Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Jackie Schimmel | From Fake Diplomas to the Rise of The Bitch Bible Podcast

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

#758. Join Kaitlyn Bristowe as she chats with the irreverent and hilarious Jackie Schimmel, host of "The Bitch Bible" podcast. In this laugh-out-loud episode, Jackie shares her wild career path, from faking a diploma with Microsoft Paint to becoming an infamous receptionist who just couldn't get fired. Hear about her early days of blogging, learning to code, and eventually turning her aggressive public diary into a top comedy podcast! Jackie reveals her unapologetic take on motherhood, her infamous pop culture hot takes, and the unexpected twists and turns of her life. Don’t miss this rollercoaster of an episode filled with sharp wit, candid confessions, and plenty of laughs! If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: (8:03) - The story behind Jackie’s fake diploma and her attempt to get fired from her receptionist job. (11:52) - How Jackie started her blog, "The Bitch Bible” (22:25) - Jackie opens up about her journey of motherhood. (38:51) - A tale about her neighbor's missing arm during COVID that turned into a murder mystery in her house. Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! BOLL & BRANCH: Get 15% off plus free shipping on your first set of sheets when you use promo code Vine15 at BollAndBranch.com. Progressive: Quote at Progressive.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with eye gaming Ontario all right you guys today i have jackie shimmel on the podcast sometimes i am fast friends with people she is one of them i giggled the whole time she should be a stand-up comedian if she's not already but she is known as the bitch bible on her podcast social media she dropped out of college and made a real cool life for herself, to be honest with you. She's so funny. She's so self-deprecating, which I love in a human being. And now she has a top podcast, and we get to

just hang for the next 45 minutes. I loved every second of it, and I know you guys will too. You're like a self-proclaimed, what do you call yourself? A-oop-star? Oh, assort. That works, too. I wrote a bio, like, in 2014 that has been haunting me ever since. Is that what it's from? A hundred percent. Oh, my gosh. Self-proclaimed asshole. Is there anything more embarrassing than writing your own bio, by the way. I need to update that. I need AI to like fix it. Yeah, but then I get embarrassed because it always seems like I'm like bragging about myself. Like I hate seeing a bio in general. Yeah, no, they're all embarrassing, but more embarrassing

when you write them yourselves. I will be rewriting mine this evening. Okay. Do you want to help? Yeah. Okay. I got a lead with pop star. I am a fop star. Everyone forgets. Is it? What do you mean your pop star? I put out a pop song in the height of COVID when no one was putting music out. and I was able to chart because of such. And now I'm a pop star. I thought it was really funny at the time. Now it's very embarrassing. What was the song called?

Bitch. As it should be. A bitch. My husband is a music producer. We were locked up raw. I was like, wouldn't it be like amazing if I came out with a song? And he's like, no, that's really embarrassing. And I'm like, you're not doing anything, bitch.

So I made him write me a song and produced the song for me. And then like, you know, everyone is drinking during COVID. I would like slosh back a couple martinis. And I'm like, I think I'm. like the next Christina Aguilera like I who knew I had this talent

it's not bad it's embarrassing but it's not bad the production's stunning I'm obsessed yeah that was a real adflue I was like I'm so good

my husband had me auto tuned so when I put the headphones on and I was like let me like try some BV's background vocals and I was like I sound so good but then I didn't realize that I was fully auto tuned so then I was like we gotta get this on Instagram

I started like putting a camera out but it was just like my raw vocal because I was hearing the background and then it was just me being like bitch bitch and it's so bad and my husband I look over in his face and he's like wincing in pain and I'm like what

you're so intimidated by me so I just like to lead with that I like to drop that in that's so funny I too Dad was on the charts as a pop star. Shut the app. Made it number one. So did I. But like it's not a competition.

It is a competition. I'm so competitive. Me too. Okay. So we both win. Yeah. Both number one. I did go number 23 on Billboard charts, but that's just a whole other story.

For that song. Yeah. Is it a one hit wonder? You do other things. No, it's a one hit wonder. Are you going to leave it at that? Are you going to continue this? I have been begging.

My husband will not touch it with a 10 foot pole. I have to outsource. Blood Pop, Mark Bronsonson, somebody. So wait. Your husband's in the music biz. Yeah. How long have you guys been together? Twelve years.

Oh, my gosh. Why do I keep meeting people of beautiful love stories? I've been together for 12 years. We like each other. It's like not fun or cool. But you like each other and that's... We do. That's nice.

Yeah, we get along pretty well. He's obsessed with me. I could do without him. I want all of your confidence and energy. It's so good. I love it. No, it's so bad, Caitlin. No, it's terrible.

it's really not it's actually quite inspirational it's not of the times what do you mean by that i don't know i feel like it's like just like liking yourself isn't really cool anymore i feel like it's made a comeback in the more recent years but for a long time it's just like not that cool why because people think it's like cocky or something cocky and arrogant but it's funny because have you seen gen z they all love themselves yeah it's true yeah i'm not heard of gen z so like maybe that's why there's the disconnect that's Bailey had to tell me by the way everybody Bailey's in the peanut gallery over there again today. This morning, Bailey had to tell me that tucking my shirt in is millennial.

Oh. Like, I thought a little French tuck. I know I did the same thing. Yeah, French tuxuating because I just had a baby. You just had a baby? Not really. It was nine months ago, but I keep saying that because I just feel like it is a safety net. Nine months ago is not that long ago to have had a baby.

That's true. Thank you. First one. Yeah. Wow. How do you like being a mom? I like it sometimes. It's like you with your husband

I like him sometimes I wouldn't say that I like fully identify as a mother Okay Like I don't know if that's like I'm not gonna get a necklace That says mama For me personally or like a ring

Okay Or like a shirt Yeah Or anything I don't like any type of like Mom merch Okay That's not really my journey

What about matching outfits? No I don't think so But I think you'd have a strong opinion I have a strong opinion We do color coordinate Sometimes That's cute

Um, but I am obsessed with him. Yeah. Okay. Like, I'm obsessed with him. Clyde. Clyde. Clyde, yeah. Oh, I love that name.

Oh, that's adorable. Okay, so then you and your husband had been together for 12 years and were you like, maybe this is personal place. Okay. I figured. Were you like trying and it wasn't working or did you just decide on Nora? Was it a whoopsie baby? What happened?

No, it was pretty immediate. I was holding off as long as humanly possible. And I knew that my husband was going to be traveling a lot. So I was like, okay, we could start trying because I was like, oh, there's no fucking way. Yeah. There's like one day. And I took that pregnancy test and I was devastated. This is so, Nikki Glazer, we were just watching her.

Did you see her stand up on Netflix? No, I'm dying to watch it, though. I hear it's great. She just, you know, there's pushing the boundaries and then there's completely shoving them and down people's throats. And like, she does that. And I think it's so funny. Yeah. But she was saying how that is so typical.

There are people who... It's annoying. There's people who pray for children who it won't work out for them. And God's like, it seems a little desperate. Like, and then there's people who are like, I don't know, I guess we should try. And then it happens for them. That's so not fair. It's universal reverse psychology.

That's what I call it. Yes. Because I really, I mean, I genuinely in my heart was like, I need a couple dress for her. here. Right. I'm trying, like, wink, wink. I'm like, Andrea, got the app. Like, I wasn't checking that app. I was like, I just, I wasn't prepared. Right. And then, yeah. Wow. And I took pregnancy test through the entirety of my pregnancy because I'm like, there's no way. You're like, surely. Surely this is a joke. Totally. Yeah. My gosh. Okay. Let's rewind like a long time. I just like hearing people's journey sometimes of how you got to where you got to. Yeah. And I read, obviously,

that you were a college dropout. Oh, yes. Made it one day, community college. It's not get crazy. But yes, one day. One day. And you're like, you know, this isn't for me. I knew it wasn't for me.

I should have never even gone and done the thing, but I kind of had to. My parents made me. Not made me, but like, that's what you did. Yeah. You barely graduate high school and then you go to community college for a day. I hated it. Like so much. I was like, this is just not going to serve me in any way, shape, or form.

And I bet it wouldn't have if you stuck out with it. like no it would have just delayed things or like put you in debt a little bit totally and detoured me into god knows what like i was miserable i f***ed it yeah okay now this is so i've known you for about five minutes and this is so you you faked a diploma oh yeah very well i feel like this also something you would do i would totally do that very well and you know it was hard to do back in the day i used the paint app oh my god what is that it's like a a desktop paint app where I had to like drag and drop Google images. I mean, the resourcefulness and the craftsmanship is top tier.

There was no Canva. No, you had to like really like get crafty on this bit. Wow. I think there was also an element of like using a scanner where I would cut things. I would print a version of lots of different things. And then I was cutting and then I was taping. Then I was scanning. Then we were mailing.

Like there's a lot of things. Why did you go to this extent? Was it for your parents to be like, look, I have a diploma or what was it for? My parents knew that I had dropped out. It was to get a job. It was to get a job. Oh. Yeah. Like you got a job out of it. I mean, barely. But yes. I was a receptionist. I mean, it was hardly. Do they look at the diploma and go, oh, okay. Well, they did employment verification, which was something I had never heard of where they had to like, you know, on my resume I said that I graduated from UCLA with a degree in broadcast journalism. I was also like in a sorority and like did a lot of. philanthropic work. I just thought that they weren't going to check, and then they did check, and it was actually my job to check. So I just kept putting my shit on the bottom of the file, bottom of the file, and then I, yeah, crafted a diploma, which, like, looked pretty good, honestly. Innovation, honestly. And then you tried to get fired, but they wouldn't fire you? Well, I had heard, no, there was a girl, there was two girls before me that were receptionist and they got like a really sick severance package of like six months oh so you're like that sounds hello that's vacation to die for yeah they just wouldn't fire me it was like the craziest thing

i was the worst employee i would walk around with the bluetooth like not plugged in and i'd be like sorry i did nothing i just had to give people water and like schedule the conference rooms and do my employment verifications it was the best job ever by the way that's very funny that reminds me of this episode of Family Guy where Joan Rivers is like interviewing people on a red carpet. And then they're like, Joe, you're not even plugged in. Like, you're actually, you're not supposed to be here. Like that's it was made her out. That was you.

Fully. And people like, it was very odd to me. And even now it's very odd to me. People would always be like, well, what's next? Like, what are your dreams? What are your goals? And I'm like, I'm good. Don't eat them.

Like, totally chill being a receptionist. Like, I was fine with that. It wasn't like, God. one of these days I'm gonna break out of here and make it big like I was fine like I'm still fine people like what's next I'm nothing I'm good I was like I cares me universal reverse psychology if you act like you know care that's when it happens I don't know sounds good it did happen for you so not really I mean sort of I got really lucky really lucky I disagree maybe I agree with that for you I always disagree with that because I

I'm like, you're not lucky. You worked really hard for that. But I'm like, no, you are lucky. I got so lucky. There were four podcasts when I came out with a podcast. Four. There was maybe. Joe Rogan.

How many years have you been doing it? Ten? Ten years. Yeah, there were no shows. It was unbelievable. I was like, oh, my God, I'm charting. There was only four. You were like, I'm the top four.

Literally, there was no, there wasn't even categories when I started. There was no comedy. There was no video. There was, I made the artwork on the, paint app for the bitch file. How did you even know what a podcast was? Yeah. How did you start? Somebody came to me and was like, do you want to host a podcast? I was like, sure. Where? So I started like a really sad tragic blog while I was said receptionist and I used to write housewives recaps. And like, sad, but also people cared? Like 14 people. Like it was not a thing at all. I like did one housewives recap that got like picked up a little bit on Twitter and then. And this was the bitch Bible. Yeah. Okay. And then it got, someone published it on like, Alluremagine.com or something.

And then I got invited to be the bartender and watch what happens live. That's cool. And I wore a jumpsuit with the tags inside, set ahead food poisoning, flew to New York. And the production company was like, hey, we're starting a podcast network. Would you be interested in hosting a podcast? And I was like, sure. I mean, do you not see that you have the personality to be somebody? I don't know. I guess so. Like, I think I'm a hoot and a half, but like, I don't know. You are. You need to revive one of the housewife franchises here. Like, you live in L.A., right? Yeah, not with a gun to my head. Love you, but no, thank you. I'm good. I want to watch you on that because they're boring as.

I want to thank you. I'm good. I want to do a real housewives of Nashville and I want to be one. I heard that that was a possibility. Yeah, but I think they axed a bunch of it because of all some stuff was going down. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that. too you'd be good well do you have to be a housewife no not anymore okay okay none of them are housewives because i'm like i'm like my own housewife yeah that works yeah new york was a bunch of like single ladies women yeah can i tell you something yes funny about us yeah okay okay i don't think you're going to remember this i've been waiting to her on mike now we're warmed up a little bit oh no i was supposed to come on your podcast when like years and years and years ago okay i can't remember my social security number, but I remember this. I also can see the passion in your I was supposed to come on your podcast or you were supposed to come on my podcast. And at the time,

I called your boyfriend or fiance a budget Ryan Gosling and you canceled. I'm trying to think because obviously that was like seven years ago. Yeah. But I wonder, because first of all, I don't remember this. Yeah. But I don't think I would ever go, she called him a budget Ryan Gosling. I'm not doing her podcast. But I will say I was quite not. petty but like I was weird back in the day maybe highly sensitive to what people were saying but I remember because I think uh Stasi said something like talking mad shit about me on her podcast one time and then asked me to come on and I'm like no but now I love her and I was like oh I should have just gone on and by the way when you've been podcasting so long like there are so many things

that have done a complete 360 for me like people I talked ruthless shit about and now they're like, I'm like on vacation with them. I'm like, sorry. That was a long time ago. Same with Sossey. I started, I talked shit about Sassie so hard. I was like, she thinks she's Carrie Bradshaw because she knows what a Zara is.

Like, I literally said that about her. And then two months later, she came on my podcast and now she's a good friend of mine. Yeah. And I like love her. And I think it's so funny. Well, it's, it's probably like a maturity thing too where, do you know who Jared Freed is? Yes, of course.

He talked so much shit about me. And the whole, like, is it the bachelor or the, yeah, that whole podcast world? Like, there was a few that always said, like, that me and Jason were performative and they didn't like me and all this stuff. Like back seven, eight years ago, I would have been like, damn, I'm never talking to him. And I was like, bring them on my podcast. Totally. Because that ends up working out. And then you're like, yes.

It's resolution. Also, we need to reserve the right. Yeah. We need to reserve the right to just talk open shit. Yeah. And then apologize for it later. Like, we don't need to be tethered. to things we said so long ago.

Especially when we put ourselves out there and we realize like it's so easy to talk shit on people on The Bachelorette. I do it now. Like, oh my God, of course. Yeah, so I see it now from a different perspective and go, I get it now. I get it now.

Low-hanging fruit. It really is. Sometimes you're hungry and you just got to grab it. And it works. Yeah, exactly. I know. I get it now.

And I apologize for, I can't believe I canceled though. I know. Kind of baller. Love that. but were you like this not really i was like oopsie but that's not you i mean you could have said worse yeah i know oh my god for me on the richter scale that's like a 0.03 i was like oh jesus christ really because if somebody called me a a budget megan fox i'd be like thank you yeah a budget

ryan gosling is still a ryan gosling oh totally are you from new york no everyone thinks that. Why does everyone think that? I don't know. Maybe just my communication styling is a little bit more East Coast. I'm from L.A. You're from L.A.? Yeah. People ask me sometimes, which is so rude if I'm from New Jersey, which I don't love. Why? No offense to New Jersey. I just don't see myself in Jersey. I don't know. I only ever ask someone if they're from Jersey if they have an accent. Exactly. And I don't have an accent. I could see New York, though. Like, you definitely give like the like confidence like you of a new yorker yeah it's the confidence and like i feel like new york can chew you up and spit you out if you can't hang and i feel like you could hang

i can hang yeah so it feels like you give off the energy of like i've seen some shit and i've lived in new york oh i like that i'll take that like you've taken the subway your whole life kind of vibes oh i love yeah yeah yeah okay but i'll take it but l a i like suburbs like not really I know I said this yesterday on a podcast But I want Jackie on traitors Would you ever do that? No Of course not

Why? I like my life Like no I'm good I have a very private husband I'm shockingly a private person Do we have the same sunglasses? I also have it in my purse Hell yeah

But are yours the dupes? No Oh I'm pissed about it No I'm really irritated One of my best friends She got some on Amazon They look exactly the same

They even have the logo Amazon. I know. That's really annoying. That is annoying, but I will say that these start, like, not fitting my face after a while of using them. But I'll just get another one because they're 20 bucks. Exactly.

Fuck you. When you started your blog, what was it about? Just Real Housewives? No, it was so sad. I, thank God I took it off the internet, like seven years ago. I was just, I thought it was going to be, like, a rider. Even though I like. But did you always like writing?

Yes. I do like to. Right. So I just was like writing like really strongly worded like essays and lists and were you making money off this blog? No. Oh, oh cute. Zero. Okay. It was a hobby. Okay. It was a hobby. And it was, you know what's really diabolical? Is that I like learned how to code and I learned how to build a website? Not out of like, like, not because I'm like some like tech wizard because I had no money. So I couldn't like hire someone to make a website for me. So I was like, how do you buy a domain? And then I like bought it and then I like built it. This is why you don't need college because you can just figure it out on your own. is amazing. Google, YouTube tutorials. College is so overrated in my personal opinion. I didn't go. It's stupid. Look at me now. And look at

us. Yeah. Thriving. Foe foliage in front of cameras. Just talking shit for sport. It's amazing. It's amazing. Doesn't get better, guys. No, I just built this website and then it was private for a year. So I was just like publishing things, but I was the only person like

Why are we private? I don't know. It was just like testing the waters. I was embarrassed. So I just like did it for a year for no one. Like I was the only person that could visit the website, which is so weird. That is a bit weird. It's weird.

Yeah. Talk about performative. That's performative. It's weird. What made you go public? Because no one was ever. Like the delusion in my head like, oh, God, I don't want the kids from school seeing this. Like, no one was going to listen.

Like, no one was reading it. No one was metabolizing anything. Well, and then again, universe, reverse psychology jokes on you. People read it. Yeah, I wanted to, like, make sure I, like, kind of knew what I was doing. And then we did, like, hard launch. By we, I mean, just me, like, at the receptionist desk. And then it got, like, a little bit of traction.

Yeah. Like, barely any traction. Yeah. And then I was like, holy f***. I'm like, I've done it again, shimel. And it was nothing. I made no money from it. It was great.

But then you transitioned the blog into, like, social media and a podcast. Yeah, I mean, I had a podcast before I had, I didn't have Instagram, I didn't have Twitter, I didn't have anything, really. It was really random. Like, I got very lucky because there were no shows. And now 10 years later. 10 years deep, still kicking it, still hanging on for dear life. Please tell me you're not working for free anymore. No.

Okay, good. Oh, I would have retired. She's making money. Quite a long time ago. go yeah no the curtains would have closed the light sort of did i'd be long gone bow yeah bow i'm out yes okay and is it your favorite thing podcasting like yeah yeah yeah you like it more than mothering yeah oh my god by the way not a joke a hundred percent so much easier well yeah okay it's easier and more fun what's the hardest part about being a mom oh my god it's just it's it's

It's grueling. I'm not a patient person. Yeah. And I, you know, you're just stuck with him forever. So if he's crying, you're there. Yeah. If he's losing his shit. Yeah, you don't get a day off.

No. And like, even if you have help and I, I will be transparent, I have help. Yeah. You still feel like I still like want to go see him. I don't want to like go check up on him. Yeah. Which is crazy that I'm even saying. But not for the first three months.

First three months, totally glazed, couldn't be less interested. I was totally out. Were you postpartum depression? No. No. Just couldn't. Thank you for your honesty because I think a lot of, first of all, it's scary to be honest about how you're actually feeling because you know that there's women out there that

are like, I'm trying so hard to have a child and you are just blessed with one and you couldn't. Totally. And you probably have empathy for that, but you're sharing your personal experience and just being honest with how you felt. And a lot of people can connect with that too because I know a few people. who have had a baby and they got so scared because they weren't connecting to it right away that happens too like everybody's story's so different right and all we can be is honest yes exactly so i mean i could be like a real piece of shit i could also like mince and parse

every word that i say every sentiment i put out in the universe to accommodate what i think is likable or relatable or empathetic or i can just be honest yes um my favorite kind of person So that's all I know how to do. And for the first three months, I was not sad. I was not postpartum. I was just a little detached from the process. I was, everything felt like very overwhelming. Just even like knowing how to pick him up was overwhelming.

My mom has passed. People think it's supposed to come easily to you. Yeah. I'm sorry about your mom. That's okay. But that is also a part. Like I didn't have like help. Yeah.

Like maternal help. So I was very. confused by the entire procedure. Yeah. Assignment. The assignment. Like I was just very confused and when he would start crying and I was like, what do we do? Like I just, I kind of would go hands off deck. Like I just couldn't workshop how to fix it. Which is interesting for you because I feel like you can figure anything out. I have felt that way previously. And I don't run nervous at all. I'm not a nervous person.

which I think people would be surprised by, like, I'm really, I'm built for disaster in certain ways. Like, I don't lose my shit easily. But with, like, a crying baby, it's, it's very difficult. Yeah. And you feel very tethered to the home, which I hate. You just feel tethered in general and lost. Yeah.

And then it's just, the kinks work themselves out. Yeah. Now we're, like, kind of in a fun zone. But, you know, he's still, like, annoying sometimes. I feel like you're going to love, like, a five-year-old. And then, like, when he's. Like 13. Oh, I'm ready to fumble.

Yeah. See? Totally. I like live for a baby phase and I love a toddler and I'm terrified of a teen. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're the opposite. I'm like excited for him to like develop into a little monster, which is happening rapidly,

unfortunately. I would love to see you at a grocery store with him and I'd just be like the person in line watching you like. Oh, he throws things. He hisses at people, which is kind of, he hisses. He hisses. That's my favorite thing. He goes, and I'm like, that's my son.

That's my baby. Not talking or crawling, but he hisses. So, you. See it, people. I die. That's amazing. Yeah. Do you think that your, like, content or your perspective or what you do with your work

now is shifted at all since having a kid? No. No. Not really. And it's so funny because people are like, guess wait. Just wait. Till you have a baby. You'll be more mindful.

It's completely the opposite. You're like, what are you going to do when you get older? I'm going to be like, um, you're, Welcome? Like, what do you mean? Like, I don't care. Like, I'm not embarrassed. I don't, they're, like, I know exactly what I'm saying. It's very, not really intentional. But, like, I'm being honest. I do not care. Yeah. And what is your husband like as a dad? So sweet. Is he? The sweetest, like, so maternal. Is he? He's, like, the lovingest, like, sweetest, patient, nervous. Aw. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's usually how it works in relationships. that's crazy okay so he and has he always been like that yeah okay so having a kid didn't like turn the beat around for him no not at all oh yeah he's really good at it it's annoying i feel really stupid asking because i can't remember if i asked you this but how did you guys meet we met like at a bar oh just randomly

yeah old school my friend went to college with him yeah good for them losers um and introduced us yeah oh my gosh oh that's cute cute and boring no i like cute and boring no i like cute and boring though. I think that's nice. It works. What advice would you give to aspiring podcasters and bloggers who... I thought you're going to say pop stars? That too. I don't know why I thought that was what you were going to say. What advice would you get to aspiring

pop stars as one yourself? You know, it's hard out there. The music industry is a slippery slope and just don't get blinded by the lights. My advice to people who want to get into podcasting, don't. It's too late. Yeah. Thank you.

What's coming up next? It's Too late. I don't say that as a hater. Okay, I say that as a realist. I'm looking into the camera because I really want this to connect. She means this. I really mean this from like the bottom of my vagina. Don't do it. It's too late. It's oversaturated

unless you have a pre-existing platform that's really going to pop off. And even then, sometimes it doesn't translate. It's a losing game. You're not going to make money. If you want a hobby, go for it. If you want to make money, sell leggings or essential oils or something. That's

really too late. Essential oils. I was like, that's definitely too late. Yeah. You're better, honestly better off. Oh, so what do you think the next thing is going to be? I don't know. People like jumped on the ticotty talks. I mean, I'm so glad I didn't partake in that. You never should invest time into something, into a portal where you don't own your intellectual property. That's what my mission statement has always been. Like, you, like, TikTok could get banned. What the fuck are those how's going to do? I don't know.

know. What are they going to do? I don't know. Do you own your IP on only fans? Because they could go there. What about if they have just as good a following on Instagram? I, once again, I don't think it's smart to invest like a ton of time in an IP that you don't own. Like, you don't own the rights to Instagram. I've been kicked off Instagram three times, so I've never like heavily invested in it. But, you know, get your cash. Yeah. Invest. Yeah. Be smart. I don't know where this is coming from like I'm a full-blown idiot and I like it sounds good it actually is very smart and if I looked over at Bailey and she was like smart that is smart right okay last night my this is so lame I'm so Canadian last night my Edmonton oilers were playing in the playoffs

against our two home teams were battling okay I was so fired up that I didn't even sleep properly in my aura ring this morning was like did something happen last night to you Oh, my God. Because I took mine off and I'm feeling really lost without it. Yeah. Guess what my sleep score was last night? 82. Try again.

64. Try again. 42. 95. 95. 90. I've never even seen that number and I'm a good sleeper. I'm going to screenshot it and send it to you because I'm proof.

I don't know. You didn't toss. You didn't turn. You didn't wake up. I don't know. I'm like, did I die? Did I go into a coma? I've never seen that sleep score before.

Yeah, 95. That's optimal. I like, I gasped. Yeah. Because I still woke up and I felt like tired. And I was like, really? But did it? What was your readiness, though?

Ninety-two. What? I know. I should be ready to take on the world and I like feel like I'm operating at 33% still. Do you think aura ring lies to us? Yes. But why does it know when I get my period? Oh, it does?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I mean, I've just convinced myself it's a line. Like, this can't be true. Okay. But we'll see. I have a game for you. Oh, okay.

Love games. Since you're into pop culture, I thought we could play a little pop culture game. We're going to revisit some iconic moments from pop culture history and then get your take on them. Great. Oh, good. We're all going into this wine. Nothing about pop culture, which is my favorite thing. Really?

I don't know anything about pop culture. Like, I know, like, Britney Spears isn't okay right now. No, we off-reader. We got way too emboldened. I feel a little bit, like, responsible. We should. Yeah. Blood is on our hands.

We all should feel responsible. We, like, really pioneered a movement that we didn't have proper intel about, and I'm worried about it. That's why we don't trust what we see on the internet. No. We all have too much, like, too much free reign. Okay. Well, speaking to Britney Spears. Okay.

Her head shaving incident. I totally get it. Hindsight being 2020. You know, she was taking control of her life. Yeah. She wanted to just, you know, free herself. The outfit choice, like, if you're going to shave your head, I would go. with maybe like a little...

Like a turtle neck? I don't know, something that just like frames the face a little bit more. I believe she was in like a gray zip-up hoodie with boxer shorts and ugs, which was pretty part for the course. That's very trendy right now. Yeah, like I feel like Bailey would wear that... Boxer shorts are in. I would wear that whole outfit right now.

It's all very cyclical. We're all going to shave our heads after this. Hello. Boxer shorts, baby. I am on the verge of shaving my head too. Me too. Isn't it funny that you see the memes like the older we get, the more we understand Britney's is shaving her head and having a breakdown?

Oh, 100%. I get it. I get it. Yeah, I think not as crazy as it, like, was digested at the time. Like, I feel like, the crazy part was her smashing windows with an umbrella. Yeah. The crazy part was how society treated her, like, genuinely. If we're being serious and getting down to the bottom of it, how her family treated her. All the things. All the things. Like, I totally understand why she would have a mental breakdown. Oh, yeah. That must feel so crazy to shave your head.

Oh, I must feel amazing. Yeah. Like, can you even? Just like, I, like, lust for it. Except, what do you think your husband would do if you just came home with a shaved head? He'd be like, I already know. He'd be like, honey, like, he would pretend to like it. He'd pretend to like it.

But then he'd be, like, making some side calls, but being like, this bitch has lost our mind. But he'd be, like, scared. So he would just, like, you know, navigate it probably. Is his personality, like, I know you said private, but, like, is, can he keep up with your humor? and everything? Yes. Oh, amazing. He has the best sense of humor.

I always joke that he's like not funny, but he has a great sense of humor. Really? But he is really funny. He has like a really dark, f***ed up twisted sense of humor. He's like quiet so people don't know that about him, but he's like, loki, such a dick. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. I like when people like are a little more reserved but then have this dark humor.

That's, yeah, he's very reserved. Yeah. But like in the confines of our own home with our people, like he's a real asshole. I love it. In a good way. In a good way, yeah. I love that. Okay, what about Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift now, seeing where Taylor's at?

Like, what was your take on that? I thought it was rude, inappropriate. Kanye is an asshole. He was an asshole. He's an asshole. He's always going to be a fucking asshole. I think, I wish for Taylor and obviously, like, you know, with growth, I think that now she would handle it very differently. And it's not on her to do this.

It's totally his fault because I don't want the Swift to be. he's coming after me and I love Taylor Swift. I wish she would have just like gave it to me. I know. Been like sit the down and let me say my goddamn speech sir. Could you imagine? I would have

like I would have short-circuited. I would like to see it now. Me too. I feel like she would do this today. What do you think about her writing the thank you Amy song that's clearly to Kim? Like do you think because I always feel like she's so above these things but like she made

it's so obvious it was about Kim where usually she's a little more subtle. I don't think she's above it. I think she just will always do it through her music. Yeah. I think she's very strategic. It's very strategic. Yeah. I like when celebrities get petty. Same. Oh, I do too. I think it humanizes them. Yes. I think it's tangible.

I think it's relatable. I do too. And like, let's get petty. Sometimes it's funny. I live for a petty moment. And it feels good. I don't care if it just feels good temporarily either. It feels good. And don't you think it takes, like, I think the song is so funny because it's obviously

very petty and it's about Kim Kardashian, but I think it like actually diffuses the situation. I feel like petty shit makes it less serious. That's true. That's true. That's like my warped view on things. But I think it's just like kind of funny and stupid. Oh my God, I forgot about this. Remember Kim Kardashian's champagne booty that broke the internet? Yeah. Remember that? Paper magazine. Paper magazine. Yeah. I think. Um, you know, it's very Kim Kardashian. I loved it. I liked it.

I honestly just don't think it was that internet breakworthy. Me either. But it did, right? It did. But I'm just like... You're like, why? Yeah, I don't get why that broke the internet. I think of all the things.

Like, that was tame. I mean, she... I think it broke the internet because I think everybody was trying to recreate the photo. So then it was, like, funny, like, Seth Rogan or something, like trying to recreate it. I don't know. I could not balance, I mean, nothing on this ass. Mackies would be her boobs. My boobs.

But no, it would have to be the under boom, because it's flat. You know, oh my God, you would have to put the stem of a champagne glass. I could do that easy. Under that, lay sideways. And be like, bottoms up. Brad Pitt cheating on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. Devastating. And a mistake.

Did you lose hope and love? Not exactly. Oh, me either. Not really. But devastating. And I bet that that is one of the greatest regrets of his life. Yeah. And I love that for her.

Yeah. I love that for her, too. Yeah. What about the phenomenon of Tiger King? Oh, see, I blocked all of that out because I watched it during COVID. I blocked everything that I consumed during COVID. I can't listen to Savage. I'm a Savage. Oh, yeah, I get that.

I can't listen to it. I literally, it transports me back in time. I'm the same way with, um, blinded by the lights. Yes. Flying lights. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Weekend.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't, same thing. Can't do it. That's funny how we're also. And don't you think we all blacked out like three years of our lives? One thousand percent. I like, thank God, did you podcast during COVID? Yeah. Okay, same. Yeah. And I really like, I loved every second of it. I was like, this is my moment, bitches. I don't have guests. Like, I was. Finally, the star of the show. So stoked. And I created so many issues for myself just internally like I this is so

I said I wasn't going to talk about this anymore I found out that my neighbor had lost her arm during COVID yeah and like just from COVID no oh just during COVID one day just lost her arm she just didn't have an arm one day and I was like what the when did this happen did we not notice it became like a whole murder mystery in my house yeah because you're so bored you're locked up raw in COVID yeah so I started like really going to the depths of my creativity being like, what happened? Maybe she was doing yard work and then she got severed. Like I started thinking

of all these things. During COVID, I was really into throwing my husband's things into her yard because I thought that was funny. We'd get in fights. I'd spark a fight. I'd have a couple martinis. We'd play Yotsie. I'd throw the dice over into her yard and then I'd make my husband go retrieve his things from the neighbor. I want to like be married

to you. No, you don't. I do. Okay. So then you'd have to go over and get them? So you'd have to go over. He's like, Jackie, don't. And I'm like, what'd you say? And it was just the only way I could keep myself entertained so one day he goes over to my neighbor okay she comes to the door she has one arm terrible okay so now i'm imagining her digging his shoes out of her yard with one arm Andrew comes home he's like um Jackie you need to stop throwing things into Cheryl's yard she doesn't have an arm anymore and I'm like what like did she not have an arm before COVID like what happened

like this whole thing started talking about you figured out the mystery no never did never did but then I really started losing my mind because one day I was outside and I saw her reaching, this is, your listeners will love this, reaching for a box with two hands. I thought there was a little, I thought there was like a jazz hand element. Like I saw the phalanjis move. And then I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. What the fuck is going on like this.

And I talked about it every single week on my podcast for months and months and months and months. Then, you know, COVID ends gets a little awkward when you run into Cheryl. We had to move. We did move. Thank God. You moved because of. Cheryl's one arm?

No, but it was a good, it was a good, like, jumping point to find a home. You know what I mean? I'm like, we gotta get out of here. Like, shit's gotten real. It's awkward. I have now extorted this poor woman

for a year and a half. I was like, and Cheryl updates using a real name. Yeah, we never know. We'll never know. Do you think Cheryl listened to the podcast? No, but like, you know. But like, you know.

Someone who knows Cheryl didn't tell Cheryl. It's kind of, when you name the puppy and you say she's missing an arm, it really narrows it down. Pretty niche. It's micro niche shit, okay? So it wasn't great. I thought the world was, I think. I was like, anything goes. You know what I?

And I would, like, walk outside. I'm like, all in bitch Bible merch. Like, it's not great. It wasn't great for us. And it was just painfully specific. So I don't really know. why I'm talking about that. Well, I would really like to know, like, I feel like between my listeners and yours, we can

solve this mystery. I mean, maybe she never had, maybe I just never noticed. And then that really made me. But then why was her two hands reaching? prosthetic. Oh, I thought you said you saw the phalanjis move. That's what I thought. But I was also out of my mind.

It was COVID. Who knows? I was like a hamster in a cage. That's true. I could have hallucinated the whole thing. I don't know if there's a Cheryl. Maybe not. A plot twist.

A plot twist. No, Cheryl. Like, I'm like full, what's the guy's name and beautiful mind? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm schizophrenic. Yeah. Or I'm thinking, what's that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio? Inception?

Nope, the one where he. Shutter Island. Yeah. That's me. Yeah. Shutter Island. That's you. Yeah.

Literally looking through the shutters of my home at Cheryl. Yeah. Do you think Leo could fit on the raft? 1,000%. Yeah. Okay. 1,000%. Last question.

do you think Carol Baskin fed her husband to the Tigers? Yes. You really believe that? Kind of. I don't. I kind of do. No, I'll tell you why.

Do you see her? Yeah, I was on Dancing with Stars with her. Became friends with her. I forgot about it. Oh. Okay, well then now I trust you. I wanted to hug her because I think that really f***er up because I think that's a show that will want to make you believe

whatever they want you to believe. It's reality television shows. It's a documentary and I think they wanted you to believe that because that made people talk about it so much and I really don't think she did. And I think it destroyed her life. Or, or she fed him to the tigers and that destroyed her life. And now she lives with crippling guilt.

She can barely look herself in the mirror every morning. Or that. Or that. Or that, for sure. Okay. Just good to, like, you know, play out both options. Way out all of our options. Wait, what pop culture moment, like, currently are you most fixated on?

Yeah. Oh. I mean, Jojo Siwa has really taken me on a journey. What is your take on that? I have gone all the way around where now I'm obsessed with her. I was like, what, this bitch is fucking nuts. And now I'm like just with her. I'm just riding with her.

You are? Yeah. Like, are most people riding the wave with her? Or are they still like that? I don't think so. I think they still think it's. I think people are riding the wave two watch. It's bad shit, but I'm, I'm supporting Jojo Siwa. Do you think she knows it's bad shit and that people are talking about her?

And so she keeps. She comes from the mind. frame of like keep tacking shit you're making me famous thanks to the downloads yeah which is fine it's not it's not great but i can support her in that okay also really obsessed with um like jessica beel on ticot oh yeah what's she doing on there it's not great but it's i love like really niche like faux quirky energy on social media yeah yeah and it's like what's in my bag like i don't know how this got in here but like it's not really funny or entertaining but like love it obsessed oh funny very niche very niche also beverly mitchell a star obsessed with beverly mitchell

she was on seventh heaven oh my god okay yes i know you're talking about when i tell you no joke people say dream guest dream guest beverly mitchell it is beverly mitchell i've offered her money oh yeah she will not come on my podcast is she just too private of a life now like i don't know i'm just obsessed i'm fascinated by beverly mitchell but why i can't explain it what about um gypsy rose stuff gypsy rose love her glow up I'm very fascinated by how she's like navigating social media because you know she took a break for a while she's like didn't want to be a part of it but now she's like hard launch the rhinoplasty which is exciting I do feel like the hair color is living a little 2012 yeah I'd like her to see like you know a blonde specialist and just like really dial it up like maybe do like a honey blonde you know the honey blonde yeah it's a little it's a little chunky it's a little a little box bleach job so we got a work on that but like I'm enjoying her exploring okay yeah okay those are your those are my things okay I want to keep talking I don't want us to be over wait I have a question for you okay okay I watched

your season yeah of the bachelorette yeah and I have never seen or heard of anyone else that has the crippling bird phobia oh it's very no but it's very no no I always tell people it is so real. I have had it my entire life. Oh, you have it too. If there was a bird in here right now, I would freak out. Oh, I would shit. If there's a cockroach or a mouse, I'd go, oh, that sucks, but if there's a bird,

if there's a snake curled up in that corner, I'd be like, holy there's a snake. But a bird, I would run out to the smallest type of bird. Any bird. Are you afraid? Okay, so I have a weird thing when I see a bird, I cover my ears. I don't want the thought of them touching my

ear or my foot. Like, I I have safe shoes. So when I'm outside, like a clothes, like a sneaker. Look at me. I'm getting body chills. It's any part of my body I feel that way, though. Same. Like a pigeon, I'm actually less afraid of the bigger birds, still terrified.

But like a crow is less scary to me. Cros are terrifying. But they dive. Bomb you. They do dive bomb, but they move slower. I don't care how slow or fast you move if you're a bird. What do you do in Europe? Freak out.

I scream. Me too. Me too. Do you remember that episode? That's a long time ago. I was like I was behind Nick and I was like this to him and he was like what the hell and we were trying to walk through a park and I was like and people think it's like a bit a bit and I'm like what a terrible bit stupid bit it's a crippling fear it is I'm so like something comes

over my whole body where I like almost feel sick and overheated at a bird I like I jump out of my skin like I can't it's like I have to just get away yeah I have to the thought of them like by my feet by my ears the flapping sound like the flapping is what sends me me too yeah would you be less afraid if they didn't fly yes same yes it is the flying it's the flapping it's the flapping it's unpredictable yeah they're so oh my god they're ruthless they don't give about you full chest rush yeah i'm actually a little itchy yeah no i can't like i'm terrified i went to hypnosis therapy it didn't work i've thought about doing that it doesn't work but then i'm so scared of them doing exposure therapy i won't do that did they make you like listen to birds

sounds um no they didn't it was just like it it really didn't work it was like they kind of just put you in a trance and like make you think about it but like i'm not doing exposure therapy i sit outside no i went to europe recently and i like got invited to this fashion show that i totally did not belong at it was like a pity invite and i it was at the louvre in paris whoa and i there's so many pigeons so many pigeons there and they didn't and they like are feeding them and like bringing them in and around. Disgusting. Yeah, yeah. Disgusting. Yeah. And if you go to Paris, I have Routes, pigeon-free routes. Oh, cool. I actually am going there for my birthday next month. So I'll take this. I literally know the streets where there are less pigeons and like back roads because like those main streets,

too many pigeons. And I kept asking the PR girl. I'm like, well, what time it, like, when is it? Because they don't give you the invitation until you actually physically get there. And I was like, I'm not going to go. If it's during the day and it's outside, like, I can't go. Yeah. Because I will create a, scene. Yeah, one pigeon is by, like, I wouldn't be able to sit there. No, I can't, and I can't stay calm and, like, I gasp, I scream. Oh, yeah, no, same. Like, I would not ever be able to sit in any situation. I get embarrassed, too. Like, I was just in New York the other day walking on the street, and a pigeon, like, flew by me, and I screamed so loud. Oh, yeah. And people are like, oh, walking this morning to the beach, and you screamed, and I was like, what's

happening? You're like, oh, I just thought that crow was going to dive on me. Yeah, and you see a crow. It's so embarrassing. Like, I really, I really, realize like it's tweaky too like I get like very like yeah yeah no oh my god I'm glad we share that fear we do yeah yeah okay we have that in common oh let's we're gonna end on a high note there yeah yeah wow we are the same person you and I mm-hmm that's crazy yeah I've only I mean once in all people DM me and be like I too have a fear of birds but I feel like I don't believe them because I'm like you feel like being afraid that the bird's gonna like shit on you is not the same thing it's not the same like I can't I have nightmares about birds

Yeah. One time, so I just bought a new house. Two months into being at my new house, birds were covering my whole front lawn and in the trees, but it's never happened since. Okay. I have a solution for you because the same thing happened to me when I moved into my house. Well, yes, that and hawks, owls. I have all of that. Oh, like fake ones outside. No, no, no. I have real ones. But literally, they like live in my trees. It's so scary. I bought. At bare minimum, 50 disco balls from Amazon. And I had them in all of my trees, which is also kind of a vibe. Oh, I love that. Yeah. They don't like that.

Well, it worked for temporarily. They came back, but it does work. They don't like the reflection. Oh. Interesting. Yeah. I have so many trees in my backyard. Disco ball it up, baby.

Yeah. Party bards all the time. Yeah, that sounds nice. My backyard's my little oasis, so that's great. Wow. Thank you so much. Tell everybody where they can find you. My podcast is The Bitch Bible.

It comes out on Tuesdays. You can listen to it everywhere. And I'm on Instagram at Jackie Schimmel. Amazing. Thank you so much for coming. That was so fun. Very fun. That's really fun.

I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. Thank you.