Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Andi Dorfman

Episode Date: November 14, 2017

Season 10's Bachelorette Andi Dorfman welcomes Kaitlyn to New York by giving her tips on how to survive day-to-day around the Big Apple. She also talks about her upcoming sophomore book "Single State of Mind" and her many adventures in the dating scene since her time on the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Okay, everybody, welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. And when thinking of a guest to have on in New York City, obviously Andy Dorfman was top of my list, doi. So not only because you're a former bachelorette, but you're a... I've had a podcast before you, and I already had, like, half a bottle of wine.

You are a successful boss babe Yeah get used to that It's only going to get worse from here I got you tipsy, that's just how I like them You got me at my like really good point to You'll still remember it I'll still remember but I'm like I'll go there I'll go there

You're not blacked out yet Not yet perfect I'm on my way I'm gonna catch up Well I was gonna say and let's be real You're one of my dear friends and we both share the same love for wine We do So, cheers to that. Cheers.

Welcome to New York. Oh, my gosh. Honestly, you're my Welcome to New York podcast. Welcome to New York. Is that a song? Oh, it's been waiting for you at that to New York. What's that Katie Perry? Taylor Swift.

Oh, whoops. Don't get those two mixed up. Right? Start another feud. Awkward. Andy. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Have to ask.

How are you feeling today? I'm feeling splendid. How about yourself? Splendid. Splendid as in I'm not too hungover Okay, so I went last night I went out with my friends

I texted you Of course you didn't want to come But I went to watch You were I went to watch The LSU Alabama game Yes Unbeknownst to me

I went to an Alabama bar Yeah And I went to LSU for undergrad Oh So of course I was cheering for the Tigers And everyone there was cheering for Alabama

I'm like what is I don't know Any sports teams Southern Okay It's college football Okay I went to the school

called LSU. Okay. They were playing our rival school Alabama. Okay. So it's like a big game. Big game.

And I go to the bar and it's an Alabama bar. Oh. So I couldn't really like cheer. So instead of cheering, I just drank. Yeah. But I mean,

I had a relatively like low key night. I ended it with pizza for sure. I started mine with pizza and went to bed. Started and ended in the same slice. Yeah, exactly. Exactly what I did. I always feel bad when I wake up the next morning

and there's just like an empty pizza box. I know. It's like an empty plate. that I got it from because you're so aware at the time that you're like I'm going to regret this when I see this in the morning I'm going to be really mad at myself but it's so good at the time that you're like I got to do it and that's the same thing with the next day that's why I poured you glass wine hair of the dog and a greasy breakfast in my opinion is yeah high risk high reward though you know what I've been on though is I've been on a tequila kick oh I love

and I do not get hung over on tequila me either yeah it's an upper did you know it's the only alcohol that's an upper but so are you I don't know what that means really to be honest. Me either. But it sounds great. It sounds very druggy. Yeah, I'm like, it's an opera. So I'm good.

But I, that's a real thing, though. I think, because you're probably drinking the right tequila. Yeah. It's like 100% agave. I always feel like such a snob when I order tequila now because I love tequila. Yeah. And I love sipping it and I don't feel too drunk and I don't feel too hungover. And I'm always like, can I have 100% agave?

I don't say, do you know the difference? See, I haven't gotten to the level of bouginess that you are with tequila. Like, why? I'll know the difference, but tequila, I don't know yet. See, and I'll drink any kind of wine. So what should I ask for when I get tequila on the rocks with a splash of pineapple? 100% agave. Okay.

Which you're probably drinking, because are you just getting any old tequila? Are you asking, like, I don't know. Oh, wow. Well, guess what? You thought you felt good before. Wait till you order the stuff I'm going to tell you order. Woo! Oh, my gosh.

Also, did you eat a good breakfast this morning? I had a bowl of cereal, and that's why this wine's hit me hard. No, I had my usual breakfast sandwich that I got to live. delivered. Postmates? Well, I do seamless. What's that? It's like postmates, but without, like, the fee. It's a New York thing. Oh. Yeah. And you can set it up automatically. So, like, my breakfast just comes every morning. What? Nothing says anti-wife material. Wait, well, no, because he doesn't have to make you a breakfast sandwich. You'll just have it delivered. Yeah. And that's how it started, actually, is I was, like, seeing this guy. And he had breakfast delivered. I'm like, how lazy do you have to be to get your own breakfast delivered? And you realized how great the convenience of it is. Yep. Every morning. You know what?

Actually, real talk, you convinced me to start doing stuff like that for breakfast. I was like, oh, I'm going to go to Starbucks. You're like, why don't you get it delivered? And I was like, what? You can just get Starbucks brought to you. You're like, yeah, do it every morning. Yeah. Which it's changed my life for the better.

I mean, I just throw on a robe. No, it's delivery guys. He's a different colored slip every day. He probably loves it. Yeah, exactly. He probably loves it. Good morning. But wait, what does hair of the dog even mean?

I was writing this out of my notes of like, talking to you about having hair of the dog. And I'm like, what does that mean? You know how everything has, like, a meaning behind it? What is hair of the dog that just kind of grosses me out? Should we, like, look that up on the internet? Yeah, Google it. Do you have your phone on you?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Google. Says the girl with the computer right in front of her. Yeah, but I don't have Wi-Fi. Oh, they couldn't splurge the Wi-Fi. I just didn't ask. Hair of the dog. Let's see.

Because I always think of dumb sayings like, you know, like the saying the bee's knees. I'm like, what? And then I dissect that. And I'm like, well, maybe something is so crazy out there outrageous that it's like bees don't have knees. So it would be like a unicorn. Bees knees is like something so out there and magical and great that it doesn't even exist. Okay, I've got your answer. Okay.

Hair of the dog. Okay. Short fair, hair of the dog that bit you. A colloquial expression in the English language predominantly used to refer to alcohol that is consumed with the aim of lessening the effects of a hangover. Okay. Okay, wait, let's see, though. But what does this mean? Oh, the expression originally referred.

I'm reading Wikipedia, by the way. I'm not smart. I'm not actually like this is like all coming from your brain. What if I just played it off? Like, I knew the answer. You should have. Okay, it says the expression originally referred to a method of treatment of a rabid dog bite by placing hair from the dog in the bite wound. Okay.

I'm so glad we just Googled that. Yeah. And I'm also really. confused why I didn't just Google that when I was writing my notes, but that's good. Isn't that one of those things that you never think to look up, and now we'll know that forever? And I'll always think of you when I have a drink when I'm being hung over. That's what I aim for in life.

People to think of me when they're hungover. I think of you during a lot of things, so it's okay. I know we want to ask. No, don't. Don't. The wine's talking again. I should have brought tequila. I know, but I didn't tell you I was on the kick yet.

Yeah. Well, now I know. I feel kind of like I'm cheating on wine with tequila. Because it's weird for me. It's your new love. Yeah, I wouldn't go with love yet. Wine has, like, been there. It's your new lust.

Yeah, wine's like soul-made. Yeah, always. That's been there. Always. But, yeah, I'm kind of like cheating. Yeah. It's like the new young version. I am totally down and I'm on the tequila train.

So good. I'm right there with you. And that only means we need to find like a nice tequila bar in New York since I'm in New York. I'm so glad you're here. And we can sip tequila. I can't believe you're living here right now. I can't believe you're living here right now. I can't believe.

but did you ever think no thank god it's only for two months because you don't love it you know what you can spell okay here's the thing i got here on day one and i was like i hate new york i can't deal with this i i was so overwhelmed and then yesterday i did a few things like what did i do wait what did i do yesterday oh i went to my girlfriends who like are Canadian who live here they took me shopping a little bit, which you know I don't like shopping. I know. And I got to walk around a little bit, and it was like a nice day out. Yeah.

I did a really good workout class at the dog pound. Yeah. And then we like went and got really good pizza. So I was like, oh, maybe I could get used to this. Yeah. And it takes a little while. Yeah. And it takes a certain type of like mentality.

Like you just have to know. It's the mentality. You're right. Yeah. You just have to know, first of all, that you're going to sit in traffic all the time. Yeah. You have to know that's going to be loud. Yeah.

You have to know that people are going to be assholes and, like, you know, yell at you on the street. Yeah, but like they get over it. You yell back. Yeah. You sit through the traffic. And it's getting used to it. Like, I'm in. That's true.

Well, I'm going to take this as an opportunity to plug my new Instagram account. If you're not following at Off the Vine podcast on Instagram, what are you even doing? In my one of my latest posts, I post one about brainstorming. And if you go take a look, it's actually I'm standing at my Veridest. which I use all the time now, and I got Sean one as well. Verdesk helps you stay active while you work. It's a simple way to transform any desk into an active workspace and encourage more movement in your day.

Standing more, sitting less, it can help you improve your health, reduce back pain, raise your energy, increase your metabolism, and boost your productivity. If you're not already on that site, buying one up, again, what are you even doing? It sits on top of your existing desk, so there's nothing to replace it with. I actually got the one that's a full desk, but you can try one risk-free for 30 days with free shipping both ways if you go to vera-desk.com to check it out. That's V-A-R-I-Desk.com and check it out. I wanted to start with the podcast with the confessional booth because mine has something to do with me being a wussy in New York.

So my confession is that I didn't, I have not slept the past two nights in my obfessional. apartment because I was a convinced that it was haunted and there's like a picture because it's an Airbnb right so somebody else's home yeah there's a picture of a man on a wall and he's like giving me the eye all the time in my bedroom and so I put sticky notes over his eyes because he was freaking me out I know I called him peeping Tom and I put sticky notes over his eyes and I was like screw you Tom not today and so anyways I left the room and I came back and one of the sticky notes had fallen off so he was giving me the one eye which made it even creepy Anyways, peeping Tom is in my room, and every night I go to sleep, I'm so used to my house in Nashville where it's like very peaceful and quiet.

So I put a night light on last night. Oh, my gosh. I had a Christmas movie playing in the background, and I had my meditation app on so that I couldn't hear anything. And I was so spooked when really it was just the heater system and the pipes. What were you spooked about, though? See, I'd be more spooked in a house. house in Nashville where there's like multiple entry points and windows and like people can drive a car kidnap you and drive you away. You make so much sense and I don't know what it is. I think it's

just like a new. Yeah. Space. And you're used to like you're not used to sleeping alone. Not used to sleeping alone. Right. I'm not used to like, yeah, maybe I'm just used to the noises in my own home. But this one, it was like a, and I'm watching stranger things. Well, that's not the smartest thing. And that's throwing me off because all of a sudden my lights flickered. which is like a thing on Stranger Things. And the noise was like pipes coming from my tub. And so I was like, oh, hell no. What's going on?

But then everyone was like, Caitlin, you live in New York? Yeah. You'll start to love the sounds, actually. You know what? This morning? Heard it while I was writing up the podcast. And I was like, it's just the pipes. Yeah.

It's just the radiator hissing. Yeah. Yeah. So New York. Oh, you'll love it. And when you feel like you're so New York, it's the best. Like, honestly, I've lived here almost three years. And like, this is so lame.

But sometimes I find myself, like, crossing a crosswalk and I, like, flip my hair. Or, like, a cab will be in the crosswalk, and I'm like, I have the right-of-way. Like, you know, I yell. Oh, you embrace the life. Oh, yeah. You're in it. You become part of it. You're in it.

Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. So here's what I think's going to happen. I'm only here for two months. I'm going to get the hang of it right when I move home. And then I'm going to get to Nashville and go, I miss New York. You are going to miss it, but we're going to get you the hang of it before.

Okay. That's, well, good. You see, like, a couple weeks. Tell me your confession, if you have fun. And don't look at me like that. From like, what time period? Oh, hell, I'll take anything. Oh, God.

Well, okay. Like, what do you mean confession? Like, okay. So basically, my confession was from last night. You can tell me. That was a confession? You're right. That was really piss poor.

That was a piss poor confession. I got plenty of those. I thought we were going like full-blown, forgive me, father. I would love if you went there because all of my other podcasts, like, just to give you an example, I peed my pants because I was drunk one night and confess that. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good. Like, I'll go there.

Mine was just like I had to think of something. That I have to think because there's not, I'm not shy on many of confessions. This is why I invited you. This podcast is the topic. Okay. Okay. I mean, I have a lot of things to confess probably. Okay.

Some, like, funny. Some not so. funny probably give me too i'll give you another confession if you give me something okay um oh okay i got we'll see if this is a confession okay so this week this past week i went out for a run at like 5 p.m okay um and i was like yeah you know today it's nice it's gonna be at the day i'm gonna go for a nice long run you know i like my runs yeah you do and um i left the house at 5 p m i was on my run and one of my girlfriends texted me and she's like hey you're on your run i'm like yeah she's like let's grab some rosé i was like all right fine

So we grab rosé. Next thing you know, our other friend joins us because one of us, like, Snapchat's it. Next thing, you know, it's dinner and dinner turns into more drinks. More drinks turns into a different bar. I find myself home at 2 a.m. Okay. That's early. A little tipsy is still in my running clothes.

No, I left the house at 5 p.m. Andy. Oh, that's not a good confession? I mean, it's okay. Okay, all right. Go there. Because here's the glorious thing about Off the Vine. The people who listen are so sweet.

and supportive and embrace everything that we do on here. And it's the trust tree with the nest and it's your safe place. Oh, I was thinking that was like a good confession that you looked like I was running. Okay, fine. I know what you're saying now. But that's cute. So would a confession be like I was over at a guy's house?

Yeah. You're already like, yeah. I love where you're going with this. Okay. So I was over at a guy's house and the clock struck like 2 a.m. And I was like, should I go home? Or should I stay. Should I stay or should I

go now? Okay. And I was like, okay, he's asleep, I think. Like, I can hear him snoring. Yeah. So I went downstairs and I got my clothes and I was like, I'm going to make a deal. If I... Oh, this guy has money because you said downstairs and we're in New York. Go on.

Well, I wasn't going down to the laundry room. Okay. Go on. I'm in a regret saying this. No, you're not. Anyway, so I made a deal. I was like, all right, if I come back up and he's still sleeping, I'm leaving. If I come back up and he's not, I'll be like, oh, I was just grab my clothes. Yeah. Come back up. He's still sleeping. So I'm like, all right, peace out. I'm going to go, you know, to my own place. Yeah. I go downstairs. The dorm man looks at me in a funny way. And I was like, if he asks, just say I left at 9. I left at 9. Yes. That's a good one. Okay. That's confession worthy. Yeah. And that's like reasonable and like relatable. And that's great. And I was like, well, it gets even worse because at like 9 a.m. the next morning.

He texts you. No, I texted him an emoji, like the kiss of face. So that I played it off as if I had just like, like, I had just. left. Oh, you are great. You are a genius. And did he go for it? He didn't say anything. Like, didn't say anything that I left it too. Oh, well, he was probably like, I don't know if that's worse that he didn't even notice that I left. No. He was snoring. He was out. He was probably like, oh my gosh, I'm an idiot. I was snoring and she like had to leave. I'm like, I'm an idiot. He didn't even notice. I didn't even have to get the door to lie. No, no. I bet that was like, that's actually like you were too seven. ahead. That was good. Right? Yeah. Is that confession really? Yes. Okay. That was great. I'm glad we know the gauge of things. Got it. Even though I know you and we could have went different places with that. I feel like my mom's going to listen to this. Okay. Actually, I know she is because she already asked me when it's on and get her the link. Then this is perfect. It's mom friendly. You did the right thing. You, right? I said no and I went home. And you went home. Good girl,

Andy. Morals. Capital M. Morals. I love you. Okay, so moving on, my, I just showed my true, like, rookieness with my confession because I was scared of a pipe making noise. No, end of peeping Tom, though. And peeping Tom, he was a big factor. That's creepy, though, that someone even has that kind of artwork in their room. It kind of makes you wonder who's renting from. Well, then I'm like, well, is it him maybe? Because that's cool.

It's kind of weird, though. I know, I don't know. You want to watch himself? It's like over the bed. It's not over the bed. It's over the computer. even weird That is weird

And I think we've answered The question I think I'm just going to take them down Oh my gosh, wait I didn't even end my confession I actually walked around my apartment Saying no Tom, if you're a spirit

You can't be here And I like shunned every room Being like no No spirits allowed Wait can you imagine what your neighbors heard Well they're probably like Some chick is yelling at Tom again Well, my neighbor has the screaming kids, and I don't care what she hears because it can't be worse than the screaming kids I hear through the door every day.

So you've got screaming kids in apartment A and Caitlin yelling at Tom in apartment B. That's exactly what you've got. Welcome to New York. I was going to say, and that is New York for you. Oh, it's so is. You can hear everything. Everything. So I have, I mean, this is partly in my books.

I shouldn't give it away, but it's still funny. Just along the lines of you can hear everything, I have a girl that's definitely a hooker in my building. And any time you open the window at any hour, you can hear her. Any time. I mean, 2 a.m., 7 a.m. Girls got to eat? No. Eat what?

I don't know. But, like, that goes to show you the sounds. You can hear, I mean, everything. Well, and who, that's why I'm so confused by you said you went downstairs. So I'm like, who has a house here? Or is it townhouse? Like townhouse. Yeah, or like a.

Still, money. Sorry. Can we name names? Hell no. Oh, yeah, okay. That is one thing. I'll tell the stories, but I never tell the stories. You're right.

Which I appreciate. Yeah. I'm a vault with that kind of stuff. You are a vault. Yeah. And everybody appreciates it. And you know what? I don't want to know who he is.

No, it's more fun to just guess. I don't really want to know who he was. You're like the reason I don't tell you is because I actually have no idea. Let's call him Tom. We'll just refer to everybody as Tom today. They're all Tom's. They're all a bunch of Tom's. Toms. Welcome to New York, where the Toms are waiting for you.

All Tom's everywhere. Well, not you. No, Tom's are not waiting for me at all. Tom's are not interested because they're not allowed to be. Yeah, because you have a blinding ring still on your finger. It's there. What would you do if it wasn't on there today? You have a blinding ring on your finger? Yeah, sure, I do. Yeah. I wouldn't think anything. Well, people on Twitter do. Yeah, but I know you. I moved to New York and be like, oh my God, what happened there and Sean? I'm like, guys. Yeah, I don't worry about you guys. People ask me sometimes are.

Do you really think Caitlin and Sean will make it? I'm sure people ask you, too, about, like, other bathroom batterats. I'm like, yeah, for sure. People ask me all the time about Carly and Evan because we hang out with them in Nashville. They're like, are they really that happy? I'm like, yes. But I wouldn't say that about everyone. No.

True. But Carly and Evan, I think, are more friggin solid than any. Yeah. But I feel that way with, like, you and Sean. I was like, yeah, they're totally solid. Oh, so solid that even if we weren't, we still would be because we know how to work through it. And, like, you guys have kind of morphed into one cool, weird person. We are, we have morphed.

Yeah, you guys have morphed into one. Do we look like each other yet? Because I don't want to do that. Sometimes, sometimes couples start to look like each other. What? Uh-huh. No, I've never even heard of that. But no, you don't.

Maybe I just made it out of way prettier. Okay, thank you. Oh, I just spilled wine. Thank you for saying that because I feel like Sean's always the pretty one. No, you're pretty. Thanks. Thanks, for you. Thanks.

I keep your friends. I love you. I love this just because I'm like, I haven't even got to my, like, second paragraph yet which is great you're like 45 minutes i'm like okay we'll see about that yep not happening not happening let's talk about wine baby let's talk about bright oh good one kately let's talk about bright sellers is what i'm getting at sometimes i like to make up a song for everything but um okay bright sellers what i'm always drinking you can discover new wines that are delivered directly to you you get four personal wine bottles sent to your door each month you don't even have to get up and drive good

liquor store and decide which one you like. Try a new one. It's a fun seven question quiz. It will build your personal flavor profile to find your perfect wine. If you don't like a certain bottle, your wine concierge will help find a replacement. Wines from around the world like Italy and Spain and Portugal and South America. And listeners, if you're listening to this, you can use my link. You can take the quiz and get a preview of the recommended wines for free. And 50% off your first box if you go to brightsellers.com slash off the vine. Did I mention you get a wine concierge? That's okay. My point was with the me and my confession that I'm clearly a New York rookie and you're a vet, a seasoned vet in the city and I'm here for the next two months. So how am I going to survive? And I just want you to give me tips. I'm used to my quiet neighborhood in Nashville. I'm used to southern people just being so sweet, which you are too, I guess. I drive everywhere. I can't drive here. I've already spent So much money on Uber's.

Okay, well, have you taken the subway? That was my next point. I'm scared of the subway. Oh, what are you scared about it? Just that I'll get lost. Okay, yeah, you will, though, for sure. That's part of the experience. Yeah, there's an app that has all the stations.

You have to be a total moron to get lost too much. Okay, so there's an actual app I can download. Yeah, it's like a map that has every single station and there's different lines. It's pretty easy. You'll get the hang of it. You're going to get lost a couple times. But, yeah, you take the subway. Yeah.

Which you find out you could either drive in rush hour traffic and spend $50 to get, you know, a mile away. And it'll take you an hour or you can take the subway and it takes you seven minutes. Okay. Everyone rides the subway. Like people from Wall Street. It's not like a loser, cruiser. No, rich folk, poor folk. Everyone rides a subway.

It's just the New York way. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's just fast. It's efficient. It kind of brings you all together as a community. It kind of is fun and cool. And, like, people watch. I don't mind people watching.

I think I'm scared I'm going to get raw. No. No. There's like tons of people on it all the time. Yeah. You have to go. I'll go on you. I'll go with you the first time. Yeah. That's what you should do. But bring hand sanitizer. It's not like clean. I'm not a germaphobe. I'm like, I'll like get on the subway and then bite my nails after I don't care. That's disgusting. I know. I have hand sanitizer all the time. That's why I was going to say that's why my immune system is so good. But I've been sick for like two weeks. So. No, the subway will teach you the subway. Okay. So that'll eliminate the car. You'll love not having to drive. Because you can drink however much you want. That's true. You never have to work. So is the subway open at all times? Yeah, but like if it's 2 a.m. You take an Uber.

There's no traffic. Right, right, right, right. But like, you will learn how fun it is to just not have to worry. Like, you go wherever you want. That's a good point. Because you're not going to drive. That's a good point. Yeah.

See, I wasn't looking at the positives. That's what I'm here for. Perfect. Probably the last thing I need. Not driving is so fun, though. That's, no, I like it. But, see, I'm engaged to Sean and he doesn't really drink, so he's always my D-D. Well, aren't you lucky?

So it's like I have a hot chauffeur or so. Yeah. Well, I don't know how to respond to that because it's true. But I will embrace the subway because I do feel like that's part of being in New York. And I have to take the subway every single day to the August Wilson Theater to do my Broadway show. There you go. So I have to. We'll teach you.

And I'm not going to Uber every day. No. How much is the subway? Like $2.50. Oh, peanuts. You get a card. Peanuts. I'll give you your first card.

I have some extras. Oh, my God. Because I always forget. and then you're going to bite me more and you're such a good friend it's kind of fun it's cool I am making you do it with me the first time now I'll give you the free card but I have it probably is like 75 cents left on it hey well I gave you wine so you give me a separate card and can we do like holiday stuff like yes we'll do like Rockefeller yeah I want to do really Christmasy things mold wine oh the hot wine yeah oh my gosh I lived in Germany everyone knows that because I talk about all the time and you went to like German Christmas markets and they had the glue vine they call it and it's the same same thing okay it's just the hot wine and you add a shot of like um whiskey or brandy to it yeah oh yeah we'll get you that oh i'm so excited it's fun and new york's fun it's magical like it sounds cheesy but come christmas time no i'm even like starting now it's bucket list for me yeah like going down fifth avenue and seeing like rockefeller center yeah ice skating rink and the tree it's so pretty do you

do you want to go skating i've only skated once ever i've i figure skated for eight years of course you did well you teach me well the thing is i haven't been been on skates since. Actually, I did on The Bachelor, but they put me in hockey skates and I can't skate in those. But I was a love. Oh, yeah. Because figure skates have the picks at the front and you like push off them and hockey skates are like this where I just was sliding all over the place. I act like people can see me, but they can't. But I think it's going to be like riding a bike. Like I'll just put on a pair of figure skates and we'll just go to town and we'll have wine. Definitely why. I mean, you're going to be better than me because

I grew up in the South so we didn't skate. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, but it'll be so fun. We'll do it. And so Christmasy. It's a date. And then will you help me decorate my apartment, Christmasy? Yeah, but can we, like, take pictures of each other and like to know it and pick out cute outfits with like beanies? Yes. Perfect.

Oh, we are going to have a time in these next two months. I'm so excited. John's coming here in December. He's going to be like, okay, I need friends. He's going to like, you guys have morphed into each other now. I feel like he thinks that way anyways when he hangs out with both of us together. He's like, what's happened to my name? here we go okay so obviously we have to talk bachelor just for a hot minute only because

we know we both love talking about no I don't mind it I just have no idea what's ever going on with it like I feel like a total I'm not talking about anything relevant okay good I always feel like an ass and people like oh my god so this I'm like I don't know what you're talking about no I totally get it but I'm like in and out I don't hang in the crowd I'm not cool enough to hang in the crowd yeah I'm I'm like old I'm getting there but I kind of like that. And I'm not in L.A. I'm in Nashville.

Actually, there's a lot of Bachelor people in Nashville. Yeah, they all started moving. First, they came to New York. You're right. And then now it's Nashville. Then it was L.A., and now it's Nashville. See, and I'll, we hang out with Carly and Evan because I love them so much. But, okay, just because, I mean, everyone that listens knows that we're from Bachelor World.

We are. Excuse me. Cute. Southern Choward. New Yorker already. Nope. That's my Canadian. Canadian coming out.

Okay, so you became Bachelor at Season 10 after sending yourself home on Mom Pablo season. This is my favorite because that's iconic, you know? You sent yourself home. You're like, I'm out. So, like, you can't do that. I'm like, why not? You're like, yeah, you'd watch me and then I'll become The Bachelorette, so yes, I can.

I loved that. I feel like it was not only memorable television, but it also led you to your first book, which we were going to talk about. But how did you get on the show in the first place? Like, how did, Did you audition? Free drinks.

What? Yeah. So it all comes down to free drinks. I talked about this in the first book. It was funny because I was single and all my girlfriends, I'm from the South. So everyone was like married and having kids. And I was like the token single one. Some of my girlfriends were obsessed with Bachelor, Bachelor, which I didn't even know that they were obsessed.

But there was a casting call and they were like begging me to go. And I was saying, hell no. Yeah. I was an attorney at the time. I'm like, hell, no. And they're like, well, there's free drinks. I was like, what's the address? Yeah.

See you there. And next thing I knew, I was there standing in line with a bunch of girls wearing bandaged dresses. And I just come from work and I'm like in a pencil skirt suit. I like rip off the blazer. I loved it. I took, no, I took like the pearls off. I was like trying, like took panty hose off in the car. Oh my gosh.

It was disastrous. But yeah, I walked in there. And it was so funny because before I even got a drink, one of the producers or the casting producers, whatever they are, had pulled me aside and started interviewing me. And then I was 10 minutes later, she was like. sending me off on my way. So I went for free drinks and never even got a free drink. Oh, what? Yeah, it was like 10 minutes. It's a sad story. I know. But I mean, it led me to right. Not really, but I'm just disappointed you didn't get free drinks. And then I got plenty of free drinks. And then you made up for lost time. Yeah, you made up for lost time. And I found myself saying

no to free drinks on the bachelor. Yeah, you're like enough is enough. I'm so curious how they're going to go about drinking now just since the like scandal. I feel like they're going to like not have unlimited alcohol everywhere at all times. I don't know. I don't know. I used to literally just like put my name on a bottle but I can put down some wine like without being sloppy same so I would literally just put my name on a bottle and be like that's my bottle that's a good that was a good call yeah I feel like I did I just drank whatever they had yeah I always try to stick with the wine then I look back though and I'm like wow my lips were always purple oh see I still I love red wine but I well on the podcast that's all I drank yeah but on Bachelorette all I drank was a white wine just for that reason I need to start doing that and my friends drink out of a straw. They have no shame. They will literally drink red wine out of a straw and they just a commitment to their... Yeah, they're like, I don't give a shit. I want white teeth and I want red wine. That's a commitment to a good smile right there. I'm like... You see me like two minutes go. I was like this. I was like rubbing my teeth and my lips. I'm like digging through my drawers

for crest white strips. I have none. Well, they work. I use them all the time, actually. Your teeth are white. Well, that's because I use crest white strips. This is not a plug. No, it's not. But it could be if you guys want to send it to my address. We, yeah, but if you guys don't hook it up, I'm totally going on. Totally. Actually, also, this is not a plug, but I really am doing Smile Direct Club. Are you? I'm not, they're not paying me to say that.

I legit reached out to them because I saw them working with Bachelor people. What is it? It's, they're straightening out my teeth. It's like envisalime. Yeah. But it's like a more affordable, better product. Are you wearing it now? No.

Oh, so it's not like the invisibleine that it's got the... It's exactly like that. Like, you can't see. I just haven't started it yet. Oh, I was like, I think you're supposed to wear those like 203. Yeah, no, I just haven't started yet. I'm doing it after the Broadway thing I'm going to start. I was like, I'm pretty sure you should be wearing it right now.

But they have a good teeth whitening system too. Okay. Yeah. Honestly, you can edit this out. That's so many is like you should probably be wearing them if you're doing. Yeah. I haven't started yet. It's like when you see them take their retainers out to like eat a meal.

Yeah. That's going to be me in two months. Oh, I can't wait. Cute. Wait, how did you come out of the limo? I don't remember. Do you know that I was supposed to be on Juan Pablo season? No.

That's the one I auditioned for. really yes and then what happened nothing they my girlfriend like made me like picture she sent she did all the paperwork she did everything and she was like sent it in and it was for Juan Pablo season oh that's so funny and then nobody contact me until Chris Sol season well for my limo thing they wanted me to do something super cheesy and they bought these like handcuffs were like yeah I'm not doing that yeah and I would have been like cool me yeah I'm in I felt kind of bad because I was like already saying no to the very first thing they wanted But I was like, there's, like, not doing them.

You have the right to remain silent. I just, like, I have a job to go back to it. You can't do this. Right. But the first night, it was like, they said to be ready at 4 p.m. Yeah. 8 p.m. rolls around. No one's knocked on my door.

It's like 10 p.m. I'm like, great. I take off my dress. I'm like, on the alternate, like, whatever. And so then they finally, like, knock on my door. It's like, you need to get dressed. Oh, you didn't, you know. Oh, wow.

I had no idea. And I went down to the lobby. And actually, the first sight I saw was Claire Crawley. and she had a pregnant belly. Like she had done this, like, shoved a pillow in her dress. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is like, what's happening?

And then I, like, saw Charlene and there was another girl that had, like, a super sparkly dress on. And I remember just being in the limo and being like, is this girl pregnant? Like, I was like, because this can't be a funny joke. He was like a child, you know, with an ex-girlfriend. But it was a funny joke. Turned out to be a funny joke. I mean, she actually played it off. Right.

But, yeah, that was my first one. And then I remember everyone kept going out. The producer that was in the limo was like, all right, you're the last one. Then I'd like, don't fuck it up. Shut up. Great, thanks. Yeah. So it was like midnight by the time I even got out there.

What? And I don't remember anything I said. Oh, man. I was like in the first limo coming in hot guns, blazing. Prime real estate. Yeah. Do you know what order you were? I was limo one.

Yeah. I think I was like the third or fourth. Do you remember which one Sean was? Oh, you know, no, I was second limo. because there was girls already when I walked in. I was second limo, second out. I can remember the girl. Sean was limo one.

Nice. Isn't that funny? Because you start to realize that there's like, there's some. There's a system. Yeah. There's some mind work going on and like who's first and last and all of that stuff. Oh, 100%. And then I'm like thinking, because I picture you now knowing you, not knowing you watching

that show being like, oh, it's supposed to be on it, even though I was not his type at all. So did you like him like right off? bat or did you know he wasn't the horn? I thought he was hot. Yeah. That's the thing. And it's funny because a lot of girls from my season, like me and Kelly and Nikki will still talk about this. Like, well, not Nikki, we'll talk about this, but Kelly and I will talk about.

She's like, I still can't believe how long you stayed on. I was like, I thought he was hot. Yeah. I didn't know him at all as a thing. I got like almost no time with him. I was the last one to get a one-on-one date. Yeah. So I didn't even have my first one-on-one until the week before hometown.

What was your one-on-one? New Zealand with the waterfall. Oh, right. But we didn't, I know, but we didn't even talk that much then. Right. And there was like, the nighttime portion was like a guy that wouldn't even eat dinner. Right. So I honestly, I didn't really know him very well, but I was attracted to it.

Yeah, it was just hot to me. That makes sense. Yeah. And then. That's so much of the show anyways. Like, they're just, the physical appearance is half the battle. Yeah. And then when I started to get to know him, I was like, bye.

Yeah. The second that you, like, you like met your family and then you're like, uh, yeah, no. He met my family and my parents are like, you're effing kidding. Yeah. That's like, is it. Is this a joke next? Yeah, this is a joke. Kind of like what they did with Nick.

They're like, come on. Why is it always up until that moment that you're like, wait, why didn't I see that? Well, that's what the funny thing about it too is so you probably have an experience though with your parents meeting everyone. Like when my parents met Nick and Josh, it was just funny to see their reactions because they're like, all right, like, what's coming next? Yeah, yeah. Because I made sure to do Nick first. Yeah. And my sister's like, I sure hope someone else is coming.

Yeah, I did him first too. Wait, how funny is it that our parents have met the same guy? Yeah. And that they asked for the permission. And then we were like, but no, right? But your parents said yes. Yeah, well, so did mine. I'm like, Dad, why did you say yes?

Of course they say yes. They don't want to be, they don't want to do that to you on TV. But I'm like, Dad, you've now said you've given your blessing to three men now. Like, what is the fourth supposed to do? do what is your word and blessing mean nowadays to me in my marriage I didn't even think of that but yeah also it's like he's probably like and is for TV okay I was being a good dad for TV but you know me and I'm like it's not like that part of it's so real for me like you know how I am I'm actually a hopeless romantic with that kind of stuff yeah I don't realize that some of that is for TV and so I'm

like what I can't believe you'd say yes if you didn't think he was right for me your dad was just doing you like a gracious favor totally yeah totally he was just trying to to be like he probably everything in him probably wanted to say no but he was doing that for you yeah and then after the fact he's like i would not have let you walk down the aisle to either so don't worry exactly like wait you told me that before you said yes wait a second backtrack here he's like you got to figure things out on your own that was my dad when he met sean he was like you know right i'm like yeah okay cool what a funny position And we put our parents in for that.

The poor things. Oh, my gosh. The poor things. Like, I think my mom loved it, but my dad was like, what is going on? Right. Like, what is life? My mom was a performer, her whole life, ballet dancer. She was kind of just like, let's do it.

My dad was kind of like, Kate, are you okay? Oh, my God. My mom was so worried. My mom got the whole house painted, the whole outside of the house painted. Your mom's so sweet. Did she really? Yeah, and then it was nighttime. They didn't even film the outside.

I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, what a sweet art. We FaceTimed your mom. Um, where, when was that? Oh. What? Oh, Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, God.

Yeah, we probably did FaceTime her. I always FaceTime her drunk. I mean, oh, that's like the best time right now. Do it. Tell her to, she can say hi on the podcast. I really loved your mom. She's the best. And then we FaceTime my mom and it was like a thing.

I loved doing that. And then we did in Chicago. What did your mom think of the Jimmy Kimmel thing? I just felt like I was the most awkward I've ever been on TV. I've done some weird. stuff in my life on TV. That, to me, was the most awkward I've ever been. I think it was just, like, such a weird setting. And I didn't realize it because what people also didn't see. First of all, I always tell people, like, you weren't wasted. I wasn't wasted.

Neither of us were wasted. Yeah, it was just, yeah, the stage was already set. It was already weird. And then we have to go out on Kimmel and be, like, funny and approachable. And like, ha-ha, this is a funny situation when really, we're like, we just took this because, like, we freaking love Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. And you also, like, go over all these. points with the producers of like what you might talk about and it never goes that way it always ends up in a completely different direction and so yeah that that whole show is just weird it was weird this one's for the men out there who might be listening or all you ladies who have men in your life summer may be behind us but sweat not doesn't quit fortunately there is one company out there

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or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. I'm only one, half a glass in and the boobs are coming out. That's because you still have tequila in your system from last night. That's exactly what it is. Oh, I'm jealous. I want tequila in my system. Oh, my God.

Your parents are the best. Oh, my God. They're so funny. My mom always fixes her hair on face. I'm like, mom, no one, like, it's just me saying you. And it's funny because my mom would do the exact. They have no idea. Wait.

Wait. Do you know what my mom did on her podcast with me? What? She put in diamond earrings and lipstick and, like, dressed up and I'm like mom you know this is a podcast and she's like well I want to feel good I'm like well I appreciate that though because look good feel good feel good play good like you should see my running outfits yeah you always oh head to tell because I run better and I'm just like you never know oh see and I'm like the more comfortable the same year I feel oversized sweatshirt

yep I really do I feel I feel sexy in baggy clothes I wish you guys could see Eddie's face right now Well it's so funny because we always have this This is a conversation in our friendship at all times Always It always results to like the fashion Like I feel sexy in a backwards hat I feel sexy in beanie

And beanie and you look good in beanie Oh thank you I feel sexy in oversized sweatshirts And like slippers What kind of slippers Oh shit like the ugly ones Like big fluffy like grandma slippers Not like a low

loafers slipper. No. No. That's too trendy for me. Remember when I wear those loafers? You're like, what the fuck are on your feet? I was like, what is that? And the stylist was like, oh my God.

How did you get those? I was like, only in London. He's like, of course. You had to get them in London. Yeah, you got loafers from London that were like so expensive. Gucci loafers. And I was like, ew, what are you wearing on your feet? And you were like, ew, you're wearing like combat boots.

Caitlin's stop. I did see you got a new purse, though. Did I? Yeah. No, that's old. That was a gift. That was a gift like six years. ago that I just recycled so that you didn't make fun of me.

But I make fun of you in love. Oh, I know. If you didn't, I wouldn't like you. It's so funny. I think it's, wait, we have a game to play. Oh, yeah, yeah. But, wait, where was that on my notes? Hey, glad we're 42 minutes in and probably on section number three. No, I hate how fast this goes. Okay, wait, I want to talk about your books. Okay. Okay, okay. We'll do that and then we'll get back to the funny stuff. So, obviously, like, screw on Pablo's screw everything that doesn't work.

It led you to writing a very entertaining, a very successful book. You're now able to say you wrote a New York Times bestselling book with over a thousand copies sold, 100,000. Shut up, Caitlin. With over 100,000 copies sold, which is badass. And I know you worked so hard and you wrote these all yourself, which is so impressive. Because I will for sure get a ghost writer if I write books. Thanks. But you worked your butt off.

So tell us, first of all, about the first book, what it's about, the process, sharing everything. Tell us about that. And then let's talk about your new book. Okay. I'll try and keep it simple. But the first one came out of my journals. So actually, I'd never journaled in my entire life. When I was going through my broken engagement, it was really weird, just having something so public. And I was just awful. And I didn't know who to trust. There was a lot of emotions happening. And a lot of pressure, too. Yeah, there was a lot of emotions happening. And for some reason I just like decided to start journaling and then it was actually Kelly Travis

who I was living with at the time told me I should turn it into a book probably over a couple bottles of wine long story short I know right I owe her victory the best long story short I got introduced to a literary agent we shopped the book around it got bought I figured oh I'd have a ghostwriter I'm like okay let's interview ghost writers then my agent's like you you don't get a ghostwriter. I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, you have a lot degree, like, you can write. You're good writing. Yeah. And so I thought it would be a lot easier than it was. Turns out stringing together like 300 pages is not very easy. I cannot imagine that. I learned what a narrative arc is. Oh, what is it? I don't know, something that's like

beginning, middle and end. So about a protagonist. I should have paid attention. Yeah. The antagonist. The antagonist. Some enemies become friends and friends become enemies. Some SAT shit that I probably should have paid attention to. The reader finds out the journey isn't always an easy one. Go on. But yeah, so, like, I ended up writing the first one. It did very well, obviously, and got me the second book, which is crazy because the second book is so different. So it's called Single State of Mind.

The first one was It's Not Okay. And for those of you that read, it's not okay, single state of mind is a sequel. So it picks off exactly where you left off. Yeah. Amazing. which is no secret that it picks up in New York City and moving here. And you're single. Yeah. And being single and, you know, not just being single as far as, like, the dating things, but, like, coming into age and being single and, like, having gone from being engaged and now single and having no idea where my life is going. Right.

And just total identity crisis. I think that a lot of people can relate to, like, 98% of women. In moving, in breakups and whatever it is. So, yeah, it's like, I like the second one a lot better. You do? I think it's better written. Yeah. Because you probably learned so much from the first book. I did.

And, like, I'm really hard on myself as far as, like, you know, the grammar. And I shouldn't be because I'm not, like, I wasn't a real author the first time. I'm going to give you a little newsflash. If you sell over 100,000 copies of a book that you wrote on your own about you and you're doing good. I mean, hanging in there. Yeah, you're hanging in there. You can hang. This is okay.

This is okay. Drinking red wine at 4.30. Like, here's the thing. You're drinking red wine at 430 on a podcast talking about books because you've wrote two. Yeah. True. Thanks. Life's good.

True. But no, the second one I think is better. What is it more fun? It comes out January 9th. Okay. You'll get a copy before. Don't worry. Yes, please.

It's called single state of mind. It's got like that sex in the city vibe to it. But obviously, it's like all personal stuff. It's again. I cannot wait. Yeah. It's all like. nonfiction with a little twist we kind of we merge a little thing it's kind of more fun because I also got to obviously everyone knew the numbering system in the first one everyone knew exactly who I was talking about but I feel like I'm pretty quiet with like who I date yeah you are so I mean you know yeah but like Instagram doesn't know right with yeah so I think people are going to be kind of surprised I can okay so do you name names in this one um I there are names oh yeah yeah and it's juicy

Oh, my God. It's so juicy. Bachelor, Bachelorette stuff was juicy. Single in New York City between the age of 28 and 30. Juicy. I mean, you know, just even some of the stories I tell you. Of course. But I love that you're putting it in a book because I just...

It's too good not to. I mean, so many things you tell me, I'm like, this is like movie shit. It's too good not to put in. Yeah, you have to. It's so entertaining. And, like, at my own expense, a lot of times. Well, yeah, of course, but that's the best part. Yeah.

You know? I have no shame. No. But that's why I like you. I just told my confession that my mom's going to have you. Which you would tell your mom anyways. No, I wouldn't. Oh, it's not.

Hi, Mom. I know. My mom still thinks I'm the big V. No, she doesn't. She probably does. No, I never told her. Yeah, you never told her about it. I'd be like Nick might have told her, but I didn't.

I think somebody might have told the world, but whatever. And you are recording your audio book to my husband. Tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. I should be on voice rest right now instead I'm drinking red wine. Sorry for feeding you wine and making you talk on a podcast. I have such a bad voice anyways that I don't know why they want me to record the audio. No, you don't. You have a raspy, sexy. No, raspy is, I strive for rasp. If I could sing, it would be cool. But you can read an audio book, which is also cool. Not as sexy as like a raspy singing voice. No, I think it's cool. I think a raspy audio voice. I, we're doing. We're doing. different in that way. We're different in a lot of ways, which is why we're so close. But I love

the sound of my own voice. I like your voice. You do. I don't like the sound of my, like, when you listen to a voicemail or like your greeting. I love your voice. But you like the sound of your own voice? Yep. Oh, I can't listen to my own voice. I actually, I mean, for the most part, I enjoy it. I'm more hard of myself for my, like, I always say, um, or I always do like little things in there. I'm like, oh, stop. But I enjoy the sound of my own voice. Do you have a good voice? Well, I think you do. Are you still in a single? I think you're pretty too. I think so you agree. You think you're pretty. Are you still in a single state of mind? Um, yeah. State of mind. Yeah. State of mind. Sure. Yeah. Always. How do you meet people in the city? Are you on apps? Um, no. I meet people like,

okay, I meet people a lot through friends, but it's terrible. Like, it's amazing how bad some of your closest friends can be at setting you up oh because they just want you to like I guess and I have been set up with some of like not the worst human beings but just like people where I'm like what like what on earth made you think I would like this person or like we'd be compatible in that moment when you're set up are you on a date are you like what do you do are you just like I'm going to be so obvious that I'm not into it that he just backs off so I don't I wish I had you a nerve to do that No, I'm not a flirt. I wish I had the nerve to, like, do that.

But I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I, like, respectful of people's time, like, don't want to hurt people's feelings. So I always do drinks, only drinks. I only, like, commit to maybe, like, an hour, hour and a half a drink. So I'll just lie and be like, I have a dinner at eight, but, like, I'm free at 630. Perfect. So, you know, drinks can turn into me canceling the dinner. Right.

That's whatever. But, yeah, I always like to have, like, a little out. Because I don't want to be, I also don't want to be a dick to my friend's friend. Right. But yeah, I've started to be like one voucher apiece. We've enacted the voucher program where it's like you get one. That's actually pretty smart though. Yeah.

Because you know how it is. Well, at least back when you were single, your girlfriends will try and set you up with anything under the sun. Yeah. So you've got to draw the limit. And so I'm like one voucher. If you really, if you want to use your voucher, if you really, really think this guy is like great or we'd be compatible or you think he sucks and you think I suck, we'd be compatible. Then fine. Use your voucher.

voucher but right yeah that's good that's a good system i think so too is it like an asshole system no no no it's actually it's the opposite if you were an asshole you would just like go out with whoever and do whatever and then you treat them like crap and then you're giving them a chance to just like set you up for maybe success and if they don't then they lose their privilege yeah otherwise i'll just see you out when we're drunk exactly no i think it's the opposite i think it's a good system and i think you're doing the right thing yeah but that's pretty much how i meet guys are new york guys good or bad um okay both this is is a debate. Okay. My friends think they're terrible. I love them. Oh, okay. Really? But it's a game here. But your friends are taken. So they probably like, no, my friends are that are single. Oh, your single friends are. Yeah. They definitely think like, the problem with New York guys is this is a playground. I mean, there are like young models walking around everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere I look. I'm like, why is everybody so good looking? Yeah. It's a, it's a game for sure. But I think it's kind of fun. Oh, well, then you're in the right city. I know, right? I don't think you should like look for a soul.

made here though. It's your state of mind. Yeah. I don't think it's not a soulmate state of mind. Nashville is. Yeah. The south is. Yeah. I know last night when I was at the Alabama bar, I was definitely scanning the crowd. Yeah. Any hopefuls? No one came up and talked to us. Oh. And we were like with a group of girls. We had like a little table in the back. But you guys are probably so intimidating. I don't get that term. Can we discuss that? Sure. I would love to. No, no, no. I love going off topic. I hear this all the time when like even my girlfriend's like we're intimidating I don't get what that means okay okay here's what I think the group of girls that you hang with you guys are all like beautiful and I think you all give off the vibes of independent and don't need yeah guys to come buy you drinks or yeah and I think guys are insecure and I think they go to a bar looking for women who need them and need them to buy them drinks and when they don't see that they're like oh how do I approach this so it's a little intimidating in a good way. But then the guy's a little bitch, and I don't really want a little bitch anyways, right?

100%. When I was single, my biggest turnoff in the world is if a guy came out to me and said, my guy friends too shy to say hi or come up, I'd be like, disgusting, ew, I would never want to date a guy like that. If he walked up here and was like, what's up, I'd be like, cool. Or like send a round of drinks over, send around a shot. Even if that's cheesy, like, I don't mind that cheesiness. Do not send your friend over to say that you're too shy.

Gross. Right. Grow up. Grow up. Not into it. So I don't mean intimidating where they're little bitches. I mean intimidating. Like, I think you get the vibe from you guys that, like, you're not out searching for a guy to come by you drinks or anything, which they're expecting girls to do.

So I think it's a good thing. I'm not saying it as negative. It puts me home alone at night, but I guess it's a good thing. Eating pizza in bed. That sounds glorious to a lot of people, by the way. I got to say, there is nothing like waking up in your own. bed with no one in it. I mean, I'm engaged, and sometimes that's just nice to, you know, sprawl out on the

whole bed and order pizza, especially with Sean B. is like, I mean, he likes his pizza, but the guy's healthy as still. Hell. And I'm like, you know, sometimes I just like to be a slob in my own environment. I love it. I don't mind it. I love it. All right, listen, if you are like me in any way you don't leave your dog out of the

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So I thought we would do a game. You name either a name brand of like shoes, bags, anything like a name brand that I would not know. or you make up a name like Shuzwa. Okay. That was made up. And I have to guess if you made up the name or if it's an actual brand because I'm that clueless. Oh, okay. So let's come up with the name for the game that my brain is not. I'm like real or fake.

Cool. That's the name. Creative juices are flowing here. The wine tends to block the creativity. Yeah, which I'm fine with. And you know what? We're calling it real or fake. So I'll say real or fake.

Okay. I'm ready. So I'm going to name like a designer and you're going to tell me if it's real or fake. Yeah. Okay. Do you want to start easy? I don't know. I don't even know what easy is.

Okay. I'll start easy in my mind. No, no, no. I know that. Okay. I'll start easy. Okay. Balenciaga.

Fake. I've never heard that my whole life. Balenciaga? What is it? Shoes? Shoes, handbag. Okay. Never heard of it.

This is going to be. easy game. You're going to win this one. Wait, I'm pouring. Start it off easy, but I think I'm in a... I'm poor. If that was you starting off easy, I'm screwed. Okay. Yeah.

I don't even, I've never heard that term in my life. Valencia, like the moto bag. What's a moto bag? Have you heard of like the sock shoes? No. Okay. Great. This is going to be great.

Okay. Yeah, I probably will. You're like, maybe I do go to Louis Vuitt. on Gucci. I'll be like, great. Okay, then. How about Nicholas Atwood?

That sounds real. Oh, my God. You made it up. Yeah. I was like, that's got to be real. It's Brian Atwood. Oh, that's a good name, though. Nicholas Atwood? Right?

Yeah, I totally believe you. Oh, my. Okay. So, oh for two. This isn't even a game. This is just embarrassing. I know. I'm like, No, I'm going to go easy on you. Okay. Balmain. Andy, I don't know.

Oh, my God. Alaya. Fake. Real. Oh, my God. I was trying to actually be real. Victoria McCartney. Real.

Fake. Stella McCartney. Victoria Beckham. Okay, okay, okay. At least I knew the difference. Nice. Okay. Eadie Parker.

Fake. Real. Oh, my. It's so good. Jifanshi. Real. I knew that. We should just end on that.

Okay, let's end on that. Winner. That just goes to show like, I'm like, that's okay. You should have been like Airwalk. That's like Payless. It's like, you should have been like Nike. No, Airwalk is Payless. Should we change this game up?

Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. Doc Martin. No. Well, I know. No. Yeah.

Okay. Airwalk. That's funny. What is the other one? No, I was going to say like Crocks, but we all know that. Yeah. It's not as fun. Damn, that would have been fun.

But that would, if I would have thought about that, all I can think of is Airwalk right now. I was going to be like what. Yeah. But it's funny because my whole family is like not, my mom's not a shopper or my sister's not a shopper. Oh, really? I'm the shopper. Yeah. But it always have been.

And it's not even about like the money. Like, you know how I am. I'm like. No, your quality and nice things. I get that. I totally get where you're coming from. Yeah, I don't want, like, the logoed. No, no, no.

I get what you're saying. The logoed stuff, I'm like, oh, when I see people with, like, toting the big logoed bags. Yeah, the only logoed bag I have is, like, a Gucci bag that's vintage from my grandmother. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah. I can respect that. Oh, my God.

That game was so funny. I thought we were, like, I'm, like, I thought maybe I would know, like, half. What's the most you've ever spent on a pair of shoes? 50 bucks. What's the most you've ever spent at the spot? Oh. Like 300? Okay. Maybe more. Yeah. Fifty bucks the most expensive pair of shoes? No, that's a total lie, because I love Converse and they're like 110. Oh, God.

I'm serious. I was like, actually, I spend a lot of money on Converse. Those chucks. What are they called? Yeah, Jags. They're expensive, you know. They're like 110, $129. One time I spent $150 on like Nikes.

Oh, my God. You're so freaking cute. Oh, yeah. I love shoes, though. I just, yeah, nope. It doesn't do it for me. I would rather spend like, I'll spend money. I'll spend money, no question.

Yeah. But not on that kind of stuff. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what I would spend money on. Well, massages. Like when I was with you and you, like, had someone come to the hotel for a massage. Love that, live for it. I go to the, my, I have a girlfriend that only goes to the four seasons.

And I was like, I go to the four seasons too on Washington Square Park. Yeah. And it really is called the four seasons. And it's this Asian foot massage and it's $25 an hour. Wait, what is with this foot massage stuff in New York? I did it yesterday and I was like, I'm okay. Yeah, $25 an hour. I would never like go to a spa to get a massage.

No, now I'm not going to do anything. But I'll go to Valentino. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. What's that? Way to be real. Valentino, you know, like, Rock.

What, is that a shoe? Oh, my God, so great. Is that a shoe? Yeah, it's a design, like, shoe handbag. I think I've heard of that. But I, like, I'm going, like, I'm going to Paris to shop on Thursday, and I went shopping to shop. You're going to Paris to shop. Well, and vacay.

Like, I would go to Paris to drink wine. Well, I'm going to drink wine. Of course you are. Yeah. But shopping, I'd be, like, too overwhelmed. Like, I just want somebody to send me something, or I want to, like, see an online store and be like, sure, I like that. But never in my life will I go out of my way to shop.

Never. Yeah, I go to Europe to shop because the dollar is good right now with the VAT tax. I mean, that's cool. And I like that. And you freaking love it. So great. But I'm like, okay, I'm trying to think like, because everyone does spend their money in certain places. It's funny.

I have the same conversation like with my girlfriends. Like some of my girlfriends will like eat expensive meals or like maybe it's drinking good wine. I could spend money on meals. Okay. I would totally, I went out for dinner with friends and I wanted to take care of everybody and I dropped like $800 just on a meal because I wanted to do that. And I would never do that because I'm like, that literally ends up in the toilet. No one's your $800.

I'm like, there's no denying. You actually are very practical. I'm like, I'm going to have those Valentino booties for probably three winters. You know what? I kind of respect that point because maybe that's just smart and I'm just so here. No. I would definitely eat an $800 meal if someone else paid for it. And I would be the one to pay for it. So do you want to go to dinner something? I would definitely drink, like, yeah. I would drink ridiculous wine. So see you at dinner tomorrow night. I hope this podcast has pockets. Oh, my gosh. Don't you miss that, though, with the show? Yeah. Like how, oh, my God, we ate and drank so well. You shocked me because after you're like, oh, so did you like to shop the airports again?

at things. And I was like, what, no? And you're like, what? You're like, yeah, they you just get whatever. And like, I'm like, what, no? We used to drop a grand at Kiel's every time we went to any airport. What's Kills? Kills is like the face stuff. That's not her. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, skin care. I will spend money on skincare. Okay, there. We found it. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Hands down. Facial care. Yes. There you go. We found your thing. Yeah. Okay. There it is. Yeah. We would like go to the airport and like just drop a great. Because, you know, the airport shops like you could only find some sometimes you're in a random country yeah but there was always

a keels yeah okay i totally know what you're talking about now yeah i e l maybe there's a weird h thrown in there somewhere except after h and keels but i remember that i was like didn't you get so much stuff at the airport and you're like what i was like like candy or magazines i was like no like keels and like you're like no i didn't ever spend their money and i'm like if i could go back and do it again i would not do it for love and i would do it for all the free stuff i would do it for spa alone. Yeah. I would do it for a spa. I'd get so many spray tans. I'd, like, go shopping. I did a spa every place we went to, every country. Because we were in Europe, and, like, we

were in France, and I got, like, this Clarence facial. That was, like, $600. Would they, would be the bachelor again if they asked you? No, I don't think I would. But why not? I know, but, oh, no. Because it's hard. Yeah. I don't know. No. You're a little jaded, as am I, even though I found love out of it. It was a hard experience. It comes with a lot of repercussions. I just don't know if I would find a guy on that show. But that's what I'm saying. You go for this boss. True. But now that they know that. Yeah, we already put it out there. But like, the more that I look back and think about it, I'm like, would I really find a guy on that show? But then again, like, what am I finding here?

Yeah. I'm telling you, I do not. I don't think. I don't know. If Shom didn't come on that show, I'd be screwed. And I would be like, oh, I don't like, no way. I would never do it again. I wouldn't find a guy. But now having that, I'm like, you should totally do it if you could again because what if you find your shoppy? True. But then I'm going to like, I'm not going to look as cute as I did. Like, I've aged. Are you kidding me? For that show.

No, Andy, I'm going to smack you. Woof. Bring back the one piece is. Do you say woof? Yeah. That's one of my favorite terms. Oh, my God. My girlfriend and I are always like, woof. Wolf is one of my favorite terms.

But I'm laughing sorry because I'm like, I think you are cuter now. No offense. It's a lot. But here's what I'm saying. You are so independent. You're killing life. You're doing everything right. You are.

I really know. I don't know about killing life. You are on your second freaking book. Sometimes though, I'm like, am I, have I become that woman that's like so unaccommodating? And I'm like, someone's just going to have to fit in my world. So what? You are in such a perfect spot to find somebody because you're so good with yourself and you're so independent and you're so, like, don't, you don't need a man. I don't need no man.

I want one. But I want one. That's the best spot to be in. Yeah. And the guy that does come into your life will fit in because he'll be doing his own thing. And that's what you'll love about each other. I hope so. Dr. Caitlin. I know. You should do like a little therapy session. I'm okay with that. I could save a lot of money. I feel like I talked to my girlfriend last night. We went out. No, night before last. I went out for dinner with my girlfriend. Oops, maybe I shouldn't say her name. Ah, whatever. She loves it. Wait. Wait. Wait. How funny would be a it bleeps and you're like, I went out to, with my girlfriend, bleep, I'm going to do that. Asshole. I'm going to start doing beeps. Yeah. She was like talking about certain things about a guy. She's like for like eight years. And I was just giving it to her straight.

And she was like, thank you. Yeah. And I really feel like I've got some good advice. But I'm at a point where I'm like, I kind of hope no one comes around anytime soon. I need like another six months to a year. Oh my gosh. That's perfect. Of like fun.

We're doing one more thing. We're skipping questions because they were all like, Bachelor. I feel like we touched everything. The next book drops January night. Exactly. We've touched on everything. So the next segment, this is all we have time for. I hope it makes the cut. Because it's my can you not segment, which people love. Okay. So I thought you're a vet New Yorker. I'm a rookie New Yorker. So I'm going to say my can you not's about New York people. And you're going to say your can you knots about touristy people. Oh, okay. Okay. So like, here's my example. driving that's it can you not can you not no but the driver's like I get serious car sickness and every Uber I go in it's always like right or right or a skier

yeah yeah but can we not settle down in the honking or like can you not? I'm like can you not stop at a yellow light yeah okay can you run through it see because I got somewhere to go you're a New Yorker oh so that's yours can you not stop at a yellow light oh oh my god nothing pisses me off more than when a driver stops at a yellow light oh that's so I'm like, run that thing. Okay.

Can you not? People running into the streets, even when cars are coming and they have like baby strollers because they're in a hurry and they just want to look out and see if a car is coming because they're not they're going to run across the street. Can you not? You're scaring me. I mean, I can't argue with that. Am I supposed to like...

See, and your point would probably be can you not stand back on the corner like a little Canadian saying sorry to everybody. No, I do. When it says the person walking. I will say, I don't like when I see the nannies crossing the crosswalk when the hand signed. And I mean, where I want, like you can tell all the nannies. To me, if you're a nanny pushing a kid, I don't care if there's no one coming in a mile away.

It's not your kid. No. Wait for the walk sign. Yes. So you're on my side. Yeah, yeah. I am. Okay.

Can you not nannies? Like, I can run, but I have no, I've got nothing to lose. Well, you got a lot to lose. So can you please be careful? I'm worried about you. Saying, I'm not pushing another kid's, you know, another kid. Right. It's your own life.

It's your own life. Got one like to live. What about the smells in general? Can you not? But New York's smells. I'm like one minute I'm smelling a kebab or something and I'm like mm into like sewage I don't know what you want to say like it's gross don't tell me you walk down the street and smell sewage and think can you I think you develop like a lack of aromas okay that makes sense you just get used to it yeah I mean like how about yours can be can you not complain about the smells welcome to New York yeah like you have eight million people living like on top of each other in two mile radio is like gross yeah so great so great it's gross you're also though how many people like you're in a big

apartment building yeah okay so you're having a different experience am i i i i'm gonna give you the keys when i'm gone to my place it's just in a quieter neighborhood it's different thank you please i'll farther commute you'll be fine on the train i don't once i learn the train i'll be totally good oh my gosh um yeah no that's pretty much all i had wait so what is the case so you're Like, you come here and you just like, can you not? Yeah, just, well, certain things. I mean, everything I do in my life, all, like, airports, like, can you not? I got so many can you nots for the airport.

New York. I have that with, like, when my friends come here, though, I'm like, can you not? Yeah, that's totally fine. Like, when my friends come and they're like, oh, my God, let's head up, like, all the sample sales. I'm like, can you not? Perfect example. Okay. Yes.

Like, and they want to, like, go do, like, the tourist site saying, like, can we go see the Statue of Liberty? You're like, can you know better than that. But, I mean, like, they'll come in, like, bell bottom flared jeans with chunky heels and, like, a floral crop top. And I'm like, can you not? Like, you're not going. We got to change. I'm like, black on black on black. I was like, okay, I learned that's very New York.

I wore that out for my dinner two nights ago. Yeah. And my girlfriend was like, wow, you're very New York. I wear black, I black, I black, I black, black, black, black, black, black, black. Okay. There's different shades of black, though. Yeah, I were at all. Just kidding.

I was like my jeans were faded. My top was new, so. But, like, when I moved to Vancouver, it was very trendy for Canada. Yeah. And everybody's in, like, big scarfs and booties and blah, blah, blah. And I was, like, straight out of LaDuke, Alberta, which was so funny. And I was like, oh, well, I'm wearing a lime green shirt. So I better wear lime green big hoop earrings and lime green flip flops.

Oh. But that's how my mind worked. My mom still does it. She matches everything in her outfits and she's so cute like that. But I was like, okay, well, I better wear a big lime green this. And, like, I matched everything. And I'd wear jeans skirts with a sweatpants skirt underneath and fold the sweatpants skirt. How was a sweat pant a skirt?

It was, like, sweat pant material. So cotton. Yeah. Folded over a jean skirt. What? Yeah. I don't even. I'm not sure what I was.

Yeah. But, black on black on black here. But black on black on black I can totally get down with. Yeah. And it's so easy. Yeah. I'm totally down with that. So that's perfect.

Perfect example. When people wear shoes in my house. I'm like, can you not? Okay. I thought that was so American. and I'm Canadian, nobody wears shoes in the house in Canada. Have you seen the dogs that pee on the streets here? Just the, I mean, everything.

I guess it depends on the city. And putting a handbag, like, on a table. I'm like, can you not? Oh, I do that. But you won't in New York. Like, I'll put my handbag on the bathroom floor of the airport and then put it on the table. I eat that and be like, so. Can you not, though?

Yeah. Perfect example. Oh, my gosh. Andy, I hate that we have to end this. We, well, you know what this means. We have so much to talk about. Part two. When your book comes out, part two.

Part two. And then we can talk all about your book. Oh, my God. You're going to have to read it, though. Good luck at your audio tomorrow. I'm sorry for wasting your voice. It wasn't good to begin with. We didn't get to questions, but here's mine.

When you see the Pillsbury Doe Boy and he bends over, what do you see? Tell me. Donuts. Oh, my God. Where do you come up with this? I don't know. My brain's a weird place to live. I liked the tight seal.

Yeah, that's always good. I heard that before. Well, you get me jokes. Yeah, of course. I've got a whole book. Did you, like, write them down? Yeah. I've written them down since I was like 19.

I need them. Okay, I'm all about it. Someone asked me there today for a joke. I was like, I have no idea. I've got like, in my notes. My brain is a weird place to be. You'd want to like get in for five minutes and then get out. Yeah.

We should make a pill for that. Same thing with my notes and my phone. Yours are good. Yours are like writer or like deep stuff. Mine's like jokes, um, chirps, funny comebacks, movie quotes. And can you not. I'm like, oh, that'll be our next. Oh, on part two, we'll do notes roulette and I'll just go through your notes and have to read one.

Oh, my God. I'll delete them before that. I have 38 notes. I've no idea what's on any of them. Well, I'm giving you now a heads up. Okay, perfect. Andy Dorfman, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to New York, Caitlin Briscoll.

Probably my favorite podcast. That's why we need part two. I mean, I do this all the time, and everyone I'm like, this is so good. This is so good. I mean, we just had dinner basically without eating. And with wine. Yeah, exactly. Sold.

It's my kind of dinner. Part two. Next up, tequila. Part two will be sipping tequila. Okay, I'm going to find a tequila place for us because I just got into it. Done. Okay, guys, that's all the time we have. I hope your wine glass is empty like ours.

Bone dry. And I hope your heart is full. Mine is clear. Mine is clear. We are in a good place. You know the drink. If you don't want to miss an episode, go to podcast.1.com, download the Podcast One app. Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, rate and review.

I'm Caitlin Bristow. That's Andy Dorfman, and we'll see you next Tuesday. Bye. Toodles. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Download or listen to new episodes every Tuesday on the Podcast One app or subscribe on Apple podcasts or at podcast.com. And don't forget to rate, review, and share.

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