Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Clare Crawley: Speaking Your Truth & Finding New Love

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

**Warning - don't listen to today's confession with kiddos in the car** Prepare those earholes, because today on the pod we have a very long overdue catchup with former Bachelorette (and all-around Bachelor Nation royalty) Clare Crawley! And she’s here with some very exciting news to share; not only is she newly engaged, but she & her new boo got engaged three times, and she’s spilling all the deets on how her romance formed with fiancé Ryan! PS, don’t try to stalk him on social media, because you can’t… and we love that. She’s opening up about her mental health post-show, what it was like to experience breast implant illness, how she developed the strength to become who she is today, and the previously unknown reasons behind her leaving her season early. Plus, she’s sharing her incredibly relatable life motto and a very timely confession that you should cover your little ones’ ears for.  Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: ADVOCARE - Get 15% off your first order when you shop AdvoCare.com/otv (otv in all lowercase) today. PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. EHARMONY - Download the eharmony app and start free today. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get 15% off your first order when you shop Avocare.com slash OTV today. Progressive code at progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust progressive and eHarmony. Download the EHarmony app and start free today. It's time for Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Welcome to your weekly session. Caitlin and friends are here to share unfiltered advice, lots of laughs, and some major breakthroughs. So put your feet up, pop a cork, and get ready for some grape therapy. Welcome to grape therapy. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting.

Okay, first time ever on the pod. I can't believe that she has not been on before. But the newly engaged, Claire Crawley, is here with me today. And we talk all about her new, fiance, who is a pretty private dude, actually. I tried to do some creeping. And she tells me how the two of them started dating and why they had three engagements. Not one, but three. I'm amazed by her strength after all that she has been through, and we learn a lot about that on this episode. She talks about her mental health and how difficult her time was on the show, why she left early from her season. It might surprise you. And what she's doing now to push yourself to grow and be better each day. Plus, her confession is one we can all learn from as we're all heading into the holiday season.

I hope you all take something away from this episode and enjoy my conversation with Claire. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you? So good. It's about time we do this.

I honestly was thinking that before I logged on. I was like, I feel like we've been trying to do this for like years now. Totally. I was talking to Blair the other day and she's like, why have you not been on Caitlin's podcast? And I was like, good question. Good question. I'm so excited to finally do this. And congratulations. Let me see the ring. Thank you. Holy shit. Oh, wait. Wow. Okay. So I was trying to find it somehow, but, you know, like just bachelor shit always wants to come up. And I was like, no, I want this one right now, because I myself have had more than one engagement ring. You get it. And so I was trying to find that. Wait, I need to see it one more time. Did you know what you wanted? Like, did he know what you guys had talked about it? It's funny with Ryan. It was always like when this happens, not like,

like, do you want it? Do I want it? Like it was never this awkward conversation of like, are we dating to get married? Or is this an in between? Are we casual? It was never that conversation. We started dating last year and then started dating, took a break and then started dating again. And when we started dating again is when I was like, this is just, this is how it's going to be. This is for the long haul. And so when that happened, when we started dating again, that's when I was like, when we get engaged, I want a shape that I've never had before since there's been a couple or also like even with the proposal i kept telling him i was like even if you do it at breakfast or when we're walking someone like just with no any like anything

big i would love that right yes anything that's different than how it has been in the past i would love that because clearly that never worked out i felt the same way with jason i was like i don't need anything extravagant because i think i think jason like obviously it's his first time proposing it was my second time being engaged so for me i was like i don't want it to be like some big thing that like we broadcast even though i ended up broadcasting on my podcast but like it wasn't supposed to be and it was just like in my house and it just felt like so nice but i heard you had like three proposals tell me everything yeah so that's the funniest part is like i wanted it so subtle and nothing crazy but it ended up being perfect because and i mean it's so

funny even talking about it because it's the opposite of everything I've said I've wanted three proposals and then we're having two weddings. I love that. I feel like this is same thing when I talk to my girlfriends who are moms. They all think they know how they're going to be as a mom or what they would be like as a parent and then everything changes and it all it's always with what feels right. So it's not like, you know, like everything that all the three proposals that they're all like so meaningful and thought out and like now looking back on it. You're probably like that's exactly what I wanted. Exactly. So the thing is he proposed to me at the Rice Festival with all the lanterns and the fireworks. So beautiful. Even take that aside, it was one of the most special moments that

him and I talked about on our first date was I was supposed to do this last year in a different situation. Yeah. Yeah. And it didn't pan out because I had broken up and my mom was sick and all that stuff. So I was on our first date, I was telling Ryan, I was like, God, I'm supposed to go to this RISE festival. I've really been wanting to do this for years. It's something that is so me. And it's so beautiful and like a breathtaking thing that I've heard about. And so this year, he was like, let's go. And I had no clue. When we talked about getting engaged and stuff, he was always like, can't wait to 2023, baby, it's going to be our year. You know, like having me think that's when it's going to happen, which I was totally happy with that. I love that.

I always tell people, I'm like, even if we never got engaged anytime soon, like, I still was just happy to find my person. So, yeah, so he proposed at the Rice Festival. He came back and this always makes me cry, but he did it in front of my mom. Made me cry too, yeah. Yeah, he did in front of my mom. And my mom was right there. And he asked for her permission, even though it was after the fact that she didn't know the difference. And yeah, after her permission and then put the ring on my finger in front of her.

And I thought at the least, like, I don't know how much time we have with her. And so, yeah. So it was one of those things that was like she's never been able to be there or say yes to anything previously. And this time she was there. She was all about it. And loved it. Wow. Isn't that just so special too because I don't want to take away from how special the show can be

and from like how special those proposals can be because it really was. But it's just so different because, like, your family doesn't even know who they are yet. You don't even know their middle name yet. And it's like all this like whirlwind where it doesn't feel real. And now I can speak from experience where the second time around like it just feels so much more real. And when you can involve your mom and the fact that he thought to do that in front of your mom and that she got to be a part of that like something so special, especially when you're, you know, feeling that your time is limited. that just, it just elevates everything that just makes you be like, this is what it's supposed to feel like.

Oh, 100%. And then, yeah, and then our third proposal, we were in, we were in his kitchen. And he was like, you get to wear a ring. I love being engaged. I love being engaged to you as well. I want people to know I'm engaged as well. And I was like, let's do it. Let's do it.

And I said, by the way, I'm not getting down on one knee. Just so you know, stay in your feminine, girl, stay in your feminine. I was like, yeah. I put the ring on his finger. And so he's got an engaging ring as well. That's odd. I love that. I always wondered that I'm like,

because I'm not a very traditional human being, as we all know. And I always liked the idea of like certain cultures do that. I remember Michael Bublay, he were an engagement ring when him and his wife got engaged. And that was like where she's from. That's what you do. And I was like, why does it have to be just like everyone knows the girl's engaged? And then the guy gets to just go off without a ring on his finger. Not that has anything to do with trust.

Like obviously you're going to trust him no matter what. But if he has a ring on it, just, again, it feels so real. And it's so exciting, too. It's like there's something that shifts in your brain, I swear, when you get engaged. And then again, when you get married, where you're like, I don't know, the relationship becomes that much more special. Oh, for sure. It's the security. It's the security. I'm being like, yeah, I love it. I absolutely love it. And you choose each other. Yeah, you choose each other for life. Now, I need to go back to something you said earlier because I think a lot of people out there might go through something similar and not have hope or or have tried to go back after a break and it doesn't work.

When did you guys go on a break and how did you know that getting back together was the right decision? Because a lot of people break for a reason. Was there like something that was holding you guys back or what happened there? I think when people take a break like this too, it doesn't have to be necessarily for a negative reason. I agree. I think there's definitely a reason.

And for me, it literally, we went on a date. Our first date was probably like two weeks, three weeks after I had ended my engagement. So the timing just wasn't right. Timing wasn't right. But Ryan and I went on our first date. And it really, it wasn't even supposed to be in my eyes. He knew what I had gone through, I guess, just because we had been friends for a while. Yeah.

He knew what had gone through. But it was not the right time. And for me, he was like, I want to go out with you. but it was also that had just happened for me. And so we started going out and he understood and like I wasn't trying to, I wasn't trying to put on this show of like, I'm healed, let's date, I'm ready to date, I want to get back in it. I was fully under the impression and knowing that I had a lot of healing to do

from what I just went through. It was something to me traumatic to what I went through. And there's a lot. Yes. But I never and still haven't shared with. people because it was a really hard breakup. And it was a really hard relationship. And it took a toll times 10 on my mental health more than I even like to admit, to be honest. Yeah, it was really, it was really hard. And pair that with hot off the press of like leaving the show. I think

it's hard to talk about because, I mean, that's a whole other topic leaving the show and your mental health after leaving this show but oh my gosh yes um yeah i just wasn't in the right mental space to to make your question the long answer but i wasn't in the right mental space and i started dating ryan and i was like wow the first date we had i thought it was going to be a 30 minute coffee date i was circles under my eyes depressed hadn't showered in a couple days it was just not good timing right but i knew he was a human being and i knew he was somebody that i wanted in my life and that i liked more than just friends at this point. And what he wanted for me was just me. He wanted my time. He wanted my energy. And so he knew where I stood. I've always been really, really transparent where

I stand with my mental health and where I'm at in life. And I said, I can't date right now. I can't give you anything serious. I cannot pour from an empty bucket. Right. Yeah, no one can. Yeah. I had nothing to give. and I was completely depleted. That's really incredible that you could acknowledge that because I think a lot of people think that somebody else could fill that up for them and they can for a short period of time. But if you want something to work long term and you want the longevity of engagement and a marriage and you really see this person in your life,

that's really incredible that you're at a point in your life where you can be like, hey, I'm not able to fill up my own bucket right now, let alone somebody else's. So like, let's take a knee on this right now so I can work on myself and then come back to it when we can actually like embrace this relationship. Totally. And he's such an amazing guy. Like I knew he deserved better than that.

And he wanted more for me, which is wonderful. You know, like that's what you want. And so I couldn't give that to him. And he just was like, fair enough. And so we, I did it other people. He did it other people. we just kind of dated and took space and still remain friends still talk still I don't think we hung out but we still talked and then one day we just he was like do you want to go to a

giant baseball game with me and I was like yeah I do and I just when and when I saw him I was like God I just miss him I just missed him really oh that's a good feeling yeah we have just a really good banter and a good friendship. And that was established clearly. So it was just a good, thing. And I knew here was the other thing. I could 1,000% be myself around him. Yeah. Yeah. 1,000% and he loved it. Well, in a world where you're supposed to be, you know, a certain bachelorette, a certain fiancé, a certain television personality. And if you are trying to be yourself, sometimes you're almost like manipulated into not being that person. I know I felt that way as the bachelorette. And I was told like my hair needed to be a certain way. I couldn't

wear the bright lipstick I wanted to. They wanted me to take out my nose ring. They wanted me to not have such harsh language. You know, it's they challenge you on believing in just like being enough as to who you are. And we already do that our whole lives. We all already have those insecurities of am I worthy or am I good enough? And then even when you think you're, in a place where you are, you go on a show like that, and it makes you question everything again. And then it makes you question the relationship that you pick at the end, because you're like, was I even being who I truly was? And then you just go into the spiral of confusion. And then you also feel like the person that has chosen you and the person you have chosen, you're like, was I put

on a pedestal? Do they even know who I really am? Or do they just like want me as the prize because I was the bachelorette? Like everything makes you question everything. And then there's really no, not enough support after so to know that you could be your authentic true self and that's what he genuinely wanted you for and you were like it's not claire the bachelorette it's not clear from the bachelor in paradise like it's me and you you really enjoy me as who i am is like so empowering and like so different yeah a big thing i mean thank you literally for saying that that's something honestly i've been really deeply thinking about the last i would say the last month with these personas, these people who we are on the show,

it's still an edited version and it is a narrative of what the show wants people to believe who we are. It is who we are to an extent, but it's the narrative of what the show wants people to believe we are, these characters, if you want to say that. And for a long time for me, like you said, with your nose ring or your language or this or that, like these are things that make you, you. And putting that, it's almost like it makes you, it takes away your sense of self in a way, I feel like. And for me, always, I went on the show because that was my conversation with production before the show.

I was like, I want to go on because I am getting older. I am totally flawed. I am rough around the edges at times. I can be much. I am an intense personality a lot of the times. But with even all that said, I still. deserve love. Totally. And I want other women, other people out there who are older who are still looking for it to feel so fucking imperfect that they still deserve love as well and to feel that

within themselves. I think a lot of people are like, when I hit this milestone or if I have this with work or if I make this amount of money or to have this house, like, then I'll be ready for a relationship or then I'll be worthy of love. Yeah. But for me, I was like in all my imperfections, that's what I want to put out there to the world. Women, people to see that. And so the exact thing that they wanted me for, to be on the show floor, is what they were shitting on me for.

You know, it's like, well, you know who you want, what you want, you can make the choice right away. All the things that I, the reason I went on there, it was just like, they made it look the opposite, into this character that they wanted to portray me as. And it's like, it's frustrating because it's, It's like I am that way when I'm defensive.

I am that way when I am protected myself. Yeah. And Brian found out what the people who love me and know me find out is that it's like, I'm that way when I'm protecting myself. Yeah. So when your walls are up. Yeah. When you, when you don't feel safe, which it's hard to feel in that environment because

you kind of have to know going into it. Like it was kind of same thing for me where I was like, I want to be this quirky. and edgy and offside Canadian who just goes in guns blazing like that's who I am and that's who I was and it's great because they did portray that. But I also got that used against me when it came to like, you know, the sex shaming and all these things that came along with it. But for you, it felt like, well, and you had so much experience where I feel like you kind of knew games that had to be played, the show that had to be made, what needs to go on. And that's really hard to just play the game if you know too much, where I, when I was a bachelor, I kind of was,

I'm not going to call myself dumb. I was just naive. I just didn't know the ins and outs of making a television show. How are you supposed to know that? How are you literally supposed to? I would never. And so I felt really safe with a lot of people there because, you know, I was like, well, they're not going to hurt me. They're my friends. But it turns out they're producers and they're trying to make a TV show. But so I, I did feel safe. So I was able to like completely be oblivious to any kind of manipulous to any kind of manipulation until the end where I feel like you were so aware of what could be happening to you in order to make television that your walls were up. And so when you didn't feel safe and you didn't feel like you could completely be who you wanted to be on the show, they were like, oh, we're going to

use that against you almost. And we only saw like a small percentage of what Claire is like when she's defensive or unsafe and not a full picture of how, you know, there's so many more sides to you. Totally. And of course they don't show the hours that you're spent listening to people's vulnerabilities and like gut-wrenching stories of the stuff that they've been through in life. And all these conversations that are had till three, four, five, six o'clock in the morning with these men, like they don't show those, those wonderful sides as well when they want to portray you a certain way. And like, I get it. I totally get it. But I think this is also the bigger conversation like I told you that I've been thinking about is I'm really curious. in The Bachelor world, the amount of, and I think it's happening right now, which is good, but the amount of people that leave the show that speak up about their mental health after they get off the show, it's pretty traumatic. And I think a lot of people don't speak up more because a lot of the audience and a lot of people watching are like, why bite the hand that feeds you? They gave you this platform. They made you who you are. But I'm like, I signed up

to fall in love. I signed up to go on this show. I didn't sign up for that. You don't know that that comes along. And it like when it affects your mental health, there's a lot of people. There are so many people, Caitlin, and I know you know this,

like your mental health after the show is just like on another level. No, I've never experienced anything like it. Yeah. I think people cast leaving the show doesn't want to sound ungrateful or this or that or complaining or whatever or not have a chance at Bachelor in Paradise

or not have it, you know, you portray to. certain way, but it's like, I wish more people would speak up that the amount of toll it takes on their mental health because a lot of people felt it. I felt it. I know a lot of other people who felt it. Oh, I think everyone does. Like Clayton has spoken a lot on it too. And they do feel like, oh, why would you? You know, you're all, you're so successful now. Or you get to do this business and you get to live this life. Like, how can you not? But both, I always say like two things

can exist. You can be grateful and happy to have this platform. and use it for good and build a brand and a business, but you can also suffer with your mental health as well from what you've been put through. And you're right, we don't sign up for it. And even though I was like, oh, I have thick skin. I can handle anything. And I really feel like I still can.

But it still took the biggest toll on your mental health because that's just not human nature to go on national television, date a bunch of people, hurt people's feelings, get your feelings hurt, get confused. And I know I also feel guilty sometimes when I talk about the trauma because, and I've talked to my therapist about this because I always think, well, I haven't gone through what other people have gone through in life. Like other people's trauma is just so much worse than mine. What am I complaining that like my mental health was bad after the show that now has set me up for success? And she goes, yeah, but trauma doesn't have to be compared. You can have small tea trauma, big tea trauma.

It can trauma can be like your friends in the seventh grade told you you couldn't. be friends with them anymore, and it, like, shaped you in some ways later down the road in your life. And we can't all compare our traumas. So it's like you saying things were traumatic is very valid from coming off that show. Yeah, it is. And I'm not exactly like you say, two things can exist in the same time. I'm deeply grateful for them. I'm deeply grateful for the opportunities. At the same time, it was a very traumatic thing. And also coming off the show, and I know you know this, the amount of comments and the amount of things that that's also something you cannot prepare yourself for because you don't know how they're going to edit and show you on the show.

So you don't realize when somebody is making these, even if it's coming from it not a good place and you mentally, you're like, I know they're just, they don't even know me. Like you try to rationalize it all. Yeah. It doesn't hurt any less the things that people. And I just, like you say, you're a strong woman. I'm a strong women mentally. Like we are strong women.

Yeah. What about the people that come off these shows that aren't as mentally stable and aren't as aren't as mentally strong? I just don't want their mental something to happen. Yeah. Like I'm shocked. Something hasn't happened thus far. You know what I'm saying?

Like, oh, things have happened. There's there's actually, I was Googling us the other day about, there's been like suicides in the franchise and people's mental health, like really in, you know, the total. for lack of better terms, but like really bad, really, really bad. And some people have spoken on it and some people don't. But you know, people don't want to sound ungrateful. People don't want to sound like, oh, woe is me. But that's not what they're saying. You know, it's, it affects them deeply. What am I doing right now? You ask? Thank you for asking. I would love to tell you. That was my best Elise Meyer's impression. I'm recording a pod, but I'm also drinking Spark to keep the

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I actually wanted to ask you about that because you have been through so much in just your life and over in the franchise and everything that I always think of you. And JVN and I were talking about you actually, just like, I love her. Yeah, he loves you. And he was like, I love him. he was like, tell me she's as great in person because he always gets scared that people aren't and I was like, she is, she's better than what you would think. And we were talking about just how your strength is admirable. So where, where do you think, do you think your strength comes from certain things that you've been through in your life? Or have you always been this

strong person that will just get through anything that comes their way? No, by no means have I been this person all along. I think I developed, I think, at a very young age, a somehow a resiliency that and this tenacious, something inside of me that just wants to be better and do better than stuff that has happened to me in life. And I always feel like, even in relationships, even when it's like, how can you keep going or how do you get back on your feet after a failed relationship, a public failed relationship, or this happened or that happened. And it's like, I don't want anyone or anything to ever get the best of me. That's in my control.

It can get me down. It can hurt me. It can suck for a minute. But my ending, my story is I write that. I love that. I refuse. I just am stubborn and I refuse to let anybody or anything get the best to me on that. I love that, though.

that's a good that's a great way to be stubborn as if you're not going to let people get the best of you or take you out at your knees from comments and nastiness that's that's so great like I do think that's something that people either think you have or you don't but it can definitely be developed over time and over like coaching yourself and taking care of yourself and your mental health and I always think of your internal voice like you go bitch like like you know a lot of people's a lot of people's internal voice would be like that was so stupid of you or why do you do that or you look terrible today and they are so mean to themselves and I used to be one of those I now high-five myself like in the mirror and I'm like

you are so awesome. But I picture your internal voice being the same like you can do anything. Like you got this. No matter what happens, you're going to be okay. Is that what it is? It's funny. I even say it out loud to myself sometimes. Well, like when I, because I can be negative, I can have those voices like. And then I literally turn around and I'm like, watch me. wait are you a jemini no Pisces but literally that my new one too is like around and find out yeah you know like I will I absolutely will I like that too I have comes from because it wasn't Claire younger Claire was not like that and I think I know younger Claire was very sweet very naive very innocent very trusting very quiet very dormant yeah and that never served me right so i hang on

to the things that are the good qualities of that that i'm still sweet i'm still a kind person i'll still yeah anything in the world for the people i love but like there's my boundary like around and find out i'm just so happy for you like looking back on all you've been through in the the past few years and more than few years but from how long i've known who you are i feel like and you were just talking about younger Claire, if you could go back and tell your younger Claire self something, what would you say? Hang in there.

I would say it gets better and better and better. And more things that get thrown my way that are challenges, it's like, watch me. I know what I've overcome. If you would have told younger Claire like that you're going to do this, this and this and this, I'd be like, oh, I don't want to go through that, right? Right.

I don't want to do that. I want to cut to the good stuff, but I think it's all the hard stuff and all the challenging things that I've been through that have given me the strength that I have because every time that I've been knocked down, every time I've been taken out at the knees and I get back up, it's proving to myself exactly what I can overcome. And I think when my, I think that corner turned when my dad passed away, that was like the most devastating thing to me in the world. and I was 20-something years old. Like I was a little baby. Yeah. Basically it felt like. And I thought if I could overcome that, I could sit there and watch him go through that.

Like, I could do anything. Yeah. Nothing is I am untouchable. Nothing can hurt me. It can maybe hurt me temporarily. But nothing can hurt that hurt me. And I was, I overcame that. And I'm okay after that.

And I could survive after that. So if I can get through that, I couldn't get through anything. I always say it takes hitting rock bottom or feeling that rock bottom feeling to prove the resilience to yourself of like what is that that fight inside of you that can just get through anything and always in the moment you think you can't. But once you've gotten through something like that, especially like that kind of loss in your life and you are able to get through it and look back and say like not only did I get through it, but it made me more resilient and no, I can do anything. Like you don't wish bad things upon anyone, but you. just want to like encourage everybody when you do go through something so terrible like just know that your future self will will you know be okay and and you'll be more resilient than ever. Of course. And there's so many times too. And it's not like something happens and then I'm good. And I'm wonderful and I'm this strong woman. It's like I still get knocked down. I still have my days where I couldn't get my bed or I struggled or where I'm like, oh, I will cry my little

eyes out, but get back up. And I shake it off and build it back up one step at a time. So it might take me a minute, but I do. Yeah, that's the, I mean, there's a period of time that you have to give yourself grace in order to feel all of those feelings of any kind of loss, whether it's a job or, you know, like a person or a friendship or an animal, like any, any kind of loss in your life, big or small, you have to give yourself that permission and grace. and time to like feel the feelings. And that's what it takes, you know, to heal. So I hate that you've been through a lot, but love the strength that you have now to get through, you know, whatever it is that comes your way. Now, I want to know more about Ryan because I don't like

how private he is. I can't creep him. Oh, isn't I know you can't creep him. It's kind of like the best thing ever though, right? It's truly the best, the best thing ever. I saw when I saw he was private, I was like, what does that feel like? What does it feel like to be private on Instagram? Is he a really private person? Does he just want his personal life to stay personal on Instagram with people he trusts? Like, what is that like? And especially now dating, engaged dating,

engaged to somebody who is in the public eye. It's, I'll tell you, it's every bit as glorious as I wanted it to be because he, I don't have to step out of the house and worry that my fiancee called the paparazzi or he, anything

he doesn't do anything that I don't know about, you know, like he's, I'm not actually, even being in the public, I am a pretty private person. And so he's the same way I am. There's nothing that's not like, let's go on and be seen tonight. There's a party. Like there's some cameras there. We should go.

Like, it's not, it's not us at all. Take a picture. It's not us at all. He's, he's just a very normal, wonderful, hardworking guy. And he, it's, he'll always say. He's like, you're in the spotlight. That's your thing. That's not my thing.

I'm fine with it. It's cool. He's comfortable and okay with it. But he doesn't need that. He doesn't need that for success. He doesn't need that for his job, which is great. And which makes me love to more and make me want to like brag about him even more because he's not wanting that or needing that for me. Well, especially when and I, I am going to speak for you for a second. And I, I'm not going to say like, I know this for a fact. But from an outsider perspective, I feel like you have dealt with that in the past where you're like, oh, this makes me feel uncomfey or like icky where, you know, like so many dudes come off the show and think they're God's gift to women and this planet. And they think because that moment of fame is very fleeting. So they take it to like as far as they can go. And it ruins relationships and it

ruins a relationship with yourself. And I know it can be a very nasty, icky thing. So to have someone that doesn't do that, you just like appreciate and love it so much more because you're like, you forget how like a humble man is one of the most attractive qualities I think on the planet and um you know for him to be just accepting of what you've gone through in your life confident enough to to know that like he's comfortable with it and he's private and he's already established in his own like world and you are in yours I just I just love it oh thank you so much and I made sure when we started dating and when as we were dating I kept him I kept our relationship just not public for a long time to see if he was around for the right reason. You know what I'm saying?

Like if he was around for me and there was plenty of times where like over this last summer I dealt with some really bad eczema on my body. But to the point where like I was making my skin bleed like and I would just the only thing that would help me would be to sit in the bathtub and just I always call my hassle off moment. But I remember there was a moment where and this is probably I think where the corner turned for me with Ryan was he drew the bath like I was sitting on my bed just ripping my skin open and it was so itchy from this eczema and he drew me an oatmeal filled with oatmeal lit some candles and just I was sitting in the bath just looking like a mess and he sat and he's like let's get you some food I know you're hungry and I sat there

itching so hard that he was sitting there feeding me a cheeseburger and I was like I feel like The cheeseburger mouth. This is a low point, Claire. This is a low point. He sat there and did that. And I was like, this guy doesn't care about the fame. This guy doesn't care about that. He cares about taking care of me and my heart and my soul.

That's what makes a difference for me. And so I was like, all the other stuff, it almost makes me like want to shower with all the good stuff too. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Where is he from? He's from the Bay Area, like near San Francisco. Okay, amazing.

And what's his zodiac sign? Brian, what's your sign? Was he right there? Hi. He's a Libra. Libra. Okay. I don't.

I know like only about Scorpios and Gemini's. I always ask the question and then I go, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even, I know I'm Pisci. Last day of Pisces, but like maybe first day of Ares. I don't even know about my own sign. I know a lot about my own sign and I could get into that.

But that's, that's for another podcast. Okay. And then what was your guys, your first date? I know you said you went to a game, but what was your first date ever? First day ever, we went to coffee, we grabbed, when grabbed coffee, and it was supposed to be literally like a 20 minute, let's just meet up and say hi. Like I said, I was just looking like, yeah, I doubt it felt like my soul. I was, it was bad.

And I was like, let I'll just go. I need to get out. I literally need to just get out of the house. I went up with him. And then like three or four hours later, we were sitting at the coffee shop just cracking up dying laughing and he was sitting there just fully like engaged and like tell me more tell me what I was like a guy who cares what I have to say who wants to talk to me who's like it just everything else that was going wrong in my world at that moment

disappeared yeah oh and I just had the that's like you're like and then we like Ryan the bar was in hell and uh I thought you were just going to like meet me on ground level but like exceeded all expectations. Times 10. I really didn't expect anything crazy. And then I was just like, no, this is actually really nice. I mean, he did this so bad for my soul. Yes. Yes. You know how I know you really love him? How? Because you run marathons now. Right. Were you ever, were you like a runner before? Like I know you've always been into fitness and like, you know, health and wellness. But I was like, she just runs marathons plural now okay casual just a casual weekend one no you know what's that's

that's what he he puts on marathons and puts on races as a career so that's his part of job and so i love love loves we just love being together i've never also been in a relationship where i can spend every moment with somebody and love it like i'm usually like i knew my face but with him i'm like well i just love being around you so when he's worked on the weekends. I'm like, I want to come. I want to be there. And he was even said, like, the first race I ran, he was like, here's the starting line. You can literally run around the corner and just come through and just see me at the end. And I was like, I want to run it. I actually want to run. If I'm coming, I want to run it. And so I'm telling you, there was no better feeling

than like feeling him support me running. Yeah. Him and with like the medal for me, just waiting for me. Oh, that's nice. everything else in the world like with that you know with the the day and he was just standing at the end with the metal and it felt good to support him and have him support me no kidding that's so I love doing so sweet you just ran a marathon without like training for it you're like I want to go I want to run it no no no no well first of all it was not a marathon let me clarify that one I was oh still that's amazing I know and I walked half the way too so I'm 100 percent not a runner but him and I we go like this is also how I know he's perfect for me is

we genuinely like he makes my life better we make each other's life and he makes my life better like we it was one of our our second date I think we third and fourth and fifth date he would come meet me in Sacramento he would drive three times a week like an hour and a half two hours just to go on a walk with me to make sure I got out of bed to make sure like I got fresh air like we would just walk and walk and walk and we still walk and walk and walk and then we started just like walking everywhere together moving and it's kind of like our time together and so we love to go out and walk and just exercise together so yeah i like that because i feel like when you walk you're forced to not look at your phone admire like the outdoors have real conversation

be in the moment like something as simple as walking can actually do wonders for um like mental health relationships. Like, I really, I've never gone for a walk and regretted it. Isn't that the truth? Oh, gosh. I saw the truth. There was even days where I was, I remember being so depressed. I had to convince myself to walk 20 steps to the corner. And I was like, all I have to do today is walk to the corner and walk back and just get that fresh air to the corner back and I'll be good. But once I hit the corner, it was like, dude, I'm going to keep going. Like, do the whole block. Yes. It's. It's so, it's so interesting because I've, I've been there.

I've been there where I was like, I can't even get out of bed, but like, especially having a dog and like the dogs and being like, okay, I got to walk them. And then they get you out of the house. And then you're like, why, why is this so hard to do when it feels this good? Why is it so hard to get your shoes on and walk out that door, knowing it will make you that feel that good. But I mean, that's a whole other story too about how, you know, just like daunting that feeling is of not being able to get up.

out of bed. But I mean, you are also on bed rest for a long time. You got your implants out. Are you fully healed now? Because I know that made you, you, I loved being along for that journey because I'm not going to lie. I'm a really big fan of my itty bitty titties, but I do consider getting implants once in a while because I'm like, well, that'd be nice. That'd be fun. But watching your journey, I was like, I'm embracing Caitlin no Brestos for life. Rocket for life, girl, I'm telling you. I never knew. It's a almost like I didn't realize how bad I felt when I had them. I never knew how good I could feel with them out and not have it. Like I appreciate everything times 10. I thought when I got my implants,

I don't have to wear a bra. I could do this. I could do that. And then I ended up truly wearing a sports bra every day and like strapping them down. I felt like I just had these like jugs of boobs that were not me. And I felt like I felt like I looked bigger in bikinis. I had to wear certain ones to make them not look just these huge big old things on me they were big really i don't remember exactly because i wore sports bras every time and like tried to drop them down but they were they weren't big implants they were just big on my body yeah yeah yeah and yes they i think they were literally like 285 cc so they were not big at all some reason they i don't know if it's how my ribs are shaped they were just looked huge on my body so it just didn't feel like

me and they maybe serve their purpose at the beginning but like even now how i feel without him i'm like oh i love it they don't i can sleep on my stomach every every no pun intended but every perk you can think of that not to not have boobs like i love that yeah i love that and i didn't so it was actually making you feel ill like because there's that what is that sickness called that you get from implant sometimes breast implant illness oh that's literally what it's called okay like you you had that and you didn't realize how bad until they were out? 100%. There's so many symptoms that you can get from that.

Yeah. But I think it all boils down to the each implant has, is made with like a shell around it, right? The capsule of it. So whether you have saline, whether you have silicone, they're all made with the same material. Yeah. That material has like arsenic.

It's got lead. It's got all these really, really toxic ingredients. So you don't, I mean, they give you this pamphlet that's like 20 pages long. when you get the implants, but he really reads those, right? No, you're like, I just want the implants. Let's go. Everybody wants them for a reason.

I would never preface this, obviously, by like, whoever has them, great. If you're not sick, great. Of course. If you, you know, like, I would never more power to anybody who, no judgment is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they do all have the same stuff in them. They do all have the same like stuff in the capsule. That, those toxic heavy metals leak into your liver.

and after a while, if they build up in your liver, your body cannot filter it out. So the side effects from having breast implants, it's not directly from the implants, it's that your liver gets overloaded with the toxins. And because of that, you get, like, I had really dark circles on my eyes. The whites of my eyes were gray. It develops things similar to because your body can't fight off things anymore because it's fighting these so hard. Yeah.

Your body will get like autoimmune symptoms of things. autoimmune conditions such as like eczema, I still deal with the eczema from it and the damage I mean, when you really think about it and when you say it like that, you're like, wow, yeah, that cannot be good for the body. I mean, I do things obviously to alter my appearance with Botox and fillers. Same. Same. By the way. Yeah. And I'm like all the power to people who don't do it and all the power to people who do do it. And that's how, you know, it's our own bodies and we can make that choice. It's just good to know from somebody who has the knowledge to share like, hey, if you are feeling sick, it could be this. Totally. And that was exactly what it was,

was I was in denial of it, but like, maybe it's this, maybe it's that. Let me check this. And I'm somebody who very much takes care of my health. And so I was like, I'm going to go to this doctor. If this is my symptom, I'm going to go to this doctor. Like, I've spent years doing my blood works, doing thermography, doing, like, there's so many things. I ruled out everything that it could have been. That was the only thing that it came down to for me that made sense. And as soon as I took them out, everything resolved itself. Wow.

That's incredible. I'm glad you realized that and are able to share that message too because, again, like you do have this beautiful platform to have a voice and to be able to share something like that could help a lot of people, you know? It could actually probably help a lot of people. I'm sure you got people messaging you being like, I have this or I had that. and thank you for like warning me. I was thinking about doing it.

Now I don't want to or, you know, it's not, it's not any judging. It's all about being informed. Yeah. And I think, I think it's, there's no one single test that can say, yes, this is what you have, which sucks. And it's, I'm sure there's advancements along the way that's going to, there's going to be a test for it. But you, you don't want that to be the cause because there's a reason why people get them. Yeah.

Whether it be insecurity or even. cancers and stuff like that. There's a reason people get them in, all this stuff. So it's really hard. You get them in for a reason. Nobody wants to have them taken out and just be like, let me take these up. Yeah. Like you get them for a reason. Yeah, absolutely. So it's hard for that to be the final decision of like, these got to go. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're feeling good because that's, I mean, that's such a game changer for every day that you wake up. You know what I mean? And also probably sleep better at everything. I think we can all agree that there's nothing like finding

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Go download the E-Harmony app and start free today. I call myself Kermit Bristow sometimes because we're going to spill the tea. But I saw you did an Instagram Q&A with Ryan. And one of the questions was, if you hadn't met your fiancé, would you have gone back to Bachelor at Bachelor in Paradise if they asked? And you answered 100% no. Let's just say there are a few reasons I said yes to leaving the show early. when they brought it up to me.

And I'm like, can we talk about this? Production brought it up to you to leave the show. Like, how did that happen? Did you feel pressured to leave? Like, what, are you allowed to tell me that? Thank you for asking. Nobody's ever asked me that before. Here's the truth.

Yes, I wanted to leave. Yeah. Yes, I didn't mind leaving. It wasn't for the sole reason of being happy and in love. the and like we had talked about earlier the show was there was a lot of pressure there was a lot of circumstances there was a lot of things that happened behind the scenes that i didn't agree with that didn't work for me yeah and i think when somebody is unfortunately mostly i think this happens to women but i think when somebody's a squeaky wheel and you're you're labeled difficult

you're labeled a bit labeled like hard and challenging and it's like I was difficult to deal with on the show because I was saying no to a lot of the things. There was a lot of things that even the dodge ball date that I got just ripped a one by Yosef. You know, like I, that wasn't my decision. I didn't bring 27 dodge balls in the back of my trunk in my car to Palm Springs. Yeah. These things, even that, it wasn't something I really necessarily wanted to do. Yeah.

And there was a little. lot of, like I said, there was a lot of other things that people didn't see, but there was a lot of things that I was pushing back on that I was like, I'm not going to do that. I don't want to do that. Yeah. Even when it comes to kissing somebody. And it, you know, I know you know this. It's like there's a certain expectation that you have to like progress things past a certain level sometimes. And with me being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I won't kiss a man that I don't want to kiss. I don't want somebody to touch me that I don't want them touching me. Yeah.

And I know this is the premise of the show, but there's also, I'm human. And there's also, you don't have to do this. There was a lot of things that I would push back on. There was a lot of things that I was considered difficult about. So, yeah, Chris Harrison came into me and talked to me one day and he said, you can't go on like this. And I said, I want to go on to the end. I want to see this through. Right.

And I believe I saw that on, I believe they aired that, that I was like, I don't know if they did or not, to be honest. But I remember saying, I want, yes, I like Dale, but I want to go through the end. There's been plenty of bachelor's, and I think, especially being a woman who knows what she wants and what she likes. Yep. I knew what I wanted. Yeah. And at the same token, I was told, you know, these guys are going to be so upset. They're going to be hurt at you, that you drag them through this all.

And it's like, God, I don't want to do that to them. I don't want them to hate me. I don't want to drag any guys unnecessarily through this all. So it was a hard, like, I don't, but I wanted to go through to the end. I wanted to see and take the time. You were like in an impossible place. Yeah. And then I kind of sat with it and I was like, you know what?

This is a lot of stress on me. I am away from my mom. I do know what I want. And I still sat there. And like I said, I kind of fought it a little bit. And I was like, I want to go through to the end. I do want, I'll stay here. I want to stay here.

I know what I signed up for. Yeah. And this is just how it goes. I never heard of anybody leaving early. I never knew that that was even enough. And then Chris Harrison was like, you can't do that to these guys. And I was like, well, you look towards production. You look towards Chris Harrison.

You look towards them for guidance. And he was like, you can't do this. And I was like, okay, then, whatever is best for like everybody. I want to do that. And so I love. But ironically, I will say this. At that time during COVID, there was a seven, I believe seven day quarantine. Yeah.

But you had to go through it to even start filming. Right. So the day that I left the show, the day that I left filming, the next day Tasha went in and talked to the guys. So they won 1,000. had that as a backup for yeah okay well yeah that's that's math right there okay interesting i'm sorry and i'm just so at this point in where you're at in life like to see you glow and just like have the self-love with the bonus of a man who loves you and just getting what you know you want and deserve is like such like a full circle magical moment where you're like this is the

movie shit like that we love to see and it's just so so deserving for you thank you so much and it's been like i said i'm not trying to sit here and even talk about like show and production i'm just trying to talk about my mental health and things that are my reality and what has happened and to give some sort of context to why i wasn't such a low point and not even like i said fingers or this or that but just speaking of my truth and Part of healing from something that's difficult in life is being able to speak your truth. I was silent on the stuff that happened to me in life for so long. I refuse to be silent about things now.

And so I think contractually in a lot, it's like you can't speak up and you feel silenced in a lot of ways. But I'm not in that position anymore. And I don't have to be silenced by something that has happened to me and that I want to speak up for. because that is the reality of all these things. It's not this like wonderful thing where you're went from A to B and it's perfect. You know, I still, you know, I struggled deeply after the show. And thankfully after that, I am resilient. And I do believe in love and I still have hope even though the things I've been through.

But it's like if I shut down, I wouldn't be able to have the relationship that I have now with Ryan, you know? So true. It's so true. And I will say like that is part of the reason I like to have people from the friends. franchise on the podcast. That's part of the reason I like to have this podcast is to talk about mental health and things that people have been through and to give certain things context because a lot of times the show can't. And it's not all of their fault. It's like, you know, you have an hour, an hour half to air something and they have to like pick and choose certain

things. But I do think that's why I love having people on as you get an hour to be who you truly are, to speak your truth, to share your stories, to open a door for us. somebody else to feel not alone and to give people context. So thank you for being transparent and honest because I know that can be scary and difficult to do too. But it just, it goes such a long ways. And that's what I look for in other podcasts or other conversations. It's just like making somebody feel heard and seen and give an opportunity for their voice to be heard more than it has. I mean, that was the reason I literally fell in love with Snapchat after I came off the show because I was like, oh shit, I get my own reality, you know, time.

now like this is real i get to have my own freaking show on snapchat and show little snippets of my life and what i want to say like it was magical and then instagram stories happen now i'm like yes everybody gets their own voice yeah before i let you go i need to hear your confession because i heard it's a good one oh my gosh okay it's a good one but like not a good one you know those are the best ones Oh, God. Okay. So obviously I'm in a relationship and I'm engaged to a beautiful man who has two daughters.

Yes. I myself and not, I'm not a mother. Right. Yet. And so I was like learning this whole stepmom thing is like a learning curve, right? Yeah. So I was on the walk and I'm still trying to bond with his daughters. And I love them.

They're the sweetest things in the entire world. and I was on there nine and 11 and I was on a walk with the older one and I was something we were talking about like our plans for Christmas or something and I was like you know does your sister know about Santa not being real yet like how does she feel like what's not

you know how does she feel about it is she does she know yet or what's the deal with that and she was like well no like she's she I guess you could say like she still believes and I'm like oh oh that's so cute that's so adorable like we'll keep that going and i love that you know and so i always after i go on a walk like i was talking to ryan and i was like it was so cute we were talking about santa and how you know the younger ones still believes and he's like they both what oh shit

she still believes in santa because all you told her oh no i just really feel like i just totally ruined you ruined christmas Oh, my gosh. So, that's my embarrassing thing is that I just am like, I sat here with Ryan and I was like, I just, I'm supposed to be here just like, this great stepmom to your daughters. And I just, I'm like, by the way, Santa's not real. Oh, my gosh. Wait, that's a really funny confession though, because now have you had a conversation about it since? Or are you like, no, I'm just going to avoid it?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed because I don't know. I thought at 11 that they know. Well, I'm trying to think. I feel like my niece was 12 when she stopped. But I do, just to make you feel a little better, I do think they kind of know at 11 and 10. I just think they don't want to know that. Like, they just want to still pretend and believe because then they're like,

well, what if I had to get presents or something? So I do think she probably, you maybe confirmed it. I totally confirmed. Santa was not oh my gosh well that's a great confession thank you for sharing it it's not not good so i just was like devastating now i'm just like how am i ever gonna i'm the one that told her you know how you redeem yourself you dress up as santa oh i'll do it i'll do i'll do whatever it takes but i also am under the belief and the saying that like if you believe him he brings presents yeah yeah if you don't believe in him he won't bring presents

If he's not a real thing, he's not going to be presents. Yeah. And you know what? I believe in him. I believe in him. Yeah, absolutely. It's hilarious. I'm sorry, but also thank you for sharing because that's, I'm glad you got that off your chest.

Just step home of the year here. Oh, I love that. But I love that you love them and that you guys all get along and go on little walks. And that's so special because I know how much you love kids. And I can't wait to see you guys get married and have a little family. and it's just all of the things. I cannot freaking wait. And I'm just so happy for you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for joining us for this week's grape therapy. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform. And tune in Thursday for your next session. Hey, Friday Night Lights fans, it's not only football Friday Night Lights and Beyond is an episode-by-episode discussion of the hit TV series Friday Night Lights, hosted by yours truly Scott Porter, who played Jason Street on the show, and my two wonderful co-hosts. Me, Zach Guilford, aka Matt Sarrison.

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