Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Big Little Feelings: Parents, You're Not Messing Up Your Kid

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Kaitlyn is joined by a dynamic duo (complete opposites yet the perfect match), toddler experts, and the creators of the online parenting community, Big Little Feelings, Kristin and Deena. With over 3 million Instagram followers and the top-charting podcast on Apple Podcasts, these ladies share how it all began, navigating the wild ride of managing both motherhood and building a successful brand. Big Little Feelings provides a space where you can ask honest questions and get support without feeling shamed or judged for not being the "perfect parent." From intentional parenting choices to embracing imperfections, they discuss the highs and lows of parenting, offering realistic advice and actionable tips. From public tantrums to potty training, tune in for some real talk about the messy, beautiful chaos that is parenthood. This episode is a reminder that you're not alone, you're not failing—you're f*cking crushing it.  Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: HATCH — Go to Hatch.co/OTV to get $20 off and free shipping!  OUAI — Go to TheOuai.com for 15% off sitewide when you enter promo code VINE.  PROGRESSIVE — Try the Name Your Price® tool at Progressive.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. go to audible.ca slash jane austin to dive in. Off the fly.

I've a lot of moms who listen to this podcast, so I feel like everyone's going to be so excited and I bet most of them have heard of you because big little feelings has become a big deal. You guys have over 3 million followers on Instagram and a number one podcast on Apple Podcast. Now, take me back, rewind. How and where did this all?

start. Well, Kristen and I met in high school. So we've been friends a long, long time. And I mean, from the start could not be more opposite from each other where I was like the nerd in the front row who always had, you know, their homework done. And Kristen was always in detention. Like, never going to class. But yeah, that's how it started. So you started off as friends. Did you become parents around the same time? Like, how did it, how were you like, I'm going to take this to the internet? because to me, like, the shaming that happens on the internet with parenting is so terrifying. And I know a lot of people feel like everyone puts their best foot forward on Instagram. There's a lot of, you know, shaming if you don't do this.

And everyone wants to like not be shamed, of course, because that doesn't feel good. So you're putting out all this stuff on Instagram to be like, look how great we are. But you guys kind of keep it real. And how did you decide to do that? So big little feelings came after we were friends for so long. We were just like, you go do your thing. You go do your thing. I had my first baby and then the second baby, so three and one, right when we started big little

feelings. And Dina is and was a renowned child therapist in L.A. I could go on and on about how brilliant she is and like incredible in the therapy space, didn't have kids yet. And so I found myself really texting her. We were both hyper obsessed with this way of parenting her as a child therapist and me as a mom. And we both just kept saying like, there is nothing like this out there. There is nothing like this out there. And that meant both the advice, like, that's practical and realistic. I just couldn't find it. But also on the other side, what you're saying, where it's like,

mom pages made me feel like shit. Like, I felt like the shittiest mom in the world. And I knew there was something missing out there for moms that had to be better and had to be more real and authentic and less shamy. The proof is in the pudding, I always say, with over 3 million followers and celebrity moms that follow your accounts. Like, it clearly was a space that needed to be there on the internet for people, which I love. And as a brand, like if somebody asked, how would you describe the big little feelings brand?

What would you say? I feel like it's a community, really, for parents, for toddler parents, preschool parents. But really, anyone, a place where you can come, you can celebrate wins. You can ask, like, really honest questions and get support, like, a back rub after one of those really hard, long days. Yeah, I love that. My sister follows you both. And I already know that as soon as I have kids, if that ever happens, like, bleh. Like that's, to me, that it seems like a community. And I feel like moms and parents in general really need that sense of community. And that's where the internet can sometimes be such a beautiful place is when you have that. And I know you're both mothers yourself. But how did you manage being parents and building a brand at the same time? Because I know that takes a lot of work. was a lot of work a lot of it i mean dina entered entered her motherhood journey when big little feelings was born like she came out to denver colorado where i was i had a three-year-old and the one-year-old like we said and literally we took this little trip for two days to dream up big little feelings and on that

trip she took a pregnancy test and was like uh and she was pregnant so she literally no way entered her motherhood journey let's do this yeah starting this crazy business oh my Gosh, that's a bit, yeah, that's a big job to take on. And did you grow it like truly from the ground up, like not knowing or did you have a strategy and plan? I just feel like a lot of things kind of can happen organically in a certain space. But sometimes it takes a lot of work. Was it kind of both for you? It just happened organically and you put in all the work. We truly started from nothing. We sat and we dreamed up. We were like, okay, what do we need? like what do people need because this this resource this community it was like so lacking and we could see

it so clearly like as a busy tired parent you just need the go-to of like what do i do what do i say when my kid is face down on the floor or they're refusing the potty like what do you need and that's kind of where we came from you also need like the brevity and the humor and a little bit of entertainment and like i'm i'm bored i'm just going to be honest i'm bored i feel bad listening to somebody talked down to me, give me advice, right? So we had the laser focus vision, but we did not have, like, we never had a celebrity boost in the beginning or a marketing strategy or a plan. The only plan was to just show up day in and day out as if we were already really successful, as if we already had three million followers watching us, as if we already were making the business

of our dreams every single day, even though we had nothing. Like that was our real only plan. Exactly. And to truly be ourselves in a. space where like not a lot of people were doing that. It makes you not feel great, honestly. But it was a grind. It was definitely amazing and also a ton of work. When did it start? What year did you start this? In 2020. Yeah, the little trip that we took was in January 2020. And then we just fully committed. I need to know where you took the trip because I want to go there and brainstorm something big. It really was like really, it was not as glamorous as it sounds. Like a very, very cheap Airbnb in like a random suburb of Colorado where I could leave my kids but be close and like

it was the least glamour. It went to Trader Joe's. We were drinking like two buck chalk. Like there was, it wasn't as glamorous, but in the moment it was very, it was beautiful though. You know, we were outside at a wine shop just dreaming it up. I cooked us dinner every night. Oh, you did. We watched Netflix. Wow. It was really romantic. It was great. That sounds inspiring, romantic, dreamy, and also shitty at the same time. I love. Yeah, in the best way. Right up my alley. Yeah. In the best way ever. I love it. What are some reminders for moms or caregivers out there who are trying to build a brand but struggling with balancing at all? Do you have advice for us? Does anybody have any advice for us? I feel like balance is

an illusion. I wish we could all get it. I really do. And sometimes when people are like, you can have it all, have the right up, have the right schedule. It makes me feel worse. Like it makes me feel like, well, am I doing something wrong? I mean, The best piece of advice that I think I've ever gotten, and this could be just in motherhood or this could be in both, which is there are glass balls, there are plastic balls, and you can't juggle everything. So which balls are going to fall to the floor? And that's sometimes just a day-to-day process, my friend, where it's like, I'm out of hours.

I got to go be with my kids now. Like, I'm done. I agree. You have such limited time and energy. And honestly, I feel like it just changes with the season of life I'm realizing. like even me as a mom right now three years in versus year one. I'm like it's totally different. Yeah, me included, one of my best friends has a question for you both, but I'll get to some questions from listeners in a minute. I do still want to talk about a few more things like

people choosing right now to not have kids. Did either one of you have any hesitations and why is there so much shame around that decision for women? That's very interesting. I can only speak for myself. For a long time, I knew I did not want to have kids. Like I was certain. Really? I did not want to have kids. And that was only because I came from not a great home. And I knew it was always my thing. I was a bad kid. I was going down a bad path. And I was like, I'm not going to have another. Like I'm not, I should not be doing this. And there was a certain point where something big happened in my life and there was a shift and we turned, turned right. I mean, the judgment of having no kids, like it really, it made sense why before I was able to go to 10 years of therapy and heal and be ready to jump into parenting.

I shouldn't have had kids at that time, right? There's no shame in being like, either I don't want them. I'm not ready for them. It's not for me. Like, it doesn't have to be for everybody. It's true. And I feel like a lot of people, like it's starting to be more of the conversation. And there is no one right way to live life. If that is your truth and that's what feels right for you, then that's great. Like, that's great. There should be no judgment. Yeah, parenting is such a big job. I feel like, like it's such a big job. And I think our parents, generation, it was like, well, we, let's just do this. It was just part of it, right? And, like, the kids will come along. And now we're just like, wait, like intentionally do, is this a good

choice? And I love that. Exactly. And the flip side, since I was 16 years old, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Like, I was looking forward to being a mom so badly. That is the thing that gave me life, like even from a young age. And that's why I became a child therapist, by the way. It's just that drive. Dina's all of our moms, by the way. She will cook. you dinner. She will take care of you. If you're a little sicky, she'll, like, rub you. Come here, she's always been the mom of, like, the friend group, which is like, she's baking, baking all the time. You're in Colorado? Yeah, I moved out to be by Kristen, yeah, a few years ago. Dang. Okay, I want to come visit you because I just love, I love that vibe of, like, a nurturing,

like, mom vibes. My mom had that, so I was really lucky. She was always, like, that nurturing mom and, like, a really incredible parent, which was really nice. But that was going to be my next point of being that fear around it up. And I remember somebody telling me, you know, everyone's going to fuck up their kids. It's just to what degree? And I was like, well, that doesn't help me at all. But what advice do you have for those people that are like, you know, like you can't be a perfect parent? And is that something that you really showcase on your podcast and Instagram page? Yeah. I think that's like a huge thing to touch on, by the way, because right now in this world with social media and just there is so much pressure to be the perfect parent. You're making perfect

meals that are totally balanced. You're doing amazing activities and teaching your kids from a really young age, everything. And I think that is a recipe for disaster and burnout and anxiety and depression. And really, we shouldn't be aiming for 100%. Like 80%, 70%, that is what we should be expecting from ourselves and not holding ourselves to like this crazy standard. Well, and like it's also nuanced too where it's like you aim for 60, 70% of what works for you, by the way, like what Dean is saying, where it's like, I have to have a perfect meal. And then also I saw something the other day was like, you have to show your child that you dress up in the morning where your child will never value themselves and their self-worth.

And so there's so much noise. I don't cook food. I will never cook a morsel of food. and a lot of us might feel a lot of shame over that, or you're a shitty mom or you're a bad mom. I like a cleaning. I'm not the cleanest, but you know what I'm so good at?

I'm great at, like, getting on the ground and playing with them. I'm great at, like, messy activities. I'm great at, like, I'm great at so many things, and you can't be great at everything. And social media with that pressure makes you feel like you should be. And it's like, just release all the shit that doesn't work for you in parenting.

You don't have to be like everybody else. And then, once you realize that, Also, you're only going to hit like 60% anyways, and that's good enough. And you're human. Like we all at some point run out a bandwidth of what we can deal with. After a long day, there's a lot of crying and tantrums and pushback. And like, you can only handle so much. And we're all going to kind of lose it sometimes.

We're going to yell. We're going to say something we regret. And we just have to know that's part of the parenting game. And then when that happens, we just shift into repair. We get down with our kid. We apologize. We own it and teach them how to repair and say sorry through it. And then just focus on, you know, the next day.

I think that's a really important thing that you just said is like, how do we repair? Because, I mean, this happens in all relationships in our lives, whether it's at an office or with a parent or with a sister or a sibling or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or partner, whatever it is, it's the little rips along the way that don't get repaired where it blows up. And you can do that with children too, you know, where how do you actually get down and get on their level and show that you yourself can apologize and that you are human and make mistakes? And do you believe in, I think I know the answer to this, but do you believe in the parents apologizing and saying when they're wrong to the kid? Yeah. Oh yeah. It's a huge part of it.

Like you said, you can think about it from the kid, but sometimes it's helpful when you think about it like yourself or like an adult. When someone apologizes, let's say my husband apologizes to me in a sincere way, by the way, it's not like a like, well, you were just being really bad. So I yelled at you. When he is like, listen, earlier, it wasn't you. You did nothing wrong. It was me. I was triggered. I'm so sorry.

What that does for me as an adult is take the shame off of me. All the way leading up to that was like, God. did I do something? Did I do something wrong? Did I make him mad? Am I doing this? I'm, I'm racking in shame. And so you're rewriting that story for your kid when you do that. A kid, especially, they're making everything about themselves. That's where their brain is at. So they're going to bed that night and going like, God, I was bad. I really made me mad. I really did this. You're rewriting that story before they go to sleep to go, oh, okay, mommy's going to work on her big feelings. It's not about me. Start again tomorrow. Exactly. When you get down and you just say,

like, you know what? I got overwhelmed. I yelled. That's not your fault. That's me. I'm going to work on that. I'm sorry. That probably made you feel really scared and not great. I'm going to work on not yelling when I have a big feeling next time. How amazing. And you're showing your kid, by the way, how to be a human in the world, because they're going to make mistakes. And they, you know, deserve love. And we can be a loving family even when we all make mistakes. And we're still growing. That's such a good point. We all I mean, until the day you die, you'll make mistakes. And it's all about how you learn from them and talk through them. And how do you combine teaching them about being human and owning up to your own mistakes as an adult while holding space for discipline for the kids? First, I was thinking too.

I was like, sorry, I got lost because I was like, God, I'm still working to. It's so much easier for me to, like, show up and say sorry to my kid and have compassion for them. And it's still so hard for me to do when I make mistakes. So that's like definitely something I'm still working on. You just had that epiphany right now. I did. I'm like, whoa. I was like, oh, sorry, I'm back in the room now. I'm like, oh, wow. Oh, wow. Okay. Discipline. So I think that we're talking about two different things because when we are disciplining, the true meaning of the word discipline is to teach. When a teacher is at school, we would be horrified if a teacher at school was like, how dare you get this wrong? Get in your room, right? And so we're thinking of two different things

where as we approach discipline, we're ideally disciplining in a calm, confident way. You know, they're not ruffling us. They're not, we're unfazed and we're just like, hey, it's not okay to hit. I'm putting the truck up here. We're giving a consequence and separating the two because then on the other side, when we mess up, and I literally just did this morning, even if they did something wrong, it's more important that it's my job to be able to stay calm in that moment. That trumps everything. So even if they did something wrong, we're going to go ahead and let the repair part of it trump everything, because no matter how bad you are, no matter what you did, I shouldn't have yelled at you. Point blank. A hundred percent. And when it comes to little kids

in their brain development, by the way, when we come in hot, when we come in intense, it shifts the way that their brain is working where they actually can't even learn. So they can't learn how to do better when the emotions are really heightened. Yeah. Isn't that the truth in adult relationships, too, where if someone's yelling at you, you kind of want to go offline and not even listen to what they're saying, where if they are present and really speaking from their heart and what's hurting their feelings about the situation, you listen more, you understand more.

And it's just so interesting that, you know, it's still, that applies to kids as well. And obviously want to make the most out of this podcast for the moms and caregivers who are listening so you are experts i'm saying it what would you say are the most common challenges that you get asked about on whether it's the podcast or online i would say the number one question that we get is like a heartbreaking one which is am i screwing my kid up am i messing them up is like the number one kind of like fear that we hear because we all love our kids so so much and want to raise these great humans and it's like it's a variety of of topics is how it will come in like it will be a question about screen time right and it's like

hop up up up up screen time and then at the end it's all not always but most of the time it's this common theme of like did I mess them up like was it too much do it did I do it the wrong way right melt their brain any any topic the underlying thing is always like and did I ruin them like was that the wrong thing to do that's that's the most common probably and what is your response to that no you're not ruining them at all like this is you know parenting comes in so many flavors and varieties and you know what's best for your family and we are all growing through what we grew up in like the way we grew up really impacts how we show up as a parent or what triggers us and we're all doing our best in growing through it and for the record if you're following a

an instagram page that's devoted to parenting and then you're so you love your kids so much that sliding into the DMs and you're probably a great parent, right? Like, you care a lot. You're, you're doing great. Like, I'm sure you specifically, if you're, if you're doing, like, you're doing awesome. 100%. That's a really nice point. I like that. How, I don't know if there is an answer for this, but how much time is the right amount of time for screen time with kids these days? Yeah, I mean, there's like guidelines from research and it depends on the age. Honestly, you can look it up. And the, you know, World Health Organization has some guidelines. But, Honestly, you know, then there's real life and sometimes we're going to go through chapters with screen time where it becomes this amazing tool.

Like, for example, when I had my second baby, I was in a space where I had to put on some screen time because the opposite, the other option was I was going to totally lose it and yell at my toddler. And to me, that was worse. So I was like, you know what? We're going to lean on that screen time for a little bit and then we'll get back into rhythm in a little while and it'll be okay. I like that. That's fair advice as well. And I mean, there's a lot of first time parents out there that are also probably listening. Actually, my assistant who is here right now is literally on standby for her sister to go into labor at any moment. Oh my gosh. And I think, you know, it's so excited. And I think a lot of people just feel this overwhelming responsibility, obviously, that like you live so selfishly your whole life. And then all of a sudden, you're home from the hospital with a life and this responsibility that you are just, it's terrifying and somehow you like it's it's like you don't trust your own instincts when you know that you know this is your child and you created this and what you do is going to be your best but what advice do you have for first time parents i think it's exactly that but you probably have to figure

it out in your own time i wish all of us i think the number one advice i got was like listen to your instincts listen to your instincts and i'm like what instinct i'm just worried like i'm worried all the time. I don't know what you mean, you know. And so I think it's, it's always a learning curve and you may not even be able to find those instincts. Hopefully you do. And once you do, hold on tight to those. Like nothing anyone else says is going to matter. And I think if I could look back, the one thing I would say to myself is you yourself, not just your kid, you're going to evolve so many times over this motherhood journey where today you feel like co-sleeping is the best thing for you, but then in six months you start a new job where you're just kind of touched out and you realize, you know what,

actually I would like to start putting you in your bed. And when I say co-sleeping, I mean like older kids, just to be clear, or, you know, breastfeeding or formula, like you, you are going to evolve so many times and there's so much pressure to be like, I'm this kind of a mom where it's like, just figure out what works for today. And like, this might change tomorrow. Take the pressure off. It doesn't have to be forever. I totally agree in the newborn stage and like becoming a first time parent, especially there's just so many intense conflicting, you know, ways to do it and shaming like you kind of brought up at the beginning. And really there's, there's no one right way to do it. You have to find what works for you. Right. It's kind of like that mentality of if you're,

you're going through a hard time in life, let's say. You kind of sometimes have to take it day by day. if you're in a really rock bottom place, it's hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. And that's kind of a mom mentality that you can take as well. Like as long as you are doing your best trying to keep your child alive and give them the best care and love. And, you know, like there's really no right or wrong. The only wrong would to be if you're not trying to keep them alive, but obviously nobody's doing that. So it's almost that mentality of hour by hour with how you parent and how what your style is. Or that I guess that's what I'm getting from this.

But when I think back to becoming a mom for the first time, if I could have kind of a redo on something, I think I would have more consciously strategized with my husband because that's what really threw me. We just kind of didn't know how to parent together. Like we thought we were so connected and so prepared and we can handle any tough times that come our way, but we really didn't have these deep conversations of how to support each other or how to divide up duties like who's going to be taking care of the baby how are we going to go back to work at the same time what's it going to look like and then we really got into this like

tough tough space of our marriage where you know it was hard i can't even imagine how hard that part would be and i'm glad you brought that up because i think it's interesting to think about it as it has to be a strategy and you have to talk about it and it almost has to be like like become a job between the two of you that you want to like let's say your empire and your two business people you want to work towards the same thing it's kind of thinking of that with your with your child and i just think like you said you could have the strongest foundation in the world and then you have a child and you realize how your parenting styles may not mesh and that creates a lot of resentment and build up too because you don't have time to go back and like focus on your

relationship because you're like i'm tired what would help is sleep right now and then you get up and do the, you know, parenting thing again. So how, I know you kind of said it, but how do you mesh parenting styles with another person? What do you think the best strategy is to do that? Yeah. I mean, it's so interesting. You have two people often coming in with totally different childhood experiences that they're bringing to the table. Right. Sometimes they mesh and sometimes not. And I feel like having the conversations is so helpful. Therapy, bless therapy. Kristen and I stand by that has changed our lives. That's what's transformed. formed my marriage, like the struggles we're talking about, we're finally starting to make a little

progress thanks to therapy, honestly, and learning how to communicate. I would also say it's not just about different parenting styles, because that also comes in a little bit later. Like when they're little babies in the first year, we're not really, you know, we're not disciplining. We're not seeing, you should still have those conversations. But I think you're, you're so immediately rocked by what you, you were alluding to, which is this job, this empire. and when you can strategize in advance of like what are your strengths what are my strengths so that in advance your partner knows you know what i'm strong at cooking or ordering takeout or getting you water because i'm not going to feed the baby because you are trying to breastfeed all the logistics of every you know what i am good at i'm good at running to target to get diapers so that's a me thing literally strategizing in advance because oftentimes what happens is in the early stages the mother is physically doing the most because they have to be up every two night if you're breastfeeding a lot of it falls and so it's this unspoken it just keeps going where it's like

suddenly she's doing everything so fast when like okay now we're now we're like he's six months like you can do this now right like you can take a bottle but we've gotten into this pattern where we haven't divided up these duties and it's so helpful to in advance literally look at his job What are you going at? What am I going to divide up? Your whole life just shifts. Like your whole day to day when that baby comes looks nothing like it did before that chapter. Yeah.

And the resentment and the tension can build fast. The resentment and all of that and on top of sleep deprivation, which will destroy anyone. So it's just like such a complicated, perfect storm for anger and frustration. And I mean, like you were saying earlier, it's kind of when the kid gets older. too how do you determine with discipline who gets to be the you know you know how they say the good cop and the bad cop and it's always usually lies on the mom for being the bad cop and how do you decide those roles in a relationship i mean i feel like this is like i don't know if everybody i don't know this is the right answer but we like in my marriage we really do treat this almost like a job but

like a fun job and the best job in the world by the way we're like yeah we have we have meetings like we have quarterly big meetings and then we have weekly regular meetings because it's like if something starts to shift a little bit like we're going to jump on this we're going to tackle this and I mean at least that's my answer is like you like it's going to evolve where you start to notice the parenting thing and being like whoa whoa whoa it seems like we're on too fit you got to jump on that yeah I can only speak from my personal experience too at the beginning it was actually so much harder because we were kind of bumping heads my husband wasn't he'll say this totally interested in learning a new way. And it wasn't until later that we started to,

I mean, again, A, he went to therapy. So he was able to kind of sit with emotions and acknowledge them as important more easily. And then kind of like Kristen's saying, we started to have our own version where at the end of the day, we learned how to communicate and be like, hey, let's touch on that moment earlier without him going into a totally defensive place. Because that's really what was happening was a shutdown like anything i said to him felt like okay fine i'm a terrible parent i can't do this i'm the worst you know and it's not that and we had kind of get past that so that we could touch on these moments and just use them for growing so we're making some progress do you think that is the most common parenting tiff is between the two where it's you know the mom feels like

i have to do all this so the dad doesn't feel like they're doing enough and i don't mean to just label it mom, dad, but caregiver parents, it usually feels like they're very common tiffs that couples have in this time. I think statistically, the mental load especially, maybe not the physical load too, because again, when we categorize husbands, they do, I think, tend to feel like, wait, I do do things. Like, I take care of the bills. I take care of this. I take care of that. So I think it's more the mental load is definitely something that I think is such a struggle when it comes to motherhood and separation. I don't know what the statistic was, Dina. It's something like 75 or 80%. And there are even all these, the statistic was crazy about

even working parents where it's like you have two equal working parents and yet 80% of the time almost all of the load is still on the mom. So I think the whole mental load part is the part that most struggle with. Switching gears a little bit because we have holidays come up and having, I feel like, toddlers or kids is supposed to be exciting around the holidays, but I think it would be really stressful. I feel like kids and toddlers are such wildcards, but what do you have for advice for toddler parents going into the holidays? I mean, there's a few we could touch on. Like, you talk toddlers, I think brain development. And that means like fun, exciting things. There's parties. There's events. We're out of routine.

Like, that is a perfect setup for meltdowns and tantrum. So just to, expect it going into holiday season, that things that seem really fun and exciting can also be overwhelming, overstimulating, and we can just kind of expect the meltdowns. It's not personal. Yeah, and also it doesn't mean they're not grateful. I feel like that was the hardest switch for me personally even, because you're like, I did this all for you. Like, this is Disney on Ice. What is happening? It's like Dean is saying, it's brain development. We can just expect it. We can ride the wave. It will come back to normal when we're back into routine. I feel like the other thing too is our mental load, our list of to-does becomes like infinitely

stacked, especially as moms as a primary caregiver in your house. And so with that part, it's kind of like we talked about before, like let some things go. It's okay. It does not have to be perfect. You do not have to do every single activity. Your kids really love the small little moments. Like that's what they crave. They hang on to. It's reading a book with you by the fire. It's watching, you know, this special holiday movie. It doesn't have to be super fancy to be really meaningful for little kids. Yeah, that's such a good reminder. I think kids probably have a hard time showing their appreciation. I don't think kids even understand how much parents do because how would they know they've never been in that position. And, you know, there's that saying once you

have a kid, then you say like, you're sorry to your parents and you have this way bigger understanding for everything that they did for you. So I know, like, even from listening to either my sister, or friends being like it feels like kind of what you said. It feels like I'm doing so much for them and there's no gratitude back. How do you accept that? I'm trying to think because I maybe I just understand it because I'm a therapist. I've never expected my kid at this age at a young age to be able to come up to me and be like, you know, thank you. You do so much for me. That's my husband. That's my tiff with my husband and stuff. That's right. Their brains are developed enough to be able to do it.

You're like, sir, sir, you get it. No, I think both empathy and gratitude, these are skills that are going to come later in life, even sharing. We expect so much at such an early age that truly these concepts are not to be expected at two or three or four or even five years old. The best thing that you can do to teach this is to model it.

So, yeah, your husband needs to come home and be like, hey, babe, thank you so much for making these memories. Thank you for making this whatever. Your toddler comes over and hands you a piece of cheese. You go, oh my God, thank you for this cheese. And that's the best way that they can learn gratitude, empathy is through you. A hundred percent. I mean, that empathy is so true. Yeah, empathy is just really noticing what someone else is feeling and showing that you care. Like it's really that simple. And so when your toddler, your kid is having a tough time and you show up and you say, hey, I can see you're feeling upset. I'm here for you. Do you need a hundred.

hug, I'm here. How can I help you? Like, that goes such a long way. I think it's good to have such simple thoughts for that too, like showing through example and modeling the gratitude, compassion, doing, I'm so big on gratitude and like mornings and nights and like sharing that experience with kids to be thankful for what you have and by, you know, being polite and having manners even to your children. And I love leading by example. I think that's such an important thing in life. And so that makes sense that you would, you know, incorporate that into parenting. So I'm going to get to some questions from listeners. I'm going to start with one of my friends who has just about to turn to and he is the sweetest, most loving angel, but he started going to like a daycare almost school

and he is really pushing other kids all the time. He's shoving other kids and she's so sad because the teacher will be like, hey, he was pushing again today. But when he's home, he's so sweet. He doesn't have other kids, you know, to deal with. So she just wanted to know if there's advice for how she can, you know, work with him on stopping the pushing and if she's doing something wrong, which I know she's not. I can kick us off. But again, brain development is super important. They haven't developed the upper area of their brain, their prefrontal cortex that helps them manage their emotions, control bodily impulses, by the way, and express their feelings or needs in words. That has not yet developed, which is why we see a lot of pushing or a lot of hitting. It's a way to get those

needs expressed when a kid is trying to take something from you or, you know, is too close to you. This is their way of expressing and it's totally age appropriate to start. Yeah. And it's really through repetition at this age where once you understand that, right, our whole goal in these early years are to, A, identify what that feeling is, right? Like, if you're teaching feelings at home, are you feeling mad, you're feeling mad, you're feeling mad, you're feeling mad, you're feeling frustrated, right? And then it's not okay to shove. It's not okay to hurt someone. What are some things you can do when you feel mad? Oh, do you want to tell Tommy? No, stop. I don't like that. Or teaching them, I think our society has taught kids for so long, you just give up your toy. Like, share,

give it up. And that can lead to more anger and just, it's not the best solution. So you can work at home where it's like, hey, if you're feeling mad and you're not done with a toy, say, no, I'm not done yet. And you can break that down into a two-year-old language, of course, but when you can focus to teach him, A, I'm feeling mad, and he can identify that himself. And then B, what do I do when I feel mad? That's where it happens. And as the parent, when you're trying to do this stuff, your guiding light is all feelings are okay, sub-behaviors or not.

So the feeling is okay. We want them to be able to name it. We want them to be able to sit with a big feeling and be okay with it. Because when you try to push it down and you're like, anger is bad, anger is bad. You never learn how to deal with it. Anger is a natural feeling and we want to learn how to let it out safely. And that's what we do at home. We just practice, practice, practice.

When you're feeling mad, what can you do? Let it out in a safe way. Wow. The combination between the two of you is so perfect. I get why you have millions of followers. It's so real and so honest and also just like, brilliant and I love it. I'm like, okay, I'm going to have you in my, move to Colorado when I'm invited. What about potty training? Do you have any advice for potty training? Oh, yeah. I mean,

we've got a whole course for it. Yeah, it's a big thing. Yeah. Oh my gosh, where can people find that course? You can find it on our website at big little feelings.com and it is, it is a game changer. It just walks you through the before, the during, the after, like get a step by step of how to do this thing. Because there's a lot of potty training advice out there. I think that's why it's so hard to answer this question. Like potty training, what do you feel about it? There's so many different methods. And what's nice is that this one course, it potty trained 150,000 kids in one year. Okay. Like it, yeah, which is, it works. Like we agonized. There's research. There's, oh, did you know when you potty train that comes with a lot of tantrums and pushback? And suddenly

your little angel is very different. Like, we thought of everything, put it in there in a really simple easy way it's all there for you tell the website one more time big little feelings dot com and i'm sure you have so much information on there as well i might even ask more questions that you're like check out the website i think you said something about a tantrum and you know that's obviously bound to happen the kids don't understand where they're doing it they just have big feelings and they need them to get out so how do you handle a public tantrum oh yeah the public ones that extra tinge of sweat Yeah, that's triggering even for me, you know, where like at home, I'm like, I'm cool, I'm even. I've done the work. I'm got it. And even for me, the in public tantrum is triggering.

Dina, take it away. What should we, what should I be doing? When it comes to tantrums, we want to do our best to come into the situation, calm and confident, right? We can handle big feelings. Feelings are part of life. It's not going to shake us. We are so confident. and we can acknowledge our kids' feelings. Like, that's how we kick it off. We're going to okay those feelings and let them know. I see you. I see your feeling sad.

I see your feeling really frustrated right now, and it is okay to feel that way. And if needed, we're going to hold the boundary next and be like, you know what? It's okay to feel mad, and it's not okay to hit. So I'm going to help you stay safe, right? Safety is always number one. And then later, after the tantrum is done, because that, again, is when their brain, can take in new information and can really learn how to handle those big feelings, that's when we're going to teach them, okay, next time your sister hits you, instead of shoving her to the

floor, what can we do? What can we do together? Yes, you can come over, you can say, I didn't like that, or please don't touch me, or you can move away, we want to be able to practice. With the ones in public, I think what's hard is that, you know, we can't be standing in a target or in the middle of whatever, maybe there's a dance recital or a performance and scream and scream and scream. And that's the hard part because we're like, okay, all feelings are okay, but also like, I'm standing here and we can't just let this happen for 45 minutes. I think it's all about the approach, right? Where it's like, I'm here for you. And if, you know, we're going to, I'm going to sweep you up. We're going to go to a safe, quiet spot where you can let your feelings out. If you need to

take them out of a target, if you need to take them out of a party, it's a different approach than going if you don't stop crying right now. We're leaving. We don't want to do that. It's a different, it's the same thing, but different, where it's like, I'm going to take you over here safely, because by the way, kids get overstimulated. Kids who are in public are through the roof and it actually might feel really nice to them to be like, hey, do we need a quiet moment over here? This is where you can let your feelings out. Let it out, girl, we're outside of Target. Do it, you know, and then we'll go back in when we're all feeling better and we're regulated. Kristen, thank you. I forgot about the public. That's great. I mean, you need both. You need to know what to do in the tantrum. You need to know what to do in the tantrum.

and then also in public so it was great exactly that's why there's two of you that's why i'm telling you you're a great team over here this is working i feel like my listeners had so many questions but i really do think that you probably answer so many of them on your podcast on your website on your instagram so again we'll send everybody in those directions so that they can know exactly where to find you and then last but not least i always get my guest to confess something embarrassing to me and we're going to end it on a high note or maybe a low note. Kristen, kick it off. Me, oh, mine's not as good as yours.

Maybe that's better, I think, actually. Maybe it's better. Well, yeah, we'll end it on a really low note. I really have to think about this, by the way, because I think, it's like, since becoming a mom, it's so humbling, you know, like, after you have, like, done IVF and there's, like, an embryo being inserted in you while there's neat, you know, you're just like, there's not a lot of shame or embarrassment involved, so I really had to think back to a time I felt embarrassed and I had it. It's not even that embarrassing. But I am a really big people pleaser,

but also an introvert. And so my nightmare is being stuck in an Uber and the person is talking a lot or anything, a hairdresser. I'm sweating, just thinking about it. And so for some reason to shut down the conversation or make it shorter, I will just spit out one word answers. And for some reason, they're not always true where they're like, oh, where are you going today? And I'm like, work. And I'm not going to work, right? I'm like going home, but it's just, it's just shorter. I don't want to tell you where I'm going throughout the day. And so then the next, they're like, how many, like, do you have any kids? And I'm like, yeah, and they're like, how many kids do you have? And I'm like, one, you know, but I have three kids. And I'm like, oh, is it a boy? And I'm like, yep, yep, it's a boy.

And so I have this whole, like, crazy story. And that happens all the time, by the way. But this time, they got out. And I had a friend that was waiting for me. And they were like, tell your son that I say hi. And I didn't have a boy at the time yet. And I was so embarrassed. because my friend was like what are they talking about like what do you and I had to tell the whole story of how I fabricate these your web other lives just to like get out of the conversation oh my god that is so yeah yeah that's that's very funny because I kind of do I do that on airplanes yes my biggest fear for somebody to just sit thank you small talk with me on an airplane and and so I do the same thing like if they're like oh what do you the worst is

when you sit down, they go, you going home or coming home or whatever that is, I'm like, oh, God, here we go. And then, so this, this person sat next to me and they did the whole thing. And then they go, oh, so what do you do for work? And I didn't want to be like, well, I was on reality TV. And then I got a podcast out of it. And then I, like, I didn't want to do that whole thing. And so I was like, oh, I just do some social media. Oh, what kind of, and I'm just, I'm lying out of my freaking teeth because I'm just like trying to end the conversation. And then a girl comes up and she recognizes me and she goes, oh my God, you won Dancing with the Stars. I'm such a big fan.

Blowing your cover. And it was at the beginning. The part of this story. It was at the beginning of the flight. I forgot to mention was part of this story is that I was also an accountant. Like I was an accountant. I was going to like a work conference. Like you're saying where people are like, what do you do for work?

And I'm like, I don't know. I'm kind of an influencer, but I'm not really because like that's really, you know, and it's just like, I don't want to do this. Like, I'm an accountant. And it just got so bad. It just kept going. It just got so, like, because it's like, well, where are you going? What are you doing for work then?

Do you live here? You know, and you just, you just sputter. You're just like, yes, no, yes, no. And then we're the rude ones because we don't want to talk, but I'm like, mind your business. Yeah. Lady. Yeah. Chris and I love how you're like, you're like, I have, you know, like what shame is left?

Girl, I have so much shame. Where do I even, where do I even start? Like, do I pick the time that I fell down the stairs when my crush said hi to me in high school do I pick the time that like oh my god there literally there are so many that I could freezing when I was public speaking in fourth grade and running down the aisles like where do I start I think I'm going to actually go to one where Kristen you were at this one so it was during my second birth I had a home birth we're at home we're in my in my bedroom and I'm literally on the floor like at the very end this baby is coming and

out and I'm pushing and I'm like oh shit literally I'm gonna poop right now like there is no way I can push this baby out right now without shitting in front of my husband my mother and my best friend and I panic because this is like my nightmare by the way this is like growing up potty training like different trauma so much shame around poop okay and so I just yell at everyone I'm like get go in the bathroom and they all have to run into the bathroom. I'm like, get in there. Get out. We're like, okay. All right. Yep, no problem. But we didn't know why. We had no idea why, by the way. No idea. Right. Yeah. No, they had no idea. To get out. So I push. His head is now coming out and I'm like, great, my husband's not going to see the baby

be born. Like, get back in here. It was just crazy. That is chaotic in like the best way because it's so. funny how different everybody is. I just feel like I have no shame and I have no shame around poop where I'm just like, hey, if it happens, it happens. Like, they're, they're going to clean it up real fast anyways. It's fine. I'm like, it's the miracle of birth. We all do it. And she is in the end. I don't even think she did. I don't even think she did. But everyone of mine I did. And I was very, I was prepped. Oh, you did? Okay. Yeah. I was prepped ahead of time. I think by first, like, it was like, it was just never ending, you know? And I'm just like, whatever, dude. Like, not my job. You

know what I mean? I'm not my job. I'm going to lay here. Whatever. Like, I don't care at all. No shame. No. I mean, there's, no, it's, yeah, we all poop. We all poop. Thank you for sharing both of those stories with me. That is incredible. And I feel like a lot of women probably can relate and have done the same thing in both situations. So it's a safe place. It's a safe place. Thank you. I could do a whole other podcast on homework. I'm so fascinated by them. But thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it and I loved this conversation, even as someone who I'm like a godmother and an aunt and all the things. And it was so fascinating to talk to both of you. So thank you. And thanks for doing what you do. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday.

Thank you.