Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Jared Freid | Why We're Still Single at 39!

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

#761. This week on "Off the Vine," Kaitlyn sits down with the hilarious Jared Freid, comedian, podcaster, and Netflix comedy star. They dive into the ups and downs of being single at 39, the quirky habits we carry from childhood, and Jared's unique take on modern dating. From debating the merits of cold pizza versus cold fried chicken to sharing laugh-out-loud moments about family dynamics and dating woes, this episode is packed with humor and candid insights. Join Kaitlyn and Jared for a fun and relatable conversation that will leave you laughing and reflecting on your own dating adventures. Whether you're single, dating, or just in need of a good laugh, this is an episode you won't want to miss! If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: (4:13) – Jared's hilarious take on cold pizza vs. cold fried chicken. (17:03) – Jared’s unique dating advice: “Turned off, not confused.” (28:45) – The ideal partner: someone who agrees but has their own opinions. (1:02:41) – Fun game segment: "What Would Jared Do?" Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! BetterHelp: Visit BetterHelp.com/VINE today to get 10% off your first month. Ouai: Go to See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. An Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

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it just feels so fresh and modern while still keeping that timeless Jane Austen charm. So whether it's your first time experience, seeing pride and prejudice or you've read it a million times you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again so go listen to pride and prejudice now at audible.ca slash jane austin i'm kately bristow your session is now starting. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Today, we have the very hilarious Jared Freed in the studio today. Went to your show last night. It was, if anybody has a chance to see you live, they should. It's very entertaining. It went by so fast. It's a fun show. If you go on vacation ever with your family, if you're an adult, if you're a millennial, if you date, it's all.

If you're anyone. Listen, I'm so happy you had fun. I had a blast. I had the best. You literally mentioned things about Gen Z. millennials and boomers, and that was your crowd. So it landed with everybody. I got them all. And we're going to get you all today because I sat here and laughed the whole time. I didn't. I can't believe this is my job.

We are a good mix. It was so much fun. I laughed. You laughed. We cried. Yeah. We talked about. We bonded over being 39-year-old losers. 39 single losers. That's us. Speaking of Hammered, I am hung over.

Are you? I bet. I bet. I went out afterwards. A few vodka martinis and then a night out. We'll get you. Do you know I like ordered, I got done at the bar. So like I say goodbye everyone, I got done at the bar. The car takes me to the hotel and then I go to another bar because I'm like, let me have my moment where I'm by myself. Yep, a little nightcap. Little nightcap.

And then I ordered food and the delivery guy left the food at the hotel like front desk and he sent me a picture of it. Yeah. I hearted it like he was my girlfriend. Like I, like I heart reacted to like the bag of food, the bag of good. Garbage, he left me. What kind of garbage did you order? Like, subs? Subs!

I order, you don't understand it. You don't understand it. I'm the worst nighttime eater. Are you staying at the place that they put you up for Zanis or did you choose a hotel? I'm staying at so-house. I love it there. Oh, right, right, right. I know you.

I'm staying at so-out, you know, for anyone listening and wondering. I, and like, they don't do, you know, like, I don't know. I order food. Like, I have this, like, I mean, this just happened. I, like, have this, like, demented dream. that like anytime I order food I'm gonna like like they're gonna like pass me in stride and like hand it to me as I'm like walking to my room like I do try and do right do you know what I mean like you try to time it out yeah and I went this is a few months ago I went home and I like I have contactless

delivery and like so I go into my my apartment and I get like undressed but like take my shirt off I'm like in my jeans shirtless and I hear the doorbell ring and I'm like okay that's the delivery guy but like I don't want to see him right so I just go I'm like hammered I'm like one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi and then I go okay the perfect crime yeah and I go to the front door I open it and the guy is taking a picture of the food and you're shirtless Winnie the Pooh like as fat as you're ever like it's not like posing for a picture it is like you have let all your goo out. You know, like when he's stand and you're like,

this isn't how I stand in front of the mirror. Like, we don't even know what we look like. You know, like, I don't know what gooey me is. You do now that the Postmates driver has taken that photo and sent it to you. He legit had the sound on it. It went, you know, the camera, and I heard it. And I'm just like, hands down, like, Hey.

I'll have my slop now. like that's like what I look like and I don't know I just like I want to be able to not nighttime eat in the worst way and I feel horrible the next morning like when I don't night time eat and I wake up the next morning I'm like Oh you feel so skinny

I'm like am I a supermodel? I know last night we got home from your show and we had raisin canes in the fridge and I was not hungry at all but we were like but there's raisin canes in the fridge it's like cold fried chicken

cold fried chicken Doesn't get the respect it deserves. Cold pizza, yeah, you did. Cold pizza gets all the talk. Cold fried chicken, I literally, it will look like I'm killing the bird again the way I would eat it. Like, it would be so, like, if there was a video out there of me eating cold fried chicken, someone would be like, this is a man, like this is an animal, not a human.

That was us last night. That literally was saying. With that sauce, the raisin, I don't know if they sponsor you. The raisin sauce. No, but I would like to work. with him because I've seen them take some pretty sketchy influencers around. Have they? And I'm like, I love the brand.

Yeah, listen, I'm open to some money from raising. I would gain 7,000. Like if they gave me like a free raising. I've had it once. That sauce, like you do want to drink it. Like there is a moment where you have to stop yourself. If it was a soup, I would eat it with a spoon. Right. My dad does that type of stuff. He'll take a spoon. He'll start eating like the duck sauce. Like he's just yeah he's like me

you know what's the same yeah well I mean we got to witness your stand-up last night and we realize that you and your dad are the same person same person well same body yeah same body we're the same body

well yeah we're the same I mean my whole family like the whole stand-up I'm doing is about my parents and my family and like our dynamic and like it was so relatable to any family which I found funny I appreciate you know it's the thing is it's like we're in this weird like time right now we're like

we're not becoming adults in the way our parents became adults we're weirdly connected to our parents in the way like when you land somewhere you text your parents landed like I'm 39 I'm still texting landed like what's wrong with me

oh and if I don't my mom freaks out right you didn't call me I'm like I'm 39 did you brush your teeth yeah I did I'm 39 again look at my niece just freak out that is that is her grandma my mother still text me asking if I brush my teeth It's why, and it's like, when did, and the thing is, you think of our parents, like, growing up, like, I don't remember my parents running to a pay phone to call my grandparents to be like, landed.

Like, right? Like, they, what is that? We're just so, like, tethered. The phone, I mean. The phone doesn't help. Yeah, the phone doesn't help. I mean, in dating, that's a big part of dating, too, where you, like, you feel more connected to people than you are. You keep in contact with people that you have no plan of hanging out with.

Yeah. Like, even the younger generation is sharing their location. Yeah, well, we just did that today. We just did that today, but like, that's not what you do. That's for business purpose. No. Right, that's not a millennial thing. That's a Gen Z thing.

It is a Gen Z thing. I only follow my niece and two of my best friends. And that was because they were worried about me one night because I, like, didn't, again, didn't call. Right. It's a more female thing than male. Like, I'm not sharing my location with my bros from college. They're like, I have a family now. I have my own kids to look after.

I don't have to see where you are at two in the morning. eating subs in Nashville I ate two subs why a sub that's your go-to it was no you know why quickest to get to me 25 minutes that it was about speed yeah it was about agility yeah just me and the handoff and the handoff and I I don't know I I got to make some changes I had last night I'm pretty sure we had the same conversation the last time about how we're like we We really did. We really need to stop doing late night food and, like, drinking martinis. And here we are a year later.

Drinking martini. Well, I kind of like, you know, I'm 39 and I'm single and I have this, like, I'm like, maybe I just need to give up this single thing. Like I, I, drop the bit. It's not even a bit. It's not a bit. Like, I do, do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to?

Yeah. But not one, like, just to be in a relationship. Like, I am so. scared of dating another man because they are so terrible. Yeah, we're pretty tough. We're not easy to do. Listen, I get put in the position. I do a dating podcast where I have to like answer for men.

I have to give voice to like maybe the person you're dealing with. Yeah. And it's hard because it is icky. It is hard to explain. Yeah. You know, a lot of dating conversations are a lot of, it's a lot of women telling us what men think. And I'm like, because they don't, you know, I'm the guy who's out there saying what we really think. And it's hard because I always have to like preface like, yeah, this is going to be icky.

This is going to be. And also there's another person on the other side who's going through their own emotional stuff. Like, like, so I try to personalize. What I've heard back, the feedback I've gotten is that I've made it less personal. Like they're like, oh, okay. It felt better to know that it wasn't like he doesn't think, you know, like. I get what you're saying like last night when you're talking about your mom still texting you about brushing your teeth I'm like okay so it's not just my mom right right you're alone it makes me feel

less angry at her for it because I'm like okay it's just her generation it's just those people as parents where it's for that it's like okay this is just men right and a guy dealing with like you know just like you said like you're like I'm not going to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship like there's a lot of people I like that I'm like I don't know what it is I don't know what feeling I'm looking for but like I want you know to hang out you know I I want yeah and I you know now that I'm like 39, you know, men get accused of this like, oh, this guy just, you know, there's this thought of like

that all men are either like father of two and wonderful husband of the year or womanizing monster. Yeah, there's really no in between. There's no in between. And I like to think I'm somewhere on the spectrum between womanizing monster and

father of two someday. You know, like, and I'm not, and it's just, right, because like, you know, you have this thing. You're like, I want to But I also want to, like, cuddle after her. Can I have both? Yes. Wait, I just saw something on, you know, daddy issues on Instagram?

Do I have daddy issues? Oh. No. Mommy issues. I probably have mom issue. Daddy, I know that. That's Violet Benson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She just posted something where I got confused because, wait, let me pull it up. Because I feel like men also can't win because you're. You can't. Oh, it said something. Like these men used to fight in wars And now they're like Wait, let me pull it up so I Right, well then this is another conversation

Like it's, I'm not here to say How bad it is to be a man Listen, it's very hard for us We're going through a lot There's nothing hard Men used to fight in wars And now they unsend messages When you don't reply

Right And then she quotes Now they look for a mother And every girl they meet And I'm like Men also are in a tough position Where you can't win because you're either too soft

or you're not manly enough or you're too sensitive or you're not calling back I want someone who holds the door open for me and knows I can hold it for myself right and listen the problem and the solution to all this is the internet because bad actors take over the dating

conversation on the internet what happens is like I posted a thing it was about how there was a woman I was on the West Side Highway in New York it's beautiful night There's a field out there that's like this turf field. It's a beautiful, very rom-com scene field. It's like where me, the fat friend, would be telling my hotter friend,

go for the girl. You know, like it's that field that would be in a rom-com. And I'm sitting there, and I just worked out, and there's this beautiful woman taking a picture. Yeah. And she's beautiful. And her friend's taking a picture of her. I don't know what the picture's for.

I don't know, but it was like she's dressed up. She looks great. Yeah. The sun in the background, and I said, I made a video where I was like, look at this woman is taking the best dating app profile picture ever to be taken. And I was like, here's a lesson for the women. Most guys are just looking for them dressed as Dwight Shrut from eight years ago and putting that much effort into their dating profile. So like here's the difference in effort level of dating.

Like you have this woman who's out on a beautiful scene with her friend who's the photographer and he's just like, let me find a picture my girlfriend took of me 20 years ago. ago, my ex, you know, where I'll cut her out. So, like, again, this is the effort level, which I'm not apologizing for. I'm just saying, men try less with dating than women do, generally. But then all these men were like, oh, oh, I guess it's better to be fake than real. And it's like, no, you're a asshole. That's not what I'm saying. Everyone's pictures are fake.

No one's taking a picture from underneath their chin with it like this. So, like, the idea that any picture, again, the real picture, if we want to be real, would be of me picking up my food shirtless from the delivery driver. Is that what you want? Nobody wants that. I kind of do, though. Yeah, that'd be actually good.

That's a good idea. Like, what if you had to take your profile picture had to be like taken by the delivery guy from Dora Dash while you pick up your food at two in the morning? Yes. I'd be okay with that, but everyone would have to do it. I just don't like this like moral superiority people take online. That's how you win online.

Yeah. You go, you know, I look at this beautiful picture. Oh, I guess you're like, fake! And it's like, No, you... I mean, I have... You would think by this point in life, I would figure out that you can't win on the internet,

but I still try to, which is so stupid because I'm just exhausting myself. Yes. That's the only person. But I'm with you. I'm the same. Oh, it's just so frustrating. But it reminded me of you talking last night

about, like, you sitting in a beach chair of what you actually look like on the beach, and then you're like, oh, great, this is also what I look like during sex. I'm like, okay, that should be a profile picture, too. What you actually look like, like what angle that they're, We're going to see that if you guys have sex.

That would literally, I would never leave the house again. If I saw what I looked like during sex, I would literally disappear to a cave. They'd be like, what happened to Jared Fried? You'd like, you'd like go on a road trip. You'd get off at like a gas station in like Iowa. And then it'd be like me with a beard, be like, were you the guy that used to yell at The Bachelor? And I'd be like, don't, get out of here. Get out of here.

Do you want your chips enough? You've got subsauce on the bay. Yeah, I'm just subsauced Jared. That's me. But I do think it's a good idea for profile pictures. I like when people don't try. I'm at the place in my life where I'm like, I don't want someone to try it all anymore. You want no effort.

Well, that is the dream. The problem with the dating apps is, I mean, this is something I say all the time and I like sound like a dick. They were built by male nerd. who don't have social capabilities to try and make up for and again they were again and I say nerds glowingly lovingly I love a nerd

listen but it's people with low social abilities created the apps as a crutch how do I approach a woman without getting turned down that's really what it is you never get turned down in a dating app right if you swipe right and you get no answer what do you think

I guess they haven't seen me yet so these are created by male like low social ability men to and it's like the reality is most of the people listening you and I we don't need that yeah we dream of social interactions that are like natural and again when you say not trying because everything done on a dating app is very trying everything it's like it's step one step two it's anti-romantic you know when is the date you know when you match you have a very small amount of time to make the date really yeah the clock ticks no and and

The idea that, like, if you were not match on a dating hour. Yeah. Hey, what's up? How are you? You're like, I'm good. I'm just sitting at home watching, you know, Bravo. And then I go, oh, what show are you watching? And then we have this nice little interaction.

If I don't make a date that night within an hour of chichating, there's no date. Yeah. There's a reason I'm not making the date. That's true. And people out there, they're like, what do I say to a guy who won't make a date? You unmatch and you move on. Yeah. He ain't never going to make a date.

If you can't get to date one, how are you going to get to date five? Yeah. Because people think, like, oh, they just haven't given me a chance. Right, they're shy or whatever. It's bullshit. Yeah. It's all bullshit getting served by people taking a moral authority for the least, like, able people. Yeah.

And it's like you, that person was able to chit chat with you about Bravo. They're not able to make a date. Yeah. I don't buy it. I'm just, and that's the thing I get put in this position where I talk about the male side of dating. And then there's always like, but what about people who can't type really good? it's like then how about there's a lot of people out there that say here's here's here's here's the answer to all your dating questions i'll answer it right now you ready yeah instead of saying i'm

confused say i'm turned off take the word confused switch it with turned off answer to all your questions so give me something you're confused about i'm confused by his texting style i'm turned off by his texting style there's the answer to your question it bothers me that i get You know, and now I'm shouting, but I get shouted down because I'm right. I am not wrong. And it's okay. I believe in being, I believe in redemption, too. Yeah.

So you can be turned, right? So, like, being turned off does not mean walk away. And this is a female issue exclusively to me. Women want their heads chopped off or they want to be pursued like queens. So it's like when they get anything in between, they go, I guess that guy doesn't like me. I guess he thinks I'm a piece of turd. And it's like, no, be turned off. And let someone know you're turned off.

I think that is like the answer to so many of your dating quack. I'm confused by him not making a date. Hey, man, what if you text to that guy, hey, I'm a little turned off that you haven't made a date yet? Yeah. You got my number. Make the plan and I'm in. Now move on.

So it's like, and this is such simple advice. And the reason no one gives it is because there's people out there. There's dating people in this world. world. I'm a comedian. I don't need to sit in the dating world. I can go and talk about I can talk about, I got sent four pairs of shoes last week. I did a half hour podcast about it. Okay, I'll be

fine. I don't need to tell you dating woes for the rest of my life. I'll be good. So I don't need these people who are on the internet giving dating advice, they are grifters, they are trying to make money. So they have to give you if, you know, they have to give you

theories and rules and everyone's putting together these poems if he wanted to he would and it's like I get so annoyed because I'm like no men are included in this conversation ever it's straight women talking about how straight men think and it's like I would never speak I'm I try my best not to speak for women I'll speak for me how do I feel I put up a text someone sent me a their text in her action with a guy and I go I read the text I go I would be turned off by this yeah because it was boring yeah hey I really like to go out if you just let me know if you're not into this oh god no just let me know if you're not

into this i'd be like dry just here's another tip here's what i would do make yourself a party if you're not doing that if you're not making yourself a party if you're not a party i don't then what do you mean who would want to go to your party so everyone so when does this come out but you're a fun person kately i don't think you i love throwing parties yeah you're a but you're a partier. Yeah. I love a party. It's like, if someone was to text you yesterday, a guy.

Yeah. And you were like, and they were like, what are you doing? You're like, going to a comedy show, got my niece in town. Yeah. I know the comedian that's on the show. I'd be like, wow, she's doing things. Yeah. Like, I think like, what are you doing this weekend?

And if you're not into this, then I can just walk away. Well, that's just all. We all know that confidence is hard. Hard? Difficult. Yeah, I'm not a confident person. I sit here and scream out of my ass and eat food at two in the morning. I can't look in the mirror of my own body

You're confidently insecure That's what I am I'm like I think that's a good I'm like I will be so confident in my insecurities And I'll talk about them I'll talk about when I'm confident

When I'm not Like I'm confidently insecure Yeah That's what I think I'm Some people can put it I think I'm Some people call it Vulnerability Yeah

You know Yes You're I mean To be a comedian You have to have some confidence Yes And you have to be willing to like embarrass yourself. Self deprecating.

Yeah. I've been, I embarrassed myself nightly. Um, I mean, Plug City. They don't pay me or anything. This is swatch. I, I, I, my grandparents used to always wear swatch watches and I was like, I just was like maybe, because I was like, I want to buy a watch. You know, I think there's like a male thing of like a nice watch. Yeah. It's male jewelry, you know, like, and I somehow was on like watch TikTok and you see these watches and they're like, they're like legit, like, third. $30,000?

And I was like, I don't got that type of cash. And then I went on swatch and I was like, oh, cool. I can like, 100 bucks. I can mix and match. So, like, I've been kind of like, just kind of, you know, now I'm getting served Instagram ads, you know, and then you kind of go down that hill a little bit. So, and I get so many nice compliments because, and I do think of it. Like, I'm like, oh, what a nice, like, and I like to wear black because I hate my body,

you know, so like, so I wear a black. And I'm like, what a, with a fun watch. kind of dresses it up a little differently. I've been around you a couple times now in 24 hours, and I think I've seen you wear three different watches. Yes. That's cool. Well, then I, like, put in my, like, I'm such a slob.

Like, I, like, throw in my backpack. Like, this is all scratched already, and I'm like, you know, I don't know how to take care of anything. I need a wife. I need to get married. I need a kid. You need, like, women energy in your life. I, I know.

I, yeah. I do everything wrong. I don't know. What are you looking for in a woman? I just want, like, I want to, like, have fun. I do want, you know, my reasons for wanting marriage kids. And I think I have to stop telling women I'd want that.

Why? Because it adds stakes to it, I think, because it becomes personally offensive when I'm like, I don't know if this is it for me. As opposed to, like, if I was just like, I'm looking at a fuck, I could be like, well, he just wanted to. But, like, I do, like, my parents, I like hang out with them. Yeah. I like hanging with my brother.

He's married recently. I like his wife. I like the dynamic we have as a friend. family. It would be really heartbreaking for me if that dynamic got ruined. So, and I talk about that in my standup. I want to preserve the dynamic of my family. I also don't want to do anything different in my life. I don't want to self-improve. I don't want to stop having fun. I don't want less money in my life. I want to live exactly the same way with just someone who likes my company next to me. So take me as I am. And it's such a bad way to

Look, I know I'm wrong. Someone's listening. They're like, gonna DM me. They're like, you gotta be better if you're gonna have a woman in your life. And it's like, I know. I'm a piece of shit. I just don't want to stop drinking. I don't want to stop eating.

I want to keep going on vacation. And I just want someone that likes doing that with me while sucking my dick. I'll go down on them too. Oh, yeah, of course. Give some takes off. I like to eat. No, I, you know, it's like, I feel delusional. Don't you?

Yeah. When someone's like, do you want to find something? someone you're like, I'm 39, what the what am I talking about? Of course I want to find someone, but I'm the exact same way. I'm like, I've already done everything to get to where I am and I like where I'm at, so I don't

want to change anything for someone else. I've said this and this sounds mean. The only thing that could ruin my life is a woman. Like, if you think about it, like the only thing that could ruin your life is a guy. Yeah. Like, you get married, you go, we're in love, no pre-nup. Who cares? Caution of the

win year later. He's like, let's do a Swiffer campaign. you're like what that's my fear right right it sneaks up on you you go and people say it all the time they're like they changed when the baby came they changed at the wedding they change yes scares the shit out of me it scares the shit out of me and i've said this on my podcast a million times and i've told all my friends i will i will casually date someone for a full year before i decide if i'm going to commit to them because i'm so scared of how much people change like i feel like i speaking to my salt i just i'm sorry you're so scared because it's like, what if in a year they realize, oh, well, I could get this kind of money from doing an Instagram and being her story. And then I'm like, ah, you're doing it again. Well, you know, it's so funny how easily people toss around, oh, you've got to fear a commitment. It's like, yeah. What do you? What do you talk? Why is that? And you don't? I think you're delusional. You think it's going to go well for you? You're the one that's going to have a happy marriage, good kids? That's delusion. Right. So what's better? Delusion or fear? Both. You need a mix. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, my brother was telling me like he like went to see like stay with his like in-laws and he's telling me about it and he had a great time. He's like, I love them. They're great. But as he was telling me this story, I was like hugging my pillow. I was like, thank God. I don't have anybody that I have to go to some brunch. No.

It's a scary. Commitment is a scary thing. I could never even commit to like when I lived in Vancouver, I wouldn't even commit to. getting a couch like I lived in a studio and I would just put a chair if I wanted to like watch TV I was too scared because I was like a couch that's a commitment right I think we're the same person I remember I like had recently ended a relationship I was living in my studio and I was like mixing egg whites in a plastic bowl with my one fork and I was literally going I don't think I've ever been happier in my life like I had my one like I was like I was like one of those like those people that ride the rails with their like their their sticking bindle like in my bindle was just a bull and a fork and a dream of getting blown by a fun woman that was like you know like that doesn't make me improve at all that's all I want just a woman who doesn't want any improvement out of me where are you it's like when people are like I want someone who challenges me I'm like I don't no what someone who agrees with everything I can say

Everything I say, but also has their own opinion to make me do stuff that I wouldn't do. Oh, my God, we're always going to be single. Yeah, maybe this is the realization. I just had a moment. I was like, oh, wait. We'll be here podcasting. We're both 82. Maybe I could meet someone.

No, this is literally, I was making this joke at my friend's wedding that I was, I was emceeing their wedding. You emceived the wedding? What made you agree to that? Oh, my God, that is on my bucket list. Really? Yes, I love the idea of... The fact that you call it emceeing. It's very Canadian.

Yeah, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Canada, we emcee weddings. That's interesting, okay. Which makes sense, because you guys in the States have, like, some random DJ who you don't know and no personal connection to running the whole wedding. Yeah, DJ Jeff. Yeah. And he is the bride and groom.

Yeah, what? I don't like that. Do you have, what do you think of, like, wedding entrances? I hate it. I hate it. When the groom's party, the... And they do, like, the football toss and the... grab and then they go laugh and come up with something fun and like everyone looks at me like

what are you going to do you're the comedian and I'm always like um what if I just squat it and took a shit on the dance floor is that funny to you like I'm the miserable and then there's always someone that's like much more fun than me you know that's like I'm sure you get this too where they're like oh you're on TV you what are you going to do and you're like I don't know what the I'm going to do and then like someone else is like the most the most alive person you've ever seen. It's like this guy who's like, I'm going to go out there. I'll do a flip.

And then I'll take the woman on my shoulders and I'll give her a flower that I made out of origami. And they're like, he should be the comedian. And I'm like, yeah, he should do kids parties. This is crazy. How did you do a flip? Make me a bicycle clown. Right.

That's, I honestly hate an entrance. I also, there's a lot of like, like, I hate happy birthday. I hate singing happy birthday. Really? Yeah, I hate it. Yeah. I like a happy birthday for another table. Like if someone's singing, if I'm on a date and there's another table singing happy

birthday, I'm in. Really? Happy birthday. Oh, I hate it. I hate the song. I'm adding vibrato. I'm in. That stuff I like.

I don't know why. Really? I'm so particular about so many things. Clapping on a plane? Hate it. See, I like doing things people hate to just watch. them squirb. Okay, I could, I'm petty like that.

I'm petty like that. Right, yeah, that's the type of boyfriend I am where I'm just like, I'm never going to change. Yeah. And I'm going to make you literally like a crawl out of your skin. Crawl out of your skin. That's a fun, wow, I am going to be single forever. You're right. I know.

You're right. I was watching this, it was my friend getting married who I was like, at least I'll have him for the rest of my life because there's no way this guy's getting married before me. He's the one that got married. And I was emceeing his wedding, and I was just like, like, joking about how I'm like, we were supposed to be the drunk, like weird aunt and uncles, everybody else's kids. I'm like, you're leaving me. What a fun emcee.

It was supposed to be us. You were supposed to be single forever. You're leaving me. Congratulations, Ron and Laura. Hope you have a good life. I'll be here alone. Play shout. Play shout.

Now! MC needs a break! That was me. That was you. They're like, why did we hire this woman? I was like trying to make, like, jokes about how I've been engaged twice. And they're like, oh, God. Everyone's like, oh, cool. Is Caitlin Bristow okay?

No, she's never okay. That's part of my brand. This is what they hired you for, yeah. That's part of the brand is that I don't think I'm ever going to be okay. And I need somebody to accept that and not change me. No, I think we're going to find it. We have to stay delusional. Yes, I think the delusional confidence really does work.

Yeah, I mean, I ate two subs last night, a sandwich for lunch, I'm probably going to get pizza on the way home, and I'm going to say to myself, you've had a good day eating. I'm going to be delusional. Tonight I'm going to think I'm hot. That's me too. We're always going to think we're hot. As long as we always think we're hot. I'll be getting surgery until the day I died of You ever see a picture of you like weeks later

And you're like I thought I was hot that night Yes It's so annoying But I also do the opposite Where I was like I'll look at a photo from two years ago And be like I thought I looked so terrible And it was so hot then

You bring up a great point I think there's a sweet spot I think a photo from two weeks ago Will make you feel horrible A photo from two years ago Will make you go Wow I should have been easier on myself Yes

You know I was just in can brag And I did a paper panel with Spotify, brag. And then I, from one angle, I was like, that's the best I've ever looked. And then someone else posted another angle and I was like, why did you have to ruin? So I was one angle hot? Yeah. I ruined my whole week.

This is also a part of social media that I hate is that. It's like. Sneaks up on you. It really does. And especially when I, like, you know, I'll do a meet and greet for signing bottles of wine and girls will be like, oh, can we take that photo again? I didn't look good in that. I'm like, how do you think I feel? Right.

I got to see every photo back and not have a second choice. This happens all that. No, you, I can't, I get people take a picture. Then it will be women that will be like, okay, I got my good side. Yeah. They all go to their good side and they go, do you care? And I'm like, no, I'm just, I'm just like a structure at this point. Like, I'm just like.

That's everybody's like, okay, and they know their friends good sides too. They'll be like, that's your good side. So I'll be on this. And I'm like, what about my good side? Right. No. I used to do a bit about how, you know, you take the picture from way up to, because I watched a guy

This is an old bit I used to do Where I watched a guy get told To stand on an ottoman To take a picture of women Like the women were like We want you to go higher Just get on that ottoman They made him stand on a structure

So I told the bit Whereas I'm the one getting told To go on an Ottoman So then every picture people were like Where's the Ottoman? Like every picture that I would take You got an Ottoman I'm like I did the joke

Please I'm exhausted Can we just take this picture And be nice to each other It's so funny because, like, everyone's so sweet and they want to find common ground. Right, no, there's no... Me last night, I wanted to meet the hawk to a girl who I thought was behind us. So this is an amazing, tell the story, because this is crazy. So Sydney, and we were at your show last day, and Sidney goes, Auntie, that hawk to a girl is behind me, which, first of all, the fact that my 16-year-old niece was telling me the hawk to a girl was behind me.

Let's pray to God she doesn't know what that means. No, she thinks it's just like a lollipop. And I was like, no way. And I was like, if Brad Pitt was behind me, I'd be like, that's cool. But hot-toa girl, I'm like, I want to like just, I'm already thinking of Instagram captions. Totally. Hock-Tua on three. I absolutely get a video boomerang.

Hock-Tua. Yeah. And I'm just so excited. And I turn around at the end of the show and she was really drunk and she knocked over her chair. And I was like, that's definitely her. Right. Nothing more hocktoa than drunkenly, you know. Like cleaning up her, lots of sticks and knocking over her stool.

And I was like, I looked at her and she looked at me and I'm like, are you somebody? And I'm like, hating myself in the moment because I'm like, when people do that to me, I'm like, I know you know. Right. Just say like, hey, Caitlin. And they're like, are you? And it was me doing it. And I finally felt like empathy for people that just try and find common ground. they're just like

they don't know the entry I probably would have said the same shit to you if I took a photo and you did it on him in bit I'd be like I'm gonna say something that relates to his comedy show

because he wrote the joke why wouldn't he like it right and so the girl looks at me and I was like it's not the Hawk to a girl and she was like no and I was like

is she doing a bit is that actually her and then I looked and I was like I actually don't think it's her and I was like you're not and she was like what

and I was like I gotta go is she from here oh she is she's from here She wasn't just out that night on like, oh, she lives here. It is funny to think that there's, like, other women be like, I get Haktua all the time. Yeah, I get the spit on the dick woman all the time.

It's kind of like my thing. Yeah, like I'm sure you get compared to other people like, oh, you look like it. And it's like the worst, the worst. Like, it's like nothing you want to hear less than you look like. Yeah. I was once on a date, and a woman was like, you know, you look like, you have the same vibe. You kind of look like my friend's husband. And I go, oh, cool, he sounds hot, like, trying to move on.

And then she, like, took the picture out. And I was just like, no, it's never good. It's never, it wasn't, and I don't want to, like, talk shit on the guy. Like, you know, you go, who am I? But you go, you know, what the worst part is? You know, she's on a date with me. I don't like her taste. That's how much I hate myself.

She's like, oh, here's a picture of a guy who looks like you who I'm semi-attracted to because I'm on a date with you. And I'm like, what's the thing? What are you? What are you into that? Me, it's a picture of me. Oh, God. I love talking to funny people on the podcast

because I just end up getting like an ab workout from laughing. Is this funny or sad? I don't know what it is. It's funny. All I want is to find someone that I can make a Clorox commercial with. You just want to monetize off of TikTok

with your new girlfriend. I saw your death meal. I took a screenshot. Oh, you did? Would you think of it? I liked it. I'm trying to find... I always love knowing people's death meal.

Highest grade salmon sashimi, same page. I love a salmon sashimi. Oh, my gosh. I don't know if it's my death meal, but I agree with the order. As a starter? Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah, I like that. What else would you start with? Watered Calamari?

Okay, I want to give away your bits. Appetizer? What am I going with? Yeah. Crab Rangoon. Really? couple goons. A couple sea goons.

Yeah, maybe a pooh-poo platter. I love Asian. I go Asian a lot. Entree, spicy vodka sauce, Penny or Pepadel. I like that order. It's not the entree. I'm going, maybe an awesome blossom. What's that?

You don't know, an awesome blossom is? Is that like a steakhouse blooming onion? Is that? Yeah. I was just making that up. No, it's a fried onion. That's what you would take over a popper deli or like a... Well, it's an appetite.

I don't know. I'm trying to think of like what I... Well, I know exactly what I would do. Like, the best pasta ever had. My death food... I would go to Cafe Fresh in Needom, Massachusetts, and I would get a bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel as my appetizer.

They have the best. It's a child in favor of it. I'm from there. So there's nostalgia built in. Okay. Then I would go, I would have a full Chinese food dinner. So it would be like... Yeah.

Wings, well done. duck sauce mixed with mustard fried rice house fried rice pork pork fried rice I'd do like a chicken with peanuts I always like a chicken with peanuts I always like a chicken with peanuts

Yeah like oh no Chicken satay different But I would do that That sounds good A low main I would Lowman was up there for me Between all that by the way

It was yes And then my finisher Like my dessert I'm not a sweets guy So I probably have like Joe's pizza as my dessert Joe's pizza's so good

you've had it since besides McDonald's fries was yours yeah McDonald's they gotta be hot like car fries this is our death meal this is like exactly

car fries like where you don't wait till you get home yeah you get one for the car one for home and they go oh you know no one knows dessert fruit and cheese plate that's the one where I didn't understand

oh my gosh I love chocolate toffee sticky pudding this is your list yes yes I love as a dessert do you know how some people like on an airplane when they offer me dessert now I'm breaking because I sit first class

but when they're like do you want this or a cheese plate? You don't believe that anyone listening thought you were sitting Delta comfy like you don't believe that right this is me making fun of Caitlin I always feel guilty when I was me Caitlin coming out oh

when I choose a dessert from the basket they bring to Delta Comfort you sit in first class you lay flat seats you Caitlin Bristow you own a one company okay you're you're a shee oh i'm a delta slut same i call myself a delta whore all the time really yes i'm delta horrid diamond medallion you know diamond yeah me too so i'm already there by the way for the year same okay so we are one and the same we're we're gonna be single forever

but we will be diamond medallion members we got we got one thing you might have kids but we have status we have priority boarding Sure, you have a kid that hugs you and goes, thanks, Daddy. Well, I got Daddy Delta. Daddy Delta. You know all my ideas, and they kind of stole it? What? The lounges for Delta.

I love the Delta lounges. I do too. I don't like the smell, though. That's, I agree. They've got a very distinct smell. They have a distinct smell. I know exactly what you're talking about. I always thought that they should get, like, someone out of culinary school.

Yeah. And then just give them the lounge. and then when you walk in They have done that But they haven't done that They didn't go all the way This was my idea And then someone was like

They took your idea No they didn't They had like famous chefs Yeah And they do like one dish Yeah you're right And it's like no no I want like someone

Who's like a young Like people in their 20s want to work And want to feel valued Yeah When you get out of college All you want is like A job where you like

Are doing something And it feels like You're on your way And you're learning You want to learn I think people So much shit to young people It's so stupid

All they want to do is work and get good at something so that they can be a valuable member of society. How great it would be if Delta had like a culinary program where they go to school, you go Johnson and Wales in Rhode Island, you go, hey, top of the class, we're going to put you each at your own lounge.

And it has a kitchen, it's got food supplies, you do, you boo. And how great would it be? If you got to like, you got to like, you know, we're here in Nashville. If I go to the Nashville Delta Lounge and it's like a big bio of like a young kid 23 who's like I went to this school

I this is kind of where I get my thing my grandma she's from you know Saudi Arabia I don't know they've got a whole immigrant story and you read it and you go great I'm gonna get a little Saudi dish from grandma you know and then you walk in and then the whole buffet like snacks

everything is done by them yeah that's my dream and then I wanted to have a TV show that's only on Delta where I go from lounge to lounge and I do reviews of everyone. Hey, Claudia Oshry. She what? She has a show on a Delta plane.

She does? Yeah. Her like stand-up is on the Delta screens. Great move by her. I know. Wow. If only she would have me on her podcast. Oh, did she not?

I've been on way back when. I would love to go back. I've always asked, no, you know, you're the only one that has me on. What am I doing? What are you? You really f***ed up. Damn it. Hey, and they do well. These podcasts do well. People love you.

Do they? We had a good time last time. I had a great time last time. It did really well last time and people loved it. Let's bring it back. Let's hope for the best. Okay, you're going to get a show on Delta. Right. And I'm going to serve my rosé on Delta flights. Yes. Why wouldn't? I can't believe they're not doing that. I'm trying. It's hard to get into. You have to have a certain, it's a certain percentage of alcohol also that has to be in wine to be on a plane. Really? Yes. And is it high or low? I think it has to be lower. Oh, really? Because they don't want people getting too.

Yeah, and I think something happens in the air with the alcohol. It's like why do people have ginger ale on a flight? They say like it tastes different in the air. Yeah. Isn't that what you drink in the air, Sid? It's good. But they don't have diet ginger ale and I'm like 100 calories. Come on.

I got to save that for later tonight when I'm having two subs. I'm going to save my calories. I do that too. I'm so sad. You know how sad I am? Someone gave me Because I'm there too Right

Someone offered me They're like It was like a You ever like stare at a spin drift And you're like 30 calories What am I a pig And then like later that day You're just stuffing your face

On crab rangoon I do this all the time And I do it at the grocery store Where I'm like A loaf of bread for 275 When the one next to it like a buck 50. It's so weird how we rationalize it.

And then I go and drop like thousands of dollars at Sephora for makeup that people send me for free anyways. You're like drinking cane sauce. Raising cane sauce while debating, you know, the merits of a 30-cali-cali. Someone's going to walk by me one day and they're going to just see me talking to myself and I'm going, and I'm just going

it's not the spin drift, Jared. It's not the spin drift. Your problems aren't the spin drifts. It's the 30 martinis you had last week. You fucking fat idiot. That's going to be me. And someone's going to go, I don't think Jared's doing well. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I feel like I was on that path like a couple months ago. I feel like I was on that path where people were like, I think we've got ourselves another Britney Spears. I think everyone's on that path. Grab a coffee and discover nonstop action with Bud MGM Casino. Check out our hottest exclusive. Friends of one with multi-drop. Once even more options.

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Michael Phelps went on Fallon. Yeah. And I was drunk and I was in Delta Comfort. see big loser oh my god that makes me so uncomfortable for you i'm i know you would never know katelyn's been a lot of time been a lot of years since you've felt the felt the felt the the the disgusting of delta comfort i'm sitting there it was l-a to miami i'm like like a sardine and i'm just like on i'm drunk and i'm like and michael phelves is on like kimal no he's on phallin and he has this clip of him and like you just got to take care of your mental health like he's like all i do is

call my boy Chuck and they're like Chuck he's like Charles Barkley you got to check in on each other and I got so angered by this thing because I was like I was like is Michael Phelps like paid by like better help or something I don't know what's going on because he's always talking about mental health I'm like this is like the greatest Olympian and listen

I am not saying that rich people successful people don't have mental health issues like in no way I'm not Michael Phelps but what's that I said I'm I've got terrible mental problems I'm not Michael Phelps yeah but you're doing okay you're a CEO I hate that so much. So that's right, girl.

So I saw this and I commented. I never comment. I just wrote, I wrote something shitty. I was just like, I wrote like, is anyone else done with Michael Phelps telling us how hard life is? While we sit and when he never, when he's, when we all can't retire and we're sitting on in Delta comfort, it was like something like that.

Yeah. And then all these people, I just got crushed. Did you really? Oh my God, hated. Hate it. And people were like, You seem like you're sad out of your mind. I'm like, I am sad.

I'm, middle seat, come for black. But then I went and watched the fuller interview. Yeah. And it's funny, like, what you put on social media is just like, people are just trying to connect. And, like, I went and watched the full interview. And it came up there like, well, is it hard for you to watch the Olympics? He's like, this is the first Olympics where I felt comfortable watching

because I can't compete in it anymore. I was like, that's the speech. Yeah. That's the one where a smart person doesn't need to have it hammed. over his head that like take care call Charles Barkley like that's the dumb version and it's so funny because like the dumb version makes me angry don't pander to me the the real version is yeah I was a superhero once and now I feel human yeah and I feel less than they're never going to put that on social media right that's the difference and that's but maybe that's why people get

so angered and troll they're like a hundred there's many reasons people get angry troll but that's hit them at the wrong time so yes that's that's And it is one of my favorite things to do. If it does bother me, I try and think of like, okay, like, I'm going to reach out to them and ask, like, are they going through something? And a lot of times they are. Yes, everyone is. Even Michael Phelps. I said last night, we're 2024 is on drugs.

Like, everyone's going through something in their own world. I talked to you about this last night, but you have a freaking Netflix comedy special. I have a special. That's huge. You know, literally, we taped our episode and I found out the week after. You're my good luck charm. I found out the next week. I have a new special I want to tape.

The one I did last night, that's the new special. When are you going to tape it? I want to be the audience. I think it's really good. I've always wanted to be in the audience for a taping. You're invited. Last night, I'm telling you, Sidney and I were like belly laughing at your, the whole thing. Sydney thought she peed herself.

I love it. That's my goal. I want the whole room to question their own bodies. A bodily function. Barley, yeah. Well, you know, it's an hour story about going to the beach of my parents. that's the whole premise and if you're someone who's

39 and a single loser like us you well it's again it goes back to like the relationship I have with my parents I love my parents they annoy me yeah same right I think that's everyone but what gets said a lot like what takes up the air in the room like now

is like I never had any parents and you're like and it's like a lot of stand-up specials are like this like this kind of like trauma porn and you're like I know what they're doing is a form of art and it's funny. But to me, like, I live a good life. I grew up in a good home and

and I, you know, I grew up during a time when it was like the largest middle class in the history of the country. So, like, I can't be that far away from most people. That's true. But when you go in a stand-up, you know, everyone's looking for their angle, you know? Like, and I've kind of come to terms with my angle is pretty normal.

I'm okay with that. My fear is watching people all around the room nodding their heads while laughing. It was like the man beside us was probably 60 and then the people in front of us were 80 and then the people beside us were 20 like everyone was nodding their heads laughing.

That means a lot to hear, thank you. I'm proud of this I put a lot of time in a stand-up. The special that's on Netflix, I enjoy that too. But when you make your first special, like I've never like had someone be like, go on to, like I did Fallon twice

which was cool but you do a five minutes set but like that came kind of later than a lot of my friends so I never really had like the Comedy Central people be like do a half hour so like I had all this build of material

so it's on Netflix called 37 and single and you can go watch it but it's like it's a combination of like 10 years of my life so when that taped now it's like you have all that material from 10 years of stand up gone so it's like what are you going to talk about now and I had this story that happened in like

2017 or 18 where I was at the beach with my parents and I got into a fight with my dad and it turned into this it was a two minute story and every time I told it before every time I told it people got sad and it like didn't work

but then I was like I kind of like this story it's just so interesting to me because this is so my parents so my family and then when the special got taped I was like my mind was freed I didn't have these crutches of like other jokes that I knew worked so I kept telling it and

then I went into like oh I could talk about my dad and I could talk about my mom and like oh and now it's gone from a two minute story to an hour and 10 minute story and I don't think it feels long I hope it doesn't but it doesn't at all it's thank you and it's really like and my parents

they came to the comedy seller and I was working on this material in New York I'm friends with all the people to comedy sell let's if you're in New York if you're looking for like what can I do on a night the comedy seller's it and I know this like you know the audience that we share you know like I

I have a very, like, you know, Caitlin Bristow audience. It's not like a, you know, most stand-up is, like, you know, the pleasure I got from the special was, like, so many people would be being like, oh, this is a stand-up special I can watch with my boyfriend, and it's not the boyfriend dragging you to, like, a rogan bro that you don't really like. Like, this is for both boyfriend and girlfriend or, you know, couples, a couples of all elks. So, but you go to the comedy cellar. Like, you're going to have a great time, and it's like a, economical and all that.

stuff. And make a reservation for any show. I would say to you right now, don't even look for a line up. Just make McDougal Street or Village Underground. Those two rooms the best. So I'm doing this material about my parents and like the staff. I'm friends with like the managers, the wait staff. And my parents came to New York and they're like, have they seen it yet? Because I'm making fun of my mom and dad. And I'm like, no. But why would, and they go, oh my God. So they go and sit my parents in like the jump seats like where like Desco. And you can see the whole staff is like watching my parents and see them watch the jokes.

By the way, I'm not telling any lie. Lies. My parents can go fuck themselves. They're assholes. And they know these stories and they said, I start doing the bits. My mom is screaming laughing. She's the loudest laugher in the room.

And she's like literally in her seat like disagreeing with it going, no, wow, no! Like yelling back at the stories that I'm telling that are completely true. And like we rehash these things. So it's like, you know, it's like those stories you tell.

with your parents a million times and you're still laughing them it's kind of like that's what the show is did the crowd know that your parents yes by the end I go that's my mom

and I had a woman she was like I'm a huge fan and DME she goes I was sitting next to your mom she was going crazy yeah my mom's a character like my parents my parents

this tells you everything about my parents and it's going to be a bit one day it's not in the new show my dad offered me his OZempick a couple weeks ago oh wow Can you, and I go, what?

And my mom was next one, she goes, yeah, just take this week. And I go, this is like doctor prescribed. And I go, don't you think this is insulting? And they're like, they're like, why, you need it, take it. And I'm like, I'm not taking a bump of your OZempic. Like, I'm not doing a line here. They were like two high school drug dealing bullies. And I was like, I'm not.

Take it, man. Come on, do some oh. You know, like, it was like very, very. of all. Yeah, like it was like crazy. And honestly, like I'm a pro-Ozempic person.

Like I think like what it's doing for people like I hate it's interesting. Again, to go back to the internet like moral superiority. You have these people that are like you should work. And it's like this is an addiction. Yeah. This is an addiction medication. I've listened to all these pockets about it.

They're like, they're like it's helping. I think I heard that it helps people with cigarette stuff. Like, oh really? I think it helps people with like that thing that tickles your brain. And I have that. But this is how Viagra was found. It was like another medication that became this.

So like we don't know what this is. It's early. But like, listen, when I hear about people like taking it and it's just funny to me, like, like my dad's started taking it. And I think he's on like a very low dose. But like he's on like the dosage that I'm like, I think this is the future. Like he used to graze a lot, doesn't graze at all. Really?

Like he still eats. And he's not lost like weight where it looks like weird. Some of the Ozemic people, they're like a deflated balloon, like a balloon that's been out for a little long. And I'm like, I don't want that for me. I know, like, gaunt. Right. I want like, just a little, like, I want like a little tiny ozempic.

I know, it all starts. That's how it all starts. I just want a little ozimic. I come back next week next year for my yearly podcast appearance, half of this chair. And you're like having had a sub since 2024. Would you eat last night? air that's what I'm into I don't know I I'm a positive thinking with that stuff I I think it's

wonderful that people are getting help in a way like I don't know what's it going to do the snack food industry like I think it's like interesting this is all funny but like the hard part is no one would believe that I lost weight if I lost weight no one would be like he did it the right the other way right now it's only like the only way for me to lose weight is Oz epic like the people would be like oh you got into running really And I'd be like, yeah, I swear I joined a run club. They're like, oh, yeah, I'm right. No martinis anymore?

Nope, just Barry's boot camp. That's me. You know me. Jared Barry's boot camp, freed. That's me. That's what they call me. Call me the triathlete. I think about doing an Iron Man.

Yeah. So I had a driver the other day. He goes, you ever heard of the Iron Man? I go, yeah, I'm doing no one next week. And he looked at me. He's like, what? I was like, I'm kidding. Can you be less shot?

So shocked. I swear to God he almost drove off the road. He was like, excuse me? Be less shocked. Be less shocked, please. Oh, shit. What time is it? I got to make sure. Okay. What time is your show? It's not in an hour. It's three o'clock. What am I doing the daycare show? I don't know. I have one game to play with you before I let you go. Oh, no, I'm just making, no, I'm more than good. Are you? Absolutely. Okay, I just have a couple of what would Jared do questions.

Here we go. Here we go. Would I do a Swiffer campaign with my girlfriend? No. How much they pay it? How much is Johnson and Johnson given these people? Okay, I'm going to read out various funny and relatable dating scenarios. Okay.

And you will provide us with your insightful take on how you'd handle the situations. I don't know how insightful, but I'm going to answer for me. Yeah. And that will probably be 10% away from every guy ever. There you go. You're on a first date with someone you met on a dating app. And within the first 15 minutes, they've already told you their entire life story, including their last three breakups, their ongoing feud with their neighbor.

What would Jared do? I would love every second of it. I would take it and use it as a bit later. Well, yeah, it depends on, like, I actually think, let it all out. Like, I think vulnerability produces vulnerability. Some people would be like, that's too much. I don't believe in to anything on a date. Okay.

Like, I think, like, you... What about too quiet? That's you. You know, then there's a right match. We might not be the match, but, like, there's someone who likes a too quiet person. You know, like, I think, like, this idea of, like, to anything is now who are you comparing it to? You know, like, if, you know, who's doing it well, you know, nobody. So, that's true.

This is, that's a very, like, diet and exercise answer that question. But I would also say I would then be... Here's what I think. I'm not trying to be funny If someone like 15 minutes I got their whole life story All the breakups I would be encouraged to do that as well

And I think that's like a really good date So like I think vulnerability produces vulnerability I think that's how you become intimate with someone And yeah I think you're on a good date if that's happening If you feel comfortable enough to give it back Spin Zone I'm sorry I like that answer

The key of being a good comedian Is to know when to hold it back Okay And that was a moment. I think the keto good podcast about dating is like you've got to also be honest. Yeah. Because then people won't have, you know, because to some people dating is like the hardest thing in their life. You know, like, and you go, oh, I used to make fun of it all the time.

And I'd be like, oh, and then like you, when you help, you know, when people go, oh, I gained a little, you go, okay, maybe I should. I don't know. Stop farting on air. Like, what if I just, see, there's a key to good comedy, good fart noise. That's so my humor. Okay, you're on a date, your date starts mentioning things about you that you haven't told them, but you've posted on your social media. They even reference a vacation photo from three years ago. What does Jared do?

See, this is the problem. Like, I have people that are like, it's so weird that I know this about you. I'm like, well, it'd be weird if I didn't admit that I posted that about myself. Right. You know, like, that's the thing. It's like, I'd much rather that where they're like saying, like, oh, you said this than someone who's like, I've never heard such a podcast. What are you talking about? And they pretend they don't know anything when they know.

Pretend you, like pretending you don't know anything about me is way worse than admitting you know things about me. So I actually, I'm on the side of like three years ago vacation. Let's talk about it. Like I would just go in. Because now I know where I stand. I'm not living in a lunaticus. That's true. Now you know that they're invested in that they've done a little bit of research.

And that I can go, oh, I'm not going to like retell the story. Nothing feels worse than you go on the date and they're like, you know, I'm like telling them. story I told on a podcast once because I don't got that many stories I got to repeat somewhere Oh my God, I repeat all the time I'm like I've been doing this for seven years I can't imagine how many times I've repeated myself

Absolutely and you go on and date It's like how much could you have in the bag You know? Last one Ooh I'm decided between two Do both. Okay, after just one date Your date starts talking about future plans together like vacation, Christmases, holidays as if they've been dating you for months

What do you do? I say Oh I would, here's the problem And this is like good advice If someone, people are agreeable Yeah Hey, I had a great time Doesn't mean anything

Yeah Oh my God, that is a fun idea Doesn't mean anything Okay I would just keep agreeing Yeah Keep agreeing This is the problem

Like he said he had a good time On the date Everyone does that People opt for comfortable Over uncomfortable 95% of the time Most people don't get done When the first date

And go This was fine but it isn't for me. Like, it's very unlikely. Yeah. I don't know if even people want that, but they're kind of asking for that. Yeah.

But it's like after a date, like if someone was like, and we could go to Machu Picchu and do the Inca Trail. I'd be like, wow, this sounds great. I'll bring some gorp and we'll be good to go. I'm going to just go along. I'm a f***er.

I'm a people pleaser. I'm going to look them in the eye and tell them everything they want to hear. And they're going to go home and be like, those people things are going to the Inca Trail? I'm not leaving home. That's like that friend's episode where Chandler, at the end of the date, can't just say like,

like, I'm not going to call you. And he keeps being like, God, I keep having to go on another day with this girl because he can't say anything but, well, that was fun. Let's do it again sometimes. It's the same thing. And it's like people say everything to get to comfortable.

Yeah. And they go home and they reassess. Yeah. Life is swiping on an app if you think about it. like you're not just swiping once yeah you swipe right on their first picture then you look at their profile then you decide again do I really want did I really mean the swipe right then you go on the date didn't I really mean the swipe right then you go you talk on the phone did I really mean the swipe right you know

like there was someone they texted me they they texted me something I was talking to this girl and what did the text say it was something like that I was like I don't know if I could ever date this but based on the text that I got like it was like we're speaking a different language and she was being very nice, but I was like, wow, there's, this is a swipable moment, you know, and I think we all have those along the way. And it is frivolous. It's probably the reason I'm still single. It's why I'm alone at night, and I have nobody, and I eat two subs after having a martini alone at a second bar that I didn't even remember going to. But, you know, maybe that's

the real. I'm laughing because it's relatable to me. I literally got done at a bar, went to another bar, and sat, and there was no one in there, and there was a disco, ball going. Stop. Where was it? I swear to God. What's across the street from Sawhouse? What's it called? It's a coffee cafe, but it's also club. It's vegan? Yeah, Flamingo. So they were very nice.

The bartenders were great. But they were like, I literally go up to the door and the guy, and the two bouncers, they were like, I was like anyone in there, they're like, it's going to be just you man. Perfect. And I go, great. That sounds great. Went to the back. And but it's like, if it's just me, turn on the Dave Matthews,

turn off the disco ball. Can we make this a normal bar? I don't need like while I'm like sipping a martin like put on the DMB Dahn Don't Don't don't

Don't What was that? Ants Marching Oh, oh I thought you were I wasn't picking up That's the worst You ever pick a sex playlist

And it's you go one artist And they have like a non song Ants marching, because Dave Matthews could be a good sex playlist, like, dung-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. And you're like, I'm like, you know, feeling her soul. And then all of a sudden, d'ant, dan, d'n, you're like, not really a fool. That's true. That's a bono killer. Oh, God, okay.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Right? Last time, too, da-da-da. Now I want to go to a flamingo bar and drink a martini. I'm in. I'll be there tonight, 1.30 a.m. I'll be in bed. At 1.30 a.m., look out the window.

You'll be looking at the same moon as me. I love doing that. What time is it there? Down the street. It's 1.30 here, too. What time is it where you are? You ever have that conversation? Yes, yes.

Dating song? Just two idiots. Yeah. I love two idiots together. I was in Fron. Oh, Prong. Sofra, South of Fra. Oh.

And my mom, what time is it there? That's all we talked about. What time is it there? My mom, I go 10.42, she goes. Cool. Like, no, she was like 8.42 here. Good to know. Talk to you tomorrow.

I get so mad at my mom because she'll ask me questions and I just respond. Google it. Right. So you can easily find this question yourself. You are Google. I'm or Google. I just Google it. Okay, last scenario.

You're out to dinner. on a date, and your date insists on ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. The lobster! But how will I get home tonight? I can't afford anything. The lobster and the nicest bottle of wine. And the bill comes, and she forgets her wallet. Well, she didn't forget shit.

Yeah, exactly. I was on a date. You want to hear? It was so, this was embarrassing. Tell me. I'm on a date, and, you know, it's check time. I also wrote, I did a TED talk about who should pay for the date. Actual TED Talk?

Yeah. Amazing. Ted X in Reno. It was years ago. You can find it online. It's a more introspective look at the subject so you can find it. But again, it goes back to what I said at the beginning about being turned off. Yeah.

It's okay to want to pay. It's okay to not want to pay. I'm not like going to sit here and be like, if you don't pay, you're a loser. Yeah, yeah. You better be able to pay or you're never going to fuck again. Like, I don't know why we have to go so extreme on it. Yeah. But so the.

the check was coming and I like went to my wallet but they kept coming over and not bringing a check they'd bring other things like at the end of this meal and I didn't want to be the guy like holding out his card

like on me you know like I was like kind of like waiting for the moment to put it so the guy comes over and he puts down this like tray and it's and I'm like being hypervigilant of like whether it's a checker

he goes this is compliments of the house and it was like a dessert it was like two cookies and I go oh look at I'm looking at the cookies and she goes do you want to, and the girl goes, do you want to split it?

I go, yeah, we split the cookies. And she goes, I go, yeah, we split it. And she pulls out her credit card. You could just see her on her face like, I can't believe we're splitting it. And I'm like, the cookies. And she's like, what? I go, split the cookies. This is not a check.

And she was like holding her card. She goes, oh my God, thank God. She goes, I thought you were actually going to do that. And I go, no, I'm planning on paying. I go, it's not like, this is what I want to do. It's not because I'm trying to like, you know, pull one over on you. This is what I would, I asked you to come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, I was like, you could put it away. But it was like this weird, it's like the worst timing of all awkward moments. I hate when servers come in, they go, do you want it together? Do you want to split or how do you like the bill? And I'm like, drop it. Just drop it. I hate when they do that. We'll scrap.

We don't need you involved. Or have it separated on. the bill and we can all either put it in whatever or you have it set that's what i did as a server i'd have everybody separated and then i'd bring the bill and i just lay it down you can either all look at what you owe or wait you'd have it like already split up yeah we had to at the restaurant i worked at really yeah that's very canadian of you yeah it's very like i don't want any trouble here yeah sorry i just want everyone sorry sorry sorry yeah everyone no i feel bad when i drop off the bill at all oh my god i'm sorry i'm sorry i i don't know that whole thing of like

dating pay if they ordered the most expensive thing i wouldn't i guess i would notice if it was like i had its own section yeah like if they were like wag you for wag me i'd be like okay um feels like you're taking advantage here but i wouldn't even i i'm such a wuss like i would be like oh the waggoo good for you that sounds delicious can i try like i i wouldn't say a word yeah we should do this again you know like it's the same thing Oh, God, the people pleaser. I do that sometimes too. Okay, so people can find your Netflix special on Netflix.

It's on Netflix. Well, I hope that this is another good luck charm. It's called 39 Big Fat Loser. No, it's actually called 37 single. And it's on Netflix. But Instagram, you know, Bachelorette season's coming up. Yes. I'm going to be yelling at the Bachelorette.

I love your yelling at the Bachelor moments. I'm very excited to do it. I love doing it. Yeah. I dress up in costumes. and I'm an idiot. I love it. Thank you, yeah.

And thank you for having me. Always a pleasure and coming to the show. It was so fantastic. I'm so happy you guys have fun. We had the best time. It was very cool. We had the best time. Good luck on all your shows.

Tote's preach. And I literally am going to set my alarm for 1.30 just to ask you to look at the moon. I'm Caitlin Bristow. Your session is now ending. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind a rating and review. Thank you. Thank you.