Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Live From the Irvine Improv: With the Lady Gang

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

Kaitlyn is joined by Becca Tobin, Jac Vanek, and Keltie Knight of the Lady Gang Podcast live at the Irvine Improv. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Hey guys, guess what?

It's my birthday today. I did have a show recorded and it was my birthday episode. We sang happy birthday, but we had some technical difficulties. I did, however, tease on the episode that I had a very exciting thing that I was launching on my birthday. And that is my scrunchy line called Do, D-E-W. So, you know, like hairdo. how do you do your up do do somebody play on words you know i'm a big fan of puns please go over to the instagram page all i want for my birthday is for you to follow the scrunchy page it's edgy it's cool

it's different it's at do edit d e w ed i t and buy some scrunchies you know then rock them tag me in it that's all i want for my birthday thanks guys who's gone with o tv who's down with o tv Who's done with O.GV? Podcast One presents Off The Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves. Get ready for lots of laughs. Tabby topics. On filtered advice and wine.

Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. How are we doing? I can't really see you in the back because there are a lot of you. They're doing. Okay, good. I just needed to, like, do that for my confidence for a second. Okay, so we know who the guests are today, right? Tonight?

Oh, are we more excited for them than me? Great answer. Great answer. I was like, hey, ladies, I did no planning because I know how you girls function and you work off the crowd, as do I, because we're, yeah, we're funny, right? We have hilarious. So let's bring them out. Let's welcome Becca Tobin, Jack Van Nack, Kelsey Knight, The Lady Game.

Oh my gosh, Kelpy. Can you bring out the fruit cheese, please? Oh, there's cookies. Oh, my God, you're not even putting it on the table. She needs it all of us on. Yeah. Yeah, but I also need you on the mic because you're good. Look at this. You really take control of the show. You're on your own. Kelton Bristow. Another tequila shot. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to

sip on that through the whole thing. I'll take a shot at the end, but I'm going to sit that through the whole damn show. This episode is brought to you by Showtime and the acclaimed series The Affair. This summer, the journey continues in the intimate relationship drama. A fresh start should mean a new beginning, but it isn't that easy when the past forces everyone to crash back together. Starring Dominic West, Ruth Wilson, Mora Tierney, and Joshua Jackson. Don't miss a new episode of the affair every Sunday on Showtime. To try a free month, go to Showtime.com and enter code off the vine. Offer is for first-time subscribers only and expires July 15th.

Guys, oh my gosh, thank you everybody for coming out. I'm so excited. I was also told, thank God I didn't wear my short. because I didn't shave my legs, and I was told there's going to be, like, a big table that you wouldn't be able to see my lower hat. But I put on pants anyways. Thank God.

I could just take off my pants. Everything's better without pants on. I agree. I didn't have a razor in my hotel room. It's not a good day. No pants. I did think that we were supposed to wear sweatpants. What happened to that?

I heard it was pajamas. Is anybody wearing some pants? No. Okay, good. Actually, that would be really funny if somebody wore pajamas. But I was going to do that for my show in San Francisco, but then I was like, you know what, I got some messages that there's moms being like, it's our night out, like we want to dress up, and I'm like, I feel that. I understand. I'm just, I hate dressing up so much. I know. I'm a little bit disappointed. I know. It's fun now with a pajama party, but at the same time, you all look so cute. I'm not going to lie, San Francisco is a little louder.

Their laughs were a little bit harder. Almost. No, not that you're, you're up here. I like it. Yeah. She's ready. You're ready. What's in that? There is another scene. Are there edibles in that gift basket? Yeah, what have you got in there? I will have what you're having. It's my birthday on Tuesday. This is kind of my birthday party. Thanks. You guys want to sing me or no? I do not. Well, wait until again. Actually, I was saying this at the last podcast, I hate the happy birthday song. Like, with the past, everybody just, like, stares at you, and they're, like, seeing this creepy, like, happy birthday, and nobody's on key, and it's just terrible.

And then you feel so fucking awkward. So, like, do I look you in the eye? Do I look at my cake? I don't know. And then, like, do you have to make eye contact with everybody, like, when you cheers? Like, it's just so awkward and uncomfortable. I hate... I hate that making eye contact while cheering single rule.

I hate it. It's so late. That's a good point. Well, you know why. They haven't. So you could make sure no one's putting a date right

drug in your drink. Why do you have it? That is close. Safety first. That is close. I heard it's because like back in the day in like Germany

and they were like doing the pros things, they make sure that you weren't like splashing your... No, you want to splash your mirror in a spirit just in case yours is poison. That's what I meant. The same thing.

That's what I meant to say. Jack would know that. I would. That's your favorite thing. I'm not bad with that. A murder and wine. It's the best combination ever. Oh, are you into the murder shows?

Oh, yeah. What's your favorite? Criminal minds? I love that one. Well, forensic files I watch every single day. Yes. I don't know where you were, but yes, I love you. Way in the back. The jakes.

It's only the best. I don't know of these shows. It's on Netflix. Oh, okay. I'll check it out. I'm watching three. 13 reasons why right now. I'm so.

So good. And I keep thinking, like, if I ever see that Bryce Dick anywhere, like... No. Caitlin, I just saw him. Oh, yeah. And did you punch him in the face? You know, because I'm super famous. I was in a movie premiere.

You are so famous. And it was the tag movie, and it was all the cast of tag. And then Bryce Walker, from 13 reasons why. And he walks over, and I was like, I hate you. And he was like, that's what everyone said. Everyone says, I'm really a nice guy. And it was like, no, you're not. He's typecast forever.

Oh, he is. As a racist. It's a tough role, yeah. That's a tough role. And, like, but that also means he's a really great actor? He's seen, okay. Or maybe he's just a dick in real life. He's just...

You don't think people on TV who act like assholes of television are actually ass... How do you know that, Becca? Were you an asshole? I'm bleak. That was a huge bitch. Three years as a bitch. It's not...

It's good. It's not. acting. Speaking of being on TV, don't you ladies have a show now? Maybe. Is that not public news? Did I know?

Yeah. Sometimes it's fall, hopefully. And you got it from your podcast. Sure it is. We sure do. So your podcast is better than mine is what you're going to have. I mean. You guys don't have to answer that.

If you want to be on our show, all you have to do is ask. No, you taught me. No? I know that you asked us here tonight so that you can ask a favor later. You know? I put you on my big sold-out show at the Irvine Improv. You owe me.

No, but do you remember you told me that I can't act desperate and that's why I didn't get on Dancing with the Stars because I acted like I really wanted it. And I'm acting like I really wanted TV weddings and I'm like, I don't care. I don't care about TV. Sorry. You're telling me that no one on Dancing with the Stars is desperate.

Isn't that where you go? It's like a frustration. See, I didn't realize that, but I know now, and now they ask me, I'm like, I mean, I'd be okay with it. Kaelin, I've pitched myself for dancing with the stars for the last 14 seasons she's straight. Like, I'm talking video, resume, headshot, like, here's some of my, what is my most memorable year, like a crying video. Yeah, but you were a rocket girl. It's a hard pass. Kelsey, have they ever worked you back about going on?

Never. They're like, not once. And then this week, I was like, oh, can I present it the Tony Awards? Because it's on CBS. And, you know, I'm so famous on CBS. And I was a rock ad and all these things. And the publicist for my own goddamn show is like, this is going to be a really hard one.

Hey, I was on a Broadway show and I wasn't invited. I know, but it was a Christmas Broadway show. It was so a Broadway show. That's like when we say back, I can't record the podcast because she's doing a movie. It was six weeks. It's a Hallmark movie. Who doesn't love a good Hallmark movie?

They're the best. It's a good homearm movie. This Saturday night, 9 p.m. Watch him. What is it called? Love it first dance. Oh, you do dance in it? I do dance.

Kelsey, how jealous are you? Very jealous, as usual. Honestly, I remember the first conversation. Caitlin, so Caitlin and I grew up together. You guys know this, right? Yeah, we did. Our moms were in a trifecto friendship. Yeah.

They were in each other's wedding party. They were? Yes. Oh, my God. You know everything. You have. How do you not remember this? Have we talked about this on the podcast?

Yeah, you have. You have a PDF. Jack? I don't. That's a great quality. I don't remember anything. I'm just saying, Caitlin wrote me an email, and she's like, hey, Kelsey, I know you're on The Bachelor for one night. And I'm thinking about going on it, and I wrote her back, and I was like, Caitlin, do not go on the bachelor.

It is the worst experience of your life. You will hate it. Look at her now. I should have pulled it. the email because it was like you guys said it was like true Kelsey fashion like it is career suicide

don't do it to yourself they made me blah blah and I was like damn you guys are literally the polar opposites of what the bachelor can do for you but both very successful but both killing it see Kelsey is successful despite

the bachelor's true which is a big feat yeah I had to earn my she did a bot mom a high kid coming out of the limo. You can't even get you to. You peaked. Coming on the limo,

you're like, you're your best move right on the limo. You guys, here's the real truth. I love this story. I knew I couldn't make it more than one night

on The Bachelor because I was really into my ombray hair. No, this is a new story. This is a new story. I'm like, you're going to talk about something that you're like, I should not talk about this ever again.

That's not what I'm going to talk about. I would never do such a thing. So, do you guys remember when the ombre hair? was like, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark. Like mine right now? No, yours is more, it was like the aggressive ombre. Oh, okay.

It's dark ombre. But it was cool. Before I went to a bachelor, I was like, I mean long sexual hair. You know what I mean? Because my, because my friend always said, like, no one wants to f*** a pixie cut. I don't think that's true. I think there's a friend has a pixie cut and she f***s more than anybody I know. Okay.

Really? But anyway, I was like, I need long sexual hair And so I got all these hair extensions But then they had to be dyed to match my To do the ambray So they were like already deeply chemically processed Before I stepped out of limo And like on night two

I remember like being in the line on the risers For the elimination and I was like trying to brush through my like Weave and it was like already matted You know how it's like after like six weeks Your extensions girls, you know what I'm talking about Like it gets a little maddy And you're like no matter how many times I brush this silver never brush through. And I was like, I can't

stay here. My hair won't last 12 weeks. I totally understand. That's why I didn't, well, I had clip-ins. And then I was like, I'm not doing eyelash extensions because then they'll, like, they'll just be sh-h-in, like, however many weeks for the last three? Can I do a public service announcement about the eyelash extension? Yeah.

It's over. Okay. What about, but what about stricks? It's all over. Shit. What about what? Stricks. But I don't have lashes.

Got to get a serum girl Not yet That should have just great right now They're fake Not extension No they're not extension But a strip lash No an individual

A daily individual is fine And if you have a face and makeup on It's fine to have a fake eyelash But like the women who wear makeup once every three weeks Yet they always have an eyelash extension

I'm like It's very confusing It's like going out In your sweatpants But throwing on a heel That's a great point It's so weird Everybody's just staring at your eyelash

Why don't we do can you not trends Like that needs to go Can you not Wait I got a really good one Can you not eyelash extensions? Thank you Okay now you guys go

Like can you not post selfies with an inspirational quote Oh I can't I've never been into that And you know. No. I can't.

And I also don't like, when they do a selfie and then instead of an inspirational quote, they say like, I feel like I'm supposed to put in an inspirational quote. You're like, yes, here I go. Yeah. And then I'm like, no, don't do that either. Like, that makes it worse. Yeah. Just, yeah.

If you don't deserve me, or if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. Who's captioned that on their Instagram? Well. She's like, I'm like, no, we're saying it's bad You're like, yeah, I know, she's owning it I actually owning it Caitlin, I have mine. Okay, what? Can you not your babies

on Instagram? Oh, all the minds are giving me I know, so many fingers right now. I do the baby statement. Let me say something, I'm so happy you birthed a child. Yeah. I've sent you a gift. I went to the shower. I got the biggest gift back. basket of all things from Marshalls

for you. And I'm so excited for one every ten posts for you to post a picture of your baby. But like... One every ten is good. We were friends before, or you were a blogger before, and I

followed you for your fashion, and now all I see is your baby. I'm talking right now. I know, I'm like, this girl thinks she's on stage right now. You need to follow the rules. We're also talking. You're so cute. You're your denim jean jacket please let me finish I don't want to see your baby all the time I don't have a baby I'm not there yet yeah please come down but she's not even

saying it in a way but you're sad that she can't have a baby you just hate babies right now I have two things to say about babies can you not give birth and the day later tag your baby their Instagram oh but what if you were Spencer and Heidi and your baby is already verified. But here's... What? Yeah, their baby's verified. I actually approve of that.

That's doing the thing. But they're also pretty making money up. That's like business savvy. They're like thinking about his future. I know you already have the handle of you and Sean's baby. Do you have a baby name?

Yeah, I've... So many. So you know. So many baby names. So have you gotten the Instagram handle? No, but I did look it up and it was taken. I'll like the way around.

You can get that. I'll pay. I'll pay. Wait, can you not pay for your Instagram followers? Oh, my God, you guys have such a good story. Yes, go. It's not that great. But there is someone out there that I know that has been buying Instagram followers,

and then they got caught by my boss. It's not you, Caitlin, and your millions of followers. Anyway, they got caught, and it was funny. How is Selena Gomez the most followed person on Instagram? I like her. She's not the biggest celebrity in the world. It's strange. She has more than the Kardashian. Do you think the weekend really

was almost going to give her a kidney like that song says? He wrote a song about it. The song says I almost cut a piece of me for your life. But wait, it's not about her, or is that just people are deciding that's about her? You know this trick. It's to get people listening to the song and talking about it. And here we are like ass-a- talking about it. Yeah, talking to all about it.

Introducing 500 new people to that whole time. Wow, I'm really glad that can you not landed. Whatever, we tried. Wait, how many guys are in our audience? There's a hot guys right here. There's something like, stand up, stand up! I don't know if these bitches are.

I'm too low. What, are you? Are you seen there? Ooh, that one's so well dressed. So well dressed. It has every guy that's here been dragged out by their girlfriend. Is that what's happening? Could any guy here for $100 name?

all of our first names. That's not all homosexual. That's funny. I was ready to give you $100. Yeah, it's in my back pocket. You didn't even want to try. One day we'll get male fans one day. No.

No. Definitely not. The best thing, Kayland, do you, does people ever come up? Well, probably not for you, but they come up to us all the time. And they're like, oh my God, I love the Lady Gang podcast.

I'm your biggest fan. I listen all the time. And then you're like, oh my God, that's great. Well, just spam me on Instagram. Like, let me know where you're going to be or whatever, and they're like, oh yeah, I don't follow you. Nobody follows us that listens to our podcast. Why? I follow you and I don't listen to your podcast.

That's all that matters. But I love you, ladies. But I don't listen to any podcasts, to be fair. I don't. I'm just a little busy. What? Actually, I don't have the intentions fan for a podcast. I don't know how you guys do it. You have to be driving. You have to be stuck in a vehicle. Or on a plane, but I sleep on planes all the time. I get on a plane for five minutes. Did you post a picture of you and Chun cuddling, like in the same laydown

seat? You had sex in a laydown We had sex in a pod. We had sex in a final high story. Yeah, we did it in a first class pod. What a boss move. That is a boss move. And then we hide five. I feel like

even more bossy, you have to end that. Like, you can't just feel like, oh, now let's cuddle. It's like, okay, we did it. Yeah, we were like, we'll go back to your other seat. What? My tenants? No, it was like, overnight and nobody had been around in like 30 minutes and everybody was sleeping

and it was super dark and then I was like hey you want to come watch a beauty and the beast with me? Not a sexy movie but that's what we were watching and he was like oh actually no it wasn't it was backstreet boys documentary a little better that's a great documentary but I actually really gets you like turned on

you know well then did I tell you my story when he was in front of me on a plane? Kevin? Full circle any check no not Kev Kemp Kip I love Kip Kep Kep Not the bucket hat man his brows are so One time I went to his rehearsal and he was wearing a dress pant, no, a dress shoe and a ripaway pan.

Oh my God, that's something Kim Kardashian would do. Kim, you're right. Yeah. Can you not Kim Kardashian bike shorts? Why do they do that? I just bought a pair of white shorts, guys. Did you really? Yeah, gross. Black? Yep.

And then a baggie jacket over it? Got to have like a baggy windbreaker and like a shorth. shoot. Which, by the way, I thought you with those chunky sneakers, Becca. They were a joke. They were a man's. I stole him off his feet. Oh. I think we all need to say something to Jack for a second. Can you not? Dad shoe? Can you not shoot on your bike? I was literally like, Becca, where'd you get him? Can I borrow them?

Jack has been showing up in those, like, do you remember? Okay, your mom definitely wore this. Do you remember those, like, really super thin windbreakers where the sleeve was a different color than, like, the chest area? I wore those. It was like L.A. year and it has like a half-sip to here and a hood and it's cropped. Jeff wore one two days ago. She did. I fucking love it. Why?

It looked good on me. What are going to say? They look good on me. I've never followed anything I've said with that. I love it with it. Because there's nothing else to follow it up with because it's terrible. But what inspired you? Kim K.

Somebody sent them to me for a free? Oh, that'll do it. That'll do it. Like Alvina Mugsy you send me. I love them You do use them I do all the time My favorite is the wine glass

It says Will you sip this rosé A bachelor reference You know? I know Gets you How about this season Do we like the season

Or is boring I wonder if the juice is coming Oh that's not as sexual But I wonder if it's like When they get juicy Like later in the season Or is it because There's a two drink women

And everybody's sober Okay, but what are our thoughts on Jordan the mom? Sewing to Jordan. How's your hair? I loved her. What do you like? Do you, how much of it is real? You know you were there for one night?

One night only. Hey, it worked out for you. I have a question. Actually, I have a question. Okay, okay. Okay. No, this is real, Caitlin. Oh, that's scared.

No, this is real. Okay. So at my one rose ceremony, Brad Wellmat I got a rose I got a rose on the first night And then next night Okay so I'm on the risers right

And Brad would come in And he would like I know all you're like What season was she on? Bradwell match baby I'm 80 hundred years old 10 years ago Okay so I'm on the risers right

And then Brad would come on And he would give away like four roses When there was still like 25 people right And then he'd walk out of the room And then he'd come back the room. Did they have like a giant head chart out there because you don't know everyone's names? Yeah. And they're like

a little keychain with your, with little photos of each face. So you're like through, okay, I'm going to say these four names yeah. So you're like, okay I'm just, I don't even know what guy's names are right now. Brad, Sean, Ryan, John. And then you're like, Brad John, Ryan, John. And you go out

and then you pick up the rows and you're like, Brad. And then he walks forward and you're like, Right, Brad. Do you look at that with the eye when you do it? No. No, no, no, I never looked at the the eye unless it was like somebody

I was like, oh, yeah. But like anyone else, if I didn't know they can't give you an ear piece. That's not a brand. And then he'd walk forward and I'd go, I'm Brad. Okay, so yeah, so that's what I thought. So like every girl on the one night

I was there, like when he called your name, you're like oh my God, I matter. I'm so important and I was so memorable at a cocktail hour. that was completely bullshit. And depends. He didn't know me. I don't know her.

What order were you? Because Crystal's called my name first, and I was like, well, he definitely remembers me. But also he told me after, he was like, it was between you and Britt for the first impression. I was. I'm like, it's always between me and Brit. It is, so.

Or it was. It was. Not anymore. I'm over it. But, yeah, no. I think it depends. Because there were some guys where I was like, definitely remember you. I looked them in the eye,

called, did he look you in the eye when he called you? I don't remember, but also, did you definitely did not look you in the eye when he called you. But then, Caitlin, at the end, when you had like six guys, you knew their names. Oh, yeah. I would hope so. Well, they've all gone on one-on-one dates. They've all fallen in love, kind of sort of. I remember being very cold in New York City at a baseball diamond, and there's ten guys, and I'm like, there is no way I'm leaving, like, I'm just going to do this as quickly as possible. It's so cold, so I I remember and I made a song up about the 10 names in a row and I went out no I don't remember anything from my season I blacked out I got even joking did you

watch it yeah and I don't remember anything like it's the weird and I talked to like other bachelor and bachelor's and I'm like same thing like they don't remember anything it's like a dark hole maybe just like drugged you I ain't saying anything yeah do it fight you back sometimes yeah but then they cut me out like this like this like this season. Yeah, I was like, you get a cruel edit? I, oh, yeah. She didn't get much of an edit at all. A cruel edit. Good use to the word. Thank you.

Oh. The cruel edit is when you spend your entire day shooting something. Oh. And then you watch it and you're in 20 seconds of it. That was me if I was in about five. Yeah, five seconds. Or you're like the nicest person in the entire world. You say one bitchy comment and that's the only comment on the show. Yeah. That's, yeah, I honestly said so many like things that probably resonated with her and I had so much

great advice and I said like most meaningful things and we were like out and everybody's seeing their little thing and I chime in and they'd like cut it and then they'd like show the other girls and then I had like a really nice like ITM moment in the moment interview gone they just showed me saying why are we laying a big dummy when they're saging the house and I was like that's the one line you show me saying I know what saging is I was just trying to be funny but they made me look like an idiot Do you think? I thought they were past everything. We're not going back.

And that's what I learned. Yeah. But have you learned it though? Yep. No. I'm like, you know what, I gotta stay relevant. Kelsey has taught me a lot of things. You know, I was like, next year I won't be on that couch.

It was Rachel Jojo than me, and I'm like, next year it's going to be Becca, Rachel, Jojo. So I have to just take what I can get. But by then you'll have a baby and you'll be like selling it to many of the kids. You guys, you're really saying for me to have a media Or a sex tape It would be so, it'll be so off-brand for me to have a baby It's very off-brand for you Yeah, you can't drink wine while you're pregnant

Who does watch me? I'm like getting sick of women loving Chumpy I'm like, we get it, you love him I'm just kidding, you can love him But he was supposed to be at my last show And that's like, I had to like get through 30 minutes Of like talking about everyone can be like But where's Sean?

I'm like, he's not here He's not here No, but you know what it's actually? really sad. Our dog's a little bit sick. Don't get burned. Tucker's got a little bit of a liver infection because he's old. And he's been drinking a lot. And he has to have a small liver.

But he's, yeah, so Sean's gone to a music festival and I'm supposed to meet him there, and now I have to go home and take care of Tucker, but to me almost I'd rather do that. I'm like, that's how you know you're getting old. I was like, music festival, take care of my little. Yeah, which I found out today, dogs like when you talk to them like that. How do dogs tell you they like when you talk? I don't tell me any different.

Just confirm it for me. Okay, yeah, no, it's a truth. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick little break to talk about Disney. Okay. Remember the joy and spirit of Peter Pan? There's a place where you don't have to grow up, even though the world tells you to,

and ladies gentlemen, that place is Walt Disney World. It's tough to be an adult. We all know that. But at Walt Disney World, you can put the adulting on pause and let the everyday stresses of life disappear. There's so much cool stuff you can do at Walt Disney World after hours,

Oh, how cool does that sound? Including a crawl of some of the best in-park drinking options. If the world tells you to grow up, well, guess what? At Disney World, you don't have to. Walt Disney World is the perfect escape for millennials. There's an entirely new way to experience it as an adult without kids. From cool drinking options to the excitement of after-hour events, find your happy place here.

How about Tudogusto Wine Cellar at Epcot? Experience the flavors of Italy in the cozy wine bar offering 200 bottles of Italian wines plus beer and small plates, menu of meats, cheeses, pinini, pasta, and desserts. There are so many cool attractions and characters that bring your childhood to life and new experiences that you can appreciate as an adult. Relive the nostalgia of Disney or create some new memories. Um, I think we should confess.

Caleb, what have you done lately? You better confess. My confession is so stupid, but it happened to you today. I totally have my first. boob out in a romper it was like this romper that I always wear and I was wearing it traveling and I was like all like in a kerfuffle from driving here and like had all these bags and I had had is that a word I like it kerfuffle I feel like that's something Jordan would say um so I had like my bag on it I took it off to pay the man at the front desk with my credit card

I paid him all right I gave a little extra tip I was like He totally saw. And he went, for sure. Yeah, for sure, I could do that for you. And he, like, handing it, I was like, oh, my God. And I didn't know whether I should just be like, you saw my boo. Or if I was like, do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-do.

I don't even know. I'm going to walk out of the store with my boo-down. Yeah. I keep doing my move out. Because I hate wearing bras, and I wasn't wearing one. And it was just like, I mean, Jack, you hate wearing bras? Tell me smart.

I'm definitely. Wow. I'm definitely. I'm not one right now. Is that your question? I've learned so many things about you today. I just made eye contact with Jack's dad, and I feel weird right now. Is he here?

Oh my gosh, your dad's here? My parents are here. We're talking about her boots. Yep, no, kids are. Wait, hi Elena. Oh, my gosh, I feel so. All of our people are at the team like that. Kayla, can I ask something really quick?

Yeah. Elena, hey, babe. I dressed. Hi, Mom. I dressed myself today. Do you like this outfit or no? I literally said to Jack's mom, what is Kelsey wearing my friend? I knew you would hate this.

When I got dressed, I was like, Elena would never let me go like this. Why? Elena dresses me. Is my outfit terrible? I felt like I was going to church. Don't let Elena judge you. She's only judging you.

She's so harsh. I'm like, I think I'm going to church. Caitlin asked who made my pants, Elena. Yeah. But that I know so. I mean, we're glad to our souls. Oh, my gosh. Well, now I don't even want to ask you to confess.

No, Jack has so many good ones. Please tell us a good one. Oh, God. Your mom's, parents. What do I want? Yes. I have mine. I'm ready to your own.

Are you ready, Becca? Yeah. I mean, so many mine are poop, but you're not allowed to talk about poop. No, you can. You can. Actually, here's a good confession. It is about poop. I'm sorry.

That's okay, we like those. It's all I know. Okay, so I was at a nightclub in New York City. I'm 20 years old. I'm pretty hot. yes still are this is like 20 years ago okay just imagine this but way better

okay I'm hot I feel hot and I'm in a romper similar to when Jack is wearing you cannot wear a bra and I had to double stick tape like it was very gaping you know so I had double stick tape keeping in place I didn't even know what double stick

tape was when I was 20 I was ahead of my time you really were a pioneer if you will yes if you were a real pioneer Yeah. So before the club, I let a man take me out for a very nice steak dinner. I eat red meat like every leap year. Okay? So my stomach is not conditioned for red meat. So we're in a club. It's called Greenhouse in New York City. I remember Greenhouse.

Yeah. I used to go-go dancing. Yeah, it was hot and sweaty, and it was a good time. It's hot. It's like for the popular girls. We were. I was like, we were. We were. Okay. So I'm there and I go to the club.

It's like a group of us meeting up and the cute boy that took me to the steak dinner. And I'm sitting on a banquette and there's like an amplifier around me and there's a lot of base like kicking. And all of a sudden I'm like, the base is like in my throat. Turns out it wasn't the base. It was my bowels. how much are you talking like a lot okay so I look at my best friend I'm like hey I'm gonna go to the restroom

BRB and it's not to do cocaine so don't follow me so I go to the restroom and it's the kind of restroom where they know you're going in there to do cocaine so instead of stall doors it's like shower curtains so and there's a line so naive I'm like this is a thing yeah it's a thing so there's so Canadian in La Duke, Alberta and Canada

on your hat. So I go in, I wait my turn, there's a line out of the door to get into the bathroom. I go into my shower curtain and I take off my romper and it's, I'm nude

because you're moving. Yeah, so everything is around me. You're in a fucking romper. I'm in a fucking romper. It's a fucking rober. It's a fucking rober. I'm nude.

So I'm like in the plains of Africa, like the pictures you see National Geographic where the woman and her tics are resting on her thighs. So I'm there and I am just it's so aggressive

that I didn't give a f*** if I was in the middle of a club on a port of potty it had to come out. Yeah. So I do my thing. I do my damn thing. I realize the double stick tape only one use. So

my moves are no longer protected by the tape. I put my romper back on. boobs hanging out. I walk out of my shower curtain and the bathroom attendant looks at me and she goes, I know what you did in there. Every girl waiting in line, their face is like, there's like girls gagging and throwing up in the sink. It's me. Wow. It's always you, though. That's, it's, yeah. You know, like your delivery too? Like if you were just like, yeah, if you were just like, I had, like, this rocker a shit in it, and then you're like, oh, but the delivery really sold that story.

Thank you. Yeah. You should be an actress. Are you a teen choice-nominated actress? I may be. Are you in Hallmark movies? Oh my God, yes. Are you in the lady gang contest?

Yes, where's my Oscar? Most famous person in the world. Yeah, you're the most famous person in this room. Well, that was my confession about it. It was really good. It was always about food made. It's always about who you know what? That was a good one.

Thank you. Take it away. Okay, well, mine's more recent. How long has it been since my near-death car accident? Oh, yeah. Glad you're a year, by the way. Thanks. Glad to be here and alive.

Yeah. Survivor of a car ride. Okay, so, yeah, so for those of you who don't follow me on Instagram, which is like, shame on you. Ratio in this room, like, one to 500. You're missing out of great content. You're missing some real inspirational quotes. Anyway, so I was in a very,

bad car accident I totaled my car and anyway I do want to tell I haven't told you this and neither of you Jack and now the whole world I actually peed my pants in that car two days before my accident so I'm secretly happy I could total that car because I peed all over it and this is the second time I pete my pants um as an adult and the first time I was going down the highway and I had a dog and so I I brought the dog bag over my side and it used it as like a maxi-bag

That's actually really smart I'm going to I peed in the dog bed which saved the car Now this time my dog had died So I was all the one I got a dog

And I The girls know sometimes we'll be recording the podcast and not just for sweating. This has to be so bad. I'm officially old enough that literally on the podcast I talked about this and then poised the people who have to

for you. Lisa Renna is wrapped for me. They sent me underwear in the mail. I didn't tell you guys to see this. I did for the next time. Oh, yeah, you should get sponsors. I know. So anyway, I was in the car. I thought I could make it. You know when you started for at the mall and you're like, I got to shake a little, but like, I think I can make you.

Yes. Yes. No one? And when you're, like, in line at the ATM in your leg, I can make it. I totally know what you're talking about. Yeah. And then when you get past, like, 35, honestly, it all goes to shit. And you're like, your brain's like, I have to pee it.

And in the next moment, you're peeing. There's no warning. Great, I can't wait to turn 33. Anyway, oh, God, so bad. I'm getting closer to the meet your man's face. I peed all over the car, and it was one of those things like, okay, so you know when you pee, once you start, peeing, you can't stop.

I'm like, that is a myth So you don't do your heels Once you're like Once you have a stream going You can't stop When you start and you're like Wow I'm relieved a little bit for my bladder You can't like suck it back up

That's my whole question for a minute Yeah anyway They haven't been doing it. I peed a lot I peed in my jeans And then I was so embarrassed I had to run through the house So I was like Oh you're gonna go upstairs

But I really had pee pants And I'm so sad if my husband hears this He's not good here He doesn't listen to off the buying He does I'm a big fan Oh that's so nice We have a big fan

Very educational I feel so much smarter Well you're learning about women And how our brains work Has anyone else ever paid their pants So if any of you Bitches are not following me The six of you, that's so unfair

Tell us your Instagram at Kelsey. I'm so inspirational. Goodbye. I will say, I repost some of her quotes sometimes. Actually, this is a funny confession. I reposted one another day that you did, and it said, I'm a brutally soft woman. And then I reposted it, and everyone's like, what? And then I was like, yeah, wait, what?

I was like, I don't get it. Okay, so we have this new thing. We have a quickie episode, so it was the second episode every week. And in the beginning of every quickie, Kelty gives us an inspirational quote. and every week she reads it and every week Beck and I are like What? I don't get it I'm a brutally soft woman

Like you're really soft? Like no I'm a hard ass bitch who gets things done But like don't say that about me it hurts me Okay that is what I thought and that's me So you can dish it out but you can't take it Yeah I don't know actually that's Actually it's a character I definitely can take it and I do

But that's I thought it was like But like I'm a little senty What's the meanest thing anyone ever said about you? Um, that I deserve to die and go to hell and be chopped up in a dumpster. Damn. Are they here? Probably.

It might be. Definitely on the front row. Your jacket. Um, no, it's, I all, I all, uh, wow. I always wonder if I run into people and they're like, oh my gosh, can I take a picture? And I'm like, you probably hated me during my season because 98% of people did. Um, I loved it.

Okay, but you're like the 1% that didn't... Let's be real. You're like the only interesting bachelorette that they've ever... That was me fishing, so thank you. But I'm being honest. Well, thank you. Jack knows. Jack has not missed an episode.

Not missed an episode of The Bachelor. I feel like America loves their safe girl next door bachelorette. See, everybody thinks this season's born. Well, my social media said different during the season, okay? Jack, what's your fucking confession? Yeah. Okay. You're a troll.

Are you a troll online? To bachelor people? It was Jack who said you deserve a dumpster. She's like, are we going to sign Jack up for The Bachelor? Oh, yeah. How have you not been on that yet? Oh, I know one of it. Because I dated one of the producers?

Yeah. And by dated, that'll do it. Yeah, that'll do it. The executive. No, I don't. Nope, no, no, no. Do you have sex with him, yes or now? Oh, my God, her dad's here!

Sorry, Dad. Her dad knows. She comes to every event. It's like Jack's fan club, my dad. But that's so sweet. You're my biggest fans. I tell my dad all the time, please, Dad, don't listen to the podcast. No, I hope. Dad, you don't listen to our podcast, do you?

Yeah, no, he doesn't. Big supporter. So I'm sorry for this story. Honestly, Dad, we need you, too. We need the downloads, so if you could. Make it. Leave a rating and review, but don't listen. Do you guys want to know a fun fact? Yes.

I'm not subscribed to our own podcast that I just figured out. That's embarrassing. It's not really that. I'm not going to forget that. It's a sad fact. Yeah. Are you now? Yeah, I just started.

Okay. Today. I have one more subscriber. Woo! Okay, so my confession is... I'm honestly like, what the f*** jack? What? That's not cool.

I don't really listen to podcasts either other than... I hear you. I hear you. I literally listen to our own podcast six times. Just so we can get six extra down the most. I don't think that's how it works. Yeah, I can't listen to my own podcast because I just start critiquing myself.

Yeah, I can't listen to myself talking. Sean listened to Off the Mind? Yes, he is such a supporter. But he's also like, did you really have to say that? We've talked about this. Yeah. You asked me, you're like, has he got to the point where he's annoyed at what you say?

And I'm like, at the time, I'm like, no, I love it. Now he's like, really? Let's do the thing. Let's do the hot topic. Let's just do your... Let's do your... Let's do it happen.

No, that's full shit. Jack did not confess. Oh. Oh, my God. I'm going to make it fast. Thank you. I go to the bathroom right now. Peep breaks, dad.

Or pee your pants like healthy. He's not leaving. I will make this quite fast. So I was getting... I was getting gas the other day. I would drive a Jeep. I pulled up to the gas station. Got my gas pump.

Another Jeep pulled up right next to me, and if you drive the Jeep, you know that you have like a Jeep waves. You know, like, you acknowledge each other. Yeah, and you got to be cool about it, too. You got to be cool. Like, I see you in a, keep your hand on the wheel. This is making me very sad. What? This is making me very sad.

You need to aim higher in your life, Jack. No, we like to set the bar low so that we're like just away. Just wait. So this attractive man pulls up, like, across the gas pumps from me, and we're kind of looking at each other. I go to pump my gas and we're making eyes the whole thing and I go to pull my pump out when my gas is done. He walks up to me

I open the door and I accidentally kick out a f***-vibrator. Oh no! You carry a vibrator in your teeth? Tough times. Boy, I just purchased it and it also is tough times. By the way, everybody, I am single

If you have any eligible friends that want to date me, let me know. Yes, it's really sad. It's plenty of time in traffic. So it didn't work out for you guys? Did not work out. He never said a word to me and walked away. I think that is a great quality to find in a woman. Yeah, he should have been, like, good for you.

Yeah. I mean, I can take care of business when I have to. Yeah. The car. And it's a driver that you drive a jeep. Yeah. Wow. I'm kind of worried.

Mastramated in your comments. No, why he just bought it and it happened to be in my car? It was a whole, it's a whole other thing. She's saying that because her dad's here. That's the G-rated version. But that's a great confession. Thank you, Sharon. Thank you. Okay, you guys know I am all about that healthy lifestyle, healthy living, and I discovered ritual vitamins that are essential for women. Forget everything that you thought you knew about vitamins. Ritual is the brand that's reinventing the experience with nine essential nutrients that women actually. lack the most. It's vegan, sugar-free, non-GMO, gluten-free, and allergen-free. I've committed for the long term. Coming up on two months now, I always need to take my vitamin D and ritual is the first vitamin that I remember to take. If you're ready to invest in your health, do what I did

and go to ritual.com slash vine. Your future self will thank you for taking ritual. Consider it your lifelong health 401k. Why put anything but clean ingredients backed by real science in your body? Go to ritual.com slash vine. We'll be back with more off the vine with Caitlin Bristow. Guys, if you like this show, which obviously you do, check out shenanigans with Shea Shea every Wednesday on Podcast 1. Everyone's favorite from Vanderpump Rulstar as she shares juicy stories from behind the bar with amazing guests like Jasmine Good, Southern Charms, Shep Rose, and so many more.

Check out shenanigans with Shea at podcast1.com and Apple Podcasts. Also remember to rate and review. Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Allegedly what's the happening is a segment that we do on the lady game podcast. It's like hot topics. And so basically here's what happened when we're like coming down here today. Caitlin's like, yo, I don't know what we're going to do. Do you want to do one of your segments?

That's how I do podcasts. I'm just going. And I was like, sure, Caitlin, I will definitely research all the hot topics. and give you one of our well-organized segments for your life. But I thought it would be like mutually beneficial where then we can be like, wow, look how great the segment is, tune into Lady Gang, so you're welcome. Thank you, Caitlin.

Thank you, Pam. So, first topic. John Cena and Nikki Bella. Back together. Not back together. He said he would have that sacrifice to have a child for her, didn't me? Or did I just do that thing where I read the headlong? Aren't most men doing that?

Let's be serious. Okay, you know what I mean? I mean, like, who dreams of that life? Wait, I... Sean Booth. He does. He does. I know.

It's so annoying. Until he's there. Call me later. One baby and he'll be like, tell me later. Wait, I have a question, though. Aren't they actually back together? No, they were together?

Okay, here's what allegedly I know as an Emmy-winning entertainment reporter. Incredible. They were together, they were engaged. She went on dance with Star. She moved in with Artem. Her partner. It was sexual.

They broke up. She told me she had a red room at home with John Cena. I was like, I don't know. Then I asked him about the red room. He was like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like a sexual room. Like, a sexual room, like, 50-shunds great, yeah? What?

Then they broke up. Then I saw them at a premiere for his movie that was called Walkers, and they were like together. And then two days later, they called up the engagement. And then I just saw his sister, allegedly. Her sister, the other Bella, I can't remember her name right now. Bree? Brie.

And she was like, it's not. not black and white, they're just working on it, and that's where we're at. Right now, Jack. Wait, you asked about the red rooms? That's what she does her job. I said, what's the best gift, allegedly, that John Cena ever

gave you, and she said he made me a red room, like a sexual red room. She said it. She said it, and then in front of Ardom, but then I found out later that she was something fair. Allegedly, with Ardena, her dance, with the stars part, and that's why you can't go to dance in the stars.

I know. That's why I'm like, Sean, can't go on dancing with a star. You were fax. No way. No. Do we, but is not the reason why they broke up because she was cheating on him with the dancing? And the baby's an excuse? Allegedly, I don't know. But also, she wanted a baby who didn't want a baby. Now, it changes time.

No, that's a fundamental difference, and that's a whole different. They also have a TV show. Are they doing this for the TV show? Maybe. Also, I'm sorry. If you have an interest in a red room, you're not ready to be a parent. Great idea. You don't even know what marriage is if you want a red room.

come to marriage which is like sex once every six months like sleep in the shower you have 30 seconds put on a hair mask and you can make it happen Red room like what the don't be parents that's a great point

but also John Cena does not seem like he's very fun no because I also do you see it's like he is square as f*** oh my goodness I mean that's because he's done one you would that's why you have bad taste And that's why you have vibrators in your teeth, because you want a red room.

I don't want a red room. I think, I don't know if he seems fun, but I think he seems like a good guy, like a good partner. Big square-headed men with no person. I love him. Did you guys see the movie Train Rec with Amy Schumer? Yeah, it's all I picture of him having sex like that is so awkward. Oh my gosh, right? Yeah, I'm like, oh, no.

Okay, I've dated a guy in that movie. Hey, great first topic. Okay. Wait, you dated a guy with? You're not a movie. Who? Bill Hader? You'll never know.

Yeah, it's a Bill Hader because I weirdly find him so in front of him. Oh, no. He was so hot in that movie. I know. I was turned up. I'm in Bill Hairs'clock. I said he played a doctor. Like, let's not f*** around. It's because he was a doctor.

I don't know. My biggest celebrity crush is Paul Rudd. Oh, my God. Out of everyone. He's really short. Yeah. I used to have a crush on Andy's number. Oh, me too.

He did he's hot. Yeah, he is hot. Not in person. No, I saw him in person. I think he's hot. He left. camera at the restaurant I worked at. I was the hostess. I gave them back to him. And not all you gave it back to him. Like a disposed. Otherwise that would be a great story.

Um, no. Did you check out the pictures? I did. That's how I found out it was his. Yeah. It was just dumb pictures and then like playing around on bikes. It was when they were filming the movie, um, Hot Rod in Vancouver. Next topic. Uh, Megan Markle hung out with the queen. I don't care. This is why we picked that. topic, because we like that you guys don't care. I don't care. Not at all. Haley, you don't care. You're Canadian. We're part of the

Commonwealth. I know, and Jessica Mulroney, who was like her best friend. She just styled you. And I was like, I don't care. But here's a question. Caitlin, seriously, I want you to answer truthfully, like millions of people aren't going to listen to this. Did you think that Jessica Mulroney did a killer job styling Megamark on her wedding day?

Oh, did she have she styled her? I don't know. But did that dress fit? You know what? I loved being underwhelmed. I loved being underwhelmed by Megan Markel's dress. I was like, good for her. She knew to not show anybody up. She just took her classic beauty, and she was like, I don't care. I loved it.

Yep. Yeah. Are you going to do that? No way. You're going to be in a naked corset dress. Yeah, I'm like mini skirt, backless, a lot of cleavage. But I'm not Megan Markel. But I also, she then switched into her number two.

two dress. I was like, okay. Okay. Number two was great. We see you. It was way better. Okay, well, I was excited that Megan hung out with the Queen as part of the Commonwealth. Yeah. Were your parents crazy about the Commonwealth? No. Like, we had pictures of Princess Diana,

with our family photos. Oh, wow. Ken, Sheila, Matthew Peltie, Diana Charles, Harry Williams. What? Like, in the foyer. In the point of the house. Yeah. I mean, I remember, like, being really sad

when Princess Diana was gone and my mom was really sad. right we don't do that far now she looks cute today great topic now this person I don't know Kelsey made fun of me Priyanka Chobra

who's that Fonico should I know who that is she was at the wedding looking at mom I didn't watch the row living she's Miss India oh and she's hanging out with Nick Jonas

their dating wedding to her achiever he is Nick Jonas with a Okay He likes older women Does like older Oh is she older? She's older?

How old is she? She's 10 years older than him I think I have some great gossip on this topic But I don't want this just be the Kelty section You guys need it in the Kelsey section Tell us tell us to tell us to tell us to tell us to tell us it so you could talk about No I didn't I chose the top of job I chose the topsockheadlines on Usmagine.com

Oh I didn't even go to ETOnline.com Wow I took the toxic stories Pryanka Chopra But here's the thing So the other week My husband, I was in London

My husband texted me a picture of him and Derek Chris On a private jet at like 2 in the morning And I was like, what the fuck are you doing in Vegas? And he was like, I'm on Nick Jonas's private jet And I was like, Nick Jonas has a private jet Which leads me to believe And then I was like, oh well he's dating Priyanka And he was like, no, he was gloating about dating a princess

And then he has a private jet So Priyanka and him have been spotted at JFK. But, like, why are you all of a sudden flying Priyanka commercial when you have your own jet Nick Jonas? You're not so generous. You can't have a Devonado. The Jonas brothers and Jamilovato have a jet.

You should. Yeah, yes, that makes sense. You guys, we should all go in on a private jet. We can't afford it. We have to find, like, an old... We have to split our profits by three. you get everything yourself The jet's going to be a bow

And the boat is going to be like a paddleboard And we can all jump on It's going to be the southwest flight But But, Caitlin, we just get asked by Norwegian cruise lines To do a queer eye lady and cruise And honestly, we should be there

We could do it off the vine lady gang cruise And have dance parties And theme nights And queer eye? She's like, I don't give about that. I don't think we're going to say yes So it's just going to be a little. They're definitely never going to say us.

We need to, like, upload some, like, other people onto it that are not bad. Okay, fine, let's do it. We should do it, yeah. And not paint. How many of them on a cruise? Yeah. Night's bingo.

A show? And Caitlin do a tap dance? Oh, we could still do a tap routine. Oh, that's a great idea. So many buffels. I would be into the cruise. Honestly, I don't want to do a duet with you. You're better than me, but...

No, no, no, you are. I know that, but you're not. How was Broadway for you? It was great. We could do Zumba class. Oh, we can teach it. No, I'm not teaching it. No, Broadway was a dream come true.

I was just that it was six weeks and that we were hiring the tony's. During the summer, the last thing I want to do is spend time cooking. I'd rather be outside doing things. Isn't that what warm weather's for? But when your summer to-do list is all barbecues, outdoor bars, it's really hard to eat well. That's what I find anyways. And that's why I love Daily Harvest. It's a subscription service that makes healthy eating.

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and enter promo code vine to get three free cups in your first box that's promo code vine for three free daily harvest cups at daily dash harvest.com Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. No? You can't start with me. Oh so you're happy about this? Really happy for them. Jack is not happy. He's the S&L guy? He's the S&L guy. What have they known each other for like eight weeks? How embarrassing that they would get engaged stuff?

His ex-girlfriend is Ozzie David, who is Larry David's daughter, who I just feel near and dear to my heart, obviously. Did she have bad things to say about him? No, she hasn't said anything. She came back for a vacation, and then she was like, anything happened while I was gone? She was like, I've been in Africa. What's been happening?

Like her drinking a glass of. line, which I appreciate, because that's the right way to, like, deal with some shady as f***um. Yeah, they've been dating for, like, two weeks are engaged, and I think it's up. Pete Davidson is the ultimate gold digger. Can we all acknowledge that?

If he was a woman going from, like, you know, Larry David's daughter to Ariana Grande, who already came from a blow of money, people would be like, what a gold digger? He's a gold digger. And I commend him for that. Good for you. Like, let's say what it is.

What, because he doesn't make any money? I mean, not that kind of money. He's not that kind of money. He's in Esenel, so he's making money. S&L, they make like $3 and a Coca-Cola, okay? That's not Ariana Grande money. Is that what they make? They make not Ariana Grande money.

And also, Ariana Grande was really, really, really, really, really rich even before she was Ariana Grande. What? I think her family's in the mom. Yes. Her dad, my... What had happened was, allegedly, I heard. When she released her first album,

that, my way, or the way, or... Whatever it was. Whatever it was. Wrong way. Daddy. Daddy bought one million copies on iTunes with his million dollars, and that is what. It had charted, honey, allegedly.

Listen, she's very talented. Wow. She's talented. No, and listen, there are many people that have rose to fame from rich parents that suck. At least she's good. At least she's good. But Pete Davidson's good for you.

A page out of my book. Like, find the money. Snip it out. Find it. I don't want to work anymore. I think. But here's you think. Caitlin, we never thought you would last to you. Really? Nobody thinks any bachelor couples are going to last.

Yeah, I'll be doing that. They've known each other for like a month and a half and they're engaged. How long have you guys been together now? Three years. And I will have to say, we're talking about this in the car, and I'm like, we were not this. I commend the fact that you guys have been together so long and didn't just jump on the marriage train. You're getting to know each other, we love each other as a couple.

I'm like, this is my longest relationship, first of all. But I have a question, because instantly when Jack was like, I commend Kaylin for what she's done. I was like, well, I think it's because ABC hates Caitlin and they don't want to televise her wedding. Oh, they definitely don't want to televise my wedding. You don't want to tell them to televise your wedding. And we don't care about that.

We used to be like butt-heard about it, like not like, we want to tell why it's wedding we were like why haven't they asked now we're just like I actually don't I'm like I have no fucking time to get married like no time right now yeah we will and what's the big deal relationships are so hard why why am I in a rush to sign a paper to like say I'm married I don't get it to each their own and whoever does want to get married I'm down for whatever way you want to go but for me I'm like yeah I could use a green card I'm Canadian but like other than that I'm like see then you can be

concerned if I got married right away, because you'd be like, she's using him for a green card. No, and I just think because of the whole Bachelor culture, everybody's just assuming that you're going to get married, like within the year or within a couple. Well, here's the thing. If you get engaged, what's the natural question to ask a couple? When are you getting kids? That's when you get married. When you get engaged, the natural question is, hey, when are you getting married? So now it's just magnified because I was on TV, so now it's like every news outlet, every, like, person on the internet wants to know when you're getting married. and people are so invested because they were with us from the start. So I get it, but fuck off.

I get it, but I'm like, when we get married, that'll be right for us. When we want to start the planning, that's up to us. I'm just, like, getting a little over, like, when are you guys going to get married? I'm like, when do we want? And if we don't work out, which we will. Now you're probably at a point. That's up to us, too. Now you're probably at a point where it's so far gone that people probably stopped asking.

No. No? Kaelan, are you going to invite entertainment tonight for the exclusive of your way? Say no. No. If you go to fucking people. You can't be working right now. Just saying, if you go to fucking people magazine.

Does people pay? If it's a people magazine cover, I'm going to die. You do all the bachelor people. No, people magazine pays. They pay a lot of money. Oh, then yes, I will be going to them. Yeah, good for you. You don't pay because we're a real news.

out. Oh. I'm wasted. I love that you're wasted. Peltie. Kalti. Kalti. Why do you drink? I had two drinks. Why are you going to use such a late-waxin? Because I'm so retentive that when I drink, I lose enough. I feel nothing. I have to cue and wine. I'm like, nothing. Um, the next topic, Caitlin.

The next thing we're going to do is just a little Q&A to wrap. That was all the topics? Oh, shit. Yeah, T-D for a... No, sorry, there's one more. Kate Hudson, your BFF, says she once drunkenly face-timed every man from her past. Some of today are something I would do. Yeah, who's done that?

Oh, not many. You liars. No, I just, I... And this was actually funny because it was the first Lady Yang episode we ever had. I got wasted one night and texted every single guy that I dated high, period.

So when I woke up the next morning, I woke up and looked at my text messages and they're all from me going out, just hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, 30 now. No, you've dated 30, guys. Oh, that's a good statement. I did, too.

In, like, a short amount of time. It was great. So am I. Yeah, I can't imagine texting them all, though. I know, it's not fun. Yeah. Who is your runner-up? Nick V. Nick Viola.

Yeah. I know, I know. But can we just say, can I just say that he changed? It was like, I talked to him, but I was like, he seems really interesting, blah, blah, blah, blah. You don't know anybody. Everyone saw on TV, like, her connection with Sean. But they're telling me behind the scenes, like, behind the scenes. like I don't think Sean's your guy

so I'm being manipulated so I'm being manipulated so they were pushing you to Mick yes so then that's how it happened so then and I think these producers are like family so I'm like right out maybe you're right I don't know so I'm like confused but the more I got to know him the more I was like no no you're not my guy but obviously they loved the

battle and it was good TV and was there anyone else that season where you were like unrequited love. Who would I really like that? Who were you for? Ben Biggins, Nick, and Jared. Does Ben Figgins look like Josh Groven?

Is that who I'm thinking of? No. Josh Grobett once Moody called me at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in Los Vegas before I am. Allegedly. I've matched with Josh Groven on a dating app, so... Oh, shit. I say we add this a little Q&A.

Do people out in the crowd? Are you guys getting bored or what's going on? I feel like you're getting quiet. Oh, they just turn the lights up. Okay, who is the question? Yes, you're in the overalls. It's time. Those are not overalls.

I'm drawn. No, it's a denim shirt. I feel like you guys would have really good, worst day ever stories. Could be here. Sure do. I do. I do. I do it.

I have a really great day story. No, like, they're Melbourne really great. Fulmin good? I've had one bad one, but I've told it on my podcast that some guy took me to a gay bar and ordered potato skins, yeah. That's weird. It's weird.

It was daytime. Like, it was dark, it was weird. Yeah. It was weird. You part with potato skins. Yeah. Potato skins are delicious. On Gay Street.

Gay Street. I'm not mad at potato skins, but it was like, I don't know. Did you go out with him again? Mecca, what's your worst day? Oh, my God, this is long, but I won't make it long. No, you've got a great story short. Okay, all right.

So I'm living in New York, I'm, like, living on the Upper West Side, I go out for a drink on the pier, living my best life. I meet this really cute guy. And, you know, when you're in your early 20s and every guy you meet, you're like, oh, my God, you can totally be the father of my child. He's not going to be, okay?

So we meet him, and he's like, the first, like, grown up, you know, like, with a job and, like, successful. I was like, this is him. This is it. So our first date, we go to a wine bar, and we have a few drinks, and his friends, like, own it, which is, like, so chic. I love knowing people who own the establishments that I'm in, okay? Something about me that's fun. So I'm there. We're drinking, and then he walks me back to my apartment, and I'm like, I'm not going to hug up with him because I want to, like, date him, you know?

I'm going to pretend to be a lady So he brings me home First time for everything Pretend Exactly He takes me home He's like do you mind if I like use your restroom I was like totally that's fine

He uses the restroom One thing leads to another and we start making out He it's a but in my mind I'm like I'm not going to take an item of clothing off Because I want him to take me seriously as a woman And like wife material A idiot that I am Okay so we're making out

Our shoes are on, okay? Shoes are still on. Wow. Yeah, shoes are on, we're on the couch. And he keeps trying to do more things and more things. I'm like, no, no, no. Like, I'm so shy. Meanwhile, I've had sex with like 800 people by now.

I'm like, oh, my God, I don't know. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. It's my first, it's weird. It's my first make out. We're making out, and suddenly, I feel some motion. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening?

and I'm making out with him and I opened like one eye and he's his penis is out of his fly yeah and he's jerking off he's jerking up this grown man with a successful business is jerking off on my couch and my shoes are still on so then I'm like in my mind I'm like well clearly he's a psychopath

because this is not normal so I'm thinking of what I should say what I should do in the time I'm moving to In the meantime, while I'm thinking of how to get this sociopath out of my apartment. But that's semen. No! On my neck and down my chest.

My shoes are still on. Seamin everywhere. What? Was he embarrassed? Not at all. What? Not at all. He really felt

great. He was comfortable in my one bedroom that I shared with two other women. Yeah. I have no. Suddenly my podcast

seems so tame. Like, I'm like, I gotta step up my stories and my confessions. Sorry. Thank you. That is my go-to-say. Tighten up your tight-tend-up.

Wow. T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T. Wow. Take your shot. Take a shot. Shot, shot, shot, shot. Shot, shot. Good try, I don't fall for pee of my bedroom.

Actually, last live podcast, I went to drink my microphone, and that's how drunk I was. I was like, that's the way that you always should be, by the way. I just about went, oh my God, I just about it. See, I'm doing it. Don't force me to show. She's crushing it.

Okay. Is that done? This came in, and then it was over? I'm a happily married lady now. No more see you. I hope you're, I hope he doesn't listen to my podcast. The ring is gorgeous. Thank you.

Yeah, your ring is gorgeous. I did so much for it. I earned it. Caitlin's also beautiful. I wonder what she is. I just slept with. of you guys to get it. You, Neil Lane and Sean Bain.

I'm just kidding. I did nothing for it. Nothing. They were like, what kind of ring do you want? I was like, I'm fucking no. Like, I had never thought about it. Yeah. You didn't even tell them anything that you wanted for your head.

I didn't even know what cushion cut meant. I still don't. I think that's what that is. So funny, and I drew like a 3D image. What are you thinking for a ring? I'm like, oh my God. I'm so glad you asked. Here, let me bring this 3D clay figure.

Accidentally molded at pottery bar, and painted. That's what they laughed at me. They were like, you're the first person that didn't know what she wanted. And I was like, I don't even know what it means. And they said that Andy Dorfman was like, she wanted this height, this place, that she did, this, everything. And I was like, I have no idea.

I don't even know what that means. I just want Sean to pick it out. Ew. I know, I really do. But you're engaged. Amby is not. Hi. No comment.

Some good tequila. Pardon? Thank you. She deserves it. I shot and the ring. But if you guys break up, you have to get back that ring, right? No, she doesn't.

No, she happened for longer than six months. No, it's two years. Actually, you know what I should do? I should do a dramatic rating of my contract one day. It'll take like 37 hours. Oh, my God. I found my contract on my computer the other day, and I was reading it, and I was like, holy shit.

Oh. It's just got so funny. It actually said in one paragraph, you may, oh, they were like fancy, like, legal words, but then it went into, like, oh, I just made eye contact with a dude. And I was like, oh, you're really close. It said, like, will you know the contract? It was like, you will. I didn't really ever have to re-look at mine.

It's what kind of freedom. If you don't make it past the first 24 hours, this is Nullet Boyd. I remember signing it with like, I was actually like, I went on a few dates with the guy before going on the show, like laughing on The Bachelor. I was going on a few dates and he like went over the contract with me and we were like laughing. I'm sure you're still laughing. He's definitely not like that. You've got my wife. God damn it.

It's actually a rough go for him. But he was like, he was like, ha-ha, like imagine. I was like, that's crazy. I would never get, like, fall in love on The Bachelor. Anyways, and I remember signing it, and it was like, you could potentially, like, suffer from, like, depression and anxiety.

Desicidal thought. Yes. It was bad. And I'm just, like, initialing the shit out of every page. Like, I don't care. I'm sure. And it's the same, like, thing for the, for the, actual, like, lead contract.

Like, it was, like, you will suffer, like, mental illness is a possibility. Emotional distraughtness. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I'm like, I'm going to be selling fake tummy tea in two seconds. Never done it. Never done it. We have. We definitely have.

Sugar bear hair, I've done it. I actually, I was like, now I'm not doing sugar bear hair. Then I actually worked, so. It works. I ate it for six months. Yes, he has done it. It's folic acid, and it's delicious. I'm pretty sure the same thing as pre-native

vitamin. It's so good. I'm not even doping. I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. Hey, I'm stop talking and not being paid. Anyways, this is not an ad. Maybe it is an ad. Oh, we had two years. So if I kept it, who asked that? Oh, don't take...

Hold on. Hold on. Hold the damn phone. Yeah. Aaron and Sarah Foster were on our podcast. The Lady Gang, please subscribe. And they said The most dangerous thing women ever do is they say just before their sentence. Like, I'm just emailing up on my email, just following up to see if you've gotten a chance.

Don't you ever say just again? It's the me, bitches? You aren't you. Who said it? It's me. Right here. Hey! I am emailing you now because I want to know the answer.

That's a great point. Don't use the J word. I like that. I didn't even know that, right? And I was like, don't say just me. That's on the Broadway show I did. The lady who's the investor's wife, she was like, everybody was introducing themselves.

And she's a powerful woman, and she has money. And she's like, I'm just his wife. And I was like, no. What? Yeah. And I was like, no, no, no, you are not. And I spoke up, good for you. Thanks.

Hashtech, we're a bunch of feminists up here. So you're serious. Feminist A-ha. Damn it. who excuse me she just had a question oh my god I just did the thing there's this comedian there's a comedian that makes fun of drunk girls

and he goes this is how they always sound excuse me and I just did it I was like who is a microphone shiz me excuse me but seriously who she wanted to know about the contract with your ring oh oh I didn't ask for that two years I don't know

they were like you can keep it for two years if you guys break up before that How do you get that to? Neil Lane, you're like, it's like so depressing. Could you imagine the exchange that you're like, God damn it? Yeah, it's got to be the worst. I actually, this, I was sweetly ran with the story the other day, I was like, I want to take off my ring, and they're like,

Oh, no, I do. Hear me out. They were like, how's wedding planning going? And I was like, backwards, and then I went, oh, there's the headline. It's going back back And the ring us off I was like damn it Because Sean wants to repurpose again

And he Because we were like When we got engaged I'm like Look some other guy Just proposed me 30 seconds before this This is not the most romantic thing We're going to make it romantic

But then you're going to do it again And so he was like I'm going to do it again So now I'm like I want to be like Give it back So he can like call it out one day But is he going to do in like a surprise

situation Yeah Like you're going to know. No, I don't want to know. That's the whole point. So you have to give the ring back for a while? I mean, like, yes, and I don't know that. Every girl out here.

We have things to say. Every girl out here who's in there, like, going on three plus years with their boyfriend, and they're like, where's my fucking ring? Not me. They want to murder you, right? I know, but that's not me. It ain't me. I'm like, I don't, I know that's crazy, but I'm like, I'd rather go on a really nice vacation by a home.

Right. I'm like, this doesn't mean anything. Anything to me except that it's like a lot of money on my finger and I'm very irresponsible. Like I honestly don't give a shit about the ring. I'm like, give it to me when you're ready. Sell it. I thought about it. Let's sell it right now. We're starting to the middle.

Turning to an auction. No, I would. I would. And I would get a tattoo instead and buy a house. It's that time again. Useful car tips from Caitlin. Was that cool or nah? Here's some useful car tips that you might not be aware of. a coffee filter and a little bit of olive oil can clean your interior. Removing excess weight from your car will improve gas mileage, and you can place your key fob under your chin to increase its range. Here's another tip you also might not know about. TrueCar also helps people get

used cars. That's right, True Car is not just for buying new cars. With their certified dealer network and nationwide inventory of nearly one million used cars, you will enjoy real pricing on actual inventory and a simpler buying experience, whether you buy new or used. And with True car, users can see what others paid so they know if they're getting a good deal before buying. They are also more likely to enjoy a faster buying experience by connecting with True Car certified dealers. So when you're ready to buy a new or used car, check out True Car and enjoy a more confident car buying experience. Isn't that what everybody wants? Some features not available in all states.

Okay, Lady Gang, where can we find you? Tell us your Instagram. Don't worry about it. Okay. You're like, you're like, you never know. Peace. Like, Becca. Honestly, do you want to stay friends with me? Let's not. Okay, follow us at the Lady Gang. Yeah.

Subscribe with the Lady Gang podcast. I have new episodes every Tuesday and cookies on Thursday. You can follow me at Kelty at Becca because we have one-name Instagrams because we're that popular. Oh, listen, I'm going to have a one-name Instagram. Oh, settle down. You got an underscore which says a lot about your comments. No, she doesn't. That's not her.

You follow me too, you bitch. Did you hashtag? Jack underscore Venn. No. What other Jack Fanix are there? None? Yeah. I'm just not thinking. I follow you. They're really great content. Everybody's really funny and they've got a great podcast

and I'm so happy. I'm pleased for the love of God, tune into our e-show coming this fall. Please, I'll love of God in spite of our behavior tonight. And on that note, can I please make an appearance? Yeah. Okay. Do you want to be one of our celebrities? I'm not a celebrity. I can't promise that right now.

I'm like an old washed-up reality. star. If Sarah Jessica Parker says no, we're definitely calling you. Yeah, I'm next on the list. Next on the list. Did you guys have on our B list of guests to ask after the guests we want? I'm D-Lens. I'm saying. Who had a good time tonight?

Do you feel like you got your money's worth? That's such a little question. I know. As soon as I said it, I was like, please cheer. I'm like, I don't really do. You're going to get a lot of comments on your Facebook or Instagram or wherever you talk to these people. And they're going to be like, oh, my God, next time, did you not have the lady a fucking game? No, they will not.

I came to see Caitlin from Off the Vine, not the lady game. No, so we're sorry. Here's the thing. I was not prepared to know what are these signs for? Oh. Have and never? Oh, whatever. So you did prepare.

Not a play, except for the fact that there's never, I have. Yeah, under there. You just don't never and then have. Okay, let's do one. We're going to do one. Ready? Hand them out. Okay.

I'm ready. Okay. Do you know the question you're asking? No. I really don't. My question right now, or actually, my never have I ever is, I have never been kicked off the bachelor. I have.

It's a terrible day for me. I feel so good about this answer The first part about my getting kicked off is that I was wearing a gold metal headband and had a one feather earring and then I was crying I don't know why I was crying This is 4 in the morning and you're so fucking tired Everybody wonders why people are crying when they get sent home on my line

You're so tired It'll be torture Yeah it'd be weird if you weren't crying Sure, okay now you ask I never have to have Do I have to have never or have? You know what my favorite thing about you is? What? Probably not everything.

Everybody knows that I'm a huge family guy and your name has been on a family guy episode for it. Yeah, nudie's getting leaked to the internet. Never have I ever had nudies leaked to the internet. Google it. Oops. My vagina is on the internet. She looks good.

As much as my attorney has true. tried and tried. It's entering your body forever, Becca. Becca, your vagina's hot. Thank you. It'd be weird if it was like terrible, but it was pretty good. It was fine. It was sexual because it was themed.

It was this holiday themed. You have a nice hat on. It was Christmas tree. It was like a rush-hury booty, not furry badge. Yeah. But also, at least there was a picture that you sent. Imagine if it was like, yeah. I mean, you're like, I don't think it's a bad nudie.

But it was like a four face-toe. You know what I mean? It was before the time. You could have been like, my waist could have been like, my nipples would have been like, you know what I mean? Your waist and your nipples are perfect. Yeah. I'm crazy.

Never have I ever bitten my toenail and ate it. What do you mean? I'd bit my toenail and never ate it. And you bit your toenail with your mouth? Yeah. Wait, never have I ever bit my toenail? own toenail in my mouth. Okay, we need something better

put your foot in your mouth. We actually did today. Today? Yeah. Was it this toenail? You bit that? You put your foot in your mouth and bit your toenail off.

Yeah, after two hotel rooms and no shower. That is my actual nightmare. I have a great immune system and that's why really built up the tolerance. Guys? That's a wrap.

Yeah, we're done with that. We got to end it on a high note, you know? That could have been my confession. We love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out to the show tonight. Sometimes, sometimes, I'm not emotional, but sometimes I get emotional when I, like, look out on an actual crowd of women and men. And I, like, see support and people who just share the same weird f***ed up thoughts as me, and I'm like, I've made it, mom. So, thank you so much for coming out and for being part of my weird messed up tribe. Oh, okay.

I love you guys so much. I definitely, definitely stole this from the Lady Gang podcast, but I'm Caitlin Bristow and I'll see you next. You'll see you next. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on Podcast 1.com, the podcast 1 app, and subscribe. on Apple Podcasts.

Who's not with OTV? Off the Vine's sponsor review for this Tuesday, my birthday! Walt Disney, plan your next magical getaway today. Really should have done that for my birthday, actually. Daily Harvest, get three items free in your first box, daily dash harvest.com with promo code Vine. Ritual, invest in your health. Go to ritual.com slash Vine.

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