Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Bachelorette(s) LWT & Sarah Nicole Landry Live

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

All the peeps are included in today’s episode: the humble podcast producers, Sarah Nicole Landry AKA The Birds Papaya, and DJ Jizz Face AKA Blake Horstmann (if you know, you know). First up, Kaitlyn and her producers give their LukeWarm (debatably ice cold) Thoughts (LWT) on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette(s), dive into a very important comment on KB’s Instagram, and give the lowdown of what happened at their live OTV watch parties. Then, it's time for Sarah Nicole Landry at the Toronto live podcast – a very special treat for the earholes of those Vinos who weren't able to attend IRL! They catch up and get real about everything from friendship to intimacy to relationships, and give some sexy confessions. Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. This episode of Grape Therapy is brought to you by Hyundai and the 22 Tucson and Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs. Learn more about the widest range of electrified vehicles at Hyundai.usa.com. Wine. It's time for Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Welcome to your weekly session. Caitlin and friends are here to share unfiltered advice, lots of laughs, and some major breakthroughs.

So put your feet up, pop a cork, and get ready for some grape therapy. We've been sitting here talking for like 10 minutes about dumb shit. That would be great for people's ear holes. And I just decided to hit record now because might as well. I am back with my producers to talk about this week's episode of The Bachelorette. And before we dive into our lukewarm thoughts, we need to talk about something. We need to talk about a few things because, first of all, you just told me I was nominated for the American Influencer Awards podcaster of the year. So, no me.

That's pretty exciting, I guess. I'm going to insert some clapping sound effects here. Oh, yeah. Put in some loud cheers, some clapping. Maybe a couple booze just to humble me out. Who you stink That's always laughing when I'm at like a hockey game Or like any sporting event

And it's like a bunch of grown adults like yelling like You suck And you're like you're a grown adult What are we doing? But anyways that's cool Okay so who else is in my category Okay so the podcast almost adulting Coffee Convo's Pod

Morbid podcast And then Zane and Health Or no I'm sorry I'm a fucking idiot Zane and Heath Zane and health Okay, well that's cool So how could people vote

Put it in our bio in on the off vine page too Yeah, I'll link it in the bio But they And I'll just post it'll be easier I'll just post it off the vine story with a link Yeah, Zane and health Yeah Speaking of you being an idiot

Just kidding Literally The biggest idiot Alicia text us Saying that she's a loser and that no one was at the bar that we told them to go to. So you're like, I'm just sitting here with my sister and my mom. And I was like, what are you talking about? And you're like, watching the bachelor? Like, I was going to interview people. And I was like, oh, you're actually following

through with this from last week. That's amazing. You literally said you guys have to follow through. You always have these ideas. You never do it. So then we go to the bar and you're like, wait, you're actually there. Yeah. And you're like, I don't believe you. I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. Like, I'm here. Were you guys high again? I was not. No Alicia's Winking No

I had a couple glasses of some hard kombucha It's got real Frisky Oh shit Hardcom That already fucked me up Without the alcohol in it

Yeah You got real frisky Okay so And if people saw I sent you both a sweater That says higher than giraffe Which I got one for myself Which we should be

We should all be wearing them right now But we're not But that's okay did people comment on your shirts like when they saw you were they like wow that shirt is aggressive I actually I went to Walgreens before because I wanted to see if they had like a mini mic because I was like I'm like showing up with nothing like I'm literally coming to this bar I've nothing prepared I have I don't know what I'm doing and I had two people that like looked at me and one was like a I'd like an older dude he's like nice shirt so that was it other than that no no one

commented on it. I took a picture with a 12-year-old in it, though. Okay. Yeah, but did you understand the shirt? I don't know if he did. He was with his older, so his, okay, taking a step back, you posted on Instagram. Yeah. And you were like, come to this bar, come to varsity in Sun Prairie. Alicia's there. I had three people actually show up after that. So that was great. That was really nice. One of them was this young, I don't know, he was probably like 10 to 12 years old. Oh my God. that's hilarious anyways yeah and then a very cute couple who she owns like a bakery in madison called like micky's bakes and she showed up with her boyfriend and they brought me a little like box of pastries yeah that was cute you FaceTime me and then your phone died but you face time me I was literally in lobster pajamas doing a hair treatment and was like hey nice to meet you thanks alicia for FaceTiming me yeah and then my phone died and in front of everybody and they were like pit not piss they were but they left it was embarrassed it was they were like all we wanted was katelyn oh my gosh and they got well they got me in a very raw

vulnerable state so yeah that's that's the state when that people don't well yeah i'm always wrong vulnerable but that was really like i might as well have just been like on the toilet and everyone was like this is exactly what we expected when when she like picked up the phone so it was it was also madison what was your experience in san diego okay so i show up to this club like it's a club okay i'm too old to be there so i show up and i'm like showing my ID to get into this club because it's club and there's two security guards and one of them's like i really like your shoes and i was like thanks and then another one was like i really like your pants and so the only thing they didn't comment on was my t-shirt like they just they just ignored the shirt then

I like went to the back of the bar, sat down at a table completely by myself, ordered a drink. And then like 10 minutes later, these two really cute girls turned to me and they were like, Madison? Because they saw the shirt. And I was like, yeah. And they're like, do you want to come sit with us? I was like, yes, please. I'm so lonely. So then I had four people that I know of show up. There were other people there, but I didn't want to be like, you guys here for me or are you just hanging out with your friends? friends but four people that I that I know that's really cute first of all I'm really embarrassed because Instagram has already been humbling me like a lot lately with not letting people see or like my things or maybe they do and they just don't like it but the fact that only like three and four people showed up to talk to you guys I'm embarrassed I mean it was really last minute notice on a Monday like people were probably already watching the show that's true it was like and it's also like they didn't want to hang out with us like you weren't there It was just me and Alicia.

Yeah, but that's funny. But the fact that you went to a bar and that you were wearing a shirt that says, I'm higher than giraffe pussy right now. And they complimented your shoes and pants. Yeah. I was like, really? That's what we're going to focus on right now? Look at this.

Like, this is my look. Okay. So what happened? What were the people's takes? Like, what did people say? I didn't really get many hot takes. I did walk up to a table and ask for some. And there was, it was very cute.

I feel bad because I think I put her on the spot. she was so nervous she's like i really don't want to talk i'm like oh that's okay i'm like it's okay so i just walked away so that was embarrassing our plan and according to plan it humbled us and it was a nice little and you know what everyone's got to keep us humble so this is good for us right yeah i was very humbled i felt like i got stood up at prom all i have written down is so there are two travel nurses there amy and kairia and they they they wrote in my phone. I said, write your hot takes and they wrote, we don't like Hayden, which is fair. And then they also said that, they said that Jason used to work at the bar

where we were watching it, but I fact checked that this morning. I'm sorry to call you guys out. It was actually the guy who, Jacob, who didn't wear like a shirt ever. Oh, he used to work at Mavericks. The horse guy? So, yeah. You guys who like came in on a horse? Oh, okay. Yeah. And then there was Debbie, she said that Gabby looked like she was wearing a shower cap. Yeah. with the beret which is accurate um and then there was natalia who do you know you know the shrink chicks she's one of their therapists but she lives in san diego oh so she came no hot takes from her other than that tina was really hot i'm sorry natalia you didn't say that i could say that on the podcast but you think that tina's really hot but everyone thinks that right it was very good looking oh actually kately

what i met a woman who wants to steal your man oh good Did she actually, and did she think she has a shot? She was saying, no, no, I don't think she thinks she has a shot at all. No. Very, she was very much talking him up and that she was in love with him. She'll be mine a long time ago. When Becca refused him, I'm like, what the hell is she doing? Look at this.

Oh, so she's like 70. Is she nuts? I'm like, oh my God, he is hot. The older ladies love Jason. I was like, um, okay. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. Okay, well, yet again, this episode was an absolute shit show.

Now, I keep feeling so stupid for having this lukewarm take because I bet if Gabby and Rachel are like listening to me bitch about this, what if they're like, actually, we had a great time and we like got through it together and we're really happy right now. So stop shitting on our season. I don't mean to do that. I'm just like trying to stand up for them. But the Black Chalorettes. wrote me on Instagram after I posted last night and I said, how do we feel about this? I love both of these women. I don't have a team.

There shouldn't be teams. There should be connections. And I'm asking myself the same thing. Why are we branding it this way? I want to believe it's all worth it. If they are happy, I just disagree with the journey to get there. P.S. I still love this franchise because don't sue me.

It's a weird relationship always has been. And the Blackchlorad said, this, this, this. We said it on our first episode and we'll say it until the chickens come home to roost, which I love. Mainstream media's cultural fantasism, obsession and fetishization with pitting femme identifying people against each other is awful it's confusing, it's juvenile, it's unnecessary

and more than anything, it's a missed opportunity to hold space for both of these women their journeys individually and collectively their friendship with one another a celebration of each of them for the ways that they're similar and the ways that they're different. The branding was missed here but we're still rooting for them both. Thanks for posting

about this, Caitlin. I was like, how can I not speak that way. I want to be able to speak that eloquently because what they just said is like perfect. It's perfect. It was an absolute missed opportunity to celebrate both of these women. They're supposed to be celebrating their lead to like finally have their moment to feel special, to feel desired, to feel loved, to showcase who they are and how they deserve love because we all do. And they should have celebrated both of these women for the incredible ways that they are similar and different and just being who they are. And we are literally making Rachel seem so insecure and that they're all here for Gabby. And I hate it. When I saw the team Rachel thing pop up

on the screen, it made me so, it made me so mad. I feel like they always are like, this is not a competition. This is not a game. This is love. But like then you go and throw team Gabby up on the screen. Like you're, you're pretty much saying it's a game and that it's a competition. So your team Gabby, your team, Rachel. And then they posted on Bachelor at ABC, what team are you? I was like, what? Yeah. Now you're making all of the viewers pick a team for who they like better. They didn't give any power to the women. But then when they bring them together, they're still making, I guarantee the producers were like, hey guys, watch your friends get beat up and don't talk to, and maybe not don't talk to Rachel, but like that's probably what they told them. Like,

oh, you guys are going to be the audience. The producers were probably like, hey, you know what I know Rachel's there and like you're seeing her but this is Gabby's date so like maybe don't like try and overshadow Gabby's date and then they probably said to Rachel why aren't your men paying attention to you like that must hurt your feelings because like they're here and they're not even making contact with you and like it's just yeah and it's just making me sad because although we all know the show is every TV show is manipulative I actually we found out from Blake that The only way they can't manipulate is if money's on the line. So we know that TV shows manipulate, but this just feels a little extra dirty this time for some reason.

It does. And I don't know if it's because we know, I mean, obviously you know so many ends and out of the show. Or if we're just getting smarter and we're watching it or they're not as good as hiding it, but it's like, I think just more and more people are talking about behind the scenes of television and reality shows because now we have our microphone after the show. and a platform to speak on it, and it does, like, mess with people. So I think now people just realize just how destructive that can be. And so we're watching it now through a different lens. I think that they do this to make us talk about it. And then, like, we are talking about it.

So then I'm like, that's actually a great point. I don't think they really care because we're talking about it. And I care because I'm talking about it where I get to, like, stand up for these women and then get my own down. I'm very sick of the back and forth insecurity theme that they're going with, though. Oh, my gosh. They're just highlighting it at all times and especially on Rachel. Well, no, I guess Gabby too. Gabby in her own way with not feeling worthy of being the Bachelorette, which everybody's

worthy of finding love, whether that's on TV or not, no matter what your history is or what you think is baggage or whatever. But they're really showcasing Gabby's insecurity with her mom and then they're really showcasing Rachel's insecurity with being compared to Gabby. Both are very valid, and you can understand where they're coming from. But, like, let's lift them up a little bit. Yeah. Because I'm sure they have so many strengths that we're not seeing.

And we do see some. Yeah. And they're already being taken down by people like grocery store, no. What do you do? Oh, Hayden. Okay, I thought Joe did something. Got it. Craigslist Joe.

Craigslist Joe. And Noggan. No. And Nogan. Yeah. But yeah, he was calling them bitches. And I'm like, oh, man. And his, I don't even get me started about the dog.

Don't get me started about the dog. The fact that he said he only has a certain amount of months to live and that he took his favorite duckie toy. I was like, you're a monster, dude. You took the duck. I'm so upset. Even if that was a planted prop and he was like, you can pretend like this is, you still just said, this is. You still just said, this is. his favorite toy and that he's dying and you're here on national television with that toy like

what is wrong with you i hate you and i want to go adopt your dog let me pay for all his medical bills because you don't deserve him i if if he truly cared about his dog the way he was making us all think he did he would not have left his dog to go on that show like i would never i wouldn't leave my dog side if my dog was going through that i would be there every second of the day I would, that ducky would also not leave my dog's side. Like that's, 10 duckies. That is a, yeah, he'd be swimming in duckies if that was the case. Like, what the actual is wrong with him?

He didn't, like, go for Rachel or Gabby. Like, he wasn't like, I, you know, my dog's sick, but like, I saw Rachel on TV and I just, like, can't live without her. He's calling her a bitch. Right. So. I was kind of like, okay, maybe it's an edit. But once the dog thing came out, I'm like, no, fuck you. you took his ducky though that is so sad and i want to know what like because now that

instagram account is private and he's private and which as he should be because people are probably wanting to just tear him a new one but anyways then they end up at france so they go to france they're on a freaking yacht whatever that guy called it he was like i've never seen no i forget what he said he said like i've never been on a bigger yacht before you're like it's a cruise ship. Yes, not yet. But anyways, Jesse apparently speaks French.

So, and it wasn't even like French-Canadian because he's Canadian. So I was like, oh, maybe he speaks French-Canadian. So I asked Twitter, they're like, no, that's a legit French. And he did a good job with it. And I was like, he really did. Wow. Yeah, he better do a good job. It was like his one line.

He's like not in the show. And then he kept like, he did it for the wrestling date or the fighting one. Anyways, like I think Jason and Gabby have the cutest little thing going. Tino and Rachel, which I was, before I was like, what was that guy's name that Rachel had her first date with where they watched the movie about their little child. Zach. Zach. I was like, oh, my God, Zach and Rachel for life.

And now I'm like, Rachel and Tino forever and beyond. Both of those connections were definitely adorable. And they both seem like such solid guys. It was so funny when Gabby was like, Jason's just a man of few words. And it just shows him, like, looking off into the distance at like bird's church. So cute. It was cute. He was the one last week that I said he didn't have his social media. Like he was on private. He had like 90 followers. He now is on social media. But I truly think that he just went on the show like with like no expectations. I hope he stays that way because those motherfuckers that come off the show and they start off so humble and like, yeah, I don't know. It was just like I didn't want to leave my job and I'm just kind of a private person. And then all of a sudden they're like influencer event. galore and like being a little playboy. I hope not.

Yeah, I hope he's, I hope he stays humble. Come to varsity and sun prairie, you'll feel humble. Yeah, just wear a giraffe, high's giraffe, put a shirt to a bar and have no one talk to you or acknowledge your outfit. We'll keep you humble. Can we please talk about Nate on Gabby's group date when he was like, I noticed all the little things about you,

how you cross your legs and how you like tilt your head when you start to talk. I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, that was really cute. Zach's choking, Rachel, not as cute. Not quite. Ethan crawling. Like, it made me so uncomfortable when he was crawling, like, under her dress. Yeah. Why do people think these are good ideas? Do we think that, like, the producers told them what to do, or, like, was this by choice? Like, that's what they decided to do to flirt?

I mean, I had to agree to it. It was either by choice or it was suggested and they went for it. like it's always a choice it's always a choice it's always a choice and like if they got me to smell people's armpits that would be a choice for me to say absolutely not but thank you for asking um also i like the only time my armpits smell is if i'm nervous and so like that would be just a recipe for disaster and i remember actually when i brought sean and nick back to meet my family my sister hugged me and she goes oh you smell right and i was like oh shit and i was like the whole time and I was like, holy shit, I'm just so, like, freaking out this whole time and I was so stressed and my hormones were all over the place that I actually, like, smelled so bad. I don't know

how these guys were attracted to me. That's a real thing. Like, it's the stress sweat. Yeah, like, oh my God, I saw on chicks on the office. They were doing their, like, cutting stems. And they're talking about how Gen Z is now swiping their vagina with their fingers and putting it on their neck as natural. I heard about this. Yeah. Gen Z needs help. What do you, like, if I, what? But then I'm. want to know if it works like yeah is there science behind this and like why don't you do it like next time you want to date with jason oh yeah if you're just like see how you react yeah double finger swipe tonight see what happens i'm going to do that and i'm going to pat my neck with it like

this and then see what happens what if he like goes to like kiss me or hug man he's like this will be you have to share this as your next confession okay so we'll know the results Oh, my God. I'm going to smell my armpits and then I'm going to swipe my vagina and wipe my neck and see what happens. But also, what if I get pregnant? And it all started here. That'd be beautiful. It all starts here. I could show your whole relationship. Yeah. I could show my kids this podcast years down the road. I was talking about wiping my vagina for neck, which will be like the oldest trick in the book when my kids are old. They'll be like, yeah, mom. Yeah, mom, we know. Everybody does that. We bottle it and sell it. That's our, like, that's our, like, that's our. lives now. Oh my god. That's so funny. It all started here first, kids. Um, okay. Ew, yeah, Logan, Nick been accepting the Rose, even though she wants to be on team Gabby now. I can't even say that. Gabby's side. Gabby, I don't know. Gabby's guys. Gabby's guys. Gabby's guys. He just makes me think that he's there for the cruise ships, see where they're sailing off to next because he was like, well, shit, I stuck around and I'm, we're going to France, so.

Yeah. People aren't there for the Instagram followers anymore. They're there for the cruise line. They just want to be part of that. Just suffered through a. pandemic and they just want to get out and about are they setting this up to be like a claire season where claire just leaves because they're just like being so hard on rachel and making her feel so unworthy that she's going to just be like look at me and tino we're out i don't know i mean if that's the case i would be very happy for her i would be like good for you because i think her and tino are so cute but i would also feel bad that she didn't get to actually fully experience like nothing's happening i don't know Tommy it's a ghost bark if there's a ghost

in here. There's a ghost. Yep. We were being haunted. I hate that for you. Well, those were our lukewarm thoughts. They weren't very good. I feel like they weren't even lukewarm. I feel like they were just. Well, we started off pretty hot with the black churrettes, what they said.

I'm like, that's a hot take. That is right there, that's a hot take. Then we went lukewarm, then we got a little cold. We were on an ice bath by the end of it. And that's when we know to wrap. Yeah, that's true. We know to go to your live show. Oh, my gosh. So, okay, well, you probably saw that I had a live show in Toronto a couple of weekends

ago. And it was a really good, freaking time. You kind of have to be there to understand. Like, you can see as much as you want to see on Instagram, but to be there is just a whole other level of crazy energy. It was just so good. I had the birds papaya, aka Sarah, even though it's Sarah, aka the bird's papaya, but I just always call her birds papaya.

as a guest, too, I love so much. And she says, I'm her Adam Sandler, but she has no idea how much that I actually look up to her. So it was such a good conversation. And she's just so incredible. And every time I talk to her, I take something away from the conversation. And so I think everybody will take something away from this one. And they'll probably laugh. And they'll be like, wow, I should have been in Toronto.

So enjoy the live show with Sarah. Thanks, ladies, for your LWTs. Anytime. All right, Van Nuys, let's talk about Hyundai for a second. Everything is better electrified, and Hyundai has the widest range of electrified vehicles on market, including their first ever Tucson and Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs. Their turbocharged engines have quiet, rapid acceleration, and you can use electric when you want or gas when you need. So it's your journey, evolve it beyond the pump in the 2022 Tucson or Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs.

Visit your nearest Hyundai dealer or learn more at HyundaiUSA.com. Call 562-3-1. 14-4-6-0-3 for complete details. Everybody needs to just buckle up because we have one of my favorite human beings in the building. She is, she's an amazing mother, she's a fellow Canadian, she's a beautiful writer, she is a talented creator, she is an eloquent speaker, she is everything. I would ever really want in a friend as a human being. Okay, I'll stop. I'm obsessed with her.

She's my whole pass. Okay, I'll stop. You guys know her as the bird's papaya. But let's bring out Sarah. Woo! Sarah! Oh! Yes!

I love you. Earlier, the videographer said to me, so I'll just be on the whole time because I heard you're pretty, unpredictable and so I just got up from those splits actually I think I hurt my groin but I got up from that I just pointed at her because I'm like when you started dancing I was like absolutely not you want a mirror ball I sometimes get drunk and my hands do this what is your go-to dance move ariana would know there's like usually hands and they're in the air and then there's like this moment that you kind of get sober and you're like wait yeah what are

my hands doing and then you get really self-conscious about them. Yeah. And then you have to have like your phone out. Yeah. There's like a, no, you know what the worst. I need to drink in a phone and then I don't need to move them. The worst is when the song changes. So like obviously at a club, that's what DJ does. DJ. I just called you DJ. That's what Blake the DJ does is, you know, you make it so you don't have that pause between songs. But I always, this is my favorite in Nashville. I don't, has anyone been in Nashville? you know the freaking party buses that they have going there like there's like pedal taverns or like party buses and the best is like girls are just getting down and like drinking and they're going and then the song it's like in between like they're waiting for the next song they're like anyways uh i know you have a special relationship with the vinos and that this is also your family you know what when i first came on the show that

was like, I called her my Adam Sandler today because I'm like, I'm the Rob Schneider, this is the house that Caitlin built. You did. You really kicked off a big part of my career that is only continued. And we've, I remember I first met you and I thought, I would just love to be friends with her. And we step for what you wish for. It's been five years. You know what I love about the Vino's though? Is your, your kind of community is so empowering, so amazing. When you announced that I was going to be like the speaker for this, I was reading the comments. And One of them was like, I just wish you had chosen Jillian Harris because at least she's Canadian. What?

No. Yeah. I don't think they know I'm Canadian. Are you here? No, they're not. I don't know. But it was funny. But warmest of welcomes besides that one person.

To be honest, Jill would be a great addition. So our first live show together when we did in 2019, I want to say. Cleoja asked me to be a guest. And back in your last Toronto show, I was in the front row. was a guest. What I missed about the invitation is when she said, the guest. So I was like, yeah, I'd love to come to your show. That's amazing. Then the poster goes out. And I was like, oh, you meant the guest. And it was all the way down the line to ticket sales before I realized I was in the show. So thanks for having me. Thanks for having me back. You are so humble.

That was a messy evening. I still can't listen back to that episode. That's like a lot of fun. posting the other day that she doesn't think, who was it? She was like, I don't think this person knows who I am. And I was like, humble me, Brittany. She thinks people don't know who Brittany is. You know what's amazing about the Britney post, though, because everyone loves to mock them. But there's this TikTok speech therapist who is like,

you need to talk in her accent, and everything makes sense. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. The long pauses, the yalls, the constant. Like, if you go into a southern drawl, all of her captions suddenly are like, Oh. Let's jump it to talking about marriage because we got some married folks in the house tonight.

Single people? It's about half. That's about... They're always louder. What about... What else is there? Married. Oh, engaged? Cool. We have some brides.

Do have some brides. Last week. Oh, my gosh. She's a newlywed. She's embarrassed. She's like, no, I'd be like, yes, I did. I didn't know how hard wedding planning would be. I didn't know how hard it was. And I have a wedding planner, but the hardest thing for us has been finding a date that works for everybody, a venue that we love.

And those are the two things you need to like start getting the ball rolling for wedding planning. So it's been tricky. But you have done it. And I just want to know, because I think this is sweet. I think there's something to be said about second marriages too. Mm-hmm. What is your favorite part about being married to Shane? He's my favorite husband so far, for sure. I'm really happy by that.

I'll tell you, like, what I love about being married to him because I feel like whenever we talk about relationships or marriage and you say marriage is hard, we just like, imagine saying like, oh, my job is hard. And we would be like, yeah, but they're very variables. Like, there's tons of different ways that could be hard. So when I say marriage is hard now, I'm talking sometimes we fight about the trash and that's delightful. Yeah. I can imagine just because obviously it's not that I've ever been married before. I've been engaged before awkward. But I've been in other relationships where you got married quite young.

Yeah. So I feel like I can understand finally getting into a healthy relationship compared to the toxic ones. What does NASA say? It's like multiple, they're not failures. They're like different tries at something, at different tries at success. Oh, I like that. Somebody commented that. to me the other day. I was like, yeah, I'm going to pin that comment. Love it.

I actually hate talking about failures. And repeat it as if it's my own quote by NASA. Whatever you say on Instagram, I eat it up and I write it down and then I probably recycle it on my own podcast. But I love that because I always talk about failures and like any failure I've had has always just led me to something way better. And so I'm like, why do we, why do we associate the word failure with such a like negative feeling? when it might have been negative in that moment, but tell me that your failures have not gone you into a more positive situation. And I can't say that like I believe in everything happening for a reason,

but I believe that good can come out of everything. So yeah, I had a marriage for 13 years and then I was living at my parents' house and then I was out on my own figuring that whole thing and then I met somebody. That's a very quick timeline. but the reality is that I had this like bridge from one to the other and I also had that there's a lot of awakening between those two and I don't think that I think that secondary

major relationships and secondary marriages are just like coming in with all that wealth of knowledge so good things can come out of anything that was my good is how I took the past and put it into what is now I love that like are you getting married that took 15 minutes And we're... I need some... What about a move-in? I just listened to the pod last week. Are we there yet?

Yeah. I mean, we're headed to the right direction. This is the most confident I've ever been in a relationship. I love that. Thank you. Thank you. And why is that, Blake? Is it because you've learned some hard lessons throughout the way?

Yeah. So many life lessons. Multiple life lessons. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. I feel like right now I'm in the perfect spot in my life for... I love that.

I love that. Because Blake and I have been through ups and downs as friends. And I've seen you, obviously, like, going through hard times. You've seen me. Just crying to her on FaceTime. Just like, ah! He has. And it's sweet because he felt safe with me and we're good friends.

And so to see him now where I'm like, you are thriving in every aspect of your life. And it's because you had to hit your little rock bottom. Good. He goes, yeah. Can we not talk about that, though? Okay, yeah. We're on. But I think that's, I think it's cool.

I love hearing and seeing just how happy you are because you've been through some shit. I've been through some shit and that's okay. Honestly, like, I hate that that stuff makes us something. I know. I hate it too, but it really does. But it really does, right? Like, it's just, I wouldn't, I hate saying this, but I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for that stuff. No, it's like I just had to go through that.

And I probably could have skirted around into nothing and had a very blissful little life. Totally. But I probably wouldn't. carry the amount of understanding or experience that I do now. And so I use that life experience as much as I can. You see, I'm like the opposite of you. I completely believe in things like happening for a reason and meant to be. I think we're all just a little game to somebody else up there.

I think the reason I don't like everything happens for a reason is when things go bad, you feel like you were owed that. And I can't live with that thinking. Okay. So do you know, of course, I think you do, Elise Myers? Yes. Okay. So she has a podcast that's coming out.

Let's bug it now. I was her first guest. And so she took me to therapy without me realizing it. And she said, isn't that funny how we repeat these patterns? But we do this in life. We try and get a redo or try and do something the next time better. And just we're really repeating old patterns. I only tend to be attracted to men with beards because my ex couldn't grow one.

Well that's and here's what I'm saying I broke the pattern I usually go for athlete blonde people And now I'm like I'm gonna go for the Burnett banker Who also happens to have a great body and a great dick I'm like Did he just come side stage

Is that where that came from? He already knows I feel that His poor mom God Anyways I was talking about anxiety like earlier in the podcast. Does anybody else feel like they struggle from anxiety or happy to share it? Yeah. God, I love that it's not everyone. That must be nice. But I actually got excited

because do you know Sage Wellness? Duh. Of course you do. Who doesn't? I have Sage everything in my house. I have travel packs. I have the like diffuser in my room. Actually, I have two in my room. I have all of the products. And we got to. excited because they're in some of your VIP package. Yes. Yes. So you've got some. And that was going to be one of my tips. I was going to do a whole little bit on tips and tricks for anxiety. And that was one of them. It was like there's something about smells. Do you, does anybody know like a nostalgic feeling? If you smell something, like if I smell a Barbie doll, I'm like my childhood. Like there's just something about smells. And Sage does that for me. So it helps. We put it in some VIP packages. But I wanted

everybody to get some sort of discount because it was important to me. So if you go to my Off the Vine podcast page, which I'm hoping you all follow right now, we're going to give everybody 20% off sage products. So, yeah. You're welcome. Okay. So, back to Shane. Back to Shane.

So he can clearly grow a beard. Ken. You also had another baby. Now, this is the thing. I want, let me. I joked about bringing her out. Oh, we wanted to, like, hold her up like the Lion King. Yeah, we did her at the ramen last time.

I was like, imagine we just lemmyed her out there. I wish we had Lemmy, Ramen, and Pino here. Oh, that's a, lots of live show. Puppies and babies, honestly, how we got through the pandemic. Obviously, that was my choice of action as well. I'm surprised I didn't happen. We were binging the office and the episode where Jim and Pam have a baby. And remember, I was the Pam. Shane was the gym in the office. I was the receptionist.

He had this, you know, a desk and office and everything. And so when we started dating, it was always like, oh, we're like the gym and Pam. So we're watching the office. And somebody had just gifted us a case of Beesneys. So we were a little bit blitz. It's like first two weeks like of the pandemic when you were like day drinking a lot. Totally. It's still the pandemic. It was the beginning and the end for me. I didn't get to do that very long. But I was a little bust, and we're watching Jim and Pam have a baby, and I just start bawling my eyes out. And I was like, maybe this is what we're supposed to do. And then we're like, maybe we should do that.

And then we did that. And then we're like, we're not ready at all. And then, yeah, I always said that if the window would open, like, it'd have to go in there because we had so much self-doubt around it. Are you talking about sex? Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about sex. You want to talk about sex?

Let's talk about sex Oh my gosh Let's talk about sex Baby Let's talk about Okay, we don't even need you Blake I know that's like I said You don't even need me

I'm But it's I had to prep you with songs That we wanted so I know that one I didn't know that one Until just now And then I couldn't find it

Anyways back to sex Um You obviously have four beautiful children You know a thing or two About sex That's a terrible transition I was like, you're like, let's talk about sex. You have four beautiful children.

I actually, okay, okay, let's, before we get into that, I actually wanted to ask you, just based on knowing you and how you are as a mom, I feel like you wouldn't sugarcoat things to your kids. Do you talk to them like adults and like have just real honest conversations with them? And is it interesting for them to know that you have this platform to do so? I mean, my children don't allow me not to be real with them. They ask very direct questions. Like, when did you first have sex? Where was it?

Really? What is this for? What about that? It is so inquisitive that you don't get, like, I usually have to, like, have a panic moment. And then Shane just has to come in with, like, he's very, okay, this is this. And I'm just like, I need to recover from my child, just saying that to my face. Yeah, I can't imagine. That was, my niece had some questions.

Yeah. You know what, though, like, this is what's really neat is that they're of this generation where you talk about stuff. They're of a very different generation. They're also of a generation where everything I do is incredibly cringe-worthy. So I have no skin in the game with them until they get like some sort of like a little perk and then they're like, thanks for you doing your job. I'm like, yeah, you're welcome.

But normally, like, Gemma, especially if she really wants to get to me, she will dramatically read out my captions to my face. Sort of like what we did with Brittany. Yeah. Except not in an endearing way. Yeah. Yeah. So they like to really replay my personal growth and trauma in a comedic version back to myself.

You need to use this for your own content. I would love to see a dramatic reading from her. Oh, okay. I don't like to give her too much attention for that one. But yeah, we are very. like truly they're pretty honest with us and we're pretty honest with them and i don't know i was always one of those people that was terrified of children like i was terrified of i didn't like babysitting i thought kids were really annoying so it didn't until they're your own yeah but then they're like

your spawn they're your own little assholes you get to tell them when they're being assholes like there's something about that power and that ownership of it we're like when they are their own little fuck up so you're just like well that's mine Like, I don't know, but it didn't have to be, I think, the way I scripted it to be where, like, you're babysitting, which is, like, you're very disconnected and you feel like you just have to keep them alive. Yeah, it's, like, weird with other people's kids. Like, it's just a different thing.

When I babysat, I used to pay the kids $0.25 to rub my feet. I did. Okay, it's not that different. You can still do that. Can I? Yeah, you can ask kids to do stuff like that. Kids are great. Honestly, like, I just had to get out of my head that it had to be the way that I think.

thought it was. I thought we were talking about sex. Oh, yeah, we're getting there. Okay, let's go there. Like, did I answer wrong? No, I'm curious because, uh, well, I have a lot of sex questions, to be honest with you. Because when I wrote, I don't know if it was on my Instagram on off the vine or the Facebook, I can't remember, but people had so many questions when I had a sex expert on about, like, sex like ups and downs and dolls and dolls. Like you mean, like, D. You know, like, D.U. Yeah. Loles. Lolls. It's dull because it's a lull is what I was getting at. Yeah. Um. Um, But it was crazy how many people had questions. So I was like, oh, now, Sarah, because...

Okay. Yeah, let's heat things up. How's your sex life? I mean, you have four kids. That's got to be tricky to get it in. I was like, why do we keep bringing up this? No, it's not. Like, it's really not.

Honestly, we've got good boundaries with the kids. I didn't have that when they were little. Now they're like, you have to not to come in the room. And also, like, I hate to say it, but scheduled sex is the bomb. It's like mental foreplay all day when you know that that's what's happening later. Somebody introduced that to me and the idea that you have sex before going out on a date. Vanessa Marin, like, she's a sex therapist. But she was like, have sex before the date because then you go out for dinner and you have this nice romantic meal that brings you out to here.

You're bloated. You feel farty and disgusting. You do not want to get on top. It ruins the night. that's very valid you know what happened to me this week we can't yeah

give it up no but if you do it before a date I love this guy I know before the date Josh Allen then you just realized

look it out before the date yes honestly and you kind of walk away with like this little bit of a glow about you because you're like we just and then you're eating dinner and you're like I don't care I'm enjoying myself I already bloated after yeah but yeah I don't know I just always like to

know and I just love how you're an open book so I think I feel like asking you anything and you know what it's scheduled sex is what you will take away from this podcast it's great it's honestly it's not boring because you know in your head that you're having sex that day and what that sex therapist told us is one of you kind of takes the lead. So you have to rotate who's taking the lead. But I couldn't have sex for like almost like over a year because I had a pregnancy complication

that banned me from sex and orgasms. What? You couldn't What? Did you have any like wet dreams? Yes. This is my confession. Oh perfect. Let's get into it. Okay.

Everybody always, anytime I have a guest on, if I don't lube them up first, they're like, oh God. I've just asked the weirdest stuff already on this, like, on this show. Yeah. So is Blake. It's okay. The man who literally jizzes on his own face is our DJ.

That's his like signature move. Oh, good. DJ Jizz face. That was good. Damn it. Nailed it. Anyway, so you really, this is a room of the trust tree with the nest. We are the shame-free zone.

Yeah. And we need a confession. I mean, some people already know this one. I'm going to give the part two to it, but going back to me not being able to have sex or an orgasm during my pregnancy while having raging hormones going on, I started to have sex dreams about everything. Oh, boy. I had like a full wet dream about having a threesome with birth.

Bernie Sanders and Chandler Bang. I genuinely cannot look at Bernie Sanders. I'm attracted to him. He was great. Were you attracted to him before this dream? No. Thank God. He awoke something.

Yeah. But the part two, and this is like... Oh my God, I love that that's a part too, because that alone is great. Go on. Well, like, maybe there's, like, something about Ernie's and Bernies because my very first sex toy was the tickle me Ernie.

Do you mean tickle me, Elmo? Yeah, but I couldn't afford that because it was popular at the time. That was a hot commodity. So I had to get the tickle me Ernie, and during my awakening of things, realize that that was great. And so, I'm like, now I'm like,

Ernie to Bernie? Like, was it so deep-seated? And then it just arose out of me? Sesame Street and old people. It's, does it for you. Yeah. This is the problem, though, because I've confessed things on here about particular people and then I've had to interact with those people.

So I cannot meet Bernie Sanders. Absolutely not. Well, I genuinely hope you meet Ernie and Burt one day. And you can tell them that story. That's funny because I didn't even think about that. But yeah, those things vibrate. I've learned recently that all of us were, like, disgusting weird kids. They were just, like, didn't ever talk about it.

We didn't unpack that. that shit. Okay, that did unlock a memory for me. You have a stuffed animal story. No, it's not a stuffed animal story. More of a, um, what I saw on TV and didn't understand the tingles that were happening in my body. But it was, I was watching Days of Our Lives.

Oh. What are you fans of the show? God. It was like Marlena. Oh. Oh, you guys, okay, so Days of Our Lives Soap Opera. I don't know. I just saw like people and there was probably like Lucas and San. me making out. And I was like, why does that feel funny down there? But that's, that was my first memory of feeling like, that feels weird. Yeah. But I don't know how old I was. But anyways,

thank you for unlocking that. You're welcome. We're going to go the opposite way and ask you for, if you have any advice for anyone who is struggling in a relationship to have a sex drive. Honestly, give it time. Like, I think it's, I felt so, it sounds terrible. You know what? I had a huge sex drive when I was pregnant, the minute she came out of me, I was like, it's like an app was closed in my brain. It didn't exist, right? So I was kind of freaked out by that because we're still kind of newlyweds. We've only been married for a couple years. And all of a sudden, I'm like, I have no desire to have sex. It comes back. It ebbs and flows. That's like your effing hormones, like everything is. So I don't know. But I also think like a lot of it is like our own, especially when you've

gone through body change people tend to like peel back from it not feel attractive so i think it comes down to like a little bit on one-on-one like having some time with yourself to reconnect and also i think it's a little bit of like a supply and demand thing when like you have to get into a rhythm of understanding pleasure again so maybe that's something you do with yourself as you work yourself back up into having a desire okay vinos producer madison here so the rest of the live show got a little too rowdy for your ear holes so we're going to cut it there but we hope you enjoyed this little segment with Sarah Nicole Landry and DJ Jiz Face. And we will see you next Tuesday.

I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for joining us for this week's grape therapy. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform. And tune in Thursday for your next session. All this month, stream the funniest films for free on Pluto TV. Watch comedy classics like Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, and Mean Girls, or drop in for a Tyler Perry marathon with a Medea family funeral and Medea's witness protection.

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