Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: The Bachelorette Redemption Recap with Lo VonRumpf

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

Everyone loves a comeback, so our friend Lo is back on the mic (notes in hand) to redeem himself after the hot mess that was the last recap he did with Kaitlyn. The two of them first recap their rollercoaster of a day together in Nashville which consisted of fancy tequila shots, a nice outdoor fire, and Kaitlyn sobbing in the fetal position. Then, it’s time to get into the second episode of Michelle’s season. Is Kaitlyn smarter than a 5th grader? Does Lo know what a hypotenuse is? What does MVP stand for? Is going to Harvard equivalent to being vegan? We’re diving into all of these important questions and many more. Lo goes through his detailed notes on each contestant and describes why most of them are vanilla sundaes who should be sent home ASAP. They wrap with a quiz that proves Lo’s notes were NOT stolen from a fellow classmate. If you love slam poetry and pinky toes, this one’s for you.  Find Lo on Instagram @stylelvr and listen to his podcast The Lo Life!  BEAM ORGANICS - Get the sleep of your dreams with Beam's Dream powder. If you subscribe now, you’ll get 35% OFF your first month of Dream, PLUS get a free mug and frother. Just head to beamorganics.com/offthevine.   CHINET - Chinet Brand makes premium disposable tableware for all of life’s gatherings. Visit mychinet.com to find out more. GEICO - Go to Geico.com, get a q uote, and see how much YOU could save. It’s GEICO-easy! LEE FIORI - Create your everyday jewelry collection with Lee Fiori. Visit LeeFiori.com/vine and use the prom o code vine15 to save 15% on your order. OXICLEAN - Visit OxicleanCoupons.com right now, where a coupon is waiting for you. TRAVISMATHEW - Visit a TravisMathew retail store or make your way to TravisMathew.com/radio and take 20% off your TravisMathew order when you use the code VINE20 at checkout.   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Great Therapy. Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your question. Drink to your convenience. sessions and hear what you have to say about anything bachelor let's shake it up some more here's katelyn welcome to off the vine i'm your host caitland bristow guess who's in the house today in the actual house hey oh hot potato in the house you're one of my favorite people on planet earth and sometimes on jupiter when we go there sure do after a fun little edible yep but Today in the flesh, Lowe is here to hang with me for, you're here for what?

Well, eight more days now. Eight more. Glorious days. Glorious days. We have so much fun together. A week, eight days. Nope. A week sounds too short.

And obviously I had to come get you to redeem yourself on the Bachelorette recap. Yeah. Because last time you didn't know. You're like, are you ever going to let me live this down? No. I will not. Not until I redeem myself. And you did this episode.

Sure. Freaking dead. You really did. in for a little spicy treat. Oh, gosh. It was so fun talking to you. And we did a, actually, like, when we first started, I was like, are we even going to, like, recap it?

Because sometimes we just get going on our little. Yeah. Our convo's, like how we just talk in normal life. Right. But we got there. And it was fun. And Lowe gives us a little breakdown of all of the men and what he thinks. Spoiler alert.

He thinks most of them are vanilla Sundays. Yeah. Yeah, good old Vanil Sunday. Send him home. Send him home. Come on, Michelle. We'll probably have more stories by the end of this week, so we'll have to do another podcast.

But in the meantime, let's get to the podcast, shall we? Yeah, let's do it. Take a little dive. We should do that intuition challenge. Have you ever seen that on TikTok where they do an intuition challenge?

No, I'm so down to do it with you. Okay, close your eyes. Put the mic down. Okay. Put the mic down. I'm going to close my eyes. And just whenever you think I'm going to clap, you clap. Ready?

Keep your eyes closed. I'm even going to put my hands below here so you can't see. But keep your eyes closed. Okay, ready? Oh. Wait. Okay, wait. Let's do it again.

Okay. Wait, are you leading the clap? You just have to go when you think I'm going to clap. Okay. Never mind. It's not working. We're definitely not. I really sad.

I really thought we were going to be one of those people that class at the same time. I thought so, too. Well, we were amazing at that one game that we did. It was uncomfortably accurate, where we had to draw. Oh, right. But it was like, oh, we got movies,

and then we would have to draw it out and guess what the movie title was. Right. I couldn't believe. I put a line down the middle of the paper, and you go, Forrest Gump. I drew a circle Lion King

Circle of Life Yeah And then I think I just drew like A happy face like Beaver Vendetta I'm like really wow You just Yeah that was And Jason was like it's cheating

Because you guys like get each other so much Yeah he's like that's how are you getting this? I don't understand He couldn't get any of them That's very funny So I mean I feel like you went into my brain scrambled it up and left your little Judy Mark

For life I just went in and sprinkled some beauty cocktail in there. Okay, I also, maybe my intuition is off because I am off today for a very good reason. Yeah. We were just laughing about this off the podcast. And I was like, let's just talk about it on the podcast because yesterday was a fucking day. Sure was. Had ourselves a day.

I mean, it's still great. It's still great. Oh, it was great. Yeah. But I just, I am, have you met more of a roller coaster of a human and, you? your life? I have, actually. Yeah, you should feel good in that sense. Because you're a roller coaster, but I feel like, uh, you're not off the rails. You're on the set track. We know the ups, downs. I know what to, I know what to, I know what to expect. There's others. I'm like, didn't expect

that dip. Didn't expect to throw up a couple times. And at the end of the roller coaster, you know there's that one moment that you have to smile for the camera. That's what I, boom. I'm like, and she's back. Yeah. She's back. Yeah. Peace. And then at the end of it, I know on this little Judy roller coaster, I'm going to get a great photo, something fun to remember the little roller coaster ride. And then I'll, you know, be rewarded with the churro if I stayed on the whole time. And thank you. Your churro was my interpretive dance I gave you last night. Two in the morning.

So we woke up yesterday and I went to do my usual workout that I do. And it's no joke of a workout. It's no joke. So intense. Like I walk out of their flexing because I like, I deadlifted. some heavy weight. I squat. I like really get into it. Butch. Yeah. Butching it up. Butching it up. And I was like, okay, get my workout in. And then I realized that I had two

back-to-back workouts with Aaron Opria. And then we went into dinner. And we had Jose Cuervo shots. No, they weren't. Low. They were. Why? Why did that happen? First of all, they were served so beautifully, serving in donkey piss and a gorgeous glass. With salt and, like, the pretty lot. It was, like, done well. So I thought at least. It was a mind f*** because we thought it was. Psychological warfare.

Who's doing this to us? The bartenders over at the Dutch. And I will say, if anyone is in Nashville, go to the W hotel, go to the rooftop for a cocktail, and go to the Dutch for dinner. It was very sexy. It was very sexy. It really was New York vibes. And we, like, sat by the big fireplace. And it was funny because we went to have a drink first.

And everyone was, like, cheers me to Jason for his birthday. I'm all happy to be together. And so the bartender saw that. So she brought us shots for Jason's birthday. And we were like, like my, I did not want to do a shot last night. And so anyways, we all take the shot of tequila and it was actually quite smooth. And yeah, it was really good. And then everyone was like, whoa, what was that?

Fortale's. What's that expensive one? I don't know that. Bousie brand. And then I was like, imagine it was like, Jose Cuervo, actually. And she just looked at me and she pulled up the bottle and it was Jose Cuervo. but. Oh, Blanco, though. Blanco, blue label. Oh, a fancy quervo. A fancy quervo. Okay. Yeah. But like the traditional Mots apple juice colored Jose Cuervo.

Oh. I can't. No. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. But I'll do a Blanco. I can do that again. It was nice. Yeah, I'd put a Blanco again. It was actually quite nice. And then we had wine and dinner and it was delicious. It was a incredible dinner. And then we walked out and we come home. And I decided. to have a little breakdown. Yeah, little emotional meltdown. Why not? And then I... It's 1.30 in the morning.

Yeah, why not mix in a quick meltdown? I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm so tired. And then I got in the shower, laid in the fetal position, fried. Sure did. Got out and was like, let's turn the beat around. He came out for round two.

I was outside on the little backyard here. By the way, your backyard. Isn't it just a little oasis? Very peaceful. Yeah, it really is. We had the fire going. Jason and I were just laughing. Yeah.

And enjoying the fire. Yeah. And you came out and you go, why are you guys laughing at me? What's so funny? What is so freaking funny that you guys are just having little chuckle sash out here? Because you know when people are laughing and then you walk into a room and everyone stops? That's what you guys did.

I walked out and you guys stopped laughing and like look at me like oh and I was like what why are you laughing at me yeah no we were not laughing at you at all we're laughing actually Jason was just cracking to me up talking shit about me actually of course and how I order my steak and he's disgusted by it why what do you order how do you I Jason likes it you know again testosterone yeah you know he wants it red just bloodied up oh little fur on that stuff ew oh yeah That is so disgusting. Right off the freaking farm.

Do you still see the blade mark? I can't. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to be sick. He likes it rare, which honestly, if you're a steak eater, I think that's the proper way to order it. According to the waitress and I don't know, a lot of people like rare steak or Carpaccio, which is like raw meat. It's not my thing. I like, you know, a carne asada.

I like, you know, cook it up, make sure it's cooked all the way. I don't like the taste of meat. Me either. So I'd rather have that, like, that, like, charcoal-y-bird taste or anything but, like, actual beef. Yeah. So, anyway, I ordered a steak last night, but... When you just said that there was still fur on it, I'm not over that comment yet, because, like, did people forget that that's where it comes from? Like...

Sure do. I mean, yeah, people don't want to think about that. I can't. Like, chickens have feathers. Sick. I don't mind killing a chicken. Oh. Yeah.

Kill it with my parents. I'm back. Sure what? No, I don't like birds and I still could never stand the birds. So anytime I see him, I'm like, that has a good breast on it. You know, I could put some lemon pepper on that sucker. Oh. And just go to town.

Oh, give me those chicken titties. Oh, wait, have we started the episode? Yeah. I love, I don't. At this point of the game, I don't know, 20 episodes, they don't even get a name. No. You guys know, this piece of shit. So usually for my guests, I have the background info on them at the top of my screen.

This is what my background info says from my producer. If you need background info on low, then we have a problem here. Fair enough. So I'll do. This is what I usually do. So now I just jump right into the interviews and then I do the intro after so that I can know what we talk. about, give it a little tease. Okay.

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Here's the thing. I just want to apologize to all the vinos out there who thought I didn't watch the show because you were right. I, you know, I just did a little brief, you know, it was kind of fast forwarding through. I had edibles going through my system. There was a lot of factors. I was a little tired. Yeah. Yeah, I was also on my phone.

There was just, again, wasn't completely. You were distracted. Heavily distracted. That's okay. And then by the end of the episode, I was on Planet Mars. sleeping on jupe on the jupes um so this time i thought

okay i gotta redeem myself i'm gonna make the vinos proud hopefully you've got notes look at your notes copious notes on this oh yeah this is adorable you have to do like sats

you have to do a video on this so we can post it on the off the vine page so people can see your sweet little notes even like scratched out some things and rewrote it that's really cute I'm like my notes so embarrassed Well, you know what? America loves a good redemption story. Yeah.

You know, I fell up to the bottom and now I'm on my way back to the top with a great recap. I'm coming here today. I want to be like, who's someone that does good recaps besides you, of course? Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison doesn't do recaps. Oh, shit. Well, he does now, maybe. I don't know.

You know, do something as free time. He definitely doesn't know. Okay. Well, he's like, doesn't even want to talk about the show. Well, okay, well, I'm someone who's going to do a good recap, you know? Yeah. That's right. I'm at, like a professional.

We all love a comeback story. That's what I'm hoping for. So let's jump into it, shall we? Yeah, we shall. The first step on the date was the spelling, no, are you smarter than a fifth grade? I would have failed miserably. Like, would you do good in a spelling bee? I love to spelling bee.

I'm a pretty good speller. Yeah, spelling's good. Math's not my strong point, but like speech and debate, spelling. Spell Michelle. M-I-C-H-E-D-L-E Accent on the E, depending on the country, you're seeing it in. I didn't need to use it in a sentence. Michelle A.

What about math? How are your math skills? Terrible. Me too. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm really bad. You know those people that can, like Jason's one of those. Oh, eight numbers.

You got 976. You're going to take 63 off at multiply it by three and then add 10% for a discount. And he's like, yep, $83 and $7. I'm like, what? He'll know the number like that. It's pretty impressive. My brain doesn't operate like that. He gets boners over numbers.

Yeah, I get it. Which is cool. It's the job that he does. Yeah. Yeah, but not me. Or creative minds. Yeah, that's what I say to make myself feel smarter. I'm just creative.

I'm funny sometimes. I like art and turtles. I like poodles. I like turtles. God. Yeah, I also did not remember that two negatives multiplied together equal to positive. Like, I'm still not even. convinced that that was the answer.

What? The, we're talking, oh, basic fundamentals of math. But yeah, sure. You know what? Like, never in my life have I used the information that was taught in grade five. So what, you know? I'm not going to use pie ever in my 3.147, like, you know. Never.

Never needed it. Never. Never have used a protractor in my miserable life. Yeah. Like, what is a hypotenuse anyways? No, it's like some fancy LaCroy flavor. Isn't it? Isn't that?

Isn't it? I forget. I'm thinking hybiscous. No. Oh, I'm thinking of pampal moose. Pampal moose. Which is La Croix. Oh, my gosh.

How do you say that damn drink? Sorry, I have written down the whole two negatives multiplied together equals a positive. I didn't know that. And when I googled it, the answer was, when you have two negative signs, one turns over and they add together to make positive. Each number has an additive, inverse. associated to it, a sort of opposite number, which when added to the original number gives zero. The fact that the product of two negatives is a positive is therefore related to the fact the inverse of the inverse of a positive number is that positive number back again.

Completely lost me. I don't understand a lick of that. Didn't hear a word of what you said. A lick. Like how in the hell will I ever be able to help my kids with homework? Like Jason, not fine. I'm not worried about it. Jason has that covered. For the math, stuff. When it comes to building a fun volcano, you know? Yeah. Or, you know, a fun costume. Yeah. Or any, well, I'm sure you were good in other subjects. English. I was really good at English, actually. Yeah.

And I love to history. Oh, you're an avid reader. You love to read. I do love to read. Yeah. Okay. Well, I feel like the guys did okay. Some of them did better than others. Yeah. But it was a very revealing classroom. Yeah. And I think it's, I actually love that they did that because it was sweet. Like to have the kids there. and she's a teacher, which I learned.

Yeah. Brandon can't spell, but what did you think when the one guy put Peter for how you spell a narcissist? Oh, yeah. I thought it was actually funny. It was hilarious. Yeah.

Peter doesn't think it was funny. Yeah, he took it real personal. But the thing is, Peter has, I wrote down what I think of each guy. Okay. At some point in this podcast, I'll go over it. What do you think about Peter? Okay, let me...

One of my piece. Lick your finger. Where's my little Peter's synops? on here. You got to wrote some notes on him. Okay. Oh, Peter, I put, wait, where is he for real, though? Oh, I put Jersey Shore, send him home, not into it.

Those are my notes on him. So, oh, but great skin. He does a good skin. Great skin, jersey, yeah. Oh, and I didn't like, he said something like, yeah, I got to show my elf energy, you know, I just, I don't know, toxic masculinity. And like, read your audience. Michelle doesn't like that.

That's, yeah, not something she'd be attracted to it. But he stayed. So clearly he's doing something, right? Or the producers were like, you got to keep his ass here. He's adding some spice, this little villain. Yeah, he was a little villain. Do you know, do you know I actually watched that group date from my balcony? I turned off all the lights and poured myself a glass of wine and I sat on my balcony and watched that whole group date go down.

Wow. Oh, that's a surreal experience. It really was, but I like watch them all walk and sit down into their date area and I watch all the guys steal her. And then I heard the yelling and. I heard the yelling. It was really crazy. It was right in front of my room. So it was very, um, entertaining.

You know, front row seat. Yeah, to the shit show. To the shit show. It was really fun. Uh, okay, so Brandon really, I feel like they had some sparks. Like Michelle kept leaning in for a kiss of Brandon. Oh, I wrote. Okay, Brandon notes.

Not a good spelling. Great kisser. I wrote, uh, bullshit pie with extra cheese. Not feeling it. Failed at spelling. Don't trust him. Send him home. Those are my thoughts on Brandon.

I was actually, because I know these guys, I was actually really surprised, like, watching the whole episode being like, oh, oh, like, some of them surprised me, some of them disappointed me, some of them made me laugh. Because, you know, but Brandon, I was like, what is that cheesy? It was too much. It was like, I mean, I love the movie. But Michelle called him out. It was so funny. I'm glad she did, because it was, I almost was like, oh, my God, a walk to remember. Yeah.

You're trying to live that moment. But Mandy Moore had her career stop. Yeah. Okay, Brandon, back it up and wrap it up. You fucking narcissist. I'm just kidding. He's probably a sweetest guy. He's the sweetest guy.

I'm such a bitch. No, it was just, that moment was cheesy. And like, I don't know, I just, there's something about him. I was like, I feel like he's playing it up, hamming it up for the cameras. Yeah, it was a little cheesy. It was a little cheesy. But sweetheart and cheese. all. Yeah. What did you say too much cheese on the pie? Yeah, bullshit pie with extra cheese. No thanks. Gives

me food poisoning. What about Will? Okay, Peter and Will. Gosh, I really was right there listening to them yell. I was like, okay, I actually want to go to sleep now. This was this date was at like two in the morning. Oh, I put Will. Oh, I just put called Peter out. Awkward. Send him home. Oh, do we like anyone? I do. I have my favorites. What about Rick? Because I loved his little homework assignment with the fill in the blanks. Oh, that was cute. And Michelle's words for that were so good. So good. Powerful. That's sweet. It was good. What do you have written down about? Rick. Do you? Oh, smart, genuine. Keep him for another episode. Oh, for another episode. I like Rick. Okay. Um, one-on-one date, Jamie. It said, I'm looking for someone to be my rock. They went rock climbing. What'd you think about that date? Oh, you can let me remind you. It was like 120 degrees that day.

Where was this? Palm Springs. Oh, wow. 120 degrees and they went rock climbing even closer to the sun. Oh, that sounds like hell. Yeah. Oh, that explains because I was like, wow, people are really sweating it up on that couch. Yeah.

Well, of course they are. Oh, my gosh. They're in the desert. So hot. Yeah, it was, it was hot. So Jamie is the controversial figure. Right. He's taking me on a roller coaster ride.

Oh, absolutely. Because at first, well, at first I liked him because I love the Lion King and he does look like scar to me. That's all I see is scar. He killed Mufasa. That's what I'm seeing, which I love that. I like that vibe. Right.

You know, it's like kind of a villain, but also like bad boy. But, and then I like that he's like, what if she's not the one for me? Like, what if she's not good enough for me? And people didn't really like that, but I was like, that's a fair statement. I don't think he said good enough, but he was like, basically like, we have to be right for each other. And I was like, oh, he's a realist. I like that. He's here for the right reasons.

Totally. Yeah. I'm picking up what you're putting down. scar but then but i didn't like though is it all went to shit the date was cute by the way i liked him on the date too yeah i did too i really liked him on the date and when i heard his story like obviously that was just heartbreaking and michelle cried i was crying yeah sweet it was really and her response to it all like it really made me just want to jump through the screen and hug him and it was like a really deep conversation and it was sad yeah he'd been through a lot of

lot. Sure. A lot of people have. And here's the thing. With Jamie, uh, after your face, I'm like, yeah, we all have. Here's the thing. No, that is sad when he's gone through. My heart goes out to him. Of course. T's and peace, if you will. But the gossiping. Come on. Ruined it. Yeah. And it was really interesting because he used the other guys as a mouthpiece. Yeah. Like, I didn't like that he was like, oh, everyone else is talking about this and I thought I would come to you when he was the one talking about it the whole time. It was like when Peter was trying to say

he's not a narcissist and then made it all about Peter not being a narcissist. This is about me. He doesn't know me. That's how I felt about it. If you Google narcissist, that would come up. Yeah. Yeah, I just didn't like how he used the other guys

as his mouthpiece. I actually would have been fine if he said something like that, which he didn't need to. Yeah. But he's like, it actually like doesn't really bother me. Like that you've been with, or it was the insinuation that she was dating someone prior to coming in and she might still have a relationship with them, which is not accurate. That's not. No. Right. Yeah. And I like that she said that if you see a woman of color and a black guy automatically, oh, there are a couple. Yep. She handled that situation so well because we obviously were there. And she was like, I need a minute because this is a deeper issue for me. This isn't just about them questioning my character. But now it's. also become a thing where I have had to deal with this in the past where a woman of color hanging out with another man of color were automatically dating that was like one of her good

friends by the way that she was with oh okay and people like oh she's booed up with a basketball like light skin bald head that that really yeah that um understandably really rocked her and she needed a minute but she composes herself and she thinks about what she's going to say yeah and she addresses it and she's a really good bachelor's i would have I would have burst in there being like, you motherfuckers. How did get out. Get out of here. They have to call Jamie out, though, eventually.

I couldn't believe he didn't just step up and be like, it was me. He was like, do, do, do, do. Yeah. Oh, how awkward that feeling is, though, when everyone's like, who said it? What douchebag is causing drama? What piece of shit? And he was like, yeah. Yeah, they're a total piece of shit.

Yeah. Who would do something like that? Yeah, I wasn't, I didn't like that. But also, don't cancel the cocktail party. Well, I wanted to see it. I'm sorry, I had to. Did you ask her, you're like, why don't you take a beat, huh? Yeah, she was done with it.

Take a play out of the good old Judy handbook. Yeah, and call it quits. Cancel that cocktail party and go straight to the row ceremony. There you go. Yeah. I mean, I get it. It made people on edge. Well, you're just so drained at one point that you're like, God, I already know what I'm going to do.

let's yeah yeah it's and then i love when the guys are like well that would have been my chance to talk to and like it could have changed her mind it really isn't she knows who she's like yeah you know you know who you're vibing with all righty i'm no magician over here but lately i've been feeling like one when i do my laundry because i've been using oxyclean white revive laundry whitener and stain remover and let me tell you it really does work like magic i've just been organizing my closet for fall and winter because i know the colder weather is coming soon and i've definitely found a couple of items that need to be brought back to life. And that is where oxyclean white revive comes in. Okay, so I have to explain to you why it really does seem like magic. Oxyclean

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What did you think about the basketball day? Oh, cute. Sweet Joe. Killing it. Minnesota boy. Oh, and he had to get the news. He had to get the news of losing his coach. I think that rocked him because if anyone has played sports or like, even has had a mentor in their life.

Like, they become like family to you. And to get that news when you're already like a vulnerable state. Yes. Yeah. Sad. And then he got to do a basketball date. Like he probably, you know, that's probably really tough for him. I love that he got the MVP.

I didn't know that while I was at the date. I didn't know he'd gotten that call. Wait, what does it mean that he became MVP? Most valuable player. He got, he was on the losing team. And also like, VIP is very important penis. Oh, I know what MVP stands for. No, I was just wondering, like, do you get like a little extra time with her?

Yeah. So he was on the losing team. So he would have went home, but she picked him to be the MVP. piece of he got to come after, which made people even more like, what the hell? But Nate is just chilling. Nate's like, I'm confident. Well, he knows he's very cute. He's aware of it, hopefully not to his detriment.

Yeah. You know, he has a little bit of a fuck boy vibe, but he's also super, yeah, but he's so cute. And he's actually one of my favorites. Yeah. Because you can tell he's just like not in the drama. Yeah. The thing is, though, just curious, how do you feel about Joe? Take, I mean, the fact that he ghosted her.

I know. Before she came into the house. Well, he's got his reasons. Does he? Yeah. He was going through some stuff. Oh. Yeah.

Wait, you know this? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, then I'm Team Joe again. Yeah. Just like that. And now people can either believe that or not believe that. Oh, you had to say, he was going through stuff.

Okay. I love him. He's great. And he got the group date rose. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Deserved it. He did.

Yeah. He's one of my favorites, too. I love me some Joe. Yeah. And Nate. Joe and Nate. Okay. What about, well, we already canceled the podcast.

cocktail party. So, so yeah, sorry, I canceled the cocktail party. Oh, yeah. Yeah, canceled it. And I'm happy I did. Okay. Okay. Let's go through the guys. Tell me what you think. Here we go. Okay. I'm going to start off with Clayton. Okay. I wrote my, this is just these notes that I wrote. Yep. You've only seen one episode. You're going off that. Yep. Okay. Here we go. Just knee jerk reaction. Clayton, I put vanilla Sunday, football, All-American, fun. Oh, there's rumor. He's the next baffler. Oh, really? Yeah. I can see that. Yeah. He's that like classic corn fed.

Where's he from? I don't remember he's from. Like Milwaukee. There we go. Yeah. Makes sense. Perfect. I put, oh, we did Peter, Dush, Canoe, Jersey Shore.

Great skin, minimal pores. We love him. Oh, Romeo. Oh, my God. Little Bruno Mars situation. Yeah. Yeah, love that. It's a great smile, good chompers.

Love the mokas skin. What a snap. And did he major in math at Harvard? Was that the one who did that? I think so. And he speaks three different languages. Oh, Romeo is a frontrunner for me. Okay, okay.

But I almost think because all of that stuff lines up, it's like a red flag too. That's so funny. Okay. You know, like a Harvard education. Ooh. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And like Harvard, it kind of has like, oh, like a little bit of a like, not snooty, but, you know, I mean, you should be proud to go there.

But people that go to Harvard, like, you're very aware of it. It's like people who go to CrossFit. Like, you know they went there. I'm vegan. Yeah. it's vegan people which I love my vegan I have to be very careful

oh you're vegan well vegetarian I'm pescatarian with loose morals got it yeah yeah no but my vegan demons out there

my vegan friends also on my podcast sometimes will be like you know I'm vegan this week and then you know I had a steak oopsies

the amount of people that are like you monster I know I know vegans are passionate people which we love yeah sure Rick

I put white guy handsome But his eyes are sad, triggering for me. It does him. Sad eyes. They're sad. He's sad eyes with such a happy face. It's very confusing.

His eyes are really set. And he reminds me of this guy that was on the show, reality show, the Laguna Beach. He used to date your new friend, Kristen Cavalari, or no, Lauren Conrad dated him. It was like Chase or something like that. Okay. Anyway, Rick looks like his name should be Chase and he should live near a beach. Okay. Okay.

Next one. I love this. I did. Oh, Jamie, we already talked about him. Scar, Master Manipulator. He's going on. There's a rat among us. I hope somebody finds a rat trap. Yep. Yeah. Get that rat out of there. We love Joe. Yeah. Fan favorite. Oh, Chris S. from West Hollywood. He's a broker. I just put, man, vanilla Sunday, no sprinkles. Send him home. That's what I feel about Chris. Send him out. Didn't get anything from him. Rodney. I just wrote, send him home. send him home i put excess baggage send him home oh i brought me so like when he's on the screen i feel like it's like it's sweet like he's funny and he's fun yeah you're allowed to have your opinion

wasn't doing it for me okay okay wait who's oh casey love casey don't know his personality just judging a book by its cover and i wrote the cover it looks like dach shepherd i'm into it okay okay yeah casey the white dude yeah um Martin, one of my least favorites, I put bad haircut, awkward hand gestures. Really? Didn't like it. I didn't like his body language. Funny because I really liked his hair.

Wasn't doing it for me. Edgy. Okay. He's from where are, what's your favorite red Malbeck? Where does from? Argentina. Yeah. That's where he's from.

Oh, that's hot. Okay. We'll keep him around. But he's a personal trainer. Send him up. So I read the room. Yeah, I know. Trigger, queen.

And he's a personal trainer. And so. Every season has to have one. Wait, what did I put here? Hold on. I have another one. Hold on. Wait, there was one here.

The papers, frankly. Wait, where is this? Oh, here it is. Oh, yeah. Chris G. Yeah. Don't know him, barely heard him speak. But I'm into him, triggered, because he reminds me of a commander in Handmaid's Tale.

No. He does. Which one? A little ceremony, perhaps. It's just the beard. and he's a tall white man. And he just, he's a slender tall. He's from Canada.

Oh, that's sweet. And he does slam poetry, and he's very well-spoken. Slam poetry, have you ever seen 21 Jump Street or 22 Jump Street, maybe? I think it's 21 Jump Street. When they do Slamp Poetry, and Jonah Hill is like... I don't remember this. No. He's doing some poetry about Cynthia, and he goes,

Jesus died for our sin. Theos. Oh, I didn't see it. Okay, so that's what... This dude does. Yeah. Chris G. Julia Roberts.

Julia Rob Hertz. It's from the movie. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I like the Handmaid's Tale. I watched the show. So I'm like, he has, he looks, if you threw him in a suit, three-piece suit in, you know, a dystopian environment, he'd be 100%. But he's one we rummished through their rooms. His was spotless.

Everything was folded. And he was staying in the hotel, but made his own beds. day. I do that too. Yeah. He's very neat. Yeah. I like, yeah, I like that. A little American psycho vibe. Yeah. Sociopath. Perhaps or just very clean. We'll find out. Yep. Keep watching. Stay tuned. Okay. Who else you got? Who else is there? Oh, Martin. Oh, here he said him. Least favorite. Oh, oh, my, my favorite. And I am devastated that he went home also made history, Vinos. We're talking about the first Indian American ever to get a row. on the Bachelorette.

Par deep. Par deep. That guy was a sweet, sweet, sweetie pie who is a genius. He's so smart. I thought it was hot. Yeah, he's cute as hell. Yeah, maybe cute.

Like, even cuter in person. Yeah, I liked his energy, and I thought he was really sweet. Maybe she just didn't get enough time with him, so she had to send him home. I think that is what it is. It's hard. Because I was really sad when he left, too, actually.

Okay. Yeah. Wait, anyone else that I have? I got Christine, Casey, no. Oh, and then the other ones that got sent home, I was like, literally. Don't even know their name. Yeah. One looked like a banker.

The other one, hot dog on a stick vibes. Not into it. Bye, bye. Tootaloo. Toodles, yeah. Oh, okay. I like your vibes on each one. The vanilla Sunday with no sprinkles really got me.

Did it for you. So, wait, who are your number one? Who's going to win? Who's going to, do you actually? I can't tell you that. Sorry. But you know, you know. I do.

So you can't tell me who your favorites are because it's, you're too close to home for this one. Exactly. Okay. So I'll tell you my favorites, hands down, of course, is Joe. Yeah. Romeo. Yeah. And Nate.

Okay. Oh, and maybe even Casey, Dax Shepherd. I don't know him at all, but I'm into it, hopefully. Okay. Once he opens his mouth. And then least favorite is everybody else. I feel like you'd really like the slam poetry guy if you knew him in real life

Yeah, we'd probably be friends You probably would Oh, I also wanted to talk about Your High Ponytail during the basketball game I thought it was really huge Slam poetry Yelling Angry

I hate this Wraising my hands a lot Specific point of view on things Cynthia Cynthia. Jesus died for our sintheas. Okay, wait, what did you say? Oh, oh, hi ponytail during the basketball game. Loved it.

Oh, you did? Look on you. Bronze skin. You had a little glossy on the lippy. It looked beautiful. I wish I could show you what I was doing 20 minutes before that. I was standing in a trailer with Tasha with my halter top down, boobs fully out. Wow. Tits my gets. Sticky boobs on because I had to stand under one air vent, sweating so bad that my sticky boobs were falling off. And I had under a boob sweat if I put the shirt back on. Oh, plus it was nude so you'd see it. The sweat marks. So I was just sitting in the trailer airing out my boobies until we went into that day. Was it hot in that gym? It was just hot everywhere. They didn't have AC in the gym. No, they did have AC in the gym. But for some reason, it wasn't working in the trailer and it was 120 degrees out. Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, you look you, both of you look beautiful. Yeah, thank you. Both of you really are showing up, you know, really coming to play. Well, you have to do when Michelle is a bachelor, gosh, she's like, she looks like a model. Like, she's like a five, ten. Oh, she's tall. Yeah. Oh, yeah, statue S.

Oh, yeah, she's a beauty. And athletic and, yeah, she's just, I always, I always joke that I feel like a toe neck to her and Tasha. Oh, but a cute, like the cute, pinky one. There's like a tiny little nail on it. No. Like barely a nail there, but it's there. Floating in skin. There she is.

Good old Caitlin Bristow from Alberta. Yeah, that's me. I'm that pinky toe barely hanging on. Yeah. 36 years old, everyone just keeps in the same age. But without that toe, the foot looks weird. That's true. No balance.

No balance. Yeah, I need that toe. Aesthetically unpleasing. Very. Yeah. Okay. Lo, do you have a confession? for this pod i mean i don't sometimes i try only do it on off the vine and this is a great therapy but i thought

maybe what are the chances you had one damn you know what i honestly have think of one and we can do another podcast yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna hold it in the chamber okay because i don't because i don't have it in my brain yet i'm trying to i have things that i've done but i'm like what what can i confess right now i've done a lot of shit in my day yeah hit a lot of lows rock bottoms yeah moments Yeah, but what comes to head right now, nothing, actually. Just fresh out of ideas. Okay, that's fine, because I got a fun game for us to play. Fun, okay.

Okay, so after our last Bachelor in Paradise recording, I was not convinced that you watched the show. You had no idea what I was talking about or who anyone was. So here's a little game for me to see if you were paying attention to this episode. Shit. It's the five-second rule. I'm sweating. You have five seconds to answer these.

Ready? Okay. What's the Bachelorette's name? Michelle. Wow. How old is she? 31. 2.

No, 28. 28. What's her favorite sport? Basketball. Nice. Name at least three of the men on her season without looking at your notes. Oh, Rodney, Chris, Nate, Joe, Brandon. Get it.

Okay, there we go. What is the name of the green apple, Granny Smith guy? Oh, shit. I was so irritated. Oh, I thought you were going to help me and sit your counting down because you're not trying to help me. Oh, yeah. Send him home. Get him out of here.

Okay. What did she do on the first one-on-one date? The first one-on-one date. Oh, rock climbing. Yep. Oh, nice. Okay. What did she do on both of the group dates?

Oh, what do you call it? Fifth grader, a teacher situation, and then a basketball cinch. What color was her dress for the rose ceremony? Metallic pink. Plunging neckline. Who's the narcissist? Peter. All of them, to be honest.

Who's from Minnesota? Joe. Yep. Wow. Who do you have a crush on? One. Two. Nate?

Nate is my crush for sure. And maybe Brandon with the sad eyes. Give that. No, that's Rick. Rick. Oh, yeah, Rick's sad eyes. Give that little lost puppy some love. You know, why not?

Kind of has a John Hamm feel to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Madman. Ooh, I can see that. So it reminds me of him. Who do you think she'll end up with? Hands down, Joe. Okay.

Nate or I'm going to say, oh, no, I want to find out for real after this. Okay. But you can't tell me contractually. Damn it. I like when people watch with, spoiler-free eyes. You know what?

I'm going to throw a wild card. Okay. Prudeep was coming back. Oh. Yeah. Oh, a little battle back. Why not? Probably not, but I just said to.

That's what I hope for. And last question, what would your limo entrance be? Oh, my limo entrance. Yeah. Oh, this, okay, so I only pictured myself as the person picking people. Oh. I'm the bachelor. I am the bachelor.

I am bachelor. So now I have to put myself. in a contestant's mindset. I would roll up. Oh, I know how I would do it. Okay. Okay. Picture this.

Selina Kenthenia. Performing at the Astrodome, Houston, Texas. Okay. I know. But you've seen the movie Selena? Yeah. Okay. Great.

J-Lo. Yeah. Okay. But she rides in a horse-drawn carriage. Yeah. In a beautiful sequined jumpsuit. Rose is being thrown at her. White horses.

People screaming. I'd want that whole scene recreated for my entrance. Oh, that's good. I'm signing up for shit. That's good because you could have everyone cheering on your way in. So you're like hyping yourself up on your way in. So he's like, wait, who is this? And I start singing bitty, bitty bambon.

Here I am. Como la Flore. Selina lives in me. Yeah. I'd either do something like that or show up with like tamales on like a cute like burro or something. Just to show my little latin side. Everything would be fun, you know, with mariachi. say. Yeah. And show up like Coco.

Show up, oh my God. Or like Coco with like the whole skeleton thing. Did you, did you see that movie? I'm obsessed with photo. Oh, it's really cute. It's so good. What's that song? Remember me? Remember me? Oh, it's so sweet. We should watch that. That's a perfect Halloween movie. Done. Yeah, Diabeles Martas. Yeah. After my photo shoot that I'm dreading. Oh, the photo shoot. I'm not even styling it. I know. Yeah. But I mean, we'll have great style for it. I mean, you kind of helped. Yeah. Oh, for sure. You came and picked out some dresses with me.

I did love that. That was fun. It's going to be a long night for you, though. I don't want to know. I'm the only person I know that doesn't get excited to have glam, get it all glammed up into a photo shoot. Nope. Rather do anything else. I want to de-glam and lay on the couch. Wait, can we just talk about one thing really quick? I want to know where this energy comes from. I've checked your medicine cabinets. You don't do drugs.

I was looking for cocaina, some cocaine, something. Like some, I was like maybe, you know, baby has a lot of adderol going through her system. No. No, it is a natural body high, mental, like, it's crazy to me because this energy you have, I watched you a 24-hour window with you. And I'm exhausted even talking about it. 7 a.m. up in the morning, you're freaking working out. Then you have a little bit of a break, ransom errands, picked up smoothies for me.

and Jason, then went to another workout, followed by one more after that. So three workouts in a day. We're probably at approximately 30,000 steps. I had about four phone calls, too. Four phone calls mixed in there. And a podcast. Did a podcast. And then wrapped it up with a nice dinner. And then had a quick emotional breakdown. Shower, shower off the tears, came out. Reborn. Reborn. Went into the backyard. It's freezing outside, by the weight and ran with the dogs. You're like Sinkfried and Roy with these big ass pups. So cute. Ramin or Pino.

They're jumping on you. You're doing tricks jumping through hoops, rolling in the mud with them. You were just and they were going nuts with you. And like you were, oh, it was so sweet because ramen likes to be chased. Yeah. And like sometimes Pino's like, I want my bone. I don't feel like doing it. And you don't want

ramen to feel left out. So you would like play Pino's role and like start chasing. It was really sweet. I love my dog so much. I'm so You're very, you're very sweet with them. It was cute to watch. But again, a lot of energy. Yeah.

And you played with them for a solid hour. Was it an hour? Yeah. Took us to almost three in the morning. Then came inside and I'm like, maybe we should call it. And you're like, hold, please. I want to show you my interpretive dance. And I was like, we're going there.

And you're like, play it on your phone. Hit me with a cold play. Cold play Selena Gomez. Hit it. And then came out from behind the kitchen and did a whole, actually beautiful rendition to a cold play song. It was remarkable. A day in the life of me is, you know what we should do while you're here. Oh, and then we finished it off with the episode of Squid Games.

And then I was so tired. And then you have the balls to go, Jason, you're sleeping? What's wrong with you? You're tired? You're calling it quits? No. Quitter. this is what happened jason was sleeping through the whole episode snoring and then when he woke up i was like okay let's go to bed and he

oh i looked over i was like are you sleeping yeah and then i was like okay let's go to bed because everyone was tired and he's like oh um should we just watch another episode i'm like you just slept through the last one yeah over here little sleepy pants yeah now he missed that get up let's do another workout i yeah i thought you were going to do quick little peloton ride it's a lot Oh, my God. So. But I also, it's some days I will not get out of bed. Okay.

Yeah. No, I'm very much like, you never know what you're going to get. It's a mixed bag of tricks. Trick or treat? Spooky sometimes. A little haunted house. Yesterday was definitely, I'd say it was a trick. Yeah.

Because I didn't know what to explain. I'm like, she's still going. Wow. Another one. Another one. Yeah. It was very important. impressive. So yeah, kudos to you. It was fun to live a day in the life of little Judy.

We should do that. We should do a day in the life on my Instagram story. Like, okay, so I'm waking up. And just do what I do in a day. Take people on the journey. Finish off with a great skincare routine, which you still had time to apply all your serums too. Don't think she wasn't dripping in hyloric, retinal and vitamin C by the end of the night. That's the thing. But my one thing I blue is I forgot to put my envisaline in. Oh, damn. I woke up at the morning and I was like, damn. I know.

I didn't bring my retainer, so I'm going to be grinding my teeth while I'm here, chipping them left and right. Good old Jason Tartick special. No way. He can't grind his teeth because his mouth is like us. Oh, yeah, I grind at night. We've all got something. I toothed my sleep.

All right. So thank you for doing this recap with me. You did redeem yourself. I did. Yeah. Yes. I loved your notes. I loved your little breakdown on all the people.

I loved your outtakes. Outtakes? I loved your outtake on everything. Yeah. I'm tired. Of course. Now let's go do a photo shoot, shall we? Yeah, let's do a photo shoot.

We've got to go fix up my nails first. Well, I, oh, let's get her nails in, but am I going to be able to come back and do a recap again, you think? Yeah, of course. Yes. Yeah. Last time I wasn't so sure, but now. I know if you weren't. Yeah.

But now let's do it. I just laughed because one of your listeners wrote in and put like, the balls you have low. to go on, like, the queen of Bachelorette. Like, she's literally on the show, and she's bringing on, like, as her best friend, to watch the show and recap with you, and you're like, missed it. Sorry.

She's like, who the f*** do you think you are? Kind of respect it. Still had a great combo, though. We did. Yeah. Still got the downloads. Yeah. I wanted to redeem myself and make you and the Vino's proud.

Well, you did. All right. Do this again. sometimes. I love that. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, grape therapy.

Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday and check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.1.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's done with OTV? This episode was brought to you

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