Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Erin Treloar II

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

Kaitlyn gets deep with Founder and CEO of RAW beauty talk, and good friend Erin Treloar about managing anxiety and depression, the struggle to substitute positive thoughts for negative ones, and realizing you can't be happy 100% of the time. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. Get ready for lots of laughs tabby topics on filtered advice and wine lots of wine get ready to shake things up here's Caitlin Welcome to off the vine. I'm your host Caitlin Bristow and usually at this point I say I have wine in my hand but you know what? Not today. Today is coffee and I'm going to need a lot of it because we had a big Whistler weekend and I'm tired but I can't say that to moms. yes you can I'm tired to though I can't say that to

I always feel so guilty but I'm like I can just hear it in my voice in this microphone in these headphones and you're probably going to notice when I don't make much sense today that's okay we'll fill in each other's blanks

yeah there you go okay so I have to tell you that when we did our last podcast talking about raw beauty and social media and the highlight reel and all those things that we talked about that was like one of the most downloaded podcasts

out of all my podcasts like you and Chris Harrison no way wow yeah I'm honored to be sharing that spot with Chris Harrison yeah you should be and that just shows like so many people relate to these topics this episode is brought to you by Showtime and the acclaimed series The Affair this summer the journey continues in this intimate relationship drama a fresh start should mean a new beginning but it isn't that easy when the past forces everyone to crash back together. Starring Dominic West,

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Aaron Chollor is in the house today in our girlfriend's apartment, and we're here to talk about, I mean, overall happiness? Happiness. Pressure. social media stuff that's preventing us from being happy yeah so um i told aaron i'm like can you just do like the interviewing today she's like yeah i've got two kids i was up all night i had a big whizzler

weekend too katelyn shut up i did not say that i said of course i can ask the questions and of course we will we'll dive right into this stuff but that means that katelyn's going to have to be a little bit more raw and real oh i'm aren't already i'm down for that challenge um So just a reminder for everybody. Aaron Chilor is, well, my girlfriend, and also my health and wellness coach. And also the founder of Raw Beauty, which I always talk about to everybody. Thank you for sharing that. And also for all of the amazing work that you do on yourself.

It's inspiring to so many other people. It does take a lot of work. It takes a lot of work. It takes so much work and it's not always easy work. And that's something that we talk about all the time. on the raw beauty detox platform is that I mean there's this huge movement out right now about self-care and self-love and such a big piece of the conversation that's happening right now especially with women and there's this idea that all of those things are kind of easy and

enjoyable like it should be having bubble baths and having wine with the girlfriend and hitting the seawall for a walk and yoga and that's self-care and in my mind self-care is actually not necessarily that at all. Those things are for sure included in the bubble. But the real self-care, the real self-love is usually kind of nitty-gritty and hard and messy and dig and deep. Exactly. All those things.

That's a good point. That's a good point because, yeah, when, you know, you just see, nobody really warns you. I feel like when you're little about the hard work, it's going to take on yourself or relationships for that matter. Like I don't feel like, like, you know, as a child, you're like, everything. happy and you're going to be okay and someone's always going to look after you and then nobody really tells you hey by the way the older you get the harder it is totally no nobody nobody tells you that and we don't do any training for it it's not like we go to school and we learn how to have

conversations with different people who have different um communication styles we don't learn how to uh bounce back from an argument with our significant other or a girlfriend we don't learn And I mean, so many things that we're just kind of expected to figure out. And when we're figuring that stuff out, it can feel crappy. It can feel really, really hard. And, you know, some of the things that we experience as we're going through these things are anxiety and depression and jealousy and the comparison game and all of these other things that are really taking a toll on so many people these days.

Yeah. Of all ages, too. And there's no guidebook for it. There's no surefire. way to get through any of these things. But there is a whole industry, the whole self-help industry, that has a number of different solutions for people and that is offering solutions all the time. Some of which are amazing and some of which are, I feel like sometimes a little bit misleading. But at the end of the day, I think people really have to, if they're going to dive into

that world, take what works for them. And remember that we're all unique individuals. So it's about figure out what works for you um what about that app i saw there's like an app you can like text a therapist okay cool i know but i've heard mixed i was like wait what you can text a therapist but i think it there's something on it where it's like giving people generic like there's some like a girlfriend was like oh i got the same text back oh no yeah so i should know what yeah i should know what yeah i should know what app that is because i think it's like don't do it well there's there's so many there's there's really great things about that concept and there's a new app coming out called sphere is here that's going to be a place for individuals who are looking for help to connect to a guide

in some capacity whether that's for business or health or whatever it is and things like that are really cool because a lot of people don't know where to turn when they're feeling these things when they're in a moment of struggle so if there's apps or technology is able to help us connect with people who can help us through those challenging moments then I think that's amazing If you're getting a generic text message response to something that's, you know, a human emotion. So it's a lot more complicated than that. I don't know how I feel about that. So what, so do you have any like tips or tricks or things that people can do when they are suffering in that moment? Because like last night I had, I had anxiety and I, I can never like pinpoint.

Like, oh, it's this. It's just like I wake up and I'm like, oh gosh, I feel like panic. coming on an anxiety and I start to like feel sick to my stomach almost and then I just you know how you just get yourself more like talk your it's like you talk yourself into a panic instead of out of a panic attack I know and there's so many things that cause anxiety and definitely know if you're somebody who's struggling with that you're not alone and somebody who struggled with anxiety on and off throughout my life as well and while I've had I'd say like the last nine years it very under control by doing all the self-care things and really knowing myself, it has come back since having baby number two and trying to combine the work and the kids

and everything. So there's a number of different things that can kind of bring anxiety of the forefront. So first of all, it can be a life event that happened. Say you were to lose a loved one. Or you're in a really stressful period with work or with school. It could be something that's causing you to lose a lack of or to lose sleep. So if we have a prolonged period of time where we're not sleeping properly, it really affects our brain and the chemical reactions that are going on. We're not actually able to process things properly. Yeah. So if you've been like say in Whistler and sleeping less and drinking more and maybe not eating the foods that you normally eat or in a proper pattern, then it literally changes the chemical reaction that's happening in our brain and the hormones

that are in our body. So we're not able to think about situations right. rationally. We process everything from a very emotional standpoint. Yes. So even if you're trying to talk yourself out of something that you know you shouldn't be feeling so much anxiety about it, your body's already in the fight or flight response. It's already firing on all cylinders. And that's creating another response in your body that's just perpetuating the whole thing. It is one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world. Yes. And it makes it, I mean, makes it really challenging to find joy. the day to day when it comes on and when it's yeah and then you like fear like like sometimes I'm

like I get worried through my day that I'm going to go to sleep and have anxiety like I'll think about it during my day and it's this is all new to me because I've never suffered from anxiety um so even like through my 20s like I was just I just had zero cares in the world and what brought it on for you um I think it was just like just I went from a very regular life to obviously a different one and it happened very quickly and I don't feel like going through a show like that I don't I don't think they understand even the people who are putting on the show how much it affects people emotionally and I don't think they find the right support for you after and I think it just was like a whirlwind my my world got turned upside down but also like so

many good things came from it but it's just also new to me and I like don't know how to navigate my new feelings of like pressure and And being on this platform where there's so many people like looking at every move. And I feel like you've talked a lot about how traumatic it was in some ways parts of that show and the conversation that was happening and the online bullying. And sometimes that can trigger a fight or flight response in your body. And if it's running for too long, if that stress response is turned on for too long, your body can no longer really turn it off. And so in order to start to turn it off, we have to go right back to the basics and really commit ourselves to getting our body back to a place where everything's firing properly.

And for some people, sometimes that does involve taking medication. It can involve therapy. It can involve. So for me, for example, what I find is helpful is I have to cut out coffee, cut out alcohol, go back to eating really whole foods, yoga is something. I find really grounding. It might not be for everyone, though. Some people, it's a run or walking in nature, whatever it is. And sleep. Sleep is the number one at the top of that list. If I'm really good at that. I got that one dialed in. Yeah. Because our brain needs time to relax. Yeah. And shut off.

To shut off. Yeah. And to reprocess. And even when you were describing before this that you had a lot of anxiety last night and you were like, I feel like I was almost going to have a panic attack. And then I slept so deeply. Yes. Because your body has just like, it's like it's run a marathon. Yeah. Yes. And, but yet, you were just lying there. Yeah. No, that's so true. And I don't think people, like, people who do, um, suffer from anxiety, obviously will understand that, but people who don't. Like, there's, and there's not much that other people can do to help I find, like. Other than listen. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand. Yeah. Um, but, I mean, one of the things I say is that having anxiety or having depression, it's almost like

there's this idea out there that it's a bit of a choice that we can just think positively and everything will change or just do your breathing and everything will change. In those moments when you're in a state of depression or when you have anxiety going through you, I'd almost preferred if people could think about it as having caught a cold. So yes, you were probably doing things that ultimately led to catching that cold. maybe not sleeping as much, studying too hard, whatever it is. But at the end of the day, you're now in a place where you've got a cold. So what do you need to do, though?

If you continue doing all the same things that you were doing before, probably nothing's going to change or get better. We've got to go back to the basics and turn inward and look at what are the different things I'm doing day to day and not only what are the actionable things that I'm doing, but what are the beliefs that I hold, what are the thoughts that are passing through my mind. And how can I work on changing those so that I move myself out of this place again? Same as if you have a cold or the flu, you might take a couple days off work. You're going to rest and you're going to eat whatever foods it is and take your vitamins again and you're going to

take care of yourself until you're feeling better. Right. Right. So we have to start practicing that. That's, okay. So when you say like self-care can be messy and uncomfortable, like what does that look like? What do you mean it's what is happening in those moments of like being uncomfortable and messy? Like, what can we do? So when I say that it can be uncomfortable and it can be messy, it's because in life as human beings, if we even look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, after our initial baseline needs of safety and security and food and shelter are met, the next thing that we're looking for in life is a sense of love and belonging. And so we've created, since we were very, very little, these beliefs and these habits based on

keeping ourselves in a place where we're loved, where we feel like we belong with our friends. And sometimes we'll create habits or beliefs or we have values, which are causing us to make movements or to do things that aren't necessarily actually serving us any longer. So as we start to really dive into those things and challenge them, because they're no longer, say somebody, for example, is drinking a lot and, but they're, you know, passing out every night, but that's sort of what they do with their friends and that's their social connection and whatever it is. Then when we start to kind of wind things back and dive into that, the risk of stopping the drinking or stopping whatever behavior it is that's bad

is that they might lose their friends. They might no longer have that social network. And so we have to start to make really hard choices. We have to look inwards. And it can just feel very uncomfortable because every part of us wants to stay in that place where we are currently. Yeah. So it just, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable. Even with one of the most basic things that I get all my clients to do, which is learning how to sit through feelings of anxiety versus getting really busy and trying to distract and-stract yourself from them. Yeah, or watching 50 hours of Netflix because you don't want to feel what you're feeling

is we do these body scans and we sit and we actually start to feel the anxiety. And talk about what it feels like. Yeah, you did that with me. It's not comfortable. No, it's very uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable. But as we start to do that, we are no longer fleeing from the feeling. Right.

Because, I mean, we talked about this before going on the podcast about why everybody has this obsession with thinking they need to be happy. Yeah. I mean, there's so many things that are, well, first of all, the feeling of happiness feels good. Right. And, oh, and you know what? I just went so Canadian there. I was like, oh. Also, who was it, Tina Faye?

I can't remember what talk. She was on a late night talk show. And she said, you don't feel the highs like you feel the lows. No. Which, like, it's so sad because everybody, like, just wants this feeling of happiness. And, but you don't feel those highs like you feel when you're, like, depressed or having these anxiety. You feel those lows so much more.

It's true. Than you feel the highs. Because we're, even when we feel. high, we're kind of always looking for that next thing. So we lose the five pounds and we're like kind of happy, but we're like, okay, 10 pounds more or I want my butt to be more of like the bubble or whatever it is. There's always something else that we can be striving for. And so it's not like when you're in a state of depression that you're like, I want to feel

more depressed. Bring on more anxiety. But we do that when we're happy. And what is an amazing practice to start looking at right now. is how can I have gratitude and appreciation for what I have right now in this moment, even if it doesn't feel good, which is a really hard thing to do. So one of the things that I like to talk about is this concept that every symptom that you're experiencing, every pain that you have, even if you have cravings that are annoying you,

even if you're in a tough moment in your relationship and there's an argument going on, if we can spin that in our mind so that it becomes a positive thing, looking at those things as having a positive intention for you in your growth as a human being, then it can kind of soften the intensity around it. So let me give you a couple of examples for that. So if you have a stomach ache, it's really easy to be annoyed at the fact that you have a stomach ache and kind of like ticked off at it. But if we look instead at the stomach ache as being a messenger from our body that's telling us that something is wrong, something's, you know, that maybe you've eaten something wrong or that you're stressing out about something that you need to

sort of change your belief around. The stomach ache is no longer a negative thing. It's a positive thing telling you that something in your life needs to change. If we look at anxiety, it's the same thing. Are you too busy right now? Have you taken on too much? Are you worrying about somebody in your family or your life that doesn't actually need you to be worrying about them in that way? And it's their way that we can shift our mindset about that. So these things that we often perceive is negative, it's really just our body's way of telling us that we need to do a little bit more work, that we need to dig in, that this is an area of opportunity for growth. And how incredible is that that our bodies can do that? Our bodies are brilliant and they're on our side. Our body

is not trying to cause us to deconstruct. They're on our team. It's on our team. They're on our team and they want what's best for you. And we just have to start to really learn how to tap into that and to listen to our body. Yeah. Do you have any like examples for people because they feel Like, you're so honest about everything that you go through and everything that you experience, but there's still always avail with social media. Yeah. Where it's like, oh yeah, of course. You know, things seem so much more perfect.

Can you think of any examples right now where like your body's maybe trying to tell you something and it's easier to like shut off and not listen? Yeah, a lot of things. I'm like trying to think of one specific example, but like social media. is still a thing for me that like it's still one of those things where I find myself scrolling and getting not necessarily anxiety but feeling uncomfortable like like knowing I'm so aware that what I'm doing is wrong like or like not wrong but that what you're doing is wrong like that I'm like by allowing myself to do the comparison thing right I will scroll and know I'm like

okay you're you're choosing to do this right now Caitlin you're you're addictive yeah what am um i'm like shopping that's what my therapist calls it i'm shopping for like i'm like emotional shopping like i'm looking to get upset somehow right or feel uncomfortable and i know i'm doing it i know women um are really hard on themselves but men can be too i know that 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35 and the thing is when you start to notice hair loss it's usually too late now some men love rocking a bald look but for the men who have this problem and want help in that department, there is forhims.com. It's a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare, sexual wellness for men. Hymns connects you with real doctors and medical grade

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But I mean, yeah, still stuff like that. I'm trying to think of a better example. That's a still great example. Like what are the feelings that come up when? you're in that state when you're when you are emotionally shopping like I'll sit there and tell myself like oh you're getting old Caitlin because look at all these young bachelor girls looking all hot and tight and like and what's the feeling that comes up uncomfortable right so your body is it's sending these uncomfortable feelings jealousy whatever it is to you to say like Caitlin stop

you're putting yourself in a place of risk yeah but we don't listen to our bodies and all it's trying to do is to help us. And so that's a perfect example of how your body's reaction to whatever it is that you're doing is speaking to you loud and clear. It's what you do or do not need to do. Right. The problem is whether or not we're going to choose to listen to it. And that's again where the work gets uncomfortable. Like whether or not you're trying to distract yourself from feelings that are there by doing like maybe it's easier to feel jealousy and easier to feel a little bit of discomfort in that way than it is to like dig deep into the real. feelings that you're feeling at that moment. So, I mean, all of this stuff is so layered. Yeah. And we could go

on and on and on and dig deeper and deeper and deeper. Absolutely. But I do really believe, and I've seen it in countless clients and I've seen it in myself and I've seen it in you that as we do the work, like life does get easier until it gets hard again. And then that's another moment or opportunity for us to work on and to grow and to build from. Yeah. And I can't tell you how, well, yes, I can because you know you've seen it. much I've grown, like just from having these kinds of conversations. Like, I think people are always obviously so scared to talk about the messy and the uncomfortable, but that um, is actually how I've grown and become stronger and become more confident is just by

talking through it. Talking is huge. Have you read Brene Brown the gift to them? Got it. Yes. Yeah. Every single person needs to read that. I've read it. I've listened to it on audio, my phone. Like, I love that book. Yeah. I actually. was just listening to it again like on a plane not long ago just to like put it in my brain like put my headphones on and like drill it into my head she I love her she's amazing yeah she's I just want to be best friends with her oh my too bad because her best friend's like Oprah I'd love to get in that friend circle totally but I think that one of the key messages from that book that I took and everyone's going to anytime you read a self-help book you're going to take different things from it

that you need to hear in that moment but that when we carry shame about the way about our feelings or the way that we are in a moment in life. So if you're feeling ashamed of the fact that you are dealing with depression or that you just got another diagnosis or that you have anxiety or that your boyfriend just cheated on you or your partner just cheated on, whatever it is. When we carry shame around that step, it literally eats us from the inside. And one of the easiest ways that we can reduce the feelings of shame is to talk about it with somebody is to allow ourselves to be seen in the moment exactly as we are. are to show up authentically. And you are just such an amazing example of a leader who's doing that. And I think, you know, when you talk about how that other podcast was one of the most downloaded ones, it's because you are showing up in a real, raw, authentic way that is

so refreshing to people and so necessary from leaders. Yeah. It's so hard too because I want to be so honest and authentic with everybody. And I know that that's what people appreciate. with me but I'm like but then how far it's too far because there's certain things where I'm like I'm obviously not going to talk about my arguments with Sean to people but sometimes I want to like I don't want people to get the impression that like relationships are perfect and it's like a hard balance for me too to not overshare right and to respect your partner's boundaries as well of course and I think everybody needs to understand have some grace around the fact that you don't need to share everything of your life and that there's other people.

people involved as well. Yeah. But even just you saying that you have arguments. Yeah. It's like that's real life. That's real relationships. I've yet to meet a single person regardless as to how successful they are or what kind of job they have that isn't, it doesn't have one area of their life where there's a little

bit of insecurity or that they're working on or that they find difficult or complicated. It's just, this is the human existence. So when we can stop striving for happiness 100% of the time. then I actually think like we cut ourselves a little bit of a break because that can be exhausting in itself. Oh. Trying to be happy all the time. That is so true.

Like it's you said that, um, what did you just say about, um, oh, when somebody loses like five pounds and they're like, well, I'm, that's great, but I need another 10. Like how come we can't just celebrate our like moments of happiness in that, in that moment? We are just so scared to let ourselves be vulnerable. to actually let ourselves feel joy because as well, the fear of that being taken away from us. Right. It's similar to how we talk about people being more afraid

to step into their greatness than to actually like try to get there. Just in case. Just in case we don't. It doesn't work. Just in case it doesn't work. There's so much fear in our lives about letting ourselves try. And I mean, I don't think anybody can get away with completely. avoiding that um for you for example like even deciding to go on the show or launching this

podcast like did you find there was fear around that so much fear and how did you get through it i just have always i kind of i'm grateful for that about myself actually that i usually just go for things no matter like i'll i'll ignore the fear a little bit and sometimes it's like sometimes i should listen to my body a little more because sometimes i have too much of the attitude like yeah screw it um no that's good but i think with when it came to like the show i always look at the like bigger better picture like i'm like okay but what if i actually do like if i'm gonna find the love of my life i probably would do it on tv like that just sounds like something i would do so i'm like you know what like yeah they could make me look really steep

but i could be the drunk girl night one and go home right but i could like possibly find the love of my life and like have this platform and and and i feel like i really really really tell myself like what what's going to happen. Yes. And that's so good. You have to talk yourself through it. And there's something called a belief table. Yeah. Which is an awesome tool I feel like to kind of help people through those moments when they're a belief table. Yeah. So if you were in a moment where you were kind of at a crossroads, do I do this or do I not? Whatever it is. Um, most likely you're going to have somewhat of a negative belief popping up. So let's say, for example, going on the show, you could have said, like, well, you know what, I'm probably not going to get

picked because X, Y, and Z. I know with you, you probably would have said, like, my body's not going to be right. Every other girl is so much prettier, whatever it is. And so that's the belief that is popping up forefront of your mind. What is the belief that you would like to hold? So exactly like what you just said, what if I meet the love of my life on this show and I have the most incredible adventure and X, Y, and Z. So you create the positive belief that you have. And then you want to create legs for that table that support it.

So what are all the reasons that that could happen? What are all the positive things that could happen from that? So that belief is almost like the top of your table. And then the arguments that you're going to create to support that belief are going to be the legs of your table. So we start to really dig deeper into what are the reasons why this could work for me. And then you're going to turn that into some sort of, I mean, you could call it a mantra or whatever it is. You could just pete it in your head as to why this is a positive thing.

And that will actually start to change the chemical reaction in your brain around this new idea so that there's not so much fear to do it. But you have to do it like every day for an extended period of time. You can't just do the belief table and then forget about it. Because that old belief that you've got in your mind that you've had for years and years and years, it's going to keep popping up. Yeah, that's something that I've been working on is changing the, like my, instead of saying like, what if about the bad is changing it to like, what if about the good? And then just I will actually say out loud to myself, like, stop when I'm having these like

negative thoughts. I'll just like say it out loud or I'll like look in the mirror and be like, no, not today, Caitlin. And I'll switch with that really like it's so hard. It's such a struggle. and you have to constantly be reminding yourself to do that. Actually, you'll be so proud of us. Sean and I got this book, like a notebook, and we call it like the gratitude book.

And at the end of the day, we'll write down what was great about our day and like what we appreciate. Love that. Yeah. And that is such, it's such a beautiful practice for anybody who doesn't already do that to create a gratitude book. And I know it's so like cliche right now and everyone's doing it. But it does really change what you.

you start to notice throughout your day. So as you're, because you have to write something down that you're grateful for throughout the day, you start to notice all these little moments and little things. Yeah, because you're like, oh, I got to remember that to write this down later. Maybe that'll be one of my moments. And that does start to change the way that we see the world and that we experience the world. It just, I mean, this is research-based stuff. This isn't just like fluffy. We're not promoting something. It's, it does really have a positive impact. That's another, I think it's called The Happiness Advantage by Sean Aker is another really amazing book that kind of touches on that stuff as well.

So, yeah, if you're looking for an audiobook or your next read, if you're ready to go up on. So Bray Brown, Gifts of Imperfection and Happiness Advantage. Sean, What? Sean Acre. I think that's how, yeah. Hey, bed. You guys saw that Instagram video I did the other day of us making our bed and how Sean makes the bed compared to how I do?

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There are two easy ways to doing the survey. You can go to podcast.1.com slash my survey or go to podcast1.com and click on the survey banner. If you filled out the survey in the past, we thank you, but we still need you to do it again. You do all of us at Off the Vine and Podcast won a huge favor by filling it out. So thank you for supporting my program and for taking the time. time to complete the survey you're listening to off the vine with kately bristow i wanted to talk to you about um megan markel yes oh my gosh let's talk about her beautiful wedding and like so many things to her like um we were saying earlier about um this was off podcast off what did they call it off record

off the record um saying that like she was probably going through a time in her life where where, because she was divorced, I didn't even know that. I didn't know that either until after the wedding and I was doing the Instagram school. Yeah. Start to find out all these things about these people. But yeah, she was divorced at one point in her life. Yeah. Which I'm sure wasn't an incredibly comfortable moment.

I mean, I don't want to pretend that I know her or have had these conversations with her. She can also join us for breakfast. Yeah, no problem. And Brunei. Our tribe. I know Drake says no new friends, but new friends for sure. Definitely. If they're Megan Markle.

totally um but no i mean you can only imagine that that time in her life would have been challenging and with anybody i think who's an actor and actress the number of knows that they get before they get that big break in their life that has got to take a toll on your confidence and there's got to be moments of darkness there yeah and um and she survived and i mean not only did did she survive she's now royalty she's royalty side note The next time you're feeling anxiety, just remember. You could be royalty in a few years. Yeah, just hang tight on that.

But that's so true, too, is just like, I think people always just want to give up if they're feeling depression or anxiety or anything of those uncomfortable feelings. People just think, like, it's the end or they're never going to come back from this. And you start talking to yourself. Like, we're saying one of our girlfriends, she's really good at knowing that things will pass. where a lot of us are like, nope, this is it. I'm, it's the end of my life. Like, if somebody could have just told me that high school was not the end-all,

be-all for me. Would have saved you a lot of. Oh, my God. Yeah, no. High school, anyone who's in high school, high school is not the end. And neither is university. No.

And neither are your 20s. And neither is that relationship that you're in right now. One of my girlfriends, she was like, I think I'm going to go on the bachelor. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah. We sent in some paperwork and I'm like, aren't you dating somebody right now? And she's like, yeah, I don't know though if he's my guy. I'm like, well, he's definitely not.

Now I can tell you that. 100%. If you're thinking about going on the show. We know how this ends in the show too. The guy is going to come onto the show. Yep, yeah. You're going to be that girl. Everybody's going to hate you.

But you do you. But she was like, but I'm turning 33 next month. And like, well, and I'm like, just so you know, a man does not complete you. like why do people think that oh well I'm almost 33 so I should have everything together I should have all my ducks in a row because we have this idea and it's largely perpetuated by media but also just you know from parents and siblings and and there is with women like somewhat of a clock but luckily you know this is also changing not if you freeze your eggs exactly there's options but but I mean all of those things come into play and and so but yeah no it's it's I The thing with happiness is it doesn't come when we reach a certain weight or when we enter that relationship or when we have that home that we always imagined or when our closet is complete. Like, as we talked about before, all of those, you'll get all of those things. And if you haven't been working on a practice of gratitude and appreciation and being able to live in the moment and find happiness in each individual little moment, then you're still going to be looking for that. next thing. There's still going to be struggle there. They're still going to be being there.

I follow this guy on Twitter who's like a therapist. And he said the other day too, like, what if we like, you know when you're waiting and you're just like, oh, I'm in traffic and I'm like so upset or you're waiting for this and this line is too long. And so he's like, what if we thought about what we were waiting for and how lucky we are to like, like certain things like that are. I read, okay, Caitlin, I read something about like when you're working out like, not doing it to punish yourself for what you've eaten, but celebrating what your body's capable of. 100%.

Like, it's just switching your mindset. And because also that girl, I feel like ashamed of myself that I don't remember her name because she is memorable. She was in Australia and she was 27 and she passed away from, I think it was cancer or something. And she said, trust me, when you're laying on your deathbed, you're not thinking about your cellulite and you're not thinking about like whatever, like these things are. that you think are so terrible right now. Like, you just should be living in each moment with like, I mean, I'm obviously easier

said than done, but gratitude and appreciation. And just like, I've started to do that where I was in a spin class the other day. And I actually just held my heart and said, thank you. And I didn't even realize that I did. And then I kind of laughed at myself because I'm like, for you, Caitlin. No, but I love that. And it is, it is, it's hard to do. and I don't want to negate the feelings that people have, like, when they are, like,

getting into an anxiety attack over their cellulite. Because there are real, again, like beliefs that we have around what cellulite equals. And that's causing the anxiety. It's not just about cellulite, but it's about, like, this cellulite means that no man will ever love me or that I'm not in control of myself and I can't manage my eating and exercise and I'm a failure. And those are the deep, hard beliefs tied to that. Which is so sad because every woman has it. Every woman has it. Every single woman.

Both of us sitting here right now are not like we're probably thin when you describe it. And I have like somebody like nobody's business. And after having a baby, your body changes so much. But I think that the more that we can connect to a purpose greater than our body and greater than what we look like and greater than those types of things, the more we can kind of redirect our focus onto things that are well i don't know if this was on raw beauty or something i saw but it's like something about the book cover like like comparing your looks to a book cover was that on raw yeah you're not you're not you're missing all the good stuff inside yeah and that's the

stuff that really matters but we've been sold for so long that the stuff that really matters is the way that we look yeah and so there's so much turmoil around looking a certain way and having our lives look a certain way that is, I mean, it's causing major, major issues right now. And when I talk about how we have to do the work, we as leaders and as individuals who have a platform, our ability to stand up and be vulnerable and to talk about these things, even somebody like Julian Harris, for example, whose Instagram posts are all very beautiful and curated. And I've had multiple conversations with her about this that that's okay that's your business and she recognizes that and she would say this right now as well yeah but her stories oh she's as raw and real as you can get

she really is i love watching her instagram stories because i'm just like she will rock her incoming grays and she will like have she'll wake up and her like bangs will be sticking straight up and she's like so exhausted and like but she's like she's still somebody that people like look up to and that we appreciate and she's so talented, but she's vulnerable as well. You don't have to be perfect. Which is so beautiful. You can, yes, it's way more interesting.

It's way more beautiful. I find it's like I'm way more attracted to those people. Me too, me too. Are able to show up and be like, hey, here's where my talents are and here's where I can rock it. But like also, I've got this and this and this going on. And I'm like, okay, me too. Like I actually relate to you.

That's, I mean, even that post that I did, um, where you could see the cellulite all down. my leg. I'm like, I love that I can be honest about it, but the most beautiful thing would be if I didn't even have to point it out. Right. And maybe that's goals. Maybe that is goals. I'm like trying because I want people, I want to share the message that like cellulite is okay. And I want to post it and be like, see, like I'm small. And I have cellulite. It doesn't mean this. It doesn't, cellulite doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean no guy's going to love you. Sean loves my cellulitey butt.

Yeah, you're, they guys don't care that much. They just don't. No. No. And you know what? If somebody saw me, they probably, like in a bathing suit, they probably be like, what cellulite? Like, it's, you see it so much more like a certain way you sit and then you just think

it's like the end. Like, you're like, oh, my body is just not great. And it's just so sad that, but I do think that the ultimate for me will be when I can post and not point it out. Well, there's, um, this amazing girl. I absolutely love her. Her name's Sarah Shabakan. And I hope I pronounce that right in there, but anyways, whatever.

She is like the most gorgeous mama. She curates beautiful vintage pieces for her home and has a beautiful Instagram page. But she also just does post photos like that where her cellulites there and she doesn't say anything about it. And it's like so refreshing. Yeah. And so, I mean, it's so beautiful. Yeah. She's so beautiful, and it's just like, I hope that we continue to go down that path. Yeah, because it's just, I mean, it's just so unrealistic to have these expectations of yourself.

And like you said, like, we're always going to be looking for that next best thing that we have to stop and remind ourselves of what great things we have right now. It's so hard, but it's so rewarding. It's so worth it. I have noticed such a difference just in my life, like, from doing those little things and just continuing to do them. We should get people who are listening to this to write in the comments something that they're grateful for. That's a good idea. I've been listening to this because I would love to read them. Yeah, I love reading that stuff too.

I'm like, that's so nice. I know. I know. And there's so many, like, I can't tell you how lovely the listeners are that. Like, I'll sometimes look at the Facebook posts for Off the Vine listeners. And they are just all supporting each other in this one, you know, internet can be a terrible place. But this space is so, like, empowering. and you read these women who'll post like a photo and be like, hey, do you guys like this outfit?

They'll be like, oh, you look so beautiful. And I love that. It's so cute. And sometimes I'll just like go look through the Facebook post because I'm like, everybody's just complimenting each other and lifting each other up. And that's what you've created because you do the same. And you have no place for the online bullying on your page. Yeah. And so that's the environment that you create.

And we can create that in the world too. Yeah. But we kind of have to start getting like pickier about. how we do it and using our voice to make it happen so i have a question for you okay um when you're in a sticky place yeah or where things are feeling ugh how do you start to move yourself out of it what are your tools um definitely the gratitude thing definitely reminding myself of like all the things that i have in my life that i'm so grateful for and and lucky to have um i do um use like meditating apps. Yes. Any favorite? Um, yes, the, um, calm. Um, I love it. Um, headspace.

Headspace as well. Yeah. Maybe try and list a couple for people. All I know is the common headspace. Is there more? I'm sure there's, but there's, there's lots more. But those are two like great ones for getting started because I think they even have some free options for like, yeah, they do trial and things. And, and they have like different categories for like anxiety. They have one for like falling to sleep they have one they have sleep stories that I love like it's like a like calming voice telling you like adult bedtime story and it's like I'm like I'll put it on and I'll be like oh my gosh 15 minutes I'm like and then I'm like a sleep within two right like it's crazy how much it actually just puts you to sleep because you're not thinking about the outside world

you're like listening to a story yeah but they have other ones for I can't I can't think about I'll just pull it up right now but It's so nice because you hear this woman saying, like, how many people feel this way, like, in the percentage. And she'll, like, tell you facts. Oh, listen to it. Oh, it's already so calm. And as soon as you open it, it says, take a deep breath. And I'm always like, whoa, that's all I needed.

I actually just need to breathe. Yeah. Just shut my app off right there. Let me see. There's like master classes. Sleep, meditate. Okay, seven days of calming anxiety, seven days of gratitude, seven days of managing stress. seven days of calm, mindfulness at work, deep sleep release, 21 days of calm.

I feel like those titles are speaking to everyone. Seven days of happiness. Yes. Relationship with self. Like there's so many. And she really just like, her voice is everything. She can be in the friend's circle too. Our friend's circle is going to be bomb.

It's going to be so lit. Yeah. I love it. So meditation, gratitudes. I feel like movement is a big one for you that you're forgetting. Like when you exercise, I feel like when you're doing your exercise routinely. Yeah. That's so true, which I've been so good about.

I'm on like week eight of working out five days a week because it makes me feel so good. Yeah. Like I don't enjoy it in the moment. I actually hate working out like when I'm in it. I'm like, oh, why am I doing this? Right. But after my whole day has changed. Like it does. I mean, we know that it causes a chemical reaction. Now here would be my challenge for you when you're saying that you hate working out. That's why I've started to thank my heart. Thank your heart. Yeah. Also think about like what would be a way that you could move that would feel good and would feel fun for you. Dancing. Yes. So why are you not doing more dancing right now? I don't know. I feel like I've lost it. But you know me. I have to be the best of everything I do. I know. I know. But sometimes because we have to be the best at things, then we stop doing it.

it because we just have to be the best. And we feel like, I mean, you were at a place with your dance at one time where you were, you know, you were the best and you were doing really amazing things. And so it would be scary to go back into a class where that's not the place. But you'd probably have so much fun. Yeah. And you'd be sweating and you'd be getting exercise and you'd be getting all the same mental benefits and physical benefits from it.

And it wouldn't feel so hard. Support for today's show comes from Microsoft Teams. Microsoft Teams is your hub for Teams. work in Office 365. With so much to look after, wouldn't it be great if there was just one place to look? Teams is that single workspace where you can work, share, and connect with the people in your work life. Teams brings together your chats, meetings, files, and apps all into one convenient place.

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And now I'm like, don't look at me. Right. You're like, I want to wear my baseball hat to spin class and be able to just. focus on sweating because I get I get super uncomfortable just because like I should I don't even know what it is like I it's I guess it's just uncomfortable when people stare no matter what well in some moments like when you're exercising I don't feel most people are like this is the moment I want an audience right right you're like but at the same time maybe going to one of those classes and standing in the back or whatever it is or doing a private lesson or something like that

Oh, we still have, Sean got me last year for like Valentine's Day or something. He got us ballroom dancing lessons and we still have two left. Okay, that would be really fun. Did you go to a couple? Yeah. Yeah. Did he like it as well? Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's so fun. And it's like combining date night as well. Yeah. The best thing about, one of the best things about Sean is that he will like try and do anything, like even if it's totally out of his comfort zone. And like he's, I find that like romantic about him that he'll like totally, like it was his idea. He got me the ballroom dancing lessons knowing.

And then he shows up and he tries. It's so sweet. So cute. It's so sweet. Yeah. So, okay, so that's awesome. So meditation, gratitude, movement. What else?

This is a big one. What? Food. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Food. So when you're trying to get yourself back on track with it, if you're eating a ton of, like, sugar and high fat foods and deep fried processed foods, like, again, those foods are,

all good. I'm a big advocate of not having like, yes, they eat this and no foods by any means. We don't have those lists. But it's more thinking about like, how do I get as many of the good foods in me as possible throughout the day? And if you have like a side of fries with that, then that's cool. But getting those greens in, getting the whole grains in, whatever it is that works for your body again. But what are those foods that feel good to you and that make you feel good. That's, yeah, I really do find, because I'm a pretty overall, like I eat pretty healthy and I'm aware of the foods that make me feel good. But traveling is so hard. Always being like, like airports and airplanes are like the worst places to find healthy food. It's so hard. But I really do notice a

difference in my moods, even if I'm not feeding my body, what makes me feel good. And you'll sometimes pack stuff before you go. You have to be so organized in order to do that. And sometimes your schedule is But sometimes your schedule is crazy. So it's like really hard to do that. That's true. But when you're eating well, that's another big thing. I mean, anybody can do this and you can create what I call a personal nourishment menu. So think about the things that work for you.

Not necessarily what everyone in health and wellness is saying you should do right now. But what are the things that you, that make your body feel good, that give you energy that make you feel grounded? So things I commonly hear are sleep, whatever movement feels good. So again, like if everyone's talking about going to the gym right now, but that's not you, then don't do it. If you're someone who loves the gym, then find that gym membership. Think about what works for your body. What foods work for you.

Yeah, like I don't necessarily love the gym. I love like a class, like I love spin classes and doing stuff like that. Yeah. But like me going to the gym to just like lift weights, no. It's not for you. It's my nightmare. But Sean loves that. Loves it.

Like all day, all night. It lives for it. Exactly. But different people. different things. And here's another example is that people always have this like, I'm going to go on this diet and I'm not eating any carbs. And I'm like, that blows my mind because carbs work for me. Right. Like I find that that's what gives me energy when I'm at the gym. That's what gives me energy through my day. I feel like I am like getting more out of my day just from fueling myself

with carbs. And I'm like, and your body needs it. You have the body type that that needs that. needs it. And there are people listening to this right now thinking I hate you, but it's the truth. It's the truth. If you cut carbs out, then, and I'm the same way, actually, where it's like I don't feel like I can think properly. Yeah. And I, yeah, my body needs them as well. Yeah. So you have to think about what it is that's working for you. I can't tell you the number of people I talk to when we do this exercise that are like, actually kale gives me the worst stomachache, but I try and eat it every day. Because I think it's healthy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But it's not working for them. That's listening to your body is something I've definitely learned from you to just actually take a step back and listen to what your body needs. Like what makes you feel good? What makes you feel like you can sleep better? Like you can get through your days with more energy.

Like, and food is a big part of that. Food is a huge part of it. Yeah. Sleep is another thing. I mean, oftentimes people who are struggling with anxiety, if you're, there's two types of people with anxiety. There's the ones who get really busy and are always do, do, do. and they can't sit still and they kind of tend to just like pile on more.

And then there's people who are anxious and they numb themselves, whether that's with TV or alcohol or whatever it is or sleep all day, whatever it is. They're numbing. And so I can't remember where I was going with this thought. But regardless, sleep is another big thing that a lot of people forget about. And I would say that if you're not sleeping, that's the number one place to start. And it's like,

before you go to sleep, I find that doing that gratitude book with Sean, like that's like something that we kind of bond over at the end of the day. It gives us like these positive, happy thoughts before we go to sleep. And I feel like it can help you sleep better. Totally. Yeah. Creating a healthy sleep ritual is huge and including gratitudes in that. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. I love like starting, now this has been a little bit more challenging with two kids because by the end of the day, I'm just like falling into bed a lot of the time. But since having anxiety back, I've been trying to go to bed and having like a half an hour bedtime routine where I'm slowing things down, everything from washing my face.

So usually we're washing our face and our mind is off on like what's coming up tomorrow and what happened earlier today and why did I say that thing and I've got to do this and that and we're buzzing still. But using that bedtime face wash as an opportunity to really just tune into the moment that you're in and to get really mindful. So even when you're taking off your eye makeup, like doing it slowly and just noticing all the sensations of the way that that feels, the way that the product smells, the sounds that you're hearing. Your senses, using your senses. Just being in the moment starts to quiet the mind. And it's almost like you're creating an at home spa. So actually like

feel yourself putting the soap on feel yourself brushing your teeth. Yeah. And like, the temperature of the water, all of these little things. It's so true. I keep going back to that. You told me that. You told me I even do that with food now where like a Sean, Sean's so funny. He just shovels it right in there and he eats so fast and he's like,

go go, okay, here we go. It's like just fuel to him. That's all food is where I'm like, I love food. Like I love it. And so now I find myself, I will, I will take deep breaths before I start eating. I will slow down my chewing. I will taste every. little thing that's in my mouth. I'll be like, ooh, that part's crunchy. That is like, I really do that

because it helps, first of all, it helps you digest, digest, digest, digest, yeah, food easier. Yeah. And just not stress eating. And your body is actually able to assimilate the nutrients better when we eat slowly. So when you're having that like big, beautiful salad, if you're shoveling it in and the anxiety's on high and you're like, I'm thinking about everything else. Your body's actually not able to take all the goodness from that. And we start to see that in our skin and in our, the way that we feel all of these different ways that it shows up. So we also talk about the 20 minute meal,

slowing down and actually spending 20 minutes eating your meal. When Scott and I first did this, it was after having our first kid and we've been in that like bubble for the first year of doing everything quickly. And I think I'd made a big curry. And he literally ate two helpings in three minutes. Whoa. Yeah.

I mean, talk about shoveling food. So we started to work on this. Let's just set dinner time. It wasn't realistic to do breakfast, lunch and dinner, as having a goal of sitting there for 20 minutes and eating our food a little bit more slowly and doing exactly what you just said. Yeah. Yeah, taking notice of all the things that you're experiencing. There's so many things that we can do for ourselves.

And I think people just don't find the time when it's like probably the most important thing you should do is like you always say invest in yourself and do things that are going to actually just help you like like for the rest of your life for the rest of your life because if you start now with switching your mindset and having a more positive outlook and not being like I need to lose the next this many pounds and just just going through each day with like reminders like I don't have to lose 10 pounds right now if I choose to eat healthy and do things for my body and over time that means those 10 pounds I didn't want are gone great but like we need to stop doing what we're doing and switching our mindset and having a more positive outlook on everything yeah i can promise

you when you start to give to yourself your body will give back to you and it'll happen really naturally yeah it won't feel like that's just you won't even like like sometimes i just think like even like now in my life i'm like oh i've been practicing this for like a year now of this and i didn't even notice but i have made a huge change right it's small shifts Like, I can't tell you the amount of times I used to cry over my hair. Really? Yes. What about what?

I would think I was balding. I would think I'm like, well, I did lose a bunch of hair, but I just would like, I thought that that was the end. My hair was going to be gone. My hair was thin. I didn't have that long, thick hair that all these girls on Instagram have when all extensions anyways. But like, it's probably extensions.

And if it's not, you are blessed. But like, now I'm like, I don't know anything about my hair anymore. Right. because you have again going back to that whole purpose thing like yeah there's too many other amazing things yeah and like sean i remember sean would be like what are you really crying about your hair and i'd be like if you were balding you would not be okay with that but like he even says now he's i'm like remember i used to be so upset about my hair he's like yeah you never like i never go there anymore because i'm like now i'm like i can't believe i even thought that was a problem like right

but that was your thing at that was a thing and we grow and change and evolve and it's it is because you've been working on all of this stuff which is i mean a very silly example as hair, but you know what I mean? Like, these are, well, I guess, yeah, so it was cellulated. So it's all, yeah, everyone's got something. So true. We should probably wrap this up because I got to get to the airport. Your flight leaves in the network.

Yeah, I'm like, later in the clock, I'm like, I'm probably going to have to. Yeah, I'm like, I'm probably going to have to switch my flight, which is fine. But I'm going to Edmonton to surprise my sister for her birthday. Okay, well, just make sure you don't release this today then. Yeah, no, no. because everyone knows now that is so nice of you yeah she'll be so happy to see she was even saying she's like I'm going to be lonely for my birthday I'm like not anymore I'm like no you won't but you don't know that yet um so what are like just some closing notes we can leave

little summarize summarize um I cannot think today no that's all good I've got you I've got you I think some notes to summarize the first one is that happiness shouldn't be a goal 100% of the time. We're going to feel pain in our life. We're going to have moments where we feel sad. We're going to have moments where we feel depressed or anxious and that you're not alone in those moments. The trick is using them as like a signal that our body needs us to make a shift or to change

things. And so that it's really just an opportunity for you to start to look inward and to dig deep and use that as a shining light as to where you need to put your work and that self-care and that self-love in that moment. that's a big one and that's people always say i don't know if i i think i just talked about this on another podcast but people always say like don't go to bed mad but i'm always like if you are that's okay because you probably wake up and be over it in the morning and then you're fine you know like you can go to bed mad that's okay yeah that's okay it's all good people are going to go to bed mad

yeah the other takeaway i would say is is just learning how to listen to your body start to listen to and tune into what foods give you energy what types of movement give you energy. What people give you energy is your job making you feel expansive and excited or contracted and small and start to shift towards those things that are giving you energy and making you feel positive. And that little shift, which is why our group coaching program is called the shift, that little shift has the ability to change the trajectory of your entire life. Yeah, it's so true. And there's so many things like, I'm not going to tell the exact story of what happened because it'll make people uncomfortable.

But I had a session with my therapist one time where she actually made me sit in a chair and talk to somebody that wasn't there and say these things. And then I had to switch spots and go in the other chair and be that person and say things back to me. And I was like, this is so silly.

Like this is not going to do anything. And she goes, trust me having this. She goes, you need to be in this. And having this conversation with this person is going to have a shift in your brain. And I had this. full-blown half an hour conversation with somebody who wasn't even there and I was playing the part of them and my something happened something happened and you can't anticipate it it doesn't

have to make sense and that's why sometimes having a professional to help you through these things because you know most of us wouldn't think to have a conversation and play this in our bedroom at night but then I got in it and it really did something to me yeah I mean therapy works yeah it really does it does there's a reason for it and so if you know if you're listening to this and you're like, oh my God, I've been struggling and I didn't want to talk to anybody and just know you're not alone and then go go get help and talk to someone. Talk to your doctor, talk to a friend. That's people will go blow a hundred bucks on, you know, whatever at Target. Yeah, but they cannot justify. But they can't justify spending $120 on therapy.

And from my experience, like any work that I've done in that area, um, has actually helped me financially as well, which sounds weird because you start to learn how to create boundaries and, um, as you become happier, you attract more, and as you figure out your purpose, you align with things and life just starts to flow. Things start to flow. It's so true. It really is. Money comes in and like right people come into your life and it all, it all starts right there with you. It's so true. That's a good way to end this podcast. That's, that his people, right where it counts. Right in the old heart. Well, I always love talking to you and thank you for having me on, Whether it's on the podcast or just day-to-day, like what I need to call you and be like,

I need to. Right back at you. I love it. Thank you so much. And I do really think people should, well, A, follow Raw Beauty Talks on Instagram. It's one of the most refreshing things on Instagram. And it's one of those things that's just like a reminder when I scroll and I'm like, yes, yes, every time.

And also your website, because there's so many tools. there and there's so many like the what were you talking about the um body scan body scan yeah there's a body scan meditation on our website yeah and i can i can give you the links to all of this stuff so we can put it so it's easy for people to find yeah that on the website as well and people can scroll and we just talk about all of this stuff yeah in our blog on there yeah yeah so when i when this podcast comes out i will give you all of the links see i usually do confessions can you not end it with a joke but no not today you know what This isn't that kind of podcast.

I'm having coffee and not wine. You know? Next time we'll do wine. Next time we'll do one and confess. Yeah, exactly. But thank you. I've said thank you like eight times. I just need to wrap this up because I'm like into the airport, Caitlin.

Go. I'm Caitlin Briston. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Offba Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the podcast one app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV? Sponsors for this Tuesday's Off the Vine. Hymns, go to trial month of Hems for just $5.

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