Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Coffee Therapy: Healing Heartbreak with Olivia Caridi

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

This week Kaitlyn is joined by Bachelor alum and fellow podcaster Olivia Caridi for an early morning coffee therapy to discuss moving on from heartbreak, tips to keep your head during a break up, and answer questions from listeners like you! Blink - Visit www.BlinkForHome.com/OFFTHEVINE for Peace of mind starting at $99 Hunt A Killer - Go to HuntAKiller.com/vine for 10% off your first box Third Love - Go to ThirdLove.com/Vine for 15% off your first purchase See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

And Harris Dickinson from Baby Girl and Where the Crawdads sing is Mr. Darcy. And honestly, the chemistry, you guys, it's everything. Plus, you've got icons like Glenn Close, Bill Nye and Will Polter in the mix. Talk about a dream cast. Now, what I love is how Marissa pulls you right into Lizzie's world, her stubbornness, her wit, her messy family dynamics, and of course, her complicated feelings for Darcy. And with a vibrant new adaptation and original score by Grammy-nominated composer, it just feels so fresh and modern while still keeping that timeless Jane Austen charm.

So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. We're on with OTV. Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy. Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your questions. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin.

Okay, welcome to, it's usually grape therapy, but today we're dropping the grape and doubling up on the therapy. It's coffee therapy. One, because it's, what time? It is eight in the morning. It feels earlier. Oh, did I just accidentally pull up my American Express Platinum card? Are you going into the Delta Sky Club with me?

Because I'm dressed in my pantsuit. Yeah, you are. I love the pantsuit. It's not cute. No, I actually love the purple pantsuit with the Delta. team. Well, I'll pass it along to who was it? Zach Posen. Oh, nice work, Zach. So yeah, we're definitely not drinking wine. Even though I'm not against drinking wine at 8 in the morning. If I wasn't going to work, I would. And I would if I wasn't sick as a freaking dog right now. I'm dying. I woke up

this morning with like the worst sore throat. I'm like, you'll hear me cough through this podcast, at least once or twice. And I'm just so congested. I feel sick. I'm just run down. I'm run down. Okay. I hear you. A lot going on. So we're doubling up on. the therapy today. And I thought that was a good one for a great therapy episode to do heartbreak because one, it's fitting. And two, who doesn't go through heartbreak? There are so many people going through heartbreak. And it's funny because according to these people, you are like the all-knowing of what to do in the midst of heartbreak. And I would say that has a lot to do with age. It's entirely possible. Because each breakup to me gets easier.

same with me yeah i mean my first heartbreak was bad yeah like oh how many heart how many bad heartbreaks have you had two okay and what age my first one i was 20 yeah and that one like took me like a year really and a half see that's actually not my last my biggest heartbreak yeah took me about three years to get past have you ever heard that it takes if you take the amount of the relationship it's half that time to get over it yes that's true no you know what and I would say it took me half that it was like a year and a half before I could really like be okay yeah and then it was another year and a half before I was like through the therapy like my therapist made me sit in a chair and and have a conversation with him not being there yeah and so I had to sit

in a chair and look at an empty chair and I had to say my feelings and then I had to switch chairs and be him and and say what I think he would say back to me and I had a full conversation with my ex-X now not not Sean but my other X X yeah yeah I had a full conversation without him even being there and something shifted in my brain so that's a good idea for people yes because I think sometimes you don't get the closure that you need never and I think you're you're confused and you're left wondering why certain things happen and why they're behaving a certain way now and I mean I should even take this advice again for what for this breakup because it something shifts in your brain when you can have that powerful conversation really be into it and not like because at first I was laughing I was like this is so dumb maybe we should do should we do right now I'll be I'll be Sean okay I'll be Caitlin maybe I should be kidding yeah and yeah I honestly think people should try it because I think that way you're not having a conversation with someone who's being defensive You're saying, like, you know that person.

You know what they would say if they were in a healthy mindset. Right. And you have that healthy conversation with them. And something shifts, I'm telling you. Well, it's so often, so often you don't get to have, like, a conversation closure-wise. Right. And like a healthy one where you're not being, you know, you're just being vulnerable. My last one I did.

You did? I got to have one. Wow. Yeah. And it went well? It went great. Wow. Yeah.

The breakup. up was weird. Yeah. And I think he knew it was weird too. Like he called me. Yeah. It was very like, yeah.

Kurt and strange. And so a couple days later, he actually reached out to me and was asked if I wanted to meet up. Yeah. And I remember I had to like like train myself. Yeah. My sister is like a dude. Yeah.

There's like no emotions. Wow. And she just said you cannot cry. You cannot get mad. Yeah. You have to be even keel. Yeah. And you can't place blame.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. And so. I went into it and I just was like very level headed and we ended up, you know, I got that text afterwards being like, I've missed you. And then I could be like, bitch back. Yeah. So that's true. I think being level headed and having like a moment before you go into a conversation like that where you're just like I'm going to be, I can crumble after and I can break, but I'm going to be strong through this because that will help you in the end having like a strong conversation. Yeah. I hate to say like you have to be

cool and kind and collected because I mean, there's obviously so many different. factors and breakups, but my mom always trained me to just keep it even keel. Yeah. Because so much of breakups, I feel like nowadays are about winning and about being on top. Yes. And you never want to go into something weak and emotional, at least to the person who should have made you weak and emotional. Right.

You know? Right. So I went into it and I was like, I wore a nice, I wore Brandy's bomber that said rebel on the back, which is all to do it. Yes. I was like, Brandy, I'm going in your closet and I'm taking the dumbest jacket that you have. But it's like you learn those things because my friend is going through a breakup right now, my friend in Seattle. And she is mortified by some of the things she did in like the breakup.

Yeah. And so I was trying to make her feel better. And I was telling her the story of how I behaved in the midst of my first breakup, which was like bad. Yeah. It was hours long. Oh. I ended up falling asleep in his bed. oh no for a long time and he did too it's not like he kicked me out well it's exhausting it was so tiring

yeah because like we we met up for just a talk and it turned into a breakup yeah he was crying and then he was going back and forth yeah and then i was crying and then i but it was bad i mean before i left i was smelling his clothes oh oh that breaks my heart it was really gross but she i was trying to make her feel like yeah yeah better she said i was begging and i I'm so embarrassed. And I was like, don't be embarrassed. We all do crazy stuff. Oh, cops were involved in one of my breakups.

Oh, I don't have cops yet. Yeah. Yeah, that was embarrassing. That's such a bummer. Yeah, no, that's embarrassing. But it's true. What's so, it's like comforting and discouraging at the same time how many people are going through heartbreak in the world because you're like, okay, I'm not alone.

There's so many people going through this, but also like, is anyone happy? No, is anyone? please are you happy no I have a couple there was actually a really funny one that I wanted to read and um oh my gosh well everyone obviously first off I'm gonna be the leader of this podcast today before we started please be the leader because I'm really not feeling well and I love that you can because you're so good at this to you so please be the leader so many people are saying like that I am responsible for making sure that you you know that everyone loves you and is thinking about you And you know what, people have been so kind through this because it sucks, you know, like I'm, I just want to before, before we go on, I do want to say like, this has been obviously a struggle since July. And I did a podcast about it in September because people are like, why aren't you posting with each other? Like, why aren't you liking each other's photos? And I was very open saying like, yeah, things aren't easy right now. So I feel like I've been grieving this relationship since the summer. Yeah. So I am like, I'm healing and I'm moving forward now.

but it took me a long time to get there and I was hurting for a really long time so I'm like trying to think about what I was doing to get through the hard times and honestly I'm like a big fan of feeling your feelings like oh same you know I would just sit and cry yeah I wrote something about this but I would I would you know pick myself up

and put a scrunchy in my hair and throw on like some gangster music and I would like be like okay and you're going to go for a run today because that's going to make you feel better and it's pushing yourself and it's allowing yourself to crumble on the ground and be weak and just cry and picking yourself up and feeling empowered by doing something after that and knowing that you're going to be okay. I said, make friends with your heartbreak.

Yeah. Feel it. Sit in it. It's the temptation to forge past it and pretend it isn't there. It takes immense courage to be sad. Oh, I like that. It takes immense courage to be sad. Yeah.

And talk about being sad. Like, don't hide your heart. heartbreak. Yeah. Like find a support group, um, whether it's friends or family or whatnot. Um, and talk about it. Yeah. And like live in it. Yeah. For a little bit. That's, that's my girlfriend Erin Trillor, who I've had on the podcast a few times. She always says to sit in being uncomfortable. Just sit in it. Yeah. And feel that and feel it. And write things down and understand why. Writing things down. Yeah. I wrote down a couple thoughts. Okay. Oh, please tell me. Maybe I should write them down.

well they're stupid okay um i've always do not stock did did you unfollow sean i just did i think yesterday how did that feel it i it feels immature though i know and i wrote down don't feel like it's petty or childish to do something that will help you yeah because he unfollowed me a while ago which i did he yeah well and i didn't know but people were obviously telling you yeah and so then i was like well I don't you know it it pains my soul to see Tucker it it actually does like I can't talk about it too much longer than this right now because I will cry yeah but I can't handle grieving the loss of Tucker I can't I go hour by hour through my days trying to like get past that then we won't talk about anymore yeah um but yeah don't stock your ex I never stock it it's too

painful I was a I stocked um I had I'm an I'm an avid unfollower just because it's best for me. And I just feel like you're never, you're going to look or you're going to want to look. Yeah. But you're never going to see anything that makes you happy. Never. Can I tell you there's obviously the article that people saw about Sean with with this girl. Right.

I didn't even read the article. I didn't even look her up. I don't want to know because you know what. He has the right to hang out with whoever he wants. Yeah. And as much as it can like, even when you're ready to like if you know that's not your person, it's still sting. And I understand that.

But to me, I'm like, that's digging and looking. I'm only going to put false thoughts into my head. I'm going to start believing something that isn't true. I'm going to start comparing. I'm going to start asking myself too many dumb questions that don't matter. And I don't want to do that to myself. It's just, it's unhealthy. Yeah.

Clicking on an article in our situation in a public figure kind of life or just searching him on Facebook. Yeah. It is so rare that you're going to find something. It's either going to break you down Or you're just going to get nothing out of it Right. So that's my thing.

Don't stalk your ex. Don't stop. But also like resist the temptation to just shit talk your ex. Yeah. Yep. Yes. That's what I think.

Like I think the best way to feel kindness towards yourself is to feel kindness towards your ex. Yeah. And my mom always says just because he's not your guy or girl doesn't mean that he's a bad guy. That's true. And the more hatred you put into your, your life every day.

Like, I know it's tempting to want to just be like, well, he did this or he's doing this. It just doesn't, in the end, like, it doesn't help anyone. Yeah. And it doesn't make you look any better. No. To just go around and shit talk someone. So, yeah. No.

No. No. I don't even know how to avoid that if you know their number off by heart. But like, whatever it takes, delete it. Yeah. I mean, if you know the number. Get your friend. to take your phone

and put the number in as someone else so that you can't find that name. Totally. Because I always, the first time I did the do not text thing, but it didn't work. You still did. Of course.

And then if you do, don't shame yourself, but also don't be offended if he doesn't answer. Right. Because I know my first boyfriend, I was bad. I texted him quite a bit

after the breakup, mostly because it was just really hard for me to lose that person in my life. he never once responded not one time and I remember like that breaking me and so so yeah I mean you always have to prepare yourself yeah for them to not respond if you do do that yeah but don't but please don't I know you guys have heard me mention my favorite bra you know my third love bra fits like a G to D dream third love uses millions of real women's measurements and designs its bras with breast size and shape in mind for an amazing fit and incredible feel.

A big reason why it fits so well is because their love has more sizes than most other brands. They're a leader in the industry with 70 sizes, including their signature half cup sizes. Perfect for me. Over 10 million women have taken the quiz to date. It's actually really fun and it takes less than a minute to complete because that way you don't have to go into the store and have those awkward fitting room experiences. their hands down the most comfortable bras you will ever own. Like, it feels like I always say, you know how girls want to take their bra off at the end of the day.

You actually don't. It's like memory foam on your breasts. Lightweight, super thin, memory foam cups. Come on now. Third Love's team of expert fit styles are dedicated to helping you find your perfect fit. If you don't love their product, returns, and exchanges are free and easy. Third Love knows there's a perfect bra for everyone. So right now, they're offering my listeners 15% off your first.

order. So go to third love.com slash find now to find your perfect fitting bra and get 15% off your first purchase. That's third love.com slash fine for 15% off today. These are really good tips. Yeah. I don't know. Give more. Um, uh, eat, eat. That seed to me, okay, this was a big one for me because I'm already a very tiny human. Right. And I knew that I was like, I cannot lose weight. Like I don't want to people will jump on me and i don't want to just for myself like i i want to remain healthy through this hard time because that's it's going to make me feel better yeah and so i would like you know every morning i'd be like i'd feel sick i'd want to cry and i would just pop that piece of toast in the toaster and i would just slap off some peanut butter and i would just chop up a couple bn b a n-a-n-n-s

oh b i was trying to spell bananas but i would force myself to eat because at the end of the day that would make me feel better, but I still lost weight because of stress. Well, you do, yeah. I mean, I always make the joke. Like, I love going through breakups because I get so skinny. It's a funny joke. But, like, I got unhealthy skinny a few times. And I know it'll be hard, but force yourself to either eat or work out at least. Stay healthy. Like, don't lift weights. Go boxing. It's so empowering. Don't hit people, but hit bags. Yeah. Bag's bags. Yeah. Hit bags. Yeah. Hit bags. Hit bags. Not people.

Oh, no, I wanted to read this funny. Oh, yeah. This is what I do, Olivia. I interrupt my guests and I start talking about myself. So please continue where you work. I haven't been in a relationship in 87 years. It's been 87 years. No, someone just wrote in and I thought this was so funny. Not even lying. One time I was dating this guy roughly a year and he cheated on me. I was 22, devastated. He was 28 and an asshole. Longstead. story short a few months later he was training at work both in the coast guard and a rope got wrapped around his hand while doing training with a helicopter and it ripped his thumb off gone forever karma never felt so satisfied i do believe in karma i do believe in karma like who what yeah but it is

funny people are sending a lot of messages with like what should i do about this and i don't feel like I'm in the position to ever give advice about breakups. I'm here for them. Are you? Yes. I feel like I love giving advice on breakups and this kind of thing because I do feel like I've gone through someone cheating on me. I've gone through somebody just like we looked at rings and then decided that he couldn't

do it with me anymore. I'm just going to interview you. Yeah. Please do. My boyfriend of six and a half years just broke up with me. He said he loves me, but he's not in love with me anymore. I'm really struggling with missing him and missing our life. How does Caitlin get through that loneliness and grief?

Okay, you know what? That's so sad because I think from growing up, my parents fell out of love and they still have a great friendship and I'm very like blessed for how our like two families can get along. But they fell out of love and that's like my biggest fear in life now. And I think sometimes I even push relationships away in like a time of love because I'm like you're going to fall out of love with me. So I almost like channel that and make it happen. I probably have that attitude too.

But it's hard to like come back from that because every time something bad happens to you, that little bit of fear is just like in your brain, in the back of your mind going into the next relationship. But going through like the grief and what was the question? How do you get through grief and six years is a long time? And I think part of it is just time, which is not what anybody wants to hear because that's not easy. that just means waiting for yourself to like get through something but i honestly do think um not never blaming never don't blame them and don't blame yourself like just the the i've

talked about this book so many times on the podcast and it's called the four agreements and one of them one of the four agreements you should live by is to not take anything personally so you can't blame yourself for that breakup and you have to take everything bad from it and learn from it and understand why those bad things happened and why did people fall out of love and did did you fall out of love too like maybe she did and she just hasn't and but she just didn't want to accept it yeah and it hurts to hear it back the truth like I don't know I just I think it's really like digging into the wise and but not like focusing on them in a way where you're like right like just write them down get through it and and learn from it instead of focusing on it and being like never no one's ever

going to love me again i like sometimes will look at myself in the mirror and be like you are a badass bitch totally and somebody is somebody is going to look at you and be like you know like you just haven't found that person yet yeah and when you do you will understand all these shitty things you're going through so i think it's just going through the grief is feeling things writing them down learning from them and then picking yourself up and telling yourself you're a badass bitch Mere high fives. That's all you can do. And that's super powerful.

And all those tips that you just said, tell her to write those down. Please write those are good. Please write those down. Oh, have you ever had an experience where venting to your close friends about relationship issues cause negatives in a way that your close friends then perceive the relationship? Oh, like you talk shit about the relationship and then the friends think all these negative thoughts. might go back to talking shit about your significant other yeah i mean i you naturally talk shit about your ex you just naturally do it and if they've done something that's hurt you you're going

to talk bad about it but it's just like are you still she's saying like they're still with the person i think she's still with the person and i've experienced this before yeah my friend i only saw like or heard about the worst parts right of my my my friends relationship yeah and I hated him yeah like in the moment and I'm sure he had good qualities but all I heard was the bad stuff right which as goes back to like you know it's obvious like everyone wants to talk and vent and like there you should never feel bad about talking about the hard times but make sure that you know the people around you the same way you would say to your family all the best things about oh this guy I want you to really like this guy like

your friends need to like your significant other too so make sure that you're going to stay with him right yeah so make sure that they know the the positive qualities of your significant other and and I think somebody would want that oh my gosh I'm getting so stuffed up and if and if you're only talking about the crap stuff and there isn't good things to say then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship right right there very that's just a fact right there but yeah that's the same way you'd want like if they were talking to their friends you would want them to not just say all the bad things that you know like just yeah you'd want them to say what the things you do right to hey livia kately um i'm a new member of the broken engagement club after a three-year

relationship um when is it appropriate to tell someone you're dating that you've been engaged previously oh whoa shit i didn't realize i was part of that club till right now i was engaged holy shit you were engaged i have to tell the next guy well i think they might know it's different Yeah, it's a little different for me because I'll be like, look, it was the show. But I don't think you should be ashamed of a broken engagement, though. Like, I don't think it's something you need to like focus on to be like, when should I tell them? Just let it come up naturally if it, you know, like, oh, what the, oh, your ex. Oh, yeah, we were engaged.

Like, and you don't know. Well, I mean, you don't have to brush over it like that either. But I mean, being engaged, the only difference is is a ring in like the title, right? Like, I mean, everybody thinks when they're in a relationship, they're going to spend the rest of their life. with that person that's why you're in a relationship and if anything it shows that you're someone who has thought about that kind of commitment yeah yeah ready for that kind of commitment if a guy was like i've been engaged before i would not be a red flag no me either actually not at all no i'd be like great yeah and and what it probably didn't work with it which is great which is great

but you know that you realized beforehand that you also have the awareness that this is not the right thing wow something that i struggle with yeah is you know i have friends who will tell me these things and obviously like I want to be there for people who are going through breakups but sometimes I'm hearing things they're saying and I'm like how do you not realize that this guy is such a piece of shit yeah yes you're saying all these things out loud empathy yeah I have a message from this person yeah been on and off for three and a half years breaks up never really lets you move on every time you actually start to move on he comes back you know sometimes he'll say he wants marriage and kids and then you realize

after six weeks that he hasn't changed. Is he just saying he sees a future with you to keep you around? Of course. Yes, of course. That is manipulative. It's manipulation 101. Yeah. I talked about this on, I just recorded a podcast with Christina Schulman.

Yeah. About breadcrumming and do you know breadcrumming? What's that? This is a really big problem, I think, in relationships and breakups and heartbreak is, you know, it used to be ghosting, which it's still ghosting. Yeah. Or like they just disappear entirely. But then you've got the guys or the girls who leave a trail.

And they'll always leave little remnants of food so that you'll keep coming back. But they're never going to be what you want them to be. Yeah. And my mom always compared dating to like a puzzle, right? So there's a bunch of guys or girls on a table, all puzzle pieces. And you can try to make up. It could work. I mean, you can fit some pieces.

But there's one piece. that's going to work one i love that analogy yeah and you can keep trying it's frustrating and it's all it doesn't make any sense dating sucks it's part of the process yeah it is it's part of the the goal breakups yeah they suck but they're that's the process i have learned so much from each breakup and i have gotten better each each relationship and they suck but like you can't find you you have to put all the pieces that don't fit together before you get to the one that does yeah and that's why if we look at if we look at breakups differently if we look at them as like thank goodness i didn't end up with the wrong person yes that is what i'm trying to do and you can you can't you can everyone can

yeah like and that's why i try to look at breakups with some sort of um gratitude yeah yeah that like thank goodness that this puzzle piece i'm sick of trying to fit to fit If it's meant to work, I really truly believe it's going to work. And all these things that we have in our mind of, oh, but he says he cares. He don't care. Yeah, you don't care. He's going to change. He ain't going to change.

No, he ain't going to. Unless you see him, like, proactively going to therapy and, like, working on it and you see improvements. But otherwise, no, that's, you got to put on that power pony and channel your Ariana Grande and say, thank you next. Thank you. Next. Olivia, I don't know if you're into this like I am, but have you read just about every crime thriller book on the shelf? Do you love crime thrillers?

Itching for more, we have just the thing for you, Olivia. Introducing Hunt a Killer, your new favorite obsession. Hunt a killer is a monthly subscription where you become a detective immersed in a murder mystery. Each month, a fictional serial killer will send you cryptic clues, objects, and letters that you can actually use to solve the crime in real time. It's so interactive and convincing that it actually looks and feels real. Hunt a Killer is perfect to play solo as a date night or for a game night with friends so you can exchange theories and you can even join their online community working with other people who are at the same point as you in the story.

Over 60,000 people have joined Hunter Killer's online community and they have over a thousand five-star customer reviews. I love hosting parties. I love playing games. I received the box and it was super exciting because it's, It's so engaging, and it's super unique. It feels like being put into a show that you can, like, touch and feel. I love it. Right now, just for our listeners, you can go to hunticiller.com slash vine for 10% off your first box.

They only accept 200 members per day, so please hurry and take advantage of this offer. That's hunticiller.com slash vine for 10% off your first box. Hunticiller.com slash vine. See if you have what it takes to get into the mindset of a serial killer and solve the mystery. We'll be right back with more off the line. Fine. Great Therapy. Alexa isn't the only one with breaking news. Make sure to hang around at the end of this podcast for the latest breaking headlines on the AP News Minute.

Hey guys, it's Jack Manick from the Lady Gang, and I am sitting here with True Crime TV producer and my best friend, Alexis Linkletter, and we are so excited that we are finally launching our true crime podcast called The First Degree right here on Podcast One. In each week, we are going to bring you. the craziest true crime stories and talk to the people who are one degree away from each of these crazy events. And we've dragged crime journalist Billy Jensen along for the ride and he can't get rid of us. Join us on the first degree every Wednesday on podcast.1.com in the PC1 app. Also remember to rate and review. Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Let's talk about going back to an ex.

Have you, I'm just interviewing. No, please do. This makes me happy. Have you ever wanted to or gone back to an ex? Yeah, of course. Yeah. So the one that, the one that I lived in Germany with, the one who was before the show. Right.

That was definitely the hardest breakup of my life. Yeah. And I would have gone back a million times over until I, like, I thank God I didn't. And he moved on very quickly, which was very tough. Oh, so good, mine. Yeah. And so I couldn't have that option. And now I'm like, thank God I didn't.

Right. Because why do you want to keep revisiting misery? Like, why do you want to keep going? Yeah. This is my girlfriend is doing the same thing and she's been doing it for 10 years. Oh. 10 years. Do you know how much time she's wasted just going back?

I just don't. Like, I think if you can, here's what I, here's what I wrote about. getting back with an ex. Okay, good. I have something too. But I didn't write it. Well, I just, I think like, I don't know if I believe in getting back together with an ex.

And I admit, and I've been freaking out, like, my ex has randomly, of five years. I have not spoken to this kid in five years. Wow. But he, he crosses my mind a lot. Yeah. As like, potentially, like, maybe it was a painful breakup. We were kids when we met. Yeah.

I know all that stuff. but like i do look at the situation that we had and i think the problems that we had back then would still be problems today right and you really have to look at an x and think one you ended for a reason yeah and two like if you can if you can look at someone and say one here's all the skeletons here's if the reason that you broke up has not changed there is no reason to get back together that's what i think yeah no i totally agree like if you broke up because because he doesn't want kids. Right.

Or I don't know what. If you just don't see him as a partner. Yeah. I don't know. Like, yeah, no, I agree with that.

I don't know if I believe in getting back with an ex, which sounds super hypocritical because I, because you're thinking, I have been thinking of my ex recently. Well, that doesn't mean you think it's a great idea. No. I can find 50,000 reasons why.

Right. But it's probably not right. But it's allowed to cross your mind because we all, I still to this day, have dreams about my high school sweetheart like it'll be the whatever like I would be with Sean yeah and it would be Sean in my dream but it would be it would be my ex's face that's so weird it's so but our minds are weird I'm actually flying to New York okay in a week to go to this therapist that's like famous I'm flying to New York too can I come yeah yeah oh my gosh what are you gonna

be there oh no it's a little before yeah but I'm going to listen to this like speaker and therapist on relationships and I'm so excited but we should record a follow-up session we should we actually should that's a great idea because it's on her Instagram is mindful MFT yep um and this is what my girlfriend sent the one that keeps going back and I loved this and this resonated with me it resonated with her and it says listen my friend if one person doesn't want the relationship then it's simply not a fit no sense trying to figure out why they don't want it no sense blaming it on their commitment issues No sense waiting around for them to realize they wanted it after all because it doesn't matter that they don't want or it doesn't matter why they don't want it. What matters is that you are met heart on by a fully engaged partner.

If they don't want it, then you don't want it because you don't want to be with someone who isn't there for it fully. That's the thing about love relationships. It's an agreement that has to be signed by both souls. If one doesn't sign, then nothing has been lost. If it's not a fit for them, it's not a fit for you either. And that hit me right in the heart because I was like, if one person isn't fully there and showing up every day, the way that you are, that's not a fit. Nope. And it never will be.

And you will spend your whole life wondering why and trying to get them to. And that's only going to push them away further. And they are who they are and you are who you are. And if you have, I am such a lover. And I'm just like, you don't want to quit on people. No, never. Yeah. And when someone happens a lot, probably especially with women.

Yeah. I'd say we, we are nurturers. Yeah. We want to nurture a relationship. Yeah, always. And so often I feel like maybe we, or at least with me, I put the other person before my own needs to the point where I start resenting that person because I'm like, my needs aren't being met.

Right. And I'm bending over backwards to make your needs met and you're not doing anything. Yeah. So, no, I agree with that. That happens a lot with with people. And then you start taking on their demons and then I like, you know, like there's just times where I'm like, God, I was not good in the relationship. I was not who I should have been and, and not, I'm not blaming myself or anyone else.

But like, why did I allow myself to go down there? Like, why did I allow myself to get that low and that lost? There was a girl that reached out to me talking about feeling lost in a relationship and how like hard that is. And God, that was, you know. in in Germany I completely lost myself I was a different human my friends were even like who are you like you're not fun happy bubbly energetic Caitlin you are like a skeleton of yourself and and and I think it's just being self-aware and and knowing that like you have one freaking life like one life to to

find a partner that shows up fully one life to like be happy and to everything like one time and if you're in that for 10 years like my girlfriend going back and forth that's hello i'm so sorry no that's i should probably draw mine off okay and it's 10 years of your life that you have wasted being unhappy when you could have been open to someone who's going to treat you right like and it will and it will and it will and that's why i feel i relate so hard to these people who are writing in and do i give up on this what you should not have to ask yourself all of these questions right and you can go through tough times and you can go to couples therapy and you can go to couples therapy and you can work through things,

but I think you always know deep down if it's a right fit. I think you know. You can really look at something with an unbiased kind of view. I think that was really tough for me to accept that it wasn't the right fit. Yeah.

This with Sean. I think that was really hard for me to accept for a very long time. He really fought for that one. I really fought for it. Yeah. And I was like, no, this has to work.

I love him and I'm like, he is my partner and we are engaged in that. take that commitment very seriously. And it was really hard for me to accept it. And I just kept crying and fighting and wanting it so badly until I couldn't anymore. Yeah. I did until I didn't. And then I was like, what, hello? Like, I think you cried your way out of that relationship. I cried my way out of it. And I really did grieve it. And for, for a while. And, and, and I think it's just like, I, I finally accepted that it's okay that we're not the right fit. And that's okay. Like, it goes back to just because he's not your person doesn't mean he's a bad person. Right.

at the end of the day my hope for all humans is just that we can be happy whether we're with each other or not with each other if you can get to a point where you look at a relationship with fondness and hope that the other human like just I if you can say I hope this person one day will be happy whether it's with me or without me right that's a really powerful place to get to yeah if you can look at something without resentment yeah anger because anger only hardens your Yeah, it's a disservice to yourself. That's such a good point. Yeah. And no matter, I mean, obviously there's different, I mean, it's so hard to think of a guy who maybe cheated on you. Yeah. To be like, I hope.

I hope you're happy. Like, and genuinely mean, not, I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy. Not like, I hope that one day you're, you're happy. Yeah. That's really hard, but super empowering. Yeah.

I think. That's, I'm trying to be that way. Like, because I do, I really do want him to be happy. Yeah. and I want to be happy and I don't know what that means if that means it's with somebody else or within I'm happy within myself though like which is so important I know if I'm if I move on to me that makes sense because I'm like I'm in a place where I am happy with my heart I'm happy with who I am I'm at where I'm at in life I'm happy with the things I want out of life and just

who I am as a person up yeah and that's and that's all I could ever ask for so I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready to find somebody that, like, is that puzzle piece that fits because I've already, I am, I'm a completed puzzle myself. That's freaking awesome. There's just a little bonus piece floating around somewhere that's going to, no, it's, it's the piece that, like, fell off the table. Yeah. And it's been hidden under this chair for like ages and you couldn't find it. And you're like, oh, whatever. Yeah. You're going to find it. You're going to be vacuuming one day. And you're going to, and you're, it's going to, yeah, get stuck in the vacuum. And it's, you're, And you're not going to be, get out of the vacuum.

And you're just going to put it in there and you're going to be like, and you're not going to realize how much that puzzle meant to you until that last piece is in there. And then finally, your puzzle of life is, is complete. And the puzzle says, thank you next. Thank you next. I'm so sick of seeing that on my Twitter. No, one thing that I, I've always, um, that's helped me with the pain of a present breakup is if I look back on all of my other heartbreaks or, you know, big big time breakups i always years later months later i get it yeah it makes sense yeah so if i can put myself in that mode of like in this in the past when i felt like this after time it has made sense

yes yes and it you'll look at this and say that's why it didn't work and if you can hold on to that hope that after time as we've said time sucks yeah so hard but it makes sense but it makes sense every time. Every single time it makes sense. Every time. No matter what. Can you look at all your breakups and say that's why it happened? Yes. Every single one of them. Even including this one and people might think that's soon. But like it's not for me. It's just, you know, people in the outside world think this is, you know. As someone who was there with you and a lot of different stages, like you, the relationship was kind of over long before it was publicly over. Right. Right. Right. So you've had time that people don't really notice to move on.

And I wasn't open with my pain in the time that I was actually in pain because I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if it was going to work out. I didn't know if we were going to get through it. I think I held on to that hope and I didn't want to show my pain. I felt it. My family saw it. My friend saw it.

You know? Hey guys, quickly. I'm sure you've heard me talk about blink before. It's an ultra affordable 100% wire free home security. camera, which might actually be the most convenient feature because it means that you can place it anywhere inside or outside your home. The blink cameras run on only two double eight batteries and for up to two years. I am loving this now more than ever because Christmas shopping season,

I have like 10 times the packages coming. Honestly, I didn't think that was possible. But with blink, you can make a one-time purchase and have access to a bunch of great features. There are absolutely no subscriptions or fees to choose from, and blink cameras start at only $99. blink utilizes a free android apple and amazon fire tablet app that allows customers to view video from their cameras anywhere in the world whether you're traveling out of the country or you just want to check in on your home while you're at work blink grants you a peace of mind no matter where you are with instant motion alerts to your smartphone when the activity is captured on your cameras you will know exactly what's going on in your home right as it happens if you just want to make sure your kids make it home from school you want to keep an eye on the pets blink does it all plus the setup is so simple i had zero trouble doing it all by myself from downloading the app to onboarding the sync module and adding your cameras the entire process should only take five minutes or less so get yours go to blinkforhome dot com slash off the vine now one more time that is blinkforhome dot com slash off the vine i'm going to interview you okay please do yeah i actually love this okay great erika peterson most boss decision

since becoming single oh oh there's a few i'm trying to choose You boss. I really try to choose. Most boss decisions since being single would be taking over the house and really like making plans to make it my own. That was my favorite boss decision that you made. Really? When you told me, because I saw you came into the sky club right after and you said, I'm going to just take the house. And I was like, yes.

Yeah, I want to, I want to like that house is so gangster to me and I'm obsessed with it. And people might think it's weird to stay in the home. But to me, I've made that home. home, my dream home and what I want it to be. And I'm going to continue to do that. So you're going to stay in Nashville. And I've got a gangster ass freaking office in there. And I'm just, you know, all the and I'm like, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to start my own wine label. I've got work to do. And the most boss thing I've done is just focus on my career and myself now. There you go. Are you staying in Nashville? For a while. Yeah. It's going to be that's, you know what? Knowing that Tucker is 15 minutes down the

road from me kills me every single day. I can't, I can't handle the loss of the dog. I can handle the loss of a relationship because I can see and understand why. I don't understand why Tucker can't be in my life. I can't accept it yet. I can't. But that's the hardest part about being in Nashville for me. Yeah. But yeah, I'll stay there for a while. Okay, good. Yeah. Oh, I liked this one. Do you prefer staying in and sulking or going out with friends and saying, fuck it. Both. Same. I really love sulking and I love crying and I love listening to sad music and I love writing things down and trying to understand and then saying, okay, great, now wash your face and go out and get f***ed.

Get out. My bad decisions. Maybe even like make out with a random guy at a bar. Oh my God. No, I can't. No. I did that during my college breakup. When people cared about who I was.

Does it? Not even. Yes, they do. Fairly. Not why do you think you're on my podcast? Because people care what you have to say. Because I interview you. But that's my, I love that.

Trust me. I love it. But that's, I can't imagine myself making out with a dude at a bar. I'm like, oh, I couldn't. Yeah, it's dirty. It's dirty. A rebound. Do you believe in rebounds?

Yeah. I believe in, I believe in rebounds if, um, if that person is okay with just like, you know, as long as they're not invested in like being something with you and they know what it is, I'm okay with rebounds. Um, I, I, I have, have done rebounds without sex. Yeah. sex to me and some people look at sex differently I'm very emotional about sex yes I would have to I try to keep that out of there yeah I think that's a great great idea yeah a rebound without sex I like

to go on dates distract myself I think it helps to take away from like wallowing yeah but I try to steer clear of sex but some people can have that casual sex I just I can't have casual sex I can't I'm I'm with you on that that's it's emotional for me too yeah um I'm trying like In this situation, seen rebounds in the media. Not fun. Yeah. You know, but it is what it is. And I mean, that's the part of this that anytime anything happens with you, with him, it's going to be.

Oh, there's some articles out there about me too. I've been hearing about there. There's a few articles out there. I wasn't going to bring him up. Would you ever appear on Bachelor in Paradise? Absolutely. 110% no I was like wait really I would never I feel like no offense to that show I think it's great I love the people that go on it I think people find love through that I think it's a shit show I'm just I'm a little too removed and too happy in life and got too much going on please don't go I will never I promise you on everything in my life you will never see me bachelor in paradise and also i wouldn't want to do that to my last relationship no i think

you know what the story would be i yes and i think it would be disrespectful yeah i don't know that just seems wrong to me it does yeah oh amber kroll just sent this do you think you'll always compare others to sean from now on no no because i mean you'll always think of your other relationships think I've done that in the past compared but you can't do that like I'll compare it in in secure ways where all have fears that the next relationship will things will happen like it did in this one like I always think back at how in love Sean was on the show and seeing like how like he reacted when I became the bachelorette and I'm like wait what happened to that like what happened to that passion and again that goes back to like my parents falling out of love and me having that fear

instilled in my brain like people fall out of love people fall out of love and then yeah It keeps proving itself to be true in all of my relationships, and I have to keep fighting and keep knowing that one day it won't. Right. But, yeah. No, I'm not going to compare. No. That's good.

What is one thing in a relationship that is a non-negotiable for you, whether it's having kids, living in the U.S. ETC. Love you both. Love you. Yeah, kids probably a family. I'm obviously like, that's, I'm like, when we broke up, I'm like, well, thank my, my eggs are frozen.

Can we talk? I just texted Caitlin yesterday asking about egg freezing. Yeah. My mom, I woke up the other morning to this long message, and I had just gone to a meeting about egg freezing, and she's like, your eggs are most valuable at 22 and 23. It's actually like 16. 16. I went to the wrong meeting.

But she was like, you should probably look into it. It's $13,000 per harvested egg. And I'm like, it's a lot. it's it's an investment though for like i totally agree and i don't see myself like do you know anything about murder what someone asked who killed john manet oh um i got super into that show but god don't ask me that i don't all right never mind that that question do you know anything about murder do you know anything about murder struck from the record oh everyone wants us to call our shared ex-boyfriend Ben.

Oh, hilarious. I don't have his number. You know what's funny is I do. Oh. I actually... Why did you dump both of us? Excuse me, Ben. Excuse me, Ben.

We already tried this. He's so politically correct, though. Yeah, exactly. That's the problem. Yeah, he'll be like, well, you guys are just too good for me. Yeah, he would. Exactly what he'll say. I know.

The perfect Ben. Oh, the perfect Ben. The perfect Ben. Okay, people want to know what are the fundamental values that were different between you and Sean? Oh, you know what? I think that might have pissed him off that I said that. Because what I think about it, I'm like, I think that's something that will disagree on. So I'm not sure if I want to say because what I think we're fundamentally different on, he might disagree with what I feel. And I don't want to create an argument or. Did you maybe

just mean that you wanted to get married and he was working on career or, Things like that. Yeah. I was, I was, I mean, I, I, I, I want to say I was in a place to, to, for that next step. But really, our relationship wasn't ready for that. So I think back and I'm like, I just feel like I'm in a place in life where I'm like, happy with myself and, and I do want a family and I do want to get married. And I would, I wanted to hear that back from him and he couldn't give me that.

Yeah. And when I think about it now with a little more clarity and being a little more removed from it I'm glad for that because I'm like yeah yeah I mean he couldn't he couldn't tell me the same feelings that I was telling him and he couldn't meet me and and so yeah that doesn't call for next steps you know the next step calls the next step is a breakup yeah exactly the step is in the other direction yeah great okay great interview I mean I had this is really people are gonna you know I hope find comfort in what we had to say and strength um I think we could wrap it up by just going back to time heals everything yeah do believe that yeah put yourself first yeah yes always always

put yourself first if you're making excuses for someone for yourself it's probably not right and and don't drunk text and don't don't drunk now don't tell them you miss him yeah don't don't go back for more that's the point you got to be like i don't miss you yeah exactly got to convince yourself. Yeah, it's all about you. It's making yourself feel good. And, and, um, the puzzle piece, you're going to find it in the vacuum cleaner. Yep. That's where it's going to be. And you will, it's, you're going to scoop it up one day and not even realize it was there. But that's, the time thing is big because I think people sit in that misery and think it's, there's no light at the end of the tunnel. And in a year from now, you're going to look back and be like, thank God I got out. And like, I can look back at it.

now. And I think even for people that are thinking about my breakup and how public it is and how hard it is, I'm removed a little more each day. And each day I get more clarity and each day I can look back and understand it better. And I can only imagine where I'll be in like a year from now. Yeah. Do not waste this one life that you have. Have a good attitude. Be a gangster. Don't waste your life. This beautiful gift we have life, we're called life by wondering why this ex guy isn't treating you right yeah the ex guy that's right for you will treat you right um and yeah and look at the relationship with gratitude gratitude gratitude gratitude and my homework for everyone is to make a list of your your wants yeah and your can't halves and then look at the relationship that you're in

yep if there's something on there do the math that you can't have that he's actively doing yeah you can't have that yeah get out of it get out and if he's not doing things that you want get out of it and you will feel so empowered and you will find you got to find happiness in yourself as cheesy it is as much as people say it all the time you got to fall in love with yourself yep before you can fall in love with someone else and let me tell you something olivia i i i love myself i love myself thank you and i love myself and i love you guys and we love you i love you thank you for being on the podcast thank you for i'll see you at the sky club later yeah i'll see you there your session

is now in being. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday

and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV? This week's grape therapy is sponsored by Blink.

Check out Blink for Home.com slash Off the Vine for peace of mind starting at $99. Third Love, get 15% off your first purchase, thirdlove.com slash vine, and hunt a killer. Go to huntaciller.com slash vine for 10% off your first box.