Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Heather Monahan

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Today, best-selling author, keynote speaker, entrepreneur, founder of Boss In Heels, and host of her own podcast Creating Confidence, Heather Monahan sits down with Kaitlyn. Heather talks about her journey through corporate America and how getting fired was the best thing that could have happened to her. Heather and Kaitlyn discuss her book, "Confidence Creator" and how she had to go against the grain to find her success. And Kaitlyn explores some of the lessons learned form her previous relationship when the two discuss what failure really means. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Apartments.com, change your apartment, change the world. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. All right, you guys, joining me today is the author of the bestselling novel, Confidence Creator, the CEO of her company, Boss in Heels, hosts of the podcast creating confidence and all-around badass Heather Monaghan. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me.

You have all the coolest titles, like, to introduce yourself. It's all, like, everything's like, creating confidence is an amazing title for anything. Like, that's what you do. Yeah, but you know what's funny is, and I think everyone will relate to this, the reason why I have that is because that's what I struggled with the most personally. You know, so wherever your struggles are, that's where I ended up gravitating towards in order to start fixing things for myself. Oh, that's so interesting. I mean, that makes sense because that, how, like, you probably know it all too well and how to work on it and how to get there. And people probably struggle a lot with just those, you know, those starter steps. It's like going to the gym, just getting your shoes on and going is the hardest part. Absolutely. Like anything, just getting going on it. But for me, I got that push that really thrust me into figuring it out when I got fired from corporate America. Okay. Corporate America. Yes. So you got fired.

Is that what you said? Yeah. So I grew up in sales and elevated really quickly in my early 20s. I took a $27 million property, turned it into a $55 million property, went to corporate America from there, pitched myself for a job that didn't exist, was awarded VP of sales of the company, was promoted to executive vice president, chief revenue officer, the highest position in the company, and over 14 years doubled the company's revenues. And then the CEO I had worked for.

for 14 years, became ill, and he elevated his daughter to CEO. And that was when I got the call that I was no longer needed. Oh, my gosh. Through all of that, you were, I mean, that's incredible what you did in that time. Did that bring you a lot of confidence having those titles? You know, it's weird, yes. And that's well articulated, having the titles, I leaned into confidence around how much money I made. Yeah.

The title I had, how many employees. I had reporting to me and my revenue results instead of having intrinsic confidence, which is so very different. I had never really had that. Right. Because you probably had other things going. You had so much going in your life that you had that to focus on. And you're like, well, if I have all this, I should be confident.

Exactly. But I was always on that wheel that, all right, you made this much money this year. How do you go to that next level? How do you make that much more? And I stopped thinking about myself and what I wanted. working out or sleeping or, you know, just anything to take care of me and getting fired really was that pivotal moment for me to say, okay, I'm at rock bottom. I'm under a freaking weighted blanket. Yeah. Bombing Chardonnay. And crying my eyes out, you know, where do you go from here?

And at first I felt like I didn't know how I was going to bounce back. I certainly didn't know that a year and a half later I'd have my own show, my own book and be sitting here with you. I can tell you that much. Right. Because, and I talk about this a lot because of things that have happened in my life where I was feeling like I had stuff going for me at the podcast, but I was going through a really hard time. I felt like I was rock bottom at one point and just how like months later I was the happiest I've ever been and how you just don't know what's around the corner for you. And sometimes it actually 99% of the time it takes those hard times and the rock bottom moments to have something pivotal happen for you to go in the right direction. As long as you don't go back, as long as you take that opportunity to say,

okay, let's reset right now and think about what do we want to create new to move forward instead of just try to go back to where I used to be? Because I thought about it for a minute. And I know everybody's done this. Go back to an old relationship. Dig in the recycle bin. Let's go back to someone I've already been with. Or for me, I was going to go back to media and pitch myself for an other job and just stay in what I know because that was comfortable. Yeah. Of course. which is what most people do. And the people who sit in uncomfortable are usually the ones that succeed in their actual goals of what they want to do, like what they love doing. That's the key is figuring out.

And for me, what was hard, I did, I'm 44 now. I got fired when I was 43. So I did 23 years in corporate America of comfortable where I was getting ahead and everyone's clapping for me and great job. And then I suddenly went to this uncomfortable. I don't know how to write a book. I don't know how to self-publish. I don't know how to get a podcast. I don't know how to do any of this.

Every day has been freaking uncomfortable, but that's where now I applaud for me that I'm doing, I'm growing. Every day I'm growing. I'm learning more in the past year and a half than I did in the last 20 years, and that is an epic fail. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I feel the same way how much you learn about yourself when you go through something like this. And you're like, wait, why didn't I do this so many years ago? But I mean, can't look at it like that.

But that's, so my boyfriend, Jason, he was in corporate America. He worked his ass off. He went to school. He got his MBA. He's like in finance. He was VP of Key Bank in Seattle. And he kept doing that same thing, just working up, working up. And he just thought, if I have this and if I get this promotion and he relocated four times.

And I'll get there. I'll get there. And that's going to what, you know, that's going to fill my soul. And then he got there and he got all those promotions. And he got to where he wanted to be. And he said it was the emptiest he's ever been. Yes. That's so.

good that he had that insightful moment and noticed. Yeah. And he did. And he now moved. And, you know, he said, how great is this? It's 2019. I had everything I wanted in my career that I worked so hard for. And you've got your high school education. And I'm moving to Nashville to be with you to help you with your success. Kately, you know what's interesting to me is that I believe we were all taught wrong. Because we were taught, and we need to as a society rethink what we were taught about education and grades and what you're supposed to do and you're the pretty one and you go over here. I was the social one and Heather could only be over here. My sister was the smart one so she could go over here.

Here's a thing. There are no lanes. Blow up the labels and just take your individual talents wherever you want to go, wherever you gravitate towards whatever you feel is that fit for you and stop letting others define and tell you who you're going to be. Because that is all BS. And I swear I'm just, I'm living it. your boyfriend's living it, you're living it. And I want everybody to have that same access to live it too.

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I'm loving the flared jeans. They're coming back, you guys, and I'm going through my closet to figure out what I might pair them with, because I'm going to rock them. I went on Express website and I ordered the dark, high-waisted button, flybell, flare jeans, and then I figured, with the prices being that good, might as well throw in another pair. With more styles, fits, and sizes than ever, there's a pair of Express jeans to fit your Mare. ambition, style, and figure. They have sizes from double zero to 18 available in most stores and online. Find out what fits you right now Express is offering off the Vine listeners an exclusive

limited time offer in stores or online. So you can get $20 off any pair of Express jeans using the code 9989 at checkout in stores or online. So one more time, that's express.com promo code 9989 for $20 off any one pair of jeans in the store online. Exclusions apply. I mean, I'm a risk taker, but I still get scared to do some of those things, you know? So how do you push yourself through when you are scared? I think I just, from the time that I can remember doing that for the first time and doing something I was afraid of and seeing the results and seeing that the scariest thing I ever did came with success, I was like, okay,

well, I have to keep trying to do that. And the more I've done it, the more brave I've gotten, and the more success that's come from it, whether it be relationships or friendships or goals in my career, like the more risks I take, the more brave I get and the more the results I want to see happen. So it's so important to highlight what you just said, which is, you know, you start off small with one thing and then you notice, oh, hey, I didn't die. And actually, that went okay. Right.

Who knew? And you make note of that. You know, I keep a journal and I write that stuff. I write my wins down because wins are meant to be celebrated. And not just for your friends, but for you too. And that's what LinkedIn's for and social media. You know, share your highlight reel because there are going to be plenty of us like you and me applauding for you out there. And you're going to inspire others to do the same.

Right. And I think the word highlight reel gets thrown around a lot on Instagram too because a lot of people think of that as like, oh, well, I'm just feeling really pretty today. So this is my highlight real. And I'm living the best life. But I think it's it can be more than that. and it can be celebrating your own successes and sharing your struggles of how you got there, too. And I think that's important to do on social media. And a lot of people kind of see it as like, oh, it's cocky to like celebrate your wins on social media.

But why is that not something you should be proud of? It is something you should be proud of. And this is, again, one of those things that specifically women have been told. Yeah. Women, you know, men, I always see my guy friends are posting things about, I just won this case at the Supreme Court. And they're so proud. I'm applauding for them, but my friend that's a woman that won a case would never post that article because she feels she'd look full of herself. I decided a while ago, and I learned this from a guy that was on my sales team.

He said to me one day, hey, Heather, I'm taking off from work. It was 4 o'clock. And I said, hello, where are you going? And he said, I'm going to coach my son's game. Aren't you so proud of me? I'm learning leadership with kids. I'm investing in kids and I'm bringing it back to work. I'll see you tomorrow.

Now, a woman would never want to leave work early because she's, she'd be afraid she's judged. And I just started noticing, you know what, I can learn from men here. And I'm going to rip a page out of their playbook. And I'm going to start posting. And the first time I did, I got an amazing feedback and a specific DM from a woman who said, I never knew a single mom could accomplish something like that. Thank you for inspiring me to know that I can. Yeah. And when you realize that you sharing your truth and your accomplishment is going to help somebody else own theirs, you've got to do it. It's your job. That's so true. That's what I find. that can be the biggest blessing about social media is sharing those kinds of things and seeing the response of how you, even if you just help this one person, you feel so good about it. And that's, I had this, I just rescued a dog. And obviously the dog has been through so much and I was just so happy to help him.

And everyone knows that I'm like obsessed with golden retrievers and I was just so happy. And I had previous things that I had already committed to for work before I knew I was getting the dog. So I felt so guilty leaving this poor dog who doesn't know where, you know, where home is or where he is or if this is this is forever home, am I leaving him, you know? And I was already feeling that guilt. And I left and all these people on social media started being like, how could you leave the dog already? You're such a bad dog, mom. I can't believe. And I was like, oh, my God, they're right.

And then I thought about it for two minutes. And I went, no, they aren't. When I have kids, I'm going to leave them too because I am a working woman who can do both. And I shouldn't feel guilty about that. And he, you know, I'm going to come back to the dog. And I'm giving him the best life. I'm sorry. I think he'd rather be in my home than in the place he was before.

And I have this thing that my girlfriend told me that she has to, and a lot of us have it, it's false guilt. And it's, I was feeling so much false guilt for leaving the dog when I'm like, well, I'm going to leave kids too because I can do both. And you will. And if that's what you want, you should. And it's not accepting others limiting beliefs. You didn't accept to them.

You put them back to them. Those are fine for those guys. You stay on top of your dog and suffocate him in the rest of your life. Have fun at it. Here's the thing with kids, as I have one son. And I learned along the way over the last 12 years, as he's been growing, if I'm always giving up everything for him, he's going to become that adult. Right. And I'm not letting my son let some woman walk all over him and give up his whole life to just take care of everybody else.

Right. You need to take care of you first. Yeah. And career is important to me. me. And I have taught my son that over the last few years that mommy's going on trip, but I need you to cheer me on. Here's where I'm going. And here's what I'm going to do. And here's how it's going to help our business and our future. Totally. I love that. And it's all about like the communication with the kids too. And for the women out there that aren't that don't have a career

and their job as being a mom, that is a very important job too. And we're just saying, find something that you're passionate about, even if it's just getting out and going to the gym or getting, like, doing whatever you love to do, give that time to yourself. and don't feel that false guilt. Oh, my gosh, it's so important. That's such one of the baseline fundamental ways to develop confidence. And it's not that hard a step because you can just start with, you know what? I'm leaving right now.

I'm going out on a run. And then maybe it's once a week you're going to have a girl's lunch. You can start small. But the more you do it, the stronger you're going to feel, the better you're going to feel. And the more you'll start chasing your passion and open your eyes to what else is out there for you. And it's so good for the kids. It really is. I mean, I don't have kids.

So I can't really speak as a mother, but I would assume that would help build their confidence and just, I mean, there's kids are what they call sponges, right? Like they see that and then they learn from it. And there's a reason we all are who we are now. And it's because of how we were raised. And then that's just something you obviously have to be so aware of as a parent these days. It's so true. And the other thing, the opportunity that it allows for for me is it allowed for my son to build really strong friendships and relationships with other people. instead of just being with his mom every day. So now he's very social. I don't know if I had been that hovering helicopter mom. If he would be that person today, you know? I try and not be that mom with a dog.

Like sometimes I'm like, okay, Kailen, you are a helicopter parent with a dog. Like, let him be a dog. So I wanted to talk about your book. You wrote it in 2017? I wrote it in 2017 and I self-published in 2018, yes. That is incredible. Can you tell the listeners a bit about what the book is? is about? Yeah. So confidence creator is a compilation of my lowest moments in my life and how I

learn to create confidence from them and how the reader can too. So it's part autobiography and then part directional self-help. Here's how you can build confidence. But I tell, listen, I tell my lowest moments, divorce, going to jail, getting fired. You know, I decided the more I shine a light on my shame, the better I feel about myself instead of having to hide from it, you know? It's about forgiving yourself too. That is liberating. There's something I saw, oh, it was a relationship course I took online through a therapist who talked about bringing your shadows into the light and those dark times that you went through and the things that you think you should be ashamed of and dropping the shame and bringing them into the light and how freeing it is for you and

to help other people. It's so true and so powerful. That's a really important lesson. I didn't learned that until very recently. Yeah. So I, you know, I, because nobody probably told you it was okay. I had never heard that was okay. Yeah. So again, back to what we were saying, you know, kind of reexamining, what have we learned and is it really accurate? You know, other people might have said, don't do that. I remember when I got fired and I, this is in my book, too, I share, I took to social media and posted. I just got fired. Yeah. And after 14 years, it feels terrible. If I've ever helped you, I'd love to hear from you today. And that post went viral because guess what? So many other people have been fired. And they let me know. And I realized I'm not alone. And then I decided to look at it differently. You know what? I'm in good company. Yeah. Oprah's been fired. More Cubans been fired. I mean, the list goes on and on. And sometimes that's the key to something wasn't right. I was in a toxic environment. I was surrounded by a villain that hated me. The minute she thought she fired me, in actuality, I fired her from my life. My son says, I love how you do that, mom. And now instead,

amazing people and opportunities have come into my life. I can't share this enough. Getting rid of that villain out of your life, firing that negative person that talks down to you, holds you back, doesn't want you to shine. When you cut that tie, you will take off like you never have before. A freaking men. Like, I've done it. I've seen the outcome and you're so right. And I don't know why it's so hard for people to realize negative people. Like, why is it so hard for people to cut ties with those people? Because they're comfortable. You're in a comfortable situation, even though it's uncomfortable because it doesn't feel good. I would go home at night crying. I was sad.

I hated my job. But I love the paycheck. And I couldn't see beyond what was in front of me. One thing about corporate America, it's very linear and well lit. You can see, this is the next jump and the next promotion. And here's how long it should take. This idea of leaving that safe space I knew so well for 20 years. And I really had a. presence in and credibility, to go be a rookie entrepreneur? What the heck was I going to do? I couldn't see yet. And what I've learned is when you move forward in faith in yourself, when you move forward in your truth and take those steps and that risk, things will start appearing for you. And that is literally what happened for me. Okay, you guys, it's here. The biggest shopping day on the planet.

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to the confidence thing and having the confidence to do it. And that's such, it's so, I love saying it and I love preaching it, but I know it's hard for some people to do. But if some, if people just took that one baby step to start, like you don't have to do anything crazy. Like you said, go to lunch with your girlfriends, do something that makes you feel good and you start building that confidence. It's just crazy what you pay attention to and what it leads to.

It's so true. The baby step is something everyone can do. Yeah. And it can be something as small as writing a note on the bottom of your shoes. I can. I will. To remind yourself, you know, I am going to go in and ask for this raise today. And you're going to get nervous before you go in there.

And you're going to set yourself up for success ahead of time. You're going to fire up a playlist that really makes you feel powerful. Wear your power colors. Grab a lavender scent. Do all the steps that are very simplistic to take that will set you up to push you through that door. So you do take that chance on you. And maybe you find out that boss is never giving you a raise. Right.

Then you know, hey, I'm going to start looking for another job. I'm going to get myself out of here instead of sitting on the sidelines waiting and getting frustrated that life is passing you by. Yeah. It's, I mean, I just always want to shake people. Sometimes it's like, I know it's comfortable, but get out. Like, it'll just benefit everybody in the long run. And I think a lot of people think short-term happiness and what will keep me happy in the moment. and they're not thinking about the longevity,

or if you do something, if you do something hard now, it could result in like a lifetime of happiness where if you keep doing the easy thing, it'll just temporarily keep you happy. If success was easy, everyone would have it. Right. In order to get massive success, you have to take massive risk.

People don't know. You've done that. I've done that. People don't see that. And as time passes and people become more successful, success beget success. So the more you take that leap and go, for it, your momentum will build. Opportunities will start coming towards you. Like you said,

the universe rises up to meet what you're giving out. So when you start taking those steps, people start saying, oh, that person's always had it easy. They're so lucky. I hear that all the time. Totally lucky. I'm lucky, really. Last night, I flew to Nashville so I could meet with you today, left my son in Miami. I'm flying from here to Atlanta to do another interview tomorrow. I don't know when I'm going to be back at home in Miami. I have paperwork for my kid to get ready. Last night I'm sleeping in the hotel. The fire alarm goes off at three in the morning. I'm on no sleep. I'm not lucky guys. I work hard and I'm clear on where I'm going. That's, yeah. I think that's really important for people to know too because it's like, okay,

we are lucky for certain things, but we also work hard to get there. And I don't know. I have maybe one of those people that I say, I'm like, I am so lucky. But I also feel like I do a lot of self-work to get there. And self-work and hard work, I really feel like I do to get to be lucky. Yeah, but the one thing as an outsider looking at you, you took a massive risk going on a reality TV show. And you and I both know this. A lot of people have been ruined by that decision. Definitely. Many. Right. So that's not a layup. It's not, oh, hey, that was, hey, super smart. Because I, Bravo and I met last year about me going on a show. And I said no. For many reasons, But one was, you know, I evaluate things the risk versus the reward, right?

And I was concerned that, hey, this could be something that could ruin all that I built in business and my credibility here. So I thought, you know what? I don't think it's worth it. So I didn't take that risk. So I don't know that you're so lucky. You took that giant leap and went all in. Right. I was thinking about this with the Bachelorette on Monday.

The guy was talking about how people were coming down. on him because his sob story, you know, everyone on the show has this sob story and they want to share what their hard times. And people were coming down on him because his hard time was like his parents really wanted him to play football and they were all over him and just really and but he stood against that and played golf instead. And everyone made fun of him like, oh, really hard challenges. And I'm like, wait, that's, that could be something really personal to him that was deeper than the football. It was, you know, parents telling you what to do. And And I was just, I felt so bad for him because I'm like, who are we to say whose sob story is worse or what story didn't, like, affect you or, ha, ha, like make laugh at them for their struggles.

Like, that could be something way deeper that's held him back from so much in life. And here he is risking everything to be on this reality show and is being vulnerable. And we're laughing at him. That is so true and so well said. Not everybody wears their scars on the outside. Right. Right. And so you can see people that are suffering, but sometimes you see other people and they look like.

like they've got all together, they're suffering just as much, if not more. I know. And that decision that we don't know the power of that family and that structure of that family, that could have been a he could have been an outcast of his family from that. And that's really hard because people want to belong and you want to feel a part of something. And when you're younger, it's really hard to stand up to your family. Yeah. Yeah.

I felt, I just want to, you know, I was wondering when somebody does something and I feel bad, I'm like, I want to get them on the podcast. I want to talk this out. I want to talk this out with them. Like, what happened? Are you watching Bachelorette right now by any chance? I am not watching Bachelorette right now. But I did.

I watched some clips just so I could be up to date for you today. Oh, my God, you're amazing. You're on it. I was just, same thing with like this whole Luke P. Drama. And I just feel bad for him because I think he's just more of like an outcast at this point and not a villain, but he's just being manipulated to be a villain. And he's just good TV at this point.

And people just, you know, they don't see it like that. They see it as like, why is she keeping him? He is a piece of shit. And they're like ripping on him. And I just feel terrible for him. This guy's probably not make, you know, he's not going to be lucky from going on the show, right? I mean, it's at risk and he might have lost out. It reminds me so much of corporate America.

I have to tell you, this game that goes on behind the scenes, manipulation. Someone's not really who they pretend they are. Someone else is really suffering, but they're not sharing it with anyone. It's so toxic. It must be a massive drain having to be on that show. Yeah, it is. Especially when, you know, for this Luke guy, he might actually just be being himself. And maybe that person isn't for everybody.

But now he's, you know, so exposed on this television show that. And that's a big audience. And they hang on to things and they will remember that guy for a long time. And it's going to, you know, be hard for him to go to the grocery store now without people having an opinion about him. And I just want to give him a hug. Sounds like he needs one. I know. I feel terrible for him.

But I love that in your book. you do share, I like that you do both sides. I like that you share a lot of personal stories and then it's kind of also like a how to. So like those things that you went through probably so important to your journey to becoming the businesswoman and entrepreneur that you are today. What was the actual particular moment in your life? I know you talked about being fired or, but something else in your in your life that helped you become that. Like you said something about going to jail? Yeah, I got arrested. I love, I do a lot of speaking engagements and I love to engage with audiences.

So I'll always say, how many people here have been arrested? And, you know, people start laughing hysterically. No one raises their hands. And you know when you're talking to hundreds of people, someone in that room has been arrested, please. Yeah. But that's one of those taboos. You're not supposed to talk about it. Well, for me, I was on planes going to meetings for work and Googling myself afraid.

What if other people are Googling me? Is my mugshot going to show up? That feeling was so horrible. So when I'd arrive at a meeting, guess what? I wasn't standing super tall and proud. I was hunched over and my face was down. I wasn't smiling. And I had to work so hard to get my, you know, attitude back up and get positive.

And it was, I was wearing that on my back everywhere I went. And so when I decided to say, Frickett, I'm just putting it in the book. And you know what? The only person I need to share this with is my son. And I did because I knew he'd hear about it once, you know, went in the book. I did that and I just said, oh, you know what, I am now free of this. I don't have to worry that anyone Googled my mugshot if you want to go ahead. But you know what?

It is what it is. It's in the past. It's something I learned from and I've moved on from it. But I'd say that's not a pivotal moment. Getting divorced was a pivotal for me. I had a one-year-old son and I got divorced. And that moment of saying, I've got a baby and someone dependent on me, how did I end up here? How did I let myself get to this place?

And that's when I started, I was 32 or 33 years old, I said, I'm going to start working on me and start looking into me. And I started seeing a therapist and I started working out and I started meditating and journaling and reading about, you know, different self-help books. And I really immersed myself in that while I was working. And I was very quiet about it. You know, I didn't tell everyone I was doing it. But that reflection period went on for almost a decade. And it really has allowed me to get to know myself, allowed me to really take off. at work and have some experiences. I don't think I ever would have had. But it's kind of just

like eyes wide open now, you know, seeing myself and accepting myself for who I am, good, bad, ugly, and different. It doesn't matter. Yeah. That's, again, kudos to you for doing that because I think a lot of people can go into a shame spiral and not take hardships as an opportunity to grow and be better and take a look at themselves and dive deep into who they are. I think a lot of people use it as an excuse to self-medicate or, you know, go drink or go just, and I'm sure we all do that too, but I'm guilty of it too. But I think what's important is that you can come out the other side and do, like, work on yourself to really figure out who you are and how you're going to be different the next time. This episode of Off the Vine is brought to you by Miller Light. Did you know that Miller Light was a beer that launched the light beer category?

Miller Light is the original light beer, and from the start, it has never compromised on taste. Not going to lie, our fridge is stocked with it because Jason's obsessed. And that's because it's always brewed to have more taste with only 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs. Miller Light, hold true. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Alexa isn't the only one with breaking news. Make sure to hang around at the end of this podcast for the latest breaking headlines. on the AP News Minute.

Hey, I'm Heather Morris. And I'm Ava Bernstein-Mitchell, aka Ava Flav. And we're the host of the new show, The Dance Room, on Podcast One. We're veteran dancers and choreographers that have worked with the likes of Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, and many more.

Oh, and you know, I used to be on this little show called Glee. I don't know if you watched it. Well, each week we're going to go full out on our favorite TV dance shows, like, so you think you can dance, dancing with the stars. And World of Dance. So don't miss it.

Get new episodes of The Dance Room every Thursday on Apple Podcast. And podcast one. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Every relationship I've had has been the biggest learning experience for me into my next relationship. And they've all set me up for success in the one I'm in today. Like, so the divorce would probably help you not only in yourself and, you know, as a parent

and in your career because you were forced to look inside, but it's going to help you in the next relationship, too. It's so true. And the biggest takeaway I took from the divorce was the day I was getting married, my inside said, don't do this, Heather. I could hear it loud and clear. Really? And I verbalized it.

And suddenly, you know, people were saying, you can't do this. And I accepted everyone else's fears and everyone else's ideas. And I said, oh, I have to help them. I learned from that day, I knew not to get married. Yeah. And now when I hear that voice, you listen. I know. No. Listen, I act right away. Right away. I jump on it. And it can be something crazy. And this was launching my book. I shared it with my innermost circle, my family. And I thought they were going to be cheering me on. And instead, they weren't. They didn't want me to share some of these stories that I had dug up from our past. And I didn't expect that. So I almost didn't launch the book six weeks before the book was going to launch. And I learned something. Call someone that's way further ahead than you. So I called my editor.

He had written 19 books, published 19 books. I called him and I was crying and I said, Ryan, I don't think I should do this. They're saying I'm going to get sued. They're saying I'm not going to sell any books. They're saying, they're saying. And he said, tell me the one reason why you wrote the book. And I said, I want to help at least one person out there that younger me or that person that doesn't have the knowledge that I've gained.

I want someone to be able to get help from this. He said, then that doesn't change from what your family said to you, publish the book. And that was a one, you know, yes, Heather, you know you can do this. And I heard and myself, I can't. Yeah. I can do this. And I just shut my eyes and did it. Being in tune with yourself is so important in listening. Like I always hate like cheesy advice, but sometimes it's the cheesy advice that goes so much deeper than what you would think. Like when people say trust your gut, it's like if you actually listen to that voice, it's there. And that was everybody, you know, when you go on the bachelor or bachelor, I'd ask me like, what would be your advice for Hannah or what would be your advice for that? And I always say as cheesy as that sounds like it is trusting your gut. It is trusting your heart. And it is staying true to yourself that will bring you success in so many ways, especially in a relationship. It's so true.

And being the most real you you can be. Yeah. If you really don't like going to golf outings with your significant other, you need to verbalize that because that person thinks you do. You need to start saying who you really are so that you can find that person that's really attracted to the real you. Yeah, absolutely. Very well said. And I think like what you're saying is over the years of what you've gone through. you kind of have a good relationship with failure now.

I don't believe in failure. Here's what failure is to me. Failure would be if I just gave up on it. Today I said, you know what, it's tough being an entrepreneur and I'm scared a lot of mornings and I don't know where I'm going next. I'm going to go ahead and go back to that old career because I know I can get the stable paycheck. That's failure because I quit on me. Yes.

So, yes, I have lots of little setbacks along the way. I've worked with, I was just sharing this with a friend. I worked for months with a consumer package goods company on launching a skincare line, and it fell apart. I partnered with Perry Ellis International as the face for their female line. That fell apart. Those are all, some people would say fails. To me, they taught me lessons, and they taught me this lesson specifically. No matter what you're doing, you need to look at a potential octopus strategy.

Don't just go all in on one thing. You need to have a lot of different irons out there, a lot of different revenue streams. because if I've got 10 out there I'm working on, maybe three or four are going to work and come together. And I learned that very hard lesson, those first few months I went out of my own. And that won't happen to me again because of that. I'm insulated. Like, I've got 20 going now. I like that because I always, you know, people think coming off of the show and the relationship that I had didn't work.

So they think of it as like a failed relationship. And I've been very adamant about saying I actually don't see that relationship as a failure. I really don't. Three and a half years is something. It's not a failure. It was a relationship. And at the end of the day, we just figured out that it would be a, like you said, it would be a failure on our parts if we stayed together just to, you know, just to stay together and say that we were a successful couple from the show. Absolutely. That would be a failure. So I like that you said that because I do say all the time I don't see that as a failed relationship. But don't, didn't you also say you and he were so similar? I thought I heard on an interview saying that you guys, there was a lot of similarities between the two of you. Okay, yeah. So have you heard about the Enneagram? I took it because you and Kelty talked about it. Are you a three?

I took one that gave me three different numbers and a three, it was a three, a seven, and an eight. And they said I had it to another one and I just didn't have time. Okay. So, yes, we are similar in so many ways where we were both threes. And we were both, it was almost like instead of building each other up, it was almost like a competition. Competitive, yes. And when one of us was in like a healthy way of thinking as a three, the other one was

in an impaired way of thinking as a three. And we just were never on the same page. It always felt like when he, you know, we were in not a great place in our relationship. And to me, I always want to put the relationship first. And to me, that was what was important at the time. And I saw him put me on the back burner and go after his career, which I, I truly, really believe he should have done. And he did. And because of the place we were in, I took it as we aren't on the same page. So I got insecure about his career. I think coming off of the show,

I was, you know, as the Bachelorette. And just even as a woman on Instagram, you are more influential, as they say. Women are, you know, they get more brand deals. They get more things on social media because other women are so involved in that. Where it's, it's hard. for guys. And I think he saw that as competition and as a failure. And it just like always made us, we were so similar that we, we were starting to butt heads instead of be on the same page. And it turned into a bit of a competitive environment, which was obviously super unhealthy. But that's, where was I going with this? Why? I brought up that, that you guys were somewhat similar. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it was, we were similar in ways where it didn't, it

didn't help us, it hurt us. Right. And you know what I also like that you noticed there is that people's actions speak, not their words, the fact that he just went off chasing his career and you were feeling left back and not as important. Yeah. You need to be the most important thing to a man. And you can go have a career, but you need to make me feel important. If you can't do that, we've got a disconnect. You're not getting the communication or support you need. And there was that disconnect and I think that was that was the biggest problem and and that I wanted to support and be happy but I felt so insecure that I wasn't a priority that I just was like how do I be supportive and happy with this person who I feel like I'm not important I don't I didn't

feel important and yeah that was like probably the biggest struggle and and you know he was more like well I was so hurt from the show and now I need to chase my career because you've already been established and you've already got what you've got going on So I need to get that. And it just wasn't healthy. It just wasn't healthy. Jealousy. Yeah, it just was not a good place for either of us to be in.

So that's not a failure. That's a win. Right. Exactly. That's why I love that you said that because I need to think more like I do about that relationship because I don't look at it as a failure. Right. I do look at it as a win because now I'm like, you know, in a good place.

And I'm like, oh, okay. And that's when everything has started to happen and fall into place for me. more positive things are happening for you because you're finding true happiness. And, you know, here's the thing. You'll have other quote unquote failures, whether it be, you know, a new company that you're getting involved with or, but you'll see that those things just keep redirecting you to that next opportunity for you as long as you stay true to you. Right.

Absolutely. God, I love this conversation. I'm like, yes, I feel inspired. Like, I'm going to leave here feeling really good. What do you think is the number one thing holding, holding women back from, you know, the Is it just the whole thing that goes back to the feeling comfortable? I think it's ourselves. We are always the only one in our way.

And if people say, oh, no, you don't know. My fiancé is terrible to me. He's holding back. Well, then, no, you're the one staying with this guy. Right. You know, and so I have a lot of experience with us. I sat in that job for years unhappy saying I couldn't leave because I didn't have another opportunity. Well, guess what?

When I got kicked out, I created one and you can too. So, you know, instead of looking outwards to blame other people, people for a situation. Start looking inwards and saying, what step can I take, no matter how small today to start changing it, even if it is just going for a walk or, you know, doing the smallest thing for you. Totally. Do something for you and start that process in motion and you will change the outcome of your life, at least your current life, and you'll redirect it. God. Yes. I just, I just, the word that keeps coming into my head is preach. Amen. Yes, honey. Okay, I'm going to paint a picture for you, okay?

You're on your way to work. You're listening to your favorite podcast, mine, obviously. What snacks you got going on there, okay? Are you craving something sweet, maybe a little spicy, maybe even spicy and salty? Go do yourself a favor and get some blue diamond almonds and find your new favorite almond. My cupboard is stacked, let me tell you. They have great flavors like honey roasted, saracha and wasabi, and soy sauce-sauze flavored almonds. My favorite are the honey roasted.

they do not last long in the Bristol household. Blue Diamond almonds aren't your usually boring snack and they're better than whatever you're snacking on right now. They're so good and almonds are a superfood, keep that in mind. So don't deny your cravings. Eat them. Blue Diamond almonds crave victoriously. So obviously, and you mentor tons of people with your book

and now your podcast. What's your podcast called again? Creating confidence with Heather Monaghan. We are family, podcast one. I know. That's amazing. And I can't wait to be on your podcast. I'm so excited for you to be honest.

And you're a keynote speaker, which you're in the right biz now. Have there been any mentors in your life that have really made an impact on you? Yes. And sadly, they've all been men, which is so crazy. But, you know, men are great too. Oh, no, they are. But I guess for me, especially being a single mom and working, there are some things they can't really relate to because they're married and they have wives that are taking care of their family. So I always felt a little, you know, disjointed.

So what I would do is gravitate towards my single mom friends to talk about those kinds of things. But with business, it definitely – there's two men that I've had in my life that have been amazing. One was the gentleman that gave me my equity partnership when I was 24 years old and has believed in me every step of the way. I was at a company function at the old company I used to work for. And I was awarded VP of sales. And they called me up at an award ceremony to acknowledge me. And a gentleman stood up and started roasting me and calling me the VP of Cleveland. And in that moment. Oh, my God, I just got so angry. Oh, and it was a heat. I mean, the whole company was there. And everyone was laughing. And this is years ago. This was, I was probably 30, I don't know, 33, maybe early 30s. And I wasn't confident in myself in that time. And I thought, how can you get out of this? And I thought, you know, I'll just stand up and like laugh and, you know, raise the roof. Yeah. So I just, I didn't know what else to do. And so I made it that it was funny and a ha ha. But I was about to cry. And then that part of the show. And then that part of the show.

show wrapped and a singer went on or something. I excused myself to the ladies room and I called my mentor and I started bawling crying and he said, I will call an attorney right now. I will take that company down. And it was so nice, yes, that stunk. Today I would handle that differently. I would stood up and said, this is inappropriate and you can end right now. And it would have been, mic drop. Everyone would have stopped. I didn't know to do that then. Yeah, of course. And it was so nice to know that someone had my back and someone who was so much further ahead of me agreed that this is wrong. And in fact, you're in the wrong place. And I stayed in that place for another decade.

Wow. Wow. And that just goes to show women who, you know, struggle in their 20s. You have to know that women struggle at all ages and can come out of it no matter where you are in life. Just because you're in your 20s doesn't mean you should have everything together. In fact, you shouldn't. Oh, my gosh. I had no idea.

I worked like a dog in my 20s. I took so much crap from employers back then. You know, I really, I didn't take care of myself. and I didn't know what potential I had. I never thought I was smart back then. I'd always seen myself as the social one. I was labeled as a kid and this is all I can do is sales and stay focused where you succeed. I had no idea.

Oh, my gosh. I always think, now, if I could write a letter to that 20-year-old self of mine, and I encourage your listeners to do that even for yourself a couple years ago, what would you tell yourself to do different? You know, start reflecting on things like that because it's still the same knowledge you need to have now. I would have moved faster, believed in me, broken things and gone for my goals. So I remind myself that every day now. I think it's a cool idea.

And I got this from a couple that I had on my podcast as well, that for their anniversary, they always write a letter the year before. So they write a letter to each other on the anniversary and where they're at and what their hard times have been and what they've gotten through together. And then they read it on the next anniversary and see where they're at from the last year. That's really beautiful. I am obsessed with that idea. And I think people can do that for anything, even if it's it for the relationship with yourself. Write it on your birthday to yourself.

Yes. And then write another one on your next birthday, but read the one from the year before because that's why I put out a podcast the other day, the day after my birthday was, I put a podcast out that was the day before my birthday last year just to see how much has changed. And it was all in like a positive way. And it's nice to see the growth and hear it and be like, whoa, that's where I was at. And that was only a year ago. like imagine where I could be in a few years and it kind of jolts you into like this like you feel motivated.

The possibility. Yeah. It's huge. And I love that the thing I saw on social that you did with your birthday too. At your dinner, everyone went around and said one nice thing they appreciated or cared about or was special about you. I love doing that at birthdays. Yeah. I love doing that at Thanksgiving.

Me too. You know, it's being grateful and sharing what we love about people who are special in our life is so easy to forget about doing, but so important to do. I agree. It was the best feeling in the whole world. not only hearing things and because people go deep in those moments because they're like, we call it the feel good circle. And then I was like, well, now I want to say a nice thing about each one of you. And we left there just on a high. It's a domino effect.

Yeah. It really was. It was amazing. I'm just going to ask you a couple like rapid fire questions and then and then we'll unfortunately have to wrap up. But what piece of advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time and talk to yourself when it was just when you were just starting your career? Believe in you. You have no limitation. and do not accept anyone's direction if it does not resonate with you, just move fast and believe in you.

I love that. What are you hoping to accomplish with the podcast that you've started that you haven't accomplished already? Well, I think what's cool about the podcast is I can, not only am I sharing my behind the scenes of my struggles and my challenges, I can answer in real time my listeners' questions, which I think is really cool because I can hear where they're struggling and help them in some way. And then I get to meet with a different guest each week so they can bring their flavor. their experience and expertise, and everyone has a different story, different struggles. So it's letting people know you're not alone. Yeah, that's amazing. What questions are you constantly being asked by women who look to you as a mentor?

That's a good one. What questions from a woman? A lot of times I hear about the family versus being judged for working too much or not being with your family and putting yourself first. That's a really popular topic with women that they're being judged. judged a lot and how do you stand up for yourself and say, yeah, I don't have a child yet. And that's okay. This is my life. And I'm on the sidelines cheering you on. Love it if you cheer me on. If you don't, I'm just going to keep on moving. Right. Yeah, that's, I mean,

I'm big on boundaries and setting boundaries with people. Critical. Yeah, absolutely. Who is someone that you'd love to sit down with and ask about confidence and their journey to becoming the person they are today? I mean, of course, Oprah. I know. I know. Of course. I mean, I saw that you had Oprah and Ellen. I saw that on your website, right? I mean, that would be she's like the mothership, right? This lady's nailing it. Absolutely. Now you've started the, I'm going back to the podcast, the Creating Confidence Podcasts. What made you want to crack into the podcast space? People were asking me left and right. I learned from the book. I said, I researched, how do you sell books? I didn't know I was a self-published author, right? So, and I found out

doing speeches and or going on podcast, doing media. I saw, the number one sales driver for my book was Lady Gang. Oh, yeah. And the family. Yeah. So, and when I went on that show, the show did really well. And so I took that opportunity. I saw charting on the top 20 shows that week.

So I reached out to the president of Podcast One. And I said, I'd love to come in and thank you for the opportunities you've provided me. Could I come by? I'm in town. He said, sure, stop by. And I went in and that conversation led to us discussing creating the show. I love it. Podcasting is like the best space right now to be in.

I think you can reach so many people and have actual just conversation, which, you know, there's Instagram stories, it's 10 seconds. And then you're like trying to be on and you're on your phone. And this is like you're just in the moment having good conversation. And it's so people, I love, I love being able to do this and have people like be in their cars on their way to work and just have like a little, you know, 45 minutes of. It's so real. And you get to learn and access knowledge when you're doing something that otherwise is mindless. Yeah. And there's a reason radio is still successful to this.

day because you feel like you're friends with these people you know you you look forward to hearing from them every week and you become friends through it it's such a great opportunity yeah well i'm really excited for you with everything and and i can't wait to be on your podcast and just kudos to you for everything that you've done thank you so much for having me and i'm so proud of you too thanks for listening to osprevine with kately brisco get new episodes every tuesday exclusively on podcast one dot com the podcast one app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Sponsors for this week's off the vine are Apartments.com.

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