Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Emily Morse: Communication is lubrication

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

Kink shaming no more, Vinos. There truly should be no shame in the sex game and today Emily Morse from Sex With Emily is sitting down with Kaitlyn for a convo about all things sex and intimacy. They’re getting into role play (Emily even shares a recent experience of her own), gender roles in the bedroom, and where sex-related shame stems from. Kaitlyn opens up about her own insecurities and the two women explore how we can do better to normalize the conversation surrounding sex, even if we didn’t grow up being set for sex success. Emily is also answering listener questions about everything from what’s “normal” when it comes to sex to spicing things up after kids. Emily shares why communication is the key to a better sex life, whether that’s opening up about our biggest fantasies or even scheduling sex with our partner. Plus, Emily has tips to get out of our heads and into our bodies, including some of her favorite new toys to check out. Find everything Emily Morse at SexWithEmily.com and listen to her podcast wherever you find your podcasts. P&G - If you’re looking to nourish your hair, REALLY nourish it, it’s got to be Hair Food. Look for it at Amazon, Walmart, and Target.  CLARINS - Go to ClarinsUSA.com and use the promo code offthevine10 to get 10% off with purchase of total eye lift.  GEICO - Go to GEICO dot com, get a quote, and see how much YOU could save.  HELIX - Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/VINE MVMT - Join the MVMT and get 15% off today — with FREE SHIPPING and FREE RETURNS — by going to MVMT.com/VINESee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with eye gaming Ontario podcast one presents off the vine grape therapy kately bristow's going to answer your question drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything bachelor let's shake it up some more here's katelyn welcome to great therapy on your host katea Caitlin Bristow, my guest today was actually on the podcast almost exactly three years ago, which feels like a lifetime ago. She's back today by popular demand with the Vino's demand and my own,

even though I'm a very open, sex positive person. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to sex. And I think that became pretty clear on a recent pod with Jason, where we talked about role playing and I got called out for kink shaming. But kink shaming, no more. I'm here to educate myself and educate my listeners with Emily Morse. She is a sex therapist, expert and host of the very popular podcast Sex with Emily. She has been called the Dr. Ruth of our generation. And today we're getting into role play, sexual fantasies, sex myths and facts and fictions. And she answers a bunch of questions from my vinoes.

You guys really came through with some good cues that, I mean, I was kind of wondering some of them myself. So glad we were able to have this combo. And I think you guys will really enjoy it too. So here's Emily. Hi. How are you? Good. It's good to see you. So good to see. Did you know that it was almost three years ago to the day that we did a podcast? No. It's been that long. Isn't that wild? Three freaking years. Thank you. We're just starting maybe. But congratulations on all your success. Thank you. That is, that is like I was just starting. It was new to me, which is so wild. I love that I have you here again today because, okay, actually, to start off, why don't you just tell everyone a bit about yourself just because if they did, didn't listen three years ago. There's any new listeners, but I feel like everyone knows who you are. Well,

Caitlin, I love your listeners because even though it was three years ago, I hear from them all the time. But like, I heard you on Caitlin's podcast. I heard you have great listeners. Apparently, like both of our content. So that's great.

No to your listeners, but if you may, I'm Emily Morris. I have a doctor in human sexuality, and I work with sex with Emily. I have a host of a podcast, a radio show, a soon-to-be-out book.

So really my platform is all about getting people to prioritize their pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So there's no shame in your sex game. I love that. And that's why we're here today is because I am guilty of shaming people. And I feel so stupid. I feel so terrible because I'm 100% sex positive. And I realized that it was my own insecurities coming out. So wanted to address that. I think a lot of people held me accountable, which I love. And that's why I love this community. But I was podcasting with my boyfriend, Jason, and we got into a hypothetical situation

about role play and i think i was personally just confused on what role playing was and what it means because basically i said you and that people weren't confident if they were doing that in their relationship but i've definitely learned a lot since that happened and realized it makes people more confident in their relationship if anything so i wanted to hear you explain you're the expert so here you explain exactly what role playing is to you and what that looks like i'm sure it's different for so many people but everybody so it's okay let me just say this first off this is what i love about you i think what everyone loves about you is that you're so real and transparent and authentic with whatever you're going through and i mean that's so common so you saying ew is

this is why i will always why i'm so passionate about why i do because we often don't hear people talk about sex and whenever our partner brings up something about sex our first thought is i'm not good enough i'm not doing enough you want me to change it's because you want to sleep with my best friend like it's just it's it's because we don't have experience and we don't we don't have sex education in this country or most countries and we are also threatened so that's why I want it to be normal so normalize the conversation so it would make sense that you were like ew because you went to like oh like why do you not why am I not enough or why do you want me to be someone which I hear this every day so I get that your listeners are holding you accountable but like if

you don't beat yourself up because this is what I do so role playing when we're talking about Like the thing, the cool thing about role playing is that it's definitely for couples that are in, like, a secure, confident place. Anytime you want to try something new, make sure that you guys are talking about your sex life. You're on solid ground. It's like when people say, oh, we're going to have a threesome to spice up our relationship. That's the biggest mistake in the world because you do it because you want to share a new experience together. And role playing is the same exact thing. The thing about role playing is that it works real because it's like exploration of different roles.

and power structures and personalities. And so the fun thing about role playing is that you get to assume a different personality. You could come in as like your alter ego or a kinky, you know, I don't know if it's kiki. Like maybe it's like teacher, student or like some of the things like, I guess it can just go to your deepest desires in a relationship or even if you don't have deep desires about this. And sometimes it's kind of taboo. But you get to step outside the routine. So you've been with Jason for a while, right?

So it allows you to sort of get out of your head and play a character. So why that's fun is because, A, you don't have to be like in your normal body with your normal insecurities or concerns. You get to create a fun new, like, play with your partner. And then you get to show up however you want. So if it's like a, let's say teacher student, so maybe you're more submissive in the relay. Maybe you're like, oh, that'd be hot to be spanked. Like let's say you had a spanking fantasy. then you could just say like Jason could be your teacher and me like you were late for class again you know and then you get to wear this hot schoolgirl outfit and show off your legs that's just like one common example right but I feel like the reason why it can help so many couples is because then you can overcome your inhibitions like let's say you're like I've always wanted to be spanked but I would feel embarrassed to ask for but if I'm a school girl and I've messed up then it can kind of let us test out other scenarios that we might be too anxious or embarrassed to ask for it.

for otherwise. Right. See, my problem is I think, like everyone, we all have insecurities to work on, but I think I would like not be able to take myself serious in that. And I would feel like almost silly doing that. But I have thought about this so much now just from the conversation that I've realized that these are my own insecurities with one, me thinking, does that, like you said earlier, does that mean you don't want me? Are you fantasizing about someone else? Not really understanding what role playing really meant and two it was more like i don't feel like i would have the confidence to go in and be someone else or put on this costume i feel like i just start laughing which makes me feel really immature right well but katelyn you're hitting all the hot nerves that come up about

this everybody's like well it's weird i'm gonna laugh oh i'm really gonna pretend that my boyfriend's delivering me at pizza and i'm the woman i'm the wife at home like that's that's silly but that's the thing about role plays. Yeah, you laugh and it's funny and then you just keep going or you do it. But you're not supposed to be an expert when you're trying something new in the bedroom. But what happens is we do the same thing as over and over again. And then we want to try something new to spice it up. And so think of them as like a new skill set. So yes, you might laugh and it might be awkward. But then you just kind of move through it or you just try again or like you just kind of get into it because the other fun thing is is a sexy stranger. So a lot of my listeners have done this one.

And this is like the easy one to do, I think, because then you say, hey, I think it'd be fun if we show up one night or at a bar and we're different and we come as we meet as strangers because then you could pretend, hey, what's your name? You know, you buy me a drink. And then you just start kind of like getting into that. Like, what would I do if I was on a first date with him right now? And then who would you be, Caitlin? Like, is there a part of you that's, I don't know. Like, is there, it doesn't have to be a school or anything traditional, but like even if it's like your middle name. Like, oh, God, sometimes I wish I was a doctor.

You're like, maybe I'm the one that went to medical school. I'm the Caitlin and then went to medical school. Or I'm that Caitlin I was in college. Or I'm the, you know what I mean? Or I'm like my sister, who I love. So I'm going to act like my sister right now. I might not be hot. It's like acting, but it's also in the moment.

And I don't think anyone's expecting anyone to like what to, to memorize lines and stuff. It just doesn't really way to play. And I got to tell you to kind of illuminate this example, it was a part of the best advice I ever got. someone ever told me off the cuff when I told them what I did. I was at Bloomingdale's one night and I was going flying somewhere the next day for work and I was buying some foundation from this woman at at Bobby Brown. I'll never forget this and she was probably like 70.

And she's like, what do you do? And I said, I'm a sex educator. I have a podcast. And she said, I have the best sex advice for you ever. And I was like, okay, like, bring it. Yeah. I've been married for 30 years. And I have a closet full of wigs.

And she's like, so sometimes I did. just throw a wig on and I'm somebody else. Even if she's not doing different roles and she's not, I feel different. I am now blonde today. And I'm going to like take on this persona, even if it's for 30 seconds, then her partner sees her as herself,

but now she looks different. She makes something up. And so that's the takeaway I want people to get about role playing. It's not like you need to come on as a whole new persona. Some people love that. Some people just want to wear something fun and sexy or be goofy. And that's really what is. It's about variety.

Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. I'll never forget you saying it's like going to the gym. You just got to get your shoes on and then do it. Once you get into it, I'm sure that the laughing and the giggling and the other things go away because you're so in the moment. Right. Exactly. You are. And okay, I'll give an example.

This happened to me. So my lover and I have a few lovers right now, but one of them. Oh, I get it. I know. I got this massage table, right? Which I've been wanting to use. my friend gave it to me because I think it's really hot to get a massage like you someone's receiving only so like I laid out on the table and he's giving massage and then I'll do it for him the next night

great access to all the body parts and you can use a massage candle and it's really fun and so he knows that I have this thing about like hugging out with a masseuse and so he tried to bring it and he was like I was working really late one night and then I went outside he's like come outside when you're done he's like you have three things to do he's like you have to take off your clothes, you have to grab your wine, and you have to, like, go to the bathroom or something. I was like, okay, because I'm so ADD. I was like, I would clean the house and do all these things. Okay.

So I go outside. I do all those things, and I get outside, and he had this whole table set up. And he had, like, the music going. He's like, okay, well, you take off your robe now? And I'm like, okay, he's doing the role play thing. All right, I'm in. And so, I'm laying down. He starts massaging me.

And he's like, so, ma'am. And he got this weird. He did it in, like, a weird way. you did this, like, accent. Like, I'm like, you're already doing the masseuse, but he's like, ma'am, would you like to flip over? And I just started laughing, because I don't remember what he said. I was like, oh, okay.

I'm like, do you want a good tip? And then we just started doing these funny, like, yeah, I'll bet you want a happy ending. And it was just, even though he did all this effort, we were laughing so hard and made it really funny because there was all these funny jokes to make. But then, like, and then I went back down. He's massaged me.

And then we got back into it. And he's like, does that feel good? And then we just, and then we got back into the play. And then it got hot and then I was pretending that I was going to, like I kept going in and out of character and we laughed, but then it worked out. And now I remember that was like one of the hottest nights I've had during quarantine. See, now that I could get down with the masseuse and then, okay. See, right. Yeah.

Like that's the dual masseuse. Like give me a massage and pretend that you're giving you, you secretly touch my side boob and I don't push you away. Right. And it's nice because that gives me permission to also be able to laugh or like. in my head, I'm like, I have to be in this character, but no, you can go in and out and you can laugh and you can still have all the fun. Exactly. Just like you do anyway, because I've listened to you and Jason, you guys are so fun, you team, play, you know each other, but this will be the same thing that you're like, even if you were the school girl, I'll use an example, and you're

over his lap and you're like, yeah, really in third grade, you know, one time I did, I did lie that the dog ate my homework and then he starts laughing. And then, and then you're like, okay, but lay back down again. It's just, it's sex. This is the problem with sex is that we have this image of sex is that it's always amazing and magical and there's rainbows and there's there's there's the rainbows and there's the whatever the what are they the fairy tale and it's that's i'm telling you that is not how sex is like 99% of the time it's maintenance it's you're with someone you love them and you're going to have sex because you care about them are you in the mood probably not nope you got a million other things to do but you do it and usually you feel better for having done it

So you can bring in a toy or once a year, you're a masseuse. He's a masseuse. Or, you know, I kind of listed some other things that are kind of funny here, but that we could play with. It could be your favorite Halloween costume that you still have in your closet. Like, oh, yeah, this one year I was poison ivy. So will you be, what do I have here? Batman.

You know, I mean, like, and then it's for two seconds. It's fun, but you have a lot of layers on that night, so he's to slowly undress you. So you just make, you add variety because why we get so bored in a relationship is because we just are stuck in a routine. why do you think that is that we all have this image of it i i know we talked about this three years ago but does it go back to that unrealistic expectation from porn that they put out there like what is it that we why do we have that image in our heads of what it's supposed to be well it's such a

good question i mean okay so we can start with porn i think that porn and i don't not porn it's to watch with a partner but the problem with the porn is that for kids who grew up maybe with like or people grow up with like an iPad in their hand or digital, everything digitized generation. You literally, the first sex you ever saw was when you were like playing Candy Crush and all of a sudden like a porn showed up and you're like, what is that, mommy?

And then no one ever really tells you, they might say to you, oh, don't look at that. That's dirty or that's when you're an adult. But no one tells you that porn isn't real. So porn is scripted. These actors are cheating towards camera. 99% of the porn you watch is created for men, by men so from the male gaze and it's not an actual blueprint for how we're supposed to have sex it's

like i watch porn i'm like she's nowhere near he's nowhere near her clitoris her legs there there's no that's not high logistically this is not happening she's not happy he's waiting for lunch so i think that there's so much misinformation with porn that no one questions it that the second point is there's no education out there and we feel shame when we talk about at sex because we either, A, we feel like we're not pleasing our partner if they have to have a sex talk. Or we feel like we're not, yeah, we're not doing enough or we feel like we're bad and wrong if someone brings up sex or we don't know what to say when our partner says, like, what else do you want that feels good? Right. What do you want to try in the bedroom with your fantasy? A lot of us

don't have fantasies or we don't even think about it. So then we feel inadequate. So I think it's, it's all this ways that sex is still shrouded in mystery. So I think in the third, point is that if you grew up in a home where it was repressed, where having the sex conversation wasn't like mine, where it wasn't okay and it wasn't free and there was no information, you don't all of a sudden become an adult in a relationship and feel really comfortable talking about sex. So you don't have practice. Yeah. I think a lot of times people grow up thinking like it, like you said, you think it's wrong or you're bad or you're in trouble for doing it and you grow up thinking that when no one or not a lot of people have actually just

felt comfortable talking about it with their family or their mom or their dad or whatever to talk about it in a way that it is okay that you're allowed to feel good during it because that is a that is a really tough conversation to have with family members sometimes but on like the other hand growing up who else would you talk to about that that you feel comfortable with but i just remember i'll never forget um my first boyfriend ever we were young like 14 or something and he had wrote me an email saying that it was time that we had sex and I didn't want to and I wasn't ready and my mom saw the email though about him saying he wanted to have sex with me and I don't think she realized that I wasn't

ready and I wasn't going to do it no matter what like I just wasn't ready but she just was mortified that this guy at this age was wanting to have sex with me and it was I mean she'll probably feel so guilty if she listens to this but it was more like a that is wrong like you don't do that yet and as I got older she actually did get more comfortable talking to me about it and how it's not wrong because I think she saw as I grew older, I would come to her with everything. So she would see that I came to her and felt like sex was wrong. And I think that's why I turned into a more sex positive person is because it did become more comfortable for me to talk about.

This is Austin Vine Grape Therapy. One of my questions was how people can grow more comfortable with their sexuality and being open to it and when it comes to sex is that something that may be listening to a podcast or i mean listen to my i've got thousands of podcasts i've been doing this for my 16th year now of doing podcasts i know that's crazy uh lots of episodes of great website sex with only dot com i've tons of posts about masturbation and and self-love but also so that's one thing as i always say it's education is the first step so just educate yourself yeah you know besides porn where else can you get sex positive information and see that you're not alone. Be that friend who talks to your friends about

sex. You know, bring it up with your sister, your brother, or even your mom. I mean, I think that we, again, it's something that we don't do because we've never done it. But I think if you go to your whoever's in your family and say, like, I realize we never talked about sex. Right. You know that it becomes more comfortable over time. So that's part of it. And then the other thing is it would be like education, exploration with people you know and with your body, too, start to start to explore your body like how is your what's your views on masturbation i mean so many people feel shame around that too or they think if i'm in a relationship i shouldn't have to masturbate but masturbation is part of being healthy sexually overall so i learned more about my body and how to be a

great lover by spending time alone with myself figure yeah because then i knew what felt good i was like my body's fucking awesome because i can do all these things yeah then i can show that to a partner Yeah, exactly. And yeah, so I think it just comes from practice and exploring and education. Yeah, I think you're right. I had that written down just, you know, even for people who aren't in relationships, there's still all of the ways to feel more comfortable sexually with yourself, which would probably, that's where it all, I feel like that's where it all starts.

It does. And we're still externally focused, like, how does my body look? And am I doing the right moves for my partner? So like in heterosexual relationships, I don't know about you, but I was raised, I was raised to believe in society that, like, sex was more about performance. Like, how am I, am I giving a good blow job? Am I, do I look sexy when I'm on top? Which gets you out of the mood because you're just in your head.

Yeah, exactly. And most of your partners want to see you truly turned on and truly in your body. And so if you can do it when you're alone and you're looking in the mirror, masturbating, or you're like, God, my body is like amazing. Look at what it can do. it takes some practice but the more you just get to know yourself you'll just feel more comfortable because if we walk around all day we might even walk around if not feeling great in our bodies right so maybe we're like oh i gained weight or i'm not sexy or i'm stressed why do we think that we

should just all of a sudden then get naked with a partner and feel great like you know what you mean if we're all day long we have negative talk to ourselves it's just it doesn't it doesn't serve us it's so hard because i feel like there's i don't ever like putting like labels on it's men this way and women are this way because it's not always like that. But I think, and tell me if I'm wrong, men are able to just feel ready to do it where women need to be a little more like buttered up or be in the mood or feel comfortable and not tired. Like it's more emotional.

And for men, it's like kind of like that's just a routine for them to, you know, they need to release. Yeah. You're one, you're right. And I don't love to like gender stereotype either. But one area that I will is that for like a cisgender male, So born as a male, someone with a penis, and then you got a cisgender female, would I always say that men are frying pans and women are slow cookers? And what that means is he's a, he's ready to go.

He sees you. He's Caitlin's like, you look so hot. Come on. I'm ready to go. And you're like, I didn't even see you walk in the room. I'm finishing flex email. I'm not in the mood because we want to be warmed up. We need to be maybe we need a massage for 10 minutes or we need you to tell.

is that we're hot or ask about my day or we need the buildup and the anticipation. And that is the most normal thing in the world for women. And it also takes, it's our job, though, to realize that we need to understand, well, what do I need to get there to be in the mood? Because men have something, so the frying pan thing is a spontaneous desire. So this is what we call it in the sex world, is that so men typically have a spontaneous desire, meaning he spontaneously sees you get out of the shower and he's turned out. It's like that. Women are responsive. We have responsive desire typically. We respond to stimulate. We need to like we respond to you coming in and like touching my hair slowly or kissing my neck or taking out the trash or like whatever you're cleaning

up the house. Being on time, you know, like whatever your love language is, you might need that for 15 minutes or an hour or a day to feel safe and to feel like you're ready. You might need to the pressure off you. So like when my partner's like, he knows like I'm so like on Friday at five, I'm like fucking spent. It's been big. Life is so busy right now.

And he's like, if I give her a killer massage right now and he just threw in the bassoose, that was just kind of a fun thing. Yeah. I will 100% like if I don't have to do anything and I can lie there for a half hour and just get into my body. And because the thing is when we're stressed and we're thinking about the day, it's really hard to switch gear.

So we're just thinking about like what. you need, what do we all need to be? And I know I need to shower. I need to like time alone after work. I need the break. I need to just get in my body, have a glass of wine, do whatever. And then I'm ready. But otherwise, usually I'm not. So it's just. I'm the same way with the shower thing. I can't like, he's like, let's just go. And I'm like, I want to feel clean. I want to smell a bit. Like I feel better after a shower. I don't know what's going on down there. Exactly. Yeah. Right. So that's it. That's why I always have wipes by the bed too or something, but I guess the same way. It's like I just and then just then they start to know that too because then we didn't even in a

dialogue because then he knew. He's like, I know it's Friday because we've tried in the past where he'd come over at the end of my workday and he's like, let's go. And I was like, I just got off nine hours of Zoom. I'm not going to go and that didn't work. And then I got like annoyed and I was like, I can't just go to party mode. So he knows. He's like, he heard it without me even having to say it. But for many of us, especially if you live with a partner, are you been with them a while? Now you might know. So I ask everyone to take a beat. So when are you the most turned on? When is like the surefire thing that you are ready to go and then work backwards from there? Okay. Well, I want to have sex with them on Saturday night. So I know

that I need to have shaved, worked out. I need to have every, the house has to be clean. I need to make sure like if you have kids, the kids have a babysitter. Just what are all the things that have to line up? And then communicate that to your partner. Like talk about it. Yeah. I think that's I think it's important for, you know, that things do have to line up for certain people for that to be able to happen. Because you, obviously, your partner wants you to enjoy it. And sometimes you need to have those things in order, in order for you to enjoy it. That must be hard for you to talk about that all day and then feel the desire and energy to do it yourself. Sometimes, yeah, sometimes it's like, oh, God, yeah, but mostly I'm both out by the talking about sex than I am, but it doesn't,

I actually still get inspired. Like, even talking to you about this, I was like, oh, I need to give him a massage back because now he wants you like I'm just like you to him now because he did so much so no I'm always like I love what I do and it's such a big part of people's life that I actually don't I'm more just get burned out with the business of sex and I do talking about it yeah I love it I love how fair enough have a moment where they're like huh okay and thought about it that way it's I always love talking to you and listening to you speak on it because you do seem so passionate and you're so knowledgeable about it and before I get into some questions from listeners. I wanted everyone to just know your website, when your book is coming

out, your podcast, all of those things so that they can be more familiar with you. Everything is at sex withemly.com. I release two podcasts a week. You can subscribe on all podcast platforms. I have a show on Sirius XM Radio five nights a week that will be starting up again in a few months. I'm on hiatus right now. The book is hot sex and my social media everywhere are sex with Emily. And you can always send your questions to feedback at sex with Emily.com. You're listening to Off the Vine Race Therapy. So questions from listeners, they were very excited. You were coming on the pod.

So Kelly asked tips for ladies that are really tight down there. She said, I never want to have sex because it hurts. I get zero pleasure out of it, and I'd rather do other things. And I actually did have several people tell me and have questions about painful and uncomfortable sex. I'm glad you brought this up, Caitlin. This is the, this is so common that women. women experience pain. It is probably one of the most common questions I get asked. And so many women

silently suffer through painful sex. And they say like 80% of women at some point are going to have pain and some women have it all the time. So what I would recommend for her is like she doesn't have to live with painful sex. I would recommend that she go see a pelvic floor physical therapist because what they do is a lot of women naturally walk around clenching their pelvic floor muscles. So, like, you know, your kegill muscles, they're like those pea-stopping muscles where you stop and no one ever remembers to do their kegles, but you're supposed to strengthen them.

Some women clench all the time, and it could be from, like, a trauma that happened or something in childhood or anxiety, and you're constantly walking around like this, that when anything goes inside of you, a tampon, a finger, a penis, you have pain. And unfortunately, a lot of our medical professionals, like even gynecologists, are not well-versed in it.

And I have a lot of friends who've been going through this lately, and thousands of listeners, literally who have asked this question, and we don't have enough information on this for women. So I say a great place to start as a pelvic floor, physical therapist, and you can find him probably through your health plan, and they're just, they're game changers because you go in and they, like, put their fingers inside you, and they can kind of watch how you walk and see how you stand, and they go inside of you, they, like, with a glove, and they can not and feel if you're tight, and then if that is the case with her, they send you home with dilators that kind of look like phallet like dildos are just these penis they don't look like

you know they're shaped you and then eventually they're small and then you have it for 15 minutes and then you might the other one you go to a larger size and it starts to just kind of unwind the nerves that are tense and then she can start to release it that's just one thing that could help and then if that doesn't work she can guide or elsewhere okay that's really good advice okay this was also a common one and I'm sure you get this all the time but Nicolette asked what is a normal amount that couples should be having sex? And are you against the word normal in that context? I even use normal with you today.

The only thing normal about sex is that we all have questions about sex, that we all want to know what's normal. That's the most common question I get is if it's normal. So I'm not going to answer what she asked for how many times a week. Yeah. It's like there is no prescriptive. It's more like what works for you and your partner. So to follow that is that the majority of questions I get are like one partner wants

more than the other. And I would say that in every relationship, the majority of relationships, there's one person who has a high libido, higher sex drive, and one who has a lower sex drive, and typically people don't match up when they are the same. Because I don't know why. This is just how it is. And so the good news about that is that she gets to decide with her boyfriend, okay, let's say he wants sex every day, let's say he's like, babe, I want it every day, twice a day. And she wants it twice a week. Well, then they have some problem solving to do. Then they get to disqualming. side, okay, well, maybe we should do it three times, three and a half times. And then we should figure out which days of the week to do it? Like, should we do it on Saturdays? Because that's when

we're both really stressed. And then you start to think about, well, when am I in the mood? And all the the things I've been talking about because I won't say like once a week is great, twice a week. I think one month isn't enough. Right. I'll tell you that. I think once a week seems pretty on average. After we couples have been together a while. What I think works is, you know, maybe more than that but we know life gets busy things get in the way you've kids you've life you've work you stress you have a pandemic where you can't stand together so it's like there's a lot of factors so I will not put a label on but I would say decide in your relationship what works for both of you yeah I agree with that Rachel asked advice on how to overcome low libido from birth control

or just in general I guess yeah well low libido is really common and also from pills the antidepressants are huge killers of our sex drive and birth control pill. So I recommend a book called Beyond the Pill by Jolene Brighton. She has a whole amazing network, follow her Instagram, go to my podcast, sex with Emily and search Jolene. She's been on my show a few times and she talks about, and also Elisa VT is another great resource. It's V-I-T-I. These women have created incredible platforms that are all about women taking control of their cycles

and understanding what turns them on, what does it. what foods to eat, when to exercise, when not to, you know, our women have these cycles, right? Our hormonal cycles, which are gifts to us. And if we start to understand them, then we'll know exactly like there's times a month we're more in the mood, times of day, times of week, and it changed months and month. And it's just fascinating. And I've also done podcasts with both of them. If you want to get a precursor to their, or you want to just get a big overview of their information.

Okay, that's incredible. Lots of resources there. That's amazing. Okay, Nicole says I could use some tips to spice things up in a marriage after two kids. One of us is always tired. Having kids is not always the best thing for your sex life. Couples are going to have to take a beat and figure out who are we now as parents. And then two kids, you are tired.

So I would say definitely make sure you have a date night and it is non-negotiable. You have that babysitter. They come every Saturday. And the two of you go out and there's no talk about kids. There's no phones. and you just get to reconnect again as a couple. That's really important. Also, scheduling sex is important.

Like I said, people think it's so not hot, but especially when you're married, if you know that Saturday night's your night, then you get to, like, look forward to it and you get to, like, do all the things you need to do to be in the mood for sex. Trying new things. I mean, like we're talking about variety.

It's just what buying a new toy. Hopefully you're using lube, dressing up, doing my, a yes, no, maybe list. I have this on my website. I have this list. It's called the yes, no, maybe list. And people are just loving this list. It has about a hundred different sex acts on it. And you look at it and it's like, is spanking a yes and no or maybe? 30 talk. Yes, no maybe. And it's like things like cuddling, taking a bath together. Yes, no maybe. And then you see like, where are yeses? Where are maybes? And then you get to kind of look and go, when should

we try that? And then I have another thing called the pleasure planner. These are all like free resources on my site and the pleasure planner couples can download it look at their life like last year what was the most pleasure this year what can we do that gives us pleasure and then you start to plan out your year and say like oh let's let's uh write erotica together let's give each other you know let's take a bath let's talk to it let's just like live our first date and you just start to plug in the things that make you both hot and turned on so that's cool too because it forces you to just think about those things and talk about them which in the end probably results in more sex anyways.

Exactly. I'm like everyone's exactly. That's it. Like, it's like, I always tell me, like, blame me. You were listening to this show. It's whatever, like, we're going to do this fun game together. Whatever takes you outside of the awkwardness, because it will be awkward to help you facilitate a healthier conversation is what I'm all about. Absolutely. Jordan asks, how do you get over intruding thoughts that make you not reach completion?

Yeah, that's really, really common. Is Jordan a man or woman? We don't know. I'm not sure. No, I think she's a woman, but she said she also wants to know for my gay ladies besides strap-ons, what are some fun toys or otherwise spice things up. Okay. So I would say that anxiety, because completion is like having an orgasm for, like, we are, we get in

our own ways. When we can't have an orgasm, it's typically because maybe we're not, if we roll out medication because we're in our head, we're anxious, we're wondering, is it going to happen? And then we like, we like, oh, block ourselves. And so the most important thing to do is start to. to, well, I would say it's helpful to have a healthy masturbation practice and start to figure out like when do you get in the mood? What kind of moves do you need? What feels good to you? And then explain that to a partner. Like we don't have to solve our sex problems alone. We can say like,

hey, I realize lately, baby, I'm not having, I'm having a harder time finishing. It might be helpful if you go down on me more. If we use this toy together, if we take a vacation and get out of town for a little bit. I'm just really stressed out. I've got to calm my nerves. So I think the answer specifically, though, calming our mind during sex takes, it's mindful practices. It's doing meditation and knowing how to go back to your breath. When I have worrying thoughts during sex or any time, I try to go to my breath and the moment. And I try to look at, I try to engage my five senses. So let's say she's having sex and she's in her head. I just try to go, what am I feeling at this moment? Like, oh, I'm feeling my partner's body against mine. What am I smelling? Okay, I'm smelling

that vanilla candle, like, what am I tasting? Like, I'm tasting for the partner's lips. And then when you engage all of your senses, what am I hearing? You are immediately dropped into the present moment. Yeah. That's a good, that's good advice. I feel like I do that in every other aspect in my life when I'm trying to be in the moment. I use those five senses. So why not use them during sex? Yes. Do you really? Like when you're on performing or yeah, it works. Yeah. If I'm trying to fall asleep, like so many things I use it for. Anxiety. Yeah. No, I know. Same. It's, it's, we, a lot of us have anxiety, right?

Yeah, I think we all do at this point. And she also wants to know for the gay ladies besides strap-ons, what are some fun toys or other ways to spice things up. My God, I love toys. Okay, so honestly, spice things up. I would say get some really cool finger vibes. This company named Jeju makes a vibrator that connects to your finger. And then your finger kind of becomes a vibrator. So everything, buy it. Give your partner. I'm really into massage these days if you can't tell. Awesome massage oil. just like blindfold your partner and just take your hands with like a vibrating

massager on it and just practice with different sensations on their body, tell them that you're in charge and you're going to make them feel good in this moment and like let them sort of experiment with different if they're blindfolded then everything else becomes more heightened like whatever you touch them with you get a warming lube you could get some ice cubes and drag it over her back and then toys gosh I love my vibrator necklace the Vesper I have it right here it's a vibrating necklace it vibrates it's a rechargeable, waterproof. It's actually not charge right now. Wow. So cool. I should get you one of these, Caitlin. It's called a Vesper, and it works. Like, I use it on my partners, on myself. It just is like

a really powerful vibrator. And I'm usually wearing it every day. That's amazing. So then you always have it on you and you can tease them. Oh, another great thing is a Wii vibe makes this thing called the Moxie and it's a panty vibe, meaning you put in your underwear and it sticks with a magnet. And there's an app that you can use to control it. Oh, no way. And your partner can control it. You go out for a date night and they're controlling the vibrator. You could do this adjacent.

It's really fun. That is fun. Yeah. Would that be fine? I get it the other night. I could get down with that. Yeah. I just did it.

I'm trying to think if I still have the vibrator on me to show you, but I don't. Yeah. I'll send you stuff. Is it small? It's like this big. It's called the moxie. It's like the size of my palm.

Yeah. And it looks like a panty liner. But it's a vibrator. And it's powerful. And it's so cool. And you just wear it. and then we'll be out to dinner and he's just like, and he just starts, and no one knows that it's happening.

How can no one know? I'd be like, whoa! I mean, I tell people because it's funny, but if you're at a restaurant or with your parents, I don't know, whatever you got into, but that's the thing about Tim, we was going back to her earlier, it's like, we just sometimes we have these kinks of things that turn us on.

Maybe it's getting caught, and maybe it's doing something that's sort of, you know, not accepted, socially accepted, or kind of dirty that no, it's our secret together, and that turns you on. And so exploring those things safely is just a fun way to keep it interesting and hot. Basically is a good keyword there safely, yes. And then last question, Christina wants to know how to get turned on again after a dry spell.

A lot of the vinos are feeling the stress from this year and can obviously that can affect the sex lies. But I think that's kind of, it's like tying everything that you've already said together. It is. It really is. How do we, a dry spell. I mean, it's really just from sex beget sex. I'm going to round it up with masturbate. because honestly, the more that we give pleasure to ourselves, if you're in a dry spell,

buy a vibrator, start to be in your body, start to look at yourself and get connected with your body again because it's not so much about the other person, giving that to you, I don't know if dry spell means she's single and ready to date again or even in a relationship, but mix it up. Start to, like, there's times where I'm going without sex or seeing my partner, and it's like, the more I give myself pleasure, the more my, it's again, like working out, the more your comes routine because when we take we like a dry spell go back to the gym example i would say that the it's like going to the gym that once you go like a week for a week it's much easier like

the next week but when you when you're not going for a while it's just really like you're like oh god i got to start over again so just you're pilot light lit you know so true that's so true okay and then one quick game before i let you go it's just a sex factor fiction First one, all women can reach orgasm through penetrative sex? Yes, thank you. Oh, no, it's good. False. Only 20% of women do.

Really? Oh, interesting. Okay. There is a big age gap between women and men's sexual peaks. False. Oysters and chocolates are aphrodisiacs. I mean, efferadigics are open for interpretation. If eating an oyster or chocolate makes you feel sexy, then that great.

But is there any, like, science behind it? There isn't really any science behind it, except for that there are some properties that can stimulate some hormone, but it's like you need to eat like pounds of it. And I don't think that buying oysters is going to solve your problems, but they're kind of sexy. I feel that. Okay. Factor fiction, men think about sex every seven seconds. I think that's a, I think there's some fact to men think about sex more frequently than women.

Yeah, maybe not every seven seconds, it's, but probably a lot more than what. Women. Okay, menopause is not a sex killer. True. It is not. Nope. Just starting for some women. Lubrication is generally intended for older people. No. Lubrication, I want to loob on every nightstand. Use Lou for every sex act all the time. Why is that? Because I'll tell you why. Because this is another one of those misunderstandings that we have is that loop has gotten a bad rap. People think, oh, it means that something's wrong with me because I'm dry so I need loop and then your partner thinks well my penis wasn't big enough so then she needs loop like we all think right but what we don't understand about wetness is that women's bodies change at different times a month so different times a month more wet than others different times of

year like as we every year it can change and our hormones and medications and the foods we eat so adding a few drops of loop to any sex act make sure that we are well lubricated which means we're not going to have tearing and drying and pain but I should also the woman who has pain earlier that she should use loop. But it also indicates that, like, there were studies that came out that said when you add loop to any sex act, women are 80% more likely to orgasm. So masturbation, every time just use it, use it, use it, use it. You will, yeah, get over your stigma, put it on the nightstand.

It's going to change your life. Okay. I like that. Fact or fiction, sex is one of the biggest indicators of a happy and satisfied relationship. I'd say it's one of the top indicators that if you're having great sex you're going to be in a good relationship but not the only one right but it's up there okay and then last one factor fiction sex can be pleasurable even without an orgasm yes true you said earlier you're like however many times a week like three three and a half and I'm like what's a half it's a massage it's a um

maybe it's mutual masturbation where you both get off but you don't have penetration or maybe it's one person you know maybe it just uh i don't know oral oh there you go you know i was trying to be fair but it makes you about negotiation i like that three and a half i was like that that's that's so great you are so informative and you have so much to to share and i just love talking to you so thank you so much for coming on the podcast i know that all the listeners are going to really look forward to this one and uh it was one of my highest rating podcast three years ago when you came on. Caitlin, I'm so happy to be back then because, first of all, I adore you.

I think you're doing so great work. I follow you. And I think that I told you, your listeners really, like, responded. So we should, you know, we'll do it again anytime. Yes, absolutely. Let's make it not three years between the next one. Exactly, Caitlin. And hit me up if you want to, honestly, if you won't be sending some things, I will.

Yes, I do. I want that necklace. I want the panty liner, whatever that thing is called again. Do everything, the Moxie by Wee vibe. Yes. Okay. I will hold you to that. Thank you so much. And was there anything else you wanted to share before we go? No, communication is liberation. Yes, that's the best way to end this podcast. Thank you so much,

and I will talk to you soon. Thank you, Caitlin. Okay, bye. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday, exclusively on podcast.1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV?