Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Matt Rife: Dating, Dickmorphia, & Dealing with Haters

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

The one and only Matthew Steven Rife is on the podcast today, in person in Kaitlyn’s brand new and improved podcast studio (pssst… video coming soon!). Kaitlyn just experienced his standup in person and is ready to roast him and get roasted back. KB & Matt are getting into it all: ugly child trauma, taking the low road, starting an OnlyFans, and his feelings about butt stuff. And even though there’s plenty of shooting the shit, they also get real about social media and mental health, Matt’s decision to self-produce his standup specials, and why he’s wildly shocked at his success after performing from age 15. He also reveals what his type is, both physically and personality-wise, for all the women (and men) out there trying to get in his pants and up his butthole, which is pretty much everyone on the planet, it seems. Get your earholes ready, and your eyeballs too as this one will be coming to YouTube in the weeks ahead! Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: MODERN FERTILITY - Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off the fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/offthevine . PROGRESSIVE - Quote today at Progressive.com to try the Nam e Your Price® tool for yourself, and join the over 29 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Welcome to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow.

Get ready to laugh, connect, and feel empowered with Caitlin and her guests as they sip wine. Lots of wine. And get candid. They say vulnerability creates connection. So save the highlight reel for Instagram because. when we're among vinos, there's no filter. It's time to unwind. Here's your host, Caitlin Bristow. This episode of Off the Vine is brought to you by Modern Fertility. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off, the fertility test, when you go to modernfertility.com slash off the vine. And Progressive. Quote today at progressive.com to try the name your price tool for yourself and join the over 29 million drivers.

Who Trust Progressive. Cheers to you. Cheers. To Matthew Stephen Rive. Yeah, full government name. Thank you. Yeah, that's your full government name. You're going to read by Social Security numbers too.

I'm Caitlin Don Bristow and welcome to Off the Vine podcast. Caitlin Dawn. Do you like that? I do like that. That's my aunt's name. Oh, I thought you were going to say uncle and I was going on. I know. My uncle Dawn.

No, my aunt Dawn. Well, I had an Uncle Dawn. And then when I was growing up, I used to hate my mom's name. middle name because did you ever watch full house i you're yeah yeah okay you're like no i'm more of a fuller house guy because you're a baby i can't watch fuller house i cannot get myself to watch it why it's just not the same i get it i've almost a reboot everything it's not necessary i get it um but when i watched stephanie who we both follow on instagram stephaner yeah she came on my podcast too and i remember her making fun of the name don and it scarred me oh no because she wanted to change her name to

Don and I was like, yeah, Steph Tanner and yeah, Dawn's a cool name. And then all her friends and family said, oh, you don't want to be called Don. Then people could call you Donald Duck and go Donda-da-da-da-da-don-da-don-da-don. And I was like, I hate my middle name. What a mean family. Right? I couldn't believe it. They totally were just name-shaming Dawn.

I'm like, I was like, you're supposed to be this loving family. I mean, you don't, preferably you don't want to be named after like dish detergent. Well, oh, Don. Yeah. Why did that take so long to land with me there? I was like, what's he talking about? Oh, dish so. Some of us don't do our own dishes.

Oh, come on. You have more followers than me. You have an assistant. And whoever that is. This is what we need to talk about. Glenda flit over here. She's been my podcast producer for a few years. And she just casually showed up in this outfit.

And I was like. Very casual. And she was like, yeah, cheers. And I was like, so we're not going to acknowledge this. Like, what's going on? And she was like, oh, yeah. Like, this is what I was wearing. whatever. And then it was a whole thing, which you can go out of character for a second and

be Alicia and tell us the story. Okay. Out of character? Yeah. Just take the, yeah. Just take the glass of the team. Still very much yourself. Yes. Because I don't know if I even know the story of what it actually is. Where did? I mean, we came up with the name, Glenda Clint. But so what you were bridesmaid? What happened? I was, um, I was a made of honor. Yeah. Oh, made of honor. Sorry. my bad my bad and we did a beer olympics each of us were like a country and i was italy and so i showed up in this with a mustache and do you know what i would have how i would have dressed up as a country i would have just been a tree with a bunch of naked ladies which country would you have been yeah just a bunch of vaginas in a tree wow are you taking citizenship application

I would love to live there. It's pretty good, right? Worst Keebler else development of all time. Oh my God. It's a country. That's good, right? I like it, actually. I didn't even plan that one.

How do you not have that as merch yet? We should have that as merch. You like the little air fresheners that hang? It's like a little tree. Wow. Are you expecting 10%? Because this is good. 15.

Oh, wow. Absolutely. The guy gets 10 million followers on TikTok and all of a sudden he thinks he gets 15%. I know. We're going to pair you up with Gwyneth Poutro's a vagina candle company. We're going to come up. but the scent. It actually smells really good.

That's good, though. I should do merch around country. You really should. That's going to be a thing now. All vagina-related merch. It's going to sell. Speaking of vaginas. Girls love you.

The ladies love. She's trying not to laugh because she's in Glenda mode. Where the mustache used to be. It's not all glories, is it? Uh-huh. I don't have it. Oh, my gosh. So much happened at your show last night.

Oh, my God. It was the most entertaining thing we've ever experienced. We were laughing at so many different things. Like the 32nd lady, which turned into the whole, like, bit was, but, but she really turned it into a bit, like, for you. I mean, by force. Yeah. She kind of forced herself on the show.

How did that start? Because I don't remember. She was saying something about, you were doing some bowling ball thing about figuring. We were talking about fingering, yeah, and how the next day it hurts your forearms. Yeah. You know, what's tiring is until you wake up the next day. It feels like you went bowling. eight hours the night before and she chimed in it was like it doesn't take that long every woman in

this room can come in 30 seconds and this just became a thing because that's just not true and if it is you're the problem okay that's in 30 seconds i i laughed out loud when you laughed out a lot a few times but when you said what do you domino's pizza like we'll have it to in 30 minutes or less what's the time restraints for like it's not vine like you can do oh the old the vine Yeah, you can do, you have to take your time. Are you scared of TikTok going away? I mean, your Instagram's crushing no matter what, but. No, the followers are starting to kind of convert to other platforms now.

Look, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I wish. No, no, no, no, no. I think the opposite actually. I take a dollar out. Great. Oh, okay. I wish all social media would disappear. Really?

I really, I really wish it. I think it's absolutely horrible. You wish all social media would go away? Yeah, I think it does for strictly mental health purposes or? Yeah, I think it was. I mean, that's a broader landscape of it. But yeah, I think social media does way more bad than it does good. I think it makes people worse.

Yeah. I think people miss out on human interactions. Yes. Everything in person is just better. I mean, this podcast almost happened on Zoom. And I'm glad it didn't. I'm really glad it didn't. I'm really glad it didn't.

And I had the shittiest setup. I was at an Airbnb. You had shitty Wi-Fi. Interesting. Okay. so you wish all social media would disappear do you think it's just stressful it is stressful I definitely agree with you it's stressful I love it though because I was thinking about this even for you you can do this comedy special or even just a TikTok and reach millions of people yeah

which would never that's like how many stadiums like NFL stadiums of people that you get to reach and make people laugh yeah you're pissing a lot of people off because that's what we do if we have a platform we piss people off and we make people happy there's always going to be that duality of it but i'm so you didn't you wouldn't care if the numbers went away as long as you could keep doing what you love to do if the sacrifice for millions of viewers to be able to see a good thing i can put out if a sacrifice for that is making sure an entire generation of people know that it's not okay to talk to people a certain way yeah they're hidden behind a computer screen yeah i would absolutely trade that like social media has turned people into such

they are they really are and i love that word it's little bitches they they really are but what but so do you get a lot of trolls oh my god yeah if you think women love me trolls love me way more oh my god yes what's like the worst thing anyone's ever said to you um it's never like one direct thing and ultimately like i is everyone just trying to cancel you because you have oh my god yeah i try to get people try to cancel me every fucking day i've got a hour right i've got canceled three times last week. It's like, which I mean, thankfully, we're, we're now, like, that pendulum is swinging back.

Like, people are tired of people getting canceled. I agree. Unless you've done a horrific thing. Right. You're not, you're not actually canceled. Canceled means fucking nothing. What am I, a Netflix subscription? Like, you can't, you can't physically, it's another thing about social media.

I hate, like, the slang behind it. Oh, I know. Drives me fucking insane. I know. Everything is the most dramatic version of everything. Oh, he got dragged on the internet. Oh, did I? Did someone come to my house, grab me by the hair and drag me down the hair and drag me down

the pavement of Twitter. It is very dramatic. Because people think they're powerful behind a computer. Yeah. So they use overly dramatic words like that to make them feel like they have an impact on something they're doing when they're just losers. They really are losers. That's why I actually have gotten to a place that I talk about this on my podcast a lot where I'm

most of the time love it. I think it's just so funny. Like, because they're such losers, because they're so ridiculous that things people say to me, I actually like, my assistant was like, why don't you just block that girl? I was like, you kidding me? This is hilarious. This one girl, Beverly, she always reaches out to me,

Beverly, if you're listening, which you probably are. Thank you for the download. She always says to me like, you're disgusting. And she said, do you have a hand disease where your hand is always curled? And I was like, if I did, do you think this is the way to bring it up? That's, I don't know if you caught any of that in the beginning of the show last night where I talk about. Like, it's so funny how people can hate you for something. In matter what you did. Yeah. The things they will say about you in return are way worse than what you did to upset them in the first place. It's insane. I don't

know if you like to repeat material, but could you please explain or give us a story? Because the one you said last night was really funny. I don't know if you remember. There's kind of two stories that combine. One of them is just like the first time I ever got to spend it from Instagram. The other one was arguing with people on Twitter over like an airplane experience. Right. The backpack.

Yeah, I was complaining about like this airline almost made me check my backpack when it really like wasn't a problem or anything. And I didn't fully caring out. You know what I mean? I wasn't like this is an outrage. I just went on Twitter and was like, this is a stupid rule, you know? And anybody who flies relatively often

knows how inconsistent the rules are and they're different at every flight that kind of stuff. Then I complained about this bag and people were like so fucking angry at me for just complaining about my bag. Like people were giving me death threats like literally being like,

I hope there's a plane crash because you're so ungrateful for being in first class and not wanting to check your bag and all this kind of shit. You're like, wait, I thought if people have an opinion, we go to Twitter.

Yeah. That's what you're doing. What it's for. It's what y'all live for. Is this kind of drama? Do you find the meanest people on Twitter or TikTok or YouTube or where? No, Twitter's the worst. Yeah, that's what I think, too.

Twitter should be, Twitter has to go first. If any of the social media is going to disappear, Twitter is a f***ing cesspool. Because, like, I feel like more strangers find your shit on Twitter. It's the most sensitive. It's the most dramatic. Instagram and TikTok is more based on your content, I think. But Twitter's just words. So, fuck Mary Kill, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok.

Killing Twitter. Fuck. Because I don't love Instagram either. As a business, I don't like them. Right. Yeah, it's weird. I think I have to marry Instagram, though, just for the sustainability. It's where most of my business gets done.

That's fair. And I'd f*** to TikTok just because for some reason, my 4U page insists on there being unlimited bad bitches on the internet. I don't understand. I don't follow any of these girls. And my entire 4U page is just hot girl after hot girl. Really? It's unlimited. I've got to tell you.

it's hurting y'all stock as a bad i hate that there's a lot of naturally beautiful people in the entire world yeah that's just what it is this just gives you access to all of them at once so insane like it's got to be so i'm not in a relationship right now but i imagine it's got to be tremendously harder to address that kind of temptation because you realize yes i'm with a person i love i care about and they're beautiful and i'm attracted to them obviously right but you're like oh my god i had no idea this person existed yeah but there's 300 000 other super hot people I had no idea existed. It's true.

It's so hard. It makes everybody seem so... It makes everything just seem so much more vast. It's crazy. That's another good point as to, like, getting rid of all social media. I feel like it's so, like, attainable to go get all these... Oh, yeah. Especially in your position.

I saw the girls there last night. Like, everyone thinks they're going to fuck you. Okay, so we're supposed to go to the OBGYN once a year for our annual checkups, but checking with our fertility. isn't usually a thing until we're ready for kids and struggling to get pregnant. And that's exactly why modern fertility was created to help solve this problem. So I'm such a fan of modern fertility because it's an easy and affordable way to test your fertility hormones at home with a simple little finger prick. And trust me, I did it.

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Does it scare you? when you go out there like somebody's going to fuck this up for me or are you like I can deal with it? It's more just like annoying. It's I bet. It's people forget it's still a live performance show and like yes I have the option to make it

interactive if I want to but like other than that in what other performance based art or show would you just yell out something? Right. You wouldn't go to Hamilton in the middle of your favorite music number go yes! Yes!

as people would be like, shut the fuck up. That's okay. That's an insane thing to do. To your same point, would you like that to sit there for an hour and have people just laugh and silently clap? Or would that be weird for a comedy show? It's, you know what? This is where it becomes a little bit tricky because both are fun.

Yeah. For different, it depends on what you want. Like, I'm in the process of building my new hour for my next special. So I'm working on material. I'm doing a lot of new stuff that, like, I have. have to do this properly, the way I thought it out to do it with no interruptions, to see if it works and how it's going to work and how it can manipulate it and change it for the next show. So that keeps getting interrupted by stuff.

I'm never going to know how to properly analyze that joke. Now, sometimes I want chaos. Sometimes you do a show and you're like, let's just have a good time with some good, crazy energy to talk to some funny people. But the problem is that gets out of control. You talk to one person and then everybody else goes, oh, he's talking to people now. My turn. My turn.

My turn. totally and then they start shouting out shit where you're like I know what you're doing and you're trying to get on my TikTok real because it's so respectful what you do as a stand-up comedian and it's so brilliant but people obviously are there to see you do your crowdwork because it goes so viral on TikTok do you feel like that takes away from your like what you love to do and your talent of doing the actual stand-up a little bit but like you can't you can't blame them entirely because it's like if that's what they're used to seeing that's what they expect you know so it's like there's so many people coming to my shows that have never been to

comedy shows before yeah so they don't know that you're supposed to come just sit laugh and listen right now they just come and they think it's a conversation the entire time oh my gosh so it's like i i don't mind waning them into like people started to yell out stuff or whatever the first sign is like i ignore you yeah if i'm if you know i heard you if you yell something out you know i heard you i don't acknowledge you it's like that should be your sign they're like oh he's not trying to talk to me right now social cues very well not at all it's insanity. It really is. So I don't mind it, but the thing is

like you, kind of like you mentioned, you're not going to force me. Yeah. You're not going to do it just because you think you're going to end up on my TikTok or whatever or make the show about you. That's not how it's going to work. If I want to talk to you, I'll talk to you. Yeah. You would think. But yeah, some people, it's super obvious. You're like, oh, yeah, you're just trying to get like 30 seconds of fame right now.

You know what I thought was brilliant? I said, I, there should be if I was to ever do stand up, I would hire people and plant them in my crowd. And then I would like, have everything set up where I just look like this quick-witted genius. That's one of the troll's favorite things to say on my

they don't take that. Oh, that's a planted person. That's a fake person. I'm like, do you have any idea? The coordination it would take. Because we also it's also almost every show it happens. Like imagine you think I have that many friends. I thought this out for you. Yeah. I thought it out because I was like that would actually be impossible and you can't I saw it firsthand. You're

not doing that obviously. But I was like that would be just way more work and you'd have to like hire people and pay them and yeah yeah you can't even afford an assistant that's what i'm saying it's brutal out here i don't have that kind of mob mentality i don't i don't have this whole crew that can just support all my fake crowdbook videos i can't admit that's one of people's favorite things to come i didn't know that saying yeah it's so funny to me last night i thought oh that would be that that that's what i would do i just don't think i'm that good of an actor to be able to stay on it the entire time and be that fast like it just comes naturally sometimes or sometimes it doesn't

Did you, I know you said last night something about your ex watching the show. Did you watch my season? I did not. Okay. So Amy Schumer was one of my dates and we did stand up. And I was so good, do sure? No, I was good. I think it's fine.

Yeah, if I could get there, we'll see. You're the judge. Okay. But I, she taught me so much because she goes, well she taught me two things and they were really genius because she said you go up there and these guys already have you on a pedestal like what you're already winning but she said if anything doesn't land because it was in front of a full crowd too just tell you tell everybody I told you to say that and I was like okay amazing and then so two people it was against me

and another girl to be the bachelorette and the guys had to decide oh obviously they chose me do you think so dollar yeah I didn't have to say obviously obviously. So then she was like, or just make fun of Brit. And that was the other girl. Thank you. Did you roast the other girl? Yeah. So I would just like, if nothing landed, thank you. You're welcome. I would just roast her or blame Amy. But did you say something last night about Jeff Ross? Or did somebody? Somebody that opened for you was talking about Jeff Ross. Maybe one of them did. Do you know, you obviously know who that is? Okay. Okay. So he, I served him at a restaurant before I even went on TV. And he was sitting with somebody in.

Jimmy Kimmel and I was serving them at this restaurant and I was like, oh, he's the guy that does the roast. And I was like, what would you even say to me if, if you were going to roast me, which I'm sure. That's the worst thing you could ask. You didn't let me fit it. I was going to say, which I'm sure it's probably the most annoying thing. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, you're a comedian.

Everyone tweet is, I'm coming here a show tomorrow. Roast me. I hope you roast me. Like, it's not how it works. He and he was a good sport about it. Now looking back, I was like, oh, I'm an idiot. But he did. And he goes, well, what else do you have going on for yourself besides,

waiting on tables like a real career woman over here and I was like oh god went deep damn less of a roast more of a fucking parent yeah it felt it did not feel good and then I was like well actually I do nanny for like a little boy on the side and he goes well if you were my nanny I'd suck my thumb dolls 42 and then I was like is that I thought that was a compliment I think it is yeah I think so less of a roast more of a compliment right and I was like okay now I feel better about this but I feel like the roasting thing is funny but it has to come naturally. Oh, of course.

You can't force it. Well, thank you. Like, I mean, as you saw last night, not all of it's funny. Sometimes you don't get something. It's, it was all funny. Well, thank you. I'm not just saying that. But you don't, you're not going to have good banter with everybody.

You know what I mean? Like, you talk to a, you run a podcast. You talk to some boring people from time to time. It happens. We don't have to say names at all. No, you're just not always going to have that banter with people, you know? And every audience is so different. When you did your stand up for the show, what was the audience?

Was it the studio audience? Was it the other contestants? Like what was the audience you were performing for? It was the guys that I was dating. Okay. How many were there at that point? There were, I think, 10. Okay.

And then it was front of a table of comedians as well. Then all the producers and then whoever they brought in, I don't know. That's not ideal. I want you to know that right now. That would be hard for even me. You're so sad. But your audience plays. Oh, my God.

I know. I'm going to steal him. I know. He's a name. now your audience is it changes every single time which makes the show so unique every single time did you just like come out of the womb

making jokes or was this something that you developed from being an ugly child definitely trauma yeah for sure you definitely learn how to defend yourself in jokes or you know or you get bullied or something like that you're like well rather than everybody see it hurts me how about we just make a joke about it now I'm on their side as well you know and now the joke's on them because you're like

not only am I hot I'm also funny and selling out wherever you're selling out everywhere But I was asking people questions on Instagram, like, what we should ask you. And they were like, ask him about being an ugly kid. And I was like, oh, is that a thing? That's why I said that. Oh, yeah.

So you really, really hit me so late. No. Like, literally like 23, I would say it was like around the time I started to like get a jaw line and like my cheeks and shit like that. And it happens so drastically. That's a troll. I was going to say, I bet people are like, oh, do you get the jaw implant? Oh, my God. He's a massive plastic surgery.

Oh, I get that all the time. Look, it also feels that way to me. I know I didn't look like this 10 years ago. It's weird to me too. I've had absolutely nothing you done except for my teeth. I got my teeth done, which is the best decision. Oh, I want to do my teeth too. Do not touch your teeth.

You have great teeth. This is what the internet does. See, I think it's funny, but really, it's just... Absolutely not. No, I needed it. I had Ohio teeth. What are Ohio teeth? Google Ohio teeth.

Just like, picture like a fence with a bunch of missing boards out of there. That's Ohio chief? I had a giant gap in the middle. All my teeth were much smaller. I had gaps between a bunch of different ones. I was born with mess mouth. I think I saw a photo of you from like back in the day. Probably.

And now that you say the gap, but I love a gap in a, yeah, I love it. You see, girls will say that because it's like, oh, he has a flaw.

Oh, he's not perfect. Imperfections are so sexy. Oh my God. You know who says that perfect people? I wish I had something wrong with me. That's so cute how you have like a little like, what do you like,

like ill? Oh my God, that's so cute. A little terminal illness. You're so cute. But that's, I've gotten plenty of Botox to fix my flaws, but I have, I have character flaws, but like I am a 10, but I have character. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Oh, shit. That might even call for a fiber. Shit. Damn. On cue. I'm really inducing it up over here. Okay, I got to watch myself because I can't afford, I got to pay my assistant. I can't afford any more.

You don't know if you owe her some money. Yeah. Wait, what was it? Oh, the teeth. Okay. I won't touch my teeth. I did Invisaline and then I don't know. I'm a freak. And so I'm a perfectionist is the problem. That's not a bad thing. Are you a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to like your stand up and or are you kind of like. I think with everything. Stand up. Yeah. My looks as well. You are. Dickmorphia. All that good stuff. Dick morphia. Yeah. Oh, like body dysmorphia.

Oh, of course. You think you have a small wean? I don't think it's small. I think it's totally fine. But do you joke about it being small? That means it's huge. I mean, well, yeah. I definitely would rather underplay it than be like, oh, I've got a big dick. And people are like, you think, man, that's so cute. That's so cute. I genuinely don't believe.

You have to set the bar low. Oh, of course. But also, like, I watch porn. So, like, I know how big dicks get. And I'm like, well, bless up. But I bet they're not funny. They're not, like, charming and a good person, you know. That's what I always say about being part of the itty bitty titty committee.

I'm like, yeah, but I don't need big boobs. I've got a personality. I've got an assistant. Oh my God. I'm being really douchey today. I think it's like the juice. No, that was okay. I'll let that's thought.

I highly ooped you for that one. Thank you. Thank you. This week's grape therapy is brought to you by progressive insurance. And most of you listening right now are multitasking. While you're listening to me talk, you're probably driving, cleaning, exercising, grocery shopping, walking the dogs. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there is something else that you can be doing right now.

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$698 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2021 and May 2022, potential savings will vary and discounts are not available in all states and situations. So you built a personnel and humor do you like I grew up in a really small town in Alberta and Canada oh my God like this small town and I always said that's where I got my like like I was always trying to abuse my imagination or like do crazy things or like perform for my family like I'd sing oh Canada before dinner to like perform and I always wanted to like have this stage and it was like this I was like get me out of this small town was that how you were but I think the dream was there yeah yes but like it wasn't

like a realistic thing really my town is also very very small like one stoplight i think my graduating class was like 50 people oh yeah okay mine was 300 oh my god yeah so i'm big city living okay cut it in that's crazy uh very very small there was just really no like there was there was no outlet for us like it's just school friends and family with the only people like really like perform for we didn't think of it is that you were just right i guess these people think i'm funny so right i can be goofy because they all think i'm funny so i have the confidence yeah i guess yeah and then I just kind of started stand up when I was like 15 and then I realized like oh it's like a business kind of right and it was just a hobby for a while and kind of one thing led to another and I was like I think this is what I want to do and nobody of my family's ever been to college so like there was no pressure like nobody leaves my hometown everyone you know everyone lives the same life they get pregnant then they graduate high school yeah and then they get a job working in town yeah that's pretty much it but I always want to know for you now I'd always say that this you know you're good looking

I really don't think so stop I believe and I'm aware the other people think so yeah but I think I'm fine okay so how are you fine but fine fine like on a like scale of one to ten you think you're like a hard six soft seven

oh well if I was soft seven I wouldn't have dix morphia I think we'd all we'd all be very happy and confident at all times let's see looks one I would say, I don't know, probably like a 8.3 maybe. Oh, great. Yeah, I think it's like slightly above average maybe.

Okay, so because tens don't exist. Oh, well, if tens aren't existing, then I'm backing down to like 7.8. Because to me, tens don't exist. A nine is like Megan Fox. She's on my vision board. I think Austin Butler's a 10. Harry Styles is a 10. No.

Really? Did that camera go out? Are we being haunted? Oh, you love ghosts Oh, I do Is your house haunted? No I swear it is

Wait, really? Yes, I heard people Walking up here What? Was it the dogs? Am I bad luck? Wait, so you don't believe in crystals, but you do believe in manifesting

I don't know I mean crystals for sure Not manifesting, maybe But it's like what is manifesting? Is it the universe? Is it God? Right. Is it your own energy?

like I don't I don't know maybe I guess we'll never know but I've definitely had some things happen that I'm like I've I've I said this to myself a million times even if it was just subconsciously or something but something I was like day to day like yeah I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this and then it has and it did happen and I was like I talk about that so much that it did happen I don't or is a coincidence no no no I don't believe in coincidences I also but here's the thing you also have to put in the work to be in a position for make certain things happen I agree So it's, I don't believe in like, like, I don't think you're lucky. I think you deserve and you've worked hard to get to where you've been.

But I think you've actually envisioned your life a certain way and that's why you're here. You might not have envisioned the social media aspect of it, but having millions of people laugh at your humor, you have thought about that without even realizing it for your, since you were young. Well, let that be a lesson to your fellas out there. Don't feel bad about yourself. If you just envision eight inches, you will. We'll get it. It will come to you. Just, I don't know.

I'd baby tie a brick to it and you can drop it up a second story. Balcon, whatever you got to do, put in the work, but manifest it and it will come true, okay? I'm not. I don't know. I'm not kidding. I think you could grow a larger penis from manifesting. There's no way. I do think there is a way.

I think I, I'll never forget. Do you want me to give you a second? What do I do tiger eye, jade? What is a quartz? what's what's the dick growth serum no you need all of those and then you need to i'm not even gonna i'm not even gonna tell you i'm a psycho for this stuff and when you're making fun of it last night alicia just kept laughing up me i mean glinda um because i was like fuck that's me shit but so many things have come true for me maybe i love the idea of crystals but i do believe in manifesting

because i've done it so many times in my life like i have pictured this house i knew i was going have two golden retrievers like all these things where I'm looking back at this list going well no shit I've but I pictured it I had dreams about it no whether you manifested or not I think people also have to be aware of like of being careful what you wish for because like you might think totally something but take TV for example you get on you get on the bachelor right not bachelor right that's both I was on the bachelor and then I was the bachelor's either one of them you get on there and you're like wow this is a dream come true yeah you have a flood of hate coming in on Twitter and on this kind of stuff.

There's so many downsides to the things you thought you wanted. Maybe when you get them, you go, I didn't know all this came with it. And maybe I didn't actually want this. No, I did. Be careful of it sometimes. You do have to be careful of it. I do agree with that. I will say that I feel like, I remember Kim Kardashian saying something.

Like, I know I could, I can be in this position like I have thick skin. I can like handle the hate. I don't think I could before, but now I feel like I can. Like now I'm like, I actually don't really care. Well, you get to a certain point. you go like you become a little self-aware of the success you're having and you realize that like nobody

I forget whose quote this is this is not mine I think it might it might be Joe Rogan I don't know right I even mentioned Joe Rogan and the camera was like nah we don't we don't toxic masculinity around here wow cancel the battery so the quote was it means a very general quote

but like you you've never had somebody who hates on you is never doing better than you ever only time I've ever found myself talking shit about somebody when I really thought about it I go I'm jealous to this person yeah I know I am they're they're doing something I'd rather be doing and that's that's why I feel this way yeah and most so people some people aren't aware of like that's why they don't like people it's it's it sucks you know yeah but that also that helped you tune it out once you realize that and remember that like you these are people a lot of times that are so fucking

miserable with their life yeah they see you living the life they could only dream of having and then they take out that anger on you rather than being supportive of it right to where helps you share the love right back yeah i know and that's what i've learned to where i've turned um like let's say seven years ago i would find myself getting jealous of like other upcoming bacheloretts or like the people that were doing and i was like i really did some like deep diving and i was like oh it's i just don't want to feel like i'm not good enough anymore so then i started to learn that actually working with people like help me help you where we could all work together and And it actually makes me feel better.

It helps you. It helps me. Like, it's, it's so stupid. Jealousy is so stupid. It really is. I mean, it happens, obviously. It sucks because, I mean, a lot of people just aren't happy in their own life. Yeah.

You instinctually just take that out on somebody else. It's not fair to either one of you. It's not going to help you get through what you're going through in the first place. Sending either one of us a mean tweet changes nothing for you in your life. Right. That's the worst part about it. It maybe gives me a giggle. Yeah.

If anything, now I go, oh, this person's sad. I'm like, oh, and now you're trying to. And kind of like when I said it a bit last night, it's like, oh, you're saying mean things to me. And now, now I have to say them back to you. And I'm going to make you way sadder than you were in the first place. Yeah. I love a clap back.

I moment. Like, in my DMs, I'll just sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll pick and choose. But sometimes when I get them back, it's, I'm like, like, it feels so good. It feels so good. It's like, it's so immature and petty. Oh, I know. But that's okay. Isn't that something that's so annoying about, like, being professional as you're like,

I'm not professional. You shouldn't be saying these things back. People love to go, oh, you're a, you're a celebrity or you're famous. Be the bigger person. Take the high. Oh, you know. That. Low road.

They deserve to get their feelings hurt just as much as I do. I agree. That's insane. I agree. I'm petty like that too. Oh, absolutely. And I'm not like, when they go high or when they go low, you go high. I'm like, no, no, no.

I'll meet them where they are. at absolutely and i will go just as low if not lower oh yeah and feel really good about it yeah like if you think you're going to roast me you have no idea what i'm going to do to you back this is what i do oh yeah i'll i'll hurt your feelings for did you know that did you expect this kind of success or is it like completely shock shocking to you wildly shocking really incredibly and you know it's been a roller coaster because i've been doing it for so long i started at 15 i'm 27 now and one thing that fucked me up that I wish people didn't tell me. I know they were saying a nice thing, but it did so much subconscious damage to me that I didn't

even realize. So when I was like 15, 16, 17, I was already like doing well. Yeah. And like everyone kind of knew me as like this kid in the scene or whatever. Yeah. And everyone would always say the same thing. Like, oh, man, you're going to be so famous. Like, if you're not a millionaire by 25, like you f*** up.

And I was not a millionaire by 25. So my 25 hit, I was like, did I fuck up? Right. Like, did I miss the window for success that everybody thought I was going to have? Yeah. And that definitely, like, brings you down a little bit, become very self-conscious. You feel a little bit like a failure.

Like, I miss that opportunity. And then at a certain point, but that actually needed to happen. Yeah. It brought me down to such a level of like, fuck it. Yeah. Or like, no opportunities were coming in. It was completely on me to make something happen or not. And reluctantly, I did.

I mean, you, you self-produced your comedy show, which is impressive. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, both of the first ones that we, both of them we did. Did you get in trouble for having OnlyFans name? No. So what's funny is I thought of the name OnlyFans for marketing purposes. It's genius.

Thank you. Genius. But it was also for that because I made it for my fans. You know what I mean? Like so many of my fans can't make it out to see my shows. And I'd been working on this material for years. I was tired of doing it. I was like, I don't want to just throw it away or stop doing it.

So I was like, I made it specifically for my fans. And it was also crowdfunded. I think we raised like $20,000. Oh, that's awesome. to do it, which I didn't expect anything. I was like, let's just see if anybody wants to support it. So it was made by them and for them. So the title made sense.

So it was on YouTube for like, oh God, probably eight or nine months. And I get an email from OnlyFans. And I just saw like their like official email. I thought for sure it was like a cease and desist. You got to change your shit immediately. But instead they were like, hey, we love the special. We'd love to work with you in some capacity. So now you're on OnlyFans.

I had one for like three months. And then I. Stop. Yeah, I can't do it. It's so aggressive. What were you posting? Just like some shirtless stuff. Just like some gym pictures and stuff.

And you just know girls were touching their turtle tails to it? You said it last night and it stuck. She was being mean, okay? Turtle tail. She was being mean, so I had to be meaner, okay? Give context, Elise. You're going to be canceled again. I said it.

This was the same woman who was being rude about the 30 second coming in 30 seconds. She was saying that, like, guys, like me can't please. a woman or whatever so I had to clap back and I may have said some harsh things. I loved it. I thought it was brilliant. What was I saying? I don't know. Only fans. Oh yeah. It wasn't women.

It was all gay men. Really? And I got to say if at times I wish I had no pride or I didn't want any kind of like professional career. I could have made so much fucking money if I did everything people requested me to do on only fans. just offering tens of thousands of dollars for dick pics and I'm like I just can't do it what if you didn't have dick morphia would you do it no it's not that it's like I've got some good

angles I've got some stock photos right here case I'm on the road or something but I just I'm like I want a family someday fair and I'd rather it not be out there I've already sent so many for free then I'm like let's not devalue it have you ever seen big daddy the movie yeah yeah You know when they put on their like sunglasses and then they can say whatever they want? Yeah. Oh, boy. I got you like Harry Potter style. All right.

Well, what racial slur are you going to use? What you say whatever you want? Whatever you want. Oh, boy. Nobody can see you. Yeah. Do you like butt stuff? What?

On me or on them? Like, do you like butt stuff? I don't like my butt hold being touched at all. Okay. I don't even go near. So it inspired me because you said you had a lot of guys that were So I wondered if you dabbled

Or no I'm I don't want it Every girlfriend I've ever had is like constantly trying to Me with her finger really every girl I'd ever date is like just let me in there I'm like no they're like you don't understand it's gonna make you come so much harder I'm like coming already feels so good Yeah I don't need to go in harder I really don't need to up the Annie

I don't need to I don't need to shoot a whole through the drywall Like what do you want from me I don't need extra I'm okay I can't you took me seriously you look good in yours I have to see her with gougly eyes

probably I sell outer all yeah it actually they suit you you can keep them if you want but that's what I do when I want to feel like I could say something

that I feel like maybe look at Glenda gets it she thought there were there studies on the whole time just a loose can and ready to fire so okay so you worked with

only fans for a little while you're over it your new special tell me about it uh it's called matthew stephen rife and you found out last night it hit a million views in like two days yeah we're at 1.2 million in two days which is insane you wouldn't have that without the internet bro i know i know i know but you know if i could save the world mental health issues i i i respect that i would trade it okay i'm great what's insane i i'm not a fan of the internet as as i'm sure you can tell so it's just it's amazing how much it likes me i guess yeah you're i was gonna say lucky no you worked hard for this but i feel like you can feel two things at once it's one of my favorite things to talk about you can be grateful for the internet and i can hate it at the same

time absolutely yeah yeah it's i'm i'm incredibly grateful for it but now it's like i i hope to get to the level of success where i don't need it anymore you know that's yeah i mean your five-year plan is yeah film and television for sure yeah i mean comedy always but i'd love to make You don't think in five and ten years, you'll, everyone should just actually have social media. Or maybe someone could run it for you so you don't have to even touch it. You know, that gets offered to me to this day. But I'm still, I don't know if this goes back to being a perfectionist or whatever, but I just like things posted a certain way. And I know, I know you can train somebody or teach them how you like things done, but it's still not exactly you, you know.

Where can people find your, just, it's on YouTube? Yeah, the newest special. Why don't I think you had something on Netflix? Nope, nothing. nothing on Netflix but YouTube is cool I'm just getting into the YouTube space and I feel like people are re-falling in love with YouTube yeah it's got pros and cons the con is probably like they're they're cracking down on more like sensitive content which sucks they are yes oh no yeah they're well that's the woke world we live in unfortunately yeah everyone wants

to be a little bit more protected um which I kind of like being like the rebellion towards that you know what I mean because like most of the population doesn't give a fuck they're not offended by everything in the entire world. They're not worried about every other person's feeling. And when I say every other person, I mean 0.000 1% of the population. Yeah. And like that I want to adhere to that

market, even though it might not be the most publicly friendly thing to advertise. I think that's why people love it. Exactly. Like those fans are still there. Like there's so many people who are tired of woke, politically correct comedy. It's like, can we just say some goofy shit without people getting offended all the time?

And YouTube has always been good for that. Netflix has reeled back a little bit like they're for example I mean how much trouble can I get and they're already not working with me but like they won't book X amount of like white male comedians per year really you could be the biggest star on the planet but if they reach their

white male quota for the year they're like well one more just makes it look like we have no diversity which is like that's interesting that's not really fair or right I think it should be it should be content first and so YouTube's starting to go that way YouTube's starting to get that way a little bit not as

not as strict but they're still the best for like it's so accessible you know like if I want to share something with you on YouTube I can just text you the link yeah that's true you don't have to have a Netflix account

on that kind of stuff so it's the most accessible they have a really good algorithm you own all your own content you can monetize off of it and everything yeah so I mean it still has way more pros and cons and I'm hoping they catch on to people being like come on please don't do this to us

so many people have smart TVs too is that what they're called smart TVs where they can just pull it up it's like they're watching it's not like you have to watch it on your phone No, no, you can pull it up on the big screen. Yeah. And so many people watch YouTube.

I had no, I never watch YouTube. Me either. I'm never on there. That's why we decided to start doing YouTube because I'm like, wow, people love it. Oh, yeah, I couldn't believe. I think we're at like half a million subscribers on there now. And I have, I posted, I have two videos. It's two specials on there are like really the only videos I have on there.

When I posted the first one, OnlyFans, I think I had 12,000 subscribers and two tiny videos up. Don't you think that says something, though, about, being super like authentic and true to yourself with like not giving a fuck about what people think you should be as a comedian these days well i think that's just kind of the potential productivity that comes out of feeling like you're at rock bottom like i had mentioned like i was at such a point of like it i'm not worried about offending people i'm not a fear i'm not worried about adhering to a certain like network standards or anything like that because everyone already doesn't me yeah so i might as well just do my own thing what's the worst that could

happen and luckily people found me and liked it i guess yeah i love that i think it's no it's it makes sense and it gives me a little bit hope because i think i i love when people can just say it i'm going to do what i love i love or i'm going to do what i don't care what other people think if they're going to cancel me or whatever oh yeah because i think you get success from being that way oh yeah the industry convinces you that like they need you to be a certain way yeah for them to be the gatekeepers to having any kind of success in show business and that's not true at all. For years, I was like, dude,

am I not talented enough to gain fans or get on a TV show or get a comedy special? Yeah. And lo and behold, all it took was just publicity, the access to me to figure out to, because I didn't get tremendously funnier over the past two years. It just kicked in, you know,

it just, you know, it needed the accessibility and the way for people to find me. Yeah. Shout out to social media for that, I guess. Thanks. eye roll that's so funny i love that you hate social media um okay so i always confess or get guests to confess something to me on the show were you prepped for this oh i was not it was in the email got lost in translation he was the bad Wi-Fi yeah it was a bad Wi-Fi

two months ago oh a confession is there any like theme to the confession okay well like for me when I heard you saying that you're just scrolling hundreds of thousands of beautiful women like do you ever hook up with your fans um no not really no I want it's something juicy where people at home would be like whoa I didn't know that about them oh I could inspire you with a couple confessions could you well yeah let me know like the level they're on I don't want to oh it can go real dark like what's the weirdest confession we've ever is it that like I've blown a snot bubble before or I've shit my pants it's like I've murdered blowing us yes oh shit like um that's why you're so worried about ghosts

Because you murdered somebody. I didn't murder anybody. I murdered a few crowds. But not last night. It was a nightmare. That's one of the first videos I saw of you. And I was like, Alicia was like, yeah, I've been telling you about this guy forever. And it was when you, I always talk about it.

It's when you were like talking about ghosts and you were like, yeah, I died from too much pus or something. Oh, my God. The woman was talking about how she saw a ghost in the mirror. It was like, the only thing I've ever seen in the mirror is in the mirrors is handsome-ass dude. The ghost of somebody who died from so too much pussy. Yeah. So stupid.

God, that was in like Connecticut, I think. Your kind of humor is exactly aligned with our kind of humor. Oh, thank God. It is right up our alley. And I friggin love it. Okay, I have, oh, yeah, no, you have to think of a convention. If one doesn't come to you, you can think about it because I have one more game to play with you and then that's it. Inspire me.

And get the fat at my house. I'm staying. I'm playing with the dogs for the next three hours. Okay, I'm going to go, I'm going to go light. Okay. And if you're like, no, something juicier than that. Okay, that's fair. My ex-girlfriend broke this news to me.

And it's not important that she was an ex-girlfriend, but it was just, that's who happened to break it to me. Up until last year, I thought your fingernails grew from the tips. It's like whenever I would see it, girl would like press on nails and like it'd be like riding up on the cuticles i'd always be like why didn't you get it all the way down and they're like they grow and i'm like yeah but like from the tips it still makes sense to me okay because here's a thing because after she broke this to me i go all right well all right so it's not like hair then she goes hair's the same way and i go no i still don't know if that's true that doesn't make sense you think hair grows from the ends yeah i think it

might it's scientifically proven i think about it like this okay so the hair on your arm right yeah so it only grows to a certain length yeah right and if you cut it in half it's only going to go back going to grow back to that length right so it makes more sense to me that it would know to rejuvenate that amount on the top from the top rather than it pushing through your skin to be like no we're going to make up for lost ground how does the bottom of it know how much to recoup on the top this doesn't make any sense you make a fair point but you're also very wrong fuck yeah that was that was pretty embarrassing when i found that out yeah that's a bad one yeah so not totally convinced okay did you get manicures i don't i always get told i have very soft hands

which is crazy i'm not a big lotion guy no would dry you don't use lotion not really no for a guy who i watch this porn that's kind of weird more of a dry rub kind of guy you know some people go to buffalo wild wings like a wet sauce i'm a dry rub I'm a dry rub kind of guy I'm a I'm a lemon pepper or masturbator, definitely for sure. The dry rub. Oh, my God. Yeah, you have to be careful. After like round five or six, you're like, okay, or it's a little bit.

Five or six. Holy shit. What's your record? Oh, it's probably two or three. In a day? Yeah. So sad. Oh, is that bad?

Yeah. What's yours? I already did my confession. I don't think it's really important. Oh, God. This is more impressive. This isn't a confession. I would think yours would be higher than mine because I think.

I feel like, I could be wrong here. Educate me if I'm wrong. But like, I feel like once a woman comes, like she's more apt to be able to do it over and over again, right? So I feel like if you're really just hitting a stride one day, you could just go and go and go, right? Because women can come in multiple times in one session. Are you getting your information from the 32nd lady?

Yes. 100%. And Mormons. Yeah. So all my sexual. We start with bust up, right? Tell me you grew up in Ohio without telling me you grew up in Ohio. Can women not do that?

I'm, can you? Oh, there's some wrong with me. Put your glasses on and answer it again. She's like 500 times. 52 yesterday. Disgusting. God, I thought it smelled funny. I knew.

See, my record. I was probably early 20s. Are we talking sex or masturbation? Either. Whatever the highest record is. Oh, the masturbation for sure. Oh, God. I was probably, yeah, probably like early 20s.

in a hotel room just bored on the road somewhere with nothing to do it's probably like 10 to 12 yeah I know my publicist is not going to be happy I said that but whatever yes they will if they're good publicist that's the headline right there

the teaser trailer yeah that's exactly what we're using at a certain point you're like I'm just why not roll the dice again I feel like you're just blowing smoke at that point yeah I think you stop coming at like seven or eight I would imagine but it's still there

you get the feeling a little bit of it but again you're just so bored and you're so hormonal and horny for no reason yeah boys are so different though do you ever just have like the waves of like horniness hit you like I'll go I'll go a month sometimes where I don't even think about sex and then for like two weeks straight I'm like all day I'm like I just I just want right now that's more

relatable I feel like men in general are hornier than women though I've heard opposite from women that's fascinating okay obviously something is But I disagree, though, because there's no way women are as horny as men because we jerk off in our cars. You guys have to get it out. It's like a thing.

Yeah. I mean, pretty much every morning. Really? Yeah, that's like my coffee every morning. Brush your teeth. Yeah. Not at the same time. Yeah, I'm not like, I'm not just, what is the pat your head and rub your stomach?

Yeah, I'm not pulling and scrubbing. You're like, oh, no. Oh, God. Glenda. Just before a girl comes over, I just wanted to be meant to be meant. see fresh you know Glenda bro

who invited you I hope that camera's still on you because that's also being used in the clip yes we're good okay that's good this is good material okay I'm playing one game with you before I let you go

it's called match maker swipe left or rife wow you put some bottom of this you know what I did and then I was like I should have just like let that roll off the tongue instead of being like swipe left or

rife i should have just let it flow i liked you taking your time oh you did yeah it made it way worse i love it okay who we're matching with okay are you on dating apps no i think i'm on raya but i'm i haven't been on in forever i think i have an account i'm just waiting for the subscription on out for the guy bought the year i think they have a thing against bachelor people like i've heard so many girls that come off the bachelor or that were the Bachelorette, they can't get on that app. Really? Yeah.

Interesting. I know. So I heard. You've met everybody already. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You've had your time. Okay. So I have a list of hypothetical dating profile situations.

Okay. And you just have made up people? Yeah. Okay. And you just got to answer if you would swipe left or if they could be Mrs. Rife. So swipe right is Rife, right? Yeah.

Got it. Okay. Okay. Okay. She has no social media. Rife. Not even a little red flag for you? No, I would love that.

She's 19. Left. She looks exactly like your ex. Oh. Right. Okay. Her profile says she doesn't want children. What she looked like?

I got to see photos. She looks like your ex. Oh. Probably left. I want kids someday. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. I froze my eggs.

Did you really? Oh, yeah. Interesting. I froze my eggs when I was 30. really yeah get them fucking scrambled up get them let's go i think you're ready to be a mom you think so yeah okay four or five picks of her talking about ghosts right oh four or five pictures of her with crystals left heavy left she has bad grammar what does she look like hot girls are usually dumb yeah so i'm kidding no don't even clip that that's gonna get used out of context people

Oh, he's misogynistic. Oh, my, it's a joke. Kidding. I hate that. You have to explain it. I know. I get in trouble all the time. But I feel like my listeners have really good sense of humor.

I hope so. They do. They're very excited for you. You would look at me and assume I can't read. So like, I think it's a fair assumption. That means you think you're hot. No, I would think other people would think that. I don't mind bad grammar.

It's just she can't talk in TikToks. It can't be giving anything. It's giving me a headache. Okay. I don't want to hear a single. tick-tock out of your mouth i can deal with bad grammar i can teach you yeah that's fair yeah okay um she's someone your friend has talked to casually in the past but not slept with hooked up no left okay she has a pick with one of your merch t-shirts on rife oh yeah okay we don't mind a fan yeah

great i need something to look at when i finish you know something to clean it up with yeah it's a Two-party. You know, Michael, that's a really good photo of me, and we're done. Got it. Oh, my God. This was fun. This was fun. Thank you for inviting me into your home and having me on the podcast.

Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you for me. I can't wait to see how much trouble I get in. He's going to be great. I'm curious. I don't think you will. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think it will be okay. I feel like everyone was really stoked when I said you're coming on the podcast. All the listeners were like, what? He's my favorite. And my sister, I think, um, slid off her chair. she was like me and all the cheerleader my niece is a cheerleader you know all the chair moms are obsessed with him he's so hot and I was like Haley you're like 45 stop

life swipe right so shout out to all the cheer moms and Ladoogel shout out to all the cheer moms in LaDuke yeah they're jerking off to your only fans photos oh my god so last thing where can people go to watch your live shows Do you have everything on a website if you're coming to a town near them? Matt Reifofficial.com. That link is in every social media bio you can find.

There's a merch store. There's a tour schedule on there. All the shows that are on my website right now are sold out. But come beginning of May, we're adding a bunch of theater shows for like the second and third. Sorry, the third and fourth quarter of this year. So like September through December, we're adding a ton of shows as well as probably filming my next special in September. So if there's nothing available now, just be patient. Are you going to go to Canada ever?

I actually just got a contract on the way over here for Niagara Falls. Oh, cool. Yeah. And then I'll do Montreal in the summertime for that festival. Yeah. I stopped scrolling through the questions for you because everyone was just like, is he single? Will he date me? Like all this stuff.

But everyone wanted to know what your type would be or if you have one? Like physically or as a person? Both. Like who's your celebrity crush? Or do you have one? Haley Williams. I, He sat next to her on a plane the other day and I was the biggest girl crush on her ever.

Her mom came to the shows last night. Did you know that? Is that where you're wearing the Paramar shirt? Uh-huh. Because when you were wearing that, I was like, that's so funny. Her mom sent me that merch box while I was like, well, I have to wear for the show she's at, of course. I have been a Haley Williams fan since I don't even know when. I started loving her when I was like 23, I think, and I'm 37.

And I'm obsessed with her and her voice. She's the reason that I started doing voice lessons. Really? Yes. I'm obsessed with her. She's so insanely talented. And, like, you ever just, like, be attracted, like, besides her being just absolutely beautiful? Like, you ever just be attracted to somebody's talent?

You're like, you're so skillful. Like, this is so attractive to me. Yes. That's exactly what it. Like, I'm in love with. I think she's fantastic. So that's probably if I have a celebrity crush is probably her. I love that is her answer.

I was here in November for like a one night or here at Zanis. And her mom came to the show when we were doing the meeting. This is when I could meet everybody at the time. And she came out. She was like, oh, you need a new per more shirt. Because one of the videos on TikTok that went viral, I was wearing a pair of more shirt. And I thought it was just like banter. I was like, oh, yeah, I love the band.

She was like, do you know I am? And I was like, I don't know. Not really. And she was like, oh, I'm Haley's mom. I was like, get the fuck out of you. She was like, my daughter and I love you. Like, we were always sharing your TikToks and stuff back and forth. We just watched your special together.

She's the coolest. And now I'm going to see them. I'm going to see Paramore at the forum in L.A. This summer I'm so excited about it. That's cool shit. I love, I know all of her music. And she seems like just like just, a badass i've seen her live twice she was like hawking lugies on stage between like screaming no way

yeah that's so hot i know next time i'm just gonna stay on the side of stage and be like that was a pair of more so that's definitely that's like the one i would love to marry oh wait no i didn't even that's the so that's your but personality wise like what she she would never be viral on tic-tok no i definitely don't want to date somebody who's like an influencer i really don't want to do that. I get it. I mean, it depends on what their content is. Like, there's some people who do like fashion or like makeup tutorials. That stuff's not as bad to me. But if you're just, if you're dancing or just like being overly sexually provocative in your video for likes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so immature to me. Yeah. That's very unattractive. No

influencer, good sense of humor for sure. Like, I love a good roasting relationship. Like, if you like, once I'm I dated a girl who was like, she had a great butt. Yeah. And she knew it. And she was even obsessed with her butt and she would like literally get in the mirror and just like twerk to herself in the mirror in the whole time I would be so over it like this is a girl I get to have sex with and I'm very attracted to but it became so annoying to me that any time she would do it every time she would twerk in the mirror I would go and she was stop like I'm trying to be sexy and I'm like well it's not okay it's so childish to me oh my god I can't imagine twerick I love like a good roasting relationship you know what I mean like I'm not gonna play into your insecurities and let you feel insecure anytime a girl is like you know do I look fat in this outfit I'm like yeah you look like you look you don't leave this room you know you're horrible that's a huge bitch I like exactly I love a good banter so I can give it back and forth you know

sense of humor obviously with me being a comedian like they have to be in a dark some dark shit if you if you see what i'm on stage imagine when i don't you know um so since the humor is obviously a big one not an influencer preferably and just a nice person yeah it's become a thing recently that i've met a few girls that like being a mean girl is like their way of flirting and i'm like that's not fun like roasting is fun like that they don't get the difference though They don't get to, like, just being bitchy is not, like, hot to me. Yeah. And I'm like, this sucks because, like, you seem like a cool girl and, like, you're, you're stunning, but I, you're kind of mean to me.

Yeah. Um, so yeah, there's a, there's a fine line, but like if, you should get it. You should get it. And mean are very different things. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's, just be, be nice. Be able to laugh and have some kind of substance to you. Yeah. Substance. That's good. That's all. That's all I can really ask for. Glenn, it has a lot of substance.

I'm Caitlin Bristow, and I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Off the Vine. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow on your favorite podcast platform. And we'll see you next Tuesday. And action. What's up, everybody? I'm Sarah Gretzky. And I'm Natalie.

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