Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - The Christmas Dinner Party (Live at Southbank Centre’s Royal Festival Hall)

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

A present from Ed, James and The Great Benito.Off Menu: The Christmas Dinner Party, recorded live at Southbank Centre’s Royal Festival Hall on 20 December 2022.Featuring special guests:Nish KumarRosie JonesBob MortimerMunya ChawawaSindhu VeeTim KeyPlus contributions from Claudia Winkleman and Dan Aykroyd. Bob Mortimer's new novel The Satsuma Complex is out now. Buy it here. Tim Key's Festivical Playing Cards. Buy them here. Recorded by Southbank Centre. Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Happy Christmas, everybody. It's the Off Menu podcast. It's Christmas Day. It's Christmas Day when we're releasing this, but you're very welcome to listen to it whenever you like. But you may be listening to this on Christmas Day 2022. We hope you're having a day. Yes. It doesn't matter what the day is, but now the day just got better because we're here. We're here. This is just a quick intro because we are today presenting The Great Benito Presents. The Great Benito Presents. The Off Menu Christmas Dinner Party. Recorded

live at the South Bank Centre, not five days ago. Very excited to share this with you. It was an amazing evening. And also, we were very excited that night because the audience did not know who was going to come on stage, what was going to happen as far as that. They were concerned. I think a lot of them thought it was going to be a traditional episode. Yes. But we have one guest on and asked them their favorite ever. Start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. But instead, it was a dinner party format where for each course, we bring out a different guest from the past and we talk to them about Christmas. No, it wasn't for each course, James. Well, that's the way I saw it in my head.

Okay. Well, look, it's a fun old thing. We hope you enjoy it. It was absolute chaos. I don't know how The Great Benito has edited it. So, please enjoy The Off Menu Christmas Dinner Party live at the Southbank Centre. Ho, ho, ho. Hello, people of the Southbank Centre. It is Claudia here. You know, the old orange one who doesn't really like water. This is The Off Menu Christmas Spectacular Live. Please welcome your hosts, Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome to The Off Menu Christmas Dinner Party. Thank you very much. James didn't tell me we were dressing up. And I said, why have you done that? And he just went, ah, I'm the weird one. So, bang in character already.

Thank you, Ed. Hello, everybody. Ed, why don't you tell them what the podcast is? Oh, no, that's your job. I need to do an intro that I genuinely only thought of when I walked onto the stage. So, welcome to The Off Menu podcast, taking the mincemeat of conversation, putting it into the pie crust of the internet and spooning over the brandy butter of friendship. Perfect. That's one of his best. That is a good one. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. We own a dream restaurant and every week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite dessert Oh, shit. What the fuck? Start the main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. Not definitely not in that order. I know you like desserts, but Jesus Christ, man. Are you put off

that there were people still coming in? Yes. Yes. It's very rude to be late to a dinner party. That's what this is, by the way. This is a dinner party. Usually, we'd have one guest on, and we ask them their dream menu. And that, hey, that's fun and we like it. But during the lockdowns, we did some streaming gigs where we'd do a dinner party and get a bunch of old guests back to discuss their old choices, catch up with them, see how they're doing. And that's what we thought we'd do tonight. A bunch of surprise guests, fan favourites, if you will. Are you excited about that? I cannot wait for you to see who we've got. It's genuinely exciting. You're going to lose your fucking minds. We haven't got Claudia. No. That did sound like Claudia was backstage,

and I only realised that when the announcement was playing out. She's not there. We wanted to cram as many friendly faces from the past in as we could, so we got Claudia to do that. And then, yeah, didn't think that we were maybe teasing you a little bit. Plus, James is a traitor, so she won't come on. I'm not 100%. That is not true. I'm 100%. Come on, you faithful. Christmas. You're a traitor. You're a traitor. You're a traitor. You can't look me in the eyes. You don't want to look you in the fucking eyes. You've got weird glasses on. Do you know what? I'll get the sense that person could be a traitor because then they'd then have lied about being a magician. Well, if you haven't seen The Traders,

this has been a complete waste of time, I'll be honest. I'm obsessed. I now just think who's a traitor. That's my whole life now. It's figuring out who The Traders are. We've sort of penciled in this bit of the show for James to write his new stand-up show on stage. 100%. Oh, it says, man. 100%. Oh, let's think about The Traders. 100%. Why am I faithful? Because I know I'm faithful. My favourite. That is my favourite defence. They do it all the time. I don't know. Judging by the reaction, I'd say 75% of the people don't know what the fuck you're on about at the moment. Ed, welcome to my tour shows. Because I know I'm faithful. That's why. Should we bring on our first guest, James?

Yeah. Yeah, please. Listen, we're excited about everyone tonight, but we apologise for this first one. Genuinely. Condoms. Rubber up. Rubber up for this first guy. This guy is teeming with disease. You've got to rubber up. Those are sweets. I threw sweets into the audience. I'd forgotten that I asked Benito to give me those months ago. I said, Christmas gig, I wanted to throw sweets into the crowd. And just before I came on, he went, your sweets are on stage. I was like, what? What are you on about? You're as high as a kite, Benito. And we'd forgotten that we asked to book this first guest. Shall we welcome him to the stage?

Yes. Please welcome him. Please welcome him. He's actually the only person who's ever only done fair enough. What? Was that meant to say it with you? No, no, no. Don't worry, man. You just talk about the traitors for another 10 minutes. Well, I love it. What's more, I love about it is that they always go, I'd be fine if anyone accused me. I don't know why everyone's been so emotional. And someone goes, I'll be against you. And they go, no, no, no. Better get a wriggle on because the traitor starts in one hour, 20 minutes. Please welcome to the off-menu Christmas dinner party, Ms. Kuba. Yes. Here he is. Uh-oh. What's this? Ba-bam. Off-menu merch.

You guys lost it for Nish. Imagine what you're going to do when the good guests come on. Oh, you know what? You honkeys can shove it. All right. Oh, here we go. How long did that take for us to get called honkeys? Just to let you know, Nish, at the sound check when you weren't here, we were like, oh, Nish is coming on stage. Then we mined the first bit of the conversation with you. And I went, Nish, we are not racist. And you've done it quicker than I did in the joke. I've got a brand. I've got my off-menu t-shirt on. And I've got my off-menu underpants on. One of you on each ball, Bonito on the D. Fair enough. That's what I'd put in. I can't believe you two have a menswear collab. Yeah. It's... We've had some models. I don't think

this is hyperbolic evidence of the decline of the West. Hey, come on. We had the maid in the East. That is... That's good gear. You can't have a go at us for that. Come on. Can't believe you've caused honkiesmen. Nish's show... I don't know if anyone's got to hear Nish's stand-up show. I've been brought here. I wondered why they'd booked me. And now I find out it's to air some grievances. So go on. Let's have it colonize us. Welcome to the off... You drew your first blood, man. Welcome to the off-menu bone-picking dinner party. In Nish's show, his stand-up show, he stags off our podcast and he says it's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers. It's a good bit. I said it was...

Welcome to the Christmas show. It's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers and Crackers. Oh, great. Man, I've got to get off the bench. This guy is on fire. I said it was... I said it was irrefutable proof of white male privilege. Yes. It's after a long section. It's very difficult to contextualize. It's after a very long section where I talk about me receiving death threats. Nish, I'll sum it up for you. I've got a therapist. Hold on. It's... That's my show. Your show is... I've got a therapist because Bean stole my message.

A good show. That's a good show. It is a good show. More people can relate to that. That's a relatable show, man. It's one of the least... I like it a lot, but it's one of the least relatable shows in human history. Some of us are up here doing God's work and burying their mental health problems. Thank you very much. All I say is there's a very long section that culminated me. It's imagining Ed in a documentary about my assassination crying. And then I say something about poppadobs or bread. And then when the audience, as they always did, cheered, I took them to task, said that the podcast was evidence of white male privilege. And then I said that you two were so white that it looks like a

Disney prince before the corporation remembered about racism. And James is so white, it looks like someone threw a corduroy vest over a ghost. And let me tell you, when I saw that show, I thought, fuck, I escaped that very well. Yeah, you... My girlfriend actually said, oh, Ed comes out of that very nicely. Oh, you've said he's handsome like a cartoon prince. James. When I saw it, he did an extra five minutes on me. Said, I was so white, people could see me from space. And you did that because you wanted to deflect from the fact you just ripped your trousers on stage. Yes, I did just rip my trousers off. Okay, I went into a controlled lunge. That was the name of the show, wasn't it? The gusset of my trousers was compromised.

And then James, what did you think when that happened? Well, here's what happened. Nish is on stage and he does a bit where he goes down and then he stops here and he goes, ah, now something has happened. And I thought, well, he's finally shat himself on stage. So if you know, Nish, that you would think that one day happened and that is what I assumed had happened. You are rolling the dice every time you walk on stage. I'm not rolling the dice, okay? Am I frequent in my movements? Yes. Do you never know when those movements are going to come? No. Is it because I have upwards of 15 coffees a day? Probably. Now, Nish, you are the only ever off menu guest who's only done a Christmas menu. Are you aware

of this? History maker. You've never, you've never actually given your, your dream menu, not that we're going to ask you. And I never will. Well, it's lucky we're not going to ask you today. But you were very Christmassy. You had to do the full Christmas menu. I did the full Christmas menu. Now the Christmas guests do their normal menu and we have a separate section for the, for the Christmas bit. But you did your full Christmas menu. I did like the third or fourth episode of this shit, right? I mean, yes. Sorry. I suppose so technically, Nish. I did the third or fourth episode of this estimable, estimable broadcast. And so I guess you were still finding the format. Yeah, we're still finding the format. Is there a midpoint you could have struck between

this shit and estimable broadcast? Podcast. That's about what a podcast. Yeah. Do you like the set, by the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for Hey Duggy Live. It really is. We came in for the tech rehearsal. That screen is covering a big thing that says Hey Duggy. Hey Duggy. Luckily, it does look like the inside of James A. Caster's brain. Yeah, really landed on our feet with this one. Nish, do you remember when you came on the podcast originally, what you chose for your dessert? Does anyone else remember what Nish Kumar chose for his dessert? Yes, I remember this because it still gets... People are still discovering the show, which is no offense, unfathomable to me. We're like the Sopranos, man. Still holds up. You go back to episode one,

still holds up, man. It was a peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye. Yeah, so let's do a quick catch-up on what's happened then, Nish. So there was a bit of a campaign we were getting going, wasn't there? Bring back Kumar's cobbler. Yeah, when Nish came on the podcast originally, Jackson and Rye stopped doing the peach cobbler. He was very sad about it, wanted it brought back, launched the campaign, hashtag bring back Kumar's cobbler so he could get his peach cobbler back, and then, as a result of that, what happened, Nish? Jackson and Rye closed. Whole business destroyed. Because they didn't bring back the cobbler! They didn't bring back the cobbler. They ended up getting shut down.

And you, you get to show any more. I'm sorry, okay, if I give a business a hint and it doesn't take the hint, that's on me now? What other businesses have you given hints? Run us through the business hint list. I said that Microsoft should bring back the paper clip. They still haven't. Sayonara Gates, I imagine it'll be in a couple of days. I told Elon Musk to buy Twitter. I didn't shut down Jackson and Rye. It shut down. As an immediate result of what you said. Coincidentally. The cobbler was good. It was good cobbler. Have you found anywhere else that does as good a peach cobbler, or do you have a new favorite pie? I have a new favorite pie. And I don't know why we're all going through this

rigmarole that you don't know what it is. Because our only friends are each other. Is this what you're hoping for from the show? The question, do you have a new favorite pie? Well, if you listen to the podcast, I imagine yet. Yeah. Welcome to the show. If anyone did like the question, do you have a new favorite pie, why are you here? This is going to be a lot easier to do. Exactly what we're all here for. In fact, when I said do you have a new favorite pie, I heard many of you, an audible intake of breath. You couldn't wait. Someone shout that again. What was it? Willys Pies. I'm a huge fan of Willys Pies. But I don't think, are you from Willys Pies?

You like Willys Pies? Well, not what I asked. That's good that you like. And what are Willys Pies? I don't know what Willys Pies is. Yeah, I don't know. What? Yeah, you have, James. You've had Willys Pies this. They sent you two pies for free, mate. Quite the pies, I guess. This guy absolutely wonders through life with headphones on, is how I describe you, James. Just opening your mouth every so often when someone taps you on the shoulder and throws a fucking free pie into it. Do you not want to check who's pie? What is a Willys Pie? It's a company called Willys Pies. They make really good pies. Are they sweet or savory? You have two pies. You have two savory pies.

Pretend to remember it now, am I? I can't remember if it was the free savory pie I got or the free sweet one. The free sweet one was from Chin Chin, which was a cherry pie, and that was also very nice. Oh, that was great. That free cherry pie was delicious. Has this plug gone the way you were anticipating? Did you send me a Willys Pie? Are you the eponymous William? You're Willy. Is it a perfect chocolate Christmas? Thanks for coming, Willy. Thanks for coming, Willy. Sorry about James. Listen, I don't remember having any of these pies, so I think Willy is a traitor. Because I know I'm 100% mad, so you've got to be a traitor.

Because I know I'm faithful. If I had a pie, I'd remember it. Get him out of here. I still haven't seen this program, so I'm as in the dark as the visible 50% of you. What's your new favorite pie, Mitch? It's the Banana Cream Pie from Idle Hands in Manchester. It's a superb pie. Oh, my God. You've had it. I've had it. Talk us through what you like about it so much. People like this stuff. People like to hear a very detailed description of the Banana Cream Pie and why you love it. The crust is thin but sturdy. Were you whooping for thin or sturdy? Thin and sturdy is a pretty good description of you, actually. It's an acaster base.

Thin and sturdy. It's an absolute acaster base. Let me tell you, if it's put under any pressure, it collapses. Crumbles immediately. And it's best when covered in Banana Cream. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I like it when you go blue. Thank you. I wasn't being blue, but fair enough. I just genuinely love Banana Cream. Wasn't that becoming it? I wasn't a sex thing. Yeah, but there's so many people here that for someone that is their fetish. Yes, yes. I probably said that and there's at least one weirdo. Willie popped a boner. He went, shall we? Willie, put your boner away. Put it back in the pie, wherever it belongs.

Willie sat there. He came here tonight and he was like, I'll do some guerrilla marketing. I'll just shout out Willie's pies as soon as possible and there'll be a chat about it that we can definitely clip out and use as part of our next promotional push. Nope. Nope. I didn't remember eating the pie and now I think you're a sex pervert. I guess that's your life now. Order our pies now, as recommended by James Acaster. Put your boner back in the pie where it belongs. People would not buy it. I think people would buy that if that was the slug. Five other people in here who were no longer planning to shout out the name of their food business. Honestly though, Willie, if I had to fuck a pie, it would be one of yours.

Interesting question. Okay. Give him my answer. That's a tough one. I'd go nuts deep in the banana cream from Idol Hands. Of course you would. Of course I would. I'd want to fuck the same pie that Jason Biggs fucked in American Pie. I'll go in for a second. It's a mess after he's done that. It's a fucked pie. Yeah. You've seen the pie. It's just an absolute mess of crust and jizz. But that's the most famous pie anyone's ever fucked. It would be an honor and a privilege. Also, he fucked that pie about 25 years ago.

Yeah, that's a good point. Would you come in? Is it like a deleted scene in American Pie? Do you sneak into the kitchen after Eugene Leaves just caught him and then you start fucking the pie? Or is it the pie now? Yeah. At the time, and in the scene, if you remember, he turns to face Eugene Levy and you see his butt, and that ain't going to be Jason Biggs's, but he probably had a butt double. So someone probably did fuck that pie alongside him. Alongside? Yeah, like Biggs was doing it from the front, and then he slid it off, and then the butt double puts it on. Hold on a second, but you only see him from behind, so there's no need for him to have had the pie on his dick. So is the butt double Daniel Day Lewis?

Yeah, he wants to go in method. He was like, I can't just pretend. My butt won't be clenching in the right way if I don't have the pie on my erect penis. Listen, man, I'm no Hollywood superstar director. Excuse me, mouse. Excuse me, John Mulaney the mouse. I think quite a few of us have seen Cinderella, the mute, not the not the famous, the other one. The other one, it was a charming cast. Do you remember it? Yes, I remember the full cast. All my friends were on a WhatsApp group. Are all the mice on a WhatsApp group? Yes, but we can't message on the WhatsApp group after midnight. Romesh the mouse, James Corden the mouse, and James A. Caster as John Mulaney the mouse. Is it common knowledge that you replace Mulaney? I think it's getting to be common knowledge now.

It's spreading around a little bit. We've spoken about it on this podcast numerous times, I think. Yeah, yeah. And I've met some of John Mulaney's friends. I never met John Mulaney, but I've met some of his friends and they're like, oh, you played John the mouse. So it's getting around. No way is it any of John Mulaney's friends come up to you and go, you played John the mouse. Seth Meyers said it to me. Seth Meyers said you were John the mouse. Someone on the front row actually went, ooh. Nish. Yes, I would fuck the pie from Idol Hands. You've already said that. We know you would do it. Yes. But would you like to, you know, this has been recorded and we're going to release it as an episode. Is there anything you'd like to say to Idol Hands if

they're listening? Oh, they know I love their work. They know how big a fans I am. I met the people that run it. They actually offered to make me a full banana cream pie to take back on the train. And I refused because I said, I don't trust myself. Just you on the train fucking a pie. Is that Jason Manzukas? But is there anything else you'd like to say to them? Maybe an apology? Why would I apologize to Idol Hands? I'm one of their biggest fans. It's a great coffee shop. It's in Manchester. The coffee is amazing. The cakes are incredible. You don't want to apologize for the last time you were in there. I don't want to. Yes, I want to apologize for you and Daniel

Kittson whinging. About what? A fart. A fart. Just a fart was in there when you arrived, was it? Yes. It was hanging around like one of the ghosts from Ghostbusters. It was the worst one ever. You say that about all my farts. Only Nish would say that at sentence as if I'm the bad one. You say this about all my farts. I farted at Idol Hands. A Castor and Kittson made a big song and dance about it. End of story. Fair enough. So do you think it's them complaining and always saying your farts are the worst fart ever? Or are you upping yourself every single time? I don't know, man. You smell quite a lot of my farts in your time. Absolutely awful. As I say, I drink upwards of 15 coffees a day. I eat quite a lot of spicy food. Quid pro quo.

Is there anything you'd like to say to the staff of the Coaching Horses? What is this? This is your fart? What the hell is going on here? I wasn't there for that one. That was the other night, but I got four separate texts from different people about that fart. Let me guess. The coach and the horses. The horses are fucking glue now, man. Also, I like seeing the coaching horses. I haven't seen them since Cinderella, man. It's great to see him again. My body doesn't process lager well anymore. I had a couple of lagers with James A. Castor, and I farted, and then he complained a lot about it. Yes, I believe that that bit of the story is reasonable. Is there anyone? Anyone here? Oh,

he's just annoyed because I didn't claim responsibility, like the IRA. No, the IRA would have phoned before they did the first. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. I came responsibility afterwards, like the cowardly IRA. Solid joke from A. Castor there. What did he say? More like the IBS. That's pretty good gear. I slid it under the radar. That's how I do my jokes on the pod. Normally, I say them into the mic. The guest doesn't hear me, and I look at Benito and he goes, that's all right. We got it. Should we give Nish his Christmas gift? We're giving everyone a Christmas gift today. Now, Nish, in your show, you talked about us getting away with it, and we're just crackers talking to crackers about other crackers.

We get a lot of white privilege, and you get death threats and get bread rolls thrown at you. So we thought you'd give you a little Christmas treat today under the cloche. You now have free reign. This Christmas, lift it up to throw some bread rolls at us. Yeah! Yeah! Right, I now regret being the one who handed it over. And one for luck. Oh, wrong way! Looks like the Disney Prince just got away with it again. See how, now Nish, see how quickly we can all turn to hatred. Yes. I'm converted. We've learned a valuable lesson here today. Number two! That's what you shout when you did the coach and horse.

James, shall we bring our next guest on? We should bring our next guest on. Nish is going to stay here. Nish is going to stay here. Right in the schnoz. Thank you very much. Yeah, we're doing it like Graham Norton, but a bit different. Yeah, a bit different in that everyone is a maniac. Fucking hell, yeah. Are you ready for your next guest? I'm not sure you are. No, probably not. They love sweets. Maybe a bit too much. Please welcome Rosie Jones! Yeah! I don't think we need a microphone.

Yeah, we knew this would happen. Sorry I'm in your way. Do enjoy this. Look who just became the pie. Oh, God. Yeah, merry fucking Christmas everyone. No, I mean, I don't think that that's unreasonable. When I walked into the dressing room, you just started pointing at your vagina. Yeah. And then you just said, look at my vagina. Which is, I'll admit, an upgrade on what you previously do, which is slowly honk your breast whilst making eye contact with me.

It's so bad. He likes it. Rosie doesn't do that to everyone, does she? To me, today you decided to sing You Raise Me Up and then you tickled me. So that's nice. That's nice. More whimsical. Although, actually, the last time I saw you Rosie, you held eye contact with me for ages and then slowly lifted it up your tongue and flashed me. For again, you liked it. So many people saw your breasts at that party. Oh, yeah, you know what? I was having a good tick day.

I love appreciation for that. You praise a fucking god, you're having a bad tick day today, Rosie. Oh, Edward, when you're on me every day, tickle, tickle, tickle. I do want to chat about good and bad tick days more, but I don't know. James has given me a look as if to say, let's get off this path of conversation. I'll happily talk about a good or a bad tick day. I just don't know what I've got to add. What delineates, what qualities delineate a good tick day? I'm like the Parkinson of this. What delineates a good tick day from a bad tick day?

To be fair, if there was a god, which should by the better, no. Merry Christmas. Come on. I'd like to imagine there was a god who was a man who was going to make a Rosie Jones. We haven't made a disabled one for ages. It could be a bad day at that office. What can we do to raise my back? I know, we'll give a great hit.

Rosie, yeah, I mean, it's difficult for me to pick out the most problematic part of that sentence. Oh, I think it was like, I think it all cancelled itself out. It was so problematic, it became fine. God made a disabled person and described it as a bad day at the office. But it had a happy ending. Yeah, it gave a great titch. So, you know, every day I wake up and I go, oh, another day having terrible poverty. And then I look down and I go, actually,

it's not that bad. Man, I wish God did that for big dicks and diabetics. Man, that would have kept you afloat in the tent. You're going to be okay, son. Are you imagining it got massive when I fell in the tent and contracted diabetes? It sort of went up like a life jacket. And then that's a fisherman shouting to you, you're going to be okay. That's a fisherman.

Yeah, yeah. Look at your dick. Look at your dick. That had to be a big pie. Big pie for that. Big pie. Big pie. Willie'll sort me out.

Yeah. Willie's left. Oh, that guy's gone home. He's crying on the train. We've heard this guy. He's holding a pie with James and Ed written on it and just crying into it. And just in the back of his mind thinking, well, at least I get to fuck this one. Now, Rosie, there was a lot of controversy about your menu.

Yeah, I'm actually quite angry. Can I say before you blah, blah, blah? By all means. So I'm arguably a very famous, successful, rich comedian. Not a huge amount of argument there, tongues. Didn't know about the rich bit. I've written three books about my own travel show that I've been on every 14 panel show that is. I'm a pretty big dick.

You forgot to mention your tits. Yeah, also great tits. Whatever I'm having about, whatever people say to me is your rough menu. I'm not fucking out. I feel the same way. Well, you're welcome, Rosie. But really it's down to you and the menu you chose because people remember it because, well, yes, Ed's probably Ed's least favorite menu ever.

Dreadful. Well, worse than Dom it. No, but we don't talk about that guy anymore. That guy's been banished to ITV. Banished? I love when people get banished. You have been banished, Joel, because you had a protein shake. You may reveal if you are a traitor or a faithful.

And then Joel goes for a trapdoor. You've got to know two reality shows to get that. Yeah, you've got to know a lot of stuff there. But Rosie, I didn't care for your menu hugely, crisps and sweets, mainly, wasn't it? Shall we read out all the crisps? Yes, people, because everyone was fucking a little bit. This is Rosie Jones' Dream Starter. It is entitled, you worded it, three hours of crisps.

Ed, if you please. I would argue that a lot of these aren't crisps either, Rosie. Well? Plus surprise snacks every 20 minutes. Wait, so your menu was just all of the food? No, that's a starter. That's a starter, Mish. That was her start.

I mean, her menu was all the food, because Main was tap-ass with a lot of stuff. Well, actually, I think you'll find the exact title was tap-ass every dish. Yeah, she wasn't talking about the food. And dessert was like three hours of sweets or something. You had maroams, jelly babies, jelly beans, donny mixed with strawberry laces, rainbow pencils, chocolate buttons, rebels, chocolate pretzels, white chocolate mice, and in brackets, childhood in a little mouse. I don't know what that means.

You know what the fuck does that mean? Childhood in a little mouse. And once again, separate bowls. Watch. Basically, what are you complaining about? At the moment, I'm just confused about childhood in a little mouse, Rosie. Some guys' careers are in a little mouse. Love your cinders.

If you say to anyone, or to you remember the little white mouse, everyone will go, uh, yeah. Yeah, I remember. My childhood in a little mouse. Some little white mice are so white you can see them from space. I used to eat those little mice before my dick went massive. Simpler time. This is going to be the shortest podcast ever.

Yeah, it was organized. She gave me a name out at the same time. Well, I'll be honest, Rosie. We're just happy he hasn't pushed you over yet. Yeah, that's bad. It's a niche because she's pushed her over quite a lot. I've never pushed her over. She pretends I've pushed her over.

And then people take photos. And then she shouts the man from the Mash report pushed a disabled girl. Which is inaccurate? I've never pushed Rosie Jones over. Yeah, and you're not on the Mash report anymore. Why, I've joined. Yes. Is this being filmed?

I mean, it can be if people want to film it. No. No, no, definitely not. That is the absolute opposite of venue policy. Talk throughout, like I was welcome, film away. Is it just audio? Just audio. Yeah, yeah, just audio.

Your good tip, David, for nothing, Rosie. I have a brilliant omnich. Mnich! Mnich! Oh, my God. You are all the names of the names. Oh, my God. Oh, she's down.

Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Boo Jones is down. Stop taking turn.

Put the camera away. Get up. Come around. Get that, Paul. Get that. Don't yell at her, Mnich. This is absolute audio dog shit. Rosie.

I can't believe you pushed a disabled girl over. Help! Help! I'm so sorry, Rosie. Oh, he's pulling bread rolls in. He's pulling bread rolls in now. Oh, no. The man who used to be

under my care, but he had to push me over. You are a piece of shit, and I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't think you're disabled. Insult? Wow. Insult to injury. Wow.

I think she's lying about being disabled. Wow. That is very damning. Disgraceful. Oh, dear. I'm not saying that I'm not disabled, but if I was pretending to be disabled, it's gone quite well. Yeah, yeah.

It's good stuff. Also, you've got to love Rosie checking that it's only an audio medium and still getting on the fucking plane. It's an audio or down on the floor. What would you have done if they'd been filming it? Caught it off and then doing that. We would have put it in in post.

It was fine. Rosie, we've got you a gift as well. James, I've got you a gift, Rosie. Of course we have. I think it's... Well, we don't need two crosses for that. I don't think I've ever heard. Oh, great.

What a classy way to refer to breasts. Couple of clashes. Lovely couple of clashes on it. Yeah, a double clash. What's under the robot tit? Robo-tit. Go for it. Oh, you're a lap.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Rosie. Ah! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! There we go. Every crisp from your order.

I am fucking happy. That went even better than we imagined. Yeah, that was brilliant. We're going to bring our next guest out now, Rosie. No. No. I think you'll be excited to see them, though. Just, I mean, it's going to be off-putting

because you're going to smash your fucking face into those in a minute, aren't you? What am I going to do about this? Do you want them bare-hand? Why was that your first thought? You could just eat those. Shall I move them to the table? Yeah.

But can we make sure that everyone knows that from me? Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to make that mistake, Rosie. This isn't a fucking shaving situation. It's probably right to headline that because, I'll be honest, it does look like one. Yeah, I can see how you would look at that, Rosie, and worry that people would try and share that.

So thank you for making that crystal clear. Honestly, they said fucking amazing. Do you want me to move the crisps? Yeah. He's just a punk like the lady in flash star. This is lovely. This is a lovely moment, Nish, and it's not... It won't go as well as a full apology for what you did earlier,

but it... Yeah. I will never apologize. Nish, stop eating the crisps. Why are we eating all of them? Nish, stop eating roasted crisps. Nish, stop it. I hate podcasts.

Just because it's Christmas, we don't need a pantomime villain, Nish. Let's get our next guest on, James. This is our final guest of the first half, and then we have an interval. Very much looking forward to welcoming this guest. Sorry, Rosie. I mean...

I mean, you've left some crisps on his seat, I'll be honest. Don't know how delighted they're going to be for him. Yeah, that is absolutely disgusting. Don't eat them off the floor! Why are you applauding? What were you applauding? Rosie, make a crisp sandwich.

Make a crisp sandwich with the bread roll. Applauding a disabled woman eating crisps off a floor. It's like a scene from a goddamn Ken Loach film. But, Nish, Nish, why is she on the floor again? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no! Boomer!

Boomer! Boomer! Oh, of course. You've fallen over the classic way everyone falls over. Nish! This is your doing, Nish. Yeah. I am absolutely thrilled I invited my mother to this show.

She can see glimpsed her real son. Right, both of you sit down. We're going to bring our final guest to the first half on. Sit down and behave yourselves. Sit down and behave yourselves, please. Tell her to behave herself. Can I have a finger? There are so many Pringles.

Full stack on that plate, Rosie, please. You can have a Pringle if you like, yes. We're about to bring a national treasure out. Put yourself down. Oh, my God. Okay, final guest of the first half. Please welcome to the stage Bob Mortimer! Oh, my God!

Pretty good. I agree. Why did you push Rosie over? Sorry, I didn't see what was going on. Well, you heard it, Bob, that's all you need to say. I would have expected this shit from Reeves! Oh, no. So, you've got a granddad at your Christmas party.

Yeah. You need one, don't you? Yeah, I've always needed a nice granddad at the Christmas party. Do you just want me to snore? You're just here to provide some sort of audio atmosphere, Bob, to be honest. Is that what your Christmas party is usually like, Bob? Yeah, just watching old men snore. Just go around the backs of houses, look through the windows,

take it off, a ginger, whatever. Yeah, those old guys can snore. I can, I could. I thought that I was going to be doing like a Christmas menu, but that's not... No, I mean, unless you want to talk about your Christmas menu. But there's so many memories from the episode that you did that people would want updates on. I would love to know how many Odian cinema hot dogs you've eaten since we last saw you.

I haven't been to Odian, but my son, Ari, found... Is there a supermarket in London called Farm Press or something? Yeah, Whole Foods, Whole Foods. Well, that's very different to Farm Press, Bob, to be honest with you. You've literally picked the two opposite ends of the spectrum, no? I'm guessing Farm Foods is... Yeah, Farm Foods are not great, I'd say. Whole Foods is the most expensive supermarket in the country.

You can't get snobby about these things. Do you spend much time in B&M? What's that? What a shot, ladies and gentlemen, no, innit? You know what, you go into B&M, B&M, B&M, James, and you discover that they do orange DMs, dimes. Oh, dimes, yeah. Dimes, I'd go with dimes.

But we had this when Bob was on the podcast. They spell the ones that you see a D-A-I-M. Do I see different ones? It's like how cats see in black and white, you know, we're all... Well, maybe they're available anyway, but I had my first Nando's tonight. Yeah, this is big news. I've just had it. I understand what the fuss is about. Was it nice?

Juicy. Juicy. Yeah, one. Yeah. Yeah, and it's quite tart, you know, spicy. Yeah. And the chips are pretty good, aren't they? Yeah, good chips.

But when I asked you what you were ordering from Nando's, what did you say, Bob? A number two. The second Nando's of the evening. But you're two late, sir. No, there's always a queue when a blue water, when I go blue water. Oh, yeah, blue water Nando. I understand, though.

Yeah. I've got a Toby Calvary gold card. Did I tell you that? No. No, you didn't. You didn't tell us that. And congratulations on being alive still. I'm not on being alive. Being still being alive.

Anyone other than Toby Calvary gold card, that's a one-way ticket to the mall. Does that mean, what does that mean? Because it's already unlimited salad. Does that mean free Toby Calvary? Free up to £100. Only... But that's a month.

Oh, okay. £100 a month. It's not quite the gold card, you know, but... So you've got a voucher, Bob. Yeah. Yeah. How much are you paying for it? I've got a hard voucher.

A small, hard voucher. So, yeah. What's your... How do you... If you're using the gold card, how do you hit up Toby Calvary? What's your route round the Toby Calvary? Well, go to the Calvary. No, sorry, I'm not being facetious.

No, no, no, no, no. What are you having? What are you picking up from the Calvary? Well, if you get two meats, you get four slices of meat. If you get three meats, you get three. So that's just a little tip if you're a Toby Calvary. So you should always go for two meats.

If there are any Toby drugs out there, and a large plate, get the Oxford in, and then onto the gravy station for shop prayer. Before dining. Don't eat your lunch. Why? Why not?

Now, back to the meat. Yes. So you're saying two meats are four. Four slices. That takes two slices. Of three. Of three. That's nine.

No, no. You've willfully misunderstood that, Rosie. Also, you've completely overestimated the Toby Calvary there. Also, clearly what was happening was you were listening, and then you started looking at the crisps, so you got distracted. Two meats is four slices in total.

Am I correct, Bob? Two slices of each meat. Not you, man. Yeah, yeah. You thought, Bob, man, that if you get two meats, you get two of each meat. If you get three meats, you get three of each meat, and you were looking at all of us like,

why do you think that's a better deal? Basically, I want nine slices. Is there a way you can get nine slices, Bob? Other nine meats. Yeah? We asked the big questions on this part. It's a huge question. Now you've misunderstood your own question.

How many meats could you name? No one said there were nine meats, saying three meats. But please, I'd love us to name nine meats. Let's see if Bob can do it. I think we're caught. Is it full of meat? Do you include the offals?

Can you slice offal? You slice liver, for sure. Wait, are we delineating this? Are we delineating it by animal, or by cut of meat? No, I have to be animal. While we're on offal, Bob, you talked about tongue quite a lot

off menu episodes. Yeah, and a butcher sent me a tongue. Right, you're lucky, lad. Off the back of that. I'm a real influencer now. I've got a massive tongue through the post. It's a very sad story, actually. My head's wide.

It's still in the freezer. Good luck to her. So, nine meats. Well, there is, isn't there? Not unless you name them. How many do you think you could name? The chicken meat. Chicken meat.

Always follow it with meat. Just in case. Your luncheon meat? Second. Second one. Luncheon meat, second. Chicken to luncheon. What animal is luncheon?

Luncheon's the pig, pig meat. So, are we going to say pork? Pork, yeah. Pork meat. Is that separate to luncheon meat? Well, if you're not giving it, I'm fine with that. It's a tin meat. Other nine tin meats.

Another thing. Sorry, I feel like... Yeah, the old pork pig. Pork pig hog. Oinker. I think that... Right into the mic. Right into the mic, is it?

Anyone else? We're having a game of pork pig hog here. If you don't mind. Chicken. You've got pork and chicken. We're going to head with this. Yes. We're playing nine meats. Chicken, cow, pig, lamb.

Lamb and sheep? Similar. Very similar. At least. The lamb is a young sheep. I don't understand the parameters of the game. But I'm going to hazard a guess. It's nine meats. They're not going to allow lamb and sheep.

Are you going to go mutton? Can you name nine animals that you can slice? One pound. That's essentially it. Would you ever go up to a horse? Perhaps not a horse. Go up to a horse. Give it a stroke and then bite a chunk of the meat of it.

Yeah. Yeah, I've done. Yeah. Let's stop talking about meat. Well, unless you want to talk about processed meats. Or pocket meats. I won processed meats Man of the Year last year.

I've got a trophy in every game. What's it made of? For advocating processed meat. I suppose because of your podcast. Right, so you won an award because of the pod. Because you advocated for processed meats. And then you won Process Meat Man of the Year. Yeah.

It's rather beautiful trophy, actually. Bob, to be fair. Take that as a huge compliment. But I think you have talked about pocket meats on various platforms. Yeah. But a pocket meat is not necessarily a processed meat. The finest pocket meat is a chicken. Or a sliced ham.

Of course. Pepper Army and the like are the easiest. Go the extra mile. Those are top pocket meats. Or the little coin pocket. Yeah. Pepper Army's nice inside pocket. Oh, that's an IPM if ever I've heard one.

The 9pm sausage. That's an IPM. Inside pocket meat. I've immediately created an acronym for my own amusement there, Bob. I thought you said 9pm meat. What? It is the perfect 9pm meat, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, it's 9pm somewhere. Have a little nibble. It could become a habit. Yeah. Watch out. Well, that's good you won that trophy. It is good though. I'm very proud of you for doing that.

Didn't this come last in that when you won it? Why would I come last? At least you're making a Taskmaster dick. Oh, sorry. Was I? Did you come last in Taskmaster? Yeah, I came last in your Taskmaster. Bob...

Oh, God. Oh, no. I didn't know you'd come last. Bob doesn't even remember that Nish was on the series. The Willys Pie of Taskmaster. Nish Kumar. Every time Nish's task came on, cut to Bob, he's eating a pepper army out of his inside pocket.

It's 9pm somewhere. I came last and that's why James is getting a dig in. I'm just asking if Nish came last in the process meat competition. Look at my body type. Do I look like I would come last in a process meat competition, James?

I'd come a creditable silver and be honoured to follow Bob Mortimer. I think obviously it was just comedians who won that award. Was there a ceremony? No, it literally just came through the post. I'll promise you, there was no...

There was no heads up. I suppose I hope you're going to photograph it, photograph it and give them publicity process meat. But it's just generic. It wouldn't have been any particular meat of process meat.

Shouldn't he process anything, should he really? I think that's... Don't talk like that. I think you should only eat process meat. Tomorrow I will knock on Bob's door. Thank you. Bob, is it good to be a live son?

Yeah. You've asked that of your oldest guest. I suppose that is appropriate. It's what you like to say to your son when you mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce. You mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce

to be alive. I'd imagine if Bob didn't remember that, that was a very harsh thing to say. Yeah, I was mortified when I saw the look in your eyes. Quite a lot of sadness there. And you made it go so quiet as well. Bob, is it good to be alive?

It was good to be alive. I felt like I was counting every day. I was saying just to finish that up, whole foods. Oh yeah, sorry. You've got a replica of hot dog sausage that is as good as

German, and it is as good as the old one I reckon. Because I haven't beaten the cinema since Off Menu. Not been, no. Is that because you discovered podcasts and don't need films anymore? I don't know why I haven't been really.

I stopped during the pandemic and my son's left home. There's no water in Tumbridge Wells at the moment. Been off for five days. What? No! No water. Five days? So yeah, when you say I'm a god to be alive,

I'm not so sure. I could go either way on that. Oh Bob, I didn't know things were that bad. So no one's letting you swell their hot dog or mustard if you've got no water in Tumbridge Wells. Got no water? I'm not using mustard instead. Is that what you mean? If you had to use a condiment

to wash it. Great question. You've got to pick one condiment to wash in, maybe for the rest of your life. Am I washing my entire body? Your entire body, your face, and everything below. My tail. And everything behind the face. And you can't avoid, you can't avoid

anything. What's behind your face, James? Your mind? Is that what you're thinking? Back of the skull. All the way down. That was the deal breaker in your mind. And before you start trying to get out of it, back of the head as well. It isn't that easy.

Is it easy for you? What condiment you're washing? Hold your answer, Rosie. Bob, which condiment would you wash your full body with and you're not allowed to avoid any bits of your body? Well, the first thing I thought of probably selected is white vinegar.

What are you going to say? Would you, Rosie? Yeah. That is so easy. I'd go for vinegar because you get a little tingles. You would, especially around the anus.

Yeah. Yeah. You'd be like, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please. Would it be you can't think of another liquid condiment, soy sauce? Capture it, mustard.

Mustard, mayonnaise. Yeah, what I tried just for their loss was happy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you want a bit of a tingle.

I'll send you to the moon. I think Dijon mustard would be quite exfoliating. Yeah, that's true. Whole grain. Yeah, the whole grain. Well done on picking that up, actually. No problem.

I do have feet with tartar sauce. Why? Why not? Apologies. I did my whole lower body in tartar sauce.

I could feel like a merman. In tartar sauce? Hang on. What? What? You think fish like being slathered in tartar sauce? What are you talking about? My bottom half covered in tartar sauce, I'd feel like a fish.

But if my top half isn't, I'd feel like a man. And so top half of a man, bottom half fish, Google it, I'm a merman. I think that's right. Google it. Google what is bottom half fish? Top half man. I'll do it in the interval.

On private browsing. Bob, do you remember when we were talking about hot dogs and chocolate bars? We talked a lot about chocolate bars when you were on as well. The Diane bar was only one of the chocolate bars mentioned. Do you remember your dream fantasy crossover

between hot dogs and chocolate? That was Mars bar and sausage in baguette. Did you know? Is this common? Do you know they cancelled the topic a couple of months ago? No. Bloody cancel culture, again. It's a great biscuit. Not made anymore.

This year. There you go. Anyway. How often were you having a topic? Not often enough. Very neglected. I think the most underrated chocolate bar is the time out. What do you reckon?

It's a decent bar. It's a decent bar. I think lion bars are pretty underrated. I think they're quite good and don't get enough double-deckers. Not a lot for the double-deckers. Sorry, I think they're the two worst.

I'm not just being... They're a virgin on the savory. They're difficult. They're in the toffee crisp area. Maybe you said toffee crisp was savory. You know the real indulgence or caramel, Cadbury's caramel. Delicious.

In it, though. Compared to a double-decker. Yeah, something to get your teeth into. Do you know who did the voice of the caramel bunny in the adverts? The sexy caramel bunny? Buck and Linton. Maybe a Margolies. Wow. I did the Churchill dog.

But you can't eat. No, you can't eat it. Oh, yes. That was a... I've never known you as a competitive man, Bob, but the speed with which you followed up, I did the Churchill dog.

Well, I did the Churchill dog! It's true. Do you remember the caramel advert where the bunny said, never let anyone fuck you up the arse? You have to have heard the Mimi and Margolies episode of the podcast to understand that. Don't worry, Bob. Mimi and Margolies came on the podcast

and her golden rules for life were... Don't let the sun go down on an argument. Don't let the sun go down on an argument and never let anyone fuck you up the bum. Do you have golden rules for life, Bob? Rules for life. Golden rules for life.

Golden rules for life. Shit. Yeah, imagine... I think that it's important when you're living with other people that you stay very quiet whilst they're asleep. Yeah. You know, people who are wandering around

and putting... If someone's still asleep, just keep quiet and I like to turn up on time and all. I like those two because the two things that you'll never get thanked for. Do you know what I mean? You're not doing it for the thank you.

When they get up, you don't say to them, I kept quiet. From inside a trunk. In the... You know, I think they're quite nice things to do. They're very nice things to do. Do you have any tips for staying quiet while other people are asleep? Do you have any techniques?

Oh, yeah. Just stare out the window. Count stuff. Count stuff. As you get older, you'll find you do stare a lot more. But you don't necessarily see more. Do you know?

You're just staring. And if someone said, what did you say? I don't know. Not so sure. Whereas a youngster can take it in, look out there and say, Robin Bird in the oak tree is beginning to... Yeah, done.

That's a spot on impression, I mean. Michelle King says that. Robin Oak Tree. That's niche at the window all over. Robin Oak Tree, Rosie Jones, honking a tit. Just like that, immediately, as soon as you said it,

beer down, bam, back to a beer. And then you pushed her over. Yeah. Disgraceful. Right out that oak tree. That... This is so weird because actually

my golden rule is always fuck and maybe imagine this. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that.

Fuck that. That's your golden rule. Yeah. And then I'll do fuck that. Yeah, bye, bye. Always is the horrifying word in that sense, isn't it?

I'm assuming you mean anytime whenever you get the chance to meet me at Margelea, it's not just always. Yeah. Where's Rosie? Take a guess. You know where she is. Yeah, Tim. Always.

Always. I love Acaster trying to give her a way out of it and her going, no, no. Always fuck Miriam Margelea's up the arse. Also breaks two of Bob's golden rules. Rosie's late, she's fucking Miriam Margelea's up the arse. Miriam's trying to sleep. Yeah.

And yeah, bye. Unfortunately, Bob, I am quite noisy. If you lived with Rosie, Bob, if you lived with Rosie, and Rosie, well, yeah,

would you rather live with Alan Sugar or Alan Shearer? No, share a flat for six months. Oh, that is great. Shit, Shearer. Not even hesitation. Shearer seems like a decent blow. Yeah, you're right. Sugar seems like an absolute nightmare.

Yeah, that's a bad one. I think it would have to be Shearer, wouldn't it? You've got to be Shearer. You'll go sugar. Why not? Ed, you're diabetic. It's one of the only sugars I don't have to inject for. Couple of big dicks in the flat. Yeah, Shearer, I reckon.

So, it's a bad one. I usually ask it with daytime presenters. Yeah. Do you know, like Martin from Ones Under the Hammer? Yeah, yeah. That's a bad one, because everyone just says yes. Yeah, sure. Before you get to the second.

Martin, eh? I'm just saying, you know, what's happened? He's gone off the rails, is he? I don't know, I'm genuinely mean that. What has happened? I've been keeping up with Martin's

goings on. I have chestnuts at Christmas, just so that I could say one thing. Do people still have them? Do people still have chestnuts at Christmas? They're delicious, aren't they? It's getting hard, though, to get...

At the moment, the ratio I'm getting is about one good one out of every four. I'm just laughing it. Because the bad ones taste like shit, they really don't. Do you ever buy them off the street vendors? You know the chestnut street vendors? I never go into the street.

I'm either in my house or on Parkland. That's one of my rules. The third rule, that's what we're all waiting for. Never be on the street. I don't understand the streets anymore, so it's best to keep away.

What's changed on the streets since back in your day? I wouldn't know, James, because I've not been on the streets. Do you remember what it was that made you go, I can't be on the streets anymore? Bloody chestnut sellers. They're big fat asses.

I couldn't... I couldn't handle it. There's not much to see anymore. There used to be so much to see on the streets. Kids with hoops. You know, kicking a ball around, playing rounders, bunting everywhere.

It's all gone. It's all gone now. Shall we give Bob his present, James? Thank you. Bob, we've tried... Let's get the old couch here. I haven't seen this yet. I'm quite excited to see this.

What do they call those things? Slabbers? Slabbers. Yes, they call them slappers. They don't, do they? No. They call them robotits. Robotits is what we've been calling them.

Do you want this on the table or on your lap? Not on the table's fine. On the table's fine. Because I'm thinking it's going to be heavy. Do I just go ping? Do you make that noise if you want? Shit. Now, so...

Oh, I hope it's not sausages. You've got a bunch of pocket meats there if you want them, but also... Process meats for you to get you the award next year. Just check the sell-buys. Yeah. Another golden rule! Yeah.

Tesco prime cuts roast beef is two days out of... Well... Don't bother me. Don't know, he gives it more taste. No. In the roast chicken last, because that goes right up to Christmas Eve. Lovely.

It'd be nice to imagine you on Christmas Eve eating that Bob staring out the window. Yeah, yeah. Well, I might see Santa and you won't. Bob. This is the present we're most excited about, though. The get. It's got a big hole in it.

It's got a boost bar in it. And it's flush. It's a bit like dealing with your dog when he... That's... That's... That's all right, lassie. It was just a boost bar. Stuck in there.

Now, do you want to have a bite of that before we go? Do you want me to have a bite? Well, you were quite excited on the podcast. When you came on the podcast... Is it a boost bar? Yeah, but you wanted to have it in the baguette. And you wanted to have a bite of it in the baguette. It's what you want on the podcast.

You just wanted to be flush in the baguette so you could eat it. It's fucking flush. It looks really flush. It's so flush. It's a big moment. It's a dream of Bob's. My teeth might come out.

Woo! Genuinely? Genuinely. If I bite it with the right angle, they'll stay in. No, no, no. This is very tense. It works. We're OK.

Let's see if this is nice. Well, I think that's how we always planned on ending the first half of this show. Yeah, no, it was teeth fell out. Yeah. Is it delicious, Bob? It is, obviously. Obviously delicious.

Yeah, but it would be nice hot. Yeah, we'll warm it up in the interval for you. You can have it. OK, thank you. Do you want to have that for the car on the way home? Yeah. I'd have just got one big carpet. LAUGHTER

Oh, Jesus! That's just me. I'm pleased to see... It's nice to see a carpet. I was sent to wed earlier, Laminates took over for a good period, maybe I'd say 20 years. But the carpet is coming back and I'm pleased to see it.

I'll be honest, when you were telling me that, Bob, I didn't immediately think he's trying gear out on me. LAUGHTER No, I'm not. I would just put, like, if he was in your front room and the wife said, let's get a carpet, you wouldn't say, well, I'll get bored. LAUGHTER

But they'll be the same. Yeah. So, look all right. I would say this is about 12 by 14. 12 by 14. Yeah, 12 by 14. About that big time. I said that when I came out.

I said to Benito, I said, what are you fucking doing? So it's not exactly what Bob said, is it? Yeah. LAUGHTER He said to me

on the table that's the biggest rock I've ever seen. And I said, you're lying. I'm lying. Benito told Rosie

they don't make rugs bigger than this. Yeah. And he walked away. Bullshit. He was bullshit, Benito. Bullshit, Benito. No, you were lying. He's got a bigger rug than this in his pocket, Benito. Like, pocket.

Little pocket, Ruck. Yeah. It looks like nothing. 30 foot. Well, I think that takes us nicely to the end of the day. Yeah, I think so. Can we get a massive round of applause for our first three guests of the evening? Yes, Rosie Abarth.

Bob Mortimer! Go and have a little break. We'll see you in a little bit. Have a drink. Bye-bye! APPLAUSE Yes, welcome back. Welcome back. Can we have a nice break? APPLAUSE Welcome back to the Off Menu Christmas dinner party!

APPLAUSE I'm mad for it, Ed. You are mad for it, actually. The smoke and the lights have got my cherry Pepsi max. You are. Absolutely off your face, mate. LAUGHTER Loving it. Look at you. I am loving it. Can't see anyone in these glasses.

I can just dance the night away. Yeah, everyone left. That's why they've all gone. They were traitors, and they got banished. Oh, no. We had a little chat backstage about don't reference the traitors anymore, because no one knows what the fuck you're talking about. I was told very clearly to stop.

But I can't stop, because I'm 100% faithful. LAUGHTER You can't make me stop. I'm 100% faithful. And I know it, because I am faithful. That's how I know, because I'm faithful. But that's what a traitor would say. No. Don't come at me with that.

Guys, I've heard James is a traitor. Spread it round. Oh! Here's the thing, Ed. Talking of absent people, speaking of people going. We had three lovely guests in that first part. We've had some amazing guests. And...

APPLAUSE We got three lovely guests in the second half, but never guests who couldn't make it today. Look, we've had so many great guests in the past, and some people just couldn't make it. So, luckily, one of the guests that we really, really wanted to be here. Yeah, he really wanted to be here.

Couldn't make it. But has made a video for you tonight so that he can be here in spirit. So, here's a little video from a guest who can be here. Hello to the off-menu audience. I'm down after all. We hope you're having as much fun as I had

the last time I spoke with Ed and James. You may know that I co-founded Crystal Head Vodka back in 2008. At Crystal Head, we use only the highest quality ingredients, Christine Water from Newfoundland, Canada, without any add-ins, to create unique expressions of vodka.

Crystal Head Original, our corn, our Onyx, a Gavi-based vodka, our Aurora, Sunset Wheat from England, and the corn in our Pride Bottle. They all make excellent gifts,

and are available for next-day delivery for those last-minute holiday thoughts. Ed and James, we wish you the best with your project. He actually did it. Actually did it. And I would wager, fucking no memory of ever meeting us.

No idea what he was saying there. No, we told Bonito to ask him to do that as a joke. And then Bonito got back to us a month later and just sent us that cold with no text. That is that.

And we could not believe it. I watched it 50 times in a day. There were some stipulations to getting that video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got it! We got the hood! We just got to put that there for the rest of the recording. Absolutely delicious.

The head. Not in the Pride Bottle, sadly. If you haven't listened to the Denac Croyd episode, please do. It's the best thing we've ever done with our lives. Episode is a generous word. The debacle. Shall we bring another guest on, James?

Yeah, we should be standing for the first guest. We should be standing for this guest, actually. Very exciting. We continue with the fan favourites. It's only fan favourites tonight because it's Christmas. Please, welcome to the stage Munya Chihuahua!

Munya Chihuahua! Munya Chihuahua! Woo! Woo! Wow! That was the thirstiest reaction we've had tonight. Yeah, man, maybe we should have phoned Joel.

How much of this is H&M that you're wearing? Be honest, how much of it's H&M, Munya? All right, so listen. I don't know if you've seen Munya on the tube looking very sexy, sporting a lot of H&M gear. You see, I actually don't even like dogs, right? Right.

Because I had some bad experience. He's on the shirt, by the way, just in case you thought Munya's... I mean, he says weird shit, but that would be outrageous even for him. Munya doesn't think that H&M is run by dogs. I don't like dogs because I've had all the traumatic experiences you could have with dogs. I've had them.

Munya, I'm just going to read... Sorry, I'm just going to read a message you sent me. This was quite soon after you recorded off menu, which you just admitted to me by the way that you had absolutely no idea what the fuck it was when you agreed to do it. Munya didn't know what it was. When we started asking him questions about food,

he had to just riff it. Yeah, when you shouted that pop-a-doms thing at me, I was like, bro, stop trying to be cool. Like, I thought that was just a quote. No one has ever thought that about me. This guy's trying to be cool. Well, you figure it's cool to shout pop-a-doms or bread. Now, Munya, just because you brought dogs up,

this might be something that you're referencing. So this was just... Just to put this text in context, Munya had done our podcast. He talked about the time he got his bum stuck in a window. He talked about setting fire to a whole bunch of gardens in Zimbabwe. He talked about...

Covering his feet and Vaseline and skidding around in a bar to practice his balance. Yes, and then seeing an elephant... Which he then reused on Taskmaster. Well, he didn't mention on Taskmaster that while he was doing that, he saw an elephant out the window and cut over. So that's the kind of episode we had had with Munya. And then he said this text.

So I said, podcast out now. Everyone's loving it. Hope you're well. He said, yeah, just seen. Thanks for having me. Three days later, yo, I forgot to tell you guys, my dog got eaten in a stew. I followed by the crying laugh in emoji. Yeah, three, three of them. I don't know whether I should tell that story.

It's too sad. But listen. Well, we know the end. I will tell you that story later. Okay, well, this is what you did when you were on the podcast the first time. Absolutely refused to tell any stories. You were like, no, no, no, I'll save that for next time I'm on. Don't normally do that, Munya. All right.

So the story about dogs that comes to mind is... It's not the stew one. I was in Zimbabwe. All right, and I'm getting taken to school. So as we're driving to the school now, I'm looking at the school wall

and I'm seeing this dog like trying to claw its way in. So I'm thinking, this dog's crazy, right? Yeah. So anyway, my dad's like, just watch out for that dog if it comes in the school. This is your dad who invented giant sapsables.

He wants my dad, his first priority is to protect me. My mum even tells me a story. He jumped out a 200 foot tree to save me from a madman. So now I'm getting flashbacks to the first time we chatted, Munya. Yeah.

You've got a mad dog getting into a school and you've diverted into a story about your dad jumping out of a 200 foot tree. Which, by the way, doesn't exist. No, no, no, it does. A 200 foot tree? Because I know what you're thinking. If a man jumped out a 200 foot tree,

it will break every burn in his body. But then if I say to you, it's a room where pregnant women can lift cars, you don't bat an eyelid. My eyelids are doing nothing but fucking batting right now. And I'll be honest, Munya, none of that was in my head. What was in my head was what was his dad doing

in a tree in the first place. 200 foot tree? Because the thing is, I don't want to get sidetracked tonight. So, look. None of us do. What story are you telling now? Just to be crystal clear. Let me clarify a fact,

then tell a little story, then the big story. So the fact is, when a woman's pregnant, let's stay on that. Because their instinct is to protect the child, they get superhuman strength. If you Google it, after this, can a pregnant woman lift a car? Yes.

Hang on. I do sort of know what you're getting at. But I think it's a mum lifting a car up from her child that's already born. Why is the mum who has the baby in her stomach lifting the car up? Because mum is going around

saving people, because they're so strong. No. There's a window after the giving birth that she's still pregnant, because the belly is still out. She's not still pregnant. She's not still pregnant after giving birth. Anyway, listen, you're now getting sidetracked.

Because... No, you got us there. We didn't get sidetracked by you. No, sorry, we didn't know what you meant by pregnant. Let me take charge. Yes. My dad is in a tree. Yes.

Why? In Derby. A 200-foot tree in Derby. I think we would know about that. Why is he in a tree? Okay. Come on, man. Have you never just seen a tree and thought,

well, it's just standing there. I have to interact with it. Anyway, my dad likes to do these things. Anyway, he was in a tree. I was playing on the pavement. So you're... If you've got him on here, he'll tell you this story. I was on the pavement, playing around.

And this crazy guy just starts sprinting towards me. Right? And my dad sees that and he just jumps from the tree. Because adrenaline... That's good parenting, man. Even if he broke his bones, he wouldn't feel it in that moment. I didn't say to him after that,

did you break any bones? That's the only bit of the story I know. So maybe he broke his bones. Because if I said, oh, he jumped out of a tree, saved my life, but broke all his bones, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So your dad jumped 200 feet out of a tree, landed just on his feet like a cat,

and the madman did what? Run away again? So if you saw someone jump out of a tree and live, you wouldn't be afraid. If I was a madman, no. Anyway, I don't know what happened after that. But all I know is there was a dog outside my school. Yes.

Can I just check where in Derby is this 200 foot tree? It's a place called Allington. And in an urban area of Derby, because there's a pavement, so people are living there, there's a 200 foot tree in the middle of the pavement. If the tree is growing up the pavement, we can assume already it's a supernatural...

It's like an artificial tree. No, they don't grow up out of the pavements like that. Hang on. When they're making the pavement, they put it around the fence. So it's supernatural, corrected yourself and said artificial. For a tree to make it through a pavement

in the first place, it has to be naturally selected. So it has to be... What do you think happened, Munya? Do you think later pavement, and then the pavement started going... Oh! It's over time, and then a tree came out of it.

Yeah. Or do you think there was a tree there where the pavement kind of around a bit of the tree? I think there were several tree seeds. Seeds? And the most powerful one is the one that flew through. Anyway, the thing is, this ain't even the story I'm trying to tell.

I'm trying to say to you, I was in school and there was a dog at the wall. What kind of a dog was it? Do you remember? It had rabies. So when I... OK, I'm just remembering the shape of your stories. Basically, the stories within the story will be insane, and the actual story you're trying to tell

that you shouldn't have told it. Only when I come on this show do I feel like they're insane. At the other time, it's a normal story. Well, you might want to re-watch a series of times. Dogs. Dogs, right? Yes.

They like activity. So it makes sense that a dog would be near a school because there's a lot of fun and ball games, right? So... Anyway, I just noticed that this particular dog is going crazy. And I'm like, please, Lord, don't let the dog get into the school.

You're worried about it. The next thing I know, before the school bell goes, I'm seeing in the distance various of my friends being chased by this dog. Right? Been chased. It's got rabies. Now at the time...

Should I put this detail now? Well, at the time, I used to gallop around school. LAUGHTER No one took it seriously, but this shit was... No one took the Galloping Kid

seriously around school. Fucking dumbness. I could go so fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How fast were you at galloping compared to the other kids when they were running? You know, as a kid, you would think to yourself, if I do anything that could get me bullied,

I'll stop it unless it's effective. This galloping was so effective, I didn't care. That's how I knew it was fast. So you basically... the bullies couldn't catch up with you, right? What the fuck are you galloping? Oh, he's gone. Yeah, that's no point. Right, I'm looking at the dog.

I'm looking at the dog and I'm like, I know it's going to chase me. These things always happen to me, right? Because it's chasing all of your friends. It's already chasing all of your friends. The dog starts chasing me. Can you remember the moment when the dog saw you Oh, yeah, because it was chasing...

it was chasing a girl this way. Yeah. And then it saw me and switched directions and began chasing me. This is how I remember it anyway. And when I was running, what I distinctly remember is, number one, I was galloping. Number two, I needed... I needed to get new school shoes

because one of my school shoes had torn at the back. Because of the galloping. So this dog is... this dog... Was it because of the galloping? Was it because of the galloping that you'd torn your shoes? Why didn't they just nail your shoes directly onto your fucking feet? I used to do a lot of... Drugs.

I used to do a lot of sports. Including... So my shoes had a lot of wear. I even used to do line dancing. Can you believe it? No, wow. Vaseline or no Vaseline? Normally a line dance, you'd be tied to a post outside, wouldn't you? They dismount you and then go into the dance.

I'm running away from this dog and the dog is very nearly catching me. Yeah. And I was afraid because I heard what happened when a dog with rabies bites you because we had a whole assembly on it. A whole assembly? The only two assemblies I remember is

when a dog with rabies bites you and then number two was the Nesquik bunny. Right? I don't know what to do. This is a problem I can't keep up but I've got nothing to say because there's everything to say. There's no story about the Nesquik bunny though.

The assembly? You had a whole assembly about the Nesquik bunny, wasn't you? Everyone in this room is thinking what the assembly was. I would like you to explain how there was two assemblies. What happens if you get bitten by a dog with rabies and the other one was the life

and history of the Nesquik bunny? And there's no way anyone else from Zimbabwe is sat there going, oh yeah, I remember that one. No, they won't. Where did this one take place? Zimbabwe? The thing about the Nesquik bunny story

is that I find that very suspicious because they had the Nesquik bunny behind the stage. What? The way you said, oh ladies and gentlemen, I walked out, they said not only are we going to give you free Nesquik but the Nesquik bunny is behind the stage

but to get him out you need to shout his name. Yeah, Nesquik bunny. But the bunny's name was Quickie. So we just had a room full of kids screaming Quickie. In retrospect, that's not cool. No, it's not cool. Hold on.

You know who did the voice for the Nesquik bunny? The Nesquik bunny. Very mugly. Prince Andrew. That's why the Nesquik bunny never sweats. You had an assembly that was basically a promo for Nesquik serial.

Well yeah, they must have had like a thing with the school. Yeah. Anyway, Nesquik is not bad to drink, is it? No, it's very good for you, I'm sure. It makes sense for a school to partner with them. The story was this Derby or Zimbabwe? Oh, this was Zimbabwe.

In Derby, they don't think outside the box like that. No. Yeah, everyone's too busy up a fucking tree. He hookups with Quickie. The Nesquik story, we didn't need to go there. So, anyway. The point I wanted to tell you,

because the maddest thing is, the dog story is not even a big story. You've now built it up to be this big story. The punchline is, I escaped the dog, but it bit the whole butt of my shoe off. So, okay. So, this is exactly what I predicted would happen.

Yeah. The punchline is a dog bit the bottom of your shoe off. But along the way there, your dad has jumped out of a 200 foot tree and stopped a madman. A pregnant woman has lifted a car.

A pregnant woman has lifted a car. Yeah, that happened. Let's not forget that that happened. The Nesquik bunny, who we just discovered's name is Quickie, we didn't know that, came into your school for an assembly. The dog had rabies.

You used to frequently gallop everywhere. But all this to tell us a dog once bit the bottom of your shoe off. Which is why it's amazing I'm wearing this shirt. That's all I wanted to say. Yeah, yeah. Well,

welcome to the show, man. Welcome to the show. Oh, I'm knackered. Yeah, me too. Bullshit. So, the dog that got eaten in a stew is a different dog. All right.

To me, personally, this dog was always cursed because we got two dogs. I called my Charlie from a film called All Dogs Go to Heaven. You heard that, you've seen that film? Right, so kiss a death. My sister

called the dog Ginger, which is stupid, because it was a black Labrador. So, already I'm thinking this dog is stupid. This dog is stupid. Sorry, I'm thinking it's cursed. It's cursed.

My sister would do all sorts of weird things. You know the dogs underneath with like little pads. Yeah, and they're poor. So, she would always clean the pads saying, oh, I'm cleaning the dog's brakes. Yeah.

Okay. So, I'm like, you know what? So, in your family, you're the normal one? Yeah. We've got to do a podcast with money's entire family. Not that we've been able to hear his dad. Because... Hello!

No one ever teaches you about a dog. So, when I... When I... I think some people do teach that sort of stuff. I think that's actually made very clear what's normal and what's not normal about a dog.

No. James, no. Stand corrected. I didn't go outside for a whole two weeks because I saw my dog's boner and I didn't know what it was. Okay. I thought it was a disease.

So, why did you have to go outside for two weeks? You were self-isolating. No, I just don't want to be near it. I don't want to catch it. But wasn't the dog in the house? Oh, no. No, the dog was outside. He thought if I go outside, I'll see the boner again.

Yeah. Oh, so I misheard it. I thought you said you went outside for two weeks because you saw a dog's boner. No. That makes much more sense. Here's the real question. How did it sustain the boner for two weeks?

Uh, there was this pie. Yeah. Will it? Basically, I thought that the dog posed a risk to me because already once it nearly took my life. Not by biting me, but because one day, I walked past the dog.

Yeah. And, you know, my grandparents had been to town, so I had a lot of sweets just kicking about. It was brought sweets from England. By the way, Benito just came over and went like that to suggest that the next guest is coming over, and I went like this. Yeah.

Ben, just let me... We might as well have just put on one of the Batman films or something. It's no way. We'd just started Avengers Endgame. Well, Ben, as a producer, how would you say, do you want to bring on a guest before or after I tell you my dog was

in a stew? You can't go... And I'll tell you why my dog was in a stew when the next guest is in. Well, hear about your dog being in a stew and then we'll bring out the next guest, who I imagine has questions. This is a quick one.

So, I walked past a dog and there's a skittle on it. What? There's a skittle, like a single skittle. This is after you've not... The dog is still alive. This is after the boner thing. This is after the boner thing, so we've made a mend.

And I see the sweet on the dog and I'm thinking, you know what, my mum's always saying germs are good for you, what not, so maybe I'll try and eat the skittle. Off the dog's back. That's what your mum meant. Now and again, when you eat a sweet off a dog's back. How is it even balanced in the dog's back?

People say, what off a dog's back? So how is it different? People aren't drinking water off a dog's back. That's not what the saying is. The saying isn't water off a dog's back. It means that people drink the water off a dog's back. Yeah, and I ate the sweet off a dog's back. Yeah, but that's not...

Water off a dog's back is water flows very easily off a dog's back. You are talking about a dog with a skittle somehow bouncing on a dog's spine. It's the opposite. If you take the skittle off a dog's back, it's not going to go. What are you doing? It's going to not care about the dog.

Nothing to do with the dog. What are you talking about? It won't care about the dog's back. So you are saying that the phrase water off a dog's back is obviously like, yeah, it doesn't... I don't give a shit. And you're saying skittle off a dog's back. You are the dog and someone

takes a skittle off of your back and you're like... Yes, exactly. Most dogs would actually turn around and try to eat the skittle. Actually, I'm going to say that. If you took a skittle off a dog's back, it would turn around and be like... and try to eat it because that's what dogs do with your food. The point is...

I tried to... I tried to take the skittle off the dog's back. I was thinking, this shit is stuck down. Pulled it off, looked at it. I said, you know what? Actually, no. Put it down, it was a tick. So you can see how I nearly died from that.

Yeah, because... You fell for the age-old trick. I'm thinking the tick was a skittle and trying to eat it. Yeah. Off a dog's back. Who you were previously scared of because you got a boner. Continue. Presumably, you thought was a push-pop.

That's why you're scared of the boner. Yeah. Anyway, for whatever reason, our dogs always used to jump over the gate, right? We had a small gate in front of the house, always used to jump over. One day, the dog jumps over. I can't see it anywhere, right? So I climb over the wall and I say to my neighbours,

have you seen my dog? And they said, look, the other neighbours, they ate him. They... The rumour is they put him in a stew. Yeah, man. I've giggled in Derby, I understand this.

No, no. It's a bad way. Because if it was in Derby, my dad would be on the tree and he'd say, what are these guys doing? Yeah. Don't put it in a stew. Your dog jumped the fence, like directly into a pot of stew?

Or... It was going around. Going around, yeah. Which is sad, because your dogs are your first line of defence and then you have... Not yours. In Zimbabwe, we have this thing called a bambooker, which is this big stick designed to beat thieves.

And my dad actually broke that stick in half. Yeah. I'm going to tell you that now. I'm going to tell you that after the next guest. No. I love it, Munya. Every time. But I will not tell you that now.

Well, we'll bring the next guest out. We do have a present for Munya, but I'm not sure... Oh, yeah, I want that. What it is or where it is, I honestly don't really know. Is it this? It's just under the cloche. I've got no idea what this is, Munya.

Well, it can't be a skelthal, Munya, because we can't... No, we didn't predict that. We can't edit your present on the fly. No, we're predicted that you were going to try to eat a tick once, because you thought it was a skelthal. I mean, I'm assuming it was a tick that had the letter S on its back.

Shall I open? Yeah. Yeah, go for it. There's a pot of Vaseline. Vaseline. Now, that is because you like to line the bathtub with Vaseline and pretend to serve in the bath. I'll be honest, we also asked for a paddling pool so you could try it out live, and we were told the insurance would not cover it.

Ha! Are you ready for another guest? You're going to get fucking told off, Munya. You're going to get fucking told off, Munya. One of the OG fan favourites. OG fan favourites. Very excited to have her on. Please welcome... Sindhu Veees!

Sindhu Veees! Hiya! How do you like Sindhu? Can Sindhu sit in the middle? No, no, I can sit here. That's fine. You sit there. Far away from me. I have so much to say. First of all, I have been bitten

by a different dog 13 times before I was 10. 13 times? 13 times before I was 10. That's like 1.1 a year. Correct. But some of them were several times in a year because as a child I loved dogs. We lived in the Philippines

and there were these gates and then under the gate there would be a little nose, you know. And you'd be like, oh, doggy doggy, and the dog would be like, and then bite your hand. And then sometimes I'd say dog in the road, but doggy doggy. And the thing is... So like 13 times?

No, but then I would have to be taken to the hospital because if you had 13 dogs can have rabies, you'd get 11 shots in your stomach. And my dad would take me every time. And at some point we would get to the hospital and the nurse would be like, oh yeah, you go there and get your shots. It was that common. And it was always so painful

to get bitten and then have the shots. But what can I say? I was a stupid child. It's not uncommon. Were you falling for the same trick every time that the nose was under the gate or were there different ways that the dogs kept getting you? I was walking by.

And you had 11 jabs every time? No, no, because sometimes they were so close I would just get the booster because I just had the 11 shots. Right? I'd say seventh dog. You probably should have been like... No, I used to be like, oh, this dog is friendly.

Yeah. And then the reason I never was bitten the 14th time was... Because people ask. No, on the 13th time while my dad came in the evening to the doctor, my mom said to me, is the fact that you come home,

I will take your life. Which means she said, this time when you come home, I will kill you. Because every time your father's food gets cold, the dinner, and the dogs are exhausted of biting you. So I will say, you come home today, I will kill you. So I was like, oh, she might.

Yeah. It's another wonderful phrase from you on the podcast. Ever since to the hungry man, she has been eating crisps. And so she said... His mother told her growing up. Yeah. And so I was so scared of my mom. I was like, okay, I'm not going to get bitten.

So it was the 13th time. So I get it. Dogs are... Dogs in the UK are so sane. You know, they're so sane. They're like, oh, hi, hi. And you can pet them and you say, what's your name? Oh, my name is Ben's dog called Toast.

Oh, hello, Toast. Hello. They're not going to play, you know. And, yeah, so that was one thing I remember. And I was always fascinated. Here you can leave your dogs in the park and they play with each other. And they rip each other to shreds.

So that's your dog story. I was like, yeah. You know, I never expected our next guest to come on and say to Munya, oh, yeah, I agreed with that. Yeah, no, no. 100% was like, we're about to bring out one of the most logical people that I know. We're about to get torn apart.

It's like, you're absolutely right, Munya. I was bit for 13 times. Yeah, but also, our neighbors lost their dog and my mother was like, oh, the opposite side neighbors ate it. She said, they have eaten it.

And I was like, really? She said, ha, ha, some people eat the dogs. She said, ha, ha. Ha, ha means yes, yes. Oh, okay. Ha, ha means yes, yes. Well, that was the meanest person. Ha, ha, somebody ate your dog. Goodbye.

Your mom's Nelson Munts. But also, she was like, so sure. And then we had two dogs and I always kept them secret from the lady opposite because I didn't want my dogs to be in a stew. And also, we're vegetarians so we couldn't even have had some stew.

My stories are normal, but you two, you gas like me. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I don't, I have to say, no, I have to say, talking about gaslighting, 200 foot trees and dads jumping out, please, please. But you know when you're young,

you give your parents superpowers and that's cute. No, he taught me that. Of course he did. You know how high 200 foot is? I went on a ride at Alton Towers which is 200 foot. And I understand that that might seem implausible,

but if you were to catch the random branch on the way down each time, you know, you reduce the momentum. I'm not saying that he fouled down a completely branchless tree. No, you're saying he didn't. No, you're saying your dad went

doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. He landed on his feet, beat up a madman and took you home, right? Yeah, he had his nest quick that day. You're saying that your dad is Spider-Man. Why is he always changing his names then? He beat up bad people and all that. And it's called Lahti.

Just FYI. As my mother used to say, should I take out the Lahti, then you say, no, no, I'll do my homework. What does that translate as? Should I take out the Lahti? Should I take out the stick we used to kill people and you say, no, I'll do my homework?

That's what it translates as. Shall I take out the stick we used to kill people? Don't play. Indian mothers and Indian dogs neither play. They'll fuck you up. How many times have you been bitten by Indian mothers? Never. Although now that you bring it up,

my cousin Baby did bite people all the time. My cousin Baby who lives in Bangalore and I'm going to tell her to listen to this. She's called Baby. She's like 48, what we call her Baby because she's young. And she was younger than all of us. Anyway, she used to bite people. Like it was a thing. She would just bite people

and it became really fun. I used to have to go to the post office with my parents and we would take Baby with us. Because she bit people? Yeah, and then we would hold on to her and she hadn't bitten anyone all day, she was getting crazy. And we would take her and then we'd say Baby, Baby

after we'd done our work me and my cousins, that guy and she would dash and go and bite them and then we would run out of the post office. And this is a 48 year old woman? No, no, she was like I don't know, nine or ten

but so much biting. No, no, she was she was young but she was a biter. Yeah, she sounds like a biter. A big biter. Also, if it was in the post office if it wasn't a very busy day would she have to go all the way around the cube before she bit them?

No, she didn't care. She was like a man. You know what's that thing that has Minion Devil? She would just go run through people, push them, push them but you had to tell her the guy, the guy with the blue shirt and she would go and just bite them here and then run. We laughed.

You know like some kids make prank calls we used to send Baby to bite people. This is my favourite moment I think of the whole evening. It went largely unnoticed is the two of you are so much on the same page in the same wavelength. There's a point where you went

you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and when you're really serious you went Tas, yeah. Had his microphone down here listening to Sindhu's story and just, yeah Tas, yeah. Tas. Also, everyone else

when you said you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and round everyone else thought, oh yeah like the literal animal that gets called a Tasmanian devil when you thought, oh she's referring to the Looney Tunes character. I'm referring to the Looney Tunes character. Looney Tunes character. Tas, yes. There you go.

We've booked this line up in the second half for you to come out and provide some logical balance Sindhu and it's not paid off. We deliberately were like, we'll get out Monya he'll tell the stories that make no sense Sindhu will come out and absolutely like break it all down and that'd be fun. There's some parts of those stories that are

very real to me so Yeah. What about the eating tick off a dog's back because he thought it was a skiffle? I mean all children are allowed to be stupid that's fine you know and I suppose if you're used to the thing is

what I really appreciate is he didn't eat it because a lot of kids would be like there are no skiffles sometimes they're not so squishy but let me try but he didn't do that. We should have given you props. My friend Michael Parnate, rabbit poo once

because we told him it was more teasers There you go. I would have survived because my body can avoid poisoning You know, okay think about it think about it. Ticks are not poisonous.

Ticks are not poisonous. How do you know that? Because we had dogs that had ticks and they didn't die. Yeah but they and no But they don't eat the ticks. The ticks eat them

and the poison would have gone in. Okay, you're going to want to hear this. Come back. You know like when I told you about there was a time that I drank a cocktail that had almonds in it I survived, right? Thirteen.

Alright. That makes more sense. You've got to preface it with that one otherwise it doesn't make any sense. I've eaten nuts maybe like almonds, hazelnuts, peanuts 19 times in my life. Maybe you're not allergic.

No, no. Perhaps. This is what we thought it would be like. Here we go. Because now you see what you're going to do. I can't believe our podcast has turned into a pitch for someone else's chat show. Yeah, I mean clearly

everyone wants to see this podcast. But by the way can I just say in my defense in the first half I was like oh food podcast blah blah blah I kept listening and suddenly it was like Nish was like I have a lot of movements and then Rosie came under a honking her breasts

I said what the fuck is going on here? So I put on my AirPods and listened to some other shit. Yeah, she did. So where's the food chat? Yeah, but we're talking about food because nuts. Oh. I know I'm allergic. I know I'm allergic.

But it was a techie. You didn't eat it. Because in Tunisia I ate a nutty ice cream and I hummed my throat open. Oh yeah. Because it was closing up and you went I hummed. To keep it going.

To keep it going. I get that. No, because then if it's like a movement it's still opening and closing. I was afraid to use an EpiPen which is how I developed my resistance to nuts. James.

You're not even paying attention now. Guys, you have to listen to this. No matter tips. So, okay, James, take a seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry man, I am listening. So you had an allergic reaction to Yeah.

You hummed your throat open. So even I don't get any. Okay. So... There's nuts in it. I didn't use an EpiPen because I misinterpreted

what an EpiPen did. So that's why whenever I ate nuts I had to just find my own way of coping because I thought Please don't say you fought an EpiPen and gave you an epileptic foot. No, no, no. Okay, thank God. Someone said an EpiPen is full of adrenaline.

Right? So when you inject yourself it then makes you throw up. So I've heard. I thought when you inject yourself with it you become powerful. Like you become super strong and like going to a rage.

And jump off trees 200 years. So I didn't know what would happen to me if I injected myself in a public place and from fear of that I just never used it and that's how I became immune to nuts. If you have EpiPen use it but until maybe last year it could cause chaos.

I know I don't need to do this but please know that everything Muneo says is complete fucking bullshit. Don't anyone follow this? Yeah. But also it seems in Zimbabwe they neither explained dogs nor EpiPens

because they didn't teach us what was about dogs. They only taught him about Nesquik if a dog with rabies bites you. They didn't teach him about dog boners. So for the record I absolutely love Christmas. So much.

Yes, I love it so much. It's a fantastic time of the year leading up to Christmas. Just in last year I learned the term Grimbo. I love that. Happy Grimbo.

I learned that from Becca who works with me. Anyway, Happy Grimbo. So I love Christmas. I've always loved Christmas because in India everyone has Christmas and there's Christmas trees and as I've mentioned before

there's Santa Claus in India but he's not quite like your Santa Claus here because it's kind of a foreigner Santa Claus. First of all, not fair at all. So wears a lot of powder because it has to look fair like in the books and then they sweat and it runs down their face.

It's not very convincing to a child sometimes it goes in their eyes and then sometimes it goes in their mouth and you meet them and they're saying Merry Christmas, it's like no. Also, not fat and jolly because in India if you take the Santa job you're probably not fat.

You need the job so you're quite thin. So yeah, it's not a very convincing Santa but it's Santa and we have our Santa and we have our Christmas trees and it's great and then now I'm married to a Scandinavian and they have proper Christmas. They have candles on their Christmas tree

and a bucket of water nearby but anyway, they have this and we have a very traditional Danish Christmas with very traditional Danish Christmas food. What's traditional Danish Christmas food? It's either a turkey or a goose depending on whether you...

until 2020 I didn't eat meat so I didn't understand any of this it was like it's a bird and my mother-in-law has her hand up a bird, whatever, who knows but turkeys if you like to be healthy and a goose has more fat, I believe. It's that. It's savory potatoes and it's caramelized potatoes

which I have mentioned on your podcast in the past that's very important. It's two side salads one of them has chicory I don't know what the other one has, I don't like salad haven't paid attention to it much. No, and then it's very important is the dessert

it's called Risse Allemande and it's rice, it's a French name it's rice and cream almonds and it's like a sweet pudding Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, that's fine because you're not allergic so you'd be fine. Anyway, and then...

You just hum the rest of Christmas day Exactly, you'd just be like anyway, you'd just do jingle bells in your throat, you'd be fine but in the Risse Allemande is a whole almond and you eat this thing and the family member that gets the whole almond

takes it out and they get a present When I first got married it was fine blah blah blah, I was very competitive and I tried to cheat and apparently that's not good I like got my own almond and I was like and my mother-in-law was so disappointed but then when we had kids

it's like, oh the kids should win and it's like, that's not how the real world works you know, and then my mother the first Christmas she joined of course she cheated because you know, it's like you want to win and she was always so happy crying, my mother would be like, I won

and she would say, they have to learn what is real world if you don't get almond, you're a loser anyway so you have to get the almond and then you get a prize and it's a huge thing, so what you do is you take massive servings that's how I found out I was lactose intolerant honestly, that's how I found out

because I just ate so much to win Did you try humming? No, no, I didn't have that, I just I was terrible afterwards Diarrhea? Yeah, but I'm Indian so I have quite a steel stomach so it wasn't quite diarrhea

but it was a lot of, Nish would love this just farting Yeah, he would love it, Nish would love it but anyway, so that's Ries Alamond is a big part of it and then you have two or three different kinds of Christmas biscuits, smoke hair and the ones, and brun care and that's it

and then you have marzipan roll which is marzipan bread, so it's marzipan which is, what is it, nougat? So it's nougat wrapped in marzipan wrapped in melted chocolate Oh my God, right, let's talk about that for a bit longer because that sounds great, it's so good

That is more dangerous to me than a sniper on the opposite house Yes, no, no, this is not the meal for real diabetics, for fake not allergy, it's fine but for real diabetics, it's not the meal I don't think it's fake, I think that it's

not real, anyway but what I will say is this as a vegetarian, when I joined the family it was like, well what am I going to have for my main course they were very concerned, so the second year I remember my husband's aunt they were very concerned because it's a formal meal

she made something called a nut loaf Why are you nodding when you're That should be the exact thing that you shake your head at I've avoided it many times Yes, but I have to be honest I ate that nut loaf and I wished I had a nut allergy because it was, I mean, I'm sorry

but nut loaf, what are you trying to do It's dry, right? No, it's horrible there's too much going on that's wrong Yes So I didn't do nut loaf and then I would try and do my own things like, you know, I made mac and cheese for myself one year and it just didn't fit in with the formal meal

so they were a bit like mac and cheese and then another year I tried Indian food just took over the flavours so badly on the table, but now I just eat extra potatoes Extra potatoes And also in 2020 I started eating me chicken Why did you suddenly start eating chicken after

a lifelong brain of edgy Well, in the beginning of 2020 before we knew what it was I got very bad Covid very very bad and we didn't really know what Covid was yet, people were just fighting for toilet paper in little, you know to understand what was going on

And I got it very badly and it was very bad and I couldn't eat and it was just bad, but then all my Indian aunts were like they were giving all those Indian things like just have tamarind and hot water that was not helping Covid at all but then one of my friends, she's Jewish

she came over with chicken soup and she said I know it's not for your religion this that but at that point everyone was getting very worried including my doctor, she said just drink this and you know I had a word with myself and it's very hard for me to eat meat but I was like, you know I mean it kind of is better than dying

it kind of is it's just probably, and I have kids and I don't, it's too soon so I drank this chicken soup and it worked I wasn't throwing it up and stuff so then I drank chicken soup and then after a few days I thought if you're drinking chicken soup you can't say you're not eating chicken

and so I started eating chicken So just to just going to summarize this half so far Don't take your epipanit or cure your Nat allergy and chicken soup cures Covid Cindy we've got a gift for you but I think you've had quite a lot of your gift already

are we honest? No no that's not the gift, there is a separate gift, that's part of the gift That is absolutely delicious He's not lying that guy He's not messing around, and that's just the standard call I've got to be very careful with this when I'm being told What is it?

I have no memory once again of what this is So excited Because this is going to take a while to get there Just a little chat, we're all having backstage at one point in his life Munya was on Tinder for a year and he got so few matches that he emailed

the software company to see if it was working If only that was the end of the story He then created a new profile to test if it was his profile that was glitching a fake profile for himself and gave himself the name Andre Milky But do you lot think that's weird really?

No no no, okay Do you think that's weird? Andre, let's It's white Russian It's white Russian, it's a dream drink on the podcast Perfect for Andre Thank you

This is a beverage of love for me Yes, but I also drank it first time with this boyfriend I had who I loved deeply, who's not my husband but at the time we're still in boyfriend phase

and it's great and then they become your husband and after a while you're like But anyway this still is my love drink, so thank you To love drink? That's almond milk, start humming Right, bad luck Oh just tricking the books

Our final guest of the evening Our final guest is coming out Another fan favourite Another fan favourite A more recent fan favourite He's been retiring to himself as a fan favourite in public Every time we've seen him he has referred to himself

as a fan favourite to our faces But rightly so Please welcome to the stage Tim Pee Here we are Here we all are, the famous five Imagine us lot trying to solve a mystery Oh yeah

We haven't got time Now, I had a dog I can't imagine you with a dog No, I've got a stolen Well, I think eating Someone in the village Jane from Jane's Frames Jane from Jane's Frames

Do you think Jane ate it? To be honest I don't think she did I never had a dog But also I don't think English people eat dogs You need a dog? No, I don't think they eat dogs There are cultures where they eat dogs because they're like

It's an animal, but I don't think English people eat dogs It's still an animal here Yeah, but it's not an edible animal here I mean like a very friendly dog If you were like In an animated film In like an animated film

You'll bed in in a second You could do that in an animated film I'll just take that on face value, that's a very kind compliment Thank you Do you know what you've been in an animated film? Go on, careful Lovely hippo I'll take that

Causing mayhem That's nice Same film that has a friendly dog And a lovely hippo cause it mayhem Same universe, different film Tim, do you want to let us all know What we'd be in an animated film James would be like an ostrich

I think he said Tim, an ostrich It gives a fuck what animal you think James would be Actually, we'll get James out of the way Weird, sorry Can I just say I know he's asked you But I think James would be an ostrich Oh yeah

Why had you down as the ostrich cindu He had me down as an ostrich James the rat Munya, I forget what it was So we come to a head I genuinely think in this movie It's not a criticism You'd be a human

Weird farmer You're absolutely spot on Alcoholic, if you were in Alvin the Chipmunk Should be Dave I didn't realise that That was the most insulting thing you could have picked In an animated film Where everyone gets an animal

I'm a human Wearing your little boiler suit It's not a main part Who am I Deep, deep, deep background So I'm one of the guys working at the chicken factory In chicken run I don't think they've got one of the main animators to do you

Trainee I don't whoop that mate You whoop away, it's Christmas Do you agree with me whoop it Hello Tim Hello James What's in the bag? Poppidoms

Do you want to guess how much they cost? Oh, that's a good game Just guess them £4.99 What? £4.99 for £7 What the fuck are you talking about? In the curry house I go to

I'll tell you what I'll do 9 of them for £50 I'll tell you what I'll throw in a 10 for £49 I thought you got them from Martin Spencer Good point £2.50 Can I jump in and say something for this podcast

Because I love it dearly And I think there's a genuine love of food And food curiosity And for this audience May I just say one thing For the people listening to this It's fine if you want to call them Poppidoms

I don't mind, I think it's fine Because that is the English word Can we have an alternative? Correct So for those of you who are like Oh, I like this food so much I eat poppidoms all the time Just do yourself a favour

And call them the real thing It's Pappad P-A-P-A-D It's just Pappad And you can't say it because that's a sound Only South Asians can make But just say Pappad

Because here's the thing English people love Pappad And then they say Pappadom And I'm like Because I feel bad for them So just everyone on this podcast Or in your head just think it's It's Pappadom but I know it's Pappadom

You said this when you came on the podcast And it was too late To change the catchphrase And then we went to America And no one understood what the fuck we were saying anyway But that's America, they don't understand fuck all Fuck them Fuck them, they don't understand

They don't even understand Who to get for president, they got that lunatic Fuck them I like Joe Biden It's Pappadom Wait, so we added on the Dom No, first of all you put an O in it

Pappadom, it's like It's like if I call bread Bada Boda Bread is not Boda Boda It's bread What's the old thread How about this How about this There's no downsides

How about you just fucking do it Where's the downsides Pappad or bread But what if I said Pappad or Bada Boda But you know what I just want to make it very clear I'm saying this from a place of true

Love for people who love food You know what I mean? My kids make fun of me, they say Speak to your Italian friend Instead of calling him Lorenzo They make fun of me And I'm not asking you to be that weird guy I'm just saying

For us who know, just say Pappadom There's no downsides Or start calling bread Bada Boda I would feel like a total Dick in an Indian restaurant If I look to the menu that says Pappadom And look at the waiter and go Three Pappad please

No, because you know what Finally somebody Well I promise you Cindy This is a promise now We've recorded quite a few episodes for the next series But the next episode we record I will say Pappadom or bread to them

And we will see how it goes You see how it goes I promise you I will do it the next episode And we will see how it goes Because saying a word The way that it's supposed to be said And it's not your language It's something that's done

With an intention outside of love For that thing And I think We know you love Pappadom So say it Pappadom And anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off Anyway, that's what I brought along Can I just jump in on behalf of Zimbabwe

You know when you say still or sparkling Oh Jesus Christ Just call it what it is, yeah Still and then as Zimbabwe would say Maniac water Maniac water I'll do that You have my word

The next episode we record This is genuinely like a Christmas party I would like to add something from my culture Jesus When you say starter We tend to say hors d'oeuvres There's no downside, just get it fucking right Welcome to the show Tim

Thanks for having me For a minute there it felt like you genuinely turned up to a Christmas party late And you just stood in the corner with your first drink While people had an argument For two and a half hours Do you like Christmas Tim? Yeah Do you like it?

What's your problem with Christmas? Huh? What's your problem with Christmas? No problem, no problem We unveil the popper Unveil them Yes Ed, do you like Christmas?

I love Christmas, I never got asked that I'm about to get to you, relax I'll be honest, there wasn't much of a fucking gap in your bit Yeah Do you like Christmas? Yeah, do you like Christmas? It's okay, but we all are on the okay side of Christmas Yeah

I love it Tim, what bag did you bring your popperoms in there? Good paper bag That says Jojo Maman Bebe So just in case anyone doesn't know what that shop is It's maternity baby and child nursery and toys They sell popperoms? What's the story behind that bag Tim?

What you got that bag for me? It's also very dirty on the bottom Yeah, very dirty on the bottom Like a baby So it's basically a case of where to get the bag and explain the dirt Yeah Rather than constructing my menu this time

Oh yeah, no menu No menu this time I bought a a Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer A Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer What's it called? A baby grown A baby grown, yeah

Lovely That's quite sweet How did the bag get so dirty? Oh yeah, I wiped my ass and scraped it on the bottom That's my humour That's perfect stuff Perfect Now Tim, you brought the

Puppard Okay Fantastic, because it was a big chat The craze that was spreading the nation Shall I Be Mother? Yeah Big fans of Shall I Be Mother Look, you said it was a fan favourite

and it truly is a fan favourite Do I explain Shall I Be Mother to the people who haven't heard the episode? Well weirdly, no I don't When you made up a Shall I Be Mother it had nothing to do with me You pinned it on to me James You two hatched a plan

to make me be a person who says Shall I Be Mother and karate chops poppadoms But in actual real life I don't do that I think it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you would do Oh it fits in I'm not saying it doesn't fit in

but I don't do it That's like someone being arrested for murder and then they go did you do this one? Actually they might have done but you know you've got to do the research Research? Detective work

But then When I've listened back to it you are the one You've listened back to it Wowee A bit sad Do you have listening parties? I think you'll start to believe you're in hype

You are the one who brings up Shall I Be Mother as a phrase No, no, no, no I'm pointing at James there Look at people when they're talking to you Tim I bring it up and I genuinely in the moment believe that Tim

would have said it That's not in dispute So I think it was fine to say you said it I think it was fine to say that I once saw you karate chopper pop it off and say shall I be mother? Pop it Here's the question Tim

Since the podcast Do you want me to help Cindy? Pass it here I can sort this No, I'm not going to do that Pass it here You stake papa off an Indian woman and say shall I help

I'm not colonising you You come here I promise I'm not colonising you What I'm doing is I'm just saying shall I be mother Shall I be mother? Just so everyone knows In 1757

when the British showed up they were not colonising you and then they did that That's what happened Is it 57? 1757 battle of classy That's when it started I believe they said shall I be mother

Wow 3 minutes to 6 There was a lot of chat about your favourite Indian restaurant And you would not reveal the name on the podcast If you announce it here tonight we will bleep it on the actual podcast

But these people will hear it Will you reveal? We're definitely going to bleep it We'll bleep it on the actual podcast These guys can go It's a mere 2,500 people They're not all going to go We're going to get the name out there

I like going to this place It's really busy You can't just invite 18,000 people Have you been to this place? You've not told me the name of it And you're going to bleep it? We'll bleep it

It's an Indian restaurant and it's the best Indian restaurant in London and sometimes they have a sitar player It's fantastic It's alright It's 18,999 now It's fantastic The guy who runs it is phenomenal

It always gets us in there If you are going to go Go But go You know, gently You can't say a restaurant is fantastic because the owner always gets you in there That's the basics of a restaurant

I think Do you want to know it or not? Yes Fuck off Fuck off, Tim Don't do this to me I know what it is Just whisper to each other now

He knows I just told him to nod I did not I did my acting Have you been in any fun lifts lately, Tim? Yeah Tim came on the podcast What was it called?

What was the lift? Here we go In Sheffield In Sheffield Fucking finally Telling these guys These twats don't have a fucking clue I've seen it

Have you ever seen anyone pull a neck or a lot of a JoJo Mamma Bebe bag? Have you been on it? 100% And it's so dangerous Because there's no mechanism There's no emergency stop

So if you happen to have very long legs Big happen And one leg goes on and keeps going up It can be broken between the wall and the lift It can and it will There's lots of good men on that lift Awesome to explain it to you Sorry, is this an elevator?

Why are your legs going up and down? That's only half the story Why are your legs going up and down? There's a lift and you put one leg You are too slow to move it You might say there's a lift and put one leg What are you doing? You have to step into it

Just in case anyone was the definition of optimism Benito just appeared at the door and said there's five minutes left Is this a lift in a building? Always in a building So this is a lift Fair enough So this is

This is a lift in a building in Sheffield Somehow to organize yourself to get inside you need to use your leg You were the phrase that Amunia didn't use was step into the lift So you need to step into the lift Most journeys start with a single step

Dude, I get that But why do your long legs matter? Why do your long legs matter? This is a lift that is two sort of cubicles elevators constantly rotating on a belt system Oh, thank you

And you need to step in at the right point when it goes past your floor and get off at the right point And the reason it's more easy to talk people is as a short person, if my leg goes in first generally there's not enough of it so my whole body goes in with it as a tall person, fragments of your leg can go in first

Fragments of my fucking legs I have extremely long legs and I have never put fragments of my leg into anything You know Cindy's body follows her legs Yeah, exactly Yeah, but your whole leg went ahead of you Yeah, because I was doing an impression of the exact thing you're not talking about

Anyway, I've been in it and survived so you can't tell me how to survive it Dude, you survived nuts with a nut allergy You're amazing And may I ask you a question, Amunia? Yeah In your

Paternoster career Why were you there by the way? Did you study in Sheffield? I studied psychology What? Psychology Psychology Would you major in yourself? You're like a Batman villain

who took on too much of his patience I think you're a really nice chat show host Yeah, thank you Were you in the art style then? All the time That was my thrills When you're a student and you're broke you need to talk about struggle meals There were days I was going back

I remember I told you I had a porridge with thimpto Sorry, thanks for leaning around Tim's fully turned his back to me even though I'm one of the hosts Anyway I've been in that lift because it's an easy thrill Yeah, it's a lovely thrill It's an easy thrill It's an easy thrill if your legs don't follow your body

and fragments of them have to follow away and if you're short you go ahead first Yes It's an easy thrill if you can get all of the fragments on Exactly It's an easy thrill if you're a slinky I don't know What happened if you put a slinky on a Paternoster?

What would happen if you put a massive slinky? This is the Christmas dinner party off menu and it really now feels like the end of an actual Christmas dinner party Except for the fact that two and a half thousand people sat in front of us and we were all going But

I guess my problem with that Ed I don't think I would usually use the term Christmas dinner party No, it's Christmas day and you have Christmas dinner We don't have a Christmas dinner party Fair enough

But we're not going to say this is Christmas day, are we? What? Now, money out Fuck it now You're joking When you were in your career on the Paternoster lift Did you ever go

over the top and come back down? You know what, I never had the courage Because What holds you when you're going over the hump? What? Fucking gravity when you're walking over a fucking hill

when you're in a plane What do you mean, what holds you? You know what I'm saying, though It's not Willy Wonka, mate This host Paternoscler Scum What holds you when you're going over the top, Tim, do you know?

I think there might be grain of truth and gravity Did you do it? Just the twice How'd it feel? Dicey Tim, we got your present but I don't know

how it's going to feel Now, Tim, I'll be honest I feel slightly heartbroken by this present We are so excited, you ready? Yep, there you go Shall I have him, other? We didn't know you were going to bring your own Damn, mate

Here we go, you might want to shield your eyes in the front You're not wearing glasses To signify the first ever paparro bread Here we go Oh, lovely, do you want to say it? Paparro bread! Shall I have your mother? Fucking hell

Tim, integrated it Look at that Honestly, are you the Incredible Hulk? That is fucking insane Turn it to dust Thank God we rented these four carpets

because the poor hay duggy sack would be ruined That is incredible Absolutely You saw how Fucking hell, man One step away from being a smoothie Well, what I did was

I did it at home made them into crumbs and then so they were ready to go No, you didn't Indian moms, Indian dogs and Tim, they don't fuck around That's what it is Well, that feels

like an appropriate place to end the dinner party Thank you so much for coming to this, the longest dinner party You've been an absolutely incredible audience Thank you so much Let's hear it again for Tim Key Munya Chihuahua Sindhuvi

and Ed Campbell James A. Kastler You get a white retching Who would like that? There we go We'll need that glass back The great one who needs to bring some from home Thank you very much, have an amazing Christmas Thank you so much, can you?

Well, there we are The off-menu Christmas dinner party live recorded at the Southbank Centre Thanks for listening, thanks for coming Best of the Year is on its way Best of the Year episodes coming very soon Have some nice food at Christmas

Yes, we're recording this outro live right now Ed and I are in our different families Christmas homes It's all for this ruining the Christmas dinner People are very angry with me Yeah, they hate it Bye! Goodbye

Chris Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale You might remember me from the best ever episode of off-menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since

and I'm joined by... Me, Ian Smith I would probably go bread I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on James and Ed but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing It's called Northern News

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners We've been living in London for a long time The new stories are funny Quite a lot of them crimes It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News

we'd love you to listen to Maybe we'll get my mum on Get Glendale's mum on every episode That's Northern News When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening There's probably a backlog you've left it so late