Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Dr. Tara | Let's Talk About Sex: Porn, Orgasms & Long-Term Relationships!

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

#966. 🎶 Let's talk about sex, babyyy... 🎶 And boy, do we ever.This week, Kaitlyn is joined by relationship and sex expert Dr. Tara for an honest, hilarious, and surprisingly eye-opening conversation about intimacy, desire, and all the questions people are usually too embarrassed to ask out loud. From changing sex drives and getting the spark back to porn, masturbation, faking orgasms, and why rejection can feel so personal, no topic is off limits.They also get into whether scheduling sex actually works, the biggest myths we've learned from Hollywood, how to have better conversations with your partner about intimacy, and why so many of us are putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves in the bedroom. Plus, Dr. Tara shares some wild stories from sex parties, breaks down what healthy intimacy really looks like, and leaves Kaitlyn (and probably you) questioning everything you thought you knew about sex.Whether you're single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, this episode is funny, refreshingly honest, and packed with practical advice that'll have you feeling a little more confident—and a lot less alone.If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE!Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these AMAZING deals!Zenni Optical: If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to ZENNI.COM/PODCAST and use code PODCAST15 for 15% off your first order.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of Off the Vine is brought to you by Zeni Optical. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now's the time. Go to zeni.com slash podcast and use code Podcast 15 for 15% off your first order. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Hey everybody, welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Did you know that in the third grade I got up and sang in front of my class, let's talk about sex baby.

Let's talk about you and me because I loved Salt and Pepper. Anyways, we're going to talk about sex today because nobody teaches you how to navigate changing sex drives, getting rejected by your partner without spiraling, figuring out who should initiate, or wondering if what you're experiencing is normal. I'm going to tell you it probably is, but we all just kind of, you know, wing it hope for the best. Today, we're answering all of those questions and then some. We're covering everything from porn, masturbation, faking orgasms, initiating sex, getting the spark back and all the awkward, uncomfortable, and surprisingly, surprisingly common. conversations people usually keep to themselves. So joining me is relationship and sex expert, Dr. Tara, who's made it her mission to help people build a healthier, happier relationship

by making conversations about intimacy feel a whole lot less intimidating. So she shares practical judgment-free advice that will leave you feeling just more informed, a little more confident, and most importantly, a little less alone. So whether you're single dating, married, somewhere in between, I just think you're going to take something away from this conversation. And so here's my chat with The Doctor. We do look cute, don't we? Yeah.

We kind of match in a way, but like in very different style. Different style. Color scheme. But matchy, matchy. I really love this dress. Is it Eritzia? Babe. It's a dude from Eritzia.

Oh. H&M. It is? And I got it during the London during the mid-year sale. It was 10 pounds. Oh, it looks very chic on you. Yeah. Yeah.

You look really great. I wish I maybe stepped it up a bit to match your vibe. Okay. my first segment I want to do is just why we are all pretending everything's fine. Yeah. Most people. I'm not. I don't pretend everything's fine.

But I just feel like women tell their girlfriends everything. They talk about anxiety, postpartum, finances, weird health symptoms. But I feel like the second the conversation turns into like your sex life, I feel like everything gets mysterious. And I was like known on The Bachelorette for being the same. sex one and the sex but I even sometimes I'm like, whar. So now when it comes to this, I know there's so many different reasons why. You know, like it could be attachment styles, boundaries, communication, consent, trauma. Like there's so many different, but I do hope that what we talk about today can apply to everyone. So I'm curious. Do you think more people are struggling

than they are willing to admit when it comes to sex in the bedroom? 100%. Okay. So what is something that couples think is completely normal, that immediately makes you think like this is not normal? You mean they think it's normal, but in actuality, in sexology, it is not normal. Okay. For example, faking an orgasm regularly. Not normal, huh? Well, I mean, it's common. It is so common.

But it shouldn't be normal. Okay, that's fair. Yeah, there's a difference between common, which is something that occurs a lot versus normal, which is something that should be okay. Okay. That's fair. Yeah. That's very fair. Something that people think is not normal that they're ashamed of when, in fact, it's actually quite normal. Okay.

It's not having sex that often in long-term relationships. Really? People, yeah, because they start feeling so guilty, like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with us? Why are we not? But that's normal. Oh, my gosh. I feel like a lot of people are going to like to hear that. Every time I'm at, like, you know, a women's only retreat or like a conference or whatever.

Like, women are always so ashamed. They always, like, raise their hand. put their head down and go, you know, what, what's a, like, how often should my husband and I have sex? Yeah, it's the number one question for women that are in relationships. Yeah. How often should me and my partner have sex? And the interesting part of this sentence is should. Everyone thinks there is a should for everything because there's a prescription to a successful marriage, right?

A prescription to a successful relationship. If you're not having sex, five times a week. Then you're not in a successful relationship, babe. Just kidding. No. There isn't a should. There isn't a should at all because in research, we found that quality of your sexual interaction is a much stronger prediction of sexual satisfaction than frequency. So it's not how often.

It's how good. Let's change the question. Okay. I like that because like I said, there's so many different reasons why people either do have sex a lot or don't have sex a lot. And there's like, I can, I'm a visual person. And when I see like sex, I see a million different reasons why we do or don't. Right. At what point do you think in a relationship, people start feeling that way.

Like, oh, we're just roommates. We're not having sex enough. At what point? Is there like a pinpoint of a years in? Yeah. We've seen it in research that usually it's after about two and a half years. Because there is a three-year hum, five-year hump, and then 10-year hump. What about the seven-year itch?

There is a seven-year itch. Yeah, it is a seven-year-old. seven-year age. Yeah. But the three-year hump is the most common. Yeah. Because after being together for three years, the sex that you've been having, unless you are constantly exploring and, you know, prioritizing your sexual well-being, is most likely

that you are having the same kind of sex since you met. And after three years of eating the same food on the menu, you want to try something else. Right. You don't want to admit it because we live in a society where, uh, there is a norm for everything, a norm for how to have sex, a norm for relationship status, a norm for monogamy.

So questioning it can mean that everything else come crumbling down. Right. Because then, oh, then who are we? What are we? Can we last? It's scary to admit that you have a sex problem or that you don't find your partner attractive.

Right. because I still, you can be madly in love with your partner as well. You could be wildly attracted to them. And still your sex drive could be lower because of how long you've been together. I always find it weird. I'm like, sex is so exciting at first because you're like, ooh, you're mysterious. And now I'm like, you just farted an hour ago. And like, I know your family trauma.

And now like, let's get it on. I'm not going to put my finger in your ass. I'm like, I know too much. Yeah. I agree. You know, Esther Perel, who is a psychotherapist, she loves saying that. like a passionate relationship needs mystery and we need space. But it's hard.

In modern relationships, we live together. We do everything together. That becomes not as exciting. Yeah. Not as there's no room to have passion. Yeah. When you know everything about the person and then you spend a lot of time together. How did you reframe the question?

We shouldn't be saying how often should we be having sex? What did you say is like, How good is the sex we're having? Okay, so you don't think there should be a number of how often we should be having sex? Well, I don't think so. Yeah. Research shows that couples who have sex at least once a week reported to be happier, higher sexual satisfaction, higher relationship satisfaction. So there's common patterns in research.

But are those people married 10 years with children? No. Okay. They're just in a committed relationship. So should people have way more forgiveness for themselves? their sex life if they're, you know, in it and with kids. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. So then my thought goes to, I think this is probably number two most asked question, is scheduling sex sexy? Is that something we should be doing or do you think that takes away the romance? Scheduling sex is extremely sexy. Okay.

But let me explain. Okay. It's not just like we're scheduling this. We're going to get together at 11 a.m. on Sunday and we're just going to start penetrating. Like, that's not what sex. That's not. what scheduling sex means when you talk to a sexologist. What we mean is scheduling out, carving out a time for any sort of intimacy to show your partner

that you are actually prioritizing them. It's all about making them feel special and a priority. Isn't that always what it is? At the end of the day, we all just want to be seen. We all want to be seen. Workplace, sex life, your marriage. We want to be seen. We want to be loved.

We want to be. Yeah. Like, are you showing enough desire for your partner? Because if you're not showing enough, they will then feel drained. Is there a difference between being in love and being desired? Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. You can be at a bar and someone can desire you. They don't love you. Oh, that's, okay, that's a stupid question. That's not a good point. No question is stupid. That one is pretty dumb. You're so funny. I'm like, let me move on. How do you explain to men? Well, actually, let me ask you this first. Do you think it's like men or men just have this thought?

They want to have sex. They, I've seen it that they need to ejaculate like once a day. And then women obviously need more of an emotional connection. Is this true? Because I love when you say research shows. Has there been research around men just wanting it, needing it, getting it. And women being like, God, I need to like, warm me up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Research shows that men tend to have more spontaneous desire type. Yeah. And women tend to have responsive desire type. Have you heard of these two? No.

So someone with spontaneous desire type can immediately get aroused, get horny, start like having sex, right? Initiate sex. And then someone with responsive desire type needs like needs a context to be clean and nice. They need a lot of like verbal affirmation and compliments and caressing and touch and kissing and, you know, groping, touching. Like warming up traditionally. And research is. saying that that is the difference between men and women? Not all, but majority.

Majority. Yeah, not all but majority. There are some women that have spontaneous desire type, especially when they're younger and especially when it's in a new relationship. So it can change. Okay. Women can first be, women can first have spontaneous desire type and then later in a relationship develop a more responsive desire type.

That's why some men that come to my private practice will go, well, my wife. I've used to initiate sex all the time. I'm like, yeah, it's very common in research, like that women in new relationships may have that type of desire. But it doesn't mean people can't change. People change all the time. And the best relationship is when you can change together and involve together and continue to find erotic solutions that work for both people.

Well, also communication is lubrication. So if you are feeling this way and, oh, she used to initiate, well, I just always feel like there's an ego involved and then there's a shame involved. So women always feel like, God, what's wrong with me that I don't want to have sex all the time? And then the men are like, I must not be hot enough or they must not want me. And that's not it at all. So how do you explain to men if you're not feeling super sexual? If you have low libido, if you're going through perimenopause, if you're just in general low libido, maybe you're on medication.

How do you explain and have that conversation with somebody so that their ego can die? Yeah. What? Send them my book. Yeah, send them my book. How do you like it? A guy forgetting what you want in bed. It explains like all kinds of variations within like men and women.

Yeah. Sexuality. But a particular communication strategy that I often teach my students is that you want to start with something very positive. And then you want to give that comment to like help them understand. And then you want to end with another positive thing. For example, if I was, let's say on medication and I don't really have any design. have like a low sex drive that's lower than I normally would have.

I would then have this conversation outside the bedroom, maybe over coffee or something like that, where we're just hanging out relaxing. I'd say, hey, can we talk about the bedroom? Can we talk about our intimacy? I just, I want to be really honest and vulnerable here. I love when we do have connected sex. I love it.

Like it's so connected. I feel so close to you and it feels amazing. The thing is, I've been on this medication for now X amount of months, and it has really been affecting how I feel. A lot of times, I don't even feel like it myself. Like, I don't even have the desire to masturbate. Like, I don't feel like it myself. And so I don't want you to think if I'm slowing down on wanting sex or initiating sex,

I don't want you to think it has anything to do with you because I've just really been feeling icky with this medication, but I need it for the moment. you want to end with the positive, so then you'll go. And I just really love that sometimes we just cuddle and you caress me. I feel really love when we share affectionate touch. I would still love to give you affectionate touch. It's just that penetrative sex isn't something that I desire right now.

Yeah. I would not have been able to have that kind of conversation until like this point in my life. I just feel like that takes a lot of confidence and understanding yourself to do that. But that's such good advice because how can you? That's just honesty. And I love ending it on a high note. Because I used to think I was like, am I asexual? No.

I'm not. I was just in the wrong relationship. But now I'm like, oh, you know. That can happen. Yeah, it can totally happen. I was married before in my 20s that I like rarely initiated sex. And I was like, oh, I wonder why. Yes.

Yeah. We were just not compatible. Yeah. And I think that is happening to a lot of people. You know, we have a 50% divorce rate for a reason. Yeah. So many things. Like, I bet sex and money are like the two.

Yes, it is. In fact, research shows the two hardest things to talk about in a relationship are sex and money. Oh, interesting. And the third is family planning. Really? What was, also, I feel like social media would be a tough one for couples. Yeah. I guess that would be like social regulation.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I wanted to know is there something that we can stop doing in the bedroom or we should stop doing in the bedroom, not because. because it's bad, but because it's performative. Oh, faking an orgasm. Okay, let's talk about that. What is, like, the percentage of people who fake an orgasm?

At least two thirds of women have. Wow. Yeah. Is that because they can't? Like, I have. Well, I have too. Yeah. But is that because they can't or is it because they just want to get it over with or both?

Both. Yeah. So the three main reasons. Imagine wanting to get it over with. That's awful. I've been there. Yeah, I've been there. So the three reasons are they just like can't.

They're not someone. one that can have vaginal orgasms. They can only have clitoral orgasm, which is completely fine. Second reason is they want to get it over with because they're like really tired that day, but they also wanted to, you know, be able to like sexually connect with their partner even though they're not going to come. Yeah. And then third is social desirability.

Like they want to come off as sexy and beautiful and desire. So, you know, when you orgasm, it gives you a male partner this like boost of confidence. And so you just kind of like did it for him. Yeah. So those are the common reasons. We're just so nice. Like women are so nice. It's not malicious.

It's because we want you to feel good. Yeah, but it's malicious for ourselves. Yes. Because we then create a negative loop of them thinking they can do exactly whatever they were doing. Yeah. Because it was giving us pleasure when in fact we needed something else. I don't struggle. I'm not just saying that to be cool.

I actually don't struggle. I could have an orgasm very easily. But a lot of people probably do and feel shame around not being able to have orgasms. Now, is that something that's just like a body? type or is this something in our heads? It's both. There are women with like certain, you know, changes in the anatomy that make it more difficult to achieve vaginal orgasm.

But most women, with an exception of very small percentage, most women can come clitorily. You know, whether a finger, a tongue, a toy. Yeah. If you use a vibrator, you can probably get there faster. So most women can orgasm clitorily. Not all women can orgasm vaginally or anal. or anally. Oh, I could never

anally. Well, apparently very, very, very pleasurable. I've heard this. I should not be telling the story and I will not say names, but a friend of a friend

was telling us a story the other day about when back in his day he went to like this massage place and they asked if he wanted a happy ending. He was like, sure. And that they put two fingers in his butt and I thought he was going to be like, it was terrible.

And he's like, I came in two seconds. And I was like, what? The prostate. Yeah. That is powerful. That's a thing apparently. Oh, man, love that. And they come so hard.

You just have to, like, press it. Well, I'm learning something new today. Yeah. Yeah. I just... So... Give you a partner of a mind-blowing orgasm. Okay, but look at these nails.

Wouldn't that hurt? Just use the pad. Use the pad. You don't have to enter the butt. You don't have to. You can even, like, press the area between the balls and the butthole. The worst is that my dad follows this podcast page and all clips, like, I shouldn't feel shame because I also, he's seen the worst.

on TV with me, but I'm like, oh, God, my dad. I think he will enjoy this. Okay. No, he won't. He will not watch and we will be blocking him from these clips. How can you help yourself want to have sex? Because I think a lot of people, once they're having it, they're like, why don't I do this more often?

Or why didn't I look forward to this? And it feels like a chore to get there. Is there a way to help us want to want sex? You have to revolve yourself around more eroticism in your life. And this can be through all the senses. So watch something erotic. It could be watching just a movie that has erotic scenes. It can be watching podcasts that talk about sex and different types of sex or exploration.

So this is your partner. Double downloads. Exactly. It can be reading sex books or erotica or sex like science book. Yeah. And then listen. You can listen to like sexy sounds like sexy music. You can listen to audio erotica.

Yeah, it's really sexy. Audio porn is huge for women. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I think I could, I think that was. Oh, I love audio porn. So much more than visual. Did you even know that was a thing?

Yeah, yeah. It's so hot. And oh, my God, the guys that narrate them. Really? Oh, they sound so hot. Yeah. And then they like narrate how they will like enter you and like how pretty you look and how. Oh, it's so good.

Okay. Audio porn. And then send, um, go pick a lot of people's life. And then scent, go pick an essential oil scent that you feel very sexy in. Rub that like on your wrists, on behind your ears. And use that to reset your nervous system to feel sexy. So that's the scent. And then the taste.

Is there something that you can eat to remind yourself of being sensual? So like mine would be like chocolate or strawberry. That helps me a lot. For some people, it could be tea. It could be a glass of wine. Like whatever it is that work. works for you. So engage in these senses and expose yourself to eroticism. That's your responsibility. So if you continue to say, I just don't feel like it for like years and years, but you don't do

anything, I'm going to say you need to hold yourself accountable, sis. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. No, that's good advice. And then what do you think the biggest libido killer is? Because just for women or men listening, I think sometimes that can help to just know what it is that's killing the vibe. So they can at least be aware of it or, again, take somebody for coffee and have that conversation. Okay. So two. I'm going to say two. One is within a relationship and that's neglect.

If you ever feel neglected in any sense, you're not going to want to have sex with that person, period. Your libido is done. Now, on a physical level, it's eating a lot of shitty food. Yeah, that makes sense. Nobody was, okay, think about how many times, I'm saying this for women, well, I guess men, if you're gay, but it's thinking how many times you go for dinner, you eat so much, and then you're like, I don't want to be entered. No, I'm so bloated.

I'm like, imagine just, like, that doesn't feel right. No, yeah, absolutely not. That's why I love the first theory, like half sex before you go to dinner day. My friend calls that a disco nap. Yeah, a disco nap. Yeah. Better than first. Same thing.

Yeah. The same thing. And I also would love to encourage people to expand their definitions of what sex means. To me, it could just be me and my partner laying next to each other and masturbating and come at the same time. Yeah. Mutual masturbation. One of my favorite activities ever. Don't worry.

We're going to talk about masturbation very soon. Do you think women, or is it true, I guess, that women lose their sex drive before men? or have we just been told that for so long that we believe it? It's true. It is true. Around what age? Like perimenopause? Oh, it's not necessarily age.

It's just that research found in relationships, women get bored of sex before men. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Esther talks about this as well. Really? God, Esther, she just really. We are, we need novelty as women even more than men.

Because men... Explain that. Like, in what way? Mm-hmm. So, biologic. like based on evolutionary theory, right? Men were meant to breed. So they were meant to like,

who, who, ha, ha, jerk off and just like shoot out their seats, right? Because that's in their biological thing to spread the seeds and have as many offsprings as possible. So therefore, they're not going to be as picky as like which hole they're entering and who. And how long we've been together. Because that's my function.

It's just a bunch of nick cannons out there. Yeah. Yeah. For women, for the, longest time sex had to be about procreation, which is just like receiving the sperm and have a baby. Right. But nowadays, it's about pleasure. And pleasure is a lot more complex than who, who, ha, ha, enter and come.

Yeah. Right. And if men that were dating are not upgrading their sexual toolbox, we're going to be bored. Yeah. Yeah. That's the hard truth. And sometimes I say that and men get so pissed about it. I'm like, well, what are you going to do about it?

Well, they're pissed because they're. Stop being pissed. It's triggered something in them. Exactly. All the good men out there know that they can up level their sexual competence and include more toys, include more different perspectives, different acts, try new things. Like, they know how to do that. Like, all my partners know how to do that. Okay.

You have three questions that you ask every couple that can tell you almost everything you need to know about the health of their relationship. What are those three questions and why are they so revealing? So you want to ask, like, how was our sex life this last month? how would you rate it from 1 to 10? And I think that's like really important to ask monthly because people change all the time. And if we're not taking care of our sexual connection, everything else will also be negatively affected.

Secondly, is there anything else I can do for you? Another way I can improve the day or improve myself in order to be a better partner to you. I think everyone should be asking each other that. And just in general, are you even speaking of sex or just in general? general. No, everything. Yeah, yeah. Everything. And then lastly is, is there something that you wanted to tell me this last month that you haven't had a chance to tell me or you feel uncomfortable telling me because

I'm here, I'm open and non-judgmental. I want to hear it. Okay, but then when you say you're open and non-judgmental, how do you actually stay open and non-judgmental when they do give you feedback? Reframed everything to it is not, it is not the person attacking me. It is us. attacking the problem. Ooh, that's good. Yeah. Okay. That's good.

I really like that. Yeah. That gave me like the hole. Yeah. Okay. Why do so many women think something is wrong with him if they don't orgasm during penetration? Cultural narrative and media. Movies, TV shows.

Rom-coms, poems. Yeah. How many times have we seen on the screen where he just comes in? He kisses me for like one minute, pulls up my skirt, enter. And I just come. No, I'm like, like, and then real life, you realize, oh, shit, you need like 35 minutes of four play, then maybe 10 to 15 minute of penetration. And that doesn't happen. So don't blame yourself.

Yeah. But do you hear that? Don't blame yourself. That's so true. I want to get to that because I do have questions about rom-coms and porn and what it's done to us. But I'm going to ask you just quickly two listener questions. I'm going to keep them anonymous. Somebody said we've been married for over 10 years.

Everything else in our relationship feels solid. We just don't have sex very often. anymore. Neither of us really bring it up either, but I can't help wondering if this is normal. I'm going to go with, yes, it's normal. Yes, it's normal. Yeah, in long-term relationships. But it's good to be proactive and introduce a new exploration. Have you heard of scream cream? Yeah, for your vagina to feel more arousal. Yeah. Do you recommend that to people? I don't specifically recommend a product per se, but I can say whatever works for you works for you. now I don't want people to always think

they need a shortcut. It's kind of like with men, right? There are medications out there that can give you a heart on just like that. However, let's also look at the root cause of your erectile dysfunction. It could be psychological. It could be mental. It could be food you're eating. Let's also look at the root cause. While you can use your medication,

like I don't shame people for using medication. Same thing with cream. Like, use it. If it makes you feel more comfortable and confident, like who cares? At the same time, also, look into alternative ways to then help supplement you to feel more whole and excited and aroused and womanly like whatever it works for you yeah and then the next question is is it normal to fantasize about someone other than your partner even if you're happily in love absolutely normal really yeah yeah i would be so offended if i found out i'd be like everyone does though what yeah

everyone does at some point in that relationship okay very very normal it's very normal it has nothing to do with reality. So fantasy has nothing to do with reality. Okay. Creativity within your sexual imagination has nothing to do what you actually want to do in reality. Okay. So there are fantasies that you want to act out.

And then there are fantasies that you just love thinking about, like for fun. Okay. And people need to accept that. And here's an analogy that I love to tell. Think of horror movies. Yeah. Right? People that created saw and all those ways to like kill a person.

True. Do you think those exact? executive producers want to go out and kill people that way? I hope not. Exactly not. They're not. It's just creativity. Same with sex. Sexual imagination. It's creative. Sometimes other people pop up. Actors. Yeah. They don't mean anything. You're not going to go do it in real life. So please don't feel a shame if you ever think about other people. Well, because some people are so confident in role playing. I'll never forget when I... Roleplay. I yucked that yumb years ago. And I remember saying something on a podcast. And it was projection because I was too insecure to

do it. So I was like, I like it. But you're so self-aware to even say that now. Well, now, yes. But I got some serious feedback from people being like, excuse you. Like that actually, like, we love doing that. Why would you make us feel shame? And I was like, oh, shit. And then I had a sex expert come on years ago and talk about role playing. And then I learned about it. And I was like, oh, I'm just insecure. Yeah. Got it. Okay. But I don't, like, how did somebody even start role playing? You like it. I love role play. Okay. Like, what is, can you give us a scenario to like, if, someone wants to try at home. Oh my, I think my.

I'm like, if someone wants to try at home, I'm asking for a friend. I think my favorite easy one is getting picked up at a hotel bar or like just out, out and about. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah. I love that. I love getting picked up. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And then just like reintroduce yourself. It's like, hey, my name is this. You can even change your name. Okay. Change your occupation. You should get a hotel room in that place. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And then meet at the bar. Yeah. Have him come approach you. and just introduce himself and ask if he can buy you a drink. And then just start from there and then lie about everything. It's fun. Yeah. Like lie about my name.

Lie about what I do. Lie about where I'm from. Lie about my age. Now that I feel like we've seen in some rom-coms. Well, but doing it in real life, you have to also understand like in rom-coms, they cut the scenes, right? It's so short per scene. But in real life, you have to carry that forward for like an hour.

That's true. Yeah. So make sure that you approach it playfully. Like don't think about it. it too seriously. You know, sometimes you might laugh, you might break the fourth wall. And that's okay. Yeah. Have fun. I think that was my problem back in the days. I was like, I can't take myself seriously. Right. And you don't have to. You can even be, you can even be a comedian. Yeah. You can be like, oh yeah, I'm just in town. I have a gig at a theater.

You are so smart. That's a genius idea. I'm a comedian. Yeah, I swear sunglasses just have the power to change my mood. I can throw on the most basic outfit out of a good pair of sunnies and suddenly I'm like, okay, there she is. It's wild. little accessory can completely just change the whole look. So I've been wearing the game time sunglasses from Zeni Optical. They have become the pair that I keep grabbing before I even head out the door. I got mad the other day because I left them in the car in the parking garage downstairs, had to go get them. They're classic enough to wear with everything, but still have a little personality, which feels very me. I also love how easy Zeni made the whole process. So I picked my

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off your first order. And the styles sell out. So just don't sit on it. Okay. That's Z-E-N-N-I.coms promo code podcast 15. Rom-coms have like in some ways ruined our expectations. I feel like they make it look like people are just so spontaneous and ripping each other's clothes off like you said. And all of a sudden it's like wow. It's so wild and fun in the middle of cooking dinner. But in real life, like someone's asking like, did you lock the front door or did you turn off the stove and you're in your pajamas at seven? And it's like, you know, it's just so different. But what do you think the biggest lie? Hollywood sold women about relationships and sex.

That we don't need foreplay. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's so damaging. Because it's been years and years and years of showing us that on TV. Therefore, we are all as a generation, millennials, Gen X, even boomers. like Gen Zs are better now because they have better education for sex. But I feel like they're not even having sex.

Not yet, but we can talk about that later. Okay. But basically we have generations of women that think penetration first is normal. And that's not okay. Oh, yeah. That's not okay. Yeah, that's the way they mess up the most. Okay, that's true.

And then do you think porn's quietly changed what people expect from sex too? Yeah, absolutely. I feel like that's when when boys are like first starting to go through their feelings and the internet is so accessible. I feel like, now I shouldn't just judge this based on sex, but I'm assuming it's more men and boys that are looking that up on the internet like, boops. Is that true?

Or do you think girls are curious too? Girls are curious too. I wasn't until like late 20s. Yeah. Not as high of a percentage as boys. Like most boys watch porn. Yeah. I would say maybe like two thirds or half the women.

And do you think that's giving them expectations that aren't realistic? Absolutely. So how do you help that? I view porn similarly to other dangerous tools like social media or guns. It's like how you use it, right? Like you can use it to the advantage or you can use it incorrectly and you abuse it and therefore it negatively affects you and the whole society. Right.

So with porn, you just have to be careful. You have to regulate how much you watch it because it changes your brain. Yeah. And you don't want to become porn reliant. Like, it's not nice every time you're trying to connect with someone, you have to pop that up. Right. Like, you know, when in fact you really shouldn't need that sort of multimedia stimulation in order to just connect with your partner. Yeah, that's, I think a lot of people so much feel a lot of shame around watching porn too.

So then they hide it and then that becomes the problem. Yeah. Not so much. Yeah. You shouldn't shame looking at adult content. I watch porn. Yeah. But maybe like once a month.

Oh. Yeah. The rest of the time I listen. Yeah. I was good to say I'm into the listening to that. I think I could I think I could get down. I'm so turned on audibly. Where do you find audible porn?

So you can do, there's an app called Quinn. Quinn. They have like really hot guys on there. Like visually hot guys. Can you please be a sponsor on my podcast? Yeah, they should. They will. Okay.

They are, um, I love them. Do you, have you seen the Netflix show? call the summer I turned pretty? I haven't, but I know everybody has. Okay. So the guy on there, Conrad, he voices one of them. You're kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of Hollywood guys that voicing them. Oh, that's cool because I'm sitting here thinking it's going to be like some guy who just has a sexy voice and we don't know what they are. Oh, no. It's like superstars. I think, correct me if I'm wrong one and we can Google this. I think Alexander Scarscard might be one of them. Really?

Or someone equally hot. Yeah, it's like a lot of Hollywood stars. Wow. And they sound so hot. And you can just like close your eyes and just imagine. That's awesome. Okay. How long like does this audible last?

Well, I mean, I'm quick. So I only listen to like five minutes. Oh, good for you. I know we talked about how there shouldn't be a number of days we have sex or how often. But how long is too long to go without having sex for a healthy relationship? Considering you live together? Yeah. Like you're not.

constrained by like traveling. Yeah, let's say you live together. Like sometimes they're gone through years. Yeah. Okay. Let's say no. You live together. I'd say three months.

Okay. Yeah. In a normal time of the year. But if you just had a baby, give yourself like a year. Yeah. No kidding. And do you think, okay, during that time after you have a baby, you don't want to do it. You're like, first of all, you can't or you don't want to or your body is going through it.

It can hurt. Yeah. Do you think? women should be more forgiving for men needing to masturbate and watch porn during that time. Masturbating, yes. Okay, let's talk about masturbating. I just feel like it's one of those relationship topics that nobody wants to bring up until someone's feelings get hurt.

And I feel like every couple seems to have different opinions about masturbation, privacy, what's okay, once you're in a committed relationship, how often, blah, blah, blah. But I don't think anyone actually talks about where those boundaries are. So you think masturbation is healthy in a relationship? Yeah. Okay, but just not hiding it? Not hiding it. Okay.

Yeah, not hiding it. Talking about it together, maybe doing it together mutual masturbation. Okay. But also not completely relying on it where you neglect having sex with your partner. Should couples tell each other when they masturbate or is that okay to remain private? I think it's okay to remain private, but I encourage people to tell each other because I think it's so hot. Yeah. If my partner, like, text me, like, hey, just masturbating, thinking of you, I'd be like, oh, my God.

Now I got to go masturbate. Like, you know, especially when I'm out of town or something like that. I think it's so hot. Yeah. Okay. So if somebody feels hurt knowing their partner masturbates, what do you think they're actually feeling underneath that? And what can they do?

Neglect. Yeah. They think, oh, you're choosing to pleasure yourself rather than connecting with me. Yeah. Like, they feel like they aren't desired. Yeah. Yeah. A defensive mechanism.

that's fair if you could if you could watch every couple have one five minute conversation before they ever had sex what combo would save them the most heartbreak sexual compatibility yeah yeah how do you figure out sexual compatibility like how do you have that conversation and figure it out yeah so i think first you talk about like how important is sex in a long-term relationship like how do you view the role of sex like you know how how how should long-term couples approach sex and sexual connection um Then you talk about what are your likes and dislikes that are the basic ones. Then you talk about kings. Like what are some more taboo, more non-traditional things that you're into? What can be some of the kings that are non-negotiable?

Meaning like you have to practice it to feel good. And then what about the future? Like are there things that are on your bucket list or you think about, oh, in this lifetime, I would love to do this. For example, a lot of men that I talk to in my practice, one of their bucket list is a threesome. And they were like, oh, before I die, I must have a threesome. But then now they're already married in a monogamous relationship.

How are you going to do it? You have to bring it up to your partner. But they're so scared. Yeah. So that's something that you should talk about the five minutes before you start dating or having sexual relationship. I feel like that would be wild, like to go on a first date and start talking about sexual compatibility. I do that all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you in a relationship? I am. I have a partner in multiple places. Hot! Yeah, I'm Polly and Open. Amazing. Do you know the difference between?

Yes, but please explain to people who don't. So, Polly means you have multiple love relationships. So you are like committed to these partners and you're together. Yeah. And you can be Polly and Close or Polly and Open. And you're Polly and Open. I'm Polly and Close. So Polly and Close mean like let's say if you have three boyfriends, like that's all you have and you're in that structure.

you're not open to go on dates. Got it. Polly and open means you are allowed to go on dates with people and meet new people. So you have to find men that are also okay with this because they obviously know. Yes. Okay. It's on my profile. And like if you come to my social media, it's everywhere.

If you Google my name, it's on like all the media articles. It's like, OK magazine talks about how, you know, my partner and I have sex with other people. Do you have a favorite? No. I practice non-hiracical polyamory What's that? I have care and love for each person uniquely, individually, and it's not like... Like picking a favorite child?

Yeah, no. It's like you can't pick a favorite child. Yeah. Like I feel in my personal philosophy, it's important to treat everyone uniquely and respectfully in their own way. Yeah. Because sometimes hierarchical makes me feel icky. Like, oh, you're secondary. You're third.

It just doesn't feel right to me. But some people can practice it. I don't yuck anyone's yom. So you don't have jealous bone in your body. You know, I do. There are times that I feel a bit like, oh, well, you know, have fun. But at the same time, just like, oh, what did you guys do? Like, you know.

Do you ask those questions? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Like, even the woman that my partner in L.A. is dating, like, I will ask, like, oh, so when did you see her last? What did you guys do? did you bring her back here? What did you eat? And you want to know these things?

I want to know. Not everyone wants to know. My partner in L.A., he only asks about who. He doesn't ask what we do. Okay. Yeah. That's so, I respect the hell out of that. Yeah.

Practicing this is quite challenging, but at the same time, for how long I've had my private practice and seeing monogamous couples, I know for a fact that every relationship is hard. Yeah, yeah. You pick your heart. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. I feel like initiating is such a conversation, you know, because I feel like, well, should it be a 50-50 thing? I guess it probably should, but I feel like I always want the guy that. I disagree. I don't think it needs to be. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I think some relationships, people have roles. Yeah. Yeah. Like sometimes women just prefer the man to initiate because it shows their leadership. Yeah. And they want to feel taken. Yeah. Which is fine.

I think you just need communication. I just feel like I've such math. masculine energy all the time and that makes me feel more in my feminine. Yeah. There you go. If you just say that to them, then immediately he now understands that maybe. Yeah. Maybe if you're not initiating is because you just want him to start.

Yeah. So make sure you do communicate though, like the initiation strategy that you prefer. Right. And then how do you, I guess, tell the difference between not tonight and something deeper is wrong? Oh, when they're not tonight. becomes like a three months of night or six months of not tonight. Yes. Then you know something's wrong.

Yeah. Fair. Because I think not tonight can be temporary and it's completely fine because it's situational. But if it becomes a pattern, then there's definitely something wrong outside the bedroom. Is there something that women think is sexy that men could care less about? Laundre. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I know a lot of men that are like, yeah, I don't care about that at all. Yeah. Just be naked. Yeah. Be in a T-shirt. Be in like, what? whatever yoga pants.

Like, I don't care. But I think women spend a lot of like time thinking about aesthetics. Totally. Especially like newer dates. Yeah. You know, they're like, oh, I have to wear like an expensive lingerie. Like, I don't think that's necessary. Okay, but then let me ask you this.

So the listener that asked about they're being 10 years in, it's definitely not as much as they're wanting. What can flirting actually look like in a 10 year relationship? Mm-hmm. Do something new together. Having space away from each other. And then there's that coming back together. And then having the man plan.

candidate. Yes. Okay, I love that. I do love distance. I think that really, you miss somebody and then you're like, wait, I do still desire them. Oh, the first few years of me and my partner in L.A., like, we were together all the time and then we got married, so then we were together all the time. But then the last few years, the last four years, we spend like a few months, actually, apart because I'm filming in London. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I miss him so much. Aw, that's nice. It's really amazing. I think I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, know it's a privilege though not everyone can just like you know go off and live somewhere else for months that's why you have to create micro space within your life yeah yeah whether or not

like you're alone time to go to yoga and get your nails done your girls night once a week like you need micro space yeah within your day yeah um okay i'm gonna play a little game with you called sexy or scam basically it's factor fiction okay okay um sleeping naked increases sex sexy Sexy. Yeah, you think it does, right? Yeah. I think so too. Yeah.

Scheduling sex kills the romance. No, we already talked about that. Scam. Yeah. Men want sex more than women. Sexy. Yeah. When the spark is gone, the relationship's over.

Scam. Libido naturally declines in women at 40. It's true, but there's H, there's HRT now. So, hormone therapy. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can do all kinds of things now to prevent that. from even happening from where I went on testosterone cream and I was like we're back new person yeah yeah

exactly highly recommend I do too um you've probably heard every awkward embarrassing unbelievable sex story imaginable so what is the most relatable story or funny funniest story that you've heard that still makes you laugh oh uh my girlfriend that uh went on a date it's kind of gross is it okay if it's gross. Of course. My girlfriend went on a date with this guy when we were in London and she went out with him and they had like had dinner, had beers. They then went to like an EDM concert and then he came back to our apartment.

And they were like trying to get it on. And he was like, oh, you know, I'd really love for you to play with my ass. Yeah. Oh, no. And she's like, oh, okay. And then he's like, yeah, but one second. And then he like went to the bathroom. He let out like the biggest fart of.

any farts I've ever heard in my entire life. I was in the other bedroom. I heard it. The bathroom was in the middle. Her room was here. My room was here. I heard his fart. And then his double flush.

Oh. Which means he probably took a shame of it. No. And then he came on. He's like, okay, I'm ready. Yeah. No. Yeah.

I'd be like, bleh. I am throwing up in my mouth. Oh my gosh. But I was courteous. So I didn't come out. I didn't text her. I didn't want to interrupt. But I was like, oh my God.

I will yuck his yum on that. It is nasty. That's gross. I am not. You can't hear a fart and double flush and lick his asshole. You know. Unless you heard the shower running after and like heard the bar soap drop. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, when I hear a cute one. Yeah, no. Let's end it on a high note. Yeah. On a high note. Give us a cute one.

So I went to this sex party. It was so much fun. It was really cute. Like people were so intellectual, interesting, very respectful. Yeah. My partner and I kind of like found a corner. There's like a bunch of people having sex behind. We just found a corner.

We sat down on a little elevated cushion. And he started like, you know, pleasuring me. So I like lay down a bit. But then there's a woman that was laid down behind me and was getting eaten by three men. Wow. Okay. So men were like showering her with love. Like, you know, licking her nipples, like massaging her clit, going down on her.

They were all like tag team. Wow. She then proceeded to have like one of the biggest squirts I've ever seen my entire life. Yeah. And some of her squirt got into my hair. Okay. And then she's... And I was like, oh, oh.

And then I turned around. And I was like touching my hair. And so my hair is wet in her squirt. And I turned around. I was like, oh, I think you've squirted in my hair. She's like, you're welcome, darling. That's my moon juice. She's like, bless you.

You have been blessed with the moon juice. She's like a hippie woman. Yeah. She had like braids. Oh, my God. And so I was blessed by her moon juice. I love that you think that's cute Yeah I thought it was cute

I kept it What I didn't I mean I didn't wash it that night You're like I cut off that lock of hair And I kept it in a jar with her moon juice That night I washed it the next day But yeah I was like I thought it was cute So you'll go to sex parties and people just be having sex around you I think I'm still insecure

That's what I'm getting from this I think here's the thing though I hope everyone understand sex parties Aren't just like big orgies It's like it's a party. So there's clubbing. There's DJ. There's strings.

There's a show. So if you are monogamous, you can just go and hang out and get a drink and just watch people have sex. And like you don't ever have to participate. It's just a vibe. Wow. Yeah. I recently went on a sex cruise. You're kidding me.

I can't even talk about cruises because I just watched the cruise that tipped over on Netflix last night. Oh. I don't know what that is. Oh my gosh. It's like this crazy documentary about this cruise ship that sunk. it's not the Titanic and it was like people had footage and I feel like the trauma is in my body from it but go on tell me about your sex cruise oh well so it's seven days it's on a very days yeah very luxury cruise like so luxury like I was in a suite that was beautiful it was like

probably 15,000 pounds wow um and there was like 650 people on the cruise and every night there's like spectacular shows very erotic like everyone dresses up every night there's a theme it's so fun beautiful luxurious everyone's really friendly, nice and interesting. There were two playrooms. One was regular playroom with regular music, lots of beds, like I think maybe 60, 70 bits. And then the other room was like the BDSM dungeon.

And that was so much fun. Wow. And one of the most surprising facts that I learned was almost a third of the couples on there were just monogamous couples. You're kidding me. They were just one of vibe. Good for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I made friends with a couple of them that were like, oh yeah, we're monogamous. We're just here to like, learn because during the day there are classes. That's why I was there. I was hosting a class every day. Yeah. So during the day, it's like relationship classes. Yeah. And then at night, like, sex party. Okay. So let's end with where people can find your book and like these courses or however they can learn from you. Yeah. They can just go to my website. Everything is on there. It's lovebytes.com. That's L-U-V-B-I-T-E-S.O. Okay. Cool. Congratulations on everything. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to watch your show. Oh my gosh. Yes. Yes. It'll be so fun. But I just feel like we've covered a lot of ground there. You did so well. You did your research.

Oh, yes. I did. I'm so fascinated by this too because I think it all stemmed from when I did figure out I was yucking people's yom. And I was like, be more open, Caitlin. And I think people at home really love these conversations. I feel like it makes people feel seen and heard. And I feel like a lot of people are just in their heads about it, you know? So I hope this episode gives people permission to start talking about.

sex with their partners and what they need and where their chemistries at and, you know, just battle through the awkward questions and do it in a loving way and end with a compliment. I love that lesson. So thank you so much for being here and for making these topics feel approachable. I really appreciate you. Thank you for having me. And thank you for being such a good example for people out there. Like, hey, we can talk about sex.

Even if someone that used to feel uncomfortable or used to yuck other people's yums, you can change. Well, yeah. And I should have known better because I was slut shamed on my show for so many years. There you go. You're a good example. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate having you here. And yeah, everybody go follow and learn more about your old sex life. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Thursday. Welcome to Pluto phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV where all your blockbuster favorites

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