Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

Kaitlyn catches up with stand-up comedian, actress, producer and radio/podcast host Nikki Glaser in New York! Giggle along with these gorgeous gals as they reminisce about meeting on Kaitlyn's season of the Bachelorette, Nikki shares her perspective as a single woman looking at men's dating profiles and Nikki relives the heartbreak of Dancing With The Stars while pumping Kaitlyn's tires to give it a shot. Custom Ink - Visit www.CustomInk.com/vine to get 10% off your next order! Third Love - Get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ThirdLove.com/VINE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy. Caitlin Bristow is going to answer your question. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything. Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin. Welcome to Great Therapy. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting. I am so excited for today's guest. And we've been trying to coordinate this podcast for a long time, I feel like. We've been trying to get together a while. So I'm happy that our schedules align today in New York City. Yay. In this weird little meeting room in this hotel with one microphone that we're going to pass back and forth. Please welcome stand-up comedian, actress, writer, producer. and podcast host, Nikki Glazer. Thank you for having. This is like straight interview style because I'm holding the mic and then I pass it. I feel like this is like the 1970s journalism.

Like you're doing an expose to expose some kind of, I don't know, thing you've been working on for months. And I'm the one that's going to give you the interview that's going to break everything. Well, I really feel important. You guys aren't watched. I mean, you can't see this. But Caitlin has to like put the mic in. my face like I don't think I've ever done a podcast like this I've never done a podcast like this

and I'm not drinking wine so it just feels weird there's a fan going in the background here that we should probably see if we can turn off oh yeah there like it's just I've how many times do you think already today I've said shit show um I think this is the fifth time if we're actually counting yeah oh I thought it was like the 10th I'm just a functioning shit show all the time you never appear to be and that's the thing I like about you so much is that I know that you are because you talk about being one but when I look at you on Instagram I don't see that ever even when you are showing your like shit shows sides and still like wow she's still so cute and perfect like um but it is nice to know that you are one

and I've seen it in the flesh today today you are seeing it I you know what I am I'm like I'm like a duck like on on the surface like you see this duck just going but underneath the legs are just like like going nuts that's me i'm a duck you're such a duck i've always said that about you i've never thought that about you but now i know yeah see i'm a total duck i'm gonna come up with some sort of like like like like a picture for that or like a video like where i'm just like doing a little side by side like of me just like you know you see me on stage and i'm doing my podcast and then behind the scenes i'm like like freaking out and crying i've never heard the analogy of the duck with like it's wild underneath but up here it's placid and still um and yeah yeah i see it

today i mean i was out until three in the morning uh then i tried to do a boxing class almost i didn't know if i was going to shoot my pants or throw up it was one of the two and they put me in the front row i don't know why he was like oh you're new oh and i was like yeah put me in the back he puts me right front and center and so i had to show off and i was up And I was like, oh my gosh, this is going to be such good podcast content because I'm going to, you know, we confess on this podcast. And so I'm going to have to say that I shit my pants in this boxing class. And you did you do either. I did not.

I made it through and just, I was so sweaty and like gagging and it was just a real treat. Like, again, shit show. Wow. How did you get? So you were out till three and then you did, what time did you do a boxing class? It was noon. Actually, it was noon 30. No, 30.

Oh, yeah. I forget that we're like way. well into the day now. Okay, but I'm still proud of you for doing that. I'm actually very proud of myself because better than getting a workout in when you're in the middle of it and you go, I want to quit. I shouldn't be here. And you go, if I get to the end of it, I am going to feel so rewarded. My friend once said, she goes, I have never left the gym and been like, why did I do that? And when you think about things in life that you can point to that you never leave and go, why did I do that? We should do those things all the time.

good point and there's i've never worked out and been like i shouldn't have done that i've never read a book and been like why did i read that but yet these things are so hard to do why is that because they suck in the middle of it in the thick of it you want to you want to quit but i actually like usually i enjoy boxing because um i've learned that i'm a little bit of an angry person okay we have to tell people too where we first met oh my gosh we met on the bachelorette first episode or one of the first episodes. It was the first group date. It was your, when you had already become the The Bachelorette, it was the first group date and half of the guys went to the Improv Comedy Club to learn how to do stand-up comedy. Amy Schumer was there. She brought me,

Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett to like, along with her and you to like coach these guys on how to do stand-up and then they perform stand-up and then whoever won won a date. I don't even remember who won. I don't either. I don't know. They were all bad. They were all really bad And I was good You were good You killed, you did kill I remember that

I remember thinking like I was so cool Because I went back to your guys's table And you guys were like That was actually really good Caitlin oh my God I'm remembering it so much Because we all thought you would bomb

And that you would be You would be fine Because everyone Like they have the Bachelor Nation Kind of fill in the crowd And it was a day show Which is not good for anyone And we just thought

You thought you would do fine Because everyone's excited to see you And they're gonna laugh And anything you say but you were actually legitimately funny and that's what was annoying to all of us because we're like we don't need this girl who's already like the Bachelorette

to also be funny that's what's annoying about you and like Jennifer Lawrence and all these people that you're like they're beautiful and they're funny it's just like you don't need to be funny because you've got everything else going on but thank God you are

I mean it's because I grew up an ugly child it honestly is that is that you it's not it's a real thing people that are cute from the get go don't need to develop personalities and then they get older and we all age and we all lose beauty and then they're they're aging and not funny and it sucks for them i will say that i've had this conversation with my girlfriend because she's funny too and and we're like god thank god we have personalities because like you know getting old sucks it blows i'm sick of it Okay, I'm sick of it too, and there's nothing we can do about it. There's nothing, I mean, there's things we can do, but, like, and I am, I resent all of them. I'm sick of it. I don't, I, I saw a picture the other day where it was, like, this Asian couple that met when they were 15, they took a picture on their first date in front of, like, this statue, and then 50 years late, or, like, it was, like, something like 70 years later.

They had been married forever. They took a picture of the same statue, and it was, like, them 50 years later or whatever, and it was like, isn't, like, isn't, love beautiful and I was like no aging is depressing that's all I can see in this thing is that her kneecaps were like so like her kneecaps are so gross now and aging is gross and people are like isn't it beautiful and I'm like I don't know I'm still so wrapped up in it I try and get down with the aging and being like okay like obviously I'm like Botox is great but I try and be like you know we're lucky if we get to live another year but deep down I'm like I don't like it I don't like No, I don't either. And when I remember when Barbara Bush died, all the pictures of her were like the Barbara Bush we all know like old. Right. And I'm like she was once my age and like probably had a picture taken where she looked like decent as a young woman. But we don't know where those are. And I'm like, oh, if I reach Barbara Bush's age and I die, there will be no pictures of me now. It'll be all me at Barbara Bush age. And it's like, why can't you pick the picture that is next to your goddamn casket and that gets plastered all over the.

the news so that you can be remembered the way that you want to be that, but okay, when you die, I'm going to make sure that it's the hottest picture ever shown of you. Thank you so much. I would totally trust you to pick out the picture used of me and every news outlet.

Thank you so much. I will do the same for you and make sure it is a great picture. It'll be the one from today of us. Yes, yes, it'll totally be, yeah, because we die doing this podcast. All right, guys, there are two things I can always rely on to support me. My Vina and my third love bra.

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Third Love knows there's a perfect bra for everyone, so right now they're offering my listeners 15% off your first order. Go to thirdlove.com to find your perfect fitting bra and get 15% off your purchase. That's thirdlove.com slash fine for 15% off today. You look really cute today. And I'm like told you how I had boxing class and didn't brush my teeth. So I had to do like a documentary before this. So I was on camera for that. And I wanted to look cute for this because we're going to take a picture probably.

And then it's like you got a lot of hot guys on watching you. And I'm single and got to put myself out there. You should date a bachelor guy. Listen, I'm trying. I've been trying. I love bachelor guys. I've been in that. I've dipped my tone.

in the world first on your episode and then I've become friends with a lot of people through different Bachelor podcasts those guys are so hot and they're they're fame hungry so I'm like I can give them kind of that a little like the fame, more famous I get the more I can get in with them.

Listen, I'm trying is what I'm saying. I was in love with Ben Higgins like legit in love with him from the second I saw him on screen I was so upset because I looked back on the episode that we did on your show and they split your all the guys that were vying for your love into two groups and he wasn't in the group that day and and I didn't know him at that point and you know I wouldn't have gone after him on your episode but I'm just like I could have planted a seed you know I could

have just been like but I didn't meet him turns out he's like he's in love now and like in a good relationship I've seen it on Instagram but I've been secretly in love with him from afar for so long so what was it like to kiss him he was actually a great kisser he he he surprised me because on camera I think he tried to be like really like perfect Ben and that became his nickname the perfect Ben on the Bachelor

but like when the cameras were off he's a little saucy like a little edgy really oh my God that makes me like him even more and by the way I tried to get in with him like I talked to one of the producers and I was like hey we're friends can you set me up with Ben I really think he's cute and you can tell that he probably

did go to Ben and was like hey this girl likes you and and the natural thing for what would happen next is he would follow me on Instagram and then we would DM each other. That's what I saw and then we get married and all this stuff would happen. There was no followback. So I just assumed that's how you know if a guy's interested in you. If he's number one, if he follows you back or like if he follows you and then there's a DM slide. And then the number one indication is he watches your stories. Oh, that's so true. But did you even try to slide into the DMs?

No, I don't initiate anything. I've given up on initiation. complete really yeah yeah come after me but i feel like ben is the kind of guy who you'd have to slide into his really okay well when his this relationship inevitably fails which they always do actually he seems very in love right now but that's the honeymoon phase and it's instagram we all yes you're so right after what is that reminds me of ben he's one of adam's best friend who's adam that's your boyfriend okay well um he's really cute I'd entertain it Thank you so much

But he's not a Bachelor guy Yeah You know but those I don't know I just I just I like to get to know a guy Before I even Like if you were to set me up with this guy That you just showed me

I would be nervous to go set up with him Because it would be all under the I would have to get to know him in that moment And what if I don't like him You know and then I'm on a date with him And I have to go on this date with this guy I don't like That's why I like the Bachelor guys

Because I'm like I feel like I know them And then I could just go on a date with them and be like, I already know you. That's why I'm constantly on riot. And I'm look, I'm not looking for new guys. I'm not, I'm looking for guys that I already know from TV or from pocket. Like, is Raya, is that what it's called Raya? Celebrity, in quotes.

How do they, how do they, how do you get on that? Like, you have to apply and like they have to, you have to, you have to have like so many articles written about you or something. I don't know. I think it was all about like your Instagram at first. And now it's like, I've had to approve my friends that are asking, you have to like, be friends with someone who's already on Raya and they have to give you a

co-cola. But the thing is, Raya is not celebrities. I thought it was like going to be like just this. I heard Joshua Jackson was on it and I have seen him on there, but there's not many Joshua Jackson. There's like a couple famous people on it. Most of it is just, I call it Raya is just DJs jumping off

of yachts because it's just guys posting pictures of themselves jumping off of yachts that they don't own. Is that a thing to post a picture jumping off a yacht? Oh yeah. It's a common thing that you see on Raya is like guys like on yachts jumping off of yachts like doing

the worm at a wedding being at a picture with Emily Radajowski like people just throw one guy I just saw in Raya had like Gigi Hadid like on his shoulders and it's like all these like it's all DJs that are friends with supermodels but like aren't banging them

and they use them as like look I'm friends with this beautiful girl even though she wouldn't fucking touch me in a million years but will you? People do that on like tinder and stuff now like people send me screenshots and they'll be like yeah they'll either use my picture or they'll like have met me one time and use a picture like oh look i'm friends with katelyn from the bachelorette and then they'll be like like my cousin actually did it he put me a picture of me and him he's smart yeah he's smart because guess what if i

see you in a picture with your cousin i'm like oh wait he either knows her or she approves of him i love her so he must be cool and now it gives me a reason to talk to him it gives me a thing that I can be like you know Caitlin from the you know like it's a it's a way of peacocking it's a segue it's a peacock move yeah you're like a feather boa or ski goggles you're just an accessory that guys use to get girls to talk to them I mean I'm not yeah I'm not mad at that because if it turns into a beautiful relationship hey I was part of that yeah exactly I do it after shows when I take pictures guys make jokes like, because I do a bunch of jokes about guys' profiles, because they're just garbage.

Like, the fact that any of these guys get laid based on their profiles is disgusting to me. And, guys' profiles are the worst because guys don't take pictures of themselves. They don't have girlfriends being like, you look so cute right now, just hold still. So guys have, like, two pictures of themselves, which isn't enough because

it's all based on the picture. And then they write something stupid, like my hobbies are whiskey and tacos. And it's like, those aren't hobbies. Those are nouns. Like, and just write nothing. No girl has ever been like, I don't want to fuck this guy And then in the middle of a left swipe Been like, but his mom says he's cute

Or whatever he writes about his mom No one's ever been You've never changed your mind by them writing some quippy things So I always just say write nothing Have pictures of yourself like at a wedding Where you're like it's a candid shot You're in a suit Not doing the worm

Don't do the worm Because I know you think you're posting that And you're like, she's gonna think I'm the life of the party And I'm like no, you're the liability of the party. You're the guy I bring to a situation. You're the guy I bring to a concert. And in the middle of the slow song, a Dave Matthews concert, you go

I love you, Dave! Have you ever been with the I love you Dave guy where you're like, oh my God, this fucking idiot decides to scream out during a song about Dave's dead sister? This isn't the time. Know the context. And also, you're not going to be on the live album. I know you think

you're famous right now. Listen to Trippin'Billies. the gorge. I'm the dude who screams. Oh, there's so many of those guys. So many. And Dave hates you. I always want to go, Dave hates you. I know you just said I love you. Dave hates you. That's so true. But you know Dave hates those guys.

Yes. Yes. Anyone who shouts out, it's just like, but these guys with these profiles, so after the shows, they'll always make jokes of like, I'm going to put this picture in my profile. I'm like, do it. You'll actually get more from this than you will you posting with your niece whose face you've scratched out because you want to conceal

her identity. But that really just looks like, You are posting a creepy picture from your, you know, solo trip to Thailand. Why is that child's face blacked out? This looks like you're doing an illegal activity. Some guys were like, this isn't my kid. It's like easy, bro. I don't care if it is. People who are guys are so weird.

My gosh. I feel like that's just, that should be like a segment on your podcast where you like describe their profile picture and then come up with your own bio for them. That's such a good. idea. I really, I go, I've done swiping on these apps because I just cannot, I've never been, I run into guys that I've banged on these apps and I go, I would never have banged you based on this. This is a terrible representation of who you are. Yeah, like, you're not, you're doing, how is anyone going to fuck you? Like, they're doing themselves a disservice. You need, you need to

hand your profile over to a girlfriend of yours who's also on these apps because she'll be able to give you a good idea of what you're doing wrong. Because you're doing wrong. doing everything. Guys don't know how they're represented on these things. Oh my gosh. That is funny. This is so new. I learned something too from doing these apps. A male perspective is that a lot of times my biggest fear in going on and doing online dating or whatever it is was that my picture, I would mislead someone by posting too hot of a picture and then they see me in person and they're like, yikes. My biggest fear, right? It's your biggest fear. So I led with very representative pictures

where I was like this is me like there's no way that this is false advertising like this is me but then I realized that every girl is lying in their pictures

like especially the first picture you gotta come out like bam like it has to be you have to be the hottest you've ever looked in a lying way in your first picture

because if you're not then guys think that your first picture that you've done picked as a representation of you is the best you can do and they go, oh my God, if that's the best, so you have to put in a picture like that. And it changes everything when you do. Okay, 60 seconds. That is exactly how long this commercial

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check out true car today. Okay, online dating seems more challenging than being the bachelorette. Like, this just seems like a big job. What's the, what's the craziest celebrity you've met on Raya? What is that, is that what it's called Raya? Yeah, it's Raya. Who have I matched? Oh, you know, I matched with the lead singer of Counting Crows.

And then he messaged me, hi, Nikki. And I never wrote back because I was just like, like too scared to deal with it even though because he's too old for me and like I don't want to date a musician but I love The Counting Crows so much and like as high school me is like Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows

you match with them so like those kind there's those kind of celebrities on there you're just like I just want to match with them to just know that I was going to say that's like a little ego booster like that you know oh just knowing that he's you know looking at you and wants to go on a date you're like that's enough for me that's all this is it's like

I get matches and then I get the endorphins of the match, but I never follow through on it because meeting anyone and having actual intimacy is terrifying. And that's why I would love to go in The Bachelorette. Because I've been dying to be the Bachelorette. It's a true dream,

I think, to be, I just want to have everything I do on, I'm much more comfortable being myself on camera or microphone than I am on a date with no cameras or mics. I just want to date in front of cameras. Why don't you just have, your own series of you dating

like The Bachelorette Well, I have been, I've asked so many times to do The Bachelorette and they just keep going, you'd be too picky which means I'm too old and I get it I'm 34, it's done for me I can't do The Bachelorette so you're right I've already, I'm pitching actually

dating shows where I'm like, I'll do it myself if you won't let me know. Wait, that's amazing because I would definitely watch that. Thank you. Definitely watch that. I'm going to be getting fingered. I'm going to like there's going to be I'm going to be hooking up. I'm going to be,

and which is what I loved you about you that I got fingered. I mean, I assume you did. I assume you caught some stuff. Like caught in a good way, caught a finger, caught some D. But that's what I loved about you. You broke the mold and were like actually a single woman doing what everyone would want to do in that scenario, which is like. I didn't really know how to do anything else.

Like I didn't under, I was like, wait, if I have this opportunity, I'm going to do it the way I'm going to. I would really do it. Can you believe you went through that? Do you ever, like, reflect and just go, what the f*** was that, dude? I can't even reflect. Like, I can't, my brain, like, doesn't allow me to go there. When I think about it, I just have a full-blown panic attack and, like, can't function.

Like, my brain actually doesn't let me think about it. It really? Like, are you watch it now, though, right? Do you ever think about yourself? Like, I was doing all, I've been through all this. Is it hard to watch now for you? It was. Just, I think.

Becca's season was the first one that I could watch and actually enjoy it without having, like, post-traumatic stress. Oh, my God. And what originally got you to be on the show? Like, one of my girlfriends signed me up to be on The Bachelor, and she was like, they'll take, like, two Canadians. You should try. And so she sent in everything for me. And then it was for one Pablo season. And then they called me a year later for Chris Sol's season.

And then he dumped me. and I became The Bachelorette. Oh, my God, you getting dumped in that sorry. Dude, I'll never forget. And I told you this when we did, and you don't remember, because I had to make a point, because I'll never forget, you sobbing but responsibly putting on your seatbelt. Still, I was like she still cares about safety,

even though she is devastated right now and just sobbing in that beautiful dress. And you look so beautiful in that scene. But I just remember you going like, it's not fair, but like working on the seatbelt and trying to get trying to get it to work but crying it was the realest shit I've ever seen and I was like because I care about seatbelt safety so much I'm always paying attention and so when you put that seatbelt on I was like I fucking love her so much because you know what she's going to survive this because she's got a goddamn seatbelt on so emotionally physically she's getting through this it was for wait that's actually that was deep

Oh shit, man Oh God That's actually so funny Because I remember Like struggling with it too A little bit Like needing to get it on And I was just like

Come on see about like not now It was such a good moment Because it was just It made it so real to me And I wasn't worried about you Like that that showed me That she's seeing beyond this Like most girls

You just be like I just want to get in a wreck I don't even care anymore You know when you're getting broken up with And you think everything's over you're like, I just walk into traffic, but you were like, still putting on your seatbelt, you're still, you're like, I get to meditate really quick. You're, like, taking care of yourself. That's actually really funny.

And I saw a therapist right after, like, you, like, pull in, the car pulls in to, like, your hotel where you have to go pack up your things. And a therapist is, like, waiting for you in there to, like, talk to you. Is it Neil Lane? He just does it all. You're like, you're like, you're not getting that. No, and the therapist was like, why are you crying? And I was like, because I just got dumped. And she was like, oh, Caitlin, he would have bored you to death anyways.

And she got fired for saying that. No, but I'm sure she was just too real with people. But that is such a good point. Wait, who was the guy? I forget. Chris Soles. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Dude, isn't it so funny because I related to your experience when I did Dancing with the Stars because I did it this past season. I was, I got first voted off and it was, I like to say it that way. I did. I got asked to leave first and it was truly more devastating that I could have ever imagined. Like when I signed up for the show, if you would have been like, you're going to get first voted off. I'd be like, ah, that doesn't seem great, but who cares?

It's a dumb dancing show. I'm not going to care. I cared so much. And you eventually get over it, I've heard, but I'm not. I'm still like so. I loved it so much and I and and we're on a reality show and I can only imagine if you're at the point where you're like uh what what I mean at what point were you were you asked to leave I mean you were it was down to four women three three okay that I don't know if I could function afterwards I mean how I cared so much being the 13th place on a reality dance show with if it if love was at stake yeah I mean dude it it was actually really devastating like in that mom moment. And I remember thinking like, oh my gosh, I'm that girl that I always made fun of on The Bachelor. I'm like, oh, my God, you didn't even like the guy. Like, come on. Get over it. Like, why are you crying that hard? And I'm like, I'm that girl right now. And fully accepting it. But I can't, I feel like, is it a little bit of a like ego thing or did you just enjoy it so much? Because to me, part of it was ego. I was like, this is embarrassing. No, it was a completely, I remember looking at the floor, knowing that Tom Bergeron was about to say Nikki and Gleb because he was like, the first couple voted off Dancing with the Stars. And then there was. up he waited like 30 seconds before he said our name and I just knew and I was like he's

going to say Nikki and Club Nicky and clip and I'm looking at like the floor I remember like the floor slat I was looking at and I was like you're on live TV and you're on a dance show and you tried really hard which is humiliating and you're in a fucking leotard and Aaron Andrews is about to be like oh I'm so sorry you're leaving even though she never talked to me offstage or even looked at me so I'm sure she was just busy um but But, you know, and I'm sure she didn't know I was on the show, even though I was in a fucking two-two and walked by you a million times on a show where you could have said hi to me, but shows not to. And then you're going to pretend that you're sad that I'm leaving. Yeah, shade.

No, but, like, that whole thing of, like, it's embarrassing. It is embarrassing to try. That's the thing. If I would have not tried, when people do that show and they just, like, don't show up for practice, I fucking tried my hardest. And to be asked to, just to know that there are people that are going to. do you that aren't as good, not good at dancing, but not as, like, passionate and don't deserve it. It's all this deserving. So it is ego. But is it special political, like, do they have little behind, like, do they know who they want to win or like, do they help it in any way? Or is that,

is it pretty true to what it is? Here's the, here's what I can glean from it. I think it's, it does come down. They cannot legally, um, I think it is half of the voting scores and half of how America votes. However, the show has been on 27 seasons. So they know based on how they get the judges to grade your performance and what the judges say and how they present you in a package and how they present you when they put it all together. They can, they know how America will vote based on those things. So they can skew the votes based on how they put it together. And that is how I think I got eliminated because let me tell you the first episode, I did my dance and I didn't fall. That's all I wanted to do was not fault. Like I got it. I didn't miss any steps terribly. I wasn't a good

dancer, but like I got through it and I'd never dance before. So what I did based on what I could do going in was leaps in like I showed more improvement than anyone on the show, but by far if you would have seen from beginning to end. But because I'm not a good dancer, they tore me to shreds the judges. And I didn't know. I was like happy. I was happy with my. I was like, oh, I did good. And then they go, because I go, I'm a dancer. And of course I was joking because I'm not a dancer. And they go, you are not a dancer. You never will be. You never have been one.

That was sloppy. You looked all. What did he say? He said, my biggest fear was being told that I was awkward. And Len goes, you looked awkward. The whole thing was awkward. And I was just like, I'm a 34-year-old woman in a red sequined onesie, like a bathing suit, essentially on TV next to the hottest guy who's ever talked to me, let alone touch me. And now I'm being called awkward, a bad dancer.

It was humiliating. They were so mean. So then America votes based on what the judges say. And I'm being nothing but nice because I want America to like me. And everyone's like, Nick, you get away from the sex humor. Like this is ABC, Disney. And so I was like, I said that to me too. I want to be just so well behaved.

I just want to be whatever they want me to be. So the judges were saying the things. And I was like, thank you. I will. And they know better than me. So I was going to take their note and apply it the next night. We had to perform two nights in a row. And whatever they said...

You didn't have that opportunity? Well, I did. I did, and I did the dance the next night, which the dance the next night was essentially the same dance because I couldn't learn two dances. So he just changed the music and, like, changed a couple steps. I, like, can't dance for shit. So he knew what he was doing. Glad my partner.

So he gave me the same dance. I did it. The dance was shit the next night. The first night, I felt really good about it. Like, I got not good, but it got through... The second night, I was like, oh, that was whatever. I f***ed it up, but who cares? I go to Judge's table.

I'm ready this time to like, because I know that they were just so mean to me the night before and I wasn't ready to be mean back. But I'm like, that's my talent. It's being fucking funny and mean and roasty. So the next night I had lines prepared for every one of the judges after they said something mean. And I didn't throw the dance in any way to then be mean. But then they were so nice to me because they were told by producers that they knew I was leaving. So they were not going to kick a horse when she's down.

And so they were like, the last night the dance controlled you. denied. You controlled the dance. And I was like, no, I didn't. I don't even know dance. And I know what I just did was shit. And now you're lying to me and being nice because you know I'm going to get kicked off. Fuck you. But instead I had to be like, thank you. They've done this. He's so nice to me. And then they fucking voted me off. And I was so angry because I just love the show. I mean, bottom line, I can say all I want about like how they kicked me off and how I'm bitter about it. But I'm only so upset because I loved it. I loved it.

I love reality TV. I'm sad. I feel like you're supposed to be on it longer. Like, I feel like that, yeah. I loved it. I truly loved that show for everything it was. And I really wanted to become a good, better dancer. The way that I improved from the day one to the first show, you know, the first show in which I was voted off immediately as soon as they could get me off.

I worked so hard. And I would have gotten better. I would have, if I got good in that amount of time, it would have given me confidence to then be so much. better I mean you know it would have been like the underdog like everyone would have been rooting for you because they would have they would have like watched how you grew so I think literally you know why it was mostly embarrassing Caitlin was because I I really didn't want to get first footed off because I said in interviews leading up to the show like they would be like what are your goals for the show and I'm like to bang my partner which he was married so I could that was eliminated immediately I was like aren't you supposed to fall in love with your partner and bang them on this show like isn't that the untold truth of that? this show that everyone falls in love with their partner. And I'm not allowed, like, I can't. He's married and, like, and not interested.

But, like, even so, like, off, they gave me the married guy. Even told the producer on the phone, I'm like, my goals are, I want to bang my partner. Like, I want to bang a hot dancer. I want to have, like, an intense relationship based on us, like, like, working together. I've never been, I had just gotten in a relationship where I didn't get touched, like, in five years as much as I got touched in half a practice with club. I mean, like, I was in a relationship where I was just not effective. He's not a touchy guy, you know, like I signed up for it.

I'm not judging him, but that's what I, in my love language is like touch and money. And so then I was thrust on dancing with the stars and I was like, oh my God, I'm going to fall in love with my partner. It's just going to be like this showmance. It'll be over as soon as I'm voted off. And I, but that's what I wanted. And I also wanted, and I said this in their reviews, a lot of the time they were like, so are you going to win? And I was like, no way in hell am I winning. No way in hell am I getting even close to the semis.

I go, I will, truly, I will have won if I'm just not first-footed off. No. I said that so many times, Kate, it was like, it was almost like the Lady Gaga where she goes, like, if there are a hundred people in the room and one believes in you, Bradley Cooper. You know when she said that like a million times? That's how much I said that. Because I did, I go, there's no way I'm going to be first voted off because I'm not terrible.

Like, and I'm entertaining enough. They'll keep me around. I'm funny. Yeah. But I thought Bobby Bones would be the first to go. Didn't we all? Yeah. Bobby Bones, I told him, because I remember he and I, he and I,

early on because we were both the worst dancers on the show and we had no dancing experience and I remember being like we're going to be first off and he's like no I'm going to win and I was like no you're not I was like that is so funny you think you're going to win you suck I was like yeah I'm going to win Bobby I'm going to win and then I go back for the finale he's in the finals and I go Bobby I had no idea I could have won like you are the first person on the show who's won the show that is a bad dancer and everyone was like you can't say that and I go he sucks He was a terrible dancer Anyone Dancing with the Stars

And that's why people that are fans of the show are upset That's so true That's so true But then they're upset if you're a dancer And you win too Because then it's not fair Can't win We'll be right back with more

Austin Vine Grape Therapy Alexa isn't the only one with breaking news Make sure to hang around At the end of this podcast For the latest breaking headlines On the AP News Minute All right everyone

If you like my show Then you are going to love Now What with Jessica Graff on Podcast 1. And right now, the former winner of the Amazing Race and my friend

is getting all the details of this season by calling up players that get eliminated each week for some juicy mini interviews. Download new episodes of Now What

with Jessica Graff every week on Apple Podcasts and Podcasts and Podcasts One. This is Off the Vine, Graith Therapy. Did you do the show?

Did you do dancing with the first? That's a touchy subject. I know. Why haven't you done it? Um, because when they asked me to do it, I was still under contract

with The Bachelorette, and Mike Fleiss wouldn't let me. I was going to say, because I was thinking about all that on the way here, I was like, I don't think she's done it, and I know she's a fucking great dancer. You would have been perfect for that show. And by the way, still on the tape, like, wouldn't you still? Now I think he's, I think he's still so powerful in ABC that I don't think that I'll ever go on. Really? They are making a mistake by not having you on.

You would, first of all, because you come with a background in dance. which is like totally permissible on the show now like no one I mean there are some people that go oh my god she's a dancer why is she on it but that's who wins and that's who goes far and that's who we want now to see and you have the ABC connection if anyone from ABC is listening I mean and I know you are why has Caitlin Bristow not been on Dancing with the Stars that is a that is the that is the casting Dina Katz come on girl I know well Dina has got to be on your side I was she always and then And then I was told, like, no other Bachelor or Bachelors will ever do it because they didn't want the show. I don't know. They didn't want us to have fame after the show or something. And then Nick did it right after me. Nick did it. Grocery Store Joe did it on my season.

They didn't want you guys to have fame after it. I mean, you're, it all goes back to ABC. If you're famous after that it's going to shoot back to them eventually because people are going to be like, oh, where did she get her start? Like, it was an excuse. You know what this thing is? It's like, I'd ever understand this business. in TV because you get like say you have a TV show on MTV they won't let you have a TV even if you have time to do TV anywhere else because they just want you and it's like wouldn't

that benefit you for me to go on another network it's people are so it's like it's almost like it goes against that would only benefit ABC to put you on there because people love you clearly they voted you the bachelorette and then you like it doesn't make sense so I don't understand this business a lot, but I do think you will be on Dancing with the Stars. Really? I think you will win Dancing with the Stars. And I see you partnering up with like, God, you should get Gleb is good. Gleb was my God. He's good. But you'd be good with anyone. I mean, you probably still have your people in mind. But like, you, Derek's still an option? Derek doesn't do it much anymore, but I bet he would come at a retirement for you, for sure.

Really? That would be a dream. Yeah. We got to get you on Dancing with the Stars. Well, I'm in, you know what? I felt that when you've said it. I think it's so in the books for you. I can't believe you're still into it. The fact that you want to do it and you should want to do it because it's the best thing I've ever done and you will have so much fun.

And you're a dancer, like, you have dancing history and you're also funny and, like, fun. Like, you're gold. God, can we hang out more? All the time. I want to see you on that show, dude. I can't wait until you're going to see that show. I'm all pumped up. I'm like, like.

Yes. Salsa out of here. If you're listening to this, hey, tweet about it. Caitlin, oh, I have. No, but I'm telling your fans. Tweet at Dancing ABC. We want Caitlin on Dancing with the Stars season 28. And it will happen because they listen to their fans.

Yes. And my Vino's, the listeners, they are passionate people. And they will do this. Yeah, they will. Okay, well, let's, okay, so being on TV, let's talk about your Netflix show. Yeah. Tell me everything.

Well, I don't have a Netflix show. I was on The Fix on Netflix, which is on now. I'm doing, I'm taping an hour special for Netflix coming up in two months in L.A. May 22nd. If you're in L.A., I'm going to be taping it. You can get tickets at Nikki Glazer.com. They're not released yet, but just hold that date. It's a Wednesday night in L.A.

If you have fans that love to laugh and love free tickets to a Netflix taping and they might be on camera, please be in the audience. I need good laughers there. I need cool women that get body, you know, sex. humor, whoever your listeners are. That's them. That's what I would think. Like, I would love you guys to be at my show. May 22nd, Netflix taping. I have a half hour on Netflix now. I, um, I host a radio show every day on Sirius XM. So if you have serious or have a rental car, tune in to Channel 95 every morning from, uh, 10 to 12 Eastern. It's called You Up. And then we have a podcast version of that

show. And what do you guys talk about? Like at comedy and sex and like being depressed. It's like my feelings like just the way you are like love that honest talk why are you on so early though because I'm like sleeping at that time it's way early that's why we do a podcast version so we call the best of from the show and then and so every Friday you the U-Up podcast

is what it's called when I'm traveling that's going to be my new thing I'm going to listen to your podcast I would love that please listen to it like this is first of all I feel like I have front road to a private comedy show right now like you're hilarious I it like always takes me down a notch when I hang out with funny people because I'm like I'm not that funny. You totally are. It's like you either get it or you don't and you're one of those that like and that's

why I remember when Amy asked us to come on the Bachelorette and we didn't know if it was going to be you or Britt and we were I mean you're just that's why we chose you. I'm not not putting it against it but like you're the girl that like you you represented us on the Bachelorette like you represented the the I'd like to pat myself on the back, but like a cool girl that's just real and like there wasn't anything fake about you, like you're just, yeah.

I appreciate that. And you're funny and we all knew it and we were all excited to, and that's why your challenge was stand-up comedy. Like, that's why they put that as the first thing, I think. I would love to get roasted because you've roasted like Bruce Willis.

Yeah, Bruce Willis and the Roblo roast. I did both of those, yeah. How fun is it to just rip people part like that. It's so fun in the moment, but it's like the, next to dancing with the stars is the hardest thing I've ever done, like preparing for it, like getting, because you're writing jokes that are only for a specific event. Like when I'm writing jokes, it's for my act. I can do it every night and I can put it any place and it's, it's personal. But when you're writing jokes about people, it's really hard to work those jokes out because the people aren't there when you're

doing sets leading up to it. So you're like, hey, imagine that Bruce Willis is right here and I'm about to say really mean things about them. And they can't give you the same kind of laugh that you're going to get in the room at the event. So it's hard to recreate the conditions that are going to prepare you for the roast itself. So it's kind of like you're just winging it up there. It's for the first time, like, telling jokes that you're like, is this going to work? I hope it does.

And luckily, I've put in the work ahead of time, but it's, it's, I've been in the middle of preparing for a roast and told my friends, like, tell me, remind me never to do this again because I've never worked harder. I think, I think I've told this story on my podcast before, but I met Jeff Ross. And he roasted me while I was serving him at this restaurant. And he said, serve a A, he said something like,

oh, a real career woman. And I was like, oh, my God. And then, but then he said something nice. He said,

he was like, what else do you do besides serving? And I said, I'm actually like a nanny for a little boy. And he said, oh, if you were my nanny, I'd suck my thumb until I was 40-2.

That's hilarious. Yeah. He's, He has a way of doing of roasting where you don't feel terrible about yourself afterwards although that can happen at roast I went into the last roast being like

I remember doing red carpet stuff beforehand and there was some person that interviewing me being like are you ready for what they're going to say about you tonight? And I was like oh I haven't even thought about that honestly I've been working so hard about what I'm going to say about other people that I didn't think about the insults that were about to come my way and the first roast for whatever reason

it didn't get to me they were like you have a flat ass and you're not funny And, like, yes, I have a flat ass, I don't give a shit. And also, like, saying I'm not funny, like, it's just not true. It's just, like, a dumb joke. Or they do the joke of, like, who's she? And I'm like, I'm a rising star, and you're a falling one. So it's actually a compliment.

And this whole thing of, and I get it a lot. And I'm sure you got to get it on things where people aren't as familiar with who you are. And you do a show, and people go, who is she? And it's like, I'm sorry. Do you know everyone that you've ever, you have to learn new people in showbis? We weren't all born knowing Tom Hanks, although it feels like we were. At some point, you didn't know who Tom Hanks was, and now you do. And you don't go, who is he when you first?

Like, sorry that you don't know who I, it gets, I get so mad when people go, who are you? And I'm like, why are you watching my live Instagram then? Who are, you're wasting your life on someone you don't even know? So I got a lot of those jokes, the first roast I did. And then the second roast I did, this one in, we taped it in August, I guess. there were so many jokes about me being like not pretty and it was the devastating like a lot being like you got a good body but then you turn like one of the jokes is like Sybil Shepard was saying I saw Nikki in the bathroom before the show and from behind I was like is that a supermodel and then she turned around and I go nope that's a comic and I was like it's like you're finding out in front of a audience of people that you're not as cute as you thought you were like I've always had confidence of like I know I know I I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not like an ugly bitch or whatever, but I walked away being like, I mean, I was at a plastic surgeon the next week getting drawn on my face. Like, I'm not kidding you. It really, and I remember hearing Sarah Silverman do a roast and they made a bunch of old jokes about her. And she said that it really shook her up afterwards. And I remember being like, but you're not old and you know that. You're smarter than these people. What are you talking about? Sarah, get over it. And then I was on the other side of it. And I was like, oh my God, they said things about my looks that I kind of have always thought. but maybe didn't think of other people saw.

And you go... That's the worst to me is when people point out your flaws that you've always been insecure about and you're like, but people probably don't notice that. And then they do and then it's on TV. Yes, yes. Or you're reading it on your comments and you're like, oh, okay, that is a thing.

And I should make an appointment about getting that, uh, lasered off or injected or whatever the fuck you can do to fix. I resent that there's something to fix everything now. I'm like, I want to go back to the days where there was no options and you were just who you were. Now you can, now if you don't have an ass, you can go get one. And I'm like, I'd rather the option of just not having one. Like, I just don't want, can I just not have one?

They're like, you don't have to. It's like, oh, God. Okay, let me look into what you can do. Now, I'm like, I want you to roast me so badly. I don't know what the fuck I would say about you to roast you. I really don't. I mean, if I set, this is the thing about roasting. For me, it doesn't come naturally.

Like, I'd have to look at a, and that's the scary part, Caitlin. is that the jokes about me that were so mean, Sybil Shepard didn't write that joke. There were men sitting in a room, staring at a picture of me, writers for the roast, looking at me just being like, what does she look like? Can we compare her to Owen Wilson?

Like, they are thinking all day about how the meanest things about you. And it's like, that's what I would have to do to you. I don't want you to roast me anymore. I don't want to look at your face and be like, what can I fucking take apart? Because there's no part of me that would ever do that unless I had to work at you like a math problem. That's how you have to approach people like you.

That's fair. I actually like that response. I thought you're just going to give it to me. No, I would never, first of all, I never do that. And honestly, I don't even know why I would say. I was, like, thinking like, Jeff Ross Roast has hurt. Like, what if he's, I'm like almost jealous that he could think of something because I can't. Yeah, he made fun of me for serving.

It was really funny. But also, I was like, oh. No. Am I going places or am I? Yeah. It hurts. It does. And, I mean, people really go to town on those roasts.

like the Justin Bieber one. Oh, yeah. So funny. I mean, I said some things that I was, and then you realize, oh, shit, I've been saying these things in front of audiences, like, when they weren't there, and now they're sitting right there, and I have to tell, like, I told Kevin Pollock, do you know what Kevin Pollock is? I was like, I love your impressions. You do an amazing Robin Williams.

I just wish you'd finish it. And so, and I go, I know. we've, we've, all I'm saying is we've lost a lot of greats to suicide lately and it's time to lose some okays. It's still my favorite joke I've ever written, but it was like so mean to tell someone to kill them. I mean, like, obviously I don't want Kevin Pollock to kill themselves. It's just like the meanest thing I could ever say.

But like to actually look at someone and say that was like, it's like not easy to do. You're like choking up like, I have a struggle. Oh my God. That would, that actually would be so. challenging that's hilarious do you have a confession for me maybe I thought about

so many things on the way here and I'm like I'm such an open book that I rarely have anything to confess but if someone in your audience may not know who I am they may have not heard me confess this before and I think it could benefit some women is that I've pooped on a guy during sex

before during full like full blown poop No, like just a little bit Like here's what I'm going to say If you've watched my Netflix half hour I talk extensively about how I like anal sex And it's not like people now think that like

I do it every time I literally have not done it even once in the past year It's just like a thing that if I'm in a committed relationship When we get to that point Once in a while like to try it out or whatever It feels good and I'm sorry And the thing I'll say is People go it hurts

And I'm like it hurts good man It hurts good like if you like if you're a girl like and not everyone's like this I realize but like sometimes you know when you take a shit and you're like that felt so amazing like it almost makes your eyes cross it feels so good that's what anal sex feels like is those poops Yeah, it feels great So I've never done it It's not for everyone And I will say that like You need a lot of lube

You need to be relaxed All of those things But um And I will say the biggest I think a lot of girls say Oh I'm scared Or it's it hurts That's why I don't like it

When really the big fear is You're gonna poop on a guy Like that's a huge fear And it should be Because what a devastating thing to happen It was my biggest fear And then it happened And it didn't happen the first time

It didn't happen the second time it didn't happen the 20th time but the 21st time or whatever it was like it was down the road and when it finally happened where it was like he had to stop midway and be like uh we have a situation i remember he said we have a situation i was like oh you want to hear when there's a penis in your bum and then you just i remember being like so devastated by it and thinking first of all i'll never tell a soul this i'll probably have to kill this man right now because this i can't live I can't go on having pooped on a person. And let me just say it's not a big deal.

First of all, they're never going to tell anyone. You think they're going to tell everyone. They're so embarrassed they got pooped on. They're going to take it to the grave. Most of the time these guys take it to the grave. And if they're f***ing you in the ass, they're playing with fire. They're going to get burned. So like it is on them.

You can't take all the blame and don't feel bad that you're a disgusting person. he put it where that is that stuff is and you can't predict your body you don't know everything that's going on down there and honestly I ended up dating that guy for like five years it like built it was like a traumatic moment that we both lived through and because we got

through it it made us stronger it was like what I could see that it really did it was like our like we were in the towers together I don't mean to compare who to being on someone to 9-11 but it was my personal 9-11 it was like the worst thing to happen to me

And it made me get through it with someone. And honestly, it'll probably happen again in my life. I was going to ask, were you scarred from that or did you do it again? No, I would do it again. I'll probably poop on someone again because if it's ever, if I'm ever comfortable with someone enough to have anal sex again, it could always happen. You're never surefire. Like the outtakes in porn, there must be so much poop in so many outtakes of porn.

I bet you could Google that. I bet there, yeah, I bet there's people that are jerking off to that kind of porn, right? but let me just say to anyone listening I wanted to confess today that I've pooped on a guy so that if you've ever pooped on a guy accidentally it's okay you're still a good person you're not disgusting you still deserve love

you still deserve to have fun sex and that guy knew what he was doing going in and if he never talked to you again I hope you fucking ruined his sheets yeah because that's the thing if a guy never talks to you again because you pooped on him then good that guy deserves to be pooped on

that's actually a good point because he should love you through anything. Yes. And so the guys that are going to be assholes about it and make fun of you and tell their friends, good. They deserve to be pooped on, poop on them all day long.

Hook up with him again and poop on him. Just to poop on him. Just to poop on him. I hope everyone poops on him. All I'm saying is that I love that you do confessions because the things in life that I've looked back on and been like, I'm never going to tell anyone this.

And if anyone finds out about this, I'm going to kill myself. Like I used to be that dramatic in like middle school about wetting the bed or whatever it was that I would be like like I would pick my nose and someone would catch me and I'd be like if that gets out, I'm going to enroll in a different school. And those things now are like the have made me famous because I'm able to talk about them so openly and because everyone feels that way. That's the best part about the confessions is everyone gets so nervous to tell me something and then they see the response from all the listeners. of how it happened to them and how they, like, loved hearing that story. I'm like, oh, my gosh, everybody poops on dicks. Everyone, poop is going to happen.

There's so many holes down there. They all get mixed up. Even if you aren't having anal and some poop comes out, it's okay. You were having a bad day. You didn't know. You came really hard or whatever. It all, like, it's okay. We're all gross.

We're all trying to be perfect. We aren't. And the more we talk about these things, the less we feel so disgusting. about them. And so I'm glad you have this part of your show. That's why now when I'm in boxing class and I feel like I'm either going to poop my pants or throw up, I'm like, okay, well, this will be really funny on the podcast. Yes, I loved that you said that because I was like, I love that you, if you had pooped your pants today, I feel like we would be talking about it.

Oh, of course we would. And I'd be skipping in here and excited to tell you about it. Yes, I, I, that's the one thing about aging that I really love is that these things that used to devastate me and I used to feel so, if anyone finds out, what am I going to do? Now I'm just like, I tell them on a podcast with a bachelorette. Like, what is my life? A bachelorette who I project so much onto. I mean, I look at your Instagram. I'm like, she's probably never even pooped before.

And yet, like, I look at someone like you. And I think that that's what's so good about you is that on Instagram and on TV and stuff, you, you come across like most people do on TV, which is perfect. And I really do look at you and I project so much onto you. And I'm like, God, she looks so good. cute there in her clothes are always so cute and she was just the perfect accessories and like I had to go I had to send my assistants to get these for you Caitlin for you because I thought if you saw my disgusting ear holes without earrings in them that I that you wouldn't think I was as

cool I made choices today for Caitlin Bristow because I thought she might like me more if I have this kind of thing there are choices I made I can't even point them out but there are choices I made today for you and guess what you don't give a fuck and I know You know you don't give a f***. But we're still trying. You have perfect little nails. Do you bite your nails? Do these nails look like I give a f***?

No, they don't actually. But they are perfect. You don't have little white dots in them. Actually, that one's pretty dirty. Okay. You could just tell people you play guitar. Oh. You know what's funny?

I bought a guitar and then I got fake nails and I couldn't play it. And I was like, oh. And then I've started to say that after I took that. I'm like, you know what? I play guitar. So you look like an indie musician. Like that's the hand of a girl who has been working the road, maybe the railroad, now that I think about it.

Not so much a musician, but like a, I have construction worker hands, like a 13-year-old boy construction worker's hands. I thank God for you. Thank God for Caitlin Bristow because you really, yeah, those hands really are, I want to see your feet now. My feet are cute, but I do bite my toenails. You bite your toenails? Yeah. Do you have a confession today or is that it? I've told that.

That's the thing for me is I... Yes, I'm fresh out. Everybody knows every disgusting story about me. And I bite my toenails and people, everybody knows that. Like, I just do and I enjoy it. Yeah. I love that. I've never tried it.

I'll get into it now that you're... I should put that on my Instagram story and then so many people can relate. And it sounds like you have fun doing it and it's something I would enjoy, actually. I mean, you might as well just try. I'll try anal and you try biting your toenail. Let's get back to each other on those two things. Is there anywhere to go from there?

Like, I think that's the podcast, you know? I think it is. Well, promote the hell out of yourself. Tell us everywhere we can find you. And Ben Higgins, if you're listening, when your relationship fails, slide. Listen, Ben, I'll be waiting. Actually, I don't know that we'd get along. Like, you seem to love God and things like that.

and I don't really believe in God. But actually, I think that we could join together and, like, work out something. But, like, I could convince you that there isn't one. But, no. Or I could be convinced I'm not going to be, but I will pretend to be for you. I will definitely pretend to love the Lord for Ben Higgins.

I will, you'll hear me say God and Jesus a lot of times if we spend some alone time together. I'll be screaming both those names. But, um. But you can find me at Nikki Glazer on Instagram. I'm very active on Instagram. So follow me on there. And I KKI, GLA, SER, and you can hear me on my podcast and my serious X-M show every single morning.

But my podcast, it's you, you can just Google you up. Nikki Glazer. Yeah. And I have a ton of stand-up available. Just YouTube me. I've been on Conan a bunch, Fallon, a lot of stand-up. You are hilarious. And for people to go to your show on May 22nd.

Yeah, May 22nd. I'm taping my Netflix special in L.A. If you're in May 22nd, nicky glazer.com, I'll have details up there soon. My girls who are listening are going to want to go after hearing this, they're going to be like, I need to be there. Please, please go. I'm so funny. My act is so good right now.

Wait, do you ever do this thing? Do you ever wipe and accidentally you're wearing like a long tank top and you wipe? You get, you like put your tank top in your vagina and you get like pee on your tank top and then you just have to tuck in your pee tank top? Okay. I had a feeling. wasn't the only one. Wait, I just thought of a confession from when I was like first got my period and I couldn't figure out how to put a tampon in the hole and so I was wearing these pads and I went to the

bathroom at school and I went to like lean over like, like, okay, so picture me sitting on the toilet with my underwear just pulled down right, so this is normal for you, with your underwear like right at your knees and I went to like pull up my pants and I was wearing a white shirt and I just leaned right into my bloody pad. Yeah, I did. And I didn't have a sweater or anything to cover it. What did you do? I started wearing tampons.

Oh, my God. You know what I did? I just honestly, I remember panicking, and I ran, I came out of the bathroom stall, and I did soap and water, and it wasn't going anywhere. Like, I was just making it worse. And then I just ran home. I lived across the street from school. Oh, you just dipped your shirt into a pad.

And it had like a blot on your shirt. I mean, not just a blot. blot like a smear a smear i would have tried to go get some like marinera or like something with marinera in it and eaten it sloppily in front of someone and been like oh oh and spilled it on myself and been like i'm such a mess and then gone throughout my day smelling a 15 year old kately didn't think like that i was like run home you disgusting bitch oh my god so many girls have had period into this especially with schumer and her special did a bit about the diva cup you know that where it just fills with blood all day and you take it out and you I've honestly used those before and it is

to the brim and I'm wearing like light color jeans and I'm like if something went wrong if I just got scared by a roach or something all over your pants there have to be stories out there like that if you have them please DM me I want to I want to hear your diva cup disaster oh my gosh I bet there's a million divacup disasters dot com I mean it's got to be up if that's not a website we need to start that now. We're going to make so much money. Oh, my gosh. I kind of want to try the diva cup just to have a disaster story. I'm not kidding you. It's filled with, it's a cup filled with blood. And if you, when you pour it into the sink, you're supposed to pour it. Yeah, and it is a lot of blood, but it's, it's awesome because you only have to empty it out like once every couple days.

Like, I mean, it's like, like, once a day, or let's say. I was pretty dirty about it. So I'm sure I went like, I probably left it in for three cycles. Yeah. But like, I remember taking out and it's like teetering on the edge. Like, it is a bowl of blood. It is a cup. It is, it's crazy. So there's got to be times where girls have gotten spooked and spilled it everywhere. Oh, absolutely. I can't, I can't wait to hear all these stories. Well, tweet us or slide into our, yeah, slide into our DMs about your disaster blood story because I just share. I'm so glad I thought of a confession. I'm like, yes. Oh, that's, I feels good. good to get that off my chest like, you know, the blood off my chest. Gross. Oh, God. Thank you so much. I would really

like to do a live podcast. Next time you do a live one and I'm in the same city. I would love to do it. Yeah. And maybe you could come to Nashville and like stay at my house and we can... You live in Nashville? That's where you live? Oh, I'm coming to Nashville to perform at Zanis Comedy Club. You got to come that weekend. Whenever it is,

I'll hit you up and you can come and and hopefully yeah we can figure something out we'll hang out at least okay i would love that i've been to zanis um girl with no job did a live podcaster that i that i did with her yeah it was so much fun yeah that's a that's a great spot um thank you so much for being on the podcast i think you might be my favorite ever really thanks girl you're up there with chris harrison was my favorite and you're up there with chris harrison oh my god i've never been up anywhere with chris harrison oh my god you are now on off the vine your session is now in it Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy.

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