Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: *Nearly* New Year, New Boundaries with Terri Cole

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Psychotherapist, podcast host, and the boundary boss herself, Terri Cole, joins KB on the pod today right in time for you to start working on your best 2023 self and leave behind the crap that didn’t serve you in 2022. Terri starts by defining what boundaries actually are and how we can go about defining and communicating them to those in our lives. Women especially often find themselves with disordered boundaries and high-functioning co-dependency, and Terri and Kaitlyn are discussing what these terms actually mean and how to know if they’re affecting us personally. The two talk through some actionable steps we can take to become our best selves in the New Year, including setting boundaries with ourselves and technology, and starting or continuing a meditation practice. And speaking of meditation, Terri is giving the Vinos their very own free meditation when you visit BoundaryBoss.me/vine!   Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. PELOTON - Learn more at onepeloton.com.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Visit Onepellaton.com. All access membership separate. Offer ends December 25th. Cannot be combined with other offers. See additional terms at Onepellaton.com. it's time for off the vine grape therapy welcome to your weekly session kately and friends are here to share unfiltered advice lots of laughs and some major breakthroughs so put your feet up pop a cork and get ready for some grape therapy welcome to grape therapy i'm your host kailen bristow and every year

i just want to be a better version of myself i say it every year it's me against me you know what Bring it on, Caitlin. Today I am talking with a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, and an empowerment coach, podcast host, author, and she is a Total Boundary Boss, Terry Cole. Imagine that being your bio. That is badass. She taught thousands of women to talk true, be seen, and feel free as the most authentic, most empowered version of themselves.

Sounds nice, doesn't it? We talk about all of that on today's podcast. and I hope this episode leaves you feeling inspired and ready to take on 20.23, baby. Oh, look at us. We're both rocking the turtlenecks today. You know, it is that time of year. It really is. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm so good. Thank you. And thank you so much for coming on the pod.

I feel like it's going to be perfect timing for when this is released. I don't know how you feel about setting resolutions for the new year. I always hate it because it's like there's like a fact. Yeah. It's it's there's a fact that it's like 90% of people don't stick to it. So then it's like you're setting yourself up for failure. And is that why you don't like them either? Yeah. I do a whole thing annually on my pod and my vlogs and whatever where it's called crap you're leaving in last year. Okay. Tell me more. The reason why I, my, therapeutic two cents on why resolutions don't work is that it's you can't just have a wish you need data so in the process that I walk people through annually we look at what worked amazingly last year yeah

let's celebrate and then we worked at what didn't what did not work and then let's get some information as to why it didn't work so we're celebrating our wins and our peak experiences but peak experience is good and bad so it's more of an honest look at last year, and then we go into making plans for this year that are sustainable plans that we really want, because a lot of times we're like, I really want to learn French. And then like, if that shit is on your list for like seven years, you know what, man, you actually don't want to. You don't think you should want to learn French.

You don't want to, though, or you would have already done it by now. So I think we should take it off the list. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's so true. So instead of going in and setting all these unrealistic expectations for yourself, you should reflect on the last year and look at, you know, the peaks and valleys and where you felt good in your year. And then I always just say try and be a better person than the year before. Like I always just want to be learning more about myself, doing more even charity work, doing more like for the community, like just bettering yourself in any way every single year. So I feel like, I mean, having you on which you call yourself. the boundary boss, which I think is the best name ever. It's just the best way to wrap up 2022 and just get rid of those old patterns that aren't really serving us and kind of learn

how to be the best version of ourselves. So I'm excited to do that with you today. I know my listeners are going to love it. I was scrolling through your Instagram and your website. And I was like, holy crap, there is just so much good information. So I was like, where do we start? And then I was like, let's just start at maybe you could explain what boundaries are and the importance of having them because I feel like it can be kind of like a buzzword the same way, you know, some people use other terms and where maybe sometimes people just don't know what a boundary is. So could you explain your vision for a boundary? Indeed. I think that there's a lot of myths around boundaries and I think there's a lot of negativity attached and people feel like you have to be

all agro. If you're a boundary boss, then you're like a bitch or you're my way or the highway and none of that is accurate. So according to me, I want you to think about your boundaries as your own personal rules of engagement. This is how we let other people know what's okay with us and what's not okay with us. And your boundaries consist of your preferences, your limits, and your non-negotiables, like your deal breakers. And it's not enough to just know them because a lot of people know them. You have to know them and then have the ability to concisely and transparently communicate them. And I think that this is where we really run into a problem. Right.

And why do you think that is, are we scared of like the assumption that if we are setting a boundary that we are being mean? Is that why we can't like execute? I think it's a combination of things because most of us were raised and praised for being self-abandoning codependence. The more self-sacrificing you are, the better person you are, you know? Right. So how do you identify when a boundary needs to be set? Well, you can definitely, the first thing I say to people when they come in and they're like, I don't even know about my boundaries. I'm like, oh, trust me, you do. Yeah. Let's quickly do a resentment inventory. This is going to show you exactly where either a boundary is being crossed or you need to set a boundary or somehow a need of yours is going unmet. So that's the first thing I have people do.

because I think there's confusion, but you're not confused about how you feel. You know who you have resentment against and why who you feel is entitled to your time or demanding or inconsiderate or whatever your feeling is. And then we get to, that's sort of like a GPS that can drive us to what relationships in our life need our attention. And, you know, Caitlin, I think it's important, though, that anyone who's listening to this watching this who's like, oh my God, I don't even know where to start. I'm a boundary disaster. To think of it like being fluent in the language of boundaries

is like being fluent in any language. And you wouldn't feel bad that you weren't fluent in Mandarin because you really wanted to be. You would know, oh, I need a teacher. I need to learn the language. And with boundaries, it's also important to understand that you have a downloaded Boundary Blueprint. I have a downloaded boundary blueprint from the families we grew up in culture, country, all of the society that taught us what it means to be a good person. Right. How many people, especially if you were raised as a woman, you know, be a good girl. Turn that frown around. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I mean, I could keep going. I will stop now. But the messaging was so clear.

the messaging was not tell me who you are and how you feel at least not when I was growing up the messaging no me either be a good girl be nice be nice to others be hopeful and all of that taught us to be self-abandoning and to think that no is a four-letter word and to be afraid of being rejected or judged or especially as women being considered hysterical right? If a woman is assertive, she's like a controlling bitch. And if a man does the same thing, he's a fantastic leader. You know, I mean, the double standard is alive and well, you know? It really is. I know I always think about that same thing because I hope we're not still doing that. Like, a parents, you know how things change and shift so much in every generation and we learn these

things. I think we're learning more about boundaries, still having a hard time setting them, but learning more about them. And I wonder if you think maybe this generation of people, because we're open to talking about that and being more aware of them, I guess. Do you think that we'll pass those lessons on to our kids and not just say to smile and be a good girl? I think so. I really do think it's changing. But I can tell you, you know, I was a talent agent before I became a psychotherapist. And I mean, entertainment, you're in it, you know, not exactly a hotbed at mental health or good boundaries. Yes. My gosh. But then when I became a psychotherapist and my own sort of journey going from boundary disaster to boundary master, which took years, obviously. But then in my practice,

it was the same very much my clientele as you, like super highly capable women who were very ambitious and getting it all done, doing it all at the expense of themselves, usually. And I could see this. It was an actual epidemic long before the pandemic. Right. Disordered boundaries with women in particular men to struggle with this. But women are in particular, we are trained to have disordered boundaries. And I realized that it didn't matter what their presenting problem was, whether they were having issues at work or in their relationships or with friends or family, that I could just follow those dots backwards to the original injury, which was that they did not have this all-important skill set. And it was so overwhelming that eventually, because I've been a

therapist for 25 years, I finally was like, oh my God, I have to write a book. People need this so badly, you know? Yeah. So you wrote a book on Boundaries? I did. Call Boundary Boss. Amazing. Oh, I love that.

And people can get that wherever they buy their books and listen to. Yeah. Is it your voice that reads the Audible because your voice is extremely soothing. Thank you. And yes, it is. I'm sure you get told that all the time. As soon as you started talking, I was like, oh, yes. It's just so nice.

And it's nice, too, because you have a podcast. And I feel like you know what listeners want. as well, because I think it's such an, like, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse with saying the word boundaries in this podcast, but that's what it's all about. Once we figure out what boundaries need to be set, how do you think we communicate them? Because, well, actually, I have a lot of follow-up questions. How do you think we communicate them? Before we even get to that point, we have to have a deeper understanding of why it's so scary. And we have to sort of excavate our own limiting beliefs around asserting ourselves. Because think about it, right? Your boundaries are comprised

of your preferences, your limits, and your deal breakers. But they're not just your boundaries. Those things are actually the things that make you uniquely you. And so when we learn to be like the cool girl, go with the flow, no fuss, no must, you know, I'm easy, easy, breezy, what we're doing is we're self-abandoning. that your preference should not be and is not a burden for someone else. And when we say yes, when we want to say no, under this umbrella of being nice, what we're really doing is misleading the people in our life. We're giving them corrupted data about who we are and what we like.

And so I think that before we can get to the, how do we do it, which I definitely will get to, it's important that we do this deep dive in the way that I teach it in the book and in all my courses and my mastermind is that we have to start in because your reasons for having difficulties, because here's the thing. Disordered boundaries are not just saying yes when you want to say no. Disordered boundaries also look like someone who will more likely cut you out of their life if they're upset with you that have a conversation with you. Yeah. Yeah. Right? That's a rigid boundary. So we have boundaries that are too porous, which are too malleable. And those are the ones that we a lot associate with women. But there's a whole other being too rigid, my way or the highway, super controlling, all of those things. Those are also disordered boundaries. So when people think that someone who's a boundary boss is someone who's like, I got it all figured out and you're going to do it my way and you're going to like it. I'm like, no, man, that's just a boundary book. that's not a boundary boss right because a boundary boss is masterful and there's a certain

flexibility when you really can master boundaries so longest way around the barn to get back to your question i love it i'm like to tell me everything which is how do we start so i think the best place to start if you are someone who sort of rocks the auto yes in life if you have the disease to please other people is we have to stop the instant. Yes. So it's learning just in the beginning, like just take the next seven days and tell yourself, I'm not agreeing to anything in the moment. I'm going to institute a 24 to 48 hour decision making policy for myself, because we need to change our reactions, right, so that they can be responsible. responses that are mindful, you're allowed to take time to be like, I don't know. I want to think

about that. Or I've instituted a 48-hour decision-making policy. I'll let you know on Wednesday. Yeah. And a lot of times people will try to manipulate us and pressure us with time things like crap, they're making up by being like, well, I need an answer now. Anyone says that to you. I don't care what it is unless they're giving you $5 million. The answer is, oh, if you need you. an answer now, then the answer will have to be no. Because that's not the way that I make decisions. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency for me. And we're leading people into, we're teaching them how to treat us. Yes. Right. We already have taught them how to treat us. So if your phone is never off, if you get back to people immediately, if someone asks you and you just say, yes, yes,

sure, it sounds great. I'll do that. We're now going to start slowing it all down. stepping back a little bit and giving yourself the ability to really think, do you want to do that thing? Do you have the bandwidth to do that thing? Is it convenient for you to do that thing? And listen, obviously, you're in really, like, you know, we're, we all have people in our life. Clearly, if you're in a society, you are going to be doing crap you don't want to do. But a lot of times, we're doing it out of love. And that's okay, right, if that's a mindful choice. but it's so much easier when you can put the brakes on the auto yes it is 100% easier to come back and say no to something that you haven't already compulsively agreed to because you know when you don't want to do something

you're going to find a way probably not to do that thing yeah you might get a migraine that morning and I can't do this 7 a.m. thing I agreed to do that I knew I wasn't going to do the second I said it was going to do it and I feel like that that's a beginning and it's easier. for people, because you're not just going to flip a switch and go from being a yes person to being able to be really authentic. Especially for those people that you, I like how you said it, that have the disease to please. Like, you cannot change those things overnight. And I find myself being sometimes, I think with work, I'm a yes person in personal life,

I have a really easy time saying no. But for some reason with work, I have a really hard time saying no to things because I've always had this mindset of I came off this TV show and you got to make hay while the sun shines and you got to say yes to everything because who knows when this time is going to be the end. And now it's seven years of me saying yes to everything to try and make hay while the sun shines and I'm just feeling so much burnout. Well, burnout is a major thing. But you know, Caitlin, I want to say in knowing your story, I actually think you've done a very good job at planning. Thank you. at executing, at creating a lifestyle brand and products that people love. So I know what you're

saying, but as much as you were maybe saying yes, over here, you were also working your butt off over here to create a sustainable empire for yourself. I know you're still in the process of building, but you're doing a great job is what I want to say. That's so nice. Thank you for saying that. This week's grape therapy is brought to you by progressive insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. While you're listening to me talk, you're probably driving, cleaning, exercising, maybe grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you can be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance. It is so easy and you can save money by doing it right from your phone. Now, drivers who

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bit convoluted, but I'm going to get you there. Yes. So when I started my practice and I had all these high functioning women in my therapy practice, that I would say, hey, what you're describing is a codependent dynamic. And immediately they would be like, hell no, lady, no, I'm making all the money. I'm making all the decisions. I'm the rock in my family. Everyone comes to me. There's no way I'm codependent. And I was like, oh, they don't understand what codependency is. Right. So I, and I'll give you my definition of it, but then I changed the moniker because actually what I started seeing my own flavor of codependency, certainly in my 20s and my 30s, is what I was seeing in my clients, which is not the Melody Beatty, co-dependent no more. You must be involved with

enabling an addict to be a codependent. It was being, so my definition is you being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the decisions, circumstances, the relationships of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace. Oh, wow, right? Like what's happening to them feels like it's happening to you. And if you're wondering if this is you, how long, you know, if your best friend calls you and she's in a crisis, I mean, is there any seconds before that crisis is your crisis? Yeah. Like any seconds? Like how urgent, you know, check your urgency. If you're like, oh my God, I'm Googling. I'm making phone calls over here. I'm, you know, like I have people I'm connecting her with. fix whatever this thing is. So that's codependency. I changed the name. So I coined a new phrase. And actually, this is what my new book is going to be about. It's called high functioning codependency. Because those are my people. That is me. Oh, that is definitely you. Where we are doing all the things for all the people. But we're so highly capable,

we make it look easy. So nobody is like, that's so true. Oh, well, Caitlin's okay. They're like, she's fine. That's so true. She's always fine. Yeah. She's fine. If you need something, she's the one you should go to because she's got it on lockdown. And you're like, oh, if you only knew.

Like, I really don't. Why do you keep saying that? But it's a particular kind of codependency and inherent in high functioning codependency or any codependency are disordered boundaries. Right? because that's disordered emotional boundaries, disordered internal boundaries, because we don't know what the hell our side of the street is

and what other people's side of the street is. We feel like the whole neighborhood is our responsibility, right? We're just making sure everything is cleaned up and everyone has what they need and nobody's unhappy. And that is high functioning codependency. But when you think about any codependency, it's a covert or an overt bid to control other people's outcomes. And I feel like so many people feel that.

Well, a lot of people in my life that I know, like I feel like you're speaking to so many people that I know as well, myself included. And it's interesting that there are so many different types of boundaries. Like it's not just one of like setting a boundary between you or a family member at like the holidays. And, you know, there's so many different kinds. There's burnout. There's, I know you had a podcast episode about cognitive fatigue. Is that the same as burnout? It's a little bit different.

but it's it can cause burnout right cognitive fatigue where you're just on on on you're not giving your brain the amount of time it needs to rest we're doing we're heavy lifting with decision making because there's there's also something called decision fatigue which is very similar where when you have a business it's like you have an empire so do I right like we're making decisions all day long but also thinking that we can do do this many interviews in a day or that like I can do this I'm going to be getting back at you know three in the morning from traveling and then oh they want to do it at 10 a.m. fine. Why fine? 10 a.m. is bad. Do it at three so that you can actually sleep. But again, it's

having such a high capacity to create to deliver to decision make. But as a human being, there's only so much bandwidth that we can just burn through. consistently. And so part of the whole thing with boundaries with our self has to do with actually learning what self-care is in a real way. It can't just be this hustle culture because that does not lead to healthy success. It might lead to success, but it does not lead to sustainable success because if it requires you to work seven days a week, week and not be off even when you're off. I mean, this is all the things that the women in my crew, you know, never take vacations or if they do. They're also working, especially influencers,

especially high profile folks, right? You're on vacation, but you're kind of not because you're like, I'm making this video and I'm doing this thing and I'm sharing, which again, you know, this is part of how our brands are successful. So it isn't like I'm not being thumbs down to that, but I think there has to be boundaries around that. boundaries around you and your phone, right? It can't be in the bedroom, right? It's such an addiction. It is such an addiction.

And even if it's like me just plain wordle or solitaire, like it's a, it's like a, it's like a has to be in my hands kind of feeling. And it's like terrifying. But I think the million dollar question is to the setting boundaries to self care. What is self care? The burnout, all these things. It's like, how do we heal? is putting away your phone part of it is leaving it outside and is that part of the self love and healing journey of it it is and i mean i don't start my day or get on my phone until after 10 30 or 11

i get up i work out i see i meditate i see my husband i feed my chickens i feed my like i live kind of on this little farm thing whatever i'm out of nature but it's like that wasn't always the case, right? And so I already did the whole burnout and coming back from it thing. And it's super painful. And because you're of a younger generation, the phone thing, for those of us who didn't grow up with, right? The phones didn't happen until I was already grown up, right? So I was already in my 20s. You have to realize that it's an addiction. It is an addiction. You're not wrong in saying that and that your creativity and your brilliance and your uniqueness, you need space to cultivate that, to let it grow. It's not a button, right? Creativity is not like a fit.

You can just like flip that thing on. No. You need space. So self-care has everything to do with less tech, enough sleep. Obviously, working out, we got that hydrating. Hopefully most people have that drinking in moderation, eating crappy food in moderation, doing all of those things. But getting out in nature, right, having a morning practice. If you don't meditate, I'll give all of your listeners a daily meditation they can do for free. I'll just create a thing for you. And all you need to do is if you have an ass and a pillow, you're a meditator. Like you don't need anything other than that. Just hit play on your phone and see what shifts in your internal life because for me when I learned to meditate 20 years ago,

whatever it was, it bought me like two to three seconds of response time in every situation. Really? So what kind of meditation would you do for that? Is it just like, because I know there's like apps out there. There's ones that you said you can set up for us, which would be amazing. There's ones where you actually just like don't have a guide. You're capable of doing it on your own to be able to have what you just explained that you have, what kind of meditations, where should people start? Well, you know, if you, I have to say, like, I'm Insight Timer, which is an actually a free app. So if you go there and actually Ariana, I don't know, you know, Ariana, obviously, she has

her favorite of my guided meditations because I have zillions of them and I'm a meditation teacher on my thing. So if people go to Terry Cole on Insight Timer, there'll be a thing that says, you know, you know, Ariana's favorites, I think. And there's other people's on there, too, but there's probably about 15 of mine. Oh, no way. I didn't, you were on, you're on Insight Timer. I wonder if I've listened to before without even realizing it. I use that daily. Oh, my God, you probably have, I would say. I also just did a boundary challenge with them. I did their first challenge. It was a 10-day audio challenge, which was totally free. I mean, what I love about

insight timer is that it really is truly accessible yeah for everyone and if you really want to learn how to meditate start with guided meditations and you know what that can be the only thing you ever do and it will change your life so don't worry right don't worry about like oh do I need to do you know you know the kind you know where you have to have a mantra I mean that's the kind that I do but that's just because that's the kind that I learned but I also do guided So I say go to inside timer and check out Ari's favorites. I mean, why not? That's really cool. I didn't know that. I'm going to go look at that now too. I do guided meditations morning and sometimes night. But I was thinking about this when you said you don't look at your phone. How this is a silly, silly ass question, but how do you set an alarm? Like do you have an actual old school alarm clock? I don't because here's the thing. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. don't need an alarm because I get up at the same time every day. Like today, I woke up at 20 to 6. So meditated. Really? Got up. Yep. Wow. So do you think there's a certain time people should

be going to sleep and waking up? Like, is that important to have consistency in what time you go to bed and wake up in the morning so that your body does just adjust to that and wake up on its own? I do. I do think so. And listen, I'm not a sleep expert, but all the sleep expert say consistency, even on the weekends if you can when you can the real thing is seven to eight hours is what we need some people need more than that but so much of the time even when i try i get less than that and so many people get less than that but if if you can do anything to help your nervous system and your mood consistent sleep is it so sleep hygiene is really important where you have no blue lights no not a tv in your room according to me oh boy

your phone should be parked somewhere further away right yeah and and you know what it wouldn't kill anyone to get an old school alarm clock we'd all be fine i know i was just thinking about that no there's actually there's one um there's this like phillips alarm clock that you can get where it actually just like it's almost like a sunrise where it's this bigger have you heard of this have or seen it it's like a big round light but it starts very dim and it slowly just brightens at the same time every morning with like birds turping and it's almost like yeah and it's I actually use that for a while but and now my room doesn't have blackout blind so now I just wake up when sunrises anyways but it's a really it's a really cool alarm for people that want to try and just see I wonder how long it would take to feel a difference in your sleep patterns in your mood in your everyday life to put your phone out of the room not use your TV and and do that for a week do you think that would shift to everybody's like mindset? Well, I think you'd feel better.

And I think that the addiction to the phone just start putting tech boundaries in place. Like actually do it. Don't eat dinner with people with their mother effing phones out. Just don't. Put all of you. Put your damn phone away because you're missing your life. What I know from a point of view from being a therapist for. so long is that you there is no multitasking yeah right you're not doing you're just doing stuff

worse you're just doing there was a whole study done you're just doing everything 30% less good basically when you're so multitasking but if someone if I'm talking to someone and they're looking at their phone I just stop talking and I bet sometimes they don't even notice yeah well I mean it's obviously the people in my life no don't even think about it but if it's someone who doesn't know me well and they're looking at their phone and I'm not even doing it to be a passive progressive bitch I'm not I will say hey I can wait if that's important I can wait until you're done and if they say no I'm listening I'm like oh no I need you to listen with your eyes and your ears because here's the thing I could be doing a zillion other things I'm positive

that I deserve your full attention and I'm positive you deserve my full attention. And here's the thing. I'm happy to not have lunch with you if that's not happening. Because there's a million other people I could see is I'd rather be with my husband. I'd rather be alone. I could be jumping on my trampoline right now. Like, I don't need to be sitting here while you're scrolling Instagram because your attention span has been so diminished by this influx of stimuli. Get still. Breathe. Go out and put your feet in some grass. Hug a friggin' tree. Like Stay in the real world and we can build, you know, we can also do what we're doing and build empires. But to do it in a healthy way, it cannot be that you are on your device 24-7.

Forget wordle. Forget solitaire. Like literally stop and even do a timer, right? You can listen to, you know, there's different like stuff that's good for your brain, different tracks like binary sound, their binary beats, I think they're called. I don't know if I'm saying it right, but where it engages your brain bilaterally, like things that just bring you to the here and now, because here's the thing, this moment that you and I are sharing right now, right here, is the only moment that we are guaranteed. We literally don't know what's happening

later. But what's happening right now is you and I making this, you know, connection, talking about something important, being here now. And I feel like I've had so many people in my therapy practice come in, you know, later in their life, 60s, 70s. And they're like, I've did it all, right? I've got kids went to Ivy League schools. I've got all the money in the bank. Got a home, a second home. I'm still married. I go solo cycle three times a week, whatever, whatever it is. Why do I feel so empty. And I'm like, because nobody friggin knows you, because you built your life on checking boxes that somebody else created. And you were like a good girl to the end, but you don't even know you. And so we can't know ourselves unless we're willing to spend time alone with our own

thoughts, even if it's just journaling, like come up with a thing, like a daily morning practice. I get up, I meditate, and I journal. I do gratitude. at night with my husband. And these are simple things that take no time before we go to sleep. Take no time and make you feel good. Yeah. But what they do is they build neural pathways. We're creating new neural pathways in the brain because you know we have the negativity bias as human beings. So we remember painful crap five times more readily than we do pleasurable and happy things. Wow. So we got to work five times as hard to stay in gratitude for everything that is right in our lives right now.

That's what I've been saying lately about the phone with everyone saying like there's a, I've said it, there's a glitch in the matrix. Time is flying by way faster than usual. It's probably our phones where we're losing being in a moment and having a real moment and connecting with ourselves, other people, nature. We're missing out on those. times because we're mindlessly scrolling and avoiding and then all of a sudden time is gone and you're like, what happened? And it's because we are all on our phones. And our phones become our work, our entertainment. Everything is on there. And it's making the time just disappear real time. I think that's a really insightful observation. It's so true. You're like, wait, did three hours just go by

while I was in this IG hole, like what? Yeah. Why was I in this vortex? What was so important? Yeah. And I wonder how many times people can come out of that suck hole and say that it made them feel good or feel better or like learned something. There's some TikToks out there that I find pretty educational. But you know what I mean?

Like how many times do you come out of that suck hole and feel better? Probably never. Your life is not enhanced in the same. same way it would be if you went outside and hugged a tree or took a walk or when it did something nice for your frigging elderly neighbor or called someone from your past who really believed in you, who you haven't seen in years and said, you know, you made a difference in my life. Write gratitude letters. Snail mail people. Send a card. I love the snail. I do. That goes such a long way. Like this time of year getting everybody's Christmas cards makes me so happy.

because they write a little something on the back or they say what their family's been up to this year and it's these beautiful photos and I put them on my fridge and I love it every time a year. I'm like, I get to see all my friends like in their sweet families and get a little note from them. And it really does. I think a handwritten note is something I don't. I mean, I don't remember last time I've done that for somebody, but you've just inspired me to do that because I know if I got one, I would be so happy. It resonates. It hits different. A handwritten note is like, wow, this person really. put in an effort to communicate this gratitude to me. And you'll save it. That's another thing. If somebody sends you, imagine you get a note and someone's like, you changed my life. Thank you. You're probably not throwing that out, you know? No. No, that's even people, I mean, sweet people who listen to the podcast or have somehow gotten my PO box or something. Like, I can't let go of those letters and I don't even know who they are sometimes because they mean so much to me. yes oh or that that's when i do like meeting greets for the wine and i'm signing bottles sometimes people will have me a handwritten letter and i'm just like touched by that because i do know how

much time they spend and how much you mean it when you're writing it out you know like because when you think about journaling and writing down your feelings there it's just always so genuine and real and honest and that's what a handwritten letter is too you're just writing out real honest feelings. It's sometimes easier to write down than say out loud, too. Absolutely. I like that. I'm going to go right. I'm like, who can I handwrite a letter to tonight? I love that idea. Hey, Friday Night Lights fans. It's not only football Friday Night Lights and beyond is an episode by episode discussion of the hit TV series Friday Night Lights host by yours truly Scott Porter who played Jason Street on the show and my two wonderful co-hosts. Me, Zach Gelford, aka Matt Sarison.

And me, May Whitman, a.k.a. someone who wasn't on the show, but really, really loves it a lot. We will also bring on some special guests, answer your questions, and tell you about what's going on in our lives today. It's not only football. Friday Night Lights and Beyond is available now wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. I do want to get back to Boundary Talk again in relationships. What do you think your biggest advice is when setting a boundary? Like say somebody is newly dating someone and they're like, oh, this podcast has inspired me to set some boundaries. What would be your advice for that person?

I think that we have to pay attention to, especially. especially if you're newly dating, pay more attention to what someone does than what they say. Because words without actions, just nothing. It doesn't, it doesn't mean anything, right? Anyone can say anything. Yeah. What are their actions tell you? So do they remember what you talk about? Do they remember the names of the important people in your life? Do they ask you the same questions because they weren't listening? Do they talk about themselves incessantly? Do they even ask you any questions. Do they say, I'm going to call you on Friday, but then they don't. And then they call you on Monday or text you on Monday like, what's up? As if that didn't happen. So if that scenario

happens, especially the one where they say they're going to call and they don't, you have a decision to make. And you have nothing invested, even though you'd like it to work out. But the reality is, if you don't call someone out on that behavior, you're basically signing up for more of the same. Yeah, because it's like you said earlier with you're teaching people how to treat you right then and there from the beginning. Yes. And if you can set boundaries early and often, so if someone's supposed to call you and they don't, then text them and be like, hey, I thought we were talking. Because if not, I've got 17 other thousand things I'm going to do. Right. And if they get in touch with you and act like it didn't happen, you can say, oh, hey, when I didn't hear from you on Friday, I just figured you spaced. Is everything okay or something like that? Or you can be more direct. But I feel like for people where it's difficult to draw boundaries, being more direct might feel too threatening. But from the beginning before, I love the idea of setting proactive boundaries. Like when you're getting to know someone and you can say, okay. let's talk about pet peeves. Let's talk about expectations. Let's talk about communication.

Let's talk about like, and you're both getting to share those things. So it's not like you being like, man, man, man, I'm being a nag. I'm telling you. It's being clear about what works for you and what doesn't. Like some people don't like texting. And if you, if you're a person who would rather talk once a day or once every other day than texting, then say that. Because a lot of times my therapy clients would come in and be like, I don't think this guy is serious about me. It just texts and it's erratic. And I was like, well, you're not a texter. Did you tell him you don't like texting? And of course, she'd always be like, well, no, because it makes me sound weird. I was like, it doesn't make you sound weird. But you're setting yourself up to be bitter because everyone texts. So if you don't like texting, there's no way this guy is going to be able to read your mind. But it's okay to say, hey, I don't, I'm not on my phone throughout the day. I'd rather just set up times to talk them old school like that. Yeah. And if they're like, no, man,

that's too much of a heavy lift. Well, then that tells you. Exactly. Right. That tells you all, that's a bunch of information there for you, right? Yeah, laid out for you. If you already have stated your boundaries in a relationship, how do you bring them up once they've been crossed without it sounding like, like, well, I need to get over that. I need to get over that because I'm in the relationship and this is happening. And this is what it is. So I feel that. need that I need to get over that. I will disagree. And I will tell you why.

And this is why boundaries come in different flavors, right? We have preferences, which are malleable, right? It's a preference, but it's not like at the end of the world if it doesn't happen. We have limits. Like, I can go to this party until 10 o'clock and then I have to leave because I have an early morning call or whatever it is. And then we have deal breakers, things where there is no getting over it, things where it's not negotiable for you. So I think before, it depends on what the boundary is that's being crossed.

It depends on if you've got an agreement when you have the initial boundary conversation, hey, I'd like to make a simple request that you text me if you're going to be more than 15 minutes late, so I'm not waiting for you. Right. Right. Let's just say that's the scenario. If the person says, okay, babe, you're right. I'm sorry about that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to text you. Okay. So we've got an agreement, right? Can we agree? that you're going to do that the person says yes i will do that and then maybe the next time they do text you and then the time after that they don't you say hey babe do you remember we talked about you i could have you know you didn't tell me you were going to be late and i could there are other things

that i could do so i'm going to i'm going to reiterate we had an agreement and i would love it if you would just let me know so that i could be doing what i'm doing right like or i used to always you know you know, meet people that was always very timely. They would, I would end up taking a frigging cab. I could have walked the 20 blocks. I wanted to walk the 20 blocks. I get there early and they're 20 minutes late. And I'm like, wow, I'm pissed now.

This is now a dinner where I'm just like, wow, I wish I wasn't even here because you're such an inconsiderate idiot. Like, yeah. So the conversation is, hey, I would have walked and instead I took a cab and I didn't need to do that. And it's making me mad. You know. So for people who are where it's new boundaries, you're probably not going to be able to say it's making you mad. But you can say, hey, we had an agreement. Why didn't you? And if the person is like, why are you nagging me or why are you making such a big deal? You can say, I'm actually not making a big deal at all. I'm expecting you to keep your word the same way that I keep my word to you. Yeah. It's just a consideration thing, right? You don't have to understand. why I need what I need, right?

Really? You don't have to if you're my person. But if you're in the VIP section of my life, you definitely have to care. Yeah. That is, I like that, the VIP section of my life. Yeah, you definitely have to care. That's, I feel like the, I can't remember Vienna Farron is her name. Do you know her?

Yeah, I do. I know her very well. In fact, we just did an event together. Oh, I just love her so much. She actually became a friend through us podcasting together. And she always said that boundaries only affect the people that needed them in the first place. Like they're the people that I could be absolutely butchering that saying. It's basically what she's saying is you're so worried to set these boundaries because you're going to come across as, you know, mean or passive or whatever it is.

But if those people get upset at them, they're the ones that need them the most. Do you know what I mean? Yes. What she's saying is that the people who resent or resist your boundaries of the most are the people who benefited the most from you having none. That's what it is. That's exactly what it is. Yes.

And I always, even though I can't remember it exactly, I said that, I always think about that because that always just like hit home for me. And think about it though, Caitlin, think about it right now. Is it you being a pain in the ass wanting someone to be considerate and let you know if they're going to be 20 minutes late? No. Of course not. Is it unreasonable?

No. So what you're saying is, and this is what lots of my clients are saying and women in my courses and my mastermind, they're worried about what is the other person going to think. And what I'm saying is I'm most concerned about what you think. And when you believe that what you think, how you feel, what you want matter, and to you Those things should matter the most. Literally, what you want should matter the most, how you feel should matter the most. That doesn't mean we don't take other people into consideration. It means that you know you have a right to be treated with the same consideration that you treat folks with. Yeah. That's it. A lot of times you're just asking for the bare minimum in a respectful relationship. Yes. And why is the bar so effing?

low. Why are we asking for the bare minimum when you're a queen? Yeah. When all of you are queens, when you're amazing and unique and beautiful and deserve respect and adoration and being held in high esteem from your person. Yeah. And if you're not, maybe they're not you're a right person, You know. Right. I obviously can only take up so much of your time because there's so much more we can learn. So for people who want more, where can they find you on Instagram and all of the things that you do? And I want to know if you offer the courses, the mastermind courses, how people can do those. Yes, I do. You can go to my website, Terry Cole.com, which is T-E-R-R-I-C-O-L-E. I am going to give you guys a meditation. And I'll put all the information there too. So hold on. Let me give you the link for that and then you can put it in the show notes, which is just Boundaryboss.me forward slash fine. V-I-N-E. Oh, I love that. Thank you for doing that for everybody. So you'll have a meditation there. And I'm also going to give you something on boundaries and codependency because I really do think it will really serve

your audience. Thank you so much. I'm excited. I feel like people like I go and look at my Facebook group and what people are talking about there and and I just love my listeners so much because they care so much about mental health and about therapy and about like they and they really let each other in in this group and they've become like this family and it's so cool to see so I love doing podcasts with people like yourself because I know that so many of my listeners will benefit from it and I get to benefit from it too so I have I just appreciate your time so much. And thank you for just being so incredible to talk to and for helping so many people. Thank you for having me. It was so much fun. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for joining us for this week's grape therapy. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform. And tune in Thursday for your next session. All month long on Pluto TV, stream the biggest Tyler Perry movies free. Watch your favorites like Medea's Witness Protection and Medea's big happy family.

Join Tyler Perry as he goes on a couple's retreat with Sharon Leal and Why Did I Get Married? Or Idriselba and Gabrielle Union in the Tyler Perry directed film Daddy's Little Girls. Plus, Pluto TV has hundreds of channels with thousands more movies and TV shows, available on live and on demand. Download the free Pluto TV app on all your favorite devices and start streaming now. Pluto TV. Drop in, watch free.