Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Lesbian Island ft. Ashley Gavin & Hannah Berner

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Comedian, podcaster, and the gayest Bachelor fan alive, Ashley Gavin crashed Hannah Berner’s podcast episode, so it’s only fair Hannah does the same to Ashley on today’s pod where one bi, one straight, and one lesbian cover it all. They’re answering the important questions in life, like how do lesbians determine when sex is over? And, how do lesbians even have sex? JK, they don’t answer the second one, because no one knows! Ashley tells a never-before-shared story about the industry that leads the three podcasters to agree on one VERY important fact: Karma has no deadline. Although no one has struggled more than white cis men, Ashley talks about her sometimes difficult journey throughout the past nine years of comedy that has led to some recent full-circle moments. Get pumped to watch the three of them host a new, innovative reality TV show, hopefully coming to your screens ASAP. And, make sure to watch Ashley’s special on YouTube! Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: QUINCE - Right now, go to Quince.com/vine to get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order.  THIRDLOVE - Visit ThirdLove.com to find your fit and shop their bestselling bras and get $15 off your first purchase! ANGI - Your home for everything home.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Grab a coffee and discover nonstop action with Bud MGM Casino.

Check out our hottest exclusive. Friends of one with Multi-Drop. Once even more options. Play our wide variety of table games. Or head over to the arcade for nostalgic casino thrills only available at BetMGM. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with eye gaming Ontario this episode of grape therapy is brought to you by quince right now go to quince dot com slash vine to get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order third love visit third love dot com to find your fit and shop their best-selling bras plus get $15 off your first purchase and angie your home for everything home i'm kately bristow your session is now starting Welcome

I love you. I love you. I love you. And we love that you crashed our podcast. That was honestly so good. And I was like, what if they didn't like each other? That would be so bad. Imagine if you were...

I don't have beef with... My beef is... Any beef that I have is so dumb. and I will instantly retract it immediately. All I have to do is just be like, this made me upset. And if they were like, oh, I get that. I'd be like, okay, we're friends now.

Ashley's like one of my favorite people in comedy. Thank you so much. You're one of mine. You're just also such a good person. Yes, she is. And you're such a New Yorker, and I love other New Yorkers. Yeah, we're both New Yorkers.

Yeah. Damn, I am way too nice for this couch. Way too polite. Polite, I think is the key. You say sorry one more time, I swear to gad. I have hardened up a bit since moving to the South. I know because they're kind in a different way. It's not the same.

Canadians are honestly the nicest. I mean, being in Canada. Fake nice. Exactly. Bless your heart. Yeah. What are you saying about me the second this interaction is over? Nashville is also the L.A. of the South.

It really is. And it's getting, like, as soon as we got a Soho house, I was like, oh, gosh. No, I just got my makeup done there and the gossip that I got from the makeup artist of like which country singers hate who and like who's stealing who. I do not remember a name. But I just remember thinking like

because it's such a small market and there's so much stardom in it. Well, when I got my glam done in Nashville, I also got some serious. Wait. Well, we can't all just be this naturally. Ashley texted me and it's funny. Shut up.

I'm not going to call you out fully. I'm not going to call you out fully. I'm calling her out a little You can do it fully She just had her first special out And now she's making more like Bigger appearances and stuff And she messaged me because I did reality TV

And I was a like Sloppy bitch And I had to be forced to learn a little I did not say that But that's what we That's what I'm saying you know Okay I had to learn like she was like

Where do people like get facials Like how do you take care of yourself Like she fucking knows Yeah if you have any advice Because these guys right here Are starting to happen But also you cannot You cannot change

you are just because you know i'm not going to change why am i just want to stay hot that's all i want to do i don't want to change i just want to stay exactly this don't get a boom job i get a massive just absolute i get a bbL what do you what's wrong right did i say it right you did say it right a bbl when ashley goes to hollywood oh my gosh there's another you start getting spray tans wait that's another idea we give her like her like everything you've done to yourself, we make her do it. Like in your week, like fake eyelashes, spray tan. And in return, I just have to hold hands with a girl to walk down the street.

No, I make you come out to your grandma. That's what I make you fucking do. If I get a BBL, yeah, you have to go to her grave with your whole family, seance, Ouija Board. My grandma would celebrate. That's great. Yeah. Actually, do you know I say your name in my set?

What? I say your name in my set. right now well i got to add you into mind somehow i i talk because i talked to her about yeah sure how to lesbian so i was having sex with kaitland brist up and then a male would be like how she's like well it only comes from true experiences so but i do i ask her like how do you know when the sex is done yeah with lesbians oh thank you thank you and because like lesbians i joke like they're coming they're coming i'm not going to do the bit but like they're coming they're coming and I'm like with a dude like you know when it's over he's like yeah he's twitching and stuff

he's twitching and he can't form a sentence for like eight weeks and you're like you came in 30 seconds and ash I go to Ashley I was like how do you know when you're done and she goes you ask and I'm like what's it like to have consensual sex that's insane that is so interesting but like think about it they have multiple orgasms yeah how do you know when you're because also after you get off The reciprocity is implicit. Because neither one of us gets, and we can talk about this, I don't know what you want to talk about, but neither one of us gets that,

I don't want to speak for everybody, because everybody is different. We're talking about cis women for the most part, but there's, for the most part, with men, they get post nut clarity, and all of a sudden, they cannot, they, it's disgusting almost for them to even think about having sex again,

and not in a gross way. But when you're a woman, like, that's not at all how it works. You're much more aroused, I feel like. Yes, exactly. Like, you're, you're, you're primed. It's, it's getting started. That's difficult for women because you have the to-doist and the headache and the things and the mood setting and the yada, yada, yada. But once you're

started. That's so true. Yeah. This comic Ben Polizzi was like, why do women either come in two minutes or two hours? There's like no in between. Yeah. No, it's true. And it's because you have that, or you're like, it's going to be. Because you have that window. You kind of have that window. So figuring out when you're done is, it's almost always reciprocity unless someone says, I don't think I'm going to come tonight for XYZ reasons or I need. Or you're like I'm good but I'll make you come until you're done. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So you just kind of figure it out together.

It's not always like an explicit. Would you like me to continue? It's not like you're more figuring out together. There's more asking. There's more consent conversations. Yeah. How beautiful. It is beautiful. Yeah. I recommend it. There's not a lot of communication sometimes with having sex with men. Humophobia. Fumiave, which is one of my favorite episodes with a straight man. His angle was that he's into really he frequently accidentally dates lesbians or he's into lesbians really yes so that was

sort of what we talked about is their motion unavailable well before they come out should I leave like this is your episode now we're in your episode is this my episode we've been in your episode 10 minutes 10 minutes this has been my episode yeah do I get to introduce myself please do okay I'm Ashley Gavin I have a podcast called we're having gay sex it's not just for gay people And I have a special that Hannah Burner said was the best specials she's seen in a while. No, like I'm so... It moves me.

It is one of the best written and performed specials I've seen in so long. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I agree, and I'm very picky with... Same. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you guys liked it

because I had like a big... And we'll get back into gay sex in a second. But I had, you know, I'm nine years in. So I had all this material and I was like, what on earth do I get rid of? do I do the stuff that I just wrote and that's like my best stuff and then lose this catalog of stuff that's nine years old that I'm really proud of. But you're like so close to it, you don't even know.

You don't even know. Like the Coldstone stuff. I think if I had been more successful and knew what kind of, and then you're putting on YouTube, you're putting it on for free. So you're like, I don't necessarily want to put the best stuff out there because what if this bombs? Like what if this does horribly? So my Coldstone joke was one of those jokes where I was like,

I might not put this in a Netflix special but I'm going to put in my YouTube special so I don't know it's very interesting you're like holding on to like better material so that wasn't even your best material the Coldstone was the I think the weakest section but some people really like it

well then Netflix if you're listening to think of the one section you didn't like love yeah yeah that was the one section that I was like because I love inside outside baby inside outside baby is probably everyone's favorite it's so good yeah My thing was the callback of the 9-11 stuff.

How did you come up with that? And how long have you been doing that for? I came up with it in November or October of 2022. And then we filmed it in February of 2020. Because when you started doing your hour, it just started. That's when I just started figuring out the hour. And I figured it out improv. I was like, oh, that's obviously not to scale with the joke.

And then I was like, oh, it'd be funny if I timed it. And then Chloe Radcliffe said to me, another really, really great comedian. She said to me, what if you kept going? Like, what if you added the other ones? I was like, that's great. I'm going to time the whole thing. So we, in the, it wasn't to scale in the special because we had to edit the special. And it was a nightmare to edit because we did four shows.

No one was timing it. Yeah. I was so, I was like, please be correct. But in the room, it was 100% to the scale of the event. So if you have no idea what we're talking about. I was just going to say, give it context for those people who are listening who just are like, Are they just talking about 9-11? New Yorkers are allowed to.

The 9-11 timeline, I create, now I'm just talking about the special. No, this is great. I wanted you to. Oh, thank you. The special is about how I blew up on TikTok for being the lesbian comedian. And I love who I am.

I love who I am. But I talk about so many other things. And I started experiencing this thing from both sides, like straight people and bookers and big late night booker. Oh, is all you do, yeah, can you do any? And I'm like, yeah, did you not even hear me? Like, did you hear my other stuff?

And then gay people get mad when I talk about not gay. Right. So I, in the special, I specifically tried to thread the needle of hitting both sides by tying together this gay narrative with the opposite of gay, which I chose to be 9-11. Right. So genius. And this sounds insane.

This sounds insane. No, it's... Producer, does this sound insane? No. No, he's on board, Joey. So, but, so the special was just like, what are the two opposites? What are the two things that, like, people, my gay fans, you can never make fun of a tragedy. That's what I was like, my gay fans will never like that.

Right. And then on the other side, what are like the in-cell men going to fucking love if I make fun of a tragedy? So I was like, how can I put the gay stuff and the tragedy stuff together into a narrative? and that's how I built the special. It really is genius. Thank you so much. I know, it's so funny.

I was, so I was packing and watching and I usually throw on like Gray's Anatomy or something when I'm packing. And I had to like sit down because I found myself just like this watching. And I was trying to pack it. I was like, just sit down and watch you, Caitlin. And I was so in it the whole time. And then by the end I was like crying and I don't want to give anything away. But like it was like, I was like moved.

She made such a good point I'm talking like you're not in the room where she's like I talk about sex and it's like all you talk about is gay shit but me as a straight comic I talk about sex and obviously people say women just talk about pussies but it's like no one gets mad because I'm straight and also men talk a lot about sex too

Yeah yeah it's straight up homophobic yeah And yet still no one knows how we have sex Still like you say this to me all the time You're like well that's all you're fucking talk about but also like how yeah maybe if you let me speak you'll know yeah it's yeah i feel like

well as i was listening to that and did somebody say like a double-sided dildo yes that the double-ended dildo joke and did that come from the crowd no no no no no oh i thought somebody from the crowd said it and then i was like the anyways that whole bit of the double-sided dildo was just incredible too thank you i appreciate that yeah yeah that's just what i picture And you were balancing quite nicely. Thank you very much. I work, I do it all the time.

I remember you, not to make this about me, but you texted me. Or I texted you. I was like, good luck the night of filming. And Ashley's so hard in herself. She's such a perfectionist, which is what makes her successful. But she goes, Hannah. Guys, this is really above and beyond very sweet. No, you go, Hannah, this was amazing.

You came here for gay sex or whatever the fuck you wanted. You like Caitlin and you're like, I'll give this dike a chance, whatever. Like, we'll get to normal government. No, but she goes, it went amazing. and that's when I was like, if Ashley thought it went well, she did a real special. I could cry thinking about. I taped four times because my crowd is very new to comedy.

And I was like, I'm not going to chance two performances. I want one. And the first night, kind of a little tighter. And then we did the third tape. And it was just like one of the best crowds I'd had in a really, really long time. And I just was like in front of my sister, in front of my girlfriend, in front of my manager, in front of my agent, in front of one of my best friends.

like the don't tell team don't tell comedy they make incredible stuff go check them out um and i just was like i didn't know that you make this work and it goes it you as an artist you go for so long trying to make something perfect yeah and you're and you start to think like you oh maybe there's no such thing like maybe i just have to let go and then you have a night like that and you're like oh it can it can it can't happen like every now and then the stars align yeah nine years of doing that it's it must i was thinking about that before you even said that i'm like that must be such a journey to go on of nine years to go through so many and at some point you're like you said probably thinking maybe this just isn't my path yeah and then you're like what if i quit or what if i did give up on that

and i wouldn't be here but does was it tictock you blew up on i blew up on ticot and like i cannot tell you like i've auditioned for every single thing everyone saw me everyone knew who i was every manager like because I did all the things and like just no one gave a fuck dude no one gave a fuck that I had the best audition in the room I have chills and then the internet and this is where I have to thank my gay fans even though you guys I love you we're a little sensitive she also is not afraid to call anyone out they can just be a little bit well well actually and I'm like shut up just shut up they're harder on me than anybody I know because I'm getting but my if it weren't for queer people being like nope this is our this is our comedian like

I I wouldn't be here I wouldn't be on this podcast like you stuck to being you if you had changed for everyone else you would have been a watered down comedian you want to hear a crazy story I thought of the other day now I can share it and I've never said it anywhere because it's like a big deal in the comedy community okay so very into adding new pieces to my closet but you guys know I love keeping things affordable but sometimes it feels like there's not that many affordable options out there that are actually high quality and not fast fashion that don't last and luckily I have a wreck for you that I've been loving lately and that is quince so with quince I can get high quality timeless pieces without paying that luxury price tag and so can you my little vanos

quince offers a range of must-have items like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater for only 50 bucks 100% European linen pants for 40 not to mention 50 dollar Italian leather bags and 14-carat gold jewelry from $30. All their prices are 50 to 80% less than similar luxury brands, and they do that by partnering with top factories to cut the cost of the middleman, and what makes me love them even more is that they only work with factories

that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium eco-friendly fabrics and finishes. I got a bunch of really cute pieces from them, and we'll definitely be getting more. But I have to say, my favorite so far, the set that I got, is their super soft fleece pants and pull over hoodie and Heather Gray. I don't know if I've ever put on such a buttery soft suit that's so cute.

It's just a go for me. It's a yes for me, dog, and actually so affordable. So win all around. So shop with Quince today and discover the affordable luxury you deserve right now. Go to quince.com slash vine to get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash vine for free shipping, 365-day returns. Quince.com slash fine. Okay, are you looking for summer's it bra? Well, I've found it for you. It's third loves 24-7 t-shirt bra now available in a timeless and versatile white

shade, perfect to go under all your summer outfits. And every outfit starts with its first layer, so why not make it an amazing one? With a smoothing band and no slip pleaded straps, all-day comfort and support is possible in 13 colors, including seven shades of neutral. available in 60 plus sizes you'll walk away with a bra that actually fits making every day a great boob day don't believe us well one i'm offended i would never lie to you and the 37,000 plus five-star reviews prove that this bra is the real deal so visit thirdlove dot com to find your fit and shop their best-selling bras get $15 off your first purchase the booker of jfell who had to resign a few years ago because he had all these allegations of the way that he spoke to women and like all this stuff he said they never give feedback but because my agent at the time was friends with him somehow

they gave me notes i have a set it's not in the special it's not anywhere i have a set about picking a sperm donor yeah which you could say is gay but you could also just say it's a thing that some women do some people who yes like a couple of girls separately who yes yes or like your guy your man doesn't make the sperm whatever i don't know right whatever whatever your single mother whatever the fuck you want to do yeah i wrote this joke about picking my sperm it's quite funny yeah i think you know it's like i'm putting him through this evolutionary test of i want the best stuff and they said to me the set was too gay because i wrote this set that's where the notes and then and that maybe it's inappropriate to talk about pick some a serious topic like

picking a sperm donor in this. What? Yeah. Meanwhile, you know what I mean? But now that, but now that. And he had to resign. Good.

Now I feel, I almost feel guilty now that I didn't say anything to anyone. Because I was still in the mindset that he held the key to my career. Gosh, I bet so many people can relate to that, no matter what job they're in. Oh, yeah, for sure. God, I hate that. Yeah. Well, but look at you now. He's dead now.

Yeah. Jeff Singer, you're dead. Full name. Oh, fuck you. Is he really dead? No, he's not. I'm dancing on his screen. He's commenting on your YouTube going to specials fucking gay.

He's a troll. The dude is a troll, dude. Yeah. But isn't that the best when the, like, karma has no deadline and you just get to, like, what a great quote. Holy shit. Put that in some curly fine. frame it, put it on a white woman's living room

long term karma. I love it to take a while. Live, laugh. Karma has no deadline. Yes, yeah, live laugh, karma has no deadline. That is so great. Did you make that up? I am not going to take full credit, but I've been saying it for years and I don't know where I got it. You may have made it up. I remember thinking it during a show. Jeff's saying it up and we're very sorry. No, it wasn't an audiobook. I remember specifically the time when I started saying it and thinking Yeah, what happened? What happened? It was, well, you went on Nick Biles' podcast, didn't you?

Yes, yes. It was something to do with in the time where... By the way, I have no allegiance to anybody. Oh, no, no, no. I actually get along very well with Nick. Great. I love him. He's a great guy. But in the time... Thank you for letting me do your podcast. In the time where we weren't.

I remember thinking it then, and that was like seven, eight years ago. Yeah. I've been saying it ever since. Mm-hmm. But back to... Did he get hit by a car? Nick Vyle is dead. that's great clickbait wait wait what happened

Nick Files interviewing Vanderpump stars so he's in a rough place right now he's what interviewing Vanderpump stars isn't that a great thing to be doing though right now yeah he's good at getting like the clickbait he's so good at that I'm like I want the good people you can have when Nick Vial gives people advice I'm like damn Nick you didn't have to come for their mother I think it's cool he's so fucking brutal he's been through it you actually can see the growth that he has had I mean I hope as a human play out on camera the guy has learned a lot absolutely you have to respect someone that's why straight white men should be making choices about Hollywood I yes because you know what no one's been through it and grown more than a white man no I struggled more than Nick in this life

A poor guy came from a great family of 11 kids Wait, can I say my favorite thing about The Bachelor? Yes. I think The Bachelor is like, because you say that, you say he grew up in Wisconsin, he has 11 brothers and sisters. I'm about to say some fucked up shit. Please just know that this is like joke,

this is joke context. I don't fully mean what I'm saying. I'm exaggerating. She's cutting this part, so you don't have to say that. So, but it's like you go to the hometowns. You see this Adonis of, a human being and then you walk into their home and you're like you came from that that you won the genetic lottery in rural alabama right and it's the bachelor is like the NFL draft now for getting to

LA and becoming an influencer that that that's all the hottest thing the town's ever seen ever seen ever seen yeah and they leave their small town yeah and they go on the bachelor like I got to take my shot and meant like the NFL mentally challenging you could get a head injury from what people are saying to you it's true or going out of a helicopter whatever the fuck they make you do it oh yeah they make you jump on the cliffs and shit it's like just to feel something really birds I tried to make me go in a room with birds and I have a fear of birds oh oh so that was rude but I'd be like I have a fear of hard dicks oh no I have a fear of a quitoral orgasm.

So none of those. I got flying to the producers at the beginning. I have a fear of ice cream. Don't get me near ice cream. Oh man, if you show me pizza or ice cream, it triggers me. It brings up my trauma from my past. Tropical islands are really bad. I can't make it to Thailand because I'm just going to freak out.

Are there any jacuzes here because I hate them? Oh my God. They had to travel with the same jacuzzi on the show when it was COVID. They had like a specific truck that just came up and like pulled in the same hot tub. Now obviously different water, but still. That's really funny. Portable jacuzzi. Can I go back to you being really successful?

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Let's pretend I'm very successful. You are and you're going to continue to be more because you are going to get to the place of Netflix and all these like people need to see your stuff because not only is it funny. but it's also brilliant. What was like, oh, the guy that's not actually dead that we said was dead? Jeff Singer.

Karma. Yes. Okay. My manager's going to call me up. Hey, I know that they don't do that anymore, but you can't disrespect me. He's hired as a head of Netflix next year. Biggest podcast I've ever done. I'm like, let's name some names.

You get a little power. We can beep them. No, I'm not beating. No, no, no. But to Hannah's point when she was saying, like, you did it from being you. That must be, like, the most rewarding feeling ever. Yeah.

Because there's the world that weren't especially blowing up on TikTok, for example. You know, it's like, I feel like everything's so typical. Like, I don't know, like certain people, like Matt Rife, for example. I'm like, I like him, but like, he blew up on the internet. That's so crazy. That very traditionally handsome guy taking off his pants in a video, no way. That's what I mean. That's what I mean

We're like You know that you had patience And you stayed true to who you Always have been And now you guys are really This is really nice You both are bad with compliments Well

Bad with them You remember when Jason was complimenting you Like taking There was another person Yeah yeah yeah No no yeah Like she Comics especially and you

If you compliment them They get really weird Oh I get so weird Except when I did I did a weak therapy Which every All my listeners are probably like

You've done one week of therapy? She put it on to one week. I love when people just start therapy. No, no, no. I did it, you guys. I did it. No, wait. First of all, I've been doing therapy for 12 years. That's great. I did, I went to a week of inner child work where it was 13 to 15 hours a day. I love that. That's crazy. That must have been really intense. It was so intense, but we had to do a, like, feel good circle where we had to compliment each other. And I actually love camp guys, I got to say. I loved it.

Yeah. Sounds like camp. I was like, maybe I do like a compliment because I was like, couldn't wait to what the next person was going to say about me. I was like, and then I was like, is that a pattern? Because we talk about patterns all the time in this workshop, whatever cult you want to call? We talk about patterns all the time.

My pattern is that I like compliments. Pocodots. Paisley. That's why I never join a cult, though. I don't like group activities. Oh. You don't, what about like a group workout? I was just having this.

You don't like camp? Okay. Yeah, you don't like camp? No, I was a weird tennis kid. I was like on my own hitting it to wall. Anyway, I'm producing. I think you would have liked camp, Hannah, if you go back in time and redo it. I think I have to work on some inner child stuff because I'd never had those experiences growing up.

Well, I've got a place for you to go. You can go for a full week. This episode is brought to you by Hoffman. Hanlon. Hanlon and Hoffman. But you were complimenting me. So I'm really proud of you Thank you

Oh, Katie Thurston is the reason That I fell in love with you What? Yeah That, this is a great day This is just a really Was Katie on your pod? No, but I was

We're doing it, we're doing the thing Okay, so. Oh, you f***ed Katie? No, no, no, no, no. But Maybe one day. There's a chance. Yeah, I think there's a chance.

There's definitely a chance. She slid into my DM sort of. Yeah. She did. She told me. That's how she was like, you need to have her on your podcast. And I was freaking out because I, I, listen, I've had a crush on many Bachelorette people. Me too.

Met, many. Who's your number one and why is it me? Just kidding. I'm just going to train my eyes this way for a second. For a long time, like, like Demi Burnett's whole thing on The Bachelor was just like huge for me. huge for a lot of people too and for the franchise too yeah it was incredible right she's doing bachelor paradise Canada now demi I turned it on in Canada and there's a bachelor in paradise Canada anyway sorry continue it was just so boring they're like Canada everyone's just really nice to each

other yeah yeah is it actually harder to make reality TV in a place where people are just respectful of one another I wonder yeah we'll work on it with our production company Canada markets because fans treated me differently in Canada in a good way great way but although my stupid brain I was like why don't they like me because they're very respectful of your space yeah it's true it's so true they do not violate your space no they'll literally be like like your stuff and just like walk and that's like a huge compliment yes but they will not swarm you the same way I get swarmed in other places not swarmed when I'm swarmed you're the beetles literally here's here's swarmed because my queer audience is always like I write you I wrote you and now

That's me getting swarmed. A novel from a queer fan about how my podcast helped them come out or something. It's so beautiful. I bet you've helped so many people come out or feel comfortable. They tell me that. I don't believe it. Believe it. You've got to start believe it.

Okay, Angie is your home for everything home, and they've made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your home projects done well. Now, if you own a home, you know how much work it can take. It's a lot. I always say it's an ongoing project. and whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now, all you need to do is Angie that.

And find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. So easy. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience and they've combined this experience with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest.

So from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of, you know, just about any home project in just a few taps. Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I-com. Well, hello there. I just wanted to tell you about a quick podcast study. As you know by now, we all do our very best to align the right sponsors to the podcast. It's a lot of work actually behind the scenes, and I'm incredibly grateful for your support. So we're currently running a quick little

survey at podcasting survey.com, and we're giving the first 150 people a $10 digital Amazon gift card as an incentive, if you will, to complete the survey. You know, Amazon, I've heard of it. The information we hear from you about our sponsors is incredibly important to the show, and we can't thank you enough for taking a few minutes to help us out. And it's free. Cut us a break. upon completion of the survey you'll be asked to include your email address and we will send the first 150 people a $10 gift card from amazon so go to podcasting survey.com and thank you again for helping our show and our sponsors that's funny about Canada though because I felt the same way every time I go back to Vancouver I'm like well I've lost it you just walk down like a random like

street to see you literally are carrying a rose you're walking your fox trotting down the street in a gown like she's in shoppers anybody anybody i feel like i do love your your uh your sweatshirt by the way or your windbreaker okay i want one like that i'll send you one um it's not mine i don't know i'm like i'll get you one though but i'm not sure it was from like amazon or something really yes because i got it for an 80s photo shoot and then i was like wait i actually love this and I'm gonna wear it. Yeah, it's cool, it's sick. I've been looking for one in like some thrift shops.

I haven't matched your nails too. Which I didn't plan. I just was like I really wanted a lavender moment and... Gay. Sorry. Anything could be gay if you believe in it enough. No, lavender. The gay fans will get it.

The gay fans will get it. That's why everyone freaked out over tail. Oh, is there having inside jokes. Oh, it's lavender hayes. Lavender Hayes. Lavender is a color traditionally associated with the LGBTQ community. Also, apparently, green velvet couches. I mean, you're by.

Okay, let me put something out there. Queer people don't have a lot of community. So when we discover that we all like something, and what I mean we all, I mean, the entire fucking planet had a moment with green velvet couches. Literally all of America was like that for like 15 minutes. That's so true.

Here we are on almost that. Okay, it's blue. And so queer people would be like, so bisexual oh my god having two different cold drinks bisexual no no no you know what's bisexual loneliness

feeling the other that's queer isn't there a queer scale like everybody is Kinsey yes where everybody is like a little bit queer it's just on the scale how queer are you I don't think Kinsey the Kinsey scale claims that everyone

is a little bit queer but yes like you could be a zero or six okay um i forget which sizes yes yeah okay and there are people who land right in the middle and then there are people who you know are really really really straight or really really really gay but i but i i would venture to say most people probably fall somewhere in between even if it's just a little bit yeah me i'm the gayest person where do you think katie thurston lies and when are you katy thurston i think is is probably just straight of center That's what I think. Yeah, that's what I think too. Yeah. I think definitely.

Now she's going to see this. I haven't texted her in a while and I, the last time I was in Los Angeles, I was too busy to see her and I felt bad because I told her I was going to text her. But then I got really busy and I was like, that was so Hollywood of you. Don't. Very hard of you. Okay. I was an air while out and I was too busy. I ordered seven green smoothies, bisexual.

Wait, well, how have they not done a by bachelor? I'm telling. Guys, I have this great. reality TV idea and they're telling me some other companies making it but it's not out yet and I'm gonna copyright it right here do it's called Les Island okay I think the world is ready to see hot women kissing I agree that they are ready they are they're ready yeah so what we do is like it's exactly the same as Love Island yeah except rather than being separated by gender yeah it's separated by whether you're top or bottom that's amazing they have all the tops all the

bottoms I'm the man one exactly I'm a woman um great joke We love Emma Wilman. You should have her. You should have her in a butt. But we can, actually, she's outside. Oh my goodness. This just turns into one mix.

We just take over her bod with every local New York City comic who needs to plug something. So it comes in and it's like, I have the room scheduled. No, you don't. You're on the pot. You're on Hamlin. I have the Patreon. You guys should follow my beating. Hanlonly now.

Sorry. Yes. You're in. But, wait, would you be the host of the show? I'm obviously. Damn it. I wanted to audition.

Okay, you want to do it? It's easier for me to sell it if you're the host. Or she could be the celebrity like guest. She's hosted before. You're the host now. Okay. It really makes no sense that you're the host, but that's great. Top bottom. What are you? Oh no. Oh no. I just don't know. I said something wrong. No, she just, she likes being a mask top, a power top.

Thank you. Oh, then I love being a bottom. Do you like being a bottom? Would you say you're a bottom? I know it's different when you're straight. I know it's like, but energy-wise, do you feel like you're a little more on the submissive? Like, yeah, yeah. Yes, I would be in bottom. So I'm the top host, you're the bottom host.

I get to host the bottoms and you host the tops. You're the boast and I'm the tossed and toast. And then, and then they have to compete and our teams win. I'm getting you out of myself. This is a different show. This is a different show. Just in the back of the bartending. Yes.

Okay. Wait, please, but just. show with me guys because they won't make it unless I have bigger people okay so I so the idea is that they separate by gender or sorry not by gender by top or bottom instead of gender and then maybe you're maybe you're a top and you're like oh my god that top is making me like I really want to be with this top so once during the season each person is allowed to switch but if they don't accept you're not allowed to talk about it and if they don't accept your switch you're off the island and if you tell to the person like I want you

Yeah, yeah, and they don't reciprocate. Is it like a secret? Has it to be a secret, yes. Otherwise, you're kicked off. Has to be a secret. Wait, this is brilliant. Yes, but otherwise the rules are basically. Is 9-11 involved at all?

No 9-11 unless the producers want it, in which case we can also make it a true crime documentary. Whatever sells. Also, the lesbians are looking to find the dead body of that Madeline kid. No, maybe they start on a plane, and then the plane crashes on the island, then they have to survive. That's what it is. It's lost. It's lost.

It's lead. It's yellow. Les Loss Island. You said yellow jackets? Oh, yeah, it's kind of like yellow jackets. Yeah. But, yeah, that's my idea, and it's on Lesbos, because it has to be. Wait, so somebody's already making this, they say?

Or did they just have your writing? I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. I'm not going to say what come. There's some production company trying to do something similar, but here's where I think they're wrong. Okay. That production company is trying to, they're calling it Buy Island, where every, it's men and women and everyone on the island is by.

America, I'm sorry to say this. cancel me. Straight cis dudes are not ready to see dudes kissing. They're not ready. They don't like it. They're, they cannot admit to themselves that they're a little gay. So you're saying yours would be a gateway to getting into. Mine is the gateway. Yeah. Hot women kissing is the gateway to acceptance, full acceptance of lesbians and non-binary. We can have non-piratory people on there. As long as the cis men problematically see them as women. Do you see what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah. So, and people are going to. going to come from me. I don't get a fuck. I'm not in the wrong about this. That America needs a gateway

sexy queer show. And they've been trying, like they did it on RU the one with MTV, but it got really low ratings for the reasons that I'm describing. People are, we need it to be a slow rollout. I feel like the Bachelor thinks they did it because Colton Underwood turned gay. Like they're like, we did it. The Bachelor turned that man gay. We have evolved. That's so funny that this guy was trying so hard to avoid coming out and like you know a lot of people say a lot of things about colton i know it's a very complex situation however i feel for anybody in the closet it doesn't excuse behaviors but yeah gay people aren't perfect of course yeah gay people have issues too we do no no no i mean i have a ton of issues but i feel and then and then this guy like oh my god what an amazing story

honestly that i know now he's happily married that he just got married yeah he just did like three days I could have seen him staying in the closet forever. Forever. It's so many people do. I mean, the football culture he grew up in and his dad was like a star athlete. And then you're a public figure who knows they'll be embarrassed if like you say you lie to everyone. It's embarrassing enough to tell your friends from middle school.

Yeah. Yeah. It's because they're like, yeah. Yeah. And it did break my heart that he thought by going on The Bachelor that being, you know, God was putting this is what he told himself that God was putting all of the most beautiful women in front of him. to say like, no, you're not here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

And when I heard that, that broke my heart. Yeah, it's heartbreaking. Yeah. Heartbreaking. Yeah, it really broke my heart. You're just like looking, because I remember, I knew I was gay very young. Yeah. I was not a late.

I knew it. I was just so hoping I'd be bisexual. Oh, really? I was so hoping. I knew the attraction for women would never go away. Yeah. But I was so hoping that some guy would appear before me that I could just opt into that and never have to deal with it. Yeah.

And obviously, I'm so gay. but so like I can't like I could never do that like yeah yeah it's so interesting because I do feel like there are people who can say it was from a young age but there are people who figured out late in life yeah yeah like me there's so many right now like you right now on our podcast and we all have together bisexual couch I love the bisexual couch I do too let's see what I had for you in my notes Can I grab my coffee? Please grab your coffee.

Is it hot? I hope not. No. Okay. Also, I'll let you guys finish doing your thing. I just love talking to you guys. You can obviously stay and hang. You don't have to.

You don't have to leave. Yeah. We want you to stay. You just sit. Yeah, just sit. I like staying and chilling. You don't have to stay. But honestly, it'll get more reviews on the episode, so please do.

Don't leave. Okay, I just want to make sure I'm not overstepping. No, I don't care. I don't care. I'm chilling. I'm chilling. I think. Three is the optimal podcasting environment, to be perfectly honest.

I actually do, too. It's, I keep thinking like, why did I start a podcast by myself? But I've been doing it for like six years now. So hard. So hard to do by yourself. But we also have good chemistry. We do have good chemistry. When there's good chemistry on a podcast, it literally makes me love my job. And it makes me, like, it's 7.05.

I'm supposed to be at dinner five minutes ago. Oh, yeah. No, I'm just kidding. I'm still good. So I've never watched an episode of Vanderpump rules in my whole life. Me neither. And my girlfriend's forcing me at nine o'clock to go watch the, because the finale's on tonight. And I'm like, I have...

Wait, can I say another Bachelor thing to you before you go into your thing? Yeah. Watching Jason's exit from when he was on. We talked about this. Are you serious? He was just here. What? Yeah, he was actually podcasting in the room next door and I didn't know it.

And he opened the door and I was like, what is happening? You were so obsessed of the Bachelor, Ashley. I have no idea. I'm the biggest gay Bachelor fan in America. I... Me for host. What the fuck do they have this Chris Harrison remake? I know you're probably not allowed to speak on this.

Literally found exactly carbon copy. They were like, oh, this guy's problematic. We need something different. Let's get exactly the same thing. How fun was it when Tasha and I forget who else? Was it you? Was that a bit? I'm glad I was so memorable.

Tasia was really good, but the other one wasn't great, but she tried. I have to say. I have to say, that was my favorite thing they've ever done. And the reason Tasha sticks in my mind is because she's absolutely like, I would, I would, I would like, I would upend my life for that woman. I know. She is, it's actually in person even better. Wow. Like she is.

She's gorgeous. She's so funny. Her smile. Oh, I know. And she's, yeah, I get it. She's funny. Yeah. You're funnier.

Thank you. Everyone's going to come from me. Not as memorable, but funny. I hosted Katie's season I will say there we go it's all coming together so I will say

what was I saying that's me all the time I should be the host first of all bring some representation if you're not gonna have it any other way I can I can coach those boys

in a lot of ways and for the girls we'll see what it happens you're just fucking all the cloth twist but what I forget what I was gonna say oh Jason's exit oh yes

I thought they were queuing him up to be the bachelor it was they just made him an absolute king and I love it I just love the whole thing for you guys but he also is the sweet is he must be he has to be um he was just sitting here and we were laughing because um I missed him he talks about how I I chirp all the time like part of my love language is like joking and banter yeah and I always make fun of him when we're watching the show because I'm like remember when you got dumped right before the fantasy suite and then he like doesn't know what to say back and I'm like you can make fun of me because I got right after the fantasy suite and that's like much worse you're teaching you're teaching him how to

roast yeah yeah you're setting him up you're like the guy saw inside my pussy and was like I never want to go here again say that now you try I said something about my pussy at our episode and he got all like oh you think he'll do we're having gay sex my podcast yes his brother's gay great so you'll be on and he'll be on yeah great his brother's gay no his brother lives here Oh, wait, yeah, was he in hometowns? Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. And I am, they're two of my favorite people I've ever met in my life,

and I actually should probably see them while I'm here too. Yeah, they're incredible people. Buffalo. Buffalo. Buffalo. Yeah, Jason's great. What was I going to say? What was I going to say?

I don't know. Let me look at the producer and I'm like, I don't, I don't work here. Oh, I know what I was going to say. I know what I was going to say. Hannah, you know how you said that you had asked for a joke or how to like deliver a joke? Is that what it was? Yeah, I asked her how to like construct a joke. So my question was, the first question she has to ask.

What does your, like, writing process look like? How did you first discover how to, like, deliver comedy? There's a couple ways I could tell this. I took a class from a really, really fun comedian named Rick Chrome, who does some spots at the seller. Shout out Rick Chrome. Actually, an older queer guy. Very funny. Rick's great.

And I took the class, but the funny thing is that when I took the class, and Veronica Mosey also, great comedian. When I took the class, I had never really sat down and tried to be funny in like a very constructed way. Like you came in, they gave you the pet. Well, I've tried, but like they gave you a packet. I had never written a joke. And they gave you the packet and they showed you the joke structures. I was like, okay. So I wrote a couple of jokes. By the way, never told those jokes on

stage. One of them is my most viral tweet. Really? Yes. 10 years later. There's nothing sexier than ripping off the little panties off of Reese's peanut butter cup. That was like one of my I feel like I've seen it everywhere. Yeah, it's the stupid. It's so dumb. Yeah. So dumb. But so funny. But because I was dating this woman with a peanut allergy. So I was comparing it to an affair like when she was gone i'm just taking off the little panties i have to clean up and take a shower and brush my teeth perfume yeah yeah exactly so uh god so i i went in and all the other nine kids in the class and by the way anyone who takes a comedy class is bat shit insane there's nine bat shit insane people and one sane person who might actually one day be able to yeah dude yeah it's like

acting class or improv like 99% of the people there are in the darkest time of their life the darkest time of life bananas or you're meeting a future star so like Chris Burns fat Carrie Bradshaw was in my intro to um improv class with Greta titleman as well we were all in the same intro to improv Sarah Cooper and I did improv 201 or 301 together so I'm in this class I'm the only person in there who's going to make it sorry we go around the circle the man before me tells a 45 minute story about scooping toot of fish, the small portions, at Subway. Okay. It just, the room is leveled.

We've been there for four hours. I have my little jokes. No one laughs. And what I didn't know then is how much the room matters. Yeah. The room matters. Like, it was dead. It was 11 p.m. after the end of class, it was just, and I remember thinking, I'll never do this,

ever again. And then I got an email a few weeks later from someone who obviously is in cahoots with the class that's like they do this thing called bringers Hannah never had to do this she was already famous she she skipped so many horrible horrible debilitating moments sorry you piece of shit but you you really I feel that we're close enough now that I can say to you you lucky lucky piece of shit not that you didn't do your time I just tweeted so but I got this email and he was like hey everyone from the comedy class if you bring eight friends it's called the bringer it's torture if you bring eight friends to come see you you can do eight minutes at a real comedy club

and we have real comedians on the lineup is bullshit the whole thing is fucking bullshit it's everybody's friends they're paying to be there it's this whole pay to play kind of thing but i read it and i was like networking opportunity because i was like oh there's real comedians on the show wow at a real comedy club crazy i can network that's not how comedy works but i remember thinking i'll just I'll just take the packet and I'll learn from the packet and I'll write all my jokes and I'll write my eight minutes and I invited all of my friends and that's how I started my mailing list. I have this newsletter where I write about comedy and all this stuff and this is maybe not a great story but I have the tape I have the tape of me oh you have to release it like Will Ferrell with the cat do you remember that's my favorite I haven't seen it it was his audition for SNL literally just him acting like a cat okay you would love it as a cat I have to watch it But yeah, I still have it. My hair is a mess. My outfit is horrible.

So you did eight minutes. I did eight minutes, which is a lifetime. Now, do you look back at it and be like, that was funny? So recently, I was doing crowd. I have this joke. I used to wear a lot of flannel. It was 2014. Everyone was wearing flannel.

I'm Canadian. The joke I said is I know I look very gay. I sort of look like if you, they call me a hundred footer. That means from 100 feet away, you can tell that I'm gay. It reminds me of a bird, watching like oh yeah there's a plaid-breasted lesbird over there that's the first joke i ever wrote and i threw it away because i was like it's funny but whatever and then i was making fun of this lesbian in the front row whose hair looked like a cockatiel and i exactly what you're talking about

yeah and i got down on one knee and i pulled up my five i thought oh my god my plaid-breasted lesbird joke that's perfect for this and i said it again and it was such a full-circle moment to go from I love a full circle moment. Taking my, making eight of my friends sit through the worst comedy show of all time. They were not your friends ever again.

They were not. I don't speak to most of them. My mother, my sister, having to watch me and then to be at a sold out show in Tampa. Holy shit.

Doing that joke. Unreal. Like unreal. Isn't that the best? I love full circle moments like that so much. I need to know about Ellen because she used to be my hall pass back in the day.

Bro, you're gay. Yeah, You went full mask. You went full top. Do you know why I'm in New York right now is because I have the chance to be in the same room as Megan Fox on Thursday. She told me that. Wait. How, how do you?

She's bisexual. I know. Same. Do you identify as bisexual? Okay. Because it feels gay in here. And I'm wearing the lesbian outfit. I didn't bring it back up.

I didn't bring it back up. But before you said, oh, you fell in love with me because of Katie Thurston. And I, I just moved on with my life. I just took that and I put it in. in my heart and I carry it around in my heart now. I carried it around. I went over to get my coffee and I carry that in my heart. I just never wanted to be a thing where I'm doing that like people do like, I just

wanted people to know that I, I just don't, like, yeah, I'm bisexual. I think I always have it. Well, yes, of course you've always had been. Now I'm boring and straight. It's okay. You're a butchy straight girl. I am butchee straight. That's honestly more brave.

Wait. No, it sucks. I know, I know. Guess what happens after my husband comes? Nothing. No, Des, come on. Des is a feminist icon. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, continue your story. What was I saying? You were saying. Save it for my pod. Oh my God. You guys want to do my pod the three of us? Yes, I do. We'll another hour at it on.

Wait, you, but. What was I saying? You never talked about, you were talking about Megan Fox. Oh, that's what I was. I know what I was saying. I was saying my hall pass used to be Ellen. Yes. But then.

You wanted to ask me something. Because you brought her up. a couple times in the stand-up, which was so funny. Yes. Have you ever met her? I would love to meet her. Yeah, because I would love to. A lot of people may come for me for that, but Ellen is,

Ellen, I really deeply believe that, look, some problematic things, whatever. She's a meanie, mini-weeney. But like, or maybe even. I've also heard people say. How many women are called bitches? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also heard people who've worked with her say really lovely things about her. like James Corden.

I've heard. I've heard stories. He's great. But, so she is the reason we have gay marriage. I really believe that. She's a huge piece of why we have gay marriage. And the special is kind of about the fact that gay people for a very long period of time, pretty much up until today, started in the closet as artists.

And they have to come out after they achieve success. Yeah. Wow. And that's the only way that people will be okay with it. It's like, oh, you didn't talk about it for so long. Thank you for mentioning it. Now, please never mention it again. One of the biggest gay comedians in the world right now works clean.

This industry standard gay that has been given a lot of chances by Netflix. And she's really, really, really funny, but she works primarily clean. There's really not a gay comedian who started out and works the same level of dirty. as other comedians do that made that has made it starting out and i mean like made it made it i'm not talking about like you know people who really love comedy they they of course know judy gold um but like you know like yeah and i would argue as a straight female comedian lesbian comedians have opened the doors for straight female comedians because it is such a boys club and lesbians have this strength where they don't give a fuck about what the boys think that is a and i think it's

through historically through a lot of industries lesbians have been the like bulldozers of industries. Jesus Christ, Hannah. I'm not as good an ally as you are. I know and you need to step it up. Truly. No, I identify as a lesbian, but I'm not one. Does that make sense? You're an unpracticing lesbian. If you go back even further, you look at like what trans women did for the LGBTQ. I mean, it's just like at every level like everyone's opening a door for another person. But yeah, I mean, after Ellen and Wanda you started having Amy and Rachel and there was this movement of dirty female comedians and I think we're finally ready for some queer comedians who work like full blue dirty stuff you know what I mean because that's what people like people like people like it if you only like

clean comedy fine whatever also if you like blowjob jokes you'll like put eating jokes yes that's that's the part of comedy that I love so much is the stuff that people can say in the comedy club that you can't say the honesty the honesty and the shock value and like taking it a little bit further than and the vulnerability of yeah you're right yeah especially for female sexuality like people like I'm writing this joke right now about how I came when I was 18 and I had the thought to myself that was the first time I came I thought boys are coming when they're like 11 yeah in their sleep that's first time I came to 18 yeah first time I masturbated it's crazy that we don't know as a community universally

you're taught in school oh yeah you're gonna have a wet dream that's it you're gonna come you're gonna have a wet dream you're have boners all the time you're all gonna have this meanwhile the girls are like

excuse me what the fuck is gonna happen to me well actually we don't really know because we don't talk about it and we don't care and if some if you do that you are a whore yeah right right

guys would talk about jerking off all the time and I'd be 14 and I'd be like I don't drag off I would never because I literally didn't know how to and there's so much funny My friend recently told me that growing up, she had this foot massager. Her brother had a foot massager that she would steal and just plop it on her body and use it as a vibrator. That's fucking hysterical.

That is so much funnier than a wet dream. Why are we not talking about this? And every girl has their version of this. My friend, she used to use this part of the couch. Yes. They have the pillows. I don't know how they use pillows too soft. But yeah, the sides of tables.

There's always that girl, like, in third grade who just cannot get off the table, and you're like, that's just Amanda. She's harmless. And you don't get that in sex ed. You don't get, oh, they're having wet dreams or boners everywhere, don't make fun of them. Well, you know what?

If you find me on a banister somewhere. Yeah, don't hurt fun of me. It's actually unsafe. Don't make fun of me. Do you know how I learned? I went to University of Wisconsin, and I was a gender, women's studies, minor, ally. Before it was cool.

before it was cool for points but I was just interested in women and like feminism for different reasons but there was a sex a sexuality course about like sex and it talked about how female orgasms it's literal science

they were like if you touch it long enough and you stimulate it it it's gonna get aroused and then you will have an orgasm when I saw it as like a fact I was like oh so it's just a fact and I like tried it on myself because it wasn't this like naughty dirty scary thing they were just like this is what bodies do

yeah yeah it's crazy it's crazy so i got educated in college about it which is then i became a hoe i'm just yeah that's when i entered my ho era what era are you in right now i feel like i saw something on your instagram where you're like i'm in my this era oh good question i'm always in my sweaty era oh yeah i'm i'm always cold dehydrated era i'm cold a lot too i'm in my um finding hairs on my nipple era oh we've been i had i had a nipple hair once yeah i called it i called it i was dating someone at the time. I called it my fidelity nipple. Nipple hair. My fidelity hair. Because you don't go into a new situation with your one hair. Yeah, it's only like, I have like four, but I shave them. You take that off.

I have hair and I was like, I'll never take it off. I have hair. I actually, I've already talked about this on my podcast too, but I went on medication because I get hair growth in the most awful places. What kind of meds? What kind of place? And how do they know not to take it off your head? That's rough. if you don't want hair on your chest that's quite rough oh yeah or you know you aren't you like work it you like get some hair on your chest I was a whiskey last night um okay I'm gonna ask you one last question

yeah because we've been here a while I know I'm just this is amazing um I've been here for seven hours how long are your podcasts usually an hour okay cool um we'll cut you out perfect you're obviously funny and you have a podcast called we're having gay sex so i want to ask you a question

if you could either if you could i love it i think it's so charming the tension's building for the blooper reel uh if you had to give up either your sense of humor or sex what would you choose oh god task a lesbian that is such a good question thanks I'm like the Barbara Walters of our generation Barbara Walters with a spray tan That is so tough because sex Probably will be less and less

I mean I don't know It's hard to say We're learning so much about seniors having sex But if you didn't have a sense of humor Would I wouldn't even fuck you? I don't think so because You're very hot though But this is recent

This is new hot And that's why I asked you about the Botox Oh I'll tell you everything I don't thank you so much I sorry Hannah you're out Caitlin's in she's replaced you as her she'll turn into celebrity

if you go to Nashville my person will get you in I'm going in I'm going tomorrow I know I bet if I bet when you guys are on the same plan yeah um

oh god I don't know I don't think that I could I think unfortunately I'd have to give up sex okay well then could I still fuck other could I fuck people no

God because I have no game without my sense of humor. What activities? I don't think my girlfriend would love me. Well, what activities would you do with your girlfriend if you couldn't have sex? We would play banana grams. I love banana grams. That was really quick.

Well, we played it today. Okay. We played out on the pier. I'm in an open relationship. I'm not a creep. This leads me to my next. I feel like I have to say that because I'm talking about having sex with everybody. Yay or nay, would you give up your sense of humor for a million dollars?

No, no. 100 million dollars oh 100 i'm like i'll make a million yeah 100 million no no i don't think so i think i think i would make enough money with my sense of humor to get me i don't need a hundred million dollars no who needs a hundred million dollars ellen but

besides ellen yeah i don't need a hundred million okay would you give up your sense of humor to talk to animals oh oh that is a great question for realize because my cat full Look, I love Fletcher too, but Fulton, he, you've met Fulton. Is he the black one or the tabby? He's the black cat that comes in, no matter who's in the house. You sit down, he's in your lap. He's just the sweetest, the sweetest he plays fetch.

What cute. I would love to be able to know what's going on in his mind. You haven't done a pet psychic? Yeah. Have you done a twice? No fucking way. See, I need a straight friend. I want to do a straight friend.

Am I a straight friend? I want to do frivolous. I don't like gay frivolity. Gay frivolity, the horoscopes, the sage, the taro. What straight people do it? It's accepted. Pet psychic? I want pet psychic.

I know. Like my cat apparently is like sarcastic. Like she's sassy. Who did you work with? And can I put them on my YouTube? She has a lot of dogs. My dog Pino, he identifies as a woman. She identifies as a woman.

Caitlin. You misgendered your dog. I totally misjudged my dog and I am willing to admit that I was wrong. I take actions, responsibility for my actions and my words. She likes to identify. Pina. Pina. Wait this whole time she'd just been wanting to call for Pina.

Pena. And you want to know the craziest part is Pina was on my lap, Pina was on my lap when this woman told me that. And I went, oh, and I went, you're such a pretty girl. And Pino just rested her head. on my chest like a hug it was on camera and I was like yeah they do it mine did it over the phone yeah like it's crazy mine was like your cat is having stomach issues I mean honestly that's the way to rob you guys if I'm stealing the money of if I'm the pet psychic and I'm stealing the money she didn't have to leave her couch well I'm gonna have I'm definitely going to have her over to talk to my cats

because one of my cats has some trauma and I would love to know I'm telling you both of my cats are great I love them equally one of them it's taking a lot of work to get him where he is today or her or that same you never know and hannah i'm so sorry because we've both done each other's podcast so many times honestly they're all great but this has been one of my favorite podcasting experiences of my life well i'm gonna cry all she does is podcast this is insane this was incredible don't you think this was so good yeah that's why i keep looking at the clock i'm actually sad that it's um that we have to go because yeah i just i really have enjoyed every second of this and usually i have to have my wine to like be like okay and this time i was like

like you guys didn't drive me to drink yeah I'm sober and I had the best time and this is a really big aha moment no I had so much fun too I love you both so much well I'm just meeting you yeah but if you guys would like to hose les Island I you can put me through the audition process just so I can like prove to whoever needs to see it you don't need to prove it you've proven it today on my podcast here today thank you for auditioning this is gonna be I'm gonna use this for the roll the clip my audition real. This is my thing. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. And thank you for watching my special and giving such kind feedback. Everyone watch it on YouTube. If they haven't

already watch it on YouTube, I will put the link on my social media when this comes out. It's truly something special. Hannah, I love you so much. Yeah, Hannah, thanks for doing this with me. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating and review. I'm John Glover. Emmy Award-winning researcher, John Glover, and I'm Marissa Pinson. Critically unacclaimed TV writer, Marissa Pinson.

And we're the host of the new podcast, On Brand with John and Marissa. Join us every week for an exploration of the world's most interesting. interesting and iconic brands, like Walmart. Do they still have the old people who say welcome to Walmart? No, they got rid of them. So you just want more old people in the store? I want every staff member to be over 90. And Heinz.

Heinz. Heinz. Heinz. I say Heinz. Like, I'm a German dictator. And while you learn about these legendary brands, you'll also learn a bit about us. Hey, John, do you still sleep in shoes? There's probably, I would say probably three times a year I fall asleep in shoes. You told me the thing that you should never look under a Costco chicken.

Well, I don't think you should ever look under a chicken. So tune in every Wednesday for a brand new episode of OnBrand with John and Marissa. Available May 24th, wherever you get your podcast. See you there. See what's streaming free all month long during Amplify AAPI Voices on Pluto TV. Watch shows like Kim's convenience with Simul Liu and amazing movies like Meet the Patels and Jason Mamoa in Braven. Plus, Pluto TV has hundreds of channels with thousands more movies and TV shows, available on live and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite devices for free.

Pluto TV, stream now, pay never.