Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Lo-est Moments and #WWDD

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Kaitlyn and Lo have a lot to catch up on in today’s Grape Therapy, from KB’s questionable fashion decision, what has been going down in the DMs, and listener-submitted lo-est moments that range from somewhat concerning to honestly shameful. Kaitlyn explains the Mama Donna drama that has been going on, and truthfully we’re not sure if we’re scared or impressed by the judgemental math-enthusiast. To be continued with Donna! The Vinos and the Lo Lifers came through with some seriously low moments. Lo and Kaitlyn rank the confessions on a very special, celebrity-inspired scale but then have to introduce a shame meter… and you’ll see why. APARTMENTS.COM - Go to Apartments.com, the most popular place to find a place. GEICO - Go to GEICO dot com, get a quote, and see how much YOU could save. VIZZY - To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/VINE. P&G- So if you’re looking to nourish your hair, REALLY nourish it, it’s got to be Hair Food. Look for it at Amazon, Walmart, and Target. STRAIGHT TALK - Get the 45-dollar unlimited talk, text, and data plan with NO contract on America’s best networks for up to fifty percent less! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy.

Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your question. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin. Welcome to Great Therapy. And while I'm doing my intro for this week's grape therapy, I wanted to remind you about the contest currently running to replace the podcast intro for Off the Vine. If you haven't heard about it, well, you need to because one of my Vinoes, like one of you listening, is going to become the new voice of my Off The Vine podcast intro and get to be a guest on Off The Vine with me. But it can't happen unless you submit.

All the details are on my website. The link is in the bio of Off The Vine podcast on Instagram. or go to my website, Caitlinbristow.com, slash pages slash OTV intro contest, then get your little buns on TikTok and show me what you got. Use the hashtag get in my intro, hashtag get in my intro, so you can see what everyone else is submitting to. All right, now let's get down to potting. Everyone, enjoy this podcast with Lowe. Oh, Lowe. Okay. Listen to this. So the other night I was like

I'm buying a Prada bag Oh my God Good for you Wait just wait I didn't Oh So I went on the website I picked out this one I loved Of course it was like one of the most expensive ones

But whatever I was like you know what Caitlin You're an adult now You can do this for yourself You should be treating yourself You never do Dancing with the Stars money You could splurge Yeah I should have been like you know

This is your treat for yourself I can never do that because I'm like I don't really care about a purse so it's weird to like justify it anyways so i'm like just pull the train or like we could do this and so i hit check out put in my information click buy and every single time i do it i've tried it on my computer i've tried it on my phone i've tried it days since every time it says there's an error oh that's a sign you shouldn't have the bag that's what i that's what i keep telling myself i'm like is this a sign because it happens every single day like what i'm going to try and do it right now and see

try and buy the bag right now and i want to see like i'm so curious as to what bag you chose usually we do a group tech like i'm not i need to know what bag you're getting quaint like what how am i'm not round this by you i am kind of shocked right now to be honest but you know maybe that's why maybe that's why the world and the universe is doing this because they're like you have to watch this i'll check with you and it'll work i actually work for product e-commerce and i've been blocking that sale just she better freaking reach out to her stylist no I'm so excited to see which bag, though. I love prod of bags.

Did you go with one of the classic, like, vinyl ones that you can, like, spill on and... Oh, I don't know. Oh, because they have, like, that style bag, which is, like, a vinyl material. It's pretty sturdy. Well, okay, I don't know what this material is, but I'm about to show you. I'm just trying to find it. I'm going to die if this works this time. Okay.

Oh, beautiful. Went with the classic crossbody. Yeah. leather gold hardware oh my that's a beautiful bag like the guitar like saddle strap style yeah I feel like it's not too fancy like it's got a little bit of edge I could dress it up I could dress it down I could wear it with freaking casual Sunday leisure suit you don't need me for that like you got that one taking care of let's see if it works ready yeah add to bag proceed to check out how much is this one going to run you I'm so curious on the price um so can I get

I guess the price. Yeah, I guess. All leather, gold hardware, mid-side, like I'd say, not small, medium bag. I'm going to go with $1,700. Nope. $2,400. More. Ooh, really?

$2,900? Really? Should I not do it? No, no. Yeah, it doesn't work. So, there you go. Okay, it was like. Damn.

Yeah, that's a lot. I've never. Oh, my God. Why did I say 1800? Of course, it's leather. But I also think that maybe this is happening because I feel guilty about buying leather. Yeah. Oh, you don't want to slaughter them cows. Yeah. No, I mean, I don't eat them. So why should I wear them? I feel like that's maybe another sign that I would probably feel guilty about.

Yeah. Do they have like a vegan leather? I don't know if I don't think Prada does vegan leather, but they do have their vinyl bag, which I think are still lined in leather. Prada is going to have leather. I don't, I'm pretty sure they're not like a, vegan style company it's like going to fendi it's like they are known for slaughtering animals for fur sick okay I'm not getting the I'm not getting the bag I'm not doing it I'm not doing it do you think Donna wears product I'm so curious where Donna is in the States so do the wait have we started the episode oh yeah yeah we're fine okay I love how you just start going oh this is great okay okay well

Hey, everybody. My name's Loew. Didn't even lube me up. You just freaking just rammed it in and we're going. Sand paper condom. Yeah. No loop. No freaking lube.

So I'm curious where Donna lives. Do the listeners know that like that's your... We should talk about Donna for a hot minute because I know a lot of people get pissed off when I give trolls attention. And I hear you. But a lot of people don't see that I try and respond to so many sweethearts in my DMs to. and I actually have some really lovely conversations in there. I just don't blast them because they're more private and they're intimate and they're nice. Yeah.

So when I get people like Donna, who is an absolute troll. Nightmare. She, you know, sometimes I find it so comical that I have to share it. Like the stuff that comes out of her mouth, I'm like, what is even happening? Come on, Donna. Does she follow me? So she, you know, has over time, over a long time response to every video I post. So she follows me.

She watches every single video. And after every, let me just give you a couple examples here. Yeah, I need some examples. By the way, you, you haven't tried to block Donna before? No, because I actually truly enjoy it. Okay. I truly do enjoy it. Where did Donna go?

I thought maybe you had blocked, because I've blocked some people. I'm like, I just don't have time for that. Bye. I think Donna deleted something here. Have you ever had it happen where your, your messaging? request folder just like i had a ton of message requests and now i only have like 10 but i had like thousands and i'm like what happened to them yes okay so donna deleted her shit that's interesting um yes that happened to me but i don't know but then they appeared again oh okay oh my god you're

upset you're sad that don't you like kind of miss her you're like oh my god donna's gone Well, because she said there was a new Donna in town, and I just believed her. And I thought maybe we were going somewhere from that. You didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye to God. What's the last thing she said to you? Like, die, you bitch. I can't even find the message.

I, wait, I have them in our text because you were sending me some screenshots. Oh, well, every time I do a video, she says, why do you always yell into social media? Why are you always yelling? You're so loud. You're so lazy. you're so obnoxious she said all you do is lay in bed with your dogs and i'm like that that is the last i've so much shit i do every day don't call me lazy and anyway she kept just going and going and going and going so then i just decided to write back because she said my wine tasted like rat sewer piss oh more like a cider

Wow. Like a warm cider. And so I was like, I just must ask how she knows what rat sewer piss tastes like. Yeah. So I did. So I said, just a couple of questions. How do you know what rat sewer piss tastes like? And two, thanks for buying my wine because if you tried it, that means you bought it.

And then she responded and she was like, I actually haven't tried it. And my friends think it's really good. And I was like, is this? Oh, growth. Donna? I was very thrown off. But anyways, I said, can I ask why you follow me if you hate me so much? And she basically said, I don't want you to get away with your behavior.

And I said, which is what? And she said, you're just so cocky and vain. And you yell all the time. And I said, do you think responding to me by calling me rubber face, disgusting, lazy, that I'm obnoxious, annoying. Do you think that's going to change anything about me? And she was like, I hope it does. And we got into this conversation.

We were kind of, it was kind of getting heated for a while. And then I was posting her screenshots on my Instagram, just being like, guys, look at Donna. And Donna goes, do you have a degree? No. You like don't have anything going for yourself kind of thing. And I said, oh, do you have a degree? And she said, yeah, in math. And I said, okay, what do you do with the degree?

Like, what do you do for a job? And she said, I am Donna. Mama Donna, she said. Mama Donna. And I was like, touche. You are Donna. Okay. You sure are.

And then she was like, wow, Donna's getting mean people coming into her DMs. And I said, I like when you talk in the third person. And then that I said, it doesn't feel very nice, does it, Donna? And I said, I tried to keep your name out of it because I actually didn't want to be vindictive and, like, have people get you back. I don't think two wrongs make a right. But apparently people found you. And I said, does that make you think at all about what you're saying to me? And she goes, there's a new Donna in town.

You have poked the bear, woke in the beast. Donna's going to come out guns blazing. I'm like kind of excited to see what Donna comes up with. I'm a little scared of Donna, to be honest. Yeah, well. like if I ran into her ever anywhere and I didn't know like she's someone I would want to steer clear from yeah but see here's the thing that person she's probably PTA she's probably going to church on Sundays yeah bacon cookies she said she's 22 I don't know one Donna that's 22 no that's a dated name it's like being named like Louise yeah that's my name here on filming right now oh really Louise everyone has to have names yeah I love that name like Thelma and Louise. Tatia's Thelma.

Oh, it's cute. Yeah, it is cute. I think that Donna is just a tortured soul, miserable. Because it takes, it takes so much to hate on someone. It's exhausting. But, but she seems to enjoy doing that with you. And I, I don't, I wonder if you're the only one that she attacks on the regular. No, because then Claire, who is one of the last bacheloretts, reaches out.

She goes, tell your Donna. to take a chill pill with me because now she's going after Claire and I was like damn it I thought we like came around with Donna I thought she turned a new leaf she was there's a new Donna in town and she was like no the same Donna is it the new Donna in town freaking hates you yeah oh my god is I mean for the most part would you say I'm curious you get more hate than love oh no no more DMs it no more love more love and I respond it's so hard because I do respond to so many people and I've actually met some really lovely people through responding, but then people like, why do you just respond to trolls? I'm like, no, I actually try not to lately. If I do, I think it's funny. But I'm usually responding to the little sweetie poos in my DMs. Yeah. Therapy. Have you ever been hit hard with something and you're like, whoa, like that crossed the line. I'm

going to hit block. Yes. Yes, I have done that. Okay. Yeah. numerous times. If they really triggering yes or say something that is really inappropriate yeah I'll block and not respond it's the donnas I like to have fun with yeah like we were talking we need to have Donna on the podcast I would love to have her on just because I feel like she has a lot of great insight and um a lot of great insight yeah she's wise she has her degree in math wise beyond her years she is a bristow historian as we like to call it she's been a loyal follower of yours and hating on you for years. So I'm like, why don't you come on down? Have a seat with us, Donna. I don't get, well, I do get some hate. Not that much, but people for me, they always, they just go, it's so easy with me that it's like, that always it f***.

I'm like, really? Yeah, but I'm still sorry you have to hear that because it's all I get. That's, you should not have to be reading that. And, you know, I just get so angry when that's what people can come up with because then you know that they're like probably had such a terrible childhood with not a loving family no acceptance of who they are including to themselves and i actually wanted to talk to you you obviously saw the news about colton coming out oh fresh off the press literally it's like still piping hot on a platter a gay platter yeah i'm i'm just so happy for him obviously yeah of course i will be

happy for anyone to, you know, no matter what point in life for them to come out and to be who they truly are. I'm just obviously going to encourage that. I saw something that Brett Vergara said on his, he said, some thoughts on the Colton Underwood news from today. And it was this thread. And Brett said, first, I'm glad to see Colton more at peace, happy he can live more as his true authentic self. I will always be in support of that. And he couldn't have said it any better. In my opinion, that's exactly how I felt. And he said that doesn't excuse me. He said, that doesn't excuse the abusive, manipulative, and literally illegal stalking behavior he displayed in his past relationship. Again, I totally agree with that. Oh, there's not. Yeah, there's that.

And, you know, Brett used the phrase, hurt people, hurt people. And while context sheds light on the situation, it does not excuse change or minimize that hurt and pain caused by those actions. And we both agree that we hope Cassie feel supported, you know, by her people today too, because she had to go through a lot with Colton. Yeah. I don't know all of the details, but I know it was bad because the restraining order was filed. Yeah. And it got ugly in that way. I mean, that's all public. Yeah, but in regards to him coming out, okay, I will say this. How exciting for the year 2021. Like, I never thought that there would be a day where a guy or female, anyone could come out of the closet. By the way, I hate the idea of even having to come out of the closet. Yeah. I'm just like, really? Like at this point,

like it's like Caitlin being like, I love day. like we know you're straight like you don't have to we get it you know and hopefully at some point coming out this you know that will start to taper off because it doesn't need to be it doesn't have to be a thing such an announcement like you're so brave i'm like but you know i'm hoping the tides will eventually start to turn and i know that colton specifically uh with his demographic uh it's more uh more i guess more conservative and and you know and in the bachelor audience there's a lot of people in the middle of america that are like, I'm not down with the gays, you know, right, you know, but, but I'm like, wow, in 2021, coming out is actually something that now can be celebrated and, and people are like,

oh, really excited for him. And it's not used as like a negative or something to shame him, which I'm like, that's cool. And also like, just from like being in the industry too long, I'm like, PR wise, like kind of great for you, Colton, you know, like, because for a while, I don't think he was in like a really good favorable eye with the public because people were like freaked out by him a little bit, a little bit with the allegations and stuff. I know it was heavy. So I'm like now it's like the gay world embraces you and people are like, you're not creepy or a stalker like you're brave. You're a pillar of hope. Right.

And that's the thing with like he was probably so lost in that time. Absolutely. I think I kind of read or heard that he said, you know, he would pray to not be gay. and, you know, he thought God's way of showing him that he wasn't gay was to put 30 women in front of him and say, look, you can find an engagement, you can find a marriage, you will build a family. Here it is. And he thought, because a lot of people I think were probably like, well, then why did you, like, you know, why did you put all these women through it? But I think he really was, you know, scared. And, and I hate when people, I mean, there's so much speculation around his sexuality, which I think is unfair, because it is up to that person when they are ready to be the, their true authentic self. Oh, and about him even being a virgin was the whole thing. Right.

And I don't like when people are responding being like, well, duh, obviously, this isn't news, you know, because not only is he reading them or seeing them, but so is the community of gay people and they're reading that. And that is just showing still that this world is like, homophobic. Yeah, homophobic and dismissing somebody's feelings who, you know, has probably just strong. wruggled their whole life and been told by, you know, I know, I'm not going to blame his dad, but I know his dad was very much like, you play sports, you do this, like, and I know Colton always was in football and trying to portray this, you know, person. So, um, I get it. When he shares his sexuality, um, you know, I think it's, I like to see people supporting him. Hell, yeah. And I like what he said about like hurt people, hurt people. And it does give a little bit of context of being like,

because I even know that he was he had gone on a date with one of my girlfriends and this was like a public little thing yeah he went on a date with like Lucy and I remember the paparazzi were called or whatever it was like in the tabloids and but I think that doing those type of things it was just to keep that image of being a straight male and keep that narrative going and maybe that's why I mean it's terrible what happened to Cassie of course their relationship and stuff but again it gives a little understanding into like someone who's just battling these demons I mean at one point he said he didn't even want to live anymore and my heart broke I was like oh my god because I've I've actually been there so I get it come I was like same Colton like I hear you yeah um and it sucks so now he's in Colorado and he's living his you know true best self and yeah and I think he just dropped a Netflix show or something like that um yeah surprise what is it coming out with Colton now I I have no idea what it's called, but that would be a great name. But I saw on TMZ that he is going to be doing a show.

He's been doing, I think it comes out, I'm sure, relatively soon, which will be good to watch. I mean, that's cool to, like, open up and it's not an easy thing. I think it's even harder because he's like 31. Like, he's a young guy. Oh, my God, doing it. He is young. And I think the two takeaways I thought from this was we all need to celebrate him and make him feel obviously like he like I want him to think wow I'm so glad I have this support

system and so many people behind me that like can see my true self now but I also think people should check on Cassie and know that it's probably you know it's hard to give context to what he did and forgive it because he really he really scared her you know she was she was not okay so yeah that's that's my two cents I get it yeah my heart goes out to Cassie Yeah, me too. I'm going to message her later and just see how she's doing. This is Austin Vine. Grape therapy.

Okay, so Lo, you said you had a bunch of funny listener submitted confessions and or, quote, unquote, lowest moments to go over. So tell me about them. Okay. All right. So a lot of them had to do with shitting themselves. Amazing. Yeah. I love, by the way, it made me feel.

like reading these confessions they did them on instagram submitted them through the question and answer thing oh yeah put up and i just realized there's a a large community a lot of uh vinos if you will and low lifers who who shit themselves regularly being in the streets soaking their own in their own pants yeah just sitting in feces that's where i was like species I said species species that's what I was pointing there were hundreds and in reading them I'm like wow like this feels like a safe place this is you know it made it the new normal it's okay to shit yourself yeah never TMI with love yeah exactly and I think that it's kind of cool too that oh interesting that when we talk about embarrassing moments or something that you want to confess most people I'd say like 80% go right to shitting myself or something with bodily fluids most of the time. It's so funny because it was such shock value when I first started the podcast. And now people are like, well, yeah, classic shit in your pants story.

Exactly. All right. So I'm not saying the names because these people would rather stay anonymous. Absolutely. Feel that. Here we go. First one up. Okay, so I blacked out and sleptwalk to the kitchen and opened the fridge and I peed in the bottom drawer of the fridge.

I came to mid-pee. I lived with roommates in college, and I was too embarrassed to tell them what I did. So I thoroughly washed their fruit and their bag salads and whatever else was in there. I threw away a couple things hoping no one would notice. But the majority of it, I put back in the bottom drawer. Please don't share my Instagram handle. The produce was wet in the drawer. Okay.

Well, we got to rate things. That's pretty nasty. Like, I would have just thrown it out and just said like something spilled, you know, like. Yeah, like start a GoFund me just for $10 to go get them some new bananas. Some carrots. Come on. Yeah. That's freaking nasty.

I want to raise these. Should we do a scale? So like one could be, let's think, an embarrassing moment in pop culture. How about one is John Travolta, Adina Manzell. Do you remember when he announced her, I believe it was at the Oscars? So he announces Adina Manzell, I believe at the Oscars, her performance. And I mean, he made fun of himself for it, but he just butchered her name. And, like, they just went along with it.

And then they, like, were like, and pan to Adina. But here's John Travolta announcing Adina. They will always be a special place in my heart for the movie musical. And for the songs that create their most memorable moments. Here to perform the Oscar-nominated, gorgeously empowering song, Let It Go from the Oscar-winning animated movie Frozen. Please welcome the wickedly talented one and only Adela Zine. the wickedly talented madame i say yeah

you know he just saw it on the prompter and he's like who you know like i just messed up that one man john travolta but i love that he like jokes about it now but that was like and even in her performance she's like like thank you um okay so i guess that would be a one Because that's like embarrassing, but you can laugh about it yourself. There's not too much shame. And then a 10 should we do like like furgy pissing herself on stage? I still think that's only a five. Wow.

Okay. Like Beyonce falling down the stairs to me as a 10. Oh, that's a 10. Or when she got her hair caught in the fan. Did you ever see that? Yes. I had like sweat. I was so anxious watching that because she's singing like, you know,

hey the hell and just oh oh and she's just one of those and you can tell but she she constantly performed like she kept singing and like as she's like cutting her hair like trying to entangle it out of a fan like she's an she's a trooper okay so we'll say bioncée taking a tumble slash getting hair caught in a fan did you see madonna getting her her cape ripped or she was wearing a cape on stage and they pulled the cape and she went flying with it did you ever see that No. Damn it, Caitlin. We could post all of the things that we said are like, that's the scale we're going off.

Yeah. Okay. Well, wait, we got to scale that one. I mean, peeing in the middle of the night in a fruit crisper. What is that thing? Yeah, I think it's called the crisper drawer. Yeah, the crisper drawer on bagged salads. Okay, fine.

Clean that up. That's fine. But the produce, peeing on the produce and washing it thoroughly. I mean, I'm sure, let's think about how many people handle. produce before it actually gets on there. Like, you should thoroughly wash it anyways. So that's crazy. I'm going to give that like a six and a half.

Oh, wow. Yeah, for just sanitary reasons. Right. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. She was disgusted. He is sterile. Oh, thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. So pee is sterile. So maybe we should have pee on our produce. Wait. Actually, that kind of gives me more peace of mind because I remember dating a guy who wanted to pee on me all the time and I was like I don't feel like that like I don't I don't feel like it today I don't feel like you pissing on me all the time like why do you keep doing that you know

seems like such a like effort after to clean up yeah well he would like to do it like in the shower and stuff but then he was like well at one point he's like well it'd be fun if we didn't do it in the shower we could do it like in bed and I'm like oh are you kidding like I have a casper mattress I'm not about to sacrifice for your freaking and who knows if you had asparagus like get out of here with your stinky pee so anyway I wasn't about it and then he said oh no I have a bed cover that I would give you for I'm like oh what like this is a thing for you oh yeah at that point I was out I was like no I'm not gonna yuck somebody's yum okay if there's people out there who like to pee I've learned that up you know I got shame for role playing and well I've

I didn't understand it. So I got a sex therapist to talk me through it. And now I get it. So if other people like peeing on each other, I'm here to say that there's no judgment. I just good for you. It's not for me. Yeah. I don't mind.

And just for the listeners out there, I don't mind getting pissed on either. I prefer it just in the shower, I guess. If you're going to do it, you know, can I could wash myself up and not throw up. Yeah. You're listening to Off the Vine Race Therapy. So when I first started dating my boyfriend, he was visiting me at my apartment and I had to take a poop so badly, but I didn't want him to know. So I proceeded to take a shower and I shit in the shower thinking it would just wash down the drain and it wouldn't. So I proceeded to stomp it down the drain so he wouldn't know that I shit in the shower.

I regret nothing she says Oh she doubled down I regret it and then I shit in a sink Like I added that part Okay Shitting in a shower Why not just say you're going to have a shower

Run the water Poop flush while you're pooping And then get in the shower And use all of the delicious soaps To make it smell nice in there And Yeah What?

Why? Are you stomping on your own shit in the freaking shower that's probably going to linger more than if you flushed it down a toilet? Yeah, it's pretty freaking gross if you ask me. See, now we need a rate where it's like gross or embarrassing. Should we just, should we just make the rating system like maybe not an embarrassment, but maybe just like on like the level of the confession? The level of shame. Yeah. Oh, this is the shame meter.

Yes, the shame meter. Ten being shitting in a shower and stomping it through. There we go. Okay. Oh, this is one. Oh, this is. Oh, well, okay. Here we go.

Oh, gosh. My older sister and I have always had a rocky relationship. It's been pretty strained since we were teenagers. We're about three years. We're about. She's not sure. We're about three years apart, but we've gotten close in the last year. So when it came time to planning her wedding, it was really special that she asked me to be her made of honor.

I fully expected her to pick one of her best friends or one of her sorority sisters. She doesn't know this, and I'm so scared to say it, but I've actually slept with her fiancé. Oh. Oh. It was in college before they even met, but it wasn't that long ago. I mean, within the last five years. He told me that I shouldn't say anything, but I'm torn and the wedding is in two weeks. Well, there's that.

Okay. Natalie and San Diego. What? All I'm forced to think here is what would Donna do? What would, oh, yeah. What would Donna do? WWDDD. Seriously, what would you do?

I'd have to tell. You would? Yeah. I don't know if I'd do it two weeks before a wedding, though. I know. That's the thing. I would have done it earlier. Yeah, or way earlier. Like, as soon as you met the guy, I mean, knew who it was.

Yeah. Oh, but now she's in a real weird position because the wedding's coming up. See, I still think you have to say something. Well, yeah. Why didn't it work out for those two? Yeah, I need some backstory. I always need more of a backstory. Maybe it was more of like a fling.

That's what it sounds like, like a college type. fling yeah yeah oh i would have had to get that off my chest within five minutes yeah oh this is a tough one but or at least two to three business days would you okay let's put it this way you and jason are about to get married two weeks until you hit that freaking catwalk runway and then your sister comes to you and said she slept with jason i would fcky lose my mind i would hate both of them but she she slept with him while you were doing dance and I'm kidding. She slept with him.

No, she did that. Let's say before you even met him and she had a fling with him before. Then I'd be like, why the fuck is the guy I'm marrying, holding this from me? What else is he holding from me? Wow. Well, I think this listener just got her answer because we saw how Caitlin would react. Uh-oh. I mean, I forgive you.

Yeah. I think, well, it's a tough one, but I think honesty is the best policy. I'm just wondering if she should say it after the wedding because now it's like two weeks As her bridesmaid speech That's the thing Do you suggest that she do it before? It's two weeks

You know like I'm thinking about a bride I've worked with so many brides They're so stressed And then you're going to drop a bomb on someone like that I almost think Because I don't in my head I'm like it wouldn't be a deal breaker would it? It would for me.

Oh wow really. Yeah because like I said if it was just a random fling. Yeah, because if it was just a random fling, why wouldn't you just say that off the bat? If you're like, oh, my God, I have to tell you this, but your sister or the guy that you're into right now, like, say it right off the bat because then it could be something that you can get over. If you hold onto it until two weeks before the wedding, that's a doozy. Yeah, I think she was holding on to it because she said, like, my sister and I have had our ups and down. So maybe she was just trying to, you know.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm going to give her a seven. Okay. That's a seven for me. It's an average. 70% C average. And yeah. And I think with that one, good luck and I think save it for after the wedding. Yeah. Let them handle that on the honeymoon. That'll eat. I mean, there's some ups and downs. That will be a down for sure. But maybe you'll get back up. All right. Here we go. Next one. My husband, then boyfriend and I got hammered at a wedding and then proceeded to get blacked out at the after party. For some reason, in our Uber history said we took two Uber's home, no clue why. Our roommates were out of town at their destination wedding

and the next morning I woke up to get some water and to my horrific astonishment I saw that we had opened all of their wedding presents. Oh, this is all about weddings. A week later we were kindly asked to move out so they could start their lives as a married couple. What?

Wait, you were kindly asked? I would have been like, get the fuck out. You get out of here. Yeah, I would too. That's not cool. I mean, when you're blackout, you just don't even know what you're doing. So that's like, I forgive you,

but also rewrap them the next morning. Yeah. You know, go out of your way to rewrap all those. Or did you steal any? Like, what happened? Oh, oh, that's about, yeah, a nine. Wow. You put that one.

above sleeping with your sisters. Okay, we see where she's at. I worked at Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop in high school, early college. One day I wasn't feeling super well, and I trusted a fart as I bent down as I bent down to fill the mop bucket. And to my surprise, more than a toot came out. Instant regret. To make it even better, our work uniforms included khaki shorts.

So midsummer rush hour at an ice cream shop, I had pooped my khaki shorts and had to rush home to change in the middle of my ship. Gacky shorts. I love Baskin Robbins. I know. Oh, she sounds so cute. She does so cute. They're little shitty shorts.

I get in my 1992 Janky Ford Explorer, whose AC did not work, and only one window rolled down, and I had to sit in my own poop in hot leather, covered in ice cream and fudge syrup. I drove home in the heat of Tennessee summer and my own stink to change my ship pants. I tried to play it cool. I need to stop. light while I sat there silently dying on the inside and she writes at the end I was 18 when this happened when this tragic so exo gossip girl um wow the khaki shorts really got me

because I just pictured her in her little baskin robin's like what's visor and shirt and her little khaki shorts like trust in a little tutte that sucks I never trust tuts I've learned that You can't. You can't. You can't. Absolutely not. I actually, I actually had a workout this morning with my trainer over FaceTime. And I was like, well, what are these comfy pants today? Like a little crop top in these comfy pants. And when we do our warmups, my butt's kind of in his face for a hot second when I'm like bending over doing like, you know, touching my heels and going and I'm like doing this walk and stretch. And when I was walking out, one of the handlers that was walking me back to my room said, you know, big. a hole in your butt. And I was like, that's fucking great. Oh. So there's that. There's that.

Yeah. Are you comfortable tooting in front of Jason? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Really? Yeah. That's so weird. It's.

I'm glad. I'm happy for you that you guys have. I'm happy for you. Yeah. You guys. No. Because you'll full blown like Jason will be working on emails while you're taking a shit.

Like you're just, I just, I know. Come on in, babe. I know. should leave some to the imagination, but like, I won't do it like every day all day. But if one slips, I'm not mad. When I, I actually love how open you are though, because when I was living with you for a few months with dancing with the stars and you'd go to the bathroom and I, I didn't know you were in there. And I'm like, oh, my bad. You're like, come on in. Like, come on in, baby. I'm like, I'm good. You're like, what do you need? Hey, mi Casa is su casa. I'm like, you're like,

shitting, but come talk to me. I missed you. I'm like, the definition of a woman who thinks her shit don't stink. And actually, your shit really don't stink. No, you know, it's weird. It's since COVID, my poops don't smell. Wow. Well, to you or just in general? That's a good question. Well, there's that. Okay. That's a great question, actually. What are we going to rate shitty khaki shorts? Well, you, you rate this one. I'm going to get that one of five. Okay. I'm going to give it a five because it's embarrassing, but you know what? No one had to really see it.

She's just sat in her own filth. Yeah. And that's that. Yeah. And it's, wait, we're doing shame. This is a shame. Oh, yeah. So shame wise.

Okay. I'm going to give a couple points up. I'm going to go with a 7.5 and shame. Yeah, I'd bump it up to a 7.5 on the shame scale just because she had to sit in it for so long. Yeah. Plus, I'm sure at least one person saw it at Baskin Robbins. You know. Maybe they thought it was chocolate ice cream.

Yeah. Do you know what Baskin? Are you familiar with that place? Yeah, of course. Okay. I didn't know if they had in Canada. I don't think they do, but I know it's ice cream. Do you have Coldstone in Canada? No. Oh. Oh, I think they do now. Actually, yes, they do now. I got a condom stuck in me from the guy and the guy getting it out. Couldn't so he used a flashlight to get it out. I was really embarrassed. I mean, a flash. One thing I would never want close to that is a guy's eyes with a flashlight.

Yeah. No matter how, no matter how proud you are of your little flower down there, I just, that's like, that's just like straight up at the doctor's office when they have neon lights and he always makes you scooch closer. You just scooch a little closer for me. Oh my God. I hate that. I say I hate that. Like I hate when I have to do that. That sucks. You hate that for us. Yeah. That's the worst. I do. Why wouldn't you just fish it out yourself? Yeah. Peat it out. Mm-hmm.

I'm going to go with on the show. I'm going to get, that's like a four. I don't think that's a, that's a, that's not that bad. If you're close with the purse, comfortable with your partner, it's not too bad. Bought Garth Brooks tickets on my ex's credit card, linked to my PayPal, never told him. Okay. How much were they? Did you go row one, VIP, backstage, meet and greet?

If you're going to do it, you got to do it up right. I hope she did the right, you know, really got the backstage passes. I'll give that a two, though, if she did. It was just like the nosebleed section And they were like 40 bucks Yep In college my roommate made me mad And I scrubbed the toilet with her toothbrush

She never knew Oh sick The classic scrubbing the toothbrush On the toilet Is that a thing? Yeah I've seen it in so many like movies Like that's how you get someone back Oh yeah

I mean that's that's an eight for me Yeah it's foul Because you can end up getting someone E. coli Which is interesting though because I'll never forget Oprah saying that a kitchen sink is actually dirtier than your toilet. Oh, if Oprah said it, then I believe it. I know. So really. So really.

So next time scrub it in the sink, not the toilet. Yeah. Had sex with my boyfriend in my boss's bathroom on Easter Sunday. The part that gets me is on Easter Sunday. And she did like the church emoji with like water like splashing like wet. oh my gosh wait that's easter sunday at her boss is that's funny that's a 10 because you're going to hell yeah that is a 10 that's straight up enjoy burning inhale yeah imagine someone walked in on that okay and oh wait i have one more okay one night blacked out ended up peeing on my friend's bed

with her next to me in the bed too in there have you yeah that did happen to me one time you pissed on your friend yeah I don't even think she noticed actually she got up and went to like the gym and I just bundled everything up and threw it in the wash she wasn't a good friend no I don't know why he was even sleeping in the same bed I think we're just like watching a movie and I passed out I don't know yeah yeah so I give that a two give it a two it's not too bad we've all been there yeah we've all been there yeah who has a feed on their friend those confessions were unbelievable you guys never disappoint and we are going to continue on part two next week with Lowe's confession, which I will say

I've never laughed that hard in my whole life. I had to stop myself from laughing or I was going to throw up. So that's how good it was. You will have to tune in for that next Thursday. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday, exclusively on Podcast One.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV?