Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Matt Bellassai

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

Host of "Unhappy Hour" podcast, writer and wine enthusiast Matt Bellassai calls into Kaitlyn's studio to talk about how his start on YouTube lead to him to both his podcast and his new book "Everything Is Awful." He also cracks open some canned wine to co-host Kaitlyn's first-ever Mass Konfessional! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, This version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. So before we start today's podcast, I just wanted to talk about Green Chef.

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The following program is a podcast.1.com presentation. Okay, are you ready to shake things up? Yes, I am. Well, Caitlin Bristow is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves because there's more to like than Instagram, right? What's that supposed to mean?

Welcome to Off the Vine with Kate. Okay, everybody, welcome to Off the Vine. I am your host in a panic over here because my Uber driver was late, and now I'm trying to open the bottle of wine while I do my intro, so forgive me if this is awkward, and I might have to call my producer in here to open it for me if I can't manage to do this and talk at the same time, but I'm Caitlin Bristow, I got this. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, not going to lie, I'm a tad bit hungover today.

Sean took me on a little date night Last night and we went for sushi And obviously I had a few glasses of wine And Sean B had about eight waters We went to this little rooftop And we haven't had a cute date night in a while So we got all dressed up And Sean's trainer from Iron Man joined us

And told me that I should start training for one But that's a whole other story Because I think I choked out my wine and laughed at him He said I could do it I'm like nobody likes a liar Anyways, so we went back to our hotel, watched a little big brother, had another drink. Well, I did. We went up to the rooftop.

It's like some rotating rooftop. I had another drink. I went for it this time, straight gin martini, because that was a good idea. Then we went back to the hotel. I had another drink. Sean had another water. So I'm a little hungover today, but I don't know who I think I am, the queen of wine drinking. Well, yes, I am.

Thank you for noticing. And I have the perfect guest to drink with me today. who I should bring around more often if I'm going to marry Waters McGee. So please welcome the king of wine drinking. Matt Belisai, welcome to the podcast, Matt. Hello, thank you for having me. Oh, my gosh. You are, you might be my hero.

I mean, for wine drinkers, yeah. I guess I've made that my proudest achievement. Yeah, it's just like what you're good at. And I don't, I feel like, oh, wait, are you already drinking? Are you drinking with me today? I am, actually. I just cracked up, but I'm drinking a can of wine because I'm that classy about my wine drinking. Oh, me too.

I always have cans of wine. I feel like that's like, you know, when people say like, you know, I'm going to keep a classy tonight. I'm not going to get effed up. I'm just going to get really drunk, and that's when you drink out of cans. Yeah. Yeah. It's perfect. I totally understand you.

How much wine do you consume on a weekly basis? I have cut back. actually. I know that might not be the most inspiring thing. I'm like, what? But yeah, I used to drink. I used to drink a lot more. And now I'm like, for my liver's sake, I'll limit it. I hear you. I hear you. But at least a bottle a week. Oh, that's so, that's so I'm good. Like, I drank more than that. Oh, shoot. Does that mean I should cut back? I mean, I'm also like a terrible person in every other way. So I think you're okay. Okay. Yeah, you make up for it in other ways. And you have the wine glass that I need. It holds a full bottle, doesn't it? It does, but I just broke it. I need a replacement. Oh, buy two and send me one. I'll look up a couple. Yeah. The actual bowl of the glass is fine, but the stem broke. And I feel like drinking out of a jagged piece of glass is probably not the best idea. Yeah, maybe don't do that. Can you tell us how this all got started with you being a YouTube sensation? How did it start? It was entirely. It was entirely.

by accident. I did not plan anything. I used to work at BuzzFeed and I was a comedy writer and started making videos honestly like a few years into working there. Because I'm just a writer. And yeah, I just wanted I wanted to make some kind of video and the idea that seemed most obvious was to just grab a bottle of wine and see if I could get away with getting drunk at my desk. kidding. And they were like, all right, let's see how it works. And it worked. And now I, yeah, they kind of took off. And now I'm able to do that full time. Which is so crazy. Like, I watched an interview where someone asked you like, are your parents proud? And you're like, yeah, they are. Like, hi, I'm living my best life, getting paid to do what I love. Like, of course

they're proud of you. My parents are too. Like, I called my mom and dad after my first podcast. I was like, guys, I've made it. I've made it. I've been training my whole life, and I've finally gotten what I've worked for. And so, yeah, our parents are proud. My mom's jealous. I think there's a very fine line between what I do and what millions of other people do, just getting drunk by themselves and not. And I don't know how proud my parents would be if I were just getting drunk by myself and not having a camera in front of me. It's, It's weird that the fact that there's a camera there makes it better. Well, that's why I podcast.

Yeah. That way I don't have to be on camera. And I know you're not a fan of pants and neither am I. So podcast works for me because that requires me. Like I can, I'm in my PJs right now, actually. I considered not wearing a bra, but I do have to see some people in public. So I'm in my PJs and I don't have to do my hair or makeup for podcasting, but you're a guy, so you're lucky in that way. I mean, my general philosophy about images of myself on the internet is like I like putting my worst self out there so that when people meet me, they think it's better than they expected.

That's a really good idea. You set the bar low. Right. I'd rather you think I'm going to be a mess. And then you meet me and you're like, oh, it's not, it's not as bad as I thought. Wait, that's really smart. I should start doing that. See, I do the opposite where I'm like putting my.

my best self on all of my like Instagram and Twitter pages and then people see me and they're like oh yeah see you're setting people up you're doing it right you're doing it right okay I have a question for you do you really chug the wine like that I do I have like no my tolerance is so high that I am like an elephant like it honestly takes so much to bring me down that's so awesome that's a skill it doesn't affect me at all but people do ask me a lot about what like for wine recommendations and things and I'm like I'm not the person that you want to be answering that because I don't enjoy it I'm just chugging it yeah I hear you because I first of all I cannot chug wine like that just I can't do it I'll puke if I chug it and I

enjoy sipping it and so when I was watching your videos which are the best things I've ever seen, by the way. And you were chugging. I'm like, oh, gosh, I was like, gagging watching you do that. And I was like, is he really chugging that wine? And that's a full bottle in there. It takes practice and a part of you has to die inside, but you'll get there. I feel like I'm already there, but I just don't, you know, chug the wine. But I'm already there with you. I hear you. And do you get hung over? I do more and more lately. I used to film in the middle of the day because that's when the lighting was best and I you know got to have good lighting of course you're going to film a video yeah but that means I would end up being hung over at like 7 p.m.

Well that's what I was saying. Yeah which is not ideal. No I would like order pasta and watch master chef junior and like cry. I like reached that stage of hungover would be like asleep in the middle of the night and you wouldn't feel it but I I experience it in full blast at, like, 8 p.m. Oh, yeah, that's not very enjoyable. I, and I always get, like, full-blown anxiety when I'm hungover. Like, my hangovers are, like, panic attacks. Right. So that just would not be fun.

No, not at all. And, like, have you ever, like, blacked out? And then you watch the video the next day and be like, oh, I really went for it. No, my curse in life is that I have never blacked out from drinking. I remember every, even when I should have, I remember every, I remember every, thing that happens. So of all of the times that I have been truly, truly, truly, like, out of it, I can remember everything with such specificity. And it's terrible. Yeah, that I don't know if I would like that because there's probably so many times where people drink and they are

like probably glad they forgot certain things. But I do this segment on my podcast where I get people to have a confession with me. And then I wash away their sins with my wine. And I'm going to tell you my confession because I have to confess to you. I'm totally the people that you talk about sometimes when you're like the person ordering at Starbucks and you go on a rant about how like whoever like Susan doesn't need to order like all this whole long list of things. I'm totally that person. I mean my my dirty secret is that I am also the person that I talk about a lot. That's where you get your ideas from yourself. Yeah. You have to like embody. it to understand it. But, you know, you can acknowledge that things are the worst and to also,

you know, be the worst. Yeah, I think so too. Like, and I totally respond to people's texts with just the letter K. Well, that is unforgettable. I know because I saw that you said, like, that's the worst kind of person. I'm like, oh my gosh, Sean looked at me and I was like, I totally do that. And I even do the period after like, they'll say a big paragraph and I'll go, K, dot. Yeah. You're just asking for it. People are going to come with their fists up at you. I know. That's the declaration of war. I know. I feel like I'm going to change now because I wasn't aware of how terrible I was doing that. But now I'm very self-aware of the letter K. And I'm not going to do it anymore. Well, I'm glad. I'm glad it could have a positive impact. You know what? Another confession I have is I'm a good re-gifter.

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They're founded by college kids who just wanted to look stylish and be affordable. So if you guys want 15% off with free shipping and returns, go to MovementMVMT.com slash vine. That's 15% off with free shipping and returns, Movement.com slash Vine. Go check out my pictures. I'm wearing a movement watching like every single one. You know who could probably use some wine is Megan Kelly, but she's got to trade that wine in for coffee because she's got a new morning show. It's Megan Kelly's new show, Megan Kelly today. She's moved from Fox to NBC, a new morning show of interviews and inspiring stories, stories that move you and leave you thinking. She covers all the hot topics of the day. And if you're in New York and looking to attend a live show, all you have to do is visit Today.com slash mK Today audience.

You know what? Now that I think about it, I feel like Megan Kelly would be a great guest on Off the Vine because I think she'd have a lot of opinions. She's American. I'm Canadian, so I don't really feel like I'm up on my politics knowledge, so maybe she could help me out there. I know for a fact she'd probably have a lot of gossip and wouldn't hold back, which is my ideal guest.

You guys still have some time. It premieres Monday, September 25th, and go to today.com slash mK. today audience and maybe you'll be in the crowd i just want to like hear you going around like can you get drunk please right now or do you have to be somewhere tonight um i do have you know i have things i have things that i have to do in life like what write a book or something well i wrote i'm finished technically and where you but now comes the fun part where i get to i get to go out and hawk it all over the place oh let's do it tell us all about your book so it's called everything is awful because everything I do is super fun and optimistic.

And yeah, it's about me and my life. And I say it's about how I became the grumpy person that I am today. It's all of the stories behind why I hate the things that I hate. Right. Okay, can you give us an example? There's one chapter about hair and how much I hate. My hair, everybody else's hair. Like body hair or actual hair on your head?

Just all of it. All of it is bad. All of the hair is bad. There's never a situation where I'm like, you know what, there's hair here and I'm having fun. It's just, you know, there's like, it balls up in places where it shouldn't ball up. When I was a kid, I used to, my, I used to hair, my mom would comb my hair when I was very young. and spray it with hairspray to death and my hair was hard as a rock

to the point where like I would gather the other children around me and they would knock on my head like they were knocking on a boulder and so that like messed me up emotionally Oh, I'm sorry, I'm laughing at your problems. Yeah, whenever hair is an attraction

I'm very, very uncomfortable triple with that. You're traumatized. Hair has destroyed me. Really? Oh my gosh. Like this is deep. That's,

I was laughing and now I feel bad because I feel like this is a deep one for you. And I apologize for laughing. But no, I totally get it. Hair. What do you think about girls with hair extensions? I mean, I'm all for,

you know, you add whatever you want to add. Don't bring it around you. I mean, sometimes, sometimes it's messy, though. sometimes you can like see it oh yeah that's the worst you can see where it goes from real to not real

and yeah nobody wants that um i was one of my insults to people like i talked about this i think on my last podcast oh i did um where one of my insults to people is if i if i don't want to hang out with them i say i'd rather swallow a bag of hair see it's because hair is terrible and you wouldn't want to ingest it. So I can totally relate to that chapter of your book. Right. That's so funny. And you're in New York, right? Yes, yes. Have you always, where are you from? I'm from the suburbs of Chicago, so I'm a midwesterner. Oh. Yeah. I love Chicago. I'm going there in like two days. Okay, and then you moved out to New York when you became YouTube famous or what? No, I moved out about five years ago after I graduated from college just to be a writer here in New York. I wanted to

I thought it was going to be a magazine writer. I thought I was going to be like a serious like Time magazine reporter. And then I discovered that like you could have fun on the internet and do that. And make money. Yeah. So I started doing it and people liked it. So I was able to keep doing it. But yeah. So I obviously like to drink wine. It's like what my podcast revolves around. You like to drink wine. But I'm engaged to a man who drinks water and coffee.

And that's about it. Like sometimes he'll mix in a light beer, but his body is so ridiculous that he like, he really takes care of it. And he doesn't drink. And I really just don't know how to feel about it. And I want to know your little thoughts on that. I mean, I feel like. If you don't drink, but you look like that, then you're fine. You can get away with it.

And I'll allow it. Really? But, you know, if you don't drink and then, you know, you're not doing anything else for me, then, you know. I get what you're saying. He is so nice to look at in his body is, I mean, I'll stop being a creep now. But I just don't, I'm like, please, just have a glass of wine. Like, we were at sushi last night. and I'm like ordering glasses of wine and I'm like, can you just have one and pretend you like it?

And it's like that one glass of wine he thinks would ruin his workout and I just don't understand. I mean, wine, wine can do that to people. It is disruptive and you just have to give into it if you want to go down that route. That's what I've done. But no, I get what you mean. I am, you know, if you can't throw back a couple, then what do you do? I know. And he totally tricked me because on the show he threw back a lot. And I was like, oh, this guy can hang. And now I'm like, excuse you. Excuse you, but you can have one with me. And then I end up getting like drunk by myself. And then I just feel like a loser at the end of the night because he's like totally sober. And I'm like, well, that's his problem. He has to deal with that. Thank you. I agree. And I will tell him you said so. I'm seeing if we have time. Do we have time to open up phone lines? Matt, do you want to take calls? Would that be fun?

sure sure okay this is going to be so funny because i've never done this before and i feel like people are going to be not so okay it's out there here we go are we ready i'm ready okay i'm more ready i need to just stop on the wine i think i really did chug it for you okay is anyone i i finished my can of wine well get another one in you i you told me your tolerance already so I've got a solution for you because what the heck one can of wine? I think you need four bottles, which is what Bright Sellers is for. You can discover new wines that are delivered directly to you, four personal wine bottles sent to your door each month.

Then you won't run out of cans. It's a fun seven-question quiz. It will build your personal flavor profile to find your perfect wine. And if you don't like a certain bottle, well, guess what? Your wine concierge will help find a replacement. There's wines from all around the world, including Italy, Spain, Portugal, South America, and if you guys want 50% off your first box, all you have to do is go to brightsellers.com slash off the vine and four bottles should do you pretty good for the hour of my podcast.

And if can wine is your thing, maybe they'll send you those too because they seem to know what you love. So go to brightsellers.com slash off the vine for 50% off your first. box. That's 50% off wine. Hi. Sold. Oh, do we have a call? Oh, my gosh, we have a call. I'm nervous. Okay, here we go. Hello. Hi. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to Off the Vine. You're with Caitlin and Matt. Do you have a confession for us? What's going on with you? What's your name, first of all? My name is Allie. I'm a huge fan of yours. Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Alie. You're so welcome. I listen every week. Oh, that makes me happy. Oh, well, good. So I have have a major confession. Okay. We're here to listen and we're here to wash away your sins.

Well, it doesn't have to be washed away. But so I'm back and forth between Austin and college station because I'm in nursing school and I don't really get to see my fiancé a whole lot, nor do I get to see my dog. My dog's home with my mom, you know, so she gets a little bit more attention. And I actually miss my dog sometimes more than my fiance. Oh, I totally get it. Matt, Do you have a dog? No. I live in one of those New York buildings that are like, tell me dogs are sinful. Oh, well, they're the devil.

Just meet one in. Yes. Yeah, get like a little handbag that looks like a purse and get a little chihuahua. Honestly, yeah, I've been plotting it for a while. I might do it. I feel like that's totally understandable because I do the same thing. And I think anybody who is a dog lover can relate to you right now. So, yeah, we don't have to wash away that one.

That's totally acceptable. Okay. Well, he seems to think it's sinful, but I don't think it is. Nope. We're with you, girl. Thanks for calling in. Thanks for having me. Can't wait to hear it back.

You got it. Bye. Bye. Do we have another one? What? Nobody's calling in. Oh, my gosh. Well, yeah, no, we got one now.

Oh, my God. That was like my biggest fear. I'm like, I'm going to put it out there. and nobody's going to call. That would be so embarrassing. Oh, hello? Yeah. Hi. Hi. How are you? What's your name? Taylor. Hi. Are you confessing to us today? What am I confessing about?

Well, I don't know. You're on for Caitlin Confessionals with Matt and myself, and we want to hear a confession. Or if you just want to say hi, what's up, that's cool, too. Oh, my God. I just saw your tweet, and I just wanted to get on the podcast because I listen to you every time you put one out. Well, thank you. Thank you for tuning in. Do you have a question? Do you want anything? What do you got? So when are you and Sean getting married?

Oh my gosh, you would. That's, that's, is that your one question? Well, I have no idea. I promise everybody when we know, you will know. But as of right now, I have no date. I keep saying April 1st, just to fool everybody. But we don't have a date. But, no, I was going to tease you.

Nope, nope, we don't have a date. All right. Well, I'll be waiting for it, and I can't wait. Okay, and go watch Matt's YouTube videos and buy his book because he's freaking hilarious and he is on the line. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Bye. Hello, do we have another caller on the line?

Hi, see you do. Oh, hello. Hi, what's your name? Victoria. Victoria, what's up? Are you confessing to us today? or what's your deal? So I am confessing, and it's kind of like a small one,

but it's one of the things that probably a lot of people do. I just moved into a house, and lately in the mail, it seems like the person who lived there before me had a lot of magazine subscriptions. Oh, boy. So I've been completely taking all the magazines for myself and not at all, like, letting her know. Wait, that's pretty good.

that's pretty good Matt what do you think about that is that is that worth uh washing away her sins with wine or is that pretty funny no i've been on the other end of that where i because i subscribe to like every magazine and i used to in college that happened to me and some i went to their room and they just had a stack of all of my magazines beside their bed like with your name still on it yeah okay wait that's really funny and also like who subscribes to magazines anymore because can't you like read everything online no I want to hold it in my hands I get it do you know what I did the other day with a magazine I opened it I'm sure everyone does this and I went to like zoom in with my fingers with the actual magazine like it was a phone

have you guys done that no I've never been that drunk Matt you're supposed to be on my team oh my god okay well thanks for calling in and enjoy your magazines I will thank you okay bye that's funny that happened to you. Do we have another caller? Hello. Hello. Hi. Who have we got? This is Maddie. Hi, Maddie. You're on with Caitlin and Matt. Hi. Hi. How's it going? What do you calling in for today? Okay, so is this for confessions? Yeah, confess away, girl. Okay, so this is my confession. It happened just two seconds ago. Oh, good. So my best friend Autumn is here with me and she watches the show too. And And like everything you've done, we listened to all your podcasts and everything.

Thank you. And I was in the bathroom, you know, just pooping away. And Autumn was like, Maddie, Kailen has her lines open. And so, you know, I just had to come my poop short and run right in here. Oh, my gosh. You should have called in while you were pooping. I know. I know, but she was in the other room.

I had to run over. Oh, my gosh, that's a great, great confession. Matt, how do you feel about poop talk? You've got to be open about poop talk. Matt's pooping right now as we speak. Good. Good. It's healthy. I'm a nursing student, so like pooping's like, you know.

Oh, yeah, that doesn't phase you. Nothing phases you then. I get excited when people tell me they poop. That's good. That's healthy, healthy. It is, it is. Oh, my gosh. Thank you guys for calling in.

That's amazing. Yeah, thank you. We love you. Love you, too. Bye. Okay, I think we have time for one more. Do we have someone on the line? Hello.

Hi, who have we got? This is Claire. Hi, Claire. You're on with Caitlin Bristow and Matt Bellisai. Oh, awesome. Matt. Hello. What a good guest. I know.

I'm pretty excited about this one. Two Twitter favorites. There you go. Are you confessing to us today or are you have a question? What's up? I am confessing. I love it. Let's hear it.

So, you know those really disgusting pimple-popping videos on mine? Yeah, one of them is you? No, I kind of wish, though, and I watch it every single night before bed. It, like, helps you go to sleep. What? Is that, like, satisfying to you? It is so satisfying, more than any man ever could. I'm dying.

I don't know whether to, like, laugh or throw up in my mouth right now. That's really funny. Oh, my gosh. Matt, what do you think? about that that is repulsive and you should be ashamed of yourself that's why i need y'all to wash away my sins with that you know what you're the first confession we've we've taken a few calls and that's the first one that i'm like that's worthy of um washing away your sins because girl that is that is not okay oh my gosh okay it's very cathartic i recommend it to everyone you're not not for me you know i could

think of other ways to satisfy my needs, but I will drink wine in your honor, and you are not forgiven. Thank you for calling in. Thank you, guys. Bye. Oh, gosh. Was she serious? I don't doubt that she was serious, which is what's a setting.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm like a little offended, and like, I don't feel like that's a way to end the podcast with you right now. like that's that is awful okay i have a question for you to wrap things up um i always like to do like well usually like to do would you rather or um that kind of game but this one is going to just be a simple question and it's if someone had handed you an envelope and inside was the day that you were going to die would you open it oh my god yeah we went what kind of question is this we went from gross to morbid okay um i'm like an obsessive person and i know that if i didn't it would probably drive me crazy yeah so i think i would open it just so i knew and then yeah then i could like

do whatever i wanted because i would know you know i would know that my my life decisions have no effect on when i'm going to die that's true see i couldn't do it i would not want to know and just go on living my life because otherwise I would just like I wouldn't do things and enjoy them I'd be like damn it that sucks yeah I mean it would be sad but hey it's gonna happen see now I'm like that was a dumb question because Sean we were trying to decide like I need to come up with a question that I asked at the end of every podcast and we decided that one and now I'm like wait that's really dark it is but you know what it's got me thinking now I'm gonna live with that there you go okay well we will end it on that note. I'm excited to get your book. It seems right up my alley. And I feel like everyone who listens to this podcast, it's right up their alley too because they're clearly loyal supporters of Caitlin B drinking wine and doing my thing. So everybody go get Matt Belliside's book. Everything is awful. Go buy it. And thank you, Matt, so much for being on the podcast. I wish, oh, actually, well, I will be in New York very soon. And we can actually drink wine together and do part

two of this. You're down? Thank you. I love that. So I was going to end the podcast there, but it looks like everybody wants to keep calling. So I'll take a quick break. And, you know, we all know I talk about anything and everything. So I'm going to talk about Lola.

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subscribe. So again, that's 60% off your first order if you go to mylola.com and enter code vine when you subscribe. And keep those calls coming because I'm coming right back. Hey, everyone. It's former WWE host Lillian Garcia. Let me ask you a question. Do you ever wonder how your favorite stars make it to the big time? Then come check out my new show chasing glory with lillian garcia on podcast one dot com hear me chat with some of your favorite athletes and entertainers about their rise to the top it's about to get real raw and inspiring so join me for new episodes every monday on podcast one dot com the new podcast one app or subscribe on apple podcast now back to off the vine with kately bristow so we were going to close down the phone lines

after the break, but apparently you guys have a lot to confess, and I hope it just gets weirder since the last one. So let's bring on another caller. All right. Hello, who've we got? Hi, this is Bridget. Hi, Bridget. It's Caitlin. How are you? Good. How are you? Oh, you know, I'm drunk, so what's up? Are you confessing to me today? Sure, yeah, I'll confess to you. Okay, I'm ready for you. So, New Year's Day in Philadelphia, there's a parade called Bummers Parade. And it's like people dress up in these, like, crazy sequins things. And they're basically bands, and everybody's just wasted in the street because it's celebrating the new year and all that fun stuff. Love it.

And so I had, naturally, when you're drunk, you need to go to the bathroom every once in a while. Yes. And with hundreds and thousands of people around, there's limited areas. So I went down to the subway with a friend. Yeah. And I went first, and what do I know, a cop walks down the corner. So I'm like, okay, great, I'm going to jail. Oh, my.

So I kind of give them all, like, a fake name, fake address. And I'm like, okay, now that was stupid because they're calling it in. Like, okay, amazing. And then they write me a ticket and say, don't do it again. And I just walk away, rip up my ticket, and throw it in the air. And I'm like, you'll never find me and disappear. into the crowd. You badass. You ripped up a ticket after peeing in public? Yes, I did. That's pretty good. You know what? When I was filling out all of my information to go on the show, my sister was

filling out paperwork for me, and she's like, have you ever been arrested? And I was like, wait, have I? And I was like, no, I haven't. She's like, what? Really? And I was like, I know. Shocking. I really haven't. I have the same, like, people say the same thing to me. And I'm like, I'm genuinely shocked in myself that I've made it as far in life without being arrested. Well, keep going. You're on a good streak. And thanks for calling in. Thanks so much.

Have a good day. Bye. Do we have another one? No, we're still waiting on some. What? But I have one if you want to hear it. Yeah, I want to hear it. Okay.

Wait, introduce yourself. Okay, hi. I'm Heather. I produce the show. I click buttons. I edit things. You're my sidekick. All right.

I'll take that. Yeah. So there was one time I was driving to my friend's friend's house to pick up something for my friend. Yeah. And I committed hit and run on a tree. Oh. Oh. Okay. Was there any witnesses? Um, okay. So it's not like a huge tree. It was like a small shrubbling tree like in the middle of like a roundabout. Oh yeah. Yeah. So it's like it's just sitting there. I went to back up my car and I didn't see it. I just heard. And I turn around, I see the tree falling. And I'm like, oh, my God, I just hit a tree. I hope nobody sees. I look over and there's, like, one woman that's just looking at me while she's, like, waiting for me to move so she can get into her apartment. So you're busted.

Yeah, I never returned that complex ever again. Well, at least it wasn't your own complex and you didn't have to, like, show up there every day. That is true. But now I have, like, a really ugly, like, mark on my bumper just to remind me of. But, yeah, of your little accident. That could have been way worse. That could have been a human. Yeah, it could have been a person.

Could have been a baby. But yeah, that's, I'm glad I got that off my chest finally. You know what? I will wash away your sins with this sip of wine. Thank you, Caitlin. Okay, and I think we got another caller. Okay. Hello?

Hello? This is Caitlin? Hi, this is Caitlin. Oh, my God. I didn't think you'd actually answer. That's why I called, but I don't even know what that has. Wait, does that mean you don't have anything to confess to me? Yeah, so I probably, you probably should just like hang up.

I'm sorry. No. To ask me a question. Do any, what do you want to know? And don't ask me when I'm getting married. Um, yeah, when are you getting married? No, he said, don't ask me that. I don't know. Oh, okay. Do you plan on having kids? Yes. Okay. So, Sean is actually in the studio. He just walked in with Tucker. So Sean, she's asking if we want to have kids. Five. Yeah, Sean wants five. I would like maybe three. Oh, three is the perfect. Christmas card. See, I agree with you on that. Oh, my God. Well, I love you and it was good to talk to you.

I'm good to talk to you too. Thanks for calling in. Okay, bye. Bye. Do you have another one? Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Well, I hope you're happy, Caitlin. I think you broke the phones. Really? Yes. I hope that's what it is. That's awkward if nobody's calling. Yeah, the phones are broken. I think we should wrap it. Okay, we're wrapping things up. We broke the phone lines. Thank you. you for those who called in and confessed. I've washed away your sins. I'm also a little bit drunk now. So thank you for that. Thank you so much for listening. I just wanted to do a little review. I know we all have our wine during this podcast. So I wanted to talk about our sponsors from today. We've got bright sellers, 50% off your first box. Brightsellers.com slash off the vine for wine to your door. We talked about Green Chef. That's $50 off your first order. If you go to greenchef.com slash vine,

We had Lola, which is 60% off your first order, made by women for women, women products at mylola.com promo code off the vine. We've got movement watches, 15% off your order, free shipping and returns. If you go to mvmt.com slash vine and NBC, Megan Kelly's today morning show, which premieres Monday, September 25th, 9 a.m. on NBC. Okay. Amazing. If you guys don't want to miss an episode of Off the Vine. download the Podcast One app, go to PodcastWon.com, or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. I'm Caitlin Bristow, and I will see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Download or listen to new episodes every Tuesday on the Podcast One app, or subscribe on Apple Podcasts, or at Podcasts.

And don't forget to rate, review, and share. Want to know why Attack each day was on top of the iTunes charts in its first week? What the hell's going on around here? I ripped my headphones off, spun around. and fling him. I turn around and my dad is like three inches from my face. And he says, go get him. Gentlemen, we're going to attack this day

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