Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: The Kaitlyn-Rachel-Jojo Joint Wedding with Bri Cook

Episode Date: January 25, 2018

Kaitlyn isn't thrilled with Arie's season of the Bachelor and dishes about it with her BBF and official OTV voice Bri Cook! They delve into listener Konfessions, their respective nipple sizes, and Kailtyn addresses the rumor of the Bachelorette joint wedding! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Okay, everybody, welcome to Grape Therapy. Your therapist, Caitlin Bristow, am I allowed to call myself that? Probably not. You probably need a couple of degrees, but let's just go with it. Let's just go with it. Before I get started, I want to tell you that later in this podcast, I am going to address a crazy rumor. Don't know if it's true or false. I'm going to address it later in the podcast, so I would stick around for that one.

Okay, okay. I think we all know what I'm talking about here, cough, bachelor cough. Or am I supposed to go? Yeah, you're not supposed to actually say the word cough. Oh, that was embarrassing. You'll get it next time. Yeah, exactly. But let's introduce my guest, my one and only,

she does the voiceovers of grape therapy and off the vine. The one and only, Bree. Thanks. Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski. Oh. There's my one fan in the background. And we've got a fan in the room today. Brie's husband, Nick, is here for moral support.

Hi, Nick. Having grape therapy. Oh, which reminds me, grape therapy. I might as well pour the wine. Pour my wine. Be rude to do grape therapy without grapes. Without some grapes. Oh, yeah.

What are you drinking today? Releasing the rouge. This is the one I know. Releasing the Rouge. Yeah, got to release the rouge. I like that. Bright cellars, wine, my go-to. Duh.

That was a silly question. I know. And I always go back and forth. between red and white and what time of day it is because I'm classy like that. And it's like not quite summer. So can we do rosé yet? Right. Why not?

We can do whatever we want. Exactly. But tonight we're doing red. Because Saturday we did a lot of white. Saturdays are for the reds. We did. No. What day is it?

It's Tuesday. Oh, story of my life. I'm always like, what city am I in? What day is it? No, Saturday we did so much white. You know why I said Saturday? are for the Reds is because that's like a bar stool sports thing where they say Saturdays are for the boys and I

hate it. So I said Saturdays are for the Reds. It didn't make sense. Let's change it. Saturdays, that was definitely for the white wine. We indulged. Let's get to that a little bit later in our confessions. I think we should just sadly get Bachelor talk over with.

Okay, let's start with the Bachelor talk. Let's recap the Bachelor because I just am not enjoying the season. Okay, we were talking about this a little bit on Saturday. Yeah. Is it because we're getting older?

Is it? Yeah. Is it because? I think there's a number of factors. Okay. I think it's because, first of all, we're getting a little bit older. Secondly, you've been on two Bachelor shows. That's embarrassing.

Bachelor and Rhett. And Lorette. Rette. Badger Lorette. Ben there, Donna, both times. So now I see, I've always seen it from a different perspective since you've been on it. I don't know. that what it is but you know what no that can't be i mean that's probably a factor it's less

entertaining in a way because i feel i feel for the villains now and i feel bad for people being attacked right and i feel anyone who tries to attack anyone in the show i'm like you don't know what the editing is you don't know what they've been through you don't know yes and then i'm like why are you getting mad over a show you don't even know those people and then i get super defensive right okay that just went like escalated quickly i really liked the fire behind that did you see My eyes burning. I think I saw smoke coming out of the old nostrils. Nostrils.

Or ears, whatever happens when people get mad. But I don't think it's just the one thing because I have heard from numerous people that. Okay, there is something missing this season. And do you think it's the empathy? Do you think that Ari has not, you know, usually it's such a quick turnaround for Bachelor and Bachelorette. So they've just been there, done that. They know how much it hurts and how hard it is where he's just like, yeah, it's

tough. Like, let's make out. Well, it's been five or six years since he was on the show. And I do remember him. I did watch Emily's season. Some of the viewers didn't even watch Emily's season so they don't even know why. Well, I watched it too, but I still don't remember. Yeah, we watched it together. I think I probably have a picture watching it.

You sound like Rick sometimes and it makes me so happy. Just tell me, Brick. We just went over, we just saw some old developed photos. What's that? Yeah, what's the developed? photo it's a photograph that has been the early 2000s not from an iPhone yeah and they were atrocious but anyways great memories I don't care those are going remember on our okay brie this is classic jumping all over the place but brie was obviously my second guest

and we talked about so many moments on that podcast that the pictures in the pictures the proof is in the puddin I don't like that I don't either I don't even understand it like what do you mean the pudding what why is your proof in pudding and what did you do in that pudding yeah what's it the pudding that we're seeing proof that's gross I don't get it is a butterscotch and where's the proof anyways detectives that's a whole other podcast what were we talking about the bachelor oh okay so we're trying to talk about why we can't get into this season maybe talking about it will be more fun than watching it but yes I think I think it's this combination of okay yes Ari we felt for you five or six years ago it's not

his fault that they asked him to be The Bachelor of course he's going to say yes and I love it because he's like I'm boring I like to wear cardigans and go to bed early and that's what I'm looking for and I'm like because he's like I should have done this five years ago right okay but who was the Bachelor instead of him

who was it oh it was um oh my gosh who was it Emily's season right Emily's season Sean Lowe oh duh The only successful bachelor to date.

We're like, duh, the virgin bachelor. No, he was a... Born again? Yeah, born again. No, uh, really? Yeah. Oh, it wasn't like a true virgin. You dirty dog.

We don't need to talk about that. No. But anyway, so I think it's a combination of being like, trying to get back into five years ago. It's hard to put yourself in that place as a viewer. And then secondly, I just, I think it's because we were attached to so many of Rachel's guys. like Eric and Peter and we're like or even Ben Z from your season because he was on Paradise and we're like any one of those guys would be how's his dog a whole season of that you're right it's just a strange turnaround it was such a random it felt like a random choice

as happy as we were for him to finally get the opportunity just shows anyone could get it after however long but you're right there's a disconnect yeah I don't feel connected to him I don't feel connected to him either and I enjoyed him on Emily's season but now I'm like, wait, I don't even remember you from Emily season. And I wish him the best. And that was five years ago. So I'm like, did I like you five years ago? Because that was young Caitlin who didn't know what she liked. I know it's so confusing. It's very confusing. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know anymore. It is. It's very confusing. And then at this time. And it's early. Okay, we're like both. We're like, oh, what are we the view?

A bunch of chicken squawking into two, my. Nick, you're here to laugh out loud at our jokes. That's what I feel like. You were like, you're a turkey, not a chicken. Oh, okay. Whatever. And I also think the girls are so normal this season

that it's more boring because they're not dramatic enough. And as much as the older 31-year-old me is like, I can't stand when they get mad over the same things every season. And oh, there's always that. one chick it was so dramatic now this year i'm like can someone like crystal are you really the villain is she really that bad that's like watching bachelor canada when the villain she they were like she wrote him a one she wrote him a note and she liked to cook and clean they're like oh my gosh is that the villain oh my gosh is that the villain it feels a little bit like that but yeah because

crystal's like expressing okay she definitely can rub people the wrong way but that's gonna be i could rub people the wrong way you could rub you know i know i've rubbed people the wrong right and she's just kind of like you know she i think she kind of had it in her mind that she had it in the bag early on yeah well she had to meet its family so she's like right so now it's like i met and that's going to get in her head and that does make it harder for the person to have that initial attraction that like that i understand and you know what when i was on the show i was like this is really immature like I can't handle all of this, like, grabbing guys' attention, like, desperate. I was probably saying the same thing because I was like, this is kind of embarrassing for

these girls. They just didn't air me saying it. Yeah. So now she's the villain. You were really lucky in what they didn't air you. I really was. But I was always so honest in how I was feeling. But I'm like, you know, it was a little embarrassing at times with girls being that

crazy over a guy that they don't know. They're eating bugs for him. Eating dirtworms. going to drink their own piss. Are there any worms that aren't a dirtworm? There was a girl that was going to drink her own urine. Was she though? Because it's sterile and like the taste.

I don't like the taste. If anyone can name that movie, please tweet us. You know what it is. Can we just say it? Sure. Dodgeball. What is his name? Patches of Huan.

Is it necessary to drink my own piss? No. But it's sterile and I like the taste. But they had to have known when he was drinking the canister that it was... I'm like, you don't just plug your nose and drink pee. I'm sorry. And also, like, they were going to probably make out with him anyway. And he's such a dork that he's like, oh, he was apple juice.

I was like, you duh. You duh. We knew it was apple juice. What else happened on the most... It's more fun talking about it than it is actually watching it. It's so boring. That's why we're happy to have grape therapy because we can actually... actually have fun with it. Oh, we haven't even addressed the biggest issue of the episode.

That's how you know, it's a crazy season. The biggest issue is that the most mature girl in the house is 22. Oh, no. She's 22. What should we do? I love that she's like, guess what I'm concerned too? Yeah, I actually loved her reaction. I loved it. Everybody's concern in that situation in that circumstance is what if it all falls apart after you know shh oh are you going to say it you stopped yourself no shit sherlock that's like saying like no doi actually i've been trying to bring a bag doi for a while i love no doi no doi no fear no fear i thought it was so cool in my no fear of course you probably were Is that just a Canada thing? No, no, no, no, Sean.

We've talked about it, yeah, no fear. Back of trucks. Fox racing, no fear. Yeah, spy sunglasses, diesel trucks. We go on and on, skirk. But no, the age thing is just ridiculous because no, doi, we're all scared of it falling apart after the show. You don't even know each other. You get engaged.

it's scary that it could fall apart. And also, the funniest part to me is, okay, Becca's 22, but like some other chicks are 23 and 24. Oh, no. He's still 36. It's like not a topic of conversation with the 23-year-old. It's only a 20-year-old. It's like, she should be like, Ari, I'm actually concerned that you're 36 and single.

Yes. That's more of a concern than me being 22. Yeah. Let's just move on because there's nothing more to say. I hate the question, is age an issue? Yeah, it's an issue for some people. Depends on the person. Exactly. Like, it's only an issue.

It's an issue for you. You're right. I hate that question, too. Is age an issue? Yeah. Sometimes. Like, if the person was really, he could be a really immature 36-year-old. Yeah.

She could be a very mature 22. Who freaking cares? That hiccup just made everything makes sense. Like, let's move on. Yeah, that was the end of that. So we also had. At McKell, her grandpa. Oh, so sad.

You know, okay, you've been on the Bachelor and I think you were on the Bachelorette. Were you on the Bachelorette? Is that the one where I chose from all the guys? Yeah, I was on that. Okay, you must know if you're getting a phone call from a parent, that's probably not. It's not like, hey, your best friend got engaged. It's something bad, right? You had a baby when I was on and they wouldn't tell you.

Nobody told me until I saw my family. So that's, as soon as I knew something was wrong when she was like, hi, mom. I felt so bad that they were filming it. They're like. Because they were hiding in a bush below too. Yeah. So you can tell they're looking up. She's like, hi, mom, what's up?

You can tell she was nervous and it's like, that's not good news. But they have to capture everything, okay? I get it. Everything. So this is why I think they aired that because she's going to come back. So they needed. Oh, our monitor. That's our monitor dying.

Our baby monitor. Our baby monitors needs charging. Okay. Turn it off. Charge it. Charge it. Real life anyway. But I really did.

I was like, okay, they're filming this and they're airing it because she needs a storyline and she's coming back. Okay. Because I felt bad for her in that moment. No one wants to hear their grandpa died and have everyone watch it. Actually, yeah, because remember there was a guy on Andy's season, somebody, a friend passed away. He didn't come back, but they didn't really give it a storyline.

They just said, oh, he's leaving his friend. Yeah, I mean, it's nice to know why somebody left. It's like, hey, where did that McHale person go? I hope she comes back. I like her. I like the vibe. I do hope she comes back, but also everyone feels obviously awful that she makes. I'm glad that she gets to go be with her family.

Yes. I'm sad. It happened. And I hope she comes back. Okay. Yeah, let's leave it at that. Okay. And then also, CN had her first one on one day.

We like her. She is beautiful. Oh, my gosh. She's gorgeous. When she was like, girls like me don't get the happy love. I'm like, pardon? I know. That confused me so much because I'm like,

you're stunning, you're smart, you're outgoing, you're funny, she was traveled, everything. I'm like, you're the full package. Why would you not have? She said, I know I'm awesome. Yeah, I love that too. She's like, yeah, I know, I'm great. I know, but it just shows the culture that we live in that she didn't have that growing up. So I'm so happy.

I'm rooting for her. Yeah, same. But also I want to say one thing about her date. It was boring as shit. No, her and Ari dancing on the platform, in front of all the strangers to a band. Did we know who that band was? You know country music.

Yeah, I loved it. Oh, okay. So I was like, I don't know who those people are. I love that song. That's my nightmare is dancing in front of people. I'm going to be you forever. No, slow dancing with like on a first date having to kiss the guy for the first time in front of people. It's like my dream.

No, that's my nightmare. It's a dream come true. Okay, well, that's why you were the bachelorette. You probably had dates like that. I did. You did. R. IP, Dolores. Yeah, the cranberries.

Actually, if I could count any date that would be a dream date, it would be the cranberries, Dolores. Honestly, I was. Serenading you guys. Oh, it was, I just kept looking into her eyes. I know, you're like, Jared, you're great. I'm like, Jared, I like you, putting you in the friend zone, but like Dolores is here.

I know. I actually, you know what? One of the things when you came back from filming The Bachelorette, you talked about, oh my gosh, the cranberries. Oh, my gosh, the cranberries. and you kept talking about that. You weren't talking about the guy you were with. You were talking about the cranberries

and I was so, so jealous. Yeah. That was definitely a magical moment. So very, very sad for passing. Very sad and very grateful I had that opportunity. But, I mean, I wasn't raised up on a platform with a bunch of people around me. No, that was more intimate.

And actually, that was beautiful. That's the kind of dates they should do more on The Bachelor. Wait, what was their first part of their date? Katie, I don't know. I can't even remember boring. Oh my gosh, I can't. I remember loving Sien but just feeling so far. Wait, weren't they in water or something?

Oh, yeah, they were parasailing. Oh, parisailing. Oh, parisailing. I've gone parasailing. That was fun. Yeah, parisailing's great, but. Hawaii? Yeah.

Oh, I'm going tomorrow. Oh, I'm not jealous. Are you going to Hawaii or? Hawaii. We can leave that for a confession. Okay. Gosh. I'm an idiot.

Anything else? What else? Just crystal being painted as a villain. It's not doing it for me. What did you think? I just, you're a very rational person, you're very level-headed, and you're not a jealous person. No.

All of these things I love about you. Okay. In the date, when Ari, you know, went over and had his arm around Crystal. Oh, that rubbed me the wrong way. And Caroline and Tia were like. No, no, not the girls. No. Ari putting his arm around her.

Not fair. Kind of like claiming her as his girl. That's awkward for all the girls. Okay, you as a bachelorette, that would have been like you going. up in front of all the guys and just making out with Sean or I think I did oh maybe you didn't okay there's nothing wrong with that if he's picking crystal maybe there's nothing wrong with that but right it was just and then poor Caroline and Tia I really like them both that's so awkward they were all in the tub together and they were just trying to make light of the

situation because you're the third and fourth wheel it's like Jimmy Kimmel in the tub with you oh yeah she and he didn't pout about it no he just enjoyed his chicken wings No, Ari shouldn't have done that, but he probably knows that by now. Yes. The whole Crystal thing, it's, I like, same thing as you said earlier. I try and see all angles now where I'm like, you know what, Crystal makes a couple points? Like, it is hard and it is childish. But you know what?

You're not the only victim and you're not the only one with a connection. And all these girls are kind of like, well. No, but it all comes from insecurity. All insecurities, which, by the way, doesn't happen when you go on the bachelor. you're like put in the most vulnerable insecure situations yeah not everyone acts that insecure but people handle things differently because they're different people and i just see crystal as somebody who is she probably going to win the show i don't think so do you know spoilers oh don't tell me i don't know okay i do read the spoilers but i don't always believe them because i know

that they were wrong about you right and i know that they've been wrong so you read them with an open mind. I do. I know that things can change, but the funniest thing ever was when I read the spoilers for you and they said you pick no one. I was like, you're like, I just heard her on the phone of him. I'm like, should we tell him? I just heard her on the phone with no one. She sounds really in love with no one. She doesn't have a ring from anyone. Anyone. Nope, that thing's non-existent slash huge. I'm blind. But the crystal thing, I just, the way I see it is just that she's coming from a place. They needed to find a victim.

They needed to find a villain. She's rubbing everyone the wrong way because she's trying to convince herself that she's got it with him. Yeah. And then everyone's like. Which she does. I mean, when he was reassuring her saying, you know what those girls are insecure, I was like, Lee. He's always saying. Sorry.

Yeah. Because he's been out of the game for five or six years. I really am curious where this season is going to go by the end. I'm curious of I'm even going to keep. watching me too no we said it yeah and you know what i'm the only reason i might watch is to just to have these conversations because they're more fun than watching yeah this has been fun because i've had a great time i'm really enjoying your company what have we talked about it for nine minutes like how long has it been yeah at least 16 well we did that well let's move on should we move on well who did we say

by to this week i can't believe caroline's gone me neither she was she's kind of like um she's the one that you know yeah yeah yeah she's she's funny she's normal she's cute she had funny cute commentary so we're like oh okay well and he did that again the week before he said goodbye to the good girls like bibiana and um and that's a trend i'm seen like Lauren is one of the Lauren oh I loved her yeah there's like actually that might be a reason to keep watching is if he keep saying goodbye to all the best people this calls for a great paradise season yes yeah it's gonna be all R-E women. It's going to be all their like, yeah, exactly, on their A-games. And then all, I don't even remember anybody. And winter games. Oh, yeah, winter games.

Not excited. Not? Well, I'm excited. I told Bibiana I was excited because I like her. I'm really not excited for it. I have no idea what it's even about. They just go skiing? I don't understand. It's a lot. It's paradise on skis. It's like, please don't watch the real Olympics. Yeah. Watch. There's just another way for the. I'm going to make money. Watch the bachelor try and snowboard. It's going to be a great time. Well, we really tease that one up.

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So go to brightsellers.com slash off the vine. Sold. We'll be right back with more off the vine. Grape Therapy. Podcast One has new shows on our new app. Check out all the cool features to help you explore our exciting new programming. Like America's Lakers podcast with Jay Moore. So Random with Corinne Olympios.

Attack each day, the Harbaugh's podcast. Not just sports with Susie Schuster and Rich Eisen. And sessions with Randy Jackson, as well as your old favorites, like the Lady Gang, Steve Austin, Shaquille O'Neal and Adam Carola. Get the new Podcast One app in the app store, Google Play or Podcast1.com. This is Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Do you want to talk about your big rumor? Yeah, I think we should address it.

Okay, now that we're on Bachelor's stuff, let's address the rumor. Yeah, might as well continue and address the rumor. So the other day I'm sitting and I'm, I saw somebody, I don't even like to name names anymore. I saw somebody tweeted something like, I think we should get all the still engaged bachelor, bachelor at people, whatever, married. And I'm like, cool. We should just get them married? Yeah, we should just get them married.

And then it was like... Just a quick trip to City Hall? All at once. And then that was kind of the last I heard from any reliable source. Oh, sorry, was this like a magazine? No, this came from a high er. Like a reporter. No, somebody that created the show.

Oh, I know who you're talking about. Okay. So he tweeted something about a like mass. Okay, can I... He tweeted it out but didn't contact you personally. You just wanted to seem like he's into your relationship. He has never contacted me personally. Okay, I get it.

I know where you're going with this. Okay. So then, anyways, I was like, this is stupid. And then, anyway, so the other day I'm online, I'm getting a bunch of tweets saying, oh, are you doing this group wedding? And I'm like, what? And then I go, and us weekly did a article. A article?

An article. I'm better than that. And they were like, triple bachelorette wedding, Jojo, Caitlin, and Rachel are going to possibly all get married on the same day, share a wedding. I'm like, I would rather shit in my own hands and clap. Nick, clap for real. Yeah. You don't have to fake clap. Yeah, you can real clap.

We want you a part of this. Make me feel funny. There's no poop. But there's no poop. Hey, you're a dad. I'm sure he can find some poop somewhere. She's not lying. She's not lying.

But yeah, I would. So let me address this rumor, okay? You love Jojo and Rachel. I think they are amazing, powerful women. Do you, three women want to walk down the aisle to your three guys? Yeah, have your own weddings like everyone else. Look, I had to share night one of being the bachelorette with somebody who I actually really like. Okay.

I had to share it It was No Everyone deserves their own wedding You don't have to defend this I got married To my husband With just us

We didn't have any joint weddings We didn't Now if the paycheck was right Now listen I'm not ruling it out Look here okay If there was six zeros I would not shit

In my own hands and clap Okay No but I'm I really am against it No, but they would never say it about three. If there was three successful guys, well, listen, it's actually kind of amazing. Caitlin, Jojo, Rachel, all still with their guys. And then they're like, well, let's just lump them all together.

But they said, and maybe a potential Ari in there, but they're just saying that just to like tease this season. No. I am not as much as I respect Jojo, as much as I respect Rachel. I think we all deserve our own day. I don't think it, if we choose for it to be shared, great. If we don't, great. But why would you share it with? I mean share it with cameras.

Oh, I don't mean other women. I'm like, what if they just share it with each other and not you? You'd be like, hey. So I found this so strange that Us Weekly came out with an article, which just goes to show that Us Weekly has, you know, the fact that we had no. I was like, oh, what? Thanks for asking me for comment. Yeah, cool. Right.

So that just shows their credibility. But TMZ reached out to me saying, can we get Caitlin a comment? And I'm like, you think I'm going to go. to TMZ over my own podcast to release my own statement. Listen to off the vinegrey for the answer. And drop the mic, but not really because that's expensive. Yeah.

Mike dropped. Just kidding. I'm just going to place it back into the holder properly because I'm a responsible adult. But really, here's the bottom line. No, I'm not sharing a wedding date. If I do, you guys can all laugh at me because it means I got a great paycheck. If you do, then let's just share how much you got paid. I will take the paycheck and I will go have a very intimate private wedding with Sean

and my bestest friends and family. I know. So you heard it here first, folks. I don't think Jojo's commented. I don't know if Rachel has, but I'm commenting. I'm saying that is absolute bullshit. Nobody is run it by me, no producer. I've talked to a couple producers being like, what's going on?

They're like, I don't know. I'm like, cool. I think we've all established the fact that they haven't even reached out for you for a televised wedding, let alone a triple wedding. You think they would put the triple wedding on TV. Maybe they're like, let's just get it down on one shot. Let's just convince them. We'll just run it to us weekly.

Of course. You know what? As if any of you would agree to that. I will not, but I do think that it might be in their back pocket. Should we move on? Yeah, it's getting weird. Let's move on. Should we confess?

Let's confess. You know what, this podcast has been, it's a good structure. Why is that? Could we... Is that one of your confessions? Here's the thing. Brie was in radio. She knows what she's doing.

She has... She's like, you need to tease this. Tease this. You need to do this. I'm looking at a diploma right now. It's on the wall. It's on the wall. It's framed.

You know it's real. Laminated. Listen, I'm ready to go back to work soon. So anyone who's hiring... Anyone out there? I'm available, as my three-year-old son would say. Oh, we got a genuine laugh at a neck. over there.

Because all the Vs are Bs available. Available. And we love them for it. It's the cutest thing in the world. I'm obsessed with you guys. You guys were bonding a lot tonight. Don't give me sorry. I'll cry.

One of my confessions that I have to say is that one of my podcasts aired with High Valley just this week. And we did this funny game about Alberta trivia. And I thought the trivia that quote unquote I made up. was so funny that I couldn't even get through it. I couldn't even get through it without laughing. Yeah. And they were like, you think your own jokes are pretty funny.

But my confession is, Brie came up with those. You're like, quick, I need a game to play with High Valley. And I was like, I got it. Yep. And then I sent you screenshots. You're very, all the ideas were all the fake Albert effects. And then you just went ahead and passed them off as your own.

But in that moment, I felt very guilty and knew that I could use that as a confession. You confessed to that to me right. away. You're like, I said I, they were so, they thought it was so funny that I had to. I ran with it. I was mine. Because it would have been weird at the time that we're all from Alberta. Oh, you are to. And that I was like, Alberta people are funny. I'm like, get a lot of this one. Ha ha. Bray made it up. You should just have a button that you press. Bray made it up. Hey, I do the voiceovers for your entire podcast. So I can just be like, and I'll take credit for that.

And what did you think of the sound quality of my last podcast? Of your last great therapy? Listen, it's not your fault. It's not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're your fault. It was questionable. It wasn't my fault. We addressed it. You showed me, you're like, look, we can record this podcast with this cute little mic in my phone and you showed me this little turd sticking out of your phone. And I was like, oh, that's so cute that you think that's a good quality of mind. A little turd nuggets sticking out on my phone. You learned your lesson. I did. Cheers to lesson learned. We all know we're not going to both take a sip of our wine with misophonia

right now. So I'll go first. Okay. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Do you do. Now it's your turn to take your gulp. Swallow. Oh, my God. You went silent as I was going to do another roll. I know. This whole podcast, I just turned my head every time I went to swallow. You can pour me a little bit more at it.

Of course. Okay, is that your confession that you steal my jokes? Well, that's one of them. We can do a couple. I also have to turn to Twitter because I relied on the old Twattsky's. Tawatsky. Never gets old. To come through with some confession.

but tell me yours. Well, I can't tell you anything that you don't already know about me. Right. So I'm just going to confess what happened on Saturday night. Yes, please. So Katie and I went, Caitlin Bristow and I went out on Saturday night to the lounge. That was pretty busy. 10,000.

There was like a velvet rope we had to go through to get to our booth. They gave us this giant booth for two. two of the smallest people you've ever seen. Viapinus. We were VIPs. And toward the beginning of the night, like we had barely even touched our wine yet, and you're like, I have to go out Penn.

I don't want to go about El Sal. That is, you nailed Caitlin Bristow. And I was like, don't worry, I'll come with you. And then I was like, what do I do with their drinks? And then you put on, you put a piece of paper over our drinks as if that's going to save them from anything happening. That's a move. That is a move.

Well, we wouldn't know if someone moved it. Anyway, that's not part of the confession. No. So you get out of the booth and then I go to follow you and I don't know there's a big step out of the booth and I... You ate shit. I was wearing heels because I'm a mom who doesn't go out and I'm like... And you looked so fine. I'm like, I'll wear my heels and then I misstepped out of the booth.

Yeah. Fell so hard on my butt. You ate a dick. I didn't eat a day. Oh, yeah, just caught. I just ate the floor. You did. With my whole lower left side.

Do you want to see my bruises? Kind of. Okay. I'm going to stand up. I'm going to undo my Costco lounge pads. Okay. This is where we need video to prove that I'm not making you do this. Consent is given.

There's the butt and there's... Oh, wow. Do you see it? Oh, yes. It's not hiding. Don't take pictures in it. He's like, this is my mom. No, he was sideways, so he was definitely taking video.

That's the bruise. The whole next day, I'm like, oh, my butt, I can't sit on my butt. It hurts. You were really cute. You thought I fainted because I did. I panicked. I was talking about, because I was wearing like a nice cardigan sweater because Nick got it for me for Christmas and it was too nice to wear it.

You guys got each other cardigan, so cute. Oh, we did get each other to carmigan. I know. That's all Nick wanted for Christmas. I just want a cardigan sweater. Who you, Ari? He didn't say it like that. But he's like, I just want to.

the card against sweater and then I he got me one to and I never wear it around our kids because they'll just like snod and puke all over it right so I wore it out with you but I got so hot and then I was talking about being hot and then I fell out of the booth and you thought I fainted I really did I because it's not like that's you it's not like you were shit faced and I know it was that you stepped later it would have made sense right beginning of the night not so much you you took one step out and you were on your back legs in the air on a busy Saturday night. And everyone was looking and I saw people laughing and like

trying not to laugh and I get it. But that was us too. People falling is funny. You like help me up and your face looked so horrified that I thought you were embarrassed of me but you thought I was like dead. I genuinely thought you fainted and I panicked. Okay but then I was like we need to get out of here. I'm so embarrassed. You're like we just go. Yeah I'm like no that's not happening. Everybody's

going to forget about this in two seconds. Let's go back. Yeah and then we stayed so long in the restaurant that so many tables turned over that everyone forgot. They all left. Yeah. And they probably don't even remember until they listened to this podcast because they all listened. They probably, well, they were all kind of staring at you so they probably were all like, look at her dumb friend.

No, they weren't. They're like, that's Bree. She does the voiceovers. They're like, I know that voice. You fell and you were like, ah, it's off the vine. Listen on Thursdays and Tuesdays. You're like, now let's get to Caitlin. Is that, is that Bree from Off the Vine? On the ground? Off the ground

Is that Brie from off the vine on the ground? Did she just get off the ground? Okay, and cut. Nope. We're going to drink at the same time. You go first. Drink to my confession. And now I will drink to my own confession.

Are we washing away this thing? Not yet because I still have another confession. Oh, okay. This is going to take a lot. for me to say out loud. Okay. So I said on Instagram stories the other day, maybe it was Snapchat, that I have a confession of my eyelashes.

So Carrie Underwood. I don't know if you've heard of her. I'm not going to say the name of the place because I don't want to give her secrets away. But I went and got my lashes done where she does. Because Carrie. Because Carrie. I don't even know if that's, true. I heard she got her last. It's done there. So I thought, so I'm like, you know it's legit.

So I went, didn't ask questions. I'm such a spoiled little B that I'm like, they're probably going to ask me to like do a social trade. Like I'll do a little. Oh, you thought you're getting it for free. Yeah. Hmm. Did you? Sike. It was $426. For it. 400. Take a knee. Breathe it in. $426 for lash extensions. That will last three weeks. That will last three weeks. And they're like, would you like to make an appointment for a fill in three weeks? I was like, oh.

Am I getting the whole year for free? I'm like, would you like to take me to dinner first before you? Kay, I used to think it was expensive when I think $65. Yeah, I'm embarrassed. I was, I was mortified. But they look really good. They look great. When we went out on Saturday, I was like, oh, I better put on fake lashes because I'm

hanging out with Caitlin. Yeah, because she is $425. I was like, did you notice this wearing fack lashes? And you're like, you're like, what? Were you? I'm like, it's still it. Did you notice that I was where I'm fat loathe? I can't sell it so good.

Remember when I called you that one time? And there was like, I'm back down. Because there was a hair in my donut. He's so into it. That was the Elvis. lip the stank face yeah it was more like oh my god i'm married her no he gets it at this point he gets it now he's put up with your friendship with me for you're gonna say you

he's put up with you no i was like yeah no it's gonna say you and me and then i was like where am i going with this but he's put up with the friendship not put up he enjoys it yeah he gets right in there like when we poured our wine tonight he's like let me make myself a bird been. And then he made us. And then he cheersed us and then made us a confession. Tequila shot. And he had one too.

And now this is how I know I'm funnier when I drink because this has been a really great pod. So you'll probably lose it. We'll probably listen back and we'll sound like we're in a bathroom stall. Surrounded by garbage. Like the pictures we took in 2004. I wish she would let me put those pictures out into the world. Well, on our last pod together, we talked about eating hot tugs laying on the sidewalk.

And I was like, no, we did not lay on the sidewalk. And we looked at the pictures tonight. We were 100 p laying on the sidewalk. So, yeah, correction. Correction. Let me address a correction for the last podcast. It's true. Oh, are we doing a snap?

I've never Snapchat. It's Snapchated in the moment. middle of a podcast before but I feel like this is appropriate no it's not why you don't like the way you look I just saw that my red marks under my eyes on I'm over it see my red wine lips so you didn't present I did not present I was going to save it anyways just does anyone watch snapchat anymore I feel like everyone's on insta stories here's a thing oh you I just saw the steam coming out of your ears that was that was so authentic that was Very convincing.

People are going to think that my podcast producer put a sound effect in, but that was all me. But she did out. Anybody need voiceovers? Voiceover, job alert. Nope, lost it. Just one time. I lost it. But your face even looked like a kettle.

Right. I'm Dan Rothers. And this is CBC News. Okay. First of all, it's not Dan Rathers. Oh, I don't know, I said on Family Guy. And you can work for CBCZ. That's what...

That's Canadian. Okay. Well, I will prove. What a weird argument we're having, but would you expect it? CBS. Oh, CBS. CBS News. There you go.

You got it. Great. Whoa. Underbite and S sound. And then they, it's, this is on Family Guy. He goes, I'm Dan Rathers. Rather. Rather.

With CBS News. and then they come and pick him up like he's a tea kettle and take him off the pot and then put him back down first of all it's just so you to just be like go off on a family guy i go off on family guy with the people i love the most because i know you guys won't judge me for it what were we talking about before that i think you are funnier than family guy when you quote family guy it's funnier there's a hole in the bottom of the see there's a hole in the bottom of the sea uh there's a hole there's a hole there's a hole there's a hole in the bottom of the sea oh my favorite family guy there's a tube in the throat

of the elderly man in the hospital bed with the frog and the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea um there's a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the frog and the log in the hole in the hole in the bottom of the sea there's a hole there's a hole in the bottom of the sea music and lyrics by stewie griffin oh my god See, you're funnier than that show. I was going to say it, and it's not as a funny as what you just went off on. My favorite family guy moment is when they make fun in a Canada, and the guy goes, And I won't.

Nick and I probably say that every week, but I don't even know the context of, I think I know. Okay, you probably do. You are with the right person. No, email. Did I just get an email at 9.39 p.m. It's like bath and bodyworks giving you 20% of. And I'm like, you're not lush. No.

Oh, my gosh. When I went to your hotel on Saturday night. Smelt like lush. And all your products everywhere? It's, remember when they were, okay, last family. I'm sorry, last family guy thing. When the guy, they're letting the guy out of jail, he's like, just be back before 11. They're like, that's easier than getting out of a Canadian jail.

And the guy goes up to the guard and he's like, I'm just going to go do this. And the guy's like, just make sure you're back before 11. He's going, okay, I will. And I won't. And I won't. And I won't. Oh, my God. What was my confession?

Oh, eyelashes. I think you're going to read tweets. Oh, you spent a lot on eyelashes. Okay. Tweet. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I've been kind of dying over this confession from somebody, and I can't wait to tell you. Oh my gosh, say it. McKenzie.

I really like this girl. Her Twitter handle, and she kind of looks like she might be a babe. Oh, yeah. Mac Dog. Oh, yeah. Nice, right? Like Dow. Strong name.

Yeah, strong. I knew it was Dow. I know, because it wouldn't be D-O-G. Unless it was D-O-D-G. Unless. Unless. She said, my boy, no, die. She said, my boyfriend was outside fixing my car and told me to wait for him to eat dinner.

So I ate the entire bowl of spaghetti while he was gone and refilled my plate to put it on the table and re-ate it when he came inside. Also, sometimes I wipe my boogers on my dog. the best is that it was like that was like a pretty good confession right like yeah it was a pretty good confession like I crushed spaghetti while my boyfriend was like doing something in the car then I pretended that I didn't so I could eat more spaghetti oh and I wipe boogers on my fucking talk job that job that do you do you do this every time because you I have to you know it's really great too is that I'm like I can't come up with confessions every week like it's hard no like my fall is this stupid compared to boogers on the dog and then I'm like boogies on the dog is that is that a blues song boogies on boogies on dog oh my gosh I can't handle this

This podcast is just getting better. Like, I'm not even pre-reading these confessions. Just read them. Okay. I, honestly, just reading. Caitlin Love. Today. Caitlin Love?

They love you so much. No, her name's. Oh, it's like Saitland. Yeah. K-A-T-E-L-N. Oh, there's an E, because, yeah. No, that's a normal way to speak to me. You're the E.O.A.

Okay, Briand. Oh, it's home. Anyways. I'm just trying to make sure you don't, like, bash the people who are between you. No, I like anyone whose names Caitlin is a friend of mine. Exactly. Thank you for being a friend. Golden Girls.

Today I had to walk back into the post office and ask for the package I had just paid to ship back since I accidentally sealed my cell phone in it and realized when I got back to my car, I also had to say this out loud since they apparently won't just give you your package back. Well, okay. Sorry, that's not wiping any boogs on dogs. That sounds like something I would do, though. Oh, where's my phone? Oh, my God, I mailed it.

That's actually pretty funny. That's a good confession. And then they're like, why do you want to back? It's like, you just saw me. Right. Give it back. Right. Doesn't matter.

I don't even know if I should scroll or just start reading. Well, it depends. Okay Maurice No Marcy I had to Google How to boil an egg

A couple days ago I did the same thing We all do that I do that every time I boil an egg Me too Because I'm Nick's such a good cook

Oh he's such a good cook He's like No one does it Except for you The greatest cook Of all time Okay let me just try I googled names of fish

The other day What do you mean Like types of fish Were you cheating On our game No I was in my son's swim class And then they go

There's a fishie in the middle And you can't get out You can't get out You can't get out There's a fish in the middle and you can't get out What is he gonna do? And then they like point to a parent They're like name a fish

No And all the parents are like angel fish Clown fish and all these cute fishes And I'm like Tuna Like something gross Like tuna Bring your face.

You're like, oh, tonal. Because all I can make of fish I eat, and all, like, cute little angel fish and clown fish. So then I was like, I want to say something cute next class. So I Google types of fish. Okay. You were an excuse because that is good. That's like mommy wars to the extreme.

Like, I can't go into swim class with a shitty fish. Do you ever say, like, You can't even say like goldfish Because like everyone knows what a goldfish is You have to say something like kill like Angeophiles Or like a flaunter Have you said flounder yet? Is that like flounder's name on Little Mermaid

Or there's a real fish I don't know names of fish So I Google types of fish Ooh this is a good one Brittany Nadeu I work at a preschool And sometimes I let my farts get blamed on kids

Uh, slow clap. Don't even give a full cup. Slow. That's good. This is why you need three people in the room all the time. I know. I like the. The nut gallery.

Okay, I'm going to read two more. The peanut gallery. Yeah, but nut gallery sound funny. Okay, two more, ready? Okay. Lindy No, Indy Hashtag grape therapy

Confession Wardrobe Malfunction at last month's Christmas party In front of my CEO and other execs If you know you're a lightweight Only have one glass of wine

And do not try to dance salsa When the party music comes on Oh, so what do they should? You sound like the life of the party Yeah, I'm glad you were there Free the nipple We freed the nipple on Saturday night Okay, let's do

this with our own with our own uh confesh yeah we compared nipple sizes at the end of the night which is funny because how long have we been best friends for 20 20 some years that's counting oh you mean you don't remember our anniversary but really I think I was seven when I moved in across the street from you but we weren't best friends you know what we've been on each other's passport applications as knowing each other 20 some years fair enough and then one time they actually called me and they were like how long you know her. They're like, how big it's her nipple? I'm like, I don't know.

They're like, denied. But yeah, that was, we came back from the restaurant and I was trying on outfits. Trying on outfits for your event the next day. And then you're like, can you put this one on so I can see what it looks like. I'm like, oh my God, they just send you these clothes. They're so cute. And then you put on one and I put on one. And then for some reason I saw your nipple.

I'm like, oh my God, it's so little and cute. And I was like, look at me. I breastfeed. and this is a man up all the flag. You know what? I love this because I have so many moms that listen to the podcast and they really resonated with Jamie. Loved Jamie.

She's amazing. Pod. Yeah, such a good one. And so funny because you're like, I'm a freaking mom. I keep a human alive with my boobs. Yes. And I'm like, I'm not ashamed to my boobs. I'm just telling you like, you're the cute and perky.

And then mine are not so much, but who loves them? I do. Hey. And you know what? I don't even care if you're like. loves them because they keep his child alive and also all boobs are beautiful you're going to get excited over boobs no matter what they look like I agree from boob side boob he loves all the boob under boob under boob's hot

under boob is a great one nobody dislikes that not so much all boobs are beard all boobs all boobs are beautiful I didn't have to say it like that I was like But we did, we did compare it. We did. We did. And you know what? Next step. Viginos.

Mine's had two babies. Mine's just a nice little paper cut. This is, you know what? This podcast is going to end. That is your confession. Oh, but that's not even as crazy as your confession. You know what? I will tell you guys that my off.

the vine episode episode it's with a z it's so intense so the z because we're canadian it's with a zad next week's off the vine episode with uh style for the priv girls coming what what date will that be um Tuesday Tuesday or Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday January 30th the craziest the craziest confession that has ever been on the history of Caitlin's podcast will be revealed on January 30th. You told me it and I was flored. Flaude. No, it wasn't floored. I was flored.

Speechless. So you definitely want to tune in for that. Definitely. I'm still like I should just quit confessions all together after that because no one will top it. It's not even, it's not boogers on a dog. Oh, gosh, Bluegers on a dog is like... It's funny? That's like Barney the Dinosaur.

This one is like, okay, he should probably end the segment now. Yeah, I'm like concerned for everybody involved. Yes. So was I. I am still worried about it. Tune in. And that's how you tease an episode. Thank you, Brick.

I was going to go you pre-cook. You can? Nope. I just looked at her husband like, nope. No, no, you are brie-cooked. That is your identity. I'm always a cook. You are Bree Cook.

That means you're Bri and cook. Yeah. Okay. No. Brie. Anyways. Kate Land. I'm just going to call you something that I don't call you.

Caitlin Dawn. You guys? This is the end of your session. Oh. Oh, shoot. Next week. We will see you. No, I'm really sad to end this because I'm like, can you just?

No, end it. Okay. I'll see you. We can just. Continue your night. See you next session. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy. Tune in to hear new minisodes every Thursday.

And check out new full-length episodes every Tuesday, exclusively on Podcast 1.com, the Podcast 1 app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV? Hey, guys, it's Kelty Knight from the Lady Gang podcast, if you're into getting a very sassy, sexual, beautiful, inspiring, funny, oftentimes embarrassing, slightly anal podcast in your repertoire, subscribe to us, Lady Gang, on Podcast One, Podcast One app, and please write and review us on Apple Podcasts.