat flavor. Sometimes maybe you want on the left-hand side of the ring, a boxer, and on the right-hand side, a lovely vicar. Give you a little warm hat. A nice refreshing ice-cold vicar. Yeah, yeah. Sure.

I'd rather have no wine than just one wine. That's my caveat. Yes. So I'm just going to go ice cold Diet Coke. Okay. I love Diet Coke so much. Yes. I don't know, like, throw a spanner in the works,

but, like, we have allowed people to have more than one drink throughout the meal. It's a pretty big spanner when there's seven minutes left on the camera. Spino is absolutely panicking. He's panicking, okay. Seven minutes left to go. Here's what I'm going to offer you.

Two options. Okay. You can have the ice cold Diet Coke. Lovely. Or, what a vicar. Olli and Freddie can do a wine pairing for you for the whole meal, and it will just be whatever they pair for you. Oh, well, then it's obviously that.

You've got to be Ollie and Freddie. Yeah. I'd love to know what they paired with, with San African, Claire. I think it'll be some kind of South African peanutage with the brie stuff something heavy and red. And then with my dessert, I'm going to guess that they would

suggest a champagne or a light white wine. And I'm going to guess that off of that. Your dessert is a vanilla cheesecake. You're close, which I'm not quite bad. Chips. Chips. Barrel of chips. Ship obarret.

So what is it? What is your DREAM dessert. A dream dessert is a slice of the coconut cream cake from Champas in Barbados. Hello. And I'm not a dessert man. Yeah. Not a sweet sky, really. I always thought, until I had that cake, I would be coming on here talking about cheeseboards.

Oh, I'm so lucky you went to Barbados. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I've always, in my mind's eye, I could just see your rage building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And me and Ed chuckling about Stilton. Yeah, yeah. The first holiday I went on with my partner, we went to Barbados and we went to this place and I skeptically ordered it.

And it's a kind of coconut cake, but everything is made of coconut. Like the flour is coconut flour. And the cream in it is coconut cream. And then there's coconut shavings and there's coconut. It's very dense. The plate is made of coconut. The plate's a big coconut. Yeah.

You push the waiter, they tumble to the ground with coconuts. Coconut, man. I look across at my partner, coconut. It's like, it's like from the Mighty Bush. They're all made of coconuts. That's what it was like. But it's still delicious. Yeah.

And the slice they gave you, oh, it was like from a fucking Pixar cartoon. Yeah. Big, huge doorstopper slice. No messing around. Huge. Right. And it was just one of the best things I've ever had.

It was one of those things of while you're eating it. You're just going, I can't believe this. Yeah. And there's even more. Another spoon? Why, yes. It was like being in a kind of, yeah. It was a food critic moment, but for a food I'd never had.

Yeah. Yeah. I've had those, like, that's coconut cream, like, cakes are so good, but they are always pretty small. Yeah. And over pretty quickly, and, like, because they're so easy to eat. Yeah. So definitely you want it to be cartoonishly big. It was almost like, it was verging on a quarter of a cake.

Like, it was so big. Yeah, great. And it was moist all the way through. Yeah. Because, I don't know, coconut oil maybe keeps it that way, but there was no dryness. It wasn't getting all crummy towards like the edge of it where you go, oh, I see why you've covered this in icing. It's trying to cover up how fucking dry it is towards the end.

Yeah. Cake promises so much and it so rarely fully delivers in my view. And this was just stunning. I think about it all the time. And it tastes more of coconut than coconut. Oh. Is it like a toasted kind of quality to it as well or just creamy? Toasted coconut shavings, I think, in the icing around the outside.

Yeah. Yeah. I think so from memory. Yeah. But the icing was coconut as well Oh man Yeah that sounds good Perfect slice of cake

And it's just on its own So you don't need anything with it Just on its own And it's still got away with being that heavy And on like a obviously hot Hot hot day Still fine, still refreshing And then just plop straight into the sea

Plop into the sea Yeah And get carried away Yeah My mum's finally got into coconut Yeah Yeah yeah Finally

Yeah it's taken a whole life Because it doesn't like never liked coconut but every year in the hamper that I give my parents for Christmas I've always chucked some chocolate covered macaroons in there so I think they're great

I guess my dad will just eat those ones but whatever little did I know my mum's been trying to train herself each year to be able to eat the macaroons because they look good and she finally takes me this year going I did it

I ate the whole macarine and it was delicious it was delicious I like it now I was a really picky eater as a kid so I've been vouched for that. You can train yourself. Yeah, if you want it enough.

I love that you chuck in like, basically like distraction macaroons for your dad. Yeah. Yeah. Because the Florentines, yeah. My mum's got to have all of them. And I know that's not going to happen unless there's some distraction macaroid.

I've got to throw some stuff in there. Yeah. On top as well. Yeah. So he opens that out of season for, I've got to have some like really sour, fizzy sweets. Yeah. And then he'll be eating those.

My mom's just got a hoof as many Florentines down. of Babes you can at that time. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah. I was really picky eater. I couldn't eat stuff if it touched other stuff. Right, even if it touched it.

Yeah, yeah. It was, I was, yeah, I was really harsh on that. And yeah, you can, just through exposure therapy. Yeah. Yeah. Get over it. Yeah. It's a lovely way to end.

Yeah. Good luck out there, picky eaters. Yeah. And for the listeners, because to get Pierre over that, we're all touching right now. Yeah. All touching each other. Pierre, I've now got a read, speed read your menu in, I guess a minute. But, like,

Someone's trying to FaceTime you, Ben. You want slightly defist sparkling water, a warm bread basket woven by Andrew Lloyd Weber with ice olive man creamery's butter. You want South African Claire bit. You would like a bribe platter.

You would like Seshwan chili, salt and pepper chicken. You want Ollie and Freddy's wine pairing for the meal, and you want a slice of coconut cream cake from Champas in Barbados. Yes. Beautiful.

Thanks, Pierre. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Pierre. Well, there we are, fantastic episode with the main man, Pierre Novelli. Thank you, my main man, Pierre Novelli. Thank you for not saying Black Coat Lem Cip, of course. Yes. You can see Pierre Novelli perform an OK, one more than bedtime.

Touring that show, OK, one more than bedtime. Pierre has two brilliant podcasts you need to check out Bud Pod and Button Boys. Yes, and a fantastic book. Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things, which is a comedian's guy. to autism. I'm on tour. Fresh Hell starts in January 2027.

Come and see me, Ed Gamble.combe. UK. I'm enjoying putting the show together. I think it's gone be funny. And I will be going to see the show Fresh Hell by Ed Gamble. Look out for James. Yeah, look out for me.

Thank you, bye. Bye. Hi, I'm Nick Eshuchler. I'm an author and screenwriter and host of The Good Immigrant Podcast. Back in 2016, I edited a collection of essays called You Guessed It, The Good Immigrant. It brought together stories

of what it meant to be an immigrant at that time. It was a reflection of life as a person of colour in the UK. To celebrate 10 years since its publication, I'm speaking to some of the contributors about everything that has happened since then. People like Nish Kumar, Selina Godden, Hymesh Patel, Koko Khan, Inoua Ellums, and many, many more. The Good Immigrant Podcast is out every Tuesday, wherever you get your podcasts.