Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Hannah Brown: My Life is a Reality TV Show

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Hannah Brown is now a Nashville girly like KB, and the former Bachelorette, author, and Dancing with the Stars AND Special Forces winner is sitting down in Kaitlyn’s studio to talk about all things mental health and beyond. Hannah has gone through a heavy dose of trauma and life experiences, including surviving cancer at a young age, something that Kaitlyn only recently discovered about her friend. She explains the different parts of herself that she’s gotten to know recently and why she is so proud of herself for her mental strength and fortitude. Now, she’s starting a podcast, and the mantra “do it scared” is something she can definitely relate to in this new journey. The two talk about her past and potential future with reality TV, how she feels about the Bachelor franchise now, and what everyone can expect from her brand-new podcast, Better Tomorrow! Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: THRIVE CAUSEMETICS - Right now, you can get an exclusive 20% off your first order when you visit thrivecausemetics.com/VINE.  Angi: Your home for everything home.  Quince: Right now, go to Quince.com/vine to get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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like realizing it's 5 o'clock and he wants to eat, then we'll have to pause, but... Does he know that they know their time? 90% of the time, ramen, it'll be 4.59 and he'll get up and look at me.

And then it's like weird. Like the clock will go 5 o'clock and he goes, like, ramen's brilliant. Pino, not so much. See, Waldie will eat. Like, he like this... He is very...

very, uh, he decides when he's going to do things. Even though I know he wants to jump on the bed, he'll be like, come, jump on the bed. Oh, and he's like, because you told me too. I'm not going to. He'll wait until I've like, stop looking at him and gets up. Same thing with food. Come on. Well, well, like our water. It's like you're obviously thirsty. That's going to wait. I feel like that's, wait, is he a Labradoodle? No. Australian Labradoodle. But, yeah, the doodle. The oodle in it really, um, they're such shits. They are. very particular and very like I'll do it what I want it I mean I grew up with golden yeah so I am partial to goldens are just superior and the best they are I know you

know that because you've had one yeah they are the best yeah but I couldn't deal with the hair and Wally I just love I'm literally obsessed with him because he has his own personality and it's not sweet always sweet like a gold yeah yeah it's a little feisty a little sass in there love it yeah you're like did you come from me yes yeah i get that ramen has a bit of sass in him he's like ramen is just very particular and sassy but also so sweet and very in tune with all of my emotions so knows when you need just like love and by the way we're recording we're just going oh okay um but yeah he knows he knows when i need love he knows when i need um space he knows when i'm like having anxiety he's so it's crazy and i feel like he takes on all the feelings where this guy's

like i'm a potato i did the doggy yeah this is robin's like 80th life and this is his first life that's what i think okay yeah that makes sense um wali uh he he he is the cool even my parents who have goldens are like obsessed with wali i mean wally's very cute he's very cute but uh he just he's gotten so much better now that he's a year and a half too he's just way calmer and now he's just the star of the show everywhere we go yeah i bet i'm like i really want to find an agent for him oh like a doggy model yes like i think he could really do it because he can sit and pose on command pretty well when he decides he's up for it is there what if there's a treat involved he doesn't care about a treat there's a ball involved okay that's

Pino, too. Okay, so ball motivated. So if you just, like, on set, he could just have a, like, you know, we'll hold it here. The squeak. Yeah. Really? Oh, and then the side profile? Oh, yeah. I'm obsessed. Shake, if you did it one way, if you

held it right, left, he would probably do his head. Like, he is, we think he's just very special. I see where you're going. Sometimes we feel that way about Pino. And that's okay. It's okay. Yeah. We just think he's very special.

and he does not care about other dogs if there's a ball yeah do you take him to dog parks yes okay but he does not he'll like sniff other dogs say hello they'll want to play with him and he just like it's like I'd rather not yeah but he's not mean back he'll let like a dog will just like be humping him and he is just still watching the ball you know he'll like get off me but like he doesn't get mad he's like I don't care I just try to find the ball I need to be a ballie how if I not met him I know we have to have them no they got to meet yeah they got to meet We had a puppy play date. I remember when I went to L.A. with Rahman, we got Becca Kufrin's dog together,

Becca Tilly's dog, and my dog, and we took him to the dog park, and they were best friends. They really were? Even the tiny one? Yes. Even the tiny one. Yeah. What's her name? Phoebe. I mean, that dog is...

Three pounds. Like, so tiny. And played with them like, she was a big dog. We went to, what is Percy Warner? Yeah. And there was a hawk that was just, like, watching the dog. And, of course, like, Wally's. big like 50 pounds yeah they take small ones but i think of little there's like little three pound

dogs and i'm like yeah i would take that to a dog park oh my gosh because there was a huge hawk that was definitely like staring a little too long at wally i felt very uncomfortable yeah you're like would you fight a hawk for for wally honestly i know my response would be to just like i would probably be a little frozen i think i would freeze yeah right you're had a beast you can do anything You can fight a hawk if you want to. No, things like that, especially if Adam was there, I'd be like, what do you do it? We actually had, we went to the movies Sunday about this guy who like works and went

under, what is it called? Undercover. What is it? Undercover. And was able to save like so many children. Wow. Very heavy. And then as we're on the way home, we watched this car accident happen.

No. And for me, I just started screaming. I screamed, but I immediately started calling 911, and I was like, get out there, Adam. Yeah, yeah. But I couldn't move, but I'm like, you got to get out there. So you freeze. Initially. And then, I don't know, I've gone back and forth because then I have like other instances. No, like I definitely like have fought, fought through it. But there is this part of me that does kind of have that moment of like paul. of what it's happening. Yeah. And then I have to be like, charge. Oh, so you freeze for just a minute and then you throw yourself into action.

And then I'm like, let's go. Oh my gosh. Okay, that's, I'm so sorry you had to see that. I've seen a car accident before and it haunts my dreams. It was horrible. I also lost a best friend in a car accident and like, oh my God, it just gives me full body like sick feeling. Yeah. We've been like trying to find if it was horrible.

I think everybody was okay. Okay. but it was really traumatizing to see and then we couldn't get the car open and oh my oh you were really in there in it no like really in it yeah it was a lot oh that was Sunday my gosh yeah so uh yeah then the first time to like see one like that it's really hard even if you're not i've been in a car accident that but that watching it like a bad one not horrible you've gone through some shit Hannah I know. I was talking to my therapist about that today. I'm like, I feel like my brain is like one of those pinball machines. Yeah. And they're just, I'm trying to keep everything like in there. And because if something falls through bad day. I just had the sound in my head of, you know, on Price is right when you lose. That's one. Yeah. We don't want that. We don't want that happen. So we're just trying to juggle all the trauma in there. But we have help.

Okay. I mean, most important thing, you have help. I know I was doing this prep doc for you. And first of all, usually when people come in here, it's just like such a hot mess and I always think of you because I'm like, have your book. Oh, yeah. And then it's like, God bless this hot mess. And then I was like, see? God bless this mess. I have it right here, everybody. It was so cool. Our neighbor, we met him a few times. He's a musician. And he was, I haven't told him what I. He doesn't. He doesn't. didn't know anything he thought it was just adam's girlfriend like they've hung out yeah he was like it's so weird i saw i was in the airport like just walking around and i see this book like eye level i'm like man that girl looks familiar and he was like i didn't remember your name like he had just madame and he was like oh my god that's my neighbor and he's like you wrote a book i'm like awesome i'm glad it's still like on high level in the book yeah we love that yeah i've seen at the airport the airport

Yeah, that's really exciting. So while I was doing that, like, I know you, obviously, and we're friends and we go to dinner and we talk, but I learned even more about you doing this research for this podcast because I didn't know you survived cancer. Like what? I mean, yeah, I mean, I had a really like crazy scare when I was little. Yeah, I got really sick, really fast. Yeah. Where I still think it's like a weird medical mystery of like what, what? what caused them to find it because I got my period like really early but just like one time

and I was having like really bad stomach cramps with that but then I also was having just like really bad uh stomach issues yeah to the point like couldn't go to school doubled over in pain couldn't go to the bathroom like serious and that's I went to like a gastrologist they were like you definitely have, or talking about IBSA. You definitely like have something going on there. I don't know if this is what's causing it. And it was just, I was just declining in health.

Like if you look at pictures of me at that time, like no color in my face. My mom's like, there's something else wrong. And then my primary care doctor was like, we need to like do a full, I guess like MRI. Yeah. Yeah, I had a encased malignant tumor.

So I hate to say it because there's people that have really gone through the battle of cancer. And I was very fortunate that my doctor was able to get out my in-case tumor fully. If it would have, you know, burst or something was left, it would have, it would have been, it could have been a lot worse. But yeah, it was very quick, like found out I had it two weeks later having the surgery. Wow. Really didn't go to school much of my fifth grade. year but yeah like my parents it was it was on my pancreas are attached to it which is like one of the worst types of cancers you can have i mean that's so much to go through at 11 years old and

i'm starting to learn more and more the more therapy i do about how much trauma gets trapped in your body from younger ages and like even physical pain or certain aches or sick feelings like it's trauma that's trapped in there and if bad things happen to you at young ages and you've gone through so much yeah what do you do besides therapy? you do like you lift weights does that help you yeah i mean i also had a stint where like my body literally shut down like could not walk um upstairs like had my neighbor like we had to go to the emergency dream together because i'm like i can't walk up these stairs this was like 20 21 i think or like end of 2020 yeah maybe end of recently i did not know you had something that recent

was before or after special forces this is before special forces and that's before special forces and that's my special, me doing special forces was such a big deal. Yeah. More just for me to mentally, like, overcome, feeling like my body can't do anything. I didn't work out for, like, a full year. Wow. All I did was, like, physical therapy. My body was so inflamed, gained more weight, couldn't figure out how to, like, balance my body.

It felt so out of my body in that, like, had no control in any way to, and when I say control, like control to like make myself feel better. Like I was trying all the things and I'm like. Did you ever find out what it was? I genuinely, yes, there was a lot of other things going on that can have diagnosis. I mean, I was told I had fibromyalgia. I was told I needed to get a nose job because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. So if you don't get enough oxygen to your brain, then it can make all these things happen.

I was told, I mean like so many things. I have mass cell activation syndrome, like high histamine levels that can cause all this. And I'm sure Right, all of that could be true a little bit here. But I also think trauma can make you and not dealing with things can really, your body can just be like, oh, we're done. We need to stop. Pump the brakes.

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Wait. No, I went through. like serious like physical therapy multiple times a week uh slowly got back into working out acupuncture like every week and like rakey did all the weird stuff yeah and actually helped a lot um what else did i do obviously therapy yeah uh worked with dr amen that's when i really feel like I started getting more help because is that a therapist or what he is a psychiatrist yeah but does everything kind of he has like so many like you work with the sleep doctor you work with um a what is it called when you're like more like holistic yeah doctor but that's not the name of what

they are i know what you mean yeah so like really like functional medicine yeah yes and so she has helped me like help me figure out my digestion and what's going to on because I was literally bloated all the time always inflamed like these are the only pants that fit me yeah yeah yeah I just it was a struggle so started kind of getting everything on better under control and having more tools to know what help what's helpful what's not going to the OBGYN and being like oh my hormones are way out of it lacked figuring that out so it was a lot of being in the doctor going, getting so many tests done.

Which is stressful in itself, just doing all that. Yes, I remember just being like, I feel like all I do is try to ask, like, all I'm doing is like, help me and go into another doctor's appointment and still just being like, help me, I don't know. Not feeling stressed out, going to the doctor, having all these internal issues, and it's not just one thing, it's a bunch of different things, not seeing any progress and feeling defeated can also do shit to your body yes or um i think it's when so many people are saying it's so many different things it's like well how do i treat all this right and saying oh it's going to take

a while for it to get better yeah i need something now so how so you just kept going to all these different things and places and slowly but surely figuring it out yeah and yeah it's still a journey I'm not quite there. When I got the call for Special Forces, I just started getting back to, like, doing any type of real physical exercise. So that must have been pretty scary jumping into something like that. Because that's mentally physically, like.

And I just got into a place. I remember when I got that call, I was like about to go up my stairs to my apartment. There's like this little small parking garage. I just kept walking around and being, I'm like, I finally feel like I'm getting help for my mental stuff and, like, I'm in a good place. I really, and physically just now doing stuff, this could go either two ways for me. This could be really helpful or really, really harmful.

For what, and I've never seen the show before. Yeah. Just what I'm hearing. And then I saw, like, a few clips of the one that the original show that's in the UK. I'm like, this could maybe like make me go into like a tailspin bad. Right. That's a risky little game you played there. High risk, high reward, I like to say.

Yes, but I had multiple talks back and forth about mental health with that show of like, what can I expect? To feel protected too. Yeah. That's good. And talk to my psychiatrist a lot about why am I doing this show. And most of my life has been in some form competition and that this show is not a competition with anybody else. is for yourself. And one of the things I had to learn was how to advocate for myself.

And when was too much? And that was really like my mindset of if this is too much or I think I'm going to be in any type of real, real danger, you have to be able to say, pull out. Do you think you were able to? I do. I think I was one of the most like mentally, I was so proud of myself. That was you should be. But not because I went like mentally strong.

Yeah. In a way that I never had been before. Yeah. But I think I did more than probably most people because we didn't. Nobody knew what to expect. I focused so much on my mental health and like doing different types of meditation and hypnosis and okay, what is it going to be like to be in pain? How am I going to deal with being in physical pain? where do I go in those places and when do I say this is enough and so that was mine and

Dr. Amon's goal of like this is not any type of competition not even with yourself it's a way to kind of tap into all the work that I've done to be able to say when I can handle more and I know that I can keep going and when is the time to say this is this has been enough but For me, I really did the whole time feel like I could keep going. That's so... There were times I hated it, and I thought, if this lasts much longer, I don't know. Yeah. But it always seemed like when I was hitting one of those points, something would break it up or happen to I'm like, okay, I can keep going.

Well, because, like, I was, I think I asked you this at dinner, but I want to ask you here, what was more mentally challenging? Doing special forces or the Bachelorette? Oh, Bachelorette. One thousand or six, because it's the repercussions after. like I'm still dealing with things from that part of my life because first of all is so innocent so so innocent didn't understand the magnitude of the show to understand like the ramifications of that in my life and it wasn't just first of all you're doing it for like three months I think total and then obviously it's last at this line I'm able to do

what I'm doing same for you like it It can help be helpful in a lot of ways, but there's a lot of ways that in your life it takes a while to heal from where special forces for me is 10 days. You can do anything for 10 days. That's so true. For me, I could do it for 10 days. I mean, I don't know if I could do what you did for 10 days, to be honest with you. I don't know.

And I think I'm mentally really strong and physically. I'm okay. I think it just depends on what you need from that show also. I think some people doing their best on the show is actually not finishing the show because that's not what it's really about. Yeah, it's just so different from anything. You know, like there's dancing with,

there's pageant world, there's bachelor world, there's bachelorette, there's dancing with the stars, there's special forces, like each one has done such different things to you and brought different things into your life from it. Yeah. Which is like knowing all what you know now and being where you're at,

do you wish like the world knowing everything would do you wish you could go back and be that little innocent hannah or are you just like no this is where i'm supposed to be uh some i i i would all those like shoulda kudas are so hard for me because i'm like yeah i do think there are some things i wish i could still be that girl i think but i do think i'm coming back to her and that's been happening you know why because you're doing a lot of work for yeah yeah i'm i'm now i'm I loved that part of me that was so okay was just like being herself. But like the reason I got there was like a show was the first time people were actually asking me how I felt about something. So I, it wasn't a safe place for that type of growth to happen.

So I love seeing that side of me when I watch some of the stuff because I'm like, oh, you're freaking funny. You're just being yourself and don't, you really don't care. Yeah. And I love that because that's who I always was. like it was the show that brought that out in me so I'll always be thankful for it but was that the safest place to be like here I am world or with people who are trying to make a hit TV show and they did make a hit TV show with me um our season but what that kind of did to how I trust fear how a view myself how I'm maybe scared of showing up as myself now for other people

I think I've really, like, sheltered myself for a while. Yeah. And now I'm slowly starting to feel like, oh, like, at this point, the people that are still here that care about me or are interested in me, they've chosen to. It's not just like I'm, like, in your face being pushed. Yes. Because, you know, at that time, it's like, you're everywhere, and there's some people like, will she go away?

Yes. That is one of the, like, greatest things about being removed from the show after a few years. years is you've kind of like you've kind of somehow brought together this community of people who want to be there yeah and that's you'll get that with podcasting you'll get people aren't going to tune into you for an hour if they don't want to support you yeah and if they do that's awesome so it's like it's like I'm worried about you and your obsession with me yeah yeah but that's I mean you when I was writing this I'm just like wow you really Kate Roman you're ruining the podcast um you've just okay i'm having my weird withdraws right now i'm like oh my god are you okay i just

have to like take a breath place that's it's also cold in here no it's really not that's the thing it's a little chilly it is a little chilly if you want me to it doesn't feel cold it just feels like i'm you're having internal park or i don't know no you definitely don't it would be in your hands first really yeah i started to look that up because i'm like it feels no it's exactly what you told me. Okay. That's, it's exactly, I'm diagnosing myself with something else. Do you do that? Do you, do you, are you hypochondriac? Not a hypochondriac, but I'm like, but you diagnose yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, what I really need to get better about, and I, when I say I'm crazy, like, I do say of it in like a, I think crazy is kind of endearing and like fun, like crazy fun.

I love crazy. So when I say I'm crazy, I'm like, I was a crazy person today. There's part of that, that is entertaining. Right. But I do need to be better about being like, oh my gosh, all these things are happening. Like, I'm just, I'm losing it. I'm losing my marvels, which sometimes I am. I feel that way every day. Like, each day for me is so exciting because I'm like, am I going to lose my shit today? Am I going to cry?

Am I going to laugh? Am I going to just be chill? Like, who freaking knows? Same. Yeah. I wake up and I'm like, which part are we today? Yeah. I'm learning about parts in my things.

Therapy. Have you done that yet? No, tell me more. I'm shocked. I have it. What parts are there? Is it called like inner family systems or something? Okay. Yes, I've done something like this. Name the parts. How many are there? Well, it depends on how many parts do you have? Like, there's parts of yourself. Like, maybe the part of me, like, the part that I'm allowing myself to access right now because there's some parts that are scarier than others, you know, is the part that's like, Hannah, why aren't you doing this? Why have you tried to do that? Okay, you need to get up right now. Why are you still in bed? Come on, get it together. That part. And that part of me serves as a purpose for, like... It's your drive.

It's your motivation. Yeah, and it serves another, like, maybe the little girl in me that was always nervous and didn't know if she had support or something that this part of me came in to serve her to make sure she was good and had everything together. So that part serves you at a certain time in your life, but is that part serving me now? Maybe not. I love that because there are times where I'll put an age onto what I'm thinking. So as like parts, I'll be like, oh, that's actually 16-year-old Caitlin talking and feeling this way.

And she needs 38-year-old Caitlin to like acknowledge her and do that. So yeah, I understand. And so for me, like that first part that I, because I've just started this first of all, so I don't know. much. It's like EMDR and then this, I think it's inner family systems. I don't know. It might be saying it wrong. You find where that like what the part is serving. So it's not like I'm not, it's not my six year old self. It's this part of my brain of who I am now that is like treating and trying to take care and make sure that six year old was okay. Yeah. But I'm not six anymore. Right. So instead it's just making me feel sad and crazy.

It's not always the fun way. We're like I wish more people could dive that deep into parts and like access their, you know, inner child and understand all these because we are all a little crazy. We are all a little depressed. We are all a little happy. Our brains are not meant to make us happy they're made for us to be comfortable and survive and we keep striving for happiness when that's something that like you can feel every once in a while you don't have to feel it all the time and i don't do well with extreme optimistic people at the same way really he's done really well of us being able to have these conversations and where we are in our relationship now versus before i think not that he was like infatuated but he just loved who i was and saw like how he like

saw all the best parts of me, which is awesome and he still does. But sometimes like, no, like I was a jerk. I just was mean. Yeah. And now he has no problem. Oh, so he's been able to kind of step into that. But we will have times where I'm like, maybe if it's talking about his family or some things that he's always stayed really optimistic about. Like for me, I can call it my family. But we also had very big, like obvious things. that weren't working where for his family like they seemingly and are the sweetest and like get along but you can't tell me that your parents didn't mess you up in some way totally and so I will get upset with him and that way I'm like you can't say there was there's not one thing you would

change about your parents marriage yeah at first you'd be like no I thought they were perfect I'm like come on you got some deep stuff it's actually darker than I think it is if that's your answer Yeah. I was like, oh, when you get to your therapist, she's going to have a field day with you if you tell her that. Yes. So, but now he can, he can like take that and we can, we work through it together. We have really great communication, I will say. That's like probably our best. Like, we rock at that. That's amazing. Okay, in case you missed it, I got a newsflash. Summer's here. And am I right to guess your wardrobe needs. a little refresh. Instead of a fast fashion hall, spend your money wisely on high quality essentials that will last beyond the season. And that's exactly why I shop at Quince. So Quince offers a range of must-have items and all of their prices are 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And because

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about it. That's me too. No, but I'm like, and he's like, well, you know, that's why people love you. You're just an open book. It really is. There's not a lot of people I find that are so willing to be such open books. And that's okay too, of course, if that's really truly who you are and it makes you happier to be a little bit more private. But for someone like you, you're helping so many people by being an open book because even I'm an open book and even just hearing you talk about certain things makes me feel better. And I know you. I feel like you do that too as well. But, yeah, I feel like it's better to be that way and give those moments to make people feel like they're accepted the way they are because this girl just went a little too far. Yeah. I can give something.

And I'm like, but I'm bum, your turn. Oh, I know. I'm like doing a whole tap dance on a table and then be like, now you. But when they don't, I don't take that as a maybe so. back I add more you're like don't worry I got more to cover you got nothing I got everything let's go I'm so happy for you oh it's like that's a freaking that feels passive like when people say oh bless your heart I'm like I thought I used to think that was like the nicest thing ever I didn't know that I do say actually if I ever say that to you you mean it I mean it nicely but I don't know

many other people that do that so I have to always clarify that that when And I'm like, you tell me something really sad and I don't know what to say. I might just like, and I feel for you, I will say like, oh my gosh, bless your heart. That must be so hard. And I'm not saying it sarcastically. I can tell. Yeah. Like I genuinely mean like, bless your sweet soul.

You are going through it. But I always say bless. Oh, bless. Yeah. Yeah. But that's, I was in the, I was getting a facial. If by the way, if you ever need a facial, go to Carrie Hayes. It's the best place.

Yes. I have to find all the people. I will tell you everything. I'll give you even my therapist if you want it. It sounds like you got a good therapist here. I might need yours. Mine's in freaking L.A. from my Hoffman, so I have to do Zooms all the time. I was talking to a girl that just last night when I went a little too far. She's like, Hawtham will be great. Oh my God, you have to go. I can't wait. I looked up at this morning. You have to go. I think that would be really good for that because I've done a lot of the work. Yes. And now it's like the scary closet needs to all come open and all the things have to fall out. Hoffman is a closet full of your shadows that you just let spill out and you beat the shit out of them and you accept them and you forgive them and you love them and you burn them and you like everything. I'm so she she had just got back.

She got back Sunday and it was yesterday. And it was really healing for her. She's in Nashville. Oh, you should connect us. Oh, well. Yeah. She just got back. Yeah.

So we can talk about your experiences. but when I was hearing her talk about me, and she also was like, you definitely should go. But I also was like, that sounds like something that's like right up my alley. Yeah. Because I'm okay with being uncomfortable. Yeah, same.

I saw it for some people be very shocking and really almost traumatic, but by the end, extremely healing. Yes. And for me, I was just like, I completely surrendered to it from the minute I walked in there. And it was like, there was a split second

where I was like, I think that girl knows who I am. And I tried to hold back. And I was like, no, no, no. We're all in here together. She's, you know, doing her same thing. And it's, you just build this bond with people to like no other. Yeah. I could really see you getting a lot out of that experience.

That's this girl that went. She talked about, I asked her because she is more public and was more an athlete. And, you know, what is it like if you're in a group and people know you? And there are people that are there that happens. But. Oh, there's some big time. people in my group yeah but i mean you're all also there for the same reason everyone and ever like you almost look stupid if you're not throwing yourself into it because everyone else is and that's what

you're there for you're paying good money you're going for a good amount of time like if you don't put everything into it that's on you and then those are you know that's something to look into because why were you trying to be someone you're not in there why were you ashamed of those feelings like it's just so deep uh i mean i know you don't talk about what happened there but but I do know the whole, like, negative, like, when you have to tell somebody how they upset you. The transfer. Yeah, the transference. I'm so scared. I'm like, for me, there's going to be, in my head, I'm like, oh, there's going to be, like, 10 people in my line. I had people in my line. And it kind of, I kind of was sad that there wasn't more. I was like, wait, come.

Why am I not bothering anybody? I thought I was, like, annoying. I don't know. But people came, this one guy came out to me, and he really was, upset and he was like I just have to tell you I thought this this and this about you and he goes but it's because you look exactly like my ex-girlfriend and I was like oh okay I was like that's cute that's cute yeah but yeah it's it's really intense it's really deep but it's it's for people like you and I who are open books comfortable being uncomfortable and want to work on themselves because I keep thinking like holy shit how am I already 38 I want to know myself so well all of the like all the incredible things about myself I want to like dig into the things I hate about myself and learn to love them and I want to know exactly why I am the way I am and where I'm going

and what I want and I want to just like you know myself to my core same yeah I just had therapy this is all I talk about I feel like that's why you're starting a podcast to make yeah but that's what my therapist and I talked about today of like I I I think the scariest thing to me is being complacent with the way that things are. Yeah. And I never want to do that because I'm scared of something or what I might hurt to process. I think that's worse. So I would rather just go all in, know it might be scary, do it anyway.

That's kind of how I live my life. And that's when all the best things happen. I mean, you are living proof of all of that, you know, like, yeah, you go put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, something that you're afraid of doing or putting yourself out there and being like completely yourself for everyone to judge and see where it takes you and it always takes you to the next level. It always cracks open inside, something inside of you that makes you either realize like, wow, I'm so strong or this is what I need to work on or here's what I can't achieve. What can't I achieve? And I was actually going to ask you to

and we were talking about this when you saw this car accident and you froze and you screamed and like I was kind of shocked because I was like I just picture you getting out there and like pulling out CPR on somebody and just being like I need this I need this do you like when opportunities present

themselves in front of you or when you're going to start this podcast or when you're going to do whatever that it is next you're going to do when you did special forces do you get scared I am so scared okay so my mentality is always do it scared is that you Is that how you live your life?

I do it scared. Okay. I'll be like crying. Mm-hmm. But I'm still just like trying to take one step in front of the other. Yeah. When I, like I said, like when the, when I'm at, no, I'm in a bad place is if I can't take that step. Yeah.

And that's when I'm more concerned. I'm not concerned if I'm like scared and like moving forward. But when it like paralyzes me, that is like the worst to me. Yeah. And I've had moments like that. too like that maybe aren't you know aren't as talked about as much but and also had seasons honestly with this podcast like coming out has been so hard the days after it was announced and I haven't started yet the in-between of anything is when I'm my worst yeah yes same because that you have no

control yeah and it's like kind of done but not really and you're like do I need to go back and do something else? Yes. Do I even, yeah. That's how I've been feeling with the podcast and I feel so much pressure. Because this is like the new thing that I've done and I have been successful in some of these other areas, but not something like a podcast. And I think I just, I'm like, what if it does fail?

Because failure happens. I've had failure. But seemingly the things that I have done have done well. And it's like, I think. You're waiting for that one thing to drop. And what's it going to be? I do that too. And I do that.

But that's not like, I'm like, snap out of it, Hannah. Well, no. That's, but that's so allowed. That's so valid for you to feel fear about something failing because you're like at some point, something's not going to work. It's going to happen. I do the same thing all the time. But I mean, I almost got this tattooed on me.

One of my girlfriends always said like the best two words that she says to herself, even if it's a big deal, little deal. So what? And I try and say that. Okay, so what? Like people, it's not like the world is going to like three months later go, oh, remember that time. Like.

But I think that. I, so do I. I'm like, oh, I'm going to meet that person and they're thinking of that bad thing I did or that failure every time. And it's like, no, they never are. You need to read, people are probably so sick of me saying this book, but you need to read the mountain that is you. Or did you tell me to get that?

No. Oh. I'll read it. Okay. Do I always, I love to read fiction and I love to listen to audio. books or self-help books the mountain that is you it's really good audio oh it's everything okay it's everything and it talks about how nobody cares as much as you think they do you're the person they're probably caring more about what they failed at and what they're doing

and it's this whole system that we've got projection if it is always always always and and let me remind you that your podcast is not going to fail it's not going to fail like if it's something that you love doing and you're talking about things that are going to really help you help other people and you enjoy doing it that's not a fail no matter how many downloads or not yeah you know what i mean like that so what would you consider a fail like maybe not even the podcast whatever you're thinking like what would you consider a fail uh so with the podcast i talk about this on my first episode why I'm scared of failure why with this is there's no

what I think is unique about a podcast is there's no filtering of I can't I'll never start the podcast if I show up when I feel like okay I know how to do this you have to learn the only way to learn and to become a better podcaster is to interview people

and to podcast so what am I going to do like go under some like alias and start a podcast, nobody will actually listen to so I can feel comfortable to show up because I'm scared of what the masses. People want the mess from you. Yeah, but I also has troubles finishing one sentence and going on to the next and that's sometimes difficult to listen to. Hi, I have trouble not repeating myself every single week and people call me out for it all the time because if I've been podcasting for six years and so I repeat stories or I do the same like

I have same little quirks that I do all the time and it's just it is what it is that's and you're also for people that do that it's like okay well not every podcast is just for you right some people have started your podcast for the first time and want to hear those stories right it's true that's yeah you're always you're that's a good point it's bringing somebody else in that maybe needs to hear that story right then yeah sorry I feel like I interrupted you you're saying on your first episode you talked about what was it? I just talk about my fear of doing this because it's the only way I could really like start it and I didn't want to pretend like I was coming in and feeling like super confident because I'm not. I do not feel super confident in being a podcaster just

yet. And that's okay. Totally because you've never done it. Because I've never done it before. But that is hard for me. Yeah. That people tell me that all the time are like the so what thing to I hate that. Even though I know it's good, I hate when people will say, so what? I'm like, so what? What do you mean? Me too. That's why I keep trying to drill it in because I'm like, just so what? And they'll like go through. So what's the worst thing that could happen? I'm like, I don't want to do this. I know. You're like, I can tell you exactly what the worst case scenario what would it be and it would be bad. And it's bad for me. And they're like, but do you still have your, yes, I still have my health. I still have my family, but it's so bad. I know what you mean.

I'm and I think we're similar where if you're going to do something you want to be the best at it and do it fully I'm the same way I even like years ago when other people started doing podcasts I kept being like no and now I'm just like I want to like help people who come on do podcasting because now I know what that feels like and there is room for so many other podcasters even if like there's room no like I feel that same I'm like there's so many people out doing this why do I think I should do this? And are, are people going to roll their eyes and be like another podcast?

Yes, there's probably some people roll their eyes. Of course. But then I think Glenn and Doyle talks about this or I think it's like, or maybe it's somebody else. It's either Brene Brown or Glenn and Doyle. Or Glennon about like, but you have, like somebody hasn't heard it from you.

And there are some people that are going to resonate more with you. It's true. And we could be talking about the same thing. And some people might resonate more with the story that I have but we all have a story to tell our voice like why would I like oh there's so many so like I shouldn't be heard that's no that's crazy town but I mean I still like struggled with that about even starting it's like what do I have to say I mean I've had a few breakdowns about this podcast of just like who am I to think that I can do this and then especially being better tomorrow

is I want it to be helpful that's always the goal is it's like it's optimistic it's never shit talking but I also wanted to be fun yeah well you're a real person you aren't it's not going to be optimistic all the time because you're going to have certain feelings some days one of the hardest parts about podcasting is being in like a rock ball bottom moment and having to work but that is an opportunity to create that vulnerability with somebody else and just talk about that and say how you're feeling and maybe they have some something that could resonate with you that's going to hit so many earholes and resonate with so many people out there. And they might not get that from the podcast they listen to every week. You know, like you might get more listeners one week and not

as many the next. And, you know, it's all about what you're going through in your life. And it's really cool to have that community go through it with you. Like, I've gone through so much crap in my life. And this podcast community has just been like, I'm here for, like, do you struggle like coming from? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Do you struggle with, because I've done, like, a lot of research. I'll go, like, down rabbit holes of, like, people, why I'm, like, interested in this certain podcast and what they do. Do you struggle with, okay, there are some people that want to listen to certain things for you to talk about, but you might have outgrown that or want to talk about something different? But then you see your numbers and you're like, oh, but people really like this.

I struggle with that all the time with Bachelor stuff. Yeah, that was kind of. Yes. Or, like, for me, it's like when I started my podcast, I was like, oh, I just want it to be mental health. And I'm like, no, like, you have to talk about pop culture in some way. I can still do it in a positive way where I'm not like shitting on whatever so-and-so did. Right.

And making it worse for their mental health. Yeah, it's not like hot off the press fucking Harry Stiles and this person. You're just like, ew, that's how is he making out with this? This is so great. Like, you don't have to do that. Yeah. You could be like, oh, my gosh, did you hear this? Like, I wonder what they're thinking.

Like, there's so many. And that's just who you are, though. You'll naturally do that. And you can't, you know, pigeonhole yourself into one topic because naturally other topics are going to come up. Yes. But I do that same thing with, you know, obviously my numbers go up with a, like if I'm recapping The Bachelor or having people on from the current season. And I'm just like, I like it because I love giving people an opportunity to have their own voice on my podcast because they're put in a box themselves on edited television where I'm like, speak your truth. even though there's, you know, still under contract,

but they're able to at least have a voice. And I love hearing other people's side of things. Like, it's just so, one of my favorite things is when I have a guest on that people maybe weren't so sure of. And then after they go, oh, wow, I after that, I actually respect them and I like that. Yeah.

And it was nice to hear it coming from them. So it is cool. Yeah, I have kind of toyed with, I feel like I have stayed a lot out of Bachelor World, but. Well, that's probably for your own mental health because it brings up stuff. And it's, I mean, maybe it's not so fresh. anymore but it was so and now I feel like I'm more like I'm watching charity season right now I'm

obsessed with her I'm obsessed with her I am obsessed with her I know I know and I think she's just so awesome and I love she's like refreshing I love that she's like fully herself yeah and it does yeah it seems so easy yes like she it's and you know why because she knows herself she is brilliant and she's done the work and she knows herself so well she knows exactly what she's looking for so easy to watch but it's also like she has this innocence about her that's beautiful she's so pure so pure yeah I think that's why some people like I see that I don't be like oh I see her like I see a part of myself but I saw like when I watch her I'm like oh I would do something like really goofy like that yeah like so innocent and pure but she's done the work that a 24 year me at 24 as a

bachelorette did not do I mean which I can't even imagine now I remember people like being upset that I was so young as a bachelor and I'm like I know what I want because all my friends were married like legit all my friends had seven of my good friends got married right after college yeah and I was in a serious relationship and I thought that was going to be for me right so I'm like what are these people know they don't know me and now I'm like um like 24 is pretty young 24 is pretty young to be dating on a television show to get married yeah yeah it's like different than just dating in your hometown and maybe being ready. I forget about Jed all the time. I honestly kind of forget about Luke Lee. I hope so. I do. I mean, he like triggered something in that moment, but like those are not

their relationships that actually really hurt me that much. Right. Yeah. Gosh, have you ran into Jed in Nashville now that you live here? No, I have not ran into him. Yeah. But I genuinely mean this. Like, I have no ill will of him. I'm so happy. I heard he's like engaged. Yeah. Like, I'm good for him. Yeah. That was such a small little sliver of something in your life. Like, I wonder if he still feels the same way. I was like, oh, yeah.

Like, I think I had one time got engaged. Like, I, that's how I feel. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes, I'm sure afterwards was traumatic for both of us. And, like, he probably doesn't, that probably doesn't always forget, like, the backlash. But that we were engaged does not feel real.

And I don't even know, like, I don't know him. It doesn't count. Like, I don't know him. No. No. I mean, it's, it all happened. It was all just such a whirlwind for you. And then you went right into dancing.

And then people thought you and Alan had a thing. And that was just a whole other relationship that went into the media headlines. And yeah, that was crazy too. It'll never not be weird. Yeah, it'll always be weird. I mean, there's just. My life is just a reality TV show. You know what?

Would you do reality TV again? What if it was like the life of Hannah? Would you do it? I've thought about it. Because I have an idea to pitch to you. But I'll tell you after when we're off the record. Yeah, I think I would. I think I'm in a good, if it had boundaries and I had control.

Yes, exactly. That's the thing. You've gone through so much where you didn't have control and everything has worked for you, whether it looks, feels, is like it really has worked out for you in the long run to get, like, you're the most solid you've ever been. You are so successful in everything you've done. You've built this life and career and book, and now you're starting this important conversation.

conversation with podcasting and so now if you could now move forward into a show where you had creative control got executive producer credits and sign me up sign me up no and like I every time I do interviews or get like opportunities to host or read off a teleprompter I'm like this is what I'm like that is what I'm the most happy yeah same so I like being on TV yeah I like being myself on TV. Yeah. And being able to, I think vulnerability is a superpower, like Brene Brown says. And I think you have that. I have that. Yep. Not everyone can do that. And it's a gift if used correctly. And so I want to do things that make me happy. But not all reality TV shows would make me happy. That's why podcasting is a good, like, you know, you get to, you can put it on YouTube. It's like your own

little TV show you can podcast and I want you to tell everybody what they're going to take away from your podcast at the end of each of so like what are they going to feel I want people when they listen to better tomorrow to just like when they to feel better than when they hit play that is the the main goal is that it is something that is additive to your day I think there's there's so much out there so much that's so competitive out there too to listen to and to catch your attention and if you choose to spend your time with me, I want it to be something that is filling your cup up and putting you in a good space, headspace, mood to go about your day.

Yeah. That is like the main goal, regardless of who we're talking about, what we're talking about. if it doesn't make you feel better after, then I wasn't successful at better tomorrow. Yeah, right? Because that is the point. That is the whole goal is to just like feel a little bit better than you did the day before or, you know, a few moments before listening to it. And that doesn't mean we won't have like hard conversations. Oh, no.

That's, those are all the things you just said is exactly how I want people to feel with this podcast and we have some hard comments. We laugh, we cry. And laugh and be fun. Yeah. That's also one of the things that. when I hear like my podcast, I'm like, no, we're still going to have fun. Yeah. I'm not like a doctor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not going to be serious. I'm going to be like, I'm f***ed up. Please help me. Yeah. No, totally. And then having those conversations that hopefully will help me and other people listening. Yeah.

I don't ever want the podcast. I think you do this very well. Like there's some authority because it's your podcast. podcast, but you don't act like you have it all, all the answers figured out. Oh, hell no. And that, like, if somebody's coming in thinking that, like, I'm going to be able to tell them how to do life, like, please don't. That's why you have guests on.

You have experts in certain things to come on and share their knowledge with you, with everybody. But I do think I've had some very unique experiences where I've gained a lot of wisdom and been very humbled. and learned and lost and have grown and have fallen to rock bottom in such this condensed time that it's almost a disservice not to be able to talk about that because if they can help somebody that's maybe in one of those situations where maybe I went the wrong way or went the right way for them to feel like not alone in that moment of struggle and to maybe be able to

use the wisdom that i've gained to to point them in a direction to also go find somebody else to help them more yeah then that's that is the goal of the i'm excited for you i am too i'm getting so much more excited i think there's like first starts excited then it gets like nervous scared and now i'm going back into oh we're doing the thing that means you're doing the right thing that means you're supposed to be doing this if you have all of those feelings that's great. I think so. Yeah. I hope so. Well, I can't wait. It comes out actually the day after we released this episode. Oh, perfect. So good timing. Everybody go listen tomorrow. And I just want to thank you for like supporting me in this. And like I think the Vino's like that is like my

goal like what you've created here is so cool. Like the community that you have that supported you and everything. But that takes a leader in somebody that. that's been vulnerable to be able to rally people together. So I just want to like tell you that you're doing really great and you're inspiring somebody like me to want to be like that and to emulate that. And that's like the best, that's what I want to have to somebody one day. That's what the shit is all about.

I hate when people are, I am so competitive. I am so competitive, but I want to be able to do it in a way where I empower other people. I'm competitive with myself and wanting to always be better in my own lane and, like, inspire and encourage others to be doing what they want to do and, like, help me help you. How can I help you with this? I've been doing this for six years. How can I help you with anything that you need?

And, yeah, it's just, I'm just in a place where I'm like, I remember talking to Kelty Knight. And she was like, honestly, Caitlin, thank you for having me on this podcast to promote my show. She was like, you'd be, like, mind blown in L.A. to know how many people don't want to support your dreams and, you know, just feel, and I was like, what? that I think moving to Nashville has been that click for me and being able to be around people like you and other people that I've just met that genuinely are first of all are so successful are not any less successful than somebody else in Los Angeles but are way more willing to help and there's a difference of being like jealous and being inspired and I've had

had to learn in my brain sometimes, I'm pretty self-wear. I'll say, like, I'm jealous at somebody. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I do like. I, now I'm like, no, no, I'm actually like, jealousy would be me thinking, like, I can't have what they have. I can have what she has. Totally. I'm inspired by that. Yeah. And I want to be around people. I want to be around her, not because I want to take something away from her, but I want to level up. Yeah. And I have, like, really genuinely felt that and anytime I don't feel that I'm like I talk it out and I'm like why am I feeling jealous and I can like make it positive again the mountain that is you that book talks about what jealousy actually is and it's such an inviting book to figure out like what that might like

what your what internally that means if you're feeling jealousy that means you probably want what somebody else has like it's it's very simple and it breaks it down into what these feelings are. And so jealousy, you can choose to use it as jealousy or inspiration, like you just said. Yeah, I'm still in that case in a lot of ways, but I'm very proud of myself for being able to actually now verbalize how I feel and to be able to have these conversations and now be able to do it at a podcast of like, oh, no, I was totally feeling jealous, but this is why. And now I'm using that as a motivator and I'm actually super inspired.

And how am I going to do these things? Like, that's a journey that I'm inviting other people to go on with me. Yeah. And everybody could go on that journey. It's right for everybody. Everybody probably should. Everybody should go on that journey. And if you don't think that, this podcast is even more for you.

I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. See your next Tuesday. So what's it like to be the mom of four little girls and the wife of an NFL quarterback? Well, it's absolute insanity in the best possible way. But you can hear that for yourself when you listen to my podcast the morning after with me, Kelly Stafford. And yes, Matthew joins sometimes too. It's parenting, it's marriage, it's friendships, and it's full.

It's our life. So check out the morning after with me, Kelly Stafford, at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to your podcast. Stream the biggest blockbusters this summer with popcorn summer movies on Pluto TV. Indulge in hilarious rom-coms like The Backup Plan or delve into award-winning dramas like Forrest Gump and Minari with thousands of other free movies. Pluto TV has something for everyone. Available on live TV and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite devices and start streaming now.