Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Confessionals | Sexy Time Gone Wrong Pt. 1

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Starting point is 00:00:51 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming ontario okay don't hit skip before we start today's podcast i'm really excited this is a personal exciting thing for me i wanted to quickly let you guys know about my upcoming off the vine tour called poor decisions p o you are doy wine will be drank i'm back on the road for the first leg of our tour i'm coming through the good old midwest for the second half i'll be headed to the southeast so i'm going Columbus, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlanta, Madison, Des Moines, Kansas City, Columbia, Missouri, Tampa, Orlando, Nashville.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Ah, I'm coming to all you beautiful people. These podcast tours are always a highlight of my year, because there's just no other way to put it than it's just pretty damn fun. I get to hang out with you in person. It's just the energy is electric. I've, it's just insane. Like, leaving those live podcasts, I'm like, whoa, that felt like an empowerment session. I feel elevated. The vibrations don't get me started on how high those are. So check out my website, Caitlin Bristow.com to buy tickets for those who join me. I can guarantee a little dancing, a lot of laughing, wine, lots of wine. Even if you're pregnant. I've had pregnant, sober people come to my show and say it was still fun. They bring their boyfriends, their husbands,

Starting point is 00:02:10 and I even see them smiling at the end of it. So let's toast to that. I'll see you on tour. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting. and why it'll be all right. All right, TGIT, everybody, and welcome to your monthly Vino Fessionals. I get so hyped for these ones. And this month, I feel like, is going to be disturbing and incredible and entertaining all at the same time. Because this month we are sharing sexy time gone. wrong. Who does not have a sexy time that has not gone wrong? We all have one. And I have a couple

Starting point is 00:02:56 vinos on the line to share their stories. And I haven't heard them yet, but I got a little bit of a teaser. And that already made me laugh so hard. So I can't wait to hear all of these. So let's bring in our first vino. I believe her name is Faith. Gumball Blowy. No idea what this means, but I'm excited to find out. Hi, Faith. Hi. Oh my gosh. You're so stinking cute. How are you? I'm so good. How are you doing? Nice to meet you and I'm excited to hear the story because as you probably know, there's no shame in anybody's game and you, I'll tell you anything and I don't get embarrassed. So I love hearing when other people share their stories too. So I'm, I'm here for you and I am all ears. Oh, good. Oh, you're going to die. I can't wait. Okay. RIP to me after this. Okay. So this story starts probably like late 2019. My boy, friend at the time, who's now actually my husband, he broke up with me. And I was, yeah, I was

Starting point is 00:03:57 pretty devastated. And so I kind of started going through a bit of like a whole phase. I started, yeah, I started like online dating a ton and getting myself out there. It was really fun. You ho. Get yourself out there. You big hoe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. And so I had this one rule, though, where I only went on dates with guys who had deal breakers because I didn't want a commitment right then. And I knew if I only dated guys who had a deal breaker, I wouldn't fall for them as easily, you know, just thinking. Okay. Yeah. So I ended up meeting this one guy and he was really nice and really kind, but his deal breaker for me was that I wasn't super physically attracted to him. he was kind of slim and gangly and that's not really my type he wasn't like ugly or anything but

Starting point is 00:04:55 you know just not super physically attracted but he was really nice so i went out with him a couple times and we had fun and i was straight up with every guy at this point this is what i'm doing don't be confused anyways this this is like maybe second or third or fourth time seeing him and we had just gotten dinner and we were on his on our way back to his place And I was like, I don't know where this night's going to lead. So I snuck a piece of gum on the way home because I wanted my breath to smell well in case, you know, anything went down. And it did. We were back at his place and I were in his bed, making out and whatnot.

Starting point is 00:05:40 And I completely forgot to throw my gum away. And I didn't want to ruin the moment. and get up in the middle of what we've already started and throw it away. So I was like, I'll be smooth and sly. I'll push it to the roof of my mouth or under my tongue or whatever. And I did really well for a while. And then he was like, can you give me a blowjob? And I was like, well, sure, I got you.

Starting point is 00:06:09 You're like, you're lucky. I'm in my hope phase. Exactly. Are in luck. Right. So I go down there and I'm like, all right, I got to keep. keep this gum contained. I can't let it go anywhere. And so I'm doing really well. I'm, you know, starting on the balls. I'm sucking. I'm doing the whole thing. You get it. She gets it. A blowy

Starting point is 00:06:30 queen. Yeah, that's me. Do you just call me that? So, yeah, I'm down there. I'm doing a great job. And at this point, I've been chewing this gum for quite a while. And it's gotten all nasty and sticky. I lose I lose it and I'm like it's not in my mouth anymore where the heck did this go and I look down and it has started it's like getting in all over it's getting all over and I'm like okay I need to chill out this is this is an easy fix I'll just go down there pretend like nothing happened I'll like do some do some work I'll lick around I'll get it right back up um and I tried my best and it started getting worse and worse and by the time I knew it it had gotten every Caitlin and I was like you yeah it was like it was like getting in the hair and the folds

Starting point is 00:07:34 and it was like starting to get on the bed and I'm like I cannot let this go any longer like I have to say something so what did you do like hey so we've got a problem down here I don't know if you could feel it or even if you could tell, but there's something going on. He's like, oh, it's okay, like, not a big deal. He was like super chill at first. But that is the last thing in the world I would want somebody to say when they're there on me. Like, hey, we've got a slight problem down here. I'd be like fortified.

Starting point is 00:08:05 Why was he so calm? Well, he was so nice. This is what I'm saying. Like, that's why I kept seeing him because he was so kind and like, yeah. So at first he was super chill. It didn't end that way, but we go into the bathroom. So by the time I'm like, I didn't want to ruin this moment by spitting out my gum, it is ruined. You sure did.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Yeah, we're in the bathroom. I'm like, I've got water on my hands. I'm trying to get it out. I'm like, this is not working. It's getting worse. So he ends up getting in the shower and he's like freaking out at this point because it's like, it is all in there. And I forgot to mention that we are both. teachers and it's getting pretty late and it's a weeknight and I was like I kept thinking like

Starting point is 00:08:54 oh my gosh I know how long I'm going to be here for like I got to get home I've got kiddos to teach in the morning I am dead you're like blowy queen by night and teacher by day this is incredible it's great that says a lot about your heart because you're like you're like a nice hoe because you you were thinking oh I want to be in my hoe phase and I'm he's not really my type but then you're like but on the fifth date and I did this and I did I'm like oh my gosh you are such a nice hoe oh yeah that's again that's what people can call me also the nice ho nice ho and a blowy queen and and and a mrs blow blowy queen to you that's right yeah so he's in the shower I'm like hey man I've got to get up early as we know so um good luck oh like I don't know what I'm such

Starting point is 00:09:42 are you at the same school no my gosh he was into high school I I'm way across town, yeah, no. But he's like, okay, I'll talk to you later. And so I head home and, yeah, that is my sexy time going wrong story. And that was the last time that you saw him? No, he, unfortunately, he ended up catching feelings, bless him. But my now husband actually wanted to get back together shortly after. It wasn't a big deal.

Starting point is 00:10:18 That's so funny. You were like, yeah, of course you want to be with me. I'm the blowy queen. I knew what I was doing down there. The bubble gum was just like a little minor bump in the road. Right. Yeah, I ended up hearing there were like scissors involved and it was a whole thing. Yeah, I'm glad I didn't stick around.

Starting point is 00:10:36 Well, if this ever happens to you again, I've got a trick for you. It's called an ice cube and you just rub it on the gum and then the gum becomes really hard and not so sticking, it just comes out. Okay. Well, I've heard of peanut butter, but he was allergic to peanuts. So I'm like, that's not going to work. That would be bad. So, yeah, if you're ever in that kind of pickle again,

Starting point is 00:10:56 well, first and foremost, just spit the damn gum out. It's the gum out. Yes, everyone needs to hear that. If you learned anything from your hoe phase, it was to spit out the gum first. Exactly. Yeah, ladies, we hear that? Spit the gum out. Okay, I'm dying.

Starting point is 00:11:13 Your name's Faith, which is like so. innocent. You're a teacher, also innocent. But then you just, and you came on here with all the confidence in the world just talking about BJs. I'm obsessed with you. You're so cute. Oh, my gosh, I love you. I've been trying to share a confession with you for a while. So you got a really good one. That's so funny. I feel like I read so many DMs from people that are like, oh my gosh, I have the, like, if I was ever on your podcast, I have the perfect confession. Or when I meet people on like my live tour, which I'm going on soon, I'll meet people and in the VIP meet and greet. We're like, having a glass of champagne, they're like, so I got to tell you about this time of shit my pants.

Starting point is 00:11:48 I'm like, I love that we're there. I love that we're there. Oh, my gosh, we are. Oh, I love it. Yeah, I've been cheering you on since your bachelor day. So I just love you. Thank you. Well, from a fellow ho. Thank you. I appreciate you. And I'm so glad I got to talk to you today. All right. Well, next up, we have Amber, a vino, who, the title is messy but married? I added the question mark. It says dot, dot, dot. Okay, let's bring in Amber.

Starting point is 00:12:22 Amber? Hello? Messy, Amber, is that you? Hello? Oh my God. This is surreal. Hi. How are you?

Starting point is 00:12:34 I'm already sweating. Oh, that's okay because that happens when you're about to tell a really embarrassing story that has to do with sexy time. But like I just told the last girl that was on, I'm like nothing, like I don't find shame in anybody's anything and I'm just like here to support and I might make you feel like, oh, God at first, but I'm really here to just support you and say that it's okay. No, I want the reaction because thankfully this happened way back in my 20s and now I'm kind of like,

Starting point is 00:13:02 you know what? It's hilarious. It needs to be told. It is what it is. 20s are so, like I should write a book called shame on me. shame on me because I really and it's you know what's the funniest part of this whole thing is my poor dad has had to deal with me for so long and he's like really seen me at my lowest and then he had to watch me on The Bachelor and go through all that stuff and now he's sitting

Starting point is 00:13:28 right upstairs trying to nap but the walls are paper thin and so I'm like right now I gets to hear sexy time gone wrong on my podcast no I saw that on your stories that you're with your dad that's awesome enjoy that um yes well you know what when I got like on the pod or whatever i was like oh my god i'm like wait a second this is my big break and i can't tell anybody because it's so embarrassing so i called my mom and i was like mom i have to tell you this i was like she's like i want to know i was just like just i tell somebody i told my mom i read her the email so you know it's out there i'm obsessed that's i love that you told your mom so you don't know this story yet right no i do not know anything all i know is that it says messy but

Starting point is 00:14:11 married and I can't wait so play please continue here we go before I go into the story this is a story about my then not even boyfriend we weren't even boyfriend girlfriend yet but he's my now husband so there is a silver lining we love that we're in our 20s right we're in our early 20s and I don't know about you but I didn't really like go on formal dates in my early 20s it was kind of like you hook up with somebody and like yeah you have the bar see you at home you know Um, so basically we had, it wasn't like a random. We had the same friend group and we would always go to the same bar, you know. And so we started hooking up. Like his apartment was down the street from the bar. So we just like, go hang out with friends. We'd all walk back to his apartment. So anyway, we started hooking up. And we were doing that for like, let's say this is week two of that. So not boyfriend. All right. Right. Right. Now we're back from the bar. We're doing our thing. Okay. Here's where it turns. turns. Okay. So this is when he decides to go for his up the butt moment. Like this is his

Starting point is 00:15:18 time. Oh, shit. Brave. He didn't wait for like his big 30th birthday. He like he decided this is two weeks in. I think I deserve anal. Two weeks in. He's like 22. I'm 25. Okay. He decides to go for it. I didn't know, you know, but I was like, all right, we're doing this. You know? So we're doing this. And I'm like, okay thank god the lights were off so anyway so i looked down and i see something like oh god oh my god oh my god i started my period oh my god i started my period that's so embarrassing then the smell hit me i didn't start my period there's shit all over the bed like i'm talking fit all over the bed wait this is your now husband like literally when i got accepted to be on the pod i called him and i was like yes i got on the pod for the poo story and he's like yeah but back then back then two weeks in

Starting point is 00:16:15 it was not it was not funny it was not funny so anyway so i am so i'm i don't i'm red like i turn down the air in the house okay here we go so basically i looked down who everywhere right i wish i could tell you what happened next because number one i was very drunk very drunk to even let this happened in the first place. And number two, I think I blacked out from shock, not from being drunk, but from shock. Next, so I don't know how that was. That'll sober you up real quick. It didn't. I don't know how that was communicated to him. Cut to next thing I know, I'm in his shower. I'm so drunk, I'm leaning up against the wall. He's throwing the bed sheets in, the comforter. Everything's coming in the shower. I'm holding on to his bed sheets, the poo bed sheets in the shower.

Starting point is 00:17:07 It's like slumped over. He's having to hold me up on the wall to like rinse all of this off. Is he like making you feel bad or is he like helping genuinely helping? No, I think, no, no. He was definitely not making me feel bad. He's helping. Thank God. And before this we were friends.

Starting point is 00:17:22 So like I said, at least it wasn't a random. I don't know. It's still horrible. So anyway. So yeah. So that happened. And we just washed me, the bed sheets, the whole kitchen sink, everything in the shower. So to the next morning, I'm like incredibly late for work.

Starting point is 00:17:36 rolling up hungover a f he sends me a text message that was messy but nice i was like are you kidding what i'm so glad you married this man i was messy but nice like just don't even don't even talk about it is the next day it is the light of day we don't have to talk about it and we did not talk like i i was mortified of gentlemen isn't that funny i was like all my girlfriend's still like we still talk about it to this day that text message. I died inside and we never talked about it for like years after I couldn't bring it up.

Starting point is 00:18:14 And then finally of course when you know like open book here we don't we're totally whatever so finally when I did break it bring it up he was like oh yeah I totally forgot about that. I'm like are you kidding me? This has lived rent free in my mind like when I can't

Starting point is 00:18:30 sleep at night it would pop up and I'd be like oh god so needless to say that was the first and last of the but moment there were no more it it's closed for business no closed for business yeah yeah those hours are done gone long behind you oh my gosh i'm so i'm so sorry i'm so glad it happened for this story and i love that he was a gentleman about it trying to help you clean the poo sheets and then the next day a text saying that was messy but nice some girls don't even get a text back after great sex i know i'm you know what he's a

Starting point is 00:19:06 he's a keeper and so so now we can definitely laugh about it we can high five over the poo story this got me my pod debut so you know i'm so glad that you know what that's going to be my test for the next guy i date i'm going to poop all over the sheets and if he doesn't if he doesn't send me a text the next day that says messy but nice out mess but nice two thumbs up one point off for the messiness you know only one other time did i i accidentally like shit the bed but it's just a little bit and I totally covered up before he woke up. I mean, but this was like, there's no hiding from this. So, oh my God, I'm obsessed.

Starting point is 00:19:45 I love that you shared that today. Thank you so much. I love that he's your husband. That is one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard, totally a keeper. And I just, you know what? You got through it and now we can laugh about it. And that's what we like to call medicine for the soul. Well, before you let me go, I do want to add one more thing.

Starting point is 00:20:06 So to piggyback off of the, the Vino Fessionals from last month, you know the Matt LeBlanc one? Yeah. Okay. Well, fun fact, my uncle was college roommates with Matt LeBlanc and they are still friends to this day. Like, they hang out all the time. Like, he's gone to birthday. No way.

Starting point is 00:20:23 I'm serious. I'm just like, when am I invited? But isn't that a small? Well, there's too many connections here to Matt LeBlanc. We need to get him on the podcast now. Yes. Oh, I'm for it. I'm all for it.

Starting point is 00:20:33 I mean, the day I get Matt LeBlancke, The day I get anybody from friends, I don't care if it's the monkey, I would, that my, that would be my peak of my career. I wrote the whole thing just like you. So I'm totally there. Like, let's, let's, let's, I'm obsessed. Okay, well, plant that into your, you said your uncle? Uncle. Yes. Okay, plant that in your uncle's ear to plant into Matt LeBlanc and we'll just, you know, manifest it. It'll be casual. Yeah, totally. All right. Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you, Amber. It was so good to be. meet you and talk to you. You did great. Thank you. Go tell your husband how well you did. I'm going to go drink now. Bye.

Starting point is 00:21:13 Bye. All right. I took a breather and we are coming back for Rebecca, who has a doggy style surprise. I don't know if this is a good surprise or a bad one, but we are about to find out. Hi, how are you? I'm so good. It's nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story today. I cannot wait to hear it because I don't know anything and I love being surprised. And I know this one.

Starting point is 00:21:41 All I know is it's a doggy style surprise. So I'm ready. I'm buckled up. Okay. Well, first, thank you very much for having me on. I really appreciate you and really appreciate your podcast. Oh, thank you for saying that. That's so nice.

Starting point is 00:21:55 I appreciate you. Oh, thank you. Okay. So to set the stage, this is a story that happened with my now husband. But the time, he was just a guy that I. I was dating for three months. So, you know, you're still in that trying to impress. Yes, of course.

Starting point is 00:22:11 That's early. That's honeymoon phase. Mm-hmm. So we were fooling around in his bedroom. I was on bottom, pantless, no underwear. He was on top, but he still had his sweatpants on. And the drawstrings were undone. So we're fooling around.

Starting point is 00:22:29 And all of a sudden I feel this kind of like flick, flick, flick, flip down below. And I think, oh, like I assume. it must be the drawstrings from the from the sweatpants and it's feeling kind of nice so i'm letting it go um let it happen a sudden he jumps off me horrified and oh god pushes off his little dog who had unbeknownst to us jumped onto the bed so it wasn't the drawstrings i was feeling kately it was a little dog Yes. Yes. Yes. And I thought it was drawstrings. So I, like, I didn't think anything and I just let it happen. And it was him that realized all of a son there was a dog there. Did the mood get completely lost? Like, were you able to like continue? Were you like, I can't do this right now. I'm going to need to take a knee.

Starting point is 00:23:30 You know what? It's funny. I can't really remember because it was so a lot. So we are now almost been married for 10 years. and we still have the dog. We just make sure that she's nowhere around us and we close that door when we want to get it on. Is it hard to make eye contact with your dog after that? It's funny. I kind of forget, but my husband every now and then, you know, if she's on my lap or something,

Starting point is 00:23:50 he'll say something like, oh, you guys have a special relationship. Like, you refer to our special relationship every now and then. Wait, you know what's so funny is so many of these stories that girls tell me starts with like, there's this guy. my now husband, so many of you, like, it's like, you know what's true love if you can get through something so crazy like this. And the amount of stories that I hear where it's like, well, my now husband, I am obsessed. That is amazing. That is, that has actually happened to me

Starting point is 00:24:20 with a dog before. We're not quite like that, but with a dog coming in and licking the guy's butt hole. And then, and then the mood was gone. I mean, that kills the mood real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. That's so funny. Thank you so much for sharing. That is hilarious. And yeah, I couldn't look at my dog after that. I know it's 10 years, but like still, thank you so much for sharing your story. We'll keep you anonymous. Don't worry about it. Not a visual. I want any colleagues or anyone having a me. You're probably not. I get that. But I'll have that visual of you forever. So so nice to meet you.

Starting point is 00:24:58 As well, Caitlin. All right. I feel like sometimes it's only fair that I share either a confession or an embarrassing story and this triggered a memory in me as confessions do you hear one straight and go oh shit that happened to me i think i've told this on my podcast before but it's still funny to this day and i'm sure a lot of you maybe have not heard this story but it was my very first boyfriend and it was the first time anyone had ever why do i want to say performed oral he went down on me and his sister was really protective over him and so she would always put her she had to baby and she would put her baby monitor under his bed and then stop us when we were like going to hook up and so she must have had the baby monitor under the bed so my boyfriend was going downtown who says

Starting point is 00:25:48 that and he always got a bloody nose like all it happened to him like once a week and so she burst into the room and he came up from under the covers and he had blood all over his face and I was like she screamed and I looked at him. She turned on the light and she screamed and I looked at him and I was like, oh my God. And I thought I had my period and she thought he had my period all over his face, but really he just had a bloody nose. So really at the end of the day, it wasn't that embarrassing because it's not like I did get my period on his face, but embarrassing that she thought that and embarrassing that she walked in on us. It was embarrassing. So there you go. Also, I had so many people write in about this subject specifically that they wanted to share. So we are going to do another

Starting point is 00:26:32 part to this. So stay tuned next month for more sexy time gone wrong because I cannot get enough. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating in review.

Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Confessionals | Sexy Time Gone Wrong Pt. 1

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