Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Drunk Dial: Ghosting and Self Love

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

Kaitlyn talks to heartbreak coach Claire Byrne about getting rejected and ghosted in the age of online dating. Claire shares a story about her own experience and provides useful tips to prioritize yourself over everything! The two take questions from fans and reply with enlightening thoughts and anecdotes about how to check in with your feelings. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. Podcast One presents Off the Vine Drunk Dial. It's all about dialing digits and making questionable decisions. Let's get it started. Okay, this is that work? I need to get those things. All right, everybody, happy Friday, and welcome to this episode of Drunk Dial.

Today I'm sitting down with someone who took her experience of being heartbroken and turned it into a pretty badass career. She's now a heartbreak coach who regularly helps people get over the one who broke their heart, whether that's through her podcast, how to stop wanting him back. her healing heartbreak program that provides one-on-one guidance, and her articles featured in publications such as Courtney Kardashians, poosh. She's here with me today to share her heartbreak story and to help you move on. Please welcome to the podcast, my guest, Claire Byrne. Thank you so much for having me. You've written some articles, and one was about being ghosted. So how do you handle being ghosted?

First step is the least fun step. Feel the suck. It sucks to get ghosted. And I think our egos are totally bruised. And then we're also feeling shame because I thought he really liked me. I talk about in this article how I went out with this guy and he was like, listen, can we meet for a drink? But I got to go to my cousins for dinner afterwards. But it would be great to just meet for a quick drink.

And I'm like, great, sure. And we sit down and we have a drink. And I tell him I'm a life coach. This is pre me being really like comfortable with saying it. Which that's a whole other episode. Because I think you really have to own all of who you are when you're dating and not be shy or afraid to. I agree. worry about what other people think. But like some people like this guy who's in finance clearly

thought it was so weird. So when I said that I was a life coach, I mean, I wish we could record my face imitating his face. But he was like, really? Yeah. And I was like, Ryan, are you okay? Are you okay? Let's talk about it. Yeah. I can give you a feelings. And so I was like, are you okay, Ryan? And he was like, oh, yeah, I just make, you know, weird faces. and like he just like totally tripped over it or whatever and the bartender says you know oh do you want another drink and I was thinking oh we got to go because he's got dinner at his cousins air quotes who knows I right but and he was like no no no let's have one more drink and I was like oh cool like great and I wasn't sold on him either but I have another drink and he's like oh I have to go

and I'm like oh no whatever like go outside my Uber gets pulled up he walks me to my Uber and I was like was so nice meeting you. And he plants this lovely kiss on me. And I'm just like, why? And he goes, I really don't want to leave. And I'm like, well, we'll see each other soon. Next day unmatches me. Shut up. Swear to God. And so I talk about in this article, like, did I make up that he said, I really don't want to leave? You start gaslighting yourself. You're like, what happens? That's like that friend's episode when Chandler always says, well, great, we'll do it again sometime. And then the girl thinks that he means it but he doesn't and then they're like you got to stop saying that

that's so weird no but even still i feel like let's do it again sometime is like uh it's it's not okay but it's it's not as bad as i really don't want to leave and kissing me and having that second drink that's so interesting yes so interesting right so the natural thing is to overanalyze it with 87 people being like oh my god right yeah and so go do that go overanalyze it and what the out of it right but then and then really kind of you move through the shame of it right and then it's like guys thank you for showing me who you are yeah like that's all it is now that's not as hurtful of a situation because that was one day two drinks who gives a right but then when you know you're with someone for three months and he disappears that's really really hard yeah and so my whole thing

is again feel the suck feel the pain but then really recognizing you don't really know someone in three months. Yeah, that's fair. You know, like, I thought I did. I was really excited about this person, really messed up that he's just completely, and he's showing you, and again, we're saying he versus her or whatever he or. Yeah. Yeah. And they're showing you that they don't have coping skills to be an emotionally mature adult to say, hey, I don't see this working anymore. Yeah. So thank you. Because if you want to have kids with this person and he doesn't have the ability to say, I don't see this moving forward, is that the person who you want to be the father of your kids? Yeah. truly yeah like if you're not equipped to just have basic decency to say this say it in a text

if you're if you don't have the balls to even say it on the phone or in person right right so instead of making it about you and shaming yourself and feeling embarrassed and feeling hurt and all those things be like oh wait a second that actually doesn't work for me yeah take your power back because we make it so much about like oh what did i do and overanalyze and second guess yourself and you know what i'm not saying that you know that he ghosted and i did nothing Maybe you did do something. So do a little investigative work on yourself. Is there something that you said that might have been offensive and clean that up?

But at the end of the day, if he just disappears into thin air, boy, bye. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Dumb, boy. Bye. I like that. LeCroix Sparkling Water was developed to give health conscious consumers refreshment, flavor, and sparkle with an innocent twist of zero calories, zero sweeteners, and zero sodium.

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Did you have another point or was, were those your two? I think that that's really good. Yeah, no, I like to take your power back. Yeah, but you only, but everybody thinks that the power comes from him explaining himself. Yeah. And it doesn't. The power comes from you saying, oh, thank you for showing me who you are. Really.

Yeah. And then, you know, people say, well, how do I avoid getting ghosted again? There's no guarantee. You just have to like go and be your best self. and be your honest self and be present and be open but anything can happen you're meeting a stranger

off the freaking internet yeah and if they ghost you then they why would you want to be with somebody that clearly wants nothing to do with you exactly go find somebody that does and then beyond that

I think it's really doing the work to keep owning the catch that you are regardless of whether someone stays or goes and that's really the crux of my work with my clients

right yeah okay I like that so that college girl on Twitter wants know is it better to stop talking to him cold turkey or ease out of it because drunk texting has become a dangerous game cold turkey girl yeah cold turkey that college girl for sure it's just not worth it and i always say if your intention is to find mr or miss right then why is your attention yeah being paid to mr wrong and your energy and your communication you're

literally taking up space for the right person to enter yeah that's i like when you said on on Thursday's episode like why are you staying or what are you doing in this situation right like don't put it on all on them because you're in it too and it's not an opportunity to shame yourself like look at it because then people go I don't know why what's wrong with me I'm crazy there's something wrong with me and it's just like no just like do the work without judging yourself yes come from a non-judgmental self-compassionate space and just be like what is this about why do I need him to fill the void of the love that I'm seeking outside of myself how can I give myself the love. I actually just posted this on

Instagram this morning. It's so boring to love yourself versus someone else, isn't it? Like, really? Like, it's so much more fun to be able to just have sex with someone and be cuddled and be whined and dined and loved and adored and have someone think you shit gold. Yeah. It's so much more fun than thinking you shit gold and cuddle yourself

at night. You're right. But that's the work. Yeah. Getting up, waking up, and being really excited about loving you. Yeah. It really can be so much fun. I truly am the product of my product in that way. Like, I really, the fact that I wanted to see you and I hop on a freaking plane and I'm like, I'm going to Nashville. I respect that hustle. Yeah. Because I wanted to do it. Yeah. I do it for myself. And I love that about me.

What are the things that I love about me? And then a lot of clients struggle with that. That just sounds so egotistical. Well, get over it because if you don't think you're amazing, why would someone else think that? Yeah. And it doesn't take long to convince yourself. No. Like, I mean, it does, but like in the, in the bigger picture, it doesn't. When you really start to gather the evidence and look for why you think you're great and worthy of being in something really great, it doesn't take long. But when the brain has been operating in such a way for so many years in this habitual pattern of not feeling like you're enough. And, you know, I just asked a client last night. She just ended something with someone who turned out to be a bona fide liar.

Like he wasn't, he never went to college, not because that doesn't make someone bad, but not. But he lied about it. But he lied and said that he did. He lied about what he did in his line of work. And all this stuff just started to come out. And I was just like, okay, so who do you want to attract? What if your ideal guy and like really thinking, feeling and behaving as if he's here? And I'm like, let's say this ideal man. So we got clear in her ideal man. I'm like, how would you feel. And the first thought she had was, oh my God, don't, don't f*** it up. So she didn't even really think that she was worthy of him coming. Because I'm like, but let's play and see if he is going to come, like how you would feel. And she's like, I can't even go there because. I don't think it's possible. So you have to believe that it's possible first. Yeah. And you have to believe that you are worthy of someone really amazing coming into your life before actually bringing him in. Boom.

There. Yeah. Somebody wanted to know. Her name's Jess. Should you block your ex on social media? So 100% yes in the immediate breakup because someone's hurting, right? Yes. And I mean, but now I'm totally connected to exes on.

social media because I don't have any attachment to them. So 100% yes, block, block, block. And you know, what I always get is, well, I just don't want him to think that I care or I don't want to be rude or harsh. And it's like just worrying about what he thinks matter more than your healing and well-being. Right. That's the bottom line. Right. You have a choice. And staying connected and seeing what he's doing, what he's up to, who he's with, if he looks sad. Yeah. Like is not serving your healing and then I just my two good friends now like they just came back into my life in a really organic way there was no like hey can we get together and be friends like yeah it just happened in a beautiful way and we're totally connected on social media and it's totally fine but

initially 100% block rip the bandaid off commit to the healing yeah because that damn search page too wait if you block somebody they don't come up on your search page on Instagram right I don't think so either And also block their family, block anyone who's connected. And I know that that's really hard. But oh my God, I was so close to his mom. And it's like, again, are you worried about like losing the connection with her and what she thinks? Or do you want to heal and get over it? Priorities.

Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to try. I feel like I'm getting angry. I feel like priorities. I'm like, yeah. No, I like it. Fiery Irish woman over here, never dies.

So Natalie wants to know how do you stay present in the moment of what you're feeling and not go back and say, well, what if I would have done this or go forward and say, what's going to happen next? Yeah, that's really good. And again, you know, going back to, isn't it so much more fun to have someone else love you than you love you? Isn't it so much more fun to just replay all the ways it could have gone differently and should have gone differently and then come up with all the ways this can get fixed, which is if he or she will come back, right?

Right. And so presence is super boring. Just like loving yourself. So, but presence is. totally the answer. And so I'm a huge meditator and really believe in mindfulness. And so when you're starting to really panic about the past and try to resist the reality of what unfolded or, you know, plan for the future and play out all the scenarios, which is so what I do still at times. Like, but what if this happens? What if this happens, right? Trying to kind of do

preventative damage control. Right. You guys, it is. It's a boring answer. But really coming to presence, coming to your breath, meditating, finding your feet on the ground, checking in with your heart, and really just observe your thoughts. I'm noticing that I'm preparing myself and hoping for the day he comes back and what that looks like. And is this really serving me? Right. Asking yourself that. Is my brain going there right now really serving me? Probably not, right? And then saying, asking myself, well, what is it that I need right now? And spoiler alert, the answer is not him calling you. Yeah. It's not. What can I give myself right now that I'm looking for in finding relief at the possibility of him coming back? Because we don't know.

Yeah. And so what does being with the unknown look like? Feel that? I hate the unknown when it comes to matters of my heart. Yeah. And, like, really, like, even as I say that, my heart just, like, kind of clenches and does, like, a little tight flip. And so it's like putting my hand on my heart, which was something I was really resistant to in therapy, you know, she would say, Claire, can you put your hand on your heart and just say, you're doing great and just take a breath and find your feet on the ground.

And I would be like, no. I don't want to. And I would say that with her. So anyone who's listening who's working with a therapist, working with a coach, tell them when you're feeling resistant to what they're offering you. I really ask that of my clients. And I can tell when I'm like, well, what about this thought? And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, no, right? It's like, let's come up. Because literally your thoughts create your results. So if you're saying it's not working, it's not that the belief that your thoughts create your results isn't

working. It's that you're not finding the right thought to bring you back to presence. But the wrong thought is definitely shoulda kota what a in the past and what if thing in the future. It's like, what can I give myself right here right now? Yeah, I like that. If you ask me, it's the most wonderful time of the year. That's right. It's spooky season. Remember when you were a kid and planning your Halloween costume was like the highlight of your year?

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That's meundees.com slash vine. At Just Something says, started dating at 15. We're 34 now. Wow. I feel like he's changed a lot and is a better person, many bad years. There are lots of on and off, but mostly always on. Some say toxic, but we've both changed and work hard daily, and we love each other. My family disapproves.

stay in no kids just dogs wait stay in is the question yeah okay stay in no question it sounds to me like she's really secure in what they have and that she really knows it's right and I think that that sucks when your family doesn't approve yeah so here's what I would suggest I think totally let your family disapprove yeah let them they love you and they're protective and they are not on the inside of the relationship most importantly what I'm hearing her say is that they have both grown a lot and they've been kids together. So if there was like cheating or I don't know what went on like 15 is so young. 15 to 34, that's literally almost 20 years. So I can do, Matt. So if you are secure in your relationship, but my question would be

if you care so much what they think. The fact that you're asking should I leave because my family thinks it's wrong, you really have to get so clear on I know it's right to be with him. We've done a lot of work. We do love each other. We are both in it. We're now full-blown adults. And I'm secure with that. But when you're asking, should I go because of what my family thinks at 34, I think there's just deeper digging there to do to really get clear. Because if you're so clear, you wouldn't be asking that question. Yes. That makes sense. Callie Lindsay wants to know, what about watching your parents go through heartbreak and growing up in a home where arguing was the norm and drinking and fighting and it scares me to ever get married and have that all happen again to me.

I hope, Callie, that you are in therapy and really doing the work, or if you're interested in doing this work, call me. Because you do not have to be your past, but we're all going to be products to a certain extent of the environments that we grew up in. and change is totally possible. I'm curious, I thought that maybe you were going to finish that with saying, now I'm really argumentative or, you know, I either attract an alcoholic or I have a drinking problem myself. And so if that's the case, go to Al-Anon, go to A-A, whether you're the alcoholic or the partner is.

Or go to Al-Anon to heal the alcoholism in your family. I think that that's such a great resource. And especially adult children of alcoholics, I think that, You really realize that you're not alone in that and find that support. But is it, you know, you then have to ask yourself the question, is it more important for me to say stay safe and alone and avoid conflict and the fear of attracting another, you know, dysfunctional relationship because of what I was exposed to as a kid, or am I willing to do the healing and the growth work, which will be really fucking pain. painful like so painful to dredge up all that shit but on the other side of that to have like a life that I now have to have a life that you now have right like to really and I say that is still you know kind of single right like to to really just embrace your life and know what's possible and know Callie that the fear never goes away yeah so true and so that like to be in a position to say the fear never goes away but I'm showing up and I'm doing something differently and the help is out there and the work is out there. We have so much help that's available to us, like Al-Anon AA therapy, coaching, so many self-help books and resources. And so it is totally possible for you

to get there. But you have to be willing to dig up a lot of painful shit, move through it. And the desire to be in a healthy partnership has to be stronger than your desire to stay safe and alone because you believe that the only kind of relationship you can attract is a dysfunctional one. That's good. Because it's not true. Yeah. I thought so. myself. I was like, wow, yes, yes, yes, honey. Julie Cunningham says advice about getting over anxiety with running into a heartbreak X in public, even years later. Okay. Anxiety running into, can you just say that again? So she was really heartbroken from this guy. It's been four years. Oh, no, that was another one. It's been years later, but she still has anxiety about running into him.

Oh, anxiety about running into him again. I was like, are you feeling anxiety from the time you ran into him or anxiety about running into like fearing that again yes so i would go to the place in your brain of running into him again not fun but really like picture that yeah and do grounding practices like finding your feet on the ground putting your hand on your heart breathing through it label what's happening in the body that's the only real thing that's happening is your body is going into anxious panic based on the thought that he gives it to you. But he's not. It's your thinking about him. Yes. And then really breathing through that and finding your feet on the ground and being with the anxiety is the only way to go through it. And then I would love for you to do

thought work. Go to my podcast. Another shameless self-plug. How to stop wanting him back. As you should. But I talk a lot about thought work. And it's your thinking about him that's giving him the power to have that effect on your anxiety. And so, So what is, like, I would ask, why does he have that power? Do the work. Write it down. Don't be afraid to see what comes up. You've got to look at it.

Right? When I hear people saying, I have all these financial struggles and I don't and I'm like, well, how much money do you have and what are your outgoing? So I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. Get aware. What is it about him that he has this power on you that you are giving him? Yeah.

You are giving him that power to have that. Now, I say that to you with love, number one. And I totally get it. Yeah. Because I bumped into the guy that I saw. on Bumble that I talked about. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

My best friend saw on Bumble. I bumped into him like a year after our breakup. And I was like, oh, hi. Like, I get it. But I'm not afraid to run into him again. Just like, because I'm the ground. Like, who's the woman? This is a good one.

Who's the woman that you want to be bumping into him? Is she completely healed and grounded and self-owned and successful in her own right? Because success, I think, is all relative. But what is success to you? And you're just cool as a freaking cucumber and just like, oh, hey. Yeah. Right? like what's your last name again first name what right that like go and so after you move through

the anxiety of going to the place of bumping into him ask why he has that power then do the thought work that I talk about like it's Brooke Castillo's thought model that she created which I talked about on Thursday's episode um but it's all from your thinking so how do you want to think differently to get you to a place of not caring and being like John who oh yeah oh you again right that it's like really committing to that place but do the work Because he doesn't have that power over you. You're giving him the power to make you feel that way. Yes.

And also just beyond that, like that's specifically that, but I would also just, I'm assuming that she's probably not in a relationship with someone or has a, like, a solid, healthy relationship on herself that she's so consumed of the day of bumping into him again. Maybe I'm wrong, right? But like, that really start doing the work on how I want to just fall in love with myself. Because if you're so in love with yourself, you're just going to be like, Hey, your loss. Yeah, totally.

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That's thefarmer's dog.com slash fine for 50% off your trial with free shipping. Okay. And Kristen, this is the last question. Kristen Milford says, what if you have made the commitment to work things out and continue to be in a relationship with a person, but you are trying to heal from past heartbreaks involving infidelity and dishonesty within the same relationship? How do you cope when you've forgiven someone and made the decision to work it out, but it still hurts like hell and, you know?

But is the person that she's currently with? Has he also cheated on her? This is what I think she's saying she's with the person. They've committed to work things out and continue to be in a relationship with the person she's with. But they're trying to still heal within the relationship from past heartbreak that they've created and infidelity and stuff. But they've chosen to, you know, make it work.

Call me. Yeah. Like, seriously, that's such a hard question to answer in two sentences, right? But that, you know, if you are that committed, again, it's going to the place of being fully healed and trusting of your partner. And amazing that you guys are both wanting to work through it. But I think what we naturally want to do is have the other person give us the reassurance that we need.

And you need to really like commit to the story that you're fully in this and fully committed. And that takes time and that takes practice and a lot of daily mindset work. And I think what I would leave you with is, is it more? more important for me to go all in in this relationship with this person, or is it more important to me to still not trust and really start doing the work to trust again, which I don't think is an easy thing to do. I will totally say that. I don't know if I personally could do it, but my hat is off to you that you want to try. But if you really want to try, you've got to commit to, I believe the coaching approach of the daily mindset work and being the woman that

fully trusts and is stable and self-owned and grounded in the relationship is the work. yeah does that make sense yes yeah so much sense everything you said everything you say makes so much sense um we've run out of time thank you so much for doing this and being here and flying out here i had such a blast i'm so happy to have you and then next time i'm in l.a we could do another one because i don't think this conversation like everyone always wants to know more about you know the heartbreak and people always have questions so thank you so much for being here thank you Caitlin, it's so much fun. Yeah, me too.

And thanks Graper's for listening. Yeah. Vinoes. I was like, grapers is good too because we have, it's, they're the off the vine vinos, the grape therapy grapers and the drunk, drunk dialers. But I also listen, so I know it's minors, but grapers came out. It's sort of like rolling over my ankle. Whatever you want to be, it's always, it's up to you.

We hope everybody has a great weekend and go drunk dial some people. I'm like, said advice. I was going to say that shouldn't be like what I end this podcast with.