Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - LadyGang
Episode Date: May 26, 2020Guests for this week are the strong beautiful women of the podcast, LadyGang! Kaitlyn asks them all about their new book coming out and they explain some of the crazy stories they have about ...men, relationships and being a woman. Later, they discuss daddy issues, body odor and give their dirty confessions! GEICO – Go to geico.com , and in fifteen minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance BREYERS – To f ind out more about Breyers CarbSmart click here: https://www.breyers.com/us/en/products/carbsmart.html MERCARI – Chec k out Mercari on the app stores or on Mercari.com . AHA – For more information about how you can drive science ahead, visit https://bit.ly/2SDXEc6 CALDREA – Get free shipping on orders of $50 or more when you buy online at Caldrea.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Who's that with OTV?
Who's that with OTV?
Who's that with OTV?
Podcast One presents off The Vine with Caitlin Bristow.
Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves.
Get ready for lots of laughs, tabby topics, on filtered advice, and wine.
Lots of wine.
Get ready to shake things up.
Here's Caitlin.
All right, today I had the chance to sit down with three relatable and hilarious podcast hosts,
who you all know and love.
They talk about everything from friendship to romance to bodily functions, periods on their very popular podcast.
And they did it a lot on this podcast, too.
You never know what you're going to get, but they're not only podcasters.
They are also authors now, too.
Their new book, Act Like a Lady
offers a relatable, empowering, and hilarious take
on being unapologetically yourself.
So trust me, you're going to want to read that one.
I hope you enjoy this podcast with some of my favorite people,
Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin and Jack Vanek,
aka the Lady Gang.
We can just talk about how embarrassing it is,
how much effort Kelty and I put into TikTok.
And I think it's because we're dancers.
But no, Becca, you're a dancer too.
Yeah.
I just don't have.
I don't have that gene, whatever that is.
The TikTok gene.
The TikTok gene?
Call it TikTok jeans.
Call it exhibitionism.
I only dance for money, not attention.
You know what I mean?
So I think all I need to keep me going is money.
Okay.
There's no money to be made for a 34-year-old on TikTok.
You know what I'm saying?
So you, okay, so I'm 34 on TikTok.
Give me a little like pep talk here.
Like, give me a life lesson on why I should not be on there.
Listen, if you enjoy it, if it fuels you, then you should continue.
You know what I mean?
But you shouldn't break your back thinking, like, this is the next big venture for me
because it's just not going to be.
So you have to do it for passion only.
I do it for passion only.
I love it.
It's my passion.
I also think that what we talked about before we started recording is the less that
you care, the better you do on TikTok.
Like, Caitlin's so pissed that she hasn't been verified yet, but then Jason got verified without even really trying.
And that happened with the leading, too.
I first got verified, not really caring.
And Kelty had an aneurysm.
Yep.
She's like, yep, I did.
And then I was like, Jack, can you get us verified?
And she was like, I can only ask for one favor a day.
So the next day, she asked for Becca.
I don't even, I can't even get into my own TikTok.
I don't know the login.
and I haven't tried.
Well, you know what?
I do love dancing on there, and so I will continue to do it.
But I totally understand how you believe it's not a place for grown women, because all I see is young, young, like my niece, who's 12 is on there doing it.
And I'm like, dang.
Yeah.
One of the girls that ladies that I work with was like, oh, my God, my daughter is obsessed with your TikTok.
She's always talking about how good you are.
And it's like, and I was like, oh, my God, the teens love me.
And then I found out she was six.
well i mean you are entertaining oh my god yes sidney i'll check out your tic-tok and i was like
oh you're like oh go buy a copy of our book yeah wait what is she going to read if she picks that up
let's talk about how you guys okay have you been first of all doing your podcast from home like
virtually like this yep yep okay and so so everyone obviously when is your book coming out
we have to talk about this because you're not only podcasters and like little tv stars and
hustlers, you're now authors. So tell me about this book. Keltie. We're so excited. Act Like a Lady
comes out June 2nd. And it is a collection of sort of opinions and rules to take lightly about
ladyhood and then all of these personal essays of ours that range from like really stupid and
super funny to super vulnerable and heartfelt. And I love to read.
And so I'm so excited that our book is coming out.
And Chris, my husband, has been reading it.
Passy?
Yeah, he's on page 114.
It's the entire quarantine.
Dude, it's my favorite series of Kelty trying to get Chris to read the book.
And he will not do it.
He always ends up throwing it in a corner.
Because of the stories?
No, he's not a reader.
He's not my demo.
And he was like, literally.
there's this really, I think, beautiful essay I wrote about my first marriage, and he's just at
that part right now. And I watched him last night, like, pick it up, start to read it and then slowly
put it down and, like, pick up his phone, like, kind of been holding both. And then he put his little,
like, note card in to, you know, like, hold his spot for tomorrow, like halfway through my essay.
It's not that long. You couldn't finish that out. That one is pretty long. My super heartfelt
felt story about love like you dick you did you say the name of the book oh yes it's called act
like a lady and there's a whole bunch other stuff we can ever remember in the subtitle oh um okay
everyone else what was the writing experience like like because you guys didn't have a ghost writer right
we were not allowed what no we were they well no well we started writing the book and we're like
we're not that great should we get a ghost writer and then the publisher was
like these your essays and stuff are actually surprisingly funny so which is good because we have
our own voices it would be so so obvious if we had a ghostwriter yeah that's what i was thinking because
you guys are all so different in your own ways and i feel like reading the book you would know
like even listening to a podcast people can't see but i feel like everyone knows who's talking because
you guys are all so different and so i feel like that's good in the book that you did it yourself but
that's a lot of work it was a lot
Becca is still hating every like she's so angry to even tell you that she wrote it.
I'm still so mad that we did it. Like hashtag regret of my life. Really? Even though it's all done and going to be awesome now. I've never done, Caitlin. It's never done. Even more so now. Because like we had to write it, which I didn't even, I barely got through school. Like I get, I don't want homework. Like I said, I only do things for money. And there's no money.
money and writing books hashtag truth um and this just was a lot of work for like very little and so i just
felt like i have no desire to do this at all i don't want to like be honest and vulnerable because
that's my least favorite thing to do on the planet um and i can't phone it in because then people
will hate me so i knew that i had to do this thing and i got out voted which really sucks when you're
in a group of three, two against one. I lost. And so I begrudgingly wrote these essays. And I, the book comes
out June 2nd and I will be, I will disappear. I won't go. People won't be able to find me.
What about like book tours? I mean, given, well, it got canceled. Thanks for obviously not happening.
But I mean, you can do virtual book tours. That's, we're trying to figure it out.
We're trying to figure it out. But we really were, we had like this plan to get like,
a tour bus and like do the whole states we're so excited and um so now we can't do that but i actually
think that it's going to be fun because people are reading like the two things people are doing
at home working out at home and like reading so it's a good time for people to be able to digest a book
um but bebecca even though she did it begrudgingly like wrote some of my favorite things
in the in the book like it's it's actually really nice what if you guys found out that i had a ghost
writer. That would be so tight. It would be amazing. If you're like, at the end of this all,
you're like, I didn't do any work. Like the day it comes out, you're like, I didn't write a single
bit of this. Zach wrote it all. Surprise. Surprise. Katelyn wrote it all. All right, thanks to
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You guys should each go down and tell me your favorite part about the book.
Favorite part that you wrote?
Oh, that's such a good question.
I'll go first.
Becca's like, now I'm busted because I don't know.
So it's actually the first essay of our book was one of mine.
The first section of our book is about love.
and I wrote an essay about the most Hollywood guy that I had ever dated in my entire life.
But before that essay starts, I kind of go through the list of every single douchebag that I have dated over, you know, the span of my singledom in my 20s.
And I gave them all these really cute nicknames that like go along with different letters of the alphabet because we came up with this idea of doing a haunted house with all of these douchebag guys that you've dated.
filling the haunted house up. So there are different guys in there that I've dated like this guy
mattress Mike that left his mattress on the ground with no bed frame. And then a guy named Hatfish Harry
that only was hot with his hat on. And what was Alon Gail's nickname? Oh, oh, damn it. Why didn't
put him in there? You didn't? Dude, that would have been so good. Oh, God damn it, Alon. Ego-maniac Alon.
Echomaniac Alon.
I need to get him, get him back in there.
I mean, that's probably one of the, well, I love Alon, though.
So it's, there are things that you can make fun of him for.
However, these were like all these guys that I would throw up if I saw them in real life.
So maybe it's a good thing you didn't make it in there.
That's funny.
I like the nickname idea.
Okay, Kelty, what's your favorite part?
All the parts are my favorite parts.
Oh, my God.
So passionate about the book.
I think that whole book is start to finish amazing.
My favorite part, I think, is one of the last, oh, I know my favorite part.
My favorite part is this essay that I wrote about, do you remember Jeff Gattie?
From Sher Park, the tap dancer?
Yes.
I was like, wait, how do I know that name?
Anyway, we've been, like, very good friends since we were five years old, and we've had this shared journal for 20,
years and I wrote about like having a best guy friend and then about you know sort of having this
journal that we've tossed back for 20 years and I actually took out the journals and like
relooked at the things that mattered to me every single year and like took them down to like
one sentence each and what I learned from doing it was just that like life is like at its purpose
like pretty meaningless and like it's just nice to have friends that like have known you forever
that have known you through you thinking this one thing was so important and I just thought it was
a really nice essay on friendship, and I think it's one of my favorite things. That sounds boring
when I explain it. Keltie and I also wrote, we, I'm sure, you know, dated the same mutual ex-boyfriend
back in the day that was a musician. So we had essays about our relationship with him and then
our relationship with each other because we're pinned against each other and how we
hated each other on the internet back in the day. Well, I never fucking hated you. Like, I just
want to be that clear. Like, that's so rude.
It's called sloppy seconds and sloppier seconds.
Oh, dark.
But then we recently found out that he went from Kelty to Jack and back to Kelty or the other way around.
Other way around.
Me to Kelty.
And then I always pride myself on the fact that I have never gone back to an ex-boyfriend in my life because I have like a, it's like a switch that turns on in my brain and I find them disgusting immediately after we break up.
Same.
And then I, you know, went back and I thought about this whole thing that I had blacked out of my memory that I ended up hooking up with him again.
So it was like a whole process of having to accept that.
And I did literally, we have never talked about it.
It never came out.
And then she like turned in the chapter of the book to the publisher.
And I was like reading through it because I was like, oh, let me read Jack's essay.
And I read it.
And that's how I found out, Caitlin.
My business partner.
I also thought I thought I thought that I had hooked up with him when they were together.
So I thought that he gets worse.
Healthy with me.
So I had to figure it out.
how do you do that how do you flip a switch and not go back how do you find them disgusting like
you just it just happens in your brain and that's it yeah it just happens you just find you know
because men are pretty trash and you love goggles on when you're dating them and then i think once
i mean for me at least maybe this is just a talent of mine once i break up it's like the veil is
lifted and then you see them for the piece of shit that they are oh that's amazing that's a great skill
yeah i'm in the same way i think it's because men like she said are just
garbage in general. So it takes so much to love them anyway. Yeah. You're tricking yourself into
loving them. That's so true. Because they trick you at first, though. Yeah. And do you think,
and then you're like, oh, I fell for it. And then it's a trance. And then you break the trance. It's over.
Exactly. Or you're me where it's like you love someone forever. Like you could have gone on one
date with them. Like there's a guy that I went on three dates with total in New York City.
And I saw him like a year ago. And I was like, oh my God, so many feelings.
and he like did not remember her like no he was like do i know you from do i remember you like i have
your last name written in my notebook there's so many times like i remember one guy took me to like futza bruta
that like off-broadway show like i went on a blind date with my friend jessica's friend and like
i've still wondered like what happened that guy i don't remember his name i remember he hit a big nose
but that's it like i still care i'm like is he checking my gram is he does he want to know what's up with me
I do the opposite thing where I thought of a random guy that I had dated back in the day and I'm like, I kind of, I don't really remember his name. And then I finally figured it out. And I went to look at her text messages. And our last text messages were like paragraphs and paragraphs of the most like deep vulnerable shit in the world. And I'm like, I don't even remember what this guy looks like. But I like have had all these like I thought I was in love with him at a point. And then the flip switches. And then you're done. I want that switch. I mean, I have. I have. I.
I kind of have it now, but I did it in in Canada.
Yeah, it wasn't in the water there.
I used to be like Kelty and then I don't know now, I just feel like it's different now,
but before I was always the same way.
Like it took me like six years to get over this one guy who was like over me in like a month.
Like going on six years for me.
That was embarrassing.
Do you get a lot of people now reaching out to you from like the Vancouver waitressing like back days being like,
Kailin, yo, remember me was to work together at wherever he worked?
Yes, of course. And my favorite is when somebody comes up to me like at an airport or something and they go, hey, oh my gosh, you're like really good friends with so-and-so. You worked with them at this restaurant. I'm like, I've never even heard of them. Like I don't. And they're like, oh, no, she said you're like their best friends. I'm like, what? I worked with them for like two minutes at a restaurant. Everybody wants their 15 minutes, you know. Well, this morning I got a text from my best friend. And she was like, hey, so-and-so died yesterday.
day. And I'm like, who? She's like, we went to middle school with her. I'm like, I don't remember
the person that I dated for a year and a half's like last name. I don't remember. Unfortunately,
and then I feel like such a dick in those moments. But like, she has that brain that remembers
everyone and everything. And she like, for some weird reason, it's so morbid, but she's texted
me like three times that someone we know from our past has died and I did not know who they were.
That is my sister.
Same thing.
And I'm like, am I a monster for not knowing who somebody is?
My sister remembers everybody and I don't remember anyone.
And then I was like, I should start journaling because then you'd have memories and you
could look back and be like, oh, because I'm doing this new digital series and they're
trying to like dig up stuff from like and asking questions and oh, could you pull out a
picture from this?
And they're good.
They'll go to like, they'll go to like 2005 photographer from.
CFL cheerleading days and like dig up photos of me when I'm like, I didn't even remember this
time existed in my life and they're showing me photos. And I'm like, what's it going to be like in 10
years? Am I not going to remember like this time of quarantine or lacking out through life? Why do
I black out through my whole life? It's too hard to remember. No, and that's why people get after me
for being so, you know, monument focused. Like, oh, I'm going to get to this thing. But truly at the
of your life, you're not going to remember the stupid stuff. You're going to remember the big
wins. You know, you get won every decade. So, you know, you can't want to have a trophy to show,
you know. Okay, Kelsey. That is something Heather Dubrow talks about a lot is like celebrating
small things, like no matter what. And it is the only thing that I could possibly get on board
with because then it, I get it. It's like otherwise life can be very mundane. If you don't just like
crack open the champagne for like yay i mean i can't think of like i got a book well the writing a book
but here's we barely even did it for that and i didn't well not yet has well we got our face is
injected that was our yeah hooray that was true and i went to dr diamond i will remember that
but we do talk about this because we're always like go go go go go go with shit and what are you surprised
Caitlin is like, no, I want more details. I'm like, wait, what? You celebrated with injecting
your face? Tell me more. We went to Dr. Diamond, the three of us, like, a gang bang. And we just
we hung his office for like six hours. We were there for six hours. We were there for six hours.
What did it? Who's Dr. Diamond? Oh, my God. The only person that should ever touch anyone's face.
The sexiest, sexiest doctor. He's the one that did my necklift. What? Dr. Jason Diamond. Okay, yes.
Okay, and he's in, who does he do like the Kardashians or something?
He does everyone and he can't talk about it.
Like the Kardashians are like the lowest fame of his like, yeah.
Like house calls only kind of doc.
Like he gets flown to like overseas to China twice a year to like meet with like the richest
people in Shanghai to do their injectables.
Wow.
Well, not anymore.
He's not traveling.
I want Dr. Diamond.
Yeah.
But we went all together and we all hung out.
we did freezing together and then we went one at a time and then we ice bag together and that was
actually the day our book went on like pre-sale so we watched it go up the amazon list together in
the doctor's office and we're like we're getting Botox everywhere and he was like oh my god I'm so
excited for you okay turn to the side injecting my cheap phones is amazing that's so fun that's a
that's the way I'd want to celebrate quick question is your home anything like mine cluttered
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Becca, don't think you're getting out of telling me your favorite part about the book.
Oh.
The acknowledgements.
I'm just kidding.
I probably had like the easiest.
I'm going to say the best part is the easiest part because I'm lazy.
And I really had an easy time talking about my first major breakup when I was in fifth grade.
Fifth grade.
Fifth grade.
That was your first major one?
Well, I actually have been for five years on the podcast.
I've bragged and bragged and been so annoying and so boastful that I had never been dumped.
And then as we were writing this book, I was like, oh my gosh, something occurred to me.
I did get dumped.
I got dumped in the fifth mother fucking grade.
Oh, you one, poor bitch.
You've never had a heartbreak except for fifth grade, like been dumped?
To be honest, no.
There was one borderline where we had like an explosive fight and I was like on the floor in the fetal position.
But then I like dusted myself off and two days later I started dating a major league baseball player.
and then he the other loser came back for me so like I won you know what I mean like there was
never a moment where I was like not winning Becca also learned something that has that usually
takes every other woman a lifetime to learn and that's date a man that treats you like a
queen yeah and that's just something that I feel like Kelsey and I for a good 10 to 15 years
until we actually found somebody that treated us right but I was also
like smothered by my father so like I did not I mean male attention something went wrong I don't know
what to say but I had like opposite of daddy issues where a man would think I was attractive and I'm like
okay I get it I know I've been hearing this my whole life I know I'm the prettiest girl in the
world I'm like shut up avert your eyes loser it's so true that's so funny I feel like I had that too
Like I feel like I had the opposite of daddy issues, but I still acted like I had daddy issues.
Like that's why I am, Caitlin.
That's you?
I'm like, like somehow acting like I had abandonment issues when my dad is literally obsessed with me.
He's an angel.
Not a weird way.
He's like an angel.
Yeah.
Mike Bristow is a goddamn angel who showed me nothing but support and love and understanding
and listen to me and like supported me.
And I went through my 20s acting like the exact same.
Like I had abandonment ship.
Did I just say that wrong?
abandoned yeah i mean don't get me wrong i had a ton of promiscuous sex like a girl who had daddy issues right but
you deep in your soul you knew your worth yeah yeah that's really inspiring it is oh thank you guys
it's so funny that it's taken all this time like that was the first time you've explained it and made
perfect sense what do you mean no what becka just said about her dad like i get it yes i know i am the
beauty like yeah like i thought up until i moved to los angeles which was at 26 way too late in life
to just keep believing this but like i thought i believed that i was like a victoria secret model
like i would walk down the beach and i'd be like i'm 5 3 and like squatty as f*** and i would walk
down the beach and i'd be like oh my god like look at this bod like i'm just so hot wait i was
kind of like that in my young 20s too and this really humbled me i'm going to show you guys a
picture over Zoom and I'll have to put it on my Instagram because I literally was so confident
and I would put on my little cheerleading outfit and I had on these little feline
cheerleading booty shorts that are like cut way too low and digging in and I I remember the
lady who ran the cheerleading squad she was like everybody needs to eat boiled chicken and
mustard two weeks before this photo shoot for bikini shots that's what she told us and I was like
that my body is so fine I don't need to do anything and now I look at this photo you're gonna die
you're gonna die and you're gonna be like okay that's very unfortunate I mean here's the thing
you're still the tiniest human on the planet with like an oversized belly like my whole body
it doesn't make any sense like i'm so tiny and then there's that no that's because a low cut short
or pant doesn't look good on a skeleton i love seeing photos of when i remember that day feeling hot as
oh kately i have that face i have something better you're so cute no that's not cute it looks like
you've like a little doll face oh my and a mullet well the mullet's good but like i love seeing those
pictures when I remembered feeling so hot and then I look back and I'm like moody Caitlin
I was a mood and then I'm holding up a little like what looks like a Chinese fortune that says
Caitlin B on it like I'm still on the bachelor it was the tale of things so weird oh my god it was
foreshadowing I too was like I was so confident and then something changed around like 23 24 25
where I got super insecure and then into my 30s was like
Okay, I'm back.
Yeah, it's true.
I mean, Hollywood was the thing that really
really fucked me up.
No shit.
Like, I can't, wait, where did you?
So you moved there when you were 26.
Where were you before that again?
New York, where everyone's ugly.
What?
Everyone is so beautiful in New York.
Well, in theater, most people are not that attractive because you're on stage.
You're miles away from the audience.
You can be unattractive and be successful in theater.
You don't have to get Botox.
It's true.
The difference between like a California model and New York model, New York model is like weird face
and California models like beautiful face.
Yeah.
Well, and like social media has really fucking up.
I really blame that a lot for my low self-esteem.
My newfound low self-esteem is just so, so encouraging.
What a time.
I'm the exact opposite because I had Sheila and she was like in like 10th grade,
like, do you think you should get a boob job?
And I was like, I'm poor.
No.
We should be talking about this.
And then, like, I remember when I went on my cruise ship and I gained weight and, like, was in trouble with the company because I was, like, too heavy for the costumes or whatever they were saying. And my mom was like, well, so what are you going to do about it? And then was, like, telling me to starve myself. And I was like, Sheila. Sheila.
Dance moms just don't, like, they don't know what they're saying sometimes because it comes from a place of like, but you're a performer instead of like, you're a child.
Last year, right when we were doing the TV show, I died my head.
hair like a little darker. It was like dark roots with blonde. And she was like, I don't know.
Sometimes you just need blonde. And I was like, savage. And it was like last year. Yeah.
You look. Sheila is a savage. It'll never change. So my crushing low self-esteem is just always been
present. Thanks for bringing it up. Mine comes and goes. Grab a coffee and discover nonstop action
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Ontario. It's in waves, so it's fun. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow.
You know what?
I'm not a high school girl, so shut up.
Run for the hills.
Who says going out and partying in a club you can't find love?
It's the Spidey podcast with Spencer and Heidi Pratt.
Hello, I'm not dead.
If you want your husband going out every night, good for freaking you.
Hey, that was a joke if you're an idiot.
Spencer, you spoiled brat.
Your life is amazing.
Get new episodes every Monday on Spotify, Podcast One, and Apple Podcasts.
worry mom i got you now back to off the vine with katlyn bristow okay let's do let's move into
confessions because i just thought of one right now and i want to say it while it's on my mind
because i never have confessions every week and this one's like i'm i feel disgusting today from it
so um do you guys have confessions for me today i have one fully prepared i have one fully
paired. Yes. Okay. I'll go first because you're, you're, I know you guys are going to bring it and mine's
going to be shit anyways, but this happened today where do you guys use natural deodorant? Yes.
Oh, yeah. And it works? No. I had to try a bunch of different brands, but yes. Okay, me too. And I thought
I found one, but apparently I did not. Um, because Jason had to like sit me down and say like,
he seriously was like look i i think like it's great that you're trying the natural
deodorant thing and uh but like you either have to shower every day yes or pick a
deodorant that works because you're like questionable hygiene not showering isn't mixing
well with a natural deodorant and you actually smell every day so
I would like to just piggyback on that, that I have been trying to, you know, jump on the
national deodorant train.
And this is not my confession, but this did happen to me yesterday as well, where I go to hug
my boyfriend and he's like, you smell like onions.
Was it your armpits?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
You know, like, right before your period, when your crotch crease smells like onion?
Maybe my...
What?
wait is this a thing mind yeah like if i i can sweat and not smell if i'm not if i'm far enough
away from my period i i smell fine like i don't really have like any kind of pungent whatever
your peach is going crazy but yeah two to three days before my period you know your crass
and your crotch where you can get a little sweaty that can that can get tangy this is what
i'm wondering because my natural deodorant has been working and i'm wondering if it's that pre-period
vibe. That just makes everything smell like shit. Yeah. Did you say that part smells tangy?
Yeah, tangy, you know? It is like an onion, like an onion sarache aole. It's disgusting. I'm
going to throw up. I am dying. Now I'm going to like a week before my period because I use a
period app, I'm going to like throw it in my notes like take a whiff of your tangy crease.
You have to be sweaty and then you have to like see what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole set.
And then I'll call you guys to be like, I get it now.
Yeah.
You will.
Okay.
Well, okay, maybe it's not my deodorant then.
Maybe it's just, no, it's every day.
Natural deodorant, you do have to shower every day.
It doesn't withstand the test of time.
It barely withstands the eight hours that you put it on for.
I can't get down with showering every day, though.
Well, you got to pick one.
You got to pick.
Oh, come on.
You guys shower every single day?
I have to.
Oh.
Every morning.
apparently I have to too but I just don't I don't wash my hair every day no me either no don't be ridiculous
it don't be insane I would never wash my hair every day but I don't I also don't wash my body every day and
I'm starting to realize that I'm in a relationship now and I have to do that yeah close quarters I like the
evening shower where you can like kind of feel like you can scrub off some of the shame of the day
it's like an emotional thing for me like if I ate cookies or like yeah I worked out but like oh I yelled at
someone or like I was kind of a douchebag or like I didn't clean up my shit and it's everywhere
like I'm just a disgusting human being and then you're like I'm going to shower and you can
kind of like re-born get reborn it's like a baptism every night yeah put a little
moisturizer on you behavior person oh this tangy this beautiful orange vanilla scent is really
making me feel like I'm a good person is is anyone wearing pants right now no I had to do a
workout so I have a bike for short on I'm not wearing pants good for you it's glorious I do
all. This is probably why your crease
doesn't stink. It's getting lots of air. Or does it?
I don't know. I'm going to check right now.
No,
because I just showered. It smells great.
You got shamed
into showering. I love it. I did.
He shower shamed me and I felt
like I got off the spin bike. Did I want
to shower? No. I wanted to just like,
I had a fresh eyeliner on. I wanted
to just put a beanie on and hop on the old
Zoom and I got
shower shamed.
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and Verily's Project Baseline Initiative to form the largest, most engaged research community
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So for more information about how you can drive science ahead,
visit project baseline.com slash go red. Now tell me your confessions because I know they're going to be good.
I've got. I've got one. Okay, Becca. So in quarantine, I've been complaining every single day
to like my best friend and my husband that I'm like, I'm working out so much, but I'm like gaining
weight. I'm just like, it's just not working. I think my body's broken. And they're like,
really, that's crazy. And then I went to the grocery store and I was filling out my cart.
And I walked over to the section that has these delicious pizzas that I love.
And as I'm walking to my cart with the pizza, this old foreign man looks at me.
And he's like, no, no, no, no pizza.
Just fish and vegetables.
Fish and vegetables, you will stay skinny.
Oh, no, he didn't.
And I was like, oh, my God, this is the reality check I needed.
It's true.
This is why I'm just a, I'm just a fucking idiot.
and I can't understand that eating pizza is the reason that I am still, you know, I mean, I'm not complaining.
I'm not like, you know, killing myself over it.
But I was just kind of like, I'm walking miles and miles.
I'm running.
I'm doing all this shit.
And it's like this foreign man was sent to me from the universe to tell me that I'm an idiot and I need to eat fish and vegetables.
And I was so embarrassed.
He's like your little angel.
He actually doesn't even exist.
That's what I was the fragment of your imagination.
That's what I was thinking.
I was like, oh my God, what if he just.
literally came in front of me like it's the weirdest thing no one's even talking to each other at
grocery stores right now it's so weird you know yeah but this man felt the the need to tell you fish
and vegetables only but beck i want to jump in and say when i was watching and do the workout i was
like beck's body is so fire right now oh my god thank you it's because i listened to fish and
vegetables two days ago yeah and immediately it's just like amazing bod that's how it works that's me
I'm drinking every single night and eating crap and we're, but I'm like, but I did 20 minutes on
the Peloton today and think that that's going to do anything. Yeah. Okay. That's a good one.
I'll go. Okay. So my confession is I am pretty notorious about taking laxatives at the worst time
possible. It has happened so many times in the past couple of years. So the other day,
I, my schedule is all off. It's, it's, it's, I haven't gone.
number dose in forever, right? So I take a laxative at 9 a.m. These laxatives usually work within
like 30 minutes to an hour. One time I almost shit my pants in a car ride with my
boyfriend's band after taking these because they literally are like, you take it and then it's a
waterfall like 30 minutes later. So I took it and then nothing really happened. And then at 2 p.m.
that day, we had a phone call with our publisher about our virtual tour that we're going to do for
our book now. And it was at that time that the laxative just decided to do its magic. So as we're
like all getting on the call being like, Jack's here, Becca's here, Kelty's here. I had to mute myself
for the entire call. I don't know if anybody noticed. And then when Kelsey would be like,
because Kelsey usually like leads these calls because conference calls are a fucking nightmare,
anytime she'd be like, Becca, Jack, what do you think? I'm like, Becca, please, please, please,
say something literally on the toilet the entire entire time it's like my body just knows when it's
like you know this is when it's going to happen thank god it wasn't a zoom call thank god because we
would never allow zoom we have had a few zooms that i didn't know were zooms until the very
last minute too like those have happened with our publishers thank god yeah yeah it was bad
that's good one well i'm sorry about that um okay thank you for sure
I have a confession, and it is real nasty.
I am in love with a fictional character in a real, fucking way.
I never understood it.
When my friend Christine was like, Twilight, Edward, oh, my God.
I was like, what the fuck you're talking about?
There's a show streaming on Hulu right now called Normal People.
Is anyone watching it?
No.
Nope.
Okay.
It's based on this book.
And the guy is named Connell.
His real name in life is Paul.
but I don't even care about Paul the actor.
I am in love with Connell and I had my entire sleep of sex dreams about him last night.
One after another, after another.
And Chris is downstairs.
He's probably listening.
And he's not going to let me watch the show anymore.
I'm in love with this teenage.
He's not a teenager.
He's like 24.
And when you watch this show, it's like he has this silver chain around his neck during the show.
And there's an Instagram just called Connell's chain.
I'm already turned off.
You turned off?
Yeah, a silver chain.
No, everything's wrong about it.
Why do I love this man?
Why is this named Connell?
That's the character of the book, okay?
It's Marianne and Connell.
It's a love story.
There's so much sex in this show.
They're like teenagers and like, anyway.
Are they actually teenagers?
Because you're really throwing me off here with silver chains and teenagers and sex
dreams.
They meet their senior of high school and then they go away to college together.
okay but they're in college yes so basically you guys speaking of college and in children i realized i'm
kj appa's neighbor oh and he hollered at me well his friend did from his rooftop when i was
on a walk yesterday like hollered like still got it baby hey ladies yeah oh wait who is this i don't know
who that is he's on a riverdale the redheaded guy oh is
His roots are cray right now because of quarantine.
But he doesn't really have red hair, right?
Doesn't he die it?
No, and that's why his roots are insane right now.
It was like brown with red hair.
Weird.
He was in that movie when we interviewed Shania Twain.
I know.
He was there that day.
He was our next next to you.
You interviewed Shania Twain?
Yeah.
She came on the podcast.
What?
She's the only notable person we've ever had.
Yep.
Oh, that's huge.
I am, she's like.
queen she's a Canadian royalty she is best wow was she was she a good interview yeah
amazing like was really there and she'd like really crazy like textured hair and I was like
so shenaya of her and I was like I really wanted to go in on the crop tops and then she was like
people wore crop tops before me I was like no they didn't yeah she said that she was like the
crop top originator yeah maybe that's where I got my inspo I always rocked
a crop top even though i shouldn't right now um okay we're gonna play a game before we go and uh you guys
do you want to play plead the fifth or do you want to play most likely between all of you guys
most likely most likely yeah okay um okay so who which member of the lady gang is most likely
to secretly have a double life kelty because she's serial killer vibes
yeah it's me like i murdered someone but didn't tell
anyone.
But what would Kelsey's secret life be?
A murder?
That's the thing.
That's the thing is like people with secret lives are always, you just never know.
Yeah.
You never know.
You don't know.
You are mysterious in that way.
I'm going to vote me.
Cool.
Okay.
Great.
Then we all agree on that one.
Um, be late for a recording.
Jack.
Me.
I live on the west side.
Jack.
Every time.
Literally lived on the west side the entire time we've done the podcast.
It's like, first of all, she grew up.
in L.A. in California, Southern California. I'm like, you don't know any life that's not traffic. So it's like so
shocking that every time we have somewhere to be, she's like, sorry, traffic was crazy. I'm like,
hello, you're 32 years old. You know what? When it takes you an hour and 15 minutes to get there,
you kind of, it's so long that you're like, I do have time to stop for Starbucks, even though it still says
it's taking an hour and 15. I always show up with a Starbucks in hand. Yeah, I was going to say you're the
girl that says she's running late but then shows up with Starbucks. I feel like I deserve that. I don't mind
the lateness. When she's like, I'm going to be 10 minutes late, fine. But she's like, it's crazy.
Traffic is so bad. I'm like, that I have to have an excuse that's not me. No. But I always do tell
you guys when I'm going to be late. But even if you hit traffic, the excuse, it's still that it was you.
Yeah. But like, I'm still going to say it's traffic. Okay. We're not going to have this fight on
your podcast. Can we save it for closed doors? Oh, gosh. Okay.
Great working in a trio.
Most likely to accidentally post a nude on social media.
Well,
Becca, because she did.
I didn't post it on social media.
My shit got hacked.
I feel like here's the thing.
I feel like Kelsey would maybe purposely post it thinking that she would get some
press because of it and then pretend it was on accident.
Yes.
You should totally pretend to be hacked and send out a nude.
I know, but it didn't like work for Becca.
It didn't even do anything for my career.
And I was young.
I was like, when the photos were.
taken. I was like 23.
I could have been gorgeous.
Couldn't have been hotter.
You were Victoria's secret model, Becca, back then.
I was Giselle 2.0.
Yeah, yeah. It did not help my career.
Wait, this is so funny, because my next question was who's most likely to turn out to be a serial
killer, but we already know the answer to that one.
Kelty.
Well, Calty has the emotional well-being to be a serial.
Yes, the sociopathic, like, empathy lacking.
No empathy.
But Jack would know how to do.
do it. Yeah, she could get away with it. I could. I would do it and then I would be in jail because
you would do it and I would find her. Yeah. Yeah. And then like burn my fingers off and change the car and
get a wig and run away. And then make a podcast about it. That's true. Are you still doing that
podcast? I sure am. Oh, that's awesome. Um, okay. Who's most likely to spread a rumor?
Kelty. What? So rude. Because she kind of does for a job.
I don't spread rumors. I spread two source-confirmed comments about celebrities, okay? It's not
like I work at OK Magazine. How sad are you about the Hollywood breakup that just happened?
Kara. What's her face? Oh. What's her face?
Karen Kavanaugh? No, Ashley Benson and Kara Delavine. Yeah. Oh, what's her name?
Kara Delavine?
Yeah, she's so beautiful.
I didn't know they broke up.
Yeah.
I'm not sad about it.
They were a hot couple, though.
Hot.
Yeah.
I saw them.
They were between me in an airport once.
And I was like, they were like, can you watch my bags?
I was like, oh, my God, we're best friends.
I would, they asked a stranger to watch their bags.
They were like going to get some drinks or something.
I mean, we're in the first class lounge.
So, okay.
Oh, okay.
they uh they ask you to watch their bags the guy from riverdale has roots they're all just like us
we're all we're like stars are just like us stars are just like us stars are just like us but i think
uh i think i think i think jack i don't care enough about things to start rumors you know that
but you're the only one that's like around people like i feel like gossiping happens at bars
and beck doesn't go to bars and i don't go to bars okay no no no
I mean, I like to hear you think this out loud, but no.
Okay.
No.
She's like, okay.
We're not huge gossipers because we're like pretty busy, but like when we hate someone, we hate them for life.
Like, we'll follow their path and report every one of their failures to our group text.
We won't talk about it publicly, but like...
We're spreading rumors between the three of us.
Yeah, when we hate you, we'll watch you and your life turn into a dumpster fire.
gladly. Oh, I kind of want to be in on that. You can. Welcome.
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Who's most likely to go off the grid?
Most likely to go off the grid?
Mm-hmm.
Becca?
She's going to when the book comes out.
Like if I didn't have to for work, there is no world in which I would have social media.
Like I didn't have Facebook.
That whole time that all of our people,
years were in college and they were like get a facebook account it's so amazing i never had it so i know
this about myself that i would love to just like disappear into thin air but not die you know
i don't remember i don't or i haven't had facebook in so long but my family always sends me like
look at this memory from 10 years ago and i'm like oh my my my niece oh my gosh this is so
embarrassing my niece said to me she's like you look really different um now than you
did like however many years ago and i was like what do you mean she's like i can't really explain it
you just look really different and i was like well sid you're gonna look really different in 10
years too okay stop trolling me call me out rude i know i couldn't believe it i was like damn it
so but look at this right now oh puppy pile are they together yeah ramen's just you can't
see ramen but he's underneath i'm not wearing pants by the oh you already know that
How do you keep them, like, how do you know they're different?
Well, because Pinot has like a dome head.
It's like a big round head and ramen's like little and boxy.
They're just like completely different sides.
They're so freaking cute right now.
Honestly, I don't know what it is about quarantine, but maybe it's because of the amount of alcohol I'm drinking, but I'm literally getting dumber by the day.
Same.
Do you guys feel the same?
Okay.
Absolutely.
No, she's getting smarter.
No.
Well, Kelty is because she reads books.
True.
I'm getting smarter.
I'm learning.
new language. But I'm actually, I'm going to say something right now that I've realized. I don't know if
Kelty's actually reading books. I think she's skimming books because she'll read a book and then
you'll recommend it. And then I'll be like, oh, great, I'm going to read this book. And I do audiobooks.
I love audiobooks. So I'll like listen to the audiobook. And then twice now, like two major zingers.
And I'm like, Kelty, how did you not realize that this was in this book? And she's like, was it? I'm like,
it was a third of the book. This entire conversation was a third of the book. So like,
I don't know if it's because she's reading so much. I read that four months ago. Yeah, but still,
it's like the bulk of the book. It's the memoir about, it's Jessica Simpson's memoir. And we almost
dedicated our book to John Mayer because we just like the ultimate boy. Boy. And so we were like,
but luckily we ran out of pages and we had to take the dedication page out. The universe was taking
care of us. So this happened like, you know, about two months ago, Kelty had already read the Jessica
Simpson memoir. Well, I finished the Jessica Simpson book and I text them and I'm like, you guys,
first of all, John Mayer had like a huge media thing around him about saying something really
inappropriate a couple years ago. So like he's not a, he's not exactly like a standup guy,
not that we thought he was, but he's like a dirt bag. And then I go and then he like basically
emotionally abused Jessica Simpson for the better part of five years, like was so,
awful to her. And I'm like, we almost dedicated our book to a guy that just tortures with it.
She's like, Kelsey, how did you not catch this massive, huge half of Jessica Simpson's book?
Well, I didn't think about it. I'm like, oh, I didn't think about it because I'm also awful to people.
So it's like, I know you can be bad to people and not be an awful person. You still deserve great.
I think it's a different kind of awful, Kelsey. No, it's definitely, listen, it was just something I did, I was
so more engaged in the nicolet of that book. That's the part that really stuck with me. So I'm
reading the books. Sure you are. Kelsey, have you ever said that you've read a book when you haven't
just to like every time she's interviewed a celebrity? Yes. No, I read the celebrity books. I mean,
sometimes you don't have time to read like the whole book. Like you'll just read like the chapters
that were interesting, like an intern or something. We'll like go through and put the things. But for the
most part, I mean, we had Gloselle on our show, like the YouTuber, like four years ago, and I said
I read her book, but I didn't. Oh. But other than that, I read. Confession. Yeah. I read all the books.
Sure. I will say the Demi Moore memoir has gotten me through quarantine. Really? Okay. I've been looking
for a good, I don't, I don't usually like memoirs and or like biographies or like whatever, but I'll get down
with that one because I like this and the Jessica Simpson
audiobooks because they read them themselves
are so juicy. Like, they set the bar
really high for anyone who wants to do a memoir now.
Oh, I could do a Jessica Simpson audio.
What are, do you guys have your book on audio?
Yeah.
Yes.
And you're all reading your parts.
Oh, that's awesome.
It was hard.
It was so exciting when like somehow a word got in there and I was like,
I don't actually even know this word.
That was me, Kelsey.
probably Jack put it in. And then there's also like times where there's a word that you've read a million times, but have you ever said it out loud? And then you have like this producer lady who's probably like also reading Michelle Obama's book with her. And you're like, how do you say proto? I'm so embarrassed for myself. I had to say exacerbate like 75 times. That's a hard one. That is a toughie. To be fair. Going back to John Mayer for two seconds, did you know that? Okay, Perez Hilton when he was on my
podcast talked about how he made out with john mayor in a club and like it's like a known
yeah it's like a known thing prez was like yeah we made out and he'll fully admit it and i'm like
john mayor just admits he made out with you and he was like yeah like if somebody asked him about it
and he was like oh yeah and he's like it wasn't like a drunk makeout either he was like it was
passionate john mayor here's my my um now i can't find my words this is exacerbated
bait um this is my explanation for john mayor because i've worked with men in hollywood enough to see that
there's this one specific type of guy he's neither homosexual heterosexual pansexual he's nothing
sexual he's narcissistic and so he gets off his turn on is when people want to so he gets turned
on if you want to suck his dick if you're a male female or animal like they don't
care as long as they feel desired. And there's a lot of men in Hollywood that they confuse us
because we're like, what are you? But they're just in love with themselves. That makes a lot of
sense. They get off on knowing that everyone wants them. Everyone wants them. And they are, it's so
the worst type of man. But once you know that those exist, it's so easy to spot them.
Oh, that's a good like warning for everybody. Yes. If you're confused. If you're confused,
they are a narcissist yeah it's narcissism is there like a narsexual maybe it's a narsexual
oh i loved this yes that's good back like they really just want to f*** themselves but they'll
take whatever interesting that's john mayor thank god you didn't dedicate your book to him
let's dedicate this podcast to him for being a douche canoe allegedly you know we got to say
allegedly that's the thing that's why you guys you guys don't gossip or spread rumors you always say
allegedly so you're good yeah
And I mean, I'm still like, listen, you do you.
Your body's a Wonderland, you know.
Yeah.
He makes great music.
He does.
He does make great music.
He does make great music.
You've been cooking at home so much during this quarantine.
You've got a little Jay Mayer on the background where you're frying up some veggies.
Oh, it's a Friday night.
Oh.
If you give them just a one night, you're going to see him in a new year.
How did this happen?
That was like such a weird.
Every time you sing an artist,
You picked the most obscure song.
And you do it in a share voice.
Yeah, there's always an accent that goes on with it.
Yeah, that is a wonderland.
That was a southern accent.
You're so crazy.
Thanks for letting us whore out our book on your podcast, girl.
Of course.
Thank you for coming on my podcast, even though my internet quality is
low.
Not the best.
Absolute garbage.
I should probably figure that out.
I do have one of those chords coming.
so just a couple months too late on that one and just in time just in time for me to get back in the studio so thank you guys so much for coming on june second your book comes out um audio and amazon or wherever you can buy books i'm sure you guys will be doing all the social media except for beca she won't she'll be ghost towning everybody um and and your podcast yeah there it is tuesdays and third days lady gang i mean we're basically cousins at this point so yeah well you guys are the reason i got into podcasting
so thank you for that too um okay thank you guys so much and uh anything else you guys want to
push on here just please order our book thanks i mean i can't wait to i can't wait to read it we sent
you one in the mail it's coming this week oh perfect because i i'm not like a kelty book reader but
i love a good book so i can't wait to read it and um thank you for sending me one okay it'll be
an easy read rude that's right up my alley that's right up my i can't wait to read all the
juicy stuff thank you guys so much oh this is good timing because now the dog's
up and they have to pee. Thank you so much. Love you all and appreciate your time. Okay. Bye.
I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Oscar Vine with
Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.com, the Podcast One app,
and subscribe on Apple Podcasts.
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