Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Blaine Anderson | A Dating Coach Explains Why Modern Dating Feels So Hard!

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

#918. Dating advice is everywhere — and somehow it’s made dating feel harder.This week, Kaitlyn sits down with Blaine Anderson, a dating coach and matchmaker who works with thousands of men behind the scenes of modern dating. She shares what women rarely get to hear: how men experience dating, why “good guys” get overlooked, and where connections quietly fall apart.They talk attraction, effort vs. interest, dating apps, and how to tell if a man is being intentional or just keeping his options open. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, they also get real about feeling behind, comparison, and staying open to love without settling.If dating has you confused, burnt out, or questioning the rules — this episode will make you feel clearer, not broken.If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE!Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals!Covergirl: Go the distance with COVERGIRL’s new Eye Enhancer Wrap Tubing Mascara for a lash extension effect. Shop at your nearest retailer now. Only from Easy, Breezy, Beautiful COVERGIRL.comLeesa Mattresses: Go to LEESA.com and use promo code OTV for 30% off mattresses PLUS get an extra $50 off exclusive for my listeners.Macy’s: So if Valentine’s Day is creeping up on you, take that pressure off yourself. You can shop in store or online at macys.com.Bombas: Head over to Bombas.com/VINE and use code VINE for 20% off your first purchase.Chewy: Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewpanions.chewy.com/offthevinepodcast. Minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details.Apartments.com: The Place to find a place!EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: (12:29) Why “nice guys” get overlooked.(17:05) The biggest shift in dating over the last 5–10 years — and why so many people feel burnt out right now.(45:52) How women can tell if a man is being intentional… or quietly keeping his options open.(55:08) The unexpected dating dealbreaker Blaine hears all the time.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of Off the Vine is brought to you by Cover Girl. Go the distance with Cover Girl's new eye enhancer wrap tubing mascara for a lash extension effect. Shop at your nearest retailer now only from Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover Girl. Lisa Mattress, go to L-E-E-E-S-A.com and use promo code OTV for 30% off mattresses. Plus get an extra $50 off exclusive for my listeners. Support our show and let them know that we sent you after checkout. Macy's, so if Valentine's Day is creeping on up on you, take that pressure off yourself.

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New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. site for details. And departments.com, the place to find a place. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Hey, Vino's real quick. If you are listening right now, which obviously you are or you wouldn't be hearing this, can you hit the subscribe or follow button on whatever platform you're on?

Please. That one simple thing helps more than you even realize it allows me to keep growing on this podcast and making these episodes the best they can possibly be obviously for you. That's the only favorite I'm going to ever ask, okay? it truly means the world to me. Thank you. Now let's get into it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Rissau. And today we are doing a virtual with Blaine Anderson, who is a dating coach and matchmaker, who's literally worked with thousands of clients and spends her life inside the part of dating. Most people don't get to see,

like she said, you get to see kind of under the hood. So it's kind of about what people say they want versus what they actually choose. It was a really fascinating conversation to know, you know, she works with a lot of male clients. So hearing that perspective. So because this drops on Valentine's week, love is probably on everybody's minds. So we're going to go beyond the service level tips. We're going to talk about what's broken right now, what men and women misunderstand about each other, and how you should give the nice guy a chance. So if you're single, you're dating, you're burnt out, you're in a relationship, you're wondering why it still feels hard this episode is for you. Just like right off the bat, I'm like, how do you define what you do? Yeah. So I am a dating coach and matchmaker. I'm

exclusively with men. So as a dating coach, I help men understand how to better attract women, how to authentically market themselves, and how to build chemistry and flirt with women. And then as a matchmaker, I'm, I set up men and women with the goal of creating amazing and lasting connections. Do you get so frustrated? I feel like if I had to work with men constantly, I would be like, you guys are doing this to yourself. I mean, there's definitely moments of frustration, but the majority of my clients are amazing and here for the right reasons and really, trying to improve and find love, and that's endearing. I guess that's one thing. If they're coming to you, that's kind of already sweet and endearing and they mean well. Totally, totally. It's like not

the type of people who are in my Instagram comments that I'm like working with, you know, like the people were like, don't ask a fish how to fish. Like if someone doesn't think that I can help, they're not going to pay to like get my advice. So it's like the people who work with me are like genuinely believe that my advice and my services can help them. And so that's really fun. And then how does one become a matchmaker? Because I thought about it at one point and then that thought went to nothing. But I, because I like set two people up.

Actually, the two people that I set up are now married with a baby and they're my next podcast after this. So we're doing a little like recap with them. Wait, that's amazing. You should maybe you should be a matchmaker. I know. But then I'm like, I don't want to leave. I should like just quit while I'm ahead.

I got, I'm one for one and I'm just to leave it there. But how do you even realize like I have the skill set or how do you realize you want to do that. Well, I started out as a dating coach. So I always just like, you know, like even thinking back like as a kid, like who's talking to who, who's going out with who. And then in college, I would help my guy friends when they'd like ask about my sorority sisters, like who they wanted to take out or whatever. And then I moved to New York City and that's like right when dating apps were kind of kind of becoming a thing. And so I'd help my guy friends then like with their dating out profiles because they'd be they'd tell me, I'm not getting any matches. I'm not getting dates.

And I look at their profile, okay, well, you're giving serial killer. Like, this is awful. You know, you've seen like a guy's dating profile. And so I'd help them fix it up. And then they'd get more matches. And then they'd be, well, now what do I do? Okay, well, you're going to do this, plan this type of date, say this. So I've always just really enjoyed it.

And then I was working in the travel industry in the pandemic hit. And my boyfriend at the time, I didn't have a, I guess essentially became unemployed overnight. And my boyfriend at the time who's now my husband was like, you're always giving dating advice. Why don't you create a course about it? Why don't you put all the advice that you give. into a course so you can help more people. And so that was when I created my first dating master class. And turns out it was in a hot commodity. It was in need. So it really just like snowballed from there.

Like two years later, I was on Shark Tank talking about my business. I'm featured in Forbes, the New York Times. So started selling courses, which was led into one-on-one coaching. And then people were asking me to matchmake for them because like they'd be kind of confused what a dating coach was. So like your hitch, you're, you know, that is more like coaching. but they say like, oh, could you set me up with someone? And I just started doing it kind of for fun. Like my clients who I really liked. I was like, oh, well, I have tons of single girlfriends.

Like, let me try and set people up. And then when people would ask me about matchmaking, I'd be like, oh, I can like try and set you up. And then I was like, wait, this is actually so fun. And I'm really good at. And I know a lot of amazing single women. And now I have all of these guys who have like clearly put in the time and effort to improve. So it came about kind of organically.

And now I think, you know, I have a handful of matchmakers on my team and We've had a number of marriages and success stories, and it's so fun. That is unbelievable. Like, what a fun, rewarding job. And I feel like you haven't just worked with, like, a few people. You have worked with thousands of clients. You've also turned this into an Instagram, like, platform with a massive following. So I was curious what kind of person usually comes to you and what kind of person surprises

you by coming to you. Yeah. So who comes to me for dating advice is very different who comes to me for my. matchmaking. So my client who comes to me for like my courses and my coaching, he is your typical like engineer. I often refer to him as like he usually works in a technical field, spends a lot of time behind a computer typically doesn't have a ton of experience with women. You know, maybe he's had one girlfriend or, you know, spent all of his 20s really working on his career and now he's in his 30s and it's like, oh my God, like I really don't have much interactions with

women or that much experience. And so that's the type of guy who often comes and like once to take my course, which is about how to talk to women, how to flirt with women, how to send a text message, what to plan for a first date, how to create a dating app profile, usually a bit more unexperienced. And then the type of guy who comes to me for matchmaking is totally different. That man doesn't typically have problems attracting quality women. He just values his time highly and is interested in going out with women who he's going to have long-term compatibility with. And anyone who has been on a match on a date from a dating app knows that if just because someone could look perfect for you on a dating app and you could get to the date and within 30 seconds

know like, okay, this is not my person or we have like serious incompatibilities. And so men hire me to do basically the finding and vetting for them. I'm like, okay, hey, I'm serious about finding my wife and here's some things I'm looking for. Here's what I'm like. And then I go out and meet women on their behalf and make the connection. So those guys don't typically struggle dating. It's just that they want to meet the right women. So the women know that you're coming and you're being a matchmaker with them. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I talk to the women as well.

And so even though the men are my paying clients, it's just as important to me that I understand like what the woman I'm talking to is looking for. Because even if the woman is exactly what the guy wants, but he's not what she's looking for, and that's a waste of a match. That's not a good date for anybody. You know, I'm understanding like, what does this person say they want? What does this person say they want?

And then there's an element that's also like reading between the lines and just being like, okay, but like, will these people actually get along? Even if it's not exactly what this person said they wanted, like I could really see them hitting it off and then making an introduction. Yeah. Do you probably get like so many people that they're surprised at the kind of person they end up picking? Yeah. So I think what I can tell men and women, in my experience, some of the best matches has happened on the edges of a client's or woman's even stated criteria. So sometimes people think they need a certain thing or want a certain thing. But when they're willing to actually be flexible on that is when they typically have success and find somebody that actually can make a lot of sense for them. Do you get into like the whole like anagram number, astrology of it all,

like any kind of that kind of like wooing stuff I can play into it? Sometimes those things can play in, especially if it's like important to the person I'm talking to because like if they feel like they know really strongly who they tend to get along with. I'll obviously take that into account. But as part of my typical process, I'm not asking people for their personality types or their astrology. It's more about their values and their interests and their goals and who they're looking

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Okay, I knew mattresses like mattered for sleep, but I don't think I realized how much my mattress mattered. I did. I made the switch to one from Lisa. and I just ordered a king-sized mattress for my room and it quietly just kind of changed my nights without me even noticing at first at all. I fell asleep faster. I don't wake up as much.

And I actually feel rested in the morning, which feels kind of rare these days. I had had my old mattress for so long. It was definitely time for a change. And honestly, I think the biggest giveaway might be my dogs because they've officially taken over the bed and even they don't toss and turn anymore, which used to be like a thing I just kind of accepted.

I was like, oh, they're dogs, they're cute, they toss and turn. They stopped. They curl up, they knock out, they stay put all night. night. That's not a real life review. I don't know what it is. It has that soft, cozy hotel-like feel when you first get in, but it still gives real support. So no sinking, no weird pressure points, just that your body can finally relax feeling. And it somehow works no matter how I sleep, which is, I guess, saying something. I also love that Lisa gives you a 120-night trial. So you can actually live with it, see how it feels in real life. So go to Lisa.com for 30% off mattresses,

plus get an extra $50 off with promo code OTV exclusive for my listeners. That's L-E-E-E-S-A.com promo code O-TV for 30% off mattresses, plus an extra $50 off. So support our show and let them know that we sent you after checkout. Lisa.com promo code O-TV. Do you ever meet someone and think, oh gosh, this guy has money and he's going to pay me, but I think he's a walking red flag and I shouldn't hook him up with anyone? Yes, yeah, I definitely don't take on everybody.

want to work with like every person before we choose to work together like I sign them up like we have a consultation call I get to know them because this it's not like a hookup service it's not just like oh I want to go out with beautiful women it's right okay are you intentional about what you're looking for are you serious about what you're looking for and I want to make sure I like the person because myself and the matchmakers are going to need to be able to speak positively about him and if it's like not authentic then that's going to be really tough yeah do you ever have to be like I'm sorry I just can't work with you. No, I usually, well, I'm usually like more, oh, we're just like at capacity right now, or I price them out. Like, I'm just like, oh, it's actually going to be one million dollars.

Yeah, that's fair enough. And you've said that, you know, your guy friends, because you started this in college. So you've said your guy friends were good, they're smart, they're attractive men, but still struggling. So what was like the confusion that brought you the clarity to do this? Like, that made you start paying attention to what these men needed. Yeah, I think that's so true that oftentimes, like the nicest guys end up being the ones overlooked and the ones that don't end up with girlfriends or going on dates. And it's often because they just, they aren't asserting themselves enough. They aren't confident enough. They aren't willing to go after what they want, which is really attractive. You know, there's this saying like, oh, the girls always like the assholes and like the nice

guys finish last. And that's because there are actually some attractive qualities that, quote, like assholes have where it's like they aren't scared to say what they're thinking. They aren't to go after what they want. They tend to be really confident and that can be attractive. So like some, I'm not saying like women go after assholes, but like when you see like a guy who's like, quote, quote, an asshole and he has like an attractive girlfriend, that's like usually why. And the guys who are the nice guys, they aren't doing those things. They're oftentimes too passive, not in their masculine enough, not going after it. And so they're continuously overlooked by women. How do you help teach a man to be more in his masculine. The first step is they have to gain confidence. So,

you know, when I talk to men and it starts with like, okay, what are you currently doing in your life? You know, if you are just going to the office and then even like going to the gym and going home, you're not really building a life that is going to bring confidence to you. And then also that's going to be interesting or attractive to women. What are you going to talk about on dates? What are you going to do with women? So I really encourage men as a first step, like put dating aside and think about building a life that somebody else is going to want to be a part of and join. Pick up interests and hobbies and I call them investment areas that not to necessarily even meet women, but just to have things that make you happy and help you build confidence.

Like get really good at something, anything, because that's going to make you more confident in your day to day life and when you go out meeting women. So that's step one is just like being confident in yourself and what you bring to the table. Like you have to up level yourself. Like if you're like, oh, I'm like a loser and I'm nothing going for me, it's like, okay, well, women are going to feel the same way about you then. Yeah, kind of like vice versa. What can women do to be more in their feminine? Because I feel like a lot of, a lot of these dating profiles and we'll get to the performative side of things with online apps. But I feel like a lot of women feel like they're finding their independence. They're finding like they don't need a man. There's like those bog articles that are saying like, it's it's lame to have a boyfriend now. So I think women have just felt like, oh, they just need to take care of business by themselves. But how can they be more in their feminine? Yeah, that's a good question. You know, not necessarily my specialty, but I definitely hear that a lot from my matchmaking clients. Like, I really, I want a woman, yeah, I want a woman who is feminine and who, so I can be more masculine. And so when, when I think of that personally, I think of like a certain softness. And it doesn't mean like you're passive or you're a wallflower, but it's like letting the guy lead, not being assertive. And I think, you know, as women who we don't need.

guys we don't need men to support us or to take care of things it can often be like we're always in go mode and we're always in take charge and we're always in plan mode but can you step back and let the man take that lead and take that role and I think that's really hard because like a lot of men don't do that so then women are like well I'm just like what then I'm just sitting there twiddling my thumb so it's it's definitely think um a challenge of modern day dating yeah absolutely uh what do you think the most common blind spot you see in men would be who are genuinely like good people, but constantly struggling. Would you say it's the like more confidence of just like putting themselves out there a little more? For the guys that are struggling with dating, the most common

thing is that they just aren't going after what they want enough. They're so scared of being perceived as creepy or saying or doing the wrong thing. And I'm like, listen, guys, like if you're worried about that, you aren't the problem. There are plenty of creeps out there and we're does out there and you hear women talking about it all the time. So then it's these poor nice guys who are getting all worried and they're like, oh, like, I can't approach a woman. Like she's going to like, I'm going to end up in jail or she's going to throw a drink in my face. And it's like, no, if you're approaching a woman with a smile on your face with confidence, good posture, eye contact, I'm not saying she's going to be interested in you. Like, I have no idea, but she's not going to throw a drink in your face. You're not going to be

arrested. You're not going to be called a creep. But they're so scared to do anything to make any sort of move. Women say they are never approached anymore. Yeah. That's what I was going to ask. Like if you compare dating now to even five or 10 years ago, what's the biggest shift that you've noticed? Well, so first of all, everyone's been relying on online dating way too much, which is just, and I think we're at a tipping point where people are getting fed up with it. And they're like, okay, this is ridiculous. Like, it's not working, which amen, I think is the case.

But we have way, way, way, way too much just been relying on that as the way that we meet people. and the way we put ourselves out there. And it's such a, it's a facade. It's not, you're not actually putting yourself out there. You're not actually doing anything to help your dating life by, you know, swiping and sitting on your couch and staring at people's profiles. Like that is not actually a proactive, positive thing. Right.

I mean, like there's probably 0.01% chance it works, but how much time did you waste or what, you know, who else did you have? Yeah. And what if you'd spent 10%? of that time putting yourself out there and talking to people in the wild and introducing yourself to strangers, like you'd probably have a significant other. What a novel idea. Talking to people in the wild, it's, I even find myself just being like, oh, nobody talked to

me, but that's a, that's a me problem. What do you think people are optimizing now that's like maybe quietly sabotaging their chances? So I think going back to just like not putting themselves out there enough. And when you, they do put themselves out there. If you are out in the world, your head is in your phone. headphones in, not engaging with the world around them. You just don't even have to do anything anymore.

Like, you used to have to go to the store. You used to have to go to a bar if you wanted to talk to people or like engage with your friends. You used to have to go to the restaurant if you wanted to eat the food from that restaurant. And now you literally never have to leave your couch and you can talk to all of your friends, see your friends even on FaceTime. You can get food delivered to your door. You can stream anything.

So people are just lazy and see. stay inside and they aren't engaging with other people. Like imagine how many more people 20 years ago someone interacted with on a daily or weekly basis compared to now because you just don't have to. Think about how many people too. I feel like I'm one of them where I went, gosh, I used to be such an extrovert and now I'm such an introvert. But I believe that like I don't even consider myself lazy. I do consider myself a person of convenience and everything is at my fingertips. But I've almost become like a home body just because I can. Yeah. And I think the pandemic really accelerated that for everybody. Yeah. Because it made everything possible without leaving your house. And then we all

became complacent with that. I mean, I'm the same way. You know, I never like go to the grocery store. But I think if for as a society, if it's like, okay, we want to turn more away from dating apps and get people meeting in person and get people connecting again, we really have to put in the effort to put ourselves out there more and just be around more humans. Yeah, because I think we forget how good community and connection feels because it's one of those things like going to the gym. I always find like, I'm like, oh, I just want to cancel the plans or I don't want to do this. And then once I do it, I go, why don't I do that more often? I feel like fulfilled from it. And I think also, like you said, and I talk about this with the guys I work with all the time. It's like having community and building

community as a way, finding a significant other is a byproduct of that. So it's like build community not because you're like, oh, I want a girlfriend or boyfriend, but naturally by building community, making a great friend network, a friend circle, you are going to be more likely to find somebody. And then you're also just going to benefit by being happier and being more connected and having more confidence. So really leaning into that, I think is a really good way to not put pressure on yourself, like, oh, I have to find a significant other, but just a way to up the chances and increase

How many men fall in love with you? Because I feel like, I feel like that must happen in your world where you're, you know, you're showing them their confidence. They're starting to see themselves through a different light and you're helping them through that. Even if, you know, I know you're married now, but like how many people do fall for you? I mean, I'm so close with my clients. Like, I feel like they're like my brothers. But I don't, I've never had someone be like, I'm actually in love with you. Really? That's like out of the movies. But I'm also very clear. Like I've been, I'm married. I have a daughter. I think it wouldn't be a great strategy for them. Yeah, you probably set the boundary right off the bat of that not even being an option. A lot of holidays or certain events, like I always have them in my calendar. I'm not sure why Valentine's Day is always the one that sneaks up on me. It's literally on the calendar every single year, but somehow February hits. And suddenly I'm like, wait, that was already the week of Valentine's Day. Sometimes it's like, it is Valentine's Day.

And I'm like, what? And I just think a lot of us live there. You're busy. You're juggling a million things. And even when time is tight, the love part is not. You still want to show up for the people that you care about in a way that feels thoughtful. Maybe Valentine's Day means something to you and not to them. Maybe vice versa. It doesn't matter. You just got to show up. That's why I actually love this time of year. Not because of the pressure. The flowers, the reservations, the expectations, none of it. But because it's a reminder to say, hey, you know what? You matter to me. And it doesn't have to be complicated to be meaningful. And that is where Macy's really comes in. for me, especially when I'm short on time, but still want my gift to feel intentional. So I've definitely had those moments where I realize, I forgot someone important, or maybe I didn't forget them. I just didn't know what to get them. And that's when gifting can kind of start to feel stressful instead of fun.

But, you know, Macy's, they have the curated collections that honestly make it feel like someone already did all of the thinking for you. So you're not wandering aimlessly or panic scrolling at midnight. You're just choosing from things that are already thought. They're already elevated and they're already ready to go. So one of my go-to easy wins, I would say, is a beauty gift set. I love them because they feel very indulgent without being so over the top and a little moment of maybe luxury for someone who might not buy it for themselves. So whether it's a fragrance set, like the Gucci guilty essence set or even something like Macy's Love and Glow Beauty set,

it's the kind of gift that feels special the second you open it and there's no guesswork, no awkward, like, do I really own this energy? Just kind of lands. It lands. And then there's the conversation that we don't have enough gifting yourself. I feel like I actually have that conversation with you guys a lot. I'm always like, get it for yourself. Who cares? Because Valentine's Day doesn't only belong to couples. I think we all can know that by now. Sometimes the most meaningful gift is the one that you give to yourself when you realize how much you've been caring. Okay? I'm here to tell you that. I really believe that. So if you're celebrating solo this year or honestly just need a little softness in your life, this is your sign.

I remember being like, even when I was with a partner, I'd be like, but I wish they did this. I wish did this. And now I'm like, I can do that for myself. So for me, that kind of looks like things that make being at home feel better. You all know I love my home. I'm a cancer moon, cancer rising, cancer sun, cancer in my charts everywhere. We like our space comfortable, but still cute pieces that you actually want to lounge in. Something like a pretty sleep set that makes your evenings feel a little more intense.

paired with a little silk eye mask because why not? Or maybe a home edition that changes the mood of a space, like lighting a candle, turning on music, creating a moment that feels kind of calm and cozy after a long day. I feel like those little upgrades make a really big difference. And what I love is that none of this requires weeks of planning. That is speaking my language. You can pop into Macy's or shop online,

find something that feels like you really thought about that person, even if you decided the day before. Last minute doesn't have to mean last thought. You know what I mean? I also think Valentine's Day is a great excuse to show appreciation beyond the obvious. Like friends who have been there for you, family members who always check in, neighbors even who make your days easier. I have two really special neighbors.

Those relationships matter just as much and sometimes even more. A small but thoughtful gift can say what we don't always say out loud. I notice you. I'm grateful for you. Thank you. And that is why I keep coming back to Macy's. It's a one-stop shop, yes. but more than that, it just makes gifting feel approachable.

You're not trying to reinvent the wheel. You're just choosing something that creates a feeling, comfort, confidence, joy, relaxation, and letting that do the talking. So if Valentine's Day is creeping on up on you and you're thinking, I really want this to be meaningful, but I don't want this to be stressful, take that pressure off yourself, okay? Even if you are short on time, you're not short in love. And Macy's makes it easy to celebrate every kind of relationship,

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It's like I felt like I needed to. get to this point so I could be a good partner or be a good boyfriend or be a good provider. And I do think that is sometimes true, but I think it can also be something that guys will tell themselves because they are scared about putting themselves out there. So they'll say like, oh, if I just do, if I get like this much better at work or this much like more promoted or even like this much better in shape at the gym, then I'll be ready to date. And I'm going to put it off until then just because to put yourself out there is scared. And you are going, you have to face rejection.

That's part of being rejected as part of dating. Yeah, that sounds like it's just fear. They're just scared of the rejection when they're making up excuses. Yeah. And so sometimes it is an excuse. And sometimes I think people use that as a way to put it off. But then sometimes it is true. Like, especially with my matchmaking clients, it's like, hey, I started this company.

I grew this company from zero to, you know, like $100 million in revenue. I like literally work 14 hour days at the office, seven days a week. Okay, now I'm coming out of it. I'm 42. all my friends are married. I'm realizing that success didn't actually bring me the happiness I necessarily wanted. And I want to, I'm ready to find my partner or find that next stage. Where do you think the line is between being selective and being avoidant?

Gosh, or being selective and just way too picky. Yeah. That's something I see with both men and women. I bet. That drives me up a wall, especially as a matchmaker because I'm like, I'm telling you, like, hey, I've talked to both of you. take the date. It's a first date. I'm not asking you to get married at the altar, but it's like, his hair is kind of thin. And I just like don't really see myself with a guy under six two. And I'm like, girl, you just told me you really want to find somebody. And that prioritizing, finding a husband is

important to you this year. And I'm telling you this guy is amazing and he's successful and he's mature and he wants a relationship. And you're telling me he's two inches too short. Like, take the damn date. Are you crazy? And like it's not just women, men are just as bad, if not worse, but about the super, like, okay, I get it. You have to be attracted to your partner. I'm not saying take a date with someone who you're like, oh, my God, ew. Like, no, that it's not going to work. But if a professional is saying like, you guys are super aligned on X, Y, and Z, just because

that person doesn't perfectly fit who you thought you were going to be with or who you saw yourself with is not a reason to not give it a shot. And that's the most, like, frustrating thing to me. I bet. I feel like that's where we can get into like the attraction and the uncomfortable truths of where that to me, I'm like, I kind of get it because when I was the bachelorette, like, I truly at night one, I was like, I may be like two of these guys. But by the end, I liked so many more because I actually got to know them. They were so not my type physically, but like it found so much more connection from just, well, almost I was kind of forced to, but that just goes to

show that if you do get to know someone, the attraction can come. And I mean, how many times do we watch a TV show in general? We're at the beginning, we're like, oh, I didn't even think that guy was cute. And then once you fall in love with, you know, him on the show and you actually get to know who he is, you're like, look him. He's the best. Yes. No, that's so real. And that's like what I wish I could just get through more people's heads. And I think social media has been really detrimental for that because everybody thinks that, oh, I deserve somebody who looks like, like this or like that. And like there's so many women out there who are like that beautiful. And it's like, okay, first of all, like that isn't even a real person. That's like an edited photo or a highlight

reel of that person's life. And then second of all, like you don't actually have access to Victoria's Secret Supermodels just because you follow them all on Instagram. Like that's not reality. I don't even know how to explain it. It's almost like just a facade of what you think you can get. So then you brush away so many other potential people who could be incredible because of this image you've created in your head from what you've seen on social media. I feel the same way about freaking porn. Like guys think this is how it's supposed to be. Women grew up thinking this is what men like and they're not enjoying it and they're sitting there in pain because they think it's supposed to be a certain way. Like we've been brainwashed by the internet so many times that how do you know what's real and what's not?

And when it comes to chemistry, do you think chemistry is information or is it sometimes like familial? familiarity with chaos because I feel like a lot of times I'll give an example. The guy that came out of the limo who I picked at the end, I was trying to repair a past relationship that he completely reminded me of. And I subconsciously just thought it's that relationship presenting itself to me again. I was madly in love with that person. I'm going to make it work this time. But it takes time, right, for you to be able to even see that and recognize it. And so I think there's so many people who aren't at that stage yet and you're exactly right. Or They can say like, oh, I don't want that type of relationship again, but then they pick it over and over. And I see that with guys. They're like, I really want like, I want a down-to-earth girl. I want a good mother to my children. I want somebody who can be easygoing. And then, you know, I share a profile of a woman and they're like, I'm just like not that attracted to her.

And then, you know, I share a woman that's like super done up, super like dress to the nine. It's like a lot of makeup. And they're like, oh, yeah, she like that's. And I'm like, okay, that's exactly who you described your ex that you. had a toxic relationship with. Yes. It's so, yeah, I feel like even just hearing you talk about it, I'm frustrated because I'm like, you must see that happen so often where you just have to shake people.

Is that kind of like a strategy you use as like a dating coach and a matchmaker where you kind of have to give them the tough love and say, this is not what it is anymore. This is how you have to change and find something new. Yeah, yeah, that is, especially with Matt, I mean, I do feel like at least the clients who I like the most and who get the best results, they're willing to take our professional expertise where it's like, okay, I can't tell you how many times I've heard. Like, she's not somebody who I would typically pick, like if I was swiping on a dating app, but if you are saying you think it's a really good fit, I'm going to trust you. And then like three weeks later, they're like, yeah,

don't send me any more matches. We've like really hit it off. And I'm like, yeah, because who you pick on a dating app isn't who it's going to, is going to be the best long term compatibility. Dating apps optimize for short term. You are picking strictly based on. somebody's looks and that is a short-term decision-maker. That is something that you want in the near-term that has nothing to do with whether somebody's going to be compatible with you long-term. And that's what hiring a matchmaker gets around. You are hiring a professional to get to know both parties to understand if the long-term compatibility is there. So if you don't take that into account, then like, what's the point? And that's what if I could tell women out there listening one thing who are

like, oh, like, I am serious about finding someone. It's like, stop focusing so much on the short-term criteria that you have in your mind and focus on the longer term because like whether or not he's going to be a great future father to your children has nothing to do with his hairline. And like, we'll go to shave his head. Yeah. Or we'll go to Turkey. It's almost like the vagus slot machine mentality where you just like, you get, you get one good hit and it's like this weird addiction where you get one good swipe and you see one and you have this connection and then it fizzles and you're like, well, I want to keep tasting that feeling. It's the dopamine.

Yes, the apps are like a marketplace. It's a business. These apps know what they're doing and how to get people to keep coming back. I don't know if dating. Yeah, if dating is marketing, wouldn't think the biggest mistake is when people present themselves on these apps. What do you mean like with how they present themselves? Yeah, like what's a mistake they make when they're doing these dating profiles and how you said you would help your guy friends? You'd be like, yeah, you look like a serial killer.

Like what does it take? for somebody to present themselves. For guys, the biggest mistake they make is just having crap photos. Like, they're so bad at taking photos of themselves. Like, as a woman, we have like a gazillion photos of ourselves. Our girlfriends, you know, you have, you like, it's your birthday and there's 10 girls from different angles taking photos in life. You're on a swing on a trip.

You're like, oh, okay, wait, do this. Like, fix your skirt, you know, like your girls are looking out. Guys don't do that from each other. So often, guys, when they make their dating out profile, it's like, okay, how can I find six photos? I just need six photos of myself. They're like over the course of the last five years, like one holding a fish, one with sunglasses from 20 feet away, one from their buddies bachelor party where there's 30 dudes in the picture. It's just they're just so bad.

But I feel like every like more and more, I'm feeling like dating apps are just, listen, I do think they're necessary evil. I'm not saying if you are a single, like give up on apps. But I just think they're so, so hard to actually find someone serious on them and like and be able to. tell if there's any actual compatibility. Apps kind of reward confidence and performance where I have like such an issue with performative anything, but that's kind of what people have to do to put themselves out there on these apps is let's put our women, you know, put their best photo, guys put their worst, but I just feel like everyone can be who they think they should be on apps. And that's why the, they get to the first date and there's no chemistry because it's like what happened to the person I

thought I was talking to? Totally. And the guy. Typically what I've seen is like the guys who actually end up getting the matches on dating profiles are the performative ones because they know how to make that profile that actually gets matches. They're like the shirtless guy. Like they're the guy who like does have a ton of photos of himself, which like isn't typical. And I'm not saying there aren't like awesome guys out there with great profiles. I've helped thousands of great guys make better dating at profiles. So maybe if you catch one of those, you know, like it's not the performative guy. But I think in a lot of cases, it's like for lack of a better word, like the kind of.

cocky asshole who's the one who's like ending up with the majority of the matches from all the women. I know because I would I like find it so cute if a guy didn't know how to take a photo and that was his dating profile. I feel like that's adorable because how hot that he doesn't have like so many photos of himself. I know but it's hard to even catch that. Yeah. And then the guy that does you're like, I get icked out either way. I'm just I'm probably your worst nightmare as a client. I know. I feel like as the women you have to like really look between the. the lines of the guy's dating, I probably have to look for the potential. Like, okay, just because his, like, photos suck, but like, does he look like he could be cute otherwise? Like, what do you

think a profile, like, reveals unintentionally that people might not realize? Well, I do think it reveals how much effort you put in says something about your intention. If you put no effort into your profile, and same with a woman, like, as a guy, I'm like, if you're looking at this woman's profile and she's clearly put in, she has one word answers. Okay, maybe she's really hot. She's one word answer. she has her Instagram handle in her first prompt. Like, do you think she's really here to like find love or is she here to find followers? Or is she like directing people back to her only fans? Like look to see if people put effort into like understanding if you have common interests, if you share values.

Yeah. Do you think our society is just losing the plot on dating and being with each other? Or do you still have hope for like romance and marriage? I have hope. I have so much hope because it's, you know, it's like how I spend my time. talk to men and women every day who like are looking for that love and they are looking for that romance and their partner. And so it's definitely easy to get cynical because I also end up talking to a lot of people where I just like want to shake them. Um, and be like look at like you need to like

understand reality. But at the end of the day, they're like, you know, every time I get a text from a client or like, or from a woman that's like, that was a great date. Thank you so much. It's like, yes. Like this is why we're here. Like there's nothing. I, I truly believe there's nothing that can improve the quality of your life more than finding someone you're excited to share it with. And so being able to help people find that, especially in a day and age where it's just hard. It's so hard for both men and women. Yeah. It's really fun. Okay, if you're a pet parent like me, then you already know how much our lives revolve around our animals, their food, their treats, their routines, their random emergencies at the worst possible times I am going

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It's funny. Yeah, I like will sometimes get hit up by married people and be like, can I take your course? I'm like, I don't really think it's going to apply to you. Like there's probably like better content out there. It's like, just take your wife out to dinner. Like just plan something. Well, that's another thing. Most of my audience is women. So if they have like single guy friends or whatever, they usually don't hear the behind the scenes versions of men's experience unless they're like close with their buddies. But what would the course take them through? So my course is based on what I call my five ease of dating. Empathes. Embrace, Embody, engage, and execute. So empathize is about empathizing with women. It's understanding the woman's dating experience and what she's going through and her challenges. Because dating is not easy for men and it's not easy for women, but they face different challenges. And I think it's sometimes easy to forget that the other party has challenges as well. And then embrace is about embracing like what you bring to the table and who you are and understanding how to authentically market yourself. Oftentimes that does come with increasing your confidence and picking up high.

hobbies and investment areas and building the life that you're going to be really proud of. Emboddy is like how you're executing on or like proactively putting those things into practice and like going out and meeting women. So that's where I talk about where and how to meet women. So both online and offline, the different places. And then also like how what you can say when you are texting or approaching a woman, how you would text with women, how you talk to them, how you advance relationships once you meet somebody. And then execute is executing on So it's like how to plan a first date, how to plan a fifth date, even like, you know, how to ask for a kiss appropriately, how to ask physically in an appropriate way that isn't going to be creepy or weird. So that's like the behind the scenes of the course.

I love that. What do you think men experience in dating that women tend to like underestimate or dismiss? So the hardest part for the majority of men, if you're not talking about the performative ones that get attention, is how do they stand out? Like the majority of men are overlooked. Like the top 5% of men's profiles get matches and nobody else does because they're just getting lost in the noise. And so that's something that's really hard for like your average guy or your nice guy is they just don't get noticed by women. Because they aren't peacocking. They aren't being performative.

They aren't the loud, boisterous ones. So they're the ones that nobody is seeing. I feel like women are being misled to by modern. culture, but where does that happen? Like, what are we doing that we're missing what matters? You know, like, I feel like sort of like what we talked about before, where it's your, everybody's so rewarded for being the loud, whether it's on social media or in person, like you're so rewarded for being the loudest or the funniest or the craziest or doing the most. So if you're not in that top bracket of people who are doing those things, it's really easy to just sort of be like swept to the side.

Whereas with women, you know, it's like online dating for men is like, how do I stand out? How do I even get a match? Like I have clients who are great guys and they don't get a single match. As a woman, you can literally have a photo of a tree as your first photo. And you're going to have like hundreds of guys who are like, ooh, a tree and like want to go out. And then the woman, but then as the woman, it's like, okay, how do I tell the good guy from? from the bad guy. Like I have 500 matches. Like I'm overwhelmed that I'm just like getting give up because I like don't even know where to go. I feel like women get confused with men all the time when they maybe they're more simple than we think. But how can women tell the difference between a man moving slowly because he's intentional versus because he's keeping options or like I feel like we're always like what's going on up there and they have a tough time communicating and we have a tough time

reading minds, but, you know, a lot of, a lot of guys maybe don't move as fast or they want, I think when they're more intentional with their time is when they're more serious about the person, but how do you tell? Yeah, I, you know, actions are like, tell you what you need to know. So despite what somebody says, like, how are they acting? How are they prioritizing? And I do think we live in a day and age where we expect everything to happen really fast, like men and women do this. They expect instant responses. They expect constant communities. They expect constant communication or entertainment, they expect things to go from zero to 100 because that's our mindset so much of the time with we just move through the world so quickly now. And I think it's important

to remember that to create a lasting connection and to really get to know somebody that can't be sped up. And so that really does take time and take slowing down. So just because somebody is, like you said, being intentional and they're not love bombing you and they aren't texting you all the time doesn't necessarily mean they're not interested. Right. So pay attention to are they planning thoughtful dates? Are they remembering things that you say and following up about it? And then I do think like when in doubt have a conversation.

I think that's another thing. Like everyone wants to play it cool and everyone doesn't want to be the one to say like, hey, I really like you. Like where do you think this is going? Or I am ready to be exclusive. You don't necessarily need to be there yet. But I just want you to know how I feel. everyone wants to be the one that's being chased and that's not realistic.

Why is that? What is the chase thing? Why is that so attractive to people? I think it kind of goes back to what you said before where it can be a reminder of a past relationship. You know, there's something like about the love bombing and the being chased. Like that spikes your dopamine too, just like they're getting the hot match on the dating app or getting the watching the reels on Instagram. And so we're so accustomed to those dopamine spikes. So when somebody withholds that from you and then they give it to you, it's like, oh, that feels good. So I think it really is like kind of an addictive thing that we end up craving. You said something about like the patterns.

It's like a lot of people don't have a dating problem. They have a pattern. And what is the most common pattern you see in women that keeps repeating? It's going after the guy who makes them feel good in the short term, but doesn't show long term potential. So it's sort of like what we were just talking about where it's like he gives that attention, he makes them feel really good and then he withdraws. Or he's really attractive and he's really good at being fun on dates and showing you a good time. But then he doesn't follow through. There's no intentionality about around a long term commitment. And so then he disappears for a little bit. But then he

comes back. And then it's like, oh, that feels good because he's back. So I think it's falling for the guys who can be really fun to be around, but aren't good long term. And that's something I talk about a lot with my clients is because sometimes those guys, like the nice, quote, nice guys that are overlooked, they aren't that fun to be around. And I'm like, you have to be more fun. Because if you don't feel, if a woman's not having fun with you, she's not going to want to see you again. She's not going to want to entertain this as a relationship.

So I'm not saying you have to be a clown, but like you do need to make a woman feel good. And you need to make her laugh and you need to just, generally be a good time. I agree with that completely. And I'm just thinking, I'm trying to put myself in the mind of like some of the women listening. How do you know if you're choosing someone because you're attracted to them or, you know, they're just the funny person or if it's because it's familiar? How do you step back and kind of like process who they actually are? I would say looking at looking past, okay, how does it feel in the moment with this person and looking forward to, okay, is this person making an effort? Does this person align with my long-term goals and values?

You know, just because a guy is hot and fun and, you know, willing to take you out, doesn't mean that he's going to be that good long-term future partner that you're saying you want. So really looking at are the long-term values there and then is that person making an effort to live by those things? Like if he's going out every weekend with his buddies and getting wasted and prioritizing that, doesn't mean he's a bad person, but it means he's not ready right now. And like you sticking with him doesn't usually change that in the near term. I think I really like what you say when you talk about the longevity of something instead of like the quick hits and the because I think we do that in so many situations in life anyways. And I think a lot of us do it in dating without even realizing that we're doing it. And it's more about not dating to regulate like your self-worth and instead thinking of it as building a partnership.

I feel like that took me until I was 40 to really think about like to really see the potential and not the like, okay, well, right now he has this and there's this red flag and there's this. It should get better. It's more of thinking like, is this person a good partner? And here and now. Yes. Not like the potential, not what they could be if they just stopped doing this or like got their shit. together or like they'll see the light, you know, if they like understand like everything I bring to the table. It's like, no, are they here and now showing up in the way that you want them to? Yeah, because you've

seen what works long term, obviously. You've seen so many success stories. So what traits kind of predict relationship success that people consistently undervalue? I think effort is the number one. Is just is this person putting in the effort? If someone is consistently forgetting to make plans or reply to your text. Like effort equals interest. Yeah. So if the effort is not there across the board, this person probably is not going to be a good long-term partner for you because they're just, they're not trying.

Yeah. I feel like we romanticize so many disasters out there. It's like, because also we get brainwashed by movies and things like rom-coms that we've seen for so long. But where do you think the line could be for people settling versus choosing peace? because I think that's kind of a fear, or it was a fear of mine. It could be a fear of others, like protecting your peace and then not feeling like you're settling because your nervous system could feel a little more safe around the good guy or good on paper.

But I just feel like there's a line between the settling and the choosing peace. I think there's things that are okay to compromise on and there's things that aren't okay to compromise on. So settling implies that like this is someone who you're being with because you don't have other options in my life. opinion. And I think compromising is being realistic about humans and everyone has pros and cons. And so you shouldn't compromise on the way somebody makes you feel. If someone makes you feel unsafe or someone makes you feel undervalued, those are not things that you should compromise on. I think also because of social media and because of Hollywood and because all the things we say, we see sometimes people feel like, oh, if I don't have every single box checked, then I'm settling. And I don't think that is necessarily the case.

like, okay, would I like this guy to be richer? Would I like him to be taller? Would I like him to have better style? Like, those are things that aren't going to affect your long-term happiness and aren't even going to actually matter in the long run of the relationship. So compromising on them, like, you know, would I like a guy who's six-four? Yes. That would be nice because it makes me feel like small and cute and sexy. But this guy who's 5-11 puts in so much effort. We last. so much when we're together and he really makes me feel safe and I know I want a long-term partner and someone who I feel stable that I've children with and I'm going to again it's like I'm not saying like okay go on one date was a big so I'm just going to marry him but I'm going to give this

another chance I'm going to go on the third date I'm going to give the chemistry and attraction and love time to build because I recognize it doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen in a first meeting and it definitely doesn't happen from a photo definitely not no do you have like a fun story that really sticks out to you where it was a success story why maybe on paper it wouldn't have worked but it did and now they're married yeah well so this one they're married this because it wasn't that long ago but i had this client who was very very particular and he really he was in his early 40s and he wanted to date women who were under 32 and that was like in his mind like oh i need a woman who's under 32 but he also had very specific other criteria like he wanted

her to sing he like found that very attractive he needed her to be christian and she couldn't have a dog because he like hates dogs oh i would i would say i we're at capacity i can't work with you sir you okay you're a dog person so you're gonna be horrified by this i'm a dog person too i hear i want a woman who doesn't have a dog a lot why because they because oh wait not by obviously it's not like all guys thing but I hear it way more than I ever would have thought because okay the examples are oftentimes like oh like her dog is her whole personality and I feel like she it's like all she like talks about and wants to do it's like almost like a social crutch for her I've heard that I've also heard I had to cancel a vacation because the dog sitter or I have to like leave parties because the dog

I want to be able to travel a lot like I don't want to have to live our life around a dog I don't want to sleep with a dog. There's like a whole like list of different reasons guys give, but I hear it so much more often than I ever. No one ever mentions a cat, but I hear no dogs all the time. That would be such an immediate no for me. I could never ever, but I guess. But likewise, I work with guys who say like she has to like dogs too. Yeah, for sure. And you would know right away. Like if I met a guy like that, I would know right away, you're not for me. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But okay, so this guy, he was a no dogs guy, which again, I was like that, and he was one of my first no dog's guys. So I was like, this freak. And now I'm like, oh, apparently it's a thing.

Okay. So he has this really specific criteria. I find this girl. She fits all of this criteria, but she's 34. And mind you, he's in his 40s. Also, if she's 32 or under, she's going to be above 32 at some point. Yeah. She's going to get older. And so I'm like, listen, I like twist his arm into taking the date. Of course, lo and behold, they hit it off and they end up to And I'm like, I think she was 35. I think she might have been even like a little bit older. But like she was outside of his quote range that he was like wanted within but fit everything else. But what what happens when she turns 40 or 50? So his thing is like I want to he wanted to have multiple kids. And he's like I just want to have time to get to know her. It's not that I never want her to be. And that's what I hear from men all the time. It's not that I never want her to get old. It's that I want, especially from the guys who want to have kids like I want to have time to date for a year or two. And then that's not that's what I want to get old. And that's not that I want to be. And then. And that's, then be engaged for a year or two and then get married and then I want to have four kids or whatever it is and believe me I'm like doing backwards math with men like explaining fertility to men is like you should get like your education and fertility just to tell them that we're not dead at 40

I you don't know I like feel like I'm pre I preach it way too often I should honestly have like a little tutorial video that they have to watch about like how fertility works because I'm like dude your sperm is old too have you frozen your sperm because you're not your sperm because Because, like, you should have done that when you were 30. Like, so it's Valentine's Week, which I feel like can be brutal for some people. I don't really have an opinion on Valentine's. I never really have been overly like, eh, or yay or nothing. I'm like, eh, it doesn't really matter.

But for some of the women listening, if they feel behind in life because they're single right now and then they get bombarded with all the Instagram photos of Valentine's Day, what do you want them to know that isn't cliche? Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday. So first of all, it can certainly be a reminder. if you don't feel like you're at the place where you envisioned yourself or where you want to be. It can be an unfortunate reminder of that. But what I would say is do something with your girlfriends, put yourself out there, like go out to drinks out in public, like go talk to a new person because Valentine's Day next year you could be in a very different place if you put yourself out there and if you take action to meet people.

Because there are great guys out there. I work with them every day. like chivalry is not dead romance is not dead but i would say you got to give the nice guys a chance like give the guys who aren't the ones sliding into your dms but are you know the quiet guy in your yoga class or who approach it takes all of his courage to approach you on the subway like give those guys a shot and if you're interested in potentially being matched dating by blaine.com slash women fell out my intake and i would love to potentially set you up if i have somebody who could be a good fit yeah because they're

probably so many women listening that think like you could have a good match for them. Can you say that again? Yeah, dating by Blaine.com slash women. I love that. And what is your Instagram so people can follow you there too? And what can they expect if they follow you? Yeah, super easy dating by Blaine across all platforms. My Instagram is geared towards dating advice. So it's a kind of a, it's a look under the hood into dating for men and what they need to hear and what they're struggling with, which can be fun. But I'm starting to tell more matchmaking stories there as well. And so people know it's Blaine, not B-L-N-E. No, why. It's B-L-A-I-N-E. Correct. Exactly. Dating by Blaine. Amazing. You also have a podcast. Help me. I am single. You can listen to it wherever you get your podcast. We interview a different single man or woman every week. And I have a comedian co-host who's also a rotating comedian every week, helping me unpack that single's dating life, give them advice on what they should be doing differently and how to fix their dating woes. I love that. Oh, that's genius. Okay, well, congratulations on everything, and I love what you're doing, and thanks for coming on the pod today. At Pluto TV, we're celebrating Black History Month with our free curated collection of black entertainment.

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Stream now. Pay Never. Hi, I'm Lauren. And I'm Chandler. And we're the host of Pop Apologist Podcast, a weekly podcast devoted to celebrity gossip, Hollywood Deep Dives, Real Housewives, Drama, and anything and everything, Taylor Swift.

We're two sisters who make no apologies for our love of pop culture and the fact that A-Listers might mean more to us than each other. Join us on your favorite podcast. app every Wednesday for Pop Apologists. Pop Apologists, your new favorite sister and celeb podcast.