Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Jonathan Van Ness: Fab Five, Fan Favorites, & Fantasy Suites

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Today’s guest is a beloved writer, podcast host, reality TV star, comedian, gymnast… some might even say he is a Hot Toddy on a cold winter’s night. One-fifth of the Queer Eye “Fab Five,” Jonathan Van Ness aka JVN, is in person with Kaitlyn in their new home city of Austin to talk about literally everything and anything. And, when we say everything, we mean everyyything. Today’s convo involves subjects including but not limited to: new & established penetration, Poptarts, vulnerability hangovers, Oprah, mens’ jawlines, patriotism, and first experiences with porn and fanny flutters. JVN leaves nothing off the table as they open up about sharing their HIV status in their book, auditioning a bit apprehensively for Queer Eye, and why she will never be a full fan of Bachelor Nation after recent changes. Oh, and last but definitely not least, make sure to get out there and VOTE, honey!  Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: TALKSPACE - To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and make sure to use the code VINE to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with eye gaming Ontario this episode off the vine is brought to you by talkspace to match with a licensed therapist today go to talkspace.com and make sure to use the code vine to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show and progressive quote a progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust progressive. Welcome to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow.

Get ready to laugh, connect, and feel empowered with Caitlin and her guests as they sip wine, lots of wine, and get candid. They say vulnerability creates connection. So save the highlight reel for Instagram because when we're among Vino's, there's no filter. It's time to unwind. Here's your host, Caitlin Bristow. Welcome to Off the Vine.

I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow, and I'm not going to lie, okay, today's guest. It had me starstruck, but at the same time when they walked into the room, I felt like we had been friends forever. They are just killing it out there in entertainment as a writer, podcast host, a grooming expert on the hit Netflix show, Queer Eye, a comedian with their own stand-up tour, and freaking gymnast. The list just doesn't end. This person is amazing. And I had the honor of talking with the one and only Jonathan Vaness. We've been anxiously waiting to meet each other for years. And it really did not disappoint, just instant best friends.

JVN is an absolute light on this earth, a gem of a human being, a warm hug on a cold day. I could go on and on, but you get the point. So enjoy my chat with Jonathan Van Nu. Oh my gosh. Yes. I have been like waiting for this moment for years. I have since literally since like the end of the Barack Obama. presidency. That's how you measure it since then. I've been waiting. I do Olympic cycles and presidential

cycles. But I've loved you since 2016. Okay. We have to talk about it because when I first got obsessed with queer eye, I was like, oh, I'm following everybody that's on the show. And I started like looking up everyone on Instagram and I get to you, you're my first actually, because you're my favorite. And you followed me already and I was like, duh. Oh my God. Like that I peaked. I'm putting that on my tombstone. No, I literally loved you so hardcore immediately. I just, because I also feel like

I just felt such a sisterhood with you because similarly I was like, because his name was Sean. Yes. I was very triggered by the bod. I was just like, I just really felt like you're my sister that whole time. I was just like, oh my God, I love her. Wait, I need to understand more. What do you mean? What was it triggering? His body was just so hot. Oh, yeah. I know. And then so many of their bodies were so hot. I know. I would have just been like

spit on my baho. I need to, you know what I'm saying? Like, I just would have been, like, I would have, like, can I get like 27 fantasy suite passes? Like, do I have to leave the fantasy suite? Or can I just like? How come nobody understood that I wanted to get down with everyone? Literally, and especially in the queer world, honey, like, I mean, this is, I don't want to speak for all queer people, but for a lot. And this is coming from someone who's like, you know, sexually compulsive. So who knows.

But for a lot of us, we just really, it's like sex is the first thing and then you hang out. Yeah. Because, like, you need to even know, because if that's not, if that's not going to happen, then it's like, what's the point of doing all this other stuff? You've got to figure it out. Well, I myself, and I learned that there's a queer scale. So everybody is a little bit queer. Oh, yeah.

Oh, good. The Kennedy, honey. Yes. I just learned about that. But now I just got double triggered because I'm really going through like a, like, like, trip down. Nick? You literally had you. How?

I am just so impressed with you. I am so impressed with you. Nick and Ben Higgins. Ben. Yeah. I just got chills, bitch. And then he went on, and then he ended up being the next one.

Yes. Yes. And then Nick was the one after that. Yes. My legacy stayed alive for a little while there. It really did. The fans were like, were and still are, continued to be strung out over Caitlin.

We just like, a love up. No, it's like, you're just like so charming. Oh, really? You're so charming. I would have never put that in like top 100 things that I would call myself until like maybe I realize I'm a little charming from television and stuff

but I didn't ever think that way about myself I always just thought I was different likable I didn't think that's so likable see I didn't think I was likable when I went on TV I thought people are not gonna like me and people are gonna hate me or love me and whatever wait which they did I guess but now

yeah so they had you and that cute girl yeah Tasia Tasia and now they went with with a non-christ like a new? It's Chris Harrison 2.0. Yeah. I know. It's a little bummed out.

I am furious. I'm furious. Any chance if I was ever going to go back to be firmly in the Bachelor Nation, like you blew it. Good. Should we start like a riot? I mean, what the fuck?

I know. I was sad. I was really sad because I really took that role seriously. Yeah. I like saw a future for myself in it. And it's not your fault that they decided to put on two people. and that was too confusing for people. It was very confusing.

Did you watch? No, but I read. Yeah. I just read. You know what it is? I'm so stressed out about the future of our country and I'm so stressed out

about what's going on to queer people. Yeah. I can only watch right now. This is how big might be on with this right now. Okay? British Bake Off. House of Dragons. Fair.

And then I also watch Easy Big Battle because it's like Ant and like must support. And it was so cute. It's so good if you haven't watched it. Like Easy Big Battle. Anteen Prowsky. New show. Really?

Oh, yeah. It's really cute. But, like, my, I'm just spending so much time, like, phone banking and, like, doing, like, election things because I'm really stressed, obviously. Yeah. But you're Canadian. I am Canadian. And then what city are you from? It's called La Duke.

I'm obsessed with Canada. Do you know? Really? So cute. It is cute. The ice skating. The hockey. Yeah.

The lack of guns. The access to health care. Like, it is just working for me. I know. Just, like, the overall vibes. Like, the vibes are viving in Canada. I just really. What am I doing here?

Well, conquering America. Yeah. Like, obviously, which is amazing. But, because, okay, so, like, if Vancouver was a bachelorette, like, if you had to compare major Canadian cities to, like, bachelorette. Yeah. Like, who is Vancouver? Oh.

Ooh. I would say, like, Emily Maynard. Because, well, she's more of a southern bell, actually. But I just, she's so, like, put together. I feel like Vancouver is very much, like, they're put together and beautiful, but also, like, like a little bit granola. I was thinking more, like, I had always thought that Vancouver was giving like that.

I don't know why I said Emily Maynard. She was just my favorite bachelorette. So I was like, Emily Maynard. What was she? She was, oh gosh, I don't you remember what year she was, but she was the best bachelorette, one of. Okay, you know why I am also obsessed with? I felt bad for that article about poor Ashley and Jared.

And they were like, why are they on Paradise? I know. But could I just say, I love her. I do too. Because it was your season. And then wasn't that season of Paradise directly after? Yes. Yeah, because that was like, that was really my moat.

That was the peak for my... Jared was my fourth. He was in my top four. Because like that jaw, honey, he's really cute. I know. And I love them together and I love their baby. I just think they're, I just think... They're a really about for success story for me.

Well, then, so Ashley told me, she was like, I'm getting hated on for being on this season. I was like, wait, can't people just appreciate, like, the legacy that you have on the show as, like, legends? No, Twitter wasn't having it. Yeah, they were not. They wanted to see, like, new penetration. And they did not want to see, like, penetration that's been. established. Yeah.

They were like new, what's like the acronym for like new penetration only MPO? Oh, MPO, yeah. They were like new penetration only we don't want to see like. That's fair. Yeah. They don't want to say like established penetrate. No EP. Yeah.

Only MPO. You know what I'm saying? So you just read on like Twitter. You don't watch because I get. No, no. I had to delete Twitter off my phone. My publicist was like girl and I was like, you're so right. So I did.

I just, I don't even have it on my phone anymore. Hey, you're setting such important boundaries for yourself to not have mental breakdowns. It really was hurting me too bad. Yeah. I don't see it anymore. But so now I just fire off tweets to my publicist and then she gets on there and gets out. But I saw an article on my Apple News

from the BuzzFeed or something. Oh, from the Ashley and Jared thing? Yeah. Oh, wow. Really makes it slow day on the news. Here's the thing about media. This is what I've learned. Yeah.

If there's more than three tweets about something, then it's backlash. Really? Because like I've literally read headlines about myself or it's like backlash from XYZ and then you go out in there. I'm like, there is three tweets. Or, like, three responses to something that you posted, you know?

But, like, it only takes three and then it's backlash. Wow. Because, like, that gets more clicks. Yeah, people love backlash. They love a backlash. Yeah. You know, nobody loves a feel-good story. They love backlash.

They love a mess. Yeah. Like, it just gets the clicks. Yeah. Because that's, like, the advertisers. You know what I'm saying? Okay, but do people read just the headlines? They don't actually click and then...

Oh, no, I read the fuck out of it. Yeah. Because I actually love context because I'm a, you know, I'm that smart slut. But a lot of people don't. I know, because they just read the, thing and then they think that's it. Yeah. That's,

what's the craziest headline you've ever read about yourself? Where you're like, that's... Well, hmm, huh. I bet you've had a lot because you're in the media all the time. Well, oh, God, I can't even, like, think of one.

There's been a few. It's more of, like, you know what? Really gagged me is, like, really mean memes. Oh, the memes, yeah. Yeah, or, like, mean, like, tweets or, like, that. Like, that's, like, yeah, that's, like, really what gags me. It's, like, really. hardcore ones.

Yes. See, I'm not on that level. I don't feel like people make memes about me anymore. Yes, they do. Well, one time somebody put me in a dumpster and said, why is that funny? They photoshop me in a dumpster and said that that's where I belong. And I thought that was kind of funny.

But you really spent your whole time, like going on here. Yeah, like Photoshop. Yeah. It was well done too. You know, I mean, honestly, either way, like, no matter where you are in the progress, like on the political spectrum. Yeah. Like, if that person was like a rabid Trump.

supporter like you could have probably converted like two people with some like Q&on theories in the time that it took you to do that or on our side you could have like registered some people to vote like yeah can we police focus on what matters yeah so here's my question okay how does anyone get anything done looking at you are so stunning i can barely even focus stop you are so stunning bitch i can't stand it these like bright I'm literally going to take that sound clip right there and make that my alarm clock in the morning. There's two things

that really trigger me with like female, like lady beauty. Okay. Dark hair, blue eyes. Yeah. I want that for myself. Like if I was going to like really live in the world as like a stunning woman I would want for me I would need blue contacts and then I would keep like, you know, I'd like maybe like go a little darker. But I'm also obsessed with

brown eyes with blonde hair. Oh, me too. Because it's like. It's striking. It's like contrast. Yeah. But you know what's funny is I actually want brown eyes. Ah. But genetically, that's like so, you got kind of like the more rare thing. Yeah, my dad, he was going to come today.

I didn't bring him, though. But he is, my dad has the bluest eyes and my mom has the blue eyes and my sister has the blue eyes. You could just have that blue eyed gene. Yeah. Speaking of rare, I just re-listen to that Selena Gomez song, Rare. It's good. It's such a good song. I know.

Wait, her documentary is coming out soon, isn't it? Probably. Yeah, she has a documentary coming out. Okay. even though like, like, Dobbs and, like, Rose overturned and, like, you know, like, all these anti-trans bills and, like, everything's really f*** up. Yeah. And this is about, like, queer joy and duality, so you can really just tell. Well, because, like, queer joy is duality.

Like, that's what my show is about. But Selena and Haley's picture. I literally liked it on, like, every single. I liked it on Vogue. Yeah. Like, every, I saw it, like, 18 times on Instagram. I liked every single one. Same.

It really warmed me. I know, because, because we see so much shit online. all the time, and people always want to pit women against each other. And those two queens just came together and they were like, look at us. We don't give a shit. That was a hot toddy on a cold winter's night for my heart. Wait, I'm changing my saying. I always say a warm hug on a cold day, but I'm changing a hot toddy.

Do you love a hot toddy? I love a hot toddy. I gained like 50 pounds on hot toddies last year. I really like. I'm relating to this very much so because I did that on my season when we were in freaking, where were we? Utah. Oh. Burr.

Yeah. Sober. And I drank hot toddies. Like nobody's business didn't realize that, yeah, I gained like 15 pounds on my season from stress and hot toddies. Yeah. I went through this like alcoholic adjacent phase through COVID. Yeah. Where I was really like self-soothing with like all this stress of like shooting TV shows.

Like whilst like just like feel like it's like a lot of like wellness and pressure. And like if someone gets hurt or like it gets sick because like I wanted to learn about whatever I was learning about. I'm getting curious. Like yeah. I was just like oh my God. This is like a lot. So then it was like hot toddies and penicillins. Oh.

Because it's like a cold hot toddy, you know, kind of. It's like that similar like honeyish. Yeah. Lemony. That's really in my like arousal template when it comes to like drinks. Yeah. I'm feeling that. I'm a wine.

I know. Can we talk about it? How did you? Because I just saw that on the grim too and I was like, bitch, she's giving me like, you were giving me like founder. She's giving me like founder. She's giving me. No. And I was like in Target like, okay, Chrissy Teagan.

Okay, I see you over there It's like building an empire I'm a living for it So how long did you have to like taste it And jose and like with rosé Do you like like do the whole like You know so funny is I I had to while tasting it

But I felt so stupid because No, you're the Somalié Well my whole thing is like It's good wine but without the rules So I'm like you don't have to do that You can just enjoy it with whatever But I had to to taste it But so Cleo is my business partner here

And so we were in Napa and we were tasting all these wines and it was so funny because I was like not using the spit bucket and so I was just getting lit on like a Tuesday afternoon and like I had like the wine lips and it was all just happening

and by the end of it I was like I'm so excited we got our cab like this is the one and we went home we cracked a bottle and we drank it and I was like I can't believe it we have a cab and then the next day we went to open it to like enjoy it again and I was like this f fend sucks.

No, because you did it It's like you did it too drunk that one Yeah, so your mouth was all like you were tasting Yeah, I wasn't tasting it properly, it was disgusting So I had to start all over again Oh, well, you live and you learn Yeah I also, I have a not totally similar story

But kind of similar Yeah When I did my Pop Tarts commercial Not to name drop But when I did my Pop Tarts commercial That's like my dream At the beginning they were like Here's your spit thing

Because I had to like eat a Pop Tart And I was like I'm not spitting out Pop Tarts What do I look like some sort of fucking idiot Like yeah I'm ready. Sin. I literally sat there and ate like two bites out of a Pop-Tart. Like I ate like 27 and like buy.

Like and it took like four hours of like eating Pop-Tarts. And like I did eventually get a spit bucket because like I was seeing triple. Like I was like. You were like Pop-Tart drunk. I felt like Bruce Brog-Trotter and Matilda when he like has to eat the entire chocolate cake. Like I literally was like. It was like I actually was like I need a break. Like I need to sit down and like drink some water.

Yeah, that's a lot of pop-tar. 27 pop-tarts. It was a lot. I know. But I just didn't want to say no. And if that had been sips of alcohol, like, I would have totally been blackout. So I see what, but it's like you do it for the non-waste. Yeah.

Sustainable company. Well, that's what I felt. I was like, it's research and development. I was just doing my job. Yeah. That's how little. Wait, what's your favorite? Obviously brown sugar cinnamon.

Okay. My smores. That's my second favorite. Okay. Everybody likes the cherry and stuff, but I like the like. Oh, that's not even, that doesn't even register for me in my top five. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. My first fruit entry is strawberry at three. Yeah. So it does get a bronze. Okay. For me, I'm like such a brown sugar center person. Yeah.

And that's where we need to be. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a gold. Yeah. Just as long as you metal. Okay. I feel that. I feel that way about Pop-Tarts.

Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart? Yes. Okay. I'm sorry. Just some people asking like questions that are like, my husband's British. So like they really like to, yeah. I feel British people though because I'm Canadian and we're... You guys are first cousins.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. So we like spell things the same. and we like our... Do you guys do favorite with a U and color with a U? Uh-huh.

I didn't know that Canadians did that. Yeah, we do. So you put an E on favorite and a U. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm really shook. Yeah, I know.

Does Australia? I don't know. Never been. I wonder in like the, because in the Commonwealth Games, when Canada and Australia play. Yeah. I wonder what gymnastics team wins. I would say probably,

canada's lately. But in the late 2010, like in the early 2010's, like late aughts, I think it would have been Australia because they really had this like moment. I need to talk. Not that you asked. No, but I'm thinking about it. No, I'm very happy that we thought that out of love. You know who the fuck you should have on this podcast? Ellie Black. Okay. She's like the best Canadian gymnast. She also Brooklyn Moors is really good. She's really good. But Ellie Black is like a world medalist. She literally got fourth on Beam in Tokyo by like 0.00 like to have Simone. Like she She's so almost squeaked out in Olympic medal. But then she fucking, like, and now I think she retired.

And I'm just, like, literally so devastated that she, like, I just, I, and if anyone could convince her to come back and just, like, not listen to her body and just keep abusing it for, like, a little. And that's not funny with the gymnast, you know, but it's like how athletes, because if you get to that level of, like, elite gymnastics, like, you are inevitably going to, like, hurt yourself. Well, just, like, your body, honey. It's like, it just goes through it.

But it's like, but we're only, like, two years away. And I just feel like, please. Like, I just, I feel it in my bones. I really think, like, a beam metal is so in your grasp, hellie. Please! I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not.

I love your passion for gymnastics and, like, figure skating. And, like, you, you, like, throw yourself into your passions, too. It makes me so happy. You know what Friday and Saturday is? What? Skate America. It is. It is.

It's, like, the first Grand Prix event of the figure skating season. Where? It's skate America. It's like in America. I don't know what city exactly. But then there's going to be. be skate Canada like a week after that. Should we go? Well, I'm just going to watch it on TV, but you can come over. Because why are you in Austin? Um, well, because my wine is in Target in Texas, so I'm trying to bop around to some targets and... Can you come back? Yeah. Wait, are you living

here? I live here. Wait, since when? Since we came here for Queer Eye. Shut up. Why did I think you lived in New York? Well, I used to live in New York, but then we came to Austin for Queer Eye in like March of 2020. And then if you remember at the beginning of the pandemic, like New York City was like a scare, scare place, right? Yeah, yeah. So we came here. I was here for like five days and then everything shut down. And I also had like four cats at the time, but now I have five.

But like moving four cats is like not easy. Yeah. And it's also like traumatizing for them. Like it's really like a thing. Because they like their environment, right? Yeah. And so after moving them, I was just like, you know what? I didn't know like when queer I would start again.

And I like at that time I was like, will it be two, three, six, eight. Like I don't know how many months. Right. So I was like, let me just like rent a house and like stay here for a couple months and see. And then after, like, a month, I was like, I love Austin. I know. It's so green and, like, people are really nice. And then I was like, can I be part of a change in Texas?

I hope so. And so then I, like, moved here. And we've lived here for, like, over two years. Did you know the Austin was rated the number one nicest city in the world, like, people-wise? Like, people are the nicest in Austin. It makes sense to me. People are really nice here.

I met, like, more friends that, like, I hang out with in, like, a month here than, like, nine years in L.A. and, like, three years in New York City. But I have great friends in both of those places. But it's just, like, way easier to, like, I don't know. People just, like, there's just, like, not an ulterior motive as much, I feel like. I love that because that's why, I mean, I like visiting L.A. in New York and it's great. But I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive there. And it, like, I'm too Canadian for that. Like, I feel like my heart can't take it. But at least in New York, they tell you that there's one. Like, it's really straight up. It's like, I need this. Let's get dinner. And you're like, okay.

Whereas in LA, they skip the first part And then they say, let's get dinner And then they blow you off forever But then the night that they had plans with you to go to dinner They post like a dinner with like 10 other people That you weren't invited to. Yeah. That's L.A.

Whereas New York, they'll just be like, I don't like you. Yeah. Bye. Or it's like, can we collab on a thing? Let's get dinner. And then you're like, oh, it's clearly for like a work thing But at least I know. And then they actually show up.

That's true. It's like more direct. I feel like New York is just like more direct. Yeah, you're right. Which I like. Why did queer I decide to go to Austin? Why was that the starting point? Honey, let me tell you something.

I'm not an executive producer on Queer Eye and nor am I on the board of like why we go to the places that we go. Yeah. I think that they like to put us in places where you're going to obviously have like more potential for like fish out of water. I feel like every time I watch an episode,

I feel like so much like internal change happens in these people where I'm like, holy shit, you didn't just make over their house. Like you turn them into a new person and it's so, I cry. time. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, we do have, like, the most amazing heroes. And that part I feel like is super duper real. Yeah. Like, and I think that's part of, like, why Queer Eye is so successful because it really, it just isn't pretentious. And it's not staged. I mean, so many of our heroes, like, I know them. I mean, like, Angel from the season in Texas is, like, my trainer. I see her, like, multiple times a week. Like, I love her. I just, like, I just, our heroes are amazing. And I think

in a lot of ways, it's way more nerve-wracking for them on the show than it is for any of us, like, letting someone into your own home and like into your own like place and life. Yeah. It's like it's so vulnerable for them. Especially people, which I find that you pick on the show that are so comfortable in their little, you know, their little box that they like to stay in and it scares them to go outside of that and you push them to, you know, rethink about their surroundings and how much that can just like elevate their happiness in life to just have a different space.

Yeah, I feel like I'm always, like, mama for our heroes, because I usually go last because editing-wise, like, if you do their haircut first, which sometimes we do do their haircut first, but it's like, you just, if their hair is massively different right at the beginning, like, you have to finish something like a certain way. Yeah. So I feel like usually they've been through, like, Bobby being like, you know, whatever with your house. So then, like, and Caramos, like, dug up their guts in front of, like, three cameras, like, really, like, gone there. So by the time they get to me, I'm like, do you need a hug, bitch? Let's just, like, do your hair. Let me just relax you. Like, you really just, like, put all of your, like, insides, like, out for everybody to see.

So, like, let me just, like, nurture you. Yeah. Because it's like, so in that way, I feel like it's kind of nice because I don't, usually by the time they get to me, like, all the really, like, intense stuff is kind of already happened. And I just get to, like, put them back together. Totally. You are.

You totally put them back together. And then they walk out just feeling like a new point. person. And then I feel like they're excited for that change and to go back to their house because they feel it in themselves. And it's just such a beautiful process. I love our people. And like for New Orleans like our like the next season like I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Really? Yes. I did like way bigger transformations. Yeah. Um, which was part like it wasn't all me. It was like part of that was just like what our heroes were going through or needing or wanting. We had like one person who had like hair down to their knees, like, and I don't want to give away any story or, like, who they are,

like, what their deal is. But, like, they just had, like, really, really long hair for, like, certain reasons. And we cut, like, it was just a massive change. And, like, I did my first bleach and tone on the show. I took someone, like, all the way, like, just, like, bold, like, super, super, like, a full-on bleach in tone. I made someone, like, a full-on redhead. Oh, yes.

Like, I just did, like, a real, like, I'm excited for people to see, like, I really went there. Okay. If I know one thing, it's that it's so important to prioritize your mental health and wellness every single day because when you work on yourself, you'll just start to see and feel positive changes in all areas of your life. And I know firsthand that long-term effects of therapy can give you the tools to deal with challenges as they come, strengthen your relationships, and give you a more optimistic outlook on life. And there's no better time to invest in yourself than right now. And when it comes to working on your mental health, getting started

is, well, truly the most important part. There's no need to wait until something goes wrong in your life. Of course, talk space is also there to help with any specific challenges you might be facing. It is the number one online therapy platform with thousands of licensed therapists trained in over 40 specialties, including anxiety, depression, relationships, and more. Plus, it's just so convenient. So no need to commute to an office or wait for an appointment. You can also send text to your therapist to let them know the issues you're facing in

real time. So as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off your first month with Talkspace. So to match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and make sure to use the code Vine to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Vine at Talkspace.com. I have so many questions. I just want to pump your tires because you inspire me so much because I love being like authentic and true to myself and unapologetic. And I feel like you have been that, well, just from listening to you in other podcasts or following your journey, you've been that way since you were little. People wanted to put a lid on you or keep you small. But you were always like, no, I'm, this is who I am. And you had to like fight against that. Like I want to know your story

about how you've just continued to get to this person you are today. Because I can't imagine you being like, no, I'd really push myself out of my comfort zone. I'm like, what does that even look like. I feel like you do that every day. Well, like, specifically for Queer Eye, it's like, as my take on beauty and hair on, in Queer Eye is like, as a consumer of TV and like someone who like was such a fan of watching TV growing up, like, especially makeover shows. And then becoming a hairdresser, I was always like, how's that client going to maintain that? Like, how are they going to afford to like keep up a full head of highlights or like maintain that maintenance? Like once you're gone, like, what are they going to do? And so my brain always went to like, why are we doing such

massive changes for the sake of a change if it doesn't make sense for that person. So I've always like really leaned in to that and wanting to make sure that like they feel comfortable and they feel strong and like once that camera is out of their house in two days that they're not like what did I do and like don't know how to keep it up, you know? And so many of our heroes like over the years like I literally like will get them like gift cards or like pay for their hair like for like a year or two like afterwards because I want to make sure that like they know how to maintain their change and like because I'm with them for like a solid day like on my field trip like I'm with like usually like it's a whole day like especially

if it's like a bigger change and then like a half a day and like a half a day on like the beginning and end so it's like if there is a bigger change like I want to make sure that they're like ready for that and so I think a lot of times especially on TV it's like you only have like so much time and there's like 40 people watching you and so I don't want to like up somebody's hair and then be like oh my god I just their hair like I need to fix it yeah so like knowing how far to push yourself in that regard is like what I mean yeah so this time I really was just like girl you've been a hairdresser for 15 years like you can do this and yeah and I just and like just figuring like carving out that time for yourself because like on a TV show like as like people are

always going to pressure you to go faster and like I like hair good hair takes a minute yeah and so that is just like that part is like can just be stressful for me like personally yeah so that part I kind of push myself harder and I think to answer your other question about, like, authenticity and, like, how I've become this person. Sometimes I feel like we're so programmed to think of things as like, like, if I am, or if someone is authentic and seems like unapologetic, then that means that there is not a part of them that is insecure. There's not a part of them.

So insecure. And it's like, I'm all of those things. Like, I am unapologetic and I can be fierce and I can, like, be that. And I can be really like, you know, be secure and, like, confident. But I also can be, like, really anxious and insecure. And, like, I think as people, we have. such a broad ability to like feel such a plethora of feelings that just because you exhibit one thing or like are comfortable in showing one part of yourself doesn't mean that there aren't other parts that exist sometimes equally as strong or even stronger than the parts that you usually see of them. Yeah, I feel that because I'm those things too. Like I can be super confident and unapologetic. I could also be wildly insecure and I have anxiety and depression and I all of those things. But it's so interesting how you put all of this stuff out there.

on social media, all of us of like the really high highs, but we don't put the low lows because you're like, do people even want to see that? Do we want to be like, you know, putting out onto our feeds like exuding confidence and what we do to feel good and when we feel good? Because I always struggle with that what to put on social media because I like being so real and I like letting people know that they're not alone in certain things and that even when you see the highlight real, I'm still suffering. I have hormonal depression so bad. All the stuff. And then I'm like, I don't know how to show both sides, because I don't know if people want to see those low lows. It's hard.

Yeah. Like with my first book over the top, I was so confident. And I was like, I'm going to talk about my HIV status. Like, I'm doing this. And there was so many people in my world that were like, you don't have to. Right. It's not too late to like not. Like, the book is still great if you don't put that part in.

And I was just so determined to like talk about it. And then as soon as the book came out and I finished my book tour, I was like, Brune Brown talks about, like, vulnerability hangover. Yeah. And I had, like, such intense vulnerability hangover. I was so exposed. And I think when I finally stopped moving long enough, I was like, holy. And then all, like, the craziest thing that you've ever seen after that.

I mean, I still feel this. And I saw this, like, meme on Twitter that, like, had this picture of me from this photo shoot, this, like, nude shoot that I did in, like, a bathtub. Yeah. And this kid said, like, Ronald Reagan watching, like, JVN die of AIDS Like just Oh that just made you feel sick right to my tummy

Like Twitter like just like AIDS stuff Like really like doesn't he have AIDS like just a lot of like really intense stuff So for like all of the good stuff just like And also like at like a month or like a few weeks before my book came out like my cat like fell out of our like window It was like the most traumatizing thing ever Sometimes I say like I watched my stepdad die in our living room of cancer I'm HIV positive and having my cat pull out the window is like far and away the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me and like I'm still not okay like I still am like we just like moved houses and my one of my cats like walked across like this like little ledge and I literally was like my like fingers like it was like yeah just like so intense so sharing so sometimes I feel like I share things when like I know I can't be myself like if you see me on the street I will not be be okay. That's why I shared what I shared with Bug when I did. And if I do share it, like,

sometimes it's like that because you want people to understand you that you're still a human being too, where I think people see you as this figure that you're like always on and you're going to be happy and positive. And they think when they meet you, it's going to be that, all those things that they see on TV. And you're like, but I'm still suffering things that maybe I don't talk about and I'm still a human being. So when you see me on the street and I'm having a bad day, now you're going to come across as an asshole when really you were just being a human being. 95% of the time,

I'm usually, like, really good at it. Like, I know to, like, not put myself outside if I'm having that kind of day, like, or if I think I could have a chance where I could, like, traumatize a fan because, like, I wasn't nice. Yeah. Like, I just know to, like, not go out.

Yeah. Because, like, it just comes with the territory. It's, like, don't put myself out there like that. Yeah. And it's actually gotten to the point where, like, now if someone asks me for a picture and I'm like, can we not or whatever? Like, I'll end up feeling so guilty.

30 seconds later, I, like, go over and I'm like, do you want to take a picture? I'm sorry. And then I'm just like, even if it's like four in the morning and I'm like at an airport, like, you know, it's like, you know. And then other times there actually has been times where I'm like, I'm so sorry. I like really physically. I just cannot do it right now. Yeah. You have to. You know, it's like, but it's like, it's rare. Yeah. That's the same as me. I try. I would say 95% and then there's the 5% where I'm like, how am I even in public right now? Because like I shouldn't be. that's the I remember saying to someone once I was in such a dark place and they were like oh I hate to be annoying and I was like but you're gonna anyways like I hate when people are like oh I hate to be this person I'm like but you're going to anyways and then I was like you I feel terrible 30 seconds later I'm like what a dick I could have just taken 30 seconds and just said like okay but it's again it's it's hard to always be that person it is I struggle with that because I'm so open about all of my anxiety and everything that I go through that I'm like, then if someone meets me and I'm in that, I'm like, beyond Caitlin, like, snap

out of it. Like, it's hard. It's show this, baby. You do a good job, though, Queen. So do you. So do you. Was it your book? Was that the first time you've talked about being HIV positive? So that, okay, so that makes sense about your vulnerability hangover, because that was the first time you're putting it out there to the world.

And too, like, actually, and I talked about this in my second book, love that story, but like, I thought that, like, when I wrote that book, that my book would be the first time that anyone would read it. And it didn't occur to me that on a book tour you got to do an interview

and like that interview is obviously going to come out before. And I remember my publicist was like sending the book to people and like there was quite a few people that wanted to do like exclusives on it and I was like I don't know how they're going to frame it. I don't know how they're going to frame it.

So then I was like, so the New York Times wanted to do something and I was like, ooh, I trust them. That's cool. And I was like, yeah, that'll be great because like a newspaper like they obviously wouldn't do it before the book comes out. Yeah. And, like, that's just what I thought to myself.

And then when I went to the interview, I was, like, to my publicist, I was like, so when does this interview come out? And she was, like, in four days, which was like... Oh, my God. But that was, like, no matter how you slice the math, because, like, they don't ever tell you exactly when it's coming out. They were, like, it'll be, like, in this region. Yeah.

It could be between, like, this and this date. But I was like, all those dates are before the book. So how does that work? And then she was like, yeah, that's how it works. And I was like, oh. Oh. So in that story, and, like, the journalist was, like, really sweet and did a great job. But in that story, I'm, like, sitting in a diner with him.

And I'm, like, literally crying, like, talking to him about my HIV status. And then these, like, two girls came over and they were like, can we get a picture? Oh, gosh. And I was like, queen, can we not? I'm, like, in the middle of this interview. And I like, and if I do one with you, like, it's going to keep happening for, like, the next, like, 30 minutes. And, like, I'm just over here talking about my HIV status and stuff in public. Like, can we just like?

And so, and then I was like, can we do it another time? And then I was like, and then at the end, I said, like, namaste, not to be a client, but to just be like, literally, the light and me. the lighten you and like I just love you and appreciate you but like it's like not the right time just right now. Yeah. And then that ended up being this focus in the story. What? Yeah. And so then people were like that ended up being this thing of like, oh, he doesn't like to get selfies taken. Like I literally had people like so and that's part of like the frustration of like and even it kind of like to the social media thing. It almost doesn't even matter. Because like if someone doesn't

follow you and even if they do follow you with the way that algorithm works now. Yeah. They don't read your captions. They're not like reading or listening. to what you're actually saying. And of the ones that do actually, those are the real ones. And they do know, and they have followed you long enough, and they do read your captions.

And so, like, those are the real ones. And the real ones, like, aren't going to, like, they just aren't going to put you in that kind of, like, they aren't going to read something from the New York Times and have that be the thing. But someone who doesn't follow you,

they might talk to someone who read that story. They read the New York Times profile, or they read the thing on BuzzFeed, or they read the thing wherever. And then, like, they glean whatever they're going to glean from it, you know? And then, like,

and then that might be, or like, it might be that they saw you on The Bachelor, or like, it might be that they saw, or Bachelor, excuse me, or they saw me on Queer, but, like, they don't really know. They're, like, they just know that they see someone who's, they think is fame. And so then they want to do the, but it just becomes like this thing of like, I just want that picture because it's like the autograph of today so I can put it on social, which is great. And I love that.

And I also have totally been that person. Yeah. And it's also, it does kind of, like, strip you of your humanity because, like, it doesn't acknowledge, like, whatever you've been going through. And they don't give a, what you've been going through. Like they want the picture for the gram. Yes. And it's like you have whatever you have.

So like you should just be grateful and know that this comes along with the territory. But it's like the real ones who really know what you do and know what you're about wouldn't dehumanize you like that. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Whereas like I'm the kind of person. Like I was just on tour and like I was doing my meet and greet. I could see this like one lady who is like working at the like she was like working there.

And I could tell that she and like when I walked by she was like and I like rant her and I was like, oh my God, let's make a selfie. you need like someone needs a video like it's like you know what I mean it's like so I'm like that's who I am it's like I think I'm a little bit like a little bit of like an elusive jungle cat like if you want it too bad I'm like I don't want to but if I like but then it you know it's like so but I just I do love people and and at the same time like when people are like what's it like to become famous what I still feel like weird even saying but it's like it feels like being in a constant state of shock because I can't even believe that it kind of happened even though like it's it seems like it should have, like, sunk in, but it still doesn't feel like it sinks in a lot.

Yeah, I get that. I still feel the same way. Like, I don't even feel like I'm really in the limelight anymore. And I still, like, it hasn't sunk in for me when people want a photo or something. I'm like, what? Like, I'm, like, walking down the airport with my dad. And I'm like, what? That's so funny.

And then I get, like, weirdly embarrassed. I'm like, oh, what is my dad thing? He's, like, so proud. But I'm like, I'm embarrassed. Maybe. Okay. So, but the way that you just said that to me, I was like, it kind of made. Like, I was like, bitch, or Caitlin Bristol, for Christ's sake.

Like, you're being major. Like, you are the limelight. So that must be how people think about me when I say that I'm uncomfy. So maybe we should stop saying that. I think we should. Because you're Caitlin fucking Bristol. You know what I'm saying? JVN.

You know? It's just I want, I wish I could interview people. You know how people have like three-hour podcasts? I wish I could do that. But that's so much time. I have so many questions for you. I'm sorry. Like, no, we have more, don't we have more time? Is that how long is it? No, we have time. I'll let you ask them now that I've like interrogated you on your own podcast. I'm just been so excited to meet you, bitch. No, bitch. I want to, I want you to talk the whole time because everything that comes out of your mouth. I'm like, I love you. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, do you have a favorite from the fab five. I mean, honestly, I do feel like it's so lucky with my castmates. Because the chemistry between all of you is incredible. That's also part of like why I even ask the question. Sometimes I feel like people want that. Yeah. And I'm like. I don't want it though. It was like, no, it's like, well, it's like, well, like, they're like, but it's like, we really do love each other.

I mean, I do think that like, for me being like, I know, I piss Bobby off because I'm seven minutes late everywhere I go. And Bobby's like a stickler for time. And also, I have this annoying habit of like talking about how sexually attracted I am to Tan's facial structure all the time. You got to think for jaw lines. And I just think that for Bobby, he just says, like, can you, like, we've heard that you like really think you want to sit on his face. but like can we talk about like the fabric on this couch or like that like so i feel like bobby and i are the most

like siblingish yeah and actually like geographically we're only from like a few hours away from each really like i'm from like rural illinois he's from rural missouri like we're neighbors so but i also feel like we're the type of people were like he would say like if someone was like i know i get on his nerves the most yeah but if someone talked shit about me to him he would like come for them yeah yeah yeah and so like you can't like it's like we can say something about each other because we're siblings. But if someone else does it, bitch, you got another thing coming.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, but I just, I do love all of us so much. And actually just this morning, I was like, I just missed them because, like, we were together so much this summer

and then when you're not shooting, like you're not. But I just think it's like so special, like the things that we've gotten to experience together. Oh my gosh, yeah. I've been to so many places together. And it's just like, that's so special. Like, there's just like things that like we've done together

that we'll never get to do with somebody else. When you've changed people's lives together. And, but it's like, it's all of those like little, moments that are the things that I feel like make us so close. Yeah. Like it's like the being up at like, you know, four in the morning together like doing a this or like just it's like all of like it's not and not that the big moments aren't important

to us and not that we don't feel that. But it's the little moments that really like, yeah, I get that. I get that. I was listening about your, the process of auditioning to get that role. And it sounds like there's hundreds and hundreds of people and they kept like narrowing it down or they narrowed it down even on day two to like 20 some people. Did you like look around and you knew

who the hairstylists were because you had to like make friends with everybody and mingle and then when the five of you got together were you like oh this is it because there was so much chemistry there like how did that go? Well the first day of like the chemistry auditions when we were like at that hotel like we all had these like name tags that had like colored dots on them

so like I knew who was like in my competition or whatever and there was some people who were like culture and fashion. Like they could go either way. So they had like double dots. Like people had like double dots. I was like pitch through double threats. Like they like, you know what I mean? Yeah. But it's interesting. Like I really stayed so inside myself in those auditions. Like something like, because I had done chemistry auditions before where like I'm the type of person in like a race. I go out really fast and then I tire out. So I was really conscientious that whole time like go out slow and like build. And so I really do feel like I played that like the best of anything like I've ever played ever ever. But it's weird. Like if you hear like Bobby or Karamo talk about it, they would say that they kind of knew who the five of us were going to be and they felt like really confident. I had had so many doors slammed in my face. Like I had done Gay of Thrones and that was successful. But I'd been trying to like figure out like

what was my other vehicle? Like what else would I do if anything? And I just had been told no so many times like gotten so many like made it through multiple like auditions and then it was a no. Yeah. And like even with like pitching my own show. And so I think the whole time. time, I just felt like it's probably not going to happen. Like, chances are that it's not going to happen. And I just didn't want to be let down. So I was like, there's a chance, but you're probably not going to get it. So I just kept really trying to, like, leave it on the dance floor, like, do the best that

I could, but not, like, over-extend. And so it really, until, like, I got the call, I was like, it's probably not going to happen. And then even once we did film it, I was like, it's probably not going to be that major. And then once it did, and then once it was major, I was like, well, it's probably not going to last that long. And I always, yeah. I always am just like, which my therapist,

says, like, girl, like, because I'm like, when's the other shoe going to drop? And she's like, you're, like, an HIV positive recovering meth head. Like, maybe the shoes already dropped. Yeah, you're past the shoe dropping. Maybe, like, it's going to be okay now. And I was like, but what if it's not? And so, like, that's a PTSD talking. But I do think that that's kind of motivating because it makes me, like, stay, like,

self-aware or something. Like, I don't, I feel like I don't get too big for my britches. Yeah, I love that. You know? Yeah, I think that's important. I feel like that will. give a lot of people's successes when they are like, like, it's the people that want

it who are like thirsty in a way instead of appreciating what they have and hardworking people that just like stay humble. I think staying humble is so important especially in this world. I feel like I wonder like Oprah. Like we need to get her on here. Well, that would be great.

Because like when did she like, I would imagine that she was like that. And then at a point she was like, bitch, I'm fucking Oprah. Like I'm kind of ready for that like where I can just be like, bitch, I am J.V. Fngen. And don't you ever talk to me like that again. But I just am not, I don't know. But I don't think, but I feel like that's why we still love Oprah because I don't think

she'll ever be like that. I would like literally lay face down on the ground to let her like walk over my back to like get to like a door or like whatever. I would do really inappropriate things. Like stiletto my butthole. Like whatever you need to do. And Stedman. Like I'll let all of you.

I met Gayle obsessed with. Gail. I love Gail so much. I love Gail. I mean, it was like everything I could ever do in my, like, like, to the... How did you meet her? She interviewed me for Love That Story. And I also met her, like, on press, like, prior. But that was the most time that we sent together was, like, love that story. And I was like... Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I was biting my fuck so hard. I was like, well, not ask anything about Oprah. I know. Not even, like, how much do we love her? No, I'm...

Not even about how much I loved your road trip with her. Oh, my God, the road trip. The road trip. I used to, like, literally, like, say that I had, like, bone-crushing diarrhea so that I didn't have to go to work so I could stay home and watch that. That's... Wait, what... Work, what were you doing before?

I was, like, a waiter at that time. Oh, I did that for a long time. Yeah, and I just was, like, I could not miss that road trip. Actually, I think I taught gymnastics. I think I was in high school. My gosh, you do so many things. Whatever it was, though, I was, like, not missing that road trip. I know.

I feel you on that. That was, like, such good... TV. I know. Speaking of other good TV, do you watch alone? Yes! Wait, I can't believe you just said that. I just finished the Grizzly Bear Island. Was that Callie and Roland with Rockhouse?

No. Did you see Callie and Roland season? No. You don't even know, Caitlin. What season is that? Are you off after this? You need to run with your manager home. Okay.

To your goddamn hotel or wherever. Okay. I think it's season seven. Okay, I watched season 8, I think. Really? It makes every other season seem like a child. I don't want to give anything away, but I'll just say this. Someone kills a musk ox, like a musk ox, like a 3,000-pound musk-k-k-kx with, like, a homemade, like, arrowhead.

It has to be homemade, right? I mean, they could have bought a knife. Well, you can come with, okay, so Alone is a show where they literally go by themselves out into... They have to shoot all themselves, honey. They have to set up their own camera. They have to mic themselves. They have to mic themselves. Like, there's no crew. They have to build their own shelter.

They have to catch their own food. And they can only take 10 things. Yeah, and they can only take 10 things. And so, like, if you took a bow and arrow, the bow, if you had to had like three arrows, that's four. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You can't be crafty like that and, like, try to sneak in. No, it's like a sleeping bag, a tarp, like some fishing wire. Like, you can pick out 10 things. Yeah. And it's all about like, oh, but then they do get the first aid kit. That doesn't count. Okay. So they do get that.

And they do have people come do health checks. But only, like, once a week. And then other than that, they leave. And I googled if anyone's ever died on it. Nobody has, but they've been close. They have people, literally not that, like, weight loss is whatever, but, like, people will, like, lose, like, a quarter of their body weight. And a lot of times why people do get pulled is from, like, severe weight loss.

And, like, it can be bad for the organs and stuff. Because, like, but that's what the strategy of the game is about is, like, how, because, like, like, you can only catch the food that you eat. So, like, it's all about, like, food. And, like, if you can eat enough to keep the calories to not lose enough wait to like avoid getting sent home for like a med check yeah and they're out there for like a hundred plus days this one lady this one time do you see that one lady who got the fishing hook stuck in her hand and she tried to like get it out with mud no she was like a military bitch and she was like i she's like

she got this fish hook like deeply embedded in her palm like it was bad and she just was like in the military like we put mud on that shit to like drop the infection but then like her arm turned green and it was like no so she had to medevac like it was not so you got it so or just at some point you guys to google roll and Cali season. I think it's season seven. Okay. I also think they're in the Arctic Circle for that season.

Oh my God. And that was the season where like it wasn't whoever made it the longest. It was like you had seven, right? It's like I think you had to make it to 100 days. Oh my gosh. So it was like really like because it wasn't only like whoever made it the longest. Like if you didn't make it to 100 days, you wouldn't make you. And the fact that it's only $500,000 for that, I'm like, give them a million.

Because also like here's the other thing about Tully and like just money. it took me like three years to realize that if someone says like you get paid X, it's actually half that because you gotta pay taxes and everything. So that 500 honey, depending on where they live, it's probably like two. I know. Maybe even like 190 if they live in California

or New York. I know. I think about that all the time too. It's like I love Big Brother. Also, but with Bachelorette when they paid me, the Canadian dollar was so good that I actually got more. Is there a Canadian Bachelor or Bachelorette? Yeah, but it's, it hasn't aired

in a while, but they did it for a little hot minute. Maybe like an international Bachelor or Bachelor Hosting situation could be gorgeous for you. Or you know, also we need to have you get her. I need to get you on the view. I feel like that's our next moment for you. Like, I need you on a panel show. You know, maybe you could be like a fierce like queer liberal

who's like fiscally conservative. Maybe you could do that like whole thing. Like be very like, I don't know. I feel like I need to brush up on my politics because I'm so Canadian sometimes. I've been in. the States for a while now, but I'm like, that's what I love that you're living in Texas because you do have such an important voice that will be heard. Hopefully.

Yeah. This week's Off the Vine is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now, you know what you're doing and you know what I'm going to say. You're multitasking. While you're listening to me talk, you might be driving or cleaning or exercising or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you can be doing

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I just love that she's a hairdresser. And I really just like, I was in her DMs. I actually made like such a bad mistake. So when they, when that one guy, that first guy, when they first broke up, I was like, Kim, he's a piece of shit, like blah, blah, blah. And then they were like back together like a week later. And I was like. I think we all did that for her, though.

I was like, sorry. And then when she's like with the new guy, I'm like, yes. I love that. Good for you, bitch. The show did her so dirty. Like, they made her seem a certain way that, like, she's actually such a strong woman and they made that look like it was something else.

And she's a sweetheart. You can just... I follow her. Yeah, she is actually very sweet. I don't follow, like, I follow like you, her... Oh, yeah, she got engaged. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, I was, like, so excited.

And I said to her in her comments, I said, that jaw. Yeah. I did. That jaw is, like, really doing it. like jaws like I okay because like I want guys with big jaws to like rub them on my but hole like when you're like in the middle of rimming like a cat yeah and I feel like if I was a lady with like a vagina I'd be like rub your fucking like the corner of your jaw on my colatoris like gently just like you know what I'm saying yes I do like little circles or whatever

like whatever you guys like no because I was actually thinking about that the other day I was like, what makes, like, a guy a good vagina eater, like, to women? Because I was thinking, like, that must make a guy feel, like, so cool. Like, if you just, like, knows how to do it, and he's, like, really good at it. But it's the same thing that you were saying about blow jobs about how it depends on the person. Oh, because some people just, it's like, if you have, like, nonreactive nipples and someone tries to do something, your nipples, like, I'm not into it. Yeah, I'm not into it. It just makes me so sad when people, like, think that I'm going to like it.

And then you're like, there's, like, nobody home. Like, they're just, like, they're just so dead. Yeah. I don't have any, which is like why if I was going to, like, I could just do anything like breast augmentation wise because like they're, I don't have any. There's no feeling. Yeah. I have my nipple pierced and did it make it feeling? Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that a lot in the gay community. Like someone has like no feeling on their nipples and then they get their nipples. Yeah. And then they are just like off the chart. Yeah. My other one. Nothing. Only have one. Isn't that interesting? That must make like new neurons in your brain because it's like out. And so it makes it like more tender or something. Yes, something. I don't know, but it is, it's a thing. Maybe because of your, like, previous pro-slut stances. Yeah.

You could write a book about, like, good pussy eating. You're serious. Like, what women want and stuff. And you could, like, interview people about, like, good oral. Because they just feel, like, people are, like, not as pro-pussy and, like, pro-female sexual arousal as they need to be. And I know that. And I'm not even into. pussy. And so for that reason, I feel like

people need to be more curious. People need to be getting curious about female pleasure. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I think I follow a lot of accounts that I feel like do that. So I'm like, I need you to get into that. Because also I'm like a newly converted Billy Eilish, Dan. Like, I don't know what my problem was. I saw her in Melbourne. And then like, and before I was like, I love her.

Like, I love her fearlessness with hair color. But like, because here's a thing. The blipits of the songs that I would hear, I was like, it's giving me Lana. I never like, and I just and I love her as like a person. But like, I need, I need, I need up. I need power. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Billy's got all that. She has all of that. And I just was being like this dumb 35 year old bitch who was like, oh, I can't like it. And it's like, stop it. Yeah. But that one song about like the female porn song about like how she would never be that into that. Like she has this whole song about like female like empowerment like sexual like.

And it was like, yeah, it's like I think it's like the one about like try not to abuse your power. It's like trying not to abuse your power. And like her. And she was like. like, thanks. But no, yeah, it's like really good. I think that's one where she's talking about, like, porn. Okay, yeah.

I didn't, I didn't ever... She talks about porn in one of her songs, and it's, like, amazing. And she basically saying, like, the lady would never act like that because, like, what he's doing, like, isn't that cool. Mm. I'm paraphrasing there, but... But I feel like guys grew up, or when they got to that phase of watching porn, they watch porn and think that's what girls like.

Yes. And they think, like, jackhammering and, like... No. No. That's... Yeah, that's not it. Yes. I'm like, yeah.

If you just, like, talk to me, right? I'm like, ah. Same. I feel like the, but that's what, I had this conversation with somebody years ago on my podcast, actually, about how guys, like when they first got into porn, and I'm sure girls, too, then girls think they're supposed to be a certain way in bed because of porn. And really, it's, like, not it at all. And everyone was just, like, faking it there from a minute of what sex was supposed to be like.

And nobody was actually doing what they enjoy or what actually gave them pleasure. And what do you think about it? talking, like, through it, like, if you're like, I don't like that. Would you just say that in the middle of... No, I say, instead of saying, like, I don't like that, I'll be like, try this. Oh, yeah, that's good. Like, positive reinforcement, you know? And then, like, I like that's like, you know, move here. Yeah. Okay, that's right. I really like it when you... X, Y, Z. So the first time I saw porn, I like, like, Mother Nature, like, the Holy Spirit or something, like, told me to get a ladder and, oh, it was, like, ceilings like this in our house. Yeah. And it told me to, like, lift one,

because I just, like, knew that one of my brothers had porn at VHS tapes up there. Yeah. And so I did, and I found porn up there. Like, it was like, two tiles away. Like, I was so, like, tuned in. And it was called Carnal Cravings Five. Five. Yeah, five.

And it was from the 70s. And it started off with this lady and a leather skirt with no underwear. And she had, like, and her hair was permed. But then, like, her bush was, like, as big as her hair. Oh, yeah. It was, like, just flooding out of the leather, like, skirt. And I just remember thinking, like,

what about Carnal Cravings, one, two, three, and four? And then I figured out that I was gay. That's what did it? Well, because, like, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, she doesn't have on, like, underwear. Like, who let her, like, she's like, they didn't give her underwear. And then I was like, where's Colonel Craveen's? Like, one, two, three, and four.

And then I was like, oh, my God. Like, I don't want to see vaginas. Like, I only wanted to see the guy. How old were you? Like, probably, like, 13. Like, 12, 13. And, like, I had suspicions because, like, every time I'd see both, like, commercials with, like, a man, I was like, and, like, David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.

I was like, oh, my God, your hairy chest, like, hold me till the pain goes away. Like, I want to drown and, like, be saved by you, David. Like, I love, I had to, and also Magnum P.I. Like, I loved Magnum P.I. Like, all growing up, like, I was, like, every time, like, I would, like, be flipping through the channels and that old show would be on. Yeah. I would, like, get really close to the TV and have, like, recall ready because I didn't

want someone to, like, see me watching Magnum P.I. I was like, when I was watching the top 10 countdown on VH1, I wasn't watching this. I wasn't watching Tom Selle. I remember my first time getting turned on, and it was all my children. children when people were making out. And I was like, why does it feel funny down there? Was all my children the one with Marlena? Like, when she had those days of our lives.

Oh, my God. Marlena and her pink polo getting possessed by the devil. Like, that really scared me. When her eyes changed colors and like, oh, my God. She got possessed again, like, recently. My brothers told me that she would, like, lived under my bed when I was little. Marlena. Yeah, they were like, she's under your bed.

And, like, I literally would just be, like, at bed, like, oh, God. She's here. And then I would like wake up like 30 minutes I wouldn't even get to sleep And I would like wake up And I would like sprint to my mom's room Because I was like Marlene is in my room Do you know if I thought was under my bed?

What? The robbers from home alone But you knew you could have taken them No And McColley could take them They're the sticky bandits They were gonna do something bad to me They were like so accident prone

But I always pictured when my eyes closed The music going Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And the two robbers coming up from under my bed. Sometimes it's really hard to sing instrumental songs. Because, like, when you first started, I was like, huh? And then I literally, like, I remember it was like, it was like that kind of like flute. It's like a flute or something.

Like, it's like, it's so hard to impersonate that song. What's the, what's the instrumental song that I can't sing that I would try to sing? But then like, you can never. Do it. I want to try and guess. It's like a piano. It's like a piano something. Na, no, no, na, nah, na, na, na.

But it's actually not instrumental. It's like opera, you know? I don't know what that is. It's like, it's time to say goodbye. Oh, yeah. Like, it's like such a figure skating song. I just see Michelle Kwan like. But is it from the wine Catalina mixer from stepbrothers?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. Like where we get our references from. All movie quotes for me. My only figure skating for that sort of thing. Did you know I figure skating for eight years? Okay, so let's talk about Canadian figure skaters and figure skating. Who's your favorite, but your skater of all time?

Elvis. Stoiko? Yeah. Random. Interesting. Yes. Okay. All right.

I don't know why. Oh, Kurt Browning. Oh, first, he got so cheated on that quad toe. I know. That ratification. I know. Now, what about Philippe Candeloro really used to shiver my timbers when he'd take his top off and do his, like, pirate, like shirtless? Do you remember him when he was like that French guy that would take his top off?

No, I don't remember him. Beliepheed Candeloro. He's all up in Elvis Stoiko. Stop. Well, then I probably do. Yeah. Belief sounds familiar. In 1994, Lillehammer, his, like, program was, like, that, like, the fencing thing, where he was, like, fencing was he?

Who's your favorite lady skater, though, obviously? I can't believe you had the nerve to say a man. Oh, my God. That was just the first one that came to my brain. He was the first one that did a quad. Yeah, quad toe. Kurt Browning, but it wasn't ratified. Oh.

So then the first one that actually ended up doing it was, like, someone else because Kurtz wasn't ratified, which was bullshit. Yeah. Terlopinski? Yeah, great. Love her. Oh, okay. I'm blanking. Michelle Kwan's obviously my favorite

I know you got to meet her Yeah well she's like my good friend Yeah oh Yeah it's like we're friends That is a pop-tarts and Michelle Kwan She's like actually like She's like me really good friend actually I like FaceTime we're like friends

I love her So like you didn't really watch like the 2022 like Beijing women's figure skating final I didn't What kind of Canadian former figure skater Are you Caitlin? Not a good one So obviously you kind of

Have gotten a little too big for your britches We're not even like watching our like Okay So do you know who the current reigning national champion of Canada is for bigger skating? Wow, Madeline she's us. I'm so sorry that... Sorry, Madeline. Wow, Caitlin.

I feel terrible. Can you name the Olympic gold medalist from 2018 team competition in Canada? Who is still skating? Christine? No, Gabby Gailman. You're really... Caitlin, like you need to get on your like Canadian fucking Cs right now. Okay.

I am going to be on it. That's... This is like the first time that I've had to like really get serious with you. No, this isn't like joyful and like, ha, ha, ha, ha, like you didn't see it. No. Okay. You're a former figure skater of eight years.

You're out here literally like having podcasts like not watching nationals. Yeah. Like you're like that is like, where's your maple syrup patriotism? I don't say. I need you to like get like, do you understand like the Grand Prix circuit? Do you get it? Okay. So this is going to be the last thing that we talk about in this podcast.

And then I think we probably will be in time. But like we, this is. is going to be what we're going to talk about now. Okay. Because this actually stresses me out for North America. Oh. Because if we don't keep it popular, just like what one of my episodes on getting curious on Netflix was about.

If we don't keep it popular, we're going to keep getting beat by Russians, okay? So we can't be letting this fall by the wayside. Okay. Figure skating can't be of yesteryear, like in the 90, like we know, okay? We got to take Christy Amaguchi and Michelle Kwan into 2022. Okay. So, okay, so anyway,

so anyway, Grand Prix Circuit, we're going back, okay? So the way it works is there's like some warm up competitions. then Grand Prix starts in October and it goes through December and there's six competitions and every skater that gets assigned to each national team they get assigned two of the six

so everyone does two then whoever gets like the best placements right like it's the whole adding up thing like if you get like second and one and third and another they add that up it's five whoever has like the five best or excuse me the six best scores goes to the Grand Prix final so it's like Super Bowl vibes right

it's like regular season is the Grand Prix then the Grand Prix final is like the you know the Super Bowl final. Then everyone goes back and they do their nationals. And then from nationals, you get your world team. Right? And it's the same thing on an Olympic year except for after nationals. It's like Olympic team instead of world team. Do you like watching

some other sport? Well, I'm very big in hockey. So you're out here watching a fucking other ice sport knowing about figure skating. So we're really making conscious choices. Yeah. And but now I'm done. You're going to make space in your heart. I am.

Because we've got to prioritize. I am prioritizing. ice skating and making this not letting the Russians win anymore. Okay, thank you. Because we got to get it popular. Okay. Also, not to be crazy,

not personally, but I follow him on Instagram. He's like really attractive. He's so cute. Does he have a good jawline? Yeah, this other, he actually really does. This other American in Ilya mansion, he just landed a quad axle. Holy shit.

He's the first person to ever do it. Quad axle. So that's four and a half rotation. How do you even do that? Four and a half rotations, quad axle. He landed it. So he's going to have his first. senior international Grand Prix Circuit this year.

So we'll see what he does. So that's really exciting. Are you still figure skating? Yes. Okay. Yeah. I don't post about it as much. I loved when you post.

You got so good. Thank you. I also got at this point where like I kind of learned everything I could learn without like really being scared as. Because it's kind of scary. Yeah. And then I also like didn't want to like spray my in inky for gymnastics. We have to leave. Okay.

I love you. No, wait. I have one more thing that I want. First of all, your hair products. I just wanted to say, Jason is obsessed with the blow-dry cream. Blow-out milk is amazing. Blow-out milk.

You would love that, too, for your blow-dry. Okay, I just have questions. I have very, very thin hair. Yeah. And I'm trying to grow it, so I'm trying to, like, not do heat products, and I'm not trying to just grow it and get it thicker.

I've damaged the shit of it from bleach and hot tools and extensions. Yeah. What is the best product that I need? Pre-washed gob oil. Okay. It's going to be so helpful for your grow-out. Okay.

So pre-washed cop oil has bazabolol and neem oil. Okay. Vazabol comes from chamomil, and neem comes from the neem plant. But those are really powerful with helping your hair not break. So when your hair is finer, you want to make sure that your hair doesn't break. Okay. Right?

So you want to keep your hair stronger. Okay. So pre-washed galboil, you're going to put on your roots. Then you're going to distribute it through your ends, massage your roots for like 50. You don't have to massage for 15 minutes. But massage it in. Yeah. But it's it for 15 minutes.

Then you're going to actually wash it out. That also has turmeric in it. And turmeric is going to decongest your hair follicle. So like if you have buildup from products, extensions, sebum, sometimes it's hormonal imbalance. The tumor will go into the hair follicles and actually, like, kind of give it like scrubbing bubble, but with turmeric, not with sulfates, you know? So decongests. Then there's also our hemisquilene and our squalene, which are going to soothe and strengthen your scalp and the moisture barrier of your skin and also strengthen your hair. So it's a really good treatment.

You should do it like two, three times a week, pre-wash scalp oil. Okay. Then also our undamaged shampoo conditioner would be really, really good. It's incredible. It has dehydrated quinoa protein and our hemis squalane. Squalane historically comes from shark liver. Our squaline comes from fermented sugar cane. Hemmy means half in Latin.

So hemisguelaine is a half-sized molecule of squalane. Holy! So hemisguelaine, that's kind of, it's in all of our ingredients, that that's kind of the thing that makes JV and hair different and so reparative. Because actually, hemisquilane is the same molecular composition and kind of like the same building block as like your skin. So it's like readily absorbed by your skin and readily absorbed by your hair. So it's really good for hair and scout care.

I love how knowledgeable you are. So damage is really, really good. And then also out of the shower, if you're going to air dry, you could do our instant recovery serum as your, well, okay, I'm backing up a little. Complete conditioning mist. It's our detangler. It has trumella mushroom extract in it and hyluronic acid, which are going to increase the strength and moisture load of your hair.

So it'll allow your hair to have a little bit more moisture so it won't frizz and it'll hold its shape longer. So that's really good, complete conditioning mist. Then you can do instant recovery serum just on your hair. your ends, that has our hemisquiline, charged lemon protein, and niacinamide. That's really good for resurfacing the hair and making it really strong. So if you're someone who's like, has a lot of uneven porosity, which you would from like previously bleaching the hair, like your ends are going to be like a little bit more like fragile and like prone to breakage. So you want to do

the instant recovery. Yeah, your ends are amazing. You're going to put it on your ends. That's going to kind of fill in like the holes of your hair and it's going to make it like take whatever other products you put on more even. So insert recovery serum first. Then if you're trying to do air drys and just stay away from all new tools, is your hair pretty straight, it is, right? Or does have some weight. Okay, perfect.

So then basically air dry cream, it's a texture enhancer. So it has chia seed and linseed. And then it also has our hemisquailin. It also has a maryngas seed oil, which is super shiny. But the chia seed and linseed are like natural texture enhancers. So it's going to give you hold. So if you use like a pea size, it gives you this much hold. If you use like a half a dollar size, it's going to give you like a lot more hold.

So the more you use, the more it's going to give you, like, more curl. It's going to emphasize your waves more. Okay. If you use a lot, have you ever heard of, like, a curl cast? No. So curl cast is, like, if you put on, like, a curly moose or, like, a curly gel, and it leaves, like, a hold, like, a firm, like, gel-like hold. Like the ramen noodle hair curl crunch.

Right. And so what you need to do with that is you would take some, like, oil in your hand and, like, break up the cast. Okay. You kind of, like, move it around. So, like, it keeps the hold of the curls, but it gets away from that, like, harder texture. Yeah. So with air dry cream, if you use like this much through like this much, it won't do curl cast.

But if you do like handfuls because of the chia seed and the linseed, it will give you more like gel-like hold if you use like a lot. And some textured hair or curly your hair needs that much to like set it. So if your hair is more wavy, you're not going to have that issue. If you do do a lot of it though, you might need to like break up the that cast either with your hands or like a little oil. But for you, complete conditioning mist to tangle instant recovery. serum ends and like your midlinks around your face because like this hair a lot of times is like the one that takes so much in styling and so much like stretching and tension so you're going to want to put that insert recovery serum on your midlinks through ends all over your head so nice people are

like okay I did my midlinks and ends but what about these midlinks and ends right which you know this like mid lengths to ends yeah so it's not just here you got to do it like up here too that face frame you know yeah then you could just do air dry cream like a little quarter like this much yeah hands i like to distribute it going down like this then i'll go in and go like this and i'm not going like cur it's like very deliberate like i mean your hair is gorgeous gather it and i mean i blew it out two days ago so like that's why it's not as curly but my hair's like wavy curly as well so but you're just gonna like kind of scrunch it up like that but our ingredients are amazing clean silicone free sulfate free um cruelty free they really are just like so amazing and honestly like i've learned

so much about formulation and as a hairdresser for 15 years. Like, when I think about how many times I overdrew my checking account for like $100 shampoos and conditioners, I literally say to our GM sometimes I'm like, did we, because like we wanted it to be like an accessible prestige airline because so many prestige hairlines are like

priced in a way that like people can't access them. But our formulas like literally are better than like $100 formulas and they're cheaper. Yeah. And sometimes like for that boozy bitch that's like, but I want something extensive. Just buy our shit. Like it's the same formulas. But it's actually better because our hemisquailing is so cleanly sourced.

And like, I mean, just our ingredient grade and quality and, like, how we source them is just so good. Yeah. And so just sustainability is like so at the top of our mind and our scientist's minds like from the jump. Yeah. And a way that like bigger companies just can't like we're a smaller barge. Like we're newer so we can kind of like steer more like adeptly. Yeah. So our formulas are just like so fierce.

And I just love them. And I'm really proud of it. Yeah. I'm proud of it for you. Like that is. I just listening. do you talk about hair? I could do that for like a million years. And I also love that like hair has just always been your passion. It got you out of a lot of things in your life. It's

been like a, you know, constant source of joy. Yeah, constant source of joy. And I love that for you. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Where can everybody... I want to blow your hair out sometime. We should sell your hair for our YouTube. I know. I see you do all these bachelor people. And I'm like, put me in coach. I love Beckettili. We should have you. We should do a YouTube. Let's do your hair for YouTube. Please. I would love nothing more. I would love nothing more. Okay. I'm going to put you in contact with our Javian hair people. Okay, perfect. I can't wait.

Where can everybody get your products and your book and your everything? Sephora. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, so Sephora is where JVian hair is. You can also get it at JVianHare.com. Sephora, and you can get my book on my website or like really anywhere where you buy books. And if you're into getting curious, you can listen to getting curious like wherever you get your podcast.

And I really need to have you on getting curious. I would love to. I love you. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for making this happen. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday.

Thanks for listening. Listening to this week's episode of Off the Vine. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform. And we'll see you next Tuesday. Get around for Halloween with Pluto TV's 31 nights of horror. All month long, Pluto TV is bringing you the best Halloween movies, shows, and more. Watch classic horror movies like The Grudge or the Blair Witch Project. Or scream along with your favorite stars like Ryan Reynolds.

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