Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Confessionals | “Sexy Time Gone Wrong” Pt. 2

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

#729. Join Kaitlyn Bristowe for another round of unforgettable confessions on this week's episode of Off The Vine! The response was so overwhelming from our Sexy Time Gone Wrong topic last month that we just had to bring you more! In this highly anticipated PART TWO of our Vino-Fessionals series, Kaitlyn welcomes four anonymous listeners who courageously share their most jaw-dropping tales of "Sexy Time Gone Wrong." From hilarious mishaps to unexpected surprises, each story is guaranteed to keep you entertained and gasping for more. Throughout the episode, Kaitlyn reacts in real-time, providing genuine laughter and shock as she hears these stories for the first time. From unexpected discoveries to awkward encounters, no topic is off-limits in this candid and humorous discussion. The next Vinonfessional topic will be all about “Workplace Romance”. If you or a friend have a story that you just NEED to tell, email [e-mail] or message @offthevinepodcast on Instagram. If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: Without giving too much away… (2:14) He got quite the handful… (9:16) A fellow glasshole survivor… (15:20) I love you, now tickle my butthole.. (20:06) Mystery of the missing condom… Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! FARMERS DOG: Get 50% off your first box of fresh, healthy food at TheFarmersDog.com/vineSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Okay, don't hit skip before we start today's podcast.

I'm really excited. This is a personal, exciting thing for me. I wanted to quickly let you guys know about my upcoming Off the Vine tour called Poor Decisions. P-O-U-R-Doy wine will be drank. I'm back on the road. For the first leg of our tour, I'm coming through the good old Midwest. For the second half, I'll be headed to the southeast.

So I'm going Columbus, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlanta, Madison, Des Moines, Kansas City, Columbia, Missouri, Tampa, Orlando, Nashville. Ah, I'm coming to all you beautiful people. These podcast tours are always a highlight of my year because there's just no other way to put it. Then it's just pretty damn fun. I get to hang out with you in person. It's just the energy is electric.

It's just insane. Like leaving those live podcasts, I'm like, whoa. That felt like an empowerment session. I feel elevated. The vibrations don't get me started on how high those are. So check out my website, Caitlinbristow.com, to buy tickets for those who join me, I can guarantee a little dancing, a lot of laughing, wine, lots of wine, even if you're pregnant. I've had pregnant, sober people come to my show

and say it was still fun. They bring their boyfriends, their husbands, and I even see them smiling at the end of it. So let's toast to that. I'll see you on tour. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting. Hey everybody, T-G-G-I-T, they got it's Thursday because I need another round of these vino-fessionals. And this is part two because we got so many embarrassing, sexy time-goes wrong stories that we had to do a two-parter. So this is a continued pod from last month, and I just feel like these stories keep getting funny. I love how you guys trust me. I love that you can look me in the eyes on these Zoom knowing that I won't share your face, one, but two, knowing that I'm just like, I've never met

you before and you're telling me these stories and you're just saying them with such confidence and I love you for it. So let's bring in Emily. She's got a story for us that says he got quite the handful, which I can't relate to. Let's bring her in. It's not that kind of handful, but that made me laugh. Hi. Oh my God, you look like such a boss. you oh my god wait is your hair to bob we have the same hair but i'm like i have days where i love it and then other days where i just can't style it and i'm like what did i do yeah i'm the exact same way i'm the exact same way even today i just keep fussing with it because i'm like it looks flat oh my gosh but you make me happy that i have a bob because i'm obsessed and i love like a

power suit and you like you look like you have a great bob a spray tan and a power suit and i am here for it thank you i love you i can't believe i'm talking to you this is so cool Except I'm about... Not only are you talking to me, but you're about to share a really embarrassing story, and I don't know where it's going. All I know is something about a handful, and that's all I know. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, I'll break it down for you.

We can start from... Break it down for me. And not like that. Let me paint a picture. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's so funny because I'm, like, so excited to talk to you.

And I'm like, this is how you're going to know who I am is this story. I love it. It'll make me love you more. Okay. Yeah. So I was, this was like seven or eight. years ago and it's still i don't embarrass easily but this is the one that has stuck with me so i was to paint the picture we went to dinner we had this like big italian meal we stopped for ice cream for

dessert so just full tummies and worst worst way to have sex on a full stomach and oh my god heartburn full stomach like gassy bloated oof yeah not good but we so we were hooking up we're on the couch so he's sitting down. I'm like straddling him. We're having sex. And I just like was my stomach was not feeling great. But I was like, I'm going to power through. You know. And he's like, yeah. And he's grabbing my butt and like almost like spreading my butt cheeks as he's doing it. Oh, God. I know that feeling. Yes. And all of a sudden I'm like, things are happening. But I just kept going. So I was like, we're. Good for you. And like I felt something. But he didn't react. So I was like, we're good. And then we finished the first thing he does he like pulls his hand up and goes what is this and it was poop

we both look at his hand and just look at each other and i was like and i i shit in his hand i was like when when i read more than a handful i literally was like oh yeah i don't know what that's like i thought it was going to be something about boobs oh my gosh wait okay follow up questions follow up questions did you ever see him again so we were I mean, we were dating for like a year. We were, that was, and then a couple months later, I broke up with him. And the, there's like, just so you know, I told all my friends that story. No, he didn't.

And we grew up together. So all his friends are my childhood friends. Wait, I hate that. Why are men so stupid? So I, this is actually quite embarrassing now that I think about it. I didn't think I had many embarrassing stories, but now you've triggered something in my brain. But I actually don't know if this happened. happened. After I came off the show, this is like so awful because anyone can say anything

about me. They can be like, they could be like she shit in my hand while we were having sex. Like anyone can say anything and it can be believed by anyone. And the guy did that to me. I actually don't know if this happened. I was like, was I just blackout, drunk and hooked up this guy and this happened? Or is he just spreading rumors? But he told all of the restaurant industry in Vancouver, Canada, that I farted in his face when he went down on me. And I'm like, are you just making this up because I do not recall this. And now I'm like known and like people just assume that I did that. But it's, I don't get to be anonymous. You do. Thank God. Thank God. I know, I'm like all red and like, I hate it. I had to tell my husband. I was like,

so I'm telling this story. He was like, oh, it's not with him. He's like. Oh my gosh. What was his reaction? Did he die? He was like, I don't even want to know. Like, we don't need to go into detail here. Oh, my God, bless him. That's so unfortunate. But wait, I'm also confused because, like, if you didn't notice during, like, did you have stuff noses or COVID? Like, how didn't you smell that? Because it wasn't like a full log. Oh, it was just like a little baby cute rabbit turd.

Yeah, a little some, something. And he said after back, he was, I thought I felt something at one point on my hand, but he's like, I was having sex. Like, I wasn't thinking. And oh, my God, I didn't. I, like, melted into the ground and just, like, cried. I was like, I'll never see this guy again, and it was, like, I still, to this day, can't have sex in that position. Well, I hope he is cursed with bad sex for the rest of his life for telling all his friends about that, because that is not gentlemen behavior. I know.

Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Yeah. Grandma will get him, and he too will poop in somebody's hand and then be like, I hope she doesn't tell all of her friends. Yeah. Everybody knows. That person will. Horrible.

Oh, my gosh. I love that you guys just share these things with me. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that this is the first time we met. We're best friends now. Oh, I love you. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for your support. Thank you for listening to Off the Vine and for calling in and sharing your story with us. Thank you for having me. Hey, anytime. You have another story about if that ever happens to again, come back on the pod. Oh, my God. I will have to because that's like if lightning strikes. Actually, if that ever happens again, please learn your lesson.

Don't eat Italian and ice cream and then, go do it and if you are and you've something's brewing in the tummy just just take a beat yeah call it call it all right let's keep the shenanigans coming with samantha a fellow glasshole survivor am i a glasshole survivor what's that you don't remember fun it was my birthday wait that i my brain is jogging um It was my birthday. We were in Madison's parents' house, and you sat on my wine glass, and you got glass in your ass. And we called it a glass hole. Hello?

Hello? Caitlin Bristow's on my screen. Oh, my God. Samantha's name is on my screen. And you know what? I know this is going to be good because you don't want to show your face. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm working from home, so I look like a turd, but... I'm sure you don't. But I see. still okay i don't know anything about any stories people are telling me so because i want genuine reactions and it says on my notes that you're a fellow glass hole survivor if you don't remember i'll i'll tell you after my story but i want to hear yours okay well once upon time i was in my girl era and i was doing too many one-night stands for my own liking and i was trying

to like build some restraint so i decided i was like okay if i don't shave my legs before going out to the bar then i'll be too embarrassed to go home with son i have done that well my desire for this one particular man overcame that fear i was like okay i want to go home with him we're going to do it but what am i to do about my legs. So I asked if I could shave in his shower. It was one of those like glass showers, like the little corner ones that are super small and using this guy's razor to shave my legs. I slipped and fell through his shower door, shattering the door. You shuddered the glass door of his shower shaving? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what body part was strong enough or pointy enough to break that.

thing, but I fell right through. Oh, no. Okay. Then what? Well, the door was locked, and so he was outside. He hears this, like, to motion. Breaks down the bathroom door. There I am. In a pile of glass. There's blood everywhere. You and your hairy legs just covered in glass. I'm like, great. The first time you see me naked, just like, the shame. Oh, the shame, Caitlin. I need, I need the rest of the story. Like, how did you clear? this up. Did you continue to hook up? Did you end up shaping your legs? What happened?

He scooped me up, put me on his bed, helps me pull glass out of my legs and my arms. I see. Yep. He's like, you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Like, okay. Fair. This whole glass thing isn't really turning me on. So I'll be out on the couch if you need me. Oh my gosh. Are you okay? well i woke up the next morning how i didn't remember everything that happened and then like it all started coming back to me i were like i fell asleep on my stomach i roll over and there's this pain on my book and basically there's a shard of glass still in my ass yeah pulled it out and to this day i still have a scar that's like just visible enough when i wear a bikini that everyone's like what happened to your butt oh man a little memory scar for a story it's like your party trip

you're like well this one time oh my gosh i hate that you have to relive that when people ask so and did you ever talk to him again was he like did he come and comfort you in the morning and bring you coffee like a gentleman should and say like are you okay do you need to go to the hospital no we were um we were co-worker so um we got up went to work didn't talk about it I gave him money to fix the shower door, and that was that. Wait, he made you pay for it. There was only a hundred bucks, surprisingly. And then you guys just had to continue to work together, like Monday to Friday.

Are you still working together? Is he now your husband? What's going on? No, this was easily like eight, ten years ago. And yeah, we were co-workers for probably three or four more years, but we left it there. That was it. the glass breaking also broke the relationship um did he have roommates was he living on his own no it was his own house thank god oh like wait i'm like i'm still thinking because i'm i too i too

am like i said a fellow glass hole survivor i didn't know what that was going to mean until right now um but i just mine was just i was drunk and fell into my producer's lap and shattered her glass wine glass all over my butt. So I too know what it feels like to have glass shards in your ass and it's not fun. Probably the only two of the world, but you know. It was only a hundred bucks.

I wish he would have just paid for it. If he's got enough money to live on his own and not have roommates, he could have just not made you feel any worse about it and paid for it. Yeah, you'd think. But, you know, I think the show will re-ended

once he had to scoop me out of the glass. It's not like you did it on. purpose but like lesson learned just be in your girl era and shave your legs before you go out you know yeah obviously it wasn't i wasn't embarrassed enough to you know not find a way around it i've actually done that exact same thing where when i was in my girl era in my 20s i was like okay if i don't shave my badge tonight i'm not i won't go home with anybody um but joke was on me then i was just like probably known as the hairy girl who took guys home hey you know what bon body hair's normal yeah exactly have you seen some of the guys out there they can't complain

especially not one who's going to make you pay for i'm still not i'm not going to get over that one i like hate when men aren't gentlemen about it and i'm like god you probably felt so silly and the least he could do is just take care of the dang glass door okay well thank you for sharing your glass hole story with us and with the class and uh i'm so sorry that happened to you all right next up we have alissa i love you now tickle my butthole here we go Okay. Okay. People can't see, but I need to paint a picture. You're wearing a Miss Peaches sweater. Dave from Barstool, his dog, Miss Peaches, who I'm obsessed with. I want that sweater. It's so good.

Donates to a good cause. Oh, it is too. It's for a good cause. God. Yeah, like all of the profits I think go to. I know. It's adorable. They go to like whatever shelter she came from. She's raised like $250,000. I think. Holy shit. That is incredible. Oh, I love that he's doing that. Good for him. That makes him hot. That was my chair. It sounded like I two did, but that was my chair. Even though it would been funnier if I didn't because it's a confessional podcast. Okay. I heard you have a sexy time that went wrong that I need to hear about. So spill the deeds. Okay. So, well, my now husband and I had just been dating for like three or four months. And we had gone out for the night. we came home we were a little tipsy

we were having sex sexy time and I was going to tell him that I like my butthole fingered during sex but you know it's a little vulnerable to have to say so I was like I need to tell you something and he was like yeah so do I

and I was like oh god what could he possibly have to say and he spills out that he loves me when I was just going to tell him I wanted my apple fingered oh my gosh wait did he think that's what you were going to say absolutely oh did you tell him yes i told him and i i meant it like it wasn't like no i got to say it i just did not think that was going to be the first time and then i did have to let him know that i was just trying to tell him

i wanted my asshole fingered and so did you tell him in that same night oh yeah all all in one moment because I couldn't stop laughing. Well, also because now you're like, well, we're in love. So, like, I need to be honest. And if we're going to be in love, you need to tickle my butthole. Exactly. Pretty much. And did he?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Nice. And you guys are married now? Yep. Now we're married. So it worked out. Oh, my gosh.

Wait. How long have you guys been together? Four years. But I also love honesty in the bedroom. Like, if you're like, hey, this is what I like. Men want to hear that. So he probably fell more in love with you after he said that. Hopefully.

Well, that's probably what sealed the deal from. He's like, this bitch likes a bottle pickled. I am all for it. And then does he like it too? I cannot say we've addressed that yet. What? Now is your chance. I know.

I think he would be a little too shy. Aw. That's okay. No, no. The shy ones are always the freaky ones. Yeah, but I smells toots and I don't know that I want to get near that. now that is fair that is very fair actually i've i changed my mind don't try it don't trust it if you haven't had the conversation now you don't need to we don't need to do it oh that's so

that's so cute that you he told you he loved you and you were like i love it too now get to it yeah pretty much that's amazing thank you for sharing thank you for being vulnerable and honest with me anytime that's all i have for you though i've had pretty good times though i love you i love you too okay all right next up kasha with the mystery of the missing condom how are you i would like to hear about the mystery of the missing condom because i think i might have a similar story but i don't know what yours is yet so i'm all yours yes so um my boyfriend j and i we went to vermontas families place in vermont and my sister um she needed me to docks it so the rule was the dog could be in the living room community like area and kitchen but she couldn't be like we locked work we closed all the

other doors and i just finished my period that morning so at night time we were having sex and we like didn't think anything of it he threw the condom away and then like a couple hours later um his family comes to see us and we forgot to tell them that after you leave any room to close the door just so trilly which is the dog so she like won't snoop and um i didn't want to like have that distraction and so like everyone was like we're all in the like common area in the living room and then um i guess like his niece which is my my boyfriend's niece went to the bathroom and like we kind of all totally forgot to mention to close the door and shortly after this is like maybe 8 p.m. they all leave and never thinking anything about the

toilet or the garbage or the bathroom and then like right before bed I go to the bathroom and I look down and I see like a whole bunch of tissues on the floor and I like do a small scream I'm like come in here right now and I go where did you put like which bathroom or which like garbage can did you put the condom in and he goes oh this one like in the bathroom and I'm literally looking at each tissue and like I had um my period or I just ended my period so I threw a tampon in there as well yeah and I'm like thankfully she didn't eat that on the tampon but then I look and there's one missing and he he always puts like after he's is like or we use a condom he puts um in a tissue i go i'm like terrified like mortified he's laughing

and i'm really close to my sister so she's at a wedding so i'm like she's probably not going to answer because this is like eight nine p.m at this point so i call her and i'm like calling her like texting her truly just ate her condom like what do we do because we're in like rural rema and i'm like terrified that we have to take her to the ER and she like calls she calls me back she's laughing hysterically she goes oh like if you really want her to like throw it up or something um i forget what it is that for dogs to throw up like hydrogen prox yeah yeah yeah and she was um but like she should poop it out like within 24 hours like keep monitoring her poop and so then my boyfriend like he's like laughing hysterically and i like finally calmed down i'm like okay at least i don't have to

take her to the ER. And so the next day, his sister and I and her dog, we go on a short little hike. Oh, yeah, before that, I guess that the next day, he tells, like, his brother-in-law and sister, and, like, we're not super close to them. So she's, like, mortified. She's like, why are you telling me this? And I'm, like, getting a kick out of it, because I think it's hilarious. And when we go on this hike, me and his sister, our dogs, truly, like, finally proves it out. And, like, I have to, like document this because I'm like I have to tell my sister and I like text my sister and um so I'm like I get a kick out of it and he's telling everyone about how he she ate our condom and so um yeah so I guess truly really loves the flavored condom like what made her want to eat that I think like with

semen because it's salty that's why and she likes I think because especially with like period blood too like if I leave period of blood undies on the floor she licks it so I think it's the salt that's my girlfriend just went through that same thing her dog had to get emergency surgery because her dog ate her tampons oh yeah dogs do that what kind of dog was it she's a yellow lab oh yeah oh my gosh my dog's just like they're like you're doing the voice but if my maybe this is just me because I'm a psychopath if my dog eats like even a tissue I'm like we're going to the emergency room like I'm so dramatic but I'm glad she pooped out. Yeah. And the funny thing is my boyfriend's like, oh, did she, like, do the poop go into the condo? Like, no. And you documented this? Well, I took a photo because I wanted to like make sure like, okay, the condom did like actually come out. So I wanted my sister to know.

I thought you were going to say that the dog got the condom and then brought it out in front of the whole family and was like, rah, like throwing it around the living room or something. That would have been great too. That's, I, okay, mystery condom, a missing condom, I thought you were going to, I also thought you were going to say maybe like, only because this happened to me years ago, a condom broke inside of me and like I couldn't find the rest of the pieces for like a hot minute. Like I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency because I was like, well, where is it? Like parts of it were inside of me and I ended up peeing it all out eventually, but scary.

Yeah. I can't die. Just poop it out like a dog. Yeah, so I love telling that story because I think it's hilarious. And yeah, she just really wants to be close to my boyfriend. Dogs, man, it's like they're so cute and so gross at the same time. Yeah. Yeah, like I always like, I always kissed her and like, you know, like she really like, obviously cleans herself with her tongue.

And I'm like, I'm just like making out with her. And it's like, no wonder I have a root canal or I need a root canal. I wonder I have a root come up. Wait, why is that so funny? Oh, my God, you were hilarious. I'm glad your dog's okay and still with us. And thank you so much for sharing the story. Of course.

Thank you for having me. Okay. Well, Pino decided to join at the last minute because he always knows when I'm finishing a podcast. He can like hear it in my voice when I'm wrapping things up. So just like Cassia wrapped up her boyfriend's D and got rid of the condom. We're going to get rid of what? We're going to go. Am I okay?

I don't know what you just said. I was trying to make a condom joke because I said I was going to wrap it up. And then I said just like, Kasha wrapped up her boyfriend, Dee. No, I loved it. Please, please keep it. That is funny. That is hilarious. I tried, guys. Sometimes I try and sometimes it's a sh-

What the? Sometimes it's a swing and a miss. Now stay tuned for next month's Vino Fessional's topic because I'm so excited about this one. We are now taking submissions for workplace romance. Now, I know this can be frowned upon, but it can also be a little spicy and off the vine is a safe space.

So I know some of you all have some good stories to share with me. So with workplace romance, okay, did you hook up with your boss? Did you meet your wife at work at a work conference? Did you waitress for a customer that you ended up leaving your number for at anything spicy? Let us know what type of workplace romance you whirled up. If you or a friend have a story that you just need to tell or do you want to get off your chest, email off the vine podcast at gmail.com or message off the vine podcast on Instagram and make sure you headline the email with something eye-catching so you can be chosen. Again, anything workplace romance and email off the vine podcast.

podcast at gmail.com. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating of you.