Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Claire Byrne: From Heartbreak Coach to Head-over-Heels in Love Coach

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Kicking off 2022 with Claire “The Heartbreak Coach” who returns to share “Part 2” of her heartbreak story from two years ago and she should now be referred to as Claire “The Head-over-Heels in Love Coach” as she has since met, fell in love with, picked up and moved to the man of her dreams (who on paper, is someone she would have said HELL NO to)! With a little help from her Britney mic, she shares more about what went wrong with all of her previous relationships, the red flags to watch out for, how to know your worth, the healing process and what will come when you open up the space to manifest and call someone in who aligns with your values and your life… as well as giving a chance to someone you least expect! Claire candidly answers some anonymous vino dating and heartbreak questions with invaluable coaching advice from her “Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better” course that women around the world have enrolled for. You can listen to her previous Off the Vine interview here to see where she was to where she is now!: https://podcasts.apple.com/ro/podcast/grape-therapy-claire-byrne-is-back-to-share-her-heartbreak/id1240420549?i=1000455592087 You can find Claire on IG at @clairetheheartbreakcoach MATCH - Are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and are not afraid to say it, download Match. VIZZY HARD SELTZER - Step up your seltzer game with Vizzy. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/VINE. PROGRESSIVE - Get a quote today at progressive.com and see why 4 out of 5 new auto customers recommend Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up. If you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there, swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in.

This week's Off The Vine is sponsored by Match. Are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and you are not afraid to say it, download Match. Vizzi, step up your seltzer game with Vizzi. To find out where you can purchase Vizzi, go to vizzihardselter.com slash vine and Progressive. Get a quote today at progressive.com and see why four out of five new auto customers recommend Progressive. Okay, Vinos, let's take a minute to talk about something very important. in many of your lives, I am sure, and that's dating, specifically dating on Match.

And quick announcement for you to keep you up to date with the dating game, because I know so much about that. American singles have spoken and being hot is out and being emotionally mature is in. What are you talking about, Caitlin? You may be asking, well, Match's annual survey found that for the first time in more than a decade, emotional maturity ranks higher than physically attractive on singles priority lists. In fact, pre-pandemic, being attractive was ranked number one, and now it's all the way down to number eight. So I think it's safe to conclude that emotionally mature adults are the new sexy. Okay, listen, I've been saying this for a while, okay? It's hot to be emotionally mature. There's nothing hotter than dating someone who has their shit together, likes, open

communication, gets along with your parents, and who only uses the word ghost to describe paranormal activity. What a time to be on the dating scene. So are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and you're not afraid to say it, download match, and now messaging your top matches is free. Hey, everybody. You're listening to Caitlin Bristow's podcast, Off the Vine. Take it away, Bree.

Wine. Lots of wine. Hey, be on the mic, turn it up, let's go. Hey, ramen, Pino, ready for the show. Everyone's welcome, so come on in because OTV, it's about to begin, eh. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin. Bristow, today I had the chance to have a past guest back to hear about the 180 that her love

life has taken. Claire, the heartbreak coach, might now be Claire, the head over heels and love coach. She revisits all that went wrong in her past relationships, the vicious toxic cycle she was caught in, and that she had to go through to learn to grow and to get to where she is now in a very happy, healthy relationship with a man she would have never dated if she saw him on paper. Then she answers a lot of listeners questions about past love, current love, future love, heartbreak, and a lot of methods and steps to healing and growing from it all. Look at you with your Britney Spears, Mike. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love it. Oh, my gosh, you're so cute. How are you? Oh, my God, Caitlin, thank you so much for having me back. Of course. Oh my gosh. This is amazing. I'm so glad we can make this work. I am like not in my office with my microphone. So we're just going to have to make do because something, it's a whole thing in my house right now. I have, I've had leaks. I've had to replace AC units. I had to replace a furnace. There's construction going on. So it's a whole thing. Anyways, I'm so happy to have you back. How have you been? It's been like two years since you joined me on the pod last time, right? Two years. And I just re-listened to our episode. because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't repeating myself. And I'm sure you guys can link that episode up. But I was very newly dating someone that I knew there was something different.

And I had this thought, Caitlin, talk about manifestation. And I know you're a magical manifester yourself. I had this thought, like, he's my person and I'm going to come back. And I'm going to share the process that I used to call him in. Like, I knew it. And here we are two years later. I left L.A., moved to Santa Barbara to be with. the man of my dreams no big oh my gosh that makes me so happy like it's so funny because

so much can happen in like a short amount of time if you think about it two years is actually a short amount of time especially these days I feel like everything goes by like this but it's it's wild how you kind of just knew and I feel like your stories and experience with love is like night and day in comparison to what it was like last time you were on so we talked a lot about really unhealthy relationships the last time you were on and sort of like in a vicious cycle with narcissists. And I feel like a narcissist is a word and a type of person that keeps coming up so much these days of people recognizing what it is, understanding more about being in a relationship with one. So I feel like everyone's kind of maybe speaking up or out

about unhealthy relationships now, feeling more comfortable with it or recognizing this earlier on. What do you think that is? Why do you think that is? I think it's a combination of not to get too political, but I think like with what has happened and unfolded in politics over the last few years, like that the term gaslighting narcissist has been used very loosely. And I think people don't really understand. I think actually the word narcissist is, even though I really know that I was involved with narcissists and had a pattern of attracting them, but sometimes people are just unavailable and they're not narcissists. Sometimes people cheat and they're not narcissists. So it is a term that is used very loosely, I think. I also think the term

gaslighting. I know that was a big controversial issue on Katie's season, right? Like, what is gaslighting? And I think people just throw it around. And I think social media, now more than ever, we're saturated with self-help. People are speaking out. There's tons of life coaches like myself who are speaking out about their experiences because it is like an epidemic. And I think to, with dating apps right dating apps now are so common and i think it's way more easy for people to discard when they're swiping because it's like nah nah nah nah and it's like people are starting to be just automatically treated like objects when you're looking at them on a screen i mean we're all guilty of that in dating when we're on the dating apps i think right it's like you're shopping

for an item in a catalog and actually know these are real human right yeah that's so that's so true it's it's become like the way of the world too it's like who meets at a coffee shop anymore and it's hard to understand who a person is online but let's go back to the guy that you were with and you stayed you stayed and that you said was like the real problem so how does gaslighting and manipulation lead someone to you know feeling like they're the crazy one so they like they're often referred to as the crazy one, but they're being manipulated into thinking that. Can you, like, dive into the gaslighting a bit? Yeah. Well, first, the person who's on the receiving end of the gaslighting is very well

groomed, right? So you get caught up in the high and the fantasy and you get sucked in. And I did this, I shared this last time, Caitlin. And I just want to remind everybody that I'm speaking in he, she, heteronormative terms. Of course, there are narcissistic women. There are women who gaslight. I have a podcast called Stop Wanting Him Back and Find Someone Better because of my own experience as a straight woman. So just bear with me with the pronouns, and it's easy to just differentiate he versus she. So I'm going to use the victim,

the person on the receiving end of the gaslighting, as the she, but don't kill me because I get a lot of heat for that. So the guy, right, and in my experience, I mean, just love bombed me, showered me with all the things he knew I wanted to hear. And I think some narcissists, especially narcissistic, sociopaths, which again, you could have a whole episode on what they all mean, but just you can easily Google and find out what it all means. I think they believe their own story. I think that, like, I think my rock bottom X really did pine for me for a long time. I really think he thought he meant

what he said in the beginning. I think it was real for him in his brain. And then also he was a self-saboture. He had unresolved, unhealed wounds. And he used me as his out. let as like the thing he's going to deliver on as the woman he'll finally deliver on i mean he had his friends and his close family saying we know that he's had feelings for you forever and this is like his dream come true and even if like you've observed him not being great with other women like you are different we know he's different we've never seen him like this before so we were all sucked in by the fantasy right and so then you're sucked in and it's like he's becomes this night in shining armor and then all of a sudden something's just not right he's separating me from

the friends. He disappears for hours. And I'm like, where, where are you? Like, why can I not reach you? And I'm also not encouraging that you should, you know, have your person's location on their phone and have tabs on them 24-7. But it was like long periods of time where I'm like, we were actors. We didn't have steady jobs. Like, where are you? And it always just seemed whatever he said he was doing or where he was. There was something in my body that was like, I don't feel like you're telling the truth. And then, you know, I started to dig deep and look for answers and went on his computer and, you know, found things. And then I would say, hey, guess what?

I snooped because something's not right. Something's fishy. And he'd be like, you're crazy. You're totally misinterpreting that. This is what that actually means. And then again, continuing to separate, feeling like this other woman. I mentioned it on the last episode, right? She started being really strange to me and she was such a sweet girl.

Like she wasn't a mean girl. you know, we were, you know, in our late 20s, early 30s at the time. And I was like, there's something not right. And he kept creating stories like, you're wrong. This is what's really. And my body was like, I feel like I'm not wrong. But also I fell in love with this person who's promised me the sun, the moon, and the stars. And so maybe it is me that I'm not trusting him.

Yep. Right? And so it's like very strategic. So you're not dumb. You're not crazy. It is a psychological manipulation. and it's very common and it's really painful. And especially if you haven't experienced it before,

it can feel like a real mind. I know we get pleased out here, right? Yes. But how do you recognize it in somebody? Like, you know, people seem to have that pattern of always going, if they've dated one narcissist, they usually tend to date another and another and another. How do you acknowledge a narcissist when they're such good salesman?

Well, I think more women or whatever. whatever, you know what I mean. It's a great question, Caitlin. Here's the annoying news. If you've never been susceptible to it, you're not going to look for it, right? I didn't look for it. I mean, I kind of did because I had the advantage or maybe it wasn't the advantage because I still didn't proceed, you know, eyes wide open. But I did know him before we started dating. And my gut said, something's not right about this guy. I saw him treat his girlfriend before me really poorly. And yet I still went forward. And I said this on the last episode. I asked him all. the questions. I said, I saw how you treated and it was like all the story. I mean, such a good

salesman to your point. Sometimes we don't know until afterwards, right? I feel like we're going to be more hypervigilant after the experience if we do the work, if we reflect back, if we do the healing. So I would say most of us are going to have the rug pulled from underneath us if we've never experienced it before. But how to prevent it and how to keep your eyes wide open about it, first of all slow down listen to your gut ask questions like i shared last time i moved in with him two weeks yeah yeah and i was super vulnerable i was broke as a joke and he was like just stay with me while you do your yoga teacher training and i'm like okay and you know i told myself oh it's just for the convenience because it's close to where i'm training blah blah blah and it's like no don't rely

on them for anything take it really slowly ask the questions pay attention to is he keeping you really separate. Do his stories change every time that you're asking him a question? Are his actions following up with his words? Is he consistent in the way that he shows up? And I would say those are like the basics of figuring out, is this person for real? I think immediate love bombing, like he told me he loved me way, like I think two weeks into the relationship.

And, you know, I think all of that, it's like, you don't know me. We're friends, but you can't say that you're in love with me. you haven't experienced me PMSing and taking that out on you, right? Like what is your definition of like being in love and it's this whole fantasy, but like what about the hard time? Also, what do you want in life? What are your plans? What are your goals?

Right? I think women, I mean, I'm 40 now, but at that time, I didn't feel comfortable asking those questions. He would have given me grandiose answers anyway, but I think sooner than later you can figure out if this person really is the real deal. but taking it slowly what does that look like it's like no more than three times a week getting together that's what i say in my course videos i have a course and i'll share about it later but you know i actually think as i'm coaching the women in my group program i have a few different offers you know i actually

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It's hard when you are in that euphoric state of bliss where you're like, this person is in love with me and it feels so good and you're just on cloud nine and you're flirting and you're happy and you want to just like it's so hard to slow that down and only do two dates a week or whatever but when it's it's just like a certain is it usually narcissists that do that love bombing like dropping that right away because what like for me that would that would create a red flag for me but also that would make me feel like so desired and it's hard to slow that down. So how, like, how would you recommend to somebody or what advice would

you give them, I guess, for doing that when you want to just dive fully in and it feels so right? Ah, such a good question. You should do podcasting and bring guests on something. Such a good question. Look, here's the deal. I'm an empath, and I'm pretty sure you're an empath. Empath are people that very much take on the energy of other people in the room. You feel things deeply, automatically. And I call being an empath a blursing. It's a blessing and a curse because you can really have a sixth sense and your work is to not get carried away with it, right? Like, you can feel this pull towards someone. And I, you know, I shared this last time. My coaching approach stems from the belief that it's your thoughts that create your results. So we're going to

have automatic pulls towards people. But the thought that I offer my clients in terms of slowing down is that you have a way better chance of this relationship working out if you do really slow it down and don't honor every single urge. Like I think of it, I love my wine, Caitlin, which by the way, thank you so much for Spades and Spades. So good. Like, if I could, I would drink, like, I'm 100% Irish and I don't identify as an alcoholic, but like, I have a wooden leg. So I could, if I wanted to, I could drink a few drinks every night, but overall, the compound effect would be brain fog, right? Like, I don't even get hung over because of my Irish blood. I mean, unless if I'm really having a good time.

But, you know, like, I can really process that, right? It's like in the same way that I crave it at 5 p.m. pretty much every night, I resist the urge because I know the impact that it will have on my brain fog, my levels of anxiety. I know you speak so publicly about dealing with your anxiety. and I'm very prone to anxiety. And so it's like the immediate itch that you want to scratch just because it feels so good and exciting or do you want to really use your head and not your heart and your vagina to like make all those decisions for you with someone you just don't know?

And here's the deal. Have we all fallen in love or have we heard the stories of falling in love really fast? I feel like tell me where I'm wrong. You and Jason fell in love pretty fast. Yeah. Yeah. My boyfriend's name is Larry and we fell in love. pretty fast, but we also had 80 miles distance between us. And he has four children. That was the

detail I didn't share last time. Because I was like, I didn't want to share too much information. But four kids, he has his kids 50% of the time. So I feel really lucky that that forced us to slow down and really just get to know each other over a longer period of time. But the feelings were super intense right off the back. But here's the difference. And this is what I knew was special and different and healthy about him, which I know is the only reason why I attracted him because I got really healthy with me. He very much made it clear that he was interested in me. He very much made it clear that he was really attracted to me. But he wasn't like promising me a future and being like, I see you being the stepmother to my children, like right off the bat. It was

just like, I'm so excited to see you again. Are you available two weekends from now when I don't have the kids again? Like, I want to do this with you or whatever. Asking me questions about me and who I am and me being a life coach and my family and growing up in Ireland, like taking genuine and curiosity, enjoying the moments of watching Netflix together and just like enjoying the simple things and just feeling that amazing chemistry between us and like the holding each other. Like I'm such a love like one of my love languages, top love languages is this physical touch and just being present without expressing all this in these intense words that are just too soon to say, even if you're feeling them.

Because we both admitted we felt like we were falling in love with each other. I mean, we still set up pretty early, two and a half months in. But I hadn't said, I love you to someone for nine years prior to him. So when I said it, I knew it felt different because of all the work that I had done on myself and what I teach my clients now. The euphoric, it's like it can be there and that's amazing, but you don't have to honor it like the way you crave something. You don't have to eat it or drink it every time you crave it.

you can still survive. No, I think that's a great answer. And I want to know more about this course that you're doing because I think so many listeners would want to hear because I did a podcast with Kristen Cavallery and she talked about like a book she read about narcissists and how she's always like been attracted to them and changing the pattern. So I want to hear more about your course that you that you do and how people can get involved in that. Yeah, absolutely. So there's three ways you can work with me. There's one on one, which I really, it's very limited spots available for that. And then I have a one-year group program, which is the same title as my podcast, Stop Wanting Him Back and Find Someone Better. It is for women only, but it doesn't

matter. You can be transgender women. It doesn't matter your sexual orientation. And so that one-year program, you can apply any time. And that involves a 60 video course, a course library that guides you from, you know, we set you up with the introduction videos of learning the tools, learning the thought tool, of learning how to manage your mind. Because your brain, whether, because it's called stop wanting him back and find someone better, as I just said. So it's like, really, I'm offering you two results in the program. You could come in with a broken heart or just come in being single and, like, frustrated

in wanting to find your person. But we always have more cleaning up to do about the past, even if you're not heartbroken. How many people have, are over your exes, but you have these like bitter, angry, resentful stories that you're carrying with you. And then you're like, why am I still attracting? these people because you haven't created the closure in the past relationship. So I walk them through that in the videos and the Stop Wanting and Back section. But before we go to the Find Someone Better section, there's then a core section called

fall in love with you. And I really have my clients date themselves. And Caitlin, I have a lot of people who come to me. We're like, I have the great job. I live in an amazing city. I love my place. I've got great friends. Everything's cool with my family.

I have the best life. It's just this one thing. And I hear that. but there's still something in you that's unavailable to yourself that has kept you attracting and falling and holding on to these unavailable people. So we just dig a little bit deeper. We look at your relationship with money, where you're at in your career. And again, you could be quote unquote successful, which I even unpack that.

What does that mean? It's all relative, right? And I really have them just really learn how to next level love themselves and date themselves and hit pause on dating other people. We don't go from stopping wanting them back to just jump to date the next person. that that defeats the purpose of the work i before i met you in october 2019 when we when we last podcasted together i took five very deliberate months off in 2019 from dating men i really dug deep built my business to where it i mean now it's gotten so much and more amazing i've gotten clients

from our last podcast together from people listening here who found love shout out to april and jeremy they like bought a house together and she's a huge man and she found And she's like, I'm going to find her and tell her that I found love through listening to you at the podcast. Oh, that's so cool. How amazing is that? Yes. Then we, she really did date herself for a while.

And then we very strategically have a plan. I have a process, you know, I have a process for stopping, wanting him back. And then finding someone better, we move into those videos. But the group program, sorry, this is such a long answer. I also provide. No, I love this. You're amazing. I think it's so cool.

So the group program. you've access to all those videos. Then I also offer three live group coaching calls a week. So I have women in Europe all throughout the United States. I do three different times because I'm in Pacific Standard Time. So it's an early morning, early afternoon, late afternoon. So everybody can make it. But I have a girl in the Ukraine who literally shows up at two in the morning to get coached her time.

And these women are all in and it's anonymous. So it's just first name only. And it's like a Zoom call where there's a side panel of names and it's just me coaching them. So they have access to all the videos and learning all the tools and applying how to create these results. But then our brains are always like, but what about this? Wait, but what about that, right? So it's like the live coaching component helps them just get so much more clear and it really makes the work more nuanced for them. And they learn so much from watching each other, but they don't interact with each other.

So it really is anonymous because I think this is such a vulnerable subject. And I don't want people not joining because they're afraid of people, you know, being exposed, which is why the one-on-one offer is great for people who are high-profile who wouldn't be anonymous in the group. And then the last component of that one-year group coaching program is I have something called Ask a Coach, where let's say you don't make it to the live recordings, even though the live coachings, which are all in the member portal that they have access to if they miss the calls.

You don't have to make all the calls. Ask a coach, you can write in with your coaching question and get an answer within 24 hours. So let's say it's Saturday night and you're like drowning in your sorrows and, with spade and sarah and feeling sad about, you know, something that didn't work out, instead of calling your friend and just being like, can you believe they did that to me? You get a coached answer.

Now, it's, of course, also totally okay to call and bitch to your friends. Like, that's so important. But if you really want to learn the lesson and grow from it, instead of like the, he's such a dick story and just keep going and not really understand that you can shift your mind on everything. So that's what the group program entails.

And then you can also, separately from the group program, it's the same title, stop wanting it back and find someone better. You can purchase the course videos, just that alone. So let's say you don't want to make the investment for the year-long program with the live coaching you have access to. It's actually just going to be a limited offer. I just posted it through the holidays to purchase the course. It was on Courtney Kardashian's push Christmas list last year.

So I think it's a great thing to treat yourself to you. I know the little. No way. Yeah, the holidays are a lonely time for many or it can be. extra sad if you're heartbroken during the holidays. I was heartbroken during the holidays and it was just, it feels extra heavy. So I'm bringing the course back for a limited time now through December 31st. So if you want to get that more affordable option, you can go to Claire the Heartbreakcoach.com

and purchase it. So you've got three different ways to access the work. That's that, I feel like people can do this even if they're in a relationship and like still want to like, you know, find themselves or feel like they're making the right decisions. I feel like it's not just for single people. A hundred percent, especially. I mean, I definitely thank you for saying that because I don't market it that way. But like there's one woman who joined the program.

She's already in her ideal relationship. She was gut-wrenchingly heartbroken, found her guy. And she comes back because I know you know this because we talked about, touched on this last time. The trauma of the heartbreak of past relationships doesn't go away when you find your person. Right? It's like I just had a dream two nights. ago that Larry cheated on me and I was like, how dare you? Yeah. And so that's subconscious stuff,

right? Like, I don't know. I think trauma lives deeply in our bodies, no matter how much healing we do. It can be triggered at very unexpected times. And for this particular client, it's been really hard for her to wrap her brain around this guy being the real deal and showing up in spades in such a different way. But the reason why he is, it's like, I'm not confused. You did all this work on yourself. So you're going to attract an available person because you're finally available to yourself. But I love that she continues to show up and get coached on the fears, looking for the shoe to drop all of it. You know, she said the other day, it's like, I'm not planning for us to not work out.

And I was like, no, but you're preparing for you to not work out. And she was like, oh, yeah. That's an aha moment right there. That's so something I have done in the past too. Because I feel like I still do, I still have trauma from past relationships that like lives deep. in my soul that will come out at the most random times, but I can acknowledge it now. I can realize where it's stemming from, but I totally feel that that's a true statement, that the trauma doesn't just leave as soon as you find your person.

You still have to do the work and figure it out of where, you know, the triggers come from and how you can work on that. And it's, it really comes out in my nightmares. Like I have dreams at least three times a week about like that things happening with Jason that were my fears in past relationships, like, honestly, three times a week. And I have to wake up and be like, why does my brain do this? And it's because the trauma is still living in there. Yeah.

And also, you know, how long have you been with Jason now, like three years? Almost three. Yeah. Weird how I know that. But obviously, I follow all the bachelor people. No, I knew. I think I realized it was like a year when I met you. So, um, but think about Caitlin, if you think about all the years you spent in relationships

that were painful. right and maybe not all of them were but your brain is way more comfortable in the discomfort of a romantic relationship because it's what it knows for a longer period of time than what it knows for the last three years i feel that with being with larry for the last two years and i have to confess this i know you appreciate a confessional now i mean for the most part despite my i do have a random recurring, you know, nightmare that he's cheating on me. But now my, like, my, my day mayor, my, my feet during the day is like, I'm so secure in his love for me and our plans for the future and everything that now my brain goes to

the place of he's going to die. Oh, no. Fear him dying. It's like my anxiously wired brain is like, nothing can happen to you. He'll, like, go to L.A. and, like, drive an hour and a half. And I'm like, call me as soon as you are. drive you know it's like my brain is just so comfortable looking for the worst case scenario so i'm i vulnerably share this with you and your audience to say yes i'm a life coach and i figured a lot

out and i i really do consider myself an expert on healing your heart and finding love and and having i i think eventually i'm going to do an extension for my clients who find love like a program on being in your relationship because i still work with a coach on my relationship acclimating into my boyfriend's four children's lives right like the work never stops to your point right right? And so I don't sit here on my high horse being like, and now I've arrived and I don't have anything else to work on. And you know, Barry has still seen my ugly side. It's just that I did a lot of work to attract someone who's going to love me unconditionally as the whole person. And I've seen his ugly side, right? And I take responsibility for it and I can feel shame for it because I've been

rejected for it and past relationships, all of it, right? But it's like, I'm not perfect. But I do believe, and I know he believes we're perfect for each other. And I think that's the work, but you've got to do the work on yourself, clean up past relationships, date yourself, really have a much deeper, better understanding and connection and happiness and, like, true fulfillment in your singledom before you call that person in. Because then if you're dating from this place of times running out, I should be married by now, all my friends are dating, you know, all my friends are settling down. That angstty pressure is also going to repel your person. so it's like really and truly not perfect when I say date yourself it's not get every duck lined in a row kill every wound so that no scars exist and you know just be perfect it's just really getting to that place of true acceptance and surrender and fulfillment and completion

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Potential savings will vary, discounts vary, and are not available in all states and situations. I've got so many questions from listeners that we'll talk to right now. Jule Haven asks, how does one self-concept shift when you go from heartbreak to love? Well, I think we sort of touched on it in this conversation, right, already, but just to be more succinct and clear about it, or can I be succinct? No. Because I'm going to talk forever. But how does one self-concept shift going from heartbreak to love is like, that's your work to do that, right? So it's like what I work on with my clients is before we even think about you finding love again, we work on your thoughts about you in that relationship. ship that you're heartbroken over. What are you thinking about yourself?

And we do mindset work on shifting those thoughts, such as I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't successful enough. I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't rich enough. Like all the different things. Or I was too much, right?

Too needy. Too demanding. I, you know, like God forbid you ask a man to, and again, cautious of the heteronormative terms, but actually follow through on his word of saying. hey, I'd like to move in with you at this date. Hey, I'd like to settle down with you and start talking about a future together and actually implement action from his words. And then that's where gaslighting can come in.

Whoa, you're asking too much. I'm sorry, six months ago you were saying like, we should discuss moving in together now or whatever, right? So really unpacking your thoughts about you and your part in the relationship that are creating shame, creating guilt, creating unworthiness and shifting that through mindset work, which again, you can learn all about in the course or in the point. program really shifting your thoughts about yourself and then a lot of the things are he didn't like me he I wasn't enough for him right so it's like and then also we kick him off his pedestal

because I Caitlin in my five years of doing this there is no person that there's no woman who has come to me where she's talked about her ex partner where I'm like oh you know that person does sound like he's the one that got away I'm like oh like no like that was not your person and so like really wrapping her brain around. He wasn't that great. And he could still be a good person. He doesn't have to be abusive. We don't have to demonize them. They're not all terrible people. But I would say 99.9% of the time they are like bona fide unavailable people. So we clean all of that up and then date yourself. How do you want to think feel about you? What's an area in your life you're not satisfied with? But you find yourself like just wanting to distract yourself to find love to just

fill the void instead of you really upleveling yourself. So that's the work that we do there. and then you're feeling like, oh, I've got so much peaceful closure and clarity about my past relationships. I'm loving who I am now because I realized I was attracting those men because of my thoughts about myself. Now I had these new up-leveled thoughts about myself. Now I'm ready to get really intentional and then I have a process to call him in for my clients, right? So it's like then we create him. We think about the woman that you want to become to attract him and not in that like 1950s codependent way of like, ooh, who do I be for a man? But just like, well, if I want to attract this high quality dude, how am I stepping into

the high quality self that he would be into, right? Because like attracts like, is that, is that clear for you? Do you think that that was. No, that was. Yes. I feel like everything you say is, I'm like, yes, yes. Krista Beth wants to know, why does it seem as if men get over breakups so much easier slash quicker. Well, fair question, but I also am very careful about generalizations like this,

because I do know women who get over breakups quicker, right? So just notice that you have this story and like it's not really 100% a fact. And then you want to understand why. And I think, and I say this with love, I just think it's a really unhelpful question to ask. Like if I'm guessing that you might be heartbroken over someone who seems to have moved on quicker. that's why you're asking this question, right? And your energy and your focus is how come he's moved on? How come these exes have all moved on instead of like, wait a second? How do I heal over them?

Right? It just takes your power back. Like I would offer, and maybe this is an unsatisfactory answer to your question, but I would offer it doesn't matter how someone can move on quicker than you can. I would just focus on you healing your own heart for you. It's just, this is what happens a lot with my clients. is that it's very natural and I totally get her question and her concern and her frustration, but it's just not helpful for her.

So be like, wait a second. What I would love to offer you, Krista, is, again, your thoughts, create your result. How fast he moves on or how fast my belief about men moving on quicker than women really doesn't matter. Like, okay, maybe I've observed that from my experience and in my world, but I'm going to bring the energy and the focus back to me and I'm going to start just healing my. myself, no matter how long it takes. It's going to be different for everybody. You never know what the other person is also going through. It could seem that way, but that could be their way of dealing with their own, you know, heartbreak or not understanding themselves and healing

themselves. Like that, it just could be so many things. Well, exactly. That's my point. We don't know it's a fact, right? We have no idea that they've moved on. I mean, I had one ex that I was devastated over, not my famous rock bottom X that I talk about a lot. And he moved on super fast. And I hadn't done this work yet and everybody like the people who are in my life who were way more evolved than me at the time were just like he's running and shocker it didn't work out with that woman either right it's just like who knows but i think it's too general of a question to answer or even indulge i would much rather you just say okay from listening to this podcast like there actually are some ways that i can just heal me and the rate at which someone else appears to move on doesn't apply to me that's just

not going to serve me. I'm going to bring it back to me. I'm just going to do the work on myself and maybe sign up for Claire the Heartbreak Coach's course and learn how to do that. Heck yeah. That's I that is my advice to Krista. Okay, this one is anonymous. Is it normal to stock an ex of 10 years and his new girlfriend? So here's the deal. Again, I say this with love. I just, I don't think it's helping you to ask anyone's opinion whether or not it's normal. question back to you would be how is that serving you how does it feel every time you click on his page every time you click on her page right who is anyone to say if that's normal or not normal my guess is it's painful for you so that's what i would look at is well what thought am i thinking

that's driving me to create the action of the quote unquote stalking to use her word right And what is the result of that, right? Thoughts drive feelings that yield actions that create results, right? And so the result is, I'm guessing you're having shame and judgment on it, which is why you're asking, is this normal, right? And I'm sure you're not alone, anonymous person reaching out. I think, you know, it's a very natural thing. So maybe I'm giving it to you. I think it is normal.

And you're sharing that it's a 10-year-old, you know, you've been done for 10 years, right? So I'm guessing you have a judgment on that. But instead of judging how long it's been and questioning your action to stock, my guess, again, is that it's creating pain. So what do you want to do to end that pain? What thought would you need to think to not stock, to yield you the result of not caring and being healed whole and moved on? And again, that's the work that I would do with you,

if you were to join the program or you can learn about how to change your mind to drive different actions so that you can let go. and heal your heart and find love and not, you know, have this judgment on yourself or questioning whether you're normal or not. We're all humans and, you know, just it is what it is. It's neutral that you're doing it, but it's also creating pain. And you have the option to stop that. Right. That's true. Okay. Teneal 1988 asks, if you don't feel pretty instant chemistry with someone, should you write it off? Great question. So here's, my rule of thumb on that. If there is something there, you feel some attraction. And I have a

course, I have a video in the course in the Find Someone Better section, Caitlin. And it, it teaches you how to come up with your negotiables and your non-negotiables. But we talked about this a little bit. And I think you had some other expert on as well talking about those as well. And I also offer that you are flexible with those non-negotiables. Because if, you know, someone, and I didn't say this last time because again it was too early with larry and i but if someone was like hey there's this guy he's not officially divorced yet he has four kids he lives in santa barbara he still got some unheeled wounds happening are you interested in meeting him i would have been like hell no yeah he didn't give me any of that information before our first date and obviously who's going to say hey like all those things

right but when i met him there was something in me and in my body that was like i want to get to know this guy And he turned out to be my person and I ended up changing my plan to become a biological mother, which again is very personal to me. I'm not saying just like give up your desire to be a mom if that's like for sure what you think you're put on this earth to do. So if there is enough there. If you guys have a great witty banter, if he's asking you amazing questions, if it seems like your values are aligned with each other, that you want the same things. If he's showing up, if he's reliable, if there's something lovely and endearing about him, but you're not fully wanting to tear his clothes off, I would invite you. you to stay open to see if that chemistry could grow for like four dates max, maybe three. And if it's not there, it's not there.

And you don't have to fit a square peg into a round hole. I actually just released my latest podcast episode, Am I Too Picky? And I think that would be a good one for her to listen to. Oh, that's good idea. Okay. That's perfect. Okay. And then another anonymous, and this is very like, I don't know how you'd answer this.

Anonymous says, I cannot get over my X. When will it end? Right. Okay. So I cannot get over my ex. You know how I look at that statement? Two ways. One, it's a thought. I can't. Right? And the other, again, because it is a general, pretty broad question, the other thing about this statement is that it's a decision, the way she's saying it. I cannot. It's a thought and it's a decision. So I talk about this in the course. When you're initially harbord, broken, it is the most gut-wrenching, keeled over, you've experienced it, I've experienced it. It's the worst. I'm definitely not like, do you know that it's a thought that you're heartbroken, Caitlin or anonymous listener, right? One of the steps in getting over him that I invite my clients to do is grieve, let your heart break, feel it, right? So it sounds to me like she's probably

been letting herself do that or she's been doing it, but I wonder if she's given herself the conscious permission to grieve, like she's supposed to feel pain, right? We're put on this earth. to feel all the emotions as human beings. And then the next thing I would ask, right, I would want to guide her through, and I have videos on this in the Stop Wanting and Back section, how to process the pain. I think it's going to be different for everybody.

So I offer different modalities, right? Crying, emotional freedom technique, tapping, meditating, lots of different ways. You've got to just let it move through your body before you're like, make it stop, make it stop. Because the more we resist the pain, the more it persists. I'm guessing, based on this pretty broad question, that's probably what she's doing.

And she's just unconsciously believing, I can't get over him, right? And then from there, once she's really consciously and compassionately, self-compassionately and patiently, let her heartbreak, let her body grieve, and then she has to decide when. It's going to be different for everybody. I was raised Irish Catholic. My parents are 100% Irish. This is totally a stereotype. So anyone Irish who's listening, I hope.

you'll laugh with me and not be offended, but I am a dweller. I dwell on all the painful shit. I still do it. And so you have to decide, right? In the same way that you're deciding, I can't, when's it going to stop? You have to decide today I am ready. Today, I'm willing to open up my mind to a different way. Today, I'm open to the possibility of me getting over him. I recognize that I am saying I can't, but look at all the people who have. Look at all the ways that I have I'm sure she's healed over heartbreak before, right? You have to be open to it and you have to want it. And then learn how to do thought work, learn how it's true that you can grieve.

And then I would, again, invite you to sign up for the course to really do the step-by-step process of healing your heart and also making sure to what the first step in my five-step process of stopping wanting them back is cut contact. And then the second step is let your heart break. And the third step is create closure. Like I would teach you how to create your own closure. You don't need it from them. But you have to remove yourself. You have to let your heart break and you have to learn how to create the closure for yourself. And it is a process.

But I'll tell you this. And to wrap up, when will it stop? It will stop sooner when you recognize that it is possible and you show up to do the work. Yeah. Wow. That you couldn't have said that any better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. nailed it. That's so funny. It's so true though. Like that's, I've just experienced everything that

you've said. And I'm like, oh, I just want to like, I want everybody to take your course and I want everybody to learn this about themselves. It's just so, it's such important work. So I am just so grateful that we were able to connect again today. And you have so much incredible advice that is really powerful. And I do encourage everyone to go tell us the name of the website again where they can sign up. Oh, thank you, Caitlin. It's Claire the Heartbreak. coach.com, C-L-A-I-R-E. I consider myself a heartbreak-finding love coach now, but Claire, the heartbreak coach, has just stuck with me.

And I just want to say, like, you, I'm just still continuing to be in awe of, and I just thought you were such a rock star two years ago, but to have watched all that is unfolded for you in the last two years, and just so you know, huge Dancing with the Stars fan as well as Bachelor fan. And when you, and like I've secretly, even though I, And I'm not, I'm no Caitlin Bristow, but I've always been like, how can I get on Dancing with the Star? So when you shared about how you manifested that, I was dying. And then you won and the co-hosting on Bachelorette and you've just been so, I've just loved watching your journey and congratulations on your engagement.

And I could not be more honored that you've had me back. And I just absolutely adore you. So thank you so much. It's such an honor for me to be here. That is so sweet. Thank you for seeing all those kind things. and I'm so glad we could reconnect again. And we will again in a couple of years.

And we'll just continue because I feel like this is like I was just listening to talk. And no matter where you're at in relationships in life, I feel like everyone can benefit from your course from this podcast, from your podcast. So thank you so much. And we'll do this again soon. Oh, thank you, Caitlin.

I have to say one more thing that I was just saying because I continue to get coached in my group. And I'm like, I think my next niche is going to be step. mom life to four kids. Yes. I would never do it because I think it's so much more nuanced and I really am protective of like them and exposing them. But just like when you're saying, where are you going to be in a couple of years? It just, it's like the journey really never ends. There's always new challenges and like he's the love of my life and I'm so in love with them. But it's like, again, just reiterating it's not about. And now I've arrived and like sign up for the

course so you can be where Claire is or where Caitlin is, right? It's like just there's going to be more growth and more healing and more challenges, but having these tools and access to coaching and working through them consciously while always knowing you're never avoiding the painful side of it, the hard side of it, is just the best way to live life. And I think the most rewarding. I completely agree. I love it. I could listen to you talk all day. Well, right back at you because I'm your number one fan. So even Steven. I'm going to Amazon right now, I'm purchasing that microphone. So thank you for that inspiration today as well.

Thank you so much, Claire. Thank you, Caitlin. See you soon. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on Podcast1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts.

Thank you.