Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: I must confess these were the best of 2018

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

This week for Kaitlyn looks back on some of the best confessions of 2018: Priv Talks Big Brother's Elana Davies and Mark Jansen Vanessa Grimaldi Russell Dickerson Chris Harrison Alexis Waters Olivia Caridi and Brandi Cyrus Carly Waddell Kaitlyn herself Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen Perez Hilton Blake Horstmann and Tia Booth See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Grab a coffee and discover nonstop action with Bud MGM Casino.

Check out our hottest exclusive. Friends of one with Multi-Drop. Once even more options. Play our wide variety of table games. Or head over to the arcade for nostalgic casino thrills only available at BetMGM. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge. But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. We're on with OTV. Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy. Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your questions. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor.

Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin. Keeks, you got one for us? I want to hear this one. I do, too. I think I misunderstood the idea of confession when I was thinking about that. It's okay, go with that. I feel like your mic needs to be closer to your face.

This is the problem with not having headphones, keeks. Yeah. I feel like I get really loud. That's good. So do I. Woo! Okay. I also have headphones on and that was very loud.

Sorry. Sorry about that. Donnie's jaw is going to drop right now. My confession is that my nickname, I have another nickname. It may be Kit Kat. Okay. Oh my God. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited.

How dirty can we get on this thing? Where is this going? I'm like how much I should censor it right now. But in my most recent relationship, my boyfriend really liked Kit Kat. So I had this great idea one day to put a Kit Kat in the freezer for a few hours and then feed him. the Kit Kat in the bedroom yeah not from your mouth not from my mouth oh that's very thoughtful of you right he thought he was like you great girlfriend wow yeah this is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me and the most thoughtful that is it's i'm like that's romantic i didn't know

that chocolate could turn someone on so much but well when it's in the right places where when it's kids. I thought you were going to say, where was the Kit Kat? I'm like, I think you can figure it out. Not home. Not home. Honey, I need you to help me come find something in the bedroom. Wait, now my question is, how did you like start this? Were you like, was it already in there? It was already in there. Oh, yeah. Pops are in there. Did he know it was in there? Did he just like, surprise? Well, he knew it was in there once he went down there, but I didn't give him like a full warning. Like he kind of just like went down there to get things started. And he was like, what is that?

I was like, surprise. That's so good. But he was like so on board. Well, duh. He's kind of a foodie too. He's such a foodie. You're really like speaking his love language. Bringing the term food porn to a whole new meaning.

Like he actually was like enjoying and he didn't just like pull it out and gobble it up. No. Like nibbled it. Oh my. All the way to the end. At least it was beneficial for both teams. I wish we finished with this. I know.

I don't. When you looked at me, I was like, it's a mic drop. No, no, I'm going to go ahead and say that's my favorite confession that's ever been on a podcast. I could go on before. You totally understood it. So I didn't know the whole story, but we have a family chat. What did you just say? There's a bag at one time.

Wow, that escalated real quick. Yes. He really likes bread. He loves bread. Those carbs. The only thing he loves more than a Kit Kat is bread. So that was next. I mean, it didn't.

You set the bar really high with a Kit Kat. It was a different scenario. It was different than the Kit Kat situation, but it was involved. Oh, you're being serious? Dead serious. I love you. You're like Dirtster Kiques, but definitely Kit Kat. Yeah, Kit Kat.

I thought like it's like my cute. cutest nickname it is a really nickname yeah i did not see that one coming no am i saying this right now yeah yes i can't i won't i pee the bed a little bit um big brother oh that's okay it's fine i'm so accepting of like weird i knew that i knew that you knew that i beat the bed you told me wait did you did you pee the bed or did you dribble a little you got the bed well well it wasn't it wasn't a bad one. Oh, okay. It wasn't a bad one. But that's a scary... It was a good one. Good pee. Yeah. Yeah. It was a good one. Okay. Um, the scary thing about Big Brother, like we already mentioned, is you have no privacy. Yeah. So, if you peed the bed on the Bachelor or

the Bachelorette, it's like no one needs to know. Right. But had I really gone for it? Which I did. I'm just kidding. I wish. I wish you had. Peeing the bed on Big Brother is terrified. because everyone would know that that happened. Right. So I think I like kind of got off like no one knew. Yeah, that's why I'm confused. I'm like, is this a confession or do people know that? No, no one knows.

Really? Yeah. Or at least I have seen no evidence of it on the internet. And you would have heard about it. And I would have heard about it by now because I've heard about everything. Yeah, of course. So I now, I, now everybody knows that I peed the bed. It's okay.

Nobody listens to this podcast. Okay. Sure, yeah. I believe you, 9 million followers on Instagram. That's fine. Yeah, so, I mean, it wasn't a ton. What happened? Why?

You know, like, sometimes you just be... But I don't. No? No. Okay. Not really. I mean, I've done it as an adult. Okay.

Yeah. Sober? No. Oh. No. Okay. Definitely not. So you were sober because you can't drink.

Yeah. Right. You can't drink in the Big Brother House. No, you can't, but, like, it's very limited. It's very limited. Yeah, there's no drunk. How did you survive? Not well.

Yeah. So, and the worst part was, too, is I was in the bed with Christmas. So, Christmas, I'm sorry if you're hearing this, I pee the bed with you. Yes. Normally, especially at this point in the season, I was sleeping with Mark pretty regularly. Yeah. Depending on our have-not status. And the day.

Like, because of the Toots? Oh, no. Because I was in the ham-not. Yeah. I was in the ham-not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also because of the Toots. Right.

And at this point, the day that it happened, Mark and Josh got into a huge fight about who was sleeping in the bed with me that night. Yeah. And I was napping what you're not allowed to do in the Big Brother house. No drinking, no napping. This is not a life. I want to live. I'm so glad. I didn't go on Celebrity Big Brother. Go on. Had I known that you couldn't drink or nap, I would have been like politely declined. I'm sorry, but this doesn't work with my lifestyle currently. Thanks for the offer. But no. So I was kind of napping And Josh and Mark got into a for real fight

About sleeping in bed with me Because if you know Like Josh had this fake or real crush on me Throughout the season I'm not sure And so I was just like You know what? You guys pray about it Get back to me But I can sleep in bed with Christmas

Because that spot is open And she just always had my back in the house Yeah I was the worst No I'm completely joking Oh Yeah no I didn't I was like oh that's really Oh, sarcasm, right.

Yeah. You're like, I actually remember. Oh, I was there, I remember. I did sometimes. Like, you make it sound like I never did, but I did protect you. She always had your best interests. Yes. That's correct.

Yes. And that night, you know when you have the dreams that you need to pee? And you're like, oh, in my dream, I need to pee. So I'll, you know, make the smart adult decision and go to a restroom and pee. And so in my dream, I was like sitting on a toilet peeing. And then I woke up. Mark, stop. I can't.

No. I didn't know what it was like full like every like you just peed. I really thought it was just like a little. Like I mean it wasn't a time. Because the way you're making it sound was like you're just sitting on a toilet just like letting it. Yeah, it started to happen. Nice. But you caught yourself?

I woke up and was like, I'm being. That's. So those keegel exercises finally came in handy. And. Yep. And I stopped myself and then had to like very like sly, stealthily spy like grab a change of downstairs clothes and go to the bathroom and then get back in bed. My confession is kind of not really the greatest. I was like trying to think of confessions on my way here.

And I'm like, I don't even know what to confess. I have some like really embarrassing confessions. Do those. Oh, my God. No, one I was thinking of as I was. peeing and I'm like, should I talk about this specifically? Yes. No, it has to do with poop.

Well, I talk about poop all the time on this podcast. No, it has to do with poop like on my pants. Perfect. You've already said enough. We might as well tell the confession now. All right. People don't love this. I promise you on everything.

Once you say, people will be tweeting me like, thank you for like, that's the best thing ever. It's so embarrassing. That's even better. All right. Fine. So I am not a morning person, confession. Oh, you too. Oh, girl.

I am not a morning guy. Minus the singing. But I'm sorry. The beautiful hair in Italian roots. No, please. So I'm not a morning person and if I have to start work at 8, I'll wake up like at 7.30. I only like showering at night. Hate showering.

Yeah. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I know. I was like texting. I'm like, I can't really talk about how much I hate showering. But you know what?

Fine. I'm here. Everyone knows I hate showering. Showering is, the thing is, I hate having to wash and dry my hair. Yes. Because if I air dry my hair, it's the ugliest thing. It's stringy. I don't believe you, but...

No, no, it is. It's like, I need to blow dry in my hair. So I'm like, ah, so much work. It is. It's very inconvenient. Yeah, it's super inconvenient. So, um, wake up in the morning, I started work at 8. So I woke up at 7.30.

And I get inside the car. And I'm sitting down, I'm like sitting down. And I'm like, okay, so I can't start my day for. I don't poop. Right. You too? No. But Sean. Sean. Okay. So Sean feels. He feels me. Yeah. So I took my morning poop and I go to work and I'm like, there's something that smells. I don't under. And I'm like, and I'm like talking to my coworkers. I was like, something is smelly around here. I don't know. I don't smell. And my coworker is like, I don't smell it. I was like, I smell something. I know I smells.

I can't even say this. I can. I love it. This is so great. So then I'm like, let me go to the bathroom. So I went in the bathroom. I still don't know the ending and I'm so excited. And I noticed.

I know I'm going to cry. I noticed that it was. You had poop on your friends. I love that you had such a. hard time getting there to tell us you had poop on your pants but you started the confession was saying you had poop on your pee. But you know what you're like pooping and then you like you're not done pooping. Yeah. One like. Okay. I'm not lying. I said on another podcast that was my favorite confession. This takes the cake. Oh my God. This is the this is the kind of my most

embarrassing story guys that is the kind of confession that I long for oh my god and it was like I ran out of work and I didn't tell my boss and now she's going to know well she'll be like okay I understand why I was like oh I got to go home I forgot my key and so I went home and I was like this is the most embarrassing shit literally ever I just have to thank you like these are the kinds of confessions i i honestly just pray people have when they come on my podcast yeah i'm the thing is everyone has like some sort of embarrassing story but it's just like should i say should i not whatever i said it it's it's whoever has the balls to say it you've got balls wait do you want to know what my original confession was yeah of course i tried to and i'm like yeah this is not gonna this

be a boring one now but i tried to bar i'm a really frugal shopperic oh well i'm sure you i'm sure you have some interesting stories oh yeah but my um original confess was I'm really big with like shopping under like $20 and I was at a store once and I tried to bargain a jacket that was 10 cents no you didn't I did what do you mean I did I did try and get it for free 15 cents so I'll give you a dime I was I was like keep the change at one point so I walked into the store and there was a rack of jackets and it was mistagged instead of it being $150 it was point 1-5-00 so I was like oh my god they mistagged it and I'm like oh I'm going to the cash

and I'm taking it and it was at a store where it's like the customer's always right so I walk up to the cashier and I was like so your policy is the customer's always right right and he's like yes ma'am and I'm like pretending I'm this it wasn't in Nashville was in Montreal yes ma'am he's like we madame and so I'm like okay so I'd like to buy this jacket for 15 cents he's like excuse me so he like he scans it and he's like oh my god it is 15 cents I'm like well your policy today is um every jacket is 50% off stop so I'm like technically I'm really bad I'm a but technically it should be um 17 17 7 15 I was thinking 7 5 7 50 he's like are you kidding me I was like all right it's fine I give him a dollar give him like a looney I was like all right

bye thanks for my jacket that was my original confession that's pretty funny yeah poop one's way poop one's way better way more of a confession oh god we're gonna have to do confessions should just go for it yeah that's one the valentine's yeah you good i don't okay i'll i'll censor it it needs to be censored a little bit okay okay does it though no it doesn't it doesn't my listeners love okay perfect the like no censor but yeah we're all about it man i've kept this story so close for so long i mean if you're gonna confess Okay. It's a place to do it.

I'll give you bullet points. It was Valentine's Day. I was eight years old. And I had this, like, giant tree in our backyard, and I found this long rope. But on the end was an industrial-sized hook that was at the bottom. And so one day, Valentine's Day, when I was eight years old, was sliding down this rope. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Boy, where did it go? It went to the emergency room. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, gosh. Why am I so Canadian with you guys? Oh.

Why? Okay, sorry. It took all RD straight to the emergency room. Oh, my goodness. Gracious. Yeah, on Valentine's Day, ironically enough. Right. But, you know, the doctor said we're all good for kids and nothing was ruptured or anything.

Wow, you're very lucky. Just a mere flesh wound. So you slid down it. knowing there was a hook on you. Yeah, I mean, I think I had slid down it many times. Oh. But this one, this one time, it tore right through my Mighty Duck sweatsuit. I remember what I was.

The maroon one? Yes. Oh, I used to love. The swishy. And I always thought I was too, like I couldn't wear it because it was too, like, boyish for me to wear. I loved the maroon, mighty duck sweatsuit. I knew I loved you. Oh, man.

Dang, I want a picture of both of you. rest in peace to my mighty ducks squishy pants but you could have sewed up the hole or something well that was the doctor's job oh man unbeknownst to the world

so I had a girlfriend for a while but she didn't drink particularly it wasn't like she was against it she would sip on mine I'm like one of the issues was that's not good enough I don't need you know is that horrible that I need you. I love my wine. I love to go to, you know, to wine country and the show

has given me the ability to travel around the world and drink great wines. But I love just, and I don't drink a lot. I really am not a big drinker, but I do love my wines, as you know. And so I love cooking. I love food. I love wine. I love God. There's a few passions in my life, and that's one of them. And I want somebody to share in that. You don't have to love it as much as me, but I want you to enjoy it. Yeah. Like I got excited when you're coming over that I could bust out some wines. And I got to tell you, I had one sip, and I was like, it's good stuff. And I have, and I don't know if we can get to a second bottle, just you and I, but there's another really good. Do not test me. I kind of want to open it. Do not test me. What time's your

flight tomorrow? Four a.m. 4 a.m. Actually, the flight is at 6 a.m. And I realized that I go through customs in Canada. Right. So I'm just like making so many excuses. You and I have, you and I have done so much worse. So my confession is, one of the, one of the things I didn't love is she didn't enjoy wine. Yeah. That was a, that was a downer. Yeah. I understand. No to anybody listening. If you're going to date Chris Harrison. If I ever date again, which is iffy. It's honestly right now, it's like a 40, 60 proposition. I'm not even sure what the 60 or 40 is. People are so interested in your love life. Yeah. It's, it's non-existent right now. Yeah. Yeah. You have a love life with wine. I do. I love my wine. I love my kids. Okay. One confession is that I can quife on command.

What? You can? I don't know if I've ever done one in my life. That could be my confession. I don't think I ever have. Like, I've heard about it, but you never heard one of me from my, for me. No, I never have. I'm going to tell you how to do it. And then I watch you like go home and try it dead alone. You just roll back, like on your back with your legs spread open. Why have you tried this? Me and my friends were really weird Oh, okay, so was I You're experimental, I get it No We were like My one friend started doing it I don't know, we were really weird

And you just let the air like go in And then you roll back Like to the front And it's just like My one friend like can do it like On commands like all the time Mine is like You don't know

Hit her mess Yeah, hit our mess High Risk, High Reward The word Queep is like the word moist Here's what's up for debate. So many people, I should put this on Twitter. So many people call it quiff.

And some people call it quiff. Oh, I've never heard of quiff. Really? Yeah, I've heard of queef. Oh, okay. And then sometimes, like, if you don't have sex in a while, and then you do, and then they pull out, that happens? That can happen. Yeah.

Maybe I'm just the quefe, queen. Maybe I'm just blessed. I don't think that's ever. Some people don't quefe. So that's a good thing. It's not a big deal, though. No, no. For all the quefe.

out there. Good on you. Get it. It's like the most embarrassing though, like when you like just start dating somebody and you do queven you're like, no, no, no, that wasn't a fart. Do you acknowledge it? Do you acknowledge it? Are you like, sometimes I mean, I have not

is that. I haven't before. But then I also was like, oh, no, that wasn't, that didn't come over my asshole. I came out of my vagina. What's funny is like if anybody else was confessing this to me right now, I would be dying. I'm like, this is normal.

I like you would. And I respect that. I respect it and I respect your honesty. Thank you. Go on. You have more? Queef queen. Oh my God.

People are going to start commenting on me like queef queen. That's going to stick. Yeah, no, for all those ladies out there that want to know how to do it, just spread your legs open. Do people want to know how to do it? I don't know. I think maybe we were just weird 12 year old girls. Definitely.

Yeah. But yeah, we just roll back. I'm just envisioning people doing it now and it's actually. really creepy but yeah then you roll back and it you paint a pretty picture yeah thank you paint a pretty picture also um what's another weird

I like feel like pooping is a lot of confessions yeah a lot yeah great go there great sounds good can't wait to hear it this is so embarrassing for my life and soul

no no I had one time oh yeah go on Okay, I only had but sex one time in my life. Okay. And this is why I'll never happen again. Oh. I've heard about that happening.

So I won't name any names, but it happened. Tyler. No, no, no, I will not. I will not. You'll never do it again. You learned it the hard way. First of all, it hurts so bad. Second of all, it literally, I think it was like,

like a one, like, in and out. Oh, yeah. And then I was like, oh, my God, like, get it out, get it out. And then he was like, what the hell is that? And I look over, and it was literally like the size of an M&M piece of poop. And I literally took my sock and, like, swiped it up with my sock. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know.

So I literally was laying there. He said, I don't know. I go, I don't know, scoops it up. I, like, have really fast reflexes. So I literally, it happened. Like, he was like, what is that? And I was like, whoop. You were all of a sudden a poop ninja.

And the worst part, I put the sock in his mom's laundry. No. Oh, that's the best part of the confession. Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Oh, gross. I'm sorry, Tyler. Have you heard that?

I love you. You first, Brandy. I don't have. I have one. Come on. Okay, fine. I'll go first. Since I have turned, been in my 20s.

Yes. Sober, I have pooped my pants. Perfect. Five times. Stop. In my 20s. Five. As recent as three months ago.

Dead sober. I had, where were you? Vanessa was on my last podcast and she texted me the day that it came out. And she goes, do you think we could maybe take, like, I'm on nervous of a No, girl, who gives a shit? You don't understand people are going to love this and they're going to relate. I mean, and there's more poop choices and you know what? And now she's like, I've made so many poop sisters out of this.

Yeah, I've poodleed my panties. That is insane. Five times. It's because you drink that colon tea. I drink what I post. I drink teeny. And it makes you poop your pants. What a great house.

She literally went in the middle of boxing class. She goes, she looked at me and goes, I got to go. I got to go. It's time. It's time. It's dying. I go, oh, God. It's like my mother's daughter, you know, I just like shit happens.

No, I can remember every time where it's like, my issue is I think I can go longer than I can. Oh, so you hold it. Like, you know, like, I'll feel like, okay, I could challenge your body. Like the last time I was at brunch. Let's see how long I could go without shooting. And I was in the end and there was like four people. So it's like if I have to go to the bathroom, I have to ask three people to go. So I kept thinking, okay.

I can hold that, I can hold that, like, it's no big deal. And then finally I'm like, and like 20 minutes later, it's time, right? That's my line, it's time. And I get in the bathroom and there's a line and I'll say, you're like, well, what would Olivia do? I just shit my pants. Oh, my God. And then what? Yeah.

Oh, it was a nightmare. Then you just leave? Horrible. And not say bye to anyone and just bail? Oh, my gosh. Oh, God. This is really bad. No, I will.

I tried to clean myself up. No. I got into the stall and I tried to clean it up. Do you even manage? Is it just like a little... No. Was it like... No.

Or was it like... No. It was not. Like, I feel like I would have to throw my pants away. I had to clean as much as I could. Get out of the stall. Grab the soap dispenser from the sink. Go back into the stall.

No. Clean myself up. Or people in there looking at you funny. Oh, what a production. Yeah. And then like everyone, it's like 30 minutes later. Yeah. The table's probably like, where are you?

This bitch died. You should have... I would have left. I would have left. I would have left. from a friend. This bitch either died or she shit or she shit or she. And from now on, I'm going to know which one it is.

You know every time regardless. But yeah, no, I was getting all these texts from my friends at the table. Are you okay? Like, what's up? And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, I don't know what's going on. So I, thank God I wore a flannel. Yeah.

Tied it around my waist and just told everyone I had to go. That's what I'd be like, I got to go by. I mean, I'd have the time to say I've got to leave. I made up a lie. I mean, in college, like, You know, I'd have too many bowls of raisin bran. You've got a very healthy system. I have a lot of fiber.

Are you just trying to flush it all out and stay skinny? No, I just love raisin brand. And I would have like five bowls. And then I'd be walking back to my dorm and I'd be like, oh, yeah, I could go. But I'd like wait. And then I was in the elevator and just came. You're like, I don't want to. So I had to like, I had to like bottle to the bathroom.

Oh, my God. It's like you'd find sober. An inconvenience until you've actually pooped your pants, which is a major inconvenience. Exactly. Like, for some reason, when my body says it's time, I challenge for 20 more minutes. You can't do that anymore. Until I poop myself. Yeah.

Are you going to work on that? Yes. You have to. It makes for good content. You're right. You're right. I've learned that all of it, like, I'm like, ooh, I got to write that one down. That's a good question.

I have another one. Okay. Please continue. Wait, should I tell the one in the car that I told you about buying undies? Yes. Were you the girl on bar stool? sports who held her undies up on the airplane to the recycled air and aired out of her no i was she but i after after like a full day sometimes i like the smell of my bandies that is

the most disgusting thing i i honestly like you can't stay at my house after i've heard that she just asked me to be her roommate you're not anymore i take it back that is beyond it is never it is too far never heard that never heard anything like it like sometimes i'll take a shower and like um but like you like hang you should hang them on your bench in your car oh my gosh it's just like my i've been told by boyfriends that my vagina's perfect that is disgusting is it like a paper cut um no it's just like it's very it's nice it's perfectly shaped it smells nice do you eat a lot of pineapple what's your secret do you do workouts down there um you told me that the your chick that waxes your vagina says it sweats but that i mean there's a way it smells

But I also shower like four times a day. There's no way. I shower a lot. This is too far for me. I feel like there's so many things to be said and I can't think of one. Anyone else want to go? My favorite thing about this is that you're like, can I do another one? Yeah, she's excited about it.

I love it. Hey guys, so TurboTax Live is a new way to do taxes. It combines tech with on-demand tax pros who can answer your questions and offer personalized advice. Real CPAs and EAs can help you with your return and find, all the deductions that apply to you. Their tax experts are there so that when you need them, you can file with complete peace of mind.

I love this. Who doesn't get stressed out and need help? You've got real tax questions so TurboTax Live has real tax professionals who can answer them for you. They have CPAs and EAs who are on demand ready to give you advice and answer questions as you go. Their tax pros get to know you so they can offer personalized suggestions and find the deductions that you deserve.

Whether you're stuck on a specific question or need guidance working through your return, their tax experts can give you the confidence to ensure your return is done right. TurboTax Live with CPAs and EAs on demand. See details at turbotax.com, who doesn't want help with their taxes. We'll be right back with more Austin Vine, Grape Therapy.

Alexa isn't the only one with breaking news. Make sure to hang around at the end of this podcast for the latest breaking headlines on the AP News Minute. Hey, guys, if you like my show, then you're going to love the Jordan Harbinger show on podcast one. Ring in the new year with a new you with the help of the best life coach in town with one of the most downloaded new podcasts of 2018. Check out the Jordan Harbinger show every week on podcast one or wherever you get your favorite podcast.

Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Okay, so it's amazing. Yeah, tell us about the Squatty Potty. So I did all this research on, like, after you have a baby, like, you go through a lot of things. And people are super scared about their first poop. So I was like, I'm going to make this poop the best it can possibly be. And because it's really, don't you get like constipated and it like is hard and I have a hard time coming out. I think everyone has their own.

My problem was I had hemorrhoids like that were like the size of grapes. So I was like really scared. Yeah. So I did all this research and lots of moms said. No, yeah, and this was not. Yeah. This is not supposed to be an enjoyable experience. It's supposed to be terrifying. So I went on Amazon and I bought this Squatty Potty.

Yes. Why didn't you do an ad for Squatty Potty? You know, I can't, hello, squatty potty. This is, I'm reaching out to you right now. So I put it, my dad's going to hate me for saying this, but I put it in my guest bathroom because Evan and I go poop in the guest bathroom so we don't smell a bar bathroom. Yeah.

And my dad was staying in there with my mom when, after Bell was born, he's like, This is amazing. What is this? I was like, Dad, it's the Squatty Potty. I was like, this is a great bench never. Yeah. He's like, okay. I was like, dad, just take it with you because I want one that's a little taller.

Wait, have we described what a squatty potty is? The Squatty Potty is like a stool that kind of like wraps around your feet. So you put your feet on top of this stool and it raises your legs up because- Which puts you in a proper squatting position to get a nice, a nice, yes, to make it come out easier. and without like pushing right but there are different like there's also like a squatty potty that's like wood that's like fashionable squatty potty oh there's also levels like you can get one that's 10 inches you can get one that's 14 inches wait is it like the higher up I think so because this is a confession so on the cruise ship my last cruise ship you have your own like little teeny tiny

bathroom and I was like sometimes it's hard to poop yeah so I was like I'm just going to put feet on the toilet you subconsciously invented the squatty potty i think maybe i didn't maybe some there's a camera in there someone saw me and was like this is a great idea um so yeah i used to put my feet on the toilet while i was pooping every single time and then i realized the squatty potty exists and you're like oh that's way cooler and they send you a button with a squatty potty that says i pooped today no yes what i got to do more research on the squatty potty it's really good That's, I know, because I saw it in there, and I'm like, wait, I've seen or heard of this before, and I sometimes, like, I'll give myself, like, an imaginary squatty body.

Just put your feet on the toilet. Yeah, just to see if it, like, does anything. But then I just don't have the patience. But I used to use, I used a box before I actually got the squatty potty. And I put my feet on a box. So you, oh, so this is, like, really functional for you. This is like, I finally got the thing that I needed the whole time. I just had to take steps to get.

I mean, I've had, I've had poop problems my whole life, and now I don't. Wow. Now it's a lot easier. I can't believe you're talking about this. Oh, my God. This is actually, wow, this is aggressive, but I'm going to tell it. Okay. It's aggressive.

Oh, my gosh. So this is my first boyfriend in high school. You're blushing right now. I'm like, I can't believe I'm about to tell this. Have a drink. Have a drink. It'll be okay. I'm like getting heated over here.

Okay. So in 12th grade, my first boyfriend always wanted to go down. And I was like so nervous that I was like, I can't, like I can't do it. I was like such a little prude. I was like, no. And so one time I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And so he went. And his sister had snuck her baby monitor. She had a baby. And she snuck her baby monitor under the bed. And she never wanted us to be together. So she heard that he was about to. So he went to go down, and she burst in, and he had gotten a bloody nose. So she burst in the door, and he panicked, and he came up, and he had blood all over his feet. No. And so she was like, you guys are disgusting. And she thought it was that time of the month. No. That's like, that's like a movie.

I feel so sick right. now that I just shared that. That's, why would she do that? I don't know. That, that's a funny story, but that makes me so mad. I know. What was, why would she want to do that? Why?

Dorn metal. Jenna? Jenna, why didn't you do that? And it scarred me. And I got a bloody nose. I feel so, like, red right now. No, that is a funny story. That, there's, that's a funny story.

Yeah. That's, that's, that's from a movie. That's from, like, a blockers, American pie. Yeah. That's a Will Ferrell kind of thing as a dad with the kid. Like that is, yeah. I'm really glad I just shared that because it's a good one. It's a good story. I'm just like, that's, I don't know how many podcasts you've had, but that's. That might be my best. That might be. Yeah, the confession. That is aggressive. That's a heavy duty story. It's, it's pretty good. But, yeah. I mean, it would have been a lot more more embarrassing if it wasn't a bloody nose. Yeah. But it was. So it's funny. Oh my gosh. I just got done. I was coaching baseball.

Summer baseball, and we just got done. It was our last game. So we went out and we got pizza and beer. And my grandma was passing through the area with my aunts and uncles. And so I do pizza and beer. And then they're like, hey, we're at this restaurant grabbing steak and wine and all this. So I go drive my truck over a stick shift, Toyota Tacoma, drive it over to the hotel they're at at the steak place. And my grandma hadn't finished her steak, her wine.

They had appetizers on the table and all these different, like, trio of desserts. Yeah. So I finish her steak, all the vegetables, some of the appetizers, and then wine, and then a trio of desserts, and I'm just eating it. Yeah. So, plus I had the pizza and beer. Yeah. And so we say goodbye and I'm walking out into the parking lot and all that just hits me in the gut. That's a lot.

And I'm like, oh, man, I'm about to shit myself. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I figured, am I going to. Wait, can we swear on this? Yes.

Oh, yeah. And I figured, you know, am I going to run back into the hotel or should I? make it to my truck and drive home and I figured if I went back to the hotel you know I wasn't even going to make it to the bathroom right so I figured let me chance it I'll get in my truck well mind you it's a stick shift so I get in my truck and I'm driving thinking I'm going to make it home yeah well every time I had to put the clutch into shift gears it like oh it like read my butt sheets yeah I'm pinching like super tight to squeeze the hold it in and I'm and I'm at a stoplight like a little release yeah it's like a little release and I'm sure

shaking bad. My legs are going back and forth. Sweating. And I'm trying to like keep it in a low gear but not put the clutch in. You know, so I'm honking at people that aren't moving on a green. Oh, yeah, I'm firing it up. And so finally I get out front of the house and I'm squeezing hard, hard. And I park my truck. Well, you can't really like jump down two feet unless you swing your feet out together. So I just wasn't a hurry. I know. I wish people could see this. Yeah. No, I'm acting it out. Oh, yeah. And I put my left leg out, like, of the door to hit the ground while my right leg was still in the truck, where I got major separation. I just had a total blowout. Oh, wow. Yeah, and I'm not talking about a tire. I'm talking the back door. So then I had to pull my jeans

tight around, you know, around my butt. And I ran up to the door and got the key in. It was pretty bad. Well, at least it was pretty bad. I just went straight to the shower. Yeah, I just Oh, my God. I had to burn those jeans. This is the kind of confession the people want. You just gave the people what they want. That's amazing and, like, obviously terrible. Oh, it was terrible.

But great story. Yeah, I burned them. Yeah. Did you actually? I think I did. A little bonfire out back. By yourself, like. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, neighbor was like, what are you cooking over there? It smells shitty. I'm just kidding. Yes. Oh, that's good. I've heard this story, probably three or five times.

No, you have it. Every time I die laughing, because he always tells it a little different, like, adds in some new detail. And I'm like, like, the bonfire always really happened. Every time he switches in the gear, I'm like, oh, my God, what? You're just a good story telling up my shoes. That's good. I really, like, felt that, too. Like, I wish people could see your acting out skills of shitting your pants.

Next time we'll bring a camera. That was next level. Thank you. Good for you. Thank you. Top that. Top that, Becca. She has a good one.

I cannot top that. I have some good. I want to say good. I have some good ones, some funny ones. I'm always like, you know, one of these days I want to write like a book about all these like crazy stories of my life. Oh, you should do like a coffee table book. Yeah, that's a great idea. But it's so funny because everyone's like, you're so classy. You're always so put together. I'm like, if only really new people. We are human. Yeah, exactly. There is one which, sorry, mom, if you ever hear this, I apologize. She can just fast forward. There's a little button at the bottom, skip 15 seconds. Just keep hitting that. So we're done here. But, okay, so I feel like everyone in their lifetime, you know, you always make a list of the people that you've been with in life. And so it wasn't until this season that I was with one of my producers who I got really close with. And, you know, we had some downtime.

We're laying in bed, like, making the list. And I'm like, you know, I don't know my exact number because there's one that I'm still unsure about. You know, go to weddings, you drink too much. It's just a blur, whatever. Yeah. So there's one. And, yeah, to this day, I will never say his name. but um he was my uh first i can't even call it a closet hookup because it it was um at a hotel

but it was like literally their uh like holiday decor room where all of their decorations were so that's like the next day i was like you know i don't know if i like went in there for sure with this guy like did we make out like i don't know and then the next morning i'm like oh yeah we did because i made my best friend come in there with me and we found my handbag under under like a Santa Claus, like, garland, wreath. I was like, keep in the classier right now. Oh, my gosh. Wait, how old were you?

Oh, I was at... It was just before the show. Oh, a couple weeks before the show. I was 26, I think. I think I have my craziest stories at 25, 26. Like, mid-20s, yeah. Like, I stayed in New York for a while for work, and, you know, I mean, it's New York. You just, you live your life.

You live your New York life, and you don't tell. It's like Vegas. Like, what happens in New York stays on Instagram. The most famous person. I've ever hooked up with was and I consider this hooking up John Mayer Stop! No. Yes.

We full on made out with tongue For five minutes. It was New Year's Eve many years ago now. This is so long ago. I'm yelling. I'm yelling! He was still dating Jessica Simpson at the time. He's dated everybody. Heidi Kloom, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston,

Katie Perry. He gets around and it was New Year's Eve. And we were in New York City. I had just co-hosted MTV's T.R. MTV's New Year's Eve special. Back when it was all about teal tequila that year, she had a show on MTV.

Yeah, love her. It was my second year in a row doing that. And then we went to this club in Chelsea that doesn't exist anymore called stereo. They kept it open after hours for us. I was just drinking. I don't know what they were doing. That's all I'm saying. And then all of a sudden, John Mayer

just starts tonguing me. Stop. And Jessica Simpson was so uncomfortable. She didn't know what to do. She started to just cover her face with her hair to pretend that she couldn't see what was happening. And then it was still going on. I'm not exaggerating. Five solid minutes, at least.

Then she started rubbing his dick while John Mayer was making out with me for five minutes. Then he afterwards has his conversation with me about gay porn and name-checking his favorite gay porn start. And by the way, for any of you who may be doubting me, you can YouTube this. He has confirmed this that it happened. He's a wacky dude in the best way. He's done stand-up comedy, and during one of his stand-up comedy sets, he talked about making out with me. You're joking right now. No, you can find it on YouTube.

Well, yeah, I guess you can't joke about that. No, you tell me yours now. I'm like, I got nothing. Mine's like, I don't know, Sean Booth from The Bachelorette. Okay, I'll tell you. All right. One time I kissed Benji Madden when I was like 21. Oh, all right

That's like My one And they were bigger then Yeah, they were Yeah, they were, yeah, they were Yeah I'm like, my claim to fame is like

He's now with Cameron Diaz So there's that But yeah, no, that was What? They're still together Yeah Yeah, yeah Oh my gosh

That is, yeah That was That, nothing compares to yours And I'm like, I like, It wasn't like full blown It was just like I mean I would have had

Full Blown sex with him Like I think we're friends Like, oh yeah Actually, I don't think I think I would have had full-blown sex with him because that was back when I was really fat and I didn't want to have sex with anybody then. I felt really bad about my son. Yeah, I understand that's, but even if it was John Mayer.

I wouldn't want to take my shirt off. I didn't want to. And actually the next day, maybe that month, January of 2008 is when I began my fitness journey. I was like, it's time to stop being a fat for me. I could say that because I was one. And, you know, I didn't get laid once in 2007. And for gay dudes, actually, now I haven't gotten laid since 2016. Oh, geez, get out there.

It's hard. I know. I would, but I work from home. And I just, you need to make time. I would. I would. I just don't do the apps. And that's how most gay guys meet on Grindr or Scruff or Tinder or whatever.

Blake, you're up. Confessio. Oh, no. I've been dreading this for a week. Okay, so my family, so, especially my dad's out of the family, they think just like poop and fart is hilarious. I don't know if anybody else's family is like that, but... I got in trouble on my season for liking poop and fart jokes. Ian, I don't know if you guys remember Ian, but he thought I was shallow and surface level for liking fart jokes.

And I was like, he was like, I'm not in the mood for fart jokes. I'm like, what? So I shouldn't tell you my next joke. Okay, go on. so um i just remember being around like thanksgiving dinner i think or christmas dinner and they were like all talking about how they've all shit their pants at some point for time and that felt so left out as i had never i never should my pants i'm like who am i yeah i'm like who am i yeah what a loser so um not much longer long after turkey it'll do it i was yeah i was in bed and i don't know what

honestly don't know what happened like my stomach started to hurt it's about to get weird next thing i knew yeah i was like oh wow roll i was like oh in bed like in bed i shit i literally shit the bed you literally shit the bed i literally shit the bed gross yeah but i just remember like after i had shit the bed and i did the clean up and i like threw the sheets out flip the mattress did the whole thing i remember laying in bed like my parents are going to be so proud me like i could i i could talk at christmas dinner like that's something to talk about at christmas family now like yeah i fit in now oh that's funny yeah i honestly don't know what happened i just it was like you channeled it you were like yeah it was like yeah my dad's not gonna love me unless

shit the bed and then you manifested it my dad to love me i just shit the bed and now he loves you yeah i'm really proud of you yeah cheers to that i'll wash away yeah i'll do that for you Cheers. Cheers. Tia, confess to us, my child. Okay. I feel like I have multiple confessions. Great.

Does it involve Colton? Why do I keep going there? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just feel like... Wait, before you confess... No, we're going to get you buttered up, and then we'll ask the questions. Go on.

Okay. I'm going to start with the not shitting my pants confession, and then we'll finish with that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, first confession is... I never...

I know. Everybody goes silent. I love it. I hope my mom doesn't listen to this. Okay, I just moved to my new apartment, and I have a bag full of vibrators and things. Yeah. Yeah, and my mom helped me move to my new apartment. So, I had a bag full of fun things that are used at my house and not in my mom's house, and I had to put them in a backpack, and I had to let the movers move all of the fun toys. to my new apartment so my mom wouldn't see.

So that's the first confession. Did they see? No. Did you have a box labeled like vibrators? The bag said, the bag says super important shit. Which it is. And my mom cannot see that bag because it has a rabbit in it. Oh, yeah.

And it has other shit in it that we can. I know what that mean? I'm glad you don't know what that means. What does that mean? A rabbit? It's the best. thing in the world you wouldn't know what it is that's why colton would not know how to with me thank you thank you yes sorry boo sorry boo i love you i am very happy ratings i know

exactly what my headline's going to be for this podcast. Call the media. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't. Yeah, I would. Hey, you confess it. Thank you for that. You're welcome. That I will take two drinks for. Let's all cheers to Tia for that one.

Which also Blake should thank you because then people forgot about you shitting the bed. Thank you, Tia. Oh my God, yes, Tia. Also, girls, get yourself a rabbit. Get yourself a rabbit. I named mine, Peter. Better than any man.

Sorry, man. That is the title. Where's the white wine? That's so funny, but you should really not label it that? Because what if you got, like, robbed, and they thought they were getting some really important shit? And I just got a box full of dildos. Surprise. Okay.

Second, shut your pants. Confession. Do I have to say that? Yes. You don't have to. She's like, I'm tapped out. Okay. Only because Sarah.

Sarah, Liz, and Morgan know him. He was my freshman year of college. Love one story to start like that. This was my crush in college. So I was in the dorm and I had a roommate and two sweetmates and I knew that I had food poisoning. It was not a good time. So I drove to Jacob Wall's house knowing that I had food poisoning. What?

Yeah. He let me in. One, he let me in. And it was coming out of both ends. So we were puking and then shitting and then puking. I like to call that a good butt puk. Puking in your shit. We lost lots of weight that year.

This happened often? This is one time. Okay. Just eating raw, cat, cottage cheese. Okay. Day old cottage cheese. So I was laying on the floor praying for God to take me home because it was so bad. And he was so sweet.

He came in. and he lysoled the toilet seat and I slid off the toilet seat because I really needed a shit and it was you paint a pretty picture very romantic and I called my mom and she came and picked me up and now I wanted to die but I lost five pounds so worth it I don't know about that dildos and food poisoning if you take anything away from this podcast get yourself of a dildo and a good old food poisoning. Good old fash of food poisoning. Thank you.

I'm okay with that one. Brandy. I don't know if I can follow this up. The Colton reaction was just really high here. I know. Colton, who? Who? Yeah, who's Colton? I don't know.

Colton, who now? Okay. I have like a decent one, I guess. Okay. Last date I went on. Before I left, I had just heard my period, which is like the biggest bummer. Like, God, why?

Why? So you wanted to go to- Were you going to have sex? I mean, just like, there's, like, all the reasons. Like, what if you do want to have sex? Or, like, you know, you're bloated. Maybe the universe is telling you to not sleep with him on the first date. There's a lot of reasons.

It was a second date. Oh, we had that. You, universe. What are you doing to me? I was already, like, so upset about being on my period. So we go to dinner. Dinner's gray. We have a great time.

And he's like, do want to come back to my apartment and I'm like, yeah, sounds great. So we go back to his apartment. And I'm like, I got a tampon, which sucks to do at a dude's house, right? Like, where do you put it? like you can't flush them what if you stop the toilet up you can't put it in the trash can because then he's the one that has to get rid of it like oh so much anxiety even the wrap anxiety and by the way this is why guys don't come to this yeah this is why so my mom I text my mom and I'm like mom what do I do and she's like you wrap it up in a lot of toilet paper

and you put it in the trash can I'll never even know what it is I'm like all right that's what I'm gonna do mama tish change my tampon it's in the trash can and go back out he hands me a drink we're sitting there we're chatting we're having a great time he has a dog all of a sudden The dog comes out with a bloody tampon, and I'm like... No, no, nope, nope, nope, nope. I wasn't mortified. What do you mean? You don't know how to fall?

That's the best one. That's amazing. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new mini-sodes every Thursday, and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday exclusively on Podcast 1.com. the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's done with OTV? This week's grape therapy is sponsored by TurboTax.

Find out more at turbotax.com.