Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Messages to Our Younger Selves with Becca Tilley

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

We’ve got a real nail biter for you this week, Vinos… literally! Becca Tilley joins Kaitlyn with her mini mic in hand to unpack society’s box that people want us to fit into and then shove it up their a$$. Yep, that’s right. This is a judgment free zone, and Becca and Kaitlyn go there. Where exactly? They go all the way from Kaitlyn’s toenail fungus and makeup hacks to Becca’s views on religion and life in and out of the spotlight with Hayley. Nothing is off the table today, including Phoebe, who is sitting on Becca’s desk the entire podcast. KB & Becca address their relationship “icks” as that seems to be a point of contention for the internet, and Becca admits a level 1 confession that she has been holding onto for almost 20 years. Plus, so much juicy (and somewhat concerning) behind the scenes intel from Bachelor filming! HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.   STARBUCKS - STARBUCKS BAYA Energy drink is available online, at grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide. CARAWAY HOME - Visit Carawayhome.com/VINE to get 10% off your next purchase.  PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. APARTMENTS.COM - The place to find a place. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Wine Lost the Day. It's time for Off the Vine, grape therapy. Welcome to your weekly session. Caitlin and friends. are here to share unfiltered advice, lots of laughs, and some major breakthroughs. So put your feet up, pop a cork, and get ready for some grape therapy.

Welcome to Grape Therapy. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow, sitting down for a little therapy session with none other than Miss Becca Tilly. I literally thought you got one. I was like, oh, me. I literally was like, she got the mini mic. Just me over here with my charger just wanting to, it feels cool. Like, I just feel cool holding a little mini thing that like, yeah, a lot on. Well, I was just saying for travel, if you don't feel like taking your big microphone,

synopsion. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm actually mad at myself. So I went to the mall yesterday to try and find something to use as a microphone for podcasting. And in Saskatoon, where I am right now, which I feel like nobody who lives in America knows what Saskatoon is. What? That's in America? Where are you? Oh, it's in Canada. It's in Saskatchewan and it's called Saskatoon and they don't take American Express and that was the only card I brought to the mall. And so I was like, well, I guess I'm just going to use my AirPods and hope for the best here. You sound good. Sound crystal clear.

Not as clear as I'm going to sound, but not as clear as you with the mini mic. Also, there's a place that's like, I don't know how far it is from Saskatoon, but it's called Regina. Saskatoon and Regina just side by side? Side by side. I need to go to Canada. Actually, you know, I really want to go to. Is it Lake Louise? Is that Lake Louise?

Yes, that's Lake Louise is in Alberta. I grew up three hours from Lake Louise. Oh, my God. It looks like, it doesn't even look real the colors. And I can never tell if people are just editing them to look that way, but it looks really blue. It's like that. It's really blue. It's gorgeous.

And I used to have dance competitions there sometimes. And I always took it for granted because I was like, oh, I'd go there on the weekends. And now I'm like, oh, my gosh, it is one of the most beautiful places. They went there on Sean Lowe's season of The Bachelor. That's where Sean and Catherine fell in love on their, like, skiing, snowboarding date. Oh, you know, I didn't watch The Bachelor before I was on The Bachelor, but I do remember Elon talking about their date and how they fell in love. And it was cold. I don't remember. I didn't remember that. You didn't watch the show before you came on it. Why don't I remember that? I don't know if I've ever, like, talked about it. I think I always tell people because, you know, people will come up and they'll find out I was on The Bachelor. And then they're like, oh, I've never watched it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm like, oh, don't apologize. Like, I'm not offended by the fact that you've never watched it.

I actually didn't watch it before I was on it, so. People always think I'm going to get offended if they don't know who I am. I'm like, imagine the level of narcissism I would have to have to be offended. If you didn't know who I was, I was like, it's totally fine. I'm like, please don't waste your apologies on not watching The Bachelor. Save those up for a good different day. Stuff your sorries in a sack, bro. I don't need them.

You're like glowing right now. I am. Yeah. Yeah, your skin's, like, perfect. It's two things. Actually, it's three things. Okay, one, I just got a spray tan. Two, I just finished a pill walking for 40 minutes, so it's a little bit of dry sweat.

It's working. And three, I was watching a TikTok while I was on the treadmill, and it gave me a little 10-second tip on how to contour if you're in a rush. And so I did it. And it was just, I mean, it's basically the same contour that anyone and everyone. does but I just like used a contour stick and I just went roo roo roo roo roo roo and then I just blended it all in and then sat in front of the open window it's working and you know I always like when I think about you and being on The Bachelor with you I always think about you I have such vivid memories of you with the makeup light and you like telling me a serious story of something

that went down with other girls or with Chris and you're like Becca you would not believe what happened and you're like just using the makeup white i have such a vivid memory of this and then watching you apply your makeup it's so weird your eyebrows like i have these really and using the uh bobby pin to separate your lashes oh my gosh yes that i did i would rip off the little like rubber ends of the bobby pin and then separate my eyelashes with it but i didn't even know i did like i'm trying to think of what i did for makeup when i was on the bachelor because i feel like now women go on and everyone knows how to do their makeup like everyone looks so good and contoured and like their brows are all fluffy and full and I look at my little spermy

brows from when I was on and I didn't even realize I colored my eyebrows in like when you saying that I'm like I did that because all I remember is like like I don't even know how did I apply it with my hands I just feel like I like slapped on and then like did some eyelashes it was like a Mac it was like a Mac like a face and body yeah He's Mac face and body. Yes, I remember. Oh, I was addicted to that stuff. Yeah.

That's so funny. I know it's funny, like, what sticks with you, but I just always think about, that's like when you talk about makeup or I picture you doing makeup, I have like a very crystal clear image of it. Actually, I remember you and I doing our makeup together in that one, it was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, because we shared a room and we went to the bathroom to do our makeup, and I wore fake lashes for the first time and I was like, should I wear fake lashes? And I said to you, I just feel like I'm going to a dance competition because I always

wear fake eyelashes at dance competitions and you're like, damn it. And so I did fake lashes for the first time there. Oh my gosh, that memory just, I just unlocked that. I loved that place we stayed in Santa Fe. Like, I have the best memories of that. I also have a very disgusting memory of that place. Oh. Which I hope you don't remember this.

I'm actually, it haunts me a little bit. this could actually be a good confession because it was me, you, a couple of the producers, I think it was Todd and Ilan, and I was sitting there, and I was a little intoxicated, and I had, like, remember I lost a toenail? No, good, I'm glad you don't remember this. I'm glad you don't remember this. I don't know how, but I, like, how to, like, rotten toenail that had finally, like, grown back that I grew up back for the show.

And I was, like, so happy it had come back. And one night I was, like, a little intoxicated. And you know if you're, like, a little buzzed up, sometimes you, like, rip off your nails or you, like, pick it something. You're looking at me like, you don't. Do you do that? No, but I do feel like there's some also anxiety associated with that, which I've heard. So maybe the alcohol and the stress of the show. The stress of the show.

And I looked down at my toenail and I had picked the nail polish off. and I saw that it was still like you know when you can tell something can just be peeled away and it like I don't know how to explain this like the nail looked like it was lifted like I could just like I'm gonna pass out I know it's disgusting and I sat and I think I think I even at one point just quickly went down and went ripped with my mouth and then I just kept picking that toenail and it was gone when I woke up I was like no and I had no toenail and I had no toenail for the rest of the show oh i'm so glad you don't remember that well i'm glad you refresh my memory but you don't remember that right i don't have a memory of okay okay it was after whitney got the rose in santa fe and we're all back in that like it felt like a little cabin that we were staying in yeah i like how i can visualize this part but i don't remember you with the toneout. And also, maybe I wiped it from my memory if I saw you bite it off. I don't know. I'm sorry for refreshing. But also that was the night we went to bed and like two hours later,

Crystal's woke us up in the middle of the night. Remember that? And we're like, why are cameras in here? And then all of a sudden, like, Chris was like in the middle of our bed and we're like, what are you doing? Yes, because he took Britt on a hot air balloon ride. I remember. And he like woke us all up before. I was like, man I tune my sleep what happens if I like had let one go and then all of a sudden him and camera cruiser in there like and we're just like morning breath and like I know it's vulnerable Dutch ovens yeah it was very vulnerable were you Dutch ovening me without me knowing I probably did wow I'm really disgusting right now in this I'm just like peacefully trying to get some sleep with you know the girl that's also dating the guy that I'm dating and she's just farting on

I'm picking, biting my toenails and farting. Why, how, the fact that I actually am, like, engaged to a good-looking man is beyond me. Well, you've been engaged multiple times to good-looking men, so there's, something's working. I always laugh because everyone's like, whoa, like, Caitlin won, and what's Britt doing? I'm like, well, she's married with a baby, so who really won? Like, she's got what I'm going for. So here we are. I know.

I'm so happy for her. She's, I think, either has her second baby or is pregnant with her second baby. But it's fun watching everyone that we were on the show with, like, what they're doing now. It's just so cute seeing her, like, as a mom and with the guy that she's with is the guy that she, like, was in love with before coming on the show. So I remember having a conversation with her and she told me about him. And then I was so happy for her because she was madly in love. with him and I know it was really hard when they broke up and then she went back. I feel like that happens for a lot of people. Like it's almost like they go and they do their own thing and kind of

give themselves a chance to move on and then sometimes it works out with the person that they you know, ultimately were wanting to be with. I love a good comeback story. I always want that for my parents. Another confession? You're just on a role. I am on a roll. Also, I just looked. She unfollowed everybody from bachelor she she doesn't follow one person that i follow oh whoa yeah so maybe that was just like some maybe that was just a time in her life that was really hard for her and she needs to forget about it and i respect that yeah i do too i someone unfollowing me doesn't sometimes i'll be like what did i say or do what did i do but also sometimes it's like if you don't have a if you don't care about what someone else is doing and also like you're not in touch with them on a regular

basis. I get it. I just always worry that I'm going to unfollow someone and then see them in person. It's going to be like, oh, you don't know this curse about me? This happens to me. Wait, I thought this happens to me too. It's a thing. It must be something. I don't know how it's, I mean, without fail, if I unfollow someone, I will see them like within the month. Me too. And it'll be someone that I haven't seen or talked to in years. Yes. Yes. And then I I'll see them and I'm like, you don't know if they know or not. So you're like, do you care or maybe like, did you, like, maybe they saw that you unfollow them and then they're like, oh, thank God, I can unfollow them back.

I know. So I hope that's more of the reaction where it's like we were both waiting and one of us took the lead. But I'm the same way. It always happens. And so I'm always hesitant. Like I typically, if someone's posting and they're just not someone I particularly, and care about keeping up to date with them.

And since Instagram only shows me, like, 10 people max, I will either, I'll just, like, mute them because I just get worried about seeing them in person if I unfollow them. I know. I know. It's such a stupid fear, but I'm like, I swear it's like the universe is laughing at me. Every time I unfollow someone, they're like, I'm going to put them in front of your face. Yeah. Like, you're not only going to, you're not going to see them behind the screen.

but you're going to see them in person and you're going to figure out like I'm talking one time it was like a guy that used to play hockey with an ex-ex boyfriend of mine who I didn't talk to you for like years we didn't even live in the same country and I unfollowed him and then he was at the airport the Toronto airport getting his luggage by me and I was like you this okay this is just stupid he probably he probably knew he probably knew he probably knew you unfollow. For sure, he did. I think this was even, this was right when I came off the show. I remember being in Toronto and I remember being like, there's no way that's him. There's no way that's him. And I got closer and I was like, that's him. Oh my gosh. I, of course. I just unfollowed him. Okay. So I'm really excited about this next sponsor because even though I travel a lot, which involves a lot of takeout, going out to eat. I really do look forward to cooking when I'm home. I love it. I just love being in the kitchen, making a good meal for me and Jay, watching tea. chop in a way. So Carraway Home has made my nights in the kitchen just so much better with their non-toxic cookware and bakeware collections. And all of their non-toxic kitchen products are designed

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Starbucks Buy a Energy Drink is available online at grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide. actually i had a question for you i know i was just on your podcast so we talked about like all the things but because you were keeping your relationship private but like you're some of your listeners knew or like your friends obviously knew but i feel like everybody respected your privacy so much and like allowed it for it to be your story in your time to tell but in your like tagged photos on instagram did people like trying out you guys no i mean i don't think that ever happened i know it was i and i didn't realize i mean i've always known that but it's been four years so it was always like you know so many people knew and especially close friends and didn't out and then like even

people who were in the like journalism world and i would have like conversations with them about you know my girlfriend haley but we're we're private and they all were respectful and that's so nice actually rebel wilson she just came out with her girlfriend but i was reading that she was basically like blackmailed and they were like the like news outlet was going to out her and she was like did it on her own terms and i was thinking like how horrible to have that pressure of having to share something so vulnerable that maybe even if she just didn't want to have a public relationship regardless of if it was a woman or not like to have that pressure to have to get on top of it so that it's you that's getting to do it i'm i'm so happy i never had to

deal with that obviously she's a celebrity and like on a much bigger scale and that's something that i really don't take for granted and i'll always be so appreciative of because i really had to be ready to go public and be prepared to handle people who didn't agree or had an opinion about it and so when i decided i was like oh i'm actually i'm i'm ready for this and I'm ready regardless of what the reaction was. And fortunately, the reaction was pretty much all positive. And on top, you know, there's always a few here and there. But yeah, yeah, it was really cool. And I was, I will always be grateful to people for giving me that. Yeah, I thought that was, because I was thinking about that. I mean, I remember you telling me a couple of years ago,

I don't even remember when it was. And I was like, that is so nice that you get to like, keep that to yourself, go through, like, the privacy of a relationship, because no matter what scale you're on, no matter if you're, like, super famous or recognizable, like, people are always so invested in people's relationships that it's nice to have that, like, privacy to yourselves to also, like, you know, get the, not the confidence to share your relationship, the confidence in your relationship to feel, like, secure enough and safe enough. And, like, even, like, you said earlier, It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. Like I feel like I shared my, I shared my relationship so fast with Jason and I was like, ooh, I could have like had that to myself for a little bit longer because then you like have that confidence of feeling like this is actually my person and I'm ready to share that with the world and not have that outside pressure and other people's opinions while you're growing as a couple because you go through so many phases as a couple to then be able to go through that without the pressure of everybody else and then share.

it must feel so nice. Yeah, it really isn't. And I mean, I don't know. I think the fact that it was my first relationship with a woman definitely made me feel like even more protective of it because not only was I wanting to protect the, I think later on, like after a couple of years, the decision to keep it private was more like it's ours. It feels like we're protecting our relationship. But the first couple of years, to be honest, I was protecting myself because I was a

navigating things and like navigating the process and I definitely know that I live in a bubble in L.A. You know, it's very much like people are open and we don't really have to worry about like I guess homophobia in a direct sense. I mean, people online obviously have their opinions but that's just noise. Yeah. But I think me being from a being from the South and being growing up like conservative and Christian. I was navigating a lot on my own. So I think on top of protecting the relationship and not wanting to have outsiders' opinions, it was like, I had to like really protect my heart. And I was like on a therapy for the first time. So it was just a lot. And Haley was so patient and willing to like understand my side. And it was such a beautiful example of love that

she gave me. And that was because she's very proud and open about who she is. And, And I admire her so much for that because she's very much like, take it or leave it. Like, this is who I am. And I'm always been like a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. I want everyone to be happy with me. And I still hold on to that a little bit. But I also know if they don't like me, it's not my responsibility. You know, and I feel really grateful for that. And I think sometimes when you go public and like you did sooner, it's like you're almost like forced to figure things out. Yeah. It is complicated, but every relationship has those complications. And I think it's, it's important to acknowledge, like, not everything's perfect. Just because we were in private, we still had our hardships. They just were ours, you know. Yeah, that's, I mean, and then I get myself in trouble for speaking about my hardships because when I was on your podcast, my gosh,

I'm like, it was like, what gives you the ick about Jason? And I'm like, gosh, you know, like, he could say so many things about me and I could say so many things about him because we been in a relationship for four years and so easy to like say like oh the things we love are the things that give us the ick and oh my gosh the hate that i got you bully jason and you're so mean to him and i was like wait what i was just saying the thing that gives me the ick i love so many things about him and there's you know it was just i'm sometimes too open but i'm you and i talked about this and i obviously asked the question and like it was like funny and fun and i also felt like on the flip side you were self deprecating like I'm a monster when I'm on my

period and when I'm going through stuff and he has to deal with a lot I didn't feel like it was like you bashing and I say that with quotes because I felt like it was a funny conversation about like obviously all of we're all with people who do things that maybe were like uh you know but yeah I I actually think it could have even been the same person who has like 10 different control accounts who like could have just been that one person sending me like so many hate messages so I like didn't help that I'm like I'm recognizing that I think I have PMDD and I'm going to like this incredible specialist on August 2nd I cannot wait to like figure out my hormones and do something about this and like even just like put a name on that to say like hey this is

what it is and like here's tools that I can do to help it like whatever I got I got sidetrack to you're circling back to you but um yeah you do your relationship just goes through hardships and it's so hard to on social media it's so hard because you don't want to overshare like problems or hardships because you're like do people even want to hear about those but you also want to be a real human being and put it out there that like relationships aren't perfect but you've probably navigated so much in those four years of being with haley that you're like we're in a good place and now people can see like I'm like more, more content.

Just even the two of you, like, just doing you a little dancing and, like, certain things. I'm like, I love seeing you both so happy and, like, all of my vinos got so excited when they heard you're coming on the podcast. They're like, we want more back on the content. Like, oh, my gosh, everyone's so excited. But I wanted to also ask you from growing up, like, conservative and in that way, I'm more private and a people pleaser. was it that you just grew, like, as a person in therapy and realize it's not your responsibility what other people think of you? Like, what advice would you give? Because I bet there's so many people out there who are feeling either shame or too scared or, like, you know, with faith

and everything. I know you've talked about that. What is your advice to people for that? I don't, I'm still, like, really in the middle of a lot of my, like, growth and unlearning and learning and I posted something yesterday talking about like the challenges of navigating my faith and I've never talked about it because I've always been very vocal about my faith but I and I just I hesitate because I don't want to put all Christians lump together with some with people who have been bad examples of Christians but I do think there is a standard when you you know claim that title and who you're representing who which is God and Jesus like you're in in that whole the whole foundation of Christianity is love like loving God loving people so you know a lot of people

responded and they were like well that's why you have to focus on your your personal relationship with Jesus and God and I'm like absolutely but I know that like I grew up in that world I've experienced God's love like I know the peace that comes with having a relationship with God. But what if someone who's never had that experience with God comes in contact with a Christian who is misrepresenting who he is? And that's their only example of what that looks like. Yeah. Like Christians have to be held to a certain standard because people are like, well, there's horrible people that aren't Christians. And I'm like, yeah, but they don't claim to follow a religion that's based on love. Like when you make that decision, you're going to be held accountable.

You should be held accountable. So I'm really navigating that part of it. Like, I'm, I've never been more, I've honestly never had a closer relationship with God than I have the past four years when I've like really searched and like gone through this. But I think a lot of people, and I always thought this growing up, which was when people try to think for themselves when it comes to religion and Christianity specifically, because that's what I'm speaking on, I always thought, well, this is the easy way out so that you can. do what you want to do and make it about what you want. And it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Yeah. And I just, I think it's just, if I were to tell people, I would be like, be gentle with others and be gentle with yourself. And like, if you can make the main focus showing people love, like even the people that make it so hard are probably, honestly, the people who need it most. Like, they have not been shown love. So their reaction is to be mean or be hateful.

And a lot of this has come with therapy and learning how to communicate my feelings, not feeling like I need to shut down or run from things that are hard because I always thought like I was a peacemaker if I just didn't talk about it. Because like I wasn't adding to the like confrontation. So therefore I was creating peace as opposed to talking about it and communicating about it and like figuring it out instead of just sweeping it under the rug and letting it build up with. resentment or whatever. So. Because then you can feel inner peace. Like instead of peace making for others and trying to people please, if you talk about it and get somewhere with it and not sweep it under the rug, you get inner peace from that, which is the most important thing. Totally. And I had no idea how much having inner peace led to me being able to love people better because when you're carrying that and you're always trying to make people happy, but

you can't reconcile something within your own soul. It's going to reflect. And there's actually this TikTok song that went viral, this girl named Maddie, I think it's Maddie Zom or Maddie Zame. And she's basically, it's, I relate so much to it. And she's just kind of talking about, she was, I think was a worship leader. And she wrote this song kind of talking about her experience coming out to her parents and this song that she used to come out. But, it just kind of navigates the things of it's like a letter to her younger self and it's like you would be disappointed in the things I do and you might not like her but like I like her like I like her and it's so powerful and it's amazing I mean the song's amazing but I think it's like

working through that like my younger self and who I saw myself as and who I thought people wanted to see me as and I think a lot of that and with therapy and just I don't don't know, maybe getting older is like, that's not my responsibility to take on other people's expectations of me. And that must have been so hard for you because you went on this national television show where you're trying to find a husband and then people like all of a sudden like are drawn to you and following you and looking up to you. And when you have, when you feel that kind of responsibility, gosh, that must have been like so heavy on you. And then you must just feel so much lighter now, just being like, this is who I am. And then people are so happy for you, too.

Like, I feel like everyone, people who I didn't even know watched the show, like, of people in my life were like, I am so happy for Becca. You just, I don't know, there's something about you where you're just like, people could tell you're a good human. And I think you're like honest about what you, everything you just said, like navigating like your relationship with God and coming out and who you thought you were supposed to be and who you are now. Like, I just think that's so real and honest. And yeah, it's just, I'm, everyone's just so happy for you, including me. Thank you.

Yeah, I didn't realize that I would feel lighter because we have definitely lived our life, like publicly. We never, you know, we've traveled together. We were out to everyone in our lives. But, oh, my God. I literally felt like this huge weight was lifted off me. And I was like, oh, wow. Becca, you just been carrying this.

Like, you know, like, I felt sad. Like, not sad, but I did have, like, compassion for myself where I was like, oh, I always thought like, oh, it's not going to be any different, but it was in such an unexpected way. Did your relationship change at all after that? No, honestly. I mean, I think we both feel a little, I think we both feel a little bit lighter, but. Yeah.

Yeah, we both just love each other and respect each other so much. And I just, I have always hoped to have a relationship like this. And so it's my first relationship where, you know, because I was with Robert and he is such an incredible human being. And I was so closed off to letting my walls down and communicating and letting myself be vulnerable and fall in love. And I didn't get there with him because I, I just couldn't. I would not let myself. And I think when I'm at hate, And I fell in love with her so fast, all the sudden I had to kind of work on all these things that I had never had to work on before. And I was so grateful to be with someone who was willing to meet me in the middle on that and not, you know, shame me for not knowing how to communicate or shame me for being scared about certain things. Like she's just been so patient. And like really such a great example of a partner. And it's really, it's really cool. I'm really grateful. That is, I mean, all you can never ask for, but that I love, I love that because, you know, when somebody like Haley, who's so what we admire about her, how she is so proud, how she is so herself, that's probably why you fell in love with her to then have the patience for somebody who's still navigating so much. Over four years, like, that's a long time. And that just shows,

like you said true partnership and like such pure love like and that doesn't again don't ever want to paint a perfect picture because that probably came with a lot of challenges but at the same time to have somebody to have you fall in love so quickly with somebody that you you know dreamt of having this kind of relationship with and have her be so patient back and then like everything working out I just think is so beautiful yeah and I mean don't we we do couples therapy like we definitely we argue like we see things very differently and so we're we've both been open about how important couples therapy has been for us I know you and I talked about it and yeah it totally changed our relationship and the best way like it it in it changed me and my relationships with everybody

you know it's not like because really obviously romantic relationship is different for many reasons but relationships when you're trying to cultivate a relationship and put in the effort whether it's a friendship or family member, it takes both people working at it. And I think that's what couples therapy has helped us both like really go, okay, these are the things I need to work on. And then she's like, and these are the things I need to work on. And we're both going to do it because it's going to make our relationship better. And I, I think that's also been a great example of how, you know, we've both put in the effort and the work to to make it what it is. Yeah. Couples therapy is so great because it also exposes what you need to do

individually. So it's like you get two, you get two birdsoned at once. That was graceful. Thanks. Float off the tongue. This week's great therapy is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening to this podcast right now, you're probably multitasking. Like while you're listening to me talk, You're probably driving, cleaning, exercising, maybe grocery shopping, but if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else that you can be doing right now, and that's getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance. It's easy, and you could save money by doing it right from your own phone. Drivers save by switching to Progressive save over $700 on average,

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Apartments.com is just the thing to get you into the space you keep imagining. Visit Apartments.com, the place to find a place. It's only fair that I ask you, what does Haley do that gives you the ick? So, you're going to hate this. Oh, boy, what? I went home after that conversation, and I was like, I'm going to ask Kaylee, like, what what gives her the ick about me and, like, bring up this conversation. You know, maybe I'll start a fight.

Yeah. But I was thinking about her, what gives me the ick. Yeah. Oh, my God, nothing. I literally have nothing that gives me the ick. Like, the only thing I should think of, and it doesn't even give me the ick to the point where I'm like, ew, I'm just like, what it's happening again is. when she like smacks her food but i'm not like yeah you know i'm just kind of like why are my god

i do hate this i know i'm so sorry and i like hate that that i and her ick about me and she was like i don't think it's an ick but my messiness i'm messy yeah yeah and she was like but i don't think it's an ick it's just um something we got to work on come on i cannot like she doesn't like cracker knuckles or brighter nails or like anything that makes you go like ugh no i know and it's weird because i have found an i could find an ick with anybody like yeah literally anybody and i i never get like that it's i know it's crazy that i was hoping you want to ask me because i was like that is amazing now i want to know now i want to know what percentage of all of my listeners don't get an ick from their partner because I feel like that's one and a

cabillion. Okay. That's what I was going to say. I think, and I'm pretty aware that that mentality, and I'm sure people are going to be like, there's no way. Like, I literally racked my brain. I was like, what does she do where I'm like, stay away? I could not think of a single thing. Wow. But I do think it's like very normal to feel that way. And I do have to say, I think to women. think guys just to like do things that like women are like why do you do that that's true whereas like a woman you're like not you you kind of get each other a little more i don't know that's a really good point and i did think about that in my brain while you were saying that i was like maybe that has something to do with it because even my girlfriends who one of my best

friends in the whole world like i don't think she could do anything that would give me the ick because I just like, I'm like, oh, she's so like me. Like, I understand her. I understand her so well. That's a good point. Because I don't think even you, like, I don't think you could do anything that would give me the ick. Yeah.

I mean, if you saw me bite my toenails in the mansion, that one. I would just be like, that's pretty gross, Caitlin. But I wouldn't be like, I can't, like, I'm grossed out to be around you. I'd just be like, Caitlin, get your toe out of your mouth. Oh, my God. You just call me out. that would be the end of it. Yeah. That's a good point. So I do think there, I do think there's an element to it. And if you are in a relationship with a woman and you're a woman listening to

this and you get the ick with your partner, it doesn't mean something's wrong. Yeah. Nope. I think we're very rare. And I think that's why, why when I think of Haley in our relationship, I'm like, it's very, very special. And I don't take it for granted. But I was like, please don't ask me this question if i think about that perfect of a like okay i don't want to call you guys perfect but like that level of love which everyone would obviously strive for i feel like i would get so scared of losing that and that's like sometimes my biggest fear with completely allowing myself to like fully fall in love like i always am so scared to lose that for multiple reasons one it's my biggest fear two my my parents are divorced three i lost

my best friend when I was 18 and I'll like never be the same from that and I'm always so scared to lose that but I feel like you have such confidence even when you were like on The Bachelor or in your relationships and with Haley like I watch I'm obsessed with her music by the way like her song for the girls just got me through my run and walk like I'm obsessed with it um and I on music videos like she has to kiss other girls and flirt and do all these things I personally, and this just says a lot about my insecurities, but like, that would be really hard for me, even though I would still obviously not stop them from doing that because that's a career and you know it's acting and whatever. But I would have a hard time with it. Do you get, do you find yourself having a tough time with that at all? Are you like me? No, it's, it's definitely hard for me. And I, you know, I, I always tell her, like, I would never want you to not do something for your career because of, me feeling insecure and she's so i mean she she she's never done anything that should make me feel insecure because she's always like literally you can come on set it is not romantic at all she's like she grew up acting so like and she's the director too so there's like she thinks nothing of it right but for me who didn't grow up in that and who was always like you know you don't kiss other people when you're with me right and i don't i went on the bachelor so i don't know what i'm talking about but um Maybe a drama from The Bachelor.

No. Yeah, seriously. But both can exist. You can be confident and still feel that like that doesn't feel right to me at the same time. Like, I think that's totally normal. I think it's very normal to not want to see the person that you're in love with kissing someone else or being intimate with someone else. But she was in this career before I met her. So to automatically assume that she stops what she's doing because all of a sudden she's dating me is just not really.

realistic so I know a lot of people always question that and it's it's hard and I think if it wasn't hard I think I would have concerns right I was just like go off and I mean maybe if I was in the industry like she is and I did the same thing it would be less like I do think that's there's something to be said about that because you just kind of become numb to to that after years of your your whole life and acting and in that kind of world like you're just like oh it's just another I remember talking to Chriselle about that like because she did days of our lives and all these like growing up acting and she was like half the time like i'm like i have to kiss this person again i don't even want to like you just it becomes like

your brain just goes somewhere else where it's just acting at the end of the day but i always wondered that with you because you're so confident in so many things and i feel like i remember thinking that on the bachelor i was like you don't you never really got jealous and i actually found my old bachelor journal that I wrote probably 10 pages in I was like short-lived but I wrote in Chris's season and then I had one entry from Ben's season and I on that entry I was like I'm so scared of how much I feel for Ben after five days compared to how I felt for Chris and I think I think that Chris was really hard. I was so closed off. I had never been in love. I was like in this like weird circumstance. And I didn't go on specifically like this is a man I want to date. I was just kind of like he's the

bachelor and he's really cute. But let's just see what happens. Whereas Ben, I went back intentionally for Ben. So maybe that's what it was. But yeah, I was definitely a lot more insecure on Ben's season of the bachelor. Interesting. I thought I was way cooler. like more like collected and then I was really humbled on Ben's season that's so and like that's the biggest difference right there like you went on for the experience with Chris where you actually went on for Ben the second time like that's I feel like that would be a much plus you know like kind of how the show works at that point so you have so many thoughts in the back of your mind of like was it just because of this or does he actually feel this or is he

saying this because of this am I chosen for this one-on-one because of this? Am I chosen for this one-on-one because of this like and and you had probably heard my stories from being the bachelorette and more behind the scenes stuff where you're just questioning so much more yeah it was i learned i learned a hard lesson that that season it all worked out for a reason it did it really it really did it worked out for everybody honestly it is it's true that's so funny oh ben i just love him i love him and jess they're so freaking cute i'm so sad i miss their wedding that looked like such a hoot. Remember when you and Sean Booth were dating? Yeah, when I wore his jacket. That was my jacket. I love that people like went there.

Like, what? I know. I was like, I had so many things I wanted to say because, but we are running in our time. So I'm just going to tell you. Okay. In honor of all the things that we've both learned about ourselves over the years, I asked all my vinos to share some things that they've learned about themselves. And I thought we could kind of like, dedicate a little portion of this podcast to things that we've all learned about ourselves. Some of the answers I got when I asked what they've learned about themselves are so beautiful. I'm just going to share a couple. Dominique said, I've learned that you don't need to ask permission.

I know it sounds weird, but all my life, I've always ran it by people what I want to do. Like, hey, I think I'm going to go to Sedona or, hey, I think I'm going to cut my hair. What do you think? Or even, hey, I'm thinking about having a baby. What are your thoughts? She goes, now I just do it. And that's not to say it's a big life-altering decision. I don't discuss with my husband, but if I want to go do something that brings me joy,

I go and do it. Not happy at my job anymore, I left it. A friendship turned toxic, I cut them out. A delicious bottle of wine, I drank it all. I have one life and I deserve happiness. I got so inspired from that one because I was like, I feel this. I can relate to this and you don't have to ask permission. I used to always think, like sometimes I ask Instagram and then I go,

why am I doing this to myself? because you can like, first of all, it's a poll, so somebody can accidentally click, like, cut all your hair off and not mean it, or somebody can be like, I'm going to tell her she looks better blonde because I, you know, like, you don't know these people and it doesn't matter, like, of course, your followers are, can be your business and you can like respect the hell of them and want to gain their trust and all of the things. But to ask for permission for what you want to do in your life, like sometimes I like it for a fun poll. and then other times I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? Yeah, I like asking opinions, like, if people like this, I have to really be prepared for the rejection. Like, I have to be like, what if they vote against what I really want? That's so sad. But I think that's so cool that she's just like, hey, if I want to do that, I'm going to do it.

This is my one, like, the delicious bottle of wine. I totally relate to that. There's so many times where I'm like, I really shouldn't. just because it feels like but i'm like but i love this i'm really enjoying this moment last night for example i um i was like i'm not going to have any wine i'm just going to go to bed blah blah and i was like but i really want one glass of wine and then i was like that i really want a piece of chocolate cake with it and so i did and i don't go to the gym to punish myself the next day like i didn't go walk today because i'm like got to burn off that chocolate and that glass of wine i go because

i'm like haven't gone to the gym in two weeks and it actually makes me mentally like so much clearer and feel so much better. But I was like, I want that piece of chocolate cake with that glass of wine. Why the hell wouldn't I do it if that's what I want? I'm 1,000% with you. We punish ourselves so much for simple wants and desires. And I actually love what to shoot. Is that girl like a writer or something? I really like how she worded the whole thing. Me too. Me too, actually. It was beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. Aaron said after going through a divorce and X being in a relationship, the second we divorced, I learned not to care about rumors. I heard everything about myself, pregnant cheating, and even that I died from cancer.

I had to really step back and take info in firsthand. I also had to learn not to obsess about what others thought of me. Only through the hard times do you experience true growth. My gosh, that's, okay, I mean, I'm sure you've heard crazy rumors about yourself, and I have heard crazy, I remember one time a guy from like, Newfoundland, where I used to live with my ex, told the whole city and hockey team that I took him home and that he can point out where I lived. And I'm like, you're just saying that because I was on TV and you, does that make you feel cool? Like, now you're putting me out there as a

cheater and that, like, truly offends me. But I've heard so many rumors about myself. Oh, my gosh. but I'm I feel like you have I mean I think especially going on to be the bachelorette and then being so much more in the public eye after people try to attach their name to anyone who has success whether it's negative or positive if they can be there by association it's that that any good any publicity is good publicity I hate that but I do feel like people really take advantage of like knowing you being associated with you or any kind of like common ground but yeah i will i don't know this person erin but i feel very proud of her because i think that's a extremely hard thing to do i think it's actually easier when you have a platform because you're like well you know i'm kind of in this position where people can say whatever they want about me where when you're in like a smaller circle of people that really matter and then to navigate that of people talking about you i think would be way harder. I agree. 100%. I saw a TikTok yesterday and she was talking about how her ex was with

his new wife or girlfriend or whatever and he had cheated on her with the girl. And so he was with his mistress. And she was like, we have a, like, we have a fine relationship. But she was like for the first time, I didn't feel anger. Like I felt grateful because in my mind, I looked at her and I thought he's your problem now. Like, I am not having to live a life where I'm worried about him cheating on me or I'm stressed or I have anxiety because he's gone. And, like, she was like, I finally was able to let that go. So I agree. I think that takes a lot of, like, work and maturity to get to that place where you can have a positive outlook on it. Yeah, that's true. I like that. He's your problem now. That's good. Bronwyn says a couple of things for me.

First one is that no one looks slash sees my body in the same way I do. The flaws I fixate on don't even register for other people. Another big one, the more authentically I show up, the easier my relationships are to navigate. My biggest roadblocks in relationships, romantic and platonic, have always stemmed from me trying to fit a mold. I thought they wanted me to be in. I would friggin relate to this so hard. I've there's so many things that I'll like pick apart on my body or my face where that and sometimes I'll say it to like Jason and he's like I don't even see what you're talking about like what and I'm like oh did I need to hear that or am I like fishing I'm not sure but it's so crazy and I remember you posted something on your Instagram about something similar and I remember being like oh that is so true like you the people that you love and look up to and it's always the people who are just show up. authentically. It's not the people who have perfect bodies and perfect faces and

perfect hair. You're not like, oh, that's who I want to be. It's the people who are like freaking so true to themselves and like flaunt their flaws and talk about things that you're like, I relate to that. There's so much freedom. And first of all, I think there's so much freedom and realizing that no one sees your body. I love that. No one sees your body like you do. And it reminds me of like when someone takes a photo of me and they're like look at this and look how beautiful this photo is of you and then I see it and I'm immediately like I have double chin and my arm looks fat like what are you talking about it's a horrible picture and I'm like wow if what if we actually looked at ourselves like how other people see us where people think people see me laughing and they think

she looks so beautiful because it's radiating happiness as opposed to like having the perfect pose where I look, you know, the skinniest or the most toned, whatever it is. It's like, that's a beautiful outlook to think, like, no one sees me, no one's as critical on me as I am on myself. Yes. I wonder, I've gotten a little, actually I've gotten a lot better over time just because I'm such a believer in, even if you're lying to yourself, talking to yourself kindly, until you believe it.

Like, I'm such a believer in that. Haley's so good about that. Like, Haley will look in the mirror and she'll be like, I look gorgeous. And I'm like, I need to start doing that. Like, I need to look at myself with no makeup on, my hair everywhere and be able to be like, I look gorgeous, you know, like to have that self-love. And like you said, even if maybe you don't believe it, to talk to yourself like you do your friends who are picking themselves apart, you know, like if you were picking yourself

apart, I'd be like, Caitlin. what are you doing? Like, you're so gorgeous, you know, like, why don't, why are we, why are we so mean to ourselves about that? It's true. I, I started lying to myself a long time ago, but now I truly believe it. Like, even yesterday, you know, because I have just been freaking enjoying myself and doing whatever for the last two weeks and I've also been stressed, I looked so haggard and tired yesterday. And I looked at myself and I almost said, oh, you look disgusting. And I just stopped myself immediately. I actually put my hand up and I went, of course you're tired. Go rest, you little sweetie. Like, you've been being pulled in a million different directions and

you now get to like a couple days to relax. Like, who cares what you? And I just stopped and I like turned the beat around and I started talking like so kindly to myself. And it just really helped. It's powerful. I mean, our words are powerful, especially when we're saying them to ourselves. Yeah, especially. But if you can't like, For anyone listening, I say this probably a lot, but just start now. Like, when you look in the mirror and you want to say something mean, say something nice. And would I love the trend on TikTok right now? Yeah.

Victoria Garrick. Like what was it? Well, Victoria Garrick and her friend were like looking in the mirror and they're like, I love this like pooch that I have. Like it's protecting my organ so well. Like, seriously. It's like it's so true like to even focus on the things that you hate. Maybe you won't immediately love them, but to be able to look in the mirror and not, like, grimace at yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a good practice. That actually, I'm glad you reminded me of that one, and I want everybody to go watch it. But also the one where it's like, when you speak mean to yourself, you're also speaking to this little girl. And they show you when you're little, I'm like, oh, because if I ever picture, like, picture myself as a little girl and, like, speak to her in any way. But, like, with love, I'm like, she's just, like, we're all just still. little like innocent children in there somewhere with insecurities and we just have to be so kind

to that little girl. I know and especially you having your niece who you're so close with like think about how how you would feel she ever spoke to herself like that, you know? Oh my gosh. I can't even I like I follow parenting accounts on social media just for how I speak to like my friend's kids or my niece and nephew because I'm like I just want to be like the best version of like an example for kids and then I want to like obviously set myself up for success for being a mom at some point in my life. Preparation. Okay, I can't let you leave without confessing. This whole podcast has been me just embarrassing the shit out of myself. So if you could just freaking take the mini mic at this point and tell me something. Well, you don't have a confession. No, I do. I do have a confession. I have a confession. I think I was in eighth grade. And we had to write a Christmas story. Like, we had to write our own, like, makeup. It was for, I'm guessing, English class. And we had to write our own. And it was for a competition. Whoever had the best story would win. So I wrote, took, I took a few ideas maybe from my, a song I had heard. It was a Christmas song about him buying shoes. And he can't, because he, he, he, he, like, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, couldn't afford the shoes because mom's sake and he wanted her to be able to wear the gold shoes in heaven when she's walking the street. It's very emotional. I just took a few, I took the concept

and kind of made it my own, wrote it out. Literally didn't think anything about it. I got so sick the next week and couldn't go to school. And my mom comes in and she's like, Becca, you won the writing contest. And she reads it and she's like, this is, a song. And I was like, no, no, no, no. It's, I took the idea, made it my own, wrote a story, just, you know, it's, it was a song and I made it, I made it a written piece. I won the competition. And to this day, I hold this like guilt that like someone who may have really worked hard didn't copy a song and could have won. But, um, yeah, I haven't told anyone that. I don't think, I think only my family

knew. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. I think my last confession was about constipation, so I wanted to switch gears a little bit. I liked the gear switch. You really took it from like fifth gear to first there, but we all really appreciate you

for your vulnerability and honesty in this moment. Thank you so much. Thank you. I think that's actually cool. You like turned a song into like written like speaking poetry. My motto in line is work smarter, not harder. I amen to that because that's why I have a team.

I could not do half of the things I do in my life without a team. Becca, I freaking love you. Thank you so much for being on the pod today. And just speaking so honestly, and I always love talking to you. It's even when we're just on text and I'm crying and sending you selfies of me with tears streaming down my face and you're giving me good advice, I just love our friendship. I love you. And I love Phoebe! She's just like, don't forget. I'm right here too.

Oh my gosh. But is she on your table? Or what do you want? She sits next to me on my desk when I do any computer work. I'm so, that just made me miss my dog so much. I get to see them in two days and I cannot freaking wait. Oh my gosh, Phoebe, a little cute. She's just such a freaking little ball of fluffy cuteness. I can't handle it. It's the sweetest. Oh, okay. And then if there's any. Anything relevant you want to put out there, like your Instagram handle or?

Yeah, if you, if you're not following me on, well, Instagram, Becca Tilly, and then I think my TikTok is, Phoebe, I'm trying to, we're almost, my Instagram. My Instagram, my TikTok is, I think it's Becca Tilly five. I don't know. Why five? I think Beckatilly was taken. Hard to say. I'm either Beckett Tillier or Beckettilly five. I'm trying to get to 100K. I'm at 95. Let's go. let's go let's get her there everybody like people always talk about how fast TikTok grows and I'm like I haven't had that experience I think it was a thing I don't think that's like really happening as much anymore because mine was going fast there for a second but everything is slowing down for me right now I'm like oh no it's keeping up with the Joneses oh Instagram is a real bitch right now really over yeah so give us the follows me and Yes. Please. Please follow us on all the things. Our business depends on it. Our lives depend on it. Not to be dramatic. Phoebe's life. Phoebe's life depends on it. Phoebe needs to eat farmer's dog. Okay. And that shit is not cheap. She does. Amazing. Okay. Love you so much. Thank you. Love you. Bye. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for joining us for this week's grape therapy. Don't forget to

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