Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Grape Therapy: Your Journey to Self-Love with Alicia Mccarvell

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

Hey, you, reading this… are you ready to feel inspired? The incredible Alicia Mccarvell is joining KB on the mic today to talk all about her journey to self-love and how she came to accept that her body truly is the least interesting thing about her (and you, too). Alicia explains to Kaitlyn how she went viral and started using her platform as a place to motivate and encourage others to love themselves, even on the bad days. Despite the haters and trolls (don’t worry, we’ll learn the three E system to saying bye to them), Alicia has remained committed to honoring and staying true to herself through her community. She and Kaitlyn review Alicia’s 5 things that impact your journey to self-love… and you’re going to want a pen and paper for this one. She also explains why she decided to speak out on her sexuality, describes how she doesn’t necessarily fit into the body positive movement, and shares a very relatable (yet cringe) confession. STARBUCKS - STARBUCKS BAYA Energy drink is available online, at grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide. HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.   LONDRE - Londre is offering $17 off your first order at londrebodywear.com with code OTV17.  FUZZY - Right now, Fuzzy is offering my listeners a FREE 7-Day Trial membership. Go to YourFuzzy.com/vine today to sign up . CYMBIOTIKA - Use code OFFTHEVINE on cymbiotika.com for 15% off sitewide or create your custom bundle and get up to 45% off. PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming ontario this week's grape therapy is sponsored by laundre laundre is offering $17 off your first order at laundre bodyware dot com with code o tv 17 fuzzy right now fuzzies offering my listeners a free seven-day trial membership go to your fuzzy dot com slash vine today to sign up symbiotica use code off the vine on symbiotica.com for 15% off sitewide or create your custom bundle and get up to 45% off. And Progressive. Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. This episode is brought to you by the new Starbucks Buy a Energy drink.

With caffeine naturally found in coffee fruit, it's energy that's good. Starbucks Buy a Energy drink is available online at grocery stores and convenience stores and gas stations nationwide. This week's pod is brought to you by Hyundai and the 2022 Tucson and Santa Fe plug-in hybrid EVs. Learn more about the widest range of electrified vehicles at Hyundai, USA.com. Podcast One presents Off the Vine, Grace Therapy. Caitlin Bristow's going to answer your questions, drink to your confessions, and hear what you have to say about anything Bachelor. Let's shake it up some more. Here's Caitlin.

It's so nice to finally meet you. I feel like singing Lizzo's like, it's a damn damn time. Yes. This is not my confession, but I'm also wearing sweatpants in solidarity. Yes, I love it. I mean, why not, right?

I'm actually just lucky I'm wearing pants because a lot of times I'm not. And I actually, one time it was so funny because my dog started barking and I was on a Zoom. I don't remember. what it was it wasn't a podcast it was something else and i had to get up quickly and they totally saw that i wasn't wearing pants and i had to learn my lesson the hard way so now i wear sweats oh well you could be known for you could be known for worse i think i am i think i might be i'm not sure

gosh um well thank you for being here today i'm so excited are you in your home right now do you have like a little cute setup at your house like that i do yeah that's awesome this is like my first ever like office face oh really yeah like but don't don't don't kick confused. That is where we're at with that. So, but yes, it looks beautiful behind me. I've had my office for about four years here and mine still looks like that and it just always will. I, anytime a package comes for me, Jason will just throw it in my office and then I let it sit there for a stupid amount of time and then everything just piles up and that's life. That's what's why we moved into a bigger space was so that I wouldn't stop taking over the rest of the house. So now this part of my house looks like this. So the rest of my house can

look nice. I love it. We have so many mutual friends. I'm so excited to talk to you. I've been starting off my podcast with asking people how they're feeling today using a movie title. So now is your chance. Dazed and confused. That's a good one. That is a good one for Monday. Yeah, Monday. And I just have so much on the go, which is so exciting. But it's like new for me because the last two years have been pandemic and like haven't been able to travel. So most of my schedule is like built around being home and now my schedule is automatically like just growing with not being home. So I'm very dazed and confused most of the time, not just Mondays, but especially Mondays. I mean, that that is the movie title that always comes to my mind. I haven't said it on the

pod yet. You're the first one to say that one, which is amazing. But every time in my head I go dazed and confused because that's just truly, that's like an autobiography by Caitlin Bristow, based and confused. It's just who I am as a human being. I've just heard and seen so many amazing things about you and see you on TikTok and your energy is just like it's magnetic, it's electric. I just love who you are as a human being. I know that, like, of course, even the most positive of positive human beings can be

brought down by the internet. And it can be so hard sometimes because I like to think of the internet as two different things. It's either a warm hug and, like, makes you feel so connected and appreciated, and then it'll, like, punch you in the tits and kick you while you're down. And I know I feel the same way that some days it can just be so hard, but you do seem to remain positive. So I want to know two things. First of all, how do you deal when you see negative comments or trolls or negative things on the internet? What do you do personally for yourself? I make it about business. I make it about business. rather than making it personal, I have a 3E system, so I either erase the comment or I educate

the person or I eradicate them for my space. And those are kind of my go-toes, which make it a little bit easier for me to kind of navigate it without feeling like it's a personal attack on me specifically. I think the best part about my platform is that I'm trying to really break down a lot of the beauty standards and I'm putting myself in a position and really showcasing parts of me that I know the world thinks is ugly. So I'm prepared for that to come my way. So educate is typically what I hope to do because I hope to educate people that my body's the least interesting thing about me and for most people and that there's a lot more to it. But sometimes I have to hit that erase button and sometimes I have to eradicate people for my

spaces and that just allows me to kind of protect my boundaries but I definitely treat it like a business interaction because if I treated everything that came my way negatively as a personal attack I would be stuck and I know I DM'd you last week because I you know fell upon a forum which of the depths of the dark internet and it took a lot over to me for three days and so sometimes there's no there's no E to get rid of it and sometimes it's just so extreme that you have to kind of take a break and just like reground yourself but well there's i've got an e for you it in that case you just exit the situation and you give yourself those three days to to let it affect you because it it allows you to have that space away from the internet because you have become a business so

i love that you think of yourself as a business because that is what you have built for yourself you know and that's an incredible thing but it comes with people being awful and i i want to just backtrack for a second, speaking of educating people. I wanted you to just introduce who you are to my listeners, even though they're all obsessed with you. And if we have any new listeners, I would love for you to just explain. I've heard you explain, like, kind of who you are and how you came to be. And so I wanted you to just explain that for my listeners. Yeah. So I'm a little old nobody from Halifax, Nova Scotia. I started sharing my life on a whim after losing my job of almost seven years. And I was given this really cool platform after a video went viral of me

totally exploiting my hot husband on the internet, which I have zero regrets over. But yeah, it started off on this viral video and has now evolved into something more than that. But I always try to explain to people that my story is not important. And it's not this big, huge thing, but it has attracted the views of millions of people because all of our stories are important and everybody's going through something similar in my world of feeling like I was so alone with everything I was struggling with my body has now become this platform of collectively adding people into it who are feeling the same and struggling the same way and learning all at the same time. And yeah, I have not.

no idea what I ever did to get it, but it's the coolest thing in the entire world. And now I'm having conversation with you, which I think I need to shout out the fact that this makes me so much cooler to my friends than anything, because I have some friends who are absolutely obsessed with you. Oh, my God, I love that. The minute that you asked me to be on the podcast, I sent them both a message and they were like, no, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry the whole episode.

So, yeah. So it gets, it gives me the chance to have these cool conversations with cool people. And, like, you talked about having mutual friends. It's like, this platform has not only created a space where I can make other people feel safe, but it's also created this space where I've cultivated some of the coolest, most important and strongest friendships that I've ever had in my entire life. And, yeah, it's, it's super cool. I think that's sometimes how.

I shift my brain into thinking positively with internet too, because I'm like, wow, I have made some really incredible friendships that have changed my life that wouldn't have happened unless it was for the internet. And it's one of those stupid things that's way easier said than done, but like taking the good with the bad, that's, you could do that in any aspect of your life. And the internet can be one of those things too where sometimes I'm just like, I hate this human being that's speaking so poorly towards me in my DMs and then I'm like but then I have like so many incredible even fake friendships they're real but they're fake like I feel the way about all of my listeners I'm like I don't even know some of them but I still feel like they're my friends on the internet because they listen to me all the time

and and that's so special to me and it's just there's so much give and take with the stupid internet but I think it's you know it's all about perspective and you're allowed to have down days and you're allowed to let them affect you and then you're allowed to bless them and block them like i think birds papaya sarah says yes them block them just in time for summer i have a new sponsor that i know you guys are going to want to check out and that is laundry bodyware it's a sustainable and ethical swimwear and apparel brand it's already beloved by celebrities and it's also a women-led brand which we love and they are creating the most flattering swimsuits with the least impact on the planet i have literally been wearing these bathing suits like one of those

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to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Now back to Off the Vine Grape Therapy. Okay, so let's get to your confidence and your positivity because what I'm gathering from you saying, you have this platform now where women have come together to, you know, like, feel the same insecurities or low times. I feel like you've gotten to a place where you're pretty overall positive and confident. And how did you get there if you're feeling like maybe you always weren't there? I wasn't always there. And I think that that's like been the coolest part of my journey and just sharing that with people is that I'm I wasn't always there and I'm not always there. There's always days that are just not good. And I think that that comes with anything that you

do. You can have the greatest relationship with your partner, but you're still going to have bad days with your partner. You're still going to have, you know, you can have the greatest job in the entire world. You're still going to have bad days at that job. Nothing changes when it comes to your relationship with your body. It's the exact same. You can enjoy being in it and respect it, but there's still going to be days that are hard. I think for me, the biggest thing that I ever did for myself was I started a love me journal. And it was a journal that I got from the dollar store. And every day I made myself sit down and write something that I liked about who I was that had nothing to do with my body. Some days it was easy. Some days it was really hard depending on how my day had gone.

and then six months later I was left with this book with hundreds of things about me that were great that had nothing to do with my body yet for some reason I was always leading with my body I couldn't be successful because of my body I couldn't be considered funny because of my body but those things all existed regardless of if I was thin or fat or tall or short and really learning how to separate who I was from what I look like is what kind of changed my dynamic with how I lived my life. Long story short, I did a bikini competition years ago where I lost over 100 pounds. I was the smallest I'll ever be in my entire life. And I got across the stage and in a moment where I thought I would feel relief and success, I felt like I still wasn't enough

and that there was more to do. And then that was kind of when I realized that like maybe it isn't my body. Maybe there's something else going on that I need to change and learn. And yeah, so that Love Me Journal was definitely the thing that kind of changed the trajectory. And then I had a moment on a beach with my husband in a bathing suit for the first time in 12 years where I realized that I had been not allowing myself experiences and thinking that it was only me that was being impacted by that when realistically it was you know here we were on a beach 12 years into our relationship had never been to one having the time of our life one of my favorite it's a core memory for for both of us but I had not allowed us to do that for 12 years because of my

insecurities and because of how I felt with my body that was probably my life altering moment where I realized that like okay you're being selfish at this point like you think it's just impacting you but it's impacting the people that you love of. And as I dug deeper, I realized that I had years of my life that I had no photos. I had events in my life that I chose not to be a part of. And on the other side of that was friends who didn't have photos with me. On the other side of that were people who invited me to things that probably thought I didn't want to be there when realistically I wanted to be. I just wasn't allowing myself to be. And it was the first time I had seen the other side of the page

of this story that I had made just about me. And that's when mixed with that Love Me Journal was kind of when I said this is that like we're not going to say no anymore. We're going to start being visible. We're going to start doing things that are

important to other people because we should be and slowly but surely with each new thing that I would do and each new event that I would be a part of and each new piece of clothing I would try it's led me to the point of being here and and being the you know the positive person that you mentioned before because i mean

if it weren't for those little things i i would not be here but yeah see like you said earlier i don't know why i went viral i don't know how i got this platform that right there everything you just said is why because you had gone through years 12 years of what you're saying like where you'd kind of abandon yourself and then realize it wasn't even just about you it was about how it could impact other people. And you've learned so many lessons over that time that now you've been, you know, given this platform out of no coincidence, because I don't believe in coincidences, you are supposed to be here in this position sharing your story with other people because you could really, and I'm sure you know this, you could really change people's lives

with your story because people could listen to this right now and be like, holy shit, I didn't even realize that that's what I have been doing and I'm going to turn the beat around right now, right here in this moment. And you've now have this voice and this platform to help other people do the same thing, which is incredible. And you inspire me in so many ways and especially when it comes to your relationship because I always get a little bit jealous of people who have been together with their high school sweethearts because that's the dream, right? You like grow together, not apart and you have this love story and you're still in love after all these years. And you get to live that and you know your husband is in your videos quite often and he's just you guys just have the

best relationship and the most fun so i have a few questions about the relationship first one is you said even the best the best relationships get into arguments how in the time that you have like probably changed so much as two people could in you know your lifetime how do you grow together and get through hard times i always kind of use this analogy like thinking of your best friend in the whole entire world, your platonic best friend. There isn't much that can be thrown at both of you that would alter your relationship. You get through it together because your friendship comes first and you navigate that. You're open.

You're honest. I always tell people that the reason why Scott and I have been so successful in our relationship is that we were friends first. We're friends first and then we're partners second. and I you know when you add the dynamic of of you know a partnership you're adding in a lot more to it but at the end of the day you remove those things he's still my best friend he's still the first person I and I don't want to tell him that because he is my husband I want to tell him that because he's my best friend he just also happens to be my husband because we have moved that path in our lives and we met when we met in high school like we were friends first like it it it it it has happened organically for sure. But yeah, our friendship comes first. So when we have these disagreements or we have moments that we come to head on things, regardless of our partnership, we're friends first. So I have to look at it makes it easier. Again, not to separate like business, but it makes

it easier for me to step on it. How would I handle this if he were my friend and not just my partner? because I think sometimes we allow that love side of things and that passion side of things to kind of really cloud our judgment in those moments that come with love like that, it comes jealousy and it comes, all of these things come into it, things that you don't necessarily allow to cloud your judgment in a regular friendship. So that's kind of been our go-to is just like, how would I treat my friend if we were in this moment or how would I communicate or how would I navigate this? and that's worked really well for us. And yeah, it's been a long time. It's been a long time. How long have you two been together? It'll be 16 years in December.

Holy shit. That is awesome. Is the seven-year itch a real thing? Well, I don't see. Here's the thing. We were together so young that like seven years for us was like we were like little. Yeah. And like, yeah, little.

So like 16 years. We're 21. when we had through like seven year itch so like that would be yeah i would say yes but i like our dynamic our relationships like also different because we i struggled so much with my body throughout the majority of our relationship where i just i on top of loving him and being his partner i also neglected him and not didn't allow him to love me the way i needed to be loved like there's so many levels to that too like i was growing and adapting and a lot of people find their self-love before they're with a partner and and I was I was navigating not liking myself but

also just having this person that was always there to be like yeah but I like you but like I like you and I'm here and definitely took that for for granted but I think it's less about like the seven year itch and more about like I think when we got to 21 that was like the point where we had to kind of when you're seven years deep and you're 21 years old it's scary because it's like okay well like this is a long time to be together and you kind of have to make the decision on like where is this going. A lot of people don't make it to seven years not engaged or not married like typically yeah like if you meet it when you're 25 seven years deep you're probably already married and you probably already had those conversations. We were 21 having some pretty serious conversations about like where

we wanted to go or what we wanted to do. So I think it's a thing but I think it's a communication thing too. like just making sure that you're on the same page because I that's happened to us multiple times like we're we're together but at the same time like our we're both growing and adapting and learning and yeah we're stuck together but there's things that are pulling us in other directions and just trying to find ways to like keep ourselves on the same page while still including the new and exciting things that are a part of our lives like this is yeah this is completely out of scott's comfort zone like my whole this whole platform him being, he's an introvert that would prefer to introvert for the rest of his life.

I'm an extrovert and this is like, this is all new. And it works so well in our dynamic in our regular life, but then you add social media into it and like him being a part of it. Um, but I, I've used this quote before and it's probably one of my favorite is that I have a partner that step stepped out of his comfort zone so that I could flourish in mine. Um, and I think that that's like super. I won admirable from him, but he, that's why he's my partner. That's why he's my best friend is because in this case, and, you know, it's a give and take and understanding that, like,

I can't always go to every event with him. And I can't, oh, he won't always be present at certain things. And, like, I'm lucky that I kind of, we already knew that dynamic before getting into this is, is just learning how to respect his battery because our batteries are very different. Totally. Two completely different ways. So that's so, I was going to ask about that because we just, know what we see on the internet. And so I'm like, he seems like this confident, and of course he probably is, confident, really loving guy, but I would have guessed he was more of an extrovert. Like, even though he's, you know, like more in the background, he still seems like this

confident guy. So I was wondering how he was dealing with, you know, all of a sudden this overnight platform of everybody watching and everybody's seeing your relationship. And I wondered how that was for him. It took some time at the beginning, like, for sure, to, like, get him involved in certain things. But I think that was just also him learning how to take it seriously. Because, like, it's when the platform blew up originally, it was like, okay, well, how long is this going to last? What is this going to be about what, you know, where are you going to go with it? Who are you going to be including in your platform? Those, those little things. And then now that it's gotten to the point where obviously this is my job

and this is what I'm passionate about, his willingness to be a part of things. And I'll, some of my funniest videos are his idea. So he might be an introvert, but he is also super funny, super funny and creative. And he has that great side to him. But yeah, it's definitely out of, out of his comfort zone. But I mean, I think he's been adapting and creating a new comfort zone over the last two years. And it's been wonderful for me because I, I'm an extrovert. When you're an extrovert that doesn't have a platform, your ability to like step back is so much easier. And so I've learned so much from him now, having my platform about how to disconnect and about how to remove myself. Yeah, again, I don't believe in

coincidences, but there's a reason why I, you know, am married to an introverted partner with this platform because his ability to kind of ground me in those moments where I don't know how to ground myself. And then my ability to pull him into moments where he might not choose to be in the spotlight have worked really well for both of us. So yeah, it's a good Evan Flo or like, push and pull or whatever you want to say it is. Definitely a push and pull. Yeah. I mean, that's relationships in general, I think.

But that's, I always preach self-love before finding your partner. But I think there's something so beautiful about finding that from your partner or with your partner that's been your best friend for so long. Did Scott always feel like, did he always have this self-love about himself? Was that something that helped you? Or did he have to find that himself, too? I mean, the one thing that's always annoyed me about Scott and our entire relationship is that he, he is the most stubborn human being in the entire world.

And he doesn't give, but it's also one of the most lovable things about him because his stubbornness also makes him loyal and just this, you know, but he is, for me, he's also my number one supporter. So when I was going through trying to navigate the world of like, trying to find ways to love myself and the love my body and change my body and adapt my body. He just was always a supportive partner. There was no, this isn't a good idea. There was no, he just always was there for the climb and the drop no matter what.

And that's something that I appreciate so much about him is his ability to not step in and be like, yeah, no, this is no. Like, probably not great. Like I needed to make those mistakes. And I think that that's super important, especially with a partner. that you've been with for this long is that I didn't need a coach. I just, I needed a fan. I needed somebody that was going to cheer me on through all of that. And he's never stepped in to be that coach.

Now, he has been exercising and been a part of this lifestyle since he was 13 years old. So it's built into him to be moving and to move and and be in this body. But he's coming with an introvert as an introvert, him specifically, he doesn't have a ton of confidence. So I think the platform for me has allowed me to kind of showcase him in a way that he doesn't necessarily see himself. Like he's he's an incredible partner and when I get to showcase that and people get to kind of praise him for that, I think that's really cool for me because I don't think he understands the depths of who he is. And I think he's also very naive and I always tease him because I don't think he gets like that when women are hitting on him or they want to like they're having conversations. with him like he doesn't think about it that way which is again one of the sweetest parts about who he is but yeah but yeah it's been really cool for me to like kind of help him see his best qualities in the spotlight as well to help

him have have more confidence but i would beg to to say that i'm the most confident person in our relationship now for sure you know it's one of those things and that's really put into perspective like he works so hard on his body he's an athlete but with that comes so much much deeper things too like that you know that never-ending body like i mean i was the fittest i was ever going to be and i still wasn't enough so like i think i think that it just kind of goes to show that it's not necessarily about about your body specifically but he's come a long way but i'm definitely i'm most definitely more confident than he is which is kind of a surprise for a lot of people to see but it's definitely the truth.

No, I love that. I think that's great. And I think it's probably because you worked so hard on yourself, you know, and with that comes confidence. All right, quick cue for you. Do you ever spend hours Googling how to take care of your pet, everything from like, why is my cat sneezing so much to what do you do when your dog eats a stick of butter? No, it's just me.

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But I wanted to start with saying this month being Pride Month, I wanted to talk about and celebrate that you announced that you were bisexual a few weeks ago. And your post was just really beautiful. Like the way you said it, and I won't try and say. it in your words because it was just beautiful and everyone should go look at it. But how did it feel to share that part of yourself with the world? And I know I know the answer to this because I read the caption and everything, but why did you choose to share it? I was excited to share it with people just because I have known it for a long time. I came out to Scott a year and a half ago

after kind of coming out to my little sister and kind of coming out to my best friend. And I say that lightly because we had just conversations to kind of solidify how I was feeling. I'm my platform is built on honesty and trust and being authentic to who I am. I just was feeling the weight of this part of who I was that nobody knew about. And I mean, I share who I am every day and I'm honest about who I am and I felt like I was lying by just like not addressing this part about it. And there's just so many other things like, I'm I've lived with the privilege of walking into a room with a man and being seen as straight. I've lived with that privilege.

Not that it's a privilege to walk into a room of a man, but it's a privilege to have that, to have that, that straight veil kind of put over top of you. And that's not who I am. And I just was kind of tired of having people say and assume. And, you know, I've never been. into a pride parade before because I felt being there would make people question my relationship

with my husband or with myself and you know over the last year I've I'm not sure how familiar you are with Twitch but I've joined the Twitch space which is like an online gaming streaming world and I follow two streamers squid and

cheer girl their their communities are so inclusive and so kind and so caring that I suddenly felt more welcome specifically in their communities and when people would ask because it was just not assumed it was you know what are your pronouns you know prides coming up what you know how do you identify I was like no I'm bisexual and I think I said it once in a conversation I was like that felt good like I think I need to kind of tell people about this so that other people

understand that it's okay like obviously the beauty of marrying my high school sweetheart is that I found my love so early on, but that doesn't change the fact that I am a bisexual human being. And it's come with a lot of ups and really great conversations, but some pretty significant downs. Yeah. And again, I'm lucky that this is the first time I'm 32 and this is the first time I'm having to face any of those downs about who I am, because like I said, I've had the privilege of having that straight veil to kind of wear around. So, but I'm excited that my community is stronger today than it was three weeks ago when I came out because a lot of people kind of saw their way out the door, which was like hard, hard to watch from a number standpoint,

but also just now that I've kind of come out of that moment, just realizing how unsafe my platform was for a community that I am a part of. And that kind of hurt my heart. So yeah, it just it needed to be done because my platform's built on telling the truth and being authentic. And there are so many people out there that are like me. It's similar to my story of struggling with my body. I don't think any story is too small to be told. And I think that that's just an addition to my equation that people can relate to and feel comfortable having conversations with me and my brain on those things. And yeah. I love that. You have this gift of being able to explain things in such a digestible way where I'm like, yes, yes, yes.

And it doesn't change anything with your husband, right? Like your relationship is still going to be what it is. That's allowed. Your two things can coexist and that's what you're doing and you're doing it beautifully. And I love that you're talking about it. And I am like, I look at it as a business and I hate to see, you hate to see the numbers drop. But it is so much more about the community and the quality or the quantity that that will be like

the reason for a successful, you know, business and empire in your life will be the kind of people that you surround yourself with and that can be on the internet too and losing the ones who aren't there to support and lift you up and who don't see eye to eye with you, that's fine. But like, you don't need them being trolls to even other people in your community and going to bring other people down. And that turns into a really beautiful thing. It took me a few days to kind of digest that and really understand that there was more to it. But I was coming from, like I said, these two wholeheartedly these two Twitch communities that made me feel safe enough to have this conversation,

but my platform wasn't safe enough for them to come and be in. And, like, that was a hard pill to swallow to think that I think that I had cultivated this safety, but by leaving out this part of me, I had made my space unsafe for a lot of people. So, yeah, we're living in a much safer community now with the people who have, chosen to leave, but I've also been pretty proud of the conversations I've had in the background with people who don't necessarily agree with my sexuality. But because they've spent the last two years getting to know and respect me, have no choice but to kind of learn and adapt and grow. And again, at the end of the day, one person has changed their opinion about how they feel about others or

the community in general, then that's a win in my books. Absolutely. I totally agree. with that. And it is, like you said, it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes because I don't know if it's like my business mind or like I'm not usually a numbers kind of person. So I don't like I think it's a lot of time my ego that I have to be like put that aside. Like if I talk about gun laws, if I talk about anything like that, like I will I will just see it in the numbers and I have to remind myself like goodbye. I don't want you here anyways. And like you're going to just bring so much negativity to to my page anyways and yeah sometimes i know that sounds stupid to a lot of people but it's no it's just i mean being able to see it like yeah you know it's different than like you know coming out to

like a select few people and and having to navigate that but like being able to see it and then i'll be honest not knowing who they are and knowing that they can come back to my platform also bothers me a little bit that scares the shit out of me that bothers me a lot like i almost wish you it out kind of tell me that you don't want to be here so that I can block you and you can't come back. So I think about that in airports. If somebody comes up to me or they're nice and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so nice to me and I'm hugging them. I'm like, what if you were like somebody who really brought me down one day and now you get this from me? I have a really hard time with that all the time. I do. I have a hard time with that because I'm like, I'm all for like my platform

being a safe space for me because it's my platform and like first and foremost. So like when I, when I, I'm having crappy conversations and I do block people. I love having the ability to do that because then they can't come and consume my content and take it from what they want. So, yeah, so I think that that was just being able to see it on the grand scale of things and just be like, oh, I can't, I can't not allow you in my space. I'm happy you're choosing not to be here, but now I can't have that power, like to not allow you here.

On my own page. Yeah, I feel you on that one. I totally feel you on that one. Now this is your career and I friggin' love it. social media career. What did you do before you started creating this kind of content? So I worked for a company for almost seven years. I worked in a fitness facility for seven years. And then I lost that my club was being turned into something else. So I lost that job. And then I took like a year, just a little less than a year off. My sister was getting married.

And I was like, I'll just take this the summer to like get back to like my creative roots and just do things. that I love. And I mean, I lost my job. I called Scott. And I was like, I think I'm on an iPad. And he was like, a $900 iPad. You just lost your job and you want a $900 iPad. I was like, I'll make the money back. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I just want to be creative. I'll make the money back. He was like, sure, I'll meet you at Apple. Met me at Apple. We bought the iPad and the pencil. And then I started creating digitally. It's like to digital art. So I was doing portraits and pet portraits and little things like that. And suddenly I'd realize that there's this part. of me creatively that I had just suppressed for so long working the typical nine to five job and I was like, you know, I need to do more of this stuff. So that's when I downloaded TikTok and I was watching other people create and I was working part time as a bartender and it was like the funnest at like a local legion. It was the funnest gig I, you know, I ever had. And then I started posting on TikTok and things started to kind of grow up. pretty quickly. And at that time, I was looking for a full-time job. So I found a full-time job with

the least amount of responsibility because I was like, I want, I need a job, but I don't want anybody to talk to me after 4 o'clock. I don't want to get in. I want to do my job well and I want to leave. And then I was like six months into that faced with trying to decide on whether or not I wanted to do social media full-time or if I wanted to commit to this full-time. And my foot was, one foot was in social media one foot was in this job it wasn't fair to the job that I was working and like I just said if I'm not going to take a chance on myself then you know who do you take a chance on and decided to quit that job on Halloween which is my favorite day of the entire year so I like my videos of me quitting my job I'm dressed like a leopard and I I went home the night before I quit

I pretended that I had quit and I filmed me showing Scott the letter and like it's the sweetest kindness like I he comes in and I'm like I quit my job and he's like okay let's do this and then I started crying I was like I didn't quit it yet but I'm going to quit tomorrow I just wanted to see how you're going to react and we had talked about it but yeah so then the next day I gave my notice and they didn't even care to let me work out my time they they are all been following my platform too so it was oh my gosh it was like an exciting moment to kind of like walk away from but also like equally terrifying like you're betting on yourself like it's just you my mom sent me a text message and said congratulations your new boss is a bitch and my parents my parents own

business too so i knew like when she sent it to me and and i over the last like two years i really realized like i am i am a bitch like i have the work that i do but working for myself yeah is completely different than what i was doing working you know myself to the bone for others and like it's a very different type of dynamic of work in the things that i do so yeah it's it's it's it kind of just again everything kind of happens for a reason and i was meant to kind of be put in the places that i was put in and have the experiences that i've had and then that just kind of led me to the point of of creating on tic talk and yeah i love that it's nice to be. Everything's meant to be. And I wanted to ask you something because your content really started

to be about self-love and having a positive relationship with your body. But explain to me how you're not part of the body positivity community. I really want to be educated on that. I was kind of just jumbled in with the body positivity community when I first started creating. So if you look back at articles from like my first year of creating, it's, you know, body positive creator, Alicia, after doing research and really learning about the black community and just about body positivity in general, the movement of body positivity itself was created for and by fat black queer women. And it was meant to be this fight for rights and inclusion and equality. And it is now come to adapt and include people living in other marginalized bodies. And I think over the last little bit,

it's become super diluted and the messaging has become about this social except like this personal acceptance for our bodies when realistically there is much more to body positivity than I'll ever be able to add to it um you know so I chose this year or almost a year or a bit ago to kind of start having people remove my name from body positivity specifically because I think that I encompass do I think I'm an ally to the body positivity movement for sure. I think I still have to learn and be better at

actually amplifying some voices but my platform I'm not fighting for your rights every day I'm not the people that are grinding and putting in that effort there are a lot of incredible creators out there that are saucy West she's just brilliant

and her platform is built on unapologetically asking, demanding and looking for inclusion. And that's not me. And like, that's okay, because that's not what my platform's built on. But I was noticing how quickly I was becoming the face of that. And although I live in a marginalized fat body, I'm also a white woman that lives with with that privilege. And I just decided that I was going to kind of remove that. But also what I've kind of realized is that I believed so long that my, the things that I was going to, through in my fat body were only what fat people were going through. And what I've learned pretty

quickly over the last three years is that everybody is struggling with their body. Everybody is. And the things that I say and the experiences that I have, although mine come predominantly from living in a fat body, what I struggle with has had nothing to do with my size because I was 128 pounds and I have been bigger. What I struggled with was learning how to separate who I am from my body. So self-love to me encompasses everybody. I wanted to be a safe space for all people who are struggling with their bodies, too. And I think that the body positivity specifically is a space that should be inclusive to those living in the marginalized bodies and those that are putting in the work to fight and create that inclusion. Whereas for me and my platform, I'm fighting for you to like, include and be involved.

yourself and find the platform the way to kind of separate who you are so that's so good to know and i'm glad you shared that because i didn't know that and i think that's why i you know that that's good to know because i think i even said stuff about being body positive or in the but really i just i struggle so much and i have over the years because of i think growing up in a dance community and always comparing my body, I always felt like some sort of guilt for being in a smaller body and having, you know, the dysmorphia and problems that I have. And I just, I think it's so important for all sizes to know that you can struggle no matter where you're at your life with your body and where it's at. So yeah. And if anything, I'm body neutrality. Like, I don't, I think that your

body is at least an interesting thing about you. So why are we talking about it? Like, yes, that's kind of how I'm living. your body is the least consistent thing about who you are as you age and grow and your body changes and the things you go through. So why are we basing how we feel about ourselves on the least consistent thing about us? When we can be basing who we are and how we feel about ourselves on the things that should remain consistent, the type of friend you are, the type of person you are, your work ethic, your kindness, you know, those are the things you should be basing how you value yourself on, not your body. And that applies to every, human being because even the people, I mean, again, going back to Scott and I, if you looked at us

and you would assume that Scott would be the one that is more confident, but that's not the case all of the time. And that has nothing to do with our body. So that it has everything to do with us and what we've been through and how we value ourselves. So I think that that's why I wanted to take a move away from body positivity to just specifically be self-love because then I can be more inclusive on my end, but also not be the face of a movement that I'm not directly impacting every single day. That's, you're incredible. And that's such important work to just be knowledgeable about that, you know, like that's, that's part of having a platform is educating yourself on things like that. So that's amazing. And that's, I think my listeners will really benefit from this conversation

and then making it about self-love, right? And the five things that have impacted your journey with self-love. I just think this is incredible. I learned a lot from reading these. So let's just try and quickly go through them because I could talk to you for 10 hours. But the first one, separating exercise from weight loss. Tell me a little bit about that and how did you learn to do this? When I got into university and I stopped being competitive in sports, there was no real avenue for me to exercise. But I never really learned how to exercise outside of sport. So of course, when people talk about like your freshman 15, your freshman, you know, was it more like a freshman 50 for me because I was completely inactive at that point.

So suddenly I was gaining weight and people were like, oh, you just need to go to the gym and lose weight. You just need to go to the gym and lose weight. And in sense, that made sense, but I never really learned that like I could like any of the movements that I was doing when I was there because people were kind of shoving it down my throat that I needed to do weight loss things. But realistically, all I needed to do is find ways that I like moving my body and do them consistently, because that's what I had been doing my entire life. And it's taken me a very long time to get to this point. When I got to that point of realizing that I can enjoy the things that I was doing in the gym, it drastically altered my relationship with movement in general.

I wasn't doing things strictly for weight loss, or my success wasn't built on my body changing. My success was built on how consistent I was, how I felt after I had exercised or moved my body, and how long I did what I was choosing to do in that moment for. And then that has completely altered, I mean, the gym isn't made for weight loss. Like, that's not like, there are thousands of reasons to move your body, and weight loss is one of them. But for some reason, the majority of people focus solely on that one thing, rather than just focusing on finding something that brings them. joy and the rest falls into place like the rest will kind of follow through if you're consistent and you love what you're doing when it comes to movement your body will adapt and change as it sees fit it needs to yeah so true and we've talked about this but the second one is your love me journal

i just want to know now how often do you journal probably like three times a month i think like my actual journaling luckily for me now my platform is kind of like my journal i can kind of write my own thoughts and stuff. But that book itself was a saving grace for me after I had gone through it because all my toughest days I could go and find it and read through all of these really cool things about me. So it was less about the journaling and more about kind of keeping it to be able to keep myself grounded on days where I like let myself get away from all of the things that I had written in that journal. Yeah. That's awesome. And three, this one I really love changing your relationship with clothing. Can you give me an example of this and where can we start?

An example of this is, for me specifically, was instead of using clothing to hide my body, dressing and clothing that made me feel good. I use this quote all the time. It's kind of harsh. I am fat and you're fat regardless. For those who are struggling specifically with being overweight or plus size or whatever you want to call it, totally up to you. I prefer the term fat. for those who are struggling with being fat, you're fat regardless of whether or not you wear a baggy t-shirt or a fitted t-shirt. Like that exists and I posted about it in my story about dresses the other day, like your arms are still jiggly regardless of if you wear sleeves, you don't. The difference is I had cultivated this hidden, I was wearing baggy clothes, I had made myself feel ashamed of my body because I was hiding it, thinking that other people still didn't know. Like I was like this magic cloak that just like got rid of it yeah but all of it did was just make me not think about

it not necessarily others so when i decided to kind of take a step out and wear things that started bringing me joy i was wearing crop tops or trying you know my first crop top was a game changer for me because i thought it was going to be this like end-all be all moment that i was going to leave the house and crop top and people were going to be like and nobody did that and i was like oh okay in fact like people are like wow you look good yeah i like that shirt and And I was like, oh, well, that's because I'm dressing for myself rather than dressing for others. Yep. So, yeah, so that's pretty much the, and everybody has their own things, whether it's sleeves

on a cardigan or pants and not shorts and it doesn't matter what your body size is. You, everybody struggles with something. And it's just kind of taking those small steps to like remove yourself. I put it in the story the other day, just like, you know, wearing your cardigan and taking it for 15 minutes while you're out that's step one step two is is bringing it with you and not wearing it at the event step three is not bringing it with you at all and you know just taking these slow starts us because as you start to realize that nobody actually really cares and that the people that do are trash it makes a lot easier it makes a lot easier to do those things and like for me like i was just

tired of feeling you know not like myself and you know not taking up space and yeah when i started changing my clothing. I was able to walk into a room and have people be like, oh, who is she? Rather than, you know, hiding behind everybody else in those moments. Yeah, because clothes are such a way to express yourself. So it's like, it's got to feel good to wear what you want to wear and not feel like you have to hide anymore because it really is an expression of who you are. Okay, number four, detoxing your social media. What do you do to detox? I get rid of people who make me feel inadequate. And I mean, we're living. in a generation who has control over their social media.

I had this conversation with somebody the other day. Like when I was a kid, I didn't have control of the commercials that I saw on TV. I didn't have control. You know, I didn't have my own curated social media. The magazines that I read, you know, and we have that control. So it's silly that at the end of your day or at the beginning of your day, you're choosing to look and watch the lives of the people who are making you feel inadequate. And that's not to say that the people are attempting to do that or try.

to make you feel inadequate. However, if you're, if the last thing you see before you go to bed is something that makes you feel inadequate, you're not going to have a good date the next day. Like, it's just, it's at point, at the end of the day, you want to be surrounding yourself by people who make you feel good about getting up that day and doing your best. And that's so important. So, yeah, getting rid of anybody who makes you feel inadequate, whether or not it's malicious or not, it's right, you, and you, and you.

You might be, I mean, people who I had followed years ago because my headspace couldn't deal with what they were producing are people that I do follow now and have the headspace to be able to do it. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know, there are certain fitness influencers and people who I couldn't follow anymore after I did my bikini competition because seeing that brought me back into old fitness habits or eating habits that I didn't need to be a part of. But now that I'm in a healthier standpoint with myself, my body and all of those things, I'm able to follow those people and be a part of their success and cheer them on the way that I hope because what they, they weren't trying to make me feel bad. And I think that people forget that. It doesn't have

to be this malicious thing. And it could also be your aunt on Facebook. Like we can make it, we can be that clear about it is that it's not just people on social media that are, you know, these influencers that you're following. Like, we're also talking about people who you need to learn how to send boundaries with and communicate with better. and that starts with your family too and people who are vocal online and don't make you feel good and that can start close to home too.

Yeah, oh gosh, I think that's a big one. Like, I think people, you know, like the boundaries of your family, I think that's such a huge one that you've got to really think about and because I think a lot of people just would be like, well, I don't want to do that to them, but you have to put yourself first in those situations.

And that's really hard to do. Yeah, so hard. And then five, which I know they're all important. This one to me is the most important, personally, is changing your inner dialogue. And it's important to me because I have seen the biggest shift in myself from my inner dialogue over the years. I could cry because it's like such an important thing for me. And it seems so difficult at times, but with practice, it has gotten easier. So how would you explain or what would you say to someone who struggles with negative self-talk? How do they, how can they just start with getting out of that?

first realizing that like we're the meanest people in our lives like we are the meanest to ourselves always we always will be and that's just um whether that comes from us like a place of competitiveness if you're an athlete or you know um or if you grew up with you know parents who were who were more difficult on you so your inner dialogue although it's yours has been absolutely grown to be this because of all of the experiences and the things that you've gone through and and and the people in your lives so that being said it's your responsibility to kind of change that and and reshift that focus um but the exercise i always get to do with people when i'm talking to them is just your friend comes to you for advice how do you speak to them

what words do you use what way do you describe the way that you're speaking to them are you kind are you empathetic? Are you patient? What way do you describe the way you speak to them? And then now ship the focus back onto yourself. When you're speaking to yourself in a point of crisis, are you kind, empathetic, impatient? Or are you aggressive and mean and impatient and like drastic? Because that's who I was for so long. And I think that that's so important that we have to start talking to ourselves, like we would talk to the most important people in our lives because we forget that we are quite literally the most important person in our life. Like, we are the most important person in our life. And if we're not talking to ourselves

that way, then how can we expect to be productive? How can we expect to be a good partner? How can we expect to be a good parent? How can we expect to be any of those things if we're not our number one fan if we're not giving ourselves good advice, good patient, epithetic advice, and the advice that we would give to the people that we love the most. So I would just essentially, when I would be faced with something, I would take a step back. And instead of giving advice to myself, I would give advice to my little sister. So if I was struggling in an outfit, I would take a step back. And I would say what I would say to my little sister in this moment.

Like, don't be silly. You look wonderful. I'm sure you're feeling insecure right now. That's totally okay. But nobody's going to notice the things that you're noticing. Rather than take it off, find something new. You do look like trash. Like, that's literally the things, the way that our brain works.

So, yeah. So for me, it was my little sister. So I suggest finding the person who you give the best advice to. And when you're faced with moments where you feel like you need. advice or support that you take a step back and you choose to address yourself in those moments as if you're that person and quickly you'll start to see that shift of you won't always lead with being impatient. You'll learn how to take breaks before giving yourself advice and that's another person. Like sometimes I just need to not give myself advice in that moment. Like sometimes

I'm so frustrated that I need to just like go have a quick coffee and then come back to that moment and give myself advice, just like I might with a friend or a close family member, you know, sometimes I'm not able to give that piece of advice and, you know, you've just got to slow it down and really remember at the end of the day, like, if you don't have yourself, who do you have? And like, you can't, you can't be who you want to be and do the things you want to do unless you are your number one fan because sometimes you will be all you have in certain moments and if you can't rely on yourself then it's so true and it's so powerful like I just wish I could force everyone to speak kindly to themselves because it is the most powerful

thing in the world to me it's just I've just seen so much change myself from that now we had so many questions from vinos but I feel like we have answered all of them just by our conversation anyways so I just want to quickly tell you there's so many people that just adore you and respect the hell of you and just love you for who you are. And so I just want to say, I'm just going to shout out some of their names, Liz Beckel, Sarah Kester, Brittany Stan, Kristen Jade, Hannah Elizabeth, Taylor Bouch, Emily Kathleen McCall, they all just love you and all of their questions. I feel like we've kind of answered through this conversation, but I will ask you one that we haven't and then we'll get to your confession

and I'll let you go. Hannah Elizabeth, she said, I'm so excited and I'd love to know how she sees her brand growing in the next five to 10 years. No, this is, yeah, I mean, like this is a great question because obviously growth is super important to me. But I see it growing authentically. And I think that that's what's most important to me is that I don't want to put too much pressure. I also, God love my accountant. But we were having this conversation about like what we want to do. And like for Scott and I, this year is about travel. This year is about us getting out and seeing new things and meeting new people. So I don't see a ton of growth for necessarily my brand this year other than just me getting

to kind of go out and exist in my body and live my life and do things that I probably normally wouldn't have done. But long term charity is something that's super important to me. I would love to have my own form of giving back to all different types of people. So whatever that looks like in the future, I'd like to have my own love me journal to be able to stop with my own props and things like that. But those are kind of the two most important things for me is definitely like that charity side of things and have something solidified early on. And then that love me journal. But I just want to make sure that it's done right and that it's that I have the time and I'm in the right headspace to create something that I know is going to like add value.

to people's lives so absolutely absolutely i love that um okay and last but not least confess to us i was going through things that i haven't because i shared a lot on my platform yeah like yeah i shared a lot but i will confess to i don't know if my mother-in-law knows this but i don't know she'll listen to this but we'll we'll go with it uh when we when i moved out of my parents house i moved into Scott's house and I was living in his parents' basement with him. We were like 19, 20 years old. And I went downtown one night and got far too intoxicated. And the next morning I woke up. I was butt naked in bed. And beside me, my sweet husband left me a bottle of water, two Tylenol, two hypofen. I took them. I get on my

phone. I text him and I'm like, thanks so much for the water and the tile and all the ibuprofen. And he's like, you're so welcome. Uh, do you remember anything from last night? And I'm like, no, I don't. I don't remember anything last night. He's like, go over to the computer. So I like, get up and I walk over to the computer and it's like car, like his bedroom was carpeted. Yeah. And I walk into what feels like sweat. Like, sweat. Oh, no. Oh, no. And it's, like, covered in, uh, when you put it in the computer, you put it in your fridge to like help with this, like the, like baking soda. Yes. Yes. It's covered in baking soda. And I'm like, the floor is wet. He was like, yeah, do you know why? And I'm like,

I don't. And he was like, you peed there last night. I don't know. And I go, I did what? He was like, not only did you pee there. He said, you put your leg up. on the computer chair, one leg up on the computer chair and peeed directly on my floor. And he was like, and I woke up to the sound of like trickling water wondering what was happening. And he was like, and I screamed at you. And he was like, and then I felt bad because you were like, coward. Like, he didn't know what was happening. And then he was like, you ran directly back into bed. Like, you jumped back into bed. And he was like, and when I confronted you about it, you were like, it's fine. We're at the dome, which is like a local.

Halifax. It's like our dive, our dive bar. It's like you go to the dirty dome. No. Anyways. So that is, that carpet no longer lives in the basement,

obviously. But yeah. And then after that, after that moment, my husband most definitely had post-traumatic symptoms anytime we would be in bed and he would hear like me pouring a glass of water

or me like any sound he would just like jump up to make sure I wasn't you know peeing the carpet yeah I on the carpet I sadly can say I've been there I've done the exact same thing with with an X and same thing like he's like yeah you see all the towels on the floor it's because you peed on right on the carpet I did it I did it too oh we are funny human beings I don't feel embarrassed during that story anymore because I learned pretty quickly with my platform that if I I've done it. Someone else somewhere has done it. So, bless my husband's heart for just, like, leaving that bottle of water and my two towel on my teeth. He's like, you're going to be rough in the morning. You might as well drink this.

What an angel. My gosh. I feel like, if I did that, Jason would like, like, I would have to, like, cry over my own pee and, like, get my own water in the morning. Like, shame. Shame on you. I don't think I could get away with it now, but I didn't get away with it then. Well, fair enough. That's amazing. Oh, well, props to your husband. He sounds just so wonderful. You both are so lovely. Thank you so much for chatting today and sharing everything that you have to share because I think it really is so important. And so many of my listeners are going to just feel motivated. Like, they're going to feel like they want to go out and be their best selves. And that's because of you. So thank you for using your voice. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. You're making me a much cooler human to all of my close friends. Well, tell all your friends. It's because Canadians. It's, you just tell them all I love them. I will tell them.

Thank you so much. I'll talk to you soon. You're so lovely. All right, everybody. Your homework from this episode is to practice the five tips that she has for us to find self-love. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine, Grape Therapy.

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