Off The Telly - “I tried Xander Armstrong’s Victoria sponge”

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Natalie Cassidy and Joanna Page chat about all things on and off the telly. This week Nat and Jo catch up about Nat’s time on Bake Off: Extra Slice, plus they discuss why The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives wasn’t for them and how much they love Alma’s Not Normal.What they can’t stop watching, what they definitely aren’t going to bother with, new releases and comforting classics – TV is timeless and no telly is out of bounds. As well as having a natter about what’s on TV, they share backstage goss from the world of telly, whilst also cracking up about the more humbling moments in their lives. Self-confessed TV addicts and stars of two of the biggest shows on our screens, EastEnders and Gavin and Stacey, Natalie and Joanna are the perfect companions to see what’s occurring on and off the telly. Timecodes for shows discussed this week are:20:26 - The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (Disney Plus) 30:22 - Alma’s Not Normal (BBC iPlayer)Get in touch by sending us a message or voice note via WhatsApp to 03306 784704.Hosts: Natalie Cassidy and Joanna Page Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Commissioning Editor: Rhian Roberts Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sounds Editor: Arlie Adlington Music by MCassoOff The Telly is a BBC Studios Audio Production for BBC Sounds.

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Please be reminded there could be a little bit of effing and blinding in this episode, but that's just the way we are. Thank you. Hello and welcome to Off The Tally. I'm Jo. And I'm Nat. How are you, darling? I'm very well, thanks, but I'm still all bunged up with this flipping cold. It's never ending for you. Except I did now for about, well, three weeks, two weeks or something like that.

I know, but don't you think everybody's ill? Oh, God, everybody is. But you know what? I don't know whether or not to go into a chemist and get my flu jab done. Oh. I don't know or not because I've had it done. I've not had it done this year. I don't know what to do.

I've done the same. If it's been convenient and I can fit it in i have done it before yeah but i feel like if i'm gonna get old at christmas time i kind of do anyway and with covid flying around all the time i think the best thing to do is not go to parties oh my god that's so depressing so bad but not last year honestly it's christ, I know, but last year I went to a Christmas party and was laid up. A week later, definitely probably COVID, I couldn't move. And I missed out on Lapland with the kids. No way, are you serious?

Yeah. Oh, that's awful. It was awful, I couldn't move. Did they go without you? Yeah, we moved Mark. Oh, God, that's awful. So now it all sounds great oh christmas party but it is germ central well we did the same last year i think it was on christmas

eve or a couple of days before christmas eve we went to the local pub and it was rammed and we all went to sing carol songs christmas carols but it was really good though it was amazing it was really good beau was just freaking out all the way through so it was really good though it was amazing it was really good Bo was just freaking out all the way through so it was really quite like with a whole underlying thing of stress all of course yeah but it was really nice but it was packed in there and then we left and then boom on Christmas day Bo came down really really ill and then on Boxing Day actually we were in hospital well there you go and she had what's it called the thing beginning with R so it wasn't um she had they thought it was going to be bronchitis but it was that thing rsv it was rsv which they're now doing injections and stuff

for these days that sounds like a car is it yeah it does it does but it's not a car it's just respiratory virus it's so bad really really bad for the elderly and really bad for young children and my god she was terrible And we got that from there. Yeah. So I'm sorry. So this doesn't clear up my whole thing of should I go and get a flu jab or not? It's up to you. I know, but I can't make decisions.

I'd like someone to tell me. Yeah, go on. Okay, I'll do it then. Just get it done. Now you've told me I get it done. Yeah, do it. I'm probably not going to get mine. Are you not?

Well, just because I don't know if I've got time to do so. Anyway, moving on. So how did it go on the Bake Off this week? You went on to have a chat with them all. It was really lovely. Really, really good. What a lovely show. I just sat there and I thought I could do this every week.

Oh, my God, yes. It's a very long record. Is it? How long? Well, it's a 45-minute, I think, or an hour show. And this is the spin-off. It's a Bake Off an extra slice yeah but I just think it's absolutely brilliant casting because Jo Brown presents it and Tom Allen

oh love the pair of them and honestly what a pairing just absolutely brilliant she's as dry as a bone what did you do when you went on and did you get to eat lots of cakes and I was on with Zonda Armstrong from Pointless who is a a lovely guy. I think I did Sunday brunch with him years ago as well. Such a gent and very professional and super intelligent. So I went on with him. And AJ Adu Du, who's absolutely gorgeous. She's gorgeous. Yeah, she is.

Her body is unbelievable. I couldn't stop looking at her. She just looks amazing, doesn't she? Amazing. I remember when Big Brother was on last time, and I think she was wearing this red catsuit. My God, she looked incredible. Incredible, but really lovely, really friendly.

So it was us sat round the table chatting about, you know what I love? When I think about the editors of those shows where they pick out five seconds of something, which is funny. They must have to sit and sift through so many hours to get out the golden bits, you know, which I really appreciate. But Jo was just really, really funny.

Like I say, dries a bone. And Tom's just brilliant. And you've got all of the audience are all sat around and they've baked stuff. Yes. Was their stuff good? I didn't try theirs. I tried Xander Armstrong's Victoria

Sponge. Oh my God, what was it like? Well, it was very nice. Was it classy? It was sunken in the middle, Jo. Was it really? It was. I wouldn't have expected that from him. I would have expected him to turn up and it would have been sort of light, airy with a touch of class. It was very nice to taste, but he'd not made his own butter

cream. He had spread in clotted cream. What? Yeah. That's just, no wonder it was sunken, because wouldn't that be really heavy in the middle? I'm not going to say a word, because I didn't bake my own cake. So I'm not going to have a go at Zander.

Because it tasted lovely, and at least he had a go. Yeah. I said to Mark, I'm far too busy. They've asked me to bake a cake. Yeah. I said to Mark, I'm far too busy. They've asked me to bake a cake. What am I going to do? And he said, I'll bake. Well, I said to him, please, could you bake me a cake? Has he baked a cake before?

Oh, yeah, he bakes a marmalade cake all the time. Does he? Yeah. Oh, my God, that's amazing. All the time. So he baked me one of his cakes and I took it on. So on the screen, you've got Tom Allen saying, Mark's marmalade cake's nice. And AJ's going, I've never had marmalade cake.

It's great. And it was Mark's birthday yesterday. So we watched it last night and I said, look, this is nice because it's your birthday and you're being mentioned on the extra slice. Oh my God, that's lovely. So that was all good. But it was a lovely show to do.

Really lovely. Was it nice to see Jo? Because have you seen her since we chatted about her on this? No, I haven't. And it was really nice. I kind of, yeah, it was really nice to see her. Yeah. She's just such fun.

She's so good at what she does. It must be so lovely working on that because it just feels, when you watch it, it just feels so feel good and so lovely. I am completely and utterly now up to date with the Bake Off. Me and the kids are sitting down and we're watching it. It's been really good, hasn't it? Oh, my God. What did you think about the whole thing with Andy?

Don't use toffee to balance stuff on it. I mean, good God, what was the man thinking? Did you see? So we had the curved bit there. And then it was kind of like he sabotaged it himself. The kids got fed up, right, because I rewound it about nine times because I just couldn't stop watching. When he went to balance the flat bit of toffee on there

and it sort of went to sort of go like that and it's kind of like he just went like that. I couldn't stop watching. When he went to balance the flat bit of toffee on there and it sort of went to sort of go like that and it's kind of like he just went like that and just, I couldn't believe it. It couldn't have gone any worse, could it? He was really emotional, you know, about the toffee. Yes. Because he said on the show, you know, he said, you know, it was my nan's recipe.

And he was getting quite emotional about it. Yeah. I felt like saying, it's only toffee, Andy, chill out. I know. But they do get very, you know, very serious about it. I think when you're there and when you're in it and you've invested so much. Definitely. It's just like, oh my.

And can you imagine being in the moment when you haven't got enough time? There's not enough time to cool stuff down. You're just like, when you're there and, you know, doing it. I know. Oh my God, it must be so flipping hard. Yeah. Yeah. But he was a lovely man.

So that was really good. And no, yeah, it was Saturday. So yeah, it was good. I had a a lovely man so that was really good and no yeah it was saturday so yeah it was good i had a chicken ramen so that was nice um yeah and that was it really i imagine you didn't eat that in the living room did you no i had it in the dressing room oh because i was there saturday doing right i thought you were being back home yeah i wouldn't have a ramen in the living room you never ever have that in the living room. Do you know, right, do you know what we did last night? Go on. We sat in our living room and it's got a cream carpet

and I let James bring in, we all had trays on our laps and we had a huge big bowl of tomato soup, red tomato soup and toast. And as it was all coming in and Kit, right, he's already broken his finger on the first day of um half term he went to soft play as soon as he got in through the door he went down a slide bent it all the way back broke his finger so he was in a and e that night and he's so clumsy anyway that he's already broken his collarbone and his wrist and now his finger and he was sitting there

with the tray and as he was moving he he wasn't even holding onto it or anything. Don't tell me it went over. It didn't go over because I was there. I was like on it, like a blinking sniffer dog, pouncing. I was just like, watch the tray, watch the soup. And then I watched everybody like I was a guard until we'd all finished our soup

and then I was like, right, everybody up at the same time, walk towards the door, out to the kitchen, get the soup out of the living room. Wouldn't it be easier to sit at the kitchen table? Wouldn't it be easier just to eat the soup and then go in the lounge? It would have, but we were watching the second series of The Traitors, US. Oh, how's that going?

It's really good. So we're on about episode... I fell asleep halfway through some of them. So we've got about episode five or something now. I dozed off for a bit and then I woke up and I didn't know where I was. But it's good. It's good. I'm enjoying it.

And a dog has been cast in it. Alan has got a dog. I think it's his own dog, but he's got a dog and the dog is wearing a cape, a cloak in the beginning. Which was really sweet. What sort of breed dog is it?

Do we know? It looked a bit like a cocker spaniel but with longer fur. But I like that. I can see that sort of style dog with a cape on. Yeah, and it was really sweet. If you would have said to me, a whippet, I would have gone, it's not going to suit a whippet.

A cape's not going to suit a whippet. No, it's not, is it? No. I wouldn't have taken that seriously, but you've made me think about that and it's true. A whippet is what it's meant. But the bodiness of the hair. I can imagine.

Of the ears. Yes. And the cape. I can see it. the ears. Yes. And the cape. I can see it. Yeah. An Alsatian wouldn't suit a cape. No, because I think the fur would be too thick then, wouldn't it? A poodle could carry off a cape.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. A Shih Tzu would look ridiculous in a cape. Yes. Too small. Yeah, far too small. I think Alan's dog was just the right kind.

And I like to think that it is Alan's dog. And she's wonderful all the way through. She's in a basket or she's sitting on the chair next to him. That's good. Really good. I love that. Lovely added addition. So I'm really enjoying that.

Oh, that's great. It's good. Yeah. Trying to think what else I've watched this week, which has been good. I've been putting on a lot of the Food Network. I know I'm so boring in bed but i like that michael go what should we are we ready to watch that no i'll tell you what's happened yeah say it's half nine yeah and he goes should we go up to bed now and we'll watch

something and i go yeah all right then so then it's 10 o'clock because it's half hour turn the lights off fiddling around, whatever, up to bed. And then the pair of us are terrible. We're both on our phones for like 45 minutes. Oh, my God, yes. And it's not even, but I can see I'll be looking at an email and then I'll pop onto Instagram. Yeah, and then you're lost then.

That's it, you're gone. And then I'll do something else and then I'll turn around and then I'll go, oh, you're still on your phone. I've sort of finished doing what I want to do. And I go, well, you're just on your phone. And he goes, all right, well, I'm ready to watch something. I go, we can't watch something now. It's quarter to 11 now.

Yes. Can't watch something now. I mean, it's exactly the same. Like, I will be there and I will have done stuff on my phone and then I'll put it down and then I'll be like, oh, you're still on your phone. For goodness sake, can't you put it away? Well, I have mentioned and we've both said we're going to try leaving phones downstairs.

Oh, my God. That's very good. I just need to get an alarm clock. Yes, you've got to get an alarm clock. Because the thing is, they've wrapped it all up in one, haven't they? We've got the alarm clock. We've got everything on it. So we have to take it upstairs with us.

Yeah. So I really want to do that because it is affecting television watching in bed yes so should we have a little listen yes to what our listeners are saying you have a little peep into that yeah let's have a voice note uh we have got a voice note here from lisa about our costumes bonus ep let's have a listen to this hello ladies um lisa here from kent thank you for your podcast it's amazing um i've watched so many amazing programs and a few that i didn't think i'd like and probably didn't like but um it's been brilliant um i wanted to just say thank you for reminding me about the House of Elliot in your episode a few weeks ago.

I loved those sisters and the fashion and the hats and the hair and the thing. So nostalgic. And just I remember loving them and wanting to be them when I was like 12. Also, I wanted to vote for my TV hero. I know you did the episode and I listened to it today. I wanted to vote for Sarah Lancashire in Happy Valley. She is awesome as Catherine, the sergeant, and she's just courageous and brave and ballsy and just such a lovely character. and i'd want her to be my police officer sergeant in my town so yeah that's what i'd like to vote for i think she's wonderful sarah lancashire um so thanks ever so much take care girls bye oh that was really nice thank you lisa you remember when it first came out everybody thought it was bloody brilliant. It was brilliant, wasn't it? Oh, God.

Brilliant. So good. Well, we've got another message, and it's one for you, Nat, about Michael French coming back to EastEnders. So, one of our listeners has said, Hi, Natalie. It was so nice to hear your memories of Michael French. Many years ago, he came to an audition.

He was in a blind panic. He had been splattered by the biggest pigeon, bleep, but I will just say shit, I've ever seen. I sent him off to get cleaned up and found him a brand new white shirt in wardrobe. Once he'd calmed down, he did his auditions and he landed the role of Tony in West Side Story in the West End. He was very young and was a great company member and leading man. Fond memories of all the fun we had. Love the pod. It is a few ladies are sat on my sofa having a chinwag with a nice pot of tea.

Long may you pod. Oh, that's really lovely. I can imagine him being in a two and eight about that. Oh, God, yeah. You know, once, right, I was doing this thing and it was going on bbc news can't remember what it was about but i was in a theater and i and i'd taken time and i had to just do a piece to camera and i had a white t-shirt on and i popped out uh before it was going to go on live and i met james and we went to a little cafe and i remember we had fish and chips together and we were sitting opposite each other on this really small table and there was a sachet of tomato ketchup

and he went like that to like squeeze it and he squeezed it and it burst and it went all over my top. I was absolutely livid. I was absolutely furious. I don't think I even finished my food. I shouted at him and then I walked out and went and got myself another T-shirt. Oh no.

Yeah. These things do happen though, don't they? Yeah. Joanie likes to just wipe her hands down all of her clothes. Oh, my God. She never uses a napkin. Yeah. Ever.

Yeah. Doesn't matter what's on there. Straight down the new clothes. Jeans, grease. Oh, my God. Yeah. She's like an animal. Yeah.

And you think, oh, right, okay, well, is it? Because Bo's exactly the same. She'll just, like, be, like, straight. And I'm trying to teach her everything. But it's, like, it doesn't make any difference. Joanie's eight now. I don't know what to do. And do you know what Bo starts doing, which annoys me?

She's cleaning her teeth, right? So we're doing all of that. And in the beginning, she used to, like, get in down and then get in the towel and, like, wiping her mouth. But her favourite thing now is to in the beginning, she used to like getting down and then getting the towel and like wiping her mouth. But her favourite thing now is to clean the teeth and she's got it to the brist everywhere. She likes to just go like that with her mouth and with her hand and arm all over there.

And she smears it all up here. And I'm just kind of like, oh God. And then you just give up for a bit. It's funny, isn't it? Weird. Yeah. Maybe we are just supposed to be like that. Maybe we are supposed to be more like animals. Well, we are mammals, aren't we? Yeah. and we shouldn't bother with all of that stuff like napkins

just makes you look bad though doesn't it when they're permanently covered in stains yeah about how many times do you have to change her clothes a day well i don't anymore yeah i don't because i'm not going through six outfits i I'm not doing it. I'm not washing it. Yeah. So yesterday before we went out for Mark's birthday meal, she put on a new top. She ate something and just picked the top up and just wiped her. Oh, my God.

And I said, well, just leave me. And she went, oh, no. And I said, no, you're not changing. You come out like that now. Yeah. That's it. I'm not doing it. Yeah.

Because it's more work for me. Yeah. So I don't care if she looks like a tramp anymore. Yeah. Oh, my God. I've shrunk all of the boys' trainers. All of the boys' trainers. I put them in because, my God.

I think it's because they're getting older. But all of the shells that we've got, right, that all of the kids' shoes go in. Well, you go in there and it stinks. It stinks like a men's locker room not that i've actually ever been into a men's locker room but in my in my head that's what it smells like yeah that's what it smells like oh my god i think it's because they've reached the age of like seven and nine and your sandals are not in there are they my sandals i've gone in there no my sandals are upstairs now in the bedroom like my slippers i've not i've not i've not put

them up in the loft now. I've taken them back down and they're now my slippers. I just couldn't let them go. So they're just now, I'm using them as Christmas slippers, even though they're Teva sandals. But it stinks. So I took all of the boys' trainers. I thought, right, this is ridiculous.

You can wash trainers, can't you? Yes. So I opened the washing machine, chucked them all in. Pillow case? Did you put them in the pillow case? No, of course I didn't. I just chucked them all in. Pillow case? Did you put them in the pillow case? No, of course I didn't. I just chucked them all in loose and stupidly, I thought,

put them on the highest temperature. So I put them on about 90 or something. Well, they've all come out now. 90? Yeah, and they're all bent like that. They're all bent upwards like that. I'm not surprised at 90 degrees. Well, I didn't think that they'd shrink.

I was kind of like, well, I'll put them on so it's a real hot wash. Then I'll put them in the tumble dryer with some scented sachets. They would have been fine on a 40. Even a 30 would have done them. Well, they haven't got any trainers anymore now.

But you put them in a net or a pillowcase. Why? Well, it stops the drum from being damaged. Right. The noise of it. I don't really know. I think that was it. Well, I've messed up because I put them in too flipping high.

Yeah, that is too high. But I thought, my God, they need something. We can't carry on like this. It was, it smelled like a cat had weed in them. And I don't own a cat. Maybe just give them to the charity shop. But if they're clean now. They're clean now.

Someone will fit into them. Someone will. So just take them and then just get them. A toddler would fit into them now. Well, there you go. Yeah. But we've got to buy all new trainers for them now. I can go get a bog off, buy one, get one free somewhere.

Yeah. I don't get them fancy trainers. No, there's no point. No point. It's still growing. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, we've got another listener who is answering our question

about what we can watch with our kids that's age appropriate. Well, I won't listen to it, but never mind, yeah. Just listen to it. My little programme that I love to watch with my children snuggled up on the sofa is from a few years ago. It's The Wurzel Gummidge with Mackenzie Crook in it. And he's the scarecrow. And I think he writes it as well.

Costumes are great. And it's lovely and gentle. The music's beautiful. And we've watched it on repeat over and over again but it's a really nice snuggle up on the sofa with the family lovely thing to watch um keep up the show ladies bye bye oh what a lovely message that is brilliant did you see any of the um sounds like a good one it is good i saw a bit of it, but oh my God. Mackenzie Croc, isn't it? Yeah.

His face, he looks really scary in it, actually. Because I think I'm thinking about John Pertwee being, you know, Wurzelgumage and he was so sweet and he looked sweet. But yeah,

Mackenzie Croc looks really quite scary. Oh no, I'd like to look at that. Joanie might like that with me. I bet she would. Yeah. Eliza wouldn't. No, God no. She'd be well over that now.

That's so boring. Do you know what? I'm quite surprised that Eliza didn't make the cake for the bake-off when you went on. I gave her. No, she should have. She should have. Yeah, no, that's true. She should have.

But she didn't. Yeah. No. So, what have we been watching this week then? Oh, we've been watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Easy for me to say, and a little bit of Alma's Not Normal. What shall we start with? What do you fancy? Oh, let's start with The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Okay.

I don't know what's happened to James, but last night we were sitting on the sofa and we'd managed to get all the family in and we were all on the sofa and everything was going all right. They'd come in from soft play and they were tired. And then James sat down next to me and said, right, well, what can we watch? What are were all on the sofa and everything was going all right they'd come in from soft play and they were tired and then james sat down next to me and said right well what can we watch what are you doing on the pod is there anything that we can watch together and i was like oh my god this never happens and also no there isn't anything really suitable that we can watch together check on the secret lives of mormon wives for the kids i like that i think they'd love that i think that james would certainly have his eyes open with the vaginoplasty, vaginoblasty, vagino, vagino something. I think he'd certainly be shocked by that. I didn't even get that far.

Vagino shite, is what I'd like to call it. Well, do you know what you'll be surprised about, right, is the fact that I'm with you 100% on this. Are you? Yes. Good. So this week we watched The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which I'm sorry, have been bigged up to high heaven on how amazing it was supposed to be. Can I just say, I genuinely, maybe I'm naive, I really was excited thinking I was going to learn about the Mormon religion. Are you serious?

I had no idea what it was. I didn't know it was that kind of reality. I had no idea. Yeah. And I thought, this is going to be a documentary. Yeah. And I'm going to learn from it and I'm going to really enjoy it. Yeah. And then I turned it on and it was kind of, you know, made in Chelsea but with Mormon wives. I was thinking that it was going to be some sort of like documentary because I'd heard about what had happened with him swinging and all of that I hadn't heard any of that well I'd heard about

all of it so I knew what had gone on and I thought all right we're going to get a documentary here and the wives are going to be talking and stuff but we are going to get like the nitty-gritty about what went on and what happened and I've all right so bear in mind I've only watched the first episode which I have now been told was the pilot and people are telling me oh it gets better the more that you watch it and whatever no Jo I watched 10 minutes of it sorry listeners I haven't got time I'm not wasting my only seen 10 minutes I'm not wasting my life watching that I'm sorry and I fast-forwarded it yeah and I watched a bit and then I fast-forwarded it a bit and I thought I'll have a little look at what's going on here and then I fast-forwarded it again I put it on

episode two and I thought let me watch a bit of that and I thought I can't do this well I can't do it I wasn't expecting it to be like the um you know the housewives of like Beverly Hills and stuff which I've watched all of that right and I've loved it and I used to love you know Made in Chelsea I've watched Howie and I've loved all of those things right so it's like right up my street but I started watching it and I was kind of like well this isn't what I was expecting and also it just felt so false I mean like with Made in Chelsea I know they're all false I know they're all set up

and that they go right you're going to meet in the pub now have a chat about what you like in a boyfriend and someone's going to come in I know it's all set up but this seemed majorly set up I agree with you it seems so false

I'm not interested in them. I don't think any of them are interesting at all. I just thought, oh, not for me. I just thought, how have the mums got time to all be doing their TikTok stuff and working out their dance routines and stuff? I mean, Jesus Christ. What do you think?

They've all got, like, small kids. How the hell have they got time to do that? And you know what, right? I genuinely would have been interested. And, OK, right, all got, like, small kids. How the hell have they got time to do that? And you know what, right? I genuinely would have been interested. And, okay, right, maybe listeners, right, if I watched more of it, because I've got a mate and she's well into it and she absolutely loves it. And this is the sort of thing, right,

that I would love to normally watch. I thought you'd be loving it, yeah. So I think, right, I am going to dip back in and I am going to watch episode two. Because my mate Rebecca, right, she said, oh, you've only seen the pilot episode. You've got to start, you know, on episode two because that's when it then properly

starts. You've watched the pilot and then boom, episode two is now when it starts. What I just thought was that, oh my God, this is just like so weirdly false. Yeah, really boring. It's not shocking at all. No, it's not. Also, what do you think people of Mormon religion,

I know they are Mormon wives, but maybe the stricter kind, I suppose. What do you think they think of the programme? I mean, well, I bet they don't even watch it, to be honest. They probably won't even, I don't know, will they have heard of it? I would imagine so. I mean, if you are like a proper Mormon, then maybe, you know, you won't even have heard of it or you won't even, I don't know.

But mind you, you find that with lots of stuff, don't you? That in these nice little villages in the Cotswolds and all of this sort of stuff, there's a hell of a load of swinging and all stuff going on that's underneath. So it's not actually that shocking, to be honest, is it? No, no, there's a lot of debauchery going around town. Yeah, there is. Yeah. It didn't have the same thrill as watching Housewives of Beverly Hills or, you know, Sailing Sunset

and all of those ones that I've loved. It just didn't have the same pull as that. No, fair enough. But if you fancy it, everybody, please, we might be completely wrong. Yeah. So have a go if you fancy it. Well, I tell you what,

in a couple of weeks, I'll be able to tell you because I'm going to dip into episode two and I'm going to see if it turns because from my friends telling me, they say it is brilliant. Okay. Well, good luck to you. I'm not wasting my time. Just not our cup of tea. I'll fill you in

and I'll let you know what happens with the reveal. Apparently, the girl who reveals the new vagina she's had is only about 23. Yeah, it's a funny one, isn't it, that? It is, isn't it? Yeah, I think I'd rather spend my money on another part of my body. Which one? Which part? Well, I don't know. It's just, I don't think i'd rather spend my money on another part of my body which one which part well i don't know just i don't think i'd choose no i wouldn't yeah no i wouldn't have that done i'd rather have

a new year piercing or i'd rather actually just go down to the supermarket and do a shop and go there we go the fridge is full yeah you got food in now for the next couple of weeks yeah or buy myself a new coat yeah a winter coat do some baking just go oh kids come on let's do bake some cookies together i i like genuinely i'd like to have a full fridge i go right i don't want the vagina blasty or whatever i've had done no i'd like to have a full fridge i reckon you could spend the money i reckon you could fill up quite a few fridges with the money that i'd cost yeah you could because i mean it would be a couple of grand, wouldn't it? It's got to be more than that, isn't it?

Well, I don't know. I was thinking, right, my first thought was 1,200. Why? I don't know. It's just what came to mind, right? But surely, if you were going to get that done, would it be more than £5,000? Would it be going up to £10,000? I think so.

Would it be in the double figures? I reckon you've got to be looking at £8,000. Well, yeah, £8,000. I'd say about £8,000, yeah. And you can watch The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Disney+. Your giant spiderwe web outside your house that looked really really good that is called margo it's really good yeah it was brilliant have you put done loads of decor anymore halloween decorations you've been decorated for the whole

bloody month have you we've got this thing in a cage which is when you walk into the hall we've got um in the kitchen all up on the windows and the doors skeletons great i've done nothing yeah yet i haven't got the boxes out i said i was doing it last weekend and haven't but i will because i have got family coming over oh yeah on thursday to do some trick-or-treating and i'm gonna just put some scary music on in the kitchen and do a bit of party food, that sort of thing, just for close family. We've been decorated for the whole month,

but they haven't sorted out their costumes yet. I saw. What? You've probably seen it and it's probably nothing new, but you just see something online and think, oh, I want to do that. I won't do it because I'm a wine snob and I don't like to buy wine out of a plastic pouch however if you're not too fussed someone carves a pumpkin so you carve it all out and then you put a little hole

at the bottom of the pumpkin yeah you know you can get those plastic pouches of wine yes goes through put it on a little stand oh I love it love it. I love it. But it looks really good. That's my cup of tea. I think that sounds good. Yeah. That's really good. Just a shame you can't really get Sancerre out of a pouch. Well, what can you get out of a pouch?

Because I'm not up on my wine. I like a Malbec. No, I like a Malbec. But I'm not up on my wine or anything. Can you get a Malbec in a pouch? Possibly. I'm not sure. And can I put it in a pumpkin?

I've only ever seen pouch wines and not to my palate. But I can be a bit of a wine snob. I like rosé that is so, so, so, so sweet, right? That I went to my friend's party once and we all brought a bottle. And so I put my bottle down. What colour is it? It's pink. Oh, my God.

It's like really sugary pink. But really bright pink, dark pink. No, not dark pink. Like a real, it's like really sugary pink but really bright pink dark pink no not dark pink like a real real like a sugary candy pink right not like not like a really really light pink no not a whispering angel oh god no like a real sugary dessert wine pink right so much so that i'd already had some and the bottle was there and then i was drinking something that somebody else had brought and then this man came on I was chatting to him and he went, oh, good God, look at this. My God, it's like a dessert wine. Who the hell has brought this?

And I was so embarrassed. I went, I don't know. And it was mine. I'd already drunk half of it and then I was on to somebody else's. Brilliant. Oh, dear. But yeah, I bet I could get stuff out of a pouch. But actually, you'd want to have a good red wine, wouldn't you?

Like it was blood coming out. Yeah, that would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. But it was just really good. You know, it was a good idea. And I might do one. Yeah. I don't know, maybe put something out, like a fruit punch.

Because I'm thinking you can buy on Amazon empty pouches. Yes. And then you could fill it for the kids. It would be nice. You know what I mean? Yes. But I would like to do that for Thursday. Are you going to dress up?

Are you going to go in a costume? I've got a black dress. It doesn't, you know. I might do black dress, bit of blood or whatever. Yes. People really like vampires, so that's fine. I don't know what I'm going to dress up in. I think I might dress up as a zombie who's in a tracksuit and trainers.

So basically I can back home my hair, put stuff on my face. Yeah. And then just wear a tracksuit and that'll be it. Yeah. And then I'll be warm and comfortable. Yeah basically I can back comb my hair, put stuff on my face and then just wear a track suit and that'll be it. Perfect. Yeah, and then I'll be warm and comfortable. Yeah, nice. Yeah.

That sounds good. And I'll just have some blood over my face and then I've just got to dress the rest of them up. I can't believe actually that we've not, well, Eva came down the other day and she was all dressed up, looking really good. Like basically,

like she was going out clubbing at the age of 11 and she said she was a vampire. Did she look like Alma? Which is not normal. Oh, my God. I tell you what, like, Alma, I'm sure, would have the sugary pink, what's it called? Yeah, she wouldn't mind drinking out of her pouch.

Oh, my God, her furry coat. It's brilliant. And how about her little turban? Oh, yes, yes. Her little turban, I love that. Yeah. I think the show is brilliant, do you? Oh, yes, yes. My Little Turban, I love that. Yeah. I think the show is brilliant, do you? Oh, my God.

Well, I've gone in, right, and I've watched season one, episode one. Yeah, yeah. So I've gone right in at the beginning. Bloody hell, it's brilliant. I've gone in at the beginning. I think I'm on three or four now. Yeah. But the more you get into it, and obviously those friendships, the bonds.

Oh, my God. What about when her friends are singing karaoke? I was like, oh, my God, that's so true to life. When she's doing the Spice Girls, and when her friends are singing karaoke? I was like, oh my God, that's so true to life. When she's doing the Spice Girls and then her friends start singing and she's like, you know, and everybody listens up because they think she's really good. Have you seen them have a fight yet in the cafe? No!

They have a fight with a load of raw fish. It's hilarious. Oh my God. It's really good. I mean, there's just points in it. I love the fact that it's a really sad story. Yes. But obviously out of the darkness, she's made this amazing comedy

and she's written this comedy. We're talking about Sophie Willen. Do you know what? I've got a fact for you about Sophie Willen. What? She was Fairy Godmother and I did Christmas Pointless, didn't I, last year. Do you remember? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. She was the amazing Fairy Godmother with the big white dress on. Oh, my God. So we were on Pointless, didn't I, last year? Do you remember? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And she was the amazing fairy godmother with the big white dress on. Oh, my God. So we were on Pointless together. Oh. Well, I think, right, she is absolutely flipping brilliant. Yeah, what a talent.

And you kind of, you take for granted how talented she is because she's really funny, right? And you sort of, and it's just so natural that you kind of take for granted how good a writer she is yeah and it's only when it's like the the bits where you know when she's just upset and she's starting to cry or when she was sitting there she's just going he's having a baby they're going to be a family they're going to be a family and oh my god she gets moments in there which rip your heart out yeah absolutely jesus christ you're an amazing actress and you're

a brilliant writer yeah you're flipping brilliant i think it's fantastic as well because obviously the sex work aside to things oh my god i haven't even got into that yet just when it ended yes wanting to earn the money yes and being you know a working class girl and you know going to visit her grandmother yeah who's obviously her support but then her mum's obviously been a drug addict for a long time yes can i just say siobhan finron i love her so much it's amazing i loved her when she did um she played the sister of in happy valley i just think she's do you know she's one of my favorite actresses but i don't think i've ever seen her like this before when she's playing you you know, the mother. I've always seen her as, you know, when I've seen her in Happy Valley or Rita Sue and Bob 2 or, you know, when she's better.

So I've seen her in loads of stuff and she's just fantastic. But I've never seen her play anybody like this before. And the fact that she's had to have both sets of teeth refitted. And so she's got the brand new teeth. And the fact that she's just kind of oh my god she plays it so well that she's kind of just not really there she's just oh my god i can't even describe how amazing i think she is she's brilliant it's just the way sophie has when i was watching it there's a part that will be coming up for you not a spoiler

and like really but there's just a part where she takes she wants to take her mum her grandma mum's boyfriend out for a posh lunch oh my god she just wants to take them out and have a posh she said i'm just gonna take you somewhere really posh please can we just sit together and have a posh lunch and the mum turns up with a lunch box as a handbag she's got a space sort of puffer coat on turning up in this really posh restaurant. But when you think of writing that, in my head I think, it won't work because it's so mad that I don't think I could write that because it's ridiculous and she's written it and it works.

It actually works. And I just think it's incredible. It's really brilliant. It's layered. You have kind of the stuff about prostitution, sex working, how men take the piss. Yeah. The feminist view of stuff as well.

Then you've got the family and the layers of that. And then just her being goddamn funny. And just her elaborate outfits. And she's just fabulous, as she says all the time. She's just brilliant. And I thought Lorraine Ashbourne was just brilliant as she says all the time brilliant and i thought lorraine ashbourne was just brilliant as the grandmother absolutely brilliant just that she's just so deadpan and so straight wait till you see them all getting on tinder oh my god hilarious grandma gets on tinder

oh my god she's got men coming in and out of the house it's really funny i think it's fantastic i think it's so brilliantly acted, so well written. I absolutely love it. I highly recommend this. Two series, BBC iPlayer, Alma's Not Normal. It's BAFTA winning and I'm bloody pleased it is. It's brilliant. Shall we have a little look at recommendations?

Yes, please. Let's listen to this recommendation from a listener because we do love getting these because it helps us along our way oh it does doesn't it yeah hi ladies uh just to let you know new series of the cleaner is starting and i'm very excited about this i don't know if you've seen it before um It's taken from a German TV show and it's hilarious. Greg Davis is in it. He is the cleaner after crime scenes. And it's sort of what happens when he goes and visits these people. Loads of celebrities in it, sort of guest starring. So I'm really looking forward to this new series because it has been fantastic um if you haven't seen it you need to and i'm sure there's loads of other listeners out there

who would also who are also recommending this take care bye what well what i don't want to watch it why because i had an email a little while ago a few months ago about the cleaner oh, can we do an availability check? Yes. To see if, for the cleaner, there's a guest role. And it all went away. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, can't you get back in touch?

Because if there was an availability check, can't you? Yeah. I think you went for someone else. You're not going to watch it now? I'd like to watch it. Yeah. See all the female characters who I would have been playing. Yeah.

Torture myself. When she first said The Cleaner, I was thinking about that thing. Is it on Netflix? And every time I put the telly on, I keep seeing that thing. And it's a woman and she's lying on her side. And it's either called The Cleaner or The Cleaning Lady. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. So I was thinking she was talking about that at first.

I've never seen The Cleaner, but I've seen clips of it and I love him. My mother, talking of recommendations, my mother-in-law, Mark's mum, who's been over with us, staying with us, she's obsessed with Ludwig. Oh, well, we've got to do that.

Obsessed. She said, you've got to do it. So I think we should yes definitely i would watch anything that anna maxwell martin was in because i adore her i love her i love her absolutely brilliant yeah and david mitchell's great yeah and it looks like it might be a new like jonathan creek type thing and i love that honestly jackie is raving about it that's my mother she's raving about it god right we got mother-in-law. She's raving about it. God, right, we've got to do that. And we've got to do Rivals,

because that's right up my street. I desperately want to do that. It is everywhere. The press it's had. It has been amazing. Yeah. Congratulations. You know Dominic Treadwell-Collins has made that?

He was my old boss at EastEnders. Dominic actually got Sonia back, and Sonia and Tina got together, Tina Carter, and they had a bit of a lesbian romp. And Dominic really was the one who got me back into EastEnders full time. So he's gone off, obviously, and done this amazing, amazing show. So well done to Dominic. Everyone's raving about it. Should we do it next week? I would love to do it, yeah. Yeah. So should we do Ludwig? And Rivals next week. Yeah? Yes. Amazing show. So well done to Dominic. Everyone's raving about it. Should we do it next week? I would love to do it, yeah. Yeah.

So should we do Ludwig? And Rivals next week. Yeah? Yes. Great. Yes. Fantastic. Oh, it's been so good to see you.

You too. But wait there, we've got to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who's answered our call out for voice notes about our favourite spooky stories. Oh, yeah. All of your favourite spooky stories. All of your favourite spooky things. Seeing as it is Halloween season, we're going to drop another one

of our What Shall We Watch bonus eps this Friday, all about your most scary moments from the telly. Well, you know how I'm feeling about this, don't you? Oh, are you not going to watch anything? You haven't got anything to offer

because you don't like anything scary. No, I think I'm going to go down the route for Friday of things that scared me as a child on telly. Yes to offer because you don't like anything scary. No, I think I'm going to go down the route for Friday of things that scared me as a child on telly. So if you don't mind me going down that route and you can do all the spooky stuff. Yeah, but I don't think I've got a load of spooky stuff. I mean, my things

that really got to me and scared me were things when I was little. Save it. Save it for Friday. Also, Halloween on Strictly, what do you think? I think it's great. Yeah. No, I don't. I'm lying to you. Okay. Save it for Friday. Also, Halloween on Strictly. What do you think? I think it's great. Yeah? No, I don't.

I'm lying to you. Okay, tell me what you think. It's just my worst night of Strictly out of the calendar. Do you think it's gimmicky? What do you think? Just a bit gimmicky. I don't think the same sort of horror music each year. Costumes are brilliant.

Makeup, always brilliant. Of course, the teams do amazingly well. Yes. But I just, you know, I feel brilliant. Of course, the teams do amazingly well. Yes. But I just, you know, I feel like it's a week that's a bit wasted. The dances are not as good as they could be. Yes. Just because it is gimmicky. Yes.

I think it's a great show all round, but it's not one of my favourites. Did you do Halloween week when you were on it? No, they didn't do anything like that. Oh, my God, did they not? They didn't do movie week. They didn't do Halloween week. We went to Blackpool and that was it. Wow. God, so you went. We went to Blackpool and that was it. Wow. God,

so you went all the way to Blackpool? I got to Blackpool and then the week after I went out. Oh my God. So I got to five. I was number five. Good God. You were on it for ages. Were you knackered? I loved it. It was brilliant. I wasn't tired. And you were with, what was

his name? Vincennes. Yes. Was he nice? Yeah, brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. They work very, very hard. God, they do, don't they? And all the VTs are fun, you know. So it's good to have on for the kids and what have you. Yes, it is.

Yeah. Is that everything? Oh, no, we've still got to give a phone number out, don't we? I think it's nearly everything. Do keep sending us voice notes on WhatsApp about anything we've discussed on the pod or anything you'd like to say about the telly. The number is 0-3-0-6-7-8-4-7-0-4. Oh, thank you, everybody, for listening.

Thanks so, so much. We love it. We do love it. And we will... Well, you'll hear from us Friday on the bonus. And until next Wednesday. Yeah. Happy telly watching, Jo.

See you later, alligator. See you later, alligator. See you later. Off the Telly is hosted by Natalie Cassidy and Joanna Page. The producer is Georgia Keating. The commissioning editor is Rhian Roberts and it's a BBC Studios audio production for BBC Sounds. Hey, friend, I'm Randy Feltface, the world's most entertaining non-human comedian. And if you like stand-up, sitcom and sketch comedy, you're my kind of person. For a different episode every single week

from a vast range of your favourite comedians and freshest comedy talent, then listen to Comedy of the Week on BBC Sounds from BBC Radio 4. Do it now!