Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Claire Byrne is Back to Share her Heartbreak Story

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

Heartbreak coach, Claire Byrne is back! This time she delves deeper into her own heartbreak story that led her to coach others. She explains the realities of coaching other people through emotional trauma and the mind/body work that she uses to locate pain. Then, Kaitlyn asks Claire about her own methods that helped her feel whole and independent. They end with a game called Relationship Deal-Breakers! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming ontario we're talking with o tv podcast one presents off the vine grace therapy kately bristow's going to answer your questions drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything bachelor let's shake it up some more here's katelyn today i'm sitting down with someone who took her experience of being heartbroken and turned it into a pretty badass career She's now a heartbreak coach who regularly helps people get over the one who broke their heart, whether that's through her podcast, how to stop wanting him back, her healing heartbreak program that provides one-on-one guidance, and her articles featured in publications such as Courtney Kardashians, poosh.

Is that how you said? Yeah. Push. I like that. She's here with me today to share her heartbreak story and to help you move on. Please welcome to the podcast, my guest, Claire Byrne. Thank you so much for being here. Yay.

I always clap for me. much for having me. I'm so excited to be here with you. Of course. So you are from New York. Yes. And then you moved to L.A. Yes. Did you move to L.A. for work stuff? Yeah. I was the cliche example of being an actress, yogi. Yeah. And really went through my rock bottom heartbreak while being in New York. I lived in L.A. for a year prior to that time. And so then I really hadn't given L.A. the proper shot. So came back to New York, really hit my rock bottom and my rock bottom relationship. and went to L.A., still to continue acting, teaching yoga. And then as I deepened my own journey on healing my heart, I became inspired to do this. Wow, that's so cool.

My favorite thing in life is when people go through something hard and then they're like, you know what, I'm going to make a career out of this. Or when people just make a career out of things that they love in life and like helping others, hey, let's start a podcast. That was me. I was like, I'm going to make a career out of drinking wine. sitting in my sweats, talking, and maybe throw in some scrunchies. Yes.

All your favorite thing. You know, it's about your vision and what you want and making it happen. So good for you. And you made it out of coming from rock bottom. So can we talk a little bit about that and what happened? Yes. So how long ago was this? So the rock bottom relationship was eight years ago.

I'm 38 now. About to be 39. Nice. And really, though, throughout my. my 20s, right? Like, he was the rock bottom, but I was doing things and getting involved with people that were pretty shitty beforehand. And that was really like the wake up call. Okay. So, again, as I said, I'm an actor, was an actor. I guess you're always an actor, but I just don't pursue it anymore. I was told, I literally just like said to my agents and manager, like,

we're done. Really? I think, I believe that if an opportunity presents itself down the road, it's not that I'll say I'm never acting right so weird like I'll look at my friends audition tapes I obviously still have a lot of actor friends yeah we'll talk about it and I don't feel like I miss it at all which is so crazy well because it was ingrained in my soul yes the day I was born um but again I think when you do this work this kind of coaching work there's dreams are born that you just don't even realize like did you ever think pre-bachelorette that this is what your life would be now yes you did stop it I don't know I just feel like If you ask any one of my friends, like, I always just, like, channeled this.

Like, I never took anything serious because I was like, well, one day I will live the life I want. And I just put it out. But the specifics of, like, doing a podcast and drinking wine and selling scrunchies. No, not the specifics. You're right. You're right. You always knew you were going to do something fabulous. Yeah.

I did too, for sure. I just thought it looked different. Yes. Totally get that. Yeah. I did see myself going on, like, a reality show, but never thought it would be. I thought it'd be like, you know, like some Canadian, like, Big Brother Canada. Like, I just, I don't, I'm such a Big Brother fan.

I don't know. Anyways, back to you. Okay. That's amazing. So I, yeah, I was just acting throughout my 20s. And I had been actually in a relationship with someone from when I was 16 to 24 and everyone thought, oh, she's going to get married first. Right. And then I, you know, just was a cliche experience of getting into acting class and meeting these bad.

bad boys and just like doing all the classic dumb things that someone does in her 20s. And I really loved my victim's story. Like, he did this to me. He said these things, but he acted differently. Right. So I, at 28 was my first real adult relationship, I would say. Yeah. And that was pretty toxic in the sense that we just were not on the same page, but it was still, there was a lot of love there.

Yeah. But it was, you know, he, classic kind of Peter Pan, and he's now a dear friend today. I had... Your rock bottom is now a different. Oh, okay. This is pre the rock bottom where it was still super painful. Okay. But there was a lot of love and respect.

We just weren't compatible with the things that we wanted in the lifestyle that we wanted to share. But again, I hadn't done any work on myself, Caitlin. So I was just like, if you say you love me, then you should just want what I want. Yes. Totally been there. Yes. And so I was very victimy in that relationship, too. Went to L.A. for a year.

and that was really when the economy was crashing. So I was supporting myself through commercial work. And everything dried up. And I'm like, I'm heartbroken. I'm broke. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm in L.A. I have no friends or family here.

And so I fell in love with yoga, became a yoga instructor back in New York, built my own private yoga teaching business because of my own connections through, obviously, most of my life being spent in New York. And that's when the rock bottom relationship happened. And it was someone who I had met years prior. He was actually friends with that other ex of mine. And as soon as they met him, I was like, that guy is bad news. Like, you knew?

Knew. Like, whenever I must have met him at, like, 26. Just conventionally good-looking actor guy. And there was something about him that my stomach was like, stay away. Right. And he was dating someone at the time. He totally treated her like shit. And he was always really nice to me.

Yeah. And I was just like, I always got a vibe from him that I felt like he was interested. And like, while I was dating the other guy, there were just inappropriate things that happened like one time we were at a show and you know of course again all actors so we're involved in this theater company and I saw him there and I could clock him watching me with my other boyfriend and I just felt a feeling and I never said it to my boyfriend at the time because I thought he's going to think I'm dramatic and making meaning out of things right happening and then later on he'd send me an email being like hey sorry I sorry I had to leave blah blah I'm like why are you

emailing me sorry I had to leave like you're in a relationship I'm right it just there were little things that like I couldn't put my finger on but when you look back it wasn't appropriate and then when I finally did break up with the other guy he just totally came in yeah and I still was resistant I remember showing my friends his picture being like look at this guy and they're like he's hot and they're like he's dangerous like there's something just not right I hate that you knew I knew but I hadn't done the work on myself so I just was like oh maybe I'm making this up and now he's being really sweet and I moved back to New York and he just like totally took me in. So all the what not to do, I was getting yoga teacher training and he was like, well, just stay

with me because I was broke as a joke. Oh, no. And I just stayed and never left. Okay. Yeah. And so he treated me like gold in that time. Oh, he did. Yeah.

So narcissistic sociopaths, they like lift you up. They idealize you. He tells me I've been in love with you for the last couple of years, like since I met you. Yeah. And I've been in a really fucked up place, but like I never thought that. I could have you all these things. And of course, me coming off the other heartbreak, like vulnerable, I had just started doing work on myself as a yogi.

So I felt like really evolved. Yeah. And I was like, so self-aware. So centered. I was like, but now I have tools. Yeah. I really know what I'm doing here. And so I thought I was equipped and I addressed things to him.

I said, look, I'm interested in you. I do want to pursue this. But I saw the way you treated your last girlfriend. And like, and he was just, he had an excuse for every. thing, right? I was different, obviously. And he really did treat you like, treat me like gold. And that's what narcissists do. They idealize you and then they devalue you. And then you're like, wait, what happened to the connection we did have? And then they discard you. And then they suck you back in. And so it was this vicious cycle.

Is like, are you okay? Yeah. Yes. Your face right now. You're like, that's what it is. I'm like, oh, okay, go on. I'm just having a like, uh-huh moment, but okay. I saw that off. And so I just kept doing that vicious cycle with him. And then I really noticed that he was keeping me really separate from certain people in his life. One, being a girl who I was friendly with, he showed up with me at an event. She shut down. And I'm an empath.

And that's what narcissists and empaths do this dance. And if empaths don't have their power, because like empaths do have a special power, right? So an empath is someone who just feels the energy in a room. I'm calling it he, she, right? But there are female narcissists and male empaths, yeah. We're talking about me. Yes. Yes, I get it.

And empaths will give all the love that they have even at the sacrifice of their own needs, right? And so I was really doing that with him and giving it all. So I could feel the energy of this other woman, Victoria. who's now a dear friend and his wedding I attended last year. Oh, my God. Amazing. I love this. And she was very, and she's a sweetest person. Why is this girl, you know, ignoring me or there's some tension there. And I again, I was just like, you are not being, I would confront him and say, there's something up here. Victoria was always so in love with me. I told her I didn't want to be with anyone. Then you moved back from L.A. and now you're like living with me. And it's just really hard for her. But we work together. So she. she's just my friend, blah, blah, blah.

Well, now I know he and Victoria were about to move in together. Then he told her no when he found out that I was coming back. And then he proceeded to date both of us at the same time. Got a dog with her, but told me that he got a dog to bring us closer together. Sent a picture from the dog park didn't cut enough of her face out. So I didn't notice it at the time. But he eventually, like months later, I was just, all these things were happening. I found multiple pairs of underwear that weren't mine.

And I was constantly like, what the fuck I'm allowed to curse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I've heard other, I've heard you curse that I'm allowed to. Yeah. So I just, and I'm just like, make it right. Yeah. Make it right. But the year, it's so easy for me to tell this story and be like, what a dick, what a dick?

But what was my part that I stayed in that for almost a year? Right. You know, and I don't say that to shame myself now. I'm like, no, I, the abandoning of my stuff. self was the lesson. And I think that this is why I'm so passionate about doing what I do because we all want to make it about the other person. We all want to make it about Mr. or Ms. Wrong. And again, my podcast, you mentioned, is called How to Stop Wanting Him Back. Obviously, Heartbreak is a universal lesson for anyone gay, straight, whatever your race

religion is. I just, for the simplicity of it, just you talk about my own experience. But this is Mr. or Ms. Wrong. We're so focused on what he did, what he said, why he would do that. Why would he say those things and then do what he do? And we're so in their brains and wanting to understand the why. But the why doesn't matter. The why you should be asking is why you keep wanting him back. Right.

Because I was so f***ed up, Caitlin, and in so much pain. And all I wanted was for him to be the person that he promised me he was in the beginning. Yes. I wish we could podcast your face. I know. I'm like kidding like a teary I just because I'm like yes I totally understand I mean I will say that I mean everyone knows what I'm talking about and I shouldn't be talking about whatever like you know he was faithful and I would never find anything and never made me like that and it wasn't he wasn't you know no but everything else you're saying is how I felt and it's interesting that well you I did it for three enough years though you you got out after a year so I also think you're situation was very different where you were like committed right off the bat and planning your life together right off the bat. So it happens in different ways. All right, quick minute. As you

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and realized what like how toxic it was because a lot of people will just keep going back. Oh, 100%. I'm actually writing currently another article for Push. That's like how do you leave

your toxic relationship? So, oh, I mean, there's so many different layers and so many details we could be here for hours. But ultimately the way it ended was one night, I will never forget this.

You might not know who this person is. Anthony Weiner. Are you familiar with who he is? Why does that sound familiar? He was caught, like, engaging with teenager and his wife. He was, I want to say he was a mayoral candidate in New York, but he's some New York politician. Yes, I know now.

And my rock bottom X and I were like having a good day or a good moment or whatever. And he always met with his theater company on Monday nights. And I just that day was just like, oh, my God, did you see where Anthony Weiner was caught or something like that? Did you see that headline or whatever? and he was just like, what an idiot for getting caught. And I was like,

that's actually not funny considering like all the things that you have done. Right. I found, oh, disgusting emails between him and another woman. Like, I found so much shit and I stayed people.

This isn't about him being a dick. I stayed. That's the real issue. Right? And so he was like, oh, you know, what an idiot for getting caught, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, that's not funny.

He's like, babe, I'm just kidding. And I'm like, ha, ha, ha. So funny And crying Tears streamed down your face You really mean it though, I know it And by the way, dude You got caught so many times

I'm the freaking idiot that stayed Right So that night he was going And I was staying at a friend I was also kind of like couch surfing I was broke as a joke I didn't want to stay at my parents I was a skeleton

I was 10 pounds lighter than what I am now And like welts on my face Just like the stress on my face and like clumps of hair. I was just a shell of a human. And my parents, my dad was like, I'm concerned that you're anorexic. Right. And so that night, I was stay.

I had dinner with a friend and I just, I had a feeling. And I said, I'm going to come up and see you after after the, after your rehearsal or whatever. And he was like, no, no, babe, that's not a good idea. Like, blah, blah. And I'm like, I have a bad feeling. And I actually, I'm going to come up. And he's like, no, don't come up.

And I was like. So I'm actually already here. And he was like, hold on. And he left and came outside. And he was just like, oh, I'm going to like coach someone else on an audition or whatever. And I was just like, you're lying to me. Someone's back at your place. And he's like, you are crazy.

You are so crazy. This can never happen again. And he totally put it on me. Of course. And now I know that obviously the other woman was there. And I was just, it was such a dramatic mess. And, you know, on a street corner, totally sober for once. Monday night in New York City and I kind of like stumbled off the curb and he was like, Claire,

you're going to get hit by a car and I was like, I could give a fuck. Yeah. And so then the story became Claire's suicidal. Oh, gosh. He's another thing that narcissistic sociopaths do is they smear campaign your name, right? And so it just became that I was just this complete psycho. Now, to his credit, I actually felt like I was turning psycho. Yep. But that's what happens with gaslighting manipulation, saying one thing, doing the other thing. You have. have a bad feeling, then you can't come in and all these things. So that was really and truly the end of it. Like, and I just, I called my best friends the next day. God bless majority of them who stayed with me, but I was a freaking nightmare during that time. And so I definitely

ruined friendships at that time. And one, one of my closest friends was just like, this is it. Yeah. Like, we are not doing this again. And I just was lifeless. Yeah. And then all the truth started coming out, the overlapping of Victoria and I, and the next conversation I had with him, that ended in June of 2011. The next conversation I did have with him is that I discovered an STD in December and I hadn't been with anybody else since him because I was just. Oh, I hate this guy. And I was just like, well, the right thing to do is to contact because I now know he's dating Victoria, which is so interesting too because I texted him and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hop on the phone, but I'm just working tonight when I get off my shift. I'll call.

you. And he's like, hey, what's going on? And I was just like, so I have this thing. And he was just like, uh, I said, so you really need to tell her. And he was just like, I am not dating her. He's, I mean, oh my God. And that's where he went with that. Yeah. I'm not dating her. And meanwhile, his now sister-in-law who invited me to their wedding because she was like, I'm horrified and we love you. Yeah. We've seen him do this to multiple women over the years. All of his close people were just like, I am so sorry. You dodged a bullet. Yeah. Even though they all stay close to him, but also another thing, another big trade of narcissistic sociopaths is that they hold leadership positions where they hold power. And people are like either too scared to leave or they feel like he has something that they need from him.

So he's in that position and that's the most I'll say there. But it's so fascinating that all his quote unquote closest friends, I kept bumping into them because again, my brain was so consumed. And what I do in terms of coaching is where my whole approach in coaching is that your thoughts create your results. So my brain was so consumed by this drama. So I was getting answers and people all the time. Right. In the most random restaurants of York City and his best friend would be there. And he'd be like, are you okay?

Yeah. You know, but they all still stay with him. I mean, I love him. He's my best friend. But like, I'm like, why? Yeah. And that's the one I could go on all these different tangents. But it's like, I get it.

People are enmeshed. And look at your world, right? You're going to be friends with people who are friends with people that disrespected you and all the things. And it's like. but to me it's like 100% anyone who is associated with him anyone who has loyalties to him anyone who's friends with him anyone who's connected with him

professionally you are not allowed in my life like we are disconnected I mean it's just it's a dangerous situation and not that I'm calling him a murderer I don't think he's that but like a very damaging human being so I went off

on that side note but I think yeah no I well and I just have so many thoughts going through I'm like Yeah, I'm the same way. I feel like I kind of actually lost a couple friends just because I'm like, I can't even be in that circle. Yeah. Just your protection of your heart and your well-being and emotional well-being is more important than like, oh, but I really loved that person.

Yeah. But yeah, and that can be a painful cost to pay. Yeah. But is your emotional well-being more important? Well, I, and even when you're saying you're a shell of yourself, I mean, I was just the same way. I became so insecure and not like I was not the bright light that you are. No, I was not. I was just completely losing myself as time and time went on.

And it's just you don't see it in that moment. You just think it's you and you try and make things better for somebody else. And they keep making you feel like that is the problem. You are the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Which, yeah. And then I look back and I'm like, hell no, I wasn't.

But I did the victim thing too. for a long time, you know, like thinking I did something. And there was obviously a lot of shame held around the TV show and all these things. And it's just, again, I'm not going to sit here and bash him because I don't want to do that. But it's just, I'm just relating to things that you're saying. And I think a lot of people can. And I think what you, when you did the podcast, just really, you're vulnerable. Yeah. Monologue, if you will. Yes. My monologue, yes. I like cried listening to that. I thought it was so beautiful. And that's like, I have so much respect for you for just making it, exposing yourself in that way and sharing your story because so many people are going through it.

And also, yeah, I can only imagine, obviously mine was not as public as yours, but just to when people are rooting for you and invested in you and questioning if it was real and all of that. I can't imagine that on top of the actual heartbreak. Yeah. That was a lot. And it's interesting that you said you just hadn't done the work yet because I, I think my real rock bottom was the relationship before. And I think that's where I was actually a shell of myself. And that's when my friends were, like, concerned for me.

This last one, I have done the work. And I will always continue to do the work because there will always be work to do. But this one was different where I knew I was okay without somebody. And I was, like, happy with myself and who I was and knew I was, like, established in certain ways. And it made the breakup easier. and I think that's where your role as a heartbreak coach can come in for people because you can you can like deep dive into how they need to do the self-work to find the person that they're going to actually allow themselves to be happy with.

We'll be right back with more Off the Vine Grape Therapy. You're listening to Off the Vine Grace Therapy. Your podcast, you talk about how to stop wanting him back. Because if you think about, you know, I was talking about this with my coach and she was like, so, well, what do you do? You're a heartbreak coach, but what are you doing? Yeah, what does that look like? I help people heal their hearts. She's like, boring.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, what do you mean? No, I help you stop wanting Mr. or Ms. Wrong back. Yeah. Because that is really the woman that I want to serve whether, because we all intellectually know, this guy, right? If he did all these things or he's saying one thing. Actions are not supporting it.

Like, why do you want to be with that person? You wouldn't want your sister, your daughter, your mom, your best friend to be with someone who isn't showing up, right? But our hearts are already locked in because of the oxytocin and the serotonin that's released when you have that bond to him. And it really is an addiction, right? When you start, I deal with a deal with. I coach a lot of women who just can't seem to shake him, can't seem to get him out of his system because we are so long. for that high of what we hoped it would be. And I'm obviously an actor, so I love to fantasize.

So I'll just be like, what does the future look like? It's like everything that they're like, women are crazy. I'm like, I totally go there in my brain. Which doesn't make you crazy. Thank you, Caitlin. Yeah. No, but like the important thing is to rein it in. I remember saying once to a friend, you know, I really like him, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

And she said, why not? Yeah. Why not get your hopes up? Oh, because I don't want to feel. a disappointment. But no, go and get your hopes up, but know that you can manage your mind if your hopes get broken. If it doesn't turn out to be the person. And so another aspect of how I coach is, again, if your thoughts create your results, you can think your way into attracting your ideal person. Because you can become the woman in your brain. Caitlin's

like, you're losing me. You're losing me. No. She's nodding her head. I'm thinking about my girlfriend right now. Like, yes, you're nodding your head, yes, but your eyes are like, how does that happen? This is the woo-woo of my work. And so right now, I coach 20 clients. Yeah. Actually, I have 18 right now, so I have two spots available right now. It's shameless self-plug. But at one point, I had five clients building my business, right?

And so I really, through my work with my coach, became the woman who has 20 clients before the 20 clients arrived. Yeah. And so then literally just like two months. months ago, I said, okay, here I am. I've hit 20 clients, which was, you know, everything I wanted to create with my brain. And I, like, always committed my brain to being the future version of myself. And so I just, like, managed my schedule as if I had 20 clients. So I don't get to chit chat with every bestie that calls at Tuesday at 2 p.m. Right? Like, I really just focused my brain

and became the woman who, and became the coach who is the person with the full business, right? And so how do I make my schedule? I'm not going to be sloppy with my client schedule. I'm not going to be sloppy with my schedule even if I have those slots open. And so then I was like, okay, well, now my brain has created 20 clients. My brain can totally create one man. If I can create 20 people on my roster. What's one person? We all think it's so hard to find him. It's so hard to find him. And I'm like, well, in the same way that I thought felt and behaved my way to 20 clients, how can I think feel and behave my way to one man? Yeah. And so I just moved to a new apartment a few months back. And I like got a feng shui lady. and really just started being like, okay, if he was here, what are the thoughts that I would be thinking and how would I behave and how would I show up and how would I go about my day? Like, we always have giddy feels when like a new lover comes into our lives. So maybe I'm coaching eight clients a day, but and that might look, even though I love what I do, sometimes you're like, oh, eight emotional conversation. It's a lot. Yeah. So then I think about like, oh, but it's so fun knowing at the end of the night he'll come home and we'll have a glass of wine and I'll force.

them to watch The Bachelor with me, right? Like, you know, just thinking like, oh, those are the thoughts that I would be thinking. And then that lights up my brain to believing like he's here. And it gives me like a pitter-patter. And as a result, I've been newly dating. Oh. Which we're going to leave it at that. Okay.

Yeah. But I've been attracting a different, well, because it's so new. But like, I'm attracting a different kind of guy who's just like, what are you doing? When are you next available? Super fun. The chemistry is there. Whereas, like, over the year. is I think I've settled for less physical attraction just because he's a good guy or I'm physically

attracted and I'm a little like, you're a narcissist or boring. So that's kind of the fun part of the coaching. But in terms of the stopping, wanting him back, I think the first step is you have to be real with the fact that you do want him back. I think when people come to me and they say like, oh, my God, I just, I know I need to get over him. I know I need to get over him. And I'm like, but let's be real.

Like if you think about AA, I don't know if you're, you're familiar with the 12 steps. Yes. The first step is awareness. Yeah. Actually, I really do want him back. Yeah, he totally f***ed me over. And all my heart and my brain wants is for that time when we initially had.

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So for more information, join the LeCroy community on social at LeCroy Water or check us out at www. com. What's the next step? Well, but even so before we think, and I love that you said that because that's exactly what my clients. Okay, but then what's next, right? It's like, I don't want to talk to you about what's not working.

I want to talk to you about how I make it work and feel better. But I really, and this is like where I'm not the greatest sales lady about my work because I'm like, no, you have to feel your pain. You have to watch that your brain believes that wanting him back is the answer, right? Like if someone's trying to lose weight, right, it's hard to eat the pizza and the brownies because that's not helping you lose the weight. But it's also really hard to eat greens and drink water and start going to the gym if you haven't been doing that. Our brains are habitual. It wants to do what it's comfortable doing, even if it's not giving you the results that it wants. So both options suck, but you have to be real with what you are craving.

And notice that. And then you have to be with the urge and not satisfy it, i.e. be with the urge to want him back and block him on social media. Do not text him for any reason. Do not get together with his best friend's girlfriend to see if you can get more information on, is he hurting, seeing someone, like all the things that you want to do. You have to get really savvy with how committed you are to being with your pain while not acting on it to exasperate the pain. That's what my therapist calls it shopping for pain. Yes.

Going shopping for pain. But nobody wants to admit that. And because there's shame around while I'm not doing that to myself. I can't help it. I think when you're initially heartbroken, I do feel like that is something that you can't help. This woman, Brooke Castillo, is a huge life coach. She has an amazing podcast called The Life Coach.

and I use her coaching method with my clients and my coaches also use her method on me. And she really talks about how life is 50-50, 50% negative, 50% positive. So there are certain things like the loss of loved ones, whether that's death or a breakup or the loss of a job or the loss of money or anything like that, right? That is part of life. You feel the pain. And I don't know about you, but I know you're Canadian, but I was raised. And I'm actually originally from Ireland. My parents are off the boat and I live there as a kid.

But, you know, my parents grew up in the 50s and 60s in Ireland where it's just like, brush it under the rug. Don't cry. Just like, go be a good Christian. Yeah. And like that was just it. No one's like, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel your feeling. Let it out, right?

And I'm not saying that. I love my mom and dad. I'm about to go up on a plane to see them. Yeah. But that just wasn't their way. That wasn't what they were taught. And so I think a huge important part of this is to say, I'm in so much pain right now.

I feel it in my heart center. So I do a lot of mind-body work with my clients as well. Let's feel the pain. Let's locate it. What are you thinking that's making you feel that way? I want him back. I hate him. I miss him.

You know, like all the different, you know, the five stages of grief, right? Depression, anger. What is it? Bargaining, right? Like you go through all these different stages. I'm botching what I can't remember them now off the top of my head. but acceptance. Yeah.

I don't know. But you'll go through all these stages where, oh, I'm starting to. And that's why I asked my clients to do a six-month commitment with me because it's not a linear process. You're going to have a great week. And then all of a sudden, someone tells you that he's with someone else and you feel like you've just been broken up with all over again. You have to go through the process.

And that doesn't mean that you've come back to square one. It's like, oh, now I have this information just to your point, right? Yeah. That your last heartbreak wasn't your rock bottom. but it was still a lot of pain, but you had tools. Yes. And so like really teaching yourself how to navigate through that. And so then we talk about, again, your thoughts create your results. So if the result of being over him is what you're going for, what would you be thinking

if you were over him? Right. And so it's just we play with the brain. I'm not asking them to get off the phone in an hour session or in three sessions or six or ten sessions to be like, wow, now that I'm thinking about what I would think about in the result of being over him. Oh, now I'm just going to think that thought and never think the other thoughts again.

Of course. But it's the beginning of retraining the brain. It's expanding your brain to the possibility of being over him instead of just being like, these are the cards I'm dealt. This sucks. It's really hard. I hate more than ever when people are like,

time and space or someone else coming in is going to heal it. Now, is that true? Like, you met Jason pretty quickly. I did. Yeah. But I always try and think about that too of like how that happened so quickly because I didn't expect it

and I didn't want it. And it happened. So I think that's exactly it. You didn't want it. You weren't looking for it. You didn't want it. And it just happened. So someone could say to me,

look at Caitlin Bristow. She met Jason right away. And yeah, everyone's on her own journey. And like it's clearly working out for you. Right. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. And I'm obsessed with him.

He's great. Let him know. But yeah, that like, sure, that can happen. And like I had a client and she said to me, but my sister, you know, she's single and she had just gotten off the heels of a pretty toxic relationship. And, you know, I was like, we're teaching her the thought work and everything. And she said, but it just sucks. Like my sister went through heartbreak and she, you know, did a couple of therapy sessions. And she met her husband and has two kids. And I'm like, but that's her journey. And so I'm here to just say your journey right here right now. What do you want to think to be in the result of being over him? And you can't want what other people have. But everyone does, especially when it comes to their love life, for sure. Yeah. I just had a consultation with someone last night, and she was like, well, I'm 28. And so, like, I feel like if you're not getting married when everybody else is and, you know,

you're doing the whole bridesmaid thing for eight million other weddings and not yours, then you're on a journey. And I said, well, I love that. And that was exactly me. All my friends were starting to settle down and get married at 28. And I was like, I was so out of my own mind. But I can truly say at almost 39 and single and take it or leave it, I think the reason why I do what I do. And I just signed a client, she said, I was listening to your podcast.

And when you just said how complete and fulfilled and happy you are sitting in your apartment alone, I was like, I knew I needed to hire you. Yeah. To really feel fulfilled. Now, I want love in my life. I'm very clear about that. Yeah. But I'm also really happy alone. Yeah.

And if someone was to say to me, you know, no, do you want them to come today? 100% yes. but I think the importance is I'm so in love with myself now and I hadn't been. So that becomes the work. It's like healing over him. And then what is it about you that you're rejecting of yourself? And how did you figure that out? Did you see a therapist?

Great question. I went to a few therapists in New York and I hated all of them. I was searching and I was, you know, doing all the yoga and the meditation and the self-help books and relying on my friends, driving them crazy. And I went to three different therapists and they were terrible. And it wasn't, and I knew that it wasn't like, oh, therapists are terrible. I knew it was just I wasn't finding the right ones, but I was also super broke. And so I was spending money that I didn't have on them and just not feeling better.

One wanted to medicate me, like right off the bat. Really? Yeah. And I'm not anti-medication, but I personally have never been on medication. And like no one, no one said, let's do mindfulness tools. Right. So cut to go to L.A., and I've interviewed her on my podcast, Ashley Graber, saved my life. So I went to therapy first and we did a lot of healing of that relationship.

But like I started seeing her two years after that rock bottom relationship. But I also want to make clear, I've been heartbroken since that, right? But to your point, actually a couple of years ago, I got heartbroken by a guy who was not a narcissistic sociopath. And he was the inspiration to create the heartbreak coach niche. So I had been coaching before, but I kept it very general. And then when I got heartbroken by him, I was like, I have the tools. now. I don't think anybody is talking about heartbreak in the way that I'm talking about it and I'm not going to be quiet about this. I'm going to talk about how I'm moving through

the process of this and going to love myself consciously through this because we automatically want to beat ourselves up and say, what if I didn't say that to him? What if I did this differently? What if I didn't get angry that one night or whatever? And it's like, no, everything unfolded perfectly. Yeah. That's, it's just so interesting. Like, how so many people can relate and how everybody goes through this, but everybody feels so alone. So alone. And you feel like you're a crazy person to have all these thoughts. I get that from my clients all the time. Like, aren't I crazy or what's wrong with me that I'm still thinking about him? The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think that there's something wrong

with you. Yeah. Really and truly. Yeah. Can you just, and that's really what I learned from Ashley first is loving compassion of myself with what is and making peace with the pain. and then the coaching comes in with how do I transform this story with my mind with thought tools to really commit my brain to the future version of myself of being healed, happy, whole, and independent and transforming my victim story into my heroin story. Like I can honestly say, Caitlin, that rock bottom story where I was a shell of a human inside and out is the best thing that ever happened to me. Totally.

And it took me a long time to get there. There were the three or four years following that, again, because I didn't really have the foundational tools that I needed. I literally said, you know, I've always been like, everything happens for a reason. I was like, f*** this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. And I didn't open my heart for a really long time because I was like, falling in love is dangerous. And I can honestly say that in the last few couple of months, as I've opened myself up to dating in a much more conscious way, because I was very, and I've talked about this on my podcast, married to my business for the last year because I really wanted to get it to a place where

it was just a full practice and really commit to taking care of my podcast and the writing and all of that. And now that I'm opening my heart up again. My brain still goes, it's safer to be alone. Yeah. And it's my job to be like, no, it isn't. And you know, the risk of here's the deal. And I have so many clients who say, I just don't want to get hurt again. I'm like, I can't guarantee you that. And I can't guarantee myself that. I can just guarantee that I have the tools to move through it. And I know that heartbreak won't kill me. Right. And I think sometimes we feel like you're going to die people have i know you just even talked about a panic attack recently and like you know that it can feel that way and i know that yours came up out of nowhere

and jason was with you yeah obviously but just the i've had that panicky feeling when i feel like someone's going to leave me and um and no i can really rein it in and move through it because in bernay brown talks about this are you familiar with her work obsessed right um you know you have to be willing to fall so deep and be willing to have your heart broken again. But like your heart won't be broken if you're not willing to let yourself fall so deep. Right. And so is it worth it?

And for me, I have to tell myself, I want. No, Claire, you do want it. You do want it. I do. I do the same thing. I like, even though I was, you know, in a place where I wasn't looking and what, because at the same time, I got into this relationship with Jason, I was really open and honest with him. And I told him, I was like, I'm too scared to like fall in love again because I feel

like everybody disappoints me. And yeah, you're going to be so great right now and you're going to be so in love with me. And you're going to, but that'll change after like six, seven months. And then the other journey will start where you, I would, I will want that Jason back that I first met because that's what every guy does to me. They fall in love and they're going to be this great person and they build me up and then they take me down. And he was like, I don't know who you've dated, but that is not me. And I'm like, yes, it is. it's everybody like I was still closed off and like not I was too scared I thought falling in love

was so dangerous so what changed to for you to believe him I don't know I guess just his consistency but he I think he didn't make me feel crazy for that he wanted to like help me through it and show me that he's not that person and so I guess over time I just like started believing him I still have weak moments where I think he's going to turn or do something but he's just so, like, he's so secure in himself that he can, like, talk me through that and understand where I'm coming from because he has a, he has, his parents who've been married happily for 35 years, whose dad still, like, just adores his mom. And they just have all had really healthy relationships.

And so I think, obviously, I like to think, oh, I was 18. So my parents are still friends. So the divorce didn't affect me, but it does. And he can, he can actually look in. to why I feel those things and see how everybody's proved me right in believing that. So he wants to prove me wrong. And so he's really good at just listening and talking through my struggles. Yeah.

I love that. And as a coach and thinking of all your listeners, they're like, so I just need to find a Jason. No. Because they think that. But I think the real thing is, is that you had already been through a rock bottom before your last. Uh-huh. And you said you had the tool. and you were very vocal and communicative with him and completely like, I'm not ready.

And he was like, I'm going to show you. And you said, okay, because you actually could have said, no, I'm out. I'm not doing this. And you could have pushed him away. And you're still leaning into your vulnerability. So I just want anyone who's listening who thinks that the next good guy is the answer, I don't, I think that that's not true. That's a really good point. Yeah.

I really do want people to know that too because a lot of people do say, like, I just want people used to say I want to find my Sean and I'd be like you just see Instagram but again I don't bash but like people say that too like I want to find adjacent and I'm like yeah I mean it's great but you're so right that you have to find yourself before you will find a Jason and lean in you were leaning into your pain and you were being really vulnerable and honest about your experience and working with a therapist and doing the things and being really transparent with him you know And so, yeah. We even talk about, like, going to a counselor together just to, like, keep it good.

Yes. That's my dream. Yeah. You're so cute. Seriously, though, because, like, let's just make sure because I think that there are sneaky things that happen. Yeah. Or circumstances occur. Yeah. And we have sneaky thoughts that kind of swim in the back and swim under the surface.

And then you have a few drinks. And then he says one thing and you're like, I do it. Yeah. Yeah. And create this whole. bullshit story and it creates this rift between you that was so unnecessary but if you're just constantly and consistently even if it's a meeting with someone twice a month or once a month to just be like a check-in yeah i think that's awesome all right there are so many reasons why i love

fall like the cozy sweaters and holidays and one huge reason that i look forward to fall every year is some of my favorite tv shows are back baby so many bingeable shows that i'm obsessed with come back on year and hulu has all of them right in one place but seriously everybody hulu has the tv you love and all for five 99 a month that's like the price of a pumpkin spice latte but instead of one beverage that doesn't even taste like pumpkin sorry i said it you'll get your favorite shows i've been really into the voice lately i don't know i think my favorite coach is probably blake shilton or maybe kelly clark said ma kelly clark said it's hard to decide but hulu has great anatomy which is an all-time fave oh and this is us if you're really in the mood to shed some

tears which i always am and can't forget family guy you guys know i feel about family guy so if you love tv as much as i do and don't want to miss the new stuff go to hulu.com and start your free trial today if somebody keeps proving you right and hurting you and then coming back and just being like okay but now i'm going to therapy and now i want to go to therapy with you. Do you believe them? You know, it's hard to say because every situation is unique in and in and of its own right. But I think if someone keeps doing it and going back and going back and then they're like, but now I'm going to therapy, call me in six months and we'll see if something's changed. Right. You know, because I think when someone finally does go to therapy,

a lot of shit is going to come up. Yeah. And it has nothing to do with you on the receiving end. If he's going and doing his work and then if he's connecting the dots, but also trying to like figure out where you fit in, I think that that's really hard to do. And then you're kind of waiting there being like, but he's doing the work on himself. And especially I'm speaking from a point of view of an unmanaged empathic mind and heart, right? Like, oh, he's doing the work and I have the capacity to hold all this love for all of this dysfunction and pain that he's having. But then I'm just conscious of anybody who's listening. And if you've been in a relationship with someone for five years and he's going to therapy now, like,

you may want to stay, but also like, just are you in therapy? Are you doing the work? Are you wanting to be really clear of that? I just think if someone keeps coming back and sucking you back and sucking you and discarding you and coming back and sucking back in and discarding you and narcissists will take like when they really think that they've lost you, they will take that suck back into the next level by saying something like, oh, but now I'm going to therapy. So it's like, oh, no, it really is different this time. And I think that that's where, and I just talked about this with my therapist and my own podcast, can you get really quiet with yourself? And I think a lot of silence and inward work and really listening to your gut and your intuition.

Do you really believe that that's the answer? I've even thought about a breakup from a few years ago. And he really just broke up with me abruptly after like saying that he like talking about marriage in a future. But he was going through his own shit. And some people were like, there's no way he's done with you, you know? And because I'm so amazing. that one. Yeah, of course. How could he possibly be? No, he was done. But, you know, when they break up with you and you're just like, and also, because I literally, he was just saying, I see myself falling in love with you so quickly. And he wrote me, we were struggling, obviously, and two days before he broke up with me, sent me this beautiful text message that was just like, I fear that you think that I'm not putting in the work as much as you are and I want you to know that I want. I mean, just like, he was really trying. I was really trying. And then he just was like, I'm done. And where am I going with

this? We just said, why am I bringing that? Oh, oh, people were saying, I think he'll come back. And I said, if he comes back, I would know the difference. And he would have needed to have done a lot of work on himself to really show up in the way. Because he was doing a lot of hot and cold. I think there's a whole other thing. I'd love to diagnose my. exes, but dismissive avoid an attachment behavior. Not an evil human, but just hot, hot, hot, cold, cold, push, pull, push, pull, push, pull, push, pull. I really, really want you. I don't know.

I'm scared. And he had broken up with every single woman that he had ever been with, and he was 38 years old, like, red flag. And I, but I entered with eyes wide open. I'm like, I know this man wants a commitment. Side note, my best friend saw him on Bumble, and she was like, I think this is your ex, which she had never met him in person. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, my God, totally. And what did I ever see in him? I was so unattracted when I think about, like, the person I'm newly seeing now, which is like the difference in like, ugh. And it's so amazing. Isn't it nice to look back and feel that? Yeah. Yes. Yes.

I was just like so not attracted. And he was like, down to earth, blah, blah. I'm like, no, you're not. Oh, yeah. Good luck with that. Yeah. But I think you would know the difference if someone had really done the work on himself. I'm friends with a couple of exes from over the years.

One has done so much work on himself and we're just good friends now. But like if he wanted to date someone, I'd be like, yes. Really? Yeah. Like he had done a lot of work in himself. We understood like why we attracted each other at the time and the drama that happened. And you can just tell when someone has a ton of awareness and is really clear about the blocks that have held him back or the blocks that have created the behavior of the hot and the cold or all in and then dropping. So there is.

a possibility for people to change if they put in the work. Yes, but don't wait for him to do it. Yeah. Like if you're ready and willing to do the work, I mean, during my rock bottom, my mom's like, you're meditating, you're in therapy, you're doing all these things. What's he doing? Yeah. You know, like you have to both really want to be committed to doing the work. And I think that it's a slippery slope to be like, ooh, he's going to therapy. And also, you know, great in that effort, but is he going to the right therapist? Because there's a lot of shitty coaches and a lot of shitty therapists out there. Like, is he going to one word, like, he's really implementing the change. Right. So, yes, it is possible to change, but I don't sit around and wait for them to do it.

Yeah. Is my stance on that. Yeah. We'll be right back with more Austin Vine. Great Therapy. All right. If you guys like my show, you're going to love Heather DeBrow's World on podcast one. The former real housewife of Orange County turned bestselling author is coming at you two times a week to share her stories about life and chats it up with some fabulous guests over some champs you don't want to miss a second of it check out heather de bros world every week on apple podcasts and podcast one now back to off the vine grape therapy i know everyone should go read the full articles if they want to know everything about these subjects but i wanted you to quickly

tell me about some of these articles you've written and what you'd recommend for the following topics okay okay how to tell you're with mr wrong oh so good um First of all, again, listen to your gut. And I think right off the bat, when they're expressing all these over-the-top feelings for you, they can't possibly know that they feel that way. They don't know you. And I think we get so carried away with the fantasy. Like, is it nice to be like, I like this about you. You're really beautiful, like, whatever, or that they show up and are consistent, sure.

But just when they're like planning the rest of their lives with you or, you know, I think that that's a red flag, which is so. confusing because you're like wait he's really into me yeah um and then i also think when they flake right or if you can't um if you're and this is for if you're really wanting to be in a relationship right but if you're dating someone and they can't like lock down a time to see you or you're wondering like when am i going to see what about if you're engaged to them and living with them and they can't lock down a time is that your experience yeah but i'm like that was it is and they can't lock down a time yeah that's a problem yeah like it's so now I see that where I'm like gosh if you know if you're just dating someone and they can't that's a huge red flag yeah yeah I hate not knowing when that said

let's say you have a date on Friday night and it went really well and it's now Monday and you're like I just don't know when I'm going to see him like calm down right like but if it's Thursday and he's like what are you doing tomorrow night I think that there's something to be said about boundaries with your time yeah I'm a very busy person so I do need a little bit of time in advance and I really liked my precious time with my friends and the people I'm dating, person I'm dating, is really important to me. And knowing that we have a plan is important to me. But yeah, if you're asking me on a Thursday to hang out that night or a Friday to hang out

that night, like, I'm not available. So really, and that's for me, right? So really making sure what does work, but just not being so available for them whenever they feel like it on a whim. I also think when they're just constantly talking about themselves and not really checking in with you and asking you how you are and your life is and it's just all about them is a big red flag. If he's constantly hiding his phone from you, I think that that's really not a great sign.

I think you know deep down in your gut when things, when he's not, you know, like you can tell pretty quickly if you work on being self-aware, you can tell pretty quickly. if a guy is not a good, you know, match for you. Totally. I think it's just about paying attention. I mean, you know better than me, but like, paying attention to those, all the little things that you would not want in a relationship. And then on the flip side of this, like, Mr. Wrong, we think of Mr. Wrong as, like,

the bad guy. But what if you're just with a nice guy and you're super fucking bored? Yeah. Like, but it's just nice to have someone. Right. Bullshit. Go enjoy yourself. Yeah.

But if, like, downtime, like, the guy I'm newly seeing, like, when we're just like chilling and watching Netflix. I'm just like, oh, really? Yes. Like, I just love, like, like, soaking in the so-called boring moments, right? Like, I just really appreciate the simple moments versus, like, where are we going to dinner and what are we doing next? And, like, I just, the downtime for me, especially just because I'm tired a lot with, like, what I do. It's a lot. And so just to, like, relax into someone's arms and not, like, necessarily feel like I have to be on. Yeah. Right? So, you're just like, oh, this is kind of mhr. It's just

just leave him. And you're wanting to be bored with someone else versus just bored with yourself is a problem for you. It's not about him. That's a good point too. And how to successfully be friends with benefits. So fun. It could be so fun

and this is so controversial. I got a lot of heat for this article. Really? Yes. Oh my gosh. Tell me more. Because people are like, oh, that's disrespecting your body or that doesn't work or whatever. First of all, we're human beings. I know you agree with this for everything that you have been through. If we want to have sex, have sex.

I'm sorry. Shame me, troll me all you want people. No, you, this group of vinos, they won't troll. Yeah, I love you guys. But I could, I just think you've got to be really savvy with who you're doing it with. Yeah. So there are definitely people that I have done that with. Yeah.

And it's like, I am so clear. I did with mom and dad definitely don't listen but I definitely had that with an ex and like the next morning he would be like cuddly and I'm like we don't even have to cut it because I was so clear that like I loved him as a person love the history that we had but I was just like yeah no you don't even

but he's so sweet that maybe he didn't want to and he felt he should I don't know but it was so mutual even if he was cuddling me like there's just like a love there but it is not the same kind of love and just like getting my needs met, him getting his needs met. And like, he'll tell me he's like, oh, I'm in a relationship right now. Like that like we can talk about our dating experiences.

Obviously, we've never when either of us is in a relationship. But getting super clear that you are really just friends. And I used to believe this too, that it wasn't possible. Yeah. But no, really get clear. Like, are you just looking to get your needs met? Yeah. And then also don't text him incessantly or don't let.

him text you incessantly or her because then you're getting confused it becomes a gray area I also think friends with benefits should not be a regular thing with the same person because that also gets confusing

and finally my stance on this is let's say you do start hooking up and you're like wait do I have feelings really get clear on that and if you are starting to have feelings you've got to stop yeah so you have to be really savvy with yourself but people were saying like that doesn't work

that doesn't last it might not work for some people but it might work for some people if you allow your mind to go to the right place and if you have the conversations with the other person about what it is. If you're going through a drought and you know what works, why not? I agree with that.

And some people can do that on their own and some people can't. So to each their own. I hate what people get trolled for that kind of thing because like you're not saying everybody should do it. No.

You're saying here are the steps and it works. Yes, but really don't bullshit yourself. Yeah, exactly. All right. So as you guys likely know by now, I struggle with anxiety in pretty much my daily life. And I've tried to be open about it because I think it's important to talk about the fact

that a lot of us struggle with anxiety, stress, pain, trouble sleeping. It's important to know that you're not alone. I've been looking for solutions to help me with my anxiety. And one that I have discovered recently is called Feels, which I'm excited to tell you about this new sponsor. Because Feels is premium CBD delivered directly to your doorstep. so what it does is naturally it helps reduce stress anxiety pain sleeplessness i know that it's really been helping me a lot lately to sleep better and to calm down when i'm feeling anxious and i love

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my best every day and it can help you too. Become a member today by going to fields.com slash vine and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's F-E-A-L-S. Okay, well let's get to a confession. Because we have to do that.

And then we're going to play a game and then we'll do questions from listeners. Okay, so my confession is dedicated to my best friend, Heather, who said you have to tell this. story. Okay. The buildup is big because it's not actually about what happened.

It's really what I said. Okay. I'm already getting hot and head. That means it's a good confession. Well, I know you love a toot story. I always love a toot story. The fact that you call a toot is everything I don't, but I call it that for you. It's cute.

Cute toot. Yeah. Okay. So I was, oh my God, I already feel anxious. Like my heart is like, are you really telling this story? I was going on a hike with my boyfriend at the time a few years ago, and it was super hot in L.A. And I had my water bottle. He had his water bottle.

And this was a testament to what a shitty boyfriend he was. He had like a warm room temperature water bottle, which basically was hot by the time we got to the hike. And I had like ice cold water in my little bottle. And he drank the whole bottle pre the hike. And then for some reason, we freaking forgot the other water bottle. It was like a two hour hot ass hike. And we start going up. We climbed to the top, all the things.

And I was starting to feel really dehydrated and a little gassy. Yeah. Yeah. And so we were coming back. And then I was like, which is the lesser of the two evils, run and potentially like faint from dehydration, which has happened to me before? Or just like walk and take it easy. And I was like, I just need to run or whatever. Yeah.

And then as we were running down, I like kind of tripped and rolled over my ankle and totally. Don't he farted. Like loud? Super loud. And he goes, he goes, what are you okay? And mind you, I had tripped. And also he was like a germaphobe.

Like everything was gross to him. Oh, no. This was not a guy that was like cool with farting. And I had rolled over my ankle as it happened. And so I go, I swear I'll get it out. I can't wait. This better be good.

He goes, whoa, are you okay? And I go, yeah, I just like rolled over my ankle. You didn't even acknowledge the part? Because clearly that's the sound that happens when I roll over my ankle. You pretended that I was like, you're like, yeah, that was just the ankle cracking. And it was never acknowledged. Oh, my God. And then that's when he never talked to again.

And then he broke up with me. And I just don't understand why. I hate if guys aren't like, I hate if guys can't handle girls farting. I'm like, get over it. I weirdly do like to keep that, especially in the beginning. Yeah, yeah. But like, I just, I was especially cautious of him because he's just like, everything's gross to him and like dirt and all the things like he was just like

anal retentive no pun yeah about like all that shit no pun yeah so I was like just like I couldn't oh my god but I rolled over my ankle my best friends like will not let me live that one down oh did you just roll over your ankle that's what I'm gonna call it now when I tut oh I just rolled over my ankle that's so funny but I like to premise it with your fault dude you drank all my water yeah yeah totally totally his fault for your toot and ankle roll that's so funny I think my favorite part of that story was just you trying to get it out and like laughing so hard then there's jason this morning I was like showing Rachel I have like my girlfriend's here from New York and I love Rachel she's here in the room and I was showing her this like gift closet that I have like full of goodies I was like yeah go through it and the door was open and it was right by um my bedroom and jace was like hey uh i'm in here i'm like in the bedroom and i was like well of course you know you're in there and he was like i'm in there and then i go in and then he's just pooping with the doors open and i was like oh are you are you pooping and he was like yeah and i was like oh

sure he'd love you telling this story he is going to murder me he's going to absolutely murder me but it was just so funny because i'm like okay and we're there and it doesn't bother me so Some people might think that's so disgusting, and I'm like, I think it's cute. I'm like, oh, we're there. Like, find it hot that he did that. We just crossed the next level. Yes. Okay, now I have a game for you.

The game is relationship deal breakers. Are the following relationship deal breakers for you. Okay. That's not really a game. It's just more of a Q&A. I hope I win. Yeah, you're going to win this. He uses a lot of emojis in his text messages.

just no not a deal breaker okay he won't tell you the passcode for his phone uh i have a problem with anyone who needs the passcode for his phone i agree with that i i don't know jason's passcode and i don't oh that's a problem i don't know it because i'm like if i need it i'll just use his face idea and put it up to his face but yeah but here's the thing if i'm like oh i need something my phone died what's your password and he's like i'm not giving that to me that's a deal breaker. Well, I wouldn't be like I'm breaking up with you, but I'd like, that's a problem. Right. Red flag. His mom still does his laundry. Weird. Again, not a deal breaker, but I'd be like, babe, what's up with that?

Let's grow up a little bit. He tells you that he's cheated in the past. That's a problem for me. Okay. I mean, if we, I would appreciate, again, I was just asked this question is, you know, are all nars, are all cheaters narcissists? And I think, look, at the end of the day, let's say someone's been married for 20, years. They have three kids. Both people have jobs and their marriage was kind of asleep at the wheel. And then you meet someone on a business trip or at work and they just like light you up again. I understand how that happens. And I don't think that that makes you a narcissist or a bad person. I think that means two people are asleep at the wheel. Is it salvageable? Yes. If you both want to figure it out. Yeah. Cheating is definitely a deal breaker for me. I think with what I do now and where I'm at in my life, I can't imagine being asleep at the wheel in my own relationships. But I you cheat in the past, I would need a lot more information. But yeah, I was about to say something in my new situation. I'm not going to share it. I like it.

Keep it a little private. He follows some pretty graphic accounts on Instagram. Problem. Yeah. That's a problem for me. I agree. I don't need to follow hot guys. I know.

What do you get from that? Nothing. Like just looking at guys with like, imagine you just followed guys who just had big dicks. Yeah, like John Hamm. Yeah. Like John Hamm. I feel like his dick probably has. I think his dick has an actual Instagram account.

Oh, yeah, imagine like what I really don't. Yeah, I get what you mean. I always think like, what are you still like in high school, like needing to follow these? Yeah, no, that's just weird. Yeah, I agree. He is. Friends with an ex. That's on there.

Okay. He's addicted to his phone. it's not a deal breaker it's so funny i was actually just coaching a client on this last night her guy is always on his phone yeah i mean i like to be present with my guy if he's constantly on his phone that is a problem yeah for sure yeah and then being friends with an ex i'm friends with exes so i um i think you just really have to know your man and i think for me um i am so clear that the two friends that I am friends with, two friends I'm friends with. That, I mean, they talk to me about their dating lives.

And I tell them about mine that it really is platonic and that if the person I'm dating was in the same room as myself and the exes, that he would feel totally comfortable. And I just think now, as I'm newly dating, it's like, do you just fully trust this person? Are you choosing to trust this person? I just sort of appreciate the transparency. Like, I'm, yeah. I mean, I've already made it clear to the person I'm new dating. That's so important to say the boundaries.

And, yeah, I always say from my, I did a podcast in New York with this girl who's a therapist. And she said it's about boundaries and your negotiables and non-negotiables. I love it. And it's like you just set that up from the get go. And yeah. Yeah. But the non-negotiables can sometimes change. Yeah.

You know? Because like if you find, again, It's too early to say, but you'll have to bring me back. Yeah, I'm very good. Yeah. There are things about him that I've learned that weren't a part of my plan for the future. And I'm really looking to be with someone who I want certain things with. But like, I also feel this amazing connection that I'm like, oh, life offers you different, presents you with different opportunities, different people.

And I've always lived a very unconventional life compared to my friends. And so, you know, is the person worth it? for you to adjust to what you thought was non-negotiable without sacrificing who you are at your core. That was me. I was like, well, I'll never date a guy from the Bachelor world. I say that so many times. And I was like, that was a non-negotiable for me.

But here we are. Jason also totally broke the, I mean, 100% it just made so much sense. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you. Well, thanks for being here for this podcast. Thank you so much. And let everyone know where they can find you, like Instagram and how they can sign up if they,

yes, absolutely. Thank you. But first before I do. you. I just want to say I adore you and congratulations for the people's choice nomination and just I'm so happy for you for the life that you've created. And I wanted to come on here because I wanted, I just respected your vulnerable. I have. I mean, I've watched since Farmer Chris. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Journey and have loved you throughout all of it. And I just think what you do is so amazing and your fun and your spirit. And you just stood out again. I mean, and I love so many of the bachelor. Yeah. Yeah. But you are just such a. standout person for Bachelor Nation and your transparency and vulnerability throughout all of it. And then watching your fairy tale ending is just so beautiful and inspiring.

So I'm, and I'm just so honored to be here and, like, chat with you. It's like a total dream come true. So the sweetest. You don't make me cry. Aren't I? Aren't I? That's so nice. Thank you for saying that.

Really and truly, you're unbelievable. Thank you for saying that. Well, now you're going to have a new friend because I feel like we really hit it off. I knew we would. Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for saying that. Seriously.

And it's not bullshit. It's actually true. Thank you. I feel that. I feel that. But people can find me at Claire the Heartbreak Coach on IG. Claire is C-L-A-I-R-E, the Heartbreak Coach. And you can find me also.

You can go to my site, Claire theheartbreakcoach.com. And my podcast is called How to Stop, wanting him back. You can find it on Spotify, iTunes. You can also find it on my website. Oh, awesome. And email and everything is there. And, yeah, it's a six-month one-on-one coaching program. I don't coach for any longer or any less.

I do re-up contracts with clients if we've got more to do, more to go. But I don't do less than that because I'm really looking to work with women who not only want to – I just got an email the other day and was like, I need advice on what to do in this breakup. And it's so much bigger than that. Right. I really want to help guide you to heal your heart, but also fall in love with yourself. And, yeah, sure, create space for Mr. Wright to come in or miss. right to come in but then it's like if your brain isn't consumed with all the things mr wrong

didn't all the heartbreak then what do you do with your brain right that can create so much more in your life so that's what I'm really passionate about and you're obviously I love that you're passionate about it and that you are healthy but because that is a lot to take on in a day and and you got to be the right person to do that so thank you so much and your session's now ending Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.1.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV?

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