Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid | Relationship Deal Breakers, Hood Fishing & Other Dating Buzz Words

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

#780. In this hilarious episode of Off the Vine, Kaitlyn Bristowe sits down with the hosts of the U Up? podcast — Betches co-founder Jordana Abraham and comedian Jared Freid — to talk about all things relationships. From the perspective of a married woman and a single man, find out what guys are looking for on dating apps, listen to their takes on some of the weirdest icks, and more! They cover topics including dating in New York, being pro or anti-bush, Hood-fishing, Breadcrumbing, and ball sniffing — nothing is off limits in this episode!If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE!https://www.instagram.com/offthevinepodcast/Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals!Brooks Running Shoe: Feel like you can run forever! Visit https://brooksrunning.com to learn more!Botanic Tonics: Go to https://botanictonics.com and use the code VINE at checkout for $40 off a 12-pack case.Dime Beauty: Go to https://DIMEBeautyCO.com to unlock your discount!Progressive: Quote at https://Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.Quince: Go to https://Quince.com/VINE for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS7:55 – Jordana and Jared talk about their podcast, U UP, and how long they’ve been giving dating advice16:40 – Dating in different cities27:53 – Jordana and Jared’s superficial deal breakers in relationships46:15 – What is “Bread-crumbing”, and the problem with dating buzzwordsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. Off the Vine. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow, Jared, Jordana from You Up Podcast. Such a pleasure to be here. I'm so excited. You guys, you always make me.

laugh. You're a new fast friend. You're such an easy person to talk to. Oh, I feel the same about you. It's so great. Yeah. And same with you. We did it. We just came off your guys' podcast, so you guys should check that one out too. But yeah, well, let's get into it. Oh, my God. I said I was going to drink last night. I had six martinis. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to Off the Vine. I feel like I always like starting the podcast was just like genuine conversation like we were just having. So go on with your six martinis. Well, I mean, I just, I had, I had, I, Marketer. Martini's get away from me. I think I'd be dead if I would be dead if I would be dead if I had six martinis too much.

Well, sometimes they come in a small glass. Sometimes they come in like that little tiny martini. Like what's that one bar, tower bar? Is that in? Tower bar. I don't know it. You don't? No.

Oh, it's a cute little New York spot that I love. And I feel like they have to be mobbed. It's really, it's very tiny in there, but they have the best martinis and little truffle popcorn that they bring to at the bar. Oh, I know where you went. What's our martini's? Orders. Yeah, what are you ordering for martini?

Oh, so I had a martini last night. I love going to restaurants by myself and having a martini and reading a book. So that's what I did. That's like the dream. We are the same person. Do you like doing that? Without book. Oh.

That's like a quintessential New York. It's funny because I say I like book, but then the book is up for like two seconds, but really I'm just scrolling the whole time. We are the same. I like a dirty gin martini. Okay. Gen girl. Yeah.

I love gin. So here's my opinion on a gin martini. Oh no. And this is, no, I. Regular dirty or extra dirty? Regular dirty. Regular dirty. Baby dirty.

Blue cheese olives? Yeah. No, regular olives. Regular olives. Yeah. I think a great gin martini, a gin martini has to be made great or it's horrible. I totally agree. A vodka martini can be made okay and it's still good. That's my, that's what.

I get so angry. Really? Yeah. Angry. Angry. I am mean, mean, mean. mean on vodka. So gin is your alcohol of choice or just for martinis?

Just for martinis. I love a tequila soda, but wine is always my go-tri. I'm thankful that I'm a happy drunk. Yeah. I'm like a loving drunk. Never get mad? I don't think so. You know, I thought I wasn't a happy drunk until I got into a relationship.

Yeah. I get a little angry drunk in relationships. Yeah. Like the little things come out. But then they get like, things you like haven't like put out there. If you get drunk and then they come out, they always come out horribly. in that way. But it's funny, I always thought,

because I was single for so long, I was like, I'm a great, I just fall asleep. Like, I'm great. And then I got into a relationship and I'm like, a monster. I'm like, oh my God, I'm not a happy drunk, weird.

That's, I got drunk in front of a sober person recently. And I was like, oh. And he was like, you're a great drunk. He's like, yeah. That's a great compliment. That's a great sober person too. Great sober person.

Yeah, yeah. You want sober people to be like, I remember in college we had a friend of ours that stopped drinking and he was like he was awesome because you'd walk into his room

the next morning he'd be like you were great you did this you did that he would like give you the whole background on your night and I was like

thank you stole your wallet listen I would have paid him I would pay someone to follow me around at night and then just be by my side the next day and go here's what happened here's what you did

here's how awesome you were I would pull this a little bit back you know like to give me the review like a real honest Like pull up a PowerPoint presentation and like give me the rundown on how I could improve because it's not stopping.

Right. Yeah. So how could I improve after six martini? Just an inch. Yeah. It's funny to think that like if I got rich enough

for an assistant, they'd be like, what was it like working with Jared Fried? Weirdly PowerPoints about how drunk he got the night before. That was all I did. You do get paranoid. I feel like when we were in Cannes together

he would text every morning is anyone mad at me? What did I think? How are we? I need to be more like that. I'm just like, I was probably awesome last night. I'm like moving on and they're like, actually. No, that's, I, six martinis would, I can only have one.

Two, I am lit. Two is over. I mean, I went and had an alone. Where'd you go? So I went to Bangkok Supper Club. Okay. Which is a restaurant that I had been, And it had been on my radar.

You've been there, Jordana, no? No. No, I thought you went there. It's, the food is very good, but it's, it's a little small. Like, like, I, I had more than, I ordered more than I thought was going to be too much, and it ended up being fine enough, but delicious food. Okay. Great bar.

And they made this martini, and it came in a little tiny cup. Okay, so you had six tiny martinis. Well, I had, I think I had three there, and then I moved on. And then that's where the night should end. Yeah. And I do, I am classic one more spot and it's never same, right? I am, I am always the nightcap girl. I always want one more.

And the next day I'm always the girl that goes, God, I should have just stopped. And I don't learn. Well, it's because when you're in it, you're like, if you're already drinking, you're kind of like, well, I'm here. Why not? Yeah, like, let's keep it going. And I love a social beverage, like, or a solo beverage. I have a video, this should be my confession. I have a video of myself wasted, listening to Taylor Swift in my backyard, smoking a cigarette.

I don't smoke. Where'd you get a cigarette then? I don't. Somebody had left it at one of my house gatherings. Found it on the floor. It was a stub. Yeah, it was in my backyard. It was half left.

It was a menthol. Oh, wow. And I decided to record myself. Yes. And I'm just smoking, singing Taylor Swift by myself. Amazing. And in the moment, I thought, this is what life is all about. This is what it's all about.

This is, I have peaked. And then the next day I'm like, my own backyard. Yeah, no, I know that feeling of like a few drinks in. You kind of like smell the world. Good music. Take a good music. Take a deep breath. I've done that before.

I love it. I can't wait to do it tonight. Where are you going to go tonight? You're in New York City. I love hearing people's New York. I'm going to the cigar bar. I'm doing the, so I can't. I can only drink black coffee right now because I'm going to do the pre-newvo body scan.

Oh, I've heard of that. I really want to do that. It's like they do like an MRI for your whole body. Yes, and you get to watch Netflix and they gave me a little 0.5 larazepam to take. But what's the scan to do? It basically tells you like cancer. Oh, okay. Literally it tells you everything.

Like brain, heart, liver, a little nervous of out. It's expensive to do the Kardashians are known. Yes. and celebrities. Okay, so you're doing this for what? Got to make sure I'm doing. Oh, just to do it, okay. Honestly, I'm curious about my liver and how it's doing.

Well, that's the problem. If it tells you the liver is good, you're going to go to another level of drinking. You're going to be on three martines. That's why I want one. Right, just to know. Right. Okay, I'm going to where to go.

Oh, cook shop. You should try to smoke a cigarette in the machine. In the pernubo machine. Oh, yeah. Take that. Yeah. I mean, well, it's happening to my lungs. Might as well.

So we just did your podcast called You Up podcast, right? That's right. That's right. That's right. Killed it. Where we give dating advice. Yes. Are you both single?

No, I'm married. Oh, you're married? Yes. For how long? Like two and a half years. Oh, so that's a nice combo then. Right. Yeah.

Okay. For some reason, I didn't look at your finger. That's okay. Oh, I was wondering, because you had said something on the other podcast and I couldn't tell if you were single or not. But, okay, that makes sense. You guys give dating advice. Yes.

And it's so interesting to me because one of my videos that we clipped from my last podcast, people loved your dating advice. I appreciate that. Yeah. I mean, we've been talking dating now for seven years almost. And I think it's hard. You know, the dating advice that I said on your show was take the word, say if you're confused about something, take the word. Say you're turned off and it'll answer your question. And I think that comes from like the years of, you know, Jordana and I talking about and hearing the issues of our listeners and being like just seeing things that come up all the time.

And the one thing we always hear is I'm so confused. Yeah. And then the minute you break that down. Why is he doing this? Why is he doing this? What is going on? And I'm on the other side of it. And I'm most of the time where I'm the guy.

And I'm representing, you know, the dude you're dealing with to. And I'm like, well, it's. I very often have had women. Why is this, instead of like, hey, I'm upset that you're doing this in this way. Right. Rarely are these women wrong. Right. We don't want to scare men away, I think.

So then it's always like, I'm wondering why you're doing this instead of, like you said, I'm turned off. Has it helped you in your marriage to have a podcast about dating advice? Yes and no. I think, yeah, I think, I mean, I think it definitely has helped me doing this podcast with Jared, hearing the male. perspective from someone who's not in it with me because I mean someone could tell you the the male perspective but if you're currently fighting with them yeah it doesn't feel like it's totally unbiased right whereas I think the stuff I've learned about you from the way that men about the way that many not all men but many men most men depending on who you ask think um I think has been

helpful just to like make things less personal because so few things are as personal as we make them and that I think is what makes dating feel so intense and feels so like depressing sometimes Because it all feels so personal when usually it's not. Yeah. Like I got a message last night actually from a woman and she showed me these screenshots. She's like five dates and we haven't been physical yet. And he sent me this text and it was him breaking up with her. Yeah.

And she was like I feel like all this is an excuse for like why he won't date me. And he just doesn't like me. And I was like, that's such like a funny thing from my end because I'm like, I would never tell a woman that I I've dated that I don't like her right it's just never gonna happen yeah never yeah I'm never gonna like be and you know do you not like some people that you've dated though as a person yeah no like I just it's never that it's never that but also even if I didn't like them as a person which would be weird I think to date someone then for long enough for them to be upset you wouldn't date right right I wouldn't be in it that long to have to send a breakup but like

and I said to the and the person's like why don't they just say I don't like you I'm like well you want less than humanity right like you have to remember like none of these men are smarter than you none of these men are they're just trying to feel like good people and move on with their day in the same way you are right but a lot of people want the and the way dating is kind of composed a lot of women want guys to like worship them or chop up their heads and and it's like you're asking for them to take responsibility for your feelings a lot of times and like I'm trying to give the voice of like reasonability for an

unreasonable thing. It's unreasonable to dump someone you like. Why don't you just stay with me I'm me, you like me. Right. Right. You know, but... Because women don't really do that. I feel like, we don't really date people that we like, but don't want to date. So true. Right? That's so true. Well, because men also think if you are like a

sexually active man, you're like, oh, well, it's sex. I can keep getting it and I can... And the women, I feel like, need more of an emotional attachment. Right. And so that causes confusion. Well, and it's also like, if you, I'm not a scientist, obviously. You're not?

But like the things guys like are on the outside. Right. You know, like, you see everything. It's all in front of you. A lot of women, you got to like unwrap it and see what's going on down the stairs. Yeah. So like, see if it's trustworthy, see if it's big enough. You know, like this is all, you know, it's a little bit, you know, if you get into like

the woo-woo of it all. But, yeah, I just, I love talking about dating in a way. And I think, like, it's powerful that it's coming from Betches where we're taping this now. And, like, Jordana allows me to, like, you know, a lot of people could just look at me and be like, you disgusting animal, shut the fuck up. No. Nobody thinks that. Well, but you've always given me the ability to, like, you know, like, let's have, it's an unc-dating is an uncomfortable conversation. It really is.

Relations is uncomfortable. How do we have an uncomfortable conversation in a comfortable way? Right. Especially because it gives somebody permission to ask questions. questions that they can't go ask their partner on the third date. Right. I think that's the best part about listening to the show, single or with the partners. You get to kind of listen and say, is this a deal, would this be a deal breaker for you?

It kind of like opens the door to conversations you wouldn't have otherwise. It validates people and allows them to be able to ask questions and get a different perspective. It's like a safe place for them. Exactly. We don't really give rules like you were saying. Because like everything is about what works for you and what doesn't work for you. And I think that that's like that doesn't get as many sound bites. but that's actually like the way most things work in a healthy way.

That's true. Right. You see date and it's funny because like you talk about the clip that like did well and people respond to it's so weird to hear people be refreshed by that because you're like this is diet and exercise. Like I'm not saying anything that's like crazy. Right. But like we see dating stuff out there that is like horrific.

And it's like screaming at you. And it's like you know the reason, you know, podcasts have gotten very popular because people want to do other things. You know, we have a podcast. It's a podcast. to show. So it's like it's it's just interesting to me that's like you see you gotta do you know if he wanted to he would you know it's like all this like and it's all very like it's all very judgy. Yeah. I don't think dating talk can be judgy. I think we have to all say like I've done

this. Yeah. That's credibility. I've done the guy doesn't text you back. I've done the breakup for no good reason. Yeah. I know that guy. I am that guy. You know. Right. How did you meet your husband in New New York, because I feel like that's like an extreme sport dating here. Yeah. I mean, I'm from like Long Island. Okay. And so we had a lot. We were set up by mutual friends, which I think is like a nice way in New York, especially

because like I feel like there's so many people that people feel a little disposable. Yeah. Yeah. And you've. I'm out there. I'm just, I'm just. Have you been on any dates? I've been on dates.

Recently? Yeah. What's? Give me a high and a low. High and a low. Peek and a pit. Peek and a pit. No.

You know, this is something that a lot of men get accused of, but I told you this the other day, like, I'm getting a lot of, like, no questions. Oh. Like, no, hey, you know, I don't know. What do you mean? The date is not asking you. Right. I'm asking. I feel like I'm interviewing them a little bit.

You know, like, I feel like they're on my podcast. Not like, it's just like. Maybe you just get, I think that's code for like, I'm getting a lot of people with bad personalities. I don't think so. People with bad personalities. Or fans that already know everything about you. Maybe. Let's pretend.

I mean, we've always. We've all Googled people. Yeah, but you don't like when people pretend. I would rather than be like, here's what I know. Here's what I don't know. And it can be said in a way that's not mean. Like if someone was like, I have never listened to anything. I've had people I go on days ago.

I've got to like let you know. I haven't listened to what thing you've done. You're like, you have bad taste. Right. Who are you listening to? You know, like it real defensive. I haven't listened to it. And then when we made, and they'll say that.

When we made the date, I kind of stayed away from it because I wanted to meet you. And I'm like, that to me. to me make sense. But then I would expect, well, then you've got to also ask what's going on in your life. I don't know. That's been a little bit just recently. The peak has been, you know, the... All the sex.

All the f***le. Balls and mouths. That's the peak. Thank you for your honesty. Sexually explorative women. That's what I got. Do you find it hard to date in New York compared to other? Like, why do people think New York is so hard to, like, date and find people?

I think every city thinks they're the worst to date in. Nashville? No, you guys think it's great there? Is that the Garden of Eden? I've never, actually, I did go on one date there. What was that like? Where they take you? Kid rocks.

Yeah. What's the street that everyone? Broadway. Broadway, yeah. Oh, God. Actually, we did go there. Come on. It was kind of like a group situation.

But I do feel like people, find people quick in Nashville and settle down. Right. So I don't know if that's like a good dating. Well, you know, what Jordana said is so correct. Because we go to, like, I think Nashville, here's your issue in Nashville. A lot of people coming in for a weekend. Yeah. And dudes are coming in being like, I'm here for the weekend.

What are you doing? A lot of distraction in that way. Two, everyone kind of knows each other if you live there. That's true. You start sharing a social scene that's a little bit smaller, even though you're in a big town. So that's not helpful. So, you know, we went to where we go? San Francisco, they're like the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

They're like, there's a lot of men, but they're a little bit weird. Oh, they're like tech guys. Yeah. That's fair. But I think, you know, New York, the hard part is a lot. Yeah. More of everything. So many options.

So many options. More, more, more. And people move to New York to hustle. Yeah. People move here for something else they love. Not just to meet someone and move to the suburbs near New York. They are here with a dream. So if you meet someone doing a thing, like, you know, and that could be finance.

You know, as as boring as that sounds to some people, no, I'm here to get rich. Yeah. You know, you don't move to New York to, like, be just whatever. Well, so I think a lot of people find that, like, busy is really a thing here. Yeah. And there's just a lot. There's just so many people here. So I think there's a sense of, like, I probably maybe more in Nashville where you're kind of like, if I meet someone great,

there's not like an endless amount of people here. So let me lock them down if I like them. Whereas in New York it's like this person's great, but there's like the next person could be greater. Right. And you could you can actually search by like if you go on a, this is dating app specific, but like you can search by like,

I want Jewish woman 27 to 40 and you never run out. Million of them. You're like, I can't believe there's this many. Is that what your search engine looks like? Don't, yeah, maybe. Which I think is great in some ways. It's like every, again, every city. That is kind of nice.

Every city thinks they're the worst, but really it's just a different mix of pros and cons. Do you know what I mean? Right. If I search Jewish woman 27 to 40 in Nashville, be one woman named Rhonda. Right. Yeah, so I'm saying you get three. So that's a drawback of there. Maybe people in Nashville are like are settling down, but they're, you know, maybe they're, they could have found someone better for them if they were in a bigger city.

So I think it's more of just a tradeoff. Well, you guys cover a lot on your podcast of, like, crazy stories from dating and online dating with the apps. So, like, what's the craziest story you've ever heard with or experienced with the dating app? Well, it's not crazy. You know, it's funny. Like, when I'm asked about crazy stories, it's usually, like, my frustrations and they're actually, like, get debated. Like, I think women encounter, like, crazy shit. Yeah.

Because it's a bad combination of, like, guy who wants sex with, especially on an app. Yeah. When a guy gets a match on an app, oh, she wants to fuck me. Yeah. That's not how it's necessarily intended. I think from this podcast, like a woman's like, oh, there's a lot of boxes here. Let me go and see what it's like. Right.

And a guy's coming in like wild animal like, you know, and it's like, because that's also a positive. If you're out there and you're like wondering if he's attracted to, every guy goes, no guy goes on a date with a woman he's not attracted to. So he's attracted to you. So, like, you know, you are some, his version of whatever he's looking for. But, like, I've had an instance recently, and we talked about this with your sister. Right. About hood fishing. Hood fishing.

Yes. What dead? Instead of cat fishing, they are telling me that they're in one neighborhood, that they are not actually living it. So do you have any of this? I've never even heard of that. Let me, they work in the city, but they live in the suburbs or something. But their profile says they're in Manhattan. Or they're here.

for a weekend and it happens differently from the male end it is like I think it's actually interesting because you were on our podcast and you said you would like a long D long distance relationship I did say that so but it is interesting the amount of women that I get

DMs from and listen I am like you I'm an extreme example but it is relatable so it's like a woman will be like I'd move to New York I'd pick up my whole life if you told me to yeah and I'm like what the is this I don't want this this is a lot of pressure

so there's a lot of pressure I I matched with a woman and literally she said it's happened a lot so not just her but it's happened a few times where we're talking talking talking and then I'm like oh you're right nearby and she's like I'm heading to Miami heading to Miami didn't say back and and and the whole time I'm like this is a Manhattan woman and shitty foundation to start on lies right but then

And then I go, are you in, and so we start texting a little more, and it turned into like, I was like, are you in Miami or New York? And she's like, well, I'm here all the time. That's how it ends. And I do think if you ever come down to Miami, maybe we could meet.

And this is how it ends. And I go, listen, I was as respectful as I could be. I go, this isn't for me. I've done this dynamic. And it's interesting that I'm the devil in this. I'm the one not trying. I'm the assall. To me, this is crazy.

It's actually crazy. there's a few reasons that women do this. There's like multiple reasons. One there's like, okay, you live in the suburbs and you're pretending to live in the city, right? Why city is cooler, right? Sure. It's like, it's a more desirable area. It shows you're more of a person of the world.

It shows you're like, maybe like working in something exciting. And more single people in a city, denser population. More options, right? That's one reason. And then I think the other reason is that like women, kind of like you just said about men, men are on the apps and they're always like, oh, like,

this person would have sex with me right that's the thought that that's going through their head I think if women are on the apps and even they live in a different place or they're swiping in a city they're visiting too they're like I could make this work into I could make a relationship with anyone right if the you know if it worked out like I would be making I'd be willing to make sacrifices you know it's so funny but in this to stay on this the it's so funny like when you guys are like when I'm like yeah that when a guy gets a match on an app it's like oh she'd like that sounds crazy probably to a lot of people they're like well that's not how I swipe I'm not right I'm not a slut I'm not like a whore you know like they would go it would become defensive but

I'm just telling you how the guy is like the the the the taste he has I can I know how his brain works it is interesting to me that you're like you match with a guy on a dating app and you're like well I could make this work to me that sound that's as crazy as someone going well I could live in the lion cage at the zoo I mean how many you know like he's thinking all that that And you're like, well, I could make a life with this lion. But how many emails do we get, though, from people who were like, you know, he gave up this red flag and this red flag and this red flag and this red flag. But, you know, I kept dating him because, like, you never know. Like, I could work with this or something like that.

I could work with this. So many of those do we get. So many. I could work with this. It seems to be the female mantra. Well, we were talking on your guys's podcast on like some, what were we calling it? Like the, what did we say? The things that, like, he can't.

drive this car or he has like a superficial like things that that you're allowed to have as deal breakers yeah like what is your superficial deal breakers because we kind of talked about mine oh my superficial deal breaker this again this is the hard part about doing this podcast you want me to start too skinny really yeah I like a curvy woman you like curves too skinny would be that's just I would go it's not going to be something that I would be into for long isn't that funny why do we shit on people for having a preference we should on it's hard for men i'm saying this like i do think it's hard there's not a lot of straight men out there with bold opinions on dating and relationships and it's because it's just an easy person to to bash and i i understand like i'm speaking for the

icky yeah so i do understand that so like i do think like because and and also when i say skinny ain't for me you know that that isn't like I'm not saying vanilla like I don't think that they're bad people or not good looking I get it like it's your superficial thing right listen what if I also sit on the podcast I wouldn't date a teacher

yes or a speech therapist or speech therapist why it was a superficial thing no speech pathologists speech pathologists yeah I well the speech pathologist rant is more about them as people and the teacher is not about them as people

the speech pathologists are horrible people. Well, it's a new, I think it's a New York specific rant, don't you think? Because my thing with speech pathology, this is, I can't believe I'm going to, my thing with speech pathologists. When you move to the city, you meet all these women are like going into speech pathology and it seems they do it like

under, you think, I'm like, wow, they're going to be like teaching. They're like, oh my God, they're doing such a selfless thing. And then you, every single one says the same thing. They're like, no, you get to have summers off on the school calendar. You make a ton of money. The state pays you to do nothing.

You know, like, they all have this, like, very, lazy. Right. When you really talk to one, they'll really, you find out it's this big grift. To one. And I don't like to talk to them. They're just finding one giant loophole to, like, be lazy. It kind of feels like that. But maybe they're just saying that to make it more, to not come off as like they're like a savior.

A hero. Yeah. Again, I'm saying this in jest. I please speech pathologist, speech therapist. Come for him. You're great. If you're curvy. I will date you.

Destroy him. Let me see that. fat ass and then we'll talk. So then the teacher thing is like, listen, I think a teacher, like, again, like, I have to explain this. If a woman was like, I don't want to date a teacher, I don't think many people really say anything bad about her. Like, if a woman was like, I don't want a date a male teacher, you'd be like, yeah, no,

I get it. Like, I say that and I have to explain myself. And it's like, it's not that I don't think, like people will DM me, you hate teachers. No, I don't hate teachers. You just have a pre-to-date one. Right. You know, how this is going to be for my future kids to have a teacher? And I asked the question and you answered.

Right. I also think teacher's a little earnest for you as a comedian. Right. And it's like, summer's off. You have to watch what you say too because it could get back to the class. Yeah. And also like, I don't know. No, I, again, I don't want to say vanilla when you love chocolate.

Like, I just think, like, to me, it's very attractive to see, like, a woman lawyer. Like, I think that's hot. Right. And again, this goes back to the conversation on the podcast that we have all the time. We get sent, do you think it's hard to date as a woman CEO? And I'm like, you're going to meet one guy? You might not meet another guy. You know, like, yeah, there's issues you have that teachers don't have and vice versa.

Yeah. You know, so. Well, that's, you get shit on for that and women get shit on for other things. Of course. I'm not, yeah. Being a woman is easy. Totally. You know.

You know how it is. I get it. Yeah. You podcast with one. Easy peasy. Yeah. What is your superficial, non-negotiable? I had two.

One was a marathon runner. I don't like people who run the marathon. It is freaky. Yeah, I think it's just not a sensibility that aligns with me. It's just like, I get that. I don't know what it is. Well, to me, I'm like that, well, it's crazy. I feel like to run for that amount of time.

To nowhere. And knowing that you are possibly going to shit your pants or puke and not feel good. why to prove to like to prove to themselves that they can i don't know that i i understand that that element of like what is life not giving to you right right you needed this who is this for right right to what to pat yourself in the back for us to like give money to like thank you whenever whenever there's the marathon i'm always like these people are running through all the the burrows like can i give them some errands to run things i need to return on the way like it just seems so stupid to run to nowhere.

Calling it running is kind also. Marathon? What would you call it? Jogging? A lot of jogging. A lot of slow pacer. A lot of chilling out. A lot of walking.

I see some walking. Are you trying to get us hated by every group? Yes. I'm trying to give the headline. Let me have it. Okay, marathon runners and? And this one's probably going to get me a lot of heat too. Applies too much sunscreen.

Oh. Like a man just slathering on, like, he was, like, too concerned with the sunburn. That's more of an ick. I guess so. Yeah. Would that be a, like a... That's an ick. I agree.

It's an ick, yeah. I feel like, yeah, men slathering, like, and they don't rub it in all the way because they're so scared of, like, a burn. Right. Yeah. Just get a burn. Just get a little burn. Agreed.

Skin cancer. That's exactly what it is. Right. It's a... Can't handle the sun? Right. What's wrong with you? I have a shared ick list with my friends.

I have a shared ick list with flip-flops. like shuffling. Ooh, a shuffle walk. Yeah, shuffle walk. Where do you, how do you shuffle? Like, where do you shuffle? Like you're dragging your feet. It is interesting that that guy's afraid of falling and hurting himself and you're like,

ugh, would be. Game over. That's the same, being afraid of anything. We are on the, we are on the same page of doing like superficial. Like,

I'm not saying. I'm with you. Yeah. No, no, no, I, I find all. Good, because there's 82 here. What's the worst one? What's like the most messed up one? Smells his fingers?

that seems fair i agree with that well the like the sister of mary katherine galliger just yeah i've seen like the way there's no way to smell fingers i agree because like how do you even put your fingers up to your face and why are you smiling their fingers but this would be the best swipe their balls and smell their fingers to see

oh i do that all guys do you just want to know i did smell my balls the other day and and i did go Jared. Can you tell when there's an issue? Oh, balls smell. Yes. But do you ever smell and go, ooh, Jared, are you like? Yes. Oh.

Sometimes I wear Now that you meant, thank you for bringing this up. Delightful. I love the spray. Is this a ball spray? Ball spray. There's a ball spray? Like a deodorant? Yeah, it's like deodorant for your balls. And I put it in it, well, it's for shafing. And it's like, it's like, it's gold.

Gold bond. Yeah, I'm a huge runner. Gold bond spray. Okay. And it's cooling. So after you get out of the shower and I'll do from from anus to nuts. Do you do this before a date? Before everything.

Oh. Sometimes if you've been shaving, it can burn. It actually can burn you. And you're like, so there's a moment in my apartment where I'm literally jumping around. But it does have a very kind. smell for balls. Is Goldbond Johnson and Johnson are completely different?

It might be the same. Johnson and Johnson had something that came out where their powder was affecting. This is no talc. Okay. Oh, no talc. It's not going to affect your breastfeeding. I'll be okay.

Oh my God. No talc, um, spray. Okay. I think I would have saw a report of that. But you don't swipe and smell in public. Why do you both, why, you both ask me this question? Do I give off smell my? I would have seen it right now I do it in bed I'll be like oh that's fine right you guys don't

check out your own bodies I'll smell like my armpit if I think I'm like if I'm running yeah if I'm about to see if their vaginas smell yeah if I'm about to hook up with somebody I do check how do you check how do you check a swipe a little swipe yeah I don't know why I just made the headbook is that what it would look like that's what I do a swipe a little swipe of the me a swipe at a sniff yeah I have smelled I smelled before now that I'm now that I'm now that I'm married. I don't, you know. Whatever goes down there.

It is what it is. That's true. That's, I like that. I can't wait to get there. Right. I can't wait to get to the, one of the huge benefits. Is this what I'm trying to get to? Yeah.

Marry a woman who's just, you think, you think any married man is smelling his balls before he has sex? No, I think he's. No, I'm not smelling my balls before sex. Oh, you're not? It's more for you? It's more for me.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm more in bed. I think playing with your balls is a very male. Like, like, I mean, like Al Bundy, hand in the pant was like him playing with balls is a a foot as an activity what age does that start seven as early as it gets my earliest memory

that's my first memory that's a good parenting tip you know just make sure that the that um you're making that your son isn't smelling his balls in public right you gotta make sure hey stop touching yourself that was like that's a thing said to young boys yeah they do that well that's like boobs men think Yeah, see, men think, wouldn't, I would play with boobs if I had them. Like, guys think that way. We don't sit there and play with our boobs.

Well, boobs are in, most of the time in bras. I would think that makes it harder. Never. Even if they weren't in a bra, I don't think I would be like. Yeah. If there was a ball bra. But someone could call that underwear. Yeah, I was good to say that is a banana hammock.

There is a, there's been underwear companies that are trying to like make this like. Cooling effect. No, they're like, holds it. That holds it. Yeah. It is the least comfortable thing I've ever put up my body. I can't deal. Now you know what it's like to be a woman.

Yeah. Right. Like tons, they're just throwing uncomfortable stuff around us. Lest trainers. Literally, why is our underwear a string up the ass? Oh my God. It is unfair. That's the least comfortable.

I remember having to get used to a thong. My mom was like, you should probably wear one for ballet. And I had to get used to something to me at my ass. Is the whole thing with thongs that you don't see the underwear line? Is that the whole thing? Yeah. that seems like such a crazy thing to like like it is it is crazy like for women a lot of times

it'll be like you know you bring up the societal stuff and it's like well that's one you guys can fix right away heels no no even heels what are they for what are we fixing I'm saying the underwear oh did I say something wrong just don't wear thongs yeah just don't wear thongs I don't know like I maybe it's for you to what do you think of full coverage underwear on a woman If I see...

Granny Pais as they've been dubbed. If I saw it, I wouldn't be like, oh, who could touch her? You know, like, I wouldn't be so offended. I'd be like, oh. Not that I even know it. Oh, is almost...

Oh, is like, oh is like a man's like, I'm going to like put this in the back of my head and break up with her in two months. That would be like, just tell me you're turned off. Look at this feminist who doesn't care about the world's pressures. What about underarm hair? Underarm hair?

Yeah. I would get. Oh, I go, someone's made decisions. I don't know, every one of these turns me into like a, like, an asshole. We're not saying general, your personal preference. I'm not like, look, well, I'll say this, Bush. I've always been pro Bush. Pro Bush.

How progressive of you. That's me. Wow. Always been pro Bush. Okay. Always. I think that's an age thing. Oh, okay.

I had an X one say to me, oh, is that like a landing strip? and I was like, yeah. And he was like, that must be a your age thing. And I was like, is it like most women have nothing? Yeah, like,

and he was only three years younger than me. That's such a weird, dumb cock block. Why would you say that to do that? I was immediately dry. Yeah. Like, I was like, it must be an age thing.

He said that must be an age thing. That's crazy. Yeah. If you're seeing the landing strip, the only thing to say is how much it turns you on. Right. Right. Especially well manicured.

That's crazy. Well, that's why I'm pro-bush. A manicured bush or like a... Wow, that's... Well, because I think in this day and age where most people are, like, waxing, the idea that you would zig while everyone else is zagging, you must be thinking about it in a sexual way.

Like, to me, it's like a turn-on. That's like a non-i-phone? That's sort of a zingual. Not the same. No, no, that's like on your... Does the iPhone have a bush? Would you date someone who didn't have an iPhone? Yeah, of course.

I would, but I'd be like, what happened? What's going on? Would you date some? Yes. You would, okay. I would be confused. Would you question it? You'd go, what made you?

I would, it would be something that I would go, you can't just be like, oh no, like I'd have to know the deal. Like, did you get money off? Is this a family plan? Yeah, what's going on? Who pays you to do this? Is it the camera? Like a lot of Android people are like obsessed with the camera. The camera is great.

I will give them that. I'm still laughing at my ecloth. Please, give us more. I'm just going to give you a couple more just because these are so funny. I forgot about some of them. Dress pants that are too blue. Two blue. Dress pants that are too blue.

Wow. I haven't heard that one before. What do you think of a green suit? Love a green suit. I think it's in, right? I love a green suit. Mike loves a green suit. So do I.

I like one half of a green suit. Like I like the green blazer. I don't know if I need the pants. On like a black pant? Could you do that? I don't. I don't really know what you do. Mike's very into the green.

Guys love a green suit. I love money. That's what you think of? No, I've seen a few green suits lately and it's I have had that lust for them. I want to be in a green suit. It's very, a peacocky move. A little bold, yeah. Brown shoes, green suit.

What about men on one of those swing rides at the fair? Like with a child? Like his feet dangling in a chair? On a date? Yeah. I went to Copenhagen and I went to this thing called Tavoli, which is like what Disney was based off. I think it's in Copenhagen.

I might be wrong. But it's called Tavoli Gardens. In the middle, they have this beautiful bar and it's like not Disney. It's like a, it's beautiful. Like an adult Disney? Yeah, a little bit. There's kids and there's rides. I went alone.

I went alone. Okay. I was alone. A grown man in an amusement park alone. Is that on the Iqlis? Yes. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, that's bad.

No, and then I, there was a swing that went around in circles. and I went on it, and you do feel like less of a man. I will say, like, because there's a dangling feet. Right, there's a moment where the ride lifts up and your feet are like now off the ground, and you're like, this isn't, no, I'm never gonna, I can never fucking again, I'll never get hard. I think if you have a kid, it's okay.

You're on it with a kid. Even so, that guy doesn't look great. Right. But you're right. Me alone, yeah. Taking a selfie. Did you do it? Yes, of course.

I have a video of it. I'll show it to you. I just came up as like a memory I get so giggly with Ickless I don't know why like I could just have a full-blown laugh attack right now just imagining them they're assured like a guy who says

ouchy is on the list that's good my husband originally when I or my tummy when I started dating him he said doggy and that I was like doggy I caught that I was like you can't say that anymore well this is the thing about ICLIS

is like what makes them funny is that everyone's ick is someone else's husband you know so like it's not like you are like sent to the the well to be killed because you you said owie it's just like you like because you see a lot of men on the internet that get angry about this they're like

well someone's a little choosy well you'll never see dates on it they get so mad they can't have fun with it and it's a very like Jordan Peterson it's self-deprecating it's like it's we're not saying you it's more about us It's just funny. No, it's funny.

And in fact, the people who, the men who give you the Ix are actually probably better husbands. That's true. You know what I mean? They're not like these dushy guys trying to like posture, come off cool. They're Phil Dumfies for modern family. They are Phil Dumfies. They're on the elliptical, taking selfies and say an ouchy. And willing to go on that ride alone.

Just slide that in there. Okay, have you guys also heard of breadcrubbing? Of course. How come I didn't know about breadcrumbing? I got a whole bag of bread in my... You just breadcrumbed girls? No, what is it? Breadcumbing, can we get a definition on it?

It's gone... You want like the official definition? Yeah, let's get the official definition because breadcrumbing sometimes you hear it and I go, now it's, the problem with buzzwords is... So many. They just become a thing. Yeah.

And then we just say them and they're blanket statements. Yeah. And so this happened with ghosting. Everything's ghosting. And it's like... Everything's love bombing. Everything, right. And it's like, this is the frustrating part about dating talk and is because if you say that, then you're right.

Yeah. No one ever goes, well, what do you mean? Yeah. And then you go. Words are very powerful. Right. And in the world of dating talk, you know, there's, I'm speaking for the men a lot of times. And it's a, you know, the men are, it's easy.

There's a punch up, punch down. The internet works and like, we can only punch up. Yeah. So a lot of dating talk, it's like. women punching up at men because they're the ones breadcoming, they're the ones doing these things.

And a lot of them come from like kind of human spots. Like sometimes there's the extreme of like someone had sex with you, never called you or talked to you again. That's ghosting and it's most extreme. Data for three months, then they disappeared.

That's ghosting. Yeah. That's a horrific thing for someone to do. It is. But then you get in this in between land where someone's like, well, I text you to go on the date and then you didn't answer

and we never met up, you know, and they ghosted me. Yeah. Okay. do you really deserve the hugs from society? I don't know. Right.

You know, so what is the definition of breadcumbing? Breadcrumming is a form of manipulation in which someone gives another person just enough attention to keep them interested without any intention of committing. It's also known as Hansel and Greteling and is similar to ghosting. Okay. So I would imagine. Hansle and Greddling is way funny. Yeah. In concrete terms, I think it's like I respond to your Instagram story, but I'm not asking you out.

Or I'm like, I'm flirting with you, but then I might not talk to you. Well, it's interesting. This goes back to something we talked about of like the male plight, which no one cares about. I understand. But I'm just, let me give you another side of this. You have no problems. The breadcrumbing is like, because important to that definition is when you know you don't want to go out with them. Right.

Men love vague options. Yeah. So that is inherently puts you in a position too. be a breadcrumber. Right. Because your whole life as a guy, you're told, talk to her, be a man, talk to her. And that makes you a man. Yeah.

Being bold, talking to her, telling her you will like her. Yeah. These are all things that we... The guy has to say it first. Right. Fire emoji. Say it first. Yeah.

And then you get this great tool called the internet where it allows you, the tool of the internet built by nerdy men that didn't have the social abilities to say hello and talk to her. Right. So a lot of the tools on social. media and on dating apps are for half ass, you know, making the water safer to swim in to. So it's like, I don't think a lot of people who breadcrumbs, like when we get into the vagueness, breadcrumbing, if you're sending fire emojis to someone, you're never going to ask out

while you're living with another woman, yeah, you've, you've cheated on one and you're breadcrumbing the other, you know, but if you're like in the dating world and you're single and you're like, she's cute and then it's like can't go out this week but yeah maybe next week and she's giving me attention like I do think there's there's more empathy to be given to that breadcrumming to me from that definition sounds a lot more manipulative than anything right well that's the thing it's like it can be yeah it can also be flirting right I'm not sure what I want to do with this person that is I get that because I'm like wow I could have been a breadcromer like that but I'm just thinking of like what I'm just taking my time you've DM'd with someone

it's almost like networking for like dating right yeah just keeping your pool wide networking for dating you know it's a Friday you can then feel like you can well that's the manipulative part of it yeah like I build trust with this person and so I'm gonna like tap them when I want something sexually or when it's convenient for me well this is the other with breadcrumbing it's also like you know what when does when does it become offensive it's like well you're dating someone you've been on five dates with another woman and you're still sending me texts of we should go out. Yeah.

Okay, that's pretty, that's pretty black and white. You're doing something kind of wrong to that woman and you're making me think that I'm going to go on a day with you. Right. You know, so, but then you go, well, is three dates with another woman and letting you know I want to go out? Like, this is where it gets into the minutia and that, I mean, this is why, like, I think what we do with the U.S. podcast is fun and good because we can break it down and go,

and maybe they're not such a monster. Maybe they are. Maybe they are. Right. Or maybe you're needing to be a little bit more alert to you're being manipulated. Well, we're going to make you a, I think that's what we do best on our show is we make you a better consumer of men that you're meeting. Right. Better able to read the signs of this person's being manipulative or this person might not be looking for the same thing as you.

Right. The worst type of person is like, you guys should stop the breadcrumbing. We're never going to stop it. Right. you know this is this is adam and eve yeah look what do you what are you out of your mind and grettling literally hansel and gretel we're comparing it to a children's story that's been around for hundreds of thousands of years or whatever it is you know like the you know yeah we're we're in the business of it's raining here's an umbrella yeah right you know that's nice

yeah you can never go wrong with that too because it's also just your opinion right well yeah I'm talking out of my ass all the time is that a turn off I I actually... What is that? It's like a suction cup thing to... Does it work? I have a bad... I have a...

Mine's a magnet. Mine's a magnet. And it pops out. It's a magnet. What do you... Yeah, the fridge? The fridge. I watch The Bachelor. I put it up on the fridge.

Really? It's a poor man's TV. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to play a quick game with you guys. It's pretty much like the game we did on yours. Love it. I love it. Yeah.

There's only so many games. There's only so many games. They're just different names for them. It's like, thank you or next. This is date or ditch. Date or ditch. Love it. We're going to be good at it.

So date scenarios. I'm going to throw them out there and you guys have to tell me if this would be a date or ditch for you. And of course, why? So it's so funny. These are like some of the similar questions. But your date orders orders food for you without asking what you like. Now we talked about this on your podcast, but I want to know. Unless it's like, I would say ditch.

Unless he's at we're at a restaurant, he goes to all the time. And he knows what he's like. And he knows your food allergies and your intolerances and all of it. And he's like, listen, the menu is like super complicated, but like I have, I know, like you have to order correctly and like I know exactly what like the best items are. I'd be like, yeah, go for it. I'd be intrigued. It's such a bold move from the male end.

Like I, you don't really meet a lot of women who are like, right, right. There's a very like tropey male thing to do that if a woman was like, don't give us a menu. I know what this guy wants. I'd be like, whoa. Yeah. It's like a power move. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

Hacking for you. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah, take me on your journey. That's a good point. I think I would like, I like both scenarios that you just gave. Okay, your date spends more time talking to the waiter than you. That's a turn off.

Yeah. I'm the show. No. That's what I would say. I'm like, are you not entertained? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, there's such a thing as like a disrespect on a date.

Like, when you're on a date with someone, you're there to meet that person. If you're, if you're, if you're. actively trying to meet other people on the date, I'm always like, well, not a good sign, right, a great ditch. What about if they're overly obsessed with their dogs? What does that look like? Okay, like I'm, I'd probably do it. Like, if I was on a date with you and I just kept showing you pictures of my dogs

and talking about my dogs and I had dog hair on my outfit. And I'm not asking you for more? Yeah. If I'm not asking for more, it might be a ditch. I just don't think, I think that you, that like my level of being into dogs, which is, again, medium. Yeah, I agree with you. I think it wouldn't be,

I think we wouldn't be a match. Okay. I don't think a guy, a guy who's being honest, has ever been pushed one way or another by a dog. Like, I don't think a guy likes a woman more because of a dog. I don't think a guy likes a girl less because of a dog.

I think we are nodding our heads and lying to you. Yeah. To get to other conversations when you talk about your dog. That's cool. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Because I see him on the apps. I'm not like, I see a dating app profile with a dog. And like, you got to be good.

If my dog likes you, I like you. Yeah. Well, guys with dogs try to like, think that's going to get them. I think it's manipulative. I think for the guy to like write back to that. Like I was thinking about it only because I'm on the apps and you see a lot of like, if my dog likes you, I'll like you. And I always think of the dude who would like write to that.

And I'm like, so he's just like lying to her off the bat. Like I like, oh, I love a dog. Like, oh, what's he going to write to that? Right. He's doing it to have sex. Right. That's so true. Yeah, so I just, I don't know.

That's been on my mind. So I'm glad I brought it up. Would you go, would you be with someone who like wasn't that interested in seeing the pictures? Yeah, I'd be like, turned on. Pretend. Pretend and lie to me. Right. I can't.

I was, I was, I started. Smile and not until we get to the bedroom. Right. Right. This dog's going to be making eye contact with you while I suck your dick. Yeah, you better like it. Get used to this face. Okay, last one is, what if they've never been in a serious relationship before?

Ooh, I like this question. Yeah. How old are they? Well, old. How old am I? Yeah. In the scenario, I guess. You're your age and they're your age.

They're my age. I wouldn't be a deal breaker or wouldn't be a ditch, but I think I'd be a little nervous that they were just looking to hook up because that seems to be what they have been doing. But I wouldn't say that in itself is a ditch. What about you? I think everyone has, and I don't mean to call this baggage, but it is baggage. It is your story. Yeah. We always talk about that, like, own your baggage.

It would really be how they played, how they talked about it. Like, that would really make a lot a difference for me. If someone's like, I'm never been in a relationship, but like, I was, you know, I had this guy, a lot of three-monthers. Yeah. I never really wanted it. And, you know, I'm thinking about it now. You know, like, it's all, how do you own that story? Right.

You know, in the same way, like, that guy who. you know, if a guy's never been in a relationship but at your age, you go, well, how do you own that story? Right. I need to know more context. Right. I, because I think a lot of women get self-conscious about this. Yeah. And now at 39, if I was on a day with a 30-year-old woman who, in 2024,

I think her parents would think differently than I would. Yeah. Like her parents would be like, you've never had a boyfriend. Like, I'm sure I could understand that that's something because my parents would be like, even when I was in high school, my parents were like,

none of you and your friends, no one has girlfriends, and I'm like, it's just different. You know, it's not the same as it was. The idea of, like, everyone having this high school bow, you know, like, so I, to go too long on this, I know you wanted to date or ditch. No, but I just think it is something that I think the self-conscious is maybe overblown. Yeah, I think that's fair.

Yeah. I think that's fair. Well, that was my game. I loved your game. It was great. I actually, I really loved being on your guys' podcast. That was very fun. You're fantastic.

We loved having you. I loved it. It was so fun to try. singing the streets about a total change for my initial i'm a caitland bristow fan club so i i sign us up yeah and i made your niece you came to the show we had a drink oh my gosh she loved you i sent you a text after my niece who's 16 was like she's going to kill me for saying this but she was like Jared is so hot oh oh a little young a little young for me but i i i i will say i was the fatest

the most disgusting I've ever been so I appreciate that the video you gotta change the angles on your camera just for me

it was like right under it was like a dad I needed I was also sweaty and hung over again the youth

that's how you know you're on your way to superstardom I'm a hot come on okay well that's good feedback I'm like a backstreet boy I'm gonna change

the angles of the cameras just do it from like the moon that angle that's what i need i need wide as possible wide downward angle from like a telescope not i was trying to be like the cool kids like 0.05 from down here no do you ever see like a wedding like wedding album and the photographer's supposed to be really good and they're like it's like too clear you're like right give me some black and white yeah yeah i need like not the clearest

picture yeah i just bought i not to go to plug city i just bought a camera that is a it's like i i don't know why I bought this. It was like such a frivolous purchase. It was like a throwaway. It looks like a disposable. It looks like a disposable, but it's not. And you can like attach it to your computer afterwards. I like went old school. But only because it showed these pictures that were like a little blurry and a little artsy. That's cool. And so I was like, I'm in. Yeah, look at me. That's good for you. I'm artsy. Yeah, you are an artsy runner. And hipster. Well, thank you so much. And you are going to regret the open door policy because I'm going to come back

any time. Any time. Yeah, friend of the pod. I love it. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. See your next Tuesday.