Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - LadyGang

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

Guests for this week are the strong beautiful women of the podcast, LadyGang! Kaitlyn asks them all about their new book coming out and they explain some of the crazy stories they have about men, relationships and being a woman. Later, they discuss daddy issues, body odor and give their dirty confessions! GEICO – Go to geico.com , and in fifteen minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance BREYERS – To f ind out more about Breyers CarbSmart click here: https://www.breyers.com/us/en/products/carbsmart.html   MERCARI – Chec k out Mercari on the app stores or on Mercari.com . AHA – For more information about how you can drive science ahead, visit https://bit.ly/2SDXEc6 CALDREA – Get free shipping on orders of $50 or more when you buy online at Caldrea.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Podcast One presents off The Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves. Get ready for lots of laughs, tabby topics, on filtered advice, and wine. Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. All right, today I had the chance to sit down with three relatable and hilarious podcast hosts, who you all know and love.

They talk about everything from friendship to romance to bodily functions, periods on their very popular podcast. And they did it a lot on this podcast, too. You never know what you're going to get, but they're not only podcasters. They are also authors now, too. Their new book, Act Like a Lady offers a relatable, empowering, and hilarious take on being unapologetically yourself. So trust me, you're going to want to read that one.

I hope you enjoy this podcast with some of my favorite people, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin and Jack Vanek, aka the Lady Gang. We can just talk about how embarrassing it is, how much effort Kelty and I put into TikTok. And I think it's because we're dancers. But no, Becca, you're a dancer too. Yeah.

I just don't have. I don't have that gene, whatever that is. The TikTok gene. The TikTok gene? Call it TikTok jeans. Call it exhibitionism. I only dance for money, not attention. You know what I mean?

So I think all I need to keep me going is money. Okay. There's no money to be made for a 34-year-old on TikTok. You know what I'm saying? So you, okay, so I'm 34 on TikTok. Give me a little like pep talk here. Like, give me a life lesson on why I should not be on there. Listen, if you enjoy it, if it fuels you, then you should continue.

You know what I mean? But you shouldn't break your back thinking, like, this is the next big venture for me because it's just not going to be. So you have to do it for passion only. I do it for passion only. I love it. It's my passion. I also think that what we talked about before we started recording is the less that

you care, the better you do on TikTok. Like, Caitlin's so pissed that she hasn't been verified yet, but then Jason got verified without even really trying. And that happened with the leading, too. I first got verified, not really caring. And Kelty had an aneurysm. Yep. She's like, yep, I did. And then I was like, Jack, can you get us verified?

And she was like, I can only ask for one favor a day. So the next day, she asked for Becca. I don't even, I can't even get into my own TikTok. I don't know the login. and I haven't tried. Well, you know what? I do love dancing on there, and so I will continue to do it. But I totally understand how you believe it's not a place for grown women, because all I see is young, young, like my niece, who's 12 is on there doing it.

And I'm like, dang. Yeah. One of the girls that ladies that I work with was like, oh, my God, my daughter is obsessed with your TikTok. She's always talking about how good you are. And it's like, and I was like, oh, my God, the teens love me. And then I found out she was six. well i mean you are entertaining oh my god yes sidney i'll check out your tic-tok and i was like oh you're like oh go buy a copy of our book yeah wait what is she going to read if she picks that up

let's talk about how you guys okay have you been first of all doing your podcast from home like virtually like this yep yep okay and so so everyone obviously when is your book coming out we have to talk about this because you're not only podcasters and like little tv stars and hustlers, you're now authors. So tell me about this book. Keltie. We're so excited. Act Like a Lady comes out June 2nd. And it is a collection of sort of opinions and rules to take lightly about ladyhood and then all of these personal essays of ours that range from like really stupid and super funny to super vulnerable and heartfelt. And I love to read. And so I'm so excited that our book is coming out.

And Chris, my husband, has been reading it. Passy? Yeah, he's on page 114. It's the entire quarantine. Dude, it's my favorite series of Kelty trying to get Chris to read the book. And he will not do it. He always ends up throwing it in a corner. Because of the stories?

No, he's not a reader. He's not my demo. And he was like, literally. there's this really, I think, beautiful essay I wrote about my first marriage, and he's just at that part right now. And I watched him last night, like, pick it up, start to read it and then slowly put it down and, like, pick up his phone, like, kind of been holding both. And then he put his little, like, note card in to, you know, like, hold his spot for tomorrow, like halfway through my essay. It's not that long. You couldn't finish that out. That one is pretty long. My super heartfelt

felt story about love like you dick you did you say the name of the book oh yes it's called act like a lady and there's a whole bunch other stuff we can ever remember in the subtitle oh um okay everyone else what was the writing experience like like because you guys didn't have a ghost writer right we were not allowed what no we were they well no well we started writing the book and we're like we're not that great should we get a ghost writer and then the publisher was like these your essays and stuff are actually surprisingly funny so which is good because we have our own voices it would be so so obvious if we had a ghostwriter yeah that's what i was thinking because you guys are all so different in your own ways and i feel like reading the book you would know

like even listening to a podcast people can't see but i feel like everyone knows who's talking because you guys are all so different and so i feel like that's good in the book that you did it yourself but that's a lot of work it was a lot Becca is still hating every like she's so angry to even tell you that she wrote it. I'm still so mad that we did it. Like hashtag regret of my life. Really? Even though it's all done and going to be awesome now. I've never done, Caitlin. It's never done. Even more so now. Because like we had to write it, which I didn't even, I barely got through school. Like I get, I don't want homework. Like I said, I only do things for money. And there's no money. money and writing books hashtag truth um and this just was a lot of work for like very little and so i just felt like i have no desire to do this at all i don't want to like be honest and vulnerable because that's my least favorite thing to do on the planet um and i can't phone it in because then people

will hate me so i knew that i had to do this thing and i got out voted which really sucks when you're in a group of three, two against one. I lost. And so I begrudgingly wrote these essays. And I, the book comes out June 2nd and I will be, I will disappear. I won't go. People won't be able to find me. What about like book tours? I mean, given, well, it got canceled. Thanks for obviously not happening. But I mean, you can do virtual book tours. That's, we're trying to figure it out. We're trying to figure it out. But we really were, we had like this plan to get like, a tour bus and like do the whole states we're so excited and um so now we can't do that but i actually think that it's going to be fun because people are reading like the two things people are doing

at home working out at home and like reading so it's a good time for people to be able to digest a book um but bebecca even though she did it begrudgingly like wrote some of my favorite things in the in the book like it's it's actually really nice what if you guys found out that i had a ghost writer. That would be so tight. It would be amazing. If you're like, at the end of this all, you're like, I didn't do any work. Like the day it comes out, you're like, I didn't write a single bit of this. Zach wrote it all. Surprise. Surprise. Katelyn wrote it all. All right, thanks to my vinos for tuning into today's episode made possible by our friends at Breyer's ice cream. You probably know Breyer's as America's favorite ice cream brand, known for their natural vanilla

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I'll go first. Becca's like, now I'm busted because I don't know. So it's actually the first essay of our book was one of mine. The first section of our book is about love. and I wrote an essay about the most Hollywood guy that I had ever dated in my entire life. But before that essay starts, I kind of go through the list of every single douchebag that I have dated over, you know, the span of my singledom in my 20s. And I gave them all these really cute nicknames that like go along with different letters of the alphabet because we came up with this idea of doing a haunted house with all of these douchebag guys that you've dated. filling the haunted house up. So there are different guys in there that I've dated like this guy

mattress Mike that left his mattress on the ground with no bed frame. And then a guy named Hatfish Harry that only was hot with his hat on. And what was Alon Gail's nickname? Oh, oh, damn it. Why didn't put him in there? You didn't? Dude, that would have been so good. Oh, God damn it, Alon. Ego-maniac Alon. Echomaniac Alon. I need to get him, get him back in there. I mean, that's probably one of the, well, I love Alon, though. So it's, there are things that you can make fun of him for. However, these were like all these guys that I would throw up if I saw them in real life.

So maybe it's a good thing you didn't make it in there. That's funny. I like the nickname idea. Okay, Kelty, what's your favorite part? All the parts are my favorite parts. Oh, my God. So passionate about the book. I think that whole book is start to finish amazing.

My favorite part, I think, is one of the last, oh, I know my favorite part. My favorite part is this essay that I wrote about, do you remember Jeff Gattie? From Sher Park, the tap dancer? Yes. I was like, wait, how do I know that name? Anyway, we've been, like, very good friends since we were five years old, and we've had this shared journal for 20, years and I wrote about like having a best guy friend and then about you know sort of having this journal that we've tossed back for 20 years and I actually took out the journals and like

relooked at the things that mattered to me every single year and like took them down to like one sentence each and what I learned from doing it was just that like life is like at its purpose like pretty meaningless and like it's just nice to have friends that like have known you forever that have known you through you thinking this one thing was so important and I just thought it was a really nice essay on friendship, and I think it's one of my favorite things. That sounds boring when I explain it. Keltie and I also wrote, we, I'm sure, you know, dated the same mutual ex-boyfriend back in the day that was a musician. So we had essays about our relationship with him and then our relationship with each other because we're pinned against each other and how we

hated each other on the internet back in the day. Well, I never fucking hated you. Like, I just want to be that clear. Like, that's so rude. It's called sloppy seconds and sloppier seconds. Oh, dark. But then we recently found out that he went from Kelty to Jack and back to Kelty or the other way around. Other way around. Me to Kelty. And then I always pride myself on the fact that I have never gone back to an ex-boyfriend in my life because I have like a, it's like a switch that turns on in my brain and I find them disgusting immediately after we break up.

Same. And then I, you know, went back and I thought about this whole thing that I had blacked out of my memory that I ended up hooking up with him again. So it was like a whole process of having to accept that. And I did literally, we have never talked about it. It never came out. And then she like turned in the chapter of the book to the publisher. And I was like reading through it because I was like, oh, let me read Jack's essay. And I read it.

And that's how I found out, Caitlin. My business partner. I also thought I thought I thought that I had hooked up with him when they were together. So I thought that he gets worse. Healthy with me. So I had to figure it out. how do you do that how do you flip a switch and not go back how do you find them disgusting like you just it just happens in your brain and that's it yeah it just happens you just find you know

because men are pretty trash and you love goggles on when you're dating them and then i think once i mean for me at least maybe this is just a talent of mine once i break up it's like the veil is lifted and then you see them for the piece of shit that they are oh that's amazing that's a great skill yeah i'm in the same way i think it's because men like she said are just garbage in general. So it takes so much to love them anyway. Yeah. You're tricking yourself into loving them. That's so true. Because they trick you at first, though. Yeah. And do you think, and then you're like, oh, I fell for it. And then it's a trance. And then you break the trance. It's over. Exactly. Or you're me where it's like you love someone forever. Like you could have gone on one

date with them. Like there's a guy that I went on three dates with total in New York City. And I saw him like a year ago. And I was like, oh my God, so many feelings. and he like did not remember her like no he was like do i know you from do i remember you like i have your last name written in my notebook there's so many times like i remember one guy took me to like futza bruta that like off-broadway show like i went on a blind date with my friend jessica's friend and like i've still wondered like what happened that guy i don't remember his name i remember he hit a big nose but that's it like i still care i'm like is he checking my gram is he does he want to know what's up with me I do the opposite thing where I thought of a random guy that I had dated back in the day and I'm like, I kind of, I don't really remember his name. And then I finally figured it out. And I went to look at her text messages. And our last text messages were like paragraphs and paragraphs of the most like deep vulnerable shit in the world. And I'm like, I don't even remember what this guy looks like. But I like have had all these like I thought I was in love with him at a point. And then the flip switches. And then you're done. I want that switch. I mean, I have. I have. I.

I kind of have it now, but I did it in in Canada. Yeah, it wasn't in the water there. I used to be like Kelty and then I don't know now, I just feel like it's different now, but before I was always the same way. Like it took me like six years to get over this one guy who was like over me in like a month. Like going on six years for me. That was embarrassing. Do you get a lot of people now reaching out to you from like the Vancouver waitressing like back days being like,

Kailin, yo, remember me was to work together at wherever he worked? Yes, of course. And my favorite is when somebody comes up to me like at an airport or something and they go, hey, oh my gosh, you're like really good friends with so-and-so. You worked with them at this restaurant. I'm like, I've never even heard of them. Like I don't. And they're like, oh, no, she said you're like their best friends. I'm like, what? I worked with them for like two minutes at a restaurant. Everybody wants their 15 minutes, you know. Well, this morning I got a text from my best friend. And she was like, hey, so-and-so died yesterday. day. And I'm like, who? She's like, we went to middle school with her. I'm like, I don't remember the person that I dated for a year and a half's like last name. I don't remember. Unfortunately, and then I feel like such a dick in those moments. But like, she has that brain that remembers everyone and everything. And she like, for some weird reason, it's so morbid, but she's texted me like three times that someone we know from our past has died and I did not know who they were. That is my sister.

Same thing. And I'm like, am I a monster for not knowing who somebody is? My sister remembers everybody and I don't remember anyone. And then I was like, I should start journaling because then you'd have memories and you could look back and be like, oh, because I'm doing this new digital series and they're trying to like dig up stuff from like and asking questions and oh, could you pull out a picture from this? And they're good.

They'll go to like, they'll go to like 2005 photographer from. CFL cheerleading days and like dig up photos of me when I'm like, I didn't even remember this time existed in my life and they're showing me photos. And I'm like, what's it going to be like in 10 years? Am I not going to remember like this time of quarantine or lacking out through life? Why do I black out through my whole life? It's too hard to remember. No, and that's why people get after me for being so, you know, monument focused. Like, oh, I'm going to get to this thing. But truly at the of your life, you're not going to remember the stupid stuff. You're going to remember the big wins. You know, you get won every decade. So, you know, you can't want to have a trophy to show,

you know. Okay, Kelsey. That is something Heather Dubrow talks about a lot is like celebrating small things, like no matter what. And it is the only thing that I could possibly get on board with because then it, I get it. It's like otherwise life can be very mundane. If you don't just like crack open the champagne for like yay i mean i can't think of like i got a book well the writing a book but here's we barely even did it for that and i didn't well not yet has well we got our face is injected that was our yeah hooray that was true and i went to dr diamond i will remember that but we do talk about this because we're always like go go go go go go with shit and what are you surprised Caitlin is like, no, I want more details. I'm like, wait, what? You celebrated with injecting

your face? Tell me more. We went to Dr. Diamond, the three of us, like, a gang bang. And we just we hung his office for like six hours. We were there for six hours. We were there for six hours. What did it? Who's Dr. Diamond? Oh, my God. The only person that should ever touch anyone's face. The sexiest, sexiest doctor. He's the one that did my necklift. What? Dr. Jason Diamond. Okay, yes. Okay, and he's in, who does he do like the Kardashians or something? He does everyone and he can't talk about it. Like the Kardashians are like the lowest fame of his like, yeah. Like house calls only kind of doc.

Like he gets flown to like overseas to China twice a year to like meet with like the richest people in Shanghai to do their injectables. Wow. Well, not anymore. He's not traveling. I want Dr. Diamond. Yeah. But we went all together and we all hung out.

we did freezing together and then we went one at a time and then we ice bag together and that was actually the day our book went on like pre-sale so we watched it go up the amazon list together in the doctor's office and we're like we're getting Botox everywhere and he was like oh my god I'm so excited for you okay turn to the side injecting my cheap phones is amazing that's so fun that's a that's the way I'd want to celebrate quick question is your home anything like mine cluttered with stuff you don't use anymore clothes shoes things you don't wear taking up valuable closet space, old phones hiding in a random drawer, gifts you got that you never opened or used. Don't lie. You guys all know what I'm talking about. Let me tell you about an app that you can use

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Users are selling everything from fashion to electronics, toys, to sports, hoarding goods and 150,000 items get listed every day on Mercari. So don't let that stuff you use, go to waste, sell or buy almost anything on Mercari. You can find Mercari on the app store or on Mercari.com, and that's M-E-R-C-A-R-C-A-R-I, Mercari, the selling app. Becca, don't think you're getting out of telling me your favorite part about the book. Oh. The acknowledgements. I'm just kidding.

I probably had like the easiest. I'm going to say the best part is the easiest part because I'm lazy. And I really had an easy time talking about my first major breakup when I was in fifth grade. Fifth grade. Fifth grade. That was your first major one? Well, I actually have been for five years on the podcast. I've bragged and bragged and been so annoying and so boastful that I had never been dumped.

And then as we were writing this book, I was like, oh my gosh, something occurred to me. I did get dumped. I got dumped in the fifth mother fucking grade. Oh, you one, poor bitch. You've never had a heartbreak except for fifth grade, like been dumped? To be honest, no. There was one borderline where we had like an explosive fight and I was like on the floor in the fetal position. But then I like dusted myself off and two days later I started dating a major league baseball player.

and then he the other loser came back for me so like I won you know what I mean like there was never a moment where I was like not winning Becca also learned something that has that usually takes every other woman a lifetime to learn and that's date a man that treats you like a queen yeah and that's just something that I feel like Kelsey and I for a good 10 to 15 years until we actually found somebody that treated us right but I was also like smothered by my father so like I did not I mean male attention something went wrong I don't know what to say but I had like opposite of daddy issues where a man would think I was attractive and I'm like okay I get it I know I've been hearing this my whole life I know I'm the prettiest girl in the

world I'm like shut up avert your eyes loser it's so true that's so funny I feel like I had that too Like I feel like I had the opposite of daddy issues, but I still acted like I had daddy issues. Like that's why I am, Caitlin. That's you? I'm like, like somehow acting like I had abandonment issues when my dad is literally obsessed with me. He's an angel. Not a weird way. He's like an angel.

Yeah. Mike Bristow is a goddamn angel who showed me nothing but support and love and understanding and listen to me and like supported me. And I went through my 20s acting like the exact same. Like I had abandonment ship. Did I just say that wrong? abandoned yeah i mean don't get me wrong i had a ton of promiscuous sex like a girl who had daddy issues right but you deep in your soul you knew your worth yeah yeah that's really inspiring it is oh thank you guys

it's so funny that it's taken all this time like that was the first time you've explained it and made perfect sense what do you mean no what becka just said about her dad like i get it yes i know i am the beauty like yeah like i thought up until i moved to los angeles which was at 26 way too late in life to just keep believing this but like i thought i believed that i was like a victoria secret model like i would walk down the beach and i'd be like i'm 5 3 and like squatty as f*** and i would walk down the beach and i'd be like oh my god like look at this bod like i'm just so hot wait i was kind of like that in my young 20s too and this really humbled me i'm going to show you guys a picture over Zoom and I'll have to put it on my Instagram because I literally was so confident

and I would put on my little cheerleading outfit and I had on these little feline cheerleading booty shorts that are like cut way too low and digging in and I I remember the lady who ran the cheerleading squad she was like everybody needs to eat boiled chicken and mustard two weeks before this photo shoot for bikini shots that's what she told us and I was like that my body is so fine I don't need to do anything and now I look at this photo you're gonna die you're gonna die and you're gonna be like okay that's very unfortunate I mean here's the thing you're still the tiniest human on the planet with like an oversized belly like my whole body it doesn't make any sense like i'm so tiny and then there's that no that's because a low cut short

or pant doesn't look good on a skeleton i love seeing photos of when i remember that day feeling hot as oh kately i have that face i have something better you're so cute no that's not cute it looks like you've like a little doll face oh my and a mullet well the mullet's good but like i love seeing those pictures when I remembered feeling so hot and then I look back and I'm like moody Caitlin I was a mood and then I'm holding up a little like what looks like a Chinese fortune that says Caitlin B on it like I'm still on the bachelor it was the tale of things so weird oh my god it was foreshadowing I too was like I was so confident and then something changed around like 23 24 25 where I got super insecure and then into my 30s was like

Okay, I'm back. Yeah, it's true. I mean, Hollywood was the thing that really really fucked me up. No shit. Like, I can't, wait, where did you? So you moved there when you were 26. Where were you before that again?

New York, where everyone's ugly. What? Everyone is so beautiful in New York. Well, in theater, most people are not that attractive because you're on stage. You're miles away from the audience. You can be unattractive and be successful in theater. You don't have to get Botox. It's true.

The difference between like a California model and New York model, New York model is like weird face and California models like beautiful face. Yeah. Well, and like social media has really fucking up. I really blame that a lot for my low self-esteem. My newfound low self-esteem is just so, so encouraging. What a time. I'm the exact opposite because I had Sheila and she was like in like 10th grade,

like, do you think you should get a boob job? And I was like, I'm poor. No. We should be talking about this. And then, like, I remember when I went on my cruise ship and I gained weight and, like, was in trouble with the company because I was, like, too heavy for the costumes or whatever they were saying. And my mom was like, well, so what are you going to do about it? And then was, like, telling me to starve myself. And I was like, Sheila. Sheila. Dance moms just don't, like, they don't know what they're saying sometimes because it comes from a place of like, but you're a performer instead of like, you're a child. Last year, right when we were doing the TV show, I died my head. hair like a little darker. It was like dark roots with blonde. And she was like, I don't know.

Sometimes you just need blonde. And I was like, savage. And it was like last year. Yeah. You look. Sheila is a savage. It'll never change. So my crushing low self-esteem is just always been present. Thanks for bringing it up. Mine comes and goes. Grab a coffee and discover nonstop action with Bud MGM Casino. Check out our hottest exclusive. Friends of one with multi-drop. Once even more options. Play our wide variety of table games. Or head over to the arcade for nostalgic casino thrills only available at BetMGM. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. 19 plus to Wager, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531, 2,600 to speak to an

advisor free of charge. But MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. It's in waves, so it's fun. We'll be back with more Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. You know what? I'm not a high school girl, so shut up. Run for the hills. Who says going out and partying in a club you can't find love? It's the Spidey podcast with Spencer and Heidi Pratt. Hello, I'm not dead.

If you want your husband going out every night, good for freaking you. Hey, that was a joke if you're an idiot. Spencer, you spoiled brat. Your life is amazing. Get new episodes every Monday on Spotify, Podcast One, and Apple Podcasts. worry mom i got you now back to off the vine with katlyn bristow okay let's do let's move into confessions because i just thought of one right now and i want to say it while it's on my mind because i never have confessions every week and this one's like i'm i feel disgusting today from it

so um do you guys have confessions for me today i have one fully prepared i have one fully paired. Yes. Okay. I'll go first because you're, you're, I know you guys are going to bring it and mine's going to be shit anyways, but this happened today where do you guys use natural deodorant? Yes. Oh, yeah. And it works? No. I had to try a bunch of different brands, but yes. Okay, me too. And I thought I found one, but apparently I did not. Um, because Jason had to like sit me down and say like, he seriously was like look i i think like it's great that you're trying the natural deodorant thing and uh but like you either have to shower every day yes or pick a deodorant that works because you're like questionable hygiene not showering isn't mixing

well with a natural deodorant and you actually smell every day so I would like to just piggyback on that, that I have been trying to, you know, jump on the national deodorant train. And this is not my confession, but this did happen to me yesterday as well, where I go to hug my boyfriend and he's like, you smell like onions. Was it your armpits? Yes. Oh, my God.

You know, like, right before your period, when your crotch crease smells like onion? Maybe my... What? wait is this a thing mind yeah like if i i can sweat and not smell if i'm not if i'm far enough away from my period i i smell fine like i don't really have like any kind of pungent whatever your peach is going crazy but yeah two to three days before my period you know your crass and your crotch where you can get a little sweaty that can that can get tangy this is what i'm wondering because my natural deodorant has been working and i'm wondering if it's that pre-period

vibe. That just makes everything smell like shit. Yeah. Did you say that part smells tangy? Yeah, tangy, you know? It is like an onion, like an onion sarache aole. It's disgusting. I'm going to throw up. I am dying. Now I'm going to like a week before my period because I use a period app, I'm going to like throw it in my notes like take a whiff of your tangy crease. You have to be sweaty and then you have to like see what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole set. And then I'll call you guys to be like, I get it now. Yeah. You will.

Okay. Well, okay, maybe it's not my deodorant then. Maybe it's just, no, it's every day. Natural deodorant, you do have to shower every day. It doesn't withstand the test of time. It barely withstands the eight hours that you put it on for. I can't get down with showering every day, though. Well, you got to pick one.

You got to pick. Oh, come on. You guys shower every single day? I have to. Oh. Every morning. apparently I have to too but I just don't I don't wash my hair every day no me either no don't be ridiculous it don't be insane I would never wash my hair every day but I don't I also don't wash my body every day and

I'm starting to realize that I'm in a relationship now and I have to do that yeah close quarters I like the evening shower where you can like kind of feel like you can scrub off some of the shame of the day it's like an emotional thing for me like if I ate cookies or like yeah I worked out but like oh I yelled at someone or like I was kind of a douchebag or like I didn't clean up my shit and it's everywhere like I'm just a disgusting human being and then you're like I'm going to shower and you can kind of like re-born get reborn it's like a baptism every night yeah put a little moisturizer on you behavior person oh this tangy this beautiful orange vanilla scent is really making me feel like I'm a good person is is anyone wearing pants right now no I had to do a

workout so I have a bike for short on I'm not wearing pants good for you it's glorious I do all. This is probably why your crease doesn't stink. It's getting lots of air. Or does it? I don't know. I'm going to check right now. No, because I just showered. It smells great. You got shamed into showering. I love it. I did.

He shower shamed me and I felt like I got off the spin bike. Did I want to shower? No. I wanted to just like, I had a fresh eyeliner on. I wanted to just put a beanie on and hop on the old Zoom and I got shower shamed. I know we all have questions about

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So for more information about how you can drive science ahead, visit project baseline.com slash go red. Now tell me your confessions because I know they're going to be good. I've got. I've got one. Okay, Becca. So in quarantine, I've been complaining every single day to like my best friend and my husband that I'm like, I'm working out so much, but I'm like gaining weight. I'm just like, it's just not working. I think my body's broken. And they're like, really, that's crazy. And then I went to the grocery store and I was filling out my cart. And I walked over to the section that has these delicious pizzas that I love. And as I'm walking to my cart with the pizza, this old foreign man looks at me.

And he's like, no, no, no, no pizza. Just fish and vegetables. Fish and vegetables, you will stay skinny. Oh, no, he didn't. And I was like, oh, my God, this is the reality check I needed. It's true. This is why I'm just a, I'm just a fucking idiot. and I can't understand that eating pizza is the reason that I am still, you know, I mean, I'm not complaining.

I'm not like, you know, killing myself over it. But I was just kind of like, I'm walking miles and miles. I'm running. I'm doing all this shit. And it's like this foreign man was sent to me from the universe to tell me that I'm an idiot and I need to eat fish and vegetables. And I was so embarrassed. He's like your little angel. He actually doesn't even exist.

That's what I was the fragment of your imagination. That's what I was thinking. I was like, oh my God, what if he just. literally came in front of me like it's the weirdest thing no one's even talking to each other at grocery stores right now it's so weird you know yeah but this man felt the the need to tell you fish and vegetables only but beck i want to jump in and say when i was watching and do the workout i was like beck's body is so fire right now oh my god thank you it's because i listened to fish and vegetables two days ago yeah and immediately it's just like amazing bod that's how it works that's me

I'm drinking every single night and eating crap and we're, but I'm like, but I did 20 minutes on the Peloton today and think that that's going to do anything. Yeah. Okay. That's a good one. I'll go. Okay. So my confession is I am pretty notorious about taking laxatives at the worst time possible. It has happened so many times in the past couple of years. So the other day, I, my schedule is all off. It's, it's, it's, I haven't gone. number dose in forever, right? So I take a laxative at 9 a.m. These laxatives usually work within like 30 minutes to an hour. One time I almost shit my pants in a car ride with my boyfriend's band after taking these because they literally are like, you take it and then it's a

waterfall like 30 minutes later. So I took it and then nothing really happened. And then at 2 p.m. that day, we had a phone call with our publisher about our virtual tour that we're going to do for our book now. And it was at that time that the laxative just decided to do its magic. So as we're like all getting on the call being like, Jack's here, Becca's here, Kelty's here. I had to mute myself for the entire call. I don't know if anybody noticed. And then when Kelsey would be like, because Kelsey usually like leads these calls because conference calls are a fucking nightmare, anytime she'd be like, Becca, Jack, what do you think? I'm like, Becca, please, please, please, say something literally on the toilet the entire entire time it's like my body just knows when it's

like you know this is when it's going to happen thank god it wasn't a zoom call thank god because we would never allow zoom we have had a few zooms that i didn't know were zooms until the very last minute too like those have happened with our publishers thank god yeah yeah it was bad that's good one well i'm sorry about that um okay thank you for sure I have a confession, and it is real nasty. I am in love with a fictional character in a real, fucking way. I never understood it. When my friend Christine was like, Twilight, Edward, oh, my God.

I was like, what the fuck you're talking about? There's a show streaming on Hulu right now called Normal People. Is anyone watching it? No. Nope. Okay. It's based on this book. And the guy is named Connell.

His real name in life is Paul. but I don't even care about Paul the actor. I am in love with Connell and I had my entire sleep of sex dreams about him last night. One after another, after another. And Chris is downstairs. He's probably listening. And he's not going to let me watch the show anymore. I'm in love with this teenage.

He's not a teenager. He's like 24. And when you watch this show, it's like he has this silver chain around his neck during the show. And there's an Instagram just called Connell's chain. I'm already turned off. You turned off? Yeah, a silver chain. No, everything's wrong about it.

Why do I love this man? Why is this named Connell? That's the character of the book, okay? It's Marianne and Connell. It's a love story. There's so much sex in this show. They're like teenagers and like, anyway. Are they actually teenagers?

Because you're really throwing me off here with silver chains and teenagers and sex dreams. They meet their senior of high school and then they go away to college together. okay but they're in college yes so basically you guys speaking of college and in children i realized i'm kj appa's neighbor oh and he hollered at me well his friend did from his rooftop when i was on a walk yesterday like hollered like still got it baby hey ladies yeah oh wait who is this i don't know who that is he's on a riverdale the redheaded guy oh is His roots are cray right now because of quarantine.

But he doesn't really have red hair, right? Doesn't he die it? No, and that's why his roots are insane right now. It was like brown with red hair. Weird. He was in that movie when we interviewed Shania Twain. I know. He was there that day.

He was our next next to you. You interviewed Shania Twain? Yeah. She came on the podcast. What? She's the only notable person we've ever had. Yep. Oh, that's huge.

I am, she's like. queen she's a Canadian royalty she is best wow was she was she a good interview yeah amazing like was really there and she'd like really crazy like textured hair and I was like so shenaya of her and I was like I really wanted to go in on the crop tops and then she was like people wore crop tops before me I was like no they didn't yeah she said that she was like the crop top originator yeah maybe that's where I got my inspo I always rocked a crop top even though i shouldn't right now um okay we're gonna play a game before we go and uh you guys do you want to play plead the fifth or do you want to play most likely between all of you guys

most likely most likely yeah okay um okay so who which member of the lady gang is most likely to secretly have a double life kelty because she's serial killer vibes yeah it's me like i murdered someone but didn't tell anyone. But what would Kelsey's secret life be? A murder? That's the thing. That's the thing is like people with secret lives are always, you just never know.

Yeah. You never know. You don't know. You are mysterious in that way. I'm going to vote me. Cool. Okay. Great.

Then we all agree on that one. Um, be late for a recording. Jack. Me. I live on the west side. Jack. Every time. Literally lived on the west side the entire time we've done the podcast.

It's like, first of all, she grew up. in L.A. in California, Southern California. I'm like, you don't know any life that's not traffic. So it's like so shocking that every time we have somewhere to be, she's like, sorry, traffic was crazy. I'm like, hello, you're 32 years old. You know what? When it takes you an hour and 15 minutes to get there, you kind of, it's so long that you're like, I do have time to stop for Starbucks, even though it still says it's taking an hour and 15. I always show up with a Starbucks in hand. Yeah, I was going to say you're the girl that says she's running late but then shows up with Starbucks. I feel like I deserve that. I don't mind the lateness. When she's like, I'm going to be 10 minutes late, fine. But she's like, it's crazy.

Traffic is so bad. I'm like, that I have to have an excuse that's not me. No. But I always do tell you guys when I'm going to be late. But even if you hit traffic, the excuse, it's still that it was you. Yeah. But like, I'm still going to say it's traffic. Okay. We're not going to have this fight on your podcast. Can we save it for closed doors? Oh, gosh. Okay. Great working in a trio. Most likely to accidentally post a nude on social media. Well, Becca, because she did.

I didn't post it on social media. My shit got hacked. I feel like here's the thing. I feel like Kelsey would maybe purposely post it thinking that she would get some press because of it and then pretend it was on accident. Yes. You should totally pretend to be hacked and send out a nude. I know, but it didn't like work for Becca.

It didn't even do anything for my career. And I was young. I was like, when the photos were. taken. I was like 23. I could have been gorgeous. Couldn't have been hotter. You were Victoria's secret model, Becca, back then. I was Giselle 2.0.

Yeah, yeah. It did not help my career. Wait, this is so funny, because my next question was who's most likely to turn out to be a serial killer, but we already know the answer to that one. Kelty. Well, Calty has the emotional well-being to be a serial. Yes, the sociopathic, like, empathy lacking. No empathy. But Jack would know how to do.

do it. Yeah, she could get away with it. I could. I would do it and then I would be in jail because you would do it and I would find her. Yeah. Yeah. And then like burn my fingers off and change the car and get a wig and run away. And then make a podcast about it. That's true. Are you still doing that podcast? I sure am. Oh, that's awesome. Um, okay. Who's most likely to spread a rumor? Kelty. What? So rude. Because she kind of does for a job. I don't spread rumors. I spread two source-confirmed comments about celebrities, okay? It's not like I work at OK Magazine. How sad are you about the Hollywood breakup that just happened? Kara. What's her face? Oh. What's her face?

Karen Kavanaugh? No, Ashley Benson and Kara Delavine. Yeah. Oh, what's her name? Kara Delavine? Yeah, she's so beautiful. I didn't know they broke up. Yeah. I'm not sad about it. They were a hot couple, though. Hot.

Yeah. I saw them. They were between me in an airport once. And I was like, they were like, can you watch my bags? I was like, oh, my God, we're best friends. I would, they asked a stranger to watch their bags. They were like going to get some drinks or something. I mean, we're in the first class lounge.

So, okay. Oh, okay. they uh they ask you to watch their bags the guy from riverdale has roots they're all just like us we're all we're like stars are just like us stars are just like us stars are just like us but i think uh i think i think i think jack i don't care enough about things to start rumors you know that but you're the only one that's like around people like i feel like gossiping happens at bars and beck doesn't go to bars and i don't go to bars okay no no no I mean, I like to hear you think this out loud, but no.

Okay. No. She's like, okay. We're not huge gossipers because we're like pretty busy, but like when we hate someone, we hate them for life. Like, we'll follow their path and report every one of their failures to our group text. We won't talk about it publicly, but like... We're spreading rumors between the three of us. Yeah, when we hate you, we'll watch you and your life turn into a dumpster fire.

gladly. Oh, I kind of want to be in on that. You can. Welcome. Group text. Vinos, listen up. If you've been keeping up with the pod lately, you've probably heard me talk about my new favorite brand, Caldrea. Caldrea is a consciously crafted home and body care brand that combines thoughtful ingredients with incredible sense, making caring for ourselves and our homes a beautiful experience. I've touched on some of their soap, lotion, and cleaning products, but they also have air care products that I've been using a lot lately. Caldrea's air care products transform your home with your favorite fragrances, bringing luxury to every room. And you know this is serious stuff if it can make my home smell like a spa or vacation

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or resort or something or vacation instead of just, you know, here in my own home. Get free shipping on orders of $50 or more when you buy online at caldraea.com. That's C-A-L-D-R-E-A.com. Visit caldraia.com and find your signature scent. Who's most likely to go off the grid? Most likely to go off the grid? Mm-hmm. Becca?

She's going to when the book comes out. Like if I didn't have to for work, there is no world in which I would have social media. Like I didn't have Facebook. That whole time that all of our people, years were in college and they were like get a facebook account it's so amazing i never had it so i know this about myself that i would love to just like disappear into thin air but not die you know i don't remember i don't or i haven't had facebook in so long but my family always sends me like look at this memory from 10 years ago and i'm like oh my my my niece oh my gosh this is so

embarrassing my niece said to me she's like you look really different um now than you did like however many years ago and i was like what do you mean she's like i can't really explain it you just look really different and i was like well sid you're gonna look really different in 10 years too okay stop trolling me call me out rude i know i couldn't believe it i was like damn it so but look at this right now oh puppy pile are they together yeah ramen's just you can't see ramen but he's underneath i'm not wearing pants by the oh you already know that How do you keep them, like, how do you know they're different? Well, because Pinot has like a dome head.

It's like a big round head and ramen's like little and boxy. They're just like completely different sides. They're so freaking cute right now. Honestly, I don't know what it is about quarantine, but maybe it's because of the amount of alcohol I'm drinking, but I'm literally getting dumber by the day. Same. Do you guys feel the same? Okay. Absolutely.

No, she's getting smarter. No. Well, Kelty is because she reads books. True. I'm getting smarter. I'm learning. new language. But I'm actually, I'm going to say something right now that I've realized. I don't know if Kelty's actually reading books. I think she's skimming books because she'll read a book and then

you'll recommend it. And then I'll be like, oh, great, I'm going to read this book. And I do audiobooks. I love audiobooks. So I'll like listen to the audiobook. And then twice now, like two major zingers. And I'm like, Kelty, how did you not realize that this was in this book? And she's like, was it? I'm like, it was a third of the book. This entire conversation was a third of the book. So like, I don't know if it's because she's reading so much. I read that four months ago. Yeah, but still, it's like the bulk of the book. It's the memoir about, it's Jessica Simpson's memoir. And we almost dedicated our book to John Mayer because we just like the ultimate boy. Boy. And so we were like, but luckily we ran out of pages and we had to take the dedication page out. The universe was taking

care of us. So this happened like, you know, about two months ago, Kelty had already read the Jessica Simpson memoir. Well, I finished the Jessica Simpson book and I text them and I'm like, you guys, first of all, John Mayer had like a huge media thing around him about saying something really inappropriate a couple years ago. So like he's not a, he's not exactly like a standup guy, not that we thought he was, but he's like a dirt bag. And then I go and then he like basically emotionally abused Jessica Simpson for the better part of five years, like was so, awful to her. And I'm like, we almost dedicated our book to a guy that just tortures with it. She's like, Kelsey, how did you not catch this massive, huge half of Jessica Simpson's book?

Well, I didn't think about it. I'm like, oh, I didn't think about it because I'm also awful to people. So it's like, I know you can be bad to people and not be an awful person. You still deserve great. I think it's a different kind of awful, Kelsey. No, it's definitely, listen, it was just something I did, I was so more engaged in the nicolet of that book. That's the part that really stuck with me. So I'm reading the books. Sure you are. Kelsey, have you ever said that you've read a book when you haven't just to like every time she's interviewed a celebrity? Yes. No, I read the celebrity books. I mean, sometimes you don't have time to read like the whole book. Like you'll just read like the chapters that were interesting, like an intern or something. We'll like go through and put the things. But for the

most part, I mean, we had Gloselle on our show, like the YouTuber, like four years ago, and I said I read her book, but I didn't. Oh. But other than that, I read. Confession. Yeah. I read all the books. Sure. I will say the Demi Moore memoir has gotten me through quarantine. Really? Okay. I've been looking for a good, I don't, I don't usually like memoirs and or like biographies or like whatever, but I'll get down with that one because I like this and the Jessica Simpson audiobooks because they read them themselves are so juicy. Like, they set the bar really high for anyone who wants to do a memoir now.

Oh, I could do a Jessica Simpson audio. What are, do you guys have your book on audio? Yeah. Yes. And you're all reading your parts. Oh, that's awesome. It was hard. It was so exciting when like somehow a word got in there and I was like,

I don't actually even know this word. That was me, Kelsey. probably Jack put it in. And then there's also like times where there's a word that you've read a million times, but have you ever said it out loud? And then you have like this producer lady who's probably like also reading Michelle Obama's book with her. And you're like, how do you say proto? I'm so embarrassed for myself. I had to say exacerbate like 75 times. That's a hard one. That is a toughie. To be fair. Going back to John Mayer for two seconds, did you know that? Okay, Perez Hilton when he was on my podcast talked about how he made out with john mayor in a club and like it's like a known yeah it's like a known thing prez was like yeah we made out and he'll fully admit it and i'm like john mayor just admits he made out with you and he was like yeah like if somebody asked him about it and he was like oh yeah and he's like it wasn't like a drunk makeout either he was like it was passionate john mayor here's my my um now i can't find my words this is exacerbated

bait um this is my explanation for john mayor because i've worked with men in hollywood enough to see that there's this one specific type of guy he's neither homosexual heterosexual pansexual he's nothing sexual he's narcissistic and so he gets off his turn on is when people want to so he gets turned on if you want to suck his dick if you're a male female or animal like they don't care as long as they feel desired. And there's a lot of men in Hollywood that they confuse us because we're like, what are you? But they're just in love with themselves. That makes a lot of sense. They get off on knowing that everyone wants them. Everyone wants them. And they are, it's so the worst type of man. But once you know that those exist, it's so easy to spot them.

Oh, that's a good like warning for everybody. Yes. If you're confused. If you're confused, they are a narcissist yeah it's narcissism is there like a narsexual maybe it's a narsexual oh i loved this yes that's good back like they really just want to f*** themselves but they'll take whatever interesting that's john mayor thank god you didn't dedicate your book to him let's dedicate this podcast to him for being a douche canoe allegedly you know we got to say allegedly that's the thing that's why you guys you guys don't gossip or spread rumors you always say allegedly so you're good yeah And I mean, I'm still like, listen, you do you.

Your body's a Wonderland, you know. Yeah. He makes great music. He does. He does make great music. He does make great music. You've been cooking at home so much during this quarantine. You've got a little Jay Mayer on the background where you're frying up some veggies.

Oh, it's a Friday night. Oh. If you give them just a one night, you're going to see him in a new year. How did this happen? That was like such a weird. Every time you sing an artist, You picked the most obscure song. And you do it in a share voice.

Yeah, there's always an accent that goes on with it. Yeah, that is a wonderland. That was a southern accent. You're so crazy. Thanks for letting us whore out our book on your podcast, girl. Of course. Thank you for coming on my podcast, even though my internet quality is low.

Not the best. Absolute garbage. I should probably figure that out. I do have one of those chords coming. so just a couple months too late on that one and just in time just in time for me to get back in the studio so thank you guys so much for coming on june second your book comes out um audio and amazon or wherever you can buy books i'm sure you guys will be doing all the social media except for beca she won't she'll be ghost towning everybody um and and your podcast yeah there it is tuesdays and third days lady gang i mean we're basically cousins at this point so yeah well you guys are the reason i got into podcasting so thank you for that too um okay thank you guys so much and uh anything else you guys want to push on here just please order our book thanks i mean i can't wait to i can't wait to read it we sent you one in the mail it's coming this week oh perfect because i i'm not like a kelty book reader but

i love a good book so i can't wait to read it and um thank you for sending me one okay it'll be an easy read rude that's right up my alley that's right up my i can't wait to read all the juicy stuff thank you guys so much oh this is good timing because now the dog's up and they have to pee. Thank you so much. Love you all and appreciate your time. Okay. Bye. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Oscar Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's that with OTV?