Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Lady Gang Brings the Vibes

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Kaitlyn sits down with Keltie, Jac, and Becca of Lady Gang to talk all things! They start the conversation by discussing false beauty standards and red flags to lookout for while dating. Next, the group discusses Channing Tatum and their fantasy to combine podcasts and travel around the country on a tour bus! Stay tuned for a game where Kaitlyn asks everyone revealing questions! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

And Harris Dickinson from Baby Girl and Where the Crawdads sing is Mr. Darcy. And honestly, the chemistry, you guys, it's everything. Plus, you've got icons like Glenn Close, Bill Nye and Will Polter in the mix. Talk about a dream cast. Now, what I love is how Marissa pulls you right into Lizzie's world, her stubbornness, her wit, her messy family dynamics, and of course, her complicated feelings for Darcy. And with a vibrant new adaptation and original score by Grammy-nominated composer, it just feels so fresh and modern while still keeping that timeless Jane Austen charm.

So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. Get ready for lots of laughs, tabby topics, unfiltered advice, and wine. Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. Today I'm sitting down with The Minds and Mouths behind the Lady Gang, a weekly podcast that discusses all things celebrity and beyond.

One is a fellow Canadian and Emmy Award-winning television personality, who you'll see on pretty much every red carpet. One is an actress, singer, and dancer, who you most likely recognize from hit TV show Glee, and one is a self-made entrepreneur and CEO who built her brand from the ground up, which, by the way, I saw that you have like some sort of send nude something that I need to get for... Oh, hell, yeah. A little ramen shirt.

Yeah, okay. You may have also seen their show on the E-network where I made an appearance and listened to other shows on their own lady gang network. When the three of them get together, nothing is off limits. And I mean nothing. Nothing. I always love getting a chance to sit down with them and get weird. Please welcome to the podcast.

Kelty, Jack, and Becca Lady Gang Hey, thanks for having That was a good intro We've never been on your show together You see, yes you have We've only done your live show We did your live show, did you air it

Yes, they did Oh then we have been on your show together But the live show is different I have to say that you were like I don't know if I should do an intro And then also when we did your live show You're like I didn't prepare anything So I hope you guys are good

Live shows I don't Okay I did one with Nikki Glazer the other day And I was like I know I don't need to prepare anything because she will talk about anal for at least 20 minutes and then like you just get her on any topic and she'll have a skit for it. Like it's the best.

She's amazing. She talked about like like Titty fucking. Can I say that? Of course you can. Titty. Of course. On the TV show because she came on

and was a guest on the show. Yeah and then Keltie motorboated her. Yes. Yes. It was great. What was she talking about? I don't know. I don't know.

She likes to do it or something? I don't know. She enjoys it. No, but she was talking about. She doesn't have boobs, so she can't pity. And I was saying, yes, you can. You're not trying hard enough. Oh, yes.

I would have to agree with you because I have rather small pitties. Yeah. And you can do it. I think it kind of hurts them because of the sternum bones. Yeah, the bones. And then it hurts your arms from trying to push them together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was like saying, she was saying when you're doing it, all of a sudden, and she's like,

and then I'd see myself and I'd be like, ah. And she's like, wait, this didn't feel good for me at all. Yeah. She's like, I'm making, like, orgasm sounds, but like, this definitely doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good at all. Like, if anything, it, like, hurts because you're just squeezing boobs. And then it's kind of, like, a low point because you're like, oh, I can't really get them together. No one's even asked if I would do that, so. I can't, I honestly know if I have either. It hasn't even been on the menu. I do feel like it's very, um, high school. Yeah. It's like

if you can't have a vagina. Yeah. This is very dirty for me to say. Um, I have, I have something to ask you. What? I was getting a massage this week. Yeah. And they were massaging on my right side underneath my boob like below male or female female okay it was like underneath my rib and it was very painful i've looked it up it was my liver do you think that i'm dying oh yeah um it's a sign of liver disease is no i don't know i just made it up i have no idea don't freak out but when you press your organs hurt you on a daily basis yeah like when you press it hurts press right here right here does this hurt is it is it tender oh yeah it's tender yeah it is okay so it's normal to have some tender organs. Yeah. But not like super painful. Then you might have a liver. But wait, when you

actually touch your liver, does it hurt? Well, this, your liver is right here. I can't believe we're having this conversation. None of us should be having this conversation. I know. We're trying to diagnose Kelsey like any of us or a doctor. It's incredible. Why don't you just go get some blood work done? I could, but I had to come here. You blame me. So she dies. I had to go to off the vine. So I could not be diagnosed. I couldn't. I was doing you. Okay, this whole boot thing with the fashion, why do I feel like this always happens to you? Because her bones are made of powder.

Because she took a lot of acutane recently, and then now she has no bones. A side effect of acutane is like... It weakens the bones? Allegedly. Well, obviously, she's broken two bones in the last year. No. I had a bone scan. Okay.

And my bones were great, because I did have a lot of ankle pain. Yeah. Do you have, like, leftover dancer pain? I have... My knees. Okay. So, like, I have, like, a lot of, like, just leftover calf pain and, like, what's it called? Oh, shins flints.

I get that, too. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. And I was, like, working with this nutritionist trying to get healthy. And she was like, honestly, it's not normal to have that much pain, like, every night before you go to sleep. You're, like, pretty young person. And I was like, you're right. I'm definitely dying.

So then I made her write me a prescription for a bone scan. And so I went to the bone scan. And then they were like, your bones are great. So the truth is, is that one year I got on a car accident. and the next year I didn't know how to walk in New York City that's the truth my bones are not poof I'm just unlucky with bones

you are but you always make it fashion but also look at the size of her wrists it's like a small child her bones are very small I'm a part of the small wrist yeah this is how they grow them in Alberta yeah and you know what they say about girls with small wrist tight vagina that's what my mom said and your mom probably told her

that's not a thing that can't be true because also the size of your vagina has nothing to do with your bones. Well, and we all know you have a fluffy vagina. Yeah, she has a very large vagina. No, I'm actually resending that comment. Thank you for bringing this up. Okay.

Chris Knight asked me to. Her husband. You can't do it. He said, please stop saying your vagina's big because it's not and you're misinforming people. Okay, I will say this. I know it, it's not big. No.

It's not the actual vagina that's big. No, it's the space between her thighs and the vagina is wider. So she has a wider set. vagina. Yeah. You have childbearing hips is what you have. Yeah. Right? Is that what you're trying to say? No, it's... It's like some vaginas come to a tiny diamond

point. Yeah. Mine comes to a square. It's a rectangle. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. So it's not a big. It's just... I'll draw a photo for you guys. No. We don't need that. We don't need that. We'll have low makeup. I'm really... I really don't you draw a photo. Sure. I can't believe that this podcast so far has been talking about Kelty's body.

The entire thing is... Her brittle bones. her dream her liver her liver we're actually okay well let's get to your body because I have been living for your Instagram posts where you show the real shit behind the scenes well you've been doing it too yeah but that I loved it because I was actually someone who compared myself

to you oh stop it and you're like half my size I'd be like God her body is so stupid nice and then I was like oh my god she has cellulite like me well see that's the problem it's like we're all looking at shit on Instagram that's not real and then comparing ourselves to this like false idea of what beauty is so I don't

cellulate you don't know I think anyone over 30 in the right light everybody in the world has cellulite probably do yeah have you have you ever looked in the mirror and then clenched your butt oh yeah it's terrifying I used to do that in the dressing room at Rock of H's all the time to get the girls to be in a good mood like they'd be in sort of shitty moods they come to work and they'd be like putting their makeup on in the mirror and then I would go and turn around with my pants down and squeeze my butt cheeks really tight and there's like 75 dimples in each butt cheek oh yeah yeah I did wants to make my sister laugh. It's so good.

It is funny. Mine gets extra dimples, though. I mean, mine's very, very, very dimples. Also, can you hear me a cup because I think that there's a bugger in mine? A booger in your wine? I'm not kidding. Can I see? Yeah. Can I see? In your wine. This is the Kaylin West a wine. It's not a bugger. I'm not in my wine. It's on

the cup. I'm so tangled in Lowe's and you're like, sorry. But I do want to say, I really do appreciate those posts because when you're stunning. and you do have a great body but it's nice to see the like realness behind the scenes of like how you got to the photo it's oh yeah everybody has cellulate

everybody has roles um I wanted to steal stuff from your guys's podcast um because I had everyone else's I was going to say that's what we all do in this world right um so I wanted to do an allegedly how do you say what's the happening so let's talk about Miley Cyrus and Caitlin

breaking up wait they broke up oh my god Jack where have you been the last week and a half? Thank God. No, we're sad for her. She's trying to slide away. She needs to go back to the city lights. She's going to miss the harbor lights.

Didn't you hear the song? I don't think Miley. She's not 17 anymore. Yeah, once upon a time it was paradise and once upon a time she was paralyzed. I don't know I am upset for you too. You haven't listened to it and then copy the lyrics into your boojo.

Are you even a fan? Wait, is this a new Miley Cyrus song about her? I'm obsessed with the song. It's a beautiful song. It's a beautiful song. It's about lyrical duet. Okay. Dance magic. Lethbridge. We're doing it.

Oh, my God. Left Bridge. Lethbridge is a city, but like some of the big dance competitions from the states would come up because it's only like half an hour from the border. So if you were us up in Northern Canada, you had to drive down to Lethbridge to really compete against the Americans. Yeah. And always lose. I was just going to say. Always lost. I never won once against the Americans. That in Shelly's and Sandra Gray is where you went to Sandra Gray's. No, Shelly's. Oh, you're Shelly's. Oh, God. I'll never forget

I won one time against a shirley's girl and I was like I can quit now I've peaked The only time I won was when your mom was my adjudicator Favorite Judicator What does that?

That's a judge In the dance competitions You weren't a competition kid? No Oh I thought you did that No I did ballet I was like very classically trained I don't know brag

So were we actually Royal Academy of Dance But then I didn't do like cooter slams In like gymnasiums for like medals Like you guys did Oh That's too bad You could have been a trio

to Miley Cyrus slide away, but now it's not. Honestly, I would be down to do a trio with all of us, because I was always really jealous that I didn't get to do competition dance. Oh, yeah. I got to dress really slutty. What? Because Brittany, Becca's friend is a Beyonce dancer, and she choreographed our

opening routine for our tour. Can we just recreate it? Like, pretend we're back in the dance competition days so I can finally live out my dreams. I will get my mom to be the... Adjudicator. She'll handwrite because in the 90s they didn't have computers so they would handwrite Yeah Pick up your posse

Yeah Everything's pencil They had writers for them My mom was the writer Oh For your mom Yeah That's why I won

They were like 71 My mom's like 91 You went from like A silver award To a high gold award High gold award High gold award

It's a partner Holy shit If you were wearing headphones You would have just died I'm glad I'm glad I'm not I actually have been with Keltie all day today. Diamond divorce! It's a double diamond for Caitlin.

Behoom! Fireworks. Did that happen at dance competitions? Yeah. Wow. So you guys are going to do this. I want to be the Abby LeMeller. You can be the host.

You can be the host because there's always like some poor dance dad that's the announcer. And he's like in the side and he's like, next up, number 224. from Shelly's Dance Company. It's Eclipse. He probably cheated on his wife, and this is how he's like, you know, getting back in good graces. Yeah.

It's like, now you're hosting. Hit me with a hot note. Like, there's always like no excitement. Hit me with a hot note. Bootylish. She's too bootylicious for you. It's just like such a dad back there,

like saying these things. It's so funny because I'm not doing your segment properly either way. No, because I'm like, this is not allegedly. these are facts we don't know Jenna DeWan pregnant That's a fact

Yeah But you know the tea on that What no I know that guy really well And He used to be almost engaged To my best friend Uh-uh

Almost engaged mean Did they love Dating? He had the ring and had asked her parents Oh And like I was at a concert And I went up to him And was like

What are your intentions? No I went up to the mom And I was like, aren't we so happy for her? I think he's such a good guy. And I think he's going to propose. And she goes, oh, no, you haven't talked to her yet, have you? Because she was, like, planning on breaking up with him. Oh, she broke up with him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not really tea. That's tea for sure. Let's the little tea. No, because he's a serial celebrity dater. And I'm, I think he's a starboard. No, he's a really nice guy. And I'm happy for Jenna because she seems happy.

But this is a man that has only dated notable women in his entire. I will say that that is a big red flag. It's a red flag. A girlfriend of mine, if a girlfriend of mine, who's a celebrity, starts dating a normal, quote, normal guy, if the very important thing to know is, if he's ever dated another celebrity, you steer clear. And isn't he, like, an aspiring actor? Well, no, he's a Tony Ward winner. He's an actor. But he's not, like, a Hollywood.

He's not in, yeah. He's a theater actor, which means he doesn't matter. Also, haven't they just been dating for like a couple months? No, it's been like a year. Oh, okay. And what's Channing doing? Steele with that other girl? Is he?

Is he? Is he? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's still the twin. Wow. There's the twin of June of G.

You know who hates Channing Tatum's head? Becca. You hate his head. I don't hate his head. I don't hate his head. I just don't find him attractive at all. I don't either. I don't either.

I do. He's got a weird. He's so hot. He's so bulky. He's got a Tampa vibe that I can't get into. Is he from Florida? Oh, my God. I don't know.

I bet he is. It's Tampa vibe. But like, hilarious. Like a bodybuilder, Tampa man. They all. like they go to CrossFit, they love true religion jeans and they love a bedazzled butt. White sunglasses.

Oh, white sunglasses for sure. And they wear a boot cut jean with a flip flop. Yeah. You know Channing Tatum is wearing a boot cut gene with he loves a gene with a flip flop. Absolutely. But I like it. He has a big neck. It's hard to break. I don't want that because then my kids will get big necks. What if they're girls? I think about these things. I know. Well, my boyfriend has really big limbs, like really large, like very big bones. Is he beefy? Big, beefy limbs and I'm like, oh, if we have a girl. No. No, you never know.

Maybe you're, maybe you guys are going to breed athletes. Like professional athletes. Have you seen Jack? She's never been to the gym in my life. She can't throw a tennis ball. I can't run like a fourth of a mile without dying. That's so funny. Do you eat healthy? No. I'm just blessed. Wait, really? She only eats sandwiches. She eats a sandwich a day. That's her diet. I'm on the sandwich diet. I used

to work out all the time. I actually think it's a thing. I don't think so. It's like that cookie diet. I think here's what it is. It is. It's like if you indulge, once a day. Yeah. That's a great day. Okay. And if it's a sandwich, it's a hearty meal.

You're so fulfilled. And if that's all you're eating. And then I don't, and I don't want to like, so I used to like be on crazy diets all the time. And then like I'd do like, like bullshit keto or vegan, whatever. And then I would eat like a whole jar of almond butter.

Yeah. Because I was. Because you're hungry. Because I'm starving. Yeah. So it's like now I have my sandwich. I feel good. And then I don't worry about it.

One sandwich gets you through the whole day though. Half a sandwich. And then she says like the rest for later. Half of a Jersey might. Oh, my, my spot. Miserable. What kind of sandwich? And a cookie and a bag of chips.

Yeah, but that's the day. She does like, she does like, that's it. That's all you eat. Joel McHale has that, like, gladiator diet, and he only eats every 24 hours, but his is, like, really healthy. He probably eats like a steak. But that's what she does is like the gladiator sandwich diet. It's once a day.

It's like the gladiator light. Wait, Joel McHale eats only every 24 hours. Yeah. He has a crazy. He's like a crazy fitness person. No, and I used to see him at the gym at work. He's got a hot bod. He does.

He's undercover hot and he's so tall. He's very tall. Yeah, he's super tall. Tall, honey. Oh, tall. Oh, I thought you meant he was like a tool. Me too, no, no, no, he's probably tool. That's from Chicago.

Ooh, he's so tall. He's so tall. He also, never mind. Wrong show. He pissed me off so bad one time. He was on stage at Kimmel and he was like calling the girls on the show sluts. And like, I was backstage being like, oh, dear God. Wait, why were you guys were there and he was calling you slut?

like before you came out. Wait. Did he say sluts? He said sluts. Wait, wait. Why? Was it like a bachelor thing? Yeah.

What? So he came on. He was before I had to go out there on stage with Andy and Nick. And so when I was out there, he was calling, it was, you could tell, Jimmy Kimmel was so uncomfortable because of the way he was speaking about these women on the show. And I was like, does he know we're sending back here? That's so awkward. And they were like, yeah, and he came back.

I called him out. I was like, you're a dick. And then he followed me on Twitter. Oh. Oh. See, he's doing like the Negi thing. Yeah, he's like that kind of guy. He used to tease me in the gym like at work.

He'd be like, oh, you guys back at the gym? Like, yeah. And he's like, every day. He was like, now this girl's going to fall in love with me. Yeah. And then she did. Yeah. And then so did it.

Well, did you? No. You liked him a little bit. See, I would have liked that. Oh, just kidding. No. All right. On Wednesday from the network that brought you Riverdale, the CW brings you the haunting new series, Nancy

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or any time on the free CW app Have you been approached to star in any Broadway shows other than like the Christmas one you did? No. Every time we're with Caitlin

you ask her this. I'm just wondering she's just measuring up her where she's at in life. Just seeing if you've been offered Roxy yet. This is what she is. Hey, somebody said that to me.

Like a Broadway producer? Jason's brother is he does marketing for Broadway shows. And he was like, you'd be a great Roxy. And I was like, except for the fact that I can't sing like her. I can't sing either. Neither can't.

You could sing. And you were like a lyricist of our generation. Is that the word? Lyracist. I heard. I heard. Close. It's been a long day of podcasting, which means a lot of wine.

Yes, that's what I meant. But make up a song for us right now. Oh, I made up such a good one last night. Oh, my God. It was about, so I do this game with my dog Callie called Bagga Balls. but now it's a basket of balls. It's a bag. A bag of balls.

You say it like me. Yeah. So I have this giant basket and has like just 25 tennis balls in it. And then I throw them all down, but she won't bring them back. So she throws them, catches them, puts them in a pile. And then I go get the pile. So I started singing her, you want to be where the little balls are. Picking them up, putting them in your basket.

Oh, my God. Walking around the living room, wondering. Why? I have my bones I have my squeaks I haven't run outside in weeks Wondering free Wish you could be

My bag of balls What would I do? Thank you so much We'll call you Wow if anybody's still listening after that We'll call you don't call us I won't call you

okay first of all it just always impresses me that you would even remember the lyrics like you must have worked on that no I was saying it up and Chris took a video he likes what he does is I like to sing a lot

around the house and he'll video me from other rooms so he has videos of me and it's just him staring at the camera and it's my voice going bag of balls

oh my it's truly amazing and then I want and then you just see me go this is a good one right He's like, yeah. So do you do this? Like, do you know that he's secretly filming and you're actually kind of putting on a show?

No. No, no, no. Don't ruin the art. Don't cheap an end. This is for me. Don't because Chris, as you know, Chris never listens to me at all. He's always in his room on his phone, like, in his own world. So I don't ever think he's, like, paying attention.

So I'm just entertaining myself. But he came to your live show. They did. You guys have been crushing the live shows. And we're trying. I want to go to a live show. I need to go. We just finished.

We're about to kick off another one next year. Next year. we have to take this next few months off we've been together too long way too much but our next tour we're going on a full-blown tour bus and we're wrapping it with our faces that's what i want to go on a tour with us should we do like a lady gang i would act i actually think that's a really great idea and like half the bus could be my face and half could be your guys let's call norm where's norm yeah normal definitely fund this is he here absolutely a column we need like a like a nice you know what why are we doing a bus let's go a jet all right no no no no

I like sleeping on a tour bus a lot I love it I get nervous flying You slept on a few tour buses Yeah sure have I have ever heard of the Transylibrian Orchestra No Yeah

Honestly I had it really till you were in it I actually have seen it So many times It's a crazy Christmas song Like yeah That's that That's me Of course

I have a platinum record In my house somewhere Are you being serious Dead serious I toured with the Transylabrian Orchestra I was a dancer Violinist. No, floutist.

No, flautist. You and Lizzo. Someone who plays a flute. Yeah. That's really cool. It was so cool, and I lived on a tour bus for like three months. And you loved it. It was the best three months of my life, except for the fact that I gained, like, 30 pounds.

Oh, so how do we like that? Like, one a am and smoked weed. Wait, did you ever shit your pants on the bus? No, but I did. Here's the rule. Can't poop on the bus. The toilet on the bus. Oh, why?

Because it can't, like, go through all the systems. Yes. It might have changed since then. No, it hasn't. It hasn't. Okay. So I'm very sensitive stomach. Okay.

Very. Like IBS? Borderline. Got it. But I won't embrace it. I can't. I love the one thing. It's like I'm like an addict.

IBS. I'm like an addict where if I don't acknowledge that it's a problem, I don't have to do anything about it yet. So that's me. I have stomach issues. I'm not calling it anything. Yeah. So I had a stomach ache.

It's like two o'clock in the morning. We're in the middle of nowhere because you drive for hours and hours through the night and you're there's no there's no truck stop there's nothing they're like we're going to be there in an hour at a truck stop I'm like well these contractions that I'm currently having in my bowels are not going to make it so what I had to do a confession I think I've talked about this before have I on mine I don't know what I had to do is take a CVS plastic bag and wrap it over the toilet like you know those kitty toilets that parents travel with Yeah, and take a big Shadooby.

Yeah. Shadooby, that's cute. In the plastic bag, tie it on up and just toss it out the window. Oh, bag of shit out of the window. I can't believe your bus driver didn't stop. Look, what a dick. There was nowhere. There's nowhere.

There's no way. There's literally, we're in the middle of nowhere, like cornfield. But wouldn't you rather poo in a cornfield? Yes, but it was the middle of winter, dead of winter. Black outside, like no light. That's my favorite place to people. Oh, no lights around you. It's like a pretty good idea of Alberta.

It's what my sister does for my four-year-old niece. Yeah. It's like, I just did that. I'm going to say that was quick thinking. Yeah. And I want to recreate it this summer and you're coming. Okay. Well, so now you know, if you like get like the shits in the middle of nowhere and now you know how to.

Yeah. Plastic bags. Yeah. You know, just in case. Yeah. Honestly, the dance routine that we could do. Oh, wow. I can't even imagine.

I would break the dirty dancing lift with you little Bristow. Okay. Okay. But then you'll probably break. an arm. Yeah, I know. Let me do it. Okay, Beck, I'll have some kind of a broken bone.

I don't want to hurt you. I'm sturdier. That's true. We'll be back with more off the vine with Caitlin Bristow. Off the vine with Caitlin Bristow. I'm still looking at my notes. I'm like, and back to Demi Moore. So next on the list.

You know what's funny is because I feel like I never really know the hot goss. like you always feel me in either but i know so then but i get mine from windy williams yeah she's best so i feel like i can talk to you guys and figure it all out so i'm like demi morrisman speaking out about her relationship with ashton i'm talking about infidelity and um breaking her sobriety wait who is cheating on who he he's you tell me so he wanted to allegedly allegedly allegedly okay according to her book lady gang does allegedly so they don't get sued Fair.

Wanted to, like, spice up the relationship, bring someone in. So he suggested having a threesome. I think she broke her sobriety for him as well. She was like 20 years sober and then had a little drink. And then I saw something about, like, he posted on Instagram, this is forever ago, but like her hunched over a toilet throwing up. Wait, he posted that? Yeah.

This was a long time ago. So she mentions it. And she said that it was like basically him trying to be funny, but she felt so much shame because she had been sober for so long. So then I think it was at like Bruce Willis's party or something like that. And she got tanked and was sick. So it's like kind of heavy shit. And really heavy.

But I love a celebrity memoir when they go for it. Like how many celebrity members are like, this would be so good. And then you read it. And you're like, oh, you would. I'm like, if you're going to write your life story, I want to hear the dirty. The tea. The me is served. Does she have to get, uh,

the same thing when I wrote my book. Kay, I wonder that, too, is it the same? It's not, well, it's not the same at all, but it's not, if it, if you were in. Two are so much. Is it really the same though, Kelty? If you, if. Michelle Obama.

Well, wait, let me, all backtrack. Kelty wrote a book like 10 years ago. A bestseller. About, about her relationship with our mutual ex-boyfriend, by the way. Relationships. It was three. It was a pattern. that I dated the same person over and it was a learning to love memoir it was a self-published book

let me I'll say that okay can I get it number one on Amazon so I want to say I need to read it I'm gonna get it on Amazon high kicks and high hopes no rockets and rock bottom Rockettes Rockettes and Rock bottom I was going through a hard time once in my life and Kelty Randallie sent me the book no Beck was going through a hard time and Kelty was like here's my dating rock stars have you read well soon you'll never make love in this town again? No? No.

It's all about like, like, de-list people who want to be, like... Me? So, did Kelsey write it? You would love it. It's all about their stories about how they like... Why do you think I would love it? Well, I did. I'm not saying it was one of my favorite books to read.

You hear about, like, it's like the, like, soap opera stars who, like, get in with, like, the rock stars and think they've made it. Yeah. And all the drugs and alcohol. and what happens behind the scenes and Vanna White was in part of the story where the girl gets down with cocaine and are these like memoirs from the people

or is somebody are you shocked about Vana White's dude Vana White I wasn't first until I thought about it Vana White loves to ski you know what I'm saying I love I love ski I used to be friends with Pat Sejack on Twitter and he is the funniest person I've ever followed

in my life and he drinks a lot doesn't he? He had any sassy as f*** I'm like I want to be best friends with you. Pat Sejack, you're like 80. Can you imagine how bored you are if you're Pat Sayjack? You've had the same job 55 years. You're rich. Pat, think about Vana. Poor Vana. I'm on her feet

all day. How many times have they hooked up? She's never worn the same dress twice. Do you think Pat Sejack and Vanna White have done it? Definitely. They've definitely partied and hooked up. No. Absolutely. You hook up with if they're no. Yes. No. There's no 1,000%.

There's no platonic relationships. Are they both married? I don't know. Doesn't matter. In Hollywood. would. It doesn't. Well, that's, apparently, damn, they had, I don't, I don't know who cheated, but I don't, I just find, I, I had heard that he had cheated. He seems like he would, and then I would invests in Uber.

They did? He's like one of the main investors. When you get sex, resulted in your Uber, it's Ashton Critcher's fault, allegedly. Sue him. I heard a story that Uber drivers had mints and then girls were waking up in like, yeah. Well, apparently, this is a real. allegedly, but Uber

is having trouble because they're getting so desperate for drivers that they're like taking people on that have criminal records. This is it big allegedly. Wait, but they're probably desperate for I can't wait to take an Uber home to my house. I'll drive you home. This could get me sued, but like I have heard.

Lift girl all the way. Do you think Lyft does the same? Well, they do. They vet them a little better. You have to get interviewed in person. For real? Yeah, for Lyft, yeah. Yeah, but like psychopaths can pass any interview. I want to go. That's true. That's like Yeah, they can pass a polygraph test. Yeah. Yeah.

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Again, OBEFitness.com, off the vine. Can I just say that you guys are three of the biggest boss ladies out there? Wow. Strong women. No, you, I really, I honestly, like, I followed in your first. footsteps, Keltie, for a long time. And I always look up to what you guys do. And you guys now have your own podcast network. Yes. And I feel like you're just always like going for that next step where I'm like, oh, that's what I should have done. Like I'm always keeping following.

Well, the thing is, you do do it and then you do it better. And like you're more popular. Yeah. So it's been great. It's been great. Yeah. We're like a good like launching pad for you to figure out what your next moves are. I don't know. Keep going. By the way, what do I do? Caitlin, only you can sell a $97 screen. I was just about to say. I was just about to say that I love your scrunchies so much. Are you too? I do. And remember we were making fun of you because they're so expensive.

Yeah. They're worth it. I do like them. There is. It's because they're tight, but they have so much fabric. Yes. That when they wrap, you really see the pattern. The scrunch. You just see it in all its glory. I tried to wear one for a live show, but Kelsey stole my look, so

how much is it? Like $55? $15. 17. Basically 55. So 100. Plus shipping. Oh, shit. They're looking at 25. Canadian dollars.

But they're good. They are worth it. I will say. Listen, you're like Jojo Siwa. She sells her bows for like 30 bucks too. Yeah. She has a deal at Walmart. And she's like a billionaire.

Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Get those crunchies in Walmart. Yeah. I was hoping for Target. Or Barneys. But Target takes a large percentage of the deal.

So I'm like. Well, so does any big store does. Right. So just keep selling them online, girl. Yeah. So I'll just. Stick that big margin I learned what a margin was

when I started Scrunchy's Welcome And Jason's so smart And so when we were talking about stuff And he heard me say that He was like, hot He's like You know what a margin is

He's helped me so much In the business side of things He's so smart But anyways, thank you for saying that Because you're a tough cookie I am tough I'll tell you when something's bullshit Especially for anybody from Bachelor world

Beck is like I never root for Bachelor You're very like Shark Tank vibes Yeah You would be good on You'd be so go on that. Except I have no money to all mess. What experience does you have to be on shorts?

You're like, I would like to give you $5. All you need is a great haircut and a cute blazer. Thank you. You know. Yeah. That's what you got. My hairstylist, I got my haircut, like a bob, and he wrote me. He didn't cut it.

He styles it for events. And he's like, oh, my God, you look like the bitchiest publicist in all of L.A. And I was like, I so do. Thank you. You're like, that's the look I was going for. It is exactly. He goes, your tax bracket just went up. Where do you go?

Justin Anderson? No, I actually got my haircut by this guy, Dom. Wait, this is a really great conversation. Chris McMillan. I was going to save it for our podcast, but I'll give it to you. Okay. Well, if you're in a relationship, monogamous relationship as a female, I found a loophole. Okay.

A straight man to do your hair. Okay. Because they're touching you. It's not cheating. You're chatting. It's like you're on a date, not cheating. You're on a first date. you don't get off he brushes the hair from your face oh all you need when you're married is

simple you're like a newlywed land you need like physical touch from another I don't actually want penetration yeah same I just want you to like make me feel important what she is because I'm paying him a lot of money to cut my hair yeah it's everything I want in a man yeah but it's not cheating any shampoos you too no his assistant does that but that's okay because your face is so ugly when you're getting shampooed yeah you don't want to see yeah yeah yeah and you can just close your eyes and picture it. And then you sit down in his chair and I was like, oh my God, this is it. This is the key to a happy life.

His name is Dom at Chris McMillan. Well, listen, you don't even need a straight guy. You just need a hot guy. No, straight makes a difference because you know that there's a little feeling on the rich. You know that he might get a little tingle. Yeah. You never know. You know that he might be thinking the same thing.

Maybe. I mean, 10 years ago, he definitely would have been. Now, he's probably like, if I were really hammered, I would make out with her. I know. For me, that's enough. For me, she'd be hot.

That's enough. That's enough. I can go to sleep tonight feeling important that I was hot 10 years ago. Wait, you're still so hot. Oh, my God. Thank you. It's my haircut. No, it's everything.

Thanks. You've got it going on. Thank you so much. But you are a tough cookie. I am. It's, you would be good on like, what's a show? Like, Dancing with the Star is like a judge for that because you dance. It's true.

Yeah. She's trying to find something that you're qualified to do. She's like, you would be great on, like, that show about people that were once on television. Oh, you guys have been spending too much time together. That was rude. I know what was mean. That's super mean. Actually, I got to be honest, though, when you were reading my bio, I was like, oh, I wonder if ever, if I'll ever have a different thing to be.

I think about that I will always be the girl that came from the bachelor, bachelor, bachelor. No, don't say that. You've done a lot. Well, so have you. Well, but it's where we came from and it's what we were most known for. True. Until Lady Gang. What? Lady Gang goes off the Vine Tour 2020. Guys, I'm serious about this.

We're going to do it. Could you imagine? Let's crush the United States. Okay. I think we need. Yeah. We'll sell our book. You can sell your scrunchies. It will be great. Maybe give them a discount. Oh, I just had another idea. What? We could create it. an app that followed the bus? Nope. No. That's weird. Just kidding.

I don't want people following the bus. We had a real f*** up thing happened at our L.A. show. No, you did. Wait. Like a stalker situation? Wait, that's my biggest fear. Okay, wait. Why do you want an app to follow the bus if you're scared of stalkers? You psycho? I don't know. It came to my brain and as soon as I said it loud and you guys shut it down very quickly, I realized how stupid it was.

There's like no worse idea for an app. What happened? What happened at the L.A. show? That's not that big of a deal. Yeah. What are you even talking? When your iPad got stolen? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, we had a show.

We were selling merch through an iPad and then somebody stole it. And then, and then today. It has nothing to do with us. Somebody would have stolen an iPad from anywhere. But I was from the Apple store. And then we went through our cash box. And so we always have a $200 float, which maybe we shouldn't be saying. But anyway, we won't anymore.

And we were like. It's $200. We'll be okay. We're like counting it. We're like, okay, let's see how much merch we sold. and we had $206. Someone stole all the money. Okay, that's sad.

And then you're like, who the fuck is coming to our shows that is stealing this kind of stuff? I think it was the security people. We're never doing a show there again. I'll tell you that. Can you off? No, we're not going to tell you who.

No, I said off, off the record. You can tell me so I don't go there. Yeah, you won't go there. Oh, okay. It's too small for you. Oh, no. Stop it. Yeah.

You guys, I have like, not for our next tour. Oh, yeah, our next year is going to be so big. Let's do the same center. Or like the Rose Bowl But your guys is set and like everything is really beautiful Like it looks like It's great We hired people that did that for us

But I actually have a great idea Yeah, okay I've had some wine I don't know if it's a great idea But tell me. I just talked about an air We should make an app So people follow us around our life

So you know what? I should just have the tracker app on my phone And then people can know where I am at all times We can say we're here when we're not But then get like a body double Yeah Yeah, but just make money off the app. Yeah.

Why not? Here's my idea. Okay. So did you hear about the kid at college game day who, who, like, had a sign with his Venmo on it? And he's, like, asking for money. What was the money for, Jeff? He wanted beer money for natural light, I think. For beer money.

For nanny light? Which is, like, he doesn't need much. But then everybody, he got a million dollars sent to his Venmo. $50,000? $5,000. $1,000. So then he said, I will actually now match whatever. Can you?

Jeff, just tell the story. Basically what happened was this guy put up a sign asking for beer money at a college game day ESPN broadcast. And then he got sent a ton of money, like $50,000. And then decided instead of just using it for beer, he was going to donate it. I think he was from Iowa State. And so he donated it to the Children's Hospital at Iowa. You're joking. The thing.

And then the Children's Hospital matched it. And I think Venmo matched it. So now they're going 150. Here's my idea. Okay. I think we should book something ridiculous, like the Staples Center or the Hollywood Bowl. Or something completely insane. It's just like the LRA.

No, no, the LRA is tiny. No, it's not. It's pretty small. How big is it? It's really like 1,500. No, I'm trucking huge. Oh, you want like huge. As a joke and like we know we're not qualified to play this.

Or the Hollywood Bowl would be incredible. Offseason, it's probably easy to get. Yeah. And then what we should do is like be like, be like we're going to we're really going to put all that we're going to donate all the money to children's hospital LA but that gets that many people at our show so it's like even if they don't want to come see our show then they are forced to fall in love with how funny we are exactly and then they're like I'm now a fan yeah that's the long time I feel like we should do this

and then it's like if tickets are $15 it's like not a terrible idea I'm into it and then it's like did you hear about those four dumb bitches that tried to sell out the stable center for charity and then it did 500 people show up and then it could be some kind of record like until I'm not mad at this idea I want to do it I'm really not mad at that idea I want to do it I'll do it I really like your confidence thank you and I feel like we would surprise ourselves I think so too did you put them on the to do list or were you doing something else she's doing something else it's sure what did she say how do we get into the staple center I well I was actually texting our community because we got a phone number she wasn't doing it

it. You have a community phone number? Yeah, we have a phone number now. So I'm texting, I'm texting a picture of us podcasting with you. Okay, so you weren't putting it on the to-do list. No, I'm doing it now. You have a phone number where, like, listeners can text you. We'll tell you about it. Okay. Do you want to know our phone number? Yeah. It's three-two-three. Three-two-nine five-one-four-seven. Wait, I want in. Can you hand me my phone, please? You can text us. I just text it a picture. Yes, I do. Okay. Okay, text us.

Three, two, three, two, three. Wait, wait, wait, three, two, three, three, nine. Three, two, nine. Lower, are you doing it? Five one, four seven. Send one, seven. It's writing it down. And then, and then, wait, my question is, does this.

Jeff, are you going to text us? Oh, he's got it. Oh, there we go. Someone, I put this picture to our text people podcasting, and they said, Kelty or damn mess. Oh, it's rude. Oh, my God. You, I don't want to be in this group anymore.

Five one, 47. No, Keel. and you're going to end up getting a bunch of random text from Kelty now. No, you can unsubscribe. Will they see my number? No. Oh, okay. I won't see your number.

Lady. I'm scared. Okay, well, it never shows you. Basically what you're doing is subscribing to our fan list. Oh, good. Norm's here. Let's see if he's going to fund our tour. Come on in, Norm.

Come on in. You have a question. Norm, C.E. Norm, it's so good you're here because we need some money. We have a question for you. We have a question. Come on in. We have a pitch.

Kaylin. You mean Daddy Norm Bucks. Daddy Norm Bucs. Norm. Give us that money. Kailin. Kailin, don't get distracted by the Lakers jacket. Pitch it hard.

Pitch it hard. Pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch. What? Pitch our tour. Oh, Norm. Okay, so we're thinking about taking this on the road. Right. So, Lady Gang, verse, not verse.

With. Plus is fun. I love a competition. Yeah. the vine, tour bus, traveling the country. Yeah.

It's like a circus. With our faces on the bus. With our faces on the bus. But we need some money. Can we borrow your yacht? We could yacht from city. We could do a coastal tour and we could take we could take Norm's yacht around

all the cities of America. Let me say this. It certainly is something that sounds very promising. It does, right? Thank you. That's what we thought. Yeah.

Do you want me to commit to it? in front of 2 million people right now? Yes, because we need it on record before you back out. Yeah. No. I think it could be great. You can be in the opening number dance if you want. Let him answer.

You know, I used to dance it used to be a very important part of my life back during the days of a surfer stump. Oh yeah, the old surfer stump. Yeah, I actually played drums for Dick Dale. Nuh. You don't even know who Dick Dale is. No idea.

But that's cool. It sounds like a really good idea. No shit. Will you make us track jackets? Yes. Make us track jackets. Wait, did you make Norm take you to a Lakers game yet? No.

Oh, that's what? Norm. Come on. Quartz side. Me and me, we're going. Okay, deal. Okay, fine, Jason can come to you. Yeah, deal.

Okay. Deal. Really? And you get a free pretzel. Oh. No. A girl has a free pretzel. I did.

Yeah. I don't remember that. Well, you know, you might also mention that we were sitting in four courtside seats next to the liquor pinch. I mean, whatever, but the pretzel was delicious. That's what Kelty remembered. Now, look, we're all human beings

here who have time on our schedules to do these things. What about you? Well, I'm going to make time for this. We're going to book the tour 2020. Becca also had a great idea where we aim

for the stars and we book the Staples Center. We book the Staples Center. Or Hollywood Ball. Hollywood Bowl. I like the Hollywood Bowl. The bowl's better. And then we sell out the ball, we give all the money to a charity. But we get so many new listeners.

It's a win-win. And you get us a billboard. Well, let me just sit there. And then buy all the extra tickets so we don't know. And also a $3,000 per girl wardrobe budget. Thank you. And $5,000 for low. I'd like to emcee it.

I'm good. That's a little like minority. I'm gay, Latino. It's a little. It's a high gold award I just came in to say hi Well you just signed off on a new business venture So congrats

I'm excited Sounds like a great idea Okay And the billboard would in fact be the bus Yeah Yeah no that's what we're talking about No when you know back in my Westwood one days We had three traveling mobile recording studios

Oh you did? Oh my god that we can record podcasting on the road Oh wait that's a whole other world I didn't think of They were giant billboards wherever they went. That's like in Las Vegas when it's like 1-800 stripper. Yeah, and the guys are like flicking out the car. Okay, look, all I need is for you all to commit to a one-year extension. I knew there's, so that we can do this.

Norm's a businessman. He knows how to get us. I mean, all we need is an extension, and we'll go forward on this. All right. If you get a year extension, do we get a tour bus? Well. That sounded, that... Yeah. It sounded like...

Yes. Yes. Sold! Sold! Sign on the dotted line. Did you know that tour buses were like $10,000 a week? They are.

It's a lot. You didn't do that math. Better than flights. You have to be able to use the bath. This is recorded. So you can't eat this month. Well, that's if you rent them. Do you own a tour bus?

No, I don't own a tour bus. Do you want to buy one? But the Lakers do. Right. mobile recording studios. We own them. We own them. But we're not sleeping in the recording studio. I need a bunk, Norm.

All you get is a pillow. A condo bunk. A pillow. Nice bathroom. And a nice bathroom. No, Becca doesn't need one. She poops in the bags. We don't need a nice bathroom. A nice bathroom with a CVS bag. Okay. Well, Norm, we can't wait. I see no reason to. I'll have

paperwork here for you tomorrow. Businessman right there. How are you do a deal? When you guys write in to ask the lady gang and like off the vaunt, or wait, grape therapy and you're like, how did you do what you do? You just saw a master lesson in negotiation. Welcome to the boardroom. Oh, Kelty, you are such a, anyway. A smart, successful woman.

Meanwhile, we're the morons. He's like, hot, got him. We hadn't planned on actually coming into the studio, right, Mary? Well, I'm glad you did. I know. Are you excited for your future with us now? I'm always excited about my future with you guys. Well, we're excited about our future with you.

Because we're the best podcasters and Caitlin. Crazy women. I've been with the same crazy woman for 35 years and it gets better every day. Oh. Mary is a saint. He knows crazy. Yeah, I love it. That's right.

He knows crazy. Carry on. I love you. Bye, no. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. See you at the Lakers game.

And on tour. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. You're listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. You guys, I just got a crazy news alert. No, you did. What is it? Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott broke up. Stop it.

I got to go. I got to go. I got to go. Shit. I'm Caitlin Bristol. Let's see you next to you. Let me. Stop it.

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott taking a break from relationship. Wow. The couple's walking away from the relationship for now. Sources connected to the now exes say they haven't been together publicly since his look mom. I can fly documentary pre-room in Santa Monica August 27. They have baby stormy and things have cooled. They're trying to make the relationship work for a while, but several weeks ago, they decided to step away at least now. Worth noting Kylie hasn't posted anything about Travis in September 10th. They were inseparable over the summer, taking that crazy yacht trip and vacation together. I'm bored. And he didn't, uh, uh, uh, Travis did not go with Kylie to the Bieber wedding. Oh, there is a beep. Oh, right, right. That happened this weekend. Yesterday, literally yesterday. Oh my gosh.

Wait, I thought they were solid. Nope. Nope. Are they ever? It's Hollywood. We're never solid. Never. No one.

You're not solid. You think Jason's so great giving you business advice. He could walk away any time. Oh, that was so mean. That was fucking mean. Harsh. Can I have more wine, please? Can I have more wine, please have more wine?

No, I told the good. It's not that mean. It's the truth. No, that is the truth. truth. Who hurt you? That's how I think in relationships. You hurt you. You have to make sure you have your secret pocket of money in your sock drawer. Yeah, you do.

Look, I'm just fine on my own. Yes, you are. Yes, I am my own towel warmer. No. Oh my God, tell the girls. Tell the girls. I had a fit with Jason. So, long story short, is I always like a warm towel out of the

shower. So I always always. No, no, no, sorry. as a treat as a treat I would like if somebody was thoughtful to bring me a warm towel when I get out of the shower so I told Sean that on the show I told Nick that on the show and then you told me on the podcast and I told you on the podcast and so over my last relationship I was like I never wants my towel on the dryer and when I met Jason I was like he would totally put my towel in the dryer that's the kind of guy who puts your towel in the dryer and so and then and then he didn't so before I got in the shower one time I said look I love a a warm towel. He's like, and I love a warm mouth on my penis. Yeah. And I would have done that in return. I'm very good at giving back.

And so he thought it was ridiculous, but he said to himself, look, if this makes Caitlin happy, I'm going to do it. Yeah. So I get in the shower. I got to stay a nice blonde. I put the purple shampoo in, so I need a few minutes. And he goes, here's your towel, babe, and puts it on the hanger and walks out. And I went, no!

You need it at least 10 more minutes. I'm not ready yet. Oh, no. You're a nightmare. Okay, I can be. So it came out of the shower and I was like,

but you have to understand like it when it's warm like if you just hang it there then it's not. It's not going to be warm anymore in five minutes, yeah. And I looked at him and I was like, I know this is stupid.

Like, I know this sounds insane. And I said to him, please tell me, do you think I'm crazy outside of this moment right now? And he said, no. And I said, I understand that this is crazy. It's just a weird thing for me. Then he had a shower

and I brought him a warm towel and he got out of the shower and he goes, I get it now. Aww. So for my birthday he bought me a towel warmer that plugs in by the shower. That's cute. But when Kaelin told me this on her podcast, it was before he got her the towel warmer because I was going to

send you one off Amazon. I said Caitlin, you can warm your own towels. It's not that hard. Yeah. And I respected that. With a towel warmer. And you were like, what? And then you have one. It changed my life. Is it so nice now?

And my relationship. I feel like an independent woman who warms my own towels. Warm your own towels. I don't care about a warm towel. I love a warm toilet seat. I've never had a towel. I don't like that. I don't like it.

Because I feel like there's been cheeks on it before me. No. You can tell when it's a heated one, when it's a nice heated toilet or when it's like butt cheek heat. It's so good. I peed on the floor so much last night. What? How is that?

Related. Anything we're talking about. You was talking with toilet seats. Kill me now. Why are you pissing on the floor? I was, I was in a stall in a public bathroom. And you know, have you ever walked into a public bathroom and you're like, who the pete on the seat?

How does the peeve and get there? I found out. You. I was too close. I was too close to the outer rim. And the pee. And the pee hit the rim and then I looked down. There was a puddle.

I'd have wipe it up. Did you pit piss all over your legs as well? No. It just got on the floor. My wide-set vagina helps me avoid my legs. Oh, my God. Oh, the wide-set vagina makes a rare appearance. Is that called the Pacific Rim?

The Pacific Rim. Pacific Rim. Oh. I wish our producer would have a whiteboard and send us messages like that. I know. I love the producers me. Let me tell you. I know.

We wish you'd send us messages. Half the time I'm not. even funny. Jeff is just in the background with a whiteboard holding up jokes. For real? Your ghost writer. He's my ghostwriter. Will needs to step it up. Yeah, Jeff's good. I demanded Jeff actually. Except Will, I will tell you

Will is the lady gang like producer of all shows and we've sent everyone in for their meetings. You're going to meet Will for the first time and Norm and the sales team blah blah blah and every single person leaves the meeting and they're like you didn't tell us that Will is built like a wait what is it truck no brick shit house

he's hot he's hot he's hot he's right in there yeah yeah and everyone's like you didn't tell me that will is so hot oh katelyn's going to take a look yeah go look take a look tell will to come take a little this is we're inappropriate we're inappropriate this is a me too moment don't let him know we're doing it he's not here oh my god oh he left he's gone okay fine yeah um inside you know the sausage factory sorry guys also we're doing it oh my god yeah no i actually think that's

going to happen i cannot wait for our tourbots can't wait to pay the staple center can wait you guys i actually think this is going to happen between us that to sell some scrunchies would be fine 10 scrunchies and you're good to go 10 scrunchies and five bottles of one if we actually sell it out can we get at least make our money back and then donate to charity yeah all the proceeds Proceeds. Yeah. So it's like, the net profit. Net profit.

Because what, because we could sell like Jack's merch and the scrunches. We could do everything that we need to do. We could take our own vendors. We could have glory holes lined up everywhere. So many glory holes. Thank you. Representing the community. Okay.

We can, yeah. I want to have, can we have a drag contest and they, and dress up as each of us? Oh, that's fun. We should have, tap into that market. Yes. Guys, it's going to happen. It's going to be like an, it's going to be an annual event in the Los Angeles. Yeah.

It's called. No. Lady Fest. People are going to sign up and it's going to be a wait list for three years. It's like the new Lilith Fair. It's like Coachella. It's the new Coachella. Yeah, it's going to be cool.

And people love dressing and themes. Oh, what's our theme? It has to be a dress-up. We need a name. Oh, it needs a theme. Because otherwise it's not even an event. Like the theme should just be. glitter. I understood it. Glitter?

That's just too hard to clean up. No, no, no, but not that, but like something that's all-encompassing, like rainbow. Sparkles. Yeah, I like rainbow. Sparkles and sass. Sparkles and sacks. And what? Sex? Sparkles and. No, nothing with sex

in the title. Please. Did you say sacks? Like a sacks? Wine. Rinkles and white. We could have a giant white party. We could have a Botox lady. Lady. who could go get your Botox done first and then come to the podcast.

That doesn't seem safe. That doesn't seem. So you could drink on Botox. Seems like a liability. I like that. Yeah, but like at the Greek. We need a music. We need a musical guest.

Yes. Me. I'll be singing the Broadway cast recording of Chicago. Thank you. Who else? No, we could have a band. We could call our ex-boyfriend. Well, we could call my boyfriend.

Oh, yeah, your boyfriend's in a bed. Someone fun, like a jaw rule vibe. I think that would be a little. Cheese Sandwiches? Let's not a cheese sandwich. This is going to be Firefest. This is what this

fucking crash and this is what they're meeting was like, wasn't it? This is Billy McFarlane in our role. We're like, yes. Are we recording a documentary out of this? Wait, hold on.

I think it should be the theme should be vintage T-shirts. No. By the way, that category groundbreaking flurals first rain. No, but I think it would be so fun that everyone shows it only t-shirts.

T-shirts and boots. The category is Puss and boots. That's so dumb. That was a category in Rupils Drug Race, but it was great. Diva Cup. Because it's like a play. No, I can't. Let's get Diva Cup to sponsor us.

Diva Cup. The Diva Cup should sponsor us. All the things we love. And opioids. Kelsey did, and she had blood. Blatter all over her bathroom Confession from killed Her bathroom

Looks like a crime scene I got the diva cup I've had many diva moments I put it in upside down once How do you play it in upside down? It was aggressive Do you need to There's only one way it can go

That one side vagina can take it anyways Yes ma'am so I had an issue with a diva cup where the suction was so strong you know you know how it works right you put it up and then explain really quick okay so you have it a hole a syndrical hole and what it is is it's like a cup you know when you lick those suction things like you want to put something on your windshield yeah it works the same way it goes up the hole so you lick it first no you don't lick it you fold it up and then you put it through the vagina and then it goes when it gets inside like a shot glass all the it all the blood that's coming from your uterus you're is getting caught in the thing. And then when you have to take it out, you pretend you're pooping. You're like, and it kind of pushes out a little bit. There's a little tab, and you pull it out. Holy shit.

It is as freaky as it sounds. I'm sorry. So you have this blood bag that comes out of it. You have like a blood cup, a cup of blood. But she got put it on upside down. No, no, it wasn't upside down that it caused it. It was that I left it for, like, you wash it. In the dishwasher?

No. Oh, it's like, like it's like a plaster. It's a cup of blood. It's like silicone. It's a dishwasher. And then dishwasher. I'm just thinking of how you would wash. It seems like some sort of...

Yeah. It's a delicate. Okay. So then I was pulling it out and I was having a thing where I have like a little bit of a tilted cervix universe. No, it's a uterus. Uterus, whatever. Did you just say universe? Universe.

I don't think you're... Anyway. And I couldn't get it out. So I'm doing the like trying to get the little tab thing to go down because it's so, it goes. It's up you. Yeah. Like it's as high. has a tampon. It gets up there.

So I'm pulling, pulling, pulling. And then I had such a massacre in the bathroom. Not a manicure. I had such a manicure from my universe. And I have like a big moment where it kind of like splooge all over the wall and then I like

emptied everywhere. Spotted everywhere. And then I was like by that time this had been like a 45 minute ordeal and I was like I wiped the toilet seat. I put it out. I rinsed it and I was like I've got to go. No, I did not wipe the wall, and that was the problem. Because then I noticed the next time I was sitting on the toilet that there was like a blood spattering, like a murder had happened. And then I just left it for a week.

And I was just like, I'll get around to cleaning that up. And then Chris, I was like, I talked about it on the podcast. He's like, yeah, I noticed it was fucking disgusting. And that's marriage. Like Dexter. And that is weird. Literal statter on her whole wall. Her mencies, all of it.

And we painted. I love you. just ask, when you take it out, do you just, you just rip it out. No, no, no, no, you pull it, you pull it, you're like, uh, and then you, like, okay, then it kind of comes out and up. Lo, pretend this is it. Okay, this is, paper cup, paper cup. Okay, this is a vagina, right?

It's all, hold on, put it up high. It's all the way up, right? So you don't feel it. Okay. So then you have to do the poop push. Push, poop, poop. It comes out a little, with a little pulley, you pull in the pulley, and then you, and you pull it it out, and now it's basically.

It's a shot glass of blood. It's like that whole thing is full of, And so you dump it in the toilet, and you flush that down, and then you take what's left, and there's, like, brown, like, like, dried up, like, because the period isn't just blood. It's also, like, there's tissue. You know what? I think we're out of time. Okay.

My last thing about the diva cup. When you take it out and you dump, what if you're in, like, a public restroom? Well, you have to go out and rinse it. You don't. You don't. That's the thing about a diva cup is that you can wear it for, like, 14 hours. So you put it in the morning. morning and you literally don't take it out until the night. Unless you bleed a lot. Unless you

like bleed if you're like a waterfall of blood, then you can't. I'm going to get into our last game here. It's hypotheticals. We've been here for six hours. I know. Why have we been here so long? Just answer these really quickly, okay? It's been like 45. I got to go. You know, like I live here. I'm sorry. Am I boring? I thought we started at five. No, we got here at five. Yeah. We started at like 5.30. Anyways. Last game. I'll get you out of here. I'm sorry about taking up your time. Yeah.

You know what? Feltiest plans with all of her friends after that. She's no friends. I have so many friends. Okay, I'm going around the table. You know what we could call the tour? The friendship tour. No.

Friendship never ends tour 2020. What are you, Debbie Gibson? Friendship never ends tour. The spice girls. Okay, I'm going around the table. Lo, if you could make a rule or a law for one day and everyone had to follow, what would it be? Oh, a rule or a law.

law for one day I think I would do shit I don't know something fashion like no flip flops flip flops with no boot cut jeans for the day

okay oh no boot cut jeans that'd be nice okay Becca if you could eat one thing for life without any consequences what would it be oh it's a good one pizza me too

mine from where French fries little Caesars Little Caesars Little Caesars Pizza pizza Honestly, she's like, She's like, Shecky cheese.

If I'm limited to Los Angeles, it would be village pizza on Larchmont. But I also really love Dominoes. Yeah, Domino's is the fucking jam. Who said Little Caesars? Or Dominoes. It's all the same. Did you know that my ex's girl, my ex-girlfriend got, she was at Chuckie Cheese and the mascot picked her up and ran away and tried to be a child.

Try to abduct her. Yeah. What? Yeah. Do you talk to her? Can she come on my other podcast? Sure, I don't care now, but how old is she? Was she when this happened?

Young. That's fucking crazy. This took to a dark place. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm out. A little heavy. Jack, if you could switch bodies with one male and one female, who would you choose? Oh.

I would choose Lizzo. Elisa would be good. That's good. And well, male Channing Tatum, what are you thinking? No. Larry David. I mean, it would be Larry David just because I... Or, is Larry David married?

No. It would be Larry David. And then Megan Markle, just to see... I don't like anything about the royal family, but just to see the weird f*** up inner workings of what's going on. Okay. That's a good answer, actually. I'm into that.

Current day, Megan Markle, not suits. No. No. Right now. Would anyone... What's going on? No one wants to be suits, Megan. Not even Megan.

It's like her trying to get into Soho House. She hated it so much. Kelty, if you could fly in any celebrities, fly to any celebrity's house for a day, who would you choose? Paula Abdul. Are you alive? You're right. Paul Abdul. Paul Abdul.

Paula. Jason Tarduk has her number. How? They met, and I think she wanted to bang him. Let him do it. Yeah, I would. Yeah, that's a pass. That's a past.

That's a great hall. I asked, I, this is a name drop. You are very similar in a body size, small. Tab dancer. Pocket sized. I'm not, I'm going to name drop here for a second, but we're at dinner the other

night with Mili Cyrus. And I was like, Jason, would you be mad if I made out with her just to see what it's like? And he was like, yeah. I was like, okay. Because she's hot. Because she's hot, she might swoop you. That's true. I have zero interest in Miley Cyrus.

I love Liley. I'm very attracted to her inner. I'm attracted to her. area from the boobs to the vagina. I think she's a beautiful torso. She does have a good torso. So strange. Low.

If you could wear any outfit for the rest of your life, what would you wear? I would do, I love like a good, like a juicy sweatsuit pie. That would be my go-to. Seriously? Like a terrycloth one? Yes. Nice. We're recreating the juicy

jumpsuit for the ladying. Are you? Oh, I love it. Yeah. I just, thank you. I just bought it on Dutch one. I lost my virginity in a Von Dutch sweatshirt. Oh, how? It was white. What? Does that matter to the story? Yeah, because you bleed when you have.

Oh, yes. That's a lie. That's not true. It's true. I had a bloody Von Dutch sweatshirt at the end of my evening. I could prove you wrong. Okay, then. Okay, Becca, if you were to replace your hands with objects, what objects would you choose?

Dildos. Objects? Yeah. She would pick a wall. wallet of money ATMs ATMs OK

Great answer Good answer No one in like Family Feud Good answer Good answer Good answer Okay

Jack if one song played every time you entered a room What song would it be In the backseat Of a taxi When you put My boyfriend

Ones Can't stop singing Bohemian Rhapsody Oh great Wow Yeah Okay Kelty if you

Could ban One type of post From social media Like babies or selfies, what would it be? I just love social media so much. It would probably be people that were like, I think

anyone getting photographed like they're going into a fashion show at Fashion Week. I think any fashion week posts should be in that. Fashion Week posts. I'm into that. Because I've covered Fashion Week for many years and I know exactly how it all happens. Like they get out of the

yellow taxi and then they see the photographer and they're like, I'm here and he's like just walk across like you're arriving and she's like ah should that be our cause at the staples yeah to ban fashion week post fashion week

we should make everybody wear the worst clothes you have like sweatpants no makeup hair and a bun I don't like that oh I'm a freaking stylist I don't want that come on well you can style my PJs I'm down okay what if it's like a pajama party pajama party would be fun

pajama party begin that's cute one big pajama party will want your scrunchy Perfect. Yes. I'll do a whole pajama line. Great. Last thing, I give away an Instagrammy now where I'd say, what, oh, did I copy you? No, I just like that term.

Oh. I was like, oh, God, did I hear this somewhere and I stole it? So I give away Instagrammy's to accounts that I think definitely need to be followed. Yeah, it's me. And it's Kelty. It's not. No, don't do this to her. It's not Kelsey.

Well, I'm doing Badi Winkle. Oh, we love Betty Winkle. Oh, I do? Who's that? She's like a grandma that's like fashion and me style. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's cool. Yeah, I just feel like, oh, I can't really do it justice by describing it.

Everybody just needs to go follow her and we're giving her the Instagrammy this week. Do people get a lot of followers when you do this? It's only my third week, so I haven't really paid attention. Why don't you give an Instagram me to Kelty and then I'll tell you. Who were your last two? The last, well, my first one was Lizzo. She doesn't need my following advice. My other one was, oh, fashion dads.

Oh, I don't know what that is, but I want it. What? I'm looking right now. Is it Fashion Dad's underscores? Yes. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, wow.

180,000. Oh, yeah, yeah. They were like 170 before. I'm just kidding. This is a follows. This is interesting. Wait, this one has 62. Is it dads that are actually?

Oh, Dad's on Flake? Oh, cute. No, Fashion Dads underscore. Whoa. This is cute. Except for now they're trying to sell merch. Oh, my God. His shirt says,

World's Best Best farder, I mean father. Dad's love fart jokes. Actually, that sounds like a shirt that you would like, Becca. Oh my gosh. Can you get me that? Yeah, I will. Actually, it's such a good idea.

That's my Instagram. Thank you guys for coming. Thanks for having us. I know you're going to say that. Well, obviously, we're not dicks. You're welcome. Kelsey didn't say it. Did you notice that?

Kelty is checked out. Silence. See what she does. No, Kelty only. cares if you're talking about her. So like when we're talking about another thing, she is tuned out. We'll talk about your liver again if you'll pipe up. Yeah, she was super talking about when we're talking about her body in the beginning. To be honest, to be honest, I hit my people limit 10 minutes ago. Oh. I hit it when I said, how long is this fucking podcast? And that was code for. No, it wasn't

let me leave. I can only do so much socializing a day. In the last 10 minutes, you pimped out your Instagram. I know, I piped up for the important things. I appreciate that. Honestly. I'm empty. I appreciate that. I got nothing left to say it. So who's the dick? Well, good thing we got all the content we need. But I love your scrunchies and I'm so proud of you. Go Canada and you too low. Thank you.

And nobody go follow Kelty. I'm Caitlin Bristol. I'll see you next Tuesday. Jesus. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the podcast one app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's that? this week's off the vine is sponsored by feels go to fields.com slash vine and you'll get 50% off your first order plus free shipping nancy drew wednesdays on the cw and obey use code off the vine for your first month free