Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Stevie Martin
Episode Date: August 6, 2025‘Taskmaster’ alumnus, Nobody Panic podcaster and multimedia stand-up Stevie Martin has a reservation this week. But can she pick a side dish? Stevie Martin is on tour with her show ‘Clout’. Fo...r dates and tickets go to steviemartin.com Listen to Stevie’s podcast ‘Nobody Panic’ where you listen to podcasts. Follow Stevie on Instagram @5tevieM and TikTok @Stevie-MartinOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
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Oh, hi James. Have you heard the news?
Oh, yeah, go on.
You and I are modern boys, because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.
This is embarrassing.
Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube.
I love watching clips on YouTube, sure. Now people can watch clips of off-menu on YouTube, but it's embarrassing, man.
It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool. We're on YouTube with the great and good.
The coolest people in the world are on YouTube. Me, you, Logan Paul.
Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?
At Off Menu podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.
And we're on TikTok.
This is embarrassing, man.
It's not embarrassing, man, we're cool.
We're like Olivia Rodrigo.
And Ed, people have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.
They want to watch the Stephen Graham Supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.
They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.
Or Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.
He's going to do it.
Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok
At Off Menu Podcasts on YouTube
Hello and welcome to the off menu podcast
Taking the...
I'm not sure I think I might have done this one before, James,
I'm going to do it anyway.
Okay.
The mint leaves of conversation.
Oh, it's not making any bells?
muddling them in the glass
with the muddler of humour
I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before
adding the rum of
content
Now it's sounding like a good time
Maybe soda water
How do you make a Mahito?
Uh
Yes it's soda water
Of internet
Mahito
It's a Mahito
It's a podcastito
That is Ed Gamble
He's a podcast Hito
Karagai
My name is James Ayakaster
Together we own a dream restaurant
And we invite in every single week
a guest. We are some of the favourite ever start.
A main course dessert, cider shan drink, not in that order.
And this week, our guest is...
Stevie Martin.
Stevie Martin, a wonderful comic, wonderful online content as well, James.
Yes, Stevie Martin does it all.
Steve Martin does it all.
Online, offline. What else is there?
Midline.
Midline. Hey.
She's very, very funny.
Looking forward to speaking to Stevie.
Also, a brilliant podcaster.
Part of the Plosive family.
The Plosive family, of course.
The Nobody Panic Podcast.
that she does with Tessa Coates, she's under the
plosive umbrella, she's under the wing
of Benito. Oh, yes, yes. I imagine Benito having wings more than
an umbrella, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's got one. Even though in real life,
yeah. He's more likely to be carrying an umbrella, but I imagine
the great Benito, the character of the great Benito. Yeah, have wings. Have wings.
And it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito. It is
very safe. Warm and safe. Under there, baby birds.
Stevie Martin's new show, Clout, is on tour. He hates it. He doesn't
like that. Her new show, Clout.
is on tour soon so keep an eye out for that and just go and follow stevie on social media as well
she's very very good and stevie is on taskmaster so that's very exciting very very exciting because
i'd say stevie out of a lot of people i know is the sort of person who is always just slightly
like one second away from a very funny meltdown absolutely there's a reason why it's called
nobody panic podcast yes it's absolutely applying to the hosts yes and um stevie will panic and i don't
know what's happened on Taskmaster.
No.
I guarantee the listeners right now.
If they watch it, they're going to see Stevie
Martin panicking.
Absolutely.
Of course, if there's a secret ingredient,
Steve, you really will be panicking because we're kicking her out at the
Dream restaurant.
That is true.
And we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time, James.
It's Stevie.
Stevia.
Stevia, suggested by the Great Benito, because Stevie's name is Stevie.
He pulled that out of his wing?
Yeah.
And if you add an her, it's Stevia.
Stevea's a, like, natural sweetener.
Oh, I.
I didn't know what it was.
Yes.
And that's quite good actually, because that is, you know, people don't really like sweetness.
Mm.
So it works on every level.
I think it's natural.
I'm pretty sure it's natural.
Yeah.
I don't know, I always need to check these things because, I don't know if you've noticed about me, James.
I like to say things about food with huge confidence and quite often they're wrong and people get angry about it.
Really?
Yeah.
Because I'm not like, you know, we said Stevie Martin rules the online.
I'm offline these days.
Yes.
I have no idea.
So I still think you're right about everything.
Yeah, I know.
And I don't know that people call you out.
Correcting me all the time.
And correctly, you should correct me if I'm wrong.
Fair enough, but I'm walking around just regurgitating this shit
and saying it to people and believe in it.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I've got you in real trouble over the years.
Yeah, I'll probably look like a right fall everywhere I go.
Yeah, that's true. That's not my fault.
Yeah, I heard that's natural, that's sweet.
Yeah.
What the hell?
Hey, Gaston.
But it just mouth off again.
But as Stevie says, stevia, and that doesn't count her own name.
No.
If she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to kick her out.
We're going to let that side.
But if she says Stevie, she's gone.
So, this is the off-meny menu, menu of Stevie Martin.
Welcome, Stevie to the dream restaurant.
Hello, I've got egg on me.
Welcome, Stevie Martin, to the dream restaurant.
We'll be expecting you for some time.
You said it's toothpaste or egg.
It's toothpaste or egg.
Toothpaste or egg.
Toothpaste or egg.
Popidots.
Big, popcorn.
Yeah, it's on my shorts.
I'm thinking, no, it's not, it's on my, is that a lapel?
No, that's a lapel.
No, lapel's up there.
I'm an idiot.
For the listener.
I'd imagine it's, she'd point to her knee.
Yeah, it was, I'd imagine its toothpaste given the positioning of it.
Would you, who brushes the teeth around the side?
That's fairly low, yeah.
I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt around to the side.
Yeah.
I think you've lent against something chalky.
Yes.
Yeah, or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap.
That makes more sense.
Yeah.
Just to solve the mystery immediately.
It also doesn't look like egg, I would say.
It doesn't look like egg, no.
Yes, okay, fine.
Thanks, welcome.
Thank you.
I love the restaurant.
Thank you.
What can you see in the restaurant?
What's going on?
So, it's a very chill vibe because I don't, I think there's a place for your kind of, do-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-d-do, and that's fun too.
Yeah, what?
I know exactly what you mean.
No, pipes.
What's the instrument?
What?
Do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-drums.
A recorder?
Do you do this song?
A recorder.
That's not.
Like a fancy restaurant with like classical music.
Yeah, like a string quartet maybe, yeah.
Thank you.
Right, there's none of that.
I'm thinking it's kind of like, regardless of the food I'm going to choose,
you know, when you go to like a Mexican restaurant and you're like,
yeah, I could hang here for ages and have some mugwigs and talk really loudly.
And there's like a chill, relaxed, but they're still going to like bring your cutlery.
Like you don't have to go and get your cutlery and like get your own water
and then also do all your food and serve yourself, like, you can still just like,
it just feels relaxed.
There's like a good colour scheme, bright.
I'll be honest, what you described there to me,
apart from you saying it's chilled,
does not sound chilled in the slightest.
Because you said it's really loud
and you're shouting at each other.
You can talk loudly,
but there's not very loud music,
so it doesn't escalate,
so it's just people.
And maybe there's like candlelight.
It was bright.
Yeah, I did say bright.
There's a lot of candles.
There's a lot of candles.
It's sort of like five per table.
It's quite dangerous.
It's quite dangerous.
I feel very relaxed, but boiling.
Okay.
Yeah, there's a window open
And...
Candles keep blowing out.
Boads.
Boads.
Boots.
Yeah, nice.
That's fine.
I can envision it.
There's a place in Soho called L. Camion.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
And it's not great.
But it actually, no, it is great.
It's not relaxed.
Is it good, though?
This will be a theme.
I'm not going to be able to come down hard on either option.
There's boots.
And when you go in there, you're just, like,
like, yeah, I could hang here, rather than that, like, I've got an hour and a half
slot and I simply must leave.
Yeah. And it's Instagramable. You know, it's not Instagramable. It's like a chill.
I keep saying that I'm a chill. You can say chill. Yeah. It's really chill.
Yeah, you'd like a chill. I just want to be more chill. Booth.
A chill booth. Yeah. So that would be, I understand that. You were like a chill booth.
Chill booth. To have your meal in.
Yeah, with friends. What friends? Yeah. Oh, wow.
Who's the guest list for the dream meal?
The guest list of my dream meal. William Shakespeare, of course.
Your friend?
My friend and my friend, unfortunate name, there was a guy in my school called Michael Jackson.
Yeah?
Yeah.
How was Michael Jackson as a person, your friend I'm talking about?
He had some problems.
Yeah, quite early on.
I don't think your mind was saying.
We didn't know each other.
I didn't speak to him because of his name, obviously.
People won't be able to find him out.
This isn't in a baby reindeer situation.
People Google him.
Yeah, not a Googlerable name.
Did he go by Mike?
No, he went by like Michael.
It's like, call me Michael.
The King of Pop.
Yeah, Michael the King of Pop, yeah.
Poor guy.
I'm not his fault, of course.
It is if you ask to be called Michael.
Yeah, it's true.
The dream guest you've asked me for,
we'll have to say Michael Jackson now, but I don't want to.
Okay, great.
Absolutely.
I absolutely don't have to say that.
Thank you, thank you.
Actual friends, there'd be, I think, a nice.
My friend, Kyle really likes food and has many opinions on food.
Yes.
So he's quite good to have because...
We've heard all of them.
Oh, he's been on this podcast.
Yes.
Of course he has.
Yeah, he did tell me.
Of course he has.
And didn't he bring tequila or something?
No.
No, we had whiskey here.
It was an evening record, and I think the record was about three hours long.
Yeah, yeah.
Because we started drinking whiskey.
Great.
That might be happening today.
I don't want to do that.
No.
I'm a very efficient woman.
I'm in him out, and I don't like whiskey.
That's how I like to approach restaurants as well.
Just to let you know.
Just let you know.
I'm in and out, despite saying my dream meal, you can hang for as long as possible.
And I don't like whiskey.
Right.
See, I've got to have more opinions.
No.
Kyle.
Kyle, just me and Kyle, my friend Lola,
because she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering.
Again, very chill.
And then William Shakespeare, of course,
because I think he'd be very out of place.
Yeah, I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024.
Yeah, possibly, actually.
Although some people on Twitter still talk like, you know,
my lady and all of that, I don't know, there's men.
How would William Shakespeare react to that a lot of his language
has been taken on by incels?
I'd say an uncle
Yeah
No, he'd love it
Maybe he's the original
Encel
Yeah, I think it is
To be fair
Romeo and Juliet
She's very young
Just something to think about
Is that an insult thing?
I don't know
No, that's a Pido thing
Isn't it?
And we're back to Michael Jackson
Oh, for God's sake
Well, allegedly
Oh Lord
Which one we're talking about
Yeah
Just to be clear
He wasn't my friend
He was three years below me and I never spoke to him.
Yeah, but you just knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacog because it's, yeah.
It wasn't in my year, but everyone called him Crispy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, my grandma was called Chris Martin.
What?
I think I'll play.
Yeah.
Your grandma?
Yeah.
You know that your name's similar to a celebrities as well?
Uh, no.
I'll leave you Google it after.
Martin Short.
Google that up.
Is he your cleaning?
Yeah, it is quite similar.
So, yeah, that's mine.
William Shakespeare, Kyle and Lola.
Nice.
I like to keep it short.
Tessa, not making the cut.
Husband, not making the cut.
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
He's sort of a like food as fuel.
Oh, really?
Really difficult.
It annoys me when, because he's clearly in very good shape as well.
And you're like, that's...
He's...
I think he's in media, as in like, he's naturally quite lean looking.
He looks strong.
But he's, yeah, I mean, he swims a lot.
Does that mean he's in good shape?
Stevie, I'm going to say, if someone says he's in good shape.
if someone says your husband's in good shape, you just go, yeah.
Well, James did say, really?
Yeah.
So there were two sides you could have taken there, and you very much went with James, I think.
I did, I think.
I just had to, yeah, he's in great shape, but it is food is fuel.
He takes the piss out of Hewled quite a lot, but I think he would benefit quite a lot from that.
Just sometimes he is like, Frieders Heel.
It's quite upsetting, but sometimes, you know, when we're trying to make, like, it's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner, because he'll be like, oh, anything.
As you've seen, I do need direction
otherwise I will take everyone's opinion
and then sort of get very hot
Does he mean that?
Does he mean that when he says everything, though?
Oh, really?
Occasionally, I mean, if I was like, I don't know,
a cheese slice and an onion,
he'd be like, well, not that, obviously.
But yeah, he will sort of,
he calls it shovel it in food.
He'll just be like, yeah, I'll have some chauvelet in food.
Like, but what about taste?
Yeah, taste food.
Yeah, table about tasted food.
Because when I have that chat,
with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat? And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat?
And she'll say, oh, anything. And then we go on an hour long conversation where I suggest things
and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants. Yes, no, that is also.
Tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room. I love it. Very happily married,
just so we've got to cook a meal. Actually, really easy to cook a meal because I cook him anything.
I was just saying a Benito. It's got some squares in.
Benito is in a civil partnership? Yeah. I'm technically in a civil partnership.
Yeah, so is Stevie. Yeah. Doesn't count.
I want to ask about your page back on.
Yeah.
Oh, you got fully married?
Yeah, fully married.
I'm sorry.
I'd be sorry.
I had a great time.
I tied up there.
He sang hymns at his wedding.
Was there a priest?
Yes, there was a priest.
It was Bishop, Bishop Tutu.
Okay.
No, it was just a, as Charlie referred to her before we met her as a goober from the council.
And then it turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy.
feel bad when you meet him on the knife
making fun of you for weeks
our ceremony was very short
there was a 30 rock quote
and then we finished
flaming lips down the aisle
oh that's good
that's very cool
very on brand
she had an infection
I was going to say about throsh
and I was like
don't say that
but you
sometimes
I mean there's not many guests
I would actually just say that
but I'd normally have to wait
until after the episode
and say to James
I wanted to say that then
Yeah, then I'll have a good laugh.
That's the benefit of being me.
I get all the extra stuff.
I benefit because I get all their head's humour after the shows.
I'm a lucky boy.
Most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment.
You should do off-menu, the extra bite or the after-party.
Second half-hand.
You've already done that, have any of desserts.
Yeah, to be fair.
Well, it was just puddings it was called.
Loads of people got annoyed at that.
They were saying it should be just desserts.
That's the point.
Fair enough, guys.
Christ.
Sometimes it's about the low-hanging fruit, isn't it?
And of course, you're going on tour with Clout, the show that you did at Edinburgh.
I did.
And what can you tell the listeners?
Edinburgh went so well that I was just like, I think I've got to go on tour.
I've never been on a tour before.
You've both done tour.
Are they good?
Do we like them?
Depends.
Each their own.
Okay.
See how you feel about it.
Well, James hates touring.
Right.
I think I'd be like that.
Yeah.
You love it, I imagine.
Oh, I do.
Yeah, I quite like it once I'm in the rhythm of it.
Okay.
But I do do a lot of just eating now.
I was in dressing rooms in market towns.
I was quite like to do that.
Yeah, yeah.
I used to never really gig outside of London
because I was just frightened of, I don't really know, traveling.
And then I've done quite a few,
before I'd have read quite a few previews outside of London
and would do like a bunch of them
and travel around, often known as what a tour would be like.
Find it quite fun.
I think I'm quite good on my own.
I think I'm quite, do I have to like make decisions
based on what other people want to do?
Simply just like, I'd like to tweak that now.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Yeah.
Of crisp dinners with different flavors.
Some of different courses.
I did.
I'd travel crisps.
Something I've got really into this year.
I never really,
honestly,
I don't think I'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year.
Well,
that's a huge revelation.
Yeah,
I've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself.
They're always around.
Not always.
They're always around.
But like,
I'd take someone else's or I'd be like,
oh, a lovely bowl of crisps,
or at a buffet, for example,
or a party.
Yes.
But I have tortilla chip.
Loads, but not actual, like, flavoured crisps.
And this year, I've really got into them.
So this is your thing this year?
It's my thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was ready salted.
Oh, prawn cocktail for starters.
Ready salted for your main.
And then, and then whatever, like, a different shape for dessert.
Yeah.
Hula hoops.
So that's your crisp dinner.
Yeah.
That you have on tour.
I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Yeah.
Because it's like prawns.
Yeah.
It's like prawns.
It's like prawn cocktails.
It's like the start of prawn cotter.
God.
What the fuck?
Okay, yeah, sure.
Pretty salted, palate cleanser and you can eat it without getting bored.
Really? I get bored immediately.
Okay, but you're like that.
Obviously, you've really salted as a side dish, like a bowl of chips.
See, I would have chips as a main and do quite regularly.
But I'm not a bland person.
It's just, it's all about the dip.
I would get dips as well.
So you'd get like hummus.
That's it.
hummus
I couldn't find
a lot of good
salsa if I could
but prawn cocktail
salsa is pretty bad
I think you're going to
have a great tour
yeah
yeah
I'm going to have a heart attack
within about
four days
and some sort of
sodium and balance
massive vitamin deficiency
huge scurvy
yeah
that I'll get
like I'm a sailor
which is the
true tour
we always start
with still of sparkling
water Stevie
what would you like
I like, I've only recently got into sparkling
Same time as the crisps?
My God, yes.
Yeah, wow.
You're having quite the year.
I'm having a massive gastronomical year.
And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat
because it doesn't taste like still water.
It's still got that like aftertaste.
So I'd quite like, I suppose flat sparkling.
Sparkling water has been there for a while, so it's not so like edgy.
Right.
I've got spiky.
That's kind of mad, isn't it?
it that when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water.
Like, what are they putting in it?
Whatever they used to carbonate, it is still floating around in there dead.
Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas.
CO2 carbon dioxide, just floating around in water.
That's what you want.
That's what I want.
I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode.
For someone's menu.
Okay, okay.
No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet.
And this is the first time.
Have you had that?
Yeah, I really don't like it.
Okay.
I don't like the flat, the flat fizzy water.
I don't mind it.
Okay, great.
I actually prefer, there's some sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer.
Let's try after.
Yeah, so, yeah.
I want a, I want a list of those.
Bacua.
Badawa.
Bada.
Not Bacquah, because that's short for backwash, probably, isn't it?
I thought that.
Badwa.
Okay, I'll have that then.
Less gas?
No, no, no, you're getting your flat sparkling water.
That's what you're going to your dream mill.
Yeah, I do want that.
That's what you're having.
Thank you.
And also that means as well
that people around the table
who are with me,
William, Shakespeare, or whatever,
because, oh my God,
sparkling one would blow his mind.
It would then allow everyone else to partake.
Yeah.
Because they wouldn't,
like the water would be slightly off,
but they wouldn't quite know why.
It tastes like gone off water.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
You know, when a hummus goes quite lemonade,
yeah, I still will.
But like,
and you want that.
Gone off water.
Yeah,
I haven't asked me about my side dish yet,
but it will be gone off on us.
It's quite nice when it's lemon.
Sometimes I put lemon.
lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off of it.
But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think.
Well, yeah, it also does.
It's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on.
That's so true.
Yes, silver sparkling dips.
Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat?
Because I do like it when, like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that.
It's lovely.
I like that as well.
I used to work in a bar and when the thing would be off and everyone would be like,
oh, the syrup, it's just syrup.
That'd be my drink.
Just the syrup.
Just the syrup with red wine.
That was very quick.
Yeah, it's called a calomacho.
It's busy for a calumacho.
Yeah, it's not the syrup.
No, but it's...
Calamacho is half and half.
Yeah.
Coke and red wine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I just do that with a little bit less syrup.
You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso.
Yeah.
But you're doing it with the Coke.
It's like an espresso win tini.
You heard it here first.
An espresso wine tini.
It's got nothing to do with espresso.
No.
No.
But the wine's in there.
That's fine.
I used to drink...
at uni, Baileys and Coke mix it up.
Tastes like cake mix.
Looks like vomit.
Yeah, it doesn't Bailey's curdle, won it?
Oh, terribly.
Yeah, yeah.
So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs.
It looked like I've been sick in my own glass.
You were ordering that at clubs?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions.
Whereas in clubs, like, next one, next one.
They'd be like, what?
Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
And they wouldn't have judgment.
So you can have order anything.
And after the first time you did it,
then you exactly what you were going to do.
Right.
Which is like that again, yes.
Here you fucking comes.
I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now.
About juicy, these things constantly.
It's like, I'm all right.
I just eat to survive, thank you.
Yeah.
I think I have a lot of combination.
There's been, he did ask me if I could stop eating.
So I used to have like, not all the time, but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can, drain them,
and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork.
And he was like, can you stop?
Just cat, please can you stop
Or eat it in another room
So we were in like
Studio flat for a while
So that I couldn't eat that
And then we've moved into a slightly
Like a two bed so then I'm able to
Take it to a bedroom
You've got your bean in a mayonnaise room
Yeah
Yeah
I think that only happens like twice a year
Yeah
And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover
Or like a bit morose
I say in terms of hangover food
Kidney beans in the tin
With mayonnaise mixed in
It's got to be the worst
That would not be even sicker
The idea of it
It would make you feel sick.
The actual reality of it, like with most things,
is much better than you think.
As long as you get, you don't get a bit of water in the,
and you know, like the water that it's in.
That makes me feel a bit sick.
Poplubs or bread.
Poplums or bread, Stevie Martin.
Poplubs or bread.
Bread.
Bread, French baguette in a basket with a little gingham serviet.
The listener won't have seen the mine,
but you just sliced it basically.
Yeah, I just sliced it.
And I put it in a basket.
Yeah.
And pop the little napkin.
I like a little bit of decoration.
Where are you putting the napkin?
Underneath the bread, so I can't get through it.
Yeah, because every, every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes.
You've put the bread in the basket, and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread.
Yeah, that's how it's...
Like a reverse tablecloth, you know, being pulled out from underneath something.
Yeah.
You kind of somehow get in the napkin underneath the bread that's already in the box.
Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top?
No.
No.
No, that's part of the art.
And then also pop a napkin on top, just stop the flies.
Okay.
It's a drink restaurant.
Stop the flight.
Where are you?
Oh, I'm in a, yeah, I'm in a, it's a dream restaurant, but it is next to a sewage plant.
I couldn't, I couldn't control the geography of the dream, the dream restaurant, sadly.
Is this warm?
The bread, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But not too warm that you're like, oh, it's just like, it's at the butter melting.
I think that's, that's, that's, you simply must have that.
Yeah, well, I just, where is it coming from?
Is it coming from a bakery?
Is it just coming from the package?
I don't want to know where anything has come from.
I have just no.
interest in where anything has come from. I just wanted to be here like I'm in it like it I'm the
wizard. It's a magical place. Yes. Origeny. Origeny. Yeah. Yeah. For example. I don't like, yeah, I don't need to
know farm to fork, you know. I mean, I am a vegan. So that's, I don't know what's happening in the
farm. But like, I don't need to know any of that stuff. You can just be, I think cheap white bread is what
I want in a restaurant rather than a sort of like, you know, when it arrives it's like whole meal. I'm not
interested in that.
I'm out and about.
Baggett.
I want baguette.
Yeah.
I think that's fair enough.
This butter.
Yeah.
Talk me through the butter.
Vegan, of course.
Yeah.
So I was going to, I was toying with the idea of just being like, well, rather than be
vegan, just have what you would like and then just have a great time.
I'm allergic to dairy, that's why.
Yeah.
And I would have like a right time of it the next day or during the meal.
And, but this is a fantasy land, but I still couldn't.
And there's some really good vegan butter.
You've got to salt it.
You've got to salt it.
Yeah.
Otherwise, it just tastes like marjorie.
from the 70s.
It's a real issue.
So I'd want it melted.
Pats, little pats,
obviously a napkin underneath
and on a little tanny plate
like this.
Yeah.
Do you have a brand of,
because like...
Flora buttery.
Flora buttery.
Yeah, it's really good,
accidentally vegan.
So that is margarine,
it probably margarine, isn't it?
It's a real shame.
What's that?
UPF?
Ultra-processed food?
I don't know.
It's apparently very bad for you.
There's a book out called like,
don't eat that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've seen that book.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen that book.
And it was all, like, vegan stuff is really bad for you.
Yeah.
And it's like tofu.
So it's a real shame.
That's a shame, actually.
Oh.
That's horrible for the vegans to find out.
So imagine, you know, a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans.
Yeah.
They're thinking about what they're eating, but they also probably think I'm on safe ground here.
Yeah.
We know that we've gone the better route than all these other people.
And then they're like, oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah.
I've already got my options limited.
And now I can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra-process.
Turns out there's just no way of staying alive.
Turns out, yeah, there literally isn't.
The vegan cheese, like, what is vegan cheese made of nuts or coconut?
Like, how is it doing that?
Save your show material for the tour.
Because you don't want to waste it on this podcast.
You're right, you're right, okay.
Yeah, yes.
You don't want to waste it on the pod.
Don't be dropping in there, how do you milk an almond gear?
That is my joke.
Come back to you time and time again.
Let's get into your meal proper, Stevie, your dream starter.
Is there a napkin?
It's just a napkin.
I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to, I do want more food at this point.
The problem I have with starters is that it's lose-lose because it's either like, obviously.
He loves it.
I know, but it's either, I love it and then it's too small.
So I'm like, well, now it's over.
Or I don't like it and it's detracted my appetite from the main boy.
Interesting.
And also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal, I find incredibly stressful and doesn't need.
So actually, I just sort of want some more bread.
Yeah.
Maybe with oil and balsamic this time.
Oh, you're mixing it up, but it's to the baguette?
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I think olive bread.
Yeah.
And then just like all the stuff in the bread.
Like, what's other stuff that goes in bread?
Tomato bread?
Yeah.
Olive oil bread.
That's forcatcher.
Ficatcha, yeah.
Right.
Nuts.
Nut bread.
I was going to say none.
I love why that cut.
Walnuts.
All right.
I'll have a walnut bread.
Garlic,
rosemary.
Oh,
fucking hell.
That's great.
We can just bring you,
for your starter
a whole bread platter
with all of those breads.
Yeah.
In many baskets.
And then it's like
tear and share,
you know,
everyone's like,
oh,
baguette's gone.
No,
it's going to be sharing that with you
because they've already had bread.
They've probably like a starter,
yeah.
With him Shakespeare's not
going to turn and sharing me.
That's quite a lot of bread,
isn't it?
But I'm not,
but I do,
I'm really into bread.
And I just,
And I don't think it would fill me up enough for the main.
It means that there's still like a good warm-up for the main.
Interesting, isn't it?
Because I'd say a lot of our guests have brought up the main problem they have
with the bread basket before the meal.
Isn't it fills them up?
But you've said, I'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up
after the bread basket I've had.
Yeah.
I see what you're saying.
And I agree with it.
But I'm talking sort of like a taste journey.
So my taste buds won't have blown out.
But they weren't tired out
And I won't be like
Longing for the starter
It's just gone
And being like well I want more of that for my main
Can I change it to a main you can't
Like I don't have to think about it
I just know that the main is going to be the main event
But I have that is a lot of bread
But I mean on this
If we're talking about like a bread platter
With all these different breads
You could put other things with it
Like different dips
All right yeah
We're back at Dip town now
I think well I think most of my choices
Are going to be dips
I'm really, I think dips is my sort of favorite food
I love, I can't, I hate, I hate dry meals
you know, like when you're like, it needs a bit more juice going on
so that dips, I'm safe, I just have dips with a spoon, that would be nice.
Do you do that?
Oh, hummus with a spoon, yeah, that's a thing, isn't it?
Yeah, hummus with a spoon, a bit of olive oil on it.
I live with an ischum, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He used to eat like a yoghurt.
Yeah, he comes like a yogurt, yeah.
Yeah, sometimes a little bit of whole cheese.
He's on, if you're feeling fancy.
Still visit him sometimes and there's like a completely,
what I think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned.
And then I realise it's not completely cleaned.
Yeah, upon closer inspection.
But it is still a little bit dirty,
but someone has completely like eaten all the hummus.
And I realize it's hummus.
Yeah.
It once contained hummus.
And then he's done it again.
He's wiped it.
He's done it again.
It's just an excellent meal and it is a complete meal.
What is your main course?
My main course, nachos.
We've already had a shout out for tortilla chips.
Do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently,
there are going to be some people,
I'm not one of them, getting very frustrated with this menu.
Why?
They're going to think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu.
She's a comedian, she's just trying to be funny.
We know you're not.
We know you.
I don't think that's funny.
We know you.
I could come up with something way funnier if I was actually.
Also, we haven't heard about the natchos yet.
We haven't heard any details about the nachos.
Some people listen to this.
So we're going to be no way this is a dream meal.
Two bread courses and then nachos.
It's flat water, flat fizzy water.
Yeah.
Two bread courses and now nachos.
They're going to be screaming at their phones.
Okay, okay.
So address, just address it.
I'm going to address it.
I understand that I'm going to address it.
So, because I find that in restaurants, nobody does it properly.
And it really gets me.
I don't think I've ever been to...
El Camion does a good job, actually.
I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant
where there's the right sauce to sort of bald
tortilla chip ratio.
You're either left with like,
or you're like given loads of little pots of stuff to put on
and it's like a thimble.
Or one of those little paper things.
Oh, horrible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or there's like, I went to one through the weekend
I had kimchi and hummus.
It was like, are you high?
I hate, like, that's not, that's not a natural.
That's just...
I bet you really enjoyed that, though, right?
No, I hate, well, I didn't want that in that moment.
Like, I wanted, you know, and I hate, like I say, I hate dry food, and nachos can be really dry.
And there's never enough cheese, and I make excellent nachos.
It's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come around for dinner.
I've only had two dinner parties, one was a takeaway, just got everyone to order takeaway, and I've paid for it.
And then the other one was nachos, and just ordered huge trays.
And it's like, you've got to get, like, it's almost like chili con carne, but.
poured over and then you do like four layers, grill it, don't microwave it.
Otherwise the cheese gets like a D-Syth, gluey, more cheese than you want,
jalapinos, sour cream guac on the side so that people can get their own ratio right.
But you're, it's like huge salad bowls of the stuff, not like this tiny.
It's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs that worked at,
except we didn't put the guack and sour cream on the side, we just don't on the top.
But everything else.
What pub did you like?
The star in Geddington.
Oh, no, I've never been there.
Natchos, that beef, chili stuff.
Layed that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it.
There's nothing better.
Grilling it, not microwaving, but then we dolep the sauce on the top, which...
That's fine.
But jalapinos.
That's fine if there's enough, right?
If there's enough, yeah, that's fine.
When you're talking about the bald tortilla chips.
The bald chos, yeah.
So how many of those should there be, if any?
Every single, I'll refer to it as a chow, should have the right ratio of your hot sauce, your sort of chili con cancani sauce.
It should have like a tiny little bit of guck,
a tiny bit of salt cream,
covered in cheese and salsa.
Every single one.
Every single one.
No bold ones.
You should be able to distribute that.
The source distribution should be even throughout.
Even if it's not, you can like mix stuff around.
Yeah.
And you're eating this with a fork.
I think you should,
I think there should be enough spatial, um,
awareness of you.
And also enough room on the chip to be able to dip.
I think you should be able to.
But you can maybe have a fork if you must revert that.
But that just means that you've eaten it wrong, I think.
Aren't they getting a bit soggy with all the chivalry-on-y?
Yeah, well, let's talk about the sog.
Because surely the bottom layer is going to be soggy as well.
Not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices,
Freight.
It shouldn't be sat in its own juices.
You should be making it to order.
What is your technique to get this right?
Because people can be listening to this going,
if I try to do this at home, it's going to sog up.
I'm not going to get it so that every chip has got enough stuff on it
and a little green.
gripping point on the chip where I can pick it up. But how are you doing this? Because
people, this could change people's lives. If you're pulling this off at home. Yeah. And I am regularly.
And you're not even using a fork. You're able to dip these after they've been in the chili
con carne. This is incredible. Yeah. It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne. You've got
reduce that. So it's like, it's not got any liquid bubbling around. It's almost dry, but it's not.
So you're basically cooking the chili con carne longer than you think. And then,
When it goes into the grill, you're talking like five minutes.
That's not enough for it to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce.
Like, it's still retaining stability.
It's still got a core.
And because you're doing layers, it's not like all of them in the middle or all.
Like, they're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce.
Like, you've got your chips and there's a lot kind of go.
And also, like, as well, you don't put on as much sauce as you think as well.
Because you've got to think, obviously don't put your guack and your sour cream before.
you put it in the grill, that's mad.
You just do the chili con can't eat, the cheese.
Sounds like you've done that before.
Yeah, oh my God, yeah, yeah.
And then you've made a stew.
You've made like a lasagna.
Yeah, and also what's nice as well is when you add the colder dips,
that cools everything down a little bit,
so you're not like, oh, yeah.
And do you want to, for the fellow vegans listening,
recommend what to use for the chili?
Yeah, so talk us through,
because obviously your dream nachos are going to be vegan nachos.
They are going to be vegan, because I've never had anywhere close to good vegan
nachos anywhere, so they have to be. Yeah. It's like, I quite like, there's a mince called
Moving Mountains, I think, which is really nice. Because it doesn't have a, corn's got a weird,
corn's got quite a flat sparkling water flavor to it. It's got a bit of like, what's going on here?
And I don't want that in my nachos. So moving mountains is really nice. Also, you want like just
a simple cheese, like, Violife cheddar or something, just something that's just like not got any
after-taste. Never get, never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like
Play-Doh. They've got the consistency of Play-Doh, and they taste like Play-Doh, and like a
horrible kind of like, underneath it. You know, I mean, eating it like, oh, that noise, but
taste. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That noise, but a taste. Yeah. Yeah. I think that sort of checks
out. That's fine. Guacamole, my mum makes amazing guacamole, and so the recipe is, like,
we just mash. It's not, you know, oh, God, you know, in, like, in restaurants, and, and
The guacamole is, like, chopped.
Yeah.
It's like chopped and chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever,
coriander and I'll say it.
And you like, no, so you mash it up.
You mash up the avocado with onion, a little bit of mayonnaise, more vegan mayonnaise,
lemon juice and then shitloads of garlic.
Like so much garlic.
And then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot, just the pot of salsa that you've got
hanging around.
Old El Paso is fine.
And then you mix it all up and it's just delicious.
That's a wild guacamole recipe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's wild.
During the Edinburgh Festival, everyone always talks about going to the old, is it the old who?
Nish took me there, yeah.
Yeah.
They're like this day.
Yeah, they're massive.
And there's vegan ones as well.
Oh, are there?
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, Benito lost his mind one.
I just said that.
It's so good.
That's got to be like a week four thing.
Otherwise, you can't really recover from it.
Yeah, that's just excellent.
That's actually, yeah, you're right.
That's the only place I've been like, that is what I expect.
Right.
I've been served what I expect.
Thank you.
So maybe those.
but in the dream restaurant.
But with so much bread,
I regret it.
The bread,
I can't tell you how much I regret the bread.
It's too late now.
Because the answer is simply I don't,
I don't want to start it,
but I wanted to,
I did it,
I had to say something.
I mean,
I would say a classic starter is nachos.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Shit.
Especially if you're with friends,
you can share them.
Yeah.
God, okay.
That says I have bread for my main course.
Christ.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's that,
thank you,
because I was wondering why I couldn't think of
starter, and it's because I only like big starters as my main.
Yeah, yeah.
Your drink side dish, Stevie.
Oh, God.
Is it our old friend bread again?
No, it's got to be.
No.
It would have to be something that complimented it, so you're looking for something fresh.
You're looking for something, but not boring.
Padron peppers.
Nice.
That's good, isn't it?
That came to you like a bolt from the blue.
It did.
Yeah. Another starter, to be fair.
Packer on pepper is usually classically a starter.
Is it?
Yeah.
I say, yeah, starter.
It's a tapas dish, isn't it?
What's a side dish?
You have patch and peppers as a side dish.
Of course I can, but say I would just throw this to you.
What would you have as a side dish for nachos?
If I was getting nachos as a main?
Yeah.
The thing is, then I'm thinking, you are thinking in the realm of Padron and Peppers
because you're thinking I've basically got a starter for a main.
So then you're like, I'm doing bits.
Yeah, I'm going to get some chicken strips.
Halipania poppers.
That's good.
Okay, I want to change my answer.
Yeah, yeah, because a bit of like breaded sort of, you know, deep fried.
Yeah, that's great.
You've got jalapinos and cheese on the nachos.
Again, I've been foiled by it.
And it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle.
I don't know how you feel about that.
Sometimes it can be okay.
The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay.
I mean, is it just the texture is the same, it's quite cold.
tasting so yeah i thought podron peppers was a was a good shout no it was more just like i don't
actually think when push comes to shove i know what side dish is broccoli yeah but you could
have uh that is actually yeah thank you i mean any any type of veg yeah loads of vegetables
all right i do quite like that tender stem broccoli i thought you're gonna say chips because you're
saying how much you love them at the start i know but i thought but there's not real that does
sound like i'm just nachos and chips is insane yeah after two loads of bread yeah which actually
To be honest, now I'm thinking about it is quite on brand
because I do, I will, I do get excited about the bread
and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad.
Like a salad or something?
Kidney beans and mayonnaise.
Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.
How about that on the side?
There's probably kidney beans in the nachos as well.
I have been known to put some grated cheese in that.
Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce.
That's okay, there isn't it?
Just rice and soy sauce is okay.
It's a snack.
That's not gross.
You ate that sometimes.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't want that as your side dish.
It's not gross, it's odd.
That's your, that's a snack you have.
Is it odd?
Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward.
They go together.
Yeah, go together.
Yeah, it's just like, I can't be bothered to make, you know, a stir fry.
So I'll just get the components, write some toys up.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
All the components of a stirre fry.
Very carbly, isn't it?
Okay, no, I will stick with, I'll go padron pepper poppers.
Oh, nice.
There you go.
Don't think it's ever been done before.
Surely not.
So cream cheese in the patch on peppers and breadcrummed, all the round.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Padron pepper poppers.
Okay.
So you never had that before, obviously.
No, I don't.
You've just invented it.
No, I don't think it's the thing.
Someone must have made that.
People have made weirder things.
You think people have stuffed a patron pepper before?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Peter Piper.
Peter Piper did it?
That's very good.
Thank you.
That's what the restaurant's called.
Invite him to your meal?
Do you think he'd get on?
Do you think Peter Piper would get on with your guest list?
He's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he?
He'd be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me
peppers.
Everywhere I fucking go.
These better not be pickled.
Oh.
Pickled Padron.
Shakespeare, just like steadily pushing the plate to one side.
Yeah.
Into the bin.
What's the medieval version of nachos?
Mutton.
What's the medieval version of nachos?
I don't know.
Potatoes and mutton.
Yeah, potatoes and mutton, I think.
Yeah.
your dream drink stevie martin okay um i've recently found what my drink is um of like what i could order in a bar
and be like yeah that is that is what i want to drink i really like vodka martinis that are extra dry
so very like very little vermuth so little that you can't really dirty with loads of olive brine in it
and that won't go with nachos but i've got the sparkling water to
to, I suppose.
So, yeah, I think that's my favorite.
I can't have the lemon martini.
And also, lots of people are really rude to you when you order that.
Really?
And so I went to a meeting in Soho House.
And I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini specifically.
And she went, you can't have it extra dry and extra dirty.
And I was like, but I can.
And she went, that's not how you have them.
And I was like, okay.
And then I was like, well, I think you can because I've had them other places.
And then they came back and she'd done it so full of the mood.
It was like a little glass of famuth.
I was like, okay.
I fucking hate those places.
Yeah.
It was like 25 pounds.
Yeah.
So like, come on, man.
Why would you do that?
Every member's club and fucking fuck himself.
I absolutely hate it.
Thank you.
Telling you how you have your martini.
It's not how it's done and passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for.
Yeah.
Even though it's like more expensive than anywhere else and you probably had to,
someone had to pay a membership to get there.
They would at least sign you in.
But maybe you're a member of there.
I'm not.
What I should do is I should go to.
To say her house and order a pint of wine with some coke syrup in it.
Yeah, do that.
And then just stare at her unblinkingly.
Calamacho, please.
Calamacho, please, yeah.
You had those martinis at your wedding party?
The Stevie Martini.
The Stevie Martini.
Of course.
Come on.
I made little posters.
Yeah, I had loads of them.
Telling people.
The problem is with martinis, because I take big sips.
Oh, they are off.
Everyone was very drunk.
So I was like, and then I was queuing for the bar.
I got my Stevie martini.
And by the time I'd walked away from a bar,
drunk it.
Yeah.
So then I had to go again and to get two at the time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they also didn't really know what to do to make,
I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives.
And then they had to go to Tescas halfway through to get more.
That's good.
That's a good part.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I might have that or a calomacho just to balance it out because I've obviously
really, you know, kind of hard on that.
We've let people have multiple drinks on this.
So if you want a calomacho at some point.
Yeah, I think I'll start with a calomacho and then.
and then go into the vodka martini later.
Do you genuinely like cali machos?
Is there something you do?
I do.
Not syrup, but like Diet Coke and red wine.
I've had it in a long time.
But I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh my God.
And then I ordered the bar and they were like, we don't do wine anymore.
And I was like, oh, this is a disaster.
That I actually did.
I went to all bar one and had some there.
And yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it when you order it.
They don't like it.
Well, it's just not a thing here, I don't think, really is it?
It's not a thing.
It's very Spanish.
I'm a very Spanish woman
You're too Spanish
I've often said this about you Stevie
But there's a restaurant around the corner from where I now live
That actually has Calamato on the menu
And it says literally
It is a thing underneath
It's just nice
And it's nice
But yeah
It's like it's a bit like Dr Pepper
I think
I had it in the Basque Country for Travel Man
So the first time I ever had a calomacho
It was on camera
A lot of pressure
And I came back and told my nephews about
it. They got very excited and wanted
to make it at a barbecue and they asked me
can you film us for Joe Lyset please
so he can see us. So they did
it and they were very, you know
like primary school kids but very
professional all of a sudden in front of the camera.
They did the whole making it thing and then
I remember when they made it
they went and now to taste
before they had it.
Like bartender's day. Yeah, yeah.
It was good. I had it when I did a Spanish
exchange trip when I was 15 or 16.
Yeah. Yeah. My Spanish exchange
Jesus showed me how to make it.
Oh, wow.
Did you get on?
You and Jesus?
Yeah, we got on big time.
That's good.
Yeah, he's a metal head.
When he came to stay in England,
he walked up, we went to pick him up from the school,
and he walked up to my mum and said,
Hello, I am Jesus.
And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus.
That's excellent.
I like him.
Calamacho, of course.
That's quite young to start on my calamachos.
Yeah.
A gateway to why, I suppose.
Yeah, that's how I really got into.
wine is like a calamitra.
Yeah.
Is this, are you noticing
there's some like,
are you getting some like fruity
other tastes?
This one is very coke.
Calameli.
Very cokinoles.
I think that's great.
That's my favourite part of your menu so far.
Yes, because the other one was just bread.
Everything else has been.
I like bread.
I'm into it.
I'm not too bonkers.
But like, this is a, I still eat it all.
Your whole menu, I'd eat it.
Okay, sure.
But, uh, this is,
I want that now, that drink.
Great.
Well, you can at any point.
Benito won't let us.
Your dream dessert, Stevie.
Right.
When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing,
I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that.
But I'm actually not going to go for that.
Because I think, so recently I had like a really good,
we were on like one then package.
We were on a package holiday type thing
and we were in the canteeny bit
where you're just getting used up
and they had vegan apple pie
or like vegan friendly apple pie
with custard that you could have.
It was also weirdly on the same night
that we were convinced
that Neil Morrissey was there as well.
What a night!
And then we had to look up where he was
and he was like doing a West End show
and we were like,
oh but he's got me!
And then we sort of next thing
we're like, it couldn't look less like Neil Morrissey.
It's just a weird thing
to just see Neil Morrissey, very specific.
So I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie
while I'm like looking at Neil.
It wasn't Neil.
It wasn't Neil.
It wasn't for me to say.
Yeah, really like old style, like deep dish, chunky apple, sweet but not.
You've got a bit of the sour notes coming through.
And take the time to buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice.
And no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert.
They're like, that's surely enough.
You're like, oh, did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady?
Yeah, it's what I say?
It's for the lady.
And it's quite like, it's often sorbet that doesn't go.
We've only got sorbet.
Like, I'm putting fucking mango sorbet on an apple pie.
Like, that's fucking awful.
No, yeah.
So, I mean, that sounds very nice.
Thank you.
Piping hot.
Um, lukewarm, I think.
I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately.
And you're like, bleh.
And the custard?
Cold?
Is that fine?
Yeah.
Yeah, cold's fine.
That's what I'd do.
Cold custard with hot apple pie.
Yeah, the best combo.
Of course.
Then you don't have hot and hot.
No, some people do.
Some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on hot apple pie.
That's just so much heat.
Yeah.
For your dessert as well.
That's not good.
They're wrong.
They're wrong.
They're not very broad-minded people.
Yeah, I understand.
That's fine.
And then some bread on it or something.
And then a napkin.
How do you feel about the,
overall beigeness of your
menus. Yeah, I'm quite
horrified by it because I think what this is doing
is it's, and quite right
understandably, presenting me as
this person who like just
has like the palate of a child.
But it's really not true. It's just that
it was either that or like a roast dinner
and I just thought like
but I can make a, like I've had
so many nice vegan roast dinners
out. You can get rid of. I just have never had
the nachos. It's very unhealthy
but also. You could have had the nachos as your
starter and then done the roast dinner.
That wouldn't have gone with, imagine it ordering
nachos as a starter and then having a roast it.
I just don't think that compliments it.
I think that's nice.
Right. God, it really opened my mind.
I'm not sorry, I've never been to a restaurant before.
I think that would be nice.
That would be nice.
You have been to a restaurant El Camion.
Yeah.
Repeatedly.
Every week.
Because I think that actually I have had starters and they've been like brusquette
but that is just breads as well with tomato.
That's actually Italian nachos.
You've got your base, and you've got your tomato.
Yeah.
But at least if you said Bichetta, then we wouldn't eat like you've got bread again.
That would be bread again.
Is it like bread with a skirt or not?
I can't say a hat, but I understand.
How do you put it underneath?
You put the tomorrow underneath your bread.
Yeah, yeah, put it around it.
The, yeah, it's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is.
It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know, though.
I don't have that sort of diet.
Okay.
But you wish you did.
Maybe it's when I go out
and I'm like, well, in my worst, you know,
in my, my worst restaurants are always like,
I basically don't have any choice.
So I end up having a sort of like
a stuffed pepper that's got cuscus in it
with some vegetables.
And it's like, and that's fine.
I matter where I am, it's like, that's fine.
Or there's like a fucking burger.
It's always a, like everyone has a burger and chips.
And actually, really nice,
but I'm quite fed up of just having that.
And also I'm quite, the sadness
in other people's eyes when they see
there's not enough vegan options. It's like I've, like, affect the vibe of the hang. And so I
suppose this is sort of like, well, hang on, I can actually just eat like a pig, like a little
piggy when I'm out and just have like, you know, all the bread, all the hearty, ridiculous stuff
that I don't ever get to have. So really go for it. But I will be knocked out. Like,
you're not going out after this or having after drinks. Like, I'm asleep.
That's what, the booth will come in really handy. This is true. I can just slide down.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table, but that's not booth specific.
That's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy.
No, you could do that off the chair.
Yeah, you do that off any table, but do it now.
The floor will be handy.
So you've got your mate, you've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there.
You don't want to be like under the table.
I think he'd be okay with it.
He's quite a chill guy.
We went to have my first ever pie and mash the other day.
Oh, yeah.
At a pie and mash place then with, because Kyle had never had pie mash before.
and we went to a place and so that everyone got very angry
because apparently wasn't a specific pie and mash place.
But it was really nice.
That would have been another one, actually, gravy, pie and mash
because that doesn't feel very vegan.
Things that don't feel vegan I'm very interested in.
Like an apple pie you don't think I was vegan.
Bread, you do.
Basically, I just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot.
Because, you know, I'm a varied woman, but it hasn't come through.
Well, let's see.
I'll read your menu back to you in now.
You can see how you feel.
about it. I don't like it. Flat sparkling water.
I don't want it.
Okay, as we go through, as we go through.
I'm trying to be truthful. I'm specifically like, I'm not going to go for the joke.
And then halfway through you, you're like, you sound like you're making me talk.
Okay, go on.
But each one, I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it, okay?
Thank you. Yeah.
You want a French baguette with salted vegan butter and a gingham serviette.
That's absolutely fine. I back that.
Start a bread platter with olive oil.
and balsamic and dips.
No, I think I'd swap that for like a cheese board, a vegan cheese board.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
So they're for a vegan cheese board.
Yeah, with like crackers, so it's less bread.
Okay.
Main course nachos?
I want to change it to a roast dinner.
Okay.
You would, the nachos was the centerpiece of this whole episode.
I know, I know.
Okay, I'll stick with them nachos, okay.
And then for starter, tiny roast dinner.
Okay, so changing the starter again now.
So I changed on a tiny roast dinner.
Completely, yeah.
Very, very short amount of time.
Side dish, Padron Pepper Poppers.
That does sound delicious when you said it back to me.
I was like, yes, please, I'd like for some of them.
Drink a Stevie Martini.
Great.
That's the only thing.
And the colour macho earlier in the meal.
Yes, at some point.
Does a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard?
Yes, yes, like that.
Yeah, big time.
So we're basically, yeah, the starter is the main thing that you kind of.
Was obsessed about.
But now you're having a tiny roast dinner.
Now I'm having a tiny roast dinner, yes.
So, like, you know, like one, like a little, like a doll's house.
All in the Yorkshire pudding?
The Yorkshire pudding full of...
You can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans.
Oh, okay.
Because they've got, like, milk in them.
And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat, like a, like a drinks coaster.
They look like that.
That's awful.
So I wouldn't even be bothering with that.
It would be all about the...
It would be the gravy that's the things.
As long as it's not a juu.
I hate it when they're like, when it's...
Oh, here's your roasting.
It's a butternut squash.
wash with a jewell on it.
I can't do that.
It has to be a meat substitute.
Yeah.
Bisto gravy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Roast.
How tiny are we talking?
Because your issue with starters initially was it's something you like, but it's too small,
so it's gone.
Yeah.
And you could have just said to us, I want a full roast dinner for my start on, because
it's your dream menu.
We'd let you know.
Yeah.
It doesn't have to be tiny.
It's scuppered by the rules.
All right.
That I've invented.
That I've invented that no one said anything about.
The restrictions that you've before.
Full roast dinner.
then, yeah, thank you.
Full size.
Full size,
resin it.
And then, oh my God,
that's amazing.
Thank you.
And then I've got the nachos
to look forward to.
Yeah.
And then I'm not stopping
there because I was in
topping it off at the pie.
Oh my God.
And you got the Padron.
The Pisto grade.
It's got quite a range.
Arbisto before we wrap it up.
Ah, Bisto.
If Bisto are listening,
Stevie does voice over work.
There you go.
Yeah.
Not for Bisto though.
Thank you very much
for coming to the dream restaurant, Stevie.
I think I messed that up so badly.
But thank you for having me.
Well, there we are, James, the wonderful Stevie Martin.
She fell apart.
She fell apart, as I predicted in the intro, I think.
Yeah.
She fell apart, probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second.
Yeah, really, a lot of self-doubt.
And I imagine all the way home, that's going around in their head.
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
And that's what we like to get into our guest's heads and maybe ruin their week.
Well, if there's any consolation to say,
Stevie. You didn't choose stevia. You didn't choose the secret ingredient. So it went better
than you think it did maybe. Yeah. But you're on worse. From self-doubt to clout. Stevie is on
tour now with her show Clout. So go and investigate the dates for that. Yes. It's going to be
fantastic. You should absolutely hurry along. Hurry along. And we will hurry along and go and make a new
episode for you next week. Yeah. Joe, what? You got yourself a deal. See you next week. See you
next week.
Bye. Bye.
My name is Ryan. This is my best friend, Tony, and we host the Tony and Ryan podcast.
And despite being from Australia, people right across Canada listen every single day.
Jared's in Alberta. How did you discover the podcast?
Someone was just like, oh my God, you need to check out.
These two from Australia.
and I was hooked right away.
I was like, oh, my God, I was pissing myself laughing in my truck
and, like, it just got worse from there.
Oh, well, but it's good.
In a good way.
It gets worse with how good it is,
and that's just the beauty of friendship.
Tony and Ryan, every day.