Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Keltie Knight: I Must Confess My Lady Secrets

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Keltie Knight, 1/3 of the LadyGang, Emmy Award winner, bestselling author, and leader of the sexy mature movement, joins her childhood friend KB in L.A. for a breakfast of champions: wine & podcasting. These two Alberta gals go way back, all the way back, and on today's episode they catch up on current life and reminisce on life back as kiddos. Everything is on the table with these two: grief counseling and resetting your life, recognizing your worth, offensive high school nicknames, and the frequency of outhouse usage. The LadyGang’s second book, Lady Secrets, comes out on September 20th so go snag one and while you're at it, get your tix to see them on tour, too! In honor of their book release, Keltie & Kaitlyn are revealing some of the hilarious, mortifying, and vulnerable secrets from both the LadyGangers and the ‘Viners.’ Plus, Kaitlyn recaps what it was like sitting with an entire table of exes at a recent wedding, and Keltie shares a confession about her own marriage that Vinos are sure to relate to. Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: VIRGIN VOYAGES - Details at Virginvoyages.com or call your travel advisor.  MODERN FERTILITY - Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/OFFTHEVINE.  HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.  PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's time to unwind. Here's your host, Caitlin Bristow. Cheers. Cheers. You're looking at it like it's. the last thing in the world, do you want to drink? It's literally 10 o'clock in the morning. Good morning, everybody. Only Caitlin would have a bottle of wine. She said, before you came in, she said, open them both, the red and the white. It's just the two of us. It's 10 a.m.

I wanted options. It's my breakfast. Actually, it is delicious one. Thank you. So we were just in, now, I don't know how to say this. Sanonais. I have no idea. Okay. Well, we were just there for a wedding and it was, I mean, Wilson-Sara's wedding. It was, Mindy Weiss did it. Yeah. And it was incredible. Like everything, even their speeches, I was like, I've never even, I've never heard a speech like that in my whole life, both of them and their parents.

Like everything that came out of everybody's mouth was perfect. Well, do you think it was because they had to push it off for a long time? So they'd like many showers and car rides to like re-rehears. Yeah. Oh, for sure. There was no rush. Yeah. There was no rush.

And there's a lot of real love there, I think. Oh, they are so madly in love. It like makes me sick. Yeah. It's cute as hell. And I've been to four weddings this summer. And it's like, Kristen, I just celebrated our ninth year of marriage and like 12th year together.

And at the part, like, I'll watch the people give the speech. And they're like, and I promise to always like binge watch that, that with you. And I was like, oh my God, you have definitely not seen his toenail fungus yet. Like, you don't know about marriage. You don't know what you should be promising. That's true. I promise that when I walk in on you pooping, I'll still have sex with you. again, not right away. It's going to take me a while to like read. I need to recover. I need to

five business days. Yeah. Thank you. Exactly. But it's like I I'm like, doesn't this make you remember? And we're like, we're looking each other like, no. Isn't that funny though? Is the seven year it's a real thing? Yes. Really? I think it is. Okay. I think it is. I had a couple really hard years with Chris in the middle. We're both working crazy and our love languages don't match up, which is same crazy but like I'm a words of affirmation I need you to be like you're so beautiful I love your outfit you're wearing this pretty dress like all these things and he's an acts of service so he'll be like he'll go invest the money balance the checkbook make sure my car is charged and I'm like no that's just shit you're supposed to do anyway yeah yeah that's not love

no that's just the bare minimum that's the minimum that's a good point though because I show love through acts of service and I would rather not but that's genuinely just how I do it but it doesn't it just feels like you're just being in a relationship like it feels like you're just being I'm just being a fiance right you're welcome yeah I wash the dog yeah you know like when I cook or yeah like make the bed right I'm like bear minimum can't you don't you see how much I love you right right right right no and he's like you he wants words of affirmation I want a card I want a long written card yeah I love a card I and I love words of affirmation I just show my love through acts of service. It's bizarre. Okay, I was reading this bio. We were talking about this.

And I said, can we talk about this on the podcast? And you said yes. So I was reading that you're, well, I know this, but I was reading the bio. And it's three times Emmy award winning television host. Yep. And you said I had to buy those. And I was like, what do you mean? Can you please explain what do you mean you had to buy your Emmys? So when you win a group Emmy. So you still won. You didn't buy the win. You can't buy the win. Oh, no, no. You got a win. So it's like, well, I don't know how it works. Can you like suck a dick for one? I mean, I could, but, like, I'd rather buy me. To be honest with you.

So when you win an Emmy for a show, so, like, I think if you're, like, the best actor Emmy, they probably give you that Emmy, maybe. Yeah. But when you win an Emmy for a show, like, I think there was 20 or 25 people that were working on my show that were all on, like, the list. So you get the nomination. And then they do send you, like, a piece of paper that's nice. Yeah.

And I think that's just to include it. like a diploma. Anyway, but if you win and you want the Emmy with your name on it, you have to buy it and it's $600 plus dollars. And you have to order it. You get a special link that's like encrypted only for like with your winners, you know, code. Because you can't, it would just go on and Caitlin Bristow, like, Caitlin Bristow, best girl. Yeah. You know, like in the world. In the world. Yeah. So yeah, you order it and you put in what you want. And then in like six months, it comes to your door and it's heavy. But it's like almost $700. Wow. And so I have three of them. And then. that's like a really nice purse. The third time, the first time, I was obsessed with it because I lost four years in a row. Oh, so you're like, so when we won the first time, I was like, oh my God, yes, give me everything. If they could have given me like a gilded crown, I would have bought that too. It didn't matter the cost. Year two, I was like, well, it was fun year one. And year three, I was like, oh, shit, do I need that? And I was like, no, you're going to regret it because it's only, you can't go. Like, can I get like an NFT? Yeah, that's what I was going to

money later. Yeah. So I have all three of them and I actually made little baby Santa hats for them. So at Christmas, I dressed the girls up. I'm not surprised. And, you know, and then actually one of the one thing I actually did is for most of last year, I actually had them put away in a box in a closet. I was like trying to like figure out what I wanted to do with my life. And I was like, it was very triggering for me to see like the TV Emmys and that like level. And I was like, no, no, no. And so I put them away. I don't have anything. Why do you miss that world? I didn't miss it, but I had such, and this is actually one of the essays in this book is called My Hollywood Heartbreak. And it's basically about leaving. I left entertainment tonight after a decade. And I just worked there for so long. I mean, I worked there when you were on The Bachelor with the other girl and you guys were, who knew? It was revolutionary to have two girls. And now it's just like every season. I just worked there for so long. It was like the worst breakup of my life. I had to leave all these people that I loved so much and cared about. And like, you built a lot of relationships over there. Yeah. And it was like just a

a really bad breakup. And so it was kind of like those Emmys were like my boyfriend's sweater or like unfollowing him on Instagram. I muted everyone I work with, put the Emmys away. And I was like, I'm just going to like look at this guy, man. Did I find happiness? I mean, I also would do like a year of grief counseling, which over a job, which sounds so stupid. I don't think that sounds stupid at all. I actually think that sounds genius because you could, yes, if I would have done that in, I talk about this relationship way, way more than I should, but this one hockey player. I had to do a lot of counseling to get through that heartbreak.

And I think a grieving counselor would have actually helped because you don't have to just grieve people because they die. Yeah. You can grieve a job, friendship, anything. It was like I was grieving who I once was, who I thought I was, the ego of it all. And then I was like, and then trying to figure out what your new life was going to look like. And that's like a lot of the grieving process is like, how do you figure out someone passes away? lose a child you lose a pet like how do you reset your life and so that's really what it was okay what was your biggest takeaway from that there was a couple things so one of the things that I and I had

written it to is that uh you're not worthless because someone doesn't see your worth um that you're not useless because you're not being used and and then one other thing that I really took away from my grief counselor when I lost this job was um that like it's okay to have big feelings about small things because I felt like I felt for a long time Kate like I felt like well I'm so stupid I've saved my I've been good with my money I have a house I have a car I have a family loves me have a husband loves me I've had lots of successes I've had lots of fun I've been around the world I've been in a fashion week I've been in the Met Gala like I've had the killer life so like oh poor me yeah there's people who can't afford groceries there's people in third world

countries there's you know I'm not allowed to be upset over this because it's a But then she was like, you got to have compassion for yourself. And like, you can have big feelings about things that are stupid. Yeah. And that really, like, gave you permission. It gave me permission. And then I stopped feeling guilty about feeling sad. Yeah. I was like, I was already feeling sad. I get that. And then the guilt of feeling sad over something that you shouldn't care that much about, but you do care deep in your core. And then you have to admit to the people, I really cared about this super superficial thing. Yeah. I know. I feel that actually because I sometimes I have pity parties about silly things and I actually will take a step back and have compassion for myself

and go, I can't compare my pain or my things that go wrong in my life to somebody who's like can't afford the groceries. I can't compare that because it's not even we don't have to compare it. We're allowed, like he said, we're allowed to have these big feelings about silly things. That's a life-changing quote. It's a big one. It's a big one. And it made me, you know, it feels better also in your relationships because you're like, you know, you can really be, Jason can be the guy for you. Chris can be the guy for me. And then I can freaking stick on something that's so small and inconsequential. And I can stick on it for like six months and be like, oh, about it. And it's like, it's okay to have big feelings about stupid things. It doesn't change the overarching theme here

that I love you and then you're the love of my life. But like, God damn it, I hate this about you. Oh my gosh. It's exhausting to be you. It's, it is exhausting. But that's especially with, I mean, I know you guys worked so much and you went through like a phase where you're both like probably focused on your careers and your careers only. So did you find, because some people think, you know, distance makes the heart grow fonder or whatever that saying is, did you find that in that time you missed each other or were you like didn't even notice? Because then I think about the other way where I'm like, you know, in the pandemic and we were just forced to be at home with that person. It's too much. It was just too much. Two people should not spend that amount of time together. Well, I have a very terrible thing to admit. And maybe your listeners will see some of themselves in me. I'm so glad you asked me this. I have never missed anyone in my life. Really? I love to be alone. Me too. We love to be alone. And there have been times where I went to New York for work or Chris went to New York for work. And it's like a week, two weeks. There was like all of November. He lived in New York last year. And like, I mean, I talked to him like every four days. We maybe FaceTime once.

Really? Yeah. Like we just. like I do my own life very well. And so when people are like, oh my God, I miss you so much, like I don't know what that feels. Like I don't, I like, I'm excited when I see you again. And I'm, but I don't like go to bed pining and being like, oh, I wish I had a friend around right now. Like I'm so happy to be in my house alone with a book with a fuzzy sock. Yeah. And like a foot mask on. Like do not bother me. So I get that. But for me, confidence and like that like sexiness of a man in charge, like doing his thing, is very sexy to me. So when Chris, at times in his life, has had a hard time at work and hasn't been feeling

that way, then he, like, becomes, like, kind of sad, has the smads, the sad mads, you know? And when he has the smads, it's, like, not as hot, you know? And obviously, same for me. Yeah, when I'm crying in a bucket, he's like, God, yeah, it's not like, he's like, I want to rip your clothes. Right, right. So, you know, I think we go, we go through phases, yes and no, but Chris, and I both love to work. And I think that's why it works is because we won't see each other.

Like we'll go to the pool and we'll be like, we're so excited to lay at our pool and like be on our laptops. Yeah. Yeah. Just working on a Saturday. Like what? It's losers. No, Jason and I are the same way. We both like, and I've talked about this on my podcast before, people are like, how are you not married it or why are you not wedding planning? I'm like, you're busy working. We are both busy working and we both love it. We both love what we do. And should we put each other first a little more often, probably, yeah sure but right now we actually are happy and love what we do and I'm like that's more important to me exactly and marriage is long yeah I think anyone that puts you pressure on you to be like and jack from our lady gang podcast is under the same book she's been engaged now for over a year yeah

it's been two years three years two years a year and a year and a year and people like when he hasn't even started she tried on some dresses that was it yeah and she's like calm down people like I have my whole life yeah I know I don't understand why like I know people are probably worried that we're going to break up or something. And if you do, you do. But like, that could happen if we're married too. Well, and it's way easier to break up when you're not married. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you do not have to have everything and all the prenups and things in order. Oh my gosh. All right. So I want to take a quick second and think back to sex ed. Okay. You probably learned all about how to prevent pregnancy. But what about how to plan for it? Seriously, I feel like we were

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Okay, thank you for asking. I believe this is why I'm here. Thank you so much for asking. Do you just look at that and feel so much pride? I feel so much pride. Yeah. You've worked so hard on that. We worked so hard.

on it. So basically, uh, Lady Gang, we had our first book, Act Like a Lady come out right at the beginning of pandemic. And everything that was supposed to happen with that book got canceled. We couldn't go on Good Morning America. We couldn't do the tour. We couldn't do a book signing. And I am such a book nerd. My life's greatest friend is books. I have been in the library club since I was six years old. All I do is read. I probably read three full books a week. Like I'm a psycho for a book. So to me, the Emmys, the television, the whatever, like, nothing fulfills me the way that a beautiful book does. So when the publisher came to us and act like a lady was a big success, we hit the New York Times list, we were bestseller in Canada. We hit the Washington Post

bestsellers list. Like, it was really exciting. And for a person that's not famous, it's very rare. Like that is very impressive. Because even look at like some of the girls that released big books this year from like, Badger Nation or reality, you got a huge followings, didn't hit the Times list. It's actually really difficult, and we have a beautiful community of ladies at Lady Gang, and a lot of them are near a Viner's, too. Yeah, Viner's. What do you call them? I actually like that a lot better.

Vinoes. But Viner's is good. Vinoes. Viner's is for the morning. Yeah. Okay, perfect. Like me right now. Anyway, so Lady's Secrets came about that when we wrote Act Like a Lady, the favorite thing

about the first book was these, like, in-depth essays that we wrote, I wrote about my divorce, backer wrote about her infertility like all these like really beautiful essays kind of like a chelsea handler book and so we're like okay well let's do more of that so in the book are like 35 essays that each of us wrote and they're in four different sections there's like mortifying confessions like jack poops i'm just going to say it jack poops oh god puts her feet up on the rim there's actually you know what there's a photo i'll just yeah i do love that you guys have some illustrations in there i'll help you here but wait she every single time she does that so this is the only way she can have a bowel movement.

No. Can you just hold that up to the screens somewhere? What? That's the only way she could poo. And she has never told anyone, not a doctor, not a fiance, no boyfriend. So she, and, uh, we, she has an essay called poop-neek, like technique. Yeah, for your poop. Anyway, so there's mortifying

like, really, like bodily function. Like a squatty potty, you don't need one. No, I guess you know. Make your own. Make your own. You are your own squatty potty. You are self-sufficient woman. Well, I'll never forget what you told me that one time. And I said, I just, I always wanted Sean to put a towel in the dryer for me when I came out of the shower and have a warm hug and a towel. And you're like, be your own towel warmer. And I was like,

yes, I will. And then I got a towel warmer for the bathroom. Yeah. And it really changed to my life. So do it yourself. Do it yourself. Wow. So she poops like that. Yeah. So there's mortifying confessions. There are like, there's cringe worthy confessions like once where you like with X or like, oh, we're like, oh, I wish that hadn't happened. There's, like, heartbreaking confessions. I talked about losing my job. Becca talked a lot about her infertility and then eventually having the surrogate. Jack has a lot of body dysmorphia that is, like, really deep-seated.

And so there's, like, a lot of that. And then there's confessions that are, like, worthy of a gold medal. So it's kind of like the sorry, not sorry. Ah. Like, I snuck into George Clooney's Cannes film festival party by accident. And then I eventually got kicked out, but, like, I'm not sorry that I did that. The Hotel Eden Rock. Like, you know what I mean?

And like, it was amazing. Yeah. Like, I snuck on the Oscars red carpet one year just to get my photo taken. Like, I wasn't supposed to be there. But like, how did you do that? Well, it's in the book. Okay. I'll give you a little.

So I wrote this entire chapter about it. Will I get sued probably? So they, so usually like I would get a credential to be on the red carpet because I was the backup because I was a correspondent. And I would do this like one party where you'd get an Oscar credential. So for many years, I like walk the red carpet at the Oscars in a fabulous dress, but I never actually went in the Oscars. Then I would like go back to the hotel, watch the Oscars and then go to the party that I was supposed to do it, but the credential worked for everything. And then one year, I got this Canadian designer. I thought I was going to be a good Canadian. I was like, I got this red dress from this Canadian

designer. I'm like, I'm going to support Canada. Here I am. Living my Miss Canada life. And that was the year that I was like at a different party. And I didn't get the right credential. So then I got one of the PAs to give me her credential. We kind of looked similar. I scanned it, went on, took my photos and gave it back to her. But then I got caught by one of our like most senior producer. who has passed away since, but it was, like, so bad. I got in so much trouble. You cannot, you're not allowed to do that, by the way. Lesson learned.

And the dress looked like, I'm going to say it, shit. It was not even a good outfit. Like, I thought it was, it wasn't, it did not come together. It was not worth it. But anyway, so it's all these, like, really funny life essays. But then we also had this hotline, 1-844 sexy lady. Yeah. And girls called in, and they left their confessions and we transcribe them.

And so we have just, like, all these stories, like, this is an amazing one. that stands out to me. This girl wrote in that she hates her in-laws so much that she has been faking narcolepsy for 17 years. So whenever they go to a hockey game, a football game, a Thanksgiving dinner, or whatever, she falls asleep on her husband's shoulder, but she's not asleep. She is bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. She's faking it. She does not want to be social with these people. 17 years of that. I feel like at that point, you have it. You've convinced yourself. Your body thinks you're just shutting down. She's like, I deserve an Oscar because I can hear them talking about she can really sleep anywhere and she's like I'm awake right now I just don't want to talk

to you that is so smart but also that reeks of effort it seems like a lot of effort yeah I'm like I'm just not available to go to your house right yeah I would just be like yeah I can't go yeah I'm not gonna go I would rather have a shitty relationship with them than pretend to sleep for 17 years that sounds so every but you do you yeah you do you girls we don't know my gosh and so you're doing you're going to do a tour oh my god yes because that's been a journey too with the world shutting down. We never got to tour and it got pushed a million times and we had made this deposit on a four bus and we're like, we're taking this damn tour bus out.

I will have this tour bus moment. So we start September 13th in Chicago, Nick, who I know you love is going to open the show. I actually do love him. I know, it's kind of great. And his podcast is doing. And I love to hate him and I love to hate to love them. You know what is weird. We actually met up the other day in Studio City because we were talking.

about his book is coming out just a couple weeks after ours and that's why we're like collaborating on this tour date and we're talking and I was like hey I'm here first like I'll grab you a coffee and he's like just coffee and cream I'm like great and I got it iced because it's summer it's 100 degrees and then he got there and he's like oh no I can't have iced hate ice coffee can't hate anything iced and he got a hot coffee and it was the middle of the summer I am guilty of that wait what yeah I love a hot coffee on a hot day maybe you're perfect together A hot coffee in the summer? I've had this conversation with, you know, um...

I saw your face and I was like, what? You don't think this is funny? Like, what's happening? I relate to it because I love hot coffee at any temperature. Like, even if I was in a hundred degree weather, I would still take a hot coffee over an iced one. Unless I'm really hungover. Then I like an iced coffee. Wow.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? This is wild. I really thought I could dog him, but I guess not. Anyway, I know that he's perfect. So he's going to open the show with us on. September 13th and then we're doing 15 cities so we are on the bus Philadelphia no no no he's just doing Chicago oh he's just because he's from close to

there and then we're gonna have like maybe special guests throughout and we'll be in New York City on our book published day which is September 20th and then when you buy here's what we did when you buy a ticket the tickets are like 30 bucks when you buy a ticket you get the book for free with your ticket so like you get a show and a book and essentially like the ticket costs you $4 because the book is $24 so like it's a great and you know it's like come it's gonna be fun where we're like people get tickets the lady gang com slash tour or live nation okay so come out it's gonna be great are you guys coming to nashville no and i would have asked you i've literally thought should i write or should i write her like we're doing

atlanta yeah we're doing charlotte we're doing like all these places around but there's no national date because everyone in their mother's touring you can't even get into a venue it's tough right now actually not only is it tough to get into a venue but it's tough to sell tickets like a lot of people are canceling stuff because of that yeah yes one republic just canceled their tour too did they i'm like if one republic if sean mendez can't sell a ticket how's the lady games and so this is the thing like we we have the only cities that are really basically sold out yet are la and and new york but like we have tickets available in every city but that's a great price the price is great and also i feel like people when it gets closer they'll be like okay i'll go you know what you

mean. Yeah. But then if it's not sold out, like I'm letting go of the pressure that I'm putting on myself to be this like perfect person that has like sold out signs. Like it's fine. You know what? If 400 people come, then we're going to have the best night ever. And 400 does a lot of people. And Columbus, Ohio, 47 tickets sold. If 47 people come in Columbus, Columbus is going to get everyone's a VIP. It's going to be the best. Like we're doing singalongs. We're, you know, we're like, it's going to be great. I mean, I've seen your live shows. They're incredible. Well, you gave us the idea because we, You asked us to be a part of your life show in the OC, like 100 years ago. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Wait, you know what's so funny is I thought I was a guest on yours. I think we were a guest on yours first. You're right. But I forgot about that. I thought you guys started that. Interesting. Transcetta.

We were talking earlier about names. And I was like, am I going to change my last name? Yeah. But Kylie Jenner just revealed in a TikTok. Did you see this? No. The baby? That her, what?

The baby's name? No. Oh. Oh, her name almost was something else. Yeah. Kylie Jenner, she revealed that her name was almost Kennedy, which would have been cute. But anyways, you changed your name. Yes, I was Bush. You were Kelty Bush. Yeah, the Bushes. The Bushes, as I knew. That's how I knew you growing up. Yeah. So when I got married for the first time when I was 20, I became a Minsky for 11 months. And then I kept that name, even though we got divorced, because I had immigrated to the United States using that name. And then I kept that as my legal name. I feel like until I got married to Chris in 2013. And then when I met Chris, I was like, Chris Knight, you're hot, you're tall. You're in the music business. You have scraggly haircut, which I love. And I was like, but then if we get married, I'll be Kelty Knight. And Kelty Knight will fuck you up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's a great name. Like she is informed. Yeah. She is in charge. Okay, you know what? I thought you changed. She will write two

books. I actually thought you changed your name. I didn't know it was his. Oh, yeah. No, you didn't know it was my married name. I guess I did. You're so pretty. She said that to me once. Isn't she so pretty? She's just so, she's, your producer's giving thumbs up. You're just so pretty. Somebody said that to me once. They're like, it's a good thing you're pretty. And I said, well, it's a good thing. You're smart. Yeah. Because you're not cute. Um, yeah, no, night is his name. Now I, I know that now. When I first saw that you weren't Kelty Bush anymore. I thought you didn't. Yeah. Like, you didn't. Like, chose the name night because I was like now I'm a television personnel attack I need that that's what I thought no oh okay okay okay well then that makes more sense but but I'll tell you

this if he ever leaves me I'm keeping the name well yeah yeah and I've had too you are now I've had too many name changes it's exhausting see that's why I said I love bristow I'm just going to stick with it and it's my identity yeah when I was in high school is Kelty Lickma Bush well I've told you might well everyone that listens to this podcast knows what my nickname was in high school. And it was Caitlin no breastos. Yeah. That's so terrible. I know. But now it's cool to not have any breasts. I love my small titties now. Me too. I really do. It was hard. It was such a thing. In high school, everyone was like, you aren't hot. Like, I remember you weren't hot unless you had big boobs. Yeah. And I remember a guy telling me that. He was like,

you'd be hot if you had boobs. Yeah. And I was like, shit. And then I'd stuff my bra. I'd always stuff my bra. Yeah. I had like the like push up water bras. The water bra from a Lucenza. Oh, yes. Oh, shut up. The water bra from Losenza. That's what I had. Of course. Everyone had it. And like I would wear it under my leotard to jazz class. Like what's happening. Same. Now I'm like, I'm like, I never wear a bra anymore. Never. I literally put on a sports bra under this blouse because I was like, I got to not not wear a bra. Yeah. It's Caitlin. Like dress up Kelty. Are you kidding? Did you see me when I came in the door? She rolled in and a. I rolled in late. You look like amazing. No, I look like I've been partying for the last two days because I have.

And I'm proud of you. It was actually, that wedding was so fun because we were saying that too. Like it's one thing to have a beautiful wedding. But if it's fun, that's even better. A fun wedding is different than a beautiful wedding. Well, it was both. This was my table. It was like me, Jason, Nick, his girlfriend, Chris Souls.

Random. Yes. Chris Harrison, who I hadn't spoke to in a while. Oh, yeah. Did Lauren go? Lauren was there. Yeah. Who else?

Ben Higgins and his wife. I was just staring at a table of exes. You're like, seeing you naked, seen you naked, seen you naked, seen you naked, seen your naked, seen your naked, seen your naked, seen you're naked. Jason, how are you feeling right now? Jason's so funny. He's like, we're literally at a table of everyone you've made out with. But you won, Jason.

Yeah, exactly. He knows that. He's good like that. And he has your giant rain. You're like, Cruz Harrison, can you pass me the wine? Exactly. No double halo for me No double halo anymore

You know it's so funny I did a TikTok The other day And actually I think I might have just saved it And it was like one of those ones Where it says like what kind of ring are you Or will you get? And it was double halo

And I was like, no I remember this I was like been there done that Never again Well that sounds like a lot of fun Do you want to talk about how it went with Chris? Sure How was it?

Because you had not seen him Or really spoken to him Since you took his job I haven't really ever talked about this, I guess. Yeah. It's a really hard thing when it's something, like we're just saying, you're allowed to have big feelings. You're excited for yourself and then you feel really bad for your friend. Yeah, that was me. I was so excited. But first of all, I didn't know that I was going to be a host. They really put it in a position for me to not get paid a host role. So they said it to me like, oh, you're going to be a mentor. And like, you're just going to be there for Katie and all of this. And so I was like, okay, so I'm not taking anybody's job. And I'm just the mentor. I'm just the mentor. And so then when I got there and we're reading the teleprompter and saying like, welcome to this season. I was like, we're definitely hosting.

Okay. So I had text Chris and said, I just want you to know you're irreplaceable. Yeah. And I had said all these like nice things. And then he didn't respond. Yeah. And he always responds right away. Right.

And I went, oh, shit. Okay. Is this bad? Is this bad? And then I was like, do I not take the job? Because I don't. And then. Right.

And then I wrote. again. I said, wait, you're not writing back. I'm freaking out. And then he didn't write back again. Yeah. And then I said, can I call you? And he didn't write back. And I just, I had to really not take it so personally because he was going through so much at the time. He was mourning his, his grief of his own life. I couldn't make it about myself, but I was sad. Yeah. And I felt really terrible. And so I was like, okay, I'm just going to let this go. And then I just wrote him on his birthday saying like, happy birthday. And then he still didn't respond. No, he did respond to that one. Okay. Oh, I said, I really miss you. Yeah. And he said, thanks, give Jason a tap on the butt for me. And I was like, and I need people to know this. Chris doesn't really get close to a lot of people in the Bachelor franchise,

but there are like a handful of people that he's really close with, and I was one of them. Yeah. And I always used to say, I told Jason when he asked me to marry him, I was like, you have to ask my dad, my stepdad, and Chris Harrison. And so this was like a really sad thing for me that I was like, we're just not there anymore. Yeah. And I felt guilty and whatever. Yeah.

So last night was the first time, or two nights ago now, was the first time I saw him or really have had a conversation. And, you know, he was so great with Jason and he was like, I miss you guys and blah, blah. But I said, I hugged him. I said, I miss you. And he said, I've always been here. But have you? But have you? Because I could show you the text. You weren't there. Yeah. Daddy was there. Daddy wasn't there. Well, it's an interesting thing, right? Like, obviously he was going through so much. I mean, that was his big. job, you know, and the way he lost his job and the fall from grace and the being embarrassed about, are you this horrible person? Like, are people, do people deserve to be held over the

fire and burned for the rest of their life for a misunderstanding of their bad behavior, doing something? Like, my therapist always says, we are all good and we're all bad. Yes. And we all kind of align somewhere along. There's no person that's perfect and there's no person that's just all terrible. And so I think we have to be compassionate and forgiving of people. But also, we can be like that was really shitty totally like that was not the best you you know but his whole thing like that would be really hard and and i would separate myself from that like i understand why he didn't write you back because it would have been so triggering you know what i mean it doesn't mean he wasn't happy for you right and he also has been in the business long enough that he knows

that eventually the karma of whatever's going to happen comes back around everyone's replaceable and everyone is replaced and it sucks yeah you've recently been through that too so you had your heartbreak over the same thing, you know? So it all happens, but sometimes things happen in those friendships where it's like, like, I don't know if you guys will ever be the same. No, we probably won't. And I'm, that makes me sad, but that kind of, I don't know, seeing him and having that one conversation, I was like, okay, it kind of gave me a little closure from it. Yeah. I was like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably not going to be the same. Yeah. But you're not the same either. No, I'm not. You know what I mean? Just a little better than I was before. You're just a little

better you're an Adele song but also like I think he you really loved his friendship because he was guiding you and he was like a strong male figure who when all these dudes were coming in and out of your life and being all wild like yes he could really ground who's very grounding for you and now you have Jason yeah have had someone take that role yeah that's true you know thank you for that yeah I think it'll be okay yeah everything's going to be okay this episode of off the vine is brought to you by progressive insurance now let's face it sometimes multiple the tasking can be overwhelming, like when your favorite podcast is playing and the person next to you is talking and your car fan is blasting, all while you're just trying to find yourself

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comparing auto rates, quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust progressive. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. But we also already talked about the book, but I had some of my favorite sneak peeks of your book in here. My husband thinks I'm getting in shape for summer, but I'm really getting into shape because I'm leaving him. Yes. So on the hotline for the lady gangers to put their secrets there was like overwhelmingly yeah a lot of people cheating on their husbands really a lot and i've always been like women don't really cheat that way like sure some do but like that way but like a lot of people are like fucking the sports teacher the pool

guy like it's crazy there's a lot a lot of lot of like pooping where you shouldn't be pooping the litter box the boat the like you know like just wild poop. That is what I've learned on this podcast too. When everyone has a confession on the podcast, they talk, it's a lot of poop related stuff. A lot of pooping. And we should not feel bad. Like, free yourself of that. But then there's a lot of like body stuff. Like, there was a woman who said she was so ashamed of her weight for so long and had been yo-yo dieting for years that she said she was going on a work trip and she went and got gastic bypass. It didn't tell anyone. has never told a soul and then came back and like now has lost all this way and is like working

out and everyone's like, oh my God. And like everyone around her thinks that she did it with willpower and like the nutrition and all this stuff. And she's like, I could not do it myself. So she feels guilty on all these points, but she like explained that. But yeah, there's a lot of people like getting hot to leave them. Wow. Yeah. Like everyone's like, oh, it's summer and you're like, no, I actually hate you. And I'm planning my exit from you right now. Sometimes I think Jason's doing that to me. Really? Oh, God, he's working out harder than he ever has before. And I'm like, are you getting ready to leave me? That just happened to a friend of mine. Really? Yeah, they were like not doing great. And he was like, well, I'm going to be single soon. So you got like super hot.

And then they actually stayed together. So really? Because he got hot. I guess. That's hilarious. There was another one I saw that said, I see a therapist for intimacy issues and finally gained the courage to date again. During COVID, my therapist worked from home. And I found out I was dating her husband while waiting in her virtual waiting room? This is not how it went, but yes. It's very close. Very close. Okay. So, yes. So the story is this. It wasn't a virtual waiting room. It's her actual waiting room. Oh, even worse. You probably had an early version. So she's, this woman wrote in, it's very long, but I'll give you the cold notes. So she's like, had all these bad relationships and she cannot date. She's like, I can't do it. I can't be near people. I can't have sex with people.

So she's seeing this woman therapist for like five years. And she's like, okay, okay, okay. And the woman therapist is like, all right, you've done the work. Now here's your homework. You need to go to the bar. You need to meet someone. She goes to the bar. She meets this guy. And they have like a little bit of a fling. Like he's coming to her house or whatever. Like all this stuff. They're sleeping together. She's like, oh my God. And she's going to therapy being like, I met this guy. Oh my gosh. Like I don't know like much about him. But like it just broke the seal. Like this is amazing. during COVID she moved her practice from her office where she normally went to therapy to her home office and you would come in the front door

and there was like a little bench at the front door and you would wait for your appointment and then she'd bring you into her home office she's sitting on the bench in the home she looks in the kitchen it's her guy she was the therapist husband

that she was seeing for intimacy issues did someone make it up Did someone make it up and submit it? Maybe. Is it the greatest story we've ever heard? Yes. Yes. That's crazy. That needs to be a movie. I mean, and you're just like looking and this guy's just walking by and it's like complete, but that's the thing. Everyone's lying. Everyone is lying. Everyone is lying. Everyone is lying. Everyone's lying. What do I lie about? I have no idea. But people, everyone is everyone has secrets. Yeah. Everyone has secrets. And it's, it's weird. I think what we hold on to. Yeah. as those secrets that we don't want people to know. Yeah. Like for so long, I was like, I don't want anyone to know that I was married when I was 20. Like, I just want to hide that from everyone. Yeah, I was like, it's just like, no.

I also didn't want people to know I was on The Bachelor. You know what I mean? For that, I know, I know. I know. Like, I was like, I don't, like, it was not an experience for me. Like, I'm not talking. And I was just like, anytime people would talk about it, I'd be like, no. Yeah.

I'm like, no, no. Now, but there's something about like Briné Brown always says, like, shame, love secrecy. So it's like when it's usually, you're. secret is something you feel really shameful about. Like where you don't, you feel like you're different or you're not okay. So you keep it a secret because you think you feel really ashamed of yourself. Yeah. But then letting that secret out. So therapeutic. Yeah. So therapeutic. Well, I have a few secrets from vinos, viner's. Okay. Let's go. That they wanted to share with you. The viner's. Yeah, the viner's. I was seven months pregnant and fully peed on my husband while having sex. I don't think that's a big deal.

No, because when you squirt, it's actually pee. It is? Yeah. I'm not a big squirber. I've only squirted twice in my whole life, once by myself masturbating, and once while I was masturbating during a sexual encounter with Chris. And I've never seen him more excited in his life. And I didn't have the heart to break it to him.

I hope he's not listening to this. That when you squirt, it's actually just like, it's actually pee. Yeah. It's not like vagina lube. It's like just pee. It feels like, does it smell like pee? it smells the way pee doesn't smell. It doesn't smell like pee.

And it's not yellow. I don't know what it is. But we're on sex with Emily and we're talking about it. And she said it's pee. Okay. And I believe her. I believe her. She knows what's up.

She knows everything. She squirted it out of every orifice she has. She really has. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. I had E. coli one time and I was embarrassed. I kept having to poop at my boyfriend's house and I pooped in a bowl in his bedroom.

His dad uses that bowl to marinate meat all the time. The vessels. Vessels are a big thing for secrets. Vessels. It's like, where do you? Well, actually, one of the secrets in the lady secrets book that I wrote is you'll remember this. Oh, God. Did you ever go to Grandma Hayes's like Cooking Lake? Yes. Okay. So Caitlin and I survived a tornado there, actually. No, you did not the tornado? Yeah. The tornado. You were in Cooking Lake, haven't? That's like the worst place to be. I can't believe I'm still here to tell the story. Oh, my God. It's made of paper. I know. my mom has it still recorded like the news i don't know visiting you were just there and then you had stuck there wow that is visiting grandma hayes i guess so okay so there's a there's a story in in lady secrets called the p was me yeah and it's about being so our we had the fake grandmother um so

our mothers were all a trio of friends this is us by the way we're talking about yeah this is us so there's there's kately and her mom and there's me and my mom and then they're there's Nancy and Cath. Yeah. And Nancy Cath are the third pillar on the triangle. Yeah. And their actual grandma, Graham Hayes, was like our pseudogramma. And she was like part of the croquettes, which I talk about in the book.

She was like tap dancing queen until she was like 90 years old. And she had this really shitty lake cabinet, cooking lake. Actually, Katie, I got a, I got to look at this. That's where I got Titus from. I believe you. For cooking lake. Hold on. The pee was me 17.

I need to, I'm going to, can I read from the book and explain cooking like? because I actually went on... Oh my God, this makes you so happy. I want on Yelp. Yeah. Okay. So I basically said, this story is about one of my favorite fake grandmas, grandma Hayes. Hilariously while recounting the story, I'm realizing I called fake grandma,

Grandma, but we called her husband John, Uncle John. Uncle John, yes. This makes absolutely no sense. That's so funny. Okay. So we're talking about the croquettes, and I was like, when I became a rocket, thank God she'd already died because, like, I was the worst rockette. Okay. So at the time, we spent a lot of time at her off the grid, Lake Cabin on Cooking Lake Alberta.

Cooking Lake's name comes from its Cree Indian name. And while it seems like the Four Seasons Maui, to me, looking back, it was far from it. Cooking Lakes only Google review states, okay, this place is hard to find. And when you see it, disappointing, save your gas money in time. There's no beach. The people in the area are very rude. And overall, it isn't worth the two hours or more. It will take you to find this place. On Reddit, it's described as a shallow slough. Slow? Slew. Slew. And at its deepest, five feet. Couldn't swim in the lake. There were so many bugs and leeches that my mom used to say,

watch out, you'll get the itch. Or the hepatitis. The actual cabin had a screen door that used to bang open and close. It must have had electricity, although I can't remember the lights ever being on. And there were no signs of technology. We barbecued. We drank lukewarm soda out of that useless fridge. And then we washed all the dishes by hand in the sink.

To kid me, it was heaven. Anyway. It was heaven. I freaking loved it there. We loved cooking, like, although I got hepatitis and survived a tornado, I still, like, think of it as a happy place. It was a happy way. So I was having one of my secrets is I was having a sleep over with Kath and Grandma Hayes was scary. Like I'm just letting you know. She was so nice. But she, because she was a grandma before Botox. So she actually looked her grandma age. The skin

folds in her face held secrets. And she was mean. And I was, my mom would always be like, you better be on your best behavior at grandma. I was like, oh my God. So anyway, so they only had an outhouse at Cooking Lake, which by the way, a lot of people have not pooped or peed in an outhouse. is very us. It's very alberton. Really? Yeah, there's like people who've gone their whole lives that have never had to like poop in an outhouse. Right. Have you pooped in an outhouse? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so. So, anyway, so it was an outhouse only. But then she would put a bedpan under in the blue bedroom in the front. I had to sleep over with calf. Yeah. And under the bed, you couldn't go to the outhouse in the middle of night because we were like nine. It was too scary. There's too many bugs dark. Yeah. So if you had to pee, you got up and you peed in the bedpan in the morning, you were responsible for like flushing out the bedpan. I only slept over there, like, once or twice. Okay. And so my secret is that, is that in the morning, Grandma Hay's come out and she was like, Girls! And she got so much trouble. She's like, whose pee is this? Because someone peed in the bedpan and didn't clean out in the morning. That was like your only job. Like, if you pee, it's fine.

But like, you got to play out. It was me, but I lied about it. I lied about it all those years ago. I've kept this secret inside. And I was like, it wasn't me. And Kath was like, it's not me. And I was like well it had to be someone and so like i don't know kath must have thought i was lying and i thought kath was lying but i knew i wasn't lying or knew i was lying and then like i have gone to bed and been like the pee was not me this whole time and so like i apologize to gram hayes rest in peace kath love you yeah kaelin yeah cooking like the pee was me i peed in the bedpan i didn't clean it out i forgot damn if you've never had to pee in a bedpan squatting over blue carpet are you living i i wish i could say i have because it would make

so much sense if we both had done that. And they still have, Nancy still has cooking lake. She does. She's still taking, we can, you can go there. I feel like there's an off the vine off the grid. Oh my gosh. You won't have that sign because there's no power. Yeah, I won't have, I'll bring it, but it won't light up. But there will be wine and a bedpan for the experience. Exactly. Oh, anyway. That's freaking amazing. Can I want to share a couple more? Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. I took you way off track. No, I love it. That is part of this podcast is going off track and I always love where that goes. Okay. Okay. I once brought a boy home, but then my ex called me and said he was outside. So I said I had to go to the bathroom, but I just went outside and had sex with my ex. Okay. First of all, proud of you. Yeah, that was amazing. Second of all, this happens a lot. There was a girl in Lady Secrets who said she had sex with someone in the front seat at the car and then she went to the back seat and then also had sex with that person.

What? At the same night. I don't know what. I can't remember the exact. I mean, it's in the book. This one's throwing me off. Okay. Chad Michael Murray. thought we were friends, but I was the one secretly vandalizing his house. Okay. That's illegal. I'm like, um, wait, Chad Michael Murray thought we were friends. But I was the one. I need way more.

Is there what? Viner? What the heck? I was the, but she's making it sound like this is like a known thing. Like, did his house actually get vandalized and we don't know who it is and this girl is a listener to the podcast and she's actually vandalizes Chad Michael Murray's house? But like, when's the last time you heard Chad Michael Murray?

You guys talk about all the time, Michael Murray. No. Vandalization on house. Vandalization? Yeah. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. I mean, yeah, I would like more answers from this person.

Wow. Wow. Okay, well, you know what? I have a secret. Oh, good. Okay. I can't believe I was. I would have been so mad at myself if I did this whole.

podcast and didn't tell you this because I've been saving it. Great. Okay. So the other night I got so high, like out of my mind high. I usually will take like half of an edible to sleep or like just want to get a little high. Fine. Yeah. So I ate a new one and I only took half. Yeah. And my tolerance is usually pretty good. Like I'm like, yeah, I can feel it. But like I don't want to get fucked up. Yeah. Well, this time it me up. Okay. And Jason, I didn't want him to know how high. high I was because when somebody points out how high I am, it makes me freak out. Yeah. And so he was in the bedroom and I was outside and I get the worst munchies.

Okay. And I was eating yogurt. Oh. And he said, very interesting choice for munchies, but he said, what are you doing out there? And I said, my, like, didn't even think about it. This isn't the full confession, but I'll get there. I said, I'm pretending yogurt is pie because it was key lime yogurt and I was genuinely pretending it was a pie.

Okay. And then he came out because he was like, what yeah yeah and then i was just like keeled over like laughing so hard that i couldn't breathe then i went down at he made me an ego waffle and i said yeah lego my ego bitch and then he didn't know what that was so then i thought lego my ego was canadian and so i started youtubeing all these lego my ego commercials which yes if you're high it's so funny okay and i was like you need to just go back to bed because i can't swallow my ego waffle like i'm laughing toward and i need you to leave me alone or I'm going to freak out.

Yeah. When he went back to bed, he had thrown a bag of brownies out because he was like, we don't need these brownies in the house. I ate brownies out of the garbage can. I did. Why did he throw them away? He was just like, we don't need them. Because he's getting ready to leave me.

And he's not eating the brownies. I'm just kidding. He's going on a hot girl summer walk. Yes. Wow, you took them out of the trash, but they were. the bag. They were in a bag. But you'd already had the key lime pie yogurt and the Lego my ego. And then you had the brownies. And then I went back for brownies. Wow. And this was all after like a very large dinner. Gross. You know what? It's the ego that gets me. Like I haven't

thought about purchasing a box of ego waffles in about 25 years. Oh. Like you just, the fact that you had an egg waffle. It wasn't an ego. It was actually a Kodiak protein bag. Oh, of course. Well, you know what? That makes more sense. That makes more sense. That's classy. That's classy. That's classy. Just trying to get a protein in. When you want to put a waffle in a toaster, that's the one you get. Oh my gosh. I just gets really embarrassing. I know. Did you tell Jason? I did tell. No, I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him. Everyone text him now. Go on. Yeah, everyone. Everyone can tell them because I was like, I got to save this for, but I even wrote it down in my notes under confessions. Brownies. I'm a horror for the sweets. I wrote down, and this is all while I was high, I wrote eight brownies. out of garbage. I pretended key lime yogurt was pie. Lego my ego. Oh, look, I came up with a new podcast segment. Swagnant, I called it. Hey, hi and read mean comments on TikTok. What? Oh, get high and

read mean comments on TikTok. Yeah, okay. I just couldn't type. Okay, good. Wow. You do your best work high. I guess so. Look how inspiring I am when I. My favorite thing about you is like the businesswoman special that you're like, I'm so high. I've just eaten 17 carbs. I have pre-diabetes. And I'm like, let me get my phone and make some notes about the podcast. Like, if that doesn't get you 10 more subscribers this week, you're working so hard. You know what? I got to eat more edibles if it doesn't. You know what? I will tell you this. So I've been going for this. Have you had the silk firm yet? It's a micro. So you know how like Kim Kardashian's like I'm Morpheus ate every week or whatever it is? What's that? Oh, the skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I've been going for this new one called Silfirm. Yeah. And it's so painful.

They give you laughing gas while they're doing it. They numb you and then also laughing gas. And like I'm going back for more syl firm just for the laughing gas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then it's over like and I'm back to work. Yeah. But like for that 20 minutes, I'm like,

because it's not like you take a Xanax so you're like out for the night. No, I'm just 20 minutes. She's stapling my face with this whatever painful torture device. And I'm just like, and then I'm like, oh, I'm in the flame. Like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Like, it's so good. Yeah. Can you get laughing gas like at your house?

Like, I think we're heading down to Michael Jackson territory here, like with the like home canisters of drugs that you're not supposed to have. Yeah, it's concerning. But like, I would be so into it if you could. Yeah, but then you'd just be sucking on gas all day. Not all day. Just for like a 20 minute me time. I set the alarm. I'm really good at like, I could set the alarm and be like, hey, everyone, it's lunch break and

like everyone go eat. Yeah. And I would just like, oh. But you're not laughing. No, you're not. You're just like, not on this planet. So Chris Stranberg was on my season of The Bachelor and he's a dentist. And he actually is my dentist.

Still? Yeah. Still? Weird. Yeah. Totally. You really do hang on to these guys. This is the table to Caitlin.

I feel like I made so many friends from my season. I was like, I got a bunch of new guy friends. In Nashville? Yeah. Well, he now has moved to L.A. and started his own practice, but I'll come here for him to do my teeth. He's so good. He's so good.

He's so good. At teeth. But he gave you laughing gas once. And I was like, it's not working. It was definitely working. And I have a video of myself saying him, no time we made out while he was doing my teeth. And I was like, okay, the laughing gas definitely worked. Oh, my God.

That's so embarrassing. But like, also very. You. So me. Yeah. I feel like when you write your book, it just be like guys I made out with and lessons I learned. And it can be like a coffee table book. Like just.

No, I want the stories. Oh, yeah. Like the dentist and then the, you know. Yeah. I could definitely write an entertaining book. But then I might, then Jason would really leave me. Yeah, that's true. And then you'd have to promote it and whore yourself out like I am now, like on a Monday morning.

You know what I mean? Like it's exhausting. You're, you know what? It's Monday. You're drinking wine. before noon and hoaring yourself out. And that is the Kelty Night Way. You know what I mean? Grandma Hayes. So proud. This one's for you. We're going to pour the rest of our wine out for Graham Hayes. For sure. And that's how we end the pod. Oh, I love it. Okay. Thank you for coming.

Dude, I'm so proud of you always. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you with this book. Can I tell everyone ladygang.com slash book? Yes. Ladygang.com slash tour. Come see us. It's $30.30 dollar tickets it's going to be super fun and it is fun i i can say from experience that you will not regret going to yeah we're going to have fun and we got the best lady hang we got the best photo booth we got the halo pod the best photo booth that like haley beber uses at all her parties so when you come you can like if nothing else you're walking with like the best picture of yourself wait i wonder if that's what we did at sarah and well's wedding i feel like did they have jiffs and video or was it just photo no it was because they have the Kardashians have like that

black. Yeah, that's probably the same one. You can do like a video and AI. You can do a beautiful photo. It's like really good. Oh, man. Where did those photos go? Uh-oh. They printed them too. I have them like an actual photo form. What's printing? I know. What's a camera roll? Okay, thanks for having me. Bye. Okay, bye. Cheers. Thank you. Love you. To grandma. To Grandma Hayes. I'm Kate Lombristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. of Off the Vine. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform.

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