Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Delusional Confidence with Gabriella Halikas

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

If you want to be inspired, tap that play button. After walking in her first New York Fashion Week show, Gabriella Halikas joins Kaitlyn on the podcast to share how she used delusional confidence to create an incredible modeling career for herself. Not only has she worked her way into the modeling industry, but she is here to change it. She's using her platform to advocate for issues she's personally faced, from body discrimination to the lack of representation on the runway. As the CEO of confidence, Ella inspires so many people to love the body they are in and chase their wildest dreams. And even if your dreams seem unrealistic to others, never give up. (Right, Cory? #CheckOnCory) THANK YOU to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the vinos: JUST THRIVE: You can save 20% off the dynamic duo bundle of Just Thrive probiotic and Just Calm when you go to JustThriveHealth.com and use code VINE at checkout. OUAI: Live life your OUAI and get your fast fix for healthy-looking hair. Go to theouai.com and use code VINE for 15% off any purchase. JENNI KAYNE: Find your forever pieces at jennikayne.com/home. Our listeners get 15% off your first order when you use code VINE at checkout. DRAFTKINGS: Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW, sign up with promo code VINE, and new customers get a deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Michigan/New Jersey/Pennsylvania/West Virginia). Please play responsibly. In partnership with Hollywood Casino at Charles Town Races in West Virginia. All games regulated by the West Virginia Lottery. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. 21+. Physically present in Connecticut/Michigan/New Jersey/Pennsylvania/West Virginia only. Void in Ontario. One per opted-in new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Max match $100 in casino credits which require 1x play-thru within 7 days. See terms at casino.draftkings.com/playerschoice. Restrictions apply.  Follow Us on Instagram:@offthevinepodcast@kaitlynbristowe@ellahalikas  Join the Off the Vine Facebook group to connect with fellow Vinos!  Want to watch the episode instead? We gotchu. Check out Off the Vine on the Tube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash players' choice. Restrictions apply. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting. I just got back from Italy, like, oh my God. fun. A week ago. Well, I actually am going again the after tomorrow. Stop. No, I love that. Eat, pray, love. I'm taking my mom to Italy the second time. I went for F1 the first time. Oh, fun. It was so fun. I just love the Italian lifestyle. I love the people over there. Everybody's so present. Yeah, I love that. When we were in Milan the other day, I looked around, and my girlfriend and I were on our phones.

And I looked around and I said, Rachel, we've got to put our phones down. Look around us. Every single person, and this place was packed. People were standing in the streets just to be a part of. this like little outside space that we were in. Not one person was on their phone. They didn't even have the phone out and everybody was just talking and like look at each other in the eyes and like having conversation. And I was like, holy shit. Wow. And I just feel like that's how they live over there. They eat good food, drink socially. They have good conversation. Everybody's like in good moods. Right. Everywhere. It's right. It's like the way of life. Yeah. I want to live. I took a 23 of me and when I found out there's no Italian in my blood. It was a sad day. Right. What's your background? I'm super British.

British. I'm super British, a tiny, tiny bit Native American. Okay, cool. That's pretty much it. Is your tan natural? Absolutely not. Okay. I was like, you look so glowy tan. I'm like, are we Italian? It is a fresh spray tan. Perfect. Perfect. I have one too. We love a good spray. Oh, gosh. It's kind of a problem for me with spray tan. Let me just say thank you for coming first of all. Because we're going to, I know. We're just going to keep talking about. Which I could do. People know it's like an unhealthy addiction. I have to spray tans. And I feel like I go from. a three to a seven when I don't have one to when I have one. No, it's a thing, though. It's a thing. Like, it literally makes you more attractive, like the glow. It looks rested. Like I've slept. Right. Slept, rested, natural glow. Maybe it was on vacation. My skin gets clearer. It's like weird. Yes. I know. I love a spray tan. We love spray tan's here. And so you got spray tag because kind of a big deal while you're here. Fashion week. New York is bananas during fashion week. I usually try to avoid it unless I'm like doing something with it but yeah because never do i ever feel more insecure than when i'm in new york of fashion week i need your delusional confidence which we will talk about which we will talk about but i'm like i need

me some of that every time i come to new york in general i'm like why are people just so much better looking here no it's insane and well but you also don't understand it's like glam it's hair it's stylus like that's true it's not a casual thing you know you've had a lot of experience obviously in modeling but this was your first time walking in a fashion show yeah yeah Like you've done swim, but you've never done fashion. Yeah. How was it? How did it compare?

It was so crazy because you think about different things. So for swim, I love swim because I feel like the most free, which is so interesting because most people are like in a bikini, aren't you more like, you know, maybe insecure? Like everything's jiggling. You're literally like almost naked in front of all these people. Right. But I weirdly feel more confident and more free and just freeing and like blowing kisses and like loving on your curves.

But then when you're fashion, it's almost this like. poised. You've got to be New York. It's high fashion. It's like head up tall. They'll walk a certain way. And then you have long dresses. And then you can't trip on it. But then the heels you're wearing are taller. So like when I do swim, I'm usually barefoot. So it's like now I have to live your best life. Literally. In a bikini. And I'm like, so I have to wear heels, a long dress that I'm going to trip on. So I think you're thinking more about that when you're in a dress. Like I had to like kick to make sure the dress was going up. So you don't trip on it. And then I think I I think I did. I think I did good. I was really excited. I like walked off stage and like was a little

emotional. I was like, oh, that was like I did it. Like I just felt so happy and proud. Yeah. Good. I'm glad you had that moment. I had that moment. That's awesome because just from doing research and learning more about you, it's like, you kind of knew you would be in this place. Like, or you knew you were deserving of it. So to actually get there and know you worked your ass off to get there is, I'm glad you had a moment to like be proud. Yeah. And like feel those emotions. Because. that is a big deal and that's huge that's yeah can I tell you something so interesting is just listening to you talk about being in a bathing suit I am so insecure in a bathing suit yet so confident naked and it makes no sense wow like I get the feeling free naked like I'm like oh I get that right but I don't feel free in a bikini so I kind of feel the same way not so much a bikini but like with clothes like I feel like way more sexy and confident naked and free than like in clothes so like I can see that I think a lot of people can relate to you. And, like, I'd be curious people listening, tap in because I'm actually, like, really

curious about that. Me too. It's a thing. Maybe it's, like, our most raw state. Yeah. So we're, like, feeling free. I've always been that way, too. Like, my mom has photos of me.

She's like, you never wanted to wear clothes. Really? I always wanted to be naked. I would take piano lessons. And then as soon as the instructor would leave, I would get naked and play the piano. Stop. That is so funny. You were feeling free.

I really was. I'm just feeling the music, you know. Yeah. Maked. Like it and raw with the music. That should be a segment or a series. Literally. Naked music playing.

Naked piano. Yeah. Just like a couple black boxes over like, have you ever watched Bachelor in Paradise? Yes. But like the black boxes over. Yeah. On like the censored. Yeah.

Like censored out. That's so awesome. Well, congratulations. I'm so glad you had that moment and that you got to do that. How did you teach yourself how to walk on the runway? Because you never did that way before. So I think I saw on Instagram you were like watching how other people did it. And then you're like, okay, got to do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walked my first show ever, which is so crazy, was Sports Illustrated. And that was in 2021. That is so cool. It was wild. Yeah. I love Sports Illustrated because they celebrate everybody. Yeah.

Age, body types, color, everything. Yeah. So inclusive. Very empowering. just like girls girl group like it's such a great organization to be a part of but it was crazy that that was my first runway in Miami swimming that I walked and it's so funny because most people that aren't in the industry wouldn't know this but like no one teaches you how to walk right like I thought it was going to be like we were backstage right like then we would have a director come out and

everyone get on the line and like stand up taller put your foot higher like I like thought it was going to be a little less important nope just go out and kill it we were like wait what so then we were kind of like looking at each other like okay maybe just add like a little bit more on your toes like a step on it and then someone's like maybe do this or like take a little bit go slower like you're going a little fast but like we were kind of coaching each other for such a prestigious organization like you would think someone would teach us so so wild so backstage i was practicing for this fashion it was my first time i was watching like bella haddeed before yeah and like cat walks on youtube like no one taught me how to do that youtube did like youtube education yeah that's where i learn a lot of things so no literally bless Thank you. And like TikTok, I was scrolling on for you of like runway walks. Like just to get ideas of posing and like how people move. But at the end of the day, I think it's like with runway, you can't go to runway coaching maybe and like pay for that. But a lot of people it's not like accessible or like where do you find that? Who's actually good? Who's a scam? Like, you know, like. That's one of the greatest things about the internet is you can literally learn how to do anything on there. You can, there's like the masterclasses. There's YouTube. There's TikTok. You literally just search something that you want to learn and you will find millions. millions of videos on how to do it. So it's TikTok education. It, I mean, it's like wild. No, you don't even have to go into debt anymore to go get your second education.

You just go to TikTok. Just go to TikTok and YouTube. Like, they will teach you. Like, it used to be this thing where they're just learning dances and like a dab. And now it's like actually educational. Yeah. No, 100%. Like you can learn how to change a tire.

There's like everything. So much with like cooking too that we didn't know. I feel like in pandemic that people were like finding out about like. Oh, the faucia bread? Yeah. Everybody was making faucacia bread. No, it's wild. No, it's literally wild.

The internet is a crazy, wild, beautiful, awful, terrible, amazing place. Totally, totally. All of the things. Oh, Baylins, tell me I'm not alone in feeling the September stressies. I don't know why I keep calling it that, but hey, I'm just thinking to do it, okay? If you're feeling them too, I have a life hack for you. You can beat stress before it beats you by adding these products into your daily routine. You know what I'm about to say, because I've said it before.

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Because that's also showing so much about your confidence to say, like, I'm just going to do it and like look it up on the internet and then just go out there and crush it. Right. See what happens. Like a lot of people wouldn't even put themselves in the position to possibly fail or look stupid or fall. You know what I mean? Totally. And then you come out of that only grateful and proud of yourself. And I remember in my modeling days,

Yes, queen. She a model? No, she's not. I did this catalog in Canada for a skateboarding magazine. Love. And they, I think they thought I actually did modeling, but it was so far back in the day that they couldn't like really Google me or do research on me. Like I was so young.

And so they said, yeah, just come in and we'll see if you like fit the part to be in this catalog for the skateboarding magazine. And I was like, okay, so I walk in. And they literally just like looked me up. and down and said yes. And the next day I go in there and I was going into the dressing room and changing outfits. And then I would Google like model poses. And then I'd come up and be like, grab my foot or like put my, I was just baking it. Wow. See? And they believed me. And they were like, yeah, you killed it. And meanwhile, you're like in the back like how the fuck do I pose? Like, yeah,

100%. And that's why I'm like, I'm glad I shared the transparency of like me looking in my hotel room. because the part of me was like, okay, I've been a model for a while. I've done other shows. Like, do I want to show the part of me, like, struggling to learn how to walk? And I was like, I think that's cool to show the process. People want to see the process. Nobody sees how the sausage is made and we want to see it. Literally, we want to see.

Because it makes people feel like they can do things to, like, even if that inspired somebody at their nine to five to just walk in with more confidence and, like, ask for a raise. You know what I mean? You don't know who you're inspiring. You have this beautiful platform. that people follow you to be inspired. Right. And so you, that's a big responsibility.

Like, right. Yeah. It is. It's such a big responsibility. But that's what people want to see is behind the scenes, the not perfect moments, the how you like are looking up something to do it. And it's not like you're just, you know, like that is a big thing. No, I know.

No, like it wasn't like. I was nervous. And I was one of like 46. I was like the only curve plus size, which is so wild. Who is it for? What was the fashion? So Giovanni, the designer, like for dresses and love them. It was great.

But I was like really shocked to look around. And I was like, wow, only person back here that looks like me. Like it was wild. Interesting. Because you would think like, that's when it goes like, am I the token person that they put in just to be inclusive? You know what I mean? And that's a cool place to be. Right.

You're the change maker. And that's, I think I read. somewhere that you wanted to, like, not just be in the industry, but change it. To change it. So you're, you know, you're part of that, but it's also discouraging at the same time to be like, really? Right. Like, can we really celebrate this? Like, yes, because I have my foot in the door. Yeah. But can we because, like, we're not seen yet. I know. Are we supposed to celebrate these small wins that are big wins or like, how do you look at it? Glass half full? But I feel like, I'm the kind of person that looks at both. I'm like, sometimes it's empty,

sometimes it's full. Totally. And that's fair. To look at it both ways. I'm just not like a happy go lucky but I'm not like a negative Nancy and I right so I'm I'm trying to see it from both sides for you because it it is such a cool thing but also you're like wait a second though yeah shouldn't we have more of me up there yeah a little bit did you attend other events and I did attend other events um that was the only one I walked in though and it's so interesting because I could go off about this but even having like a stylist and I had glam and we spent the money and we wanted to look the part and do the thing and going to all these fun events but it's like the way not only only society, but the way that the fashion industry, photographers, directors, the tops of these

brands, like, treat curvy compared to straight size is so, so wild. Like, is it just so apparent? Oh, my God. I made a video and I haven't posted it yet, but I went back to my room and I literally ranted because I went to an Alice and Olivia event. Yeah. And when I got there, it was overcrowded at capacity, couldn't get in. Yeah.

And people were trying to come in, like, trying to get me. And there was, like, people screaming, like, let me in. Here's my code. Here's my contact. whatever. They didn't care. They were like, no one else is coming in. Whatever. Even Heidi D'Amelia was waiting in front and couldn't get in and had like three PR agents with her. And I was like, let her in. Let Heidi in, like Queen Heidi. Like what? And I was just in the back like whatever. If I don't get in, it's fine. But like I had one of my favorite looks spent all this money, glam hair, like cool green shadow with green pants. Like it was a dope look. And photographers there don't even look at me. Like it's the, it's like I've being seen through. And it's like looking over my head to find the next skinny girl to show. And I'm like, that's fair, but also like, but, but no, because like, I'm right in front of you and yet I'm not even deemed worthy enough for you to take my photo, but yet you'll run

and take a photo of any girl. They don't have to be an influencer celebrity. Any girl that just happens to be looking more like a stereotypical model. That's thinner. That's what they were going for. But it's so interesting that in 2020. Is it an older white man photographer? It's, um, woman, woman too.

Oh, yeah. I know. I know. And I just was kind of like, am I getting punked? Like, yeah. Because I'm not like, I know I look that good, but like, I know I looked good. Right. I was kind of like, this is so weird.

Yeah. Yeah. And then when like a photographer will see me shoot, then they'll probably take my photo because they know I can like do the angles and they'll be like, oh, she's actually a model like we could tell. Yeah. But when you look at me, you don't think it, I guess. So in this industry.

And it's like, hmm, like, so we always have to overcompensate. We always have to be the one like shouting at the rooftops. Yeah. And I'm never the type to be like, do you know who I am? I'm S.I. I'm Ford model. I will never be that person. So I always just kind of take mental notes of it.

Yeah. But it's happening time in time again. It's like the most wild thing. Well, I might have used this word already, but again, it's discouraging because you are being part of this change and having this voice. And then you're just almost like being slapped in the face with how it's still not changing all the time. All the time. I do want to talk about that story with how you started a hashtag like, not tonight. Is that what it was?

Not tonight. What happened there? because it kind of has to do with this similar story, right? Yeah. Yeah. I want to hear that story. So basically I, it was back in November, I want to say last year, I went to a boohoo man event. They had a artist.

It was so fun, got like the glam, did the carpet. It was a vibe. I was running on a high, had such a fun night. We're like, you know what? All of us were like, let's go out after. We went to highlight room in a Hollywood after. We wanted to continue the night. When we got there, I ran into my friend Alexa Jay, who's another plus size model in the

industry. and she's also a black woman and I saw her and I was like Alexa like my girl what's up how are you she's like come in line with us so I get in line with her and I'm in line with her and she's with a group of like 15 friends

and they all had a birthday party and they were all supposed to go in for table she goes come in line with us like perfect thanks girl I'm in line with her or whatever we get to the front she's in front of me the security guard at the door let every single person in her group in

but put on the rope right in front of her and I'm like heated behind her I'm like, I'm literally about to, like, fight this man for you. Like, no way he just did this. And I don't really see what's happening. And he put on the rope in front of her and literally looked at her up and down, was like, not tonight. Next. And I was like, wait, what did you just?

What did you dick? Oh, I was fuming. Yeah. So I was like, wait, Alexa. And like, I think she wanted to be more calm and collected and, like, love her so much. But, like, I needed to, like, scream at this. Like, I needed to get reason into this man's head because, like, I wasn't going to allow this injustice to happen. Like, already plus size woman face this, but to also be plus size and a black.

woman I can't even speak on that but like from what I hear and like talking to my friends yeah that experienced that like it's not okay right and I was like I will speak up for you so I was like what did you say and I like kind of like got but I was still like I'm sorry what's going on here and he was like looked at me up and down and was like I said not tonight and I was like wait I'm so sorry though and she was like wait sir like that's my friend group though and I was like yes I don't even need to go and that's her friend group they have a table right paid money for this table and it's her friend's birthday, wouldn't let her in. You're kidding. I was so upset. I literally, like, went in front of her at this point to,

like, really talk to him. And I was like, can you explain why? Like, just actually tell me why you're not letting us in. Meanwhile, people flooding in from left, from right, skinny girls, like everyone just like flooding in. Guys were like, Ella, Lex, like, why are you guys out here? Like, come in. Come in. Come in with us. Like, come in with us. Wouldn't let us in. I had, like, multiple people come out and try and grab us. Wouldn't let us in. And the security guard was this bigger guy and he was sitting next to me and he was watching it all happened. And I could tell, I could tell he knew what was going on. And he was probably almost 300 pounds.

Like, he was a bigger dude. And I looked at him and I go, so you see what's going on here? And he was like, silent. And I was like, so you're going to let this happen. You're going to allow this to happen when you know exactly what's going on right now. Have you ever been judged for the way you look? Are you going to allow this injustice to happen? And he literally sat there and didn't say a word.

And I was like, you should be ashamed of yourself. I looked at the next spouse. I was like, oh, okay, laughing at my face. I was like, you're going to regret this moment and remember us now. Within the next fucking day, CNN called me, ABC called me, Fox News called me. New York Post called me. It was on international Germany news, Australia news,

Canada talk show within literally 48 hours. I was like, you mother effort, we'll regret this moment. And he did. He literally cried about it. It ruined his life.

He came up to us three months later. We ran into him. I'm obsessed with the story. Okay. Yeah. Yep. It was so wild. And it gets me so fired up talking about it

because there's so much passion there. But like, he really thought he was doing something. And I get it. The higher ups are the way. ones that are telling them who to let in and who not to let in. Yes. And he has to play the bad guy, but he was such a dick.

And I'm just so tired of it. That's the thing. It's the higher-ups who get to have that sick power. And then these people who are pussies. Right, right. Like, say it with your chest because that's my feel right now. Yes. Like, they're just like responding to the man.

Yep. Like, it's the same thing with the higher-ups with how they cast for Bachelor or Bachelorette. Yep. The producers and the casting have to be the bad people. Right. Because they are owing their life to the higher powers, yes. It's always like that. It's always like that.

It really is. So wild. What about the group of friends? So what's interesting is she, people were like, oh, my God, F your friends, they're not real friends. She wasn't really friends with them. It was only the birthday girl who, like, tried staying out. She was, like, crying.

She was really upset. And my friend Alex was like, no, go and enjoy the party. Yeah. But I kid you not, that happened to me once again at Hyde, Club in L.A., happened to me potentially this week. in New York at a bar and I don't want to jump to conclusions it was like a not tonight situation but like kind of was apparent like over the phone was like yeah just come in and talk to people at the door and then when we did that they were like we only take reservations only

and we're like that's not what you said on the phone right and then like looked at us up and down and was like one second when inside there was like four guys with black like suits on all looking at us through like the window and like examining us and then came back out and was like the girl was like no and the guy came up was like yeah sorry it's actually only going to be reservations tonight. And we were like, but why? What is it? And then two girls came next to like smaller, shorter, tiny blonde girls came in and got right in. She came right up. They didn't have a reservation. I heard with my own news because I said, I want to watch this right now. And they walked up, haven't even publicly shared this. They walked up and the guy looked at them and he said,

okay, yeah, show your IDs over here. And I was like, oh, so this is what we're doing. And it like almost ruined my night. And I just was like, you know, I'm so tired of this. But, yeah. support for today's episode comes from Jenny Kane. This is your one-stop shop for handcrafted furniture and home decor, perfect for refreshing your space this fall. Make any home your dream home with Jenny Kane's timeless collection. Shopping for home decor can sometimes be stressful and time-consuming, but Jenny Kane has the elevated style and quality you've been looking for. From pillows and throws to beds and nightstands, Jenny Kane is always worth the investment and it's truly built to last forever. Find your forever pieces with our

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Code Vine. Does it make you, like, have a little bit more passion and fire to, like, stand up for it and keep sharing these stories? Or does it discourage you to go, like, oh, God, I'm done. Like, I'm tired. It's a mix of both. It's a mix of feeling, like, defeated time and time again and feeling like you're just so tired of always making the change when you feel like nothing's getting done. Yeah. But it almost lights a fire under my ass of, like, holy shh.

Like, you know, so much more needs to get done. You know, like, no matter how far we've come, we still need to go farther. I just think as women specifically, like, we all deal with our own things. Like, totally. Do you know the Beyonce song, I woke up like this? Yeah. Okay. There's this one, like, middle part in the song where it's this guy talking about how as

women we are taught, like, do you remember this part of the song? No. Well, maybe. I'm getting, like, so much hate from older women just for, like, calling off the engagement with Jason because they see him as perfect and I must be the problem and because I'm really loud and I'm like I share all my insecurities and I share it. So they like double down on certain things. You feel sometimes you've come so far or you see things where it's like, yes, the change. And then something happens where it's like two steps forward and like 10 steps back.

Every time. Every time. Every time. And that's so relatable because I think especially being in our situations are like having a platform or being online and being public, you can do everything right and you can make so many people happy and you can empower women and you can do things right, no scandals, no nothing. And like you're, you just have your head on straight and you're, you're killing it and you're working hard, but you do one thing or have one incident or you have one tiny thing that you maybe say that can come off the wrong way. And it's like, it takes away from all the good that you do. And kind of what you said, like you can do everything right, make so many progress in your life and so much change, then you have one incident in your life

or one mishap or one thing or one situation. And then it's like 20 million steps back. Yeah. Yeah. It's the weird. It's like the weirdest thing to think about. I know. Have you seen the Barbie movie? I haven't. Which is so crazy because I've heard in their mom's house. I need to see it. Is it so amazing? I haven't seen it either. Oh, okay. And everybody. Everyone has. Everybody has. Everybody has, but I've been waiting for the crowds to die down. Me too. I'm like, I love sitting in a movie theater by myself with like you can just chill oh and just like I feel invincible there where I could just like sit there with my popcorn and find a recliner with wine and just like enjoy a movie yeah where it's like a little more quiet and but they said in the movie something like women hate

women and men hate women wow and it's like so we're already just you know whoa that's up hill battle yeah it is I've never heard that and so it's like I feel overwhelmed with so many supporters and love but like you still see that women hating on other women. It's so wild when women hate women because you're always assuming like the men's going to call you fat or ugly or crazy or a bitch. But when a woman does it, I'm like, yo,

are you okay? I thought we were on the same team. Like, why are we fighting? Yeah. Why do you like, it's, I hate it. It's confusing. Yeah. It's confusing, but I mean, can't catch a break with that. But, but you are catching your little breaks and you are making a difference. Yeah. You are doing

your part and I think it's, well, thank you. It's, it's cool to watch. because I want to hear the story about how you were just, like, waitressing in Hawaii and would tell people like, no, I'm going to do something. Yeah. Watch me. How did you get that? Were you always just like this person that knew you're going to do big things? Kind of.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of. Like, so I talk about delusional confidence a lot. And I believe that when you have a feeling, when you have a mission, when you have a passion, you have a light that's inside you. It's like, you have to follow that. You might not know steps A, B, and C. But if you have the fire and you to know that you to know that you.

could model, you're going to do everything in your power to model. When you have a fire in you to start a business, you will start that business. You have to take the action steps and you might not know every step to get there, but like it will happen. So for me, I always know I would be a model one day, somehow, somewhere in some shape or form. I always know I was going to be able to have my own business and be able to like not have a nine to five. I didn't know what that looked like though. I remember starting a YouTube channel and I got no followers, but I remember my mom saying you're a junior in college, junior and college, like, what are we doing after this? Like, do you want to do an internship? And I was like, mom, this sounds so crazy, but I'm going

make money of like doing videos online and I had like a thousand followers and she was like gabriel let's get realistic like I love that like you're so passionate and I was like no like I don't know I don't know if it's like a fame thing or like a follower thing but like I'm going to make monitor like I'm going to have work through like online like I didn't know what that meant right which was great and it worked out but I was working at a restaurant because it's just the easiest way to like good money good cash good tips meet a lot of people I think everyone in their life should be a server at some point. You learned so many values.

Social skills. Were you a server too? 11 years I was in that industry. Yes. It's so hard to get out too. No one talks about that. It's so hard to get out. I was in it, killed it whatever, during college, saved up money, went to class,

and then would work like shifts at night. And it was so great because I was able to save up money knowing that I wanted to take that money to move to L.A. Like that was my goal. I think my modeling journey has been interesting because most people are like, who's your agent, who's your manager, who's your publicist. I love my team and I love who I work with. but I have to honestly give myself those flowers that, like, I really am self-made.

Like, I really was on the ground in COVID with no job or nothing and moved there with nothing. And, like, really worked my ass off, like, became a Sports Illustrated model the year I moved to L.A. Like, that is wild. Like, I was just, like, literally knocking down doors. And I was not going to take no for an answer. And then it was the next thing. And then it was an agency. And then it was another agency.

And it was like, I need to be signed in New York. I don't even, I've never publicly shared it either. but I recently got told by an agent that I'm not developed enough to be walking in fashion week yet for New York and that it's too prestigious. It's going to take me another year of development and I booked my own job. I booked my own show. And I had to tell them like, I booked a show. And it was like, oh, do you know what I'm saying? So it's like time and time again. You have to. Like, no one will work harder for you. No one will push harder for you. Like your dreams sound crazy to them. But like, surprise them. Shock them.

So the delusional confidence is that you just saying like, like, you have that confidence. Is the delusion. Where does the delusion part come from? Because I'm like, I don't hear any delusion there. I feel like you were very clear on what you wanted and what you deserve. So delusion is almost a way of like chasing that dream that's so big. Yeah. Like I was a server and said I wanted to be a sports illustrated model. And when I got let go from my job because I was late too many times at the restaurant, I said, I'll come back in here at Sports Illustrated model. That's delusional. But it was real to me. but delusional to the world. And I think so many big artists and actresses has spoken about this in interviews in the past and it really lit something in me because I was like it is delusional confidence. It's such a like such a big dream.

Yeah. Have you ever had like a massive dream that you're probably doing right now that like people might have been like, all right, Kaylin, relax or okay Caitlin like let's think more we out. That's delusional confidence. But you knew you were going to get there. I'll never forget. Let's go.

Bring it. Bring it. I'll never put it up. Corey. Yeah. It was Corey. Okay, Corey. Yeah, you're listening.

Tune in, buddy. I was, like, kind of going on a couple dates with him. Oh, no, not Corey. Yeah. I was 29 years old. Okay. And we worked at the same restaurant. And I just kept saying, like, I know I'm supposed to do something on TV.

Like, I know I'm supposed to do something bigger. Like, I've always thought, like, people would know my name in some way. Like, I didn't know if it was being a news anchor on the local news. I didn't know, but I had that same feeling as you where I'm just like, I knew. and he sat me down at dinner one night he's like you're almost 30 like I think it's time to lose the dream and all that did to me is I'm the word manifesting is so overused now but I literally thought of I knew something was going to happen maybe two three months later ABC calls me to go on the bachelor stop it uh-huh and I and he was in the room oh he was okay so it was a little

back room you were dating him when you got the call yeah no yeah no uh-huh Is Corey alive and okay right now? Like, how is he doing? Who knows? Check on Corey. Hashtag check on Corey. Make it a trend. Check on Corey.

I worried about him. But he was like in the office and I got the call and they were like, are you dating anyone right now or are you single, want to come on the show? And I went, oh, I'm single. Did he hear? Yeah. No, no, no, no. No.

And I told him, I was like, this is so iconic. Yeah. And then I went to Vancouver. I went back to Vancouver. I was in Evanton at the time. I went back to Vancouver. went on a few more dates with a different guy and then I was like, by the way, I'm going on the bachelor. So don't get. Don't get too comfortable, buddy. We got like two months. Yeah, it was

crazy, but I just knew. So have you ever publicly shared the Corey story? I don't, I don't remember. I've been podcasting for six years and I have told so many stories that I actually don't know. Maybe, Alicia, are you still on the phone call? Have I told that story before? I should check on Corey. I'm shook. No, I've not told that. The Corey story? That's a fresh one right there. That's a first. Wow, you think, I always think I run out of material, but there's some, there's material.

There's some fresh news for the, my listeners ears, yeah. See, so it's like, that could have been delusional. Like, you're working at a restaurant. You're like, I want to be on TV. It's like, yeah, like we all do. Like everyone does. But it's like, you knew. I knew inside you.

Yeah. I love, period. I do love the delusional confidence because I do think that big dreams are, you know, like even the most unrealistic ones right everyone that i've talked to who i always talk to people who um like these these guys that used to film a show called the buried life my friend ben he is all about crossing things off your bucket list no matter how big or small they are like write it down and it could be the most outrageous dream love that write it out and like see what happens because if you write it down you're holding yourself accountable then you're putting yourself in different

positions than you normally would right possibly align yourself in a different situation that would maybe create you to be in front of this person that would put you here like I love that it's so crazy and I've done nothing but like the proof has just always been in the pudding that that has worked for me yeah so people need to have that delusional confidence if they want some people are very comfortable like my sister bless her she loves being comfortable yeah she doesn't want to like and that's fine totally put herself out there she totally it doesn't make her happy so we're saying yeah people who it doesn't matter how big or yeah unrealistic your dreams are write them down write them down i love that i don't write them down i need to write them

oh god imagine what you can do if you wrote them down going home today yeah i'm on the plane over here like i will be on the cover of vogue greece and i will let's go i'm gonna write it down wait is that your next what's your next goal in life next big goal cover of vogue cover of vogue cover of vogue greece because i'm a hundred We sent Greek, so I would love to be. Oh, you can absolutely do it. I think we can do it. I think we can do it. Or just on a cover of some magazine, like a woman's health or an L or a cosmopolitan would be cool.

Doing more high fashion is a huge goal. More runway walks is a huge goal. Now that I've done one, I'm like, right, what's the next? Yeah. Your toe is. Like, I get excited. Yeah. Paris Fashion Week I've never done.

I want to do, like, Milan. Yes. There's so much more out there that I'm like, I always am just like challenging people like think bigger, think bigger. Yeah. But that's okay because I also want to be present. And I want to be like present that I'm here in New York that I did that. That was amazing.

And I don't want to lose sight of that accomplishment, but I'm also very overachiever mindset. Like, all right, what else can we do? Same. Because it's like once you accomplish one thing, you think, well, what else can I do? If I could do that, what else can I do? Yeah. And I think that's a good point to stay present and not, not dismiss what you've just accomplished. Right.

Right. And be like, well, what's next? Because it's easy to do that. Celebrate that. And what else can I do? Yeah. That's, I did that with the winning, dancing with the stars. I was like, so epic, by the way.

I was like, thank you. I was like, if I win, then I'll be happy. And then I got there and I won and I was. Wow. But my brain, I had to really take a step back because my brain went, okay, but now what? Now what? Now what? You did it.

So now what? Chills, full body chills because no one talks about this. And I just talked about this recently with some other people in the industry of like, the highs are so high, but the lows are so low. Yeah. And it was hard for me. the process, like when I got Sports Illustrated, I had tried out for three and a half years consecutively. Like, starting as a server, didn't get it. Went to Miami with like the last

thousand dollars in my bank. Didn't get it. Wait at an end. The pouring rain at 4.30 in the morning. Didn't get it. Went back to L.A. made another video. Like, didn't get it. Move to pandemic, whatever. Finally, after like eight months after submitting the video, finally found out I got it. When you get it, it's the most high feeling. When I got to shoot with my dream company, what a high feeling. But that after, those two weeks after, we're like dark yeah yeah it's like high high low low so it's like and i think it's interesting when you think you get something you'll be happy is like such a false reality of life like once i lose the way i'll be happy once i get a boyfriend i'll be happy like your happiness starts now today

yeah where you are right now in this body in this size that you are in the um relationship that you are in or not in a relationship that you're in like that happiness in that apartment that you're in right now like it just has to happen now yeah you can't chase that you Well, because there's, I always say there's no, like, arrival. You're never going to get there and be like, oh, here it is. Now I'm happy. It's never, ever. So ever. Yeah, it's, it's, do you think happiness is a choice? I do. Or a state of mind. Oh, or maybe both. Kind of both. Yeah. I think you can choose every day. I think you can choose every day to be happy. But that, that is like shifting your mindset. So, like, that will shift your state of mind is kind of what I think. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I do. Like, if you wake up positive and you wake up happy. And you wake up happy. And you wake up, and you choose to look at like positive outlooks and you're always like trying to find the good and everything and everything happens for a reason like you're choosing to have that happy state of mine yeah and that positive state of mine well so my dad um is 30 plus years of being sober and he love him by the way he's so cute oh my god he's the your post with him i die he's just the cutest sweetest best human being ever and i love that i just i've always i've never taken for granted how um much of a role model he's been for like how somebody should be treated. Like I really love my relationship with him. Totally. And his way of life because of AA meetings is, you know, step three, I think is faith. And I've been really

struggling with faith lately of what that looks like to me because I'm like, I believe in a higher power. And I was listening in on his meeting when he was here the other day. And they were like, that higher power to somebody could be a crystal. That higher power to somebody could be God a man figure it could be just like an energy right and so i was listening to and i was just like i love that because i want to have faith and so but my dad has taught me like to you wake up and whether you're praying or praying to a god praying to the universe whatever having that gratitude and going to bed with it like even if you are in rock bottom or you know all your gratitude is maybe that you had like a hot cup of coffee today like small little things

three in the morning, three at night or like having that kind of practice shifts your whole perspective. I love that. And it's actually crazy how fast it can happen. I did it for two weeks once and my whole outlook on happiness shifted. Yeah. And you do it every day? Every day. For how long? For how long are you like in that state? But now I do it all the time. Yeah. Like now I now every single morning I'll give myself. I have ever used to hatch for an alarm? No. Get one. It's so it's this little machine that. It's like a sound machine, but it also, if you set your alarm for 6 a.m., like a really gentle, soft glow light will start happening at 5.30. And it'll slowly wake you up with like a meditation then when the alarm goes off. And it's the nicest way to wake up. Need that. And it literally starts your day off with like forced gratitude because you're like, oh yeah, I'm awake. Okay. The light is shining. And now this woman's talking to me about what to be grateful for. And life is beautiful. Yeah. Amazing.

Okay. I need to look into that. Yeah. So I feel like with people that are listening, if you're finding yourself not choosing happiness or it's not your state of mind, it's like small micro shifts. Fake it until you make it too. Fake it till you make it. Like, oh, you're not happy. Yeah, you are. Just start saying you are. You might be miserable. You're happy. You're happy. You're subconscious. Like, I think it's subconscious. Doesn't know the difference. Doesn't know the difference. When you say things out loud. So you have to say. I had to do that with my confidence. Like, because I, when I was smaller, was not confident at all. Yeah. And I would always. I just checked my stomach in the mirror. I hated my body. I always felt like I needed to be smaller. The second I got bigger and was like the biggest size I've ever been, but I stopped letting like food control my everyday thoughts. I started telling myself how confident and beautiful and whatever I was. And like I really at first didn't know if I believed it, but I started to. So I believe in that too of like faking it so you make it. And like, and if you say every day that you're miserable and like, no, you don't understand. I'm just so miserable or I'm not happy, then like that's your reality. So it's like you have to say what like you want to believe. Yeah, I've been trained my whole life to think that being, like, I'm a smaller boned person. Yeah. And that got me so many things with dancing, which I always wanted to be a dancer, which I literally, that's what I wanted to do with my life. That's why I didn't go get any other education. I wanted to, like, move to Vancouver. That's amazing.

That's amazing. But it was like, oh, well, you do have the right body type for being this. And then my girlfriends and I would, like, stare in the mirror in the dance studio and, like, compare. And, like, it was this whole thing. but um so hard my point is like get that's just been brainwashed into our brains too of the beauty standards right and like how do you how do we unlearn beauty standards when they've been shoved in our faces for so long and still are you're still dealing with it how do we unlearn those beauty standards because i still like you know like i enjoy um trends i enjoy you know like big browser

and now small browser and now this like this look is in and we always are doing filters and kind of like molding to what society is telling us to look and be like, which is fun in a way because we get to change it up and use different makeup. But how do you, again, unlearn the beauty standards? Just knowing that your beauty is not a trend, your size is not a trend, your body's not a trend, but your true beauty and confidence, like, comes from within. Like, I could change externally. I could dye my hair blonde and chop it off and whatever. But, like, that confidence that I have of my character and like my soul like that's within so like you can put on the cool Y2K look or the outfit that's trending but like that doesn't shift confidence yeah yeah

I think you can wear something that makes you feel beautiful but true confidence day in and day out does not come from an outfit does not come from a trend right so when I tell people that my confidence really locked from within it was like real like because my outside body changed and I got bigger and X, Y, Z happen, that doesn't matter because it's not external. So once you start to really do that inner work and inner, you know, work out those inner challenges that you face and the affirmations and all of that and like knowing that beauty lies within, like trends can come and go. Like you're not phased.

Like we'll tap into this skinny brow trend or like big brow trend or like the whatever, but it's like that's not confidence. Yeah. And I think people blur the lines. Yes. I mean, I do. I try not to, but I do sometimes. It's easy to.

It's so easy to blow those lines. You have to remind yourself all the time. Yeah, because I was thinking I had it written down in here. I like asking people, like, what truly makes you happy. And I was trying to think of what truly makes me happy. And it's so interesting how simple it is of what makes me happy. What is it? It's not like, of course, going to Italy and of course doing this.

Totally. But really, it's always the simple things for me. It is sitting by water. Love that. I need, I don't know what I'm doing in freaking in old hickory, Tennessee. like right i i need to be by water water makes me happy just sitting with a cup of coffee and a chocolate croissant looking at water does something to my soul wow i love that being i love my family so much like just spending time with my dad makes me so happy yes same and like just and i think that's another

perspective for people to have is like everybody thinks being happy would be going to new york fashion. A million dollars. Yeah, a million dollars and doing, being able. But like, if you just start to think about those little things where you're like, well, in this moment, I feel really happy and it's simple. It's always usually simple. It's always simple. You know? What makes you happy? I think, I love that question. And I think the answer could go a lot of ways. Yes, because a lot of things make me happy. Yeah. And I'm glad to be an overall, I would say a happy positive person where I do, like what you said, the small cup of coffee in the morning. Like, I like to find happiness in that. Yeah. I'm so like you. hate to just like steal your answer in a way, but like being by the water, like going to school

in Hawaii, then moving to Santa Monica, I always wanted to be near an ocean and like just seeing the like ocean crash and like seeing, this sounds so cliche, but like seeing like love, whether it's love for friends, love for family, like I was never a relationship girly, but like my friends make me really happy. Like my friends were family. My friends were like my boyfriend I never had. Like my friends were my people. Yeah. And so I think when my parents went through a divorce and I went through a lot of stuff with my siblings and whatever. It's like my friends were always there. So like being with like my closest friends and going on a nice walk by the water with an ice coffee and like or going out for spicy margs. Like something's so simple. You know.

That's, I feel like we all look for this complicated thing in life to make us happy when really we can just be like actually it's just having a marg. Yeah. No, literally. On a Tuesday. But if I were to go like a career route, it wouldn't be necessarily monetary or anything. around like the glitz of it. It would be more of like the raw feeling and emotion I get when people say how much I like changed their life and made them feel confident. Yeah. Like when I get the messages that are like I, I'm 35. It's my first time wearing a tank top because of you. Yeah. Yesterday at the air event, this girl was like I, she was an editor and she's maybe in her 30s and was like I bought a thong bikini because of you on the runway. Like you literally made me feel

like I could wear a bikini. Like another girl came out to me and cried yesterday and was just like, you've made me feel so confident in my skin when I never did. And I literally cried with her. I was like, it's words like that that make me happy. And I don't like to hold other people's words with so much power because then the negative will bring me down. But I like to hold it power in the way of feeling. Like I want to make others feel good and confident. So when they feel good, that brings me happiness. If that makes sense. No, I completely understand that. I feel the same way. I feel like I also feel this responsibility from having a platform. to, like, inspire others or empower others. And I truly get joy out of doing that. Like,

I really, I really feel if I've, like, all the nice mess. I, of course, get the meons, but all the nice ones makes me realize why I continue to do this. Yeah. Yeah. It's, well, and I like money, but right. We love that too. But it's like really that feeling of going, oh, wow, I really, I am helping somebody out there. Yeah, like, I am making an impact to some degree. I was talking to a friend this morning about my um off the vine listeners in the the facebook community and he was like so he's like people just crave like people just crave like you belong to something and i always say that that's one of the most proud things that i've accomplished is creating a community because it's like i see what it does i read i love that pages and i go holy shit this is something i love that yeah

you're doing that too it's so fun and cool to bring people together that are like like minded and like want to uplift one another especially after the pandemic when like we all felt distant we all felt kind of lost we all felt isolated like when you bring others together there's so much joy and just like girl groups friend groups like bringing people for like a coffee date yeah like people are seeking that connection connection is really what it's all about 100% it's all about and I'm so glad we connected I was just going to say I'm like we're having a moment because we are we connected today I feel like we were supposed to connect we were supposed to connect we were supposed to connect we were Amazing. I can't wait. I'm going to come to L.A. and please come. Let's hang. I come all. New York and L.A. all the time. Okay. Perfect. I always come here to podcast and L.A. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Tell everybody where they can find you. Yay. You can find me at Ella Helicus on Instagram and TikTok and stay tuned for other future projects. I'm excited for you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Just getting started. Just getting started, baby. I love it. I love you. Thank you for coming on. I really loved this conversation. Me too. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating in a review. like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or enjoy School of Rock and The Adventures of Tintin

with the whole family. Plus, Pluto TV has thousands of other free movies available on live and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite devices for free and start streaming now. This is Belowdex Captain Lee.

Listen to my new podcast, Salty, with Captain Lee. Um, don't you mean our podcast? Uh, Yeah, I guess I do. Anyhow, listen to Salty with Catherine Lee, co-hosted by my assistant, Sam. And we will be talking about the latest pop culture news and all the gossip every week.

So does this mean we have to talk by ourselves, about ourselves, or can at least have some guests on? I don't know, I find myself pretty interesting, but yeah, we can have some guests on some of our reality TV friends and some stars. Works for me. Listen to Salty. now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.