Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Bachelorette Bio Breakdown with Caitlin Reilly

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

The brilliant and hilarious Caitlin Reilly (AKA Paige Reilly) is with Kaitlyn (wrong spelling) in person to break down the newest bios from The Influencer Factory… oops, we meant The Bachelorette. These two have so much in common including their shared love of Degrassi and the word “snafu,” their computer passwords, and (kind of) their name and favorite colors. The two of them talk about their past and current lives and then get into what we’re all here for: the bios from the upcoming season of The Bachelorette, including one man that Caitlin realizes in the moment that she actually knows IRL, and one man who talks about love like it’s football… no wait, that's all of them. Even though Caitlin may be bored, Kaitlyn is definitely not as she listens to all of the hot takes coming her way. The word “fun” in “fun facts” is debatable this season, and Kaitlyn & Caitlin will tell you all the reasons why. We’re just having too much fun, don’t cancel us. VIZZY - To find Vizzy near you go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/VINE.   HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Lots of game. It's time for off the vine, grape therapy. Welcome to your weekly session. Caitlin and friends are here to share

unfiltered advice, lots of laughs, and some major breakthroughs. So put your feet up, pop a cork, and get ready for some grape therapy.

First of all, thank you for being here. Thank you for having. me, Taylor Bristow. You are fucking hilarious. I just, everything you post, we were laughing about it earlier when we were like doing our research and coming up with your prep talk. I was like, I want to be that funny. I wish I was that funny. It's just a lot of trauma. That's what I've heard. Yeah. But what a great little gift for going through a lot of shit in your life to be that funny is a nice little turnaround. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's working out. It's paid off. I don't have to nanny people. people's kids anymore. So that's nice. It's a plus. I wear body suits now. Oh, what did you wear before? I couldn't afford body suits. So just like t-shirts and underwear that was like older than my relationships. You know, like literally. Really? Yeah. That's something I need to invest more money in his underwear. I too just like don't care, which I probably should. But for some

reason, I just, I've got a lot of old underwear. Yeah. That's too bad. I should. I just really didn't think about it to me brought to my attention. But I recently bought new underwear. That shit's expensive. It is expensive. It is. And for it to be comfortable because apparently that's now an option, even more expensive. Were you allowed to wear thongs growing up like when you were younger? I have the kind of mother who would tell me that I should wear thongs. Me too. Me too. Because she's like, you don't want to wear a dress and have the underwear line show. And if it feels like something's in your ass all day, That's called being a woman. So you need to start wearing it and get used to it, okay?

Like, she would tell me to, like, wear rouge so they could, like, sneak me into bars so they wouldn't have to, like, deal with a babysitter. Like, it was, I had quite an upbringing. Okay. Well, my mom, too, was also, like, what did she tell me? Oh, it was because I was in ballet and I wasn't supposed to have underwear lines or, like, it would come out of my body suit. So she was like, you got to get used to wearing a thong.

And one time, I wasn't. wearing makeup and she told me to put on makeup because she wanted to show me off yeah i was like no wonder i gotta love it you know got to love that i don't know how old your mother is but i think i think my mom 70 oh my god my mom 74 yeah okay so it's her name leslie too because we're both katelyn oh close what's your dad's name mike okay my name was john so i'm sorry about your dad also oh thank you yeah john well this one's for john this one's for john oh what did you say your mom's name was Liz? Well, she, her actual name is Lilybeth. She was named after the queen. Because the queen's name is actually Lilybet. Oh. And then when she came to America,

because she's from Sweden. Oh. So I'm like Swedish. You're so Swedish. She went through 25 different names to try and find her identity. And then she landed on Liz. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's a cool story. Yeah. Thanks for sharing. I'm just so excited to, one, hear your take on all these bachelor guys. But I have to tell you, I just don't know how I'm even here to conduct this interview after watching your videos because we were, like I was saying, like we were just, as the kids say, dead, RIP, time of death, me watching your videos right now. They're just brilliant, brilliant and hilarious. Thank you. And since you have a few audition tape videos, I thought you could introduce yourself as you would in an audition. Like if this was a real audition? If this was a real

audition, slate your name. Is that what they say? Slate your name. Where you're from, what your friends would say about you if you weren't in the room, how you're feeling, whatever. Okay. Hi, my name is Caitlin Riley. I'm 5-6 based out of Los Angeles, California. I will be reading for the role of slut. Something that my friends would say about me if I wasn't in the room is that I am annoying. And today, I am feeling hopeful.

You're feeling hopeful. I'm like, are you being real or are you on right now? I'm on. Okay. I'm always on. Oh, that was really good. Thank you. Yeah.

I actually have, I'm so happy that the majority of auditions now have sort of stayed in the self-tape space. Yeah. Where you just do it at home and then email it. Yeah. Because I have intense audition anxiety. Really? Intense. Like, I cannot.

I can't. Hmm. I'm lying like, casmey, but. You know what I mean? I'm really good at it. It's nerve-wracking. Well, okay. Now, tell me, is it just.

because of the obvious, you're sitting in front of two people who are just staring at you and you have to just like, it's like, pretend to be shot. And then you're like, oh, God, and you just have to go. Yeah. And like with that was one of my auditions, by the way. That's why I said. Wait, what did you have to do? I had to act like I was shot. And this was like 15 years ago in Vancouver. I did like a couple of auditions. What was it for? Was it for anything? A commercial. I don't remember anything more than that. I just remember being like, and then being like, this is not the career path for me. Oh, my God. Well, that's, hey, I wish that I made that decision. Like, I was, I was like, you know what?

I, I don't know if I should do this. Yeah, but how great that now you can have a platform and have that gig, because. Yeah. Yeah. People love following you. All it took was a pandemic for me to be like this or I jump off a bridge. Okay. You know?

Wait, trigger warning. I'm so sorry. That's not funny. No, you are funny. So it's like, well, this is the thing. With comedians and people being funny, it's part of the comedy is shock value. you. Part of people's, like, comedic timing is saying things for shock value. And I feel like now we've had to get a go away from that because now you're worried you said you got canceled five times this week. So I say that every day. But yeah, no, I just, I don't know. I think it's, I think there are a lot of people out there who just, and by people I just mean sort of like sleuths online who are like, I don't find, I don't find this funny. I'm not fine this funny. I'm not really not funny. Actually, I really not find this funny. And then it bought, because I'm incredibly sensitive, it bothers me.

So I'm like, okay, Jamie from Duluth, wherever is really upset with me right now. And I'll, I'll, like, carry that all day. So I try to not read my messages, but then I get bored and I'm like, what are people saying to me? You know what I mean? You are me? I do this same thing. I'm like, I don't give a fuck what people say. I'm going to say what I want.

And then I read like two things. And I'm like, I'm in trouble. Yeah. And then I feel like shame. And then I like. so much shame from like taking a picture of my dog like oh no like oh no i know you're just scared of anything but you just have to i've i've sort of gotten used to it now where it's like there's going to be at least five insane people that type something crazy out and send it to you and you just

have to be like oh okay yeah it's just so weird to me how people and i feel like i talk about this on every podcast i do so i'm like katelyn stop talking about this me are you um me both we are one We are one now. We're one person. We're best friends. We're best friends now. People just send messages whether they're nice or not where I'm like, I've never, and I said this to someone else a while ago, I've never messaged someone I didn't know.

Oh, I have. In my, I've never done that. And so that, I guess that train of thoughts means like, I'm going to type this out. But you've never, like Justin Bieber, for example, I write him DMs all the time. Do you really? Yeah. And he sees them. Does he follow you?

No. Oh, then he must have taken you out of the requests and has you in the general messages. Because he reads them, but he doesn't respond. Interesting. I know. So then it gives me hope. So then I'm like, well, you should have him on the podcast. I mean, we're both Canadian. There you go. That's right. I totally forgot you were Canadian. So what's that like. It's really nice. It's humbling. What's health care like? Free. Universal. Wow. What a treat. It really is. It's great. Yeah. But don't get me wrong. because Canada's kind of having their own issues right now. But still, I do love. I said, yeah, like, I know what the you're talking about. I don't know anything. Yeah, no, I heard. I heard.

You're like Alberta especially, right? I heard. Yeah. But overall, I'm like so proud of being Canadian. Yeah. And I feel like every time I go back to Canada, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is nice. That's where it's at. Yeah, it really is.

It's just good, good people. Good people. Good people. And, like, fresh air. Fresh air. Food tastes better. Every single comedian, comedian. Every single Canadian I've met, I've loved.

Really? Yes. See, I believe that. And that's why I think Justin Bieber and I would really hit it off. I think that you should. Me, Justin Bieber, Drake. Drake. And Ryan Gosling.

Let's do this. Did you watch DeGrossey? Yeah. Okay. Of course. Of course. Me too. It was a Canadian.

All day every day. Yeah, it was so good. Whatever it takes. It's, I know I can make it through. I'm so happy that you know. that. Oh, no, it's like a cornerstone of who I am. Really? It's a big, big, huge degrassy film. I feel like you're kind of supposed to be Canadian. I think I am. Yeah. Okay, so people tell me that I, I either come off as Canadian or from New York, and I'm neither. Wait, those are two

very opposite things. I know. Where did you grow up? Here. Here. Mm-hmm. I grew up in Los Angeles. What was that like? In Hollywood. Shit. The Hollywood area. Oh, so your soul is like native, native LA grown. Yeah. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. I'm right today. Yeah. I don't I always get scared. A lot of relationships with the narcissists. Yeah. Well, same. What's my excuse? I'm Canadian. A lot of family trauma. Well, everyone's nice. So you don't know if they like you or not. You know what I mean? That's the Canadian issue. The narcissism is very sneaky. Like it shows up later where you're like, oh, they're tricky. Mm-hmm. Because they were so kind for so long. long. And then you're like, wait, you slept with my sister. Yeah. It's like there can be both.

They're like, I'm sorry. The nicest narcissist ever. Yeah. They just apologize every time they do something. I'm so sorry. Oh, I love it. Where did you get your name? I love it. How did your parents come up with it? Well, my name was going to be Paige. And so I have a weird thing with names. Okay. I am convinced that I was given the wrong name because every single person I've ever met, like, you know, when you know when you meet someone and you're like, that is a bob. Yeah. Like, that is a Michelle. That's what I think every time I look through these, um, bios for the guys, I'm like, oh, yeah. That is such a Justin B. Yeah.

I'm obsessed with, uh, there's, hold on. We'll get into it, guys. We'll get into it. But there is an Eric with a C.H. Oh. Yeah. No. Obsessed. But back to me. Yeah. Um, back to Caitlin and the right spelling of Caitlin. The correct. calic, uh, correct way. Um, because it's an Irish name. Are you Irish? I'm not. Mm. See? I'm a phony. I'm so sorry. We can't. I have to go. But do you? Well, I'm not going to let you. So do you feel like you're not a Caitlin? No. I don't. I don't feel like I look like my name. You don't look like a Caitlin. Thank you. I don't look like a Caitlin. When you said page, I was like, I actually see that. Thank you. Yeah. So I think that I was like, the energy in the room was like, she's page. She's page.

Yeah. Someone popped up and said, I think Caitlin. And my parents were like, Okay. And I just feel like I was incorrectly named. Huh. I don't even feel connected to my own name. I'm like Caitlin C-A-I-T-L-I-N. Like I just, I hate my name for myself, but I don't, like, I don't hear you know what I mean? I get that.

And I get that. I actually weirdly like my name. And I feel like a lot of people don't, but I feel connected to the name. Caitlin, you don't feel connected to the name. I don't feel connected to it. Do you feel like you're a page? I feel like I'm a page. What if?

I can't change it now. It would be so weird. That would be weird. So weird. I mean, people change their names all the time. But that would, for me, it would just be like, I don't know. I just felt like it. Like, there has to be like a reason. Well, there is. You don't feel connected to your name. You are a page. That's true. Maybe you should just throw it out there and see what happens. Like, throw it out to the internet. I'll take an Instagram poll. Take an Instagram poll. But make sure it's the first one of the story because your interaction will go up that way. Exactly. You get it. Yeah. Did you ever go by anything? else like Caitlin Katie Kate I've never that's the other thing like I've never really had a nickname you're like no page I'm up a page in my brain yeah no I never had it I mean my family calls me boo boo boo cute so that's like my name that's the password to get into my computer that's really kidding no I'm actually that's the password to get into my computer no it's not I swear to God it's boo boo boo and then numbers you gotta change it now yeah what oh I do actually just bleep it no that's weird right right That's weird. That's really weird. Oh my God. Are we going to? We are best friends. Are we? That's so weird. That is weird. That is so weird. I'm really glad we got there. I feel like we're going to have a lot of... Is your favorite color green? It's not. All right. I do like green. Well, my nails are green. I was going to say I'm obsessed with your nails. Thank you. I do like green. Maybe it is my favorite color and I just haven't gone there yet. It's your favorite color. Because I always said my favorite color is black, but that's a shade. So I don't really have a favorite color. So maybe my favorite color is green. Your favorite color is black. And that is. the color. Okay. Thank you for just to find me in that. My favorite color is green and black. Green and black. Me too. Oh my God. Whatever, whatever color wood is. Different shades of wood.

What? I don't know. Like, I'm just saying stuff now. Please do that this whole podcast. Okay. Okay. Okay. My summer has been off to a pretty good start. Lots of travel, lots of sunshine, lots of family, friends, but it's only just getting started. and no matter what your summer has in store for you, one thing is for sure. It's going to be a vibe. It's all about the good vibes over here. And when you're ready to make a good vibe even better, an ice cold, Vizzy Hard Seltzer will be waiting for you. I'm sure you guys have heard me talk on and on about Vizzy before, but it seriously is one of my favorite beverages to have on hand year-round, but especially during the summer. Their hard seltzers are honestly

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Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, Please contact Connex, Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Now, I heard you're a fan of The Bachelor. Okay, so the floor is yours. Where do I start? Okay.

I want you to... Oh, we're going to take a picture quick. One sec. You can have your, you can think about this. Wait, you're leaving me. I'm just going to leave you. I have a live mic. Live mic. Say whatever you want while I take a photo.

Okay. Well, Caitlin's leaving me. And so whatever I say now, she's not going to hear. You guys, I can't believe I came to do this podcast. This is so unprofessional. I'm literally sitting inside of a closet. There's dust everywhere. Like, I've never been on a podcast that has been more unprofessional in my entire life.

Like, seriously. I think I might sue. I might sue. Anyway, I'm really upset that Caitlin and Tasha aren't the main and official hosts of The Bachelor franchise. I'm very upset about it. I love The Bachelor very much. I feel like this is my podcast now. It's been a really long time.

Bye. Hi. I love you. I love her. I love her so much. Yeah, she loves you. No, she doesn't. I love her.

So what did you guys talk about? Dang. Nothing at all. You'll hear it later. I can't wait. I was out there just having, like, FOMO to go back in here and hear what you're saying. I said some stuff, and then I said I'm really upset that you and Tasha aren't the host of The Bachelor. Let's go there.

What the f*** happened? Are you allowed to talk about it? Yeah, sure. Or do they own your soul? They've always owned my soul. Like, since I signed up for the show, I'm pretty sure. Every time I say something, I'm like, what are you going to do? Because I've always been my, like, I'm always just going to be an open book.

And I will not, it's not like I'm like, I'm going to bite the hand that feeds me and I'm just going to take that show down. No, I fucking love the show. I want to be the host of it. Of course. I'm obsessed. Yeah. Okay. And so it is now, the show has been running for what, 25 year? No, wait. How long has it been? Well, it's 20 years, 15 years. It's been 20, 21 years. It's 21 years. Yeah. Okay. And the formula has not changed. Nope. There is still a lack of minority representation. I'm bored. I know. I know. I I'm so bored right now watching this franchise. I watch like season one. Yeah. My fan, like diehard fans go in and out, you know, depending on who we're viving with or not.

But like the fact and nothing against the current host now, he's doing a great job. He's great. He's great. He's like he's Canadian. He's Canadian. I love him. Yeah. We don't need that.

And again, I don't want him to lose his job. No offense to him. But like it would have been so interesting if a show like this was hosting. by women or a woman. I mean, who is your target audience? Women. Yeah. And also it's like just it's the same. The age bracket I think is so crazy. They keep casting the same people. It is now become an influencer factory. It's an influencer factory. It's an influencer factory. Full of people that starts with the name, the letter J. Yeah. Yeah. And ends an aelin or something. You know what I mean? It's crazy. Yeah. But,

Yeah. Like you have so many of these guys that are like 23, 24, 26. Like they, I have never met. I have never met. I want more people in their mid and even late 30s. Yeah. And I want people that have like gone through some shit. Gone through some shit. Yeah. If you, if you want to do a season where it's the young ins, do a young end season. Yeah. You're going to do an elder season. Do a young and season. Do a young and season. A normal age season. Right. But it's like it's just I, I'm so sick of watching. 20-something-year-olds. And I'm the youngest woman alive. Okay. I'm not old. How old are you? I'm the youngest woman alive. I'm 32. I just like to say that I'm the youngest woman alive. Yeah. Because I am. Yeah. Thank you. Fair enough. Thank you for your honesty. You were like, how old are you? And I'm like, is that an attack? I've gotten to the age where I feel like it's, I feel like that question is now an attack instead of just like getting to know you. Really? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you ask me that? I thought we were having a good time. I'm like, how old are you? What do you do? Fuck you. I felt that. You look me dead in the eye and he said yourself. You, Caitlin. I'm 32 years old. That's a great age.

It's a great age. As long as I'm the youngest one in the room. If you're not, I'm leaving the room. You're the youngest one in the room. What were we saying? They need to do a full bachelor overhaul and I need to take care of it. I wonder. But here's the thing.

The reason that they keep doing this is because it's worked and it has never not worked. hasn't because their viewership has gone down. But then they blame that on like cable television. And now I feel like they're starting to, and I don't know how much is real and not's real. What did I just say? Not's real. Not real. K-N-O-T-S.

I really do feel like there is a last four episode trope happening now where the same thing is happening. There have been now, what, four seasons back to back where there isn't actually a rose ceremony and someone actually doesn't get picked, but that someone else, there's this huge snap. that takes place ever since Clayton jumping the fence and we're ways in one. Yeah. It's a good joke. But yeah, like ever since that season. Yeah. And that was such a crazy thing to see because that hadn't happened in a while.

Right. That's kind of now been how every season there's there's, they're like, ooh, that really worked for us. Yeah. There's this big snafu that takes place. Yeah. That's true. You know. What is that word? Snafu.

Yeah, I've never heard it. And I like it. The synonyms for it is like ordeal, debacle, situation. I think snafu. I like that. Maybe I'm using it wrong. No. Like a, oh, I was planning the party for my dog's birthday, but, you know, the cupcakes came late.

So it was a bit of a snafu. That I think that's correctly used. Thank you for using that scenario right there. That was something that I could have related to. Yeah. Yeah. Because I actually, who's I just telling this to? Oh, I was like, what's with everybody on Instagram?

like throwing these birthday parties for their like two year olds that are like the most insane like I'm going to use Ari and Lauren for an example. Oh, I can't. A circus. They had a ringleader. They had like, it was a whole thing. And I was like, I will give my child a balloon and you'll be like, play with this. And someone said, no, you won't, Caitlin. And I was like, that's true. I actually make cupcakes for my dogs made up birthdays. My second birthday party, I think was just like my family in the backyard with a big bird cake. Yeah, big bird cake. Yeah, here's the thing.

I love babies. I want kids. I'm all about babies. I'm all about friends with babies. It's fine. I get it. I don't, and I just went to one of my good friends,

baby's birthday. And it was actually a lot of fun. But I don't care about the baby's birthday. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. But again, like, first birthdays are fun. Yeah. First birthdays are really, really fun.

Monumental. But like, 2, 3, 4, 5. There's something going on with 2, 3, 4, 5 where I'm like, I don't care. I get the fifth one. I get the fifth one. Yeah. Two, three, four.

Yeah. That's like, thirty-five. I was like, this is a big deal. 37. Who fucking cares? 40. Big deal. Yeah.

I get it. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, actually. Yeah. Yeah. We're getting a lot of ground covered here. I just want to hear your take on these guys so badly. Okay.

Should we get into it? But no, because I still said the floor was yours. So we can get into it. But do you have any other questions? Do you have anything else before we get into these? I, I feel like the. best part of the Bachelor franchise right now is Bachelor in Paradise. 100%.

It's the only because it's, um, I feel like people are, it's less produced. And I don't know when people that make shows like this are going to realize that we don't want overproduced shit. I love reality TV. Yeah. Give it to me raw. Yeah. Raw dog dirty.

Ro dog. Rod dog. Well, you're Canadian. So you have to say. That's how I, yeah. I was just trying to say it how a Canadian would. Raw dog. Yeah. 100%. That's kind of what Colton did in his season is he was like, I want to break down the fourth wall. And they kind of did that like that you could see producers running around. And Chris Harrison running down the street. Yeah, I want that. Yeah, same. I want you, Chris Harrison. I want more of Chad. I just want Chad. I just miss Chad. I'm worried about Chad still to this day. How's he doing? I don't think he's okay. Maybe he is. Maybe the joke's on us. I hope he's okay. I hope everyone's okay, honestly. I know. I'll never know that list.

Okay, well, since I'm the biggest fan of your sense of humor, let's dissect these bios and see what you say because, let's just, let's just run through it. Okay, well, okay. I want everybody who's listening to pull up the bios so that you can go through this with us and look as we break it down, break it down. Break it down now. Alec 27 wedding photographer from Houston, Texas. Now, what does it mean to be a self-proclaimed lover boy?

Because that's what he is. I it's so that to me comes off as a guy who thinks that he's really good at head but is not and unfortunately every single girl that's like slept with him is like that was really good and then they're going to come out now and be like Jesus Christ where's my vibrator I bought off Amazon yeah they've got to go yeah this is it's gonna come off like I hate men I love men I live with one yeah oh I want to I one of I one of I one of men is of dad to me what did I just say I was trying to follow and I was like I don't know what I just said

woo my dad's dead it's fine cut that out no keep it it's funny it's raw I love it's why we did we did this for him oh yeah we did and he would like that joke I have gone off the rails I'm so sorry that's why we love you

he's charismatic athletic, funny, and why lie, he loves to be the center of attention. Red flag. Immediate red flag. Loves to be the center of attention and going on a television show. We know why you're here, sir, and it's not for the right reason.

Yeah. If you have a excuse me, if you have a kick-ass personality and you do light up a room and you are kind of the life in the party, but in a way that's balanced, you are never going to say that you love to be the center of attention. Like, that is such a red flag in

anybody's personality. like gotta say love being the center of attention no bye yeah that's true even if you feel it don't say it before we go into the rest of his bio i feel like this guy has too close of a relationship with his mother too close too close as in red flag but how what is too close look like mom's boy oh we don't like those no what i kind of like those i it's there are different breeds okay there are different breeds there are those guys who are like really cute and like super respect and love and cherish their mom that's what i like yeah and then there are ones who sort of were mothered too hard and depended on that too much and now you get in a relationship oh and then you become and you become the mother

yes okay red flag yes and like the mother hates you because she's having like an interpersonal relationship with her son it like that's what i'm talking about that is so fair i've watched a lot of TikTok videos about it. Really? Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Okay, I never, um, deep dove into that. That's right.

Deep dove into that thought, but you're right. Yeah. Okay. He's looking for a passionate woman. Okay. Now I'm just like, sex addict. Yeah. Continue.

I, uh, I, uh, continue. He wants a woman who can match his drive for success and hustle alongside him to the very end. Cool. He's a wedding photographer, right? That hustle was hard. That, God, I can't think of any other business that hustles harder than that. Well, okay, there is a lot of, you're like a freelancer. That is a lot of hustle, but, babe. Oh, come on. Babe. Well, he's very much a go-getter, so, hey, my, is what he says. My boyfriend's a freelancer. I get it. I'm a freelancer. You're a freelancer. freelancer. Yeah, the hustle is real. I too want someone to hustle beside me till the end, but to the end of what? Life? I don't want to work. I don't want to work that. Yeah, I want to be done work at like 45. I don't like hustle culture. I don't like hustle culture either. I feel like it's very toxic. Yeah. He needs someone to, on the same wavelength. He says that once he's committed, he treats his partner like royalty. But before that. Once he's committed, he treats his partner like royalty. Okay, fun facts about Alec. Nothing. makes Alec happier than a fresh haircut. Weird. Well, okay, hold on. T-O-T-O. Okay. Nothing makes me happier than a fresh

manicure. Nothing? It's one of those things where I'm like, it's all going to be okay. Oh, okay. So maybe that's it. I'm trying not to judge men, but like I'm just not in the most of them right now. Everybody has to listen to this podcast as like, we're just being funny. We're not actually just trying to tear these men down. The bios are out here for us to poke fun at. Okay, so let's do it. It's really what they are here for. Alec once worked as a DJ at a roller rink. You think that they're saying that for us to be nice to him? I feel like that's something that he says on a first date and they have to be, they're, like, he thinks that the girl's going to be like, oh, my God, that's so crazy. What other reaction do you have?

Yeah. That's probably what I would say. If Alec could travel back in time, he'd go to the 1800s and be an outlaw cowboy. Also to a time where women were not respected. Okay. and there was like still a lot of whatever I'm not even going to get into it well I in a past life was an outlaw cowboy myself how do you know that because I had a past life regressor on my podcast and I was an outlaw cowboy and my brother shot me in the back and that's why I have back pains in my left shoulder blade shut the fuck up yep I did a past life regression myself and you were an outlaw cowboy no I lived in Ireland in like the 17 It was me and my father. My mother died in childbirth.

Oh. And I had fallen in love with the milk boy next door, but we, like, couldn't be together. And I think I, I think I killed myself by jumping off a cliff. That's what I remember. That sucks. I was hung. You were hung in another life. Oh, my God.

Hung in another for being a witch. Oh, that's so cool. I know. I really liked that part of my life. I want witch blood. I had it. I think I still have a little bit in me. I really want to do like an and set.

Like you know those, that TV show, Who Do You Think You Are? Although they will go into someone's genealogy. Yes. Yes. I need to do that. You should. I dying to. Have you watched our father on Netflix?

Yes. Dark. Dark. Okay. Moving on. We now have Avon. Avon? I think it's Avan.

Avan. Okay. 28 sales executive, San Diego, California. He's cute. I'm born. I'm bored. He's really cute, though. Avon's really cute. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. You said I'm bored and I'm like, he's killed. I'm so bad. What is that even sales executive? Those are those like vague bachelor jobs.

Sales executive. He for sure was an athlete who now just has a sales job. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like mad charming. He is mad charming. He's like so good at sales. I would buy whatever he was. He could sell me a ketchup flavored popsicle. And if I was wearing white gloves, what's the line? How many men in their bio are going to talk about passion? So far, all of them. Because Avan's life is fueled by it. Fueled. Fueled by passion. Wow.

That's, mine is fueled by a lot of wine. A lot of wine. A little bit of hope. A little bit of hope. And dogs. That's good. Yeah. Mine's, um, food and sleep.

Oh, oh, sleep up there. And money. And money. I love me. I love my. I love money. I love money. I love it. Should I continue on or do you want to read it? No, you go. Whether he's slaying the game, wait, hold on. Whether he's slaying the sales game at work or hooping on the weekend, Avon puts his heart into everything he does. I don't have much to say about that other than well written.

He puts his heart into hoops and sails. Yeah, he just hasn't found his perfect match, he says. Yeah. Even wants a woman who's loyal, honest, and able to organically bring out his fun side. It is not my fucking job to bring you joy. No. It's that save me thing. I need a woman to, like, save me and put light in my life.

Like, find your own light, bitch. Yeah, we're all doing it. Join us. We're exhausted getting our rights taken away. Find your own flight. God damn it. That's not up to us anymore. Hold on, hold on.

Next. She should love to travel as much as he does and will value quality time together above all else. No. I don't like that, Avin. I don't like that Avin. Seems kind of toxic. It does seem toxic. Avin wants to build a meaningful relationship that goes deeper than the surface.

And when he meets the right one, He is ready to put it all out there if it means finding his forever. Okay. Well, if he's fueled by passion, let's hope he's ready to pull it, pull it out, put it out. I watch this guy is like the next star of the franchise. He's just like, incredible. Yeah. He's not going to follow me.

He might follow me. I'm not going to have any more candy, take it away from it. Why? Because I can't talk if I'm meeting it. Oh, okay. I'm taking it away from it. It's my studio now. Avan enjoys slow dancing.

Okay. Cute. I feel like that's a really safe thing to love. Avin allows himself to eat out only once a week. Oh, he's a cooker. Wait, is that? That's not how I took it. Oh.

I took it as like he's so conscious about what he puts in his body that he only allows himself once a week to eat out. Maybe. Okay. Okay. Well, that was a really positive spin you took there. Maybe I'm just better. He also is a Yotsie champ and a Yotsie champ and describes his gameplay as intense. I've never played yachts, so I have, I have no horse in the game there.

I have and I get, my game play is intense in every game that I play and I turn into a competitive freak and it'll end relationships. So I get it. I like that. All right, Van Nuys, let's talk about Hyundai for a second. Everything is better electrified and Hyundai has the widest range of electrified vehicles on market, including their first ever Tucson and Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs. Their turbocharged engines have quiet, rapid acceleration, and you can use electric when you want or gas when you need. So it's your journey. Evolve it beyond the pump in the 2022 Tucson or Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs. Visit your nearest Hyundai dealer or learn more at HyundaiUSA.com. Call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

Oh, Brandon. Do we have anything else? Brandon spelled B-R-A-N-D-A-N. So it's Brand-A-M. It's Brand-A-M. That's a mustache. From Carlsbad, California. Okay.

It says he may be on the younger side, but he is emotionally mature beyond his years. Lies. And ready to find the one. Lice. Nobody's emotionally mature at 23. Absolutely. Even if you think you are, you're not. I have, I literally have different cells in my body from when I was in my early 20s.

Yeah. He's going to turn. 30 and feel really stupid about that comment. You were going to, on a cellular level, be a completely different person in seven years. Literally. Okay, Brandan? Yeah. You know what?

Come back to us in seven years and we'll see about that. That reminds me of like, what's the show where the kid buried someone and how to make a murderer or how to make, and his name is Brandon? And they're like, well, did you do it or not, Brandon? And it's like they're from like Fargo. I can't remember that. Oh, okay. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, in disregard.

There's a hole in my head from. the year 2020, where I kind of just, like, lost a lot of brain mass. I feel you on that. Okay. What else does he say? Open book. Once he finds the right woman, he's not afraid to put himself out there in the name of love. Why do they all say that until they find the right?

Why can't they just put themselves out there in the name of love without? I know, but it's like it's this big reveal. Like, listen, I'm not, they talk about love like it's football. Like, I'm not afraid to put myself on the line. Third quarter. 50 in the deep. Ready to go. I've got my lights on. Green light on. Ready to go. I'm ready to put myself on the line when the time is right for love. Like, are you talking about love? Or are you talking about football, Brandon? I will never not call him Brandon. Brandon. He describes himself as very adventurous. So he hopes to find someone who will say yes to whatever comes their way alongside him. What does that mean? That scares me. That scares me.

No means no, Brandon. And people that say that they're adventurous have like, literally only been to Toledo, Ohio. Like where... They went rock climbing there. Yeah. You went rock climbing once in Joshua Tree. Okay. You are not adventurous.

They're going to put him on like the most adventurous date and he's going to shit his pants and look like it. Yeah. It's going to be like, I've been in a helicopter before. Yeah. All right. They're going to make him scale down a building like they always do. Like, you know, they always have to go to the top and like conquer it together. I don't know.

I would be the worst bachelorette in history. Why? Because I wouldn't want to do anything. I'd be like, can we just sit here? Like, what? Like, I wouldn't. It's truly exhausting. I bet.

Yeah. Not only just to date that many guys. Sounds great. It's not. It's exhausting. And then to have to do all these crazy dates. Yeah, no, it's a lot. No.

Also, this is fun facts. These always remind me of, have you seen Billy Madison? Yes. When they're like, Billy likes to drink soda. Miss Lippie's car is green. Yeah. That's what he's right. Yeah.

Brandan is terrified of slug. Me too. Who enjoys a slug? I feel like some people. There's someone out there. Wasn't there like a celebrity or something? I feel like Kendall Long. Like grocery store Joe's ex.

I feel like she was like slugs. Oh, yeah. She's like, I don't know. She was into like taxidermy. Yeah. Brandan loves to go to the batting cages. Okay. Fair.

That's fair. He also loves Disneyland and goes every year on his birthday. Okay. That's cute. That's cute. That is cute. I have nothing to say about that. Yeah, I have nothing really.

say about that either. Chris 30. Chris 30. Mentality coach. Hmm. What's that? I don't know. You read him. Redondo Beach, California. I'm bored. You don't like California, guys. I don't. And I'm from here. I don't like guys from California. That's why. Yeah. From here. Yeah. Hate it. Yeah. Every time it's, they've been from California, you say you're bored.

Yeah. My man's from Texas and I'm like, yehaw. Yeah. I can't believe I just said that. Cowboys. Go Cowboys. Chris is an extremely driven person and has accomplished a lot in his life. Okay. Jesus. Humble. No one said otherwise. Have a slice of humble pie. Professionally, he knows what his goals are and exactly what he needs to do to accomplish them.

Okay. American Psycho. But when it comes to love, the journey is just the beginning. Isn't it just Chris? Chris is looking for someone ambitious, compassionate, and secure. she should support Chris as he chases his goals, but also work hard to accomplish the goals she has for herself. That's called just a relationship, I think. That's just what we all would hope for. You don't need to say it. Right.

And that's another thing. Like guys on the show are like, I really want a woman who, you know, is like driven and like, you know, supports me. But like I also support her. So a relationship. Oh, shit. Mm-hmm. Okay.

He needs a woman who will love him for the heart. hard worker he is and not complain as the two of them work together towards greatness. Not complain. He's got, you know what he has past relationship issues with women who don't like how hard he works because he probably chooses work over them. I think he's a narcissist. I think he's a narcissistic overworking. I'm getting narcissism vibes here.

Okay. That's what I'm getting. Chris loves, in all caps, loves mangoes. Okay. Chris has written two books and says he is. His own favorite author, narcissist. Narcissist. What did I say, bitch?

You called it. You called it. When asked what Chris fears in life, he says, I don't choose fear. Go fuck yourself, Chris. I don't like Chris. I don't like Chris. He's got a nice smile, though. I do like his smile.

Gorgeous man. Gorgeous man. I don't choose fear. Oh, God. They're 100% putting him on a date where he's going to be so fair. I think he's going to be the villain. I think he's going to be the villain. Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay. Next, we have Colin. Collin? Yeah, right? Maybe it's pronounced colon. Colin, 36, sales director, Chicago, Illinois. Okay. Should I go? Yeah. Okay. I prefer you reading this. Really? More entertaining. Oh, okay, cool. Colin lives for the thrill of experience. Travel is his thing, and he hopes to find someone who wants to experience everything the world has to offer right alongside him. Cute.

Cute. He says that his perfect woman is self-awful. Interesting choice. Self-aware, courteous and fun. I love it when people say self-aware because that is like a thing. Yeah. I really do feel like that's a thing. What do you mean? It's a thing.

Like, people that aren't self-aware, I just think are shit people. I totally agree. You know what I mean? Yes. You have to be like self-deprecating and self-aware. Like you can you can fuck up. You can make mistakes. You can kind of be a pain in the ass.

But if you're self-aware, like, okay, fine. Totally. You know. It's my excuse anyways. Right. Same. Like, babe, I'm self-aware. I'm so self-aware, though.

I know I'm being an asshole right now, but I'm self-aware. Yeah. Yeah, and courteous and fun. Colin goes on to say, she should have a good head on her shoulders, appreciate romantic gestures, and, of course, be up for adventure. I love it how all of these men just love adventure. It's like they're fucking Indiana Jones. Colin is not looking to be the passenger on someone else's train and wants to find a connection that is truly a partnership. Okay.

But what if you are the passenger on someone else's train? You're going to be dating the Bachelorette. You're going to be engaged to the Bachelorette. You are going to be the passenger for a while. But that's the thing. So are you in it for, like, what if you fall in love with someone who has this career that, like, blows up, whether it's in entertainment, fame or like otherwise? Yeah. What if she's the breadwinner?

Right. What if she's the breadwinner? Yeah. That should be okay. Yeah. I don't like that he said that. I don't, yeah. Because that, then he said that is, that is truly a.

partnership. Well, truly a partnership would be there to support the other one if they're freaking shining and you have to take a back seat for a minute. Right. That guy's not going to last if he, I had that. Oh, no, night one. He's gone. Gone. Yeah. He's a dinosaur is 30 sex. Oh, yeah. They don't last. Yeah, they don't last on this on this show. The show. Let's read his fun facts. Fun facts. Colin would love to visit the International Space Station. I don't know why I don't like that. I can't explain to you why I don't like that. I just know that I don't. I, for some reason, I'm like, oh, you want to go to space? I don't. I just don't like it. You're not, yeah, well, people who chew with their mouth open make Colin cringe. I can feel that. Yeah. I get that.

Colin was the founding member of his high school's breakdancing club. That's cute. Well, Colin just turned the beat right around for me. I think that's fun and cute. That is a fun fact. Oh. I want to have like a dance off of him. Yeah. He would lose. He looks like a like a cabin hubby. A cabin hubby. Let's buy a cabin together.

He looks like the lead of a lifetime film where they fall in love in a cabin and it's called like cabin Christmas. I was just going to say a Christmas, something Christmassy. Yeah. He does look like he could be in a Christmas movie 100%. Yeah. Okay. Eric. This is my favorite.

Eric spelled E-R-I-C-H. So it's Eric. Why did they do that to him? Why did they do him dirty like that? Maybe it is Erich. Oh. Jokes on us. Interesting.

Erich, 29. He's cute. He's cute. Fish. Let's kill. Listen, I don't want to judge people's looks. I feel like that's really not okay. Erich, 29 real estate analyst, Bedminster, New Jersey.

Interesting. Interesting. Eric is a handsome guy who's quite confidence is hard to ignore. Mm-hmm. Okay. he describes himself as low-key, funny, outdoorsy, and a bit mysterious with a fun side. So basically, this guy doesn't talk until episode 8 is what I'm gathering. Wait, say that again?

He describes himself as low-key, funny, outdoorsy, and a bit mysterious with a fun side. I've seen the word mysterious and quiet in two different sentences. Yep. So this is the quiet type. I'm calling it. I'm confused. Yeah. You know?

But do you think he, you think this guy's quiet? I think so. I'm just calling it. I mean, they've, okay. Your witch blood is speaking. My witch blood is speaking. Okay. When it comes to relationships, Erich, it's probably Eric, I'm so sorry.

Erich acts with intention and is looking for the real deal. Huh. He doesn't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship and says that the next time he commits is for the long haul. Now, that's a little unrealistic. You don't know that. But who knows? Who knows? He's 29.

His perfect partner is easygoing, selfless and communicative. Okay. And while he says he doesn't have a type, he often finds himself attracted to taller women. Why is that? Why do you like taller women? Yeah. That, it always has to come from somewhere. Yeah. Why? Maybe it's because he's really tall. Maybe. But if he's like five, four. That would be hilarious. I hope he is. He loves doing the unexpected and finds joy in making someone feel special. I'm so bored. Above all, Eric hopes to find his best friend and someone with whom he can spend like that one calling time with him. It sounded like, he Googled, he Googled what to say you want while going on The Bachelorette. Yeah. If you had told me two and a half years ago today that I would be standing in front of my bride, Jessica, I would have never believed you. Not only are you beautiful, selfless, you're my best friend. Like that.

That's exactly what he's going to say if he ends up being the one and he's proposing. We have it recorded here and we're going to compare notes. Also, I'm already not excited to read his fun facts because I feel like that. I honestly just want to go through the fun facts Of only just the fun facts I know Fun facts Eric has no interest in going to an escape room

Why escape rooms are a lot of fun They are fun Maybe he'll cost her fallback Well if you're claustrableback You can still go in an escape room This is emboldened Eric likes his wine Both red and white

That's probably embolded Because my producers We're probably like Kaelin he likes wine You like wine You like this guy But what about blue wine Um, um, it's very un-American of him.

Yeah. You like red, white, you like, white, white, but like that blue. But are you Canadian? Interesting. Eric dreams of seeing the Northern Lights in person. Me too. I get that. We've probably both got Nordic blood. Wow. Really? Yeah. Well, where I grew up, they had them. Alberta. Because you grew up in Canada. I learned six months ago that the Northern Lights moved. What? I thought they were idle.

What? I thought they were idle like clouds. didn't move and undulate. Would they just appear in nowhere? Just like... I thought that they were like colorful clouds that like didn't move. But I learned that they danced. Yeah, I didn't know they danced.

Yeah. I did know that. They do. They dance. I got to see them, well, all growing up, but I also got to see them in Iceland. And it was magical. I'm dying to go to Iceland. It was magical.

You have to go. Yeah. Fun fact. Caitlin wants to go to Iceland. One day. She has never seen the Northern Lights. I love to see them. What would your fun facts say about you on your bio?

Caitlin is legally blind. Are you really? Yes. Caitlin is deathly allergic to cats. And Caitlin's favorite TV show of all time is six feet under. Those are, that's all. Those are fun facts. Yeah.

I always wanted to know what people, their limo entrance would be. What would be your limo entrance? Oh, my God. Okay, so I would leave the limo. Yeah. I'd start walking up, be like, hi, and then I'd fall really, really hard. Okay. Like, splay out.

Like chip a tooth, maybe? Not chip a bit. Yeah, and then I would just lie there lifeless for like, for like five minutes just to see what he does. Just to see what he would do. Like even if he was coming up and shaking you, you'd still, like, just be like limp body. Yeah. And then once I was, like, in his arms, I'd be like, ah, I was kidding.

Oh, God. You just have seen your face. Anyway, I'm Caitlin. It's so nice to meet you. I'll see you inside. Either this works out or I freeze my eggs. And then I just walk in the house. That's what I would do.

I love that. I'd be like, I already have my eggs frozen, so don't worry about it. I want to, I think everyone should freeze her eggs. Everyone in the world should. Hayden loves baked potatoes. Are we on Hayden? Wait. I thought we were on.

Wait, I'm on Beth. I'm on Ethan. We're on Ethan. We're on Ethan. I accidentally scrolled and I. I saw baked potatoes and I got really excited about reading that fun fact. Okay. Ethan.

Ethan. Go on. I'm reading now. Ethan 27 advertising executive New York, New York. Interesting. Ethan is a hopeless romantic. He's not afraid to wear it's hard in his sleeve. Ford.

He loves his life in New York City, but is at the point in his life we're going out until 4 a.m. is of no interest. And he would rather spend his life whining and dining a woman who is just as ready to settle down as he has really long run on sentence. And also, like, what am I? Yay, you don't want to go until 4.30 in the morning anymore. Also, I just feel like you're the kind of guy that probably has this really nice swanky apartment in New York City. Or you don't.

And you, like, live in a hole in a wall. And, like, there's a rat in your apartment that's just there. And you kind of just accepted that. Yeah. He credits his mother with teaching him to value a woman's love. And that, thanks to her, he enjoys making a woman feel special and appreciated. Thanks, Mom. I just don't like the mom talk.

Yeah. I think when it's like really present, I'm like, Rie, Raymond Bates, I swear to God. I get it. I get it. Now you pointed it out. Now I feel that way.

I'm like, oh, God. Yeah. You're obsessed with your mom. My mom told me that, you know, you got her to be a woman with respect. So, like, that's why I, That's why we're a condom. Wait.

Wow. Groundbreaking. Is that Shakespeare? Okay. I don't get what they mean when they say will the stars be aligned and make his way out of the limo twinkle, twinkle, Ethan? Ew. No, no. Fun facts.

Ethan says he is the king of Monopoly. Well, that's a friend. I am the queen of Monopoly. Ethan's perfect breakfast is pancakes and hash browns extra crispy. That sounds. Oh, God. Oh, God. What?

This is his last fun fact. Immediate Red Flag goodbye. Watching Entourage cheers Ethan up when he's down. So just to explain why I hate this fun fact. There's nothing wrong with the show Entourage. It's a great show. Yeah. My Red Flag is the people who say that that's their favorite show.

Yeah. Like those dudes out there that's like, my favorite show? Every guy is like this for some reason. I swear to fucking God, my favorite show and the whole fucking Rose Entourage. gosh. Bye. And their favorite movie is Gladiator. Yeah.

Or Reservoir dogs. Reservoir dogs. Well, you've never seen reservoir dogs? Okay. Have you at least seen train spotting? Like, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years. And every week, he's like, do you want to watch train spotting this week? And I'm like, no.

I don't. I'm spitting. I'm so mad. Nothing against you in McGregor. Okay. Are we on Hayden? Oops, I forgot about Hayden, which is funny because I was obsessed with Hayden Christensen for like 15 years of my life. Really? What changed?

Well, you can't just be obsessed with somebody for 15 years. I still am. I still am. Okay. I love him. Yeah. He's cute. I love him. A lot. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I don't know where I went. You really? You kind of had an out-of-body experience there. I really did. God damn. I love that man. That's sweet, sweet Canadian man is Canadian. See? God damn it. Slide into his DM. See if he says it. He doesn't have Instagram.

Oh, hot. Yeah. That's hot. He's so mysterious. Hayden, 29, leisure executive, Tampa, Florida. His biography, with a bit of the accent and a lot of charm, Hayden is proud of his southern roots. I wouldn't call for, like, the South. Tampa? It's like the penis of the country.

He tries not to take life so seriously and loves to golf, hit the beach, and work. his magic on the grill. Oh. Cute. I'm like, no, but like, cute, like funny cute. Like, I'm like, aw. Hit the beach and work his magic on the grill. I just think it was funnily worded. Like, like, cutie patootie. Okay. Kutty. Whatever. I'm just, I'm really like, um, hating on all of them a lot. No, me too. Okay. He considers himself to be very romantic and enjoys planning extravagant dates to make his partner feel special. Hayden is looking for a thoughtful and trustworthy woman who appreciates him for the man he is, even on his worst days. Oh, God. she also must love dogs done i don't understand why men think that loving dogs is a whole entire

personality trait it is i'm never coming here again um she also must love dogs because hayden and his good boy rambo oh are a package deal okay no one is getting a ring on their finger without Rambo's approval. Let's get this potty started. Who came up with that? I hope not him. I'm done. Yeah. I think we should just cut the episode here. I think we should. Not until we read as fun facts because Hayden loves a baked potato. He loves baked. See, I like Hayden. I really do. I do. I do. I think it's funny that he says, I like a baked potato. I like, I love baked potatoes. Like, yes. Yeah. Yes. Who the doesn't? If you don't? I'm worried about you.

Yeah. Everybody likes a baked potato. Like, I don't want a guy to be like, oh, I love, I love green juice. Bye. Grillion streamed broccoli. Oh, do you get my macros in there? Bye. Do you eat French fries?

Get over here, you cuddly little bear. Sit on my lap. Hayden likes to end his day with a dip in the hot tub. I just, I kind of, and look at Hayden's face. Okay. I like Hayden. Okay. Okay. Hayden loves country music and like to drive at stagecoast. I don't like that's where he loses me. That's where he loses me. I am not a country girl. I am a city rat. I'm a city rat. I like land, but you like land?

Like I picture myself living on a lot of land. Yeah. Yes. I would love a farm one day. I would love a farm. I love, that's what I said to Chris Souls when I came out of the limo and he was the bachelor. I love farm. I love farm. Jacob. Jacob. I'm here. 27. Mortgage brokers. Scottsdale, Arizona. I am very wary of men from Scottsdale, Arizona. Tell me more. I get heby-jeeb vibes. Why? Scottsdale is one of those areas where it is just like party city. It is party city. Scottsdale, Arizona bait. Like, it's just, I also hate Arizona. Oh. My sisters live in Arizona, but like, I hate it.

Okay. I hate Arizona. I'm not. I like Arizona. I hate it. What is there to like? Well, only because my mom and my stepdad had a place out there and I always really enjoyed going there. But that's pretty much it.

It was only during a certain time of year. And I was just like, I was during the summer. No, no. Winter and summer. Okay. Terrible. It's 135 degrees. No.

Dry still heat. Yeah. You feel like there's no oxygen left in the world. I wouldn't like that. It's terrible. No. but for some reason I have a good feeling about Jacob. Okay. Only because, well, let's read his bio and I'll tell you why. Okay. Jacob knows exactly what he wants in a wife. He admits he's picky, but since he's looking for a love to last a lifetime, he doesn't see that as a bad thing. Jacob's ideal wife will turn heads with her look. Wait, I don't like him. I don't like him. Wherever she goes and have beauty on the inside that matches. What about when she's old and wrinkly and gray and not cute anymore? Yeah. Oh, God, it's killing my head. Yeah. Oh, I hate it here.

I'm joking. I'm joking. For Jacob, for Jacob, keeping his fitness routine in check is high on the priority list. Okay, no. This is, I liked him when I read his fun facts. I didn't read the biography because now I hate him because everything has been about appearance so far. You cannot judge a book by its cover. Oh, no. Jacob is ready to let his guard down when he meets someone who checks all of his boxes. Go for yourself, Jacob. Jacob Mortgage broker I'm so disappointed in Jacob

You don't have to have those on I will now my hair looks bad Yes it does My hair looks like ass And you know it My hair looks like ass and you know it My hair looks like ass

And you know it I look like trash And you know it And you want to be prettier than me Because it's your podcast So you don't want me To wear the headphones I know where I am

Yeah but see you look Everyone looks cuter without the headphones Thank you. Okay. Fun facts. Damn. Yeah, now these are ruined. Jacob reads 30 to 40 books a year.

That is not possible. And what is he reading? Are they like scholastic books? Scholastic. Like, is he reading like the Hardy Boys? Jacob loves to camp in national parks, okay? Jacob doesn't eat cake. Why did I like him?

I'm so embarrassed. This is why you were the bad. match the ride. Because I liked guys like Jacob and that makes good TV. Are you kidding me with this guy? He doesn't eat cake and he's all about his appearance and he reads 30 to 40 books a year. And by 30 to 40 books a year, I think he's talking about like men's fitness magazines. If you're reading to 30 to 40 books a year, you're not doing anything else. That's true. Please get to James. Unless it's just like hard for me to read. It takes me like a month and a half to read a book. Same. Even if I can't put it down, I'll fall asleep or I'll think about something else. Yeah. Yeah. I won't remember what I read. Oh, God. I'm exhausted. James 25. You guys want to know what his job is? I can't. He's a meatball enthusiast. What does that even mean? So he doesn't have a job. It means you're unemployed. That's what it means. James is a charmer with dimples. So cute that you can't help but smile. I mean, they're good dimples. They're good dimples. But like, I don't care. I got a job. He is ready to find someone to bring home to meet his loving Bigot. family and says that he hopes to find someone that will care about him just as much as he cares about them. He's looking for a relationship with undeniable chemistry and wants to find his best friend with whom

he can build an amazing life with. He also wants six kids. Settle down. So his future bride, I don't like it when I don't like that. I don't like it when guys say bright. Future bride. I don't like that. It feels very handmaid's tail to me. That's exactly what I don't like it. Yes. Don't say

bride. Don't say woman. Off James. Yeah. Of James. is it? Of James. Of James. Yeah. Future Bride should be ready and excited for the nonstop thrill ride that is parenthood. Why? Because you're going to be enthusiastic. Wow. I can't It's Monday. It's Monday. You're right. I've been moving all day. I've literally been doing manual labor since 8 a.m. Well, then you have every excuse in the book. That's why you should be

drinking. For James, it's all about family and bringing someone into an Hans has already wonderful life. And really, who could ask for anything more? His fun facts. James is a huge LeBron James fan. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. James loves to water ski. I'm bored. Nothing makes James happier than a plate of piping hobby balls. I saw that one coming. I really saw that one coming. The next one makes me laugh because it's Jason investment banker, which is what my Jason was when he went on the show. I literally feel like I match with this guy and Bumble a few years ago. I'm not kidding.

For real? where I got. Um, well, no, no, no, he's there. He's younger than me. So I, I, I would never. Um, Jason 30 investment Baker, Santa Monica, California. I'm bored. Jason is a relationship kind of guy. He loves love and is ready to find a woman with whom to laugh and grow through life. He's never the loudest guy in the room, yet still somehow has an undeniable presence about him. He loves to surf, dance, and play tennis. Jason is looking for a woman who is adventurous, trustworthy, and down to enjoy a few drinks while the sun sets. I'm bored.

He values authenticity and says that when he finds the one, the vibes. I'm sorry, I just had a stroke. The vibes will tell him all he needs to know. Gabby and Rachel, you hear that? Good vibes only. He wouldn't like me, then. Gabby won't like this, dude. No.

Fun facts. Jason loves to tour historical homes. What? Okay. Why? fun history you know whatever um Jason hates Coca-Cola okay Jason's favorite pastime is stargazing this guy is as boring as dirt sorry yeah I feel like they like choose these things they're like I'm as romantic as humanly possible but it just strips away at their personality like what's your what's your favorite thing to do Jason and he's like I he's like he's like he's like, I love stargazing. I bet he's never stargazed in his life.

Yeah. He lives in Santa Monica. You know how much light pollution is in the city? He hasn't seen a star in 15 years. Get over yourself. Come on. Jason investment banker. Sounds like someone I know.

Okay. The next guy. Joey 24 twin. Brookfield, Connecticut. This guy literally looks 12. He also looks like he would be a twin. I don't know why. Some people look like they're twins.

Yeah. He looks. Yeah. Yeah. Also, he's 24. Yikes. Joey is a lovable goofball. When he's not out looking for love, he loves to hit the clubs in New York City for a night out with the boys or spent time at home unwinding from a hard day's work with his identical twin brother, Justin.

This young man. is should not be here no i don't know why i'm reading this it don't let's skip them but okay i'm i'm not going to give this young young sweet twin the time of day but we're going to read his fun facts right yeah nothing makes joey happier than winning hmm you're gonna lose life is gonna be rough yeah my boy uh if joey could he would live off of cheeseburgers he is such a bro i can't handle it joey loves go-carting i think joey's my favorite I think Joey's going to be good TV. I'm going to put them right up right up. Wait, the other twins here, too. No!

Shut up. We have twins. Joey and Justin. We have twins. Justin Y. Because if you don't know this, there are 32 bachelors with J names in this season. And four of them are Justin's. Justin Y. 24 other twin, Brookfield, Connecticut. Oh no. Let's see the difference in these two. Justin Why is the life of the party. He is a hardworking go-getter who enjoys clubbing in New York City's hottest spots with his favorite wingman, his identical twin brother Joey. This is like the same bio. Justin Y describes himself as attentive and loyal and says he's ready to settle down when he meets the right one.

Fun facts. Justin Y. wants to learn how to salsa dance. Justin O.W. loves the Lakers. I also love the Lakers. If Justin White could live in any other decade, he would choose the early 90s because apparently that is like now a cool, like, nostalgic time. Yeah, yeah, because the 90s are coming back with style and everything so everyone likes to pretend. Like I vividly remember 1997. I don't like, I don't. Dude, I'm freaking out. We have like 80 more to go. We don't have time. I'm going to be here until 8 p.m. We don't have time. What time is it? It's 6 o'clock. I have to go. I have shit to do.

We aren't even halfway through guys. Wait, okay, I'm just going to handpick. I'm just going to handpick something. Okay, handpick. Okay, hold on. We have Zach 25, Anaheim Hills. He's a tech executive. Fun fact.

Zach would love to be Spider-Man for a day. Bye. Zach doesn't like breakfast. Bye. Eggs, no, wait, eggs make him uneasy. Is that the one? Eggs don't agree with him. Why, why are you got to say that?

Just say you don't like breakfast. Now we're all picturing you shitting your pants after eggs. That's gross. Zach loves beach volleyball and is a master of the top gun high five. Okay, bye. You guys, my body suit is a thong and it is so far up my ass right now. I'm also sweating. I literally like can't think anymore.

I can't. I'm scrolling so much and being like this. Wait, why does Robbie look familiar? Because he is. Robbie looks like everybody's brother. Looks like he would be cast as the star of a Ted Bundy musical and an off-off-off-Broadway musical about Ted Bundy. I've, you've never described someone more perfectly in your life. Robbie 33.

He's a magician. See? I do it. Yeah. He looks like a magician. What? I know this person. No, you don't.

I swear to God. No, you don't. I swear to God. How? I took I took improv class with this person no I swear to God oh my God I swear to God I knew he looks familiar we are Facebook friends I swear to God I know this man what is he doing on the bachelor he got yelled at in our improv class once because he wouldn't stop playing with cards because he's a magician he's a magician I can't believe this he's a night one he's going to pull him I think he

I think his name's Roby. I think it's pronounced Roby. Yeah. Did you say Robbie? Roby. Yeah, Roby. It's Roby. Yeah, I know this man.

I know this man. Wow. I know this man. Okay. I can't believe this is happening. Okay. Roby 33 magician Los Angeles. He and I met.

We were friends in class. What the... You've got to reach out. Roby is an impressive and accomplished magician. He is a very good magician. Okay. He worked at the Magic Castle. I don't want to blow up his spot.

Who has stories of unconventional life experiences known would believe. Having grown up traveling across the globe, he's a man of the world who can tell you anything in French. I remember that. He did speak French. I can't believe I know this guy. That's actually really crazy.

He's smart, well-read, and an expert conversationalist. He's very kind. I always liked Roby. I can't, I all, like, literally, when I was coming on the podcast, I was like, what if I knew one of these guys? And you do. Roby.

I'm so sorry that I said. said that he looked like he could be the star of a Ted funding musical. I'm so sorry. Well, the pictures never do them justice. This I, it doesn't look like him. It looks like a very young and maybe Botoxed Jack Black. Yeah. Like, these are also just as a whole horrendous pictures. I can't, I hate that we can't get through everybody. I hate it. I can't believe I know one of these guys. That is really crazy. I mean, you're bound to know someone. They're all from California. What a reveal. That would be, I'm putting myself in your position being like, if I knew someone that I was like, I can know this guy.

No one really stood out to me where I was like, oh, here we go. Johnny. Oh, this guy's. Johnny 25. No. From Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Johnny is a laid back simple man who wants to find love just like the rest of us. Right, Johnny?

Glass of Johnny. Hanging out with his huge, crazy Italian family. He's surfing with the boys or taking advantage of any free time to play his next. travel adventure. Why are they all the same? Johnny's perfect woman is intelligent, outgoing, and athletic. She'll also have good hygiene and love Barry White and Frank Sinatra as much as he does. You're due to... Good hygiene. Then I'm out. So I know what you were thinking. You're like, of course you want good hygiene. I was thinking the opposite. I was like... Well, I don't, I think it's weird when you need to, like, like he doesn't... Can you go wash up? Like, what the fuck is

wrong with you men are disgusting yeah they are so if there's if there is a man at any point who's ever going to be like um can you like clean out jail immediate jail get the out of here do you know how disgusting penises are disgusting horrifying yeah what like what have we subjected ourselves to i'm not sure fun facts about johnny johnny's childhood dream oh god what is it was to be a rapper this is why I picked this guy same though I don't know if you can see but this was like this was the one for me that's Johnny the one as in that you want to make fun of the most or the one that you want to win yeah like the one that need like this we needed to address this yeah we need to address it Johnny loves to make corny jokes

wow groundbreaking life changing Johnny loves fishing that's what I mean like these is the same shit, different cast. Like, it's the same people over and over again. Every single white dude looks the same. Yeah. Half of them are too young. Yeah. And my favorites never get picked. Yeah. Ever. Yeah. Except for the last season, I really do love Susie. Oh, Susie's amazing. I love Susie. Yeah. She follows me on Instagram and we talked a couple weeks ago. She's funny. But I also love the other girls, too. That was a tough season. It was a tough season. It was a really tough season. That was impossible. That last couple of episodes was hell on earth to watch. Oh, I didn't even know if I enjoyed it. Like, I like a dumpster fire on television. And that, to me, it was just, like, painful. It was such a dumpster fire. It was like, un, like, I felt, I, like, felt uncomfortable. Me too. Yeah. Yeah, the whole time. Like, I was fast forwarding through awkward silence. Yeah. No, no. Oh, God. I hate how fast this went. And I hate that we have to go. Oh, no. I want to come back. This is so much fun. I mean. And can you believe this is the first time we're meeting? No. I feel like I've known you forever since you were just a little page coming out of the womb.

No. You are a page. I'm a page. I think I might call you page because I'm Caitlin and I feel like you're not Caitlin. I'm page. You call me page. I will call me page for the rest of my life. Great. Well, thank you for doing this and coming here. And you can definitely come back. Can we do, can we do Bachelor episode of Recaps? Yeah. Oh, oh, 1,000 percent. Yes. Yes. We are all nodding our heads. Yes. I'm so excited. Absolutely. It's so fun. And I would I would love to have you come on for Bachelor recaps. Yay. Okay. That's Sounds great. Where can everybody find you? You can find me on Instagram at Hi, Caitlin Riley. My name is spelled correctly. And you can find me on TikTok. It's Caitlin Hello. I think I have a YouTube. Oh. I don't know. I don't care. Probably your name. Just find me somewhere. I'm out there. We'll Google you. Yeah. Okay. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for joining us for this week's grape therapy. Don't forget to rate.

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