Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - James ‘Murr’ Murray

Episode Date: July 28, 2020

Kaitlyn is joined this week by writer, producer and member of the iconic hidden-camera series Impractical Jokers, James ‘Murr’ Murray! He explains how Impractical Jokers came into the world, how they were able to release their movie right before the pandemic and a new game show he’s on called The Misery Index. Later, he talks about his new book, Obliteration, tells an embarrassing fart story and ranks real life confessions on the misery index! GEICO – Go to geico.com , and in fifteen minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance MERCARI – Check out Mercari on the app stores or on Mercari.com . BREYERS – To find out more about Breyers CarbSmart click here: https://www.breyers.com/us/en/products/carbsmart.html  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. go to audible.ca slash jane austin to dive in this week's off the vine is sponsored by geico go to guyco.com and in 15 minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance extra money in your pocket

it could just be the most rewarding to do you do today mercari mercari is an app you can use to sell the stuff mercari makes it fast and easy for anyone to sell and earn some extra cash take a few picks out of description set of price and boom your item is listed So if you have things you don't use, sell them, ship them, and get paid. Check out Mercari on the app stores or on Mercari.com. And Briars, try Briars Carb Smart for your next sweet tooth craving available at all major retailers, Walmart, Target, Kroger, Amazon Fresh, etc. Go to briars.com slash Vine to get a coupon to try it out today. Caitlin Bristow, Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves.

Get ready for lots of laughs, tabby topics, on filtered advice, and wine. Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Today on the podcast, I have one of the four members of the tenderloins who you likely know from the hidden camera reality game show in practical jokers. In addition to being one of our favorite comedians, he is also a popular author,

and last month he released a thrilling horror novel to finish out the Awakened Trilogy. He's here today to talk all about his career, both in comedy and his new book, which I'm very excited to hear about. So please enjoy this next hour with James Murray, aka Mur. So I have to admit, I am very excited to talk to you because I've been a longtime fan of Impractical Jokers. Wow, thank you. Yeah, it usually like is something I put on like when I crawl into bed and I'm like, oh, put on something to fall asleep and then I don't fall asleep because I'm laughing so hard. And I've tweeted you guys as a fan like such a loser so many times being like, hey, like can I come on and can we do like a bit? And nobody responds to me. We've never written back. Well, I feel like maybe Joe has because I think his wife was like a bachelor fan. Yes. I'm going to tweet you.

right now. Stop it. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to tweet you right now saying that, yes, you can come on the show and do a bit of this, okay? I was talking to Joey Fetone the other day, saying, like, because he gets to be such a big part of the show. And I was like, what the hell? How do I get a job like that?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't see the tweets. I would have written back if it did. As soon as my fiancee found out that I was doing this podcast tonight, she lost her mind, by the way. Really? She's a massive bachelor and bachelor.

fan and freaked out and so there you go so just like i'm sure joe's wife freaked out too so that's awesome well i love that because our two worlds are colliding the bachelor and impractical jokers i feel like so many people that are like follow me and i tweeted out that i was going to be doing a podcast with you and everyone's like my two favorite worlds colliding because everyone loves that's great that's so freaking good i always want to know to like i'm sure you get asked this all the time it's probably like the number one question but now that you guys are like known and people know the show. Do people just recognize you all the time now when you're like trying to fool them? It happens, but remember, you're only seeing one of us, right? So, like, if you walk into a,

you know, supermarket and you see one of us behind the counter, ring you up, if you saw all four of us, you'd be like, oh my God, those are the guys from Jokers. If you see one of us, you're like, is that the mechanic that I used to, you know, is that the, is that the guy that was in the pharmacy at CPS? Like, we kind of look familiar, but not enough to really remember. You know what I mean? we look like the kind of guys you settle for you know like like you could have been my mechanic but i also could have seen you on tv somehow that's actually funny because that happens to me sometimes if people have seen me on the bachelor bachelor bachelor's they'll be like how do i know you like have we met before and that happens so that makes sense i never even thought of that because yeah if i saw you

all four together well i mean i i feel like i would recognize you if you're behind a counter or something but the funny the funny thing is when people screw up screw up how they know us and what they eventually remember they'll go like oh you're on that show right the show i swear i've heard this so many times you're in the show with the three dicks right yeah i'm on the show with the three dicks that's right that happens to you a lot like more than a handful of times so many times oh my gosh that's so funny case so for people who are listening who don't know how you guys have all come together can you explain like a little bit about how the show started and how you guys all know each other the guys and i are best friends we met um when we were 13 years old in high school and uh became literally

we met the first day of high school right i remember meeting joe distinctly we were in religion class and miss fiducian was teaching religion class and you know joe has a pretty big nose right so as you would walk up and down the aisle he would secretly drop his nose on her elbow. She had no idea. She's teaching the beatitudes or whatever she's teaching. It was so funny. And we became friends, all of us and did improv together in high school. And then after college, we formed a comedy troupe and did improv together then and sketch comedy. And it took us 11 years to sell impractical jokes, 11 years. Really? 11 years? Yep. Yep. Yeah, we tried other shows and they didn't go. We sold two other pilots to different networks that they didn't go.

and then we came up with the idea for jokers and three times a charm finally so it was like an 11 year overnight success story that's so cool that must be like so rewarding to work that hard or go 11 years like what made you not give up and keep going to 11 years uh we did we had ups and downs and sometimes we would stop and there's like a two-year gap in the middle we're like screw it it's not going to work and we always just we always just found our way back to each other that's so sweet And you all live in the same city now, right, in New York, or like around New York? We all grew up in Ston Island, but we all kind of have spread out since then. So Joe's in Long Island, Q and Salas still live in Ston Island.

I was in Manhattan for a long, long time, and just moved to Princeton with New Jersey with my fiancee about eight, nine months ago. Oh, awesome. How did you and your fiancé, me? Oh, one of your book signings, right? We did. You're ready for this? This is going to blow your mind.

I was just talking about this. the other day to my friends, I was like, we were like, could you imagine? Oh, oh, to Darren, my co-writer, my books. He's, he, three years ago when I met him, he was in a long-term relationship with somebody else for like 20 years, but they had no kids weren't married and he had a cat and that's lived in the UK. Three years later, he has a baby, a new wife, lives in Toronto, like total upside down world life. Three years ago, I was living in Manhattan, you know, consummate, bachelor in relationship into relationship relationship none of them were sticking had no intentions of ever getting married or ever ever having children and then him and i wrote wrote a book together

then he met his wife through the joker's cruise he was on our impractual joker's cruise that a few months later i met my now soon-to-be wife uh at my book log she came to the after party of the first book awakened and we we hit it off at the party And I went back to my apartment that night with some of my friends. And I said to them, I was like, did you see that girl at the party that I was talking to? Oh my God, she was gorgeous. I can't believe it. And I said to her, I was like if she was dating a guy at the time, they were at the end of their relationship.

I said, if you're ever not dating him, you'll let me know. Three months later, she broke up with him a week later. Three months later, she finally let me know. We started dating shortly thereafter and here we know. Yeah. That's amazing. I love the how people met stories. I think that's so cute. Was she a fan of the books?

Like, why was she at the book thing? She was a fan of me. Oh, that's so cute. Yeah, she was a fan of me. It's always having a party that night and said, hey, why don't we go by? And she happened to be in Manhattan. She's from Philadelphia. And I'm like, think of all the things that had to go exactly according to that plan for that to happen.

Right? I mean, if we chose a different venue to do the party at, If we decided not to do an after party, if we only did one after party instead of two nights in a row, if we, if she didn't come into Manhattan the day, if there was traffic and they said, oh, screw it. Like, so many things. I know. That's why. Little decisions along the way. That's so crazy, too, because, I mean, I'm just such a believer in timing, but that same thing happened for me and my boyfriend.

Like, I was not planning on meeting anybody. I just got out of a relationship. I was going to do a podcast with him, but I was like, too, like, mopey about this breakup. I didn't really want to go do it. He had, like, a sty in his eye, and he was like, I could show up the stye in my house. And we were both, like, trying to find excuses to not do this podcast together. And then we both just decided to do it. And I was actually almost missed my flight because I was just running so behind it.

I was like, I should just tell him, I can't do it. And then we both battled and we did it. And now we've been dating for almost two years. See? There you go. That's interesting. I love it. If it wasn't for the sty in that eye, you know.

Right? And then it gave him a little bit of confidence after I saw him on with the sty and still found him attractive. So then he was like, wow. Sure. You've seen him at his worst, basically. Well, not his entire, but you know, pretty darn bad. That's the sky.

It was pretty disgusting. So, yeah, seen him at his worst. That's funny. I've got a question. Did you know that right now, Geico is offering an extra 15% credit on car motorcycle and RV policies, that's 15% on top of the money, GEICO could already save you.

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to switch to GEICO. Save an extra 15% when you switch by October 7th. Visit GEICO.com to learn more. Okay, you released a movie. the impractical joker's movie right yes we were just crying like joe and his wife came over yesterday we were in the pool and stuff and uh we were crying laughing at this realization so we were i think the last movie to come out in movie theaters before everything shut down like i think we were i think we were the last we were only in theaters for two weeks before every theater shut down so

in i think it's a blessing i was like shoot we got two weeks in theaters that was a amazing. And we had an amazing two weeks. The movie did well. It kind of exceeded expectations. The fan base came out in droves to see it. Yeah. And it occurred to us a couple of things. First, because we're like the last movie to come out in 2020, we might be the highest gross in comedy of 2020 by forfeit, by forfeit, right? Because there's nothing else coming out. And then second, there was only a month and a half of movies coming out before everything shut down. So we, when the Academy Awards come around in January, we might win like 12 Academy Awards because there's no competition.

And we were crying laughing at us winning, the possibility of us winning like best foreign film, best film, best actor, best supporting actors, best animated feature. We win every day. Best music. Because there's no competition, best musical. That's amazing. Hey, you know what? Movies usually drop up after like two weeks anyways.

So you guys like got in, you did the movie theater thing, but now can you like, can we find it somewhere like on TV? Is it on like HBO Max or something? It's everywhere. We got permission. This is hard to wrangle, but we got permission to get out of the movie theater deal early because the world shut down. And they let us release it streaming of a full month and a half earlier than it was supposed to, the distributors. You know, so we then, so now we can get it anywhere, Amazon Prime, Netflix. not Netflix, you know, Apple, what is it?

You know, whatever, anywhere, Apple TV, Roku. Okay, I'm going to watch that tonight. I actually, until I was doing this research, it's funny because I'm like, such a fan. And then I was like, wait, they have a movie? Yeah, the movie, that when you watch the movie, keep in mind the punishment at the end of the movie is real. Okay.

Okay. But don't, I want to ask who gets the punishment, but I don't want to spoil it. I won't spoil it, but whoever did it, and it is real, what you see. It's not stuntman. There's no green screen. Keep in mind that we took a $15 million life insurance policy out on the guy in case he died doing it. Oh my gosh. Kay, when in situations like that, are you not terrified that something like that could happen? Like with the, what was it, an alligator or crocodile? Like, was that not the most terrifying thing in the world when you're like,

okay, we had to sign this because that could happen? It was. Yeah, it's the movie's the worst of it. You'll see when you watch it. The movie is the worst of it. We had to film the punishment for the movie on the final day of production because the only way insurance would cover the movie is if that was the final day, that way if the guy died doing it, they still had the entire movie done. It was already in the can. They could still make the money back a release in the movie. And we probably would have made more money if you died doing it. Seriously. My God, that's insane. I always wonder like the behind the scenes of everything you guys do like how what kind of contracts you have to sign and like when you when you run into people

and like do something and do your little bit they have do they have to sign something after like do you have to go back and then tell them like hey by the way this was like a thing or do they just go on with their day and being like what just happened no we we have to get their permission after yeah so to this day we're in season nine of jokers 230 episodes in to this day we're still trying to convince strangers who don't know who we are to be on television. It's as hard as it was 10 years ago when we started. Yeah, because people are all, you know, about convenience and everyone's in a rush going places and the last thing they want to do is like sit and sign a contract. But I would be like, yes, absolutely. That is amazing. I was always hoping I'd be like

randomly in New York and you guys wouldn't know who I was and I would be like play along and be like, yeah, I'll sign and like you guys wouldn't know. That wouldn't happen though. Now, I already told you We're putting you on the show. As soon as we're done with this podcast, you'll see a tweet from me, I swear, saying, come on and be on the show. Okay, well, that makes me very happy. And you can't take it back now because we're recording.

I can't, I can't, nor will I take it back. Okay, I am holding you to that. Okay, now tell me also about the Misery Index on TBS that you're starring in, right? Yep, that's our... Tell me all about it. The Misery Index is great. Do you know Jamila Jamil from The Good Place?

She's amazing and wonderful She's the host of the show The guys and I are the stars of the show The idea is this There are two contestants competing To win lots of cash surprises And what they're doing is they're watching These real clips from the internet

For our newspaper articles And they have to evaluate Where these clips fall on this real index Called the Misery Index This is a real scale That psychiatrists and psychologists use to rate the impact on somebody's life of an event. So the scale is, you know, physical pain, psychological torture, and long-term impact on your life.

And it equates to 100%. And we are like their consularies. Two of us are each contestant, and we have to talk our way through these clips and figure out where it ranks on the misery index and help them guess correctly. It is hysterically funny because we're seeing these clips for the first time. It's a game show. We can't prepare in any way. We have to see it for the first time with them. And we're reacting honestly. And basically the show becomes the four of us debating insane things you see and already watch on YouTube. It's a lot of fun. And our hearts are in it because there's real money at stake. And everybody competing. All these

contestants have like real things. One person is like, you know, I never got to take my wife on a honeymoon. It's been 10 years. If I win, I'm going to take her on the honeymoon. And we're like oh my god if you lose i'm going to give you the money for it anyway you know i feel personally obligated to help them win oh they have like the top stories and everything i wouldn't be able to do that i feel like i would just like like you said i'd be like well i'll take care of you after well yeah find me after we'll rate would start a go fund me or something kind of like me begging to be on your show you're like okay after this i swear to god you got this you're already on the show you're already going to be on the show it's not banging

Okay, okay, I'll stop being desperate. That's, okay, that's so funny. I can't wait to, so when will that air? That airs every Thursday night. It does? Yeah. On True TV, right? No, that's TBS.

TBS, I guess. You've got a 10 o'clock on true TV. You've got an impractable drover's dinner party, which is our new show where we're at home during quarantine, having dinner together. Then you switch to channels at 10.30 on to TV. and you can see us on the misery index and very soon we go back into production on impractical jokers and you'll see that on TV again too so there you go gosh you guys are

busy busy bees over there that's crazy the the dinner party that's that's while you're in quarantine so have you guys finished filming that or are you still going we just finished the first eight eight episodes and more episodes to come hopefully and it was great it was fun it's it's actually the show stands on its own I would love to continue it for years to come because it's it's it's just insane conversations between best friends and you're like I and then we have you should be on that show too okay so we have guests pop into surprise the guys only one the host of that episode knows who's joining so like we had Jeff Daniels one episode and Harris one episode who's great you should be on it too Jeff Daniels like I mean I always

just think of him from dumb and dumber right yep is he what does he like in person he's been very warm to us. He's a super fan of the show. And we got to meet him backstage. He was in a Tequila Mockingbird on Broadway for a long time. And we got to meet him. And then he was in Jokers. We crafted a challenge just for him and put him in the show.

And then we just had him in dinner party, too. I love him. I think he's a great guy. You know, we mean, he's really warm. I mean, Jim Carrey is like my hero, but I like him, too. I was just watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective this morning. that's so funny i actually just watched that like two weeks ago it was like this i just love jim carey he's i'm well i'm canadian he's canadian so there's

that but i just like grew up loving him and thinking he was the funniest person on the planet he is he absolutely is i agree we have heard we've heard that he's a huge fan of jokers i see i could see that uh and uh we've heard from a couple of people and i think he mentioned it sometime somewhere impressed a while ago and uh one day we will also get him in the show too maybe in the same episode as you we'll see yeah totally two canadians on the same level of fame for it'll be a yeah it'll be a very special Canada uh Canadian episode we'll do it in Toronto I would love to that'd be great have you been to Canada yeah yeah we tour there we uh we were supposed to be there gosh I'm supposed to be there on tour in Toronto in like two weeks but

Wait, did you guys go on tour there in Vancouver? Did you go to Vancouver? No, we've toured Montreal and Toronto, and then we were adding Vancouver, I think, this tour. That was the last tour. This tour, we're doing Montreal, Vancouver, I'm sorry, Toronto, and being Vancouver too. Okay, awesome. I'd like to know if you're like me, when you've been spending a lot of time at home, like a lot, a lot, cleaning out closets, basements, garages, and realizing that you have way too much stuff,

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But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. You've recently released a third book. right? Have you always been writing? You have, right? Because you used to write your little, oh, I just got a flashback of your little film that they aired one time

and you guys have... You know what? You know what? Don't go bring up bad memories, okay? Honestly, this is this is not a roast of my... Okay, I'm just kidding, we're talking about your books now. I'll tell you a funny story. So I graduate college a long time ago. And my father had... When both my sisters graduated, he bought them

like a cheap old car as a congratulations for the graduation. So he says, you know, I'm going to buy you like a, you're like a $5,000, $6,000 car. Just let me know what you want, right? And he was going to give me like a cheap Ford tourist or something. And I said, no, dad, no, you keep that money. I said, because what I want for my college graduation is for you to fund my first short feature film. I should have taken the goddamn car is what I came down to. Because the film, which they torture me on in practical jokes, is the worst. Can I curse? Yeah, of course. Please do. It's the worst, it's the worst piece of shit ever made, right? And, and what they did to be on Jokers is, is they found the film from 20 years ago, 10, 15 years or whatever, and they put it up, they brought

in this, like, British film critic to analyze the movie in front of a live audience. And they watch the movie, I'm sitting in the audience like, oh, my God, it's so goddamn bad. And then they call me up as the filmmaker, and the critic just rips me a new asshole about how bad it is. He goes, you know, Orson Well's first film was Citizen Kane. This is your first film. I was like, oh, my God, it was so bad. And it took me 20 years to buy my first car. I only bought my first car a few months ago when I moved to you to the house

because I think I was still punishing myself from making that film. No joke. Subconsciously, you were like just still like not deserving of a car? I was. I don't think I deserved a new car. I wasn't worthy of a new car yet. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. But you have been worthy of books and TV shows and all this. So I love that you just bought a car a few months ago. That's amazing. My first car a few months ago. I never owned one in my life.

What a feeling. Do you feel like I was a new man? I feel it is weird. I mean, I like, I like, I like, that's my car. Because I literally, up until five months ago, I still rode, drove a green Huffy bicycle. So literally I'd ride my bicycle to set in Manhattan or whatever And I just zip or I just zip around I feel like one of those little hoverboard things Let's zip around on that And that's how I got around Oh my gosh, you must feel so liberated now

Yeah, I felt liberating It looks like you made it I feel like I feel like I've made up for the shit film I made 20 years ago, finally I finally achieved something Did that I really not know like it was for a show? No, no He thinks it's part of this event where he has to analyze a film.

So he's watching it and he tore it apart right through it so it sucked. That's incredible because I have tweeted before saying like, do we think like all these are real? And so many people had reached out being like, I actually was on it or my sister or my friend and like they had no idea. And I was like, yes, that makes me love it so much more, how real these situations are that you guys put yourself in. It's just incredible. He went back to her book. Tell me about this book. So the story of the books is this. I always thought it loved writing thrillers and horror. I have a degree in English and writing from Georgetown. And I always wanted to write books.

And a few years after college, I had this idea for a thriller called Awakened. And I spent a, this is 2004. I spent a year of my life writing a book. But this is long before, impractical jokers. I didn't know. anybody. I had no cousin that worked in publishing. I had no connections. So I spent a year writing this thriller. I sent it out to every publisher in New York City and they all returned it to me unopened. They wouldn't even read it because I'd have an agent. I didn't have a manager. It was unsolicited, no lawyer. And I couldn't get a single person to read it. And fast forward, a decade goes by. I get on TV impractical jokers are fan base, how amazing they are. And then I send

the same exact book, not a word changed into Harper Collins, and they bought the trilogy from me immediately. And the first book hit number one on the international bestseller list and hit bestsellers all across America and did really, really well. And then the brink came out last year. And then the final one of the trilogy obliteration just came out like two weeks ago. It's like it's action-packed page turning thriller. You can't put it down. It reads like the very best action movie you've ever read and it's like got like cliffhanger endings and it's it's sci-fi thriller it's really fun and exciting it's very readable and uh and that just came out like a week or two ago uh and then we have five more books coming out wow yeah i was busy last year

sold five new ones i've got don't move don't move comes out in october it's yeah you would be great in this movie i'm going to sell this movie um don't move is a thrill It takes place of the woods. Yeah, yeah. That comes out in October. Then I have one second. Oh, this is not video, but I'll show you anyway. It was just audio, but I want to know.

The Stow Way, I was literally writing today. The Stoway comes out next April. This is from another publisher. And then I have three children's books, thrillers, coming out starting next summer, called Interns of Area 51. It's like a comedy thrillers kid series. That's amazing.

Oh my gosh. So how long does that process take? I mean, I know your first one you said for a year you were writing it. But that's, I mean, okay, it's crazy to me that you're doing all this stuff with like impractical jokers and all these shows. And you're like a comedian in that and being funny. And then you just go home and write these like horror books. So what do you prefer? Do you like them both equally? Or do you like writing better than you like not you're not acting being yourself on TV? I think I like I like touring the best being on stage and performing oh my god that's that there's nothing better like we did we did a show I'll tell you funny stories so like 12 years ago before in practical go jokers 12 years ago the guys and I did a live show in Manhattan the theater held 30 people and only two people bought tickets to see us perform this before jokers uh in like 2008 two people bought tickets the tickets were five bucks each right and the theater costs us like six $65 to rent, so we lost $55 on the night. It was crazy. And then 10 years later, we sold out Madison Square Garden. Wow. And then we sold out six nights at the O2, which is $25,000 or night. And six shows at Radio City.

And to go from, but it wasn't that long ago. Like I remember that performing for two people. And then I remember performing for 20,000 people. And when you get on stage after having so many years, of failing, when you get on stage and you experience the energy from the crowd and what the show means to them, which you don't experience when you're filming a hidden camera show. It's hidden. I have no idea how it's affecting people in their homes and their families and their lives.

And to see that of them there with us in concert, basically, holding up signs and T-shirts. It is humbling and overwhelming and the highest of highs you could ever have. So nothing beats that. I can see where you're coming from. I mean, that would be my goal to do Madison Square Garden. Like, I do small shows with Off the Vine and we tour, and I absolutely love it for the same reasons. Like, you see how much you've impacted people or you make them smile

or you've like, you know, they all have stories of how they came to watch your show and who they watch it with and what it means to them. And that's like my goal in life is to do a show as big as 20,000 people. I think my biggest one was like 1,200. That's excellent. That's excellent. Yeah, it was so fun. But it's like good for you guys for, you know, it's so crazy to me that there's a lot of people,

I think, in our generation now, like, who want to see success overnight and certain things happening. And they don't realize that the people like you guys or people who have done certain things in life that they don't know the 11 years before that of how hard you were trying or like certain other things about selling two tickets and, you know, performing for two people in owing the theater $55 like they don't really know all those stories of how you got there so I love when people share stories like that so yeah super cool one day if you do a podcast show in New York come in our shop uh that would be awesome I think I was trying for this next tour that obviously had to

get canceled because of everything because we were going to come to New York and I was like I would love to have I mean you especially on out of all the other three dicks but You were the three decks. Come on the show. Yeah, you're the three decks. You can leave them at home. You just come on down. I wanted to have you guys so bad on this next one, but we had to cancel it.

But next time. Can I tell you a funny story? So, you know, the name Impractical Jokers is fine. The show plays around the world. But in many countries, the word impractical does not translate. There's no Belgian word. There's no Dutch word for impractical. What they do is they rename the show around the world.

So in lots of countries, it's impractive with drugs, but in other countries, it's called something else. So, for example, in Belgium, the show is called Frater Verde Verden, which literally means four dicks, I swear. And then in Holland, in Holland, the show is called This needs no translating. This show is called DE, like one, two, or D.E. DeFi-de-de-de-de-Frikers, the fiss.

Which I think is hysterical. You can have the say in that, or the network gets to pick those names. They pick it. They pick it. So you see the faces and says, the fissors. Or four dicks, you know, because there's no word in Dutch for impractical. Is there still the Jokers? Yes, it still has a logo and the fonts.

Everything's the same. You know, but it says the fuckers. It says do f***ers in the same Joker's font. That's incredible. Yeah, I think it's hysterical. That is so funny. I mean, I'm probably going to call you guys up for the rest of time, but it's over here. If one day we're on your podcast and you don't introduce us as the fakers, I'd be very upset.

But I'd just say it in that accent. Oh, that's incredible. Okay, so we always do confessions in my podcast. And I feel like you probably have a few good ones for me. Or just one. Just pick your favorite, confess to me, and I'll forgive you, and all will be well. It's not you I need forgiveness from. Okay.

For this confession. Okay. Well, I've never admitted it to this individual. What happened? This is, I keep a list to this day of like the 10 most important. things that have happened to me and most of them are not on one or two of them are on impractical jokers the rest are just for my personal life right so up there like top maybe it's number four most embarrassing things that ever happened to me I've met to this day never

confessed that I did it but I'm to you're telling you that I did it I'm the one that did this okay so so I used to live in Manhattan you're right and I lived on the 56th floor of a high eyes. And my apartment has an elevator bank that goes express from the lobby to 40 and it goes to the upper floors, right? So you bypass the lower floors and that's how you get it to the upper

floors of the building. So when you're in the elevator and you're going down when you hit like 44, 43, 42, and if the elevator hasn't slowed down, chances are you're going express right to the lobby. No one else is getting the elevator. You're in for the next minute alone.

So I'm in the elevator. going down to the lobby, and it's like 45, 44, 44, 43, 42. I'm like, okay, no one else is getting this elevator with me. I'm fine. And I let out the worst fart of my life. It was the worst. It, like, it echoed, and it was, I would have killed a small child if they were in there. It was so bad.

It was so bad. But I'm like, I'm in the elevator alone. It's already at 42nd floor. We're fine. Right. That's always the same. The elevator suddenly slows down and I panic. The doors open and the most beautiful woman,

other than my fiancé, the most beautiful woman in my apartment building gets in the elevator. I panic so I get out on the 42nd floor, right? She gets in, I get out because I panic. All these years of improv training, it doesn't mean shit because I panicked and froze. First because she's gorgeous. Second because she's walking into your hell.

Right? So I walk, she walks in, I walk out, and as the door's closed, I hear her say, oh my God, right? And the door's closed. The door's closed. I'm so embarrassed. My face is bright red. I wait like, you know, four or five seconds. I'm like so embarrassed. I turn around. I hit the elevator button again to go back down to lobby. I didn't wait long enough. And the doors reopened. And she's staring at me, knowing that it had to be me. And I just. stared at her and I looked at her and I said I'm on the wrong floor and the doors closed again and I left her I left her to die. I left her to die in the elevator with I was clearly on the wrong floor and and I'm here to confess to her if she's listening I was still on that fart of that day you know who I am I'm MIR from the 56th floor how long ago was this this is last year I hope she, one, knew who you were, and two, listens to this podcast, because then I'm going to have her call in and talk and try and explain your fart in a sentence. The story continues, but a few weeks later, I get on the elevator in the lobby, and there's

like three or four more people, and she walks on. It's the first time I'd seen her since that moment. And she said, she said, hello to everybody in the elevator, except for me. me and ignored me entirely. And I know, she has to know, she has to know. Like, it's this unspoken, it's the, it's the silent but deadly elephants in the room. You know what I mean? Oh my gosh. And you didn't run into her like any time after that. That was the last time just in that group when she avoided you. She might have moved out of the building because of that incident. Who knows? I mean, she sounds traumatized. She was. I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I was so

embarrassed. I ended up. Then I got in my head. I started thinking when the doors were open, I was terrified to go back in the elevator. So I walked from the 42nd floor up to my floor, the 56th floor. I walked the staircase embarrassed. I just, I stayed in the building. I never left. I waited a full hour before I left the building. I was too embarrassed. Oh my gosh. That's one of my favorite confessions. That's always like, that's like a nightmare. That's like, that's my real hell right there. It was farting in an elevator and a hot guy getting in knowing I did it. Right. But I could have said anything. I could have said anything. If you could go back and redo it, what would you have said? I know you've replayed this in your

mind a few times. I did. I would have said, I would have smiled and said, don't blame me. It was the last guy that just got out. Oh, you know what I mean? Anything. Like, like, like, hey, we're in this together and I should have stayed there with her instead of being, you know, just being a coward and leaving her to die in the trenches. Yeah, you should have held her hand through that one. Yeah, I should have been there and be like, oh, my God, can you move this? We're in it together kind of thing. Let's get down to the lobby.

Yeah. You could have not been in Philadelphia right now. Yeah. Thanks for listening to today's podcast, which is made possible by our friends over at Breyer's Carb Smart, partnering with American farmers for 100% grade A milk and cream. By now you've probably heard us rave in about our new favorite frozen treat, Breyer's Carb Smart, available in tubs and bars with yummy flavors like caramel swirl,

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And the perception that drug abuse. and enrichment from drug abuse is a problem that, you know, is restricted to the shadows and is kind of the drug dealer on the corner was one of the things that I think we really wanted to challenge because the reality is that the drug dealer at the pill mill or the pharmaceutical company that's putting these ads on TV, knowing that, you know, all of the addictive properties are there, are actually doing far more damage than any street corner peddler could have the scale or capability to do. So don't miss now what, this Wednesday and every Wednesday on podcast one.

Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Okay, I have one quick game for you. Then we're going to have a couple listener questions, and then I will let you go. But this game is obviously a play on your show, the misery index, where you rate situations from 100 on basically how embarrassing and miserable they are. So here's some real confessions that I found. and I want to hear how you're going to write them. Okay.

Getting caught naked on the Google Maps camera car. Oh, this is a real story. Yeah. This is a real thing, right? I think I've seen this clip. There's a guy, yeah. And I think somebody else got caught cheating on Google Maps. Yes.

Can you imagine? No. I think getting caught. That's karma. I think getting caught naked is low. I think it's like 30. Getting caught cheating is like a 72. Okay, 72, okay.

Yeah, that's amazing. Okay, sending a nude to the wrong person. Hmm. I think it really depends on who. Is it a relative? Embarrassing. Is it a boss? Very embarrassing.

Is it, you know, I think a relative. Like grandma? Yeah. yeah like yeah or great aunt lillian yeah yeah you sent a picture of the d to gray aunt lillian grandma grandma katherine doesn't have doesn't know how to work pictures on her phone she's still using a flip photo it's okay uh you know if you send grandma the d uh that's going to be pretty high up there that i think that's that's that's legacy that's family legacy that's you're never going to live that down you might give her a heart attack who knows you know she i i think that's gonna be uh i think it's gonna be uh

i think it's gonna be like a 58 pretty high okay okay pretty high um getting the same postmates driver twice in one day the same postmates driver yeah i've heard a postmates what is it oh it's like a food delivery like uber eats so it's like uber eats or seamless or grububb yeah getting the same guy in one day Yeah. That happens to me all the time. Okay, thank you, because that was going to be my confession. That happened to me. And I was like, I mean, that could be a confession, but I don't feel too bad about that.

It's almost impressive that, like, you get the same guy twice. Like, it's like... Yeah, that's not embarrassing. Would the embarrassment be from your order? Like, it depends on what you order, too. If each time, and it's only you in the house and each time you ordered four large meatlovers pizzas, and it's just you alone. I'd be like, you know, it's a little embarrassing, maybe.

Okay, I can show you the receipts. I ordered McDonald's the first time, pizza the second. Yeah, that's, you know. So now you're adding some color to the conversation, and it gets more embarrassing. I still think it's relatively low. I still put it at like a 16. Yeah, like I was almost proud when I answered the door,

and I was like, yeah, round two. Here we go. I was also super high, so I can't. Okay, I'm going to ask you a couple questions from listeners, and then I will let you get back to your dog and your fiancé. Okay, Mrs. Latina, doctor, perhaps? Okay, how long before it happens are the punishments planned, and how do you guys decide what it will be? Good question. The punishments sometimes are planned a year in advance. We have punishments that are still in the works that have been in the works for three years now. The longest punishment we ever had took a year to make

that we were actually doing it and filming it all throughout a whole year before we revealed it. I'd say the average punishment gets thought of a few weeks before. They're the last thing we filmed for an episode because they have to be precisely right, you know, and tailored toward that guy. Yeah. So the key is this, don't ever leave the room.

That's what it comes down to. like if the three of us are hanging, if the four of us are hanging out and one guy leaves the room to go to the bathroom to make a phone call, he'll come back in to the writer's room to dinner or whatever. And the other guys will be like, and you're like, and you're like, God damn it, I shouldn't have left because they're planning something against me. Yeah. Totally. That's, okay, does, I don't know who asks this, but I know I saw it on here. Does Sal really think everything is that funny that he like almost pukes and falls over? He does. He's actually physically we've thrown up on set.

That is so funny. I'm not entirely convinced my marriage is real, by the way, because Melissa might be just a punishment on the show. It might be a long con, you know? I've no idea. What if they reveal at the wedding that it's all been like, you know, a prank? I mean, that's a hell of a punishment.

Wait, I am scared for you. Could you imagine? Because they convinced you one time some girl had a crush on you, and you were like so convinced that you were viving with her. Oh my gosh, that would be the ultimate. Tell me you would not be their friend anymore if they did that one to you. I don't know how to, it would never have.

I don't know. Because they've done it to me before. You saw it. I was, there was a girl flirting with me on the show. She was beautiful. I was flirting back. We had plans as to what we might do, where we might go on our first date.

And she was into it. and then they revealed as she was just a paid actress, they paid the floor with me. And then after that, so we finished filming that day, and I go up to her, I was like, hey,

I know this joke is really funny, but if you're ever interested, here's my actual number, and she never called me. The joke that just like, that never, like it's just always funny for all of us and not you. Yeah,

so when the challenge is over and I gave her my number again, she didn't take it. Oh, my gosh, that is freaking amazing. Okay. Oh, that's so funny. I didn't even, this Cassidy girl just asked a question about that. Okay, Kendall Mason says, how did it feel to wear Q's hair for a whole season? Please tell me someone wash the wig for him.

No, no, no, no. The punishment was that you, I could not wash it. So I wore it for six months through the New York City summer, filming every day outside. It was disgusting. It smelled like pot and whiskey. That's it. I just had a head. I would have to go home after filming every day

and scrub what little hair I have left to get rid of the pot and whiskey smell from Q's actual hair. Okay, ready for this? How much do you think that wig cost to make? Keep this in mind. We flew the country's best wig makers in Manhattan to do this.

He cut the hair off Q's head and put it back together in the exact order each follicle was on Q's head to make the wig. How much do you think the wig cost to make. Okay, well, when you say that, I'm going to go with $2,500. $10,000. It's a $10,000 wig. Yes. It's a $10,000 and whiskey. Yeah, I was like, for $10,000, you couldn't get the smell of pot and whiskey out. Come on.

Yeah, like throwing a free shampoo for God's sake. You got to frieze that shit. Wait, that's so funny. Is that what Q smells like? Because now I just think he smells like a pot and whiskey. That's pretty much his scent. That's, yeah, I think that's his natural, you know, aroma. What would you say Joe's natural aroma is? I feel like, well, he's vegan, so it's changed. Before, he used to smell like gravy, I guess.

Or donut, maybe donut. Yeah, he smells like a donut hole. I don't know. Okay, what sounds? Sal smells like paranoia or fear. Why is he so scared of everything? Yeah, I think he smells like what fear would smell like manifested. Okay, and now what would you, what's your aroma?

This is funny game. I think I smell like Red Lobster. Yeah, I think I smell like a cheddar bay biscuit from Red Lobster. I had a guess. Oh, dang. Okay, at first I was grossed out, but now I want a cheddar business. See? Yeah.

There you go. There you go. One of my favorite games I've played so far on this podcast. Okay. I feel like I've asked you all these. Okay, what was the worst? Lindsay wants to know what the worst punishment you've ever faced was, in your opinion. Oh, you know, there's a couple of come to mind.

We did a punishment where they stripped me down and had me in a little. like Speedo and it greased me up and told me I had to compete in a bodybuilding competition. And when I walked into the room where I thought the bodybuilding competition was, there was no competition. It was Danica McKellar who played the character of Winnie Cooper on the TV show The Wonder Years in the 80s. She was like my childhood crush from 30 years ago. She was there in a gown looking gorgeous and I have my nipples out and I'm all greased up.

And I had to interview her. It was so mortifyingly embarrassing. And the second one that comes to mind is here. Now, I know this is only audio, but you'll appreciate it. Okay. They shaved my eyebrows off for punishment. Oh, my gosh. I remember that.

And I take pride in my eyebrows and how nice they're shaped. Yeah. And they made me get a driver's license photo with no eyebrows, which what they don't tell you on TV is that this license is my license still until 24. This is a 10-year punishment. It's still my license. It's a 10-year punishment where I look like a potato that just got dumped.

You do look like potato. Yeah. Or I look like Lex Luthor's penis. Those are two very accurate things that you look like. That's so, have you ever had that like you have to use it and people be like, that's not you? Well, yes, because my passport has Q's hair on it and my driver's license photo has no hair. They just like with my forms of identification. You know, the whole show just with my look.

That's all they do. And wait, what tattoo? Did you have to get a tattoo or who got a tattoo? I have a ferret skydiving tattoo on my thigh right there. Sal has, well, I don't want to spoil this for you if you're going to watch the Joker's movie. You know, Sal has a Jayden Smith tattoo on his leg? Yeah. I don't want to spoil anything, but in the Joker's movie, the tattoos come back.

for a second time. I'll leave it at that. Yes. And who knows, maybe Jaden Smith is in the Practical Jokers movie too. Oh my gosh. I was thinking about that today while I was like preparing for this. I was like, I wonder if Jaden Smith ever said anything

or was like, oh man, cool tattoo. You are going to love the Jane Smith scene in the Jokers movie. Oh my gosh. I am watching this tonight again. Yeah. So a lot of people actually want to know when you're getting married, which This has been an ongoing question. Do you guys have a date?

We do. We're getting married this fall, is what I'll say. We do have a fall wedding. It's coming along. It's getting here very quickly. And we're proceeding according to plan. You know, we had to cut the list in half. So like the BS third and fourth cousins, they got the boot.

Yes, we don't want them there anyways. That's amazing. Well, where can everyone find you on, like, social media and, and anything else you want to share. I'll do, can I do like a swipe up on my story for your book? Yes, please. It'll be great. The new book is obliteration.

I appreciate it. You can get it on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or wherever books are sold. The one that comes out this fall is called Don't Move. You can pre-order signed copies of that now on Fountainbookstore.com or go to mysterious galaxy and they'll have it on their homepage to get an autograph copy. And you can go to, you know, any, any, you've got to easy to find. And I'm going to tweet you, just find me on social media. I'll re-tweet you.

Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It was so fun having you. I am just such a huge fan of you and the three other dicks. And I just can't wait to meet in person in New York one day. I'm so glad you love the Friars as much as we do. I love the Fingers.

Thank you so much. Have a good night. Tell your friends, say I say hi. I will. Okay. Bye. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday.

Thanks for listening to Offrevine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.1.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's not with OTV? Coming to Live by Live Thursday, July 30th, Darius Ruckers, Darius and Friends virtual concert benefiting St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Catch an exclusive one-time only performance by Darius Rucker live from the Grand Ole Opry stage featuring guest appearances by Clint and Tracy Lawrence. All proceeds from the show benefits St. Jude. So get your tickets today at Livexlive.com slash Darius. And tune in July 30th at 8 p.m. Eastern only on Live by Live.