Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Self Love Coach Paul Fishman

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

Kaitlyn hangs out with Self Love Coach Paul Fishman as he explains his role as a coach and what self love means in his work, Kaitlyn reveals how she got a little overzealous when she was invited to a celebrity golf event, and they answer your question about how you too can love yourself! Tommy John – Don’t forget to tag me with your stories on social and go to TommyJohn.com/vine for 20% off your first order See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. We're on with OTV.

Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Caitlin Bristow is going to answer your questions. Drink to your confessions and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin. Welcome to Grape Therapy. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting.

Today in the studio, we have a self-love coach, great job title, who is on a mission to empower and inspire humanity to love unconditionally. This is perfect for my grape therapy. All my listeners are going to fall in love with you. I already have Paul Fishman. Do you say Fishman? Fishman. Fishman. Paul Fishman.

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Wait, I'm trying to think of how I even got in. So you did my girlfriend's podcast, Julie, and about self-free. love, I'm assuming. I didn't listen. It hasn't gone live. Oh, there you go.

I mean, I knew that. Totally knew that. And then, yeah, so my girlfriend was like, you have to have this Paul guy on your podcast. He would be perfect. And then I looked you up and I fell in love in like three seconds. Amazing. So self-love coach. Yeah.

Tell me about this job title and how you, how did you get here? Well, you know, that's a really great question. Yeah. The thing about self-love is that. Well, let's back up before, like, for the first 27 years of my life, like, I was the complete opposite of self-love. I was a people-pleaser. I lived my life for others.

I was 75 pounds overweight. I was, like, the kind of friend who so desperately wanted that validation for me that, like, even if we, like, I would have come in with a $300 gift for you meeting you for the first time, like, hoping that you would love me. Oh, my gosh. And little did you know you only had to say three words and I loved you. all you to do is wear this amazing yellow sweater you're wearing and I'm like I love you perfect good to know so I I was also sacrificing myself I was just working at a job that didn't

serve me I was basically like living the life that I thought other people were expecting me to live and I think that a lot of people run into this issue yeah of course so as I kind of like took the steps to learn who I truly was as an individual. It was me coming out. It was me quitting my job and getting a new one. And the big catalyst really was me coming out. I was in a very toxic relationship. And I left the relationship. And within two weeks, I dropped 20 pounds of emotional weight. That's crazy. Yeah. That I'd just been holding on for so long. Yeah. And then just like fast forward to let's see, almost 10 years later.

Am I that old? Okay, great. I'm like, wait, how old are you? No, I'm 34. 34. 34, okay, okay, yeah. So, and I just, I realized that self-love was what I was doing. So when I lost all of the weight, I got really into spin, and I started teaching spin.

So it was like this kind of, like, way of moving into empowering people and inspiring. There is nothing like a good spin class. I come out of a spin class, and I am like, I feel like I could. do anything like you just you're in the right mindset you sweat you feel good i i used to teach spin too really yeah we're basically twins we really are i just need a yellow sweater i mean you had the opportunity to get one i really did i turned it down missed opportunity um but yeah okay so you're teaching spin and then i started being doing personal training and every single client that came from me came to me i was like there's something missing about this like they wanted to lose weight so that the guy would would

falling in love with them. They wanted to get the flat stomach so that they could get the Instagram likes. Yeah, of course. All this stuff. And I was like, hold on, wait a minute. Yeah. Like what's going on here? And I realized that the stuff that I was missing, which was that compassion and self-love and deciding to live my life for me was what was missing from everyone else's life. Right. So as these people started paying me to just sit with them and stretch and talk, yeah. I realized that I was no longer a personal trainer, but I was going to be a self-love coach. And I think the beauty of social media is that you can be whatever you. want to be. Isn't that the truth? So here I am. I changed my Instagram title and here I am.

That's so, okay, wait. And how long ago was that, did you say? So I started teaching spin in 2014. Okay. And then I left teaching spin in October. So I've been doing self-love coaching full-time just since October. Yeah. But I've been empowering people since 2014 with the same message. I'm like, you do you. There's no shame in your game. Yeah. All that stuff. Oh, I love it. I said before we start, I'm like, I just wish I could start my day with you every day. You can at Paul Fishman. Nice plug.

Why do you think it is that we don't love ourselves? Like, do you think it's that we've been trained by, like, media and like, not even social media? Like, you're growing up with magazines of like, get this body, get this, like, the advertising. Is it something just as simple as the, that's like what we've seen and that's what we know? Or what is it about self-love that seems to be so hard? It feels like that what you're saying should be what it is, right? That, like, we've just seen all these things. It's everyone else's fault that we don't love ourselves.

And I think that what's really important about self-love is the word self-means individuality. The word love means devotion. So self-love is being devoted to your individuality. So by looking into this whole, like, spectrum of, like, seeing on social media, all these other people, seeing all the magazine ads, you are being told that you as an individual is not something to aspire to be. Right. So that is really why self-love has kind of like fallen to the wayside because we don't know that as an individual, like you are so important as you. Like we need Caitlin to show up exactly who she is and everyone who's listening.

We need you to show up exactly who you are. Yeah, I was doing one of my girlfriend who was telling you about who was my like a health and wellness coach, I think. is what she liked. It wasn't like a life coach. It was like a health and wellness coach. And she has a podcast for this raw beauty talks and it's about self-love and stuff too. And we were just talking about how the media has like, you know, done this where we don't feel like we're enough unless you're that. And I was, we got to talking about like, where does ego come from? Like how, where does it come from? The ego, man. Well, I don't know where it comes from. But what I do know is that the ego is what gets in the way of everything.

Yeah. Because here we are, right? And I experienced this with every single one of my clients that I get on the phone with to talk about working together. There's like this excitement. They're like, I applied. I said, yes, I'm worth it. I want to learn how to love myself unconditionally, right? And then I say, all right, so we're going to work together, X, Y, and Z. It's going to cost this much money. And they're like, no, no, no, no, I'm okay by myself. And I'm like, whoa, what just happened? What just happened? And it turns out that our mind and our ego are so, so happy being comfortable in the discomfort of just, like, being miserable, like sacrificing yourself, sabotaging yourself, that it's a lot easier to use that as an excuse.

I have this question that I ask on my application, on a scale of 1 to 10, how motivated are you to change? And I say, it doesn't have anything to do with fear. It doesn't have anything to do with financial resources. How motivated are you to change? Every single person says 7. And I'm like, I'm like, why? Like, you know I only work with 10.

like tens across the board like I'm not yeah so if you're listening and you apply say 10 say 10 that's so strange that everyone does seven and then we talk about it and they're like well I'm just like nervous like what if I can't do it I'm like hold on like you're already putting this limiting belief on yourself so that's and that's ego yeah I wonder I just I want to know like has this been a thing since like like how many years has this gone on that people don't practice self-love and that they have these insecurities and that they tell themselves these lies about not being good enough.

When did that all start? Like, is that just, you're born with that? Because we all do it. I mean, I think I was actually just listening to a podcast about like conscious parenting and like raising children that are conscious of like themselves as individuals. And what was really, really struck me

is like we spend the first five years of our life learning how to walk and talk and then we go into school and we're told to sit down and shut up. Yeah. So it's like these conflicting messages being sent to us at all these different times. So, I mean, we could talk about, I don't know.

Let's just get in a time machine. Don't you have one of those? Yeah, I have two. Oh. Two time machines, actually. Too many. Hey, guys, it's me. I've got a really important question to ask you this Valentine's Day.

Can you feel the love tonight? That was my best Elton John. Okay, I obviously love the Lion King. Actually, I hope Jason opens his present by now, but I sent him two matching Lion King sweaters for us. I love it. I love it almost as much as I love celebrating Valentine's Day. I seriously cannot believe the original came out 25 years ago.

That's, if you want to feel old, there you go. They're doing a big celebration of the film's 25th anniversary over at Disney's Animal Kingdom Park in Walt Disney World. Sounds like so much fun. There's going to be an entire festival of Lion King with a theatrical experience celebrating the music from the original. If you guys want to know a fun fact, I can play the piano and my go-to song, my party trick is playing Can You Feel the Love Tonight on piano? Because it's my favorite song. It has a immersive backdrop so you can step into the scenes from the film and get some great selfies, maybe even some great content. I really want to go back to

Walt Disney World so badly. The last time I went, I was kind of young. I went with my friend's family and I can't even pick my favorite part because I was kind of younger, so I just loved it all. It's like the year of anniversaries for Disney. It's going to be incredible. Disney's Hollywood Studios is celebrating 30 years and you can party with your Pixar pals. They have wonderful worlds of the Incredibles, Monster Inc., cars, and Toy Story. I would probably want to experience a world of Toy Story because that's one of my other favorite Disney movies. Toy Storyland is absolutely massive. It has 11 acres, you guys, and it's made so you feel like you're one of the toys in Andy's backyard. There's a roller coaster called the Slinky Dog Dash, where you get to ride

on Slinky's Back or the Alien Swirling Saucers. Oh, and they also have one of those 4D rides called Toy Story Mania. I would love those kind of rides. The older I get, the more I get motion sickness, so I'd wonder what I'd be like on them now. Then over at the Magic Kingdom Park, it's My Man Mickey's 90th birthday. Happy birthday, Mickey, and don't worry about missing out because they will be celebrating his birthday all year long. I wouldn't mind a year-long celebration myself, you know? Somebody celebrating me getting older for a full year.

Okay. There's also a new parade stage show and more limited time experiences and merchandise available. The more I talk about it, the more hyped I get about going back. I need to ask Cleo when we're going. She's my partner in crime. Wait, hold on. I didn't even tell you about Epcot. Are you looking for a little more culture?

with your magic, maybe the Epcot International Festival of the Arts will take care of that for you. It's going to be the ultimate celebration of art, entertainment, and food. From culinary art to performing art and visual arts, they have it all with a touch of Disney magic on top. There will be special galleries, visiting artists, dining experiences, concerts, and hands-on activities. It's a can't miss artful experience. Plus, they're having the Internation Flower and Garden Festival. The spring tradition returns to bring Epcot into bloom with engaging entertainment, food, and of course, the world-renowned Disney topiaries. You can relive the nostalgia of Disney or create some new memories. There are so many cool attractions we didn't

even talk about all the great rides. You can conquer the mountain trifecta. That's when you ride Space Mountains, Splash Mountain, and Big Thunder Mountain all in the same day. Did you do it as a kid? Because why not give it a shot as an adult? It's just as fun, guaranteed. Bring that childhood back to life and make some new experiences that you can appreciate even more as an adult. Remember, you don't have to win the Super Bowl to say, Mama, I'm going to Disney World. You were talking about, like, showing up as yourself and for yourself. Do you think that also comes with age? Because I always talk on this podcast about being in your 20s and how you're kind of, like, searching for who you are.

And you're kind of trying to be all these different things. And then at a certain age, for me, I just felt like something shifted. And I was like, why am I not just being myself? Like, why was I trying so hard to, like, wear the little dresses. in the heels to look good when I go out. I'm like, I feel so sexy and like sweatpants. What am I doing? Same.

Yeah, I feel my best self when I'm like a scrub. Like I'm like, I am hot. Like a TLC moment. I got it. Yes, exactly. And so I just like, do you think that's something that as you grow older and age that you become more self-aware or is it, do you think it's just actually like practice? I think it's practice.

I think that. Because I started becoming aware that I needed to have more self-love. And so I was consciously, like, working on it. But also, like, you're doing that work and you want to do that work. There are so many people who either don't know that they need to do the work. So many people don't think they're worth doing the work. So that's a whole other thing. Well, yeah.

And I guess that comes from, like, how you were raised, too. Like, that could have been a message that somebody was telling you that to make you feel that way. You know, like some parents don't know better and they were taught a certain thing. And they're just doing their best, but it can do damage to. their kids you know what there's so many different um reasons why somebody could have those feelings towards themselves amen yeah so it's it's tricky but um what do you think there's so many but like like benefits of self-love like what can it do for you oh my goodness i i just i think that what i want to do is i just want to tell a story about a client that i was working with who came

to me didn't love herself at all and she just went through this like massive weight loss transformation and she was doing this thing where she was bargaining with herself. She was like, it's too good to be true, right? So I'm going to go work out, but the only way that I'm going to work out is if I go buy myself a new outfit. And the only way I'm going to go buy myself a new outfit is if I go to work out. And the only way that I'm going to go to brunch is if I go to work out. Real negotiator. But it's like this like bargaining tool, right? So we get into the cycle of like bargaining with ourselves and saying, oh, I deserve this when I do this and it and it's really like why why do you have to be like earned something that makes you feel

good like and and when we got down to the nitty gritty and really like pulled out it was just this like fear of of being worthy of loving yourself so like when when you start to love yourself unconditionally and it's really really hard like there are lots of days where I wake up and I conditionally love myself yeah you know yeah yes and it's just it's one of those things where you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror and you just do your best be okay with where you are i have this mantra that i created that i printed out and i put on my mirror love and if you go to my website you can download it if you give me your email oh cool another plug no yeah that's what you got to do on here that's what this podcast is more plug away paul fishman dot love yes and um and it's the mantra goes

like this i look myself in the eyes like you have to look at yourself in the eyes and say i give myself permission to be okay with where I am. I honor the journey and know that I am doing my best. I love and accept you. I love and accept you. I love and accept you. And you say these things like looking at yourself in the eyes. I've had people start laughing, crying, who can't even complete it. Have you ever actually like looked at yourself in the mirror, like in your eyes? I have actually because I practice this stuff yes I have the same I have a thing on my mirror that says if you work on the inside the outside will fall into place and because I'm I used to be really hard on myself with appearance and I've just I've worked really really hard on that I think it came

from growing up in a dance studio you know you're always around pretty girls and in the mirror and comparing bodies and and again like the magazines and and I remember guys would always tell me in school like well you'd be hot if you're if you gained like this you know like it was such a thing um i rolled my eyes so hard right that yeah i felt that yeah but it's it was so painful and you don't realize how painful it is but now thinking back on to what i was told in high school like everything and even the jobs that i would get it was all based on appearance you know like the cart girl at the golf course the bartender like all these like they'd be like oh well you're good looking so it would always

like my my lies that I was telling myself seemed to be true like that's what everything had been showing me that that what I believed was true so I found that really challenging and now I do that I look myself in the I've been practicing for like probably five years of like self-love and I can't believe how far I've come without even knowing it without even realizing it like I look back on who I was five years ago and I'm like well I've come so far and I keep like getting me I keep getting better. I was like, you know, I can say that.

Yeah, you do. I really do. Absolutely. And I believe that that comes from a lot of times I will have a conversation with myself in a mirror and have that talk of like, and I'll stop myself. I'll actually say out loud, stop if I start picking myself apart. And it's just, I think, I think that has come with practice and just doing it over. And actually, like, even at the beginning, if you feel like you're lying to yourself, just do it. Because you'll eventually start to believe and see and you'll just one day look in the mirror and be like, I believe that.

Amen. Yeah, which is wild. But I was thinking about this too with social media and people always ask me, why do you respond to trolls and haters and people say negative things? And they're like, why do you respond to all this hate when we're sitting here telling you how much we love you? Why don't you respond to those? And I thought about this and I'm like, that's a weird ego thing. I don't want to like what am I supposed to say if someone's like oh my gosh you're so funny and this and that thank you and retweet that I would feel like I was being like cocky or something but when people are tearing me down I'm like let's make fun of this like let's be funny about it because first of all it doesn't really affect me sometimes it does but like a lot of times I can laugh at it but I think that's what it was is that I couldn't I can't like I don't know if I feel bad like um if somebody calls me beautiful or tells me I'm funny or says that I, like, feel bad retweeting it or responding to it because I feel like I'm like acknowledging it.

You know, like, I'm mean girls. Yeah. When you look really pretty. She's like, thanks. So you agree. You think you look really pretty. Like, that's how I feel when I do it. That's what I decided.

Something else that I love to do with the haters and I actually, well, I don't want to manifest that I'm going to get any, but I haven't really received that many. I was going to say there's no way you get. But, I mean, who knows? But anyway, when I do receive it, normally because I'm plant-based, so, like, I do, like, sometimes get, like, some, like, well, you know, like, I'm really about conscious consumption, so being aware of, like, what you're putting in your body. And I had this girl come at me, like, savage. And I did a little of, like, a recon, and, like, I went and looked on her page and, like, see what was going on. Yeah. And, like, she was, like, one of these posts was, like, this is what depression looks like.

And I sent her a demarc message and I was like, hey, girl, I noticed that, like, you're really struggling with something. Like, let's talk about it. Good for you. And, and I mean, it was just like a one-off, but it was, like, really important because then she was like, I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you. It just because real talk, like whenever anyone's has negative stuff to say about you, it has nothing to do with you. Nothing. I always say that is everything to do with them, nothing to do with you. Zero.

And we get really stuck in social media now because we're. We think we're being protected by these screens, but we're not at all. Like, it's just as hurtful through the screen. Yeah. Yeah. That's, I mean, I think just from going on a TV show, I kind of, like, expected people to have opinions of me and be mean because, you know, it is the internet. But I couldn't believe how mean people could get.

And just like the nasty things that they would say. And sometimes I would find myself just like in tears from somebody saying something And because it was always something that was maybe an insecurity, you know, of mine growing up. And then they'd hit that trigger. Other things, I'd be like, I can laugh it off. But if you hit my triggers, then I'm, you know, I'm affected by it. But that's usually the case. If you go and look at who that person is, it's usually something, you know, no, it always is something, something's wrong.

Yeah. And that's a great way to approach it as with your career and your job title is to be like, let's discuss, like, what is it? How can I help you? And something that you said, I found really important that you actually did cry. You did feel the feelings because it's really, really important where we've taught in the society to not feel anything. Oh, nobody feels their feelings quite like Caitlin Bristow. I feel my feelings. I am VV proud of you.

Oh, I used to be like, I used to be the tough guy. I'd be like, oh, I don't feel anything. Like when I first went on The Bachelor, I was like, good luck making me cry. Like, I'm tough. I don't. I'm not going to cry. they broke me down within like an hour. But then I started realizing the importance of feeling your feelings

through the show actually really brought it out in me and how much that has helped me grow as a person to just be okay with feeling feelings and being vulnerable. Like I was like, no, vulnerable. It's the V word. And now I'm like, oh, it's so beautiful. Being vulnerable is so beautiful. Yeah, I will.

Like it's, I agree with you though. important to feel those. And I think a lot of people, a lot of people just struggle with being who they truly are. And I just, I want to say I don't understand it, but I do. Because I think we all go through that at some point in our lives. We do. We do. And like, it's, it's, it's our friend Julie's favorite thing to say. You turn into a Compairedashian. Oh, yeah. Oh, I can't even watch the show. Oh, well, I just used the term. Yeah. Well, it's hilarious. My Uber driver on the way here said to me, he said that I looked like a Kardashian and I was like really um okay and I was like kind of a compliment but not and then he asked me he goes to contour your nose wait I was on the plane

last night and I was watching RuPaul's drag race and there was like they were getting ready and the flight attendant walks by and she goes honey are you a makeup artist because I could use some help with my contour and I was like no I'm just watching drag race yeah Just a great show, actually. But then, like, the entire time, I was like, I feel like I've watched enough James Charles where I could, like, teach her how to contour. Is he the big YouTube guy that's, like, amazing at makeup? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a big D.

Yeah. That sounded wrong. He's a big deal. Oh, I was like, well, I've heard both, you know. I was like, that sounded like I said, he had a big D, but you know what I'm getting up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if your big Valentine's Day surprise consists of bouquet of supermarket roses and drugstore chocolates, then the only surprise is that you think that's memorable.

Rethink what a Valentine's gift can be with Tommy John, the most comfortable men and women's underwear on the planet, a gift that's not only unexpected, but genuinely need it. Tommy John is redefining comfort for men and women with luxuriously soft, feather light, moisture wicking, underwear that moves with you and not against you. With no pinching, no bunching, no riding up, it's no wonder Tommy John has sold over six million pairs.

If you're still looking for a Valentine's Day gift, year a little late, but their limited edition loungewear and underwear, including matching his and hers sets, are the perfect alternative to boring and played out cliche gifts. Last year, the limited edition collection sold out in less than a week, so don't wait until it's last minute. And with Tommy John's best pair you'll ever wear or it's free guarantee, if you don't love your first pair, you'll get a full refund, so there's no excuse not to buy the gift of comfort they truly deserve.

Tommy John, no adjustment needed. I wanted to do something fun with Tommy John because you've all been sending me unsolicited love for their product. So if you're a fan, and I know many of you are, tag me on social, tell me why you love Tommy John underwear, or a fun story about Tommy John, and I'm going to read my favorite comments on the show, shop limited edition, Valentine's Day gifts, sets, and get 20% off your first order at Tommyjohn.com slash fine. That's Tommyjohn.com slash fine for 20% off only at Tommy John.com.

But I was wanting to ask you when we were talking about the benefits of self-love, like, it just seems like such a airy-fairy topic, you know? Like, are there hard facts? that support this is something that we should invest time into like what like do you like some hard-headed facts for me i mean facts or facts but like basically i actually was just watching on the news you know it says that being happier is going to affect your your lifespan but if i if i can break it down to like the people that i've worked with people who have come to me uh about to give up on their entrepreneurial life and and working with me to create gratitude in their life. People who have just like lost all hope in their marriages coming to me to bring out the best

in the communication style of what they need honoring themselves. If I needed to pull facts from like the data of my work, then self-love can almost solve any problem almost powerful yeah it's very very powerful yeah i mean self-love helped me lose 75 pounds self-love helped me find the man of my dreams self-love helped me fall into this career self-love helped me get out of financial crisis yeah no self-love helped me speak to my parents and and really stand up for what i wanted not what they wanted yeah and and yes it is like this airy-fairy term a lot to do with like the media and taking pictures and hashtag self-love when you're getting your hair done in your nails did when really that self-care.

Right. And like self-care can't exist without self-love, but a lot of people are doing self-care, like going out and spending all of their money on this fancy handbag to take a photo with when that's the exact opposite of self-love because if you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I know people always say, you know, like self-love and like, oh, like to me, like if I were to ask you what things you do to practice self-love, you're probably. going to tell me like much deeper things than a lot of people would consider I don't know

Gucci shopping spree always really well no not always but that does make you feel good you know what I'm human yeah of course yeah I really uh but for me I love skin care I love like a nice lymphatic massage in the morning um guys if you're listening I know there's some of you that are listening try it out yeah it's really amazing ladies you know what I'm talking about all the ladies know all the ladies know Do you have one of those rollers? I do have one of the rollers. I have, like, this really mini one that I travel with. Yeah.

I can't get on a plane without my roller. I mean, yeah. And then you ask them to put it in the fridge, right? Yes, always cold. Except I have one that's a naturally cold stone, so it's always cold. Look at you. Yeah. I mean.

I know. Sponsored. I should be. Yeah, so many things. These candles. I'm like, like, the wine. See, that's, I'm like, I mean, that's to me, to me, self-love is like i like i go to a therapist and i really work on my like inner demons and and i

have the conversations with myself in the mirror and i give myself mirror high-fives everyone that listens knows that i do that it's my thing um but i also love like there is nothing that is i when i come home from traveling i'm always traveling when i get home um i always make sure my cleaning lady has been there and i have a personal assistant now which has just saved my life but I feel like such a diva saying I have a personal assistant, but I need one. And so she, like, goes to the house and make sure everything's set up, and she'll make sure, like, my favorite groceries are in the fridge when I get home. And then I get home, and I just pour myself a glass of wine, and I make a bubble bath, and I like candles.

And I put on, like, um, like, I just YouTube, like classical music for relaxing. And it's like a two-hour playlist, and I will just press play on that. And I, nothing can get to me. Like, I'm just, like, in my happy place. So important. But so it's, like, you were saying, there's self-care and there's self-love. And I just don't think that one of, both of them have to go hand in hand. If you're giving yourself a facial massage, but you're, like, thinking negative thoughts.

Right. If you're doing it because you're like, well, I need to look pretty for Instagram. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, I agree with that. So if your big Valentine's Day surprise consists of bouquet of supermarket roses and drugstore chocolates, then the only surprise is that you think that's memorable. Rethink what a Valentine's gift can be with Tommy John, the most comfortable men and women's underwear on the planet,

a gift that's not only unexpected, but genuinely need it. Tommy John is redefining comfort for men and women with luxuriously soft, feather light, moisture wicking, underwear that moves with you and not against you. With no pinching, no bunching, no riding up, it's no wonder Tommy John has sold over six million pairs. If you're still looking for a Valentine's Day gift, you're a little late, but their limited edition loungewear and underwear, including matching his

and hers sets, are the perfect alternative to boring and played out cliche gifts. Last year, the limited edition collection sold out in less than a week, so don't wait until it's last minute. And with Tommy John's best pair, you'll ever wear or it's free guarantee, if you don't love your first pair, you'll get a full refund, so there's no excuse not to buy the gift of comfort they truly deserve. Tommy John, no adjustment needed. I wanted to do something fun with Tommy John because you've all been sending me unsolicited

love for their product. If you're a fan, and I know many of you are, tag me on social, tell me why you love Tommy John underwear, or a fun story about Tommy John. And I'm going to read my favorite comments on the show, shop limited edition, Valentine's Day gifts, sets, and get 20% off your first order at Tommyjohn.com. That's Tommyjohn.com slash vine for 20% off only at Tommyjohn.com. We'll be right back with more off the vine, grape therapy. Alexa isn't the only one with breaking news. Make sure to hang around at the end of this podcast for the latest breaking headlines on the AP News Minute. If you like my show, then you're going to love Mama Said with Jamie Sigler and Jenna Paris on the new Lady Gang Network on Podcast 1.

Join actress Jamie Lynn Sigler and musician Jenna Paris, as they use their experience in motherhood to help you confess your mommy sins, realize you're not alone, and feel like you're killing the mummy game. Download Mama Said every Wednesday on Podcast 1 or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. I usually don't do confessions on my grape therapy podcast, but I have to because I have such a good one for you. Okay, perfect. Do you have a confession? I mean, I have a couple that I've been really thinking about. One of them I'm like really nervous to share, but I'm just going to do it.

Well, you should because the more open you are with confessions, people love like, you. Go there. Like, be the love when you go there. And it can be about anything. I mean, mine's not like anything crazy. It's just funny because it says a lot about my confidence. So I was talking to Chris Harrison. Do you know who that is?

I was talking to him on the phone not long ago. And he was like, hey, would you be interested in coming out to Tiger Woods Golf Charity event? We were talking throwing out some names about, like, people who golf that I know and I golf. And he was like, so I was thinking you could come and. be in the tournament. And I was like, wow, Tiger Woods. Like, okay. I want to go golf with Tiger Woods. And so I've been telling myself that I was golfing in this tournament. So then I get an email

from the people who are putting this event on. And they send me the celebrity list. And I'm like, wow, I am in good company. Like, it was like, Tiger Woods, Fred Couples, Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, like big names. All my best friends. Nick. Jonas, yes, Nick Jonas, Kid Rock, all these people, and I'm like, and Kaelum Bristow, like, wow, like, you know, I'm like really riding this 15 minutes of fame here, you know, I'm three and a half years out and I'm golfing with Marky Mark and the funky bunch. So I'm like sitting there being like, God, good for me, good for me. And then I'm going on social media and I'm like, hey guys, like I'm going to golf a tiger on Monday. So I'm going to go take golf lessons. And I'm taking golf lessons in Nashville and like I'm so nervous and I get this phone call and it's the lady that like is organizing everything.

And she goes, oh, I just wanted to call and maybe discuss your role at the charity event. And I was like, what? I'm golfing. And she was like, yeah, you're not one of the celebrities. You're just there to have some content on your social media. You're like basically she's like, no, your role. You're a social media, like, content creator. You ain't no celebrity, bitch.

But it was hilarious because I was like, wow. I mean, I came out of a golf lesson, really thinking, one, that I could golf with Tiger Woods. Like, I was feeling that good about it. And two, thought that I would be in the same category as Kid Rock and Mark Wahlberg. Like, good for me. I mean, yes. I mean, I was taken down a few notches when I was told that I was like, no, it was still so much fun. And I felt very grateful to be a part of that.

event because I mean one I love doing anything for charity and two it's like it was cool to be around everybody but I just thought it was so funny I'm like that says a lot about my confidence where that I really thought I could hang yeah yeah yeah so that's funny isn't my turn yeah you're scared are you nervous no there's just I've I've just been going back and forth in my head of which one to say but I'm just because like I'm just going to do it you guys I've never watched the Bachelor. Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that. Okay, good. No, that's so, well, I mean, do you even know who Chris Harrison was when I said that? Were you like? No, no, like, I mean, I did like my research. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, I started watching the season where you were the Bachelorette. Like,

you're lying. No, I just like watched the one after the first episode. Oh, like when you found out you're coming on the pocket. Oh, that's hilarious. No, don't do that. Well, I wanted to, you know, I was like, she's cool. We're going to be best friends. We are. Yeah. I knew that before you even met me or watched anything. Oh, perfect. I knew that when I saw you dancing on your website. Oh, yeah. Learn the dance. You can do it?

Well, just that part. Oh, yeah. You nailed it. I know. You really nailed it. That's so funny. But I actually respect that. You know, you don't have time.

I have time. Okay, what is it? What is it? No, no. Is it just something that you're like, I'm just not going to get into that because you know once you're in, you're in. Yeah. Well, also, okay, so it's like, my husband is the die hard reality TV.

Oh, he is? Like, he loves all of it. Yeah. He just consumes it. And it's just like, also- His name is Richard? His name's Richard. And he, like, really loves the housewives. Yeah.

It's just, like, obsessed. Yeah. And get this, his best friend and him have, like, three-hour calls scheduled every Monday to recap everything. Three hours? They talk for three hours about all the housewives. Are you serious? Yes. Three hours.

Mm-hmm. I mean, that's a commitment. It is a commitment. Yeah. But you know what? They love it. They love it. And it's a little bonding thing.

Right. You know what it was really cool is I've had, um, A few girls come up to me and say, you brought me and my mom back together. Like, we bonded over your season and, like, we were able to reconnect and talk about, like, when we haven't talked in years. And now I was like, that's cool. That makes me feel good. I love that. And so there you go.

It's a little bonding thing for him when he can talk to his friends about Real Housewives for three hours. That fills his soul. Totally. Yeah. I think that for me, it's like TV. I have this weird relationship with TV. Like when I was little, we weren't allowed to watch TV. And then, like, when I left home, I just, like, got crazy about TV, you know, because

you go to the complete opposite. Like, I was having Snickers and Butterfingers for dinner and watching TV, like, the dream come true. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I just found, like, that I just had this toxic relationship with television. And now, like, just, you know, love watching drag race and I really enjoy that. And other than that, I just let Richard have that.

But also because I'm building a business. You know, I'm out here hustling because we live in San Diego and I just, I'm up in L.A. Like three times, three days out of the week. Are you really? Yeah. How about a drive is that? It's like two hours. Oh.

It's easy going, coming up here. I really want to be here and we're planning on moving up. But like, you know, it takes time. And, you know, I drive up and then, because I have a show called The Road to Self-Love where I get in the car with people and we drive around and we talk about self-love. Wait, that is genius. Thanks. Is that on your website or is that on YouTube?

So it's launching in March. So I've been recording a bunch. But it will be on YouTube and I'm going to be releasing the audio as a podcast. Oh, that's so smart. Yeah. So you're going to be on it. Oh, yes. Yeah.

I actually really love that idea. Awesome. Don't steal it. Since we're besties, I can't. But if I didn't like you, I might. Oh, perfect. I'm just kidding. You know how people always talk.

about what is it called the love languages and like I think we focus so much to you on love languages for your partner and I'm like just thinking now I didn't it's not even in my notes it was just coming to I'm like wait what is people like we should be thinking about what's our love language to ourselves because I'm like what do I deal but I'm maybe the same like words for me are so powerful and even if they're if they're not nice words they're powerful if they're really nice words. They're powerful. You know, words affect me a lot. What would you say yours is? So, I show love

with gifts. Like, I love giving gifts. And then I receive words of affirmation 100%. Yeah. So that's why I love going to Gucci and buying myself things. Yeah. That's so funny. I am so the opposite of that.

Like, gifts to me and like, like, I'm like, what is it? Gookie? Gooky. Yeah. That's it. Like, I don't know any name. brands of anything like yeah it's just but i always get i'm like god i wish i you know i wish i was just that person that would just go drop a few on like a nice bag but i'm like i had a purse from pay less shoes for like three years that was my purse well now you have this beautiful new self-love is the best medicine tote bag yeah exactly i'm going to carry that around for the next five years i mean

please it's going to be worth something at that by then yeah well after this podcast i mean i know There's me pumping my own tires again. I want to know more about your journey to getting to where you are with the losing the weight and the coming out. Like that must have been, that's a lot of heavy stuff. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. And it's crazy to me that you said about emotional weight.

Like, I don't think people realize, like, how you treat your body even just with stress can affect certain things and what you put in your body and how you're, like my health and wellness coach, Aaron Trulor, she always. told me like when you're eating a meal do you just eat and not think about it and she was like try and get in the habit of like actually sitting down and breathing while you eat and like thinking about what you're putting in your body and just being more aware while you eat and she goes and tell me how you feel in like two weeks and I started doing that now it's like a habit of mine because I'm go go go go go and I've from working in restaurants too like you just you scarf down whatever you could get at in like two minutes and then you go again and so I think I was in this habit of just like stress eating and just like wah and and i started doing that and it's changed my

life yeah it's crazy just what you know just certain little things like that of what emotional weight and stress can do to your body yeah i call that practice feeling your food yes and uh actually every single one of my clients comes to me with some sort of like emotional eating piece and that's why part of my program specifically deals with that we get into the habit of right of writing down how we're feeling before, during, and after we eat. So not only does that space out the time that we're putting stuff in our body, but it gives us time to reflect and notice that, you know, every time I get into a fight with my parents or my partner,

I am really craving Taco Bell. Yeah. And what is that? What is that about? And then we pause and we say, oh, it's because I'm feeling out of control. I'm not feeling grounded. So I need to go fill my body up with all of that. this food that's easy it's quick it's cheap and it's distracting and it's distracting and then you're so

heavy you're so weighted that you're like down on the ground yeah literally grounding yourself because you're full yeah that's wild to think about actually i go the opposite way when i'm stressed i i like have to force myself to like remember to eat something because i i lose my appetite when i'm stressed everybody's different obviously but i always like tried to like dig into that Like, why, like, it's like I get sick to my stomach when I'm stressed. Yeah. So I don't crave food. I'm like, I crave wine.

I mean, that's your distraction. But, yeah, exactly. Like, that can be my distraction sometimes. I'm like, oh, you know, I'll just have a glass of wine and feel better. But it's like, it's just noticing. Like, that's the first step. Yeah. And it's not, I'm not like, I'm going to get blackout drunk and not feel my feelings.

I'm like, oh, I just need a glass of wine to feel better. I guess that don't make you bad people. No, it doesn't. Nothing. Like, if it fills you up and there aren't, like, deep woundings and traumas and triggers underneath your actions, then by all means, you know? Yeah. And what did you, I don't know if you said this earlier. What age was it that you came out? So I came out when I was 25. Okay. And then I got back in the closet and then I came out again at 27. Oh, that's a thing? It was for me. You know, I just, I was so scared. I was terrified. Why?

Just like, was your parents or like? It was a little bit of everything. It was the fact that like I was, I was dating this girl and then we broke up and then I just immediately started dating men. And then the man that I was dating, he was five years older than me. And at that time, he was like, you need to come out to your family. And I just wasn't ready. Yeah. I wasn't ready.

So, but because. I was like looking to him and he was you know like the the sugar daddy that I always dreamt I wanted and by the way it's not as good as everyone makes it no of course it's not yeah yeah it's not you don't want it emotionally or financially rely on somebody amen yeah learn that the hard way I know from experience yeah so he pushed me to come out and naturally like I don't blame him for that because if I didn't want to I wouldn't have done it but I did it and and then I realized that I wasn't ready. And because of that, like, got out of the relationship and, and ended up, like, getting back into the relationship with the girl that I was dating before. And it took me a while

longer to break out of that cycle. Yeah. You just had a little setback. Yeah. And it's like, I'm, you know what? I was like to say, like, I'm only human. You know, that's it. Great song. Yeah. And then on your blog, you said that this is your year of yes. So what have you already said yes to this year um i mean okay so i said yes to being here i was supposed to still be in new york and and you came back for me i came back for you girlfriend oh my god we are best i mean yeah so and just like saying yes more to me really that that's the big deal this year is the word the year of yes and the year of ask so that's my major word like i'm always asking i'm like hey like or telling like you're going to be on my show. I just like love to send people messages on Instagram and be like,

hey, I'm doing this. I would love for you. Like, what's the worst that could happen? Well, look, it's, I thought that was so cool. I saw the video that you made like, here's why for Julie, like, here's why I need to be on your podcast. And I was like, get him on my podcast. This is perfect. Amazing. We're a little match made in heaven. And I mean, and I have questions from you from a couple listeners. I'm just going to get to them. And then we will, I mean, I could talk to you all day. Great. Well, let's cancel everything else. Yeah. Next three podcasts. Bye. Bye. Not important. I'm going to hang out with Paul. Okay. Mary Elizabeth said, would you rather speak all languages or be able to speak to all

animals? All animals. Well, imagine talking to your dog? I mean, I want to know what he's thinking. I know. Everyone wants to know their dogs are thinking. That's like the, if I could have any superpower, it would be to know what dogs are thinking. But are they even like, like, they're not even thinking in English or whatever. But I would want it to translate into English. Absolutely. Yeah. So what's your answer?

Dogs. Yeah, absolutely. All animals. Yeah. Tori Lynn says, what is your advice for people stuck in a self-sabotage cycle? When you try and get on track with weight loss, organization, eating better, et cetera, but you break yourself down over the smallest failure and revert back to bad habits. Caitlin, you are not alone.

Everyone goes through this. I have a perfect strategy for you. It's a four-part strategy. It's called the Paul strategy. It's an acronym. Is this on your website? This is, is this on my website? Well, I don't know.

It's on the podcast now. It's on the podcast now. It's on my Instagram, for sure. I talk about it always. Okay. So the first P stands for presence. So you've got to get present with this. So clearly writing out this question, you are aware that you're self-sabotaging, right?

So you're present. Great. check off that box. A stands for accountability. So we're going to hold ourselves accountable. We're going to get accountability here going forward. So I am in charge of how I'm feeling. I'm in charge of what I'm doing.

The act of blaming other people is not a thing. Like you could blame, like I could blame you for having this podcast on a day that I was supposed to be in New York. Right. But, and I couldn't show up. But instead, I was like, no, I'm going to take ownership. I'm going to change my flight. And I'm going to get out and I'm going to be there.

I love that. So, like, so you get accountable, right? And then you is unconditional acceptance. You unconditionally accept where you are. Give yourself a little credit. You are fighting. You are, you are, you want to make the change. You're just feeling like emotionally broken down right now and that's okay.

Yeah. What we talked about before, feel your feelings. Yeah. Feel angry. Feel upset. Feel it all. And then full circle, L is for love. So you just give yourself.

Thank God. Your name's Paul. I mean, thank God, right? That's perfect. You're trying, you're like trying to think, like, whoa, K-LM-B. Yeah, I'm like, that's like, what the, okay, uh, K-L with a K. Oh, my gosh, amazing. But yes, L for love.

Yeah, so just like love yourself. So it's like any time, you can apply this to really anything you're going through. If you're in, like, an argument with your spouse, your partner, your family, whatever, apply the Paul strategy, get present with yourself, hold yourself accountable, unconditionally accept that you are where you are and then throw some love at it. Yeah. That's great. Thanks. Yeah, I'm going to use that.

I'm going to write it down. I think my claim to like 2019 so far, someone said that their New Year's resolution was Paul. Wow. Yeah. That's cool. You're just changing life. I mean, you really are. I started crying thinking about it yesterday.

Yeah. Well, it's a lot. Like it's in the best way. Like it's overwhelming in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. Because it, I mean, you're, you're just doing very important work here. Like, it really is.

And like you said earlier, it's, it shows up for you in relationships and business and every way of your life if you practice self-love. It's just, you know, there's no downfall to it. Monica says, how do you make the transition from saying things that indicate you love yourself to actually believing them and truly loving yourself? I think a lot of people struggle transitioning from one to the other. And this is what I was saying earlier. If you just keep working at it and keep telling yourself, that's, that worked for me. And I think that something deeper is to really figure out your why behind the things you're saying. You know, like, if you're like, you know, five foot one and you really want to be six foot, if you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're like, I'm beautiful, I'm six foot, like, why are you saying that?

Like, clearly, like, that's a little delusional. Maybe that was like a little too far out there. But, you know, it's just like this thing, like you sit down and you look at yourself in the mean. and it's like, why do you want, like we were talking about with my clients, like, why do you want the flat stomach? Why do you want this job? Why do you want this relationship? Like, if you're affirming those things that you think are self-love, but you want them for the

wrong reasons, then that's why you're not feeling it, because it doesn't really align with you. That's important, finding things that align with you. And I think, I think that, I mean, this is why I love podcasting, too. is because of having conversations like this, because then, I mean, I get a few downloads. And I'm, like, thinking of how many people can listen to this and just, like, be a little more self-aware and work on themselves just from listening to this podcast.

I'm like, that's awesome. And that's my mission. It's really, like, you said, to inspire and empower humanity to love unconditionally. Yeah. And it's really, really important to me to be able to do this on a large level. Right. Right now, I'm a coach.

Yeah. And that pays. my bills but like my goal is to just like be on another level where I can just like sit down and I really have this passion to like go into like big corporations and help them restructure their business around just like love and and really something so I had I did this workshop in in New York called How to Practice Self Love in the Digital Age and we talked and I had a whole team from a social media department come in and they're like what do we do like our whole job and how we're like paid and and measured is on social media yeah and I was like are you celebrating

anything and they're like what do you mean and I was like every time you make a post every time you get a like a comment celebrate and they're like well how do we do that and I was like do this with me reach your arm up over your head bring your hand behind your back and give yourself a pat on the back yes it feels so good I don't know why you're not doing it right now I was like well do it I am good for you Caitlin good for you she's like this is drink that wine and you talk and you talk you change people's lives that's awesome you know what mirror high fives and pat yourself on the back i like to double tap the mirror too like double tap oh like you got that's like or no like instagram like it like i'm like in myself oh that's funny yeah double tap for myself

in the mirror like literally touch the mirror i love that i'm going to use that i'm probably going to do an instagram story about i'll tag you perfect i'll give you the cred okay so tell me tell everybody where they can find you because um I know that people are going to want to hear more from you. So tell us. So you can find me on Instagram at Paul Fishman. So that's my first name, Paul. My last name, Fish, like the things that swim in the sea, man like me.

And then my website is Paulfishman. And on my website, you can find out how to apply to work with me in my group coaching program. I also offer one-on-one. Gosh, do you have like a wait list? I will on one. But, you know, the thing is, like, I get so many applications. but there's it's one thing to like write out all the stuff but it's another thing to get on the phone and actually talk yeah so um for you for people who are like scared of admitting that

they need support i also have this um virtual community called self-love on demand which i really really love and basically um you come in and i do monthly just like live workshops on zoom so like you can join in and then i have like workbooks that you can use and it's like less than your cell phone bill a month just so like a way for me to like really change the world because not everyone wants like have that one-on-one time but like you can show up in a community we have a secret Facebook group you can apply for like one-on-one calls with me and then like I bring in people from outside the community to talk about different ways that they love themselves so amazing yeah that's a really really great thing and and one last thing before we wrap up this is going to be

coming out on Valentine's Day what is your one piece of advice and I'm laughing right now Thinking about what I did, I think it was five years ago, I was single, and I had just come out of a heartbreak, and I was single on Valentine's Day, and I posted a photo on Instagram, and I made it like a mirrored image, and it was just me kissing myself, like, and I said, happy Valentine's Day, Caitlin, I love you. I mean, my drop. And that's when it all started. So what would your advice be to anyone that's struggling with Valentine's Day? What would you tell them? Love yourself today? I mean, as simple as that.

It is as simple as that, but really just, like, know that Valentine's Day has nothing to do with you. Yeah. And you are in complete control of how you are feeling. And if you are feeling angry, feel it. No one said you have to act a certain way. Once again, self-love is devotion to your individuality. Yeah. That's it.

It's amazing. So take it. Well, I just, I absolutely adore you. And I think you're doing just an amazing thing. and I can't wait to talk to you more because we're friends now. Yes, we are. I'll be back. And I love San Diego, so there's that too.

And you'll eventually be here. But thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I will have you back. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, of course. Oh, my gosh. Everybody go follow him and call him and go on his website and do all the things. I'm Caitlin Bristow and your session is now ending.

Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday, exclusively on podcast.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's done with OTV? This week's grape therapy is sponsored by Walt Disney. Plan your next magical getaway today and Tommy John. Visit Tommyjohn.com slash fine for 20% off your first order.