Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Would Fortune Feimster Go to Space?
Episode Date: May 11, 2023The comedian, actress, supermodel, and someone who is often on Kaitlyn’s For You Page (and ours too) known as Fortune Feimster is ready to get weird with us on today’s therapy sesh. Fortu...ne’s comedy specials on Netflix (no biggie) share the behind-the-scenes of her life and her relationship with now-wife Jax, and she’s giving us even more insight into their marriage and life together… like what embarrassing moment happened during their honeymoon phase and what does life look like as a fully practicing lesbian? Per usual, Kaitlyn has a very important question locked and loaded: would Fortune want a coveted first spot in space? And, would she be into Kaitlyn’s (potentially nudist) colony? Then, both Kaitlyn and Fortune bare all, with Kaitlyn sharing an honest moment that makes us gag and Fortune giving us a hot take that might make you rethink your morning routine. Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: EARTH BREEZE - Go to EarthBreeze.com/vine to get started and save 40%! ANGI - Go check out Angi, your home for everything home. HONEYLOVE - Treat yourself to the best shapewear on the market and save 20% off at honeylove.com with the code VINE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story.
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This episode of Grape Therapy is brought to you by EarthBreeze.
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I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now starting.
You are on my for you page all the time.
Oh, really? Yes. It's working the algorithm.
I know. You never know.
algorithm, but it's working. And before I get into everything, could you please introduce yourselves
to my listeners who I call the Vino's and tell us one thing that your wife would say about you
when you left the room? Oh, man. Well, my name is Fortune Feimster. I'm a comedian and an actress
and a supermodel. That part I don't get paid for. My wife would say I'm a beast.
beast after I left the room because like be so like no like I need to clean up after myself more
got it um I was just like heating lunch up and then touching things and she's like no just don't stop
you know I'm like smudging everything and I'm like getting jalapinos out of the jar with my
fingers she's like you are a beast so yeah I gotta work I gotta work on that
I know funny because I do the same thing, but also my fiancé does the same thing.
We're kind, we're like, we're like neat slabs where it look up from the outside.
It looks clean.
But if you go and look at my fridge, there's like little finger stains.
Yeah.
We see knobs everywhere.
But so our both of our moms are coming into town.
Um, and they've never met each other.
Oh, wow.
My mom is like next level OCD clean.
Yeah.
So I was like, well, I'm going to go around the house and like make sure everything's clean.
And I realized just how gross we are when I got that I'm close.
Yeah.
I'm like, I'm not like a junk person.
Like I don't have a lot of clutter.
Like I'm not like one of those people that's like stepping over pizza boxes.
My wife would for sure divorce me.
Yeah.
But she's like your mom like that OCD just like has to be everything really tidy.
And her mom's like that too.
my family is not like that so my mom literally walks around when she comes over to my house she walks
around with paper towels on her feet so that she's cleaning as she walks i can't believe that
your um your moms haven't met yet i know we're a terrible age couple like that's our dads have
met our dads have gone golfing our dads have gotten custom built golf clubs together doing like the
dad-dest dad things ever and then our moms have never met so we're taking them to the kentucky
Oh, wow. That'll be fun. Yeah. Can you hear? Oh, my, see, my wife is literally vacuuming right now.
It's really? I'm like, babe, I'm doing a podcast. It's okay. It's not like podcasts or all audio or anything.
I try to text her. I can hear the vacuum, but she's in her OCD world right now. It's like,
can't hear it. Okay, good. She's just cleaning up my mess. She was a kindergarten teacher, right?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, she was a kindergarten teacher for 12 years, like awesome teacher, really great at her job, loved her job, made a difference. And then she met me and I'm like, come to Los Angeles and be part of this circus that I'm in. So she moved here and tried to, she taught for a little bit and it was just so hard because I tore all the time. So if she had kept going, we just wouldn't see each other very much. And she was exhausted. Teachers were.
so hard. Her mom's a teacher. My mom's a teacher. So yeah. And then the pandemic hit and she's like,
am I really going to try to teach five year olds on Zoom? Well, also teaching five year olds on Zoom while
did she go tour and everything with you? Yeah, she started touring a lot with me and just that kind of
took over. After my, I had this special come out right before the pandemic called Sweet and Salty.
and I was supposed to do this huge tour
and everything like the day before it was to start
that's when the world shut down
Oh my gosh
So then when the gates kind of opened back up
It was like a tour on speed
It was like every city
Like every weekend
So it was like insane
There was no way she would have been able to keep up both things
Sometimes you just got to take one for the team there
Yeah
Now I heard you say that you wanted a bachelor's style
proposal, but it went very, very wrong.
And I need to share this story
with everyone because I was dying.
Y'all, you know, you made it look
so easy, so
romantic on that show.
I had planned to
take her to San
Eucidro Ranch. It's this really beautiful
hotel near Santa Barbara
because we had gone early on
in our relationship. And then
that was when there was all these mudslides and the
fires and it shut down for
like a while. So I had to kind of
to pivot last minute and I took her to this nice place in Big Sur and it just everything you know
everything when everything's just a hair off I got upsold on this like cabin and being like oh
we're going to be able to see the ocean it's like you know you're paying like 1500 more dollars a
night just to be wet by the ocean and we get there and it's fog just like you cannot see your
hand in front of your face I had caught ahead.
and asked the hotel if they would help me out with the room because I wanted to take her to dinner
and then I have I needed help. I didn't have the Bachelor production company. So I needed somebody
to go put some rose petals. And this I got from watching The Bachelor. I'm like, I got to put
rose petals in the hotel room. I got to get some chocolate cover strawberries, some champagne.
And I watched that from watching you guys. I learned it from watching you.
that's funny because it really is not romantic in real life like i wish you could actually see behind
the scenes of that because it's like they're like oh don't touch the strawberries oh don't eat the
chocolate yeah i always wondered why no one ever ate the food like on these dates and stuff i was like
look at that perfectly good steak right there no one's touching it i would eat it after when the
camera's burnt off then i'd be like okay i can eat this now yeah it is true nobody looks like super
sexy eating on camera no and then you don't have like the proper conversations that they want you to
have but anyways back to your so you did it end up like at the end i was kind of bummed about the
story for a little bit and then it ended up being in my last special i had it i was going to say it
ends up becoming anything that goes wrong can end up like material for you so when did your last
special come out my last one was called good fortune it just came out in october those two specials so
have been like a timeline the first one was very much about like me growing up me figuring myself
out coming to terms of my sexuality um and and like coming out to my family uh and then the second
one was a lot about my relationship grow kind of growing up proposing getting married uh sort of that
more adult kind of place that I'm in and then the I'm currently touring right now with a very with a brand new
hour and it starts with the honeymoon and like settling into married life and and things like me
being a beast.
Is your wife mine being in your stand-up specials?
She, she's very shy and is like one of the few people in L.A. that does not want to be famous
and does not want to be on television.
Like we have to almost beg her.
But she's so supportive.
Like she doesn't mind at all like our story, like our life and our stories.
being told she's the one that you know she's she's a producer on both specials so she's
always like going over ideas with me and like remember when this happened to us so she's she doesn't
mind the material oh i love that it's hard sometimes to work with your partner and i feel like
that's like a true testament especially for you both who like really settled down in the pandemic
and and work together i'm like so you're the real deal then cool cool yeah we spend a lot of time
together but you know that's what us lesbians do we're so kind of
codependent. One of the girls I just had on the podcast, she called herself a non-practicing
lesbian. Oh. And I loved that because we were like, we feel like lesbians just get it more than most
people. That's true. It really is, though. And we were talking about how we're non-practicing.
You just haven't figured out, in my opinion. I mean, I have so many straight women tell me, like,
I wish I could just be a lesbian. And, you know, like, I can't force myself to be straight.
They can't force themselves to be gay.
But sometimes it just seems nice to just have two ladies braiding each other's hair, sharing feelings.
That's all it is, right?
It's just one giant sleepover, honestly.
You feel like every night you're getting to have a sleepover with your best friend.
That sounds really nice.
I mean, obviously it comes with its hardships and certain, you know, things in life and hurdles that you have to go through.
For sure, especially when there's a spider in the house.
um that becomes very difficult because i'm technically i think supposed to be the butch one uh just based
on my outfits but i'm so not butch i talk about that and good fortune too like i am not what
you appears on the outside wait where can people find your special they have to watch it both
specials are on netflix like obviously Netflix is like the dream to get on for pitching a show when you were
pitching where you kind of like yeah like Netflix would be up there for me or did
Netflix come to you and be like we want you the standup is a big building block you know you're
always trying to like get some opportunity that hopefully leads to another opportunity it's always
like you're always trying to look at the bigger picture um I got lucky because uh back in 2017 they
they were kind of experimenting with half hour specials and they decided to do this thing called
the stand-ups where they were like going to take six stand-ups that were on the on the rise and let
them do 30 minutes and I did it with like Nate brigatsy who just sold out like 20,000 seats
in Nashville so there were six of us and we and I just got asked I was it was really cool that
they thought of me and that's where you kind of get your foot sort of in the door so like now they
know you but to get that hour is very coveted it's like every stand-up in the world wants
to get an hour with them.
So I filmed my half hour.
So like a year and a half later, I'm like, I'm ready.
Don't you got, aren't you guys excited?
And they're like, no, you're not ready.
And you're like, what?
You just kind of assume that once you're like in the door that, hey, like, we're family, right?
Okay.
Could you put in a good word with me for Netflix?
Because I'm going to try and pitch a show.
You're going to do stand up?
I'm just going to test.
My building blocks were really just going on reality TV.
To start a stand-up career
You're like, I'm gonna just
Go straight for stand-up
Hey Katie Thurston did it
Do you still watch The Bachelor of The Bachelorette?
I haven't watched the last two seasons
But up until then, I watched
Every season religiously
Who is your favorite Bachelor?
Gosh, my favorite Bachelor
I was like the Bachelorette better
I mean, I just
liked having you ladies in charge
I do
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Hey, it's your pal, Caitlin Bristow.
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My computers, I'm just shutting down a couple things because that might be it, but it's definitely me, not you.
It's me.
I'm the problem. It's me.
Have you gone to a Taylor Swift concert yet?
No, they're really hard to get into.
I'm very lucky because one of my friends' families has a box.
sweet so we're going my mom's flying in so i'm taking her to taylor swift and then the derby and it's
oh man you were a good daughter my mom calls me every time i'm on tour like i like nashville
i'm like mom i can't take you every to every city you sold out the rhyming yeah it was cool
that was like uh one of those bucket list moments oh my gosh that is really cool that's so um like
historic and iconic the crowd was insane i walked out on stage and i was like
it felt like a rock concert they were just so like
I was like oh my god this is
it's just like thrown yourself out and went like crowd surfing
yeah I want I would have gone crowd surfing
if I wasn't afraid that everyone would drop me
because that's I feel like people would not let you down
I'm going to switch gears for a second and I need you to go
with me on this one okay I have to ask you a question
you have a lesbian question you have a lesbian question
Can you imagine? I'm just like, so which one of you? No, I'm just kidding. If you got the chance to be one of the first 100 people to go start a colony on a new planet, would you do it?
I can answer that in 2.2 seconds. Absolutely not. What if they had unlimited espresso?
You were about to say Starbucks. You're like, what if there's a Starbucks and it's free?
yeah what if there's a free starbucks and you would get to bring your dog well see I love I love coffee and I love my dog I don't know why I have no interest in space like everybody's like oh if you know now that like Elon and what's his face Richard Branson you know and Jeff Bezos they're all trying to go to space they're like would you go on that I'm like no I don't want a rocket attached to my ass like there's
just a bomb blasting you into space and I'm like no thank you it's like you want to climb
mount everest I don't no look at pictures but yeah I've never do you are you a space gal or would
you want to go I wouldn't want to go I'm like a colony sounds appealing if it was a certain way
going to space doesn't appeal to me at all because I have like I guess puke phobia and I know
that astronauts like when they go up and do the gravity zero gravity thing like there's a lot of
piquing involved and that alone makes me be like no thanks now when you say a colony a certain way do you
mean like nudist colony like i picture a colony with like um a bunch of families like raising their
kids together and dogs in like this wholesome environment and like no internet oh i just went
straight to like everyone's nude there's dongs everywhere
I could get down with no dongs to be honest with you
Yeah talk to me when it's a lesbian colony
Maybe that
A lesbian colony with dogs
No internet
And free espresso
And Charlie's serone is the like in charge of the colony
The leader
Then I might change my mind
I just really want you to like say yes to my question
But what if I am
Except we need one guy to kill spiders
I would kill the spiders
spiders don't really freak me out snakes spiders like i'm not going to get excited if i see one
but birds scare me way more that's the one thing i don't miss about being in the south because
you know i'm from north Carolina right beside uh you guys because you're in tennessee right
yeah yeah there were many snakes in my childhood and i don't want that that's fair enough
do you like living in l.a i do i've been out here now 20 years um been there that long i know it doesn't
sound like it because I have such a thick southern accent. I don't know, Caitlin, 20 years and this
accent has not changed. I love that though because first of all, I'm a little bit sad that I don't
have such a thick Canadian accent anymore because Canadian accents are so funny. And I feel like
I tried too hard to not have my Canadian accent for a while because I was so sick of people
calling me out for it and being like oh out to the boat but if i i who figured this out about me the
other day if i'm drunk or if i'm stressed out that's when my canadian accent cuts up yeah i didn't
realize that canadian's called pasta pasta it's so stupid i realize how dumb that sounds because
again that was one thing that i kept being like oh it's pasta but now i don't say pasta because
I'm trying too hard where I'm used to saying pasta. So when I say, it just sounds like I'm trying
to be like, oh, stop. I want some pasta, please. Yeah, I can't, I can't really, um, find out, you
know, differences in other people's way of speaking, because listen to me. In another lifetime,
I will come back with a Southern accent. I love a Southern accent so much so that I just started
incorporating y'all into my vocabulary. And I'm really trying to make it happen. Well, you're
surrounded by people that say y'all so i imagine that will happen sooner than later i've been here for six
years oh okay this is the first year i feel like it's acceptable that i can say y'all uh but i'm also
canadian so sometimes an a slips out and i just have to make sure that that doesn't happen in the same
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Okay, I have one more thing for you.
All right.
If I'm being honest.
So we're going to lighten the load and we're going to get some things off our chest.
Mine's actually really embarrassing.
So it doesn't have to be embarrassing.
It's just more controversial.
Like a thought you've done that would maybe be considered like unacceptable by people.
I think like on my last one we were talking about how.
We had a friend that wiped her butt back to front.
Oh.
Unacceptable.
Yeah.
Spreading things where they don't need to be spread.
Yeah, exactly.
And so it's been, some have been controversial and some not so much.
But mine is really, I didn't want to share it.
And then I was like, well, who would I be as the host of the show if I don't share my own?
Yeah, we need you to bear your soul.
We need to know all your secrets.
Okay.
So this morning, I went to take out my retainers because I said it every night. And I don't know if you've ever had retainers or taking them out in the morning, but they smell like a certain way. Oh, I've never had, I've never had retainers. It literally smells like fart in a mouth. And I, for some reason, enjoy the smell when I take out my retainers in the morning.
You have a fart mouth. How does Jason feel about this? Does you just stay away from?
from you? He has no idea.
He doesn't know.
It's only a fart mouth when I take them out.
It's not when they're in it.
You're just smelling the fart come out of your mouth as you go to take them and put them
on your nightstand.
You're like, ugh.
It's not disgusting.
Yeah, that is pretty gross.
Is there a way to, is there anything to do anything about it or it's just?
Well, so today I went and bought this is just, I'm really doubling down on the embarrassment
here, but I went and bought denture cleaner because I thought maybe I could soak my retainer.
like now my retainer smell like chemical farts
oh my gosh please make me feel better and tell you have one worse of that
oh man we'll see i wasn't thinking of anything embarrassing about myself i was just going to
reveal i was just going to reveal a strong opinion about something but now i feel like i
need to tell you something embarrassing do both if i just weren't so perfect
yeah it's tough it's tough when you're 7 out of 10 I um I I what god what well the first thing I was
going to reveal that bothers me and then I'll tell you I'll try to think of something embarrassing
about myself um I'm you talked you mentioned coffee a little bit ago I'm like you would never
know about my accent but I'm a giant coffee snob yeah I love those coffee shops that are very
minimal there's like nothing in them they have like six things on the menu um the baristas are
kind of mean to you and you know you try to order it one way and they're like that's not how
coffee's meant to be served and you're like i hate you but i know that this is going to be a good
cup of you know espresso or whatever it is and so uh my thing is um i i you know latte is very
popular they're probably one of the most popular coffee drinks there is uh to me it's a cup of milk
it's a cup of milk uh with a tiny itty bitty pinch of espresso you are just drinking a giant
cup of milk and uh people don't like to hear that because only children drink milk but guess what
you're drinking a cup of milk a warm glass of milk too is even worse than just a cold cup of milk like a
child a warm glass of milk like a warm glass of milk like a five-year-old like either like a five-year-old
or a 90-year-old woman who's like this is how I wind down yeah like the grandma on uh
what's at happy Gilmore and she's like can I have a glass of warm milk to help me see that's what
people are doing I agree with you though but I always add if I get a latte I always add an
extra shot of espresso that helps well what I started doing is I order a cortata which is
half um have it's the basically equal parts milk and espresso so you're it's the exact you know
equal amount but i'm southern so i like ice and and the purists say there's no such thing as
an ice quartado so i'll some places are like yeah no problem they just know hey i'm gonna take
what was gonna be hot and i put it on ice the the mean ones that i go to are like we don't do that
and so then I have to order a warm cortata and then I say can I buy a cup of ice and then and they look at me like you bitch and then they give it to me
I take the warm quartata and I pour it over the ice right in front of them right in front of them right in front of them and I put it down and I go thank you I love I consider myself a very sweet person
and that's my only bitchy thing I do.
What they don't even realize is they're doing more work
because they're having to steam the milk.
They're doing all the stuff,
whereas all I want is them to just be like,
and you don't have to steam the milk.
Jokes on you.
That's like when I used to be in the restaurant industry,
and if anyone tipped and had pennies in there,
I would make sure they were watching me
and I would just throw the pennies in the garbage.
That's a move right there.
the power move. I don't even, I don't need your pennies.
I love your pennies. We don't even use those in Canada anymore.
Yeah.
There's no pennies in Canada.
It's true. No pennies there.
Because they're stupid.
But I'll reveal one embarrassing thing about me.
When I, because you brought up farts, so I figure we've already gone down this road.
When I was first dating my now wife, Jacks, you know, there's this period of time where
you try to pretend like you have no bodily functions that are gross your mouth that smells amazing you don't poop you don't do anything you're perfect this is during that phase yeah we were in the honeymoon phase and i woke up um i was we were both dead asleep and in my sleep i sneezed so loud like my entire body reacted
And at the same time as I sneezed, I simultaneously ripped one louder than you've ever heard in your entire life where I like, it woke me out of a deep sleep.
And I stood, I like, I just sat there very still like, please God, please God tell me that she's the world's, you know, deepest sleeper.
I did not hear that.
And then she just started like die, like just exploding with laughter.
And I started dying with laughter and we could not believe what came out of my body.
That's incredible.
And then did that break the ice?
Oh, it broke the seal.
She wishes she could termack time.
And I still acted, you know, pre that.
But that broke the seal in probably not a great way.
That's incredible.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
I do feel a little bit better about myself now.
Thank you for giving me a safe space.
I talk about my sneeze fart.
always the same place here on great therapy.
Have you ever done that?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Like, your body just, like, can't control either end.
It's actually the worst thing ever happened to me in that scenario, but it wasn't, it was when
I was like 14 years old and I was in ballet class.
I didn't care because it was around like girlfriends that I spent every day with.
But I was eating a granola bar and I sneezed granola, granola, granola,
out of my mouth and I farted
at the same time and it was like
that stuff is
humiliating. I coughed once
when I was 14 and a loogee
went right into a guy's cheek.
He just like
looks like a ghost went in front of him
and he's like
I wonder why I never had any
dates. You're like and I had to do it
again.
Oh my gosh. I could just
I mean, I could chew the shit with you all day, but I'm going to let you go because that wraps our time here on Great Therapy Podcasts. I thank you so much for coming on. I want everybody to watch all of your specials and follow you. What is your Instagram and TikTok?
So my Instagram, TikTok, all that good stuff is my name at Fortune Feemster. If you can't spell Feamster, I mean, there's no other comedian named Fortune. So I'm pretty easy to find. I'm on tour all over the country, even Australia.
yeah i'm gonna do a big run in australia this in july i'm excited um i yeah my specials good fortune and sweet
and salty and then food bar with arnold coming may 25th i'm gonna be shooting guns that's
freaking awesome may 25th okay and that's also on netflix yeah oh amazing i'm gonna get to talk to you
i was uh always love watching you on tv uh with the with the bachelor of course and bachelor but then
dancing with the stars girl doing your thing yes
I'm kicking at my dancing with the stars a mirror ball right now.
That's right, baby.
Winner.
I know.
It never gets old either, ever.
I'm good at the robot.
So if you ever need someone to dance with you.
We could do a TikTok together where we just do the robe.
Oh, oh, is that?
Yeah, I got moves.
Not a robot.
I thought I was a robot there for a second.
It was very good.
So good.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for having me.
Any freaking time.
I'm going to have to have you back on.
If you start watching Bachelor again or Paradise,
I want to have you on for a real.
recap. Heck yeah. Well, I'll watch it just to do that. Just for you.
Perfect. Good luck with all of your tours and everything. And I was talking to you soon.
All right. Bye. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending.
And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating and review.
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