Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Lo VonRumpf: Rotting in prison with my BFF

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

Lo and Kaitlyn take their BFF status to the next level by revealing what they would and wouldn’t do for each other in a life altering situation and that sometimes it means understanding that you would left to rot in a prison while the other person goes on to live life to the fullest. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn continues to make decisions for Lo which leaves him questioning his sexuality as he stares into the big blue eyes of little Judy. It’s an episode filled with endless laughs, Alanis Morisette, finding the lids to tupperware containers, and 'How Do You Proceed' with some disgusting and awkward Uber, re-gifting and inappropriate yawning questions. Kaitlyn shares the story about the most violating moment she’s ever experienced that was actually “worth it” and then the listeners who are still there for the credits at the end get a little something extra. You can find Lo VonRumpf on IG at @stylelvr MATCH - Are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and are not afraid to say it, download Match. ADORE ME - Shop intimates now on AdoreMe.com. JENNI KAYNE - Find your forever pieces at jennikayne.com and get 15% off your first order when you use code VINE at checkout. PROGRESSIVE - Get a quote today at Progressive.com. QUICKVUE - Pick up a QuickVue® At-Home OTC COVID-nineteen Test over-the-counter from your local retailer or visit QuickVueathome.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

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So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. This week's Off the Vine is sponsored by Match. Are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and are not afraid to say it, download Match. Adormy Shop Intimates Now on Adormy.com Jenny Kane, find your forever pieces at jenicane.com and get 15% off your first order. when you use code Vine at checkout.

Progressive, get a quote today at progressive.com, and QuickView. Pick up a QuickView at Home, OTC COVID-19 test over the counter from your local retailer or visit QuickViewat Home.com. Okay, Vine knows, before we get into this week's episode, let's take a quick minute to talk about something very important in many of our lives, and that's dating. You've probably heard that American singles have spoken, and guess what, being hot is out and being emotionally mature is in. That's what I like to hear.

Okay, but for real, Matches' annual survey found that for the first time, in more than a decade, emotional maturity ranks higher than physically attractive on singles' priority lists. So pre-pandemic being attractive was actually number one, and now it's all the way down to number eight. So it's safe to say emotionally mature adults are the new sexy. There's nothing sexier in my book than dating someone who has truly got their shit together. You know, someone who starts their day before 11 a.m., sometimes. whose bedroom fantasies include getting a full eight hours of sleep and who is down to run errands with you in place of a fancy date, okay? I found someone who will even pick up dog poop for me.

Ooh, that's sexy. So are you guys ready for something more? If you know what you want and you're not afraid to say it, download match. And now messaging your top matches is free. Happy dating out there, Vinos. Hey, everybody, you're listening to Caitlin Bristow's podcast, Off the Vine. Take it away, Bree. Wine.

Lots of wine. Hey, be on the mic, turn it up, let's go. Hey, ramen, Pino, ready for the show. Everyone's welcome, so come on in because OTV, it's about to begin. Hey. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. I don't think a month of Off the Vine episodes is complete without this person anymore.

He's the lid to all of my Tupperware containers, when you can find them, that is. And even though he said he wouldn't take the fall for me if we were ever in the movie broke down palace and facing a life in Thailand prison? I still love them more than words because I feel the exact same way. And I too wouldn't take the fall for him either. And we're both very, very okay with that because we've got lives to live. Okay, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's low, tit for tat, regifting comebacks, questioning his sexuality, every lyric of Alanis Morcette at the top of our lungs, and letting each other rot in a prison. All in the name of the Best Friendship Conversation right here on this week's Off the Vine episode with Lowe.

Pretty? Yeah, now we're recording. Yeah, you make the decision. Whenever I make a decision, Lowe gets a boner. Sure do. What is that? The reason why I love when you make decisions for me is because it's like you're calling the shots. I feel like in my life, I always have to make decisions and,

sometimes they can get a bit heavy I'm pretty decisive that's one of my strong attributes is you are decisive yeah I when I even if I make the wrong decision yeah I'm like all right I did the wrong thing but here let's just write it to the wheels fall off you lean in

lean into it when someone like you comes through and just bosses up and just orders orders food for me oh my God I question everything sexuality where I am in life who I am everything because you're so sweet with that side of you is, I love it.

Thank you. Yeah. I love every side of you. Cheers. Cheers. Midday white wine, 3.30 p.m. It's your last day in Nashville. I'm really sad.

I'm really sad. Sad to say goodbye, but hopeful. I have hope because you're going to be in L.A. very soon. I'm going to see you a lot. Yeah. I'm coming to L.A. in literally like three days. So for anyone listening, I'm going to be in L.A. rehearsing for the dancing with the stars tour have you got your tickets yet sure oh wait are you

that's a question for the audience yeah yeah for the listeners yeah go to dwts tour dot com see if i'm coming to a city near you oh you're going to be hitting a lot of those cities uh you know what i right now mentally i feel very clear because of the organization that's been going on in this house the last three days on one today i feel like i'm nesting like i'm pregnant and the baby's coming and I'm just nesting around the house. Like I decluttered the shit out of everything. I got rid of literally Jason was like, can you ask me before you throw any of my stuff out?

I was like, nope, cutthroat. We're getting rid of everything. All of your little VIP around the neck passes from football games. Out. Like, why do we just take a photo of it? Yeah, I notice some people like to hold on to stuff like that. I'm, I am, I will say, I'm kind of a hoarder myself,

but then I go through. Massive cleaning phases where I am cut through and throw everything out. Yeah. You're ready to be a minimalist. But I'm sentimental with certain things. Like I have a certain box dedicated to all just cards that means something to me that people have written me. Oh, okay. I'm in the same boat.

That's how I am too. I'm not keeping lanyards. I'm not keeping VIP passes. No. But cards, stuff that has special meaning. Yeah. Special meaning stuff I'm going to hang on to. But letting go of stuff, it does something to your brain.

It makes you feel amazing. Yeah. Like the amount of cords I've had, like I don't even know where they go and paper clips. Why do I have so many paper clips? Yeah, why do you? I don't know. Have you used one of them? I had like 80.

What are those? I had like 80 friggin Tupperware bins with no lids. Get rid of them all. What does your Tupperware drawer look like at home? My tupperware. It's probably so organized. It is. Yeah.

Yeah. And here's the thing. I ended up buying. I had a shitty one. It was filled, which is all mix and match, and I hated it. And then I went to IKEA, actually. And I just bought a bunch of those glass ones with the bamboo lids. Yeah.

They're so pretty. I think it was like $3.99. Glass ones with bamboo lids? That sounds nice. They're so close. Yeah, I have them all stacked up, ready to go. Oh, wow. And that's all I use are glass.

I don't have any plastic anymore. Okay. Not because, I mean, I do care about the earth, of course. But mine was just more aesthetics. It's beautiful in Nashville, and I'm happy to be here. And you get to have a crossover with Mama Bee. Oh, that's huge. You know what?

I've been wanting to meet your mama for a long time. I hate that it's for like an hour. I know. It actually makes me sad because you would make her belly laugh so hard. The things that you say, your humor is right up her alley. Match made in heaven. Well, she's a version of you. You came from her.

I did. Yeah, Mama Bristow. I have a question for you. Hit it. Who are you the most envious of in life? Like, fictional or real? And why? there she is Diane Sawyer hit it let's not forget where we're at you have a producer literally just messaging you right now they're in my ear I've been in here oh my god you know I've actually that's a good question because I've I've struggled with especially with Instagram envy jealousy and I used to hate feeling that way envious or jealous that doesn't do anything good for you it's a toxic feeling it's a toxic feeling it's a

It is a toxic feeling. It could be depleting. It makes you feel worthless, like shit. Yeah. Sure. It's a thief of joy. A thief of joy. He sure is.

Beautifully said. But now I actually kind of press into jealousy. And I actually love it. And I... Did you let it inspire you instead? I do. I take jealousy and I'm like... Okay, so you ask me who?

Who am I jealous of? Or not jealous. Like, even if they're fictional or like in the top of your field. And let's say it's not a bad thing to be envious of them. Because stylist-wise, I'm killing the game. I'm happy. No, I'm jealous of how well I'm doing for myself. I'm jealous of me.

Now, can you imagine? I just have no self-reflection at all. I can't complete narcissist. You know, I want to say, like a Rachel Zoe. Oh, yeah, she's phenomenal. That's a good one. She's been in the game for a long time. Yeah, and she's so pleasant.

She's so pleasant. And I guess I don't even want to say envious and more I admire her. But the things that I feel like, you know, what I would be jealous of, I kind of lean into him and I'm like, I get inspired like you said. I like that. That comes with age, I think. Yeah, it comes with age for sure. And so now I'm like, okay, well, because there's certain stylists that are basic on the

East Coast and they have, you know, like a penthouse or whatever, like something like that on the East Coast. That is not something I'd be jealous or envious of because I don't want to live on the East Coast. That's not the life that I want. Yeah. But Rachel, with her family in L.A., you know, doing her thing. She's podcasting now, too.

So, yeah, I'm inspired by Rachel Zelle. I like that low because when I said it at first, I was like, it's kind of a weird question. Why does my brain work like that? And then I was like, but that could, I like the way you spin zone that from a negative to a positive and talk about who inspires you. Because one time I'll never forget a shift in my brain. I was in a dance class.

And this girl I was always jealous of. She was so good. She was always at the front. She was always so beautiful. She never dripped a drop of sweat. And I'd be over there like a little drowned kitty. Yeah. Just trying to keep up on the back being insecure.

And I'll never forget. I went up right beside her one time. And I was like, instead of being jealous, I'm going to just like try and match her energy. I'm just going to like go as hard as she does in the dance and I'm not going to care. I'm going to go in the front row. And I almost felt more competitive in like an inspirational way instead of. feeling jealous and I was like hey that was a pretty good feeling did you end up becoming friends with her yeah her name's Lauren hey Lauren you're listening to this she's probably not

Lauren Patelina yeah yeah wow yeah so it went from jealousy to inspiration and there you go you're killing it yeah center stage yep then she went on Jesus Christ Superstar oh great musical I know sorry about that random question I just no I needed it it was good just anyone you're feeling jealous or envious of right now fictional or real i'm so glad you asked april o'neal who the hell's that april o'neill with the ninja turtles she just hangs out with the ninja turtles all the time what eats pizza hot megan fox played her and the ninja turtle oh yeah yeah okay april o'neal i get that that'd be cool oh you know what else i'm jealous of who very specific character uh it's something's got to give diane keaton uh and she plays oh i love her erika berry which is a

fictional character at any Nancy Myers film my god Caitlin that's why I like visiting you because I feel like I'm in a Nancy Myers movie why the way you live your life queen what I tell everyone tell him share it I was like let's make it about me what did I do I forget we we watched are talking about watching dancing with the stars we watched all of my dances from Dancing with the Stars twice from the top and then and then We've started watching YouTube videos about like the life of Caleb Ristow. And then the next morning, I was like, wow, I'm really sorry. I just made everybody sit through videos of myself all night last night.

It's all good. I had a great time. Anyways, I enjoy it. I like watching you dance. But I like being in your home because any Nancy Myers film, you'll notice they have beautiful flowers. It's a great home. It's warm. It's cozy.

It's clean. And it just feels like you're in a movie. And when I hang out at your home, it feels like that. Oh, I love that. There's always fresh flowers. feels just beautiful and cozy and there should be like, I don't know. What's his name? Who's that the guy that always

does soundtracks? Oh, I know exactly Steve Terrell. Oh, is that? Oh, that's not what I was thinking. Oh. I was thinking Sparks, Nicholas Sparks. That's a movie. That's a... Author? I don't know. He does all the romance and stuff. Something like that. But I feel like

this house has become, well, it's always been my sanctuary, but I've realized how mentally, mentally, what's the word I'm looking for? Healthy? Yeah, it's keeping you grounded. When I come home and I keep it clean and fresh flowers and bright and candles

and everything that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Oh, that's what I'm going to play next time you walk inside my house. This is what I play in my head as I come through the door. Folks are blessed who make the best of every day. I need to buy a grand piano. Yeah. Just sit there and play.

That's from Father of the Bride. Oh, I love Father of the Bride soundtrack. So Nancy Myers, director, iconic queen. She did Father of the Bride, something's how to give, as good as it gets. There's so many movies she's done a lot with Diane Keaton. Anyway, I feel like I'm in a Diane Keaton film when I'm here, and I'm loving it. I feel like I'm honestly going to buy a grand piano. Yeah, throw a turtleneck on.

Yep. And live your dying Kate in life. And just set the mood lighting. And then anytime someone comes in, I'll learn one song. Oh. One song on the piano and I'll be like, hello.

Welcome. It's beautiful. Welcome to my home. You are going to be that character from S&L. Don't make me sing. Oh, shit. Don't make me sing, okay? No, what is that one TikTok we're going to do?

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I woke up, congested with a sore throat from singing my titties off. Sure did. I was singing with you. I love Alanis. Jason was scared. I don't even think Jason knows who Alanis is. His brother literally created a whole marketing strategy and worked with all the people of Jagged Little Pill of Broadway. And Jason was like, isn't it iconic?

Don't you see? Yeah. Yeah, that's not his music genre. No. Well, it is. Jason just loves a good Dave Matthews band. He loves Dave Matthews. Loves Dave Matthews and loves a musical, which I love about him.

Yeah, I do too. But not a fan of Alanis. But also, we were singing very aggressive Alanis and Orsette songs. Oh, I've never sang with more passion in my whole career of singing. At one point, you started crying. Yeah. Just tears. That's just screaming the lyrics at Jason.

I was like, what was the one lyric? I screamed at him. I was like, uh, it took a long, hard look at my ass and then played golf for a while. Yeah, yeah. And he always passed me on the head. I'm like, you sing it's like a fish. Yeah.

You pat me on the head. You take me out of wine, 969 me, and don't hear a damn word I say. Yeah. yeah he was terrified he almost got out he almost he opened the car and wanted to roll out while it was going on the highway okay five were in my cul-de-sac foot still he wanted out he wanted out and I'm paying for it today he asked me this morning is it was it was it was it really was yeah sure was to have a good Alanis moment I realized that I'm a feminist I said that last night I was like I used to listen to onus morcette from morning till night and now that i listen to her lyrics i'm like well no wonder i hate

all men you gave me a little fun fact i didn't realize one of those songs you'd said was about the fuller house or fuller house dude yeah um uncle joey dave coolier yeah his name because she dated him and then she i don't know what happened he obviously cheated and she wrote um what's the one where She's like, did you go down on you in a theater? Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity. I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. There was a slap in the face and how quickly I was replaced. And are you thinking of me when you fuck her.

God, it's good. Yeah. Because I know that you're left. Yeah, so good. Proud Canadian, and we love Alanis in this house. You should get her to come on the podcast. Can you imagine? Yeah.

I'm sure she's so down. Really? She's someone who I think would love to support not only women, but Canadian women. Yeah, you haven't reached out to her yet? I should reach out to Celine Dion while I'm at it. Okay. Justin Bieber, Ryan Reynolds. Yeah.

Ryan Gosling. Hit all the Canadians. Out of all of them, who would be your dream guest, number one? of Canada's finest. Oh God, Celine Dion is up there with Justin Bieber. Yeah. Probably the Beebbs, though. You rather have Justin Bieber for an interview than Celine Deon.

I just feel like Bebs and I would really hit it off in like a buddy, best buddy BFF forever kind of way. Like I really, like I hope he never hears this or gets wind of this. But I have dreams. Really? Yeah, like reoccurring. What's happening in these dreams? I'm just like, he like trusts me and I'm as like, bro. and I like help him in situations that he's like and he knows I'm never going to like cross a line because I know my boundaries and I'm happy with Jason no it's never sexual oh no do you find him attractive hell yeah oh all right yeah fair enough I do don't you I'm not really indigested Bieber I'm not too much of a little boy do you like more manly yeah and I I'm not he's blonde and he's I don't know he's just he's like a little man to me I don't

no i'm not into it he's hot he's just not my cup of tea look i think he's only my cup of tea because he's jesson beber yeah yeah i actually i'm into it don't tell me you wouldn't hit it i might be down sure why not i mean i i would if i was single and he was single do you think uh what's his name is hot i'm so curious 20 years younger than me i should really stop saying 20 years no he's like what he's like 27 so like night wait justin beeper's 27 how old is he's the bebes i thought he was like i don't know he'll always look like 22 to me no i could be very wrong what were you going to say who asked me who i have a crush on oh what are your thoughts on uh he's dating everybody kim karnashian everybody right now pete wence oh no that's ashley

simpson's ex pete davidson p davidson yeah yeah would i hit that if i was single if jason wasn't in the picture you down for some pete davidson yeah because i'm really attracted to senses of humor. Oh, he's funny. Yeah. Yeah, Big Dick Energy and hilarious. Beaver is like 26. He was born in 94.

Yeah. I don't do math. I don't either. 94, 2004 would be 10. 2014 would be 20. 2020 would be 26. 2000, 21, 27. Holy.

To get to that finish line, both of us together, My God. I was counting on fingers. I have a game for us to play. How? Well, I prepared. I knew we were doing this today, so I made up a game. Are you ready for it?

Yeah. It's one of my favorite games, and it's called How Do You Proceed? Okay, I'm down. Okay. I'm going to give you a scenario, hypothetical, and you're going to let me know how you would proceed. Okay. you're already late for an extremely important meeting that you cannot miss, and it's 30 minutes away.

There was only one Uber available anytime soon, so you book it immediately. Okay? You get in, and two minutes into the drive, the driver keeps leaning slightly to the side and passing gas, which you can hear and smell. It's making your eyes water, and it smells like rotten animal carcass with baby shit on it. How do you pursue? God. Oh, what's the thought of that? Especially me right now?

I've been gaggy McGee. Am I pregnant? I'm nesting and I'm gagging. Enjoy that glass of wine, your last one. Because we've got to take that pregnancy test now. You're not. You're not pregnant, but you have been about to throw up quite a few times. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you've had about 12 almost vomit moment. Oh, it just comes right into the mouth. Oh, my gosh. Even when I fake gag, it makes me want to go. Yeah. What is that? I don't know what's going on. I literally always I always take a shot of tequila before I go out and do my rap for my live podcast.

And I literally took one and the song was coming on and I was about eight counts out of starting to rap. And I was in the corner and I was like, get ready for a show. Hold your head. It's about to blow. How would I proceed? I would be gagging. I am very sensitive to smell. Would you be like letting him know you were.

knowing and gagging. I'd ask him to stop the car and I'd get out. You would? Yeah. Even though you're 30 minutes late for a very, or it's 30 minutes away and you're really late for this important thing. Yeah. I'd have to get out of the car and just, I'm already 30 minutes late.

Everybody shit the bed. They know I'm probably not even coming at this point. Probably go home. I'd have an episode. Just, yeah, crack open a bottle of wine and just be on my own. Could handle that kind of shit. That's a game changer. I'm actually needing to switch the subject or I'm going to gag again.

Speaking of wine. I get really, really drunk off obviously spayed and sparrows and try to seduce you. How do you proceed? I'm going to let it happen. No. What? You would? Well, yeah.

For real, think about it. I'm so wasted that I think you're Jason and I'm trying to seduce you. Oh, dark. No. No, because if you're hammered and then I'm not going to have like Bill Cosby vibe. I'm your freaking best friend. I'm not going to be like, I am Jason. Kate.

Go on, babe. Get on top. I love your Jason impressions. Oh, God. So you wouldn't? No. No, I would not. But if we were both drunk, then it was just like, oh, this is fun.

But now there's no way that would happen. No way. We would just start. I've had sex dreams about you, two. Two. Yeah. Was I a claimation? Yeah.

Yeah. That claymation dream I had about you because your features are so cute. Your little butt and nose and your big blue eyes. And with the brown hair, it's so easy to picture you looking like Rudolph the Red Dose Reindeer Claimation character, not the reindeer, the claymation version. Just if you're listening to this, it's the Christmas season. Close your eyes and picture Caitlin made out of clay. And it's the cutest thing.

Because if you watch some of those movies, the elves, they have these cute little button noses and like cute lips and they're just so cute and tiny. And two eyes made out of cold. Yeah, no, no cold. Yeah, I took edibles and then I just pictured you as clay. And then you're like a sexual clay character. Vixen Claymation, Caitlin. Oh, I love those movies.

Have you seen that there's the one with the big snow monster and he's like missing a tooth? You remember? No, you haven't seen it. I don't know which claymation movie it is, but there's one and it's this elf and he gets, he doesn't fit in with the other elves. And he sings that song, Why am I such a misfit? Why am I such a knit wit?

Why can I fit in? But then he fits in at the ends. You don't remember that? No. Oh, shit. I'm going to look it up, though. Wow, I really threw myself out there. No, I liked, I enjoyed it, and it made me want to watch it.

I wasn't like you are weird. No, it's cute. It's a great Christmas movie. I can't wait to watch it. Yeah, I think it's one of the Rudolph Red Nosed Reindeer, one of those Claymation movies. There were a whole thing. I'm going to Google.

loved all of them. That's what the movie Elf was based off of that specific elf movie that I'm referring to, the Claymation character, that was the base for Elf with Will Ferrell. Yeah. I watched that thing on Netflix. It was like, behind the scenes of some of your greatest favorite movies. I didn't like that. Okay.

Well. I was like talking about how much I loved it. No. I just referenced it. Oh, I loved it. Oh, yeah. Me too. Yeah, same.

Okay, you open a Christmas present from a family member, and it's the gift that you gave them last Christmas. How do you proceed? 100% call them out on it. You would. I would. Yeah. But in the funniest way.

Yeah. You can't be a dick about it. You know, you just have to laugh it off and, you know, just, yeah, I would just say, well, clearly, this is amazing because, you know, I gave it to you and I can't wait that I have it back or something, you know. Have you ever seen that movie with Wilfrow, not elf? and old school yeah oh love old school Vince Vaughn Owen Wilson okay this is this is one of my favorite parts did you just hear my stomach look at you your little food baby was kicking oh I heard it I just had some scrambled eggs and toast yeah it was like I heard it loud and clear

But do you remember when he re-gifts his wedding gift to when he gets a new home? Okay, listen. Hey, a little housewarming to new beginnings. Thanks. Actually, I gave this to you for your wedding. This model? No, this exact one. I'm sorry.

I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry. It's okay. I hope you like it. I love it. Thank you. That's like how I picture my self-handling the situation if I got re-gifted or I'd be like, I love it because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. I had a situation happen where someone had given me chocolates.

Yeah? That I had given them. Stop. A year ago. Sounds like something I would do. It was so gross, though, because the chocolates, you know when you have milk chocolate and they're old and it becomes kind of white and crusty? Chucky. Chalky? Yeah. So I opened it up and there were all these little chalky chocolates. And they were really good chocolates. They just, I guess, weren't a fan, but it was just one of those gifts that I was, you know, thoughtful. I sent chocolate in a bottle of wine as like a thank you gift.

And they re-gifted you the chocolate a year later? A solid year later. Yeah. That was a little awkward. I mean. I read gift shit all the time. I get so many. packages and parcels and gifts that I go I have a little gift drawer a little gift closet now yeah and then I just re-gift everything I took some stuff for myself did good that's what it's for when guests come over my mom's getting a friggin' field day when she comes in today yeah I'm not mad at regifting but I think you have the chocolate a year later is kind of weird well plus my my name tag was still on it like on the back it was like one of those little stickers and it was still on the back

So to me, that friend was just thoughtless in that moment because I'm like, oh, you really were just in a rush and just, like, found some old chocolates you forgot about. You'd probably rather than just say they didn't have time to get you anything. Just don't do a gift, yeah. And me open up some crusty chocolates from a year ago I gave you. Okay, this episode of Off the Vine is brought to you by Progressive. Progressive helps you get a great rate on car insurance, even if it's not with them. They have this nifty little comparison tool that puts rates side by side so you choose a rate and coverage that works. for you. So let's say you're interested in lowering your rate on your car insurance.

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Take charge. Visit quickviewat-home.com for FDA emergency use authorization only. Ready for the next question. You're in an airplane. Sully with the people. from your indoor skydiving shamu experience everyone recognizes oh shit how do you proceed I'm hopefully sitting at an emergency exit so I could just bust that door open fly out just the thought of that gives me anxiety yeah I'm surprised I haven't had someone that

was at the simulation that's that's reached out and like hey I was there You have had that? No, no, I have not. No. And if I did have someone reach out, block, report, harassment, bullying. Lies. You got lies. Never happened.

Get out of my life. I just want to forget about it. You know how at dinner the other night? Or maybe where were we? And Jason was like Caitlin loves ruining people's yawns. Oh, we were at dinner at one rest. I forget which one. And every time someone yawns, I like to stick my fingers in their mouth and be like,

ha ha. Well, okay, maybe I used to do that in high school. And now I just do it to Jason But here's my next one You're yawning in public And a man you don't know Sticks his finger in your mouth How do you proceed?

I latch on And I freaking bite those fingers off You sick bastard How dare you? Yeah Depends on the man But like I don't know

That's sick. Caitlin if someone did that to you A spit in their face Oh wow you pumpkin Yeah Do you know the reference? It's a movie. No, it's a great show.

It's a great show. It's... Okay, did you ever watch Flavor of Love? Yeah. Oh, you did. Flavor of Flav? Yeah. With the clock? Yeah.

So he had a dating show, New York, who I'm a huge fan of. I think her real name is Tiffany Pollard, but she was having a fight with pumpkin. And so there's this iconic scene when pumpkin is being sent home. And pumpkin spits in her face. And Pumpkin spits in New York. York's face and I love the scene anyway I have you ever had someone spit in your face like what I have wait hold on I've had that happen but okay yeah no okay like I was at a hockey game oh shit yeah like it wasn't asked for or warranted in the moment like you're getting spicy in the sack one of my friends

played for the Evanton Oilers and he would always get me tickets and my girlfriends that I worked with and we worked at a restaurant and one time we came in and we sat in these seats and maybe they usually have cute girls coming to seats because I think these hockey players would always you know like give out these tickets in these spots and one guy was sitting behind me and he was being so rude and swearing and he was so drunk and I just looked at him because there's kids around us too and I said buddy there's kids around you like let's just tone it down a little bit you don't need to swear at the oilers because they're losing and he looked at me And he said, let me guess, another restaurant chick banging one of the players.

Oh. And I looked at him and I was like, excuse you? Guilty is charged. Do you know me? Do you know? How does it happen? No. Yeah.

No, I truly actually wasn't begging him, to be honest with you. And so the guy started chirping me and then I got mad and I stood up like I was going to do something I wasn't, obviously. And he walked over and he spat in my. face. Oh my God. And I've never felt like that in my life. I felt violated. I started shaking. I jumped over people in the road to like chase after him, but he ran because I think he realized in the moment, like, he was pretty drunk. I think he like realized what he did and he ran away. And I was like calling security and security didn't do anything about it. And I, so I told my friend that played. And so he talked to somebody that worked at the arena and they

ended up giving me front road tickets to Lady A. Oh, oh, nice. Worth it. Worth it. I'll take a luggy to the face for some front row tickets to Lady A. Oh, God. That's terrible, though. It really was.

I'll never forget that feeling. I was, like, shaking, and then I just started crying, and then I jumped over people, and it was all sane. Especially now. Okay, so, like, that's a shitty situation, no matter what. But after everything we've all gone through with the pandemic, that even is. is more loaded now because I think we're all I've always been a germ freak you know and very clean about shit like that you know I people think it's weird that I wear a glove to pump gas and I've been doing that since I was 17 years old those those little handles that you pump gas from I don't even want to know just so you know I'm gonna let I'm gonna just pump gas like two hours ago I didn't wash my hands oh I'm just kidding I did pump gas a couple hours ago but I have washed my hands I read a state note the bacteria on one gas.

I'm gonna gag. It's approximately 3,000 more times the amount of bacteria, germs, and just disgusting fungus that grows on those handles because they don't clean them. But it's, I think it's seven times dirtier than a public toilet seat. No. Yeah. So just know that. When you're going to pump gas. I actually am like public toilet seats, like I have a fear of them.

Well, I will like, when I'm older, I'm going to pee my pants all the time because I hold my pee. just so I don't have to go to the bathroom. Yeah, there's a lot of fecal matter. A lot of particles of literal shit all up on those handles. You've got to be careful. Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you. That all stemmed from a man that we don't know, sticking our fingers and your mouth, ruining a yawn. I tried to do that to Jason, by the way.

Didn't go over so well. Would you bite your fingers off? No, no. You spit your face? Pretty much. No, he just looked at me like betrayal. Like, how dare you? Because I like you do it cute like you do a side finger

I just poke it in and out like I'm like Well I poke but my realize my fingers are a lot longer than yours so You hit the dangly thing You hit his dangly thing in the back of his stuff Can I'm deep throw my I want to touch that little dangly thing I swing the back of my throat Can you imagine just ram my fingers down your fian

says gullet. Oh. I'm not okay. Ew. Oh, it's so gross. Okay, next. Okay. This is fun.

Your new mother-in-law gives you a honeymoon gift of homemade lube. And then text you in the middle of your honeymoon asking you how you like it. How do you proceed? 100% love it. Thank you so much. If I do love it, I'll be honest. Yeah. You know, I hope it's not a coconut oil base because it clogs pores.

Oh. You got to be careful. I don't mind coconut. I've used coconut oil for lube before. for. What do you have pores on? I don't get it. Huh?

No, it just. It pours on your penis? No, I just like, I heard it's okay to use on your body, but if used it on your face, it could clog your pores. Oh. So I look at it like, if it's in my... You put loob on your face? I sure do.

Yeah. You put lube on your face? No, but if I do coconut oil down below, I just, I guess, no, I don't have, I, do I have pores on my penis? I don't know. I don't know. Our skin is pores no matter where it's at, right? So you proceed by saying thank you.

Saying thank you. Only if it's not coconut oil base. Yeah. What is the word non-cometogenic, comedogenic? Anyway, for clogging pores. Thank you for the lube, mama-in-law. I love it. I am railing your son as we speak.

Yeah, I'd make it uncomfortable for her too. Yeah. Literally writing. For tacks. As we speak, Mama. Okay, you accidentally sent a screenshot of someone's own text to them talking shit, but don't realize until after it's set. Oh, the worst. How do you proceed?

Has that actually happened to you before? Only once. Oh. Only once. I was sitting right in front of my friend Kurt from high school. And it was Christmas time. And we were sitting having drinks and he was a really, like, chain smoker. And I wrote my boyfriend at the time.

And I was like, ugh, my friend Kurt is just so gross. Like he's already gone through a pack of smoke since I've been here. Really, he had like two. And he was like, you just sent that to me. Oh. And I was like, well? Well, yeah, chimney. Yeah, dial it back, emphysema.

Freaking me out. Fair enough. I get that. That was actually good, though. You know, because I had it happen. It was with a coworker. Yeah. And I was talking shit on this.

I was like, oh, she's the first. Yeah. And I sent it to her. And she responded with, wow, I know how you really feel now. And I said, yeah, you do. And I said, yeah, I wasn't supposed to send it to you, but like, here it is. You know, I just owned it. And I said, you're the worst to work with.

And yeah, and I was on my way out anyway. Oh, wait. I actually did that. I think I've confessed this on my podcast before to Ashley I. Because if anybody remembers when Ashley I kissed Chris Solz for the first time on The Bachelor, and we saw her kiss a guy for the first time. she didn't know how to make out and she was like and it was so awful and I accidentally sent her a text instead of one of the producers saying like I cannot watch actually I kiss Chris it's

disgusting and she said Caitlin and I said well girl you do need to work on that you just have to own it yeah that's the only thing you in that situation you just have to be like fall on your sword yeah no winning in that one why am I so congested there's no dust in this house, that's definitely not causing it. This house is spick and span. This house, I had cleaners, organizers, and painters come in because I want my mama B to be proud of me. Do you feel a bit of pressure that your mom has never come to this house before and she's

coming in fresh from Canada? In New Mexico. Cabo San Lucas. Beautiful resort life. She's coming here to Nashville to see you. My mom has the most prestigious. esthetic in her house. Really?

High end everything. There's not a dust speck to be found. She's very clean. No clutter. And I'm a cluttery. I like trinkets and clutter like in a homey way. And there's, I have two golden retrievers that shed everywhere.

And it's not that I feel pressure, but it's like I just want. She wanted to be proud. I want her to be proud because I want, she hasn't seen this house yet. And it's my prized possession. and it was the first major purchase of my whole life after feeling successful and she hasn't seen it yet and I've done so much work to it and my I put my own like touch on it and it's

very Caitlin home and I just want her to be like holy crap I love this home and it's very different from what she would like but she's not literally I lived in a shoebox and she was always like I'm so proud of you this place is beautiful like it's just not hard on you no she will walk in and she will probably cry and she will just be like so proud of me and I just want it to be perfect when she walks in

and it is it's beautiful yeah you got the candles going fresh flowers no dust the bed is made I wash Christmas decorations up Christmas deco is in full season here and I was sleeping in the guest room

of course my boudoir yeah which is also Jason's uh room to closet yeah that's the thing I'm staying in that room it's so funny because Jason gets changed in there every morning yeah you know he does his thing in there yeah uh but i was just sleeping you know love coming in you know and he likes to come in and do little check-ins on me

throughout the day it's really nice he's like he's a dad jason is literally he's like a dad mixed with a college frat boy all in one love it yeah it's a good combo it's a fun combo for sure that's funny poor jason but that's one thing i don't like about my house is the closet space is atrocious. So the main bedroom's bathroom is it's okay because I renovated a little bit, but it's still like not the size I would like for it to be because I have a lot of stuff. And then my closet sucks. So Jason has to use another closet. And that's the only thing I don't like about this house. Closet space. Yeah, but it's a beautiful house. Big archways, tall ceilings. It's great. Yeah, it's a beautiful home. And I have to give a shout out to Jessica McCarthy because she helped me decorate everything. And then another shout out to Keaton Clause in Nashville. If anybody is looking, I think she even can do like stuff online too. She is incredible. She'll come over and decorate your whole.

Who is this? Keaton Clause. She'll come over. Like K-L-A-U-S-Clause? Like Santa Claus? Yeah. She'll come over and decorate your whole house. She'll like wrap your whole front in like fresh new garland and make it all cozy.

She'll come in. She'll get all your Christmas stuff. She'll come after the season and clean it all up. Amazing. She's incredible. No headache. And she does fall stuff, Halloween. This isn't a nap.

This is just a shout out. This is a real deal. Yeah. I truly use her every year. I pay for it. Yeah, she's great. So worth it. Anyways.

Yeah, it looks beautiful here. We're ready for the holidays. I need to see your house at the holidays. I know. It's remarkable. Well, not my actual house. My parents' home, which I'm very much a part of. I'm an only child.

We're doing it up big this year. Oh, and for people that are listening. Yeah. Some people know that I do this, but we do a theme every year. Yes. We pick a color and we stick to that color. Yeah. A purple Christmas, everything is purple.

The wrapping paper, the tree decorations, the everything is a purple Christmas. Yeah. The seven foot nutcrackers, the wreaths, everything. Yeah. And we stick monochromatic and every year the color has to do with a family member or a friend who we're honoring. Typically, someone who's passed away. So this time it's brown for Duky? Yes.

And chocolate brown is such a color right now. It is. It works out perfect. So it's going to be a chocolate brown, bronzy Christmas. So everything. And then we're going to do millennial pink, like crystal quartz pink, rose quartz. Oh, love. All the gifts will be in that color. Oh, my gosh.

That's going to be beautiful. I think it'll be, yeah, it's going to be similar to the off the vine bedroom or off the vine studio. It's very glowy, pink and glowy in here. Yeah, I love it. So that's going to be the vibe. And I'm excited for it this year. I would stay longer because I want to hang out with you and your mom. Oh, I would love it.

get back and hang out yeah and do the tree i get it all that shit and all that jazz i'm gonna rouge my okay yeah god i can just talk to you for so long about fucking nothing we yeah did nothing i literally could talk to you for an hour about nothing are people do you think people are listening I always wonder that by the end I'm like are people still here you guys hey for those of you have it's like the boat you know when you stick around for the credits and then there's a little something some at the end. We got to give them a little something, some at the end, like if you're still here. Yeah. But we're going to, so I'm going to L.A. in about five days, and we're going to record a podcast with you. Yeah. Okay. So we'll do that. Yeah. Oh, this is going to be great. Yeah. Because

I'll be there for 10 days. And you're staying two minutes from where I live. And I'm saying two minutes from where you live. And I'm rehearsing, but like it's not going to be till midnight. Yeah. Like, I'll have time to record a podcast. I'll have a glass of wine, a little foot rub waiting for you. And we'll put the mic and we'll do a cute little podcast moment together. The low lifers love you. Oh my gosh. There's a lot of Vino low life crossover. I love that.

Yeah, it's really sweet. I really love that. Well, you are the godmother of my podcast. You birthed it from your canal. Straight out of the old canal. Yeah. Into your ear holes. You sure did.

And that the low life was born. I wouldn't have been able to do podcast if it wasn't for you. you were my first episode of fun that I've ever done oh that's true I remember that that's so fun it was very you're kind of you're not kind of you are born to podcast oh well you're my favorite podcast guest that's really sweet of you to say because you've had some incredible one so I'm going to take it yeah and own it and love it yeah and say thank you for having me here today queen you're welcome little judy I love you you're again one of my favorite podcast guests but actual guests as well oh this is yeah the best to say here I laughed so hard last night that like I think that's another

reason my throat hurts oh my god we didn't even talk about that we didn't this is the little bonus for the people who are still here bonus here's the bonus don't watch this movie yeah don't watch it wait what was it called oh actually i know what it's called what what was the movie last night called katelyn i can i just tell the listeners right now my what did i it was broke back mountain amazon I told you 12 times, but, well, the edibles were kicking in. Broken? Broke down palace. Broke down palace.

You'd ask me about every like six minutes. Hey, what are we watching? What's this called? What are we doing here? It's not even a funny movie. I was laughing because I was just with you. It's like a very dark movie. It's scary.

And I think I laugh when I'm scared. Yeah. So, and uncomfortable situations too. I usually will laugh. I have a good laugh. But just a quick synopsis for the listeners. Claire Dane's. Blanchett. Very early day. Not Cape Blanchett.

Sorry. Kate Beckinsale. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, well. I said so mad. Did you forget about my Kate Beckinsett? Kate Blanchett. I did. The literal worst. It's not fucking. You, Eddie. Yeah. You're over here.

Bricking Kate Beckinsale's publicist over here. It's a very early Cape Beckinsale. This was filmed to, what, 2000? So this movie is 21 years. 22? 22 years, yeah. But anyway, it's a real story. These two friends, they go to Bangkok, Thailand, they meet a guy, drug smuggling happens.

They didn't know what's going to happen. They both end up imprisoned. They set them up. And this guy set them up. And we'll just leave the rest of it for you. And it's based on a real story and they got sentenced 33 years. Can you imagine? Oh, that's what I was going to say.

So we're watching this. And so these two besties, you know, get sentenced to 33 years to life in prison. Yeah. Can't speak a lick of the native language. So they're speaking English. And they're signing contracts that they think lose English and it's not. The government in Bangkok is just through with them saying they're just really serving it to them. And it's all corrupt.

Yeah. Like they're kind of in on it knowing that these two girls are probably not the masterminds behind this. Right. They're going to pin it on them. Yeah. but one friend ends up we're going to give it away. Sorry. Well, you know what? If you

just don't, we'll just tell them because you don't want. Well, the movie came out 21 years ago. Sorry. The internet will still find a way to get mad at us for a spoiler alert. The Titanic sinks. Okay.

Sorry. Kate Winslet lives, Leo dies. I'm saying it. Geez, if you haven't seen it now, go fuck yourself. Willie is free. Okay.

Willie's free. Okay. Sea world's the worst. Anyway, back to this incredible film that wasn't that great. But actually, the soundtrack is phenomenal. If you're down for a great soundtrack, I shazammed about 15 songs. Great, great soundtrack. Sarah McLaughlin.

I don't even know the words, but it was so good. But there's a point where one friend decides to take the blame for the other friend. So one could be released free, and the other one says, it's all me. And she's going to rot in jail. Yeah, for 33 years to life. And as I'm rubbing Caitlin's little feet, I'm sitting there on the ground, rubbing her feet. No, I was on the couch. We were both laying on the couch.

It sounds worse if I'm just on the ground, on the dirt floor. In Caitlin's hot. Kissing her feet. No, but Caitlin goes, wow. I don't know. I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if I'm that kind of friend that I would want to do that. I don't know if I want 33.

years in the Thailand prison for you to be set free. I'd rather we stayed in it together. Oh, well, that's not the option, though. It's just either one or the other. Then I wouldn't do it for you. I would agree, though. I would let you rot in a prison and I wouldn't do it either. Like, we're friends, but you're not blood. Yeah, that's asking a lot. I don't even know if I do it for a blood, like a cousin? I know, it felt like. It felt like they were like giving up on the movie and they're like, we'll just have one of them go. But it's the actual

story of what really happened. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, based on a true story. Yeah. So, I mean, that really happened. But also, if you and your sister were in the same situation, I don't know. Would you? Oh, shit, I might. Only because I could handle prison more than her. That's really sweet.

I think I would, after a few years. years, I think I might thrive. You probably would kill it in prison, literally. I feel like I'd make friends. Yeah, the prison guard, you should be, you know, you'd be given her, sending her scrunchies. And I'd be like, like, I would, like, use business opportunities to, like, get ahead in the, in the prison. Yeah. Actually, because I was like, you couldn't be sending scrunchies.

You're in prison. But you could end up having your scrunchy line, just making them out of, like, prison underwear and stuff. He had, like, sheets. Yeah, sheets and underwear. whatever you could find and having a thriving business while you're in prison. Yeah. Yeah, you should definitely take the sentence for your sister and me. You're going to be fine.

I would die. Actually, if I was put in the situation, I would just have to be, I'd be stuck in a lot of guard dick. Oh. Whatever I had to do. Yeah. That's what you have to do. I'd have to be, you know, just submit. Boom.

Yeah. I've seen Oz, the show on HBO. I've seen prison break. I've seen prison break. Shit's tough. So I'd have to just, you know, be someone's bitch. You'd be the guy Like on prison break

Remember the guy that has to like be on a leash with the other guy? That's me on a leash Oh my God Also I hope nobody's friends or families in prison And this is Oh So sorry Yeah well I've had a couple family members in prison

Have you really? Sure have I used to visit them often So I'm very familiar with the judicial system Radio Anyone that's listening to this If you say radio if you've served some time You know exactly what I'm talking about When the guards yell radio means you shut your effin mouth.

Everyone goes silent when they say radio. Everyone's quiet. It's like a prison thing. Yeah. There's a few other words that my uncles were teaching. Like radio silence? Yeah, I guess like radio silence. But there's, yeah, there's other words too that people say prison talk.

But I used to go visit them, put money on their books. Yeah, we've had a few family members in jail. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We'll get into that on the low-life podcast. Yeah, there we go. What a great segue. Radio.

radio shut your mouth low that's how i end every podcast now radio done um well thank you for talking to me about absolutely nothing today oh it was nice this was good are you kidding we talked about the importance of organization yeah what someone would do if you if you've stuck your fingers down your throat you know if someone does that to you if someone spits on you how do you handle it like a champ yeah okay well tell everyone where to go to find your podcast so that they can listen I mean, in general, but

then get ready for when I come on. Yeah, Caitlin will be coming on. It's called the low-life podcast. It's just L-O-N-W, low-life podcast. And you can find that on Apple, Spotify, wherever you stream your podcast, and you can follow me on the gram at Style, S-T-Y-L-E-L-V-R.

Style L-V-R. Boom, that's it. There we go. Love you. Oh, my name's Lowe, by the way. We never even... I'll do an intro for you. Sure.

No need. Okay. Radio. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts.