Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Newsflash with Robyn Schall

Episode Date: May 27, 2021

Today’s Grape Therapy is full of plenty of new and noteworthy information, no buts about it. Or, rather… lots of butts. First, Kaitlyn is solo on the mic back in Nashville to update the Vinos on her trip to Mexico and to answer questions about her engagement, wedding, and even babies. Then, former comedian and current anchorwoman, Robyn Schall, joins KB to make sure she stays in the know and fully informed. The two discuss a variety of notable news stories, one of which featuring a vegetable that you shouldn’t insert into your body, no matter how much you may want to. This, my friends, may be the most educational Grape Therapy yet.   You can find Robyn on IG at @robynschallcomic  APARTMENTS.COM - Go to Apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. HYUNDAI - Learn more at Hyundai.com GEICO - Go to Geico.com, and in 15 minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance GOODY’S - To purchase, go to Amazon and use code 1VINE to receive $1 off of a 4 count 6 pack RITUAL - OTV listeners get 10% off during their first 3 months. Just visit ritual.com/VINE to add Essential Protein today.  PLUTO TV - Download the free Pluto TV app on any deviceSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. We're on with OTV. Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy. Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your questions. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin.

Well, hello there and welcome to this week's grape therapy. I'm coming at you from Nashville this week, back from Mexico, which is obviously bittersweet, but it's definitely nice to be home with the pups. Obviously, I miss them. Ramen and Pino have the best freaking dog sitter. She's a house sitter, dog sitter, and my house cleaner. And she, like, sometimes when I leave, I worry that they love her more than me. because she is so incredible with them and she just spoils them and they get like the best

treatment. So I always feel good about that while I'm gone, but I was so excited to get home to them. I had to tell you, I'm sitting in my podcast room right now and I'm like, back, back to the scene of the crime. There's such different energy in this room. It's where the proposal happened. I just like sit in here now and there's, I always made this room like good vibrations. There's crystals. The lighting is perfect. I have candles. It's like my. my Zen ladies lounge and now it just has this even more of a loving energy in here which is I don't know it's just so different now I'm like looking to my left there's the ring box anyways okay I can't wait to see family again that was just pure magic it was incredible

it was emotional I loved every second I definitely need to see my sister and my dad and my niece and nephew because it was a little double date situation down in Mexico with just me, Jason, my mom and Rob. It was so much fun, but it made me realize how much I miss family and not seeing my dad and my nieces and nephews and my sister. I have to get my butt up to Canada as soon as humanly possible. Okay, I do have a plan to try and get there in July because I heard that if you're fully vaccinated and you cross the border, you might not have to do the two-week quarantine, which they usually have right now. So I don't know, fingers crossed that I will get to see that side of the family over in Canada.

I need to go back to the homeland. But it was so much fun having Mama Bee on the grape therapy last week. I feel like we just always have such a fun time together. She's such an incredible mom. Like she will come in the morning and like tickle my arms and cuddle and she'll be such a mom. She just wants to take care of everybody. But then she can like tear up the D floor and like, drink with me and have so much fun and we can talk about anything. It's, it's really, I'm,

so lucky to have that relationship with her. And she's just, she's just a really special human being. Anyways, today I'll be joined by another special woman who just makes me laugh so hard. I'm obsessed with her just demeanor, her energy, the one and only Robin Shaw. I hope you guys listened to my last segment with her news flash where she broke some extremely important news to me. And this is going to be a regular little segment, which I'm really excited about. So she's joining me later in this episode to tell me all the news and keeping me in the know. Until then, though, it's just going to be a little KB coming at you. Just me. I wanted to kind of just talk about what I've been up to. And I think everybody has questions now that, you know,

I am engaged. And it's so much different being engaged this time because obviously coming off the show, that's kind of the format of the show. You get engaged. But you don't really set a date. You're like, oh, let's just actually get to know each other and date. you don't really do the wedding planning. So already it's so fun to talk about like where we're going to have it, what month we want to have it, who's going to marry us? And like what is the theme going to be? And I'm like, I can't wait to talk to a bunch of the binoes because I know when I look at the Facebook group, there's so many engaged women out there and married women. And you guys will all have such good advice. I think my one thing I know is I want it to be like the great

Gatsby. I want it to be a black tie affair, but also like like a crazy. party. I don't know. I just have so many questions. If I have any questions about wedding planning, I'm coming to you listeners out there. So even though I've got to have the most amazing group therapy session with mom last week and excited to be home, I still had a lot of questions, actually, from my little vinos out there. And I don't think I had the chance to answer all of them when we recorded because I think we were just busy having too much fun and wine and talking about poop confessions and we are who we are okay sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i'll like i have chocolate on my face and be a little drunk and i'll be like why are you like this but really

i don't want to be any other way okay so i wanted to get some of those questions out there and answer them i put a text out to some of my community vinos to see what else you guys want to know about mexico maybe a little wedding talk just about life in general so let's get into that And a lot of vinos, including Michelle, wanted to know highlights of the trip in Mexico. I honestly, we did everything. I mean, we had the most incredible yacht ride where we jumped in the freaking water. It was so salty and amazing. And the weather was perfect.

And we had dinner and dessert and cake on this yacht. And we just danced and had so much fun and watched the sunset. We got to watch live jazz music. my mom and I just, I think my mom and my dad and my sister, we really grew up as a musical family. My dad's dad was a musician. My mom was a performer. My mom's dad was a performer. Haley and I have just really always bonded over music. And so mom and I got to, I mean, Rob and Jason were there too, of course, but we got to watch live jazz music. And it was just like, after the year we've had two years now, I don't know, where are we? What month is it? I don't know. But just spending quality. time with family and hearing live music did something to my soul that just reset me. And it was everything I ever needed. We did everything. I mean, we had pool days. We went to the beach. We listened to the waves. We played so many card games. Card games every single night. It was always

Rob and me against Jason and mom. I would say it ended up like between pickleball, golf and card games, I feel like we all like were pretty even on the winning streaks there. But it was amazing. Oh, I will just dream about that week for a very long time. Okay, so Aline said no pressure at all, but that's always what I'm like, so little pressure. Okay. But you and Jason have you come up with baby names? I talk about baby names all the time. I don't like, there's a couple I'll maybe share, but not right now. I don't know. I feel like that I got to like feel. I'm one of those energy people that I want to like feel what it feels like to be pregnant and know if it's a boy or girl. And like I want a name that can go any way. I want it. I don't know. I'm like, I feel like it's a lot of pressure naming your baby because what if they grow up and don't like the name and they want to switch it? That's up to them, in my opinion. I don't know. I'm going down a deep hole there. Okay, definitely got some questions about the wedding. Obviously, we just got engaged, but people want to know all the deeds. I feel like I've told you as much as I know. I think we want it to be around this time next year. Gatsby style, like super sleek. I just had the most incredible engagement party of my girlfriend, Kat. and her husband worth through for us like the setup was stunning these balloons from up up and away in Nashville were stunning this ricey co company they were a sushi catering company that comes to you and like does the most incredible job plating and like making all this sushi my mouth is watering him so hungry

right now it was incredible and then they had a DJ come to the house and we had a dance party I don't know if you guys have got this memo yet but I love dancing and I love music and it just does something to my soul. I'm telling you. Okay, Madison asked a very important question. Ramen and Pino, groomsmen or ring bears, both. I don't know. They'll just be there the whole time. Samantha wants to know, are you having a band or DJ at the wedding? Then she said, please say band. So now I feel like I can't say DJ. I want both. I really want Brett Kissel to play at my wedding. I haven't even asked him yet, but I want a band to start and then I want to just turn it up. I can't turn it up after the live band.

and, you know, get after it. Ariel or Ariel asked, was Jason acting differently in the days leading up to the proposal that maybe you had wondered what was going to happen? No, he's always kind of just like all over the place, like, got to do this, got to get this done, got to get this done, got to work, got to call this person, blah, blah, blah. And so it was just like pretty typical of him. He was acting a little weird once we sat down for the podcast, but I just assumed it was because there was cameras because I thought I was doing a promo for something.

and I was like, dude, I even said to him, I was like, relax. Like, it's just two videographers. Like, why are you so freaked out? And he was like, oh, no, I just like, I just want this to be good for you. So that was the only time I was, but I never in a million years thought it was because he was going to propose. Oh, God. We got the video back from the videographer. I can't wait to share some of that with you guys too is so special.

Okay, Kathy asked if we're going to have a longer short engagement. There's so much planning to do that I feel like a short engagement is a year. so as short as it possibly can be. Shana wants to know what my what my dream bachelor party would look like. Oh, dream bachelor's party. Gosh. Honestly, it would just be like my really close circle of girlfriends going to like

Napa or, I mean, Hawaii's far away for everybody, but just somewhere where we can just, I don't know. I don't really have a dream one. I should probably think about this. Okay, here's what I'll say. Why don't when I post about this podcast, on my off the vine page, you guys give me some recommendations for what a dream bachelor's party would look like to you.

And then I can get ideas. I'm always inspired by other people's ideas. Okay, Holly Ann said, I would love if you would talk about your hopes and dreams for marriage. You know what? I think what I, my hopes and dreams is always, I mean, what I've just thought about in a partnership that's for life is that I know there's going to be ups and downs. I know there's going to be hard times. I know there's going to be great times.

I know things change and they grow and sometimes there's steps backwards. And I think I just always want to have respect. Like I think respect is going to be the number one thing to talk to your partner. The way you talk to your partner in front of your kids, the way you talk about yourself in front of your kids, I just think respect is one thing I want to like really keep the forefront of my brain is respect, respect, respect. Because now this is your partner. And as long as you two respect each other. other, don't cross any boundaries that go to disrespect. I know that's bound to happen every once

and a while. But just by keeping that, you know, in mind at all times of having respect, I think that's really my dream. That sounds simple, but that's truly, I think, what makes a healthy relationship. Okay. On a different note, I got a great question from Abigail asking for some advice for someone who is beginning therapy that it's never gone before. First of all, I would like to say congratulations because your life is about to change for the better. I was saying this to Jason the other day. I said, Jason, therapy to me is, and he's such a believer in therapy too. I said, it's just like you have one life and one body and one home that you live in.

And that's yourself. Like you have one life to get to know yourself. Have identity. Like, know what makes you sad. Know what makes you happy. Know why you act the way you do. know how you react to things what you can work on grow like this is your your life and therapy just has done that for me and I think my advice would just be to really think about what has happened in

your life that has either caused trauma or shadows and really dig down into the why of why this happened and why this affects you the way it does and I would say learn your personality type do the enneagram test and really answer those questions honestly because I think if you take that to a therapist, hopefully they're educated in that, but you can really dive into your personality type and try and get yourself in a non-impaired way of thinking. It's really helpful. Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Okay, so I know that even though there's a lot going on in all of our lives, we try to stay up to date. And in the know, it's important to keep up.

There's a lot going on out there. So thankfully, I have my own personal anchor woman, Robin Shaw. I know you guys all thought she was a comedian, but she's actually gotten really into the news game. And she's here today to get us all up to speed so that we can go about our daily lives feeling fully informed. And per usual, I haven't been reading up on any of her news. So this is all going to be news to me. Okay? Let's get into it, Robin.

She got her glasses on. Welcome to Newsflash with Robin Shaw. You have sunglasses on your head, but your news anchor lady glasses on your face. We still need Robin, and I got my doing, don't you worry. Oh, my gosh, you look so fire. But I'm on the road, so I don't have your wine. I have a different wine. Wait, you're where?

I'm in L.A. Oh, oh, what do you, is anything fun and exciting happening out there, or can we not know? Business stuff, like, like business. Oh, it's such a business woman. Wait, I just watch your Instagram videos. We need to work on your opening bottles of wine skills. It's terrible. And actually, someone bought me an electric one because they're like, oh, is that, is that Pino or is that?

He's just standing awkwardly on the chair, like his legs are wobbling. I'm like, you can sit down. wait stop he likes to make a word heylin congratulations oh my god and thank you jason

for making sure this was all captured so the rest so us fans can experience it with you because I feel like we've been on the journey with you it would have been rude it would be rude if he did not I totally agree he didn't even like think that I was going to release that podcast

he thought I was just going to keep it like to have for my memory so we could have it forever. And I'm like, no, I'm sharing this with everybody. This is like the best because I was in such a good mood. And we were just having like the best energy and the best podcast. And we were just laughing and dancing. And then my reactions and his perfect words with me like just cussing every two seconds. It was perfect. The whole thing was perfect. And I'm just so glad we got to all be there and experience it. Because we've been on this journey with you journey for like what has it been like five years two and three oh it's been a long three wait wait oh i see what you mean like the journey of just knowing yes in um crystal's season

oh that was actually six years ago yeah so that's what i'm saying we have been on this ride with you with you know just like up damn less right so many ups and downs i that's what i said too i'm like they've like people who have been listening to this podcast have like been with me through heartbreak loss of a dog like finding the love of my life like all of these things that I agree with you it would have been rude if I didn't share rude yeah so rude for my brother's wedding his wife who I love by the way yeah I wanted to do a twilight of for her bridesmaids so what did I get stuck with salmon okay It's a beautiful color.

On some. On some. On a 4'11 curvy girl, I literally looked like a sap. Okay? So I, she agreed that after the ceremony, I could switch into black. And let me tell you, I only think I waited for the idues to get the flat dress on. You was like someone waiting in the wings for you with the black dress. In the wings, the rabbi was like, do you?

Yes. Do you? Yes. I just took up my salmon dress in front of everyone. I'm so happy for you guys Jason's wonderful you're wonderful and it's like so nice and wonderful people are like happy so sweet on behalf of all your vinos because I feel like I've been listening since day one I could speak for everyone we say we're so happy for you that is so sweet of you thank you for saying that it's so crazy how much can change in like the five years of six years whatever in life like from you know before I even went on the show thinking about where I was at my life. life to now and like being engaged and living in Nashville and like you just never know what life is going to throw at you it's wild so true so true and it also is a lesson like during heartbreak when you think like everything's hopeless really all it's doing is just opening up like making room

for something better it's so true like it's heartbreak is one of the worst feelings because it's such a sense of loss and the heartbreak is like the most painful thing but truly every like week gets better and by months later and then like a year later and then you look back on it and you're like I can't believe I was that low and like I survived and look where I am now. Like you thrive after because you can't go anywhere but up from your rock bottom. I remember I was like 22 and I just broke up with my first like real boyfriend of two years and I was looking at my parents' house and I was like two days out of the breakup and I'm like laying in bed in the dark my mom walks in. She's like, what are you doing in the dark? I said, mom, I'm depressed. She's like,

get over it. And it's been like 48 hours out of a two-year relationship. But it was the best advice. Like, just get over it. It hurts. It hurts bad. But you know what? Like, around the bend is like something so much better and happiness. So if you're, if you're having heartache in the words of my mother, get over it. You'll be fine. Get out of bed. You're okay. I'm like, it is tough love, and that's what we all need sometimes. Yeah, but anyway, congratulations. We're all so happy and excited to go on the wedding journey. Oh, my gosh.

I'm, like, such an overshare. I'm, like, going to do a live stream when my wedding is going on. Excellent. I'll hold the camera. Perfect. I love it. And I get so excited for your news flash segments because I just never know what I'm going to get. Oh, you're going to learn a lot today.

Really? Yes. Now, let me, I always like to do my. disclaimer so we don't get sued yeah I did no research no zero research was was happening on your part yes so when I say stuff half of it you know my input and I did no research to fact check so some of this just could be blatant lies so I like it so yeah no one sue us this is all allegedly like the lady gang says allegedly yeah so allegedly so are you right oh by the I know, you know, full transparency for the viewers, the listeners, we are recording early in the morning.

Yes. And you're drinking wine, and I'm so. That is my favorite combo. Do you know that? I love having, like if I go for brunch or whatever, I'm podcasting, I love the combo of glass of wine and coffee. And I used to like a Diet Coke in there, but since I had COVID, I can't drink any sodas anymore. It tastes like chemicals. Yeah, still.

Well, that's good. but I don't eat coke. And I would be drinking with you. I've got a smoothie going right now because I have earlobes surgery later, and they don't want me drinking the day of because of that fins out your blood. I haven't been able to have Advil in two weeks. I probably shouldn't have had wine last night, but I did. And now I got to get my earlobes.

What's your leg surgery? Well, I was just feeling really insecure about my earlobes. Like, what about them? Because like to the normal humor, they look fine. So what are you? Not if you look close. See how that holes ripped? Oh, okay. Is it ripped all the way through or is it closed?

It's closed, but it's the guy who's looking at them said, my earlobe surgeon said that those, that's going to rip any day, any minute, and I wear big earrings. And it might. When I'm wearing hoops, it like hangs and it looks so gross. So he's just basically slicing a triangle out of my earlobe and then sewing it all back together and then repiercing my ears. Okay, will he repierce it in the same time or do you have to wait until that heels and then? nope i get to just bring whatever earrings i want to wear for like the next week of healing okay yeah yeah well good luck on your earlobes thanks so when you see me next time you're like i don't even recognize you did you get your lobes i'm like oh wow your earlobs looks so

sexy what you do i'm like going to start a trend where girls are like getting their earlobes done i mean i actually feel like there was one reality show where someone did i think it was like the real housewife someone got their earlobes done before like not for my reason like they just wanted new year loaves oh no i think it was christ jenner actually i think it was on an episode of keeping up with the Kardashians no she did what you did like made the hole smaller yeah that's what i'm doing you know well all right speaking of holes we have a lot of butt stories today just so you know okay okay very on brand both of us yeah just two big assholes talking about butts

okay doctors are warning against putting potatoes in your butt okay so a lot of websites online have different home remedies for you know if you're for illnesses okay and it seems like online a lot of websites are saying if you have hemorrhoids to stick a potato up your butt as the home A full potato? Yeah. This is where you didn't do your research. It's probably like a slice of potato, like rub it on there. You're like, nope, stick a whole potato up your butthole and cancer is cured.

I'm amazing. Okay. Well, in the one article I read, it did say potato. It didn't say slice of potato. So I do think people are sticking potatoes up their butt. Okay. Thinking that it's going to cure hemorrhoids. Oh, hemorrhoids. Okay. Yeah. So hemorrhoids are, again, I didn't do full research, but I think it's like irritation of the tushy hole.

Yeah. Like I think a lot of women get hemorrhoids after they give birth because you like rip in areas. Right. I hope no one's eating during this podcast. Oh, this is a nice friendly dinner conversation. So what happened is people are sticking full potatoes up their butt right now trying to cure it. And so this one doctor, Dr. Gal, G-A-L, she's saying, don't do this because, you know, there's bacteria in a potato, and you should just, like, let it heal on its own, go get over-the-counter medicine. Also, now this is, I read this on a different article, like a couple of months ago, but you really shouldn't stick anything up your butt that doesn't have, like, a base because the butt is a vacuum. And a potato could get sucked right up. And then you'd have to go to the emergency room and explain why do you have a potato in your butt?

You can't just poop out a potato? I don't think so. I don't know. Your butt's a vacuum? I don't know. I've never stuck anything up my butt. I haven't stuck anything up my butt either, but from this article I read in the New York Times. I was like, get out.

in the New York Times. They said your butt is a vacuum. So anything you stick up there will get sucked right up. Wait, that was really in the New York Times? No. Okay, I was like, wait, you were really selling me on that. I mean, I don't think we needed Dr. Gal to tell us to not put potatoes up our bum. But I just, in case you saw it online, Caitlin, I didn't want you to think like that was a good idea.

Okay, thank you. Because usually when I see things like that online, if it's. like a life hack, I will try it. You really should get an emergency room, like, doctor or nurse on your podcast and ask questions, like, what are the weirdest things you've had to pull out of people? Because I bet you they have all sorts of stories. That's a great idea. I actually am, wait, is he, yeah, he's a doctor.

He's like literally on the show of the doctors. Travis Stork is coming on my podcast. And that's going to be, I'm going to add that segment in of what's the weirdest, like, things you've had to pull out of people's bodies. Yeah, because people. people like putting weird things in i mean i guess they don't know that new york times tells them their butts a vacuum i mean also i literally read that like so long ago and i think they use word vacuum but don't hold me to it it's like making me clenched right now i'm like clenching my butt

because i'm like so uncomfy this is off divine grape therapy flashing news stories. So ready. Do you ever side with criminals? Like, do you ever see a news story and go, you know what? I don't think he's that bad. Sometimes. Yeah.

Okay. This is how we feel about this article. A man was arrested. He was arrested for dating 35 women to get birthday gifts out of them. That's called The Bachelor. Yeah. I didn't think, okay. Caitlin, the story's about you.

Good. All right. So this is what happened. So this guy in Japan, his name was Takashi, was dating. Oh, wait, why did I think Japan? Oh, yeah, no, it was Japan. Okay, was dating 35 women and the women didn't know about him. And he was lying to all of them about his birthday so that he could get gifts all year round. And, but here's like the messed up parts. We said 35 women, but he only made $1,000 over the year in birthday gifts. But you spend more than that on one woman over the course of the years? What were these women getting him for his birthday? And what was he asking for? Like, if I were him, I would have my, I would have been dating richer women. Yeah. Because like that's not very like a thousand dollars over 35 women. I mean, I don't, I'm not a mathematician, but that really seems like that doesn't seem

very exciting. Like that I would be very disappointed in myself. If I had to keep up that many, I wouldn't be able to keep up that many lives in the first place. And then what happened when they all got together and realized this? Did they ask for their money back? No, they went to the police station and got him arrested, which is why I'm saying, I think it's a little, like this guy's, first of all, he's a shitty con man, because he only made it, I think he's $90,000 in the hole for how much money he's most of them back. So he's a shitty comment. Also, why is it illegal to lie about your birthday? Yeah, what is he charged with?

I didn't read the entire article. Oh, right, right. I am curious, I kind of want to have that guy on my podcast. I have so many questions. Follow-up questions. I'll send you the article. I mean, I don't know if he's out of jail, but he was, like, fully arrested for dating 35 women and lying to them about their birthday. Tell me his name.

If you type in 35 women birthday, but I'm sure I can. Oh, yeah, okay, got it. Yes. Oh, my gosh. he really was for allegedly defrauding allegedly defrauding at least 35 women by telling them he was wanted a serious relationship oh my gosh he netted nearly a nearly a thousand he didn't wait hold on let's do some math because i feel like i need to know his net worth is a thousand dollars no because he's in debt a thousand dollars the

divided by 35. So on average, each person spend $28. That means if he took each of them out once for dinner, he's in the hole. Like, it's even a terrible con man. Wow. That's, that's, I definitely need to talk to this person or like, I'm actually very intrigued by the story. Thank you for sharing it.

Yeah. I feel like we should, like, have pity on him, not arrest him. Yeah, like, I kind of want to start a go fund me for him. him. Like, he's clearly not the smartest man. I'm worried about him. Then it makes me think. Like, I've lied to men before. Like, sometimes you'll be like, oh, how many men have you slept with? And I'm like, one. Yeah. Always under five. Yeah. So, so then I'm like, oh, can I get arrested? Because I've lied to many men about that.

I've lied by my weight. Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this because someone's going to get arrested here delete the podcast delete oh man that's what's the craziest thing you've lost like not bad what's the craziest thing you've lied about like that's so stupid um

probably like how many drinks I've had it used to that used to be my like go-to move with my mom when I was like 18 years old and because in where I'm from Alberta 18 was the legal drinking age which is scary now to think about but I would come home and she would be like Caitlin and I would be like stumbling and I remember one time I actually remember seeing like two of her and she was like

and my go-to line was always like I only had one drink and she'd be like you can at least say two or three like you can't stand up you didn't have one drink and I'd be like no I swear I only had one drink and I'll still try and do that I don't know why I can't just admit if I'm feeling buzzed or like drunk. I'm always so defensive about it. Somebody would be like, oh, my God, you're drunk. I'm like, no, I'm not. Like, I'm just so defensive. And I can't just be like, yeah. I'm the opposite. Like, I'll have like two sips. I'm like, I have to announce to everyone I'm drunk. See, I like that though. That's better because you're just being honest. I lie about that when I don't need to. I'm trying to think what's the weirdest thing I lie about. I mean,

it's probably like food related. Like, oh, I like, I haven't eaten at all today. When it's really like, I missed lunch. And I had like three. breakfast, you know. Wait, I also, now that I'm looking at your glasses, I have lied and said for sure that minor prescription when they're definitely not, because I felt stupid. When you were a kid in school and they do the eye and ear chart thing, did you lie because you wanted glasses? Yeah, every time.

Me too. That's so scary. Like, how does the eye doctor know if you're lying or not? Yeah. I mean, it's probably because you're way off. And they usually, like, you know, if you see a three. and you say it's an E, okay, maybe we'll, you're probably like, um, Z. See, that girl was like a three, two.

Like pizza? Yes. Bicycle. They'll like it to let it. Yeah. Um, because you're right. I lied every year. I never got glasses.

You know, right? I only had emojis back in 1994. But that's so funny. And I bet you were not the only ones who did that. I bet you everyone's like, oh my God, I lied to know. 100%. All right, you ready for our final news story? This is actually very scientific.

Okay. All right. Yeah, you need to... There's no sunglasses. Wait, I didn't even realize there's not lenses in there. I thought it was just like... Like, you'd wear those out because they're trendy. Did you just pop the lenses out of sunglasses?

No, they just seem like this. Oh my God, that's so funny. For those who are just listening, I have glasses on, but there's no glass in them. There's no lens, and she just poked her eye through them. And after she adjusted them to read her next story. Yeah. All right. This is like a medical breakthrough.

This is huge. Scientists have realized that mammals in dire situation can breathe through their tushy. wow it is a lot of butt talk so they can breathe like survive yeah so what they realized was okay I'm gonna get very scientific on you okay I actually found this interesting so I read 80% of the article oh okay okay so in the tushy

there are like blood there's like cells I'm clenching again okay and like blood cell like veins okay and Okay. Everyone's not eating. They already did a long time ago. So that's why, you know how sometimes they give like animals or like medicine through the tushing? It's because there's a lot of blood cells in there. So then these these doctors were like, well, if we can give medicine to these blood cells, why can't we get them oxygen?

So they tested this on rats, mice, and pigs. We haven't tested on humans yet because I mean, that's a little awkward. Yeah. I'm like, how do you do it? Jason, we have to do an experiment. Please come in. Okay, so, yeah, so they realize, like, okay, these mammals can get oxygen through the tushy, which is really great because, let's say, let's say someone's like can't breathe and they can't get a ventilator and there's like, like a blockage in the throat, then now they're like,

oh, we could get air through the tush. Okay. So pigs can do this. Do pigs, mice, and rats know how to do this? Like, is there a way to learn? No. They were just doing the study on them. The hope is to do it on humans. So that's why I was calling Jason. I wanted to turn these. I am so confused. Like oxygen will come in and out like you're breathing through your lungs, but through your butt holes. but through your butt hole. Okay, not in an out.

So let's say in a dire situation, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, right? And they can't get a ventilator. They can put like an oxygen tank on your butt and get oxygen in that way. So you can't find a ventilator, but you can't find an oxygen tank to put up your tush. Okay, fine. They could be a ventilator, but let's say there's a blockage. They can't get into the front. Yeah, there's like a bottle.

blockage in your throat so they're like oh no we can't get air through the throat pull down in the pants we'll get it through the butt oh okay I will you be the guinea pig for this I just thought jason would be better he's in he's in Boston right now otherwise I would get him I think we wait I don't get the guinea pig but now here's my question to you let's say someone you love dearly is choking and you have to or they do die. Like, give the mouth to butt. Mouth to butt.

Would you do it? Ah! Oh my God, what a great question. Someone you were going to die. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I would. But look, I'm thinking of some of the people in my life.

It's so uncompy. I keep getting so uncompy. My butt cheeks are so clenched. And I really want to give mouth to mouth to anyone. I'm just really looking forward to my larazepan that I get to take before. I love surgery because I need to relax. I told you. This was a lot of bud talk.

It was not up to me. I mean, these were given to me. Right. I was like, yeah, right. You've had this list of things. You've wanted to talk about this for years now and I've finally given you the safe place to do so. Well, that's because all of the confessionals, I feel like you always have. So many peoples are butt related, right?

So much butt stuff. Even my good friend, Brett Kissel, who was just on, he was talking, how much he doesn't like butt stuff and it like really makes him uncomfortable and he had to get a colonoscopy like why are there something very uncomfortable for people when it comes to the now i know why because it's a vacuum and that's a dangerous territory if there's a vacuum down there that you aren't aware of what could go in and not come out you know people are going to write in and be like it is not a vacuum robin has no clue what she's talking you definitely have like nurses and doctors that are fans of yours,

you're going to be like, look, we're going to need a major disclaimer from everything wrong. I'm literally Googling is a butthole like a vacuum. Yeah, I'm very curious. Wait, urban dictionary says, the instance of the anus achieving a vacuum effect. In outer, oh, in outer space, it is the black hole. In humans, it is the anus.

It is the moment usually, okay, I'm, I can't say it all loud I can't you say what it's the moment usually after

a fart is expelled the ass inhales air thus creating a vacuum effect with practice

one can continue farting for minutes at a time through circular breathing through the aus

best achieved while bent over on all fours and relaxed one may find extreme discomfort while the ass vacuum effect

occurs while swimming. Oh. This is, this is all a lot. There is a lot to think about it on pack here when it comes to the butthole and I've never been more intrigued by it. It's, it's a part of the body that we need to explore a little more because I think we're all afraid of it and now I get why. Yeah, yeah. I know that this may be your most educational episode. I mean, anytime we do these, I feel like people are going to leave feeling smarter for having listening to this podcast. Either smarter her so much stupider.

Wait, I have the perfect clip for us to play. What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought? Everyone in this room is now dumber. for having listened to it.

I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. Oh my God. That's the segment. That's this entire segment. That is just, we start and we act like we look and know

what we're talking about. Yeah. We tell the stories and then we end with that. Yeah. Especially because I think people look at us as like two bright women who have it together and really like contribute

to the internet space when really we're just a bunch of idiots talking about buttholes being vacuums yeah and we defend um a guy who dated 35 women and is in the hole by 90,000 I'm reaching out to him I hope he has Instagram I hope so too maybe he's single you know what maybe maybe he's single and I can bring him on as the next dating like find him a match and we're going to get him. Oh, are you in? I'll date him. Look, I'll date him only because, like, I feel like I can help him.

Oh, you're one of those. Yeah, I like, you know, I'm a fixer. Yeah, okay. Okay, well, then you're the perfect match for him. And, like, you're, and you're Insta Famous now, so you can pay the bells and more than a $28 gift. Yeah. I will spend $38 on his birthday, yeah. Yeah, Max.

Excellent. Well, well, Caitlin, that was newsflash. by Robin Shaw. I'm so glad that we talked today because my day is completely changed. I thought I had a way that today was going to go, and now you have flipped my world upside down, and I'm not quite sure how to finish the stay the way I thought it was going to go. You thought it was going to be all that earloat.

And now... Little did I know. That's what old. Yeah. Oh, God. I freaking love you. you. You're the best. I love these segments. And thank you for informing us all on this important education. My pleasure. And again, on behalf of all the Vino's, congratulations. We're so happy for you.

Thank you. I'm so happy to share it with everybody. I feel like it's our engagement. All of us. We'll take it. You're the best. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune to hear new mini-sauzeau. every Thursday, and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday, exclusively on Podcast1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's that with OTV?