Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Ari Shaffir | Hookup Disasters, STD Etiquette & One Messy Confession!

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

#815. We’ve got the always unfiltered, always outrageous Ari Shaffir in the studio, and trust us—this one goes off the rails. From his unhinged post-date texts to his brutally honest take on bachelorette parties, Ari does not hold back! He also shares the time a girl got sick mid-hookup (in his rental car, no less) and breaks down the proper way to tell someone you gave them an STD—because apparently, there’s etiquette for that? Oh, and his most shocking confession? Let’s just say it literally became a neighborhood crime. Buckle up, because this episode is chaos in the best way!! If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! Quince: Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince! Go to Quince.com/vine for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Wayfair: Give your home the refresh it needs with Wayfair. Head to Wayfair.com. Wayfair. Every style. Every Home. Bellesa: FREE TOYS OR GIFT CARDS FOR TOYS! Everyone who signs up to my giveaway with Bellesa wins something! Go to: https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/offthevine-podcast Spade & Sparrows: Use code OFFTHEVINE to receive 15% off your first order at www.spadeandsparrows.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming ontario i'm katelym bristow your session is now starting a white film welcome to the welcome to off the vine i'm your host katelym bristow and today we have a wild one on the podcast a fearless comedian if you will uh i feel like you're a storyteller with no filter no filter no It gets me in trouble a lot.

But it also makes people laugh a lot. It makes people laugh. Then after it was like, why did you say that? I'm like, oh, is that the line? I'm sorry. Yeah, I can't see lines. Do you hear people audibly gasp sometimes in your shows? Yes.

Like, oh. And I'm like, oh, yeah, you're not wrong. Well, you've also been on the Joe Rogan experience. Yeah, a bunch of times. We're really good friends. He really helped me along the way when I was starting. Really? That's nice.

Really fearless on stage. You into conspiracy theories? No, that's just him. Okay, got it. My big conspiracy is how do I, of, Get Joe Rogan away from these during normal table conversations. And I'm like, Joe, I've heard this one before. You told it to me the last four times we ate.

I bet. I bet that's what it is at all time. Well, you've had your own Netflix special. You're hitting the road for your farewell tour, which apparently is the last time we're going to see him until 20, 27. It's so spooky, but also it's like, no, I'm just backpacking. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'm just going to have fun.

Well, thanks for being here. I love New York. Are you born and raised there? No, I moved there after 10, 12 years in L.A. Oh, yeah. I was born there, but we moved when I was a baby. Yeah. Did you love, hate L.A.?

Love, hate relationship? What was it? When I left, I still loved it. And then I went through a period, same with God, actually, of, like, hating it after I left. And now I'm like, oh, I'm seeing some benefit in this place. Really? The burritos are great. The weather's great.

It took a hike February 1st. Yeah. It's like weather like this. I feel like it's once you remove yourself, you kind of appreciate what it is. But you also see all the vapid, the vapid, like, humans of Los Angeles who are were just like, who are, the aesthetic is, they value just all the wrong things. Oh, it's wild. You know?

It honestly. The actor world, the influencer world. It's all just like. I already struggle so bad with that. So I go into L.A. and I'm like, my body dysmorphia and face dysmorphia just goes through an all time high. Yeah. I'm like, but New York's kind of like, New York's like cool, pretty though.

Like, everyone's like cool. But you also have some like intelligent like sevens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Who leave after you hook up. They go, well, I got work tomorrow.

I'm like, oh. Oh. I never had that. before. Yeah, that's nice. Ooh, intelligent sevens. I actually think that's, isn't there a scale that somebody did where it's like on a scale of one to ten, a girl should be a three on the crazy scale and an eight on the hot scale. Yeah. And like a seven on the intelligence scale. I like this. There's an LA myth of like a super cool, super hot chick. Yeah. It is possible, but it's not likely. Like a rare gem. Yeah. A hidden rare gem. But when you find it, you appreciate it so much.

It's only like the formerly fat. They got a chance. They started doing their juice cleanses in L.A. Yeah, but they like got some like coolness to them before they. That's how I grew up in the smallest town where like in Ladook, Alberta, just outside of Edmonton, in Canada. Yeah, I'm Canadian. I love Alberta.

And I feel like it really like shaped me into who I am today. Like I, I feel like I. La Duke. I don't even know where I was going to go with that. think I might have, I was about to get cocky and I'm going to reward that. Cool girl vibes from La Duke and then like, yeah. Like I got humble there and I really built a personality and then I got out into the real world and I was like, okay. Oh, I can use his face for a little bit. Yeah. It could turn into just radio and not cameras, but for now,

I will work with what I've got. Okay. What part of, oh, do you, I don't know if you like saying it, but do you like, what part of New York do you live in now? East Village, Alphabet City. Oh, so you're, oh, so your podcast. Do you, do you have a podcast? You'd be tripping. It's a travel, travel podcast. Cool. You like to travel, huh? Love it. What is it about traveling for you? It's the new. It's a discomfort.

Yeah. And then it's like how it shines light on your own culture and your own way of living where you were like, I didn't realize it was a different way to do it. Yeah. That's L.A. New York was the same thing. Like, okay, there's more options. Totally. It's actually crazy how different those two places are. I always think, too, like, Hawaii in the States. In the U.S. It's way different, right?

It's a different country. Where's your favorite place that you've been where you're like, these people get it? I mean, like, Southeast Asia and South America where everyone says, like, good afternoon to you when you pass. It's just a standard. You always say, like, good afternoon, good morning. Yeah. You just always do it. I spent a week, I got back from Southeast Asia.

I spent four months there. I spent a week in New York trying to get someone to say hello back to me. Wait, let's talk about you. Like, comedians always make, like, they're my favorite people that have on the podcast because I love people that are undercover, not not that you're undercover funny, but so like quick-witted that I don't see it coming. And then I'm like, ha-ha, wait, that was really funny, actually. You got to be in the mood for the laugh.

If you're not looking for it, it just seems mean. That's kind of my sense of humor. Yeah, nice. I've said this a million, trillion, billion times. But on my season of I was on The Bachelor, I thought for sure I was going to be the villain because my jokes are like mean. But I get myself in trouble for my mean jokes. but I think they're hilarious.

Yeah. And I was like, the jokes were not landing with the girls in the house. And I was like, oh, I'm going to be the villain. There's this thing after like a first date when, you know, you text afterwards, check in if it went well. Yeah. And if the chick is like, that was really great. I really loved it. Would a fun time.

And you all sort of, it's obvious. Right. And you go, I hate it. I hope you kill yourself. Listen, any cool girl, I'll be like, that's ridiculous. That's funny. And then one out of like, one out of five, you'd be like, what's that supposed to me? And I'm like, oh, this isn't going to work.

That's how you know. That's what I said. With The Bachelor, he was this farmer. I didn't know what his sense of humor was going to be. And out of the limo, because he was a farmer, I was like, well, you could play on my field any day. And I was like, if he doesn't get this, send me home. I want, you got to figure it out right away. Can I see a question about that type of show?

Please. Are you more susceptible to fall in love because cameras are on? There's so many things involved. One, cameras. So you're like, well, I can't be the girl that's just like. I'm actually not into him, because then you're going home and why did you go on the show? Yeah. But then there's the manipulation of producers who are also like making this person seem like they are God's gift to women.

So they're like brainwashing you to think. Oh, you buy so hard into it. Then I'm a competitive little bitch. So then there's a bunch of other girls where I'm like, well, now I'm competitive and I want to win, which people don't like when people go on for the wrong reasons. I had a bunch of reasons. I was, some were wrong, some were right. I was just there for the experience and I wanted to fall in love, but I was like, this is fun, just go travel on TV and I don't know.

Where they send you? Iowa. Oh, whoa. Oh, was the farmer ones? Yeah. But I did get to go to Bali. I did get to go to Bali. On batch or stuff?

Yeah. Oh, sick. He dumped me in Bali, but I got to spend a full week there and I was not mad. I was like brainwash and then as soon as I got out of the like bubble, I was like, oh, did I even like him? You see women crying when they're set out first. Yeah. Well, that's because they're drunk.

Okay. They could be on their period. They're drunk. I'm so emotional at a certain time of the month. And also you're up for hours. So you don't sleep for, you're like locked in a hotel for days. So you don't sleep. So you're already going crazy.

Then you don't have a phone. You can't talk to anybody. Then you go in and from, I don't know, probably 8 p.m. You're there until 8 a.m. and then the like pressure of everything and everyone's drinking and then all of a sudden he sends you home and you're like nobody loves me I'm a piece of shit and now everybody in the world knows it is that the rose one yeah do you keep the rose like for life do they give you a rose when you're off they give you a rose when you stay oh oh oh oh yeah I would like dry

it out and keep it if it was the off one I did for a while when I lost it I know I know the guy that I picked on so then I became the bachelorette so I got to hand out the roses. The guy that I picked kept all of his roses. And then we didn't work either. But I wonder if he still has him. I wonder if Bali's a good place or a bad place to get dumped in. It was a spiritual place to get dumped in. Yeah. Yeah, you can really connect with that. Yeah. I like Gwen had a good cry in the Indian Ocean. Well, that's fun. Yeah. That's fun. I mean, it is paradise. I got to eat some really, really good heartbreak food. I got peed on by a monkey. It was great. Got peed on? I did.

I like to say that's good luck Is that good luck? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. You try saying that and they're all like, no. They're like actually, they just pee on people's. No, right on Tuesday's good luck. That's not a, that's on our list.

That's really not a thing. And I'm like, shut up. I just got dumped in a sarong with my hair and a bun. Leave me alone. But yeah, that shows crazy. See, dump you early or late in the trip? So, okay, this was the best part because I was the first to go. So I had my first date.

There's three girls left. I had my first date. So I got to go for the full week. So while the other girls had their day. I got to just enjoy Bali. Wow. So then towards the end of the week is when they then went back to, I think, Iowa, and I had to go home. But I got to have a week in Bali.

It was. It was amazing. What a cool place. Yeah, it was. It holds really special memory in my heart. I always say I want to do a tour where I go laugh in the places that I once cried and Bali might be one of them. Take it back. Yeah.

Take my power back there. I like that. I feel like Bali is a good place for that. Wait, don't you have something against Not the show, Bachelorette, but what is your take on Bachelorette parties? Don't you have something on... Yeah, they're disgusting. Like penis straws?

Are you public with what town you're in? Are you living? Yes. Yeah, Nashville is a Bachelorette town. It's like second wife, second marriage bacheloretts too, which is even worse. Oh, shit. It's like 38-year-old women. All their friends are like, we get to party one more time.

Yeah. It's like bars with like smoke and lasers in it and like nine people. Yeah. Playing cover songs. It's just so tacky Do you, how do you feel about penis straws? Listen, I'm all about dressing up for a thing But I don't want that around me

Yeah, they'll do it at your, at your cabin somewhere Yeah, maybe a cabin, I'm just so anti-penis straws I'm like you guys Also, have you never seen a dick before? Yeah, come on. You guys aren't virgins I know, everybody asks like it's one last hurrah You've been taking that dick for years

And like half the people I'm like, I know you cheat So what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Oh, my gosh. Are we putting that away for the weekend? The amount of TikToks I see when it's like, if this is your man, I'm so sorry. People are now just like recording guys in bars in Nashville,

like on a bachelor party, like just talking somewhere? Dancing with a girl. And I'm like, God, nobody's safe anywhere anymore. Nobody's safe. Nobody's safe. I got scolded once. I saw somebody drunk passed out on McDougal Street. And I was like, went to tape it.

And David Till was like, don't, you've never been drunk like that. Don't record that. You're right. You're right. Okay. Let's get into your tour. The big one. Okay, the farewell tour. What's going on? Are you actually disappearing until 2027? Yeah. What do you mean? Go traveling. I'm going to sell all my stuff.

Tell me everything. Well, give my most of that stuff. My stuff's not worth anything. IKEA is not made for moving. You're giving it all away? Yeah, I'm going to put the, where are you going to go? Backpack through either Asia or South America for like a year. Okay, I love this because you're going to, you're on this tour. You're Nashville right now for your tour. And is this part of the farewell tour? Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. Go through April. Well, what inspired this trip? Like, I mean, I think we could all use a mental break and go and go off off all.

Are you going to be on social media at all? Nope. So the last time I went, I locked myself out of everything. So I changed my path. I went like this to change my passwords. It's not a like quick time. It's not like a week vacation. A year and then it'll take my six months to get good enough to like sell tickets again.

Okay. But yeah, I'm hoping to be completely free. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's a short life. It really is. I want you to work for forever, but.

I always thought. My parents were lying to me when they said the older you get, the faster time goes. And even though I'm older now and I'm almost 40, I'm still like, no, this is, there's a glitch. Like, it shouldn't go this fast. Yeah, I know, right? When you're a kid and it's like a week till Christmas, you're like, that's going to take a year. Wait, are you going to have like, you should get like a social media? You should get a flip phone.

I've had one for a long time. I just got back to a smart run and it sucks. Oh, wow. What is having a flip phone? Like, what's the best part? Not having social media? Total, like, pay attention. of people.

Yeah. I was with Nikki Glazer before she hit kind of big, just comic. And I was like, well, I wouldn't be talking to you, Nikki. We're like friendly, but I'd be on my phone. Right. And now here I'm having like a full discussion with you. Right. This is not entertaining me at all.

Yeah. Yeah. Flip phone will not entertain you. Does it have snake? It had snake. I could do that. Once you master snake, though, get a full screen. I think I did master snake at one point in my, in my Nokia career.

I just really get it. I really liked that game. But then I'm going to have like episode. I'm like 30 weeks ahead of my podcast. Whoa. They're all evergreen. You'd be tripping. So it's all like whenever it comes out, it comes out.

So those will come out every week. I do think at one point in my career, though, I would like to have a flip phone for and see what my mental health does. You can always go back. Always. Always. Really? Yeah.

You would need to like do stuff from your home. Yeah. And then so like New York, it's hard. I would just find people like, hey, do you know which way so and so is? Yeah. And they'd be like, I don't have a flip phone. I'll take a step back. I'm like, all right, let me help you.

You just find it. They're like, are you homeless? Marks, yeah. You learn Empire State Building's North. So I got to go that way. Oh, I'd be hooped. What? I like, oh, that's Canadian.

I like figuring. Yeah, the son, you figure that out if you're in Ladoque. Yeah, no, we don't see that. Oh, right. Well, summertime. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. But I honestly feel like I try to not rely on my ways and Apple maps because I'm like, no,

figure it out. Caitlin, you've lived in Nashville for eight years. Yeah, you should know by now, right? I should know by now. but I will never be the girl that knows which way north is. I don't even know where the sun sets. Sun's always in the south. I'll forget that tomorrow.

Okay. Yeah. Sun sets in the south and... Southwest. Southwest and rises. It's always on the south. So it's like you're here and we go from like the east to the west but below you. Oh.

But then summer it's maybe get right above you. It's too confusing. It's too confusing. I'm like, what do we carry compass? Do you like meet girls? on the road do you like doing that i feel like you know musicians people that travel like to meet people what's your dating life like i i've had over the years they've been like a couple different versions of it either show some skank which is also fine or like you ever do like a week long girlfriend

of course yeah i mean or boyfriend or whatever i did do that or anything yeah and they're just like let's hit it off for a while i had a fling at bonneroo one year fine it was like let's be a boyfriend and girlfriend for five days what and then nothing and then see you we met up one It's one more time in like St. Pete. Oh, that, God, when you get on the same page as someone, it really, and the same page to be able to say goodbye at the same time, clean slate, toodaloo. Sounds nice. I was there for a comedy festival.

Yeah. And she was in grad school there. And it was like, went out once and then went out again. And she's like, don't have a festival fling? And I knew what that meant. And I was like, yes. Yes, I do. 100%.

Show me around this town. That's funny. When did you really start blowing up as a comedian? Little by little. Yeah. Probably like 10, 12 years in. Wow. Yeah.

So there's a lot of like miring and mediocrity for a while. Like the grind. Yeah. It's just the grind, but it's also so fun. I mean, you have a really good following on social media. Uh-huh. Is that like overwhelming? Do you like it?

Because I feel like comedians sometimes back in the day, I guess. You could have just a low profile and go show up and say the most inappropriate shit, where now you're like, Uh-oh, social media. It's a little weird. So, like, before, when I started, you could talk about, like, family members or loved ones. And it's like, it's fine. Nobody's listening.

Right. And now it's like, oh, this might get back to them. Because you never know what's going to go viral either. Yeah. Yeah. So then it's like, oh, am I allowed to share this about someone else's life? Yeah. I try to change names sometimes.

Oh, I should just do that. If I am dating anybody, if I'm like, you just talk by them differently. How did you meet your new girl? I don't know. I just met her. Oh. Is this new? It's been over.

It's whatever. Do you have like a type? I like, no, I like girls who laugh at my jokes in the right way. That turns me on. Yeah. No, I don't have a time all over the place. Yeah. Like, like all sorts of different types.

Oh, great. What about you? You like athletes? I like hockey players. Yeah, the hockey players get all the tail in Canada. Yeah, they do. Too much. Actually, it turns them into really bad people.

Yeah. Yeah. They fight. They're just tough. They're kissed up since they were like 14. Here's, I have a theory. I think this might go for a long. of athletes though. I feel like hockey players always come from good families who like always took

them to games and they were like, you can't be poor doing it. Yeah, you can't be poor doing it. They always show up. They're like supportive. They literally have like the families. Yeah, they should be good people then. I think they are and then I think they get a little too big for their bridges and then they go backwards. Yeah. But they've always got good senses of humor. I feel like they always come from a small town humble beginnings. Yeah. They're hard workers and they've got great butt from skating. I like a shelf. I like if you can rest a drink on a butt. Yeah, nice.

And they've got that few missing teeth, hot. A few missing teeth for sure. Broken nose. I've never dated a guy with a good nose. Because of that. Oh, they're always so beat up. They're like, that's fine. Just some stitches.

No big deal. Yeah. Oh, I'm kind of turned on by it. I know. Yeah. They really, they just, yeah. I mean, it's a little different now because I have dated a few. Now I get around them and I just feel like I can like,

I can hang and I feel like I'm one of them almost like I'm like I get your game and it doesn't turn me on anymore that's good I see through it I see through it as you see a direct line to where it's gonna go yeah like oh this is gonna be non-stop fighting me hating myself for giving another chance yeah and then I'm probably you I don't know if you're good enough to stay in the NHL I might have to move to Germany and live that again yeah I'm I can't do it I got a life to live over here but you got to get a predator but I know no no I think I'm over the Predators.

We got someone on the prowl. Now I really like nice guys. Yeah. They have to be funny, nice, and want to do something good in the world. Oh, I want to do something good. I'm funny, but I'm a cuck. So, yeah, I'm an asshole sometimes. I love that word.

I'm not the guy for you. Well, all that, like in dating you are? No, I'm pretty nice boyfriend. I'm a terrible ex-boyfriend. I'm a terrible ex-boyfriend. Like, because you'll use them in your comedy skits? I just, no, I'm just like a bad, I'm just like, I'm just like, I It gets so butt hurt.

Oh, yeah, I do too. Over the years, and I'm just like, I can't just be like, let's get over it. But do you get butt hurt, or do you remove yourself and then see so much toxicity that you're like, how did I do that for so long? Yeah, you ever find somebody who's like, a chick will be like, oh, whatever the boyfriend's like, I don't, I hate him. I think he was gay. I'm like, wait, so what you're really saying is you dated a gay guy for three years.

Like, I don't think you realize what you're saying. I think I did date a gay guy, actually. He was a ballet dancer. That's for sure gay. or just maybe really bisexual. Okay. Like 98% bisexual. Yeah, because I crept him on Instagram

and I think he did have a girlfriend for a minute. Yeah, beards. They do it once in a while. Yeah. I clearly don't have a type. Ballerinas, hockey players. Yeah, it's all over the place. That's all over the place.

You don't have a type, huh? I don't. I like chicks with tattoos. Do you really? That gets me. Like bad girls. Yeah, like full sleeves, the leg stuff, the thigh stuff.

Oh, shit. What is it? Because you know they like want to. I don't. no. I mean, there's definitely some clues. Like, if you see any chick who smokes, not a virgin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, if they smoke, they f-

Yeah. That's a good one. There's no sleeve of tattoos virgins. No. You know. That's true. But then also, like, sometimes, like, style really turns me on, like like, she's not my face type, but chaparone, I'm like, I'm some, she does something to me. Really? Yeah. She does something to me, too. Really? Yes, I'm obsessed with chapel.

You should go by with chapel. Okay. Chapel. I'll chaperon you. I'll chaparone you if you guys needed to be safer. Lamb socks. That was terrible. I liked it, actually. I mean, I did pity laugh a bit because you're a guest on my podcast. Thanks.

Yeah, laid into it. I'm just kidding. Yeah, she's wearing a deghast, like, dressed with a fucking jellyfish in her head. Yeah, she pulls it off. And she's like, edgy and historical at the same time. Like, she's like a piece of history. Yeah, I don't know. There's something.

I agree. She's almost like there's something mysterious about her. Yeah. White House, too. Like, I was the first to say, she's ugly. Love Amy Ryan House. I'm like, but then eventually it was like, ooh, that style.

Oh, did you watch her documentary? Or even the one where somebody played her, that was really good. Was it good? I didn't think it was going to be a watch. You know when you watched something on a plane and you're like, I know this is going to be bad? Yeah.

That I did. And I thought I was going to fall asleep. Loved it. Did they do that scene where they show them coming up with a song? Yes. Yes. What was it? Was it?

Back to black. Interesting. Yeah. It's like, what? Say that again? it's so dumb it's so dumb you gotta go to rehab Amy no no no

that's like that song you know I think her name is Sarah Borellas well of course I know Sarah Borellas but I think she wrote the song I'm not gonna write you a love song you know that song I'm not gonna write you a love song because you ask for it it was because her writers told her she needed to write a love song

and that's her response yeah that was her response And then she's like, oh, I want to make that a song. That's cool, right? Do you think Travis Kelsey every time he, like, leaves dishes in the sink or does anything because it's going to be a song? Yes. As soon as we break up, this is all fodder for songs. You're nuts, Travis Kelsey. Her track record is there.

I thought the same thing. Anyone that dates her has to know that every detail is going to be in an album if you break up. Because that's what makes her storytelling so brilliant is her specific stories. And she's like, I'm only tapping into the heartbreak. I'm not tapping into the good parts of them. So they're going to get the raw deal on this. But it's like, I mean, you talk about talking shit about a guy on a podcast, bad. Writing a top five hit that's there for generations.

Yeah. For billions to hear. Oh, my God. That's why Travis changed. He's on his best behavior now. I've never, I partied with him one time. Not the Travis we know now. He's a fame whore.

He really wanted to date someone famous. I really wanted him to be interested. But he was not. He was not. He looked right past me. I was like, really? Yeah. I think he was interested in one of my friends though

And I was like damn it that makes sense Athletes don't like tiny girls Athletes want to breed other athletes So they want tall athletic women Not tiny little drowned rats Unless you're so big Like Shaquille and he'll always had like 5 foot one inch There was always pictures of them up to his waist

That's the kind of girls he'd date Yeah and then you see somebody put a picture up of like Like the end of his bulge And it was like here to here And they put it right against her and it was like here to here. They couldn't have sex because she died? Oh my God.

You'll be in the other room and still do it. Shaquille O'Neal is a, I saw him in person once and I was like, the, blah, like, how? It's crazy. It really, NBA player is the size of, well, some, I mean, not hockey players, but football players, basketball players are next level huge. Yeah, they are monsters. Hot, sexy, rich monsters.

Um, what do people like expect when they come to your kind of comedy show? What is your, it's, it's filled. Yeah. Yeah. Are you ever scared about people canceling you? No, it's happened so many times. Oh, I feel like we're kind of past that culture, like, especially with comedians. I feel like people tried to take down comedians so hard.

But now they're like, no, this is why we like comedians. You say what other people can't. Yeah, yeah. The Gen Z's great. Gen Z's like super into comedy. Really? They understand it. Gen Z's like, they saw the airs of their aunts and uncles.

And they go, we don't want to be that mean. We don't want to be that angry all the time. Oh. It's not everybody, you know. But like, you're a millennial in some things, but not in others, you know. So you're a filthy comedian. Yeah. And when you're offensive, the point is people go, oh, but still be having a good time.

Right. But then three white chicks will usually leave going, this is not a good time. And you're like, it's not for you. Somebody should have told you don't. Yeah, I was going to say, do you get offended if people leave your show or are you like, this clearly is not for you? It's not for you. It's like, listen, I'm trying to entertain everybody. I'd be super happy if everyone had a good time.

But if you don't, that's also funny. Yeah. What is your, like, big, audacious goal for the future in comedy for yourself? I want to keep making specials. Yeah. I want to help other comedians make their specials and help them find their, like, paths. You know, I've done this longer than some people, so I have a ability to help them. Because you had a Netflix special.

Mm-hmm. That's crazy. And then I also produced my friends with Netflix special, like, a few months before that. Wow. Yeah, we got Louie to direct it. Cool. Yeah, it was just like, she couldn't do it on her own. So we just had to pull her by the hair and, like, make her do it.

Yeah, just beat the shit out of her. But then it felt cool like you're helping her make something. Yeah. You're like a part of it. I want to do a documentary. I don't know what I'd do. Really? I want to make one.

Yeah. About what? I don't know. I think I'm like, I live so many different lives. It would have been way more interesting to watch in my 20s. Now I'm kind of boring. About LaDuke? About yourself.

About myself. Interesting. I, like, my girlfriend is always like the amount of lives you've lived. I have some crazy ass stories. like things that I have signed NDAs for that I can't even share with the class crazy stories and they always happened to me through my 20s into my 30s

You drank? Do I? Did you? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's how you get stories. Drank, dabbled in, not heavy drugs. I cracked my tooth two weeks ago on Molly. Oh, I was grinding so hard.

I know! Yeah, it was good Molly, bro. It was pre-pandemic Molly. I found it in the freezer. It said Mandy on it. And I was like, wait, when is this from? This is like 2019 You can freeze Molly

I don't know I was in there by accident That's where I put my mushrooms Allegedly And then I was looking for And I was like oh So you tried it out Were you alone?

No I was with a chick It was gray hit her in 10 minutes Which was like I'm like no way And then it hurt me in 15 It was so smooth and good Really? And then you chipped your chew

And it wasn't chipped It was cracked all the way down I had to get to the dentist The next day What did you say to your dentist? Dennis I said I don't know what happened Dental Tech

they're cool her I told Got it Yeah Why dentists aren't cool They'll judge you They went to a nice college Yeah

They're like good people They're like They drive beamers and shit But dental techs are trash That's funny Yeah You can share drug stories With trash all the time

That's true They're probably like I've been there Yeah exactly I understand That's funny I love that I thought it was too much sugar

I'm like no no Maybe but that's not the issue Wait I saw something online the other day Where they can like tell if you just recently gave head or something dentists could tell. What? Yeah.

What? Yeah. Look this up. Look this up. Can dentists tell if you? I know they can tell if you haven't been brushing. Or flossing. Yeah.

My favorite is that meme when people are like, the dentist is like, when's the last time you flossed? And you're like, bro, you were there. It was like, last year. Yeah. You were there. My dentist is up. I'm like, I floss every day. She goes, well, let me show you.

She went like that. I'm like, that's blood. Yes. She says yes. How? Because you suck their dick. That's how they know. interesting right if you're a dentist and you know you know your patient just blew somebody do you mention

it do you like dance around it and like hey just fuck with them a little bit small talk like what were you doing earlier you got a boyfriend now or just a rando yeah anyway did you uh rinse did you have liquid marshmallow today what was this stuff called um fluff fluff yeah Me, fluff earlier? Only if it bruises. Oh, God, damn, Max Hardcore Blow Jobs. Okay, no things. I literally, I'm not just saying this for shock value

was at the dentist today. I wonder what they thought. What's up with the, okay, a woman's point of view, the gag thing. What about it? I hate a game. Yeah, I'm not into it, but it's in every porn, so I feel like every chick now is like I should be doing that.

No, porn is what's fucking up everybody's sex life because they think that they, and then they're faking these, and certain things that they don't like just because they think guys would like it because in porn guys like it. Porn ruins everything. Expectations are wild. Make your own noises, ladies. Yeah.

Make your own noises. Your unique noise is the right noise. Yeah. You don't have to do what the... Let loose a little, but... Let your freak flag fly, but don't try and like... Yeah, no, thank you. What?

Honestly, I have like a fear of throwing up, so that would never happen to me. I won't. Actually, the other day, about eight days ago, to be exact, I have... I had a throat swab because I thought I had strep throat. I didn't. And I, she had to do it three different times because I was like, I'd pull her wrist out of, I'd be like, and I'd be like, don't do that to me. And I'd like, my eyes were like, I was like crying and she's like, I'm so sorry.

I have to go back in. And I was like, no. So that clearly would never happen to me. Have you ever thrown up during sex? Have I ever what? Thrown up during, during that. Do people do that? One time, it's just chick, I was in the backseat of a rental car.

We're just, it was, I mean, it was, I mean, it was nothing mouth related. And it was pretty hard. And she just barf. She was like, I had had sex in a while. And she was like, I mean, she was pretty embarrassed. Yeah. But I was like, it's a rental. I don't care.

Was she drunk? No. It was like nuts. I was like, what is that? She goes just been a while. I've never heard that excuse in my life. Throw up. Sorry, it's been a while.

Yeah. Were you like. Doggy style? Oh. In the back of a, I don't know. Well, congrats to you, sir, because clearly you went into her guts. If your throat's too far down or her lungs are, yeah. I'm like, I want to come to your show tonight.

Is this the kind of stuff we're talking about? She was so embarrassed, but I was like, this is legit cool. Don't be embarrassed about this. If that ever happened to me, I would never speak to that person again. Agreed. You shouldn't. Oh. I get why you should be embarrassed, but I'm telling her not to be.

You thought it was cool because you're like, yeah. Crushed it. Yeah. Like, I really gave it to her. Did she talk to you after? Once, and then it was like, I was too embarrassing. Oh my gosh. That would be like, I would never have sex again if I threw up.

That's, I drink, like I like drinking. I have my own line label clearly. And I have partied in my days and I've never thrown up in my life from drinking. Not once. Superpower. Superpower. Not once. I think once or twice in like, I think I was 19. I got the spins but I have still no barf no barf and I'm 39 so everyone's like oh you just wait till

in your 30s you've done it nope I don't know about puk and rally I know all about it but I haven't done it wow yeah that was do you just sit with nausea and not release it I don't get nauseous I also don't get hung over super wow I think it's my Canadian liver I actually just I have a rule don't try to keep up with Australians 100% don't try to keep up with them and I'm like not I'm even bragging. Like, I'm like, this is just like a crazy fact. I'm like, you have to go, you have a hard out because you got a show tonight anyways, but. It's not that hard.

What time is your show? 7.30? 7 to 7.30. What do you do to prep for it? At this point, nothing. Do you have beverages? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So I don't know. It's a one show night tonight too, so I'll be, I'll be tying it on. That's nice. Because sometimes we'll be back-to-back shows. And I'm like, that's got to be. What do you think the crowd's going to be? Have you done a Nashville show?

I love it here. Oh, you do? It's got a misconstance. There's a couple cities that have real misconceptions about them. Yeah. Salt Lake City is one. Oh, for sure. Because what do you know about Salt Lake City?

Mormons. Absolutely. They're not coming to the shows. Yeah. So the ones who are coming are so anti-Mormant are so sick of it. And they're probably implants from like somewhere else too. They all, if you get out of Mormonism, full sleeve instantly. So everyone's like, oh, Nashville's like Bible Belt.

And you're like, no, this is a music town. It's hookers and drugs. Yeah. Every biopic or biopic about any Nashville star, it's all hookers and drugs. Yeah. They're cool people here. They're cool people. I've been to a few comedy shows in Nashville.

I've actually performed at Zanies before for a podcast, not like stand up. I'm always like, oh, is this crowd going to be weird? And they never are. They're always a good crowd. And if they aren't, you just can call them out from being like, what are you f***le bell? Yeah, you know, I feel like. Yeah. And then they love that too.

But people who show up to a comedy show, I feel like they're kind of like, you got to, you know, there's a certain type of breed that like that shit. Yeah, for the most part. For the most part. It's when people who don't know, they sign up or they can come for a different reason. They hear about something and they're like, oh, it'll be great. I'm like, oh, it's way worse than that. Right. Why do I have in my notes proper STD call etiquette?

Do you have an STD call etiquette? Yeah, it's okay. So this is speaking for someone who has done it wrong. Okay. You can't text. it's like a breakup you can't do it over a text yeah you can't although these days i heard people can because all the relationships are only on text pretty much i wouldn't be offended if someone broke up with me through text i'd be like how many dates in are we talking about a year in yeah a year in they

could text you like i don't want to do this anymore no way honestly i don't know i hate it depends if i was like obsessed with them or if i was like okay it depends i'll say a pretext like hey i'm gonna call you we got to talk get your mind ready but if somebody was telling me i had an SDD and they text me I'd be a little mad. Yeah. But also then how do you make the call? Do you go right to it or do you go, how you do? Especially.

Now you go right to it. You haven't fucking a while. It was like three weeks ago. And then like, I'm not going to call them again. Like, now I have to call them. Okay. So you think the etiquette. I'm on my end of it.

If I'm getting a call from a chick who I haven't. Yeah. How would you like to receive that call? First of all, I've never gotten that call. Okay. You've had to make the call. Yes. But I think there's definitely.

There's definitely someone I've hooked up with that has gotten an STD within five months of me hooking up with them. So I should have gotten that call. Wow. People just cowards. Never have I ever had an STE either. Nothing? Not even chlamydia? The warning shot of STDs?

Not even chlamydia. And I got around in my 20s. Nothing. No hangovers, no STDs. Do you think you're immune from herpes? I used to think that. Maybe. I never got it.

But I used to think like when you hook up with like some bad people in a row and you're like, I should have got it. Surely. Like, how if I not? Surely I've got it. I might be the cure. What do I got that nobody else has? Yeah. That's funny. Okay, etiquette.

So you got a call. I think you got, I mean, we're brainstorming here. There's no right move. Oh, okay. You got to call, you got to how you, but then you got to get to it. Yeah, you got to get to it right away. If you did too much small talk, then you're like, you didn't tell me on the phone for 20 minutes, didn't tell me that? Now is the thing that you found out after and now you're giving them a heads up?

Or did you know while you hooked up with them and you were. Oh, no, no, you can't. I've never done that. Okay. I've never done that. That's bad. I've never done that. Okay.

Yeah, like, what do you say even? It's like, hey, you always say like, it might be this, even though you know it is. You know? It's a really simple fix. Give it some outs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What's the right way? What have you seen that has been the wrong way? Ah. Yeah. So you had to do it. So what was the response?

I did send a text once. And it was with a check. We talked about how you can't send a text, but I was driving and it was going to be another five hours. I was in and out of the mountains, and I was like, hey, I don't know if you're going to hook up with anybody tonight.

You should not. And she was like, you really sent me a text. I'm like, I just had to get the word to you. Oh, wow. I was going to follow it up. It was wrong.

But I mean, you're in the mountains. That's always my excuse to when I'm like driving and I have like a call that I don't want to do. I'm like, I'm in and out of the mountains. I might lose you. And you just hands on the thing.

I love that. I might lose you. I'm going in and out of the mountains. I'm like, I'm in the mountains. I have a booth behind you, if you will. It's called the confession booth. Oh, boy. We're going to follow you in there with a camera.

Oh, this is the, this is the reality show shit. Where you have to talk straight to a camera. Talk straight. Do you get a sense when you're on those things? Is it sort of like you lie to yourself? Like no one's here, so no one's going to see this? Yes. That's what it felt like.

I remember sitting in front of all these cameras. And then I remember sitting in front of one specifically, a producer's here, one camera here. And I'm thinking they're just recording this and then somebody watches it later. Then I hosted that same show and I saw the control room. And I was like, holy fucking people watching. They have rows and rows and rows of people watching your every move. Even when you don't think of cameras on you, even when you're just sitting there talking. When you're like, maybe the guy was on his phone.

I could have picked my nose. They're watching everything. And so now I'm like, what did I do like you can hear everything even if people do this and they cover up their microphone you still hear everything the hot mics must have been so you must have gotten so used to the mics that you would have hot mic stuff all the time all the time okay so you have to give us a confession okay what do you mean what's the confession just share something secretive something like really embarrassing that's happened to you before like the the bang in a girl dog

cell and she peaked would have been great would have been great yeah yeah but something like that you're like well I've never told this story before or you're like I've told the story before but it is a good one I've been it's embarrassing okay okay I got you that's all we do is comics is like I figure try to reclaim the embarrassing moments all right well if I have to confess something this okay I hope this I'll get back to whoever it shouldn't so when I was uh younger and not young enough maybe eighth or ninth grade I was walking home from synagogue it was an orthodox Jewish kid it was walking home from synagogue and it's like a 10 minute walk it's not even that far bro it diarrhea comes when it comes and it came hard and i was like trying to clinch and i just wasn't gonna make it it was like

another five minutes to my house i just wasn't gonna i'm just like i'll get there picking my pace and then i realized i wasn't going to make it and my neighbor who we were friends with i mean it's down the end of the street they had this row of bushes so i went into the row of bushes and i just i'm telling you i couldn't make it and i just shit on his house i shit on their on their parents house and there's a difference what I've learned in New York between a human shit and an animal shit

and it's just you just know they don't get confused so anyway I did it I used my underwear to wipe and then I threw that in another neighbors one I didn't know into their trash can

and then I went home end of story except the next week in synagogue the rabbi had to say hey guys just so you know there's been a hate crime in our neighborhood and I'm not going to say

the name of the people but there was an anti-Semitic hate crime where someone defecated on their house and everybody was like well we gotta do something about this anti-Semitism and I was just like we sure do we sure do because that's the only

possibility of what happened and I'm up touch regretting saying this right now because I mean I'll still get in trouble for it I hope my parents don't listen to this all right that's it God sucks where can people find tickets

to go see your show before you disappear off. Ari Shafir.com. Yes. My podcast is you'd be tripping pod. You can get that anywhere. You be tripping is funny because you talk about trips. Do you get high when you do it? Sometimes.

Rob Lowe came in. Can we smoke a cigar in here? I'm like, bro. Yes. Who is it? Rob Lowe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, amazing.

Yeah, the place smelled so bad for like a week. I didn't get like 20 of those stuff for the fridge, whatever they're called. Thank you Sotas. But like it was so worth it. Yeah, of course. Oh, my God. If Rob Lowe asked to smoke a cigar in here,

I'd be like, please. please, I'll smoke one with you. I don't even smoke cigars. Yeah, I kind of have to. Snoop Dog, I was 18 years old at an underage concert, and his uncle asked for me to come backstage. Nice, lady. You know what that means.

And I didn't, well, I didn't do anything? Yeah. But they were like, do you want to smoke weed? It means you're hot, though. That's what that means. I was like, okay, 18-year-old Caitlin, and I smoked a blunt with Snoop Dog, and I was 18 years old. That rules.

What a story that is. Cool, right? And I have a photo somewhere, but I like that. I'm like, I can't pull it up on my phone. I don't need to prove it. I know it's the truth. I had one on a disposable camera. I had a diamond on my tooth because that was cool when I was 18.

And then I left because I was like, his uncle's really creepy. That was trash. The diamond of the tooth. Trash, for sure. Yeah, LaDuke, Alberta. Trash. Oh, you don't. Okay.

Yeah, I know. I knew. I also was like had my tongue pierced. Oh, yeah. This one I don't like the little piercing up there. It's like you're going to hang your keys on or something. Do you still do that? I had this pierce.

Right there, yeah. And then it like clipped my gums and I had to get gum grafting done So that wasn't cool. That was cool. I smoked out of Willie Nelson's bong Wants his chicken somewhere at Dallas. Yeah, she goes,

I got a bong from Willie Nelson And she's like, do you want to come back and smoke? I was like, yeah, that's so cool. Is that a pickup line though? I guess we did hook up. And then condom, we were responsible. Yeah. At some point it fell off.

And I was like, all right, whatever. And we're done. She's in the bathroom. I'm like looking for it. It's in a sheet somewhere, whatever. And then I just hear it from the bathroom. What the, ew. Oh, no.

Oh, there it is. It was inside of her. Oh. Oh, no. Yeah. That's rough. Yeah, it's rough out there. Chicks have a tough life.

I don't know how you guys do it. But thank you so much for coming on before your show. I know it's. Yeah, this is cool. I was saying earlier, I'm like, it's so much, if somebody asked me to do a podcast before I had to perform, I'd be like, no, thank you. No, it's good warm up. Oh, great.

Yeah, for me, I just try to be conversational on stage. So this is all, like, great. Oh, great. you up. What, you lube me up? I'll live you up for the show. You're welcome. Exactly right.

Okay, well, good luck at your show tonight. Thanks. And for the rest of tour. Yeah, I'll be over. I'll be in Calgary. Hey, thanks for the invite. Oh, you guys are both invited. I'm Caitlin Bristow.

Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating a movie. Thank you.