Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Stevie Martin

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

‘Taskmaster’ alumnus, Nobody Panic podcaster and multimedia stand-up Stevie Martin has a reservation this week. But can she pick a side dish? Stevie Martin is on tour with her show ‘Clout’. Fo...r dates and tickets go to steviemartin.com Listen to Stevie’s podcast ‘Nobody Panic’ where you listen to podcasts. Follow Stevie on Instagram @5tevieM and TikTok @Stevie-MartinOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, hi James. Have you heard the news? Oh, yeah, go on. You and I are modern boys, because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube. This is embarrassing. Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube. I love watching clips on YouTube, sure. Now people can watch clips of off-menu on YouTube, but it's embarrassing, man. It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool. We're on YouTube with the great and good. The coolest people in the world are on YouTube. Me, you, Logan Paul.
Starting point is 00:00:30 Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession? At Off Menu podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now. And we're on TikTok. This is embarrassing, man. It's not embarrassing, man, we're cool. We're like Olivia Rodrigo. And Ed, people have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually. They want to watch the Stephen Graham Supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.
Starting point is 00:00:50 They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did. Or Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube. He's going to do it. Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok At Off Menu Podcasts on YouTube Hello and welcome to the off menu podcast Taking the... I'm not sure I think I might have done this one before, James,
Starting point is 00:01:22 I'm going to do it anyway. Okay. The mint leaves of conversation. Oh, it's not making any bells? muddling them in the glass with the muddler of humour I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before adding the rum of
Starting point is 00:01:34 content Now it's sounding like a good time Maybe soda water How do you make a Mahito? Uh Yes it's soda water Of internet Mahito
Starting point is 00:01:45 It's a Mahito It's a podcastito That is Ed Gamble He's a podcast Hito Karagai My name is James Ayakaster Together we own a dream restaurant And we invite in every single week
Starting point is 00:01:55 a guest. We are some of the favourite ever start. A main course dessert, cider shan drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Stevie Martin. Stevie Martin, a wonderful comic, wonderful online content as well, James. Yes, Stevie Martin does it all. Steve Martin does it all. Online, offline. What else is there?
Starting point is 00:02:13 Midline. Midline. Hey. She's very, very funny. Looking forward to speaking to Stevie. Also, a brilliant podcaster. Part of the Plosive family. The Plosive family, of course. The Nobody Panic Podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:25 that she does with Tessa Coates, she's under the plosive umbrella, she's under the wing of Benito. Oh, yes, yes. I imagine Benito having wings more than an umbrella, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's got one. Even though in real life, yeah. He's more likely to be carrying an umbrella, but I imagine the great Benito, the character of the great Benito. Yeah, have wings. Have wings. And it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito. It is very safe. Warm and safe. Under there, baby birds.
Starting point is 00:02:49 Stevie Martin's new show, Clout, is on tour. He hates it. He doesn't like that. Her new show, Clout. is on tour soon so keep an eye out for that and just go and follow stevie on social media as well she's very very good and stevie is on taskmaster so that's very exciting very very exciting because i'd say stevie out of a lot of people i know is the sort of person who is always just slightly like one second away from a very funny meltdown absolutely there's a reason why it's called nobody panic podcast yes it's absolutely applying to the hosts yes and um stevie will panic and i don't know what's happened on Taskmaster.
Starting point is 00:03:27 No. I guarantee the listeners right now. If they watch it, they're going to see Stevie Martin panicking. Absolutely. Of course, if there's a secret ingredient, Steve, you really will be panicking because we're kicking her out at the Dream restaurant.
Starting point is 00:03:38 That is true. And we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time, James. It's Stevie. Stevia. Stevia, suggested by the Great Benito, because Stevie's name is Stevie. He pulled that out of his wing? Yeah. And if you add an her, it's Stevia.
Starting point is 00:03:52 Stevea's a, like, natural sweetener. Oh, I. I didn't know what it was. Yes. And that's quite good actually, because that is, you know, people don't really like sweetness. Mm. So it works on every level. I think it's natural.
Starting point is 00:04:04 I'm pretty sure it's natural. Yeah. I don't know, I always need to check these things because, I don't know if you've noticed about me, James. I like to say things about food with huge confidence and quite often they're wrong and people get angry about it. Really? Yeah. Because I'm not like, you know, we said Stevie Martin rules the online. I'm offline these days.
Starting point is 00:04:19 Yes. I have no idea. So I still think you're right about everything. Yeah, I know. And I don't know that people call you out. Correcting me all the time. And correctly, you should correct me if I'm wrong. Fair enough, but I'm walking around just regurgitating this shit
Starting point is 00:04:31 and saying it to people and believe in it. Yeah, I'm sorry, man. I've got you in real trouble over the years. Yeah, I'll probably look like a right fall everywhere I go. Yeah, that's true. That's not my fault. Yeah, I heard that's natural, that's sweet. Yeah. What the hell?
Starting point is 00:04:45 Hey, Gaston. But it just mouth off again. But as Stevie says, stevia, and that doesn't count her own name. No. If she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to kick her out. We're going to let that side. But if she says Stevie, she's gone. So, this is the off-meny menu, menu of Stevie Martin.
Starting point is 00:05:07 Welcome, Stevie to the dream restaurant. Hello, I've got egg on me. Welcome, Stevie Martin, to the dream restaurant. We'll be expecting you for some time. You said it's toothpaste or egg. It's toothpaste or egg. Toothpaste or egg. Toothpaste or egg.
Starting point is 00:05:20 Popidots. Big, popcorn. Yeah, it's on my shorts. I'm thinking, no, it's not, it's on my, is that a lapel? No, that's a lapel. No, lapel's up there. I'm an idiot. For the listener.
Starting point is 00:05:32 I'd imagine it's, she'd point to her knee. Yeah, it was, I'd imagine its toothpaste given the positioning of it. Would you, who brushes the teeth around the side? That's fairly low, yeah. I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt around to the side. Yeah. I think you've lent against something chalky. Yes.
Starting point is 00:05:46 Yeah, or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap. That makes more sense. Yeah. Just to solve the mystery immediately. It also doesn't look like egg, I would say. It doesn't look like egg, no. Yes, okay, fine. Thanks, welcome.
Starting point is 00:05:57 Thank you. I love the restaurant. Thank you. What can you see in the restaurant? What's going on? So, it's a very chill vibe because I don't, I think there's a place for your kind of, do-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-d-do, and that's fun too. Yeah, what? I know exactly what you mean.
Starting point is 00:06:13 No, pipes. What's the instrument? What? Do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-drums. A recorder? Do you do this song? A recorder. That's not.
Starting point is 00:06:23 Like a fancy restaurant with like classical music. Yeah, like a string quartet maybe, yeah. Thank you. Right, there's none of that. I'm thinking it's kind of like, regardless of the food I'm going to choose, you know, when you go to like a Mexican restaurant and you're like, yeah, I could hang here for ages and have some mugwigs and talk really loudly. And there's like a chill, relaxed, but they're still going to like bring your cutlery.
Starting point is 00:06:44 Like you don't have to go and get your cutlery and like get your own water and then also do all your food and serve yourself, like, you can still just like, it just feels relaxed. There's like a good colour scheme, bright. I'll be honest, what you described there to me, apart from you saying it's chilled, does not sound chilled in the slightest. Because you said it's really loud
Starting point is 00:07:03 and you're shouting at each other. You can talk loudly, but there's not very loud music, so it doesn't escalate, so it's just people. And maybe there's like candlelight. It was bright. Yeah, I did say bright.
Starting point is 00:07:14 There's a lot of candles. There's a lot of candles. It's sort of like five per table. It's quite dangerous. It's quite dangerous. I feel very relaxed, but boiling. Okay. Yeah, there's a window open
Starting point is 00:07:24 And... Candles keep blowing out. Boads. Boads. Boots. Yeah, nice. That's fine. I can envision it.
Starting point is 00:07:34 There's a place in Soho called L. Camion. Okay, yeah, yeah. And it's not great. But it actually, no, it is great. It's not relaxed. Is it good, though? This will be a theme. I'm not going to be able to come down hard on either option.
Starting point is 00:07:50 There's boots. And when you go in there, you're just, like, like, yeah, I could hang here, rather than that, like, I've got an hour and a half slot and I simply must leave. Yeah. And it's Instagramable. You know, it's not Instagramable. It's like a chill. I keep saying that I'm a chill. You can say chill. Yeah. It's really chill. Yeah, you'd like a chill. I just want to be more chill. Booth. A chill booth. Yeah. So that would be, I understand that. You were like a chill booth.
Starting point is 00:08:11 Chill booth. To have your meal in. Yeah, with friends. What friends? Yeah. Oh, wow. Who's the guest list for the dream meal? The guest list of my dream meal. William Shakespeare, of course. Your friend? My friend and my friend, unfortunate name, there was a guy in my school called Michael Jackson. Yeah? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:30 How was Michael Jackson as a person, your friend I'm talking about? He had some problems. Yeah, quite early on. I don't think your mind was saying. We didn't know each other. I didn't speak to him because of his name, obviously. People won't be able to find him out. This isn't in a baby reindeer situation.
Starting point is 00:08:44 People Google him. Yeah, not a Googlerable name. Did he go by Mike? No, he went by like Michael. It's like, call me Michael. The King of Pop. Yeah, Michael the King of Pop, yeah. Poor guy.
Starting point is 00:08:57 I'm not his fault, of course. It is if you ask to be called Michael. Yeah, it's true. The dream guest you've asked me for, we'll have to say Michael Jackson now, but I don't want to. Okay, great. Absolutely. I absolutely don't have to say that.
Starting point is 00:09:09 Thank you, thank you. Actual friends, there'd be, I think, a nice. My friend, Kyle really likes food and has many opinions on food. Yes. So he's quite good to have because... We've heard all of them. Oh, he's been on this podcast. Yes.
Starting point is 00:09:20 Of course he has. Yeah, he did tell me. Of course he has. And didn't he bring tequila or something? No. No, we had whiskey here. It was an evening record, and I think the record was about three hours long. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:30 Because we started drinking whiskey. Great. That might be happening today. I don't want to do that. No. I'm a very efficient woman. I'm in him out, and I don't like whiskey. That's how I like to approach restaurants as well.
Starting point is 00:09:41 Just to let you know. Just let you know. I'm in and out, despite saying my dream meal, you can hang for as long as possible. And I don't like whiskey. Right. See, I've got to have more opinions. No. Kyle.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Kyle, just me and Kyle, my friend Lola, because she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering. Again, very chill. And then William Shakespeare, of course, because I think he'd be very out of place. Yeah, I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024. Yeah, possibly, actually. Although some people on Twitter still talk like, you know,
Starting point is 00:10:12 my lady and all of that, I don't know, there's men. How would William Shakespeare react to that a lot of his language has been taken on by incels? I'd say an uncle Yeah No, he'd love it Maybe he's the original Encel
Starting point is 00:10:27 Yeah, I think it is To be fair Romeo and Juliet She's very young Just something to think about Is that an insult thing? I don't know No, that's a Pido thing
Starting point is 00:10:38 Isn't it? And we're back to Michael Jackson Oh, for God's sake Well, allegedly Oh Lord Which one we're talking about Yeah Just to be clear
Starting point is 00:10:49 He wasn't my friend He was three years below me and I never spoke to him. Yeah, but you just knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacog because it's, yeah. It wasn't in my year, but everyone called him Crispy. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:05 Yeah, my grandma was called Chris Martin. What? I think I'll play. Yeah. Your grandma? Yeah. You know that your name's similar to a celebrities as well? Uh, no.
Starting point is 00:11:15 I'll leave you Google it after. Martin Short. Google that up. Is he your cleaning? Yeah, it is quite similar. So, yeah, that's mine. William Shakespeare, Kyle and Lola. Nice.
Starting point is 00:11:25 I like to keep it short. Tessa, not making the cut. Husband, not making the cut. Oh, yeah. No, no. He's sort of a like food as fuel. Oh, really? Really difficult.
Starting point is 00:11:33 It annoys me when, because he's clearly in very good shape as well. And you're like, that's... He's... I think he's in media, as in like, he's naturally quite lean looking. He looks strong. But he's, yeah, I mean, he swims a lot. Does that mean he's in good shape? Stevie, I'm going to say, if someone says he's in good shape.
Starting point is 00:11:49 if someone says your husband's in good shape, you just go, yeah. Well, James did say, really? Yeah. So there were two sides you could have taken there, and you very much went with James, I think. I did, I think. I just had to, yeah, he's in great shape, but it is food is fuel. He takes the piss out of Hewled quite a lot, but I think he would benefit quite a lot from that. Just sometimes he is like, Frieders Heel.
Starting point is 00:12:09 It's quite upsetting, but sometimes, you know, when we're trying to make, like, it's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner, because he'll be like, oh, anything. As you've seen, I do need direction otherwise I will take everyone's opinion and then sort of get very hot Does he mean that? Does he mean that when he says everything, though? Oh, really? Occasionally, I mean, if I was like, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:12:33 a cheese slice and an onion, he'd be like, well, not that, obviously. But yeah, he will sort of, he calls it shovel it in food. He'll just be like, yeah, I'll have some chauvelet in food. Like, but what about taste? Yeah, taste food. Yeah, table about tasted food.
Starting point is 00:12:47 Because when I have that chat, with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat? And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat? And she'll say, oh, anything. And then we go on an hour long conversation where I suggest things and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants. Yes, no, that is also. Tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room. I love it. Very happily married, just so we've got to cook a meal. Actually, really easy to cook a meal because I cook him anything. I was just saying a Benito. It's got some squares in. Benito is in a civil partnership? Yeah. I'm technically in a civil partnership.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Yeah, so is Stevie. Yeah. Doesn't count. I want to ask about your page back on. Yeah. Oh, you got fully married? Yeah, fully married. I'm sorry. I'd be sorry. I had a great time.
Starting point is 00:13:27 I tied up there. He sang hymns at his wedding. Was there a priest? Yes, there was a priest. It was Bishop, Bishop Tutu. Okay. No, it was just a, as Charlie referred to her before we met her as a goober from the council. And then it turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy.
Starting point is 00:13:47 feel bad when you meet him on the knife making fun of you for weeks our ceremony was very short there was a 30 rock quote and then we finished flaming lips down the aisle oh that's good that's very cool
Starting point is 00:14:01 very on brand she had an infection I was going to say about throsh and I was like don't say that but you sometimes I mean there's not many guests
Starting point is 00:14:11 I would actually just say that but I'd normally have to wait until after the episode and say to James I wanted to say that then Yeah, then I'll have a good laugh. That's the benefit of being me. I get all the extra stuff.
Starting point is 00:14:22 I benefit because I get all their head's humour after the shows. I'm a lucky boy. Most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment. You should do off-menu, the extra bite or the after-party. Second half-hand. You've already done that, have any of desserts. Yeah, to be fair. Well, it was just puddings it was called.
Starting point is 00:14:39 Loads of people got annoyed at that. They were saying it should be just desserts. That's the point. Fair enough, guys. Christ. Sometimes it's about the low-hanging fruit, isn't it? And of course, you're going on tour with Clout, the show that you did at Edinburgh. I did.
Starting point is 00:14:54 And what can you tell the listeners? Edinburgh went so well that I was just like, I think I've got to go on tour. I've never been on a tour before. You've both done tour. Are they good? Do we like them? Depends. Each their own.
Starting point is 00:15:04 Okay. See how you feel about it. Well, James hates touring. Right. I think I'd be like that. Yeah. You love it, I imagine. Oh, I do.
Starting point is 00:15:11 Yeah, I quite like it once I'm in the rhythm of it. Okay. But I do do a lot of just eating now. I was in dressing rooms in market towns. I was quite like to do that. Yeah, yeah. I used to never really gig outside of London because I was just frightened of, I don't really know, traveling.
Starting point is 00:15:29 And then I've done quite a few, before I'd have read quite a few previews outside of London and would do like a bunch of them and travel around, often known as what a tour would be like. Find it quite fun. I think I'm quite good on my own. I think I'm quite, do I have to like make decisions based on what other people want to do?
Starting point is 00:15:45 Simply just like, I'd like to tweak that now. I'm not ashamed of it. Yeah. Of crisp dinners with different flavors. Some of different courses. I did. I'd travel crisps. Something I've got really into this year.
Starting point is 00:15:56 I never really, honestly, I don't think I'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year. Well, that's a huge revelation. Yeah, I've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself. They're always around.
Starting point is 00:16:07 Not always. They're always around. But like, I'd take someone else's or I'd be like, oh, a lovely bowl of crisps, or at a buffet, for example, or a party. Yes.
Starting point is 00:16:15 But I have tortilla chip. Loads, but not actual, like, flavoured crisps. And this year, I've really got into them. So this is your thing this year? It's my thing. Yeah. Yeah. It was ready salted.
Starting point is 00:16:26 Oh, prawn cocktail for starters. Ready salted for your main. And then, and then whatever, like, a different shape for dessert. Yeah. Hula hoops. So that's your crisp dinner. Yeah. That you have on tour.
Starting point is 00:16:38 I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main. I love it. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Because it's like prawns. Yeah. It's like prawns.
Starting point is 00:16:46 It's like prawn cocktails. It's like the start of prawn cotter. God. What the fuck? Okay, yeah, sure. Pretty salted, palate cleanser and you can eat it without getting bored. Really? I get bored immediately. Okay, but you're like that.
Starting point is 00:17:01 Obviously, you've really salted as a side dish, like a bowl of chips. See, I would have chips as a main and do quite regularly. But I'm not a bland person. It's just, it's all about the dip. I would get dips as well. So you'd get like hummus. That's it. hummus
Starting point is 00:17:18 I couldn't find a lot of good salsa if I could but prawn cocktail salsa is pretty bad I think you're going to have a great tour yeah
Starting point is 00:17:27 yeah I'm going to have a heart attack within about four days and some sort of sodium and balance massive vitamin deficiency huge scurvy
Starting point is 00:17:35 yeah that I'll get like I'm a sailor which is the true tour we always start with still of sparkling water Stevie
Starting point is 00:17:45 what would you like I like, I've only recently got into sparkling Same time as the crisps? My God, yes. Yeah, wow. You're having quite the year. I'm having a massive gastronomical year. And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat
Starting point is 00:18:02 because it doesn't taste like still water. It's still got that like aftertaste. So I'd quite like, I suppose flat sparkling. Sparkling water has been there for a while, so it's not so like edgy. Right. I've got spiky. That's kind of mad, isn't it? it that when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water.
Starting point is 00:18:19 Like, what are they putting in it? Whatever they used to carbonate, it is still floating around in there dead. Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas. CO2 carbon dioxide, just floating around in water. That's what you want. That's what I want. I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode. For someone's menu.
Starting point is 00:18:38 Okay, okay. No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet. And this is the first time. Have you had that? Yeah, I really don't like it. Okay. I don't like the flat, the flat fizzy water. I don't mind it.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Okay, great. I actually prefer, there's some sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer. Let's try after. Yeah, so, yeah. I want a, I want a list of those. Bacua. Badawa. Bada.
Starting point is 00:19:00 Not Bacquah, because that's short for backwash, probably, isn't it? I thought that. Badwa. Okay, I'll have that then. Less gas? No, no, no, you're getting your flat sparkling water. That's what you're going to your dream mill. Yeah, I do want that.
Starting point is 00:19:16 That's what you're having. Thank you. And also that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William, Shakespeare, or whatever, because, oh my God, sparkling one would blow his mind.
Starting point is 00:19:24 It would then allow everyone else to partake. Yeah. Because they wouldn't, like the water would be slightly off, but they wouldn't quite know why. It tastes like gone off water. Yeah. That's what it is.
Starting point is 00:19:33 You know, when a hummus goes quite lemonade, yeah, I still will. But like, and you want that. Gone off water. Yeah, I haven't asked me about my side dish yet, but it will be gone off on us.
Starting point is 00:19:44 It's quite nice when it's lemon. Sometimes I put lemon. lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off of it. But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think. Well, yeah, it also does. It's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on. That's so true. Yes, silver sparkling dips.
Starting point is 00:19:59 Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat? Because I do like it when, like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that. It's lovely. I like that as well. I used to work in a bar and when the thing would be off and everyone would be like, oh, the syrup, it's just syrup. That'd be my drink. Just the syrup.
Starting point is 00:20:13 Just the syrup with red wine. That was very quick. Yeah, it's called a calomacho. It's busy for a calumacho. Yeah, it's not the syrup. No, but it's... Calamacho is half and half. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:26 Coke and red wine. Yeah. Yeah. So I just do that with a little bit less syrup. You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso. Yeah. But you're doing it with the Coke. It's like an espresso win tini.
Starting point is 00:20:38 You heard it here first. An espresso wine tini. It's got nothing to do with espresso. No. No. But the wine's in there. That's fine. I used to drink...
Starting point is 00:20:46 at uni, Baileys and Coke mix it up. Tastes like cake mix. Looks like vomit. Yeah, it doesn't Bailey's curdle, won it? Oh, terribly. Yeah, yeah. So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs. It looked like I've been sick in my own glass.
Starting point is 00:21:00 You were ordering that at clubs? Yeah. Yeah. It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions. Whereas in clubs, like, next one, next one. They'd be like, what? Oh, yeah, okay, fine. And they wouldn't have judgment.
Starting point is 00:21:13 So you can have order anything. And after the first time you did it, then you exactly what you were going to do. Right. Which is like that again, yes. Here you fucking comes. I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now. About juicy, these things constantly.
Starting point is 00:21:25 It's like, I'm all right. I just eat to survive, thank you. Yeah. I think I have a lot of combination. There's been, he did ask me if I could stop eating. So I used to have like, not all the time, but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can, drain them, and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork. And he was like, can you stop?
Starting point is 00:21:46 Just cat, please can you stop Or eat it in another room So we were in like Studio flat for a while So that I couldn't eat that And then we've moved into a slightly Like a two bed so then I'm able to Take it to a bedroom
Starting point is 00:21:58 You've got your bean in a mayonnaise room Yeah Yeah I think that only happens like twice a year Yeah And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover Or like a bit morose I say in terms of hangover food
Starting point is 00:22:09 Kidney beans in the tin With mayonnaise mixed in It's got to be the worst That would not be even sicker The idea of it It would make you feel sick. The actual reality of it, like with most things, is much better than you think.
Starting point is 00:22:21 As long as you get, you don't get a bit of water in the, and you know, like the water that it's in. That makes me feel a bit sick. Poplubs or bread. Poplums or bread, Stevie Martin. Poplubs or bread. Bread. Bread, French baguette in a basket with a little gingham serviet.
Starting point is 00:22:35 The listener won't have seen the mine, but you just sliced it basically. Yeah, I just sliced it. And I put it in a basket. Yeah. And pop the little napkin. I like a little bit of decoration. Where are you putting the napkin?
Starting point is 00:22:46 Underneath the bread, so I can't get through it. Yeah, because every, every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes. You've put the bread in the basket, and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread. Yeah, that's how it's... Like a reverse tablecloth, you know, being pulled out from underneath something. Yeah. You kind of somehow get in the napkin underneath the bread that's already in the box. Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top?
Starting point is 00:23:06 No. No. No, that's part of the art. And then also pop a napkin on top, just stop the flies. Okay. It's a drink restaurant. Stop the flight. Where are you?
Starting point is 00:23:16 Oh, I'm in a, yeah, I'm in a, it's a dream restaurant, but it is next to a sewage plant. I couldn't, I couldn't control the geography of the dream, the dream restaurant, sadly. Is this warm? The bread, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not too warm that you're like, oh, it's just like, it's at the butter melting. I think that's, that's, that's, you simply must have that. Yeah, well, I just, where is it coming from? Is it coming from a bakery?
Starting point is 00:23:40 Is it just coming from the package? I don't want to know where anything has come from. I have just no. interest in where anything has come from. I just wanted to be here like I'm in it like it I'm the wizard. It's a magical place. Yes. Origeny. Origeny. Yeah. Yeah. For example. I don't like, yeah, I don't need to know farm to fork, you know. I mean, I am a vegan. So that's, I don't know what's happening in the farm. But like, I don't need to know any of that stuff. You can just be, I think cheap white bread is what I want in a restaurant rather than a sort of like, you know, when it arrives it's like whole meal. I'm not
Starting point is 00:24:14 interested in that. I'm out and about. Baggett. I want baguette. Yeah. I think that's fair enough. This butter. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:20 Talk me through the butter. Vegan, of course. Yeah. So I was going to, I was toying with the idea of just being like, well, rather than be vegan, just have what you would like and then just have a great time. I'm allergic to dairy, that's why. Yeah. And I would have like a right time of it the next day or during the meal.
Starting point is 00:24:35 And, but this is a fantasy land, but I still couldn't. And there's some really good vegan butter. You've got to salt it. You've got to salt it. Yeah. Otherwise, it just tastes like marjorie. from the 70s. It's a real issue.
Starting point is 00:24:47 So I'd want it melted. Pats, little pats, obviously a napkin underneath and on a little tanny plate like this. Yeah. Do you have a brand of, because like...
Starting point is 00:24:58 Flora buttery. Flora buttery. Yeah, it's really good, accidentally vegan. So that is margarine, it probably margarine, isn't it? It's a real shame. What's that?
Starting point is 00:25:07 UPF? Ultra-processed food? I don't know. It's apparently very bad for you. There's a book out called like, don't eat that. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that book.
Starting point is 00:25:15 Yeah, yeah. I've seen that book. And it was all, like, vegan stuff is really bad for you. Yeah. And it's like tofu. So it's a real shame. That's a shame, actually. Oh.
Starting point is 00:25:23 That's horrible for the vegans to find out. So imagine, you know, a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans. Yeah. They're thinking about what they're eating, but they also probably think I'm on safe ground here. Yeah. We know that we've gone the better route than all these other people. And then they're like, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:39 I've already got my options limited. And now I can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra-process. Turns out there's just no way of staying alive. Turns out, yeah, there literally isn't. The vegan cheese, like, what is vegan cheese made of nuts or coconut? Like, how is it doing that? Save your show material for the tour. Because you don't want to waste it on this podcast.
Starting point is 00:26:01 You're right, you're right, okay. Yeah, yes. You don't want to waste it on the pod. Don't be dropping in there, how do you milk an almond gear? That is my joke. Come back to you time and time again. Let's get into your meal proper, Stevie, your dream starter. Is there a napkin?
Starting point is 00:26:19 It's just a napkin. I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to, I do want more food at this point. The problem I have with starters is that it's lose-lose because it's either like, obviously. He loves it. I know, but it's either, I love it and then it's too small. So I'm like, well, now it's over. Or I don't like it and it's detracted my appetite from the main boy. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:26:45 And also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal, I find incredibly stressful and doesn't need. So actually, I just sort of want some more bread. Yeah. Maybe with oil and balsamic this time. Oh, you're mixing it up, but it's to the baguette? I don't think so. I don't think so. I think olive bread.
Starting point is 00:27:03 Yeah. And then just like all the stuff in the bread. Like, what's other stuff that goes in bread? Tomato bread? Yeah. Olive oil bread. That's forcatcher. Ficatcha, yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:11 Right. Nuts. Nut bread. I was going to say none. I love why that cut. Walnuts. All right. I'll have a walnut bread.
Starting point is 00:27:17 Garlic, rosemary. Oh, fucking hell. That's great. We can just bring you, for your starter a whole bread platter
Starting point is 00:27:22 with all of those breads. Yeah. In many baskets. And then it's like tear and share, you know, everyone's like, oh,
Starting point is 00:27:29 baguette's gone. No, it's going to be sharing that with you because they've already had bread. They've probably like a starter, yeah. With him Shakespeare's not going to turn and sharing me.
Starting point is 00:27:36 That's quite a lot of bread, isn't it? But I'm not, but I do, I'm really into bread. And I just, And I don't think it would fill me up enough for the main. It means that there's still like a good warm-up for the main.
Starting point is 00:27:48 Interesting, isn't it? Because I'd say a lot of our guests have brought up the main problem they have with the bread basket before the meal. Isn't it fills them up? But you've said, I'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up after the bread basket I've had. Yeah. I see what you're saying.
Starting point is 00:28:05 And I agree with it. But I'm talking sort of like a taste journey. So my taste buds won't have blown out. But they weren't tired out And I won't be like Longing for the starter It's just gone And being like well I want more of that for my main
Starting point is 00:28:20 Can I change it to a main you can't Like I don't have to think about it I just know that the main is going to be the main event But I have that is a lot of bread But I mean on this If we're talking about like a bread platter With all these different breads You could put other things with it
Starting point is 00:28:33 Like different dips All right yeah We're back at Dip town now I think well I think most of my choices Are going to be dips I'm really, I think dips is my sort of favorite food I love, I can't, I hate, I hate dry meals you know, like when you're like, it needs a bit more juice going on
Starting point is 00:28:54 so that dips, I'm safe, I just have dips with a spoon, that would be nice. Do you do that? Oh, hummus with a spoon, yeah, that's a thing, isn't it? Yeah, hummus with a spoon, a bit of olive oil on it. I live with an ischum, yeah. Oh, yeah. He used to eat like a yoghurt. Yeah, he comes like a yogurt, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:09 Yeah, sometimes a little bit of whole cheese. He's on, if you're feeling fancy. Still visit him sometimes and there's like a completely, what I think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned. And then I realise it's not completely cleaned. Yeah, upon closer inspection. But it is still a little bit dirty, but someone has completely like eaten all the hummus.
Starting point is 00:29:27 And I realize it's hummus. Yeah. It once contained hummus. And then he's done it again. He's wiped it. He's done it again. It's just an excellent meal and it is a complete meal. What is your main course?
Starting point is 00:29:46 My main course, nachos. We've already had a shout out for tortilla chips. Do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently, there are going to be some people, I'm not one of them, getting very frustrated with this menu. Why? They're going to think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu. She's a comedian, she's just trying to be funny.
Starting point is 00:30:11 We know you're not. We know you. I don't think that's funny. We know you. I could come up with something way funnier if I was actually. Also, we haven't heard about the natchos yet. We haven't heard any details about the nachos. Some people listen to this.
Starting point is 00:30:22 So we're going to be no way this is a dream meal. Two bread courses and then nachos. It's flat water, flat fizzy water. Yeah. Two bread courses and now nachos. They're going to be screaming at their phones. Okay, okay. So address, just address it.
Starting point is 00:30:33 I'm going to address it. I understand that I'm going to address it. So, because I find that in restaurants, nobody does it properly. And it really gets me. I don't think I've ever been to... El Camion does a good job, actually. I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant where there's the right sauce to sort of bald
Starting point is 00:30:51 tortilla chip ratio. You're either left with like, or you're like given loads of little pots of stuff to put on and it's like a thimble. Or one of those little paper things. Oh, horrible. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:04 Or there's like, I went to one through the weekend I had kimchi and hummus. It was like, are you high? I hate, like, that's not, that's not a natural. That's just... I bet you really enjoyed that, though, right? No, I hate, well, I didn't want that in that moment. Like, I wanted, you know, and I hate, like I say, I hate dry food, and nachos can be really dry.
Starting point is 00:31:22 And there's never enough cheese, and I make excellent nachos. It's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come around for dinner. I've only had two dinner parties, one was a takeaway, just got everyone to order takeaway, and I've paid for it. And then the other one was nachos, and just ordered huge trays. And it's like, you've got to get, like, it's almost like chili con carne, but. poured over and then you do like four layers, grill it, don't microwave it. Otherwise the cheese gets like a D-Syth, gluey, more cheese than you want, jalapinos, sour cream guac on the side so that people can get their own ratio right.
Starting point is 00:31:54 But you're, it's like huge salad bowls of the stuff, not like this tiny. It's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs that worked at, except we didn't put the guack and sour cream on the side, we just don't on the top. But everything else. What pub did you like? The star in Geddington. Oh, no, I've never been there. Natchos, that beef, chili stuff.
Starting point is 00:32:12 Layed that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it. There's nothing better. Grilling it, not microwaving, but then we dolep the sauce on the top, which... That's fine. But jalapinos. That's fine if there's enough, right? If there's enough, yeah, that's fine. When you're talking about the bald tortilla chips.
Starting point is 00:32:27 The bald chos, yeah. So how many of those should there be, if any? Every single, I'll refer to it as a chow, should have the right ratio of your hot sauce, your sort of chili con cancani sauce. It should have like a tiny little bit of guck, a tiny bit of salt cream, covered in cheese and salsa. Every single one. Every single one.
Starting point is 00:32:46 No bold ones. You should be able to distribute that. The source distribution should be even throughout. Even if it's not, you can like mix stuff around. Yeah. And you're eating this with a fork. I think you should, I think there should be enough spatial, um,
Starting point is 00:33:03 awareness of you. And also enough room on the chip to be able to dip. I think you should be able to. But you can maybe have a fork if you must revert that. But that just means that you've eaten it wrong, I think. Aren't they getting a bit soggy with all the chivalry-on-y? Yeah, well, let's talk about the sog. Because surely the bottom layer is going to be soggy as well.
Starting point is 00:33:20 Not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices, Freight. It shouldn't be sat in its own juices. You should be making it to order. What is your technique to get this right? Because people can be listening to this going, if I try to do this at home, it's going to sog up. I'm not going to get it so that every chip has got enough stuff on it
Starting point is 00:33:37 and a little green. gripping point on the chip where I can pick it up. But how are you doing this? Because people, this could change people's lives. If you're pulling this off at home. Yeah. And I am regularly. And you're not even using a fork. You're able to dip these after they've been in the chili con carne. This is incredible. Yeah. It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne. You've got reduce that. So it's like, it's not got any liquid bubbling around. It's almost dry, but it's not. So you're basically cooking the chili con carne longer than you think. And then, When it goes into the grill, you're talking like five minutes.
Starting point is 00:34:11 That's not enough for it to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce. Like, it's still retaining stability. It's still got a core. And because you're doing layers, it's not like all of them in the middle or all. Like, they're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce. Like, you've got your chips and there's a lot kind of go. And also, like, as well, you don't put on as much sauce as you think as well. Because you've got to think, obviously don't put your guack and your sour cream before.
Starting point is 00:34:39 you put it in the grill, that's mad. You just do the chili con can't eat, the cheese. Sounds like you've done that before. Yeah, oh my God, yeah, yeah. And then you've made a stew. You've made like a lasagna. Yeah, and also what's nice as well is when you add the colder dips, that cools everything down a little bit,
Starting point is 00:34:54 so you're not like, oh, yeah. And do you want to, for the fellow vegans listening, recommend what to use for the chili? Yeah, so talk us through, because obviously your dream nachos are going to be vegan nachos. They are going to be vegan, because I've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere, so they have to be. Yeah. It's like, I quite like, there's a mince called Moving Mountains, I think, which is really nice. Because it doesn't have a, corn's got a weird,
Starting point is 00:35:20 corn's got quite a flat sparkling water flavor to it. It's got a bit of like, what's going on here? And I don't want that in my nachos. So moving mountains is really nice. Also, you want like just a simple cheese, like, Violife cheddar or something, just something that's just like not got any after-taste. Never get, never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like Play-Doh. They've got the consistency of Play-Doh, and they taste like Play-Doh, and like a horrible kind of like, underneath it. You know, I mean, eating it like, oh, that noise, but taste. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That noise, but a taste. Yeah. Yeah. I think that sort of checks out. That's fine. Guacamole, my mum makes amazing guacamole, and so the recipe is, like,
Starting point is 00:36:01 we just mash. It's not, you know, oh, God, you know, in, like, in restaurants, and, and The guacamole is, like, chopped. Yeah. It's like chopped and chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever, coriander and I'll say it. And you like, no, so you mash it up. You mash up the avocado with onion, a little bit of mayonnaise, more vegan mayonnaise, lemon juice and then shitloads of garlic.
Starting point is 00:36:24 Like so much garlic. And then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot, just the pot of salsa that you've got hanging around. Old El Paso is fine. And then you mix it all up and it's just delicious. That's a wild guacamole recipe. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:37 That's wild. During the Edinburgh Festival, everyone always talks about going to the old, is it the old who? Nish took me there, yeah. Yeah. They're like this day. Yeah, they're massive. And there's vegan ones as well. Oh, are there?
Starting point is 00:36:48 Yeah. Right. Yeah, Benito lost his mind one. I just said that. It's so good. That's got to be like a week four thing. Otherwise, you can't really recover from it. Yeah, that's just excellent.
Starting point is 00:36:57 That's actually, yeah, you're right. That's the only place I've been like, that is what I expect. Right. I've been served what I expect. Thank you. So maybe those. but in the dream restaurant. But with so much bread,
Starting point is 00:37:08 I regret it. The bread, I can't tell you how much I regret the bread. It's too late now. Because the answer is simply I don't, I don't want to start it, but I wanted to, I did it,
Starting point is 00:37:14 I had to say something. I mean, I would say a classic starter is nachos. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Shit. Especially if you're with friends, you can share them.
Starting point is 00:37:25 Yeah. God, okay. That says I have bread for my main course. Christ. Yeah. Okay. That's that, thank you,
Starting point is 00:37:33 because I was wondering why I couldn't think of starter, and it's because I only like big starters as my main. Yeah, yeah. Your drink side dish, Stevie. Oh, God. Is it our old friend bread again? No, it's got to be. No.
Starting point is 00:37:54 It would have to be something that complimented it, so you're looking for something fresh. You're looking for something, but not boring. Padron peppers. Nice. That's good, isn't it? That came to you like a bolt from the blue. It did. Yeah. Another starter, to be fair.
Starting point is 00:38:07 Packer on pepper is usually classically a starter. Is it? Yeah. I say, yeah, starter. It's a tapas dish, isn't it? What's a side dish? You have patch and peppers as a side dish. Of course I can, but say I would just throw this to you.
Starting point is 00:38:20 What would you have as a side dish for nachos? If I was getting nachos as a main? Yeah. The thing is, then I'm thinking, you are thinking in the realm of Padron and Peppers because you're thinking I've basically got a starter for a main. So then you're like, I'm doing bits. Yeah, I'm going to get some chicken strips. Halipania poppers.
Starting point is 00:38:39 That's good. Okay, I want to change my answer. Yeah, yeah, because a bit of like breaded sort of, you know, deep fried. Yeah, that's great. You've got jalapinos and cheese on the nachos. Again, I've been foiled by it. And it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle. I don't know how you feel about that.
Starting point is 00:38:58 Sometimes it can be okay. The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay. I mean, is it just the texture is the same, it's quite cold. tasting so yeah i thought podron peppers was a was a good shout no it was more just like i don't actually think when push comes to shove i know what side dish is broccoli yeah but you could have uh that is actually yeah thank you i mean any any type of veg yeah loads of vegetables all right i do quite like that tender stem broccoli i thought you're gonna say chips because you're saying how much you love them at the start i know but i thought but there's not real that does
Starting point is 00:39:27 sound like i'm just nachos and chips is insane yeah after two loads of bread yeah which actually To be honest, now I'm thinking about it is quite on brand because I do, I will, I do get excited about the bread and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad. Like a salad or something? Kidney beans and mayonnaise. Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side. How about that on the side?
Starting point is 00:39:46 There's probably kidney beans in the nachos as well. I have been known to put some grated cheese in that. Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce. That's okay, there isn't it? Just rice and soy sauce is okay. It's a snack. That's not gross. You ate that sometimes.
Starting point is 00:40:00 Yeah, yeah. You don't want that as your side dish. It's not gross, it's odd. That's your, that's a snack you have. Is it odd? Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward. They go together. Yeah, go together.
Starting point is 00:40:10 Yeah, it's just like, I can't be bothered to make, you know, a stir fry. So I'll just get the components, write some toys up. Yeah. Yeah, okay. All the components of a stirre fry. Very carbly, isn't it? Okay, no, I will stick with, I'll go padron pepper poppers. Oh, nice.
Starting point is 00:40:27 There you go. Don't think it's ever been done before. Surely not. So cream cheese in the patch on peppers and breadcrummed, all the round. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Padron pepper poppers. Okay. So you never had that before, obviously.
Starting point is 00:40:38 No, I don't. You've just invented it. No, I don't think it's the thing. Someone must have made that. People have made weirder things. You think people have stuffed a patron pepper before? Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:47 Peter Piper. Peter Piper did it? That's very good. Thank you. That's what the restaurant's called. Invite him to your meal? Do you think he'd get on? Do you think Peter Piper would get on with your guest list?
Starting point is 00:40:58 He's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he? He'd be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers. Everywhere I fucking go. These better not be pickled. Oh. Pickled Padron. Shakespeare, just like steadily pushing the plate to one side.
Starting point is 00:41:14 Yeah. Into the bin. What's the medieval version of nachos? Mutton. What's the medieval version of nachos? I don't know. Potatoes and mutton. Yeah, potatoes and mutton, I think.
Starting point is 00:41:28 Yeah. your dream drink stevie martin okay um i've recently found what my drink is um of like what i could order in a bar and be like yeah that is that is what i want to drink i really like vodka martinis that are extra dry so very like very little vermuth so little that you can't really dirty with loads of olive brine in it and that won't go with nachos but i've got the sparkling water to to, I suppose. So, yeah, I think that's my favorite. I can't have the lemon martini.
Starting point is 00:42:08 And also, lots of people are really rude to you when you order that. Really? And so I went to a meeting in Soho House. And I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini specifically. And she went, you can't have it extra dry and extra dirty. And I was like, but I can. And she went, that's not how you have them. And I was like, okay.
Starting point is 00:42:26 And then I was like, well, I think you can because I've had them other places. And then they came back and she'd done it so full of the mood. It was like a little glass of famuth. I was like, okay. I fucking hate those places. Yeah. It was like 25 pounds. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:38 So like, come on, man. Why would you do that? Every member's club and fucking fuck himself. I absolutely hate it. Thank you. Telling you how you have your martini. It's not how it's done and passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:52 Even though it's like more expensive than anywhere else and you probably had to, someone had to pay a membership to get there. They would at least sign you in. But maybe you're a member of there. I'm not. What I should do is I should go to. To say her house and order a pint of wine with some coke syrup in it. Yeah, do that.
Starting point is 00:43:06 And then just stare at her unblinkingly. Calamacho, please. Calamacho, please, yeah. You had those martinis at your wedding party? The Stevie Martini. The Stevie Martini. Of course. Come on.
Starting point is 00:43:17 I made little posters. Yeah, I had loads of them. Telling people. The problem is with martinis, because I take big sips. Oh, they are off. Everyone was very drunk. So I was like, and then I was queuing for the bar. I got my Stevie martini.
Starting point is 00:43:30 And by the time I'd walked away from a bar, drunk it. Yeah. So then I had to go again and to get two at the time. Yeah. Yeah. So they also didn't really know what to do to make, I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives.
Starting point is 00:43:43 And then they had to go to Tescas halfway through to get more. That's good. That's a good part. Yeah. Yeah, I think I might have that or a calomacho just to balance it out because I've obviously really, you know, kind of hard on that. We've let people have multiple drinks on this. So if you want a calomacho at some point.
Starting point is 00:44:00 Yeah, I think I'll start with a calomacho and then. and then go into the vodka martini later. Do you genuinely like cali machos? Is there something you do? I do. Not syrup, but like Diet Coke and red wine. I've had it in a long time. But I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh my God.
Starting point is 00:44:16 And then I ordered the bar and they were like, we don't do wine anymore. And I was like, oh, this is a disaster. That I actually did. I went to all bar one and had some there. And yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it when you order it. They don't like it. Well, it's just not a thing here, I don't think, really is it? It's not a thing.
Starting point is 00:44:30 It's very Spanish. I'm a very Spanish woman You're too Spanish I've often said this about you Stevie But there's a restaurant around the corner from where I now live That actually has Calamato on the menu And it says literally It is a thing underneath
Starting point is 00:44:44 It's just nice And it's nice But yeah It's like it's a bit like Dr Pepper I think I had it in the Basque Country for Travel Man So the first time I ever had a calomacho It was on camera
Starting point is 00:44:56 A lot of pressure And I came back and told my nephews about it. They got very excited and wanted to make it at a barbecue and they asked me can you film us for Joe Lyset please so he can see us. So they did it and they were very, you know like primary school kids but very
Starting point is 00:45:12 professional all of a sudden in front of the camera. They did the whole making it thing and then I remember when they made it they went and now to taste before they had it. Like bartender's day. Yeah, yeah. It was good. I had it when I did a Spanish exchange trip when I was 15 or 16.
Starting point is 00:45:28 Yeah. Yeah. My Spanish exchange Jesus showed me how to make it. Oh, wow. Did you get on? You and Jesus? Yeah, we got on big time. That's good. Yeah, he's a metal head.
Starting point is 00:45:37 When he came to stay in England, he walked up, we went to pick him up from the school, and he walked up to my mum and said, Hello, I am Jesus. And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus. That's excellent. I like him. Calamacho, of course.
Starting point is 00:45:54 That's quite young to start on my calamachos. Yeah. A gateway to why, I suppose. Yeah, that's how I really got into. wine is like a calamitra. Yeah. Is this, are you noticing there's some like,
Starting point is 00:46:05 are you getting some like fruity other tastes? This one is very coke. Calameli. Very cokinoles. I think that's great. That's my favourite part of your menu so far. Yes, because the other one was just bread.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Everything else has been. I like bread. I'm into it. I'm not too bonkers. But like, this is a, I still eat it all. Your whole menu, I'd eat it. Okay, sure. But, uh, this is,
Starting point is 00:46:30 I want that now, that drink. Great. Well, you can at any point. Benito won't let us. Your dream dessert, Stevie. Right. When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing, I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that.
Starting point is 00:46:48 But I'm actually not going to go for that. Because I think, so recently I had like a really good, we were on like one then package. We were on a package holiday type thing and we were in the canteeny bit where you're just getting used up and they had vegan apple pie or like vegan friendly apple pie
Starting point is 00:47:07 with custard that you could have. It was also weirdly on the same night that we were convinced that Neil Morrissey was there as well. What a night! And then we had to look up where he was and he was like doing a West End show and we were like,
Starting point is 00:47:20 oh but he's got me! And then we sort of next thing we're like, it couldn't look less like Neil Morrissey. It's just a weird thing to just see Neil Morrissey, very specific. So I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie while I'm like looking at Neil. It wasn't Neil.
Starting point is 00:47:35 It wasn't Neil. It wasn't for me to say. Yeah, really like old style, like deep dish, chunky apple, sweet but not. You've got a bit of the sour notes coming through. And take the time to buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice. And no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert. They're like, that's surely enough. You're like, oh, did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady?
Starting point is 00:48:01 Yeah, it's what I say? It's for the lady. And it's quite like, it's often sorbet that doesn't go. We've only got sorbet. Like, I'm putting fucking mango sorbet on an apple pie. Like, that's fucking awful. No, yeah. So, I mean, that sounds very nice.
Starting point is 00:48:16 Thank you. Piping hot. Um, lukewarm, I think. I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately. And you're like, bleh. And the custard? Cold? Is that fine?
Starting point is 00:48:28 Yeah. Yeah, cold's fine. That's what I'd do. Cold custard with hot apple pie. Yeah, the best combo. Of course. Then you don't have hot and hot. No, some people do.
Starting point is 00:48:36 Some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on hot apple pie. That's just so much heat. Yeah. For your dessert as well. That's not good. They're wrong. They're wrong. They're not very broad-minded people.
Starting point is 00:48:49 Yeah, I understand. That's fine. And then some bread on it or something. And then a napkin. How do you feel about the, overall beigeness of your menus. Yeah, I'm quite horrified by it because I think what this is doing
Starting point is 00:49:04 is it's, and quite right understandably, presenting me as this person who like just has like the palate of a child. But it's really not true. It's just that it was either that or like a roast dinner and I just thought like but I can make a, like I've had
Starting point is 00:49:20 so many nice vegan roast dinners out. You can get rid of. I just have never had the nachos. It's very unhealthy but also. You could have had the nachos as your starter and then done the roast dinner. That wouldn't have gone with, imagine it ordering nachos as a starter and then having a roast it. I just don't think that compliments it.
Starting point is 00:49:35 I think that's nice. Right. God, it really opened my mind. I'm not sorry, I've never been to a restaurant before. I think that would be nice. That would be nice. You have been to a restaurant El Camion. Yeah. Repeatedly.
Starting point is 00:49:48 Every week. Because I think that actually I have had starters and they've been like brusquette but that is just breads as well with tomato. That's actually Italian nachos. You've got your base, and you've got your tomato. Yeah. But at least if you said Bichetta, then we wouldn't eat like you've got bread again. That would be bread again.
Starting point is 00:50:05 Is it like bread with a skirt or not? I can't say a hat, but I understand. How do you put it underneath? You put the tomorrow underneath your bread. Yeah, yeah, put it around it. The, yeah, it's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is. It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know, though. I don't have that sort of diet.
Starting point is 00:50:25 Okay. But you wish you did. Maybe it's when I go out and I'm like, well, in my worst, you know, in my, my worst restaurants are always like, I basically don't have any choice. So I end up having a sort of like a stuffed pepper that's got cuscus in it
Starting point is 00:50:40 with some vegetables. And it's like, and that's fine. I matter where I am, it's like, that's fine. Or there's like a fucking burger. It's always a, like everyone has a burger and chips. And actually, really nice, but I'm quite fed up of just having that. And also I'm quite, the sadness
Starting point is 00:50:54 in other people's eyes when they see there's not enough vegan options. It's like I've, like, affect the vibe of the hang. And so I suppose this is sort of like, well, hang on, I can actually just eat like a pig, like a little piggy when I'm out and just have like, you know, all the bread, all the hearty, ridiculous stuff that I don't ever get to have. So really go for it. But I will be knocked out. Like, you're not going out after this or having after drinks. Like, I'm asleep. That's what, the booth will come in really handy. This is true. I can just slide down. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:24 Yeah, I was thinking slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table, but that's not booth specific. That's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy. No, you could do that off the chair. Yeah, you do that off any table, but do it now. The floor will be handy. So you've got your mate, you've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there. You don't want to be like under the table. I think he'd be okay with it.
Starting point is 00:51:44 He's quite a chill guy. We went to have my first ever pie and mash the other day. Oh, yeah. At a pie and mash place then with, because Kyle had never had pie mash before. and we went to a place and so that everyone got very angry because apparently wasn't a specific pie and mash place. But it was really nice. That would have been another one, actually, gravy, pie and mash
Starting point is 00:52:01 because that doesn't feel very vegan. Things that don't feel vegan I'm very interested in. Like an apple pie you don't think I was vegan. Bread, you do. Basically, I just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot. Because, you know, I'm a varied woman, but it hasn't come through. Well, let's see. I'll read your menu back to you in now.
Starting point is 00:52:22 You can see how you feel. about it. I don't like it. Flat sparkling water. I don't want it. Okay, as we go through, as we go through. I'm trying to be truthful. I'm specifically like, I'm not going to go for the joke. And then halfway through you, you're like, you sound like you're making me talk. Okay, go on. But each one, I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it, okay?
Starting point is 00:52:43 Thank you. Yeah. You want a French baguette with salted vegan butter and a gingham serviette. That's absolutely fine. I back that. Start a bread platter with olive oil. and balsamic and dips. No, I think I'd swap that for like a cheese board, a vegan cheese board. Okay. Yeah, sure.
Starting point is 00:53:00 So they're for a vegan cheese board. Yeah, with like crackers, so it's less bread. Okay. Main course nachos? I want to change it to a roast dinner. Okay. You would, the nachos was the centerpiece of this whole episode. I know, I know.
Starting point is 00:53:15 Okay, I'll stick with them nachos, okay. And then for starter, tiny roast dinner. Okay, so changing the starter again now. So I changed on a tiny roast dinner. Completely, yeah. Very, very short amount of time. Side dish, Padron Pepper Poppers. That does sound delicious when you said it back to me.
Starting point is 00:53:36 I was like, yes, please, I'd like for some of them. Drink a Stevie Martini. Great. That's the only thing. And the colour macho earlier in the meal. Yes, at some point. Does a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard? Yes, yes, like that.
Starting point is 00:53:46 Yeah, big time. So we're basically, yeah, the starter is the main thing that you kind of. Was obsessed about. But now you're having a tiny roast dinner. Now I'm having a tiny roast dinner, yes. So, like, you know, like one, like a little, like a doll's house. All in the Yorkshire pudding? The Yorkshire pudding full of...
Starting point is 00:54:02 You can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans. Oh, okay. Because they've got, like, milk in them. And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat, like a, like a drinks coaster. They look like that. That's awful. So I wouldn't even be bothering with that. It would be all about the...
Starting point is 00:54:15 It would be the gravy that's the things. As long as it's not a juu. I hate it when they're like, when it's... Oh, here's your roasting. It's a butternut squash. wash with a jewell on it. I can't do that. It has to be a meat substitute.
Starting point is 00:54:28 Yeah. Bisto gravy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Roast. How tiny are we talking? Because your issue with starters initially was it's something you like, but it's too small,
Starting point is 00:54:37 so it's gone. Yeah. And you could have just said to us, I want a full roast dinner for my start on, because it's your dream menu. We'd let you know. Yeah. It doesn't have to be tiny. It's scuppered by the rules.
Starting point is 00:54:47 All right. That I've invented. That I've invented that no one said anything about. The restrictions that you've before. Full roast dinner. then, yeah, thank you. Full size. Full size,
Starting point is 00:54:54 resin it. And then, oh my God, that's amazing. Thank you. And then I've got the nachos to look forward to. Yeah. And then I'm not stopping
Starting point is 00:55:01 there because I was in topping it off at the pie. Oh my God. And you got the Padron. The Pisto grade. It's got quite a range. Arbisto before we wrap it up. Ah, Bisto.
Starting point is 00:55:10 If Bisto are listening, Stevie does voice over work. There you go. Yeah. Not for Bisto though. Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Stevie. I think I messed that up so badly.
Starting point is 00:55:21 But thank you for having me. Well, there we are, James, the wonderful Stevie Martin. She fell apart. She fell apart, as I predicted in the intro, I think. Yeah. She fell apart, probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second. Yeah, really, a lot of self-doubt. And I imagine all the way home, that's going around in their head.
Starting point is 00:55:45 Yes, yeah, absolutely. And that's what we like to get into our guest's heads and maybe ruin their week. Well, if there's any consolation to say, Stevie. You didn't choose stevia. You didn't choose the secret ingredient. So it went better than you think it did maybe. Yeah. But you're on worse. From self-doubt to clout. Stevie is on tour now with her show Clout. So go and investigate the dates for that. Yes. It's going to be fantastic. You should absolutely hurry along. Hurry along. And we will hurry along and go and make a new episode for you next week. Yeah. Joe, what? You got yourself a deal. See you next week. See you
Starting point is 00:56:19 next week. Bye. Bye. My name is Ryan. This is my best friend, Tony, and we host the Tony and Ryan podcast. And despite being from Australia, people right across Canada listen every single day. Jared's in Alberta. How did you discover the podcast? Someone was just like, oh my God, you need to check out. These two from Australia. and I was hooked right away.
Starting point is 00:56:52 I was like, oh, my God, I was pissing myself laughing in my truck and, like, it just got worse from there. Oh, well, but it's good. In a good way. It gets worse with how good it is, and that's just the beauty of friendship. Tony and Ryan, every day.

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